Michael Stephenson's Blog, page 8
April 10, 2016
So The World's Ending, Huh? Eh! I'm Cool Wit' That. Postmortem Review: You, Me and The Apocalypse #Postmortem #NBC #YMATA
So The World's Ending, Huh? Eh! I'm Cool Wit' That. Postmortem Review: You, Me and The Apocalypse #Postmortem #NBC #YMATA
All pictures courtesy of NBC unless otherwise noted
Greetings, everybody! I'm back once again with another postmortem review of a show that went off the air at least a week ago and that few people watched, and that you probably couldn't give a damn about, so you know this review is gonna be good. As mentioned in one of my previous postmortem posts, since I didn't get to do a 3 week roundup on many of the new mid-season replacement shows, I decided that because many of these shows will only have 10 episodes and wouldn't normally have an extra back-order of episodes anyway, why not do a full review of the entire season. On deck next: You, Me and The Apocalypse.
Sigh! Where to begin. First, I guess I should commend NBC for trying something different in the last few years as far as the foreign acquisitions and rights department goes. If you haven't seen this show or don't know what I'm talking about, let me tell you. This show is a co-production between the American arm of NBC's parent company and a British TV production company. For those who don't know, which is virtually everybody because next to nobody here in America bothered watching it, NBC tried a very similar setup with Amy Poehler's brother's show Welcome To Sweden for not one but two surprising summer seasons. The show was made both for American and Swedish audiences, and was broadcast both in America and Sweden. Mixing familiar American comedy stars with Swedish stars, that show was an even harder sell as half of it was spoken in Swedish and highlighted the cultural differences of a fish-out-of-water American in a foreign country. Ultimately, it got canceled late last summer in the middle of its second season as American audiences could never adjust to the difference in humor, filming styles and the language barrier (half of the show was subtitled, which a great swath of filmgoers have yet to adjust to).
NBC, being the brave company they try to be, forged on with this idea, this time doing the same thing with You, Me and The Apocalypse (#YMATA), this time hoping that a mid-winter start, even more recognizable stars and a prime Thursday spot would help the British dramedy adjust to American judgment. So, did it? Does it hold up to American standards of comedy and storytelling? Well, while I can see this becoming an oft-used trend in the next decade rather than adopting British versions of shows (example: Graceland), I think NBC's experiment in foreign relations is off to a rocky start.
We begin each episode with the same scene to setup the premise of the show, which is also explained in the very title and gets redundant really quick. An asteroid is hurtling toward earth and will hit at any moment, destroying all life as we know it. The only people who may survive this catastrophe have huddled together in an underground bunker. The narrator of this madhouse (and a madhouse it is) explains to us how crazy the people within the walls of the bunker really are. From there, each episode focuses on one of the group, diving farther into their personal story while still maintaining a healthy glance at every other characters' back-story leading up to their encapsulation in the bunker. Following me still? I know, that was worded poorly but I'm not gonna fix it to make sure you were paying attention, because it gets weird and hella tangled from here. Bear with me as this thing's got a lotta characters and they're all important.
We re-begin with our supposed narrator, Jamie. A very, very... very average looking white British bloke, he starts each day by creating a video for his video blog to his missing wife. Seven or so years ago, he got married to a beautiful black woman who subsequently disappeared within one year's time. He knows not where she is, if she was captured, killed or the like. He only hopes that he finds her one day because he is madly in love with her still. He works at a bank in Slough. The manager, he has never fulfilled his potential and is afraid to leave because of his sweet mother and because he fears he might miss his wife's return if ever she came back. Well, before the world learns of this deadly asteroid, all the feces hits the fan in his life when he is brought into a federal office on suspicion of being someone else. As it turns out, he has a twin brother. Not just a twin brother, but the best kind of twin brother, an evil twin brother. Whoa! Like, yeah. We all want an evil twin brother or sister, right? Naturally, he had no idea.
Yeah, I'd probably search for her forever, too. Revelations keep coming (see what I did there? Biblical reference) when he finds out that not only does he have an evil doppelganger roaming the world, but that his missing wife is with this guy. His thoughts: She thinks he's me. He returns home to talk to his mother about it and gets even more mind-blowing news when he learns that his mum is not really his mum. She found him somewhere and figured, "A baby? You mean I get to have the responsibility of looking after a tiny human all by myself, watching them grow up, being there for their heartaches and pain, getting all the blame for if and when they turn out to be a crap human being, and possibly not having them really give a damn about me in my old age? Hells yeah!"
And then the news hits. And we switch from his story over to one of the recognizable stars. Jenna Fischer of The Office (American version) fame returns to TV in this show. Here, she plays a prisoner brought in on charges of having hacked the NSA in the USA or maybe it was the FBI. It was one of them. Hm? I really need to start paying more attention to shows I don't particularly care about. Anyway, she goes to what looks like a max security prison where, in her first day, she unknowingly makes friends with a Nazi played by another recognizable star Megan Mullally of Will and Grace fame. Apparently Brad Pitt's Inglourious Basterds character branded her on her forehead as she proudly wears a swastika smack in the center. Fischer pleads for mercy as she is not the person who actually hacked the Pentagon(?) and just wants to see her dying husband again. He's got some disease and it's all sad and crap because he's bedridden. Turns out, her son was the hacker but she had to take the wrap because... family (oh yeah. I'll be using that again very soon). She hasn't even had a fair trial but with her new buddy the Nazi ,she will survive the prison.
And then the news hits. And we switch from her story over to the story of a White House scientist adviser. This bespectacled American gent advises the president that he has two plans to ensure the survival of the human race. His first plan is to Armageddon the hell outta that asteroid. We're seriously talking Bruce Willis going down in flames to Aerosmith's "Don't Wanna Miss A Thang" while that big sucker blows up to smithereens, and Ben Affleck can come all the way back to earth to make as many Batman films as he wants. The second plan is a bunker full of young women chosen from the billions on earth and supplied with enough food, water and a DNA bank to carry on human diversity. Working with a black general who sounds like he is from Britain but is supposed to be an American, the plan does not involve any men being saved, including the president, though the commander-in-chief doesn't fully understand that and thinks that the leader the new world will need is him, because... ego.
I'm a Science adviser guy.
And we switch again from his story to another story of a Vatican priest played by the biggest star and current Grinder Rob Lowe. Let me stop and say that the incestuousness of TV right now is at an all time. Jenna Fischer was getting around, spreading her talent everywhere she could. Because after this started, two weeks later she appeared on The Grinder playing Rob Lowe's ex-girlfriend who wanted him to give up acting before he became The Grinder. Then a week after that, she appeared on Debra Messing's show Mysteries of Laura, who we all know is friends with and worked for years with Megan Mullally. Get yours, Fischer! Back to Lowe, he plays the 12th angry guy in the room (you better get that reference; that's too classic not to get. That's high school classic) when considering sainthood for people (Mother Teresa is used as an example). With the apocalypse on the horizon and no Jesus return in sight, he is given the new task of finding and possibly debunking claims of people being the Messiah around the world. He is paired with a young, black (oh yes, the chocolateyness in this cast is important) nun who has her own doubts about her faith and whether being a nun is what God wants from her. This mission is the perfect place for her doubts as they embark on an international journey to debunk fake messiahs.
Nice sunglasses, svelte figure. Yeah, I'm kind of a hot priest.
And then we switch back to Fischer's prison and that's when all hell breaks loose. After the comet is announced (I know a comet is technically different but I got tired of using asteroid), the prison goes nuts as there is only a month left before the world ends. Suddenly, the prison doors open and people escape. Fischer and Nazi escape together only to be picked up by the hacker that broke her out and lo and behold, the White Horseman that rescued her is Ariel, Jamie's evil twin. He's a computer hacker and halfway worships Fischer for hacking the CIA(?). He has plans for the both of them and worst of all, doesn't believe the government's "lie" that the world will soon end. Yes, he is dumb. Yes, he is a conspiracy theorist with an odd but very real and understandable fear of germs. While this fear is not always utilized in the show, it does come into play every so often.
Ariel and a buddy of his break Fischer out of jail and Megan (Nazi lady) comes along with them against Ariel's wishes. They eventually ditch her and Fischer's rescue turns into a kidnapping because she only wants to see her son but Ariel wants her to teach him all of her hacking tricks of which she has none. Only when he finds this out do they split, she gets away and Ariel guns for her son.
Ariel the baddie... with a total germ phobia.
Cut to his brother Jamie back in Great Britain. Still in shock from the many revelations laid upon him in the last few days, he and his best friend (a black guy with a funky afro; again, the blackness is strong in this show. Me likey. And it's a hint at the big twist) embark on a journey to find his wife, but to do that they have to find Ariel and to do that they have to find his birth mother. The hunt for his birth mother leads him to an old house where he runs into Ariel's second white girlfriend who nearly kills him because of the whole twin thing. She tells him where his real mom is--a mental institution and he and his friend go to rescue her. The most interesting thing here is that out of all the characters that play a role in this show and don't die immediately, this woman is the only one who shows up for a few minutes and then is never mentioned again. Just had to point that out for viewers. Anyway, they rescue the mum from the institution because she would have to know where Ariel is, right? Not only does she say that she didn't give Ariel up and leave him in a parking lot like she did our venerable hero Jamie, but she continues talking with him and knows Ariel hates Jamie. Why? Because he heard about Jamie throughout his childhood. Why? Because their birth mum believes Jamie is the savior returned, yeah, that guy Jesus. Awww snap!
Cut to the priest and the black nun roaming around the European Union looking for real messiahs and debunking them. Still paying attention? OK, because it's about to get intense and I'm not slowing down. They review many different would-be "Christs" for the church and Rob Lowe even tries to stop a man who was a priest abuse victim as a child from jumping off a building. People are losing their minds and clamoring for any faithful thing bolted to the ground. They go to a cult in Spain where the leaders are worshiped as new messiahs (plural), and forced to get married under their law in order to enter into the kingdom of paradise here on earth--a requirement for entering after death--only to realize it's a sex cult. Nope! Not for them.
There's a woman who helps people in her town and feeds the poor and takes care of the sick but it turns out she just steals free food and medicine from shipping containers filled with the stuff but that sits and would rot because of improper approval for the food. There's even a little girl in a hospital who is about six or seven years old and wears a giraffe costume all the time. The locals think she is Jesus returned because she's been able to predict certain things for people and generally makes them feel good, but her mother--a black chick--argues that she's a kid and that's what kids do. They say funny stuff that sounds deep and smile a lot, making people feel good. She tells the nun something about four horsemen before Rob Lowe helps sneak her and her mother out of the hospital away from the crowd. All of them are denied by him as being the new Messiah.
And back to Fischer who partners once again with the Nazi to get across country to her son before Ariel does. They run into trouble through their rich shenanigans as they sneak into people's house, steal clothes, outwit and escape the FBI trackers and try contacting her brother. Even Megan Mullally's husband Nick Offerman of Parks and Rec fame makes an appearance as a cross-dressing hillbilly in the middle of nowhere. He comes to realize that Fischer has a sizable bounty on her head which he plans to collect because it's his patriotic duty... and, you know, the money can buy him a lot of nice dresses. Still the two escape and manage to go to Megan's house where the same thing happens with her White Power husband and kids who seek to turn her new friend Fischer in for the reward. Well, Fischer manages to escape with the sneaky help of Megan and is back on the road.
Unfortunately, we switch back to Ariel's plan to find that he's got the kid already. He wants to force the kid to tell him the secrets and first starts by playing nice, which quickly devolves into death threats. Only when his chubby, hairy friend tells him that the apocalypse is real--info earned from a hack into credible scientists' computers--does Jamie start plotting. He figures that if it's real then the government has a backup plan to keep humanity going. Whatever it is, he wants in. Get ready for your first twist because here it comes.
"Girl, that sound crazy as hell!"We hop over to the government workers storyline where he is bulling forward with the plan to Deep Impact the meteor (yes, now I'm calling it a meteor. I know the difference between a meteor, meteorite, and meteoroid. Don't roll your eyes at me. Yes, I know it's significantly smaller than an asteroid, but still... I'm usin' it) and nuke it into oblivion. But he's also working with the president to prepare the bunker. Well, it turns out that the black general he's been working with is not just his workmate but his boyfriend. They've been white house gay for quite some time and even live with each other in a nice, modern-chic apartment. But then one day, he suddenly gets a call from his sister who tells him that his nephew is in trouble because he may have been kidnapped by a crazy hacker dude. Whaaa! That's right, he is the brother of Fischer's character and the uncle of the great hacker who bypassed the DEAs(?) security and is now being held captive by Ariel. As it just so happens, no sooner does he learn this then does he learn that she has broken out of jail and is a wanted fugitive, and has Ariel contact him about trading the boy in exchange for a spot in whatever life-saving thing they have planned. A calculating scientist, he isn't cold-hearted. Even against his boyfriend's wishes, he decides to go and save the boy for his sister's sack, even though he swears he can't do anything about the reward on her head. In the last minute the black guy comes and helps his boyfriend save the teenage boy from the evil grips of Ariel, leaving the White Horseman fiend for dead in some museum place. But Ariel doesn't die. Instead he's picked up by a mysterious woman. You ready for the next twist, because it's a doozy? I'll give you one paragraph to let your mind percolate before I tell you, as we cut to...
The priest and the nun. Going about their business, technically married but not stressing over it, they continued their search for the new Messiah. Well, while on their search the priest sees a woman die on TV in what many people in the world deem a cruelly hilarious way to die--a literal ton of bricks from a building fall on her and crush her to death as she is spouting off gobbledygook about the end times. Is it funny and unexpected? Yes. Did they have to make cruel jokes about it, make it into a gif and put hilarious Three Stooges/Scooby-Doo cartoon music to her death? Well... no. But did that make it funnier? Sadly, yes. Now I feel ashamed of myself. The priest recognizes the woman as his one and only booty call from way back in the day before he joined the priesthood as a young lad. Though it's not his official duty, he feels he needs to go to the town to pay his respects. So, he and the black nun go there and try to visit her grave/funeral to pay their respects. You ready for this? Here we go.
The woman in question is Jamie (and Ariel's) birth mother. She died shortly after Jamie brought her back to Slough and went to his bank for whatever reason outside of which she died, LOL--so ashamed. So ashamed of myself. As it turns out he was Jamie's father the whole time but never knew he had any offspring, let alone twins. The moment he went into the priesthood, he pretty much abandoned any connections with his family. It gets more intense as I will be jumping around here. Ariel awakes to an old lady who has him strapped to a hospital bed and is about to steal his blood. She has been tracking him. "Why?" "Because I need your blood. So I found you through your uncle." Huhh? He was raised by the crazy lady who believed his brother was the Messiah. He knew of no uncle. Oh, but he has one. In fact, he has a Fraternal twin uncle and aunt, the very same who are currently a White House science adviser and an escaped domestic terrorist prisoner on the run with her Nazi buddy. That's right, everybody's frickin' related. To clarify, Rob Lowe as the priest is the older brother to Fischer and the gay scientist dude. He is also the father of Jamie and Ariel, unbeknownst to him. Ariel was admiring and kidnapped the hacker who happens to be his young cousin. Now, the old lady who has him strapped to the bed is actually his extravagantly wealthy grandma who faked her death after killing her husband in the 80s. Yes, this is all part of the plot because... family.
But it gets better because remember how I made a semi-big deal about all the black people? Well, as Priest Rob Lowe is about to leave with his black nun pseudo-wife, Jamie tells him about how he lost his wife years ago and that she was spotted last with his brother Ariel. As it turns out, he shows the photo to the nun and she realizes that the giraffe-costumed kid from the hospital has a mother who happens to be Jamie's wife. Aww snap and aww snap again! Not only is Jamie's wife currently still alive and not with Ariel, but she has a kid who could potentially be his or Ariel's. Step back and look at the map and you'll see that this white half-American, half-British family is essentially the Kardashians as far as taste in partners go. Jamie married a black woman, who he later finds out knew, was raised with and quasi-loved Ariel. They're little bi-racial black baby (though, to be fair the girl looks more Hispanic than anything) is running around half-predicting the future for people. The priest is now currently married (though half-unwillingly) to a black nun, both of them realizing that they do have romantic feelings for each other and sex it up before returning to the Vatican where they wrestle with their faith and whether they should continue their calling or flounce their vows to be with each other before it all ends. The scientist guy is in love with his gay black White House general. Wanna guess what race Fischer's sick husband is? Well, he looks Middle Eastern, so... yeah. But he might be mixed with some Black, so you never know. But to jump ahead a little, Jamie's adoptive mom throws caution to the wind and marries his best friend, the funky-haired black guy. So yeah, the whole family has Jungle Fever, save for the rich old white lady.
I'm your daughter, daddy.
Speaking of the old white lady, she happens to have a very rare blood disease and needs new blood from a family donor to stay alive. She also has a bunker ready for the apocalypse--well, would ya look at that. Ariel convinces her that his blood wouldn't be nearly as good for her as her great grandchild's the giraffe girl, as her blood is even younger and fresher. She agrees because she is just as evil as he is and she lets him go to find the little girl. His plan is not only to get the girl but his girlfriend/Jamie's wife back. As it turns out, he and the black woman were somewhat hooligans.
He learned all sorts of criminal trickery and became a hacker to play a game on Jamie. Knowing he always had a twin and hearing how perfect Jamie was and how blessed he was and his importance made him super jealous, so much so that he set out to ruin the man's life in as many ways as possible. He hacked into his records to make sure he didn't get into any of the colleges he wanted, he made sure the man felt less than special at any turn. In his most devious plan, he sent his own girlfriend to go and seduce Jamie, make him fall in love, get married and then willfully disappear and break his heart. Problems arose when the girl actually did fall in love with him after realizing he was a good, honest person. When she discovered she got pregnant just after their wedding, she fled not because that was part of the game but because she didn't want to have her child used as a pawn. But Ariel still found her after that and kept her under his control for a while before she could escape with her daughter. Both Ariel and Jamie have been looking for her ever since, but she watches Jamie's videos-to-her every day with her daughter and tells her that Jamie is her father. My mind was blown after that.
Now, to start wrapping this up, as you can guess now as the show makes no secret about it during its repetitive starting scene, most of the family makes it into the bunker. From the time you learn that Jamie has a twin (twins running in the family) the question arises of who narrates the show from the bunker at the end. For me, it was kind of a giveaway the entire time, which actually made me a little upset, but I digress. Also, Rob Lowe's priest doesn't make it as he is murdered by other Vatican priests, but don't worry his now pregnant black nun wife gets in. Also, Fischer's sick husband plays hero as someone must close the bunker door from the outside, so he doesn't make it either. He was sick and dying anyway so it wasn't a great loss.
What is my grade? I will actually give this one a B+. I know, that seems very high doesn't it, especially for a show that I barely gave a damn about and only halfway paid attention to while watching. But I will qualify this rating by saying that it definitely isn't for everyone. Here's the thing: I grew up watching a few British comedy shows, so I understand and appreciate their sense of humor. I get it. The shows are also filmed differently over there and you can definitely tell, so you might have to adjust to that. It's like that weird too-real-for-life HD thing but it's not actually HD. Sometimes it can look like it's filmed on a personal family camcorder. And even I'll admit that it took me quite a while to start paying attention to this show in any meaningful way. But with that said, I enjoyed the acting performances from most of the Brits and Americans. A lot of the humor is more shake-your-head-worthy than LOL but you might still get a few good chuckles. But the plot does keep you on your toes and plays all the contrivances very tongue and cheek like most British humor. They know it's ridiculous and aren't ashamed of it, which is what makes it so fun. It's a love story about family and revenge... and the apocalypse. In this day and age of everyone talking about the end of the world, what more could you want?
Should you be watching? Well, that's the question, isn't it. Unlike Second Chance or The Family, I feel as if this series was far more of an event series than anything ready-made for a second go-around. I have trouble seeing it coming back for a second season and still maintaining all the wackiness that made the first season so enthralling. Yes, they can be trapped in the bunker while the world doesn't end or they could get out of the bunker during an apocalypse that actually isn't that bad, but I can't think of how they'd make it as entertaining, so I can't recommend you watch it in hopes of having a second season, especially since the ending can be interpreted somewhat as a cliffhanger. But if you watch it solely as an event series, a miniseries that told a nice little story and is contained in those ten episodes, you might enjoy it. You can find it currently on NBC OnDemand on most cable and satellite providers, as well as on NBC.com and probably on Hulu very soon. Just don't expect it to return to the airwaves anytime soon.
What do you think? Did you see You, Me and The Apocalypse? If so, what did you think? Was it funny with its British humor sensibilities or did you not like it as an American viewer? Or did you think the whole thing was contrived and cliche and you hated it? Or did you not see it at all? If not, do you think you'll take a look now? Let me know in the comments below (hint: click the no comments button if you see no comments).
Check out my new 5-star comedy novel, Yep, I'm Totally Stalking My Ex-Boyfriend . #AhStalkingIf you’re looking for a scare, check the YA novel #AFuriousWind, the NA novel #DARKER, #BrandNewHome or the bizarre horror #ThePowerOfTen. For those interested in something a little more dramatic and adult, check out #TheWriter. The full first season is out NOW exclusively on Amazon; season 2 coming this summer. If you like fast action/crime check out #ADangerousLow. The sequel A New Low will be out in a few months. Join us on Goodreads to talk about books and TV, and subscribe to and follow my blog with that Google+ button to the right.
Until next time, "So, I had a revelation last night."'Oh yeah?'"Yep. God spoke to me."'What'd he say?'"He told me to stop being an ass about things."'God knows his stuff.'
P.S. No, that doesn't just go for religious people. That goes for everybody. Chill out, people. Sometimes, it's not the end of the world if you don't get your way. Speaking of which, why am I not more popular by now? Get on that, people! I'll think of a better sign-off next time.
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All pictures courtesy of NBC unless otherwise noted Greetings, everybody! I'm back once again with another postmortem review of a show that went off the air at least a week ago and that few people watched, and that you probably couldn't give a damn about, so you know this review is gonna be good. As mentioned in one of my previous postmortem posts, since I didn't get to do a 3 week roundup on many of the new mid-season replacement shows, I decided that because many of these shows will only have 10 episodes and wouldn't normally have an extra back-order of episodes anyway, why not do a full review of the entire season. On deck next: You, Me and The Apocalypse.
Sigh! Where to begin. First, I guess I should commend NBC for trying something different in the last few years as far as the foreign acquisitions and rights department goes. If you haven't seen this show or don't know what I'm talking about, let me tell you. This show is a co-production between the American arm of NBC's parent company and a British TV production company. For those who don't know, which is virtually everybody because next to nobody here in America bothered watching it, NBC tried a very similar setup with Amy Poehler's brother's show Welcome To Sweden for not one but two surprising summer seasons. The show was made both for American and Swedish audiences, and was broadcast both in America and Sweden. Mixing familiar American comedy stars with Swedish stars, that show was an even harder sell as half of it was spoken in Swedish and highlighted the cultural differences of a fish-out-of-water American in a foreign country. Ultimately, it got canceled late last summer in the middle of its second season as American audiences could never adjust to the difference in humor, filming styles and the language barrier (half of the show was subtitled, which a great swath of filmgoers have yet to adjust to).
NBC, being the brave company they try to be, forged on with this idea, this time doing the same thing with You, Me and The Apocalypse (#YMATA), this time hoping that a mid-winter start, even more recognizable stars and a prime Thursday spot would help the British dramedy adjust to American judgment. So, did it? Does it hold up to American standards of comedy and storytelling? Well, while I can see this becoming an oft-used trend in the next decade rather than adopting British versions of shows (example: Graceland), I think NBC's experiment in foreign relations is off to a rocky start.
We begin each episode with the same scene to setup the premise of the show, which is also explained in the very title and gets redundant really quick. An asteroid is hurtling toward earth and will hit at any moment, destroying all life as we know it. The only people who may survive this catastrophe have huddled together in an underground bunker. The narrator of this madhouse (and a madhouse it is) explains to us how crazy the people within the walls of the bunker really are. From there, each episode focuses on one of the group, diving farther into their personal story while still maintaining a healthy glance at every other characters' back-story leading up to their encapsulation in the bunker. Following me still? I know, that was worded poorly but I'm not gonna fix it to make sure you were paying attention, because it gets weird and hella tangled from here. Bear with me as this thing's got a lotta characters and they're all important.
We re-begin with our supposed narrator, Jamie. A very, very... very average looking white British bloke, he starts each day by creating a video for his video blog to his missing wife. Seven or so years ago, he got married to a beautiful black woman who subsequently disappeared within one year's time. He knows not where she is, if she was captured, killed or the like. He only hopes that he finds her one day because he is madly in love with her still. He works at a bank in Slough. The manager, he has never fulfilled his potential and is afraid to leave because of his sweet mother and because he fears he might miss his wife's return if ever she came back. Well, before the world learns of this deadly asteroid, all the feces hits the fan in his life when he is brought into a federal office on suspicion of being someone else. As it turns out, he has a twin brother. Not just a twin brother, but the best kind of twin brother, an evil twin brother. Whoa! Like, yeah. We all want an evil twin brother or sister, right? Naturally, he had no idea.
Yeah, I'd probably search for her forever, too. Revelations keep coming (see what I did there? Biblical reference) when he finds out that not only does he have an evil doppelganger roaming the world, but that his missing wife is with this guy. His thoughts: She thinks he's me. He returns home to talk to his mother about it and gets even more mind-blowing news when he learns that his mum is not really his mum. She found him somewhere and figured, "A baby? You mean I get to have the responsibility of looking after a tiny human all by myself, watching them grow up, being there for their heartaches and pain, getting all the blame for if and when they turn out to be a crap human being, and possibly not having them really give a damn about me in my old age? Hells yeah!"
And then the news hits. And we switch from his story over to one of the recognizable stars. Jenna Fischer of The Office (American version) fame returns to TV in this show. Here, she plays a prisoner brought in on charges of having hacked the NSA in the USA or maybe it was the FBI. It was one of them. Hm? I really need to start paying more attention to shows I don't particularly care about. Anyway, she goes to what looks like a max security prison where, in her first day, she unknowingly makes friends with a Nazi played by another recognizable star Megan Mullally of Will and Grace fame. Apparently Brad Pitt's Inglourious Basterds character branded her on her forehead as she proudly wears a swastika smack in the center. Fischer pleads for mercy as she is not the person who actually hacked the Pentagon(?) and just wants to see her dying husband again. He's got some disease and it's all sad and crap because he's bedridden. Turns out, her son was the hacker but she had to take the wrap because... family (oh yeah. I'll be using that again very soon). She hasn't even had a fair trial but with her new buddy the Nazi ,she will survive the prison.And then the news hits. And we switch from her story over to the story of a White House scientist adviser. This bespectacled American gent advises the president that he has two plans to ensure the survival of the human race. His first plan is to Armageddon the hell outta that asteroid. We're seriously talking Bruce Willis going down in flames to Aerosmith's "Don't Wanna Miss A Thang" while that big sucker blows up to smithereens, and Ben Affleck can come all the way back to earth to make as many Batman films as he wants. The second plan is a bunker full of young women chosen from the billions on earth and supplied with enough food, water and a DNA bank to carry on human diversity. Working with a black general who sounds like he is from Britain but is supposed to be an American, the plan does not involve any men being saved, including the president, though the commander-in-chief doesn't fully understand that and thinks that the leader the new world will need is him, because... ego.
I'm a Science adviser guy. And we switch again from his story to another story of a Vatican priest played by the biggest star and current Grinder Rob Lowe. Let me stop and say that the incestuousness of TV right now is at an all time. Jenna Fischer was getting around, spreading her talent everywhere she could. Because after this started, two weeks later she appeared on The Grinder playing Rob Lowe's ex-girlfriend who wanted him to give up acting before he became The Grinder. Then a week after that, she appeared on Debra Messing's show Mysteries of Laura, who we all know is friends with and worked for years with Megan Mullally. Get yours, Fischer! Back to Lowe, he plays the 12th angry guy in the room (you better get that reference; that's too classic not to get. That's high school classic) when considering sainthood for people (Mother Teresa is used as an example). With the apocalypse on the horizon and no Jesus return in sight, he is given the new task of finding and possibly debunking claims of people being the Messiah around the world. He is paired with a young, black (oh yes, the chocolateyness in this cast is important) nun who has her own doubts about her faith and whether being a nun is what God wants from her. This mission is the perfect place for her doubts as they embark on an international journey to debunk fake messiahs.
Nice sunglasses, svelte figure. Yeah, I'm kind of a hot priest. And then we switch back to Fischer's prison and that's when all hell breaks loose. After the comet is announced (I know a comet is technically different but I got tired of using asteroid), the prison goes nuts as there is only a month left before the world ends. Suddenly, the prison doors open and people escape. Fischer and Nazi escape together only to be picked up by the hacker that broke her out and lo and behold, the White Horseman that rescued her is Ariel, Jamie's evil twin. He's a computer hacker and halfway worships Fischer for hacking the CIA(?). He has plans for the both of them and worst of all, doesn't believe the government's "lie" that the world will soon end. Yes, he is dumb. Yes, he is a conspiracy theorist with an odd but very real and understandable fear of germs. While this fear is not always utilized in the show, it does come into play every so often.
Ariel and a buddy of his break Fischer out of jail and Megan (Nazi lady) comes along with them against Ariel's wishes. They eventually ditch her and Fischer's rescue turns into a kidnapping because she only wants to see her son but Ariel wants her to teach him all of her hacking tricks of which she has none. Only when he finds this out do they split, she gets away and Ariel guns for her son.
Ariel the baddie... with a total germ phobia. Cut to his brother Jamie back in Great Britain. Still in shock from the many revelations laid upon him in the last few days, he and his best friend (a black guy with a funky afro; again, the blackness is strong in this show. Me likey. And it's a hint at the big twist) embark on a journey to find his wife, but to do that they have to find Ariel and to do that they have to find his birth mother. The hunt for his birth mother leads him to an old house where he runs into Ariel's second white girlfriend who nearly kills him because of the whole twin thing. She tells him where his real mom is--a mental institution and he and his friend go to rescue her. The most interesting thing here is that out of all the characters that play a role in this show and don't die immediately, this woman is the only one who shows up for a few minutes and then is never mentioned again. Just had to point that out for viewers. Anyway, they rescue the mum from the institution because she would have to know where Ariel is, right? Not only does she say that she didn't give Ariel up and leave him in a parking lot like she did our venerable hero Jamie, but she continues talking with him and knows Ariel hates Jamie. Why? Because he heard about Jamie throughout his childhood. Why? Because their birth mum believes Jamie is the savior returned, yeah, that guy Jesus. Awww snap!
Cut to the priest and the black nun roaming around the European Union looking for real messiahs and debunking them. Still paying attention? OK, because it's about to get intense and I'm not slowing down. They review many different would-be "Christs" for the church and Rob Lowe even tries to stop a man who was a priest abuse victim as a child from jumping off a building. People are losing their minds and clamoring for any faithful thing bolted to the ground. They go to a cult in Spain where the leaders are worshiped as new messiahs (plural), and forced to get married under their law in order to enter into the kingdom of paradise here on earth--a requirement for entering after death--only to realize it's a sex cult. Nope! Not for them.
There's a woman who helps people in her town and feeds the poor and takes care of the sick but it turns out she just steals free food and medicine from shipping containers filled with the stuff but that sits and would rot because of improper approval for the food. There's even a little girl in a hospital who is about six or seven years old and wears a giraffe costume all the time. The locals think she is Jesus returned because she's been able to predict certain things for people and generally makes them feel good, but her mother--a black chick--argues that she's a kid and that's what kids do. They say funny stuff that sounds deep and smile a lot, making people feel good. She tells the nun something about four horsemen before Rob Lowe helps sneak her and her mother out of the hospital away from the crowd. All of them are denied by him as being the new Messiah.And back to Fischer who partners once again with the Nazi to get across country to her son before Ariel does. They run into trouble through their rich shenanigans as they sneak into people's house, steal clothes, outwit and escape the FBI trackers and try contacting her brother. Even Megan Mullally's husband Nick Offerman of Parks and Rec fame makes an appearance as a cross-dressing hillbilly in the middle of nowhere. He comes to realize that Fischer has a sizable bounty on her head which he plans to collect because it's his patriotic duty... and, you know, the money can buy him a lot of nice dresses. Still the two escape and manage to go to Megan's house where the same thing happens with her White Power husband and kids who seek to turn her new friend Fischer in for the reward. Well, Fischer manages to escape with the sneaky help of Megan and is back on the road.
Unfortunately, we switch back to Ariel's plan to find that he's got the kid already. He wants to force the kid to tell him the secrets and first starts by playing nice, which quickly devolves into death threats. Only when his chubby, hairy friend tells him that the apocalypse is real--info earned from a hack into credible scientists' computers--does Jamie start plotting. He figures that if it's real then the government has a backup plan to keep humanity going. Whatever it is, he wants in. Get ready for your first twist because here it comes.
"Girl, that sound crazy as hell!"We hop over to the government workers storyline where he is bulling forward with the plan to Deep Impact the meteor (yes, now I'm calling it a meteor. I know the difference between a meteor, meteorite, and meteoroid. Don't roll your eyes at me. Yes, I know it's significantly smaller than an asteroid, but still... I'm usin' it) and nuke it into oblivion. But he's also working with the president to prepare the bunker. Well, it turns out that the black general he's been working with is not just his workmate but his boyfriend. They've been white house gay for quite some time and even live with each other in a nice, modern-chic apartment. But then one day, he suddenly gets a call from his sister who tells him that his nephew is in trouble because he may have been kidnapped by a crazy hacker dude. Whaaa! That's right, he is the brother of Fischer's character and the uncle of the great hacker who bypassed the DEAs(?) security and is now being held captive by Ariel. As it just so happens, no sooner does he learn this then does he learn that she has broken out of jail and is a wanted fugitive, and has Ariel contact him about trading the boy in exchange for a spot in whatever life-saving thing they have planned. A calculating scientist, he isn't cold-hearted. Even against his boyfriend's wishes, he decides to go and save the boy for his sister's sack, even though he swears he can't do anything about the reward on her head. In the last minute the black guy comes and helps his boyfriend save the teenage boy from the evil grips of Ariel, leaving the White Horseman fiend for dead in some museum place. But Ariel doesn't die. Instead he's picked up by a mysterious woman. You ready for the next twist, because it's a doozy? I'll give you one paragraph to let your mind percolate before I tell you, as we cut to...
The priest and the nun. Going about their business, technically married but not stressing over it, they continued their search for the new Messiah. Well, while on their search the priest sees a woman die on TV in what many people in the world deem a cruelly hilarious way to die--a literal ton of bricks from a building fall on her and crush her to death as she is spouting off gobbledygook about the end times. Is it funny and unexpected? Yes. Did they have to make cruel jokes about it, make it into a gif and put hilarious Three Stooges/Scooby-Doo cartoon music to her death? Well... no. But did that make it funnier? Sadly, yes. Now I feel ashamed of myself. The priest recognizes the woman as his one and only booty call from way back in the day before he joined the priesthood as a young lad. Though it's not his official duty, he feels he needs to go to the town to pay his respects. So, he and the black nun go there and try to visit her grave/funeral to pay their respects. You ready for this? Here we go.The woman in question is Jamie (and Ariel's) birth mother. She died shortly after Jamie brought her back to Slough and went to his bank for whatever reason outside of which she died, LOL--so ashamed. So ashamed of myself. As it turns out he was Jamie's father the whole time but never knew he had any offspring, let alone twins. The moment he went into the priesthood, he pretty much abandoned any connections with his family. It gets more intense as I will be jumping around here. Ariel awakes to an old lady who has him strapped to a hospital bed and is about to steal his blood. She has been tracking him. "Why?" "Because I need your blood. So I found you through your uncle." Huhh? He was raised by the crazy lady who believed his brother was the Messiah. He knew of no uncle. Oh, but he has one. In fact, he has a Fraternal twin uncle and aunt, the very same who are currently a White House science adviser and an escaped domestic terrorist prisoner on the run with her Nazi buddy. That's right, everybody's frickin' related. To clarify, Rob Lowe as the priest is the older brother to Fischer and the gay scientist dude. He is also the father of Jamie and Ariel, unbeknownst to him. Ariel was admiring and kidnapped the hacker who happens to be his young cousin. Now, the old lady who has him strapped to the bed is actually his extravagantly wealthy grandma who faked her death after killing her husband in the 80s. Yes, this is all part of the plot because... family.
But it gets better because remember how I made a semi-big deal about all the black people? Well, as Priest Rob Lowe is about to leave with his black nun pseudo-wife, Jamie tells him about how he lost his wife years ago and that she was spotted last with his brother Ariel. As it turns out, he shows the photo to the nun and she realizes that the giraffe-costumed kid from the hospital has a mother who happens to be Jamie's wife. Aww snap and aww snap again! Not only is Jamie's wife currently still alive and not with Ariel, but she has a kid who could potentially be his or Ariel's. Step back and look at the map and you'll see that this white half-American, half-British family is essentially the Kardashians as far as taste in partners go. Jamie married a black woman, who he later finds out knew, was raised with and quasi-loved Ariel. They're little bi-racial black baby (though, to be fair the girl looks more Hispanic than anything) is running around half-predicting the future for people. The priest is now currently married (though half-unwillingly) to a black nun, both of them realizing that they do have romantic feelings for each other and sex it up before returning to the Vatican where they wrestle with their faith and whether they should continue their calling or flounce their vows to be with each other before it all ends. The scientist guy is in love with his gay black White House general. Wanna guess what race Fischer's sick husband is? Well, he looks Middle Eastern, so... yeah. But he might be mixed with some Black, so you never know. But to jump ahead a little, Jamie's adoptive mom throws caution to the wind and marries his best friend, the funky-haired black guy. So yeah, the whole family has Jungle Fever, save for the rich old white lady.
I'm your daughter, daddy. Speaking of the old white lady, she happens to have a very rare blood disease and needs new blood from a family donor to stay alive. She also has a bunker ready for the apocalypse--well, would ya look at that. Ariel convinces her that his blood wouldn't be nearly as good for her as her great grandchild's the giraffe girl, as her blood is even younger and fresher. She agrees because she is just as evil as he is and she lets him go to find the little girl. His plan is not only to get the girl but his girlfriend/Jamie's wife back. As it turns out, he and the black woman were somewhat hooligans.
He learned all sorts of criminal trickery and became a hacker to play a game on Jamie. Knowing he always had a twin and hearing how perfect Jamie was and how blessed he was and his importance made him super jealous, so much so that he set out to ruin the man's life in as many ways as possible. He hacked into his records to make sure he didn't get into any of the colleges he wanted, he made sure the man felt less than special at any turn. In his most devious plan, he sent his own girlfriend to go and seduce Jamie, make him fall in love, get married and then willfully disappear and break his heart. Problems arose when the girl actually did fall in love with him after realizing he was a good, honest person. When she discovered she got pregnant just after their wedding, she fled not because that was part of the game but because she didn't want to have her child used as a pawn. But Ariel still found her after that and kept her under his control for a while before she could escape with her daughter. Both Ariel and Jamie have been looking for her ever since, but she watches Jamie's videos-to-her every day with her daughter and tells her that Jamie is her father. My mind was blown after that.
Now, to start wrapping this up, as you can guess now as the show makes no secret about it during its repetitive starting scene, most of the family makes it into the bunker. From the time you learn that Jamie has a twin (twins running in the family) the question arises of who narrates the show from the bunker at the end. For me, it was kind of a giveaway the entire time, which actually made me a little upset, but I digress. Also, Rob Lowe's priest doesn't make it as he is murdered by other Vatican priests, but don't worry his now pregnant black nun wife gets in. Also, Fischer's sick husband plays hero as someone must close the bunker door from the outside, so he doesn't make it either. He was sick and dying anyway so it wasn't a great loss.
What is my grade? I will actually give this one a B+. I know, that seems very high doesn't it, especially for a show that I barely gave a damn about and only halfway paid attention to while watching. But I will qualify this rating by saying that it definitely isn't for everyone. Here's the thing: I grew up watching a few British comedy shows, so I understand and appreciate their sense of humor. I get it. The shows are also filmed differently over there and you can definitely tell, so you might have to adjust to that. It's like that weird too-real-for-life HD thing but it's not actually HD. Sometimes it can look like it's filmed on a personal family camcorder. And even I'll admit that it took me quite a while to start paying attention to this show in any meaningful way. But with that said, I enjoyed the acting performances from most of the Brits and Americans. A lot of the humor is more shake-your-head-worthy than LOL but you might still get a few good chuckles. But the plot does keep you on your toes and plays all the contrivances very tongue and cheek like most British humor. They know it's ridiculous and aren't ashamed of it, which is what makes it so fun. It's a love story about family and revenge... and the apocalypse. In this day and age of everyone talking about the end of the world, what more could you want?
Should you be watching? Well, that's the question, isn't it. Unlike Second Chance or The Family, I feel as if this series was far more of an event series than anything ready-made for a second go-around. I have trouble seeing it coming back for a second season and still maintaining all the wackiness that made the first season so enthralling. Yes, they can be trapped in the bunker while the world doesn't end or they could get out of the bunker during an apocalypse that actually isn't that bad, but I can't think of how they'd make it as entertaining, so I can't recommend you watch it in hopes of having a second season, especially since the ending can be interpreted somewhat as a cliffhanger. But if you watch it solely as an event series, a miniseries that told a nice little story and is contained in those ten episodes, you might enjoy it. You can find it currently on NBC OnDemand on most cable and satellite providers, as well as on NBC.com and probably on Hulu very soon. Just don't expect it to return to the airwaves anytime soon.
What do you think? Did you see You, Me and The Apocalypse? If so, what did you think? Was it funny with its British humor sensibilities or did you not like it as an American viewer? Or did you think the whole thing was contrived and cliche and you hated it? Or did you not see it at all? If not, do you think you'll take a look now? Let me know in the comments below (hint: click the no comments button if you see no comments).
Check out my new 5-star comedy novel, Yep, I'm Totally Stalking My Ex-Boyfriend . #AhStalkingIf you’re looking for a scare, check the YA novel #AFuriousWind, the NA novel #DARKER, #BrandNewHome or the bizarre horror #ThePowerOfTen. For those interested in something a little more dramatic and adult, check out #TheWriter. The full first season is out NOW exclusively on Amazon; season 2 coming this summer. If you like fast action/crime check out #ADangerousLow. The sequel A New Low will be out in a few months. Join us on Goodreads to talk about books and TV, and subscribe to and follow my blog with that Google+ button to the right.
Until next time, "So, I had a revelation last night."'Oh yeah?'"Yep. God spoke to me."'What'd he say?'"He told me to stop being an ass about things."'God knows his stuff.'
P.S. No, that doesn't just go for religious people. That goes for everybody. Chill out, people. Sometimes, it's not the end of the world if you don't get your way. Speaking of which, why am I not more popular by now? Get on that, people! I'll think of a better sign-off next time.
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April 9, 2016
That's All Folks... For Now #AmericanIdol #IdolFinale #Series Finale #EndOfAnEra #FOX
That's All Folks... For Now #AmericanIdol #IdolFinale #Series Finale #EndOfAnEra #FOX
All pictures courtesy of FOX unless otherwise noted
Well, it finally happened. The thing many people thought might never occur happened on Thursday night, April 7, 2016. That was the day that music, uh... not died but retired from competition. OK, that wasn't a good metaphor. Wait, did that qualify as a metaphor at all? Hm? As a writer, I'm quite confused. Let's just move away from grammar semantics and get on with the review, shall we.
Finally (and sadly) after 15 seasons of hopefuls, 15 seasons of cheers, 15 seasons of pitchy notes and questionable runs, 15 seasons of people who couldn't sing and people who could literally sing the phone book, 15 seasons of crowning musical achievements, FOX's American Idol has come to an end. To say that an era has ended is an understatement, but it is also the most apt and direct words for the series finale of a show that had at its outset become an American phenomenon. Hundreds of hours, more viewers than the broadcast network had ever seen and millions of fangirls and boys fostered a show for over a decade, one many people doubted could even make an impact in the TV landscape when it first premiered back in 2002. To honor Idol the network went with a full three night slate beginning on Tuesday with an hour and a half special focused on the history of Idol. And so too, we begin there.
Remembering the early days of Idol served as a time warp into a past that seems so distant now that it is hard to believe a show like this ever existed before immediate fan reaction similar to what we get off Facebook, Twitter, Youtube and the like. We're talking a time in which the internet was still on the expanse in many homes across America and certainly wasn't the center of our lives that many people both young and old find it to be today. There, in the digital quiet post-911 world the country looked for something new and heart-warming around which to galvanize. After the overwhelming success of many broadcast networks in the 90s, the networks began to look elsewhere for the next great boom of television programming. The family sitcom boom was coming to an end and adult comedies like Seinfeld and Friends were either already gone or on their way out. But, more importantly, with the success of HBO's prison drama Oz quickly followed by the ratings-blister of The Sopranos, networks slowly realized that they'd soon have unprecedented competition from cable networks. To keep viewers and turn a profit, they'd have to shift their paradigms and seek out newer ways to entertain. In came the reality competition.
Not that American Idol was the first, it did capitalize on a coming revolution of viewer/fan interaction at every level of the competition. A successful British show, Pop Idol used the same format to streamline singers into the changing music industry. When bringing the show to American TV, they kept the format but knew they'd have to make some changes in order to make it fit. One of the things not addressed in the 90-minute trip down memory lane was the religious backlash to the very name of the show. American Idol was seen as an affront to many religions, especially Christianity; a sacrilege that encouraged the worship of false idols. This, coupled with the feeling that it amounted to another Star Search ripoff--a show that had long seen its heyday and faded into pop culture annals--fostered hate in many minds before it aired one episode. Its back already against the wall, FOX dared treat it worse by scheduling it as a summer show, once the death-knell for many series. Historically, summer shows garnered fewer viewers as people busied themselves with outdoor activities, parties, and actually living away from things like computer and cellphone screens. Just imagine, a day and age where people actually went and visited each other to talk rather than texting, tweeting, or Skyping their close ones (both in relationship and proximity).
An abbreviated season much like this final season, many people didn't even tune in to the competition until later rounds when the show gained notoriety for its few celebrity followers. Even I didn't tune in until only six contestants remained. But by the time Justin Guarini and Kelly Clarkson stood on the finale stage together, FOX knew it had a hit on its hands as millions watched the first American Idol be crowned. From then on, people would tune in season after season in hopes of recapturing their own "Moment Like This" celebration.
Just as most writers and readers will tell you, a good story is nothing without great characters. And while the Idol hopefuls changed with each season, the people more and more viewers began to tune in for sat behind a table and voiced listener's truth. Originally questioned as a liability, Simon Cowell's truthful British bite and ascorbic attitude drew nearly as many people as the talented singers. Viewers watched to see what Simon would say either to the would-be Idols or to his fellow judges Randy Jackson and Paula Abdul who often disagreed with him. Paula brought a light to the judges' table that was desperately needed when crushing the dreams of fellow Americans. Randy brought a comedic flair and lightheartedness to the panel that could both deliver the truth while being gentle to those who believed they had talent. This blend of personalities helped to propel the show to what it was even when the talent was questionable at times.
Despite Randy's best efforts, none of them could last as long as host Ryan Seacrest who served as the sole host for 14 of the 15 seasons. Going from a once barely known radio host to a media mogul, he's established a brand that reaches far beyond Idol. Under his RSP production company he serves as producer on Keeping Up With the Kardashians, Shahs of Sunset and the recent NBC hit, Shades of Blue. He is now just as synonymous with American Idol as anyone and has seen the coming and going of multiple judges and changes in the format. One thing always remained the same: people tuned in weekly for the story of someone's rise to success as a star was born.
With a very abbreviated season that saw the live shows of American Idol condensed down to one episode a week, the 15th season of Idol came down to three artists which narrowed even farther on Wednesday night's live performance. Left were Mississippi country boy Trent Harmon whose perfectly tamed falsetto made young girls across America swoon; and La'Porsha Renae, the single mother survivor with a big voice and even bigger hair. While I thought the performances were good, I didn't like Trent's song and future first single. I actually thought it felt too old school and not what I would see as his brand. Even more to the point, I don't see him as being a country music artist as some of the people on the show have suggested. Instead, I think he would do much better as a pop artist in the same vein as Justin Timberlake, Charlie Puth, or even a much better Justin Bieber. His voice lends itself better to pop (maybe a Taylor Swift brand of Country Pop) especially with his masterful use of falsetto. I thought La'Porsha's song was better suited for her and sounded more current but it still lacked a certain vibrance that other first songs from potential Idol winners had. Of course nothing was ever more suitable for any of the potential winners than Kelly Clarkson's "A Moment Like This," but I digress.
Performing three times, they also re-performed a past song from weeks prior--Trent choosing Sia's "Chandelier" and La'Porsha choosing "Diamonds"--as well as a song chosen specifically by the exec producer. They saddled Trent with Rod Stewart's "If You Don't Know Me By Now" and La'Porsha with Dionne Warwick's version of "A House Is Not A Home", neither of which blew me away. In some ways, I feel that the performances on Wednesday weren't as good maybe because of the overwhelming moment of this being the finale. The air felt drained from the contestants as everyone geared up for the massive concert that was Thursday's finale.
And boy what a finale it was. Everybody and they momma showed up for this thing. We opened not with a performance but with a quick speech from President Obama on the virtues of voting and how if people can be moved to vote for their favored American Idol, then they should be able and eager to do the same thing when it comes time to vote in November for president. Frankly, if voting for president was as simple as calling or texting or tweeting in for the next American Idol, I could see more people exercising their given right. Unfortunately it ain't and we'll still get plenty of people who won't vote for whatever reason.Then came the real show. It started with the two finalists singing onstage together and slowly widened to reveal all of the top ten from the season before taking in a panoramic shot of the entire stage that would see dozens upon dozens of past competitors from the top ten flooding the stage to unite as one huge Idol choir dressed in all white like angels or psych ward patients. From there, we knew we were in for a huge night packed with big returns and nostalgia galore.
Look, Ryan, I got a haircut. First came the callback to the also-ran, long-suffering, once co-host Brian Dunkelman who, in the most awkward part of the night, came out to make a joke about how Seacrest and Idol have sputtered along without him for the last 14 seasons. The crowd's reaction was more mixed than Barack Obama as it seemed that some people in the crowd took it almost as a slight to the show rather than a cute, chuckle-inducing joke about the show's success. This even elicited Seacrest to give his rival a pity clap to gen up applause and laughter for Dunkelman's appearance. Listen, I wanted him to come back and expected it to be a little awkward, but that was downright cringe-worthy. After having seen the transformation from frosted tip Abercrombie and Fitch heaven to subdued but suave, rich 40-something that Seacrest underwent during his years, it was a little sad to see Dunkelman appear as if he had essentially just stepped out of a time machine that brought him to the future and added a few pounds. Virtually the same hair, the same sense of humor, the same bargain-warehouse suit and, even worse, the same sense of "I don't really belong nor want to be here" that he had in the first season played out like a reunion between you and that one friend you had in high school that you only now realize was weird as hell and wasn't really a friend.
With those few minutes out of the way, Dunkelman took his rightful seat down in the audience where he stayed quiet for the remainder of the night as more performances began. Nearly every past judge performed on the show, videoed in or appeared just to say high with the exception of Mariah Carey (I think. I might have missed her as I did have a bathroom break). Kara Dioguardi performed a Pink hit with Jordin Sparks and another Idol alum singing backup for her. Keith Urban performed a duet with Carrie Underwood that was a rock country mix. Harry Connick Jr. performed the old classic "What a Wonderful World" with a young girl from New Orleans in an effort to remember the influence that Idol Gives Back had on natural disasters like Hurricane Katrina. In one of the most show-stopping performances of the night, Jennifer Lopez performed her new song "Ain't Ya Mama" while giving us all the ass we could ever hope for in what served partially as a sneak peek at her Vegas show. Ellen, Steven Tyler and Nicki Minaj all videoed in their memories of being on the show and how they enjoyed the experience. Lastly, Randy and Paula emerged onto the stage to give Ryan a gift as the only one to make it from the first episode to the last. Yes, another strange moment, they gifted him the big American Idol neon light sign. Yep, the one that lights up and takes more than half a dozen people to cart around. Honestly, if I was Ryan I don't know what I'd do with that thing. I might be so inclined as to actually keep it as it is the symbol of the one thing that changed my life forever.
The biggest will he/won't he pseudo-surprise (TMZ ruined it a day earlier) came when Simon snuck up from behind to surprise Ryan. Paula not the only one who had a tumultuous relationship with Cowell, Ryan also sparred back and forth with the Brit many a-times during the show, while forming a long-lasting bond outside of the lights and the stage. Returning cloaked in gray both in his suit color and his scruffy beard, Simon gave us all one last look at that beautiful man-cleavage before he makes his triumphant return to judging this summer on America's Got Talent. They chuckled and laughed about the good ol' times before Paula left, then Simon the following year, and reminded us of how great the chemistry was between them before the band broke up.
And as an aside to the evening highlighting why the show became such a huge success, they not only showed a montage of some of the less than stellar contestants, but ended said montage with a live performance of "She Bangs" by none other than the now-married William Hung, proving that the good singers weren't the only ones to bolster the show's viewership.
The Three DivasBut the night ultimately belonged to the myriad of contestants both past and present who performed in the 2+ hours of the broadcast. We saw a return of season three's 3 divas with a performance from Fantasia, Jennifer Hudson and the oft-forgotten third diva Latoya London who looked and sounded just as good now as she did back then. We also saw a return from Bo Bice, the runner-up rocker to Carrie Underwood's Idol win who looked far different now than what he did before (hair cut and proper like an office worker). He, along with other rocker notables such as Chris Daughtry, Constantine and Caleb Johnson (and a few more) took the stage to perform a rock medley unlike ever seen before.
Rock Out! Many of the country singers they had pass through the ranks including Scotty McCreery, Kellie Pickler and Lauren Alaina came out for a hootin' tootin' hoedown-esque line dancing hit.
A Serious Country Throwdown
And pretty much every white guy with a guitar that had ever stood on stage and sung his way not just into the top ten but often to the crown of American Idol showed up in a medley of songs that spanned their genres from country to rock, including Phillip Phillips, Lee Dewyze, David Cook and Kris Allen.
All The White Guys With Guitars You Could Ever Hope For
Unfortunately, there were no other big genres that had their own play at the show as much of the other stars appearances came in a hodgepodge of music that took us from girls singing about having a crush on another woman because that woman reminds her of a man, to slow music talking about hope and belief to a Diva-filled choral recall back to Whitney Houston's rendition of "Joy to the World." Between Lopez's striptease and Colton's praise be to God song, the night took us from the strip club to church on Christmas morning and back again.
Both Jessica Sanchez and Joshua Ledet emerged from their youtube channels to remind us all that even though Phillip Phillips is good ("Home" was my 2012 Olympics jam!) it should have come down to the two singers who could really blow. Why the hell aren't they being played all over the radio right now? Jordin Sparks came and gave us as much body as we could ever handle in a black pants suit, and that was before Lopez came on stage. She sang a duet of her hit song "No Air" with Justin Guarini who reminded us all that he was not only still alive but that he could do something other than hock the sweet taste of Diet Dr. Pepper (it's the sweet one!).
Ruben also sang a duet with Amber Holcomb. Candice Glover made an appearance in one song, and so did Clay Aiken who was iffy about coming back after bad-mouthing the show earlier in the season. Katharine McPhee performed, adding to her Idol finale season performance haul, and Kelly Clarkson who couldn't be there live because she was popping out a tiny human of her own, had a pre-recorded video of her performing a medley of her hits taped weeks back when she guest-judged. Even Taylor Hicks showed up in what had to be the brightest, most Downsouth-Black-man Easter Sunday Church suit jacket I've ever seen a white man not named Craig Sager wear.
Both Diana Degarmo and her new husband Ace Young performed and boy does it look like marriage suits them well. Pia Toscano came out to remind us that yes, she can really sing, too. An embarrassment of riches, they had tons of past contestants singing and dancing and even had room to bring back another notable comic relief contestant, the famous old black guy who auditioned with his original song "Pants On The Ground." Of course they had room for last season's winner Nick Fradiani, as well as Melinda Doolittle, Kree Harrison and Carly Smithson. They literally had everyone who had ever performed on the stage, on the stage... except for Sanjaya.
In probably the funniest and most awkward presence of the night (I say presence because I don't know what else to call it), Sanjaya was shown repeatedly sitting in the audience with a plain purple shirt enjoying the festivities. Probably the only idol there who didn't hop on stage in the multiple showcases throughout the night, I'm half-certain he didn't perform in the opening number with all of them in white. In fact, the producers seemed so ticked by his presence that they didn't even talk to him as he sat in a visible sight-line for the cameras. He put his hair up into a strange rubber-banded faux-hawk which I'm sure the people sitting behind him enjoyed all night. Maybe residual hatred for him being at the center of the Idol scandal that, in my opinion, ultimately brought the show down still lingered?
See my purple shirt? What About my faux-hawk. Sanjaya!
For those that don't remember, Sanjaya did terribly in the live shows and was repeatedly told by Simon that he couldn't sing (in some cases even questioning why they put him through from Hollywood week). By a certain round, he had not only stayed while other far more worthy singers went home, but seemed to give up trying to be anything other than a joke. It was highly publicized then that it had become viral for people who hated the show to try voting the worst singer to the ultimate throne in an attempt to kill the show (because the world, no matter how hard we try to be nice, is still filled with careless donkeys). After that, not only did viewership go down, but the judges started to exit and the infamous trend known as White Guy With a Guitar began to dominate the show, causing even more viewers to exit. Seeing Sanjaya was actually kind of sad, but also hilarious as it captured in one great image just why the show both got to be so popular and why it ultimately has come to its death: the influence of viewers is a double-edged sword.
Yes, Justin Guarini is at the end there. In all, this was the absolute best that Idol had to offer. With the exception of a few fan favorites missing from action (Adam Lambert couldn't be there as he was filming something in Canada I believe; hey, everybody from the show isn't still in music or famous) you can't really ask for a better send-off for a show that reshaped American culture and spawned countless copycats (yes, I'm looking at you The Voice and defunct The X-factor).
Oh wait! Before we wrap up, what about the winner. Well, the final winner of American Idol the farewell season, between La'Porsha and Trent was....................... Trent Harmon. That's right, the country boy with the smooth falsetto came back to be the final White Guy With a Guitar that the show would see, book-ending the show with a white male to go along with the white female that won the first season, proving just what we all knew: America loves white people. Oh, don't get your panties in a bunch Caucasians, if you gasped in horror instead of laughing at that joke, you're more uptight than any Black Lives Matter protester could ever suspect. No, I'm not saying nor implying that this was a judgment based on race. To the contrary, I thought Trent was quite good and it might surprise you that two out of my top four choices from Hollywood week made it to the top two and all made it to the top fourteen: La'Porsha, Trent, Thomas Stringfellow and I really wanted Sonika Vaid to make it to the top three (that was my young woman crush of the season).
Congratulations Trent Harmon
Just as good of a winner as any, Trent sobbed and pulled it together to perform, extolling the virtues of hard work in the process. His whimper of "I've worked so hard and I never wanted to take this for granted, my gift for granted. I just always wanted to try to use it as best I could," (paraphrased) was ultimately what Idol was all about. Idol, for all of its faults and low seasons, for all of its bad and stereotypical winners, for every singer that we just knew was going to win and lost, and every talentless belter that made it through to the judges, was always about people pushing through, fighting, struggling and achieving the best success they could imagine. It was about the use of a gift, God-given or otherwise, that allowed others to feel, to emote and entertained millions. Idol encapsulated the spirit of determination that all of us both young and old seek to have when chasing after a dream. Taking us on a journey that started at a stage where hope and some talent was all one had (and not everyone was even sure about that talent) to the heights of stardom where millions of people get exposed to your gift and all the work in-between, Idol made for amazing family TV that made even the most ardent pessimist believe, even for a second, that anything was possible, so long as you're willing to dedicate your all to it.
In many ways, as I struggle through this year and try to figure out if I should continue to try to write and pursue my dreams or not (a dream I once had before it was taken from me), I often find myself more than ever searching for nuggets of hope such as Idol gave for 14 years. It is not easy to create something for entertainment of another, whether that be a song, a performance, the written word or any visual art. It is even more difficult to get someone to believe in that which you've created, to find the people who will bolster your belief in your own talents before you end up giving up. But the hardest and most difficult thing of all is to try deciphering not only if you actually do have the talent you think you do, but if you're using it right, pushing yourself hard enough, working diligently to perfect such a craft. In a world so scarce of true validation, to search for it from outside of one's self is often laughed at or brushed off in any form. A single, small, infantile wish to want, to seek, to become, to use what you think can change the world can become a sufferance so few are willing and able to bear, some never achieving that elusive dream, some not working hard enough, some just not lucky enough. But when someone, anyone breaks through the struggle to earn such accolades, after we've seen the suffering, the heartache, the sickness, the pain, it helps us all to breathe, to laugh and to be proud that at least someone made it. It helps to know that hard work and determination are still appreciated and can still accomplish great things in a time where fame, prestige and accolades are so easily given away to the latest fad.
The Face Of Hope For Even In Losing You're On Your Way To A Big Win
With that said, yes, La'Porsha will also get her own recording contract, though she won't get nearly as much money as Trent will his first time out. Fret not Afro-wig fans (no way in hell La'Porsha was ever gonna convince me or anybody else that that was her real hair. Not believing it) for plenty of non-Idol winners have gone on to have bigger careers than some of the winners themselves. It'll take a lot more hard work, determination and rubbing elbows with the right people but she can make it. Hell, if you're on the Idol stage, you're already halfway there.
And to end this overly long post (I really didn't intend on covering the Idol history but what the heck!), we've gotta speculate the hell outta that last comment from Ryan Seacrest. This dude straight Marvel-movied us with his post-credits comment. Like, how are you gonna sneak in a twist ending in the final seconds of the series finale. "...For now." This man made me immediately think of the too-damn-catchy Justin Bieber song "What Do You mean?" No joke, I stayed up an hour past my usual bed time replaying that scene half-dreaming of Justin Bieber materializing from the confetti to sing that refrain. Matter o' fact, writin' about it now got me thinkin' about it again. Damn! Seacrest got me thinkin' Idol is planning a Jay-Z style comeback. The show is not gonna stay gone for four years or so then return like it never left, is it? Idol not runnin' off to play Major League Baseball for a season before it come back and win three more championships, is it? Idol ain't about to Jay Leno us and come back with the same exact show but 90 minutes earlier every night, is it? I don't know. It's very suspicious.
And So The Lights Go Out
OK, I've gotta get outta here. I've wasted enough of your time. What did you think? Did you watch the American Idol series finale? Was I wrong and you actually did see Sanjaya up there singing at one point? Don't call me out for not listing everybody who was there, I know I missed some people and I'm sorry if that contestant was your favorite. How many of those people do you think are still singing as their primary profession? And what, if anything, did you think the show was missing? Let me know in the comments below (hint: click the no comments button if you see no comments).
Check out my new 5-star comedy novel, Yep, I'm Totally Stalking My Ex-Boyfriend . #AhStalkingIf you’re looking for a scare, check the YA novel #AFuriousWind, the NA novel #DARKER, #BrandNewHome or the bizarre horror #ThePowerOfTen. For those interested in something a little more dramatic and adult, check out #TheWriter. The full first season is out NOW exclusively on Amazon; season 2 coming this summer. If you like fast action/crime check out #ADangerousLow. The sequel A New Low will be out in a few months. Join us on Goodreads to talk about books and TV, and subscribe to and follow my blog with that Google+ button to the right.
Until next time, "Some people wait a lifetime for a moment--"'Sorry, Kelly, but we're gonna try finishing these live shows up in about one month, so if you could just hurry it up! Thanks!'
P.S. Listen, I'm not trying to complain and I know that the show's ratings weren't stellar this year but really? Y'all had the auditioning process last for two months, two days each week, but you cut the live shows to four or five episodes? That's like having to bury your favorite loved one in a suit that's too small with a funeral that lasts for only 10 minutes because you gotta be outta the church so the Glory dancers can have their meeting. It's just wrong.
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All pictures courtesy of FOX unless otherwise noted Well, it finally happened. The thing many people thought might never occur happened on Thursday night, April 7, 2016. That was the day that music, uh... not died but retired from competition. OK, that wasn't a good metaphor. Wait, did that qualify as a metaphor at all? Hm? As a writer, I'm quite confused. Let's just move away from grammar semantics and get on with the review, shall we.
Finally (and sadly) after 15 seasons of hopefuls, 15 seasons of cheers, 15 seasons of pitchy notes and questionable runs, 15 seasons of people who couldn't sing and people who could literally sing the phone book, 15 seasons of crowning musical achievements, FOX's American Idol has come to an end. To say that an era has ended is an understatement, but it is also the most apt and direct words for the series finale of a show that had at its outset become an American phenomenon. Hundreds of hours, more viewers than the broadcast network had ever seen and millions of fangirls and boys fostered a show for over a decade, one many people doubted could even make an impact in the TV landscape when it first premiered back in 2002. To honor Idol the network went with a full three night slate beginning on Tuesday with an hour and a half special focused on the history of Idol. And so too, we begin there.
Remembering the early days of Idol served as a time warp into a past that seems so distant now that it is hard to believe a show like this ever existed before immediate fan reaction similar to what we get off Facebook, Twitter, Youtube and the like. We're talking a time in which the internet was still on the expanse in many homes across America and certainly wasn't the center of our lives that many people both young and old find it to be today. There, in the digital quiet post-911 world the country looked for something new and heart-warming around which to galvanize. After the overwhelming success of many broadcast networks in the 90s, the networks began to look elsewhere for the next great boom of television programming. The family sitcom boom was coming to an end and adult comedies like Seinfeld and Friends were either already gone or on their way out. But, more importantly, with the success of HBO's prison drama Oz quickly followed by the ratings-blister of The Sopranos, networks slowly realized that they'd soon have unprecedented competition from cable networks. To keep viewers and turn a profit, they'd have to shift their paradigms and seek out newer ways to entertain. In came the reality competition.
Not that American Idol was the first, it did capitalize on a coming revolution of viewer/fan interaction at every level of the competition. A successful British show, Pop Idol used the same format to streamline singers into the changing music industry. When bringing the show to American TV, they kept the format but knew they'd have to make some changes in order to make it fit. One of the things not addressed in the 90-minute trip down memory lane was the religious backlash to the very name of the show. American Idol was seen as an affront to many religions, especially Christianity; a sacrilege that encouraged the worship of false idols. This, coupled with the feeling that it amounted to another Star Search ripoff--a show that had long seen its heyday and faded into pop culture annals--fostered hate in many minds before it aired one episode. Its back already against the wall, FOX dared treat it worse by scheduling it as a summer show, once the death-knell for many series. Historically, summer shows garnered fewer viewers as people busied themselves with outdoor activities, parties, and actually living away from things like computer and cellphone screens. Just imagine, a day and age where people actually went and visited each other to talk rather than texting, tweeting, or Skyping their close ones (both in relationship and proximity).
An abbreviated season much like this final season, many people didn't even tune in to the competition until later rounds when the show gained notoriety for its few celebrity followers. Even I didn't tune in until only six contestants remained. But by the time Justin Guarini and Kelly Clarkson stood on the finale stage together, FOX knew it had a hit on its hands as millions watched the first American Idol be crowned. From then on, people would tune in season after season in hopes of recapturing their own "Moment Like This" celebration.Just as most writers and readers will tell you, a good story is nothing without great characters. And while the Idol hopefuls changed with each season, the people more and more viewers began to tune in for sat behind a table and voiced listener's truth. Originally questioned as a liability, Simon Cowell's truthful British bite and ascorbic attitude drew nearly as many people as the talented singers. Viewers watched to see what Simon would say either to the would-be Idols or to his fellow judges Randy Jackson and Paula Abdul who often disagreed with him. Paula brought a light to the judges' table that was desperately needed when crushing the dreams of fellow Americans. Randy brought a comedic flair and lightheartedness to the panel that could both deliver the truth while being gentle to those who believed they had talent. This blend of personalities helped to propel the show to what it was even when the talent was questionable at times.
Despite Randy's best efforts, none of them could last as long as host Ryan Seacrest who served as the sole host for 14 of the 15 seasons. Going from a once barely known radio host to a media mogul, he's established a brand that reaches far beyond Idol. Under his RSP production company he serves as producer on Keeping Up With the Kardashians, Shahs of Sunset and the recent NBC hit, Shades of Blue. He is now just as synonymous with American Idol as anyone and has seen the coming and going of multiple judges and changes in the format. One thing always remained the same: people tuned in weekly for the story of someone's rise to success as a star was born.
With a very abbreviated season that saw the live shows of American Idol condensed down to one episode a week, the 15th season of Idol came down to three artists which narrowed even farther on Wednesday night's live performance. Left were Mississippi country boy Trent Harmon whose perfectly tamed falsetto made young girls across America swoon; and La'Porsha Renae, the single mother survivor with a big voice and even bigger hair. While I thought the performances were good, I didn't like Trent's song and future first single. I actually thought it felt too old school and not what I would see as his brand. Even more to the point, I don't see him as being a country music artist as some of the people on the show have suggested. Instead, I think he would do much better as a pop artist in the same vein as Justin Timberlake, Charlie Puth, or even a much better Justin Bieber. His voice lends itself better to pop (maybe a Taylor Swift brand of Country Pop) especially with his masterful use of falsetto. I thought La'Porsha's song was better suited for her and sounded more current but it still lacked a certain vibrance that other first songs from potential Idol winners had. Of course nothing was ever more suitable for any of the potential winners than Kelly Clarkson's "A Moment Like This," but I digress.
Performing three times, they also re-performed a past song from weeks prior--Trent choosing Sia's "Chandelier" and La'Porsha choosing "Diamonds"--as well as a song chosen specifically by the exec producer. They saddled Trent with Rod Stewart's "If You Don't Know Me By Now" and La'Porsha with Dionne Warwick's version of "A House Is Not A Home", neither of which blew me away. In some ways, I feel that the performances on Wednesday weren't as good maybe because of the overwhelming moment of this being the finale. The air felt drained from the contestants as everyone geared up for the massive concert that was Thursday's finale.
And boy what a finale it was. Everybody and they momma showed up for this thing. We opened not with a performance but with a quick speech from President Obama on the virtues of voting and how if people can be moved to vote for their favored American Idol, then they should be able and eager to do the same thing when it comes time to vote in November for president. Frankly, if voting for president was as simple as calling or texting or tweeting in for the next American Idol, I could see more people exercising their given right. Unfortunately it ain't and we'll still get plenty of people who won't vote for whatever reason.Then came the real show. It started with the two finalists singing onstage together and slowly widened to reveal all of the top ten from the season before taking in a panoramic shot of the entire stage that would see dozens upon dozens of past competitors from the top ten flooding the stage to unite as one huge Idol choir dressed in all white like angels or psych ward patients. From there, we knew we were in for a huge night packed with big returns and nostalgia galore.
Look, Ryan, I got a haircut. First came the callback to the also-ran, long-suffering, once co-host Brian Dunkelman who, in the most awkward part of the night, came out to make a joke about how Seacrest and Idol have sputtered along without him for the last 14 seasons. The crowd's reaction was more mixed than Barack Obama as it seemed that some people in the crowd took it almost as a slight to the show rather than a cute, chuckle-inducing joke about the show's success. This even elicited Seacrest to give his rival a pity clap to gen up applause and laughter for Dunkelman's appearance. Listen, I wanted him to come back and expected it to be a little awkward, but that was downright cringe-worthy. After having seen the transformation from frosted tip Abercrombie and Fitch heaven to subdued but suave, rich 40-something that Seacrest underwent during his years, it was a little sad to see Dunkelman appear as if he had essentially just stepped out of a time machine that brought him to the future and added a few pounds. Virtually the same hair, the same sense of humor, the same bargain-warehouse suit and, even worse, the same sense of "I don't really belong nor want to be here" that he had in the first season played out like a reunion between you and that one friend you had in high school that you only now realize was weird as hell and wasn't really a friend.
With those few minutes out of the way, Dunkelman took his rightful seat down in the audience where he stayed quiet for the remainder of the night as more performances began. Nearly every past judge performed on the show, videoed in or appeared just to say high with the exception of Mariah Carey (I think. I might have missed her as I did have a bathroom break). Kara Dioguardi performed a Pink hit with Jordin Sparks and another Idol alum singing backup for her. Keith Urban performed a duet with Carrie Underwood that was a rock country mix. Harry Connick Jr. performed the old classic "What a Wonderful World" with a young girl from New Orleans in an effort to remember the influence that Idol Gives Back had on natural disasters like Hurricane Katrina. In one of the most show-stopping performances of the night, Jennifer Lopez performed her new song "Ain't Ya Mama" while giving us all the ass we could ever hope for in what served partially as a sneak peek at her Vegas show. Ellen, Steven Tyler and Nicki Minaj all videoed in their memories of being on the show and how they enjoyed the experience. Lastly, Randy and Paula emerged onto the stage to give Ryan a gift as the only one to make it from the first episode to the last. Yes, another strange moment, they gifted him the big American Idol neon light sign. Yep, the one that lights up and takes more than half a dozen people to cart around. Honestly, if I was Ryan I don't know what I'd do with that thing. I might be so inclined as to actually keep it as it is the symbol of the one thing that changed my life forever.
The biggest will he/won't he pseudo-surprise (TMZ ruined it a day earlier) came when Simon snuck up from behind to surprise Ryan. Paula not the only one who had a tumultuous relationship with Cowell, Ryan also sparred back and forth with the Brit many a-times during the show, while forming a long-lasting bond outside of the lights and the stage. Returning cloaked in gray both in his suit color and his scruffy beard, Simon gave us all one last look at that beautiful man-cleavage before he makes his triumphant return to judging this summer on America's Got Talent. They chuckled and laughed about the good ol' times before Paula left, then Simon the following year, and reminded us of how great the chemistry was between them before the band broke up.
And as an aside to the evening highlighting why the show became such a huge success, they not only showed a montage of some of the less than stellar contestants, but ended said montage with a live performance of "She Bangs" by none other than the now-married William Hung, proving that the good singers weren't the only ones to bolster the show's viewership.
The Three DivasBut the night ultimately belonged to the myriad of contestants both past and present who performed in the 2+ hours of the broadcast. We saw a return of season three's 3 divas with a performance from Fantasia, Jennifer Hudson and the oft-forgotten third diva Latoya London who looked and sounded just as good now as she did back then. We also saw a return from Bo Bice, the runner-up rocker to Carrie Underwood's Idol win who looked far different now than what he did before (hair cut and proper like an office worker). He, along with other rocker notables such as Chris Daughtry, Constantine and Caleb Johnson (and a few more) took the stage to perform a rock medley unlike ever seen before.
Rock Out! Many of the country singers they had pass through the ranks including Scotty McCreery, Kellie Pickler and Lauren Alaina came out for a hootin' tootin' hoedown-esque line dancing hit. 
A Serious Country ThrowdownAnd pretty much every white guy with a guitar that had ever stood on stage and sung his way not just into the top ten but often to the crown of American Idol showed up in a medley of songs that spanned their genres from country to rock, including Phillip Phillips, Lee Dewyze, David Cook and Kris Allen.
All The White Guys With Guitars You Could Ever Hope ForUnfortunately, there were no other big genres that had their own play at the show as much of the other stars appearances came in a hodgepodge of music that took us from girls singing about having a crush on another woman because that woman reminds her of a man, to slow music talking about hope and belief to a Diva-filled choral recall back to Whitney Houston's rendition of "Joy to the World." Between Lopez's striptease and Colton's praise be to God song, the night took us from the strip club to church on Christmas morning and back again.
Both Jessica Sanchez and Joshua Ledet emerged from their youtube channels to remind us all that even though Phillip Phillips is good ("Home" was my 2012 Olympics jam!) it should have come down to the two singers who could really blow. Why the hell aren't they being played all over the radio right now? Jordin Sparks came and gave us as much body as we could ever handle in a black pants suit, and that was before Lopez came on stage. She sang a duet of her hit song "No Air" with Justin Guarini who reminded us all that he was not only still alive but that he could do something other than hock the sweet taste of Diet Dr. Pepper (it's the sweet one!).
Ruben also sang a duet with Amber Holcomb. Candice Glover made an appearance in one song, and so did Clay Aiken who was iffy about coming back after bad-mouthing the show earlier in the season. Katharine McPhee performed, adding to her Idol finale season performance haul, and Kelly Clarkson who couldn't be there live because she was popping out a tiny human of her own, had a pre-recorded video of her performing a medley of her hits taped weeks back when she guest-judged. Even Taylor Hicks showed up in what had to be the brightest, most Downsouth-Black-man Easter Sunday Church suit jacket I've ever seen a white man not named Craig Sager wear.
Both Diana Degarmo and her new husband Ace Young performed and boy does it look like marriage suits them well. Pia Toscano came out to remind us that yes, she can really sing, too. An embarrassment of riches, they had tons of past contestants singing and dancing and even had room to bring back another notable comic relief contestant, the famous old black guy who auditioned with his original song "Pants On The Ground." Of course they had room for last season's winner Nick Fradiani, as well as Melinda Doolittle, Kree Harrison and Carly Smithson. They literally had everyone who had ever performed on the stage, on the stage... except for Sanjaya.In probably the funniest and most awkward presence of the night (I say presence because I don't know what else to call it), Sanjaya was shown repeatedly sitting in the audience with a plain purple shirt enjoying the festivities. Probably the only idol there who didn't hop on stage in the multiple showcases throughout the night, I'm half-certain he didn't perform in the opening number with all of them in white. In fact, the producers seemed so ticked by his presence that they didn't even talk to him as he sat in a visible sight-line for the cameras. He put his hair up into a strange rubber-banded faux-hawk which I'm sure the people sitting behind him enjoyed all night. Maybe residual hatred for him being at the center of the Idol scandal that, in my opinion, ultimately brought the show down still lingered?
See my purple shirt? What About my faux-hawk. Sanjaya! For those that don't remember, Sanjaya did terribly in the live shows and was repeatedly told by Simon that he couldn't sing (in some cases even questioning why they put him through from Hollywood week). By a certain round, he had not only stayed while other far more worthy singers went home, but seemed to give up trying to be anything other than a joke. It was highly publicized then that it had become viral for people who hated the show to try voting the worst singer to the ultimate throne in an attempt to kill the show (because the world, no matter how hard we try to be nice, is still filled with careless donkeys). After that, not only did viewership go down, but the judges started to exit and the infamous trend known as White Guy With a Guitar began to dominate the show, causing even more viewers to exit. Seeing Sanjaya was actually kind of sad, but also hilarious as it captured in one great image just why the show both got to be so popular and why it ultimately has come to its death: the influence of viewers is a double-edged sword.
Yes, Justin Guarini is at the end there. In all, this was the absolute best that Idol had to offer. With the exception of a few fan favorites missing from action (Adam Lambert couldn't be there as he was filming something in Canada I believe; hey, everybody from the show isn't still in music or famous) you can't really ask for a better send-off for a show that reshaped American culture and spawned countless copycats (yes, I'm looking at you The Voice and defunct The X-factor).Oh wait! Before we wrap up, what about the winner. Well, the final winner of American Idol the farewell season, between La'Porsha and Trent was....................... Trent Harmon. That's right, the country boy with the smooth falsetto came back to be the final White Guy With a Guitar that the show would see, book-ending the show with a white male to go along with the white female that won the first season, proving just what we all knew: America loves white people. Oh, don't get your panties in a bunch Caucasians, if you gasped in horror instead of laughing at that joke, you're more uptight than any Black Lives Matter protester could ever suspect. No, I'm not saying nor implying that this was a judgment based on race. To the contrary, I thought Trent was quite good and it might surprise you that two out of my top four choices from Hollywood week made it to the top two and all made it to the top fourteen: La'Porsha, Trent, Thomas Stringfellow and I really wanted Sonika Vaid to make it to the top three (that was my young woman crush of the season).
Congratulations Trent HarmonJust as good of a winner as any, Trent sobbed and pulled it together to perform, extolling the virtues of hard work in the process. His whimper of "I've worked so hard and I never wanted to take this for granted, my gift for granted. I just always wanted to try to use it as best I could," (paraphrased) was ultimately what Idol was all about. Idol, for all of its faults and low seasons, for all of its bad and stereotypical winners, for every singer that we just knew was going to win and lost, and every talentless belter that made it through to the judges, was always about people pushing through, fighting, struggling and achieving the best success they could imagine. It was about the use of a gift, God-given or otherwise, that allowed others to feel, to emote and entertained millions. Idol encapsulated the spirit of determination that all of us both young and old seek to have when chasing after a dream. Taking us on a journey that started at a stage where hope and some talent was all one had (and not everyone was even sure about that talent) to the heights of stardom where millions of people get exposed to your gift and all the work in-between, Idol made for amazing family TV that made even the most ardent pessimist believe, even for a second, that anything was possible, so long as you're willing to dedicate your all to it.
In many ways, as I struggle through this year and try to figure out if I should continue to try to write and pursue my dreams or not (a dream I once had before it was taken from me), I often find myself more than ever searching for nuggets of hope such as Idol gave for 14 years. It is not easy to create something for entertainment of another, whether that be a song, a performance, the written word or any visual art. It is even more difficult to get someone to believe in that which you've created, to find the people who will bolster your belief in your own talents before you end up giving up. But the hardest and most difficult thing of all is to try deciphering not only if you actually do have the talent you think you do, but if you're using it right, pushing yourself hard enough, working diligently to perfect such a craft. In a world so scarce of true validation, to search for it from outside of one's self is often laughed at or brushed off in any form. A single, small, infantile wish to want, to seek, to become, to use what you think can change the world can become a sufferance so few are willing and able to bear, some never achieving that elusive dream, some not working hard enough, some just not lucky enough. But when someone, anyone breaks through the struggle to earn such accolades, after we've seen the suffering, the heartache, the sickness, the pain, it helps us all to breathe, to laugh and to be proud that at least someone made it. It helps to know that hard work and determination are still appreciated and can still accomplish great things in a time where fame, prestige and accolades are so easily given away to the latest fad.
The Face Of Hope For Even In Losing You're On Your Way To A Big WinWith that said, yes, La'Porsha will also get her own recording contract, though she won't get nearly as much money as Trent will his first time out. Fret not Afro-wig fans (no way in hell La'Porsha was ever gonna convince me or anybody else that that was her real hair. Not believing it) for plenty of non-Idol winners have gone on to have bigger careers than some of the winners themselves. It'll take a lot more hard work, determination and rubbing elbows with the right people but she can make it. Hell, if you're on the Idol stage, you're already halfway there.
And to end this overly long post (I really didn't intend on covering the Idol history but what the heck!), we've gotta speculate the hell outta that last comment from Ryan Seacrest. This dude straight Marvel-movied us with his post-credits comment. Like, how are you gonna sneak in a twist ending in the final seconds of the series finale. "...For now." This man made me immediately think of the too-damn-catchy Justin Bieber song "What Do You mean?" No joke, I stayed up an hour past my usual bed time replaying that scene half-dreaming of Justin Bieber materializing from the confetti to sing that refrain. Matter o' fact, writin' about it now got me thinkin' about it again. Damn! Seacrest got me thinkin' Idol is planning a Jay-Z style comeback. The show is not gonna stay gone for four years or so then return like it never left, is it? Idol not runnin' off to play Major League Baseball for a season before it come back and win three more championships, is it? Idol ain't about to Jay Leno us and come back with the same exact show but 90 minutes earlier every night, is it? I don't know. It's very suspicious.
And So The Lights Go Out OK, I've gotta get outta here. I've wasted enough of your time. What did you think? Did you watch the American Idol series finale? Was I wrong and you actually did see Sanjaya up there singing at one point? Don't call me out for not listing everybody who was there, I know I missed some people and I'm sorry if that contestant was your favorite. How many of those people do you think are still singing as their primary profession? And what, if anything, did you think the show was missing? Let me know in the comments below (hint: click the no comments button if you see no comments).
Check out my new 5-star comedy novel, Yep, I'm Totally Stalking My Ex-Boyfriend . #AhStalkingIf you’re looking for a scare, check the YA novel #AFuriousWind, the NA novel #DARKER, #BrandNewHome or the bizarre horror #ThePowerOfTen. For those interested in something a little more dramatic and adult, check out #TheWriter. The full first season is out NOW exclusively on Amazon; season 2 coming this summer. If you like fast action/crime check out #ADangerousLow. The sequel A New Low will be out in a few months. Join us on Goodreads to talk about books and TV, and subscribe to and follow my blog with that Google+ button to the right.
Until next time, "Some people wait a lifetime for a moment--"'Sorry, Kelly, but we're gonna try finishing these live shows up in about one month, so if you could just hurry it up! Thanks!'
P.S. Listen, I'm not trying to complain and I know that the show's ratings weren't stellar this year but really? Y'all had the auditioning process last for two months, two days each week, but you cut the live shows to four or five episodes? That's like having to bury your favorite loved one in a suit that's too small with a funeral that lasts for only 10 minutes because you gotta be outta the church so the Glory dancers can have their meeting. It's just wrong.
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April 8, 2016
Is It 1994 Again? Why The Hell Is Everybody So Obsessed With OJ? Postmortem Review: American Crime Story Season One #AmericanCrimeStory #PeoplevsOJSimpson #FX #Postmortem
Is It 1994 Again? Why The Hell Is Everybody So Obsessed With OJ? Postmortem Review: American Crime Story Season One #AmericanCrimeStory #ThePeoplevOJSimpson #FX #Postmortem
All pictures courtesy of FX unless otherwise noted
That's right, ladies and gentlemen. I'm back with yet another postmortem send-up of a show that I failed to do a 3 week roundup on. As said before but bears repeating, I was so busy earlier in the year that I was unable to get to do all of my reviews for all the many mid-season shows that premiered from January to February. I am trying to catch up as I finish a project (writing sequels is hard, dudes and dudettes) and have a one week lull before I start work on The Writer (#TheWriter) season 2. But before all of that summer craziness hits, lets look at one of the best shows of the winter mid-season addition, American Crime Story: The People vs. OJ Simpson (#ThePeoplev-OJSimpson).
The gossip-worthy, salacious tabloid fodder that captivated the world returned 22 years after first shifting the American paradigm of journalism, sensationalism and the modern celebrity. For those who lived through this news (which is probably most of the shows viewers) the chase, legal accusation and trial of OJ Simpson AKA The Juice man AKA Juice transcended categorical barriers that long tried to pin celebrities into being just one or two things. It called into question our nation's racial animosities and maturity on the subject of hate, prejudice and bigotry. It forced us to relive and review the police brutality and subsequent LA riots of two years prior. And it forced us more than ever to realize that our sports heroes, just like us, are not only human but exceptionally and uniquely flawed. Every issue that surfaced during the trial and divided people even more than Batman v. Superman has not only stayed relevant 22 years later, but has molded and formed our opinions on fame, sports, race and even politics still today. And it all started with two dead white people and a black guy who maybe did it.
Admittedly, this might be difficult to review because of the proximity of the actual trial having occurred in comparison with the show. At times, it'll feel as if I'm critiquing the trial more than the show, but trust that I am going purely on what the show has shown us. Also, realize that I am trying to keep any bias out of this on whether or not he actually committed such a crime. Honestly, I never really had an opinion about it, which sounds crazy but is nonetheless true. Again, I am just going by the show.
We begin with the show's advertising. The commercials started by showing people's backs. This, in turn, is how much of the first episode is spent, looking at people's backs as they ran to and fro gathering evidence. Starting with OJ leaving for his trip to New York, we jump immediately into the crime. A neighbor and his dog wanders onto Nicole Brown's property and finds her and the pizza guy both dead. I didn't pay all my attention to the case when it happened back in '94, but I can tell you that I always thought she was found dead inside the house and not outside on the stairs. I also thought that she was found closer to the back of the home rather than the front, but I could be wrong and it's neither here nor there.
Predominantly visual, it relies on little dialogue to communicate the drama, a pro-trick on the writers' behalfs to let crucial scenes speak for themselves without staking claim to either side. There is no confirmation nor denial of a possible police conspiracy to frame OJ, or if he did it. When the cops do come, they gather all the evidence and special care is taken to show things like the glove, the droplets of blood on the Bronco, the statue that OJ had in his yard, the familial feel to Nicole's home and the flashy nature of OJ's--all stark images that serve to conjure an emotional roller coaster. The Bronco was parked askew from the curb as if he had rushed to get home after possibly committing the murder. Kato Kaelin makes an appearance in OJ's pool house and plays closer to a doofus than the real actor might have liked (after that he virtually disappears from the narrative but that's forgivable). OJ is alerted that his ex-wife has been found dead and the most captivating image of the episode is shown: OJ, played by Cuba Gooding Jr., sitting with his back to the camera as he slumps forward just slightly and curls his shoulders and arms inward toward his chest. Even from the back it makes him look both vulnerable and as if he could be hiding something. Without the face, it's too hard to tell--a very smart aesthetic.
Cochran / OJ Simpson / Marcia Clark
From there, we are introduced to the real main players in this courtroom soap drama. While I will acknowledge that OJ plays a big role in earlier episodes, later it is mostly between the lawyer teams on either side, which reduces Cuba's role to a B-level player in my opinion. As an aside, I want to point out now how dissatisfied I am with the makeup and wardrobe department on their lack of artistic creativity taken in regards to Cuba Gooding Jr. To me, he doesn't look anything like the Juice nor does he do a good job of acting like him to me either. While his performance isn't bad, it reminds me more of the character that OJ played in the Naked Gun movies rather than the real OJ, or even worse... Cuba Gooding Jr. himself. This I cannot blame wholly on Cuba as in an interview he said that the directors and producers didn't want him to try mimicking OJ in a true-to-life performance, but rather wanted him to capture the emotion behind the character.
Judge Ito
Chris Darden
With that said, I think that everyone else on the show, from John Travolta's Shapiro, Sarah Paulson's Clark, Courtney B. Vance's Cochran, Kenneth Choi's Judge Ito or Sterling K. Brown's Darden, not only give award-winning performances but look the part, too. In fact, there were times when I literally saw Vance as Cochran in the previews and forgot that it wasn't actually Cochran. He is convincing in manner and tone and is the best part of the series, with Paulson's Marcia Clark pulling in right close behind him.
To backtrack, for those that don't know the breakdown of the case or series. OJ is suspected of killing Nicole Brown Simpson, his ex, and her suspected new lover before fleeing back to his house and eventually across country. While evidence is gathered in the first episode, one of the LA county prosecutors Marcia Clark is given point on the case before they even have a legitimate suspect. They pull OJ in for questioning for formality sake. The questioning goes... strangely to say the least. He tries both to be charming and simple, while being evasive and innocent. Pre-arrest, public chatter starts about who did it and if Juice is a possible suspect, already dividing the country into two distinct camps. Fearing something bad, OJ seeks comfort from his family and friends, one of them being the now famed Robert Kardashian Sr. (I'm guessing he's the senior. Don't know how many of them there are). A past lawyer, he hasn't practiced law in a long time and even when he did, he didn't practice any kind of criminal law. He and Juice both know of another good lawyer for OJ as a precaution.
Meanwhile, Cochran is doing a lot of work both on TV and in the courtroom. After just returning to the county's office, he and his old, uh... let's say friendly rival/nemesis Chris Darden discuss the influence of race in their jobs. Cochran is a private attorney and Darden will be working for the DA's office. Cochran tells him to keep his wits about him because like it or not he is playing a game in which his blackness is something that will never go away, nor be ignored, and may actually be manipulated. So long as he is the one manipulating it, he should be fine, rather than playing an uncle Tom to "these white people."
Then comes the actual arrest warrant. To the DA's and police offices' credit, they try to keep OJ's arrest low-key by having him turn himself in by noon on June 17, 1994. In a dramatic twist that has been damned as patently false by many of the people involved, the scene plays out with OJ writing a slew of suicide letters to his family, friends and fans, before threatening to blow his brains out in Kim Kardashian's childhood bedroom in Robert's mansion (note: At this point in time, Robert and Kris have been separated and divorced for some time). The kids are with their mother, but it still drives home the heart-pounding drama of the day. After a doctor checkup deemed necessary by John Travolta's Shapiro, OJ decides to run instead of go to the station. His reason: He just wants to visit his momma before he goes to jail and/or possibly dies. And this is what leads to the infamous white Bronco chase.
Interestingly, what some may have forgotten (I know I did) was that he was neither driving the slow-moving vehicle, nor was the white Bronco his. The Bronco in question belonged to his best friend who was such a Stan for him that he bought an identical Bronco to OJ's because, you know... friendship.
And here gave birth to the 24hr news cycle, especially influenced by celebrity. While, yes, there were news channels that already existed and tried to report the news all day, most of them did not get anywhere near the ratings they get today as most people didn't care to hear nothing but bad news (all news is generally bad) all day. Also, because of fledgling ratings, many of them didn't stay on 24hrs with news programming, often filling the late and early morning hours with paid programming infomercials. CNN had only started in 1980 and still took over a dozen years to live up to its revolutionary label, earned by showing this breaking news over countless hours as every station preempted their programming to show the biggest and craziest sports story ever. A few years ago, ESPN, in their wonderful 30 for 30 series, documented this one day in history. A total of six (if I remember correctly. You can check me on that) front page news stories happened that day including the NBA Finals, and a huge LA earthquake, but this led everything, and ended with a standoff in his driveway with the police. From then on, the court of public opinion was set: you either knew that OJ did it, that he killed that young and beautiful white woman; or you thought he was an innocent man being railroaded by the system. And after looking at the amount of police time and dollars wasted on pursuing him through the empty highways of SoCal, anyone could be inclined to believe the latter.
And then things dig in. As an aside and shameless plug (hey, it's my blog. I should be able to plug whatever I want), my novel A Negotiation of Wounds follows the vitriolic, poisonous and corrosive manipulation and power that public opinion has on celebrity's lives. In my book, two high-powered LA lawyers try negotiating through a contentious divorce between a former model and her movie producer husband. They sink to new lows that rival Amazing Amy from Gone Girl and the characters from War of the Roses just to get their clients the settlement they want. The pressure to stay perfect in the public's eye can make you accept a lot more than you otherwise would.
Back to the show, I mention my book (#NegotiateWounds; A Negotiation of Sorrows out soon) because the show plays heavily into the narrative the different sides build around the OJ case. The fame-whoring but smart lawyer that Shapiro is, he begins to build a team for OJ that includes the recently bar-re-instated Robert Kardashian, Shapiro's mentor F. Lee Bailey and a few others. It isn't until a few episodes in when Cochran and his team are finally added as the last pieces, and this only happens when they realize the kind of jury they could possibly get and the fact that Cochran is better at dealing with a more "urban, downtown" audience. Plus, Cochran wins and is able to control a narrative most effectively. He's the showboat that they need to get the black vote, basically, as OJ is whiter than Casper outside of skin tone.
On the defense's side, Marcia pairs with senior attorney Bill Hodgman, and adds Chris Darden later in the trial after Hodgman has an unexpected in-court breakdown. For some reason Darden at first seems not to realize that they have him on the case as the token black guy. He quickly realizes just how much of a shiny Sambo he is when they don't listen to him on countless things and assign him the job of crossing their most feared but "important" expert witness, the extremely racist cop Detective Mark Fuhrman--one of the investigators on the night of. I have to mention that Steven Pasquale in the role of Fuhrman I thought was quite good. Remembering him from his days on Rescue Me, I am glad to see he still has a working relationship with the execs at FX and hope to see him on future American Crime Story installments.
Anyway, this show has tension coming from every nook and cranny, whether it be between the two teams or in-fighting amongst the teams, it's there. Darden argues they shouldn't put Fuhrman on the stand because he's racist. Cochran argues that they shouldn't settle and that even if Shapiro stays on as lead attorney, Cochran should be the one doing much of the talking and not Shapiro. Clark thinks that she has an open and shut, slam dunk, close the book 'cause it ain't no mo' words to read easy case. Neither side has any other suspect to consider nor do they look for one. Instead, they twist what they got.
A wrinkle that comes into the case later-on is that the Japanese judge, Lance Ito is married to an LAPD officer who happens to be a superior over Fuhrman, but we're getting ahead of ourselves. This, they both know, will be the biggest case of his life; career-defining. And so the stage is set.
A battle of perception and presumption, everything is called into question. Marcia Clark, despite her best behavior, is seen as having little appeal as a female and as a lawyer. Words like: bitch, cold and unlikable carelessly fly around in focus groups and the media. She undergoes two haircuts and starts to play the game of smiling more to look softer, more feminine.
Lest ye think this is solely a game that is enforced on women, think again. Not only does race, racial equality and racial police profiling factor heavily into this trial, but Darden and Cochran unabashedly go after each other in comparing and contrasting their blackness. Darden is seen as a coon for the prosecution, jumping, dancing and cracking-wise whenever his white lady boss orders it. "Yessa, Massa, I'll put the racist white cop on the stand. I's talk to him real nice like, too." Of course this backfires in two ways: not only does Fuhrman prove kryptonite for their case later in the process, but because Darden hasn't been listened to, he takes initiative on his own (slyly prodded by F. Lee Bailey) to make OJ do the infamous glove fitting. Face. Palm! Face. Palm! This comes after Marcia tells him not to do that. In this way, the show displays a very unique perspective on interracial relations between different sexes, too. The oppressed white woman still won't listen to or take advice from the black man, just as he grows fed up with the same old oppression and rhetoric that pushes him into society's corner in the first place. Both are supposedly second class, yet neither listen, and still within that paradigm, they show a great deal of sexual chemistry toward each other. And while the show never makes the footprint in the sand, they do heavily hint that Darden and Clark have a bedroom relationship of some sort, but just as in real life, this is neither confirmed nor denied. Looking back now, I wonder if the producers intended this to be a microcosm of OJ and Nicole's relationship? Hm?
Speaking of race as a broader topic, the series speaks from the voice of the race issue quite similar to how most people saw it during the time. Be not fooled, while there were plenty of other scale-tipping narratives to follow, be it celebrity vs. normal person, spouse vs. spouse, man vs. woman, or even abuser vs. victim, all of which the show touches, there is no bigger card played than that on race, the story of whether or not this big black man could kill this little, innocent white woman. And it is for this specific reason that the show is perfectly timed in the American conscience and pop culture.
To do another plug of one of my books The Provocateur, in it the titular character is quick to point out that change is somewhat of an illusion. Nothing really changes or progresses, but rather, we are all in a loop which we choose not to see. Everything is cyclical. It is only our current levels of intellect that allow us to placate ourselves in the illusion that things have progressed from one level to the next. There is no greater example of this than this show about a country-dividing legal case that happened 22 years ago that, outside of costumes and other fad styles (soon to make their own comebacks) is not only relevant but could literally play out the exact same today and nobody would find it shocking and it would still have the same effect. In fact, when considering what Ryan Murphy and the other creators have said of the show and how they want to base each season on a new crime (not necessarily always a courtroom drama, however) the case most similar to this that comes to mind quickly is the Trayvon Martin case. Majority Blacks may side one way, and whites another. Just as the Provocateur emphasizes, what we see as change has roots wholly in perception. Twenty-two years ago they argued about the dangers of a black man in a world in which he seemingly doesn't belong--a rich, gated community/higher society--and they do the same thing today. There is the bias of cops, black or white, against brown and black-skinned people, which plenty of people are quick to say is none existent or in our past. The Provocateur argues that somehow even the most liberal and educated of us all tend to forget the things of the past, or of the distant past in favor of the most recent suffering.
So while we are quick to push a post-racial or progressed America, we can't forget that we still have an entire generation of Baby Boomers who were born into racial and political turmoil that saw people killed and treated like animals mere 50 years ago. Or that we were quick to divide down a racial line a mere 22 years ago when assessing whether a black man killed his white ex-wife or not. Because for all the progress we've supposedly made, it's similar to a line said on one of my other shows, Rosewood, recently (and I paraphrase): A black man killing an Amber can get life or even the death penalty, but turn Amber into Shanique-Diamond and he might be able to get 5-8 years in the pen.
Be not chastised by those comments as this show is brilliantly written and even better acted. Even considering the overall insanity of the case itself, the show serves to ratchet up the drama to new heights one might have thought impossible in '94 and '95. The very definition of riveting, American Crime Story, you are. It is funny when levity is needed, hits all the proper sentimental and quiet beats, and actually makes you feel as if you finally have been welcomed into the inner-working of what went on during that landmark trial. And best (or worst) of all, it reminds us of just how dominated by the trial and the events surrounding this murder that today's pop culture still is. Faye Resnick, Nicole Brown's best friend at the time, still makes the occasional guest appearance on Bravo's Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. CNN's coverage and other networks' news coverage spawned the media news cycle we see today (Fox News was birthed in '96). We are more obsessed with the culture of celebrity than we've ever been before and want to know not just the trouble are favorite stars get into, but the run-up that led to such a downfall.
Even networks like ESPN and NBCSports find time between their wall-to-wall sports coverage to talk ad nauseam about domestic violence allegations of the biggest male athletes, their home stories, their rises and falls off the court, and pass judgment on whether they should be commended for being an elite player in their profession because of what they may or may not have done. Most of all--and I'm gonna get flack for this, but I don't give a damn--it reminds us that the biggest reality star(s) currently in the public eye The Kardashians, are not famous because of their own talent. But nor are they famous because Kim released some sex tape years ago involving a current B-list R&B singer (I say that even being a Ray J fan; swag swag!). No, she is famous because a young white woman who died younger than she ever will, was violently murdered possibly by her ex-husband... and her father potentially helped to clear a possible murderer of the charges. Brings a whole new morbid meaning to dying for fame, no?
David Schwimmer as Robert Kardashian / John Travolta as Robert Shapiro
My grade? You really haven't been paying attention? It's clearly an A. Any series that can give me anticipatory chills about how it'll end when I've known the ending for a full score of years already has to get an A. They based their view of the series off of a book, which I'm going to hope also is just as riveting. This is quite possibly both Sarah Paulson's and Courtney B. Vance's finest performances after years spent in Hollywood and acting. Most importantly, while it seeks to entertain it never loses sight of the most important thing in all of this circus: Two lives were extinguished far before their time. It ends the season on the two best images of the deceased. RIP.
Nicole Brown / Ronald Goldman
Should you be watching? Of course. Catch this on FX OnDemand on most of your cable and satellite providers or you can buy the DVD and they should also have it soon on other broadband distributions. It is a one season, contained story and the start to a new anthology series like American Horror Story. With that said, remember that each show's tone is different. Don't expect this to play like Mr. Robot, Breaking Bad or Game of Thrones. It's captivating in its own unique way. Also, don't confuse this with ABC's American Crime. While they may deal with similar issues at times, it's vastly different. Expect the two shows to compete against each other come award season.
What do you think? If you didn't watch the show, why? Could you just not muster a single damn to care anymore about OJ? Or did it interest you but you didn't know when it was on so you didn't watch? If you did watch, how did you feel about the show? Did they get right the things you wanted them to get right? What about the added-in drama in certain instances? Just because the glove didn't fit, did they really have to acquit? With that said, and since this is a show that seems to want to stick with following true crimes, what real crime case would you want them to cover next that has happened in America? Trayvon Martin, Laci Peterson, Amanda Knox, Jonbenet Ramsey or something else, maybe older? With NBC already having Aquarius which chronicles the Manson family case, and having just greenlit an anthology on the Menendez brothers, I doubt they'll do either of those but maybe. What crime interest you? Let me know in the comments below (hint: click the no comments button if you see no comments).
Check out my new 5-star comedy novel, Yep, I'm Totally Stalking My Ex-Boyfriend . #AhStalkingIf you’re looking for a scare, check the YA novel #AFuriousWind, the NA novel #DARKER, #BrandNewHome or the bizarre horror #ThePowerOfTen. For those interested in something a little more dramatic and adult, check out #TheWriter. The full first season is out NOW exclusively on Amazon; season 2 coming this summer. If you like fast action/crime check out #ADangerousLow. The sequel A New Low will be out in a few months. Join us on Goodreads to talk about books and TV, and subscribe to and follow my blog with that Google+ button to the right.
Until next time, "Dudes better come correct wit' dey mustaches, man. It's flagrant disrespect to come 'round here with a little bitty ol' pencil thin 'stache. If the 'stache ain't thick, you get beat wit' a stick."
P.S. OK, that has got to be the stupidest sign-off I've ever written. What the hell was that? To be fair, I did fall in love with Johnny's mustache. Y'all realize that Steve Harvey got the Johnny Cochran right now? Craziness. See, I told you... still a modern-day influence 22 years later. I'll think of something better next time.
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All pictures courtesy of FX unless otherwise notedThat's right, ladies and gentlemen. I'm back with yet another postmortem send-up of a show that I failed to do a 3 week roundup on. As said before but bears repeating, I was so busy earlier in the year that I was unable to get to do all of my reviews for all the many mid-season shows that premiered from January to February. I am trying to catch up as I finish a project (writing sequels is hard, dudes and dudettes) and have a one week lull before I start work on The Writer (#TheWriter) season 2. But before all of that summer craziness hits, lets look at one of the best shows of the winter mid-season addition, American Crime Story: The People vs. OJ Simpson (#ThePeoplev-OJSimpson).
The gossip-worthy, salacious tabloid fodder that captivated the world returned 22 years after first shifting the American paradigm of journalism, sensationalism and the modern celebrity. For those who lived through this news (which is probably most of the shows viewers) the chase, legal accusation and trial of OJ Simpson AKA The Juice man AKA Juice transcended categorical barriers that long tried to pin celebrities into being just one or two things. It called into question our nation's racial animosities and maturity on the subject of hate, prejudice and bigotry. It forced us to relive and review the police brutality and subsequent LA riots of two years prior. And it forced us more than ever to realize that our sports heroes, just like us, are not only human but exceptionally and uniquely flawed. Every issue that surfaced during the trial and divided people even more than Batman v. Superman has not only stayed relevant 22 years later, but has molded and formed our opinions on fame, sports, race and even politics still today. And it all started with two dead white people and a black guy who maybe did it.
Admittedly, this might be difficult to review because of the proximity of the actual trial having occurred in comparison with the show. At times, it'll feel as if I'm critiquing the trial more than the show, but trust that I am going purely on what the show has shown us. Also, realize that I am trying to keep any bias out of this on whether or not he actually committed such a crime. Honestly, I never really had an opinion about it, which sounds crazy but is nonetheless true. Again, I am just going by the show.
We begin with the show's advertising. The commercials started by showing people's backs. This, in turn, is how much of the first episode is spent, looking at people's backs as they ran to and fro gathering evidence. Starting with OJ leaving for his trip to New York, we jump immediately into the crime. A neighbor and his dog wanders onto Nicole Brown's property and finds her and the pizza guy both dead. I didn't pay all my attention to the case when it happened back in '94, but I can tell you that I always thought she was found dead inside the house and not outside on the stairs. I also thought that she was found closer to the back of the home rather than the front, but I could be wrong and it's neither here nor there.
Predominantly visual, it relies on little dialogue to communicate the drama, a pro-trick on the writers' behalfs to let crucial scenes speak for themselves without staking claim to either side. There is no confirmation nor denial of a possible police conspiracy to frame OJ, or if he did it. When the cops do come, they gather all the evidence and special care is taken to show things like the glove, the droplets of blood on the Bronco, the statue that OJ had in his yard, the familial feel to Nicole's home and the flashy nature of OJ's--all stark images that serve to conjure an emotional roller coaster. The Bronco was parked askew from the curb as if he had rushed to get home after possibly committing the murder. Kato Kaelin makes an appearance in OJ's pool house and plays closer to a doofus than the real actor might have liked (after that he virtually disappears from the narrative but that's forgivable). OJ is alerted that his ex-wife has been found dead and the most captivating image of the episode is shown: OJ, played by Cuba Gooding Jr., sitting with his back to the camera as he slumps forward just slightly and curls his shoulders and arms inward toward his chest. Even from the back it makes him look both vulnerable and as if he could be hiding something. Without the face, it's too hard to tell--a very smart aesthetic.
Cochran / OJ Simpson / Marcia ClarkFrom there, we are introduced to the real main players in this courtroom soap drama. While I will acknowledge that OJ plays a big role in earlier episodes, later it is mostly between the lawyer teams on either side, which reduces Cuba's role to a B-level player in my opinion. As an aside, I want to point out now how dissatisfied I am with the makeup and wardrobe department on their lack of artistic creativity taken in regards to Cuba Gooding Jr. To me, he doesn't look anything like the Juice nor does he do a good job of acting like him to me either. While his performance isn't bad, it reminds me more of the character that OJ played in the Naked Gun movies rather than the real OJ, or even worse... Cuba Gooding Jr. himself. This I cannot blame wholly on Cuba as in an interview he said that the directors and producers didn't want him to try mimicking OJ in a true-to-life performance, but rather wanted him to capture the emotion behind the character.
Judge Ito
Chris DardenWith that said, I think that everyone else on the show, from John Travolta's Shapiro, Sarah Paulson's Clark, Courtney B. Vance's Cochran, Kenneth Choi's Judge Ito or Sterling K. Brown's Darden, not only give award-winning performances but look the part, too. In fact, there were times when I literally saw Vance as Cochran in the previews and forgot that it wasn't actually Cochran. He is convincing in manner and tone and is the best part of the series, with Paulson's Marcia Clark pulling in right close behind him.
To backtrack, for those that don't know the breakdown of the case or series. OJ is suspected of killing Nicole Brown Simpson, his ex, and her suspected new lover before fleeing back to his house and eventually across country. While evidence is gathered in the first episode, one of the LA county prosecutors Marcia Clark is given point on the case before they even have a legitimate suspect. They pull OJ in for questioning for formality sake. The questioning goes... strangely to say the least. He tries both to be charming and simple, while being evasive and innocent. Pre-arrest, public chatter starts about who did it and if Juice is a possible suspect, already dividing the country into two distinct camps. Fearing something bad, OJ seeks comfort from his family and friends, one of them being the now famed Robert Kardashian Sr. (I'm guessing he's the senior. Don't know how many of them there are). A past lawyer, he hasn't practiced law in a long time and even when he did, he didn't practice any kind of criminal law. He and Juice both know of another good lawyer for OJ as a precaution.
Meanwhile, Cochran is doing a lot of work both on TV and in the courtroom. After just returning to the county's office, he and his old, uh... let's say friendly rival/nemesis Chris Darden discuss the influence of race in their jobs. Cochran is a private attorney and Darden will be working for the DA's office. Cochran tells him to keep his wits about him because like it or not he is playing a game in which his blackness is something that will never go away, nor be ignored, and may actually be manipulated. So long as he is the one manipulating it, he should be fine, rather than playing an uncle Tom to "these white people."Then comes the actual arrest warrant. To the DA's and police offices' credit, they try to keep OJ's arrest low-key by having him turn himself in by noon on June 17, 1994. In a dramatic twist that has been damned as patently false by many of the people involved, the scene plays out with OJ writing a slew of suicide letters to his family, friends and fans, before threatening to blow his brains out in Kim Kardashian's childhood bedroom in Robert's mansion (note: At this point in time, Robert and Kris have been separated and divorced for some time). The kids are with their mother, but it still drives home the heart-pounding drama of the day. After a doctor checkup deemed necessary by John Travolta's Shapiro, OJ decides to run instead of go to the station. His reason: He just wants to visit his momma before he goes to jail and/or possibly dies. And this is what leads to the infamous white Bronco chase.
Interestingly, what some may have forgotten (I know I did) was that he was neither driving the slow-moving vehicle, nor was the white Bronco his. The Bronco in question belonged to his best friend who was such a Stan for him that he bought an identical Bronco to OJ's because, you know... friendship.
And here gave birth to the 24hr news cycle, especially influenced by celebrity. While, yes, there were news channels that already existed and tried to report the news all day, most of them did not get anywhere near the ratings they get today as most people didn't care to hear nothing but bad news (all news is generally bad) all day. Also, because of fledgling ratings, many of them didn't stay on 24hrs with news programming, often filling the late and early morning hours with paid programming infomercials. CNN had only started in 1980 and still took over a dozen years to live up to its revolutionary label, earned by showing this breaking news over countless hours as every station preempted their programming to show the biggest and craziest sports story ever. A few years ago, ESPN, in their wonderful 30 for 30 series, documented this one day in history. A total of six (if I remember correctly. You can check me on that) front page news stories happened that day including the NBA Finals, and a huge LA earthquake, but this led everything, and ended with a standoff in his driveway with the police. From then on, the court of public opinion was set: you either knew that OJ did it, that he killed that young and beautiful white woman; or you thought he was an innocent man being railroaded by the system. And after looking at the amount of police time and dollars wasted on pursuing him through the empty highways of SoCal, anyone could be inclined to believe the latter.
And then things dig in. As an aside and shameless plug (hey, it's my blog. I should be able to plug whatever I want), my novel A Negotiation of Wounds follows the vitriolic, poisonous and corrosive manipulation and power that public opinion has on celebrity's lives. In my book, two high-powered LA lawyers try negotiating through a contentious divorce between a former model and her movie producer husband. They sink to new lows that rival Amazing Amy from Gone Girl and the characters from War of the Roses just to get their clients the settlement they want. The pressure to stay perfect in the public's eye can make you accept a lot more than you otherwise would.
Back to the show, I mention my book (#NegotiateWounds; A Negotiation of Sorrows out soon) because the show plays heavily into the narrative the different sides build around the OJ case. The fame-whoring but smart lawyer that Shapiro is, he begins to build a team for OJ that includes the recently bar-re-instated Robert Kardashian, Shapiro's mentor F. Lee Bailey and a few others. It isn't until a few episodes in when Cochran and his team are finally added as the last pieces, and this only happens when they realize the kind of jury they could possibly get and the fact that Cochran is better at dealing with a more "urban, downtown" audience. Plus, Cochran wins and is able to control a narrative most effectively. He's the showboat that they need to get the black vote, basically, as OJ is whiter than Casper outside of skin tone.
On the defense's side, Marcia pairs with senior attorney Bill Hodgman, and adds Chris Darden later in the trial after Hodgman has an unexpected in-court breakdown. For some reason Darden at first seems not to realize that they have him on the case as the token black guy. He quickly realizes just how much of a shiny Sambo he is when they don't listen to him on countless things and assign him the job of crossing their most feared but "important" expert witness, the extremely racist cop Detective Mark Fuhrman--one of the investigators on the night of. I have to mention that Steven Pasquale in the role of Fuhrman I thought was quite good. Remembering him from his days on Rescue Me, I am glad to see he still has a working relationship with the execs at FX and hope to see him on future American Crime Story installments.
Anyway, this show has tension coming from every nook and cranny, whether it be between the two teams or in-fighting amongst the teams, it's there. Darden argues they shouldn't put Fuhrman on the stand because he's racist. Cochran argues that they shouldn't settle and that even if Shapiro stays on as lead attorney, Cochran should be the one doing much of the talking and not Shapiro. Clark thinks that she has an open and shut, slam dunk, close the book 'cause it ain't no mo' words to read easy case. Neither side has any other suspect to consider nor do they look for one. Instead, they twist what they got.A wrinkle that comes into the case later-on is that the Japanese judge, Lance Ito is married to an LAPD officer who happens to be a superior over Fuhrman, but we're getting ahead of ourselves. This, they both know, will be the biggest case of his life; career-defining. And so the stage is set.
A battle of perception and presumption, everything is called into question. Marcia Clark, despite her best behavior, is seen as having little appeal as a female and as a lawyer. Words like: bitch, cold and unlikable carelessly fly around in focus groups and the media. She undergoes two haircuts and starts to play the game of smiling more to look softer, more feminine.
Lest ye think this is solely a game that is enforced on women, think again. Not only does race, racial equality and racial police profiling factor heavily into this trial, but Darden and Cochran unabashedly go after each other in comparing and contrasting their blackness. Darden is seen as a coon for the prosecution, jumping, dancing and cracking-wise whenever his white lady boss orders it. "Yessa, Massa, I'll put the racist white cop on the stand. I's talk to him real nice like, too." Of course this backfires in two ways: not only does Fuhrman prove kryptonite for their case later in the process, but because Darden hasn't been listened to, he takes initiative on his own (slyly prodded by F. Lee Bailey) to make OJ do the infamous glove fitting. Face. Palm! Face. Palm! This comes after Marcia tells him not to do that. In this way, the show displays a very unique perspective on interracial relations between different sexes, too. The oppressed white woman still won't listen to or take advice from the black man, just as he grows fed up with the same old oppression and rhetoric that pushes him into society's corner in the first place. Both are supposedly second class, yet neither listen, and still within that paradigm, they show a great deal of sexual chemistry toward each other. And while the show never makes the footprint in the sand, they do heavily hint that Darden and Clark have a bedroom relationship of some sort, but just as in real life, this is neither confirmed nor denied. Looking back now, I wonder if the producers intended this to be a microcosm of OJ and Nicole's relationship? Hm?Speaking of race as a broader topic, the series speaks from the voice of the race issue quite similar to how most people saw it during the time. Be not fooled, while there were plenty of other scale-tipping narratives to follow, be it celebrity vs. normal person, spouse vs. spouse, man vs. woman, or even abuser vs. victim, all of which the show touches, there is no bigger card played than that on race, the story of whether or not this big black man could kill this little, innocent white woman. And it is for this specific reason that the show is perfectly timed in the American conscience and pop culture.
To do another plug of one of my books The Provocateur, in it the titular character is quick to point out that change is somewhat of an illusion. Nothing really changes or progresses, but rather, we are all in a loop which we choose not to see. Everything is cyclical. It is only our current levels of intellect that allow us to placate ourselves in the illusion that things have progressed from one level to the next. There is no greater example of this than this show about a country-dividing legal case that happened 22 years ago that, outside of costumes and other fad styles (soon to make their own comebacks) is not only relevant but could literally play out the exact same today and nobody would find it shocking and it would still have the same effect. In fact, when considering what Ryan Murphy and the other creators have said of the show and how they want to base each season on a new crime (not necessarily always a courtroom drama, however) the case most similar to this that comes to mind quickly is the Trayvon Martin case. Majority Blacks may side one way, and whites another. Just as the Provocateur emphasizes, what we see as change has roots wholly in perception. Twenty-two years ago they argued about the dangers of a black man in a world in which he seemingly doesn't belong--a rich, gated community/higher society--and they do the same thing today. There is the bias of cops, black or white, against brown and black-skinned people, which plenty of people are quick to say is none existent or in our past. The Provocateur argues that somehow even the most liberal and educated of us all tend to forget the things of the past, or of the distant past in favor of the most recent suffering.
So while we are quick to push a post-racial or progressed America, we can't forget that we still have an entire generation of Baby Boomers who were born into racial and political turmoil that saw people killed and treated like animals mere 50 years ago. Or that we were quick to divide down a racial line a mere 22 years ago when assessing whether a black man killed his white ex-wife or not. Because for all the progress we've supposedly made, it's similar to a line said on one of my other shows, Rosewood, recently (and I paraphrase): A black man killing an Amber can get life or even the death penalty, but turn Amber into Shanique-Diamond and he might be able to get 5-8 years in the pen.
Be not chastised by those comments as this show is brilliantly written and even better acted. Even considering the overall insanity of the case itself, the show serves to ratchet up the drama to new heights one might have thought impossible in '94 and '95. The very definition of riveting, American Crime Story, you are. It is funny when levity is needed, hits all the proper sentimental and quiet beats, and actually makes you feel as if you finally have been welcomed into the inner-working of what went on during that landmark trial. And best (or worst) of all, it reminds us of just how dominated by the trial and the events surrounding this murder that today's pop culture still is. Faye Resnick, Nicole Brown's best friend at the time, still makes the occasional guest appearance on Bravo's Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. CNN's coverage and other networks' news coverage spawned the media news cycle we see today (Fox News was birthed in '96). We are more obsessed with the culture of celebrity than we've ever been before and want to know not just the trouble are favorite stars get into, but the run-up that led to such a downfall.
Even networks like ESPN and NBCSports find time between their wall-to-wall sports coverage to talk ad nauseam about domestic violence allegations of the biggest male athletes, their home stories, their rises and falls off the court, and pass judgment on whether they should be commended for being an elite player in their profession because of what they may or may not have done. Most of all--and I'm gonna get flack for this, but I don't give a damn--it reminds us that the biggest reality star(s) currently in the public eye The Kardashians, are not famous because of their own talent. But nor are they famous because Kim released some sex tape years ago involving a current B-list R&B singer (I say that even being a Ray J fan; swag swag!). No, she is famous because a young white woman who died younger than she ever will, was violently murdered possibly by her ex-husband... and her father potentially helped to clear a possible murderer of the charges. Brings a whole new morbid meaning to dying for fame, no?
David Schwimmer as Robert Kardashian / John Travolta as Robert ShapiroMy grade? You really haven't been paying attention? It's clearly an A. Any series that can give me anticipatory chills about how it'll end when I've known the ending for a full score of years already has to get an A. They based their view of the series off of a book, which I'm going to hope also is just as riveting. This is quite possibly both Sarah Paulson's and Courtney B. Vance's finest performances after years spent in Hollywood and acting. Most importantly, while it seeks to entertain it never loses sight of the most important thing in all of this circus: Two lives were extinguished far before their time. It ends the season on the two best images of the deceased. RIP.
Nicole Brown / Ronald GoldmanShould you be watching? Of course. Catch this on FX OnDemand on most of your cable and satellite providers or you can buy the DVD and they should also have it soon on other broadband distributions. It is a one season, contained story and the start to a new anthology series like American Horror Story. With that said, remember that each show's tone is different. Don't expect this to play like Mr. Robot, Breaking Bad or Game of Thrones. It's captivating in its own unique way. Also, don't confuse this with ABC's American Crime. While they may deal with similar issues at times, it's vastly different. Expect the two shows to compete against each other come award season.
What do you think? If you didn't watch the show, why? Could you just not muster a single damn to care anymore about OJ? Or did it interest you but you didn't know when it was on so you didn't watch? If you did watch, how did you feel about the show? Did they get right the things you wanted them to get right? What about the added-in drama in certain instances? Just because the glove didn't fit, did they really have to acquit? With that said, and since this is a show that seems to want to stick with following true crimes, what real crime case would you want them to cover next that has happened in America? Trayvon Martin, Laci Peterson, Amanda Knox, Jonbenet Ramsey or something else, maybe older? With NBC already having Aquarius which chronicles the Manson family case, and having just greenlit an anthology on the Menendez brothers, I doubt they'll do either of those but maybe. What crime interest you? Let me know in the comments below (hint: click the no comments button if you see no comments).
Check out my new 5-star comedy novel, Yep, I'm Totally Stalking My Ex-Boyfriend . #AhStalkingIf you’re looking for a scare, check the YA novel #AFuriousWind, the NA novel #DARKER, #BrandNewHome or the bizarre horror #ThePowerOfTen. For those interested in something a little more dramatic and adult, check out #TheWriter. The full first season is out NOW exclusively on Amazon; season 2 coming this summer. If you like fast action/crime check out #ADangerousLow. The sequel A New Low will be out in a few months. Join us on Goodreads to talk about books and TV, and subscribe to and follow my blog with that Google+ button to the right.
Until next time, "Dudes better come correct wit' dey mustaches, man. It's flagrant disrespect to come 'round here with a little bitty ol' pencil thin 'stache. If the 'stache ain't thick, you get beat wit' a stick."
P.S. OK, that has got to be the stupidest sign-off I've ever written. What the hell was that? To be fair, I did fall in love with Johnny's mustache. Y'all realize that Steve Harvey got the Johnny Cochran right now? Craziness. See, I told you... still a modern-day influence 22 years later. I'll think of something better next time.
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April 7, 2016
Should Fox Give Second Chance Another Go Next Year? Season Postmortem Review #SecondChance #Fox #Postmortem
Should Fox Give Second Chance Another Go Next Year? Season Postmortem Review #SecondChance #Fox #Postmortem
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'Sup, everybody! That's my new sign-in to make me sound hip and cool. Is it doin' things for ya, reader? I hope so. For the last few months I have been embroiled in a battle of seasonal preparation, sluggish writing, writer's apathy, an overly-long vacation and health issues. In all of that, I didn't get to cover many of the shows I was watching and missed sharing my thoughts on American Horror Story's finale (loved Gaga's performance, didn't care very much for the season; in fact, I thought Hotel drew a little too much from the first season AHS: House. Remember people who moved in there never really left either, not to mention a distant father, an erratic mother, an ignored child, and a younger child who everyone was going googly-eyed over. It felt like House from a different perspective). I also missed talking about many specials and some films I've seen (loved Grease! Live but as a Christian, I didn't too much care for The Passion. It felt long even though it was shorter than Grease, and it felt too talkie). But most importantly, I've been so busy writing (writing sequels is the worst) that I missed doing my 3 week roundup on many of the mid-season replacement shows. I managed one for The Family (#TheFamily), due mainly because of the speed in which it came out (three episodes in two weeks). However, other shows like You, Me and The Apocalypse and Second Chance weren't so lucky. Thankfully, many of these shows only had ten-episode orders, and wouldn't have been extended this season anyway. Their fates always relied on the strength of the ten episodes and would not be bolstered by three or four more episodes tacked on to the back-end, but would simply be decided in the summer. With that said, I feel comfortable doing a postmortem on these shows as they are still being considered for return next season (don't believe me, look at Wayward Pines and Secrets and Lies as examples from last season). Second Chance, you're on deck.
Obviously this will be a little different than a three week roundup where I dive into each episode. I'll begin with the premise and characters and work my way through.
Second Chance centers around two families, one Indian and the other white. The contrast should be stark but doesn't feel as such due to the way the story unfolds. The Indian (not Native American) family is comprised of two fraternal twins, one girl, one boy. Otto Goodwin, the boy, is an antisocial tech genius and founder of the company Looking Glass similar to Apple. Antisocial is probably not the proper word, though I forget exactly what word they used on the show. He's always understood and viewed the world differently. Like Einstein, he didn't speak for a very long time, at least not proper English; he and his sister have their own version of twintalk which they still utilize as adults. People, and to a greater extent the outside world, frighten him because of their unpredictability and uncontrollable variables. For this reason he spends life inside his home shared with his sister who is his primary caretaker of sorts.
His sister, Mary Goodwin (played by the scrumptious Dilshad Vadsaria) has always subbed for Otto's mouthpiece. The business-minded CEO of Looking Glass, she runs the company her brother fuels with his genius, a burgeoning billion dollar tech firm. I mention that it is a tech company again because of a thought that occurred to me later in the season that I'll address. The visual cue behind Looking Glass, Mary is often too busy taking care of her brother or his business to engage in any outside relationships. While she and her brother are helped throughout the series by a genius, Otto-created AI named Arthur and Mary's assistant Alexa (played by Vanessa Lengies who I also enjoy), they haven't much personal interaction outside of work. The kick of the series comes from Otto's love of and dependency on his sister. Years ago, doctors discovered that she was dying from an incurable, rare blood cancer, which has now become more aggressive. She has months to live. Otto has a plan to save his public surrogate, but it's gonna take a dead body. Pretty much all good plans start with a dead body, I guess... or, maybe that's just my plans. Uh, ignore that last statement.
The second family is pseudo-headed by Jimmy Pritchard. I say psuedo-headed by the 75-year-old man because he's not exactly favored by his two adult children. The subject of ire for his FBI agent son Duval, he enjoys razzing him about how bad of a job he's doing as an agent. Jimmy, in his younger years, was a policeman who made it all the way up to the sheriff's position before a forced retirement/resignation due to some bad police work. Now, he spends his days drinking and sitting in his raggedy old man apartment, and his nights, uh... drinking and sleeping with ladies of the night in his raggedy old man apartment. Duval's mother and Jimmy's former wife is long gone, not to mention he cheated on her when she was alive, so he doesn't have anyone outside of his kids and his granddaughter. His daughter, Duval's sister Helen is unfortunately never really flushed out even in an episode focusing on her rekindled passion with an old boyfriend from her teenage days. It's not completely clear, though it seems at times that she lives with her brother and his daughter and acts as a surrogate mother to the young teenage girl whose real mother isn't spoken of in great detail (she's dead... presumably). The girl's name is Gracie and she is the typical rebellious teen who doesn't think her overly-protective dad is right. Her rebellion plays into the end of the season in quite a predictable, but excusable way.
How do these two families intersect? Remember that dead body? Turns out it's Jimmy's. When the cantankerous old man's police instincts kick-in one more time to try saving his son from corrupt bureau agents, he wanders into a situation that gets him tossed off a bridge. Granted, this was on the pilot which I always say, "never judge a show by its pilot alone because it's trying to get on with it too quickly and doesn't give enough time for anything to build," but this part of it made me roll my eyes. With all of the crime TV shows on air, this one had the audacity to make us believe that this old man being pushed over the bridge was actually ruled a suicide. Why was this laughable? Because he was found lying on his back. What? Not only that, but there were no footprints on the bridge from where he'd have to have climbed over the railing to jump. Most crime shows and even documentaries will tell you that when people decide to commit suicide by jumping off something, they go face-first, not on their back. The psychology behind this is far too high-grade for this blog, but just believe me when I say that it's very rare for law enforcement to rule the way he was found a suicide without a note or something, even accidental suicide. Don't believe me, google the HBO suicide documentary The Bridge, about San Francisco's famed Golden Gate Bridge. Over the course of a year they filmed people jumping (hopefully they found peace on the other side). Out of all the jumpers, only one I can remember did it backwards. But I digress.
Using their connections and manipulations of computer files, Otto and Mary get his body. Why? Because apparently Otto's plan hinges on a person having a certain genetic trait found only in less than 1% of the population. Jimmy has that marker. The plan? Use a never-fully-explained algorithm and medical concoction to resurrect Jimmy and create a near-perfect human being. Ladies and gentlemen, your new Frankenstein.Otto's creation is supposed to not only create a perfect human being from the remains of a dead one, but in its blood hold a Rosetta Stone of sorts for cures. A blood infusion from the newly resurrected Jimmy should help cure Mary of her cancer, and serve as a map for other cures of incurable diseases (goodbye cancer, HIV, diabetes, etc.). Though it isn't completely explained, it helps the body heal itself in some way, and can extend the life of the resurrected person, with a caveat. And that caveat is as big as Randy Jackson circa 2003 American Idol. On a cellular level, Jimmy will breakdown over a matter of 12 or so hours before he has to go back into a tank of goop, which, up until the last two episodes, seems to be there for no other reason than to show his manly chest partially naked every episode (a gift for you, ladies). And so starts our journey.
They get Jimmy and use some electrodes and the goop to bring him back and he comes back not only better, but significantly younger than when he died. While his age is never mentioned he looks somewhere between 30 and 40--younger than his son, Duval. Having not asked for such a blessing as a second chance at life, he isn't content to stay locked away in the twins' house in a specially-made replica of his old man apartment. These two highly intelligent (one a genius) people fumble worse than Tony Romo against the Seahawks when trying to contain their new creation. Not only does he break free from their house and gallivants around the city, he also discovers he has superhuman strength, agility and endurance, multiplying the extremes of such abilities ten times of what the normal human can accomplish. Not without their safety precautions, they have linked him into Arthur and the Looking Glass web system which is able to not only track, but monitor his vitals. After a little free-running, he collapses and they bring him back to explain his new situation. Since it is still his life and his blood they need to save Mary, they strike a deal. He wants to bring to justice the men who killed him as he believes his son is in danger. Otto, being the standoffish-science nerd he is, doesn't agree with this as he sees the man as nothing more than an experiment which can and needs to be controlled for Mary's safety. His sister doesn't agree and allows him leeway to pursue this justice so long as he safely returns to the home. In fact, she helps him by using Looking Glass to research these men. The Arthur AI, paired with Looking Glass' power is akin to combing Google with the FBI's inner-company servers. They get info on anything and anybody at any time. The one thing standing in Jimmy's way: his son, and the relationship Duval has with one of the men who killed him (his current FBI partner).
We're gonna skip ahead here like one of those replays of live sports events that cut minutes of nothingness out because it's unnecessary. After catching his killers with the help of Mary and Duval, who still doesn't know that this is his dad brought back to life, Jimmy realizes that there are still other cases that he either had no time to solve the last time he was alive or he didn't have the resources to solve. New deal: allow him to help his son solve cases on a weekly basis, preferably at nine o'clock eastern standard time every Friday. He shares his blood with Mary once or twice every day, he hops into his tank of goo to sleep and replenish himself, Otto gets to keep his experiment going, and crimes get solved for the FBI. Now you're wondering, "Well, if Duval doesn't know who he is, then who does Jimmy say he is if they're working together?" Easy. His bastard son, you know, the one he had during one of his many affairs he had while married to Duval's mother. Isn't that just a sweet story and beautiful lie to tell your son? That you had an entire second life where you not only knew about this other out-of-wedlock child, but actually hung out with him at some of your favorite places like the Chinese bar where you used to smoke, drink and gamble when you were alive. Hell, the bar was such a staple of Jimmy's Sheriff routine that it has a picture of him hanging on the wall in his uni with a knife he used to gash the wood on the bar for every bad guy he personally caught.
Jimmy on the left, Duval on the right
The fact that Duval doesn't know his own father is working with him as his CI for the first couple episodes is cute and kitschy as Jimmy happens to show up in random places just as Duval shows up waving his badge. They do the whole, "Wait a minute, you can't be here. You're a civilian," shtick and Jimmy saves his son more than a few times. Duval has no idea he's using billionaire tech Looking Glass to help nor does he know about his superhuman abilities but he suspects that something is up outside of the man being his long-lost brother who he isn't too happy to find.
Is this another police procedural/case-of-the-week show? Why yes, it is. But what makes it different from many of the other new procedurals from this 2015-2016 season is the family bond and the new twist on the Frankenstein paradigm. Jimmy is not an ugly ogre with little intelligence but a fully formed, perfect man. Argue the actor's looks all you want, he fits the role. The cases, unlike Minority Report (an ill-fated Fox show from earlier in the season) and Limitless (the still-running CBS procedural) aren't groundbreakingly new in the way of criminal craft, but they do advance the plot and help you better understand the characters. Many of the cases this season were linked invariably to the old Jimmy. One of the women he had an affair with in his old age turned out to be a car dealer on the surface and a drug kingpin in her secondary career. The Chinese bar/restaurant frequented by Jimmy is a hotbed for criminal activity, and how Duval suddenly does super well in solving cases with his new CI is also briefly touched upon. But it doesn't really get interesting until the changes in the main characters become apparent.
The most significant change comes from Otto. Initially billed in the premiere as an innocent, family-loving genius maladjusted to society, he slowly devolves in a very unique way into a para-villain. As it turns out, Mary's assistant Alexa is actually one of his previous attempts to create this perfect human. She died at 82 from a slip in the shower and has come back as a young woman, hired by Mary with no knowledge of her background. She has a still-aging husband at home who she hopes to have this process done to so they can live a youthful life together again. Through her story, we not only realize that Otto is rather cold and calculating in his pursuit of a cure for his sister's disease, but that he is also easily manipulated. He discarded her for being imperfect before she had the chance to fully form her face and body, hence her unrecognizability. He also never told Mary about other attempts, very seldom keeping secrets from his twin. As said before, he wants to treat Jimmy as an experiment, but finds it increasingly difficult to accomplish when Mary starts forming a deeper connection with his "lab rat." The fear of being cut out from his current life with Mary pushes him to dismiss Jimmy as soon as Mary is cured, essentially giving the man the license to leave their home and go die in a dirty hobo-filled back alley.
When Mary rejects that twist from her brother, and dares teach Jimmy some twin speak to ask him to stay (he responds he doesn't want to go and she kinda gives him the feels), this infuriates Otto. Instead of staying and helping them continue to solve crimes, he flees to a competing company where the CEO wants his medical breakthrough info for himself so he can live forever. The problem is that this new CEO has been working with Alexa and discovered he doesn't have that special genetic marker to bring himself back from the dead. He believes that with time Otto will discover a way to do this for everybody, he simply needs a new test subject with the same genetic makeup as Jimmy. Lo and behold, who has the same genetic marker? Hint: It skips a generation.
Before we go to the last two episodes, let me stop and analyze the confusion about Otto's genius and Looking Glass. Most geniuses' knowledge concentrates in only one, maybe two subjects with a smattering of base info on other things. However, it seems that Otto's intellect truly knows no bounds. As mentioned, Looking Glass is a tech firm, yet the main thrust of the story has us believing that Otto has the medical science wherewithal to not only cure an incurable disease but to bring someone back to life younger and stronger than ever before. If overthought, some viewers might have a serious problem with this. While I'm not one of those viewers, I can see the distraction. It literally is akin to Steve Jobs or Bill Gates curing cancer personally, not just funding a cure. This touches on my complaint at the beginning of this TV season that modern TV is filled with far too many geniuses.
Back to the plot, did you figure it out yet? The hint I gave? The answer is his granddaughter, Gracie. Yes, Gracie becomes important later in the season when Otto decides to jump ship for the other company (again, it's a tech company but they want to venture into medical miracle cures, I guess). Otto's new "partner" orders Gracie kidnapped. Up until then it's a run-of-the-mill procedural but it gets really intense when we learn of the other "monsters" Otto has created and one is released. Gracie is taken and Otto shows little compassion for her as he knows that the extraction of the coveted DNA will likely result in her death, but... "eh!"Even worse, because Otto took away Arthur who controlled the release of Jimmy from his special Frankenstein rejuvenation tank, Mary had to break it open and destroy it. Now, Jimmy's living on borrowed time (as if he wasn't already) as his cells breakdown and weaken. What would happen if this fully occurred we are never allowed to see , though I would hope he exploded like Fat Bastard in Austin Powers. Wait, did Fat Bastard explode open from eating too much or did I make that up/am remembering it from something else? Maybe I'm thinking of the glutton in Seven? Whatever.
Duval loses his mind and goes rogue while trying to save his daughter, Jimmy uses some of his last superhuman skills to jump down onto an SUV and save his son from being "taken in" by the FBI. In the most heartbreaking twist of the series, Alexa's old and decrepit husband decides that his once-old-and-decrepit-but-now-young wife working with this new CEO (she was partially responsible for manipulating Otto against Mary, though, similar to in the film Batman v Superman with Lex Luthor, she didn't really need to do much as the divide was already happening naturally) is wrong. He figures he's lived long enough and decides to off himself in the worst way possible: self-immolation. Yeah, he lit himself on fire, because, you know... he was a Sanders fan through and through and really wanted to feel the Bern (bad joke? Yes. Admittedly, even I shook my head at me when I wrote it). Guess he just didn't have time to drive to a good bridge and toss himself off. He couldn't leave a body behind anyway as Alexa would've still just brought him back.
Alexa, the other "monster" and Jimmy.
Her heart and mind changed (in future seasons I can see her taking the true mantle of Frankenstein's bride and there being a love triangle amongst her, Jimmy and Mary, rather than the familial triangle with the latter two and Otto), she decides to help the gang save Gracie. She knew the facility and has her own goop chamber which doesn't look as cool and isn't sequenced to Jimmy's genome. While Mary works on cracking a code to let her re-sequence the chamber to Jimmy's DNA, he, Duval and Alexa do a barnstorming of the evil CEO's lab. OK, they don't storm so much as quietly sneak in which leads to Alexa finally displaying her superhuman strength, and a very weirdly half-sexual, half-scientific encounter between her and Otto.CEO guy plays a few tricks with Gracie as Duval and Jimmy capture Otto and seek to trade one for the other. Somehow, the baddies and Otto manage to escape with Gracie in-tow on a plane. Only then does Otto have his come-to-Jesus moment and realizes through reason that he is more a villain than savior to his sister. He orders Arthur (how the hell that computer goes everywhere he goes and controls everything is a mystery to me. It's more powerful than Iron Man's Jarvis) to fly the girl back home and does something crazy-cool to himself and the CEO which you can see with your own eyes.
At the end of the season, many things are left open for another season to take place with everything having uniquely changed. Mary left on a journey to find herself; Duval was thankful to his father for helping him save Gracie but decrees that he can't come around the family for a while until things with the FBI die down; Alexa is left to live with Jimmy in the house that the twins lived in where they both have ample access to money, zero bills, and a goop vat that works for both of them; and the thing that Jimmy fought so hard for the entire first season, his family and this new budding love, are both gone from his life, leaving him with only cases to possibly solve on his own. The pseudo-cliffhanger: Otto warns Mary of the possible future effects of the process he used on Jimmy. See, he tested it first on other animals, including fish as any good scientist would do. The fish, after being resurrected for some time, inexplicably turned deadly violent against other fish. He hadn't figured out a cure for this and knew it would eventually happen to Jimmy, too.
Gracie is the one on the right, in the yellow
That was a lot, wasn't it. Out of the ten episodes, it feels like I skipped over a lot of the episodes, like when Duval learned of his "half-brother" actually being his father or the other major plot points that turned out to be minor like Mary sleeping with the evil CEO. But I didn't find those that necessary to the review. Overall, my grade for the series is B. Surprisingly, I enjoyed this one. Again, if you're a TV WASP that only enjoys the highest of philosophical, theological or deep character studies, this probably isn't for you, but if you enjoy your procedural with a hint of sci-fi and a back-story in which all characters are allowed to grow and progress in different ways you may not be able to predict, then this might be for you. I legitimately did not see the whole Alexa side-plot coming, nor did I predict just how big it would be toward the end of the season.
Should you be watching? Well, yes. I say you should. Granted, it's far from perfect and has plenty of flaws both plot-wise and acting-wise, and not every character is given time to develop depth. It's a nice snacking show. Warning, many of the cases from week to week are forgettable if they don't uniquely apply to the overarching theme and story of the season played out amongst Otto, Mary and Jimmy, but you should enjoy yourself as you watch this lovable oaf try adjusting to life again when he wasn't anywhere near perfect living the first time around. I will use this little time to also mention that yes this show may have already had its season finale, but remember that it can still be caught OnDemand on most cable and satellite providers, as well as on FOX's website where you can catch the entire season. This is a way to vote with views on whether you want the show to return next year or not. I haven't checked the ratings (I know, I've been slacking on my homework) but remember that some low-rated series (see: Mr. Robot) come back so long as their fans are vocal enough and the costs low (this shouldn't have cost too much as the biggest effects it had involved Arthur the AI and a few lightning bolts). Until word comes out this summer, it isn't officially canceled (FOX has a knack for keeping certain shows on cough *Sleepy Hollow* cough), even with very low ratings.
What do you think? Did you watch Second Chance when it was on? If so, did you like it? If not, are you convinced to check it out after reading this review? Let me know in the comments below (hint: click the no comments button if you see no comments).
Check out my new 5-star comedy novel, Yep, I'm Totally Stalking My Ex-Boyfriend . #AhStalkingIf you’re looking for a scare, check the YA novel #AFuriousWind, the NA novel #DARKER, #BrandNewHome or the bizarre horror #ThePowerOfTen. For those interested in something a little more dramatic and adult, check out #TheWriter. The full first season is out NOW exclusively on Amazon; season 2 coming this summer. If you like fast action/crime check out #ADangerousLow. The sequel A New Low will be out in a few months. Join us on Goodreads to talk about books and TV, and subscribe to and follow my blog with that Google+ button to the right.
Until next time, "So, you're back from the dead. How does that make you feel?"'Well... redundant.'"Wow! So you've just been given a second chance to redo everything and you've already managed to find a way to suck at life. Interesting."
P.S. Like I emphasized, no I don't think the show was sucking at life. In fact, I found many of the things charming. I enjoyed how they did an ode back to Mary Shelley by naming Otto's sister Mary. I'd take the time to point out other easter eggs but Easter's over. So... yeah. And hey, aren't you glad I didn't ask you if FOX should give Second Chance a... second chance?
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All pictures courtesy of FOX unless otherwise noted'Sup, everybody! That's my new sign-in to make me sound hip and cool. Is it doin' things for ya, reader? I hope so. For the last few months I have been embroiled in a battle of seasonal preparation, sluggish writing, writer's apathy, an overly-long vacation and health issues. In all of that, I didn't get to cover many of the shows I was watching and missed sharing my thoughts on American Horror Story's finale (loved Gaga's performance, didn't care very much for the season; in fact, I thought Hotel drew a little too much from the first season AHS: House. Remember people who moved in there never really left either, not to mention a distant father, an erratic mother, an ignored child, and a younger child who everyone was going googly-eyed over. It felt like House from a different perspective). I also missed talking about many specials and some films I've seen (loved Grease! Live but as a Christian, I didn't too much care for The Passion. It felt long even though it was shorter than Grease, and it felt too talkie). But most importantly, I've been so busy writing (writing sequels is the worst) that I missed doing my 3 week roundup on many of the mid-season replacement shows. I managed one for The Family (#TheFamily), due mainly because of the speed in which it came out (three episodes in two weeks). However, other shows like You, Me and The Apocalypse and Second Chance weren't so lucky. Thankfully, many of these shows only had ten-episode orders, and wouldn't have been extended this season anyway. Their fates always relied on the strength of the ten episodes and would not be bolstered by three or four more episodes tacked on to the back-end, but would simply be decided in the summer. With that said, I feel comfortable doing a postmortem on these shows as they are still being considered for return next season (don't believe me, look at Wayward Pines and Secrets and Lies as examples from last season). Second Chance, you're on deck.
Obviously this will be a little different than a three week roundup where I dive into each episode. I'll begin with the premise and characters and work my way through.
Second Chance centers around two families, one Indian and the other white. The contrast should be stark but doesn't feel as such due to the way the story unfolds. The Indian (not Native American) family is comprised of two fraternal twins, one girl, one boy. Otto Goodwin, the boy, is an antisocial tech genius and founder of the company Looking Glass similar to Apple. Antisocial is probably not the proper word, though I forget exactly what word they used on the show. He's always understood and viewed the world differently. Like Einstein, he didn't speak for a very long time, at least not proper English; he and his sister have their own version of twintalk which they still utilize as adults. People, and to a greater extent the outside world, frighten him because of their unpredictability and uncontrollable variables. For this reason he spends life inside his home shared with his sister who is his primary caretaker of sorts.
His sister, Mary Goodwin (played by the scrumptious Dilshad Vadsaria) has always subbed for Otto's mouthpiece. The business-minded CEO of Looking Glass, she runs the company her brother fuels with his genius, a burgeoning billion dollar tech firm. I mention that it is a tech company again because of a thought that occurred to me later in the season that I'll address. The visual cue behind Looking Glass, Mary is often too busy taking care of her brother or his business to engage in any outside relationships. While she and her brother are helped throughout the series by a genius, Otto-created AI named Arthur and Mary's assistant Alexa (played by Vanessa Lengies who I also enjoy), they haven't much personal interaction outside of work. The kick of the series comes from Otto's love of and dependency on his sister. Years ago, doctors discovered that she was dying from an incurable, rare blood cancer, which has now become more aggressive. She has months to live. Otto has a plan to save his public surrogate, but it's gonna take a dead body. Pretty much all good plans start with a dead body, I guess... or, maybe that's just my plans. Uh, ignore that last statement.
The second family is pseudo-headed by Jimmy Pritchard. I say psuedo-headed by the 75-year-old man because he's not exactly favored by his two adult children. The subject of ire for his FBI agent son Duval, he enjoys razzing him about how bad of a job he's doing as an agent. Jimmy, in his younger years, was a policeman who made it all the way up to the sheriff's position before a forced retirement/resignation due to some bad police work. Now, he spends his days drinking and sitting in his raggedy old man apartment, and his nights, uh... drinking and sleeping with ladies of the night in his raggedy old man apartment. Duval's mother and Jimmy's former wife is long gone, not to mention he cheated on her when she was alive, so he doesn't have anyone outside of his kids and his granddaughter. His daughter, Duval's sister Helen is unfortunately never really flushed out even in an episode focusing on her rekindled passion with an old boyfriend from her teenage days. It's not completely clear, though it seems at times that she lives with her brother and his daughter and acts as a surrogate mother to the young teenage girl whose real mother isn't spoken of in great detail (she's dead... presumably). The girl's name is Gracie and she is the typical rebellious teen who doesn't think her overly-protective dad is right. Her rebellion plays into the end of the season in quite a predictable, but excusable way.How do these two families intersect? Remember that dead body? Turns out it's Jimmy's. When the cantankerous old man's police instincts kick-in one more time to try saving his son from corrupt bureau agents, he wanders into a situation that gets him tossed off a bridge. Granted, this was on the pilot which I always say, "never judge a show by its pilot alone because it's trying to get on with it too quickly and doesn't give enough time for anything to build," but this part of it made me roll my eyes. With all of the crime TV shows on air, this one had the audacity to make us believe that this old man being pushed over the bridge was actually ruled a suicide. Why was this laughable? Because he was found lying on his back. What? Not only that, but there were no footprints on the bridge from where he'd have to have climbed over the railing to jump. Most crime shows and even documentaries will tell you that when people decide to commit suicide by jumping off something, they go face-first, not on their back. The psychology behind this is far too high-grade for this blog, but just believe me when I say that it's very rare for law enforcement to rule the way he was found a suicide without a note or something, even accidental suicide. Don't believe me, google the HBO suicide documentary The Bridge, about San Francisco's famed Golden Gate Bridge. Over the course of a year they filmed people jumping (hopefully they found peace on the other side). Out of all the jumpers, only one I can remember did it backwards. But I digress.
Using their connections and manipulations of computer files, Otto and Mary get his body. Why? Because apparently Otto's plan hinges on a person having a certain genetic trait found only in less than 1% of the population. Jimmy has that marker. The plan? Use a never-fully-explained algorithm and medical concoction to resurrect Jimmy and create a near-perfect human being. Ladies and gentlemen, your new Frankenstein.Otto's creation is supposed to not only create a perfect human being from the remains of a dead one, but in its blood hold a Rosetta Stone of sorts for cures. A blood infusion from the newly resurrected Jimmy should help cure Mary of her cancer, and serve as a map for other cures of incurable diseases (goodbye cancer, HIV, diabetes, etc.). Though it isn't completely explained, it helps the body heal itself in some way, and can extend the life of the resurrected person, with a caveat. And that caveat is as big as Randy Jackson circa 2003 American Idol. On a cellular level, Jimmy will breakdown over a matter of 12 or so hours before he has to go back into a tank of goop, which, up until the last two episodes, seems to be there for no other reason than to show his manly chest partially naked every episode (a gift for you, ladies). And so starts our journey.
They get Jimmy and use some electrodes and the goop to bring him back and he comes back not only better, but significantly younger than when he died. While his age is never mentioned he looks somewhere between 30 and 40--younger than his son, Duval. Having not asked for such a blessing as a second chance at life, he isn't content to stay locked away in the twins' house in a specially-made replica of his old man apartment. These two highly intelligent (one a genius) people fumble worse than Tony Romo against the Seahawks when trying to contain their new creation. Not only does he break free from their house and gallivants around the city, he also discovers he has superhuman strength, agility and endurance, multiplying the extremes of such abilities ten times of what the normal human can accomplish. Not without their safety precautions, they have linked him into Arthur and the Looking Glass web system which is able to not only track, but monitor his vitals. After a little free-running, he collapses and they bring him back to explain his new situation. Since it is still his life and his blood they need to save Mary, they strike a deal. He wants to bring to justice the men who killed him as he believes his son is in danger. Otto, being the standoffish-science nerd he is, doesn't agree with this as he sees the man as nothing more than an experiment which can and needs to be controlled for Mary's safety. His sister doesn't agree and allows him leeway to pursue this justice so long as he safely returns to the home. In fact, she helps him by using Looking Glass to research these men. The Arthur AI, paired with Looking Glass' power is akin to combing Google with the FBI's inner-company servers. They get info on anything and anybody at any time. The one thing standing in Jimmy's way: his son, and the relationship Duval has with one of the men who killed him (his current FBI partner).We're gonna skip ahead here like one of those replays of live sports events that cut minutes of nothingness out because it's unnecessary. After catching his killers with the help of Mary and Duval, who still doesn't know that this is his dad brought back to life, Jimmy realizes that there are still other cases that he either had no time to solve the last time he was alive or he didn't have the resources to solve. New deal: allow him to help his son solve cases on a weekly basis, preferably at nine o'clock eastern standard time every Friday. He shares his blood with Mary once or twice every day, he hops into his tank of goo to sleep and replenish himself, Otto gets to keep his experiment going, and crimes get solved for the FBI. Now you're wondering, "Well, if Duval doesn't know who he is, then who does Jimmy say he is if they're working together?" Easy. His bastard son, you know, the one he had during one of his many affairs he had while married to Duval's mother. Isn't that just a sweet story and beautiful lie to tell your son? That you had an entire second life where you not only knew about this other out-of-wedlock child, but actually hung out with him at some of your favorite places like the Chinese bar where you used to smoke, drink and gamble when you were alive. Hell, the bar was such a staple of Jimmy's Sheriff routine that it has a picture of him hanging on the wall in his uni with a knife he used to gash the wood on the bar for every bad guy he personally caught.
Jimmy on the left, Duval on the rightThe fact that Duval doesn't know his own father is working with him as his CI for the first couple episodes is cute and kitschy as Jimmy happens to show up in random places just as Duval shows up waving his badge. They do the whole, "Wait a minute, you can't be here. You're a civilian," shtick and Jimmy saves his son more than a few times. Duval has no idea he's using billionaire tech Looking Glass to help nor does he know about his superhuman abilities but he suspects that something is up outside of the man being his long-lost brother who he isn't too happy to find.
Is this another police procedural/case-of-the-week show? Why yes, it is. But what makes it different from many of the other new procedurals from this 2015-2016 season is the family bond and the new twist on the Frankenstein paradigm. Jimmy is not an ugly ogre with little intelligence but a fully formed, perfect man. Argue the actor's looks all you want, he fits the role. The cases, unlike Minority Report (an ill-fated Fox show from earlier in the season) and Limitless (the still-running CBS procedural) aren't groundbreakingly new in the way of criminal craft, but they do advance the plot and help you better understand the characters. Many of the cases this season were linked invariably to the old Jimmy. One of the women he had an affair with in his old age turned out to be a car dealer on the surface and a drug kingpin in her secondary career. The Chinese bar/restaurant frequented by Jimmy is a hotbed for criminal activity, and how Duval suddenly does super well in solving cases with his new CI is also briefly touched upon. But it doesn't really get interesting until the changes in the main characters become apparent.The most significant change comes from Otto. Initially billed in the premiere as an innocent, family-loving genius maladjusted to society, he slowly devolves in a very unique way into a para-villain. As it turns out, Mary's assistant Alexa is actually one of his previous attempts to create this perfect human. She died at 82 from a slip in the shower and has come back as a young woman, hired by Mary with no knowledge of her background. She has a still-aging husband at home who she hopes to have this process done to so they can live a youthful life together again. Through her story, we not only realize that Otto is rather cold and calculating in his pursuit of a cure for his sister's disease, but that he is also easily manipulated. He discarded her for being imperfect before she had the chance to fully form her face and body, hence her unrecognizability. He also never told Mary about other attempts, very seldom keeping secrets from his twin. As said before, he wants to treat Jimmy as an experiment, but finds it increasingly difficult to accomplish when Mary starts forming a deeper connection with his "lab rat." The fear of being cut out from his current life with Mary pushes him to dismiss Jimmy as soon as Mary is cured, essentially giving the man the license to leave their home and go die in a dirty hobo-filled back alley.
When Mary rejects that twist from her brother, and dares teach Jimmy some twin speak to ask him to stay (he responds he doesn't want to go and she kinda gives him the feels), this infuriates Otto. Instead of staying and helping them continue to solve crimes, he flees to a competing company where the CEO wants his medical breakthrough info for himself so he can live forever. The problem is that this new CEO has been working with Alexa and discovered he doesn't have that special genetic marker to bring himself back from the dead. He believes that with time Otto will discover a way to do this for everybody, he simply needs a new test subject with the same genetic makeup as Jimmy. Lo and behold, who has the same genetic marker? Hint: It skips a generation.
Before we go to the last two episodes, let me stop and analyze the confusion about Otto's genius and Looking Glass. Most geniuses' knowledge concentrates in only one, maybe two subjects with a smattering of base info on other things. However, it seems that Otto's intellect truly knows no bounds. As mentioned, Looking Glass is a tech firm, yet the main thrust of the story has us believing that Otto has the medical science wherewithal to not only cure an incurable disease but to bring someone back to life younger and stronger than ever before. If overthought, some viewers might have a serious problem with this. While I'm not one of those viewers, I can see the distraction. It literally is akin to Steve Jobs or Bill Gates curing cancer personally, not just funding a cure. This touches on my complaint at the beginning of this TV season that modern TV is filled with far too many geniuses.
Back to the plot, did you figure it out yet? The hint I gave? The answer is his granddaughter, Gracie. Yes, Gracie becomes important later in the season when Otto decides to jump ship for the other company (again, it's a tech company but they want to venture into medical miracle cures, I guess). Otto's new "partner" orders Gracie kidnapped. Up until then it's a run-of-the-mill procedural but it gets really intense when we learn of the other "monsters" Otto has created and one is released. Gracie is taken and Otto shows little compassion for her as he knows that the extraction of the coveted DNA will likely result in her death, but... "eh!"Even worse, because Otto took away Arthur who controlled the release of Jimmy from his special Frankenstein rejuvenation tank, Mary had to break it open and destroy it. Now, Jimmy's living on borrowed time (as if he wasn't already) as his cells breakdown and weaken. What would happen if this fully occurred we are never allowed to see , though I would hope he exploded like Fat Bastard in Austin Powers. Wait, did Fat Bastard explode open from eating too much or did I make that up/am remembering it from something else? Maybe I'm thinking of the glutton in Seven? Whatever.
Duval loses his mind and goes rogue while trying to save his daughter, Jimmy uses some of his last superhuman skills to jump down onto an SUV and save his son from being "taken in" by the FBI. In the most heartbreaking twist of the series, Alexa's old and decrepit husband decides that his once-old-and-decrepit-but-now-young wife working with this new CEO (she was partially responsible for manipulating Otto against Mary, though, similar to in the film Batman v Superman with Lex Luthor, she didn't really need to do much as the divide was already happening naturally) is wrong. He figures he's lived long enough and decides to off himself in the worst way possible: self-immolation. Yeah, he lit himself on fire, because, you know... he was a Sanders fan through and through and really wanted to feel the Bern (bad joke? Yes. Admittedly, even I shook my head at me when I wrote it). Guess he just didn't have time to drive to a good bridge and toss himself off. He couldn't leave a body behind anyway as Alexa would've still just brought him back.
Alexa, the other "monster" and Jimmy.Her heart and mind changed (in future seasons I can see her taking the true mantle of Frankenstein's bride and there being a love triangle amongst her, Jimmy and Mary, rather than the familial triangle with the latter two and Otto), she decides to help the gang save Gracie. She knew the facility and has her own goop chamber which doesn't look as cool and isn't sequenced to Jimmy's genome. While Mary works on cracking a code to let her re-sequence the chamber to Jimmy's DNA, he, Duval and Alexa do a barnstorming of the evil CEO's lab. OK, they don't storm so much as quietly sneak in which leads to Alexa finally displaying her superhuman strength, and a very weirdly half-sexual, half-scientific encounter between her and Otto.CEO guy plays a few tricks with Gracie as Duval and Jimmy capture Otto and seek to trade one for the other. Somehow, the baddies and Otto manage to escape with Gracie in-tow on a plane. Only then does Otto have his come-to-Jesus moment and realizes through reason that he is more a villain than savior to his sister. He orders Arthur (how the hell that computer goes everywhere he goes and controls everything is a mystery to me. It's more powerful than Iron Man's Jarvis) to fly the girl back home and does something crazy-cool to himself and the CEO which you can see with your own eyes.
At the end of the season, many things are left open for another season to take place with everything having uniquely changed. Mary left on a journey to find herself; Duval was thankful to his father for helping him save Gracie but decrees that he can't come around the family for a while until things with the FBI die down; Alexa is left to live with Jimmy in the house that the twins lived in where they both have ample access to money, zero bills, and a goop vat that works for both of them; and the thing that Jimmy fought so hard for the entire first season, his family and this new budding love, are both gone from his life, leaving him with only cases to possibly solve on his own. The pseudo-cliffhanger: Otto warns Mary of the possible future effects of the process he used on Jimmy. See, he tested it first on other animals, including fish as any good scientist would do. The fish, after being resurrected for some time, inexplicably turned deadly violent against other fish. He hadn't figured out a cure for this and knew it would eventually happen to Jimmy, too.
Gracie is the one on the right, in the yellowThat was a lot, wasn't it. Out of the ten episodes, it feels like I skipped over a lot of the episodes, like when Duval learned of his "half-brother" actually being his father or the other major plot points that turned out to be minor like Mary sleeping with the evil CEO. But I didn't find those that necessary to the review. Overall, my grade for the series is B. Surprisingly, I enjoyed this one. Again, if you're a TV WASP that only enjoys the highest of philosophical, theological or deep character studies, this probably isn't for you, but if you enjoy your procedural with a hint of sci-fi and a back-story in which all characters are allowed to grow and progress in different ways you may not be able to predict, then this might be for you. I legitimately did not see the whole Alexa side-plot coming, nor did I predict just how big it would be toward the end of the season.
Should you be watching? Well, yes. I say you should. Granted, it's far from perfect and has plenty of flaws both plot-wise and acting-wise, and not every character is given time to develop depth. It's a nice snacking show. Warning, many of the cases from week to week are forgettable if they don't uniquely apply to the overarching theme and story of the season played out amongst Otto, Mary and Jimmy, but you should enjoy yourself as you watch this lovable oaf try adjusting to life again when he wasn't anywhere near perfect living the first time around. I will use this little time to also mention that yes this show may have already had its season finale, but remember that it can still be caught OnDemand on most cable and satellite providers, as well as on FOX's website where you can catch the entire season. This is a way to vote with views on whether you want the show to return next year or not. I haven't checked the ratings (I know, I've been slacking on my homework) but remember that some low-rated series (see: Mr. Robot) come back so long as their fans are vocal enough and the costs low (this shouldn't have cost too much as the biggest effects it had involved Arthur the AI and a few lightning bolts). Until word comes out this summer, it isn't officially canceled (FOX has a knack for keeping certain shows on cough *Sleepy Hollow* cough), even with very low ratings.
What do you think? Did you watch Second Chance when it was on? If so, did you like it? If not, are you convinced to check it out after reading this review? Let me know in the comments below (hint: click the no comments button if you see no comments).
Check out my new 5-star comedy novel, Yep, I'm Totally Stalking My Ex-Boyfriend . #AhStalkingIf you’re looking for a scare, check the YA novel #AFuriousWind, the NA novel #DARKER, #BrandNewHome or the bizarre horror #ThePowerOfTen. For those interested in something a little more dramatic and adult, check out #TheWriter. The full first season is out NOW exclusively on Amazon; season 2 coming this summer. If you like fast action/crime check out #ADangerousLow. The sequel A New Low will be out in a few months. Join us on Goodreads to talk about books and TV, and subscribe to and follow my blog with that Google+ button to the right.
Until next time, "So, you're back from the dead. How does that make you feel?"'Well... redundant.'"Wow! So you've just been given a second chance to redo everything and you've already managed to find a way to suck at life. Interesting."
P.S. Like I emphasized, no I don't think the show was sucking at life. In fact, I found many of the things charming. I enjoyed how they did an ode back to Mary Shelley by naming Otto's sister Mary. I'd take the time to point out other easter eggs but Easter's over. So... yeah. And hey, aren't you glad I didn't ask you if FOX should give Second Chance a... second chance?
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March 25, 2016
Off To A Good Start #Seedstarting #VegetableGardening #Gardening #Transplanting
Off To A Good Start #Seedstarting #VegetableGardening #Gardening #Transplanting
Vegetable Garden Beginning of the season 2015
Finally! You've read through post after post about gardening and vegetable gardening and what you should and shouldn't do to prepare. You read through the long, but very informative and helpful post about the things that you'll need if you want to make this gardening thing work, while limiting as little waste as you can, right? If not read, it at Tools For Gardening. You've even gone to other gardening websites that just say to throw the seeds out on the ground, water and watch them grow and figured, "Why the heck is this guy making everything so long, complicated and boring when it could all be so simple?" Well, because I want to not only grow good food, but save you money, and more importantly give you a method that works for both novice and experienced gardeners alike. I know this way renders fantastic results so long as you put in the work at the beginning, two months from now in middle-to-late May you'll be enjoying a beautiful garden that's off to a phenomenal start, with slightly less work put in than others who grew from seed. Also, you'll know precisely where your food comes from and what it's been treated with unlike people who buy from gardening shops, not that they're bad people. Hey, if this fails or you feel like giving everything up when one or all of your seeds dampen off, there's no harm, no foul and no shame in rushing to your nearest Lowe's to grab a pepper or tomato plant and plopping it into a plot. So long as it survives, it should serve it's purpose. But if you want something better, you usually have to grow from seed. And yes, maybe I have over-complicated things. Did I really need to explain every detail about compost, or about wind traffic in your home? No. But it'll come into play later, I promise. And is this paragraph way too long, violating nearly every English principle I learned in Spanish class? You bet. But I wasn't supposed to learn about English in Spanish class, even though comparatively, I did. So let's get this sucker a-goin'!
Previously on: r-u-notentertained.blogspot.com #Seedstarting!We started seeds for cruciferous and cold-hardy plants, including: broccoli, cauliflower, kale, collard greens, lettuce, brussel sprouts and the list goes on.Using the seeds pictured below, we took half-sheet paper towels, wet them, threw seeds in them, folded the paper towels and slid the moist towels into an open Ziploc bag.
We placed the bag in a warm place (not on a heating mat), like, in front of a gas fireplace, atop a refrigerator, or just on a table in a room no cooler than 70 degrees, making sure they stayed out of direct sunlight (definitely not in a windowsill).Jimmy fell down a well and is trapped in the wormy muck of a winter's cruel end, breathing its blistered breath upon Vern's back.Betty had a pie to bake but not enough peaches to do it.Paiges got turned and Words got red.And that damn dog Bartholemew keeps yapping about Jimmy. "Bark! Bark!"Will we ever return to the seeds? Will Jimmy be saved before he dies of frostbite or hypothermia? Will Betty actually be able to bake that pie? Who the hell taught this talking dog to yell bark? Will this ridiculously nauseating tangential stream of consciousness ever end? Let's find out!
GERMINATED SEEDLING TRANSPLANTING
To start I will point you once again to the post on Tools For Gardening where I went through a list of tools and supplies you'll need going forward. For those who have already gone through the list, I will briefly list the items once more so you can go and get them now!
You will need:
Multiple cups for however many things you plan to plant. Again, I would say that for every intended number of plants you want to grow, have double the amount of cups. Example: Want to plant 5 broccoli plants, have 10 cups ready (you should have germinated 10 seeds). Not all of your seeds will grow, but we'll plant 80-100% of what has.
A good seed-starting mix that is preferably soil-less. Again, sand and vermicompost or vermiculite (worm castings... sort of) can work for some things, though you may have to baby them even more than just getting a seed-starting mix.
A basin or water reserving tray to water stuff from the bottom. We don't want to drown the seedlings.
A full bottle of water. As stated many times before, it doesn't have to be store-bought (I already drank what was inside that bottle; the water you see is tap). You should let the water sit for a day at room temperature, but straight from the faucet is fine in many areas, so long as it is tepid or room temp--no hot or cold.
The lights as the newly planted seeds will need to go under them immediately.The actual germinated seeds, silly! We can't pot-up seeds without the actual germinated seeds, now can we?OPTIONAL:You may want to get a pen or pencil or something long and cylindrical to make a little divot in the seed-starting mix if you're too prissy to get your hands dirty this early in the season. I just use my finger, because, unlike Trump, I actually am a small-fingered vulgarian and proud of it.
You may also want to get some kind of scooper. While I would say a hand trowel is too big, a plastic spoon works. In fact, the other end of the spoon could be used for divot making. You can also just scoop out the soil with one of the cups. Either way, it doesn't matter.
Step 1.Open the bag (remember, it shouldn't have been sealed) and pull out your paper towels one at a time. You want to check how many seeds germinated in each towel. If you're organized, then you'll have labeled the bag with the name of that particular plant, this is why you do one paper towel at a time, putting it back after planting the germinated seeds. Looks amazing, doesn't it?
Count how many have germinated. If none, then place the towel back into the bag and move on to the next paper towel. It's OK. Not every seed germinates at the same rate. Keep going until you find some that do.
Step 2.Stop gazing at the seeds and being so amazed with yourself. Yeah, you grew somethin', big whoop! OK, take a little time to pat yourself on the back, but that's enough. Two, maybe three pats max! Now it's time to fill up the cups. Again, either scoop the cup into the bag of seed-starting mix or fill it to about 3/4ths the way by spooning it in. Yes, only fill it 3/4ths of the way. There's a reason for that.
Step 3.Place the cup inside the water reservoir (note: it should not have any water in it currently). Take your bottle of water and pour a few drops of water into the cup. For everything except sand, the mix will bubble and want to flow overtop. That's fine. Wait a minute and let the water drain through. If it hasn't drained after a minute, lift the cup, hold it over the reservoir and allow it to drain. With the cup filled only 3/4ths, no soil should spill. Take another dry cup or your spoon and scoop out a little more of the mix to cover the top fourth of the first cup. Return the cup to the basin.
Even when pouring the water in, not all of the starting mix will get wet.
Step 4.Now look at the germinated seedlings. You want to choose the strongest ones: ones with the greenest leaves, ones with the biggest leaves, ones with good roots (roots that are already spiking out or have more than just a taproot), and ones that have completely shed their hard-shell seed coating. Yes, it's tiny but you can see that the plants have burst from their seeds.
Here's where things get tricky, some argue that the oil on humans' hands will hurt the seedlings. I haven't found this to be true. So long as your hands have recently been thoroughly cleaned, they should be fine. Do not lotion them before doing this. Gently grab hold of the seed root near the leaves, and pull. The roots will have tried to bury themselves in the paper towel fabric. You want to lead it out of the fabric as delicately as you can until it is free. If the root is exceptionally long, don't worry about getting all of it out. So long as the root is fingernail's length and/or has other roots spiking off the taproot, it can recover.
Step 5.Once you have the root free from the paper towel, place it in the flat palm of your hand. With your other hand, make a tiny divot with your finger or with a pencil in the dry top soil of the prepared cup from step 3. If you only have one hand (not a joke. Some people don't have the luxury of two working appendages), then you can drop the entire seedling onto the top of the soil, then make the divot. Slip the seedling into the divot and cover its bottom tip (the white part) with soil, leaving the leaves above ground. Finally, pat the top mix down around it, just hard enough to make the dry "soil" start absorbing some of the water of the wet soil.And there you go. Repeat steps 1-5 until you have planted everything you wanted to plant for that session before continuing to step 6. Note: Some of the seeds will not have germinated. For those that haven't, place back in the bag and put the bag back where you had it until they germinate or until they start to rot and turn black. If they do the latter, then you have bad seeds that won't germinate. Sorry. It's still early enough in the season to go and buy more from a different company.
I apologize the basin is already dirty as this was the fourth transplant before I remembered to take pics.
You can use the end of the spoon (optional), to make sure the root is properly buried. Notice the mix looks wet.
Step 6.Once everything is planted, check the amount of water you have in the bottom of the reservoir. Lift one of the cups from out of the water. You want the water at its deepest to be no higher than the length of a modestly cut fingernail--from the skin to the tip--usually less than half an inch. If less, add more water directly to the basin and not to the cup, before replacing the cup. This should last for a full day and is the way you should water for the next two weeks.
Step 7.Take the reservoir with all the cups inside and place it under the fluorescent light. We want extremely close, no more than 1 to 2 inches of space between the bulb and plants. Seedlings crave light. Early inundation is a good thing, but they won't do well in window sunlight. That light isn't strong enough for them and doesn't provide enough heat. Plus, windows often seep heat and the seeds need to stay warm, however, this method does not call for a warming mat. So long as the lights are close, the seedlings won't need to be warmed.
These are established plants to show how close to the light they are. Some leaves are even touching.
And that's it. Leave the light on for no less than 12 hours (seems like a real power suck but it isn't as bad as you might think). No need to cover them for a greenhouse effect. The soil surface should look moist. You want to water them through the reservoir whenever the top starts to look crusted, hard or no longer shimmers. You're good either until you have to pot them up, something which you should only have to do for non-cold-hardy or summer plants like tomatoes and peppers, or until you have to start hardening them off which will be another week and a half to two weeks. Don't feed them anything but water. It would be a bad idea and could destroy your plants. They can't take too many nutrients this early. Nothing against non-organic gardening, but stuff like Miracle-Gro is too early (let's not get into a debate about the seed-starting mix). Lower them from the lights one inch for every two inches they grow. And you should soon have these tiny, but large seedlings.
What do you think? Is this informative to you? Is there anything about the process you aren't understanding? Are you not convinced that here-on out will be much easier and far less involved? Or can you just not wait to tear into your... uh, Kale? Brussel sprouts? Carrots? Well, what did you plant? Let me know in the comments below (hint: click the no comments button if you see no comments).Check out my new 5-star comedy novel, Yep, I'm Totally Stalking My Ex-Boyfriend . #AhStalkingIf you’re looking for a scare, check the YA novel #AFuriousWind, the NA novel #DARKER, #BrandNewHome or the bizarre horror #ThePowerOfTen. For those interested in something a little more dramatic and adult, check out #TheWriter. The full first season is out NOW exclusively on Amazon; season 2 coming this summer. If you like fast action/crime check out #ADangerousLow. The sequel A New Low will be out in a few months. Join us on Goodreads to talk about books and TV, and subscribe to and follow my blog with that Google+ button to the right.
Until next time, "Wow! That's a lot. I usually just throw my line out there and let them get a hold of that slippery worm."
P.S. Family Guy reference. Yes, it's lazy. It's the one where he was a fisherman and the guy switched his signs to say something perverse about how he caught the fish. I ain't got time, look it up! I was actually trying to impress the reason why I don't just throw the seeds out into the ground anymore (though I still do that for lettuce sometimes), and why I don't direct germinate the seeds in a soil-less mixture. I've seen tons of videos about seed-starting where they start seeds in a cup or a pre-fabricated tray--you can buy those at your local Wal-Mart and they do work wonderfully as I used one for the first two years--with seed-starting mix poured into the tray of, like 30 cells. They'll take three seeds and put them in one cell and expect to grow one plant from that cell. But then when the seeds germinate, they do what is called "thinning out" or pluck out the seedlings that did germinate but look the weakest. I find that to be a waste. For one, while beginners may feel fine with buying a seed packet for 1.48 at your local Wal-Mart (god, I mentioned that store twice. They really should pay me), and spreading out the entire pack or at least half of it trying to grow two, maybe three plants, you know no better. You're just happy something grew and produced food. But as you get better at growing, suddenly things like heirlooms and exquisite tastes of stranger vegetable varieties you want to try begin to seduce you. You suddenly start realizing that there's more than three varieties of watermelon: oblong, round and seedless. And while you might not have heard of a Janosik Watermelon before (delicious in my book), you suddenly wanna try this yellow-fleshed melon, because... I mean, it's yellow for goodness sake! And then you realize, "Holy cannoli, those seeds cost $3.00 plus shipping from online vendor." And suddenly you don't want to chance planting 9 seeds, 3 in one cup, to have them duke it out in survival of the fittest, and end up with one viable plant in the end. No, I use my method because when I do plant those more expensive seeds like melon seeds, I can put four seeds into a paper towel, and have three of them germinate and end up with three healthy plants by planting time (if they germinate at all; buyer beware). I'm a utilitarian and a minimalist, haste makes waste and he who wastes not, wants not. Therefore, I still have seed packets that I bought three years ago that still not only have viable seeds, but are plenteous just in case I want to give them away to family or friends who may want to start growing their own veggies.
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Vegetable Garden Beginning of the season 2015Finally! You've read through post after post about gardening and vegetable gardening and what you should and shouldn't do to prepare. You read through the long, but very informative and helpful post about the things that you'll need if you want to make this gardening thing work, while limiting as little waste as you can, right? If not read, it at Tools For Gardening. You've even gone to other gardening websites that just say to throw the seeds out on the ground, water and watch them grow and figured, "Why the heck is this guy making everything so long, complicated and boring when it could all be so simple?" Well, because I want to not only grow good food, but save you money, and more importantly give you a method that works for both novice and experienced gardeners alike. I know this way renders fantastic results so long as you put in the work at the beginning, two months from now in middle-to-late May you'll be enjoying a beautiful garden that's off to a phenomenal start, with slightly less work put in than others who grew from seed. Also, you'll know precisely where your food comes from and what it's been treated with unlike people who buy from gardening shops, not that they're bad people. Hey, if this fails or you feel like giving everything up when one or all of your seeds dampen off, there's no harm, no foul and no shame in rushing to your nearest Lowe's to grab a pepper or tomato plant and plopping it into a plot. So long as it survives, it should serve it's purpose. But if you want something better, you usually have to grow from seed. And yes, maybe I have over-complicated things. Did I really need to explain every detail about compost, or about wind traffic in your home? No. But it'll come into play later, I promise. And is this paragraph way too long, violating nearly every English principle I learned in Spanish class? You bet. But I wasn't supposed to learn about English in Spanish class, even though comparatively, I did. So let's get this sucker a-goin'!
Previously on: r-u-notentertained.blogspot.com #Seedstarting!We started seeds for cruciferous and cold-hardy plants, including: broccoli, cauliflower, kale, collard greens, lettuce, brussel sprouts and the list goes on.Using the seeds pictured below, we took half-sheet paper towels, wet them, threw seeds in them, folded the paper towels and slid the moist towels into an open Ziploc bag.
We placed the bag in a warm place (not on a heating mat), like, in front of a gas fireplace, atop a refrigerator, or just on a table in a room no cooler than 70 degrees, making sure they stayed out of direct sunlight (definitely not in a windowsill).Jimmy fell down a well and is trapped in the wormy muck of a winter's cruel end, breathing its blistered breath upon Vern's back.Betty had a pie to bake but not enough peaches to do it.Paiges got turned and Words got red.And that damn dog Bartholemew keeps yapping about Jimmy. "Bark! Bark!"Will we ever return to the seeds? Will Jimmy be saved before he dies of frostbite or hypothermia? Will Betty actually be able to bake that pie? Who the hell taught this talking dog to yell bark? Will this ridiculously nauseating tangential stream of consciousness ever end? Let's find out!GERMINATED SEEDLING TRANSPLANTING
To start I will point you once again to the post on Tools For Gardening where I went through a list of tools and supplies you'll need going forward. For those who have already gone through the list, I will briefly list the items once more so you can go and get them now!
You will need:
Multiple cups for however many things you plan to plant. Again, I would say that for every intended number of plants you want to grow, have double the amount of cups. Example: Want to plant 5 broccoli plants, have 10 cups ready (you should have germinated 10 seeds). Not all of your seeds will grow, but we'll plant 80-100% of what has.
A good seed-starting mix that is preferably soil-less. Again, sand and vermicompost or vermiculite (worm castings... sort of) can work for some things, though you may have to baby them even more than just getting a seed-starting mix.
A basin or water reserving tray to water stuff from the bottom. We don't want to drown the seedlings.
A full bottle of water. As stated many times before, it doesn't have to be store-bought (I already drank what was inside that bottle; the water you see is tap). You should let the water sit for a day at room temperature, but straight from the faucet is fine in many areas, so long as it is tepid or room temp--no hot or cold.
The lights as the newly planted seeds will need to go under them immediately.The actual germinated seeds, silly! We can't pot-up seeds without the actual germinated seeds, now can we?OPTIONAL:You may want to get a pen or pencil or something long and cylindrical to make a little divot in the seed-starting mix if you're too prissy to get your hands dirty this early in the season. I just use my finger, because, unlike Trump, I actually am a small-fingered vulgarian and proud of it.
You may also want to get some kind of scooper. While I would say a hand trowel is too big, a plastic spoon works. In fact, the other end of the spoon could be used for divot making. You can also just scoop out the soil with one of the cups. Either way, it doesn't matter.
Step 1.Open the bag (remember, it shouldn't have been sealed) and pull out your paper towels one at a time. You want to check how many seeds germinated in each towel. If you're organized, then you'll have labeled the bag with the name of that particular plant, this is why you do one paper towel at a time, putting it back after planting the germinated seeds. Looks amazing, doesn't it?
Count how many have germinated. If none, then place the towel back into the bag and move on to the next paper towel. It's OK. Not every seed germinates at the same rate. Keep going until you find some that do.
Step 2.Stop gazing at the seeds and being so amazed with yourself. Yeah, you grew somethin', big whoop! OK, take a little time to pat yourself on the back, but that's enough. Two, maybe three pats max! Now it's time to fill up the cups. Again, either scoop the cup into the bag of seed-starting mix or fill it to about 3/4ths the way by spooning it in. Yes, only fill it 3/4ths of the way. There's a reason for that.
Step 3.Place the cup inside the water reservoir (note: it should not have any water in it currently). Take your bottle of water and pour a few drops of water into the cup. For everything except sand, the mix will bubble and want to flow overtop. That's fine. Wait a minute and let the water drain through. If it hasn't drained after a minute, lift the cup, hold it over the reservoir and allow it to drain. With the cup filled only 3/4ths, no soil should spill. Take another dry cup or your spoon and scoop out a little more of the mix to cover the top fourth of the first cup. Return the cup to the basin.
Even when pouring the water in, not all of the starting mix will get wet. Step 4.Now look at the germinated seedlings. You want to choose the strongest ones: ones with the greenest leaves, ones with the biggest leaves, ones with good roots (roots that are already spiking out or have more than just a taproot), and ones that have completely shed their hard-shell seed coating. Yes, it's tiny but you can see that the plants have burst from their seeds.
Here's where things get tricky, some argue that the oil on humans' hands will hurt the seedlings. I haven't found this to be true. So long as your hands have recently been thoroughly cleaned, they should be fine. Do not lotion them before doing this. Gently grab hold of the seed root near the leaves, and pull. The roots will have tried to bury themselves in the paper towel fabric. You want to lead it out of the fabric as delicately as you can until it is free. If the root is exceptionally long, don't worry about getting all of it out. So long as the root is fingernail's length and/or has other roots spiking off the taproot, it can recover.
Step 5.Once you have the root free from the paper towel, place it in the flat palm of your hand. With your other hand, make a tiny divot with your finger or with a pencil in the dry top soil of the prepared cup from step 3. If you only have one hand (not a joke. Some people don't have the luxury of two working appendages), then you can drop the entire seedling onto the top of the soil, then make the divot. Slip the seedling into the divot and cover its bottom tip (the white part) with soil, leaving the leaves above ground. Finally, pat the top mix down around it, just hard enough to make the dry "soil" start absorbing some of the water of the wet soil.And there you go. Repeat steps 1-5 until you have planted everything you wanted to plant for that session before continuing to step 6. Note: Some of the seeds will not have germinated. For those that haven't, place back in the bag and put the bag back where you had it until they germinate or until they start to rot and turn black. If they do the latter, then you have bad seeds that won't germinate. Sorry. It's still early enough in the season to go and buy more from a different company.
I apologize the basin is already dirty as this was the fourth transplant before I remembered to take pics.
You can use the end of the spoon (optional), to make sure the root is properly buried. Notice the mix looks wet.
Step 6.Once everything is planted, check the amount of water you have in the bottom of the reservoir. Lift one of the cups from out of the water. You want the water at its deepest to be no higher than the length of a modestly cut fingernail--from the skin to the tip--usually less than half an inch. If less, add more water directly to the basin and not to the cup, before replacing the cup. This should last for a full day and is the way you should water for the next two weeks.
Step 7.Take the reservoir with all the cups inside and place it under the fluorescent light. We want extremely close, no more than 1 to 2 inches of space between the bulb and plants. Seedlings crave light. Early inundation is a good thing, but they won't do well in window sunlight. That light isn't strong enough for them and doesn't provide enough heat. Plus, windows often seep heat and the seeds need to stay warm, however, this method does not call for a warming mat. So long as the lights are close, the seedlings won't need to be warmed.
These are established plants to show how close to the light they are. Some leaves are even touching. And that's it. Leave the light on for no less than 12 hours (seems like a real power suck but it isn't as bad as you might think). No need to cover them for a greenhouse effect. The soil surface should look moist. You want to water them through the reservoir whenever the top starts to look crusted, hard or no longer shimmers. You're good either until you have to pot them up, something which you should only have to do for non-cold-hardy or summer plants like tomatoes and peppers, or until you have to start hardening them off which will be another week and a half to two weeks. Don't feed them anything but water. It would be a bad idea and could destroy your plants. They can't take too many nutrients this early. Nothing against non-organic gardening, but stuff like Miracle-Gro is too early (let's not get into a debate about the seed-starting mix). Lower them from the lights one inch for every two inches they grow. And you should soon have these tiny, but large seedlings.
What do you think? Is this informative to you? Is there anything about the process you aren't understanding? Are you not convinced that here-on out will be much easier and far less involved? Or can you just not wait to tear into your... uh, Kale? Brussel sprouts? Carrots? Well, what did you plant? Let me know in the comments below (hint: click the no comments button if you see no comments).Check out my new 5-star comedy novel, Yep, I'm Totally Stalking My Ex-Boyfriend . #AhStalkingIf you’re looking for a scare, check the YA novel #AFuriousWind, the NA novel #DARKER, #BrandNewHome or the bizarre horror #ThePowerOfTen. For those interested in something a little more dramatic and adult, check out #TheWriter. The full first season is out NOW exclusively on Amazon; season 2 coming this summer. If you like fast action/crime check out #ADangerousLow. The sequel A New Low will be out in a few months. Join us on Goodreads to talk about books and TV, and subscribe to and follow my blog with that Google+ button to the right.
Until next time, "Wow! That's a lot. I usually just throw my line out there and let them get a hold of that slippery worm."
P.S. Family Guy reference. Yes, it's lazy. It's the one where he was a fisherman and the guy switched his signs to say something perverse about how he caught the fish. I ain't got time, look it up! I was actually trying to impress the reason why I don't just throw the seeds out into the ground anymore (though I still do that for lettuce sometimes), and why I don't direct germinate the seeds in a soil-less mixture. I've seen tons of videos about seed-starting where they start seeds in a cup or a pre-fabricated tray--you can buy those at your local Wal-Mart and they do work wonderfully as I used one for the first two years--with seed-starting mix poured into the tray of, like 30 cells. They'll take three seeds and put them in one cell and expect to grow one plant from that cell. But then when the seeds germinate, they do what is called "thinning out" or pluck out the seedlings that did germinate but look the weakest. I find that to be a waste. For one, while beginners may feel fine with buying a seed packet for 1.48 at your local Wal-Mart (god, I mentioned that store twice. They really should pay me), and spreading out the entire pack or at least half of it trying to grow two, maybe three plants, you know no better. You're just happy something grew and produced food. But as you get better at growing, suddenly things like heirlooms and exquisite tastes of stranger vegetable varieties you want to try begin to seduce you. You suddenly start realizing that there's more than three varieties of watermelon: oblong, round and seedless. And while you might not have heard of a Janosik Watermelon before (delicious in my book), you suddenly wanna try this yellow-fleshed melon, because... I mean, it's yellow for goodness sake! And then you realize, "Holy cannoli, those seeds cost $3.00 plus shipping from online vendor." And suddenly you don't want to chance planting 9 seeds, 3 in one cup, to have them duke it out in survival of the fittest, and end up with one viable plant in the end. No, I use my method because when I do plant those more expensive seeds like melon seeds, I can put four seeds into a paper towel, and have three of them germinate and end up with three healthy plants by planting time (if they germinate at all; buyer beware). I'm a utilitarian and a minimalist, haste makes waste and he who wastes not, wants not. Therefore, I still have seed packets that I bought three years ago that still not only have viable seeds, but are plenteous just in case I want to give them away to family or friends who may want to start growing their own veggies.
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March 23, 2016
A Word On Composting #VegetableGardening #SpringPrep #Gardening
A Word On Composting #VegetableGardening #SpringPrep #Gardening
My compost pile December 2015... The Beginning
So, it is spring. As I have stated before, now is the time for spring garden preparation. One of the biggest advantages to starting all of your seeds indoors as I did in my seed starting post (#SeedStarting--click for tips and tricks on how to do that) is that even for cold-hardy plants, they can get a jump on growing as you clean and clear out your garden space, especially if you're a first-time gardener, and especially especially ("oh my god! He used two especiallys. Where's the grammar gestapo?") if you're not a first time gardener and gardened in the same place the previous year. "But wait, I, as an experienced gardener, use the back to Eden method or blah blah blah. I don't need to clean anything." Maybe... or maybe not.
Why the need to clean up an area? Well, I can't speak specifically for you, but I can tell you what it has been for me. For one, while I have a large front and back yard where I live, I can't say the same thing for everyone. Many people who may want to garden might not have that much space. I wanna say I have half an acre but I'm not sure. Even with that, I still want a backyard to run free in for when kids visit or whatnot, and I especially don't want to have everything just be a muddy mess in the spring or over the winter after I am done gardening. Therefore, I keep a lawn (organically treated), though, in the event of the apocalypse, I can see myself easily ripping it all out and growing nothing but food. For now, it works fine.
What does that mean? Simple! I confine my gardens to small spaces. I have figured out a way to maximize the space while maintaining a sense of beauty. This, however, does make the space pull double-duty during the off-season. The same growing space during the season, I use as the dumping ground for my compost over the winter.
To weigh a few pros and cons, one of the big pros is that using the same space where I will plant as the place to put my winter compost is beneficial to the ground. My compost consists mostly of leaves, grass clippings, coffee grounds and food waste, a lot of which comes from last season's uneaten edible garden waste. This means that I don't have to put down a tarp underneath and worry about the ground staining, I don't have to have a barrel or a tumbler that will be too heavy to turn if it gets snow on it. It also means that as the compost sits on the ground, regardless of whether it is actively hot composting or not, it draws bugs from the ground.
This was the same compost pile after a week. Notice the darker color and fewer discernible leaves.
Huh? But, it doesn't do that in the winter, right? Wrong. Even some experienced gardeners still believe that when the compost has gone completely cold, it supplies no nutrients for the bugs and insects that break it down, nor warmth for them to stay close to the surface. In fact, I've found the typical earthworm will still stay not only close to the surface, but will crawl deep into the center of the pile even as it has gone cold in the middle of the winter. Granted, all of the bug and bacterial activity will slow; however, that creates a great petri dish for the thing that many gardeners are missing in their soil: fungal activity. That's right, we forget in all of this bacterial melee to invite the fungi to the party. Ha! I just made a gardener's funny. It's a classic joke. You didn't laugh? Well, you'd have to be a gardener to--oh, you are a gardener? Right. I forgot. Well, you probably just need to grow your sense of humor to include more stupidity. Moving along.
You ever left something like rice or a cooked food in your fridge for too long, then came back and found it all moldy? Well, actually that is not just mold growing on there, but a mixture of fungus and bacterial spores. As Frankenstein once said, "It's alive!" However, good fungus, unlike most good bacteria, can still thrive in colder temperatures. They like it wet, but then again, don't we all? Eww! Did I just make a dirty joke in the middle of a compost post? No! Get your mind out of the gutter.
See, when you stack your compost up into a big pile over the winter (again, no less than 3x3x3 feet) and you turn it a few times before it gets too cold for you to go out and do that, especially after your Aunt Anne came over with her homemade heavy-as-a-newborn-baby fruitcake and lovingly forced you to try some, and you know you can't turn Aunt Anne because she so old that she dated Methuselah and watched God create dirt (#HappyPalmSunday to you Christians out there), and somehow, with her bony Skeletor hands she mixed, chopped and baked her way to holiday delight, when you come back to that pile in the spring, you see all of these really dark leaves that haven't been composted but changed. Most people will automatically assume, well, that's because they were close to the bacteria, but in actuality it was the fungus trying to break them down and survive, spreading their spores and hoping for a spring rebirth. Unfortunately, that rebirth rarely happens because as soon as you come out, what do you do? Turn the pile again, bringing in the bacteria which then heats it up and destroys any and all fungus. So that, my friends, is another benefit to composting on the same ground where I'll be growing: the fungus will remain in a thin layer of leaves and soil when I move the pile.
Unfortunately, it is that last part of that long paragraph that is the biggest con or psuedo-con. Before I can plant anything, especially cold-hardy veggies that can thrive in the cold dampness of Northeast Ohio in March, I either have to move the compost out completely or simply start everything in doors. The big problem here is that since it was winter, it took longer for the pile to warm-up, meaning that it took longer for it to break down, meaning that even with some of my best efforts, I still have a half-decomposed pile of organic waste sitting in my gardening space.
Even worse, because I have composted over the winter instead of the summer, my cold-hardy plants will get little to none of the new compost because it's still a month away from being ready. Therefore, I tend to move the compost to the lawn for about two to three weeks as I prepare my gardening space. Now, I say that this is a psuedo-con because of the fact that if you are winter composting and want the compost for the coming season, chances are that you will have to move or flip your compost the first chance you get in spring anyway. At least with my method, you may not have to transport it to a far-off location from it's bin to the place in the garden you'll ultimately need it. Also, I've found that taking a look at the ground on which your compost sat during the winter is a great indication of your garden's health. When peeling back this year's garden pile, I found a ton of worms having an, uh... well, a very, um... well, they certainly were enjoying #HappyInternationalHappinessDay in their own little way. This means that while the ground was cold, they stayed warm enough to not only continue eating and making vermicompost throughout winter, but my spring will be filled with a ton of new baby worms ready to make my garden amazing (#MakeMyGardenGreatAgain).
The question now is, what do I do for gardening prep? Well, outside of clearing out any overwintered weeds, I also check for potential drainage problems. Heavy snow or rains, the ground freezing and unfreezing, and animals or bugs making large divots in the ground during the winter can wreak havoc on the next year's growing patterns. You might have had a fantastic soil last year using mulch, leaves or the Back To Eden gardening method (if you're a beginner and have never heard about it, don't worry about it now, I'll talk about it sometime later in the season), but due to the things I mentioned, a great deal of your good soil could be washed away this spring. That's why it's so good to check. Also, during this time you may want to take a soil sample if you're a beginner or this is only your second or third time doing this. Soil samples can tell you the pH of your soil and alert you to any mineral deficiencies you might have that will effect your plants later in the season.
As you can see, I have my tarp laid on the lawn to the left with the pile.
Lastly, I tend to use this time to burn anything from the previous season that might not have broken down at all or that I suspected had diseases. Leaves I never composted and don't plan to mulch, some food waste that's hard to compost like bread or egg shells and sometimes even some junkmail. Note: The junkmail burned is not put into the food garden but into the ornamental gardens in the front or at the very back of the house. White envelopes can contain chemicals that may be harmful in large doses to both the plant and to you. It should also be pointed out that burning stuff can add a minimal amount of pollutants into the environment which is why it should only be done once a year, if at all. Consult your local environmental office (usually you can also ask a police officer) to see if it is legal to burn things in your area.
To conclude, compost is a great benefit to your soil even before it has finished. While nothing or few things are out in the garden now, take this time to either start a compost or finish your winter compost, keeping close watch over it in the coming weeks. With proper care, it should be ready for use come late April--planting time for most people.
What do you think? Would you still prefer not to compost as it gets too messy and you never do it quite right? Does it take too dang long when you need it right away? Or are you a big proponent of composting? If so, where do you compost: on the spot or in another area? And why do you do it where you do it? Let me know in the comments below (hint: click the no comments button if you see no comments).
Check out my new 5-star comedy novel, Yep, I'm Totally Stalking My Ex-Boyfriend . #AhStalkingIf you’re looking for a scare, check the YA novel #AFuriousWind, the NA novel #DARKER, #BrandNewHome or the bizarre horror #ThePowerOfTen. For those interested in something a little more dramatic and adult, check out #TheWriter. The full first season is out NOW exclusively on Amazon; season 2 coming this summer. If you like fast action/crime check out #ADangerousLow. The sequel A New Low will be out in a few months. Join us on Goodreads to talk about books and TV, and subscribe to and follow my blog with that Google+ button to the right.
Until next time, "It's a dirty job but someone's gotta do it! Whoa-oh-oh! Hi! I'm Mike Rowe, and this is Dirty Jobs."
P.S. Sigh! All this talk of dirt and composting and grime and gook got me so nostalgic for Discovery channel's Dirty Jobs. I really used to love that show. I watched nearly every episode. Ah well, I guess there weren't enough dirty jobs in America. I blame outsourcing.
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My compost pile December 2015... The BeginningSo, it is spring. As I have stated before, now is the time for spring garden preparation. One of the biggest advantages to starting all of your seeds indoors as I did in my seed starting post (#SeedStarting--click for tips and tricks on how to do that) is that even for cold-hardy plants, they can get a jump on growing as you clean and clear out your garden space, especially if you're a first-time gardener, and especially especially ("oh my god! He used two especiallys. Where's the grammar gestapo?") if you're not a first time gardener and gardened in the same place the previous year. "But wait, I, as an experienced gardener, use the back to Eden method or blah blah blah. I don't need to clean anything." Maybe... or maybe not.
Why the need to clean up an area? Well, I can't speak specifically for you, but I can tell you what it has been for me. For one, while I have a large front and back yard where I live, I can't say the same thing for everyone. Many people who may want to garden might not have that much space. I wanna say I have half an acre but I'm not sure. Even with that, I still want a backyard to run free in for when kids visit or whatnot, and I especially don't want to have everything just be a muddy mess in the spring or over the winter after I am done gardening. Therefore, I keep a lawn (organically treated), though, in the event of the apocalypse, I can see myself easily ripping it all out and growing nothing but food. For now, it works fine.
What does that mean? Simple! I confine my gardens to small spaces. I have figured out a way to maximize the space while maintaining a sense of beauty. This, however, does make the space pull double-duty during the off-season. The same growing space during the season, I use as the dumping ground for my compost over the winter.
To weigh a few pros and cons, one of the big pros is that using the same space where I will plant as the place to put my winter compost is beneficial to the ground. My compost consists mostly of leaves, grass clippings, coffee grounds and food waste, a lot of which comes from last season's uneaten edible garden waste. This means that I don't have to put down a tarp underneath and worry about the ground staining, I don't have to have a barrel or a tumbler that will be too heavy to turn if it gets snow on it. It also means that as the compost sits on the ground, regardless of whether it is actively hot composting or not, it draws bugs from the ground.
This was the same compost pile after a week. Notice the darker color and fewer discernible leaves.Huh? But, it doesn't do that in the winter, right? Wrong. Even some experienced gardeners still believe that when the compost has gone completely cold, it supplies no nutrients for the bugs and insects that break it down, nor warmth for them to stay close to the surface. In fact, I've found the typical earthworm will still stay not only close to the surface, but will crawl deep into the center of the pile even as it has gone cold in the middle of the winter. Granted, all of the bug and bacterial activity will slow; however, that creates a great petri dish for the thing that many gardeners are missing in their soil: fungal activity. That's right, we forget in all of this bacterial melee to invite the fungi to the party. Ha! I just made a gardener's funny. It's a classic joke. You didn't laugh? Well, you'd have to be a gardener to--oh, you are a gardener? Right. I forgot. Well, you probably just need to grow your sense of humor to include more stupidity. Moving along.
You ever left something like rice or a cooked food in your fridge for too long, then came back and found it all moldy? Well, actually that is not just mold growing on there, but a mixture of fungus and bacterial spores. As Frankenstein once said, "It's alive!" However, good fungus, unlike most good bacteria, can still thrive in colder temperatures. They like it wet, but then again, don't we all? Eww! Did I just make a dirty joke in the middle of a compost post? No! Get your mind out of the gutter.
See, when you stack your compost up into a big pile over the winter (again, no less than 3x3x3 feet) and you turn it a few times before it gets too cold for you to go out and do that, especially after your Aunt Anne came over with her homemade heavy-as-a-newborn-baby fruitcake and lovingly forced you to try some, and you know you can't turn Aunt Anne because she so old that she dated Methuselah and watched God create dirt (#HappyPalmSunday to you Christians out there), and somehow, with her bony Skeletor hands she mixed, chopped and baked her way to holiday delight, when you come back to that pile in the spring, you see all of these really dark leaves that haven't been composted but changed. Most people will automatically assume, well, that's because they were close to the bacteria, but in actuality it was the fungus trying to break them down and survive, spreading their spores and hoping for a spring rebirth. Unfortunately, that rebirth rarely happens because as soon as you come out, what do you do? Turn the pile again, bringing in the bacteria which then heats it up and destroys any and all fungus. So that, my friends, is another benefit to composting on the same ground where I'll be growing: the fungus will remain in a thin layer of leaves and soil when I move the pile.
Unfortunately, it is that last part of that long paragraph that is the biggest con or psuedo-con. Before I can plant anything, especially cold-hardy veggies that can thrive in the cold dampness of Northeast Ohio in March, I either have to move the compost out completely or simply start everything in doors. The big problem here is that since it was winter, it took longer for the pile to warm-up, meaning that it took longer for it to break down, meaning that even with some of my best efforts, I still have a half-decomposed pile of organic waste sitting in my gardening space.
Even worse, because I have composted over the winter instead of the summer, my cold-hardy plants will get little to none of the new compost because it's still a month away from being ready. Therefore, I tend to move the compost to the lawn for about two to three weeks as I prepare my gardening space. Now, I say that this is a psuedo-con because of the fact that if you are winter composting and want the compost for the coming season, chances are that you will have to move or flip your compost the first chance you get in spring anyway. At least with my method, you may not have to transport it to a far-off location from it's bin to the place in the garden you'll ultimately need it. Also, I've found that taking a look at the ground on which your compost sat during the winter is a great indication of your garden's health. When peeling back this year's garden pile, I found a ton of worms having an, uh... well, a very, um... well, they certainly were enjoying #HappyInternationalHappinessDay in their own little way. This means that while the ground was cold, they stayed warm enough to not only continue eating and making vermicompost throughout winter, but my spring will be filled with a ton of new baby worms ready to make my garden amazing (#MakeMyGardenGreatAgain).
The question now is, what do I do for gardening prep? Well, outside of clearing out any overwintered weeds, I also check for potential drainage problems. Heavy snow or rains, the ground freezing and unfreezing, and animals or bugs making large divots in the ground during the winter can wreak havoc on the next year's growing patterns. You might have had a fantastic soil last year using mulch, leaves or the Back To Eden gardening method (if you're a beginner and have never heard about it, don't worry about it now, I'll talk about it sometime later in the season), but due to the things I mentioned, a great deal of your good soil could be washed away this spring. That's why it's so good to check. Also, during this time you may want to take a soil sample if you're a beginner or this is only your second or third time doing this. Soil samples can tell you the pH of your soil and alert you to any mineral deficiencies you might have that will effect your plants later in the season.
As you can see, I have my tarp laid on the lawn to the left with the pile. Lastly, I tend to use this time to burn anything from the previous season that might not have broken down at all or that I suspected had diseases. Leaves I never composted and don't plan to mulch, some food waste that's hard to compost like bread or egg shells and sometimes even some junkmail. Note: The junkmail burned is not put into the food garden but into the ornamental gardens in the front or at the very back of the house. White envelopes can contain chemicals that may be harmful in large doses to both the plant and to you. It should also be pointed out that burning stuff can add a minimal amount of pollutants into the environment which is why it should only be done once a year, if at all. Consult your local environmental office (usually you can also ask a police officer) to see if it is legal to burn things in your area.
To conclude, compost is a great benefit to your soil even before it has finished. While nothing or few things are out in the garden now, take this time to either start a compost or finish your winter compost, keeping close watch over it in the coming weeks. With proper care, it should be ready for use come late April--planting time for most people.
What do you think? Would you still prefer not to compost as it gets too messy and you never do it quite right? Does it take too dang long when you need it right away? Or are you a big proponent of composting? If so, where do you compost: on the spot or in another area? And why do you do it where you do it? Let me know in the comments below (hint: click the no comments button if you see no comments).
Check out my new 5-star comedy novel, Yep, I'm Totally Stalking My Ex-Boyfriend . #AhStalkingIf you’re looking for a scare, check the YA novel #AFuriousWind, the NA novel #DARKER, #BrandNewHome or the bizarre horror #ThePowerOfTen. For those interested in something a little more dramatic and adult, check out #TheWriter. The full first season is out NOW exclusively on Amazon; season 2 coming this summer. If you like fast action/crime check out #ADangerousLow. The sequel A New Low will be out in a few months. Join us on Goodreads to talk about books and TV, and subscribe to and follow my blog with that Google+ button to the right.
Until next time, "It's a dirty job but someone's gotta do it! Whoa-oh-oh! Hi! I'm Mike Rowe, and this is Dirty Jobs."
P.S. Sigh! All this talk of dirt and composting and grime and gook got me so nostalgic for Discovery channel's Dirty Jobs. I really used to love that show. I watched nearly every episode. Ah well, I guess there weren't enough dirty jobs in America. I blame outsourcing.
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Twitter@filmbooksbball
March 22, 2016
Maximizing Your Spring Vegetable Growing By Starting Inside #SeedStarting #VegetableGardening #Gardening #SpringPrep
Maximizing Your Spring Vegetable Growing By Starting Inside #SeedStarting #VegetableGardening #Gardening #SpringPrep
This was my garden at the very beginning of 2015, last season. Those colorful things at the left are lettuce.
Greetings readers and fellow gardeners and people who are just curious about growing stuff. Spring time has officially arrived, which means that you are already late in getting your garden together. Yeah, you're late. Feel ashamed! "Hey! That's rude." Alright, fine, reader. You don't have to feel ashamed... I simply reserve the right to pass harsh judgment upon you from a digital distance. But fear not. For while we all have our crosses to bear (Hi, Jesus; Ha! Easter shout out! Since I do believe, I'm probably goin' to hell for that one), know that it is never too late to start your preparations for veggie gardening dominance. Sure, you might not grow everything you want *cough* cold-hardy crops like potatoes *cough*, but you will be able to grow some stuff. The best way to get a seasonal head start is by starting everything indoors.
As stated in a few other posts, I live in Northeast Ohio (NEO for short. Yes, we are the one), which often comes with harsh winters. While last winter was fairly mild due to both global warming and El Nino (you can doubt one but you can't doubt both), it still had its own fashions of brutality. For instance, while all last week was quite warm--50s, lower 60s--Sunday, the first official day of spring, it snowed. Like... what? Complete and total ridicurusness! Just ridicurus! That makes it hard to predict if we'll have a killing frost to wipe out even some of my most cold-hardy crops, or if I can start throwing stuff like lettuce and broccoli out in the garden now. On top of that, I still have a ton of garden prep to do before the garden is suitable for plants. While I do that, I grow everything inside to give my plants a jump start.
"Well, that sounds simple," one might say. Sure, if you're not a first-time grower and have your very own grow room with thousand dollar lights, a wind machine and the whole shi-bang! But if you don't have that, or are a novice, it can start simple and get daunting really quickly. Having already put out the seed-starting post a week ago, I will now let you know what you need/should have before you begin transplanting those little germinated seedlings. Again, this is a companion post to the seed-starting post from a week ago. If you haven't read that, you can click on the #SeedStarting button in the title above.
To start, determine where in your house you can and will grow. A great deal will be determined by things that may be out of your control like light fixtures or plugs, temperature and human traffic. Other factors, such as how long you'll keep your plants inside will also weigh heavily on this decision and weather. For beginners that may seem like a lot and it kinda is, but once you get into a rhythm of things, it really isn't.
"God, your post are always filled with such dross and drivel. Just tell me what I wanna know!" Well, excuse me, angry reader, for trying to have a little playful banter before I start things. But I guess since you don't like all the foreplay, I'll get right to it.
The most important thing you'll need in growing inside is a light source. No, your windowsill won't do... yet. For one, while we've already done daylight savings, the earth doesn't know that. Days remain shorter than they will be in April and May, meaning that the seedlings which require copious amounts of UVs to grow large and healthy won't get as much as they should, especially through the glass pane of the window. Instead, what you'll need is a fluorescent light. It doesn't have to be a high-powered halogen, just a normal store fluorescent that you can buy at any home improvement store. I would suggest getting the longer ones as they will be better able to "feed" a large swath of plants. If you'd rather not mess with any electricity in your house, you can also just buy a separate light fixture or a lamp under which to concentrate the plants, such as this:
Excuse the dustiness.
The above is a blacklight solo light uh... thingy (this came from Spencer's Gifts). The proper name escapes me but you get the gist. This can be easily screwed into the wall or stood on something and mad to shine down upon plants (just replace the bulb with a normal fluorescent). Get two of them, plug them in somewhere that will receive minimal traffic and you have yourself your very own grow room of sorts. Personally, I have a half-finished basement with a small room we use for the gym. In there, I have a long fluorescent light that's about two feet long, double-wide with two u-shaped bulbs. This gives me about 3 feet by 2 feet of space. You'll want about the same. Search google for fluorescent light bar plug-ins. Eon does have them I believe. You can also find them at Wal-Mart or home improvement stores. An easy way to do this is to get a cardboard box, buy one of those light housings and attach the light to the inside of the box like this:
Same light housing with the light pointed down; Replace black light with normal fluorescent and you're good.
I didn't fully attach it, but you get the idea. Also, if you got a regular lamp, you'll want to get at least two and be able to have them get close to the plants. No standing lamps that tower three feet over the seedlings. I cannot stress closeness enough. For me, though my lights are in the basement ceiling, during the seed-starting season I place all of my starts on top of my free-standing kick-bag, raising them to within an inch of the light--yeah, you want it that close.
Next, figure out the traffic situation. As the seedlings get bigger, they'll have few factors inhibiting superfluous growth, meaning they'll actually need stuff like a little wind and harsher conditions to toughen them. But when under an inch tall, they don't need any contact and do well in minimum traffic. That means no running or rough-housing near them. It also means no wildly varying temperatures from day to day. While your laundry room may have a fluorescent light already in it and you can manage to get a ladder up so that the seeds will sit close to the naked bulbs (undo the covering over the bulbs if you can), that still may not be a good place if you do laundry at a high frequency. Just make sure that when you do go to wash and dry your clothes you remove your plants for those hours.
Then there's growing medium. Here's where it gets tricky. As a beginner, I just threw seeds out into the dirt--and I do mean dirt--outside. I added one layer of store-bought soil and then willed stuff to grow. While I got a few lettuces and peas (the two easiest things to grow), I didn't get much else. Foolishly, when I decided to start stuff inside the next year I figured I'd grab some of that semi-dirt/soil mixture (it's all soil now, outside of the clay barriers) and throw it in a pot. Bad mistake. For one, you bring in any and all pests living in your soil, which can wreak havoc on seedlings. Also, the stuff is too heavy for growing inside. You'll understand why later.
Ideal growing medium is light and fluffy, ie. potting soil. But not just potting soil, you preferably want a seed-starting mix created for the specific purpose of germinating and nurturing seedlings. I use this:
They say specially formulated I think so they can get more money. It's only $5.00, though.
Yes, I know, it's Miracle-gro, but from what I've read it doesn't contain many, if any chemicals. It's mostly a shredded wood pulp/peat moss mixture. You can also use finished vermicompost, sand (though, only certain seedlings will do good with a pure sand mix), or sawdust. What you want is something that will retain water, but not be too wet. It needs to let water drain but it shouldn't be too rich in nutrients. Note: While I tend to use seed-starting mix for most things, I do have a few caveats for certain plants like carrots and onions which I will discuss in another post.
The second most important thing you'll want to figure out is what to grow in (and you thought the traffic was 2nd most important, or that I'd detail the first thing being the light, then never mention a second thing). While you can get away with so-so traffic and the plants can even survive an imperfect growing medium, both of those things depend heavily on the growing container. That's when these come in.
I am a big "Green" baby--erm, well... technically, I'm black but you get the idea. Any chance I can use to not only reduce, reuse, recycle but also help the environment and grow something, I probably will take. With that said, I still have fallen into certain dining habits. Two of them that are most prevalent in my home are: drinking bottled water and eating pudding/jello/fruit cups. Don't jump on me eco-warriors, I usually drink from the gallon water bottles, but we occasionally buy the single Aquafinas as you will see throughout the blog. Anything that isn't used during the growing season in some way gets recycled, and even after the growing season, I'll still rinse or watch everything out and recycle it. I'd also like to note here that while peat pots are nice, they don't provide as much stability when growing inside as you might think (also, they can be expensive). Same goes for homemade newspaper pots. While those are good for later in the season when you are two weeks away from planting, anything you have in there for longer than three weeks will turn into a mess. Trust me! So, any plastic container coming into your house has potential as a growing container and pudding cups or cut Aquafina bottles work best. Let me show you how I prepare them.
CONTAINER PREPARATION
Step one.Wash them thoroughly. This goes for anything that you will be touching the seedlings to or with, including your own hands and any tools. You don't want to transfer any potential bacteria that could threaten them. I use a mixture of dish soap and two drops of bleach to clean any sweet gunk left over from the pudding/jello/fruit cups; water bottles shouldn't need washing unless you put something else in them after drinking the water.
Step two.Let them dry out, or dry them out with a clean paper towel or rag. I usually let them air dry over the course of a few days, but feel free to pat or wipe them dry so long as they remain sterile.
See, the rungs? Count up four from the bottom.
Step three.Now, if you are doing this project with someone young like a child who hasn't handled sharp, non-safety scissors often or ever, you'll want to do this part for them as this can be dangerous. With a clean pair of sharp scissors (or a knife), you will want to pierce the bottoms of all the containers. Place the sharp points of the scissors down into the cup, open them as wide as they will go, then pierce the bottom.
To pierce, hold the sides, making sure your fingers are nowhere near the bottom, and you can either try pulling the scissors through the bottom, or put the container on the floor, place something soft but unimportant (a layer of Styrofoam is good; stack of paper works too) underneath then jam the scissors in. The plastic for most of these cups shouldn't be that hard and should pierce easily.
And there you have it, a growing cup ready for your seeds. I should point out here that if you are using Aquafina bottles, you'll have to cut them in half, too. For that, you jam a pair of scissor into the center first. I recommend puncturing the bottle either at the bottom of the label or count up four grooves from the bottom of the bottle. Then you can follow through with piercing the bottoms. As a rule, I want them somewhere between 2 and 3 inches tall. This will save on soil requirements later. You want two cups per every one plant you plan to have. For instance, if you plan on planting 5 broccoli plants, you want to have ten cups and germinate ten seeds. While that may seem like a lot, remember that you can always watch, disinfect and reuse them later in the season for when you begin your summer plants. This way, you can assure that you plant each vegetable one per container, which will eliminate the need for thinning out layer. Also, planting all ten plants will ensure that you have a selection of the strongest plants when you get ready to plant outside. Another note: The only vegetables I don't recommend doing this for are carrots.
But we're not done yet. The final important thing is to have a container for the containers. Those holes you cut in the cup bottoms are for drainage, but also for absorption. During the early growing stages, seedlings are prone to dampening off and/or being washed away, neither of which you desire. Dampening off is a symptom of a seedling that has been watered too heavily. Yes, new plants enjoy being wet and constantly thirst for water, but leaving them growing in a pool of soggy soil will kill them. They'll start to droop and eventually die, leaving mold spores behind. For this reason, we don't like to water from above as the water could not only stick to their leaves or make the soil too wet, but it could also wash them away, or make the soil bubble over top of the leaves, leaving you with a plant that wanted to live but died because of lack of light.
We want to water from beneath. Again, plastic containers come in handy here:
Above, I have the lid of a long unused water softener from a previous house. What is of note is its current utility. I washed and sterilized it just as I did the cups. I also let this air dry. Once I start planting things, I put the cups into the center of the circular reservoir and can pour water around the edges. The seed-starting mixture I'm using will wick the water up from the bottom, keeping the soil just wet enough for the seedlings to stay hydrated, while not washing them out. For your own purposes, what container you use will depend highly on how many plants you seek to grow. However, I would recommend the plastic containers that salads or chopped mushrooms from the store come inside--again, reusing and recycling. You can use a paint tray, too, so long as it hasn't been used for paint. Anything is acceptable here so long as it is sterilized, sanitized, can hold water and will not sit too high above the plants. If it sits six inches above the cups, then it could block the lights out or it could restrict air flow, both unacceptable. As far as watering goes, I'll talk to you about that in the post when we start transplanting from paper towels and plastic bags into these homemade pots. See you then!
Ignore the tomato plants, the secondary plastic container was a plastic salad container from the grocery store.
What do you think? Was that an unnecessarily long post? Did you find it informative? Are you a beginning gardener or an advanced gardener? If advanced, what tricks do you use? There are reasons why I do things the way I do them, but I couldn't smash everything into one post, just know that all questions will be answered sooner or later. As far as anything you might wanna say about this post, let me know in the comments below (hint: click the no comments button if you see no comments).
Check out my new 5-star comedy novel, Yep, I'm Totally Stalking My Ex-Boyfriend . #AhStalkingIf you’re looking for a scare, check the YA novel #AFuriousWind, the NA novel #DARKER, #BrandNewHome or the bizarre horror #ThePowerOfTen. For those interested in something a little more dramatic and adult, check out #TheWriter. The full first season is out NOW exclusively on Amazon; season 2 coming this summer. If you like fast action/crime check out #ADangerousLow. The sequel A New Low will be out in a few months. Join us on Goodreads to talk about books and TV, and subscribe to and follow my blog with that Google+ button to the right.
Until next time, "If you can't reduce your waste, then reuse and recycle it. Do the world a favor"The More You Know!
P.S. Ha! NBC. So preachy yet so informative. I can't believe they still do those "The More You Know" psuedo-PSAs. I just saw one about bullying. Good job for them.
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Twitter@filmbooksbball
This was my garden at the very beginning of 2015, last season. Those colorful things at the left are lettuce.Greetings readers and fellow gardeners and people who are just curious about growing stuff. Spring time has officially arrived, which means that you are already late in getting your garden together. Yeah, you're late. Feel ashamed! "Hey! That's rude." Alright, fine, reader. You don't have to feel ashamed... I simply reserve the right to pass harsh judgment upon you from a digital distance. But fear not. For while we all have our crosses to bear (Hi, Jesus; Ha! Easter shout out! Since I do believe, I'm probably goin' to hell for that one), know that it is never too late to start your preparations for veggie gardening dominance. Sure, you might not grow everything you want *cough* cold-hardy crops like potatoes *cough*, but you will be able to grow some stuff. The best way to get a seasonal head start is by starting everything indoors.
As stated in a few other posts, I live in Northeast Ohio (NEO for short. Yes, we are the one), which often comes with harsh winters. While last winter was fairly mild due to both global warming and El Nino (you can doubt one but you can't doubt both), it still had its own fashions of brutality. For instance, while all last week was quite warm--50s, lower 60s--Sunday, the first official day of spring, it snowed. Like... what? Complete and total ridicurusness! Just ridicurus! That makes it hard to predict if we'll have a killing frost to wipe out even some of my most cold-hardy crops, or if I can start throwing stuff like lettuce and broccoli out in the garden now. On top of that, I still have a ton of garden prep to do before the garden is suitable for plants. While I do that, I grow everything inside to give my plants a jump start.
"Well, that sounds simple," one might say. Sure, if you're not a first-time grower and have your very own grow room with thousand dollar lights, a wind machine and the whole shi-bang! But if you don't have that, or are a novice, it can start simple and get daunting really quickly. Having already put out the seed-starting post a week ago, I will now let you know what you need/should have before you begin transplanting those little germinated seedlings. Again, this is a companion post to the seed-starting post from a week ago. If you haven't read that, you can click on the #SeedStarting button in the title above.
To start, determine where in your house you can and will grow. A great deal will be determined by things that may be out of your control like light fixtures or plugs, temperature and human traffic. Other factors, such as how long you'll keep your plants inside will also weigh heavily on this decision and weather. For beginners that may seem like a lot and it kinda is, but once you get into a rhythm of things, it really isn't.
"God, your post are always filled with such dross and drivel. Just tell me what I wanna know!" Well, excuse me, angry reader, for trying to have a little playful banter before I start things. But I guess since you don't like all the foreplay, I'll get right to it.
The most important thing you'll need in growing inside is a light source. No, your windowsill won't do... yet. For one, while we've already done daylight savings, the earth doesn't know that. Days remain shorter than they will be in April and May, meaning that the seedlings which require copious amounts of UVs to grow large and healthy won't get as much as they should, especially through the glass pane of the window. Instead, what you'll need is a fluorescent light. It doesn't have to be a high-powered halogen, just a normal store fluorescent that you can buy at any home improvement store. I would suggest getting the longer ones as they will be better able to "feed" a large swath of plants. If you'd rather not mess with any electricity in your house, you can also just buy a separate light fixture or a lamp under which to concentrate the plants, such as this:
Excuse the dustiness. The above is a blacklight solo light uh... thingy (this came from Spencer's Gifts). The proper name escapes me but you get the gist. This can be easily screwed into the wall or stood on something and mad to shine down upon plants (just replace the bulb with a normal fluorescent). Get two of them, plug them in somewhere that will receive minimal traffic and you have yourself your very own grow room of sorts. Personally, I have a half-finished basement with a small room we use for the gym. In there, I have a long fluorescent light that's about two feet long, double-wide with two u-shaped bulbs. This gives me about 3 feet by 2 feet of space. You'll want about the same. Search google for fluorescent light bar plug-ins. Eon does have them I believe. You can also find them at Wal-Mart or home improvement stores. An easy way to do this is to get a cardboard box, buy one of those light housings and attach the light to the inside of the box like this:
Same light housing with the light pointed down; Replace black light with normal fluorescent and you're good.I didn't fully attach it, but you get the idea. Also, if you got a regular lamp, you'll want to get at least two and be able to have them get close to the plants. No standing lamps that tower three feet over the seedlings. I cannot stress closeness enough. For me, though my lights are in the basement ceiling, during the seed-starting season I place all of my starts on top of my free-standing kick-bag, raising them to within an inch of the light--yeah, you want it that close.
Next, figure out the traffic situation. As the seedlings get bigger, they'll have few factors inhibiting superfluous growth, meaning they'll actually need stuff like a little wind and harsher conditions to toughen them. But when under an inch tall, they don't need any contact and do well in minimum traffic. That means no running or rough-housing near them. It also means no wildly varying temperatures from day to day. While your laundry room may have a fluorescent light already in it and you can manage to get a ladder up so that the seeds will sit close to the naked bulbs (undo the covering over the bulbs if you can), that still may not be a good place if you do laundry at a high frequency. Just make sure that when you do go to wash and dry your clothes you remove your plants for those hours.
Then there's growing medium. Here's where it gets tricky. As a beginner, I just threw seeds out into the dirt--and I do mean dirt--outside. I added one layer of store-bought soil and then willed stuff to grow. While I got a few lettuces and peas (the two easiest things to grow), I didn't get much else. Foolishly, when I decided to start stuff inside the next year I figured I'd grab some of that semi-dirt/soil mixture (it's all soil now, outside of the clay barriers) and throw it in a pot. Bad mistake. For one, you bring in any and all pests living in your soil, which can wreak havoc on seedlings. Also, the stuff is too heavy for growing inside. You'll understand why later.
Ideal growing medium is light and fluffy, ie. potting soil. But not just potting soil, you preferably want a seed-starting mix created for the specific purpose of germinating and nurturing seedlings. I use this:
They say specially formulated I think so they can get more money. It's only $5.00, though.Yes, I know, it's Miracle-gro, but from what I've read it doesn't contain many, if any chemicals. It's mostly a shredded wood pulp/peat moss mixture. You can also use finished vermicompost, sand (though, only certain seedlings will do good with a pure sand mix), or sawdust. What you want is something that will retain water, but not be too wet. It needs to let water drain but it shouldn't be too rich in nutrients. Note: While I tend to use seed-starting mix for most things, I do have a few caveats for certain plants like carrots and onions which I will discuss in another post.
The second most important thing you'll want to figure out is what to grow in (and you thought the traffic was 2nd most important, or that I'd detail the first thing being the light, then never mention a second thing). While you can get away with so-so traffic and the plants can even survive an imperfect growing medium, both of those things depend heavily on the growing container. That's when these come in.
I am a big "Green" baby--erm, well... technically, I'm black but you get the idea. Any chance I can use to not only reduce, reuse, recycle but also help the environment and grow something, I probably will take. With that said, I still have fallen into certain dining habits. Two of them that are most prevalent in my home are: drinking bottled water and eating pudding/jello/fruit cups. Don't jump on me eco-warriors, I usually drink from the gallon water bottles, but we occasionally buy the single Aquafinas as you will see throughout the blog. Anything that isn't used during the growing season in some way gets recycled, and even after the growing season, I'll still rinse or watch everything out and recycle it. I'd also like to note here that while peat pots are nice, they don't provide as much stability when growing inside as you might think (also, they can be expensive). Same goes for homemade newspaper pots. While those are good for later in the season when you are two weeks away from planting, anything you have in there for longer than three weeks will turn into a mess. Trust me! So, any plastic container coming into your house has potential as a growing container and pudding cups or cut Aquafina bottles work best. Let me show you how I prepare them.
CONTAINER PREPARATION
Step one.Wash them thoroughly. This goes for anything that you will be touching the seedlings to or with, including your own hands and any tools. You don't want to transfer any potential bacteria that could threaten them. I use a mixture of dish soap and two drops of bleach to clean any sweet gunk left over from the pudding/jello/fruit cups; water bottles shouldn't need washing unless you put something else in them after drinking the water.
Step two.Let them dry out, or dry them out with a clean paper towel or rag. I usually let them air dry over the course of a few days, but feel free to pat or wipe them dry so long as they remain sterile.
See, the rungs? Count up four from the bottom. Step three.Now, if you are doing this project with someone young like a child who hasn't handled sharp, non-safety scissors often or ever, you'll want to do this part for them as this can be dangerous. With a clean pair of sharp scissors (or a knife), you will want to pierce the bottoms of all the containers. Place the sharp points of the scissors down into the cup, open them as wide as they will go, then pierce the bottom.
To pierce, hold the sides, making sure your fingers are nowhere near the bottom, and you can either try pulling the scissors through the bottom, or put the container on the floor, place something soft but unimportant (a layer of Styrofoam is good; stack of paper works too) underneath then jam the scissors in. The plastic for most of these cups shouldn't be that hard and should pierce easily.
And there you have it, a growing cup ready for your seeds. I should point out here that if you are using Aquafina bottles, you'll have to cut them in half, too. For that, you jam a pair of scissor into the center first. I recommend puncturing the bottle either at the bottom of the label or count up four grooves from the bottom of the bottle. Then you can follow through with piercing the bottoms. As a rule, I want them somewhere between 2 and 3 inches tall. This will save on soil requirements later. You want two cups per every one plant you plan to have. For instance, if you plan on planting 5 broccoli plants, you want to have ten cups and germinate ten seeds. While that may seem like a lot, remember that you can always watch, disinfect and reuse them later in the season for when you begin your summer plants. This way, you can assure that you plant each vegetable one per container, which will eliminate the need for thinning out layer. Also, planting all ten plants will ensure that you have a selection of the strongest plants when you get ready to plant outside. Another note: The only vegetables I don't recommend doing this for are carrots.
But we're not done yet. The final important thing is to have a container for the containers. Those holes you cut in the cup bottoms are for drainage, but also for absorption. During the early growing stages, seedlings are prone to dampening off and/or being washed away, neither of which you desire. Dampening off is a symptom of a seedling that has been watered too heavily. Yes, new plants enjoy being wet and constantly thirst for water, but leaving them growing in a pool of soggy soil will kill them. They'll start to droop and eventually die, leaving mold spores behind. For this reason, we don't like to water from above as the water could not only stick to their leaves or make the soil too wet, but it could also wash them away, or make the soil bubble over top of the leaves, leaving you with a plant that wanted to live but died because of lack of light.
We want to water from beneath. Again, plastic containers come in handy here:
Above, I have the lid of a long unused water softener from a previous house. What is of note is its current utility. I washed and sterilized it just as I did the cups. I also let this air dry. Once I start planting things, I put the cups into the center of the circular reservoir and can pour water around the edges. The seed-starting mixture I'm using will wick the water up from the bottom, keeping the soil just wet enough for the seedlings to stay hydrated, while not washing them out. For your own purposes, what container you use will depend highly on how many plants you seek to grow. However, I would recommend the plastic containers that salads or chopped mushrooms from the store come inside--again, reusing and recycling. You can use a paint tray, too, so long as it hasn't been used for paint. Anything is acceptable here so long as it is sterilized, sanitized, can hold water and will not sit too high above the plants. If it sits six inches above the cups, then it could block the lights out or it could restrict air flow, both unacceptable. As far as watering goes, I'll talk to you about that in the post when we start transplanting from paper towels and plastic bags into these homemade pots. See you then!
Ignore the tomato plants, the secondary plastic container was a plastic salad container from the grocery store.What do you think? Was that an unnecessarily long post? Did you find it informative? Are you a beginning gardener or an advanced gardener? If advanced, what tricks do you use? There are reasons why I do things the way I do them, but I couldn't smash everything into one post, just know that all questions will be answered sooner or later. As far as anything you might wanna say about this post, let me know in the comments below (hint: click the no comments button if you see no comments).
Check out my new 5-star comedy novel, Yep, I'm Totally Stalking My Ex-Boyfriend . #AhStalkingIf you’re looking for a scare, check the YA novel #AFuriousWind, the NA novel #DARKER, #BrandNewHome or the bizarre horror #ThePowerOfTen. For those interested in something a little more dramatic and adult, check out #TheWriter. The full first season is out NOW exclusively on Amazon; season 2 coming this summer. If you like fast action/crime check out #ADangerousLow. The sequel A New Low will be out in a few months. Join us on Goodreads to talk about books and TV, and subscribe to and follow my blog with that Google+ button to the right.
Until next time, "If you can't reduce your waste, then reuse and recycle it. Do the world a favor"The More You Know!
P.S. Ha! NBC. So preachy yet so informative. I can't believe they still do those "The More You Know" psuedo-PSAs. I just saw one about bullying. Good job for them.
Amazon
Goodreads Author Page
Goodreads Books Similar to TV Shows
Twitter@filmbooksbball
March 20, 2016
Starting White Potatoes, Onions and Carrots #VegetableGardening #SpringPrep #Gardening #SeedStarting
Starting White Potatoes, Onions and Carrots #VegetableGardening #SpringPrep #Gardening #SeedStarting
Gif From Google Spring 2016. I do not own the rights to it.
"Damn, Michael! Back at it again with another spring gardening post. Damn, man!" Yes, apparently that got very famous, very quickly for, you know... purposes unknown. But as always, thankfully my timing is impeccable as I am exploiting it a full month after it went viral and the kid wound up on Ellen. Not gonna hate! Cheers to you, Daniel and your friend who is amazed by your shoes. If only all of this stuff existed when I was in school. Sigh.
Speaking of education, here's another post on spring gardening preparation (#SpringPrep). OK, admittedly, this should probably be part of your fall or even winter gardening prep, but for those of us who either garden until the ground freezes or just don't have the time to keep up with the garden during the cold bleak winter, or forget where we put certain things like tubers, this is a great way to make sure that you get to grow some potatoes, everybody's favorite food... except diabetics who shouldn't load up on complex starchy sugary foods. I'm so serious. Like, cut down... now!
For everyone else, feel free to start your potatoes immediately. A little tater background: white potatoes are part of the nightshade family. They share genes with tomatoes, peppers and eggplants (I'm probably missing one there, but can't think of it right now). For those with limited space, a plant exists which combines tomatoes with potatoes, growing the maters on top and taters in the ground. While that would be good for people with small gardens or even doing container gardening, I have no experience with these plants and can't speak to their efficiency at producing an adequate potato crop. Why? Well, let me initiate you.
White potatoes, unlike sweet potatoes, do not vine. Instead, they grow up into what is called a tower plant (made that up, but it's apt). A tower plant benefits from a process called hilling (totally not made up, but sounds too simple). Hilling is when you build up the soil around the plant as it grows. For example, the plant grows to a height of six inches. Instead of continuing to let it grow and grow, you will hill up good, loose, workable soil around the stem and some (not all) of the leaves to about one inch from the top. This will cause the newly buried five inches of plant to send out more roots which ultimately can turn into potatoes as that is what they are, roots or tubers of a plant.
These Are Not The Potatoes We Are Looking For
I should note here that white potatoes, unlike sweet potatoes (pictured left) not only enjoy cooler weather, but require it to continue growth. They will continue growing until it gets far too hot for them around 80-85 degrees in the summer. They also take a long time to grow, the normal duration for full baking potatoes clocks in around 120 days. This, again, is why now is a good time to start them, or even earlier (zone 5 or 6 here people; Northeast Ohio; always check your zone for last frost dates). As I tried to allude to earlier, a common practice for many gardeners is to plant the potatoes in the late fall/winter garden, and have them go dormant during winter's coldness. This works well especially if you're not going to till the ground in the spring. The buried tubers can survive below zero temperatures in some cases and will still produce viable plants come spring. However, for the first time gardener who knew nothing of winter prep, or who doesn't have an already prepared garden bed, this method works best and you don't risk the potatoes rotting away in the ground. Not to mention, you don't waste a potato.
So, with all of that explained, here are the instructions. Note that this process takes quite a while to prepare in any case.
POTATO PLANT STARTING
You will need:
A potato with plant stemming already forming on it as explained in step one (see picture below).
Good, clean water. It can be from the tap, but let it sit out a day so some of the chemicals can die back.
I Am Not An Aquafina Spokesperson. I Already Drank The Water Inside And Reused The Bottle For Tap Water
Seed-starting potting mix (regular potting soil may do fine also, but make sure it is something loomy and light)
A knife or scissors, though you can do this all with your hand. I use my hand in the video but a knife in the pictures. Again, younglings just getting into gardening should do fine using their hands and fingers.
One small cup or container to grow in. (For more info on this, see a later post on how to prepare for step two after seed germination).
A fluorescent light that you can get very close to the plants. We're talking inches from them.
Bad Picture And the Plants Got In The Way, But You Also See The Closeness You Want To Achieve
Step one.
Those Strange Growths Are Called Eye Stems or EyesGather a potato that you enjoy eating. While you can purchase them from the store, you must take care to either buy organic or check if there is any growth inhibitor sprayed on them. A good way to test this is to look into a bag and see if any of the spuds have what are called eyes, or the little white or green protrusions on the potato that are damaged or browned-out. This is the tuber trying to produce a plant. This is what we will be working with. Sometimes these can take a few weeks to grow to a good size on the potatoes, however, a good practice to make the process go faster is to put the potatoes into a clear bag in a place that will be partially exposed to the sun on a daily basis. Contrary to some opinion, this won't smother the root. Instead, it acts as a greenhouse bag similar to how I do the seeds. No water needed as the potato will draw moisture from the air.
This Is The Third Potato. I'd Recommend Letting The Eyes Grow BiggerStep two.Once the eyes are big enough (see the size above) you want to pull them off. Another good gauge for sizing the eyes is to look at the sides and see if there are rings of white nodules or bumps circling around the entire eye. These bumps turn into roots. Also, it is a good idea to make sure that the tips have shown some signs of greening or have closed leaves. In the video below, you can clearly see that the tips of the spuds look like a closed flower right before it blooms.
Step three.Pick these eyes off, making sure not to squeeze it too hard. You can also cut it off, though I find that gently twisting it off works best. You don't want any of the potato left on the end, unlike other methods.
Step four.Then, all you do is take that, make sure that the green or leafy-forming part is facing up, and you stick that little stem into a good seed-starting mix and water it. Put it under a fluorescent light as close as you can get it, and watch it grow. Try to give it at least eight hours a day. You want it to be no less than two inches tall when you transplant. That's right, they don't have to be very tall before you plant them. The great thing about winter plants is that you can start hardening them off almost immediately.
Very Small, But It Works. It'll Explode With Roots In A Matter Of Three Days If Healthy
What is hardening off, you ask? Getting a plant used to the rough outside weather. This is done by putting the plant outside for small increments of time each day. Start with two hours, then three the next day, increasing by one hour every two days until they show little to no stress (droopiness, dying leaves, etc.). You only need to do this for one week with potatoes as they should be hilled immediately when going into the ground. But that is another post.
A note, I know the title mentions carrots and onions, too. I really only tacked that on because I forgot to mention that onions are also a good winter crop, though they are one of the few winter crops that do well throughout the summer. With another long growing season at 120 days, they take a very long time to mature, and aren't often grown by home growers. But if you want to grow those, you should start them and carrots the same way as the bag method. Get a paper towel, wet it, throw the seeds on there, slip the towel into a plastic bag and put it in a warm place around 70 degrees and wait until they germinate. Carrots grow well with onions as the pungency of the onions keeps away certain insects and can deter certain animals, though not all. Stay tuned for the post-germination transfer of all the seeds into a growing medium coming in the next day or so.
What do you think? Will you try to grow your own potatoes? Do you have the space for it? Was there anything you didn't understand simply about the process of starting the potatoes? Again, getting them in the ground and further care will be covered in a future post, so stay tuned. Oh, and yes you can still eat the potato after you've gotten the eyes off, just avoid any green which should be very close to the surface if any has built up in the potato at all. Click the #SeedStarting link in the title to find the post on seed-starting as a whole. Any other questions about the starting process, let me know in the comments below (hint: click the no comments button if you see no comments).
Check out my new 5-star comedy novel, Yep, I'm Totally Stalking My Ex-Boyfriend . #AhStalkingIf you’re looking for a scare, check the YA novel #AFuriousWind, the New Adult novel #DARKER, #BrandNewHome or the bizarre horror novella #ThePowerOfTen. For those interested in something a little more dramatic, check out #TheWriter. The full first season is out NOW exclusively on Amazon. If you like fast action/crime check out #ADangerousLow. The sequel A New Low will be out in a few months. Join us on Goodreads to talk about books and TV, and subscribe to and follow my blog with that Google+ button to the right.
Until next time, "Spuds MacKenzie was just a cheap rip-off imitation of me." ~ Mr. Potato Head.
For Shame! For delicious shame!
P.S. Wow! So much wrong with that. First off, Mr. Potato Head, Spuds MacKenzie was a dog. Had nothing to do with potatoes. And second off, I sincerely question your validity as a spokesperson and role model for our children. You and your wife are shown eating--no, cannibalizing bag after bag of Lay's potato chips. What will you do next? Start eating french fries? Hmph! Indignant!
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Gif From Google Spring 2016. I do not own the rights to it. "Damn, Michael! Back at it again with another spring gardening post. Damn, man!" Yes, apparently that got very famous, very quickly for, you know... purposes unknown. But as always, thankfully my timing is impeccable as I am exploiting it a full month after it went viral and the kid wound up on Ellen. Not gonna hate! Cheers to you, Daniel and your friend who is amazed by your shoes. If only all of this stuff existed when I was in school. Sigh.
Speaking of education, here's another post on spring gardening preparation (#SpringPrep). OK, admittedly, this should probably be part of your fall or even winter gardening prep, but for those of us who either garden until the ground freezes or just don't have the time to keep up with the garden during the cold bleak winter, or forget where we put certain things like tubers, this is a great way to make sure that you get to grow some potatoes, everybody's favorite food... except diabetics who shouldn't load up on complex starchy sugary foods. I'm so serious. Like, cut down... now!
For everyone else, feel free to start your potatoes immediately. A little tater background: white potatoes are part of the nightshade family. They share genes with tomatoes, peppers and eggplants (I'm probably missing one there, but can't think of it right now). For those with limited space, a plant exists which combines tomatoes with potatoes, growing the maters on top and taters in the ground. While that would be good for people with small gardens or even doing container gardening, I have no experience with these plants and can't speak to their efficiency at producing an adequate potato crop. Why? Well, let me initiate you.
White potatoes, unlike sweet potatoes, do not vine. Instead, they grow up into what is called a tower plant (made that up, but it's apt). A tower plant benefits from a process called hilling (totally not made up, but sounds too simple). Hilling is when you build up the soil around the plant as it grows. For example, the plant grows to a height of six inches. Instead of continuing to let it grow and grow, you will hill up good, loose, workable soil around the stem and some (not all) of the leaves to about one inch from the top. This will cause the newly buried five inches of plant to send out more roots which ultimately can turn into potatoes as that is what they are, roots or tubers of a plant.
These Are Not The Potatoes We Are Looking ForI should note here that white potatoes, unlike sweet potatoes (pictured left) not only enjoy cooler weather, but require it to continue growth. They will continue growing until it gets far too hot for them around 80-85 degrees in the summer. They also take a long time to grow, the normal duration for full baking potatoes clocks in around 120 days. This, again, is why now is a good time to start them, or even earlier (zone 5 or 6 here people; Northeast Ohio; always check your zone for last frost dates). As I tried to allude to earlier, a common practice for many gardeners is to plant the potatoes in the late fall/winter garden, and have them go dormant during winter's coldness. This works well especially if you're not going to till the ground in the spring. The buried tubers can survive below zero temperatures in some cases and will still produce viable plants come spring. However, for the first time gardener who knew nothing of winter prep, or who doesn't have an already prepared garden bed, this method works best and you don't risk the potatoes rotting away in the ground. Not to mention, you don't waste a potato.
So, with all of that explained, here are the instructions. Note that this process takes quite a while to prepare in any case.
POTATO PLANT STARTING
You will need:
A potato with plant stemming already forming on it as explained in step one (see picture below).
Good, clean water. It can be from the tap, but let it sit out a day so some of the chemicals can die back.
I Am Not An Aquafina Spokesperson. I Already Drank The Water Inside And Reused The Bottle For Tap WaterSeed-starting potting mix (regular potting soil may do fine also, but make sure it is something loomy and light)
A knife or scissors, though you can do this all with your hand. I use my hand in the video but a knife in the pictures. Again, younglings just getting into gardening should do fine using their hands and fingers.
One small cup or container to grow in. (For more info on this, see a later post on how to prepare for step two after seed germination).
A fluorescent light that you can get very close to the plants. We're talking inches from them.
Bad Picture And the Plants Got In The Way, But You Also See The Closeness You Want To AchieveStep one.
Those Strange Growths Are Called Eye Stems or EyesGather a potato that you enjoy eating. While you can purchase them from the store, you must take care to either buy organic or check if there is any growth inhibitor sprayed on them. A good way to test this is to look into a bag and see if any of the spuds have what are called eyes, or the little white or green protrusions on the potato that are damaged or browned-out. This is the tuber trying to produce a plant. This is what we will be working with. Sometimes these can take a few weeks to grow to a good size on the potatoes, however, a good practice to make the process go faster is to put the potatoes into a clear bag in a place that will be partially exposed to the sun on a daily basis. Contrary to some opinion, this won't smother the root. Instead, it acts as a greenhouse bag similar to how I do the seeds. No water needed as the potato will draw moisture from the air.
This Is The Third Potato. I'd Recommend Letting The Eyes Grow BiggerStep two.Once the eyes are big enough (see the size above) you want to pull them off. Another good gauge for sizing the eyes is to look at the sides and see if there are rings of white nodules or bumps circling around the entire eye. These bumps turn into roots. Also, it is a good idea to make sure that the tips have shown some signs of greening or have closed leaves. In the video below, you can clearly see that the tips of the spuds look like a closed flower right before it blooms.Step three.Pick these eyes off, making sure not to squeeze it too hard. You can also cut it off, though I find that gently twisting it off works best. You don't want any of the potato left on the end, unlike other methods.
Step four.Then, all you do is take that, make sure that the green or leafy-forming part is facing up, and you stick that little stem into a good seed-starting mix and water it. Put it under a fluorescent light as close as you can get it, and watch it grow. Try to give it at least eight hours a day. You want it to be no less than two inches tall when you transplant. That's right, they don't have to be very tall before you plant them. The great thing about winter plants is that you can start hardening them off almost immediately.
Very Small, But It Works. It'll Explode With Roots In A Matter Of Three Days If HealthyWhat is hardening off, you ask? Getting a plant used to the rough outside weather. This is done by putting the plant outside for small increments of time each day. Start with two hours, then three the next day, increasing by one hour every two days until they show little to no stress (droopiness, dying leaves, etc.). You only need to do this for one week with potatoes as they should be hilled immediately when going into the ground. But that is another post.
A note, I know the title mentions carrots and onions, too. I really only tacked that on because I forgot to mention that onions are also a good winter crop, though they are one of the few winter crops that do well throughout the summer. With another long growing season at 120 days, they take a very long time to mature, and aren't often grown by home growers. But if you want to grow those, you should start them and carrots the same way as the bag method. Get a paper towel, wet it, throw the seeds on there, slip the towel into a plastic bag and put it in a warm place around 70 degrees and wait until they germinate. Carrots grow well with onions as the pungency of the onions keeps away certain insects and can deter certain animals, though not all. Stay tuned for the post-germination transfer of all the seeds into a growing medium coming in the next day or so.
What do you think? Will you try to grow your own potatoes? Do you have the space for it? Was there anything you didn't understand simply about the process of starting the potatoes? Again, getting them in the ground and further care will be covered in a future post, so stay tuned. Oh, and yes you can still eat the potato after you've gotten the eyes off, just avoid any green which should be very close to the surface if any has built up in the potato at all. Click the #SeedStarting link in the title to find the post on seed-starting as a whole. Any other questions about the starting process, let me know in the comments below (hint: click the no comments button if you see no comments).
Check out my new 5-star comedy novel, Yep, I'm Totally Stalking My Ex-Boyfriend . #AhStalkingIf you’re looking for a scare, check the YA novel #AFuriousWind, the New Adult novel #DARKER, #BrandNewHome or the bizarre horror novella #ThePowerOfTen. For those interested in something a little more dramatic, check out #TheWriter. The full first season is out NOW exclusively on Amazon. If you like fast action/crime check out #ADangerousLow. The sequel A New Low will be out in a few months. Join us on Goodreads to talk about books and TV, and subscribe to and follow my blog with that Google+ button to the right.
Until next time, "Spuds MacKenzie was just a cheap rip-off imitation of me." ~ Mr. Potato Head.
For Shame! For delicious shame!P.S. Wow! So much wrong with that. First off, Mr. Potato Head, Spuds MacKenzie was a dog. Had nothing to do with potatoes. And second off, I sincerely question your validity as a spokesperson and role model for our children. You and your wife are shown eating--no, cannibalizing bag after bag of Lay's potato chips. What will you do next? Start eating french fries? Hmph! Indignant!
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March 19, 2016
Thank God I'm Not Related #TheFamily #ABC #3WeekRoundUp
Thank God I'm Not Related #TheFamily #ABC #3WeekRoundUp
Picture courtesy of ABC
Uggghhhh! Ohhh myyy gahhhh! This show is so tedious. So, I know that I've been back for a few weeks now, but even in that time I haven't gotten back to the regular entertainment stuff, talking about TV, movies and books (#ANewLow coming soon; season 2 of #TheWriter coming this summer), but that's because I've been focused on the gardening stuff because food is really important. Also, the entertainment I've been seeing is just so... (sigh!) I don't know what to say. Frankly, a lot of the shows have really ticked me off as of late.
To start:
The X-Files reboot/continuation(?) was so disappointing and bad that it felt like Marlon Wayans or the Farrelly Brothers wrote it as a parody series. The comedy: far over-the-top from the original; the acting: (I'm looking at you David Duchovny) completely phoned--no, texted in; and I am flabbergasted at how a six-episode season could still manage to have at least one filler episode. That were-lizard thing? What da hell was dat was? Admittedly, I feel ashamed that I actually liked that episode. To top it all off, the ending was a big middle finger to the fans. Nay, it was a multi-million dollar Rick-rolling perpetrated by FOX.
I'm Hiding My Disdain For Being Here Behind These Sunglasses
I thoroughly enjoyed Galavant, but it has such little hope of coming back for another season or ever being anything other than a cutesy little show in January that it's hard to support.
American Idol has very decent, eclectic talent this year but the producers and network have decided to rush it so much that it's hard to immerse myself in the excitement it once used to bring in its hay day. With the exception of Clarkson's emotional Piece by Piece, I haven't found a memorable season-making moment, hence why this is its last season (I hadn't seen it in at least three seasons). Sad. I thought it would be bigger.
Limitless has become heavily so-so from episode to episode. Same goes for Grey's Anatomy (#GreysAnatomy). And speaking of Shondaland, I am a big fan of her but lately I've been getting really irked by her shows and her comments on her shows. As I said way back at the beginning of the season, Grey's Anatomy was never fully about Meredith. It was a love story about finding one's tribe, rather than finding one's self. The whole ultra-feminist tone it has taken where every week it is about the feminist cause does not fit what the show used to be. I am still DVRing the show, but I haven't watched in weeks.
How to get away with murder (#HTGAWM) has still been quite good. But if any show of Shonda's was built for femininity and woman power, it was Scandal. I knew that from the first season pre-premiere advertisements, then realized it would have a love story. But even knowing that, I feel... It's hard to describe. I feel like this show has lost its way so much, that I can't see it getting back to greatness, doomed instead to limp to its ultimate series finale where a woman is made president (Shonda said she already had an ending in mind when she started the show; I guessed that this would be it, and it would probably be Mellie, especially after that ill-advised #ImWithHer Hillary Clinton commercial. Again, I am not going to say I support any candidate, but I will say that having the spokesperson/main character/actor of a show make a campaign commercial like that can alienate a fanbase that disagrees).
The epitome of this loss in direction came from the comments from Shonda herself when asked about Olivia's shocking and rather off-putting winter finale abortion. When asked when Fitz would find out and how it would effect their relationship, she responded, and I'm paraphrasing, "Does he have to?" What? Putting aside the fact that Shonda has literally used abortion as part of the "strong/independent/feminist" trope in every one of her shows (Yang got rid of her baby with Owen, Private Practice talked about it ad nauseam), it's just lazy writing to suggest that this issue will never come back up. If it's a non-starter, then why show it to us? Writing 101 teaches us to only put in what is needed unless in the case of satire, irony or sarcasm. It really does nothing more than allow us to hate or at least strongly dislike this powerful, independent black woman, especially if it was meant as a character-building/defining moment. What's she done? Broken up a marriage because she thought she was in love, helped rig a presidency, helped to get countless friends murdered, helped to cover up murders, allowed herself to be pawned in death games she has always come out unscratched in, dumped the guy she thought she was in love with because it inconvenienced her to have the responsibilities of real love and aborted his baby. She started as a white hat. She's now nothing more than the epitome of a (here comes the hate and backlash) black bitch--yeah, I went there. And I don't even like the term and know how offensive it is, but am shocked to see how well it fits. At least when other shows do it, we know we're supposed to loathe a certain character, but are we still supposed to like her and root for her, because that's how it was posed to us at the beginning of the show. As an aside, in a review of the first season of The Writer (#TheWriter) the reviewer said that he didn't feel sorry for the titular character, however, I never made it a point to try to force the reader to feel a certain emotion about the character. That's where this differs. She was billed almost as an angel, a savior of complicated people who would still be suspected terrorists, disgraced lawyers, battered wives or stuck in a hole without her. And now, well, she's "on her own journey," ~Shonda's words.
There's also the NBC shows, mainly You, Me and the Apocalypse which... (sigh). Man, I've sighed way too much writing this. I might have to write another post for that show even though it's far past the #3WeekRoundUp phase.
Fox threw Lucifer at us. I knew the Devil was a lie but I didn't know he was more boring than Grandma Beatrice who does nothing all day but take eucalyptus baths, talk about her stories, smoke menthols and refuses to take off her raggedy gray wig she bought in '92 because she swear up and down it make her look like Aretha Franklin. That raggedy dead cat on yo' head don't make you look like no Aretha Franklin! I digress. The only two really good shows oddly enough both have the words American and Crime in them. American Crime Story: The People Vs. OJ Simpson and American Crime, with the exception of the latter's finale, have been exceptional. I don't know what the heck that American Crime finale was. Hectic, directionless and nearly subverting the entire season. Still, I expect both of them to be competing in the best dramas Emmy/Golden Globes categories next season, because anything else would be a crime in itself. Yes, that was easy wordplay. What, was I not supposed to take that chance? You should know me by now.
And then there's this show. Wait, did I seriously spend that much time talking about all the other shows before even getting to this one? And I wasted a second sentence pointing that out? Wow! I must really not like this. Yes. That is correct. To start, multiple people on multiple sites have commented that this show is based on or similar to the real-life story of some French man named Adam who pretended to be a lost/kidnapped boy who had been missing for over a decade. Not only was he not the kid, he was considerably older than the kid as he was a young-looking fully grown man. Admittedly, I wrote a book a little similar to this premise which I haven't yet released, but trust me it is not this and that is not clouding my judgment.
The premise: a boy goes missing and, after ten years of being gone, presumed kidnapped and dead, he returns alive. While the family is glad he's back, not everything is sweet roses. Not only has a lot of drama happened concerning his case--his previously jailed kidnapper is released a few days after he arrives back home--he has come back different, and not just the expected different. Through the first three episodes, it is shown that many of the things he supposedly remembers as a child have been studied, learned either from repetitious rote-memory, practicing of past mannerisms and speech cadence (he studies a video of how he used to talk at one of his birthdays), or through keen observation of photos. He really knows nothing about who he used to be or what his family was truly like outside of reports. Sounds good and involved, right? Spuuuth (that's me blowing wind and spittle through my lips like a spoiled child)!
OK, I must first get the elephant out of the way (by the way, did anybody see that adorable clip of that pink albino baby elephant? I'll see if I can find the vid for you) and say that while I want to support black actors and actresses as much as possible, the woman they got to play the role of the lead detective is just not very good. Frankly, I want to see everyone in the entertainment industry do as well as they possibly can because I want good entertainment and I don't like putting people down when it's not that good. But nothing about her character rings true. For one, she's too young. Yes, Adam's case propelled her to the detective position, however, that was ten years ago when she was still in her mid-to-late 20s. She should at least look in her mid-30s. She looks 20 and not an older-looking 20 but a Hollywood 20. You know, the kind that studios cast as teenagers or college-age kids. If you slapped one of those cheap blue policewoman's sexy Halloween costumes on her, you would think she just came from a Frat party. And if that isn't bad enough, there's little authenticity in the way she acts. Every line came off as a line: forced and sometimes cringe-worthy.
Quick! Which One Of Us Was A Teenager 10 Years Ago?
The partial failure of her character lies within the hands of the writers. On the first episode she sits to have a meeting/interview with him and the family as the case has now been reopened and they need to catch this kidnapper. Well, as she asks "Adam" about what he remembers surrounding his captivity, he tells the story of a tiny room that the man used to molest him in--a detail his mother definitely didn't want or need to know in great gratuity. During that, he mentioned that he saw a dragon that would breathe fire at him.
At this point you're probably nodding or waffling your head side to side, saying, "So? Sounds reasonable." It does, doesn't it? An eight or nine-year-old boy seeing a dragon. They'd know what a dragon looked like, some by that time can even draw a pretty decent dragon. Naturally my first thought, as I'm assuming (I know, really bad to do but I have to do it here) would be most people's first thought is that the boy was talking about a ceiling painting, poster or even a tattoo on the man's back. But noooo! Somehow this eight or nine-year-old knows deeply about symbolism and metaphors and, as far as the detective knows, has constructed this dragon metaphor in place of what he really meant to say. He really meant some smoke stacks that came from a refinery or mine or something deep in the forest that glows red in the evening. Whaaaat? Yeah, that was my reaction. I still don't know what offended me more: the fact that she never bothered to look for a place that had a real dragon painted or posted in a room or the fact that the writers totally went with this and allowed her to find the supposed kidnappers hovel in the woods precisely where the metaphor led her. In either case, this has now set up the notion that anything said or done by either the boy or anyone else not only can but should be viewed as a metaphor. If the boy tells them that the guy smelled like manure, instead of it cluing them into him working on a farm is it going to mean that he is actually a bomb maker that uses the nitrogen in fertilizers to work for a local terror organization? You see the leap in logic? Ridiculous.
The Accused Kidnapper, Not The Real One
Then we have the stuff about the rest of the family. The mom is running for governor, the dad is a best-selling author who wrote a book about dealing with the grief of losing his son. He's also a philandering depressive lay-about that was sleeping with the cop. Listen, I knew that the father and the young cop had an affair but the scene in which they have sex in the interrogation room when anybody could walk in or peep through the blinds or maybe even look at the video that so many IR's have these days was too much. Not only that, but there was so little passion in it and they have zero chemistry that it felt forced to the nth degree. The druggie/drunkard brother is the only one suspicious of this boy, and the sister manages her mother's campaign. She also blames herself and her bigger brother for losing Adam as she was supposed to be watching him when he disappeared. She was an irresponsible teen, yadda yadda yadda, now she's a conniving adult. Though, through the structure of the story--a borrowed and oft-used trope from Lost, the show is told in both current and flashback segments (I know, Lost didn't invent it but still)--she is shown to have plotted with her father to frame the creepy neighbor who went down for the boy's kidnapping/murder. Why she's that demented has yet to be revealed but suffice it to say that she's the most interesting character on the show, even though you would expect it to be our big star.
Red Rover, Red Rover...Wait, Nevermind
That's right the mother, played by Joan Allen of... well, Joan Allen fame (I ain't got time. Check her stats!), up until three episodes in has been mostly useless character-wise. There was some vim and raucousness from her in the third episode where she went off-script during an interview about getting back to the campaign trail after Adam's return, but much of that has sizzled. The show seems to have billed her as the one we are to root for, but even as the doe in the headlights, she fails to garner real sympathy in both the present and the flashbacks. Even as her emotional matrix widens, she feels more political and cold in her home with her family than she does out in the public. Isn't she grieving? Or is she even happy her son has returned? In seeing tons of local (remember, Ohioan here) and national coverage of the Amanda Berry, the other two and Ariel Castro's story, the parents were always near deafening tears to learn that they're daughter was home. I know, the case of Berry is different, but still I can't help to think that the parents' reaction would be much closer to a roller coaster heart drop than the sorta Annie Hall "La-Di-Da" that we've been getting.
After all of that, this is so incredibly hard for me but I'm going to have to give it a D. Yikes!! Like I said, I hate being critical of anyone else's work because I know first hand just how hard the creative process is, but this isn't good... so far. Maybe it'll get better as the show builds and the mysteries deepen, however, I'm not sure that the strangeness of the creeper and suspected kidnapper lurking through the scenes of the show will keep you wanting more each week. Yes, it does bring up the question of who the boy really is and if he's telling the truth, but the presence of the potential kidnapper coupled with the boy's sudden appearance actually makes you wonder more, "Wait, if the boy isn't Adam, but he was kidnapped and molested by this man, then why would he lie about who he was? Isn't that a good enough story on its own? What would he get from lying about who he is, if he truly is a victim?" The only possible answer that makes sense is that he was a child no one ever reported missing, thus was free to endure such torture and only lied because he thought no one would care otherwise. Or he was completely unrelated just like in the real-life case of the French guy, but then how would he know of the metaphorical dragon and the sex cave, unless the two are strangely unrelated.
I shouldn't have to say at this point if you should be watching or not. I think you already know my opinion on that. While ambitious, this show raises more eye-rolling production questions than gives answers to actual mysteries. It feels like a half-hearted effort from some of the industry vets and a futile attempt at brilliance from some of the younger actors trying to hone their craft. For the love of goodness, where is Secrets and Lies? At least that had Ryan Phillippe and Juliette Lewis.
What do you think? Am I being too harsh on this show? Have you even seen it? If so, do you like it or no? Will you keep watching? What's been your favorite part of the show so far? And who do you think the boy is? To me, he actually looks similar to the supposed kidnapper. Let me know in the comments below (hint: click the no comments button if you see no comments).
Check out my new 5-star comedy novel, Yep, I'm Totally Stalking My Ex-Boyfriend . #AhStalkingIf you’re looking for a scare, check #AFuriousWind, #DARKER, #BrandNewHome or #ThePowerOfTen. For those interested in something a little more dramatic, check out #TheWriter. The full first season is out NOW exclusively on Amazon. If you like fast action/crime check out #ADangerousLow. The sequel A New Low will be out in a few months. Join us on Goodreads to talk about books and TV, and subscribe to and follow my blog with that Google+ button to the right.
Until next time, "What do you mean Mark Watney's missing? It's seriously gonna take four years to get him back? Oh! Well... has anyone called dibs on his Bose system? I just wanna borrow it for four years. I'll give it back when he returns. So long as he doesn't come back all weird and... Johnny Depp-like. "
P.S. Did I make two space references to end this post that had nothing to do with space? Yeah, I did. I was looking for something that would pair well with the premise of the show: person being lost, person suspected dead actually being not dead, person coming back and being completely different. Frankly, I'm proud of myself, and you should be proud of me. I remembered that horrible Astronaut's Wife Depp movie that no one does. I'm givin' you people a gift.
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Picture courtesy of ABCUggghhhh! Ohhh myyy gahhhh! This show is so tedious. So, I know that I've been back for a few weeks now, but even in that time I haven't gotten back to the regular entertainment stuff, talking about TV, movies and books (#ANewLow coming soon; season 2 of #TheWriter coming this summer), but that's because I've been focused on the gardening stuff because food is really important. Also, the entertainment I've been seeing is just so... (sigh!) I don't know what to say. Frankly, a lot of the shows have really ticked me off as of late.
To start:
The X-Files reboot/continuation(?) was so disappointing and bad that it felt like Marlon Wayans or the Farrelly Brothers wrote it as a parody series. The comedy: far over-the-top from the original; the acting: (I'm looking at you David Duchovny) completely phoned--no, texted in; and I am flabbergasted at how a six-episode season could still manage to have at least one filler episode. That were-lizard thing? What da hell was dat was? Admittedly, I feel ashamed that I actually liked that episode. To top it all off, the ending was a big middle finger to the fans. Nay, it was a multi-million dollar Rick-rolling perpetrated by FOX.
I'm Hiding My Disdain For Being Here Behind These SunglassesI thoroughly enjoyed Galavant, but it has such little hope of coming back for another season or ever being anything other than a cutesy little show in January that it's hard to support.
American Idol has very decent, eclectic talent this year but the producers and network have decided to rush it so much that it's hard to immerse myself in the excitement it once used to bring in its hay day. With the exception of Clarkson's emotional Piece by Piece, I haven't found a memorable season-making moment, hence why this is its last season (I hadn't seen it in at least three seasons). Sad. I thought it would be bigger.
Limitless has become heavily so-so from episode to episode. Same goes for Grey's Anatomy (#GreysAnatomy). And speaking of Shondaland, I am a big fan of her but lately I've been getting really irked by her shows and her comments on her shows. As I said way back at the beginning of the season, Grey's Anatomy was never fully about Meredith. It was a love story about finding one's tribe, rather than finding one's self. The whole ultra-feminist tone it has taken where every week it is about the feminist cause does not fit what the show used to be. I am still DVRing the show, but I haven't watched in weeks.
How to get away with murder (#HTGAWM) has still been quite good. But if any show of Shonda's was built for femininity and woman power, it was Scandal. I knew that from the first season pre-premiere advertisements, then realized it would have a love story. But even knowing that, I feel... It's hard to describe. I feel like this show has lost its way so much, that I can't see it getting back to greatness, doomed instead to limp to its ultimate series finale where a woman is made president (Shonda said she already had an ending in mind when she started the show; I guessed that this would be it, and it would probably be Mellie, especially after that ill-advised #ImWithHer Hillary Clinton commercial. Again, I am not going to say I support any candidate, but I will say that having the spokesperson/main character/actor of a show make a campaign commercial like that can alienate a fanbase that disagrees).
The epitome of this loss in direction came from the comments from Shonda herself when asked about Olivia's shocking and rather off-putting winter finale abortion. When asked when Fitz would find out and how it would effect their relationship, she responded, and I'm paraphrasing, "Does he have to?" What? Putting aside the fact that Shonda has literally used abortion as part of the "strong/independent/feminist" trope in every one of her shows (Yang got rid of her baby with Owen, Private Practice talked about it ad nauseam), it's just lazy writing to suggest that this issue will never come back up. If it's a non-starter, then why show it to us? Writing 101 teaches us to only put in what is needed unless in the case of satire, irony or sarcasm. It really does nothing more than allow us to hate or at least strongly dislike this powerful, independent black woman, especially if it was meant as a character-building/defining moment. What's she done? Broken up a marriage because she thought she was in love, helped rig a presidency, helped to get countless friends murdered, helped to cover up murders, allowed herself to be pawned in death games she has always come out unscratched in, dumped the guy she thought she was in love with because it inconvenienced her to have the responsibilities of real love and aborted his baby. She started as a white hat. She's now nothing more than the epitome of a (here comes the hate and backlash) black bitch--yeah, I went there. And I don't even like the term and know how offensive it is, but am shocked to see how well it fits. At least when other shows do it, we know we're supposed to loathe a certain character, but are we still supposed to like her and root for her, because that's how it was posed to us at the beginning of the show. As an aside, in a review of the first season of The Writer (#TheWriter) the reviewer said that he didn't feel sorry for the titular character, however, I never made it a point to try to force the reader to feel a certain emotion about the character. That's where this differs. She was billed almost as an angel, a savior of complicated people who would still be suspected terrorists, disgraced lawyers, battered wives or stuck in a hole without her. And now, well, she's "on her own journey," ~Shonda's words.There's also the NBC shows, mainly You, Me and the Apocalypse which... (sigh). Man, I've sighed way too much writing this. I might have to write another post for that show even though it's far past the #3WeekRoundUp phase.
Fox threw Lucifer at us. I knew the Devil was a lie but I didn't know he was more boring than Grandma Beatrice who does nothing all day but take eucalyptus baths, talk about her stories, smoke menthols and refuses to take off her raggedy gray wig she bought in '92 because she swear up and down it make her look like Aretha Franklin. That raggedy dead cat on yo' head don't make you look like no Aretha Franklin! I digress. The only two really good shows oddly enough both have the words American and Crime in them. American Crime Story: The People Vs. OJ Simpson and American Crime, with the exception of the latter's finale, have been exceptional. I don't know what the heck that American Crime finale was. Hectic, directionless and nearly subverting the entire season. Still, I expect both of them to be competing in the best dramas Emmy/Golden Globes categories next season, because anything else would be a crime in itself. Yes, that was easy wordplay. What, was I not supposed to take that chance? You should know me by now.
And then there's this show. Wait, did I seriously spend that much time talking about all the other shows before even getting to this one? And I wasted a second sentence pointing that out? Wow! I must really not like this. Yes. That is correct. To start, multiple people on multiple sites have commented that this show is based on or similar to the real-life story of some French man named Adam who pretended to be a lost/kidnapped boy who had been missing for over a decade. Not only was he not the kid, he was considerably older than the kid as he was a young-looking fully grown man. Admittedly, I wrote a book a little similar to this premise which I haven't yet released, but trust me it is not this and that is not clouding my judgment.
The premise: a boy goes missing and, after ten years of being gone, presumed kidnapped and dead, he returns alive. While the family is glad he's back, not everything is sweet roses. Not only has a lot of drama happened concerning his case--his previously jailed kidnapper is released a few days after he arrives back home--he has come back different, and not just the expected different. Through the first three episodes, it is shown that many of the things he supposedly remembers as a child have been studied, learned either from repetitious rote-memory, practicing of past mannerisms and speech cadence (he studies a video of how he used to talk at one of his birthdays), or through keen observation of photos. He really knows nothing about who he used to be or what his family was truly like outside of reports. Sounds good and involved, right? Spuuuth (that's me blowing wind and spittle through my lips like a spoiled child)!
OK, I must first get the elephant out of the way (by the way, did anybody see that adorable clip of that pink albino baby elephant? I'll see if I can find the vid for you) and say that while I want to support black actors and actresses as much as possible, the woman they got to play the role of the lead detective is just not very good. Frankly, I want to see everyone in the entertainment industry do as well as they possibly can because I want good entertainment and I don't like putting people down when it's not that good. But nothing about her character rings true. For one, she's too young. Yes, Adam's case propelled her to the detective position, however, that was ten years ago when she was still in her mid-to-late 20s. She should at least look in her mid-30s. She looks 20 and not an older-looking 20 but a Hollywood 20. You know, the kind that studios cast as teenagers or college-age kids. If you slapped one of those cheap blue policewoman's sexy Halloween costumes on her, you would think she just came from a Frat party. And if that isn't bad enough, there's little authenticity in the way she acts. Every line came off as a line: forced and sometimes cringe-worthy.
Quick! Which One Of Us Was A Teenager 10 Years Ago?The partial failure of her character lies within the hands of the writers. On the first episode she sits to have a meeting/interview with him and the family as the case has now been reopened and they need to catch this kidnapper. Well, as she asks "Adam" about what he remembers surrounding his captivity, he tells the story of a tiny room that the man used to molest him in--a detail his mother definitely didn't want or need to know in great gratuity. During that, he mentioned that he saw a dragon that would breathe fire at him.
At this point you're probably nodding or waffling your head side to side, saying, "So? Sounds reasonable." It does, doesn't it? An eight or nine-year-old boy seeing a dragon. They'd know what a dragon looked like, some by that time can even draw a pretty decent dragon. Naturally my first thought, as I'm assuming (I know, really bad to do but I have to do it here) would be most people's first thought is that the boy was talking about a ceiling painting, poster or even a tattoo on the man's back. But noooo! Somehow this eight or nine-year-old knows deeply about symbolism and metaphors and, as far as the detective knows, has constructed this dragon metaphor in place of what he really meant to say. He really meant some smoke stacks that came from a refinery or mine or something deep in the forest that glows red in the evening. Whaaaat? Yeah, that was my reaction. I still don't know what offended me more: the fact that she never bothered to look for a place that had a real dragon painted or posted in a room or the fact that the writers totally went with this and allowed her to find the supposed kidnappers hovel in the woods precisely where the metaphor led her. In either case, this has now set up the notion that anything said or done by either the boy or anyone else not only can but should be viewed as a metaphor. If the boy tells them that the guy smelled like manure, instead of it cluing them into him working on a farm is it going to mean that he is actually a bomb maker that uses the nitrogen in fertilizers to work for a local terror organization? You see the leap in logic? Ridiculous.
The Accused Kidnapper, Not The Real OneThen we have the stuff about the rest of the family. The mom is running for governor, the dad is a best-selling author who wrote a book about dealing with the grief of losing his son. He's also a philandering depressive lay-about that was sleeping with the cop. Listen, I knew that the father and the young cop had an affair but the scene in which they have sex in the interrogation room when anybody could walk in or peep through the blinds or maybe even look at the video that so many IR's have these days was too much. Not only that, but there was so little passion in it and they have zero chemistry that it felt forced to the nth degree. The druggie/drunkard brother is the only one suspicious of this boy, and the sister manages her mother's campaign. She also blames herself and her bigger brother for losing Adam as she was supposed to be watching him when he disappeared. She was an irresponsible teen, yadda yadda yadda, now she's a conniving adult. Though, through the structure of the story--a borrowed and oft-used trope from Lost, the show is told in both current and flashback segments (I know, Lost didn't invent it but still)--she is shown to have plotted with her father to frame the creepy neighbor who went down for the boy's kidnapping/murder. Why she's that demented has yet to be revealed but suffice it to say that she's the most interesting character on the show, even though you would expect it to be our big star.
Red Rover, Red Rover...Wait, NevermindThat's right the mother, played by Joan Allen of... well, Joan Allen fame (I ain't got time. Check her stats!), up until three episodes in has been mostly useless character-wise. There was some vim and raucousness from her in the third episode where she went off-script during an interview about getting back to the campaign trail after Adam's return, but much of that has sizzled. The show seems to have billed her as the one we are to root for, but even as the doe in the headlights, she fails to garner real sympathy in both the present and the flashbacks. Even as her emotional matrix widens, she feels more political and cold in her home with her family than she does out in the public. Isn't she grieving? Or is she even happy her son has returned? In seeing tons of local (remember, Ohioan here) and national coverage of the Amanda Berry, the other two and Ariel Castro's story, the parents were always near deafening tears to learn that they're daughter was home. I know, the case of Berry is different, but still I can't help to think that the parents' reaction would be much closer to a roller coaster heart drop than the sorta Annie Hall "La-Di-Da" that we've been getting.
After all of that, this is so incredibly hard for me but I'm going to have to give it a D. Yikes!! Like I said, I hate being critical of anyone else's work because I know first hand just how hard the creative process is, but this isn't good... so far. Maybe it'll get better as the show builds and the mysteries deepen, however, I'm not sure that the strangeness of the creeper and suspected kidnapper lurking through the scenes of the show will keep you wanting more each week. Yes, it does bring up the question of who the boy really is and if he's telling the truth, but the presence of the potential kidnapper coupled with the boy's sudden appearance actually makes you wonder more, "Wait, if the boy isn't Adam, but he was kidnapped and molested by this man, then why would he lie about who he was? Isn't that a good enough story on its own? What would he get from lying about who he is, if he truly is a victim?" The only possible answer that makes sense is that he was a child no one ever reported missing, thus was free to endure such torture and only lied because he thought no one would care otherwise. Or he was completely unrelated just like in the real-life case of the French guy, but then how would he know of the metaphorical dragon and the sex cave, unless the two are strangely unrelated.
I shouldn't have to say at this point if you should be watching or not. I think you already know my opinion on that. While ambitious, this show raises more eye-rolling production questions than gives answers to actual mysteries. It feels like a half-hearted effort from some of the industry vets and a futile attempt at brilliance from some of the younger actors trying to hone their craft. For the love of goodness, where is Secrets and Lies? At least that had Ryan Phillippe and Juliette Lewis.
What do you think? Am I being too harsh on this show? Have you even seen it? If so, do you like it or no? Will you keep watching? What's been your favorite part of the show so far? And who do you think the boy is? To me, he actually looks similar to the supposed kidnapper. Let me know in the comments below (hint: click the no comments button if you see no comments).
Check out my new 5-star comedy novel, Yep, I'm Totally Stalking My Ex-Boyfriend . #AhStalkingIf you’re looking for a scare, check #AFuriousWind, #DARKER, #BrandNewHome or #ThePowerOfTen. For those interested in something a little more dramatic, check out #TheWriter. The full first season is out NOW exclusively on Amazon. If you like fast action/crime check out #ADangerousLow. The sequel A New Low will be out in a few months. Join us on Goodreads to talk about books and TV, and subscribe to and follow my blog with that Google+ button to the right.
Until next time, "What do you mean Mark Watney's missing? It's seriously gonna take four years to get him back? Oh! Well... has anyone called dibs on his Bose system? I just wanna borrow it for four years. I'll give it back when he returns. So long as he doesn't come back all weird and... Johnny Depp-like. "
P.S. Did I make two space references to end this post that had nothing to do with space? Yeah, I did. I was looking for something that would pair well with the premise of the show: person being lost, person suspected dead actually being not dead, person coming back and being completely different. Frankly, I'm proud of myself, and you should be proud of me. I remembered that horrible Astronaut's Wife Depp movie that no one does. I'm givin' you people a gift.
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March 15, 2016
Beware The Ides Of March #SuperTuesday2 #Vote #DemocraticPrimary #RepublicanPrimary
Beware The Ides Of March #SuperTuesday2 #Vote #DemocraticPrimary #RepublicanPrimary
Don't Know Where This Is From
Beware the Ides of March is the famous line uttered in the Shakespeare play that chronicled the life of Julius Caesar, a polarizing but powerful political figure of his time. And now, as we prepare for a sequel to Super Tuesday from two weeks ago, we as Americans are faced with our own terrifying scenarios of a bleak future. No, I'm not talking about any of the potential candidates becoming president, but rather the loss of all the frighteningly funny shenanigans that this political season (#Decision2016) has gifted us all.
To start, I'd like to first mention that I am an Ohioan, born and raised. Tomorrow, my state, along with five others I believe (you can check my math on that) will be having both its Democratic and Republican primaries to choose which candidate in either party we want to become the nominee for that respective party. It is also of note that this year, Cleveland (city in which I was born) is the site of the Republican National Convention (RNC), a big deal. Hopefully, the Democratic convention will come in four years. This is being predicted as the potential throw-down site of a contested convention. Dun dun dunnn! If you've been following politics at all, I'm sure you've heard about the delegate math and the candidate needing a certain amount of delegates to become the official nominee. While everyone's predicting Trump will get that, things are still very much up in the air.
Pushing aside the fact that Kasich is the governor of Ohio and currently nothing more than an also-ran candidate, did you know that Ohio has literally been one of the three (again, check my math) states to be a key decider in who the next president will be? In fact, we have elected every single president going back to 1964, both republicans and democrats. A true swing-state with real power, but hey, keep calling us a fly-over state.
None of that, however, is any reason to fear today's voting, nor is where the drama lies. No, the true tragedy for today will lie within something we will all soon lose: the comedy. This political season, while exhaustively long, has supplied political comedy writers with so much material they've had to leave fantastic jokes on the floor because what they had was way better. Just in the last two months we've seen a grown man running for president talk about his hand size and equate it to his, uh... Little Trump I mean, BIG Trump size.
And We Thought Deez Nuts Was Gonna Be A BIG Deal
We've seen a woman claim she had no idea where a person was when she fought for healthcare when that person was literally standing right behind here.
We've seen New Jersey's Humpty Dumpty stand behind Mr. Hair, unable to fix his facial expression into anything other than child-who's-just-learned-Santa-isn't-real. We've seen a ventriloquist's dummy who was irrelevant back in 2012 rise from whatever republican crypt they buried him in and come back to be even more irrelevant.
Y'all Pulled Me Away From My Madame Tussuads Wax Statue Gig For This?
And, the established name of Bush dropped out of the race a month ago while everybody's crazy-eyed, bespectacled white uncle is still somehow in the race.
Abe Simpson And I Were Just Talking About The Good Ol' Days, Now I'm Here?
We've had digs about height, people swearing that Cruz is actually the Zodiac Killer (I guess he somehow pulled a Stephen King's 11/22/63 to commit the murders?), and near weekly debates that reminded us that not only is Kasich and Ben Carson still running (though Ben has since dropped out), but that Carson has become adept at sleeping on his feet while everyone ignored him (I just wish somebody would attack him).
We've been near pantsuited to death by Hillary, joined John Oliver in trying to #MakeDonaldDrumpfAgain, cheered/booed #TrumpRally, and made--boo! Booooo! I hate your blog! You're not funny! Everything you write is stupid.
"Get 'em outta here. Out!" Sorry, readers, there were some protesters protesting my blog. I don't know why. It's not like that many people actually take me seriously. Anyway, the amount of hilarity and fear that we as Americans have been given in the last few months is a gift. Is it a trying time for us? Are these things serious? Should we be very critical of this process and enter it with sober mind and purest of hearts? Of course. We should do all of those things. Yes, our future is important and yes fearing what may happen regardless of which party you are voting for is stressful. But it is also normal. A little fear, a little leeriness, a little trepidation about what will happen can be healthy when properly channeled. But we must all remember, regardless of what side we are on, step back, breathe and have a little levity. It's serious, but it's also funny. Don't let the weight of the future crush the hope of today. Pray if you have to, laugh, then pray some more.
What do you think? Are you too frightened/angered/upset to find anything comical about this process? You aren't hording hate in your heart are you? Or is our future too serious for a laugh? Or have you given up all hope, regardless of how this goes, and already have your car packed or plane ticket booked for Canada? Let me know in the comments below (hint: click the no comments button if you see no comments).
Check out my new 5-star comedy novel, Yep, I'm Totally Stalking My Ex-Boyfriend . #AhStalkingIf you’re looking for a scare, check #AFuriousWind, #DARKER, #BrandNewHome or #ThePowerOfTen. For those interested in something a little more dramatic, check out #TheWriter. The full first season is out NOW exclusively on Amazon. If you like fast action/crime check out #ADangerousLow. The sequel A New Low will be out in a few months. Join us on Goodreads to talk about books and TV, and subscribe to and follow my blog with that Google+ button to the right.
Until next time, "Damn it, I didn't come to this debate to argue with you!"
P.S. OK, yes, I know the difference, but I wrote because I tried to make a play off of that classic scene in Dr. Strangelove. You know, the one in the war room. Oh, you haven't seen the movie. Well, you lose a few cool points there.
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Twitter@filmbooksbball
Don't Know Where This Is From
Beware the Ides of March is the famous line uttered in the Shakespeare play that chronicled the life of Julius Caesar, a polarizing but powerful political figure of his time. And now, as we prepare for a sequel to Super Tuesday from two weeks ago, we as Americans are faced with our own terrifying scenarios of a bleak future. No, I'm not talking about any of the potential candidates becoming president, but rather the loss of all the frighteningly funny shenanigans that this political season (#Decision2016) has gifted us all.
To start, I'd like to first mention that I am an Ohioan, born and raised. Tomorrow, my state, along with five others I believe (you can check my math on that) will be having both its Democratic and Republican primaries to choose which candidate in either party we want to become the nominee for that respective party. It is also of note that this year, Cleveland (city in which I was born) is the site of the Republican National Convention (RNC), a big deal. Hopefully, the Democratic convention will come in four years. This is being predicted as the potential throw-down site of a contested convention. Dun dun dunnn! If you've been following politics at all, I'm sure you've heard about the delegate math and the candidate needing a certain amount of delegates to become the official nominee. While everyone's predicting Trump will get that, things are still very much up in the air.
Pushing aside the fact that Kasich is the governor of Ohio and currently nothing more than an also-ran candidate, did you know that Ohio has literally been one of the three (again, check my math) states to be a key decider in who the next president will be? In fact, we have elected every single president going back to 1964, both republicans and democrats. A true swing-state with real power, but hey, keep calling us a fly-over state.
None of that, however, is any reason to fear today's voting, nor is where the drama lies. No, the true tragedy for today will lie within something we will all soon lose: the comedy. This political season, while exhaustively long, has supplied political comedy writers with so much material they've had to leave fantastic jokes on the floor because what they had was way better. Just in the last two months we've seen a grown man running for president talk about his hand size and equate it to his, uh... Little Trump I mean, BIG Trump size.
And We Thought Deez Nuts Was Gonna Be A BIG DealWe've seen a woman claim she had no idea where a person was when she fought for healthcare when that person was literally standing right behind here.
We've seen New Jersey's Humpty Dumpty stand behind Mr. Hair, unable to fix his facial expression into anything other than child-who's-just-learned-Santa-isn't-real. We've seen a ventriloquist's dummy who was irrelevant back in 2012 rise from whatever republican crypt they buried him in and come back to be even more irrelevant.
Y'all Pulled Me Away From My Madame Tussuads Wax Statue Gig For This?And, the established name of Bush dropped out of the race a month ago while everybody's crazy-eyed, bespectacled white uncle is still somehow in the race.
Abe Simpson And I Were Just Talking About The Good Ol' Days, Now I'm Here?We've had digs about height, people swearing that Cruz is actually the Zodiac Killer (I guess he somehow pulled a Stephen King's 11/22/63 to commit the murders?), and near weekly debates that reminded us that not only is Kasich and Ben Carson still running (though Ben has since dropped out), but that Carson has become adept at sleeping on his feet while everyone ignored him (I just wish somebody would attack him).
We've been near pantsuited to death by Hillary, joined John Oliver in trying to #MakeDonaldDrumpfAgain, cheered/booed #TrumpRally, and made--boo! Booooo! I hate your blog! You're not funny! Everything you write is stupid.
"Get 'em outta here. Out!" Sorry, readers, there were some protesters protesting my blog. I don't know why. It's not like that many people actually take me seriously. Anyway, the amount of hilarity and fear that we as Americans have been given in the last few months is a gift. Is it a trying time for us? Are these things serious? Should we be very critical of this process and enter it with sober mind and purest of hearts? Of course. We should do all of those things. Yes, our future is important and yes fearing what may happen regardless of which party you are voting for is stressful. But it is also normal. A little fear, a little leeriness, a little trepidation about what will happen can be healthy when properly channeled. But we must all remember, regardless of what side we are on, step back, breathe and have a little levity. It's serious, but it's also funny. Don't let the weight of the future crush the hope of today. Pray if you have to, laugh, then pray some more.
What do you think? Are you too frightened/angered/upset to find anything comical about this process? You aren't hording hate in your heart are you? Or is our future too serious for a laugh? Or have you given up all hope, regardless of how this goes, and already have your car packed or plane ticket booked for Canada? Let me know in the comments below (hint: click the no comments button if you see no comments).
Check out my new 5-star comedy novel, Yep, I'm Totally Stalking My Ex-Boyfriend . #AhStalkingIf you’re looking for a scare, check #AFuriousWind, #DARKER, #BrandNewHome or #ThePowerOfTen. For those interested in something a little more dramatic, check out #TheWriter. The full first season is out NOW exclusively on Amazon. If you like fast action/crime check out #ADangerousLow. The sequel A New Low will be out in a few months. Join us on Goodreads to talk about books and TV, and subscribe to and follow my blog with that Google+ button to the right.
Until next time, "Damn it, I didn't come to this debate to argue with you!"
P.S. OK, yes, I know the difference, but I wrote because I tried to make a play off of that classic scene in Dr. Strangelove. You know, the one in the war room. Oh, you haven't seen the movie. Well, you lose a few cool points there.
Amazon
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Twitter@filmbooksbball
