Michelle Hauck's Blog, page 87
December 6, 2014
Making Your Main Character Likable
So at the beginning of your novel, your main character is a bitch or a bastard, is selfish or whiny, is bratty or works at an immoral job, or is just plain mean. Maybe they're an antihero, maybe they have a character arc to fulfill before they can join the human race. How do you keep readers from turning away in the first chapters? Some tricks can help you build a connection between your readers and your character and build sympathy. A few tweaks can get people to keep reading.
Here are the ideas that occur to me or that I've used myself:
1. Love something passionately Your character is selfish. They don't have any friends or very few. They're bitter and closed off. Give them something they do love and care about. A famous example of this is Katniss Everdeen from the opening of The Hunger Games. Deep down you know she's not a very sympathetic person. She thinks about her and her family and nobody else. But she loves her sister and so do you. Who couldn't love her after the duck thing with Prim's shirttail. Just make sure the audience also loves this person or pet. Yep, pets are great for this.
I've used this myself in Kindar's Cure. Kindar can't get along with her hateful family. She argues and speaks unkindly to her younger sister. To protect herself she must stay closed off and not reveal her feelings. But she loves her royal staff and does what she can to shield them from her mother's wrath. And she is also fond of her older sister.
2. Act of kindness Your character is a jerk. They're not very thoughtful. Like the shirttail episode between Katniss and Prim, have your character do an unnecessary act of kindness. They're awful to anyone and everyone, but they hold the door open for an old lady. They stop a kid from running into the road. They give up their seat on a bus to a handicapped person. They pick up some litter or do the dishes at home. They do something that makes a reader consider this character may be redeemable after all.
I've used this also. After a fight with her family, I have a character do the dishes as a goodwill gesture. Small sure. But maybe just enough when combined with the other tricks listed here.
3. Experience doubt/remorse Your character argues constantly with their parents or your character does has an immoral job- assassin, spy, thief. Have them experience some doubts about their choice of action. Put some question into their thoughts. "Am I doing the right thing?" Have them feel bad about fighting or being disrespectful--at least in their own thoughts--even if not voiced aloud. Maybe they still believe they are in the right, but they don't feel happy about their actions.
What could be more human than to have doubt and remorse. We all do it and can connect with it. Even as she fights, I had the character in number two feeling bad about the arguing. She stands by her belief that she's right, but she's not happy to have hurt her family.
4. Make them interesting If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Your character is evil brought to Earth and has no good qualities. So make them fascinating. They do the unexpected. They keep the reader guessing. They have a compelling and attractive voice that stands out in a crowd. They'd make the cover of Time with their sheer unpredictability and gotta see what they do next.
5. Make everything else interesting In the vein of the last idea, your main character is a putz that nobody is going to like, but your world and plot is going to keep people reading. You make your world building so new and unique that nobody gives a crap that they hate your character. Or your plot is so nonstop that there's no time to pause in reading to consider if they like your protagonist.
Give readers something always new and fast paced and hope that's enough for them.
6. Paint them in a corner Your main character is no Mother Teresa, but you put them in such danger or into such a tight place that readers are instantly rooting for them. Get readers hoping your character makes it out alive and you've won half the battle.
I also did this in Kindar's Cure. I hit Kindar with one terrible thing after another in the opening chapters until she was literally forced to flee her home.
7. They ain't the worst Hand and hand with number six, goes this tip. Your character is unsympathetic but all the other character are even more distasteful. Your character looks good by comparison. I've seen this done a lot in darker stories. I'm guessing this is a GRRM tactic.
Many of my main characters seem to start out as not the most reader friendly. So there are the ideas that rattle around in my noggin or that I've employed without even thinking about it. Consider using one or a combination of these for your own characters.
Or maybe you have your own tricks and tips. What have you used or noticed being used to make a character likable?
Here are the ideas that occur to me or that I've used myself:
1. Love something passionately Your character is selfish. They don't have any friends or very few. They're bitter and closed off. Give them something they do love and care about. A famous example of this is Katniss Everdeen from the opening of The Hunger Games. Deep down you know she's not a very sympathetic person. She thinks about her and her family and nobody else. But she loves her sister and so do you. Who couldn't love her after the duck thing with Prim's shirttail. Just make sure the audience also loves this person or pet. Yep, pets are great for this.
I've used this myself in Kindar's Cure. Kindar can't get along with her hateful family. She argues and speaks unkindly to her younger sister. To protect herself she must stay closed off and not reveal her feelings. But she loves her royal staff and does what she can to shield them from her mother's wrath. And she is also fond of her older sister.
2. Act of kindness Your character is a jerk. They're not very thoughtful. Like the shirttail episode between Katniss and Prim, have your character do an unnecessary act of kindness. They're awful to anyone and everyone, but they hold the door open for an old lady. They stop a kid from running into the road. They give up their seat on a bus to a handicapped person. They pick up some litter or do the dishes at home. They do something that makes a reader consider this character may be redeemable after all.
I've used this also. After a fight with her family, I have a character do the dishes as a goodwill gesture. Small sure. But maybe just enough when combined with the other tricks listed here.
3. Experience doubt/remorse Your character argues constantly with their parents or your character does has an immoral job- assassin, spy, thief. Have them experience some doubts about their choice of action. Put some question into their thoughts. "Am I doing the right thing?" Have them feel bad about fighting or being disrespectful--at least in their own thoughts--even if not voiced aloud. Maybe they still believe they are in the right, but they don't feel happy about their actions.
What could be more human than to have doubt and remorse. We all do it and can connect with it. Even as she fights, I had the character in number two feeling bad about the arguing. She stands by her belief that she's right, but she's not happy to have hurt her family.
4. Make them interesting If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Your character is evil brought to Earth and has no good qualities. So make them fascinating. They do the unexpected. They keep the reader guessing. They have a compelling and attractive voice that stands out in a crowd. They'd make the cover of Time with their sheer unpredictability and gotta see what they do next.
5. Make everything else interesting In the vein of the last idea, your main character is a putz that nobody is going to like, but your world and plot is going to keep people reading. You make your world building so new and unique that nobody gives a crap that they hate your character. Or your plot is so nonstop that there's no time to pause in reading to consider if they like your protagonist.
Give readers something always new and fast paced and hope that's enough for them.
6. Paint them in a corner Your main character is no Mother Teresa, but you put them in such danger or into such a tight place that readers are instantly rooting for them. Get readers hoping your character makes it out alive and you've won half the battle.
I also did this in Kindar's Cure. I hit Kindar with one terrible thing after another in the opening chapters until she was literally forced to flee her home.
7. They ain't the worst Hand and hand with number six, goes this tip. Your character is unsympathetic but all the other character are even more distasteful. Your character looks good by comparison. I've seen this done a lot in darker stories. I'm guessing this is a GRRM tactic.
Many of my main characters seem to start out as not the most reader friendly. So there are the ideas that rattle around in my noggin or that I've employed without even thinking about it. Consider using one or a combination of these for your own characters.
Or maybe you have your own tricks and tips. What have you used or noticed being used to make a character likable?
December 5, 2014
Holiday Query Hop Critique 2
Here to do the next critique is my agency sister Vicki Leigh! Keep in mind that feedback is subjective by nature. What does and does not catch the eye is going to vary by person. Each writer must weigh the comments they get against their own judgement and make the changes that resonate with them.
The Holiday Query hop is still taking entries, see here for details. The random number generator picks 5! And as Vicki writes paranormal, this is a great match! Age Category: Adult
Genre: Paranormal Mystery
Manuscript Status: Complete
(You don’t need to include this at the top! Work it in to your query.)Dear [amazing agent/publisher],[Add one-to-two sentence paragraph here (or at the end) as to why you’re querying this agent.]Celina is shot by intruders who murdered her husband, and she’s sure she won’t survive the night. That’s before the demon Mekaisto offers her a chance at revenge. Determined to kill the people responsible for her husband’s death, Celina takes the deal, even though the cost may be her life – and her soul. [I’m missing some setup here. Could you start with what’s unique about Celina? Ex: “Twenty-four-year-old, ex-Marine Celina never thought she’d be married to a meek-mannered painter, but from the moment she looked into his blue eyes, she knew he was the one. Five years later, intruders breaks into their home and shoot Celina in the chest before murdering her husband. She’s sure she won’t survive—until the demon Mekaisto offers her a chance at revenge. Determined to kill the people responsible for her husband’s death, Celina takes the deal.” With this sort of setup, we’ll feel the loss of her husband a bit more, and it’ll draw us into her world. Make sense?]Of course, the demon neglected to mention that she’ll have to solve her husband’s murder before she can get to the revenge part. With Mekaisto’s seal branded over the scar of her gunshot wound, Celina investigates. But the more she digs, the more she discovers disturbing secrets about her husband. The business Celina believed he poured his heart into for the last five years never existed. Through Mekaisto’s connections with other demons, Celina learns her husband was making deals with them for information on a mysterious religious order. Worst of all, he’d even been involved in demonic rituals that involved murder. [This paragraph reads kind of choppy, though your word choices are super strong (well done). Might I suggest something like this: “But the more she digs, the more she discovers disturbing secrets about her husband: the business she believed he poured his heart into for the last five years never existed; he as making deals with demons for information on a mysterious religious order; and, worst of all, he’d even been involved in demonic rituals that involved murder.” It might seem like a long sentence, but I think it reads smoother. Ultimately, it’s your decision; this query is still very good.]Now,Celina fears that Mekaisto has his claws all over her husband’s murder, and she isn’t just an opportunistic soul grab. But she needs Mekaisto to get her revenge on the people who tried to kill her. However, when she uncovers a way out of her deal, Celina will have to decide if she still wants revenge or if she’ll betray a master of deceit in the faint hope of reclaiming her life—and her soul. [Changed this just for a stronger impact. Great job with the stakes!Adopted at three-days-old by a construction worker and a stay-at-home mom, Vicki Leigh grew up in a small suburb of Akron, Ohio where she learned to read by the age of four and considered being sent to her room for punishment as an opportunity to dive into another book. By the sixth grade, Vicki penned her first, full-length screenplay. If she couldn’t be a writer, Vicki would be a Hunter (think Dean and Sam Winchester) or a Jedi. Her favorite place on earth is Hogwarts (she refuses to believe it doesn’t exist), and her favorite dreams include solving cases alongside Sherlock Holmes. Her YA debut, Catch Me When I Fall, released October 23, 2014. You can find her at her websiteor on Twitter, Facebook, Goodreads, YouTube, Pinterest, Google+, and Instagram.
The Holiday Query hop is still taking entries, see here for details. The random number generator picks 5! And as Vicki writes paranormal, this is a great match! Age Category: Adult
Genre: Paranormal Mystery
Manuscript Status: Complete
(You don’t need to include this at the top! Work it in to your query.)Dear [amazing agent/publisher],[Add one-to-two sentence paragraph here (or at the end) as to why you’re querying this agent.]Celina is shot by intruders who murdered her husband, and she’s sure she won’t survive the night. That’s before the demon Mekaisto offers her a chance at revenge. Determined to kill the people responsible for her husband’s death, Celina takes the deal, even though the cost may be her life – and her soul. [I’m missing some setup here. Could you start with what’s unique about Celina? Ex: “Twenty-four-year-old, ex-Marine Celina never thought she’d be married to a meek-mannered painter, but from the moment she looked into his blue eyes, she knew he was the one. Five years later, intruders breaks into their home and shoot Celina in the chest before murdering her husband. She’s sure she won’t survive—until the demon Mekaisto offers her a chance at revenge. Determined to kill the people responsible for her husband’s death, Celina takes the deal.” With this sort of setup, we’ll feel the loss of her husband a bit more, and it’ll draw us into her world. Make sense?]Of course, the demon neglected to mention that she’ll have to solve her husband’s murder before she can get to the revenge part. With Mekaisto’s seal branded over the scar of her gunshot wound, Celina investigates. But the more she digs, the more she discovers disturbing secrets about her husband. The business Celina believed he poured his heart into for the last five years never existed. Through Mekaisto’s connections with other demons, Celina learns her husband was making deals with them for information on a mysterious religious order. Worst of all, he’d even been involved in demonic rituals that involved murder. [This paragraph reads kind of choppy, though your word choices are super strong (well done). Might I suggest something like this: “But the more she digs, the more she discovers disturbing secrets about her husband: the business she believed he poured his heart into for the last five years never existed; he as making deals with demons for information on a mysterious religious order; and, worst of all, he’d even been involved in demonic rituals that involved murder.” It might seem like a long sentence, but I think it reads smoother. Ultimately, it’s your decision; this query is still very good.]Now,Celina fears that Mekaisto has his claws all over her husband’s murder, and she isn’t just an opportunistic soul grab. But she needs Mekaisto to get her revenge on the people who tried to kill her. However, when she uncovers a way out of her deal, Celina will have to decide if she still wants revenge or if she’ll betray a master of deceit in the faint hope of reclaiming her life—and her soul. [Changed this just for a stronger impact. Great job with the stakes!Adopted at three-days-old by a construction worker and a stay-at-home mom, Vicki Leigh grew up in a small suburb of Akron, Ohio where she learned to read by the age of four and considered being sent to her room for punishment as an opportunity to dive into another book. By the sixth grade, Vicki penned her first, full-length screenplay. If she couldn’t be a writer, Vicki would be a Hunter (think Dean and Sam Winchester) or a Jedi. Her favorite place on earth is Hogwarts (she refuses to believe it doesn’t exist), and her favorite dreams include solving cases alongside Sherlock Holmes. Her YA debut, Catch Me When I Fall, released October 23, 2014. You can find her at her websiteor on Twitter, Facebook, Goodreads, YouTube, Pinterest, Google+, and Instagram.
December 4, 2014
Holiday Query Hop Critique 1
I'll take the first shot at some query comments. Keep in mind that feedback is subjective by nature. What does and does not catch the eye is going to vary by person. Each writer must weigh the comments they get against their own judgement and make the changes that resonate with them.
The Holiday Query hop is still taking entries, see here for details. The random number generator picks 14! Here is the query without comments:Dear ______,When seventeen-year-old Jill finds herself submerged in violence on small town Capland’s football field she discovers two things: the rivalry is way out of control, and she just met the boy worth questioning everything she’s grown up to believe.
Jill wasn’t on the lookout for a boyfriend. What was the point when she’d be gone to State in the fall. One quick rescue on a football field, followed by an extraordinary amount of sneaking around and lying (there was always lying) and she was hooked. Too bad her new love, Rashon, was a Montville boy. Not to mention, Dad would have a stroke if he knew she even dreamed of dating his rival’s son. Loving him in secret was great and all, but there’s only so much time in a day without prying eyes. The only way to end the rivalry was to find out why it started in the first place. And so, the inquisition began. Granddad, bourboned up and chatty, would offer the details, details that prevented either love struck teen’s family to forgive and forget.
She had to make it happen. Somehow. Living without the boy her heart refused to forget wasn’t an option.
WHERE THE MAPLES GROW, a contemporary retelling complete at 51,000 words, is a story of forbidden love as seen from two points of view: my Romeo and my Juliet.
Per submission guidelines, I’ve included the first XXX of my manuscript. I appreciate your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
And with my crazy comments:Dear ______, I prefer a colon here because a query is a business letter, but it won't make or break you. When seventeen-year-old Jill finds herself is submerged in violence(generic. Be specific. is caught in a riot-- is submerged in a gun fight) on small town Capland’s football fieldcomma she discovers two things: the rivalry(After reading on, I have to come back to this. The rivalry isn't spelled out. I thought it was the rivalry between two high schools. Seems like it might be something else.) is way out of control, and she just met the boy worth questioning everything she’s grown up believing to believe.
Jill wasn’t on the lookout for a boyfriend. What was is the point when she’d be gone to State in the fall. One quick rescue on a football field, followed by an extraordinary amount of sneaking around and lying (there was is always lying) and she is was hooked. Too bad her new love, Rashon, is was a Montville(And right there I know what we're dealing with. It's Romeo and Juliet.) boy. Not to mention, Dad would have a stroke if he knew she even dreamed(Isn't she already doing this? stroke if he found out she's dating his rival's son.) of dating his rival’s son (How is a high school team her dad's rival. Why would dad care about high school rivalries anymore?). Loving him in secret is was great and all, but there’s only so much time in a day without prying eyes. The only way to end the rivalry is was to find out why it started in the first place. And so, the inquisition began(Too unfocused. And so, Jill starts an inquisition.) Granddad, bourboned up and chatty, would offers the details, details that preventesd either love struck teen’s family to forgive and forget.
She hasd to make it happen. Somehow. Living without the boy her heart refusesd(Confusing and awkward. Living without the boy of her heart isn't an option.) to forget isn't wasn’t an option. (I'm wondering if there wouldn't be larger stakes than this. Obviously with the original R and J there were bigger stakes.)
WHERE THE MAPLES GROW, a contemporary YA retelling complete at 51,000 words, is a story of forbidden love as seen from two points of view: my Romeo and my Juliet.
Per submission guidelines, I’ve included the first XXX of my manuscript. I appreciate your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
The query does need to be told in present tense, so I suggested those changes.To be honest, this concept has been done before. That means you're really going to have to show us something unique or interesting about the situation or the characters. While clear and concise, so far this query doesn't have that. I'd try to cut down the middle paragraph to refocus on showing the character personality or something about the plot that's new and unique.I hope this helps.
The Holiday Query hop is still taking entries, see here for details. The random number generator picks 14! Here is the query without comments:Dear ______,When seventeen-year-old Jill finds herself submerged in violence on small town Capland’s football field she discovers two things: the rivalry is way out of control, and she just met the boy worth questioning everything she’s grown up to believe.
Jill wasn’t on the lookout for a boyfriend. What was the point when she’d be gone to State in the fall. One quick rescue on a football field, followed by an extraordinary amount of sneaking around and lying (there was always lying) and she was hooked. Too bad her new love, Rashon, was a Montville boy. Not to mention, Dad would have a stroke if he knew she even dreamed of dating his rival’s son. Loving him in secret was great and all, but there’s only so much time in a day without prying eyes. The only way to end the rivalry was to find out why it started in the first place. And so, the inquisition began. Granddad, bourboned up and chatty, would offer the details, details that prevented either love struck teen’s family to forgive and forget.
She had to make it happen. Somehow. Living without the boy her heart refused to forget wasn’t an option.
WHERE THE MAPLES GROW, a contemporary retelling complete at 51,000 words, is a story of forbidden love as seen from two points of view: my Romeo and my Juliet.
Per submission guidelines, I’ve included the first XXX of my manuscript. I appreciate your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
And with my crazy comments:Dear ______, I prefer a colon here because a query is a business letter, but it won't make or break you. When seventeen-year-old Jill finds herself is submerged in violence(generic. Be specific. is caught in a riot-- is submerged in a gun fight) on small town Capland’s football fieldcomma she discovers two things: the rivalry(After reading on, I have to come back to this. The rivalry isn't spelled out. I thought it was the rivalry between two high schools. Seems like it might be something else.) is way out of control, and she just met the boy worth questioning everything she’s grown up believing to believe.
Jill wasn’t on the lookout for a boyfriend. What was is the point when she’d be gone to State in the fall. One quick rescue on a football field, followed by an extraordinary amount of sneaking around and lying (there was is always lying) and she is was hooked. Too bad her new love, Rashon, is was a Montville(And right there I know what we're dealing with. It's Romeo and Juliet.) boy. Not to mention, Dad would have a stroke if he knew she even dreamed(Isn't she already doing this? stroke if he found out she's dating his rival's son.) of dating his rival’s son (How is a high school team her dad's rival. Why would dad care about high school rivalries anymore?). Loving him in secret is was great and all, but there’s only so much time in a day without prying eyes. The only way to end the rivalry is was to find out why it started in the first place. And so, the inquisition began(Too unfocused. And so, Jill starts an inquisition.) Granddad, bourboned up and chatty, would offers the details, details that preventesd either love struck teen’s family to forgive and forget.
She hasd to make it happen. Somehow. Living without the boy her heart refusesd(Confusing and awkward. Living without the boy of her heart isn't an option.) to forget isn't wasn’t an option. (I'm wondering if there wouldn't be larger stakes than this. Obviously with the original R and J there were bigger stakes.)
WHERE THE MAPLES GROW, a contemporary YA retelling complete at 51,000 words, is a story of forbidden love as seen from two points of view: my Romeo and my Juliet.
Per submission guidelines, I’ve included the first XXX of my manuscript. I appreciate your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
The query does need to be told in present tense, so I suggested those changes.To be honest, this concept has been done before. That means you're really going to have to show us something unique or interesting about the situation or the characters. While clear and concise, so far this query doesn't have that. I'd try to cut down the middle paragraph to refocus on showing the character personality or something about the plot that's new and unique.I hope this helps.
December 3, 2014
Query Questions with Thao Le
Writers have copious amounts of imagination. It's what makes their stories so fantastic. But there's a darker side to so much out of the box thinking. When a writer is in the query trenches, their worries go into overdrive. They start pulling out their hair and imagine every possible disaster.
Here to relieve some of that endless worrying is a new series of posts called Query Questions. I'll ask the questions which prey on every writer's mind, and hopefully take some of the pain out of querying. These are questions that I've seen tossed around on twitter and writing sites like Agent Query Connect. They are the type of questions that you need answers for the real expert--agents!
Big welcome to Thao Le from the Sandra Dijkstra Literary Agency!
Is there a better or worse time of year to query?Not really a better or worse, but there’s always a post NaNoWriMo influx around December-February so my inbox gets very bloated around that time and it makes it slower to respond.
Does one typo or misplaced comma shoot down the entire query?No, if everything else is great then a typo won’t be a deal breaker. Of course you also always want to your best foot forward so double check for these types of common errors before hitting send!
Do you look at sample pages without fail or only if the query is strong?I always look at the sample pages first to see if I can get pulled into the writing before I check out the query.
Do you have an assistant or intern go through your queries first or do you check all of them?We do have an assistant who looks at queries for Sandy Dijkstra and Elise Capron, but I look at my own queries.
If the manuscript has a prologue, do you want it included with the sample pages?Our submission guidelines states that you should copy-and-paste the first 10-15 pages of your work into the body of your query email, so yes. If the prologue is part of the first 10-15 pages then it should be what gets included in the query.
Some agencies mention querying only one agent at a time and some say query only one agent period. How often do you pass a query along to a fellow agent who might be more interested?I do pass along queries or projects that I might think is better suited for another agent at our agency. Especially at conferences where I may represent Sandra Dijkstra Literary Agency as a whole. I would keep my eyes and ears peeled for projects that may not be a good fit with me, but might be up one of my colleague’s alley. Jessica Watterson and I also happen to overlap at times over YA and New Adult projects so we share some of our queries and do second reads for one another.
Do you prefer a little personalized chit-chat in a query letter, or would you rather hear about the manuscript?Absolutely the manuscript. Your manuscript should be the star of the query letter. Leave the chitchat for later. I want to hear about the story. A single line of personalization to let the agent know why you think your work is a good fit for their list would be sufficient.
Most agents have said they don’t care whether the word count/genre sentence comes first or last. But is it a red flag if one component is not included?Including word count and genre is most certainly important and it is useful information for the agent. For instance if I enjoy the writing of a MG novel, but later find out it is 120,000 words… that’s going to be a pass for me because it’s simply too difficult to sell a debut MG novel that is over 100K words. Most MG works are 65K-70K at most and that’s for upper MG readers. Also, if you don’t include a genre then that kind of shows you don’t know who the audience your book is targeting. If you, the author don’t know who the audience is, then how am I or anyone else? Including word count and genre shows that you know that your manuscript is marketable. At the very least you should know if it is fiction or non-fiction and if it is for an adult audience or a younger audience.
Writers hear a lot about limiting the number of named characters in a query. Do you feel keeping named characters to a certain number makes for a clearer query?Yes, keep the number of names in the query to the essential main cast. I don’t need to know about every side character in the query letter. The query letter should be clear and concise as possible.
Should writers sweat the title of their book (and character names) or is that something that is often changed by publishers?Sometimes publishers do change book titles and character names, but I always say if you have a great title put it in the subject line of your query. That’s the first thing agents will see when they receive your email and if it’s catchy and memorable they will be more likely to be enthusiastic and eager to read your query. It’s to your advantage to come up with a great title.
How many queries do you receive in a week? How many requests might you make out of those?Around 100 a week. I usually separate queries by month though so usually I will spend time looking through 300+ queries over the course of several days and then spend 1-2 days sending out requests. Hard to tell how many requests I would make because there are times when the queries are REALLY good and I will make as many as 10 requests at once (that’s quite a bit for me) and other times I can’t find a single one that I like.
Many agents say they don't care if writers are active online. Could a twitter account or blog presence by a writer tip the scales in getting a request or offer? And do you require writers you sign to start one?I handle fiction only so platform is not a total deal breaker for me. For non-fiction, it can be different because you need to be an expert on whatever topic your book is about and have a clear audience that trusts your word. But having a strong online presence is always a plus. It shows you have an audience who are potential book buyers. But in the end, the writing has to be what speaks to me. If your writing doesn’t speak to me, it doesn’t matter if you have thousands of twitter followers. I just don’t connect with your work and I would be doing you a disservice to represent you because I’m not passionate about your writing. You can’t sell books without passion. I don’t require my writers to start one, but it is definitely recommended. In this day and age you need to connect to your readers and do some self-marketing.
Some writers have asked about including links to their blogs or manuscript-related artwork. I’m sure it’s not appropriate to add those links in a query, but are links in an email signature offensive?I think it is fine to include links to your blog or twitter in your signature, but do not ask me to go to a website to look at sample pages. You should be following the submission guidelines in that regard. For instance, if our submission guidelines asks you to copy-and-paste your sample pages and you give me a link instead, I will NOT click that link. So you just gave yourself a major disadvantage because now I won’t see your sample pages. Follow the submission guidelines for each agent you query closely! It’s the best way to get the agent to look at your work. Also, unsolicited emails telling me to check out your amazon page or goodreads page is not a good thing. It’s spam. I delete them and you probably just annoyed me.
If a writer makes changes to their manuscript due to feedback should they resend the query or only if material was requested?Before you send out any queries you should let your MS rest for a bit. Give it a week or so and then go back and look at it. If there are things you still want to change then you’re not ready to query it yet. Make those changes. Let it rest again and then look at it one more time. Once you think you can’t make any more changes THEN you query. Don’t get impatient and hit send before your MS is ready. Because all the flaws that you notice after the fact, the agents will notice right away. That said, if you already sent it out, but you realized your mistake and made changes… simply inform the agent and ask them if they would like to see the revised material. They’ll be able to tell you yes or no. But doing this dampens your first impression so try to avoid it as much as possible.
What bio should an author with no publishing credits include?A simple line about who you are, where you’re from, and that this is your first book is fine. If your job is relevant to your book mention it. For example, if you are a lawyer and your book is a legal thriller, being a lawyer is relevant and you should include that. But if you don’t have many credentials just focus more on your manuscript and keep the bio short and sweet.
What does ‘just not right for me’ mean to you?I didn’t click with the writing. I wasn’t in love with the plot, the characters, or the world. I am just not passionate enough about the story to read it five times. Because that’s what agents have to do. Whatever project we take on we have to be able to read it five times, ten times even. So if I can’t picture myself doing that with your project I will most likely pass. I just can’t sell what I am not enthusiastic about.
What themes are you sick of seeing?YA paranormal romance and dystopian are down trending so I probably won’t take any on at the moment. I’m also not a fan of stories where the protagonist is blatantly the Chosen One or is a “special snowflake” who is loved by everyone is clearly VERY SPECIAL AND IMPORTANT. I prefer my protagonists to be more relatable and flawed. And if they are the Chosen One, they have to struggle and earn it.
Do you consider yourself a hands-on, editorial type of agent?Definitely. I almost always work on 2-3 revisions (usually even more) with my authors.
What’s the strangest/funniest thing you’ve seen in a query?I’ve gotten a few queries pitching me alien erotica… also a query that opened with a line about masturbating to Free Willy… I’ve gotten some strange stuff!
What three things are at the top of your submission wish list? 1) Strong friendships/platonic relationships (especially between girls, but I love a good bromance). 2) Multicultural elements with diverse characters/settings. 3) Unreliable, possibly crazy/unhinged protagonists (think Taylor Swift’s Blank Space music video and Gone Girl).
Do check out my #mswl posts on twitter (@agentthao) or my tumblr (www.agentthao.tumblr.com) for more.
What are some of your favorite movies or books to give us an idea of your tastes? Recent favorite books: Antigoddess by Kendare Blake, Shadow and Bone by Leigh Bardugo, Anna and the French Kiss by Stephanie Perkins, Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell, Ready Player One by Ernest ClineRecent favorite movies: Looper, Snowpiercer, Captain America: Winter Soldier, The Lunch BoxI also enjoy a lot of TV. I’ve mentioned Orphan Black on another interview. I love it. I’m also a sucker for CW shows like the 100, Arrow, and Reign.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THAO LE handles finances and selected contracts at the Dijkstra Agency. She is also an agent.
She is a graduate of the University of California, San Diego with a double major in econ-management science and Chinese studies. While interning at the agency during college, she realized where her true love lies -- books -- and joined the agency full-time in the spring of 2011.Thao is looking for adult sci-fi/fantasy/horror, NA (new adult), YA (young adult), and MG (middle grade). She enjoys both gritty, dark narratives and fantastically quirky stories. She is also looking for light-hearted, funny, and moving contemporary YAs with a raw, authentic teen voice. She's particularly drawn to memorable characters, smart-mouthed dialogue, strong plots, and tight writing. Her favorite books are ones that reimagine familiar tales and tropes in a completely fresh new way and she has a soft spot for multicultural stories and lush settings.
Recent sales include: Katherine Harbour’s fantasy Thorn Jack (Harper Voyager), Lisa Freeman’s surf YA novel Honey Girl (Sky Pony Press), IPPY Award-winning S.K. Falls’ NA novel One Last Song (Forever Yours), James Kendley’s paranormal thriller The Drowning God(Harper Voyager Impulse), and Wendy Spinale’s steampunk Peter Pan retellingEverland (Scholastic).
.Thao is not looking for: biographies, business books, cookbooks, memoirs, picture books, poetry, religious/spiritual books, screenplays, self-help, short stories, or travel books.
Here to relieve some of that endless worrying is a new series of posts called Query Questions. I'll ask the questions which prey on every writer's mind, and hopefully take some of the pain out of querying. These are questions that I've seen tossed around on twitter and writing sites like Agent Query Connect. They are the type of questions that you need answers for the real expert--agents!
Big welcome to Thao Le from the Sandra Dijkstra Literary Agency!
Is there a better or worse time of year to query?Not really a better or worse, but there’s always a post NaNoWriMo influx around December-February so my inbox gets very bloated around that time and it makes it slower to respond.
Does one typo or misplaced comma shoot down the entire query?No, if everything else is great then a typo won’t be a deal breaker. Of course you also always want to your best foot forward so double check for these types of common errors before hitting send!
Do you look at sample pages without fail or only if the query is strong?I always look at the sample pages first to see if I can get pulled into the writing before I check out the query.
Do you have an assistant or intern go through your queries first or do you check all of them?We do have an assistant who looks at queries for Sandy Dijkstra and Elise Capron, but I look at my own queries.
If the manuscript has a prologue, do you want it included with the sample pages?Our submission guidelines states that you should copy-and-paste the first 10-15 pages of your work into the body of your query email, so yes. If the prologue is part of the first 10-15 pages then it should be what gets included in the query.
Some agencies mention querying only one agent at a time and some say query only one agent period. How often do you pass a query along to a fellow agent who might be more interested?I do pass along queries or projects that I might think is better suited for another agent at our agency. Especially at conferences where I may represent Sandra Dijkstra Literary Agency as a whole. I would keep my eyes and ears peeled for projects that may not be a good fit with me, but might be up one of my colleague’s alley. Jessica Watterson and I also happen to overlap at times over YA and New Adult projects so we share some of our queries and do second reads for one another.
Do you prefer a little personalized chit-chat in a query letter, or would you rather hear about the manuscript?Absolutely the manuscript. Your manuscript should be the star of the query letter. Leave the chitchat for later. I want to hear about the story. A single line of personalization to let the agent know why you think your work is a good fit for their list would be sufficient.
Most agents have said they don’t care whether the word count/genre sentence comes first or last. But is it a red flag if one component is not included?Including word count and genre is most certainly important and it is useful information for the agent. For instance if I enjoy the writing of a MG novel, but later find out it is 120,000 words… that’s going to be a pass for me because it’s simply too difficult to sell a debut MG novel that is over 100K words. Most MG works are 65K-70K at most and that’s for upper MG readers. Also, if you don’t include a genre then that kind of shows you don’t know who the audience your book is targeting. If you, the author don’t know who the audience is, then how am I or anyone else? Including word count and genre shows that you know that your manuscript is marketable. At the very least you should know if it is fiction or non-fiction and if it is for an adult audience or a younger audience.
Writers hear a lot about limiting the number of named characters in a query. Do you feel keeping named characters to a certain number makes for a clearer query?Yes, keep the number of names in the query to the essential main cast. I don’t need to know about every side character in the query letter. The query letter should be clear and concise as possible.
Should writers sweat the title of their book (and character names) or is that something that is often changed by publishers?Sometimes publishers do change book titles and character names, but I always say if you have a great title put it in the subject line of your query. That’s the first thing agents will see when they receive your email and if it’s catchy and memorable they will be more likely to be enthusiastic and eager to read your query. It’s to your advantage to come up with a great title.
How many queries do you receive in a week? How many requests might you make out of those?Around 100 a week. I usually separate queries by month though so usually I will spend time looking through 300+ queries over the course of several days and then spend 1-2 days sending out requests. Hard to tell how many requests I would make because there are times when the queries are REALLY good and I will make as many as 10 requests at once (that’s quite a bit for me) and other times I can’t find a single one that I like.
Many agents say they don't care if writers are active online. Could a twitter account or blog presence by a writer tip the scales in getting a request or offer? And do you require writers you sign to start one?I handle fiction only so platform is not a total deal breaker for me. For non-fiction, it can be different because you need to be an expert on whatever topic your book is about and have a clear audience that trusts your word. But having a strong online presence is always a plus. It shows you have an audience who are potential book buyers. But in the end, the writing has to be what speaks to me. If your writing doesn’t speak to me, it doesn’t matter if you have thousands of twitter followers. I just don’t connect with your work and I would be doing you a disservice to represent you because I’m not passionate about your writing. You can’t sell books without passion. I don’t require my writers to start one, but it is definitely recommended. In this day and age you need to connect to your readers and do some self-marketing.
Some writers have asked about including links to their blogs or manuscript-related artwork. I’m sure it’s not appropriate to add those links in a query, but are links in an email signature offensive?I think it is fine to include links to your blog or twitter in your signature, but do not ask me to go to a website to look at sample pages. You should be following the submission guidelines in that regard. For instance, if our submission guidelines asks you to copy-and-paste your sample pages and you give me a link instead, I will NOT click that link. So you just gave yourself a major disadvantage because now I won’t see your sample pages. Follow the submission guidelines for each agent you query closely! It’s the best way to get the agent to look at your work. Also, unsolicited emails telling me to check out your amazon page or goodreads page is not a good thing. It’s spam. I delete them and you probably just annoyed me.
If a writer makes changes to their manuscript due to feedback should they resend the query or only if material was requested?Before you send out any queries you should let your MS rest for a bit. Give it a week or so and then go back and look at it. If there are things you still want to change then you’re not ready to query it yet. Make those changes. Let it rest again and then look at it one more time. Once you think you can’t make any more changes THEN you query. Don’t get impatient and hit send before your MS is ready. Because all the flaws that you notice after the fact, the agents will notice right away. That said, if you already sent it out, but you realized your mistake and made changes… simply inform the agent and ask them if they would like to see the revised material. They’ll be able to tell you yes or no. But doing this dampens your first impression so try to avoid it as much as possible.
What bio should an author with no publishing credits include?A simple line about who you are, where you’re from, and that this is your first book is fine. If your job is relevant to your book mention it. For example, if you are a lawyer and your book is a legal thriller, being a lawyer is relevant and you should include that. But if you don’t have many credentials just focus more on your manuscript and keep the bio short and sweet.
What does ‘just not right for me’ mean to you?I didn’t click with the writing. I wasn’t in love with the plot, the characters, or the world. I am just not passionate enough about the story to read it five times. Because that’s what agents have to do. Whatever project we take on we have to be able to read it five times, ten times even. So if I can’t picture myself doing that with your project I will most likely pass. I just can’t sell what I am not enthusiastic about.
What themes are you sick of seeing?YA paranormal romance and dystopian are down trending so I probably won’t take any on at the moment. I’m also not a fan of stories where the protagonist is blatantly the Chosen One or is a “special snowflake” who is loved by everyone is clearly VERY SPECIAL AND IMPORTANT. I prefer my protagonists to be more relatable and flawed. And if they are the Chosen One, they have to struggle and earn it.
Do you consider yourself a hands-on, editorial type of agent?Definitely. I almost always work on 2-3 revisions (usually even more) with my authors.
What’s the strangest/funniest thing you’ve seen in a query?I’ve gotten a few queries pitching me alien erotica… also a query that opened with a line about masturbating to Free Willy… I’ve gotten some strange stuff!
What three things are at the top of your submission wish list? 1) Strong friendships/platonic relationships (especially between girls, but I love a good bromance). 2) Multicultural elements with diverse characters/settings. 3) Unreliable, possibly crazy/unhinged protagonists (think Taylor Swift’s Blank Space music video and Gone Girl).
Do check out my #mswl posts on twitter (@agentthao) or my tumblr (www.agentthao.tumblr.com) for more.
What are some of your favorite movies or books to give us an idea of your tastes? Recent favorite books: Antigoddess by Kendare Blake, Shadow and Bone by Leigh Bardugo, Anna and the French Kiss by Stephanie Perkins, Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell, Ready Player One by Ernest ClineRecent favorite movies: Looper, Snowpiercer, Captain America: Winter Soldier, The Lunch BoxI also enjoy a lot of TV. I’ve mentioned Orphan Black on another interview. I love it. I’m also a sucker for CW shows like the 100, Arrow, and Reign.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THAO LE handles finances and selected contracts at the Dijkstra Agency. She is also an agent.She is a graduate of the University of California, San Diego with a double major in econ-management science and Chinese studies. While interning at the agency during college, she realized where her true love lies -- books -- and joined the agency full-time in the spring of 2011.Thao is looking for adult sci-fi/fantasy/horror, NA (new adult), YA (young adult), and MG (middle grade). She enjoys both gritty, dark narratives and fantastically quirky stories. She is also looking for light-hearted, funny, and moving contemporary YAs with a raw, authentic teen voice. She's particularly drawn to memorable characters, smart-mouthed dialogue, strong plots, and tight writing. Her favorite books are ones that reimagine familiar tales and tropes in a completely fresh new way and she has a soft spot for multicultural stories and lush settings.
Recent sales include: Katherine Harbour’s fantasy Thorn Jack (Harper Voyager), Lisa Freeman’s surf YA novel Honey Girl (Sky Pony Press), IPPY Award-winning S.K. Falls’ NA novel One Last Song (Forever Yours), James Kendley’s paranormal thriller The Drowning God(Harper Voyager Impulse), and Wendy Spinale’s steampunk Peter Pan retellingEverland (Scholastic).
.Thao is not looking for: biographies, business books, cookbooks, memoirs, picture books, poetry, religious/spiritual books, screenplays, self-help, short stories, or travel books.
December 2, 2014
Book Signings from Vicki Leigh
Thoughts on conference signings from a debut author
I don’t know about you guys, but one of the things I most looked forward to as a published author was signing at book conferences. I mean, you’re in a room with other authors—some of them famous—and readers are wandering around, stopping by tables and discovering new books to read.
So, when my agent suggested I try to sign at YALSA’s Lit Symposium, I jumped on the chance and emailed the foundation. To my pleasant surprise, they invited me to join!
Now, I have to admit, I was pretty darn nervous. The Lit Symposium was my first big signing; I didn’t quite know what to expect. I thought I’d be sitting there while readers waited in lines for the big authors before wandering their way to my table when they couldn’t decide who else to see. I imagined carrying 25 of my 50 books on the airplane with me because not enough people knew what my book was about to bother snatching a copy. And I pictured myself stuck in the back corner of a room because I wasn’t with a large publishing house.
I was surprised—and thankful—when none of those were the case.
There were maybe 40-50 authors seated in alphabetical order around the ballroom, and the moment the doors opened, the crowd rushed in, and some even stopped by my table right away! It was so surreal. Yes, I may have signed less copies than Lauren Oliver and Julie Kagawa, but my pen was moving at the same time. It almost felt like being part of a team, where we authors fed off each other’s fans and just made sure the readers were excited to fill their arms with books.
And I didn’t have to bring home a single copy of CATCH ME WHEN I FALL.
So, what did I learn from my first signing event? Here are five tips for those of you who aspire to be one of those authors at conferences:
First and foremost, remember this: You are no less valuable than any other author in that room. So, carry yourself with confidence (not arrogance) and make friends with the other authors—who are always so kind and supportive—and just have a great time.Bring swag, like buttons or pens, etc., to display on your table! Readers love to pick these up, and if you run out of books, it gives them a way to remember you and your title(s)!Meet as many of the other authors as you can. I’m still baffled by how kind and friendly the writing community is. You’d think that authors would be snobby toward their competition, but it doesn’t work that way at all. Instead, they welcome you with open arms and encourage you. So, don’t be afraid to fangirl (I did; I even brought books for the other authors to sign!) and connect with your fellow novelists. They really aren’t scary. JAlways, always double check the spelling of people’s names when you personalize a book to them. Otherwise, you might be buying a copy of your book.Smile and interact with every reader who comes to see you. I want to use Maggie Stiefvater as an example: When I stepped up to her table at BEA to have her sign a copy of SINNER (and SCORPIO RACES, ‘cause I couldn’t help myself), she was genuinely friendly and getting to know me on a personal level. It made me feel special, like I wasn’t just another reader. And when I stopped to take a picture with her, she was super goofy and just having a blast. I walked away from her signing with a huge smile on my face. So, I aspire to be like Maggie at my signings, because, if my readers are like me, they’ll walk away with such a fond memory that they’ll want to tell all their friends—and strangers—to read my books.
I’m sure I could go on and on about conference signings, but I doubt you want to read that long of a post. So, instead, I’ll leave you with this:
Signings are essential, but they don’t have to be scary. Have fun, relish the moment, and remember that the readers are probably more afraid of you than you are of them. J
And as proof that I totally fangirled over the other authors—and that they weren’t super scary—here are a few pictures from YALSA’s 2014 YA Lit Symposium.
With Julie Kagawa
With Amalie Howard
With Jennifer Nielsen
Meeting my agent—which was super cool!About Vicki Leigh
Adopted at three-days-old by a onstruction worker and a stay-at-home mom, Vicki Leigh grew up in a small suburb of Akron, Ohio where she learned to read by the age of four and considered being sent to her room for punishment as an opportunity to dive into another book. By the sixth grade, Vicki penned her first, full-length screenplay. If she couldn’t be a writer, Vicki would be a Hunter (think Dean and Sam Winchester) or a Jedi. Her favorite place on earth is Hogwarts (she refuses to believe it doesn’t exist), and her favorite dreams include solving cases alongside Sherlock Holmes. Her YA debut, Catch Me When I Fall, released October 23, 2014.
You can find her at her website or on Twitter, Facebook, Goodreads, YouTube, Pinterest, Google+, and Instagram.
December 1, 2014
Holiday Query Blog Hop
Hey everyone! Ready for more fun?
It's time for the Holiday Query Blog Hop! Everyone is welcome to join if you have a blog and a query letter. Your manuscript does not have to be finished or polished in order to join. The query can be for a work in progress, but please note that status in the query letter where the word count would go.
Here's how it will work:
Post your query letter onto your blog. It can be any genre or age category, but please list this crucial information somewhere in the query letter. Keep your query to 250 - 350 words, give or take a few. No indents and put line space between paragraphs. Include everything you would send an agent: bio, greeting, closing.
Example:
Dear Brilliant Agent:
Tom, the classroom hamster, wants to escape from the h-e double hockey sticks otherwise known as school. His old military pet shop days didn't include playing house or being sentenced to a boot camp of never-ending show ‘n tell, math facts rap, and story time. But he’s learned a lot behind the bars of his cage. For example, if you want to keep breathing, never trust a pygmy who has earned the nickname Squeezer. Somehow he has to get away before the pygmies dress him as Strawberry Shortcake again or worse.
When a “subspatoot” fills in, Tom sees his chance to put Operation Escape the Pygmies into action. He makes a run for the border, hamster style. Bad news. The principal says Tom is a distraction to learning and better off flushed. The way out is turned into a battlefield of snapping mousetraps, sticky snares, and poisoned pellets.
Tom seems doomed until the friendless Squeezer lends an over-excited hand. She quickly goes from supervillain to super sidekick. Now, the greatest obstacle to his freedom may be Tom’s soft spot for this lonely pygmy.
PYGMY HAZARDS is a MG fantasy complete at 34,000 words. I've worked with special needs children at an elementary school for ten years, giving me lots of experience with pygmies. My epic fantasy Kindar's Cure is published by Divertir Publishing. My short stories Frost and Fog and The Unfinished Task is published by Elephants Bookshelf Press.
Thanks for your consideration.
Take the url link from your post and add it to the linky list below. (Click on the button in the post, not in the comments.) Use the list to critique the five people above and below your listing. If you are number 6 then you would feedback numbers 1,2,3,4,5,7,8,9,10,11 on the list. Please leave constructive criticism, but also say what you like about the query. Don't worry if it's not your genre, just do your best to give your thoughts.
If your entry falls at the beginning or ending of the linky list, wait for the list to close and then give feedback to the other end of the list. For example if you are number 1, you would critique 2 through 6 then the last five links at the very end of the list once the hop closes.
Of course you may also get super enthused and critique more than ten queries. Feel free to jump around and help out as much as you can!
Bonus: I will randomly choose entries from the linky list to feedback on my blog. (A few a week.) Please watch for these entries and leave additional feedback here.
And special treat! For the Holiday Query Blog Hop I'll be bringing in surprise guests to critique. This can be anyone from a published author to an agent.
You are welcome to update your query letter with revisions. The linky list will remain open through December 14th. After that time, you may not join. The bonus critiques will not include everyone. I will do as many as I can while still having time for my own writing.
If you fail to critique the five entries above and below your spot, well... that's sad and I'm sure karma will know.
Need more critiques? Advertise your willingness to give to get feedback on twitter under the hashtag #HolidayQuery
The fun starts immediately!
It's time for the Holiday Query Blog Hop! Everyone is welcome to join if you have a blog and a query letter. Your manuscript does not have to be finished or polished in order to join. The query can be for a work in progress, but please note that status in the query letter where the word count would go.
Here's how it will work:
Post your query letter onto your blog. It can be any genre or age category, but please list this crucial information somewhere in the query letter. Keep your query to 250 - 350 words, give or take a few. No indents and put line space between paragraphs. Include everything you would send an agent: bio, greeting, closing.
Example:
Dear Brilliant Agent:
Tom, the classroom hamster, wants to escape from the h-e double hockey sticks otherwise known as school. His old military pet shop days didn't include playing house or being sentenced to a boot camp of never-ending show ‘n tell, math facts rap, and story time. But he’s learned a lot behind the bars of his cage. For example, if you want to keep breathing, never trust a pygmy who has earned the nickname Squeezer. Somehow he has to get away before the pygmies dress him as Strawberry Shortcake again or worse.
When a “subspatoot” fills in, Tom sees his chance to put Operation Escape the Pygmies into action. He makes a run for the border, hamster style. Bad news. The principal says Tom is a distraction to learning and better off flushed. The way out is turned into a battlefield of snapping mousetraps, sticky snares, and poisoned pellets.
Tom seems doomed until the friendless Squeezer lends an over-excited hand. She quickly goes from supervillain to super sidekick. Now, the greatest obstacle to his freedom may be Tom’s soft spot for this lonely pygmy.
PYGMY HAZARDS is a MG fantasy complete at 34,000 words. I've worked with special needs children at an elementary school for ten years, giving me lots of experience with pygmies. My epic fantasy Kindar's Cure is published by Divertir Publishing. My short stories Frost and Fog and The Unfinished Task is published by Elephants Bookshelf Press.
Thanks for your consideration.
Take the url link from your post and add it to the linky list below. (Click on the button in the post, not in the comments.) Use the list to critique the five people above and below your listing. If you are number 6 then you would feedback numbers 1,2,3,4,5,7,8,9,10,11 on the list. Please leave constructive criticism, but also say what you like about the query. Don't worry if it's not your genre, just do your best to give your thoughts.
If your entry falls at the beginning or ending of the linky list, wait for the list to close and then give feedback to the other end of the list. For example if you are number 1, you would critique 2 through 6 then the last five links at the very end of the list once the hop closes.
Of course you may also get super enthused and critique more than ten queries. Feel free to jump around and help out as much as you can!
Bonus: I will randomly choose entries from the linky list to feedback on my blog. (A few a week.) Please watch for these entries and leave additional feedback here.
And special treat! For the Holiday Query Blog Hop I'll be bringing in surprise guests to critique. This can be anyone from a published author to an agent.
You are welcome to update your query letter with revisions. The linky list will remain open through December 14th. After that time, you may not join. The bonus critiques will not include everyone. I will do as many as I can while still having time for my own writing.
If you fail to critique the five entries above and below your spot, well... that's sad and I'm sure karma will know.
Need more critiques? Advertise your willingness to give to get feedback on twitter under the hashtag #HolidayQuery
The fun starts immediately!
November 29, 2014
Fall 1st Hop Critique 11
I'll give a shot at some first page comments. Keep in mind that feedback on a first page is subjective by nature. What does and does not catch the eye is going to vary by person. Each writer must weigh the comments they get against their own judgement and make the changes that resonate with them.
The hop is now closed. Be sure to finish up your critiques. Writers at the beginning and ending of the list should critique each other. If you have a revision, you can ask for feedback on the #Fall1stHop hashtag. Query Hop coming in December so stay tuned!The random number generator picks 47! Here is the first page without comments:
Adult Urban Fantasy
“its one book,” he mumbled into the darkness. “What’s the big deal?Lowering his fevered head to the frosted pane of glass, he tried to calm his pounding heart beat. Winter wind clutched at the scorched sensation emanating from his body, his breath steaming the window of the book storeFor the last three days he’d gone inside, browsing, inspecting the collection, listening as she refused to sell the books.Tonight, however, With the last car’s departure from the parking lot, he’d hunkered down amidst the oaks and pines to wait for the store to close. The wild tangle of trees and underbrush kept his car almost invisible to the owner.“Don’t do this, son,” his father’s voice lectured him even though he hadn’t seen the old man in five years.I can do something about it tonight.I don’t have any other choice.Steep roof lines and a white-washed wrap-around porch formed a silhouette against the charcoal sky as he crouched on the balls of his feet to inspect the window frames. Wires and components for an alarm system hung in a jumbled mess beneath the sill. “Someone’s broken in before,” he whispered. “This will be easy.”A slight movement stilled his body against the pale siding. He needed to disappear into the sparse foliage lining the flower boxes.The crack of whipping branches dropping pine needles onto the cedar shingles sounded like footsteps. Nothing else moved, he was still alone.Relief washed through him,but the scorching fire in his chest erupted into white hot flames.
And with my crazy comments:
Adult Urban Fantasy
“iIts one book,” he mumbled into the darkness. “What’s the big deal?Lowering his fevered head to the frosted pane of glass, he tried to calm his pounding heart beat. (My experience has taught me to avoid starting sentences with -ing verbs or at least limit to a few in the manuscript. It's considered lazy writing. You might want to skip it on the first page by rearranging and using 'and.') Winter wind clutched at the scorched sensation (simplify) heat emanating from his body, his breath steaming the window of the book store.For the last three days he’d gone inside,(I think this is understood.) browseding, inspecting the collection, listening as she the proprietor refused to sell the books.(The first sentence indicated it was one particular book.)Tonight, however, wWith the last car’s departure from the parking lot, he’d hunkered down in his vehicle amidst the oaks and pines to wait for the store to close. The wild tangle of trees and underbrush kept his car almost invisible to the owner. (The prior sentence makes it sound like he's hiding in the trees, out in the weather. Now he's been in his car. Clarify.)“Don’t do this, son,” his father’s voice lectured him even though he hadn’t seen the old man in five years.I can do something about it tonight.I don’t have There isn't any other choice. (My gut says don't start with I again.)Steep roof lines and a white-washed wrap-around porch formed a silhouette against the charcoal sky as he crouched on the balls of his feet to inspect the window frames. Wires and components for an alarm system hung in a jumbled mess beneath the sill. “Someone’s broken in before,” he whispered. “This will be easy.”A slight movement stilled his body against the pale siding. He needed to disappear into the sparse foliage lining the flower boxes.(Combine? A slight movement froze him against the siding, urging him to hunch down into the sparse foliage lining the flower boxes.) The crack of whipping branches dropping pine needles onto the cedar shingles sounded like footsteps. Nothing else moved., he was still alone.Relief washed through him, but the scorching fire in his chest erupted into white hot flames. (Pretty intense ending. Something is obviously going on beyond the normal with this character or that's my guess. If that's not the case that some supernatural force is working on him, I caution you not to put too much emotion into the story before we care about the character. I'd use some little trick soon to garner sympathy for him. He performs some kindness or does something honorable. His conscience troubles him for his deed. Something that swings our sympathy to him.)
I'm wondering if this is starting with the main character or someone else. It sounds sort of like this person is sick and that leads me to guess we're not dealing with the main character. Or maybe it's because he's never named that I guess he's not the main.
It certainly raises questions in me. I want to know more and would read on.
I hope this helps.
The hop is now closed. Be sure to finish up your critiques. Writers at the beginning and ending of the list should critique each other. If you have a revision, you can ask for feedback on the #Fall1stHop hashtag. Query Hop coming in December so stay tuned!The random number generator picks 47! Here is the first page without comments:
Adult Urban Fantasy
“its one book,” he mumbled into the darkness. “What’s the big deal?Lowering his fevered head to the frosted pane of glass, he tried to calm his pounding heart beat. Winter wind clutched at the scorched sensation emanating from his body, his breath steaming the window of the book storeFor the last three days he’d gone inside, browsing, inspecting the collection, listening as she refused to sell the books.Tonight, however, With the last car’s departure from the parking lot, he’d hunkered down amidst the oaks and pines to wait for the store to close. The wild tangle of trees and underbrush kept his car almost invisible to the owner.“Don’t do this, son,” his father’s voice lectured him even though he hadn’t seen the old man in five years.I can do something about it tonight.I don’t have any other choice.Steep roof lines and a white-washed wrap-around porch formed a silhouette against the charcoal sky as he crouched on the balls of his feet to inspect the window frames. Wires and components for an alarm system hung in a jumbled mess beneath the sill. “Someone’s broken in before,” he whispered. “This will be easy.”A slight movement stilled his body against the pale siding. He needed to disappear into the sparse foliage lining the flower boxes.The crack of whipping branches dropping pine needles onto the cedar shingles sounded like footsteps. Nothing else moved, he was still alone.Relief washed through him,but the scorching fire in his chest erupted into white hot flames.
And with my crazy comments:
Adult Urban Fantasy
“iIts one book,” he mumbled into the darkness. “What’s the big deal?Lowering his fevered head to the frosted pane of glass, he tried to calm his pounding heart beat. (My experience has taught me to avoid starting sentences with -ing verbs or at least limit to a few in the manuscript. It's considered lazy writing. You might want to skip it on the first page by rearranging and using 'and.') Winter wind clutched at the scorched sensation (simplify) heat emanating from his body, his breath steaming the window of the book store.For the last three days he’d gone inside,(I think this is understood.) browseding, inspecting the collection, listening as she the proprietor refused to sell the books.(The first sentence indicated it was one particular book.)Tonight, however, wWith the last car’s departure from the parking lot, he’d hunkered down in his vehicle amidst the oaks and pines to wait for the store to close. The wild tangle of trees and underbrush kept his car almost invisible to the owner. (The prior sentence makes it sound like he's hiding in the trees, out in the weather. Now he's been in his car. Clarify.)“Don’t do this, son,” his father’s voice lectured him even though he hadn’t seen the old man in five years.I can do something about it tonight.I don’t have There isn't any other choice. (My gut says don't start with I again.)Steep roof lines and a white-washed wrap-around porch formed a silhouette against the charcoal sky as he crouched on the balls of his feet to inspect the window frames. Wires and components for an alarm system hung in a jumbled mess beneath the sill. “Someone’s broken in before,” he whispered. “This will be easy.”A slight movement stilled his body against the pale siding. He needed to disappear into the sparse foliage lining the flower boxes.(Combine? A slight movement froze him against the siding, urging him to hunch down into the sparse foliage lining the flower boxes.) The crack of whipping branches dropping pine needles onto the cedar shingles sounded like footsteps. Nothing else moved., he was still alone.Relief washed through him, but the scorching fire in his chest erupted into white hot flames. (Pretty intense ending. Something is obviously going on beyond the normal with this character or that's my guess. If that's not the case that some supernatural force is working on him, I caution you not to put too much emotion into the story before we care about the character. I'd use some little trick soon to garner sympathy for him. He performs some kindness or does something honorable. His conscience troubles him for his deed. Something that swings our sympathy to him.)
I'm wondering if this is starting with the main character or someone else. It sounds sort of like this person is sick and that leads me to guess we're not dealing with the main character. Or maybe it's because he's never named that I guess he's not the main.
It certainly raises questions in me. I want to know more and would read on.
I hope this helps.
November 28, 2014
Fall 1st Hop Critique 10
I'll give a shot at some first page comments. Keep in mind that feedback on a first page is subjective by nature. What does and does not catch the eye is going to vary by person. Each writer must weigh the comments they get against their own judgement and make the changes that resonate with them.
The hop is now closed. Be sure to finish up your critiques. Writers at the beginning and ending of the list should critique each other. If you have a revision, you can ask for feedback on the #Fall1stHop hashtag. Query Hop coming in December so stay tuned!The random number generator picks 13! Here is the first page without comments:Black Bird – NA Post-apocalyptic RomanceAn ear-splitting growl cut through the trees, and Rab lost his footing on the slippery path. His backside hit the ground with a muffled smack, and a wave of pain shot down his spine. “Ow,” he said, rotating his neck to ease the soreness and assure himself that no one had witnessed his fall. Although he hadn’t laid eyes on another person since he’d left home four days ago, it seemed natural to check. His breath caught at movement over his left shoulder.Up a steep incline, a girl approached an enormous two-horned beast with her hand extended. Its hind legs teetered inches from a rocky overhang but the girl seemed unaware of the danger a cornered animal posed. Rab forgot his injury and jumped to his feet, running up the hill while grasping for the bow at his waist.As he drew near, he slowed his pace so the sound of his footsteps wouldn’t surprise the girl. She’d crept even closer and stood only yards away from her quarry. The beast blustered and swung its head in a strange sideways motion. Unsure of what to do next, Rab searched his memories for knowledge about this breed he believed descended from the ancient bison. Only one fact came to mind—that without warning this species could gather great speed to charge its prey.
And with my crazy comments:Black Bird – NA Post-apocalyptic RomanceAn ear-splitting growl cut through the trees, and Rab (stumbled, losing his footing?) lost his footing on the slippery path. His backside hit the ground with a muffled smack, and a wave of pain shot down his spine. “Ow,” he said, rotating his neck to ease the soreness and assure himself that no one had witnessed his fall.(Wouldn't he be checking on whatever made that growl instead? If it startled him enough to cause him to fall, you'd think he'd be worried. And fear is a stronger emotion than embarrassment.) Although he hadn’t laid eyes on another person since he’d left home four days ago(The first part of this is a great tidbit of info.), it seemed natural to check. His breath caught at movement over his left shoulder.Up a steep incline, a girl of all things (Something to indicate his surprise.) approached an enormous two-horned beast with her hand extended.(Feels like there should be some description of the girl or her dress to give us an idea of the world. Not so important how she looks as to hint at this world. Are her clothes homemade? Is she carrying anything?) Its hind legs teetered inches from a rocky overhangcomma but the girl seemed unaware of the danger a cornered animal posed. (Rab seems to know about animals. He hasn't seen anyone in four days. I'm wondering if they live rough or have cities.)Rab forgot his injury(I didn't know he had one. It's just a bump and a bruise, right? Maybe he jumps stiffly to his feet.) and jumped to his feet, running up the hill while grasping for the bow at his waist.As he drew near, he slowed his pace so the sound of his footsteps wouldn’t surprise the girl. She’d crept even closer and stood only yards away from her quarry. The beast blustered and swung its head in a strange sideways motion. Unsure of what to do next, Rab searched his memories for knowledge about this breed he believed descended from the ancient bison. Only one fact came to mind—that without warning this species could gather great speed to charge its prey. (I think you're trying to show us something important in the last two sentences, but they slow down the pace.) Rab froze. Was that an ancient bison? Weren't those extinct? His grip on the bow tensed as a memory surfaced. Bison charged without warning.
Pretty solid entry, but I think there are a few places to up the tension and make the pace faster. It made me curious about the world and what would happen next.I hope this helps.
The hop is now closed. Be sure to finish up your critiques. Writers at the beginning and ending of the list should critique each other. If you have a revision, you can ask for feedback on the #Fall1stHop hashtag. Query Hop coming in December so stay tuned!The random number generator picks 13! Here is the first page without comments:Black Bird – NA Post-apocalyptic RomanceAn ear-splitting growl cut through the trees, and Rab lost his footing on the slippery path. His backside hit the ground with a muffled smack, and a wave of pain shot down his spine. “Ow,” he said, rotating his neck to ease the soreness and assure himself that no one had witnessed his fall. Although he hadn’t laid eyes on another person since he’d left home four days ago, it seemed natural to check. His breath caught at movement over his left shoulder.Up a steep incline, a girl approached an enormous two-horned beast with her hand extended. Its hind legs teetered inches from a rocky overhang but the girl seemed unaware of the danger a cornered animal posed. Rab forgot his injury and jumped to his feet, running up the hill while grasping for the bow at his waist.As he drew near, he slowed his pace so the sound of his footsteps wouldn’t surprise the girl. She’d crept even closer and stood only yards away from her quarry. The beast blustered and swung its head in a strange sideways motion. Unsure of what to do next, Rab searched his memories for knowledge about this breed he believed descended from the ancient bison. Only one fact came to mind—that without warning this species could gather great speed to charge its prey.
And with my crazy comments:Black Bird – NA Post-apocalyptic RomanceAn ear-splitting growl cut through the trees, and Rab (stumbled, losing his footing?) lost his footing on the slippery path. His backside hit the ground with a muffled smack, and a wave of pain shot down his spine. “Ow,” he said, rotating his neck to ease the soreness and assure himself that no one had witnessed his fall.(Wouldn't he be checking on whatever made that growl instead? If it startled him enough to cause him to fall, you'd think he'd be worried. And fear is a stronger emotion than embarrassment.) Although he hadn’t laid eyes on another person since he’d left home four days ago(The first part of this is a great tidbit of info.), it seemed natural to check. His breath caught at movement over his left shoulder.Up a steep incline, a girl of all things (Something to indicate his surprise.) approached an enormous two-horned beast with her hand extended.(Feels like there should be some description of the girl or her dress to give us an idea of the world. Not so important how she looks as to hint at this world. Are her clothes homemade? Is she carrying anything?) Its hind legs teetered inches from a rocky overhangcomma but the girl seemed unaware of the danger a cornered animal posed. (Rab seems to know about animals. He hasn't seen anyone in four days. I'm wondering if they live rough or have cities.)Rab forgot his injury(I didn't know he had one. It's just a bump and a bruise, right? Maybe he jumps stiffly to his feet.) and jumped to his feet, running up the hill while grasping for the bow at his waist.As he drew near, he slowed his pace so the sound of his footsteps wouldn’t surprise the girl. She’d crept even closer and stood only yards away from her quarry. The beast blustered and swung its head in a strange sideways motion. Unsure of what to do next, Rab searched his memories for knowledge about this breed he believed descended from the ancient bison. Only one fact came to mind—that without warning this species could gather great speed to charge its prey. (I think you're trying to show us something important in the last two sentences, but they slow down the pace.) Rab froze. Was that an ancient bison? Weren't those extinct? His grip on the bow tensed as a memory surfaced. Bison charged without warning.
Pretty solid entry, but I think there are a few places to up the tension and make the pace faster. It made me curious about the world and what would happen next.I hope this helps.
November 26, 2014
Holiday Query Hop
Is your query ready for help?
The Holiday Query Hop will start in December. All that's needed is a blog and a query. You'll have two weeks to sign up for the hop. Then simply critique the five queries before and the five queries after yours. Check back at my blog to see if your query was one of those randomly selected for a critique from me. And we might have special surprise critique guests! Who knows who they'll be. Anyone from published friends to agents!
The Holiday Query Hop is open to finished and unfinished manuscripts. If unfinished state that where the word count would normally go. Include all parts of the query you would send to an agent including the bio, greeting, and closing.
December will be here soon. Get those blogs started and shine up your query. Then come back here next week to add your link to the blog hop.
Happy Holidays!
The Holiday Query Hop will start in December. All that's needed is a blog and a query. You'll have two weeks to sign up for the hop. Then simply critique the five queries before and the five queries after yours. Check back at my blog to see if your query was one of those randomly selected for a critique from me. And we might have special surprise critique guests! Who knows who they'll be. Anyone from published friends to agents!
The Holiday Query Hop is open to finished and unfinished manuscripts. If unfinished state that where the word count would normally go. Include all parts of the query you would send to an agent including the bio, greeting, and closing.
December will be here soon. Get those blogs started and shine up your query. Then come back here next week to add your link to the blog hop.
Happy Holidays!
November 25, 2014
Fall 1st Hop Critique 9
I'll give a shot at some first page comments. Keep in mind that feedback on a first page is subjective by nature. What does and does not catch the eye is going to vary by person. Each writer must weigh the comments they get against their own judgement and make the changes that resonate with them.
The hop is now closed. Be sure to finish up your critiques. Writers at the beginning and ending of the list should critique each other. If you have a revision, you can ask for feedback on the #Fall1stHop hashtag. Query Hop coming in December so stay tuned!The random number generator picks 35! Here is the first page without comments:YA Murder MysteryA police car blocked the main road into my school’s burnt umber brick and whitewashed doors. I raised an eyebrow at it, nibbled a nail, and tripped out of the school minibus.For April, the spring air rose way too crisply and held grass thick with swords of dew, and I struggled with the starched collar of my uniform as moisture crept up my arms and into that annoying air pocket between jumper and shirt. I loosened my tie and shook the wrinkles from my skirt.“Agnetha! Come on.”I jolted. Whilst I preferred Vera not laughing at me, I winced at her whining tone. Like I cared if we were late. First lesson on Fridays was Spanish, and I was already failing.I walked to where she stood and rested a hand on one of her wrists with a nod towards the main entrance.“Look.”As she froze to follow my now-absent gaze, I wandered ahead and kicked at the flowerbed along the front lawn path. I’d have dived into the mushrooms and roses there instead of bumbling my way to class. I snapped off one pink-faced fool and tossed it into the mud, and then lifted a mushroom, shifting earth and shoe-dirt and wilderness as I tucked the fungus behind my ear.A hand on my shoulder, and Vera had caught up. She skipped past me, bubbling with incessant words. “What’s up with the police car?”“You think I know?” I eyed the blue, yellow and white chequers. Police cars had a weird kind of beauty.
And with my crazy comments:YA Murder MysteryA police car blocked the main road into my school’s burnt umber brick and whitewashed doors. I raised an eyebrow at it, nibbled a nail, and tripped out of the school minibus. (This second sentence falls flat for me.) I stare at it as I trip out of the school minibus, nibbling on a fingernail.For April, the spring air rose way too crisply and held grass thick with swords of dew (I think you're trying to say it's hot, but being way too fancy. And I kind of expected something more about the police car) For April, the air stifled, leaving me struggling ... and I struggled with the starched collar of my uniform as moisture crept up my arms and into that annoying air pocket between jumper and shirt. I loosened my tie and shook the wrinkles from my skirt. (I do like the rest of the paragraph but wonder if we shouldn't have something more important or some wonder from her about the police car after she shakes out her skirt. Such as: Why were the police here?)“Agnetha! Come on.”I jolted. (This sounds awkward and you say the same thing in two sentences. You only need it once.) I winced at Vera's whining tone. Whilst I preferred Vera not laughing at me, I winced at her whining tone. Like I cared if we were late. The first lesson today on Fridays (feels like you're feeding us information. Does the day matter?) was Spanish, and I was already failing.I walked to where she stood and rested a hand on one of her wrists with a nod towards the main entrance.“Look.”As she followed my froze to follow my now-absent gaze, I wandered ahead and kicked at the flowerbed along the front lawn path. I’d have If only I could dived into the mushrooms and roses there instead of bumbling my way to class. I snapped off one a pink-faced fool and tossed it into the mud, and then lifted a mushroom, shifting earth and shoe-dirt and wilderness as I tuckeding the fungus behind my ear.A hand on my shoulder, and Vera had caught up. She Vera skipped past me, bubbling with incessant words. “What’s up with the police car?” (Wouldn't Vera have seen it too when she got off the bus? Why would she have to be told to look at it? It just doesn't seem natural. Maybe if Agnetha redirects her to look at it again. Or if Vera mentions it without having to be directed that way.)“You think I know?” I eyed the blue, yellow and white chequers. Police cars had a weird kind of beauty. (I feel like we have a main character with a very unique perspective here. Agnetha is interesting.)
To me this passage feels a little stilted or forced, like the writing is trying too hard. It doesn't come across as natural. It's being fancy for the sake of fanciness, not to create a feeling of stiffness in the character. Getting off the school bus is something Agnetha does everyday. It should have a casual feel.
Also why direct Vera to look at the police car. Wouldn't she see it and mention it on her own?
Where the first page could be formal and stiff is about the police car. Maybe you should create a little more ominous feel to the police car. The last paragraph would be a great place to put a little creepiness.
I like this character and this passage made me curious about what happens next.
I hope this helps.
The hop is now closed. Be sure to finish up your critiques. Writers at the beginning and ending of the list should critique each other. If you have a revision, you can ask for feedback on the #Fall1stHop hashtag. Query Hop coming in December so stay tuned!The random number generator picks 35! Here is the first page without comments:YA Murder MysteryA police car blocked the main road into my school’s burnt umber brick and whitewashed doors. I raised an eyebrow at it, nibbled a nail, and tripped out of the school minibus.For April, the spring air rose way too crisply and held grass thick with swords of dew, and I struggled with the starched collar of my uniform as moisture crept up my arms and into that annoying air pocket between jumper and shirt. I loosened my tie and shook the wrinkles from my skirt.“Agnetha! Come on.”I jolted. Whilst I preferred Vera not laughing at me, I winced at her whining tone. Like I cared if we were late. First lesson on Fridays was Spanish, and I was already failing.I walked to where she stood and rested a hand on one of her wrists with a nod towards the main entrance.“Look.”As she froze to follow my now-absent gaze, I wandered ahead and kicked at the flowerbed along the front lawn path. I’d have dived into the mushrooms and roses there instead of bumbling my way to class. I snapped off one pink-faced fool and tossed it into the mud, and then lifted a mushroom, shifting earth and shoe-dirt and wilderness as I tucked the fungus behind my ear.A hand on my shoulder, and Vera had caught up. She skipped past me, bubbling with incessant words. “What’s up with the police car?”“You think I know?” I eyed the blue, yellow and white chequers. Police cars had a weird kind of beauty.
And with my crazy comments:YA Murder MysteryA police car blocked the main road into my school’s burnt umber brick and whitewashed doors. I raised an eyebrow at it, nibbled a nail, and tripped out of the school minibus. (This second sentence falls flat for me.) I stare at it as I trip out of the school minibus, nibbling on a fingernail.For April, the spring air rose way too crisply and held grass thick with swords of dew (I think you're trying to say it's hot, but being way too fancy. And I kind of expected something more about the police car) For April, the air stifled, leaving me struggling ... and I struggled with the starched collar of my uniform as moisture crept up my arms and into that annoying air pocket between jumper and shirt. I loosened my tie and shook the wrinkles from my skirt. (I do like the rest of the paragraph but wonder if we shouldn't have something more important or some wonder from her about the police car after she shakes out her skirt. Such as: Why were the police here?)“Agnetha! Come on.”I jolted. (This sounds awkward and you say the same thing in two sentences. You only need it once.) I winced at Vera's whining tone. Whilst I preferred Vera not laughing at me, I winced at her whining tone. Like I cared if we were late. The first lesson today on Fridays (feels like you're feeding us information. Does the day matter?) was Spanish, and I was already failing.I walked to where she stood and rested a hand on one of her wrists with a nod towards the main entrance.“Look.”As she followed my froze to follow my now-absent gaze, I wandered ahead and kicked at the flowerbed along the front lawn path. I’d have If only I could dived into the mushrooms and roses there instead of bumbling my way to class. I snapped off one a pink-faced fool and tossed it into the mud, and then lifted a mushroom, shifting earth and shoe-dirt and wilderness as I tuckeding the fungus behind my ear.A hand on my shoulder, and Vera had caught up. She Vera skipped past me, bubbling with incessant words. “What’s up with the police car?” (Wouldn't Vera have seen it too when she got off the bus? Why would she have to be told to look at it? It just doesn't seem natural. Maybe if Agnetha redirects her to look at it again. Or if Vera mentions it without having to be directed that way.)“You think I know?” I eyed the blue, yellow and white chequers. Police cars had a weird kind of beauty. (I feel like we have a main character with a very unique perspective here. Agnetha is interesting.)
To me this passage feels a little stilted or forced, like the writing is trying too hard. It doesn't come across as natural. It's being fancy for the sake of fanciness, not to create a feeling of stiffness in the character. Getting off the school bus is something Agnetha does everyday. It should have a casual feel.
Also why direct Vera to look at the police car. Wouldn't she see it and mention it on her own?
Where the first page could be formal and stiff is about the police car. Maybe you should create a little more ominous feel to the police car. The last paragraph would be a great place to put a little creepiness.
I like this character and this passage made me curious about what happens next.
I hope this helps.
