Curtis Edmonds's Blog, page 10

Resume

CURTIS EDMONDS

HUMAN RESOURCES PROFESSIONAL

Hillsborough, NJ ∙ 908-938-7747 ∙ curtisedmondsnj@gmail.com ∙
https://www.linkedin.com/in/curtisedm...

Enthusiastic
and committed lawyer launching a new career oriented around a true passion for
human resources following a remarkable 20-year career in disability law.  Expert-level knowledge of ADA and FMLA leave
issues, employment law, and diversity and inclusion. Eager to develop expertise
in the field of human resources while leveraging previous professional
experience. 

EDUCATION

MASTERS
IN HUMAN RESOURCES MANAGEMENT | Rutgers University | New Brunswick, NJ | 09/2016 – 01/2018

JURIS
DOCTOR | University of Texas School of Law | Austin, TX | 09/1991 – 05/1994

BACHELOR
OF ARTS | Baylor University | Waco, TX | 09/1987
– 12/1990

CORE
COMPETENCIES

SHRM-CP CertificationTraining Program Development & DeliveryDiversity & InclusionEmployee Relations



Organizational ChangeADA and FMLA Leave ManagementConfident & Experienced Public SpeakerCivil Rights Legal Expertise

Civil Rights Legal Expertise

PROFESSIONAL
EXPERIENCE

HUMAN
RESOURCES MANAGER                                                                                                                                                 09/2018
– Present

Disability
Allies / East Brunswick, NJ

Supervised
work of two direct reports and temporary assistantsDeveloped and
implemented comprehensive recruiting procedure Interviewed
applicants and worked with hiring manager to place candidatesAuthored
successful plan to bring HR documentation for all employees into compliance
with state guidelinesImplemented
successful plan for state-required drug testing complianceBrought
benefits program in line with New Jersey sick leave lawCounseled
senior staff on personnel issues regarding employee performance

CONSULTANT                                                                                                                                                                                  03/2018
– 07/2018

National
Disability Institute / Hillsborough, NJ

Spearheaded
organizational change effort for federally-funded financial loan program for
people with disabilities for national non-profit disability services
organizationSuccessfully
implemented recommendations for change, such as negotiating lower interest
rate, advocating for elimination of processing fee, simplifying application
form, and redesigning marketing materials and website, resulting in marked
increase in loan applications Raised
awareness about program through meetings with assistive technology vendors and
service providers through meetings, conferences and trade shows, developing new
leads, and working collaboratively with stakeholders

PROGRAM
MANAGER / ATTORNEY                                                                                                                                            01/2005
– 07/2016

Disability
Rights New Jersey / Trenton, NJ

Provided non-profit
legal representation and advocacy services for 60 litigation clients with disabilities in civil rights and
employment law cases over 10 yearsChampioned
the legal interests of clients with disabilities in state and federal court in
cases related to ADA compliance, employment law, disability discrimination, and
health insurance benefitsConducted
confidential investigations of complaints of abuse and neglect by patients in
health care settingsMonitored
legislative and policy changes and testified before New Jersey legislature on
disability policy concernsManaged
statewide assistive technology center that produced the highest volume of
recycled durable medical equipment items nationwide, provided services for 8000 people with disabilities resulting
in savings of $1.12MDeveloped
detailed curriculum for 3-4 presentations per year for training sessions for up
to 100 participants on Americans
with Disabilities Act, Equal Employment Opportunity compliance, and diversity
and inclusion

TRAINING SPECIALIST                                                                                                                                                                    
01/2002 – 01/2005                                                                                                                                         Georgia Institute of Technology | Atlanta,
GA

Training
Specialist for regional disability technical assistance and training centerPresented at
over 25 regional and national
conferences on ADA compliance, FMLA leave, and technology issuesAuthored
several law review articles and research papers on disability law and assistive
technology, published in the North Dakota and Tulane Maritime Law ReviewsWon a
competitive federal grant to develop educational modules and other resources
for accessible distance education for professors teaching students who are
blind, revised 2 existing online courses and developed the curriculum for a new
online educational module to showcase accessibility

ADA SPECIALIST                                                                                                                                                                              
09/1997 – 12/2002                                                                                                                                         Texas Governor’s Committee on People with
Disabilities / Austin, TX

Led quarterly
ADA technical assistance and training for 50-75 people with disabilities, employers
and educatorsWorked with
legislature and Governor’s Office staff on policy issues affecting Texans with
disabilitiesPublished
quarterly ADA update and disseminated information about new ADA cases to state
agency ADA coordinators

STAFF ASSISTANT                                                                                                                                                                           
06/1994 – 09/1997                                                                                                                                         Office of U.S. Senator Phil Gramm / Dallas,
TX

Handled
correspondence from constituents about Social Security, disability, military,
and veterans’ affairsAssisted
Texas veterans in getting documentation for military medals

PUBLICATIONS

“Four
Emerging Issues in Americans with Disabilities Act Litigation Involving
Hospitals and Other Health Care Providers,” The
Review of Litigation, vol. 20, p. 623 (2001).“Snakes and
Ladders:  Expanding the Definition of
‘Major Life Activity’ Under the Americans with Disabilities Act,” Texas Tech Law Review, vol. 33, p. 321
(2002).“Two
Revolutions, One Goal:  Increasing
Accessibility to Information Technology for People with Disabilities,” SCI Life, Fall 2002/Winter 2003, p.28.“When
Pigs Fly: Litigation Under the Air Carrier Access Act,” North Dakota Law Review, vol. 87, p. 687 (2003).“Providing
Access to Students with Disabilities in Online Distance Education: Legal and Technical
Concerns for Higher Education,” American
Journal of Distance Education, vol. 18, p. 51 (2004).“Won’t
You Let Me Take You on a Sea Cruise: The Americans with Disabilities Act and
Cruise Ships,” Tulane Maritime Law
Journal, vol. 28, p. 271 (2004).“A Meaningful
Opportunity To Participate: A Handbook for Georgia Court Officials on Courtroom
Accessibility for Individuals with Disabilities,” Georgia Administrative Office
of the Courts (2004).“Closing the
Circuit: Accessibility from the Ground Up,” Information
Technology and Disabilities Journal, vol. 11, no. 1 (2005) (principal
author).Book Review,
“Seeing Beyond Blindness,” by Shelley Kinash, American Journal of Distance Education, vol. 21, p. 51 (2007).“Can Costco
Reign in Spain?” (2017). Available at SSRN: https://ssrn.com/abstract=2934940 “The Impact
of Proposed Immigration Policy Changes on American Health Care Providers,”
(2017). Available at SSRN: https://ssrn.com/abstract
=2954743 “Lowering the
Threshold: How Far Has the Americans with Disabilities Act Expanded Access to
the Courts in Employment Litigation?” Journal
of Law and Policy (Brooklyn Law School), vol 26, p.1 (2018).

Why I Write

One of my best-loved books is Some Can Whistle, by Larry McMurtry. The book’s protagonist is plagued by migraines. McMurtry likens the migraines to as Apache Indian, lurking on the vast Texas prairie, waiting for a weak moment to strike and bury his tomahawk in the soft brain-meat of the headache sufferer.

I don’t have migraines. I work for an under-funded non-profit in Trenton by-God New Jersey, providing legal services to poor people with disabilities who don’t have other options. I have six-year-old twin daughters.  I have a punch list of things to do on my house that is taller than I am. I don’t need migraine headaches. What I have are Apaches.

These are—for want of a better term—story Apaches. They lurk around every corner, and they show up unexpectedly and brandish their long spears and weapons and demand attention. The only way to make them go away forever is to imprison them in my battered Dell laptop as pixels in Microsoft Word.

Sometimes this is an easy process. One Saturday afternoon when my kids were little and my wife had taken them to her mom’s house in South Jersey, and I had nothing to do, and a story Apache jumped me while I was making a sandwich. I had a half-assed idea of doing a parody of the New York Times travel section for McSweeney’s, and the story Apache jumped in my head and said one word—“Tralfamadore”—and it was on like Donkey Kong.

Sometimes this is a difficult process. I have a long-term idea about an alcoholic reclusive detective living in a seedy row house in Trenton who has the paranormal power to find lost things. (I came up with the idea after reading about St. Anthony of Padua, to whom Catholics pray to find things that are lost.) I decided that the story wouldn’t work because of the obvious reason that there aren’t many stories you can tell when the main character is functionally omniscient. But the story Apache is still there, and shows up occasionally, because I haven’t bothered to kill him.

That is the simplest reason why I write. I have odd ideas stuck in my head, and they show up at odd times and torment me, and the only way I can dispatch them is to write them down. It’s not an act of creation; it’s an act of exorcism.

I don’t think that why I write is anywhere near as interesting a topic as why I publish. Anyone can write, and does. Why do we want to get the things we write into the market?

Probably the one thing that I’ve written in my life that the most people have read was myMcSweeney’s piece where I wrote about fictional drugs that enhance literary performance. (Like Orwellbutrin, which was a known dystopian agent, ha ha ha.) It was basically a list of jokes making fun of authors, and it got shared to the NPR Facebook site, and you can’t ask for more exposure than that.

In the first draft of the piece, I made a joke about Oprah Winfrey, and so I decided to follow that up with a joke about Jonathan Franzen, because why not. And when I submitted it, the Franzen joke got cut. This was, my McSweeney’s editor explained, because Dave Eggers is friends with Franzen and didn’t want to explain to him why some dumb guy writing for McSweeney’s was cracking jokes about him. This may be the highlight of my literary career, and if that’s true I don’t like to think about it much.

I have had very, very little success in my career as a writer. I’ve written two novels and one short story collection, and they have done very well for a self-published author, which is like being the prettiest cow in the slaughterhouse. I’m not sure, from day to day, whether I am going to keep trying or not. But I know why I want to try, which is pure unadulterated egomania. I want good reviews. I want the respect of my literary colleagues. I want just enough public acclaim to make me feel good about myself but not enough where I’m not able to wander around the local Shop-Rite in Crocs and jean-shorts and a Dallas Cowboys T-shirt without getting accosted. I want my kids to be proud that their Daddy is a writer. I would like enough money to continue living my comfortable suburban existence without the annoyance of my daily commute into a crumbling post-industrial wasteland but not enough money to where I have to hire security guards to keep the Beagle Boys from robbing my McDuckian money pit.

I think that’s what a lot of people want. The thing about writing is that, if you’re good enough, and enough people read your stuff and give you money, you can achieve that. I can’t get that kind of money and fame from athletics or acting or dancing or singing or politics or business or soft-core pornography, because I don’t have interests or talent in any of these areas. I do have at least a modest writing talent (he said, after just confessing to being an egomaniac) and a definite compulsion to write down stories, and there now exists the independent-publishing structure to get my books into the market (or at least the Amazon part of the market) so that I at least have the chance of getting the kind of success I would like to have.

And if the first two books haven’t gotten me the success I would like (and they haven’t) that’s okay. The story Apaches are still out there. They can deliver me another great idea for a new book, and maybe this one will be better and I’ll have a little better luck with it. (I am comforted by the idea that the next one can’t do worse, it’s not possible.) At any rate, that’s what I’m hoping for, and that’s why I write.

If My Name Was Amanda

Author Curtis Edmonds and illustrator Mat Sadler issue their new rhyming alphabet children’s book, IF MY NAME WAS AMANDA, on July 4! This adorable book takes its lead character on an alphabetical journey through America.

A little girl with a big imagination dreams of the adventures she might have, if she was somebody else instead of herself – from befriending sharks in Atlanta to playing jazz in New Orleans to riding her bike in Zanesville.

The possibilities are endless, but her favorite person to be is still herself, at home with her family.

With playful, rhyming text and colorful, engaging illustrations, this whirlwind introduction to the richness and variety of life in the USA is a story that children will delight in reading over and over, and using as a springboard for their own imaginative adventures.

Lies I Have Told

LIES I HAVE TOLD is about failure. This collection of flash-fiction pieces by Curtis Edmonds covers many subjects, such as death, parenting, politics, mid-level corporate isolation and depression, vampires, the unholy fires of Yog-Sototh, and peanut butter. But at its core, almost all of these pieces share the common bond of failure.

And, as anyone who’s ever watched someone slip on a banana peel and fall down can attest, failure can be very, very funny.

LIES I HAVE TOLD is a collection of thirty-two short stories by Curtis Edmonds, a frequent contributor to McSweeney’s Internet Tendency and other humorous online publications, including Liberty Island Magazine, The Big Jewel, Yankee Pot Roast, and Untoward Magazine, and the North Dakota Law Review. All of these publications have very high standards and accept only the finest material. So, what you’re reading here (with a couple of exceptions) are pieces that, well, have, sort of not met those high standards.

They’re still funny, though!

And the book is TOTALLY just 99 cents on Kindle.

This collection includes very hilarious flash-fiction pieces, such as:

Advice To Young WritersA Brief History of the Diet Pepsi Eradication SocietyConsider The Red LobsterDebating the Real IssuesGordon Ramsay Spends a Week In My KitchenKevin Sullivan, Holiday MediatorThe National Institute of Precognition Research Reluctantly Rejects a Prospective Fifteen-Year-Old ApplicantAn Oral History of Our Magazine’s Decision to Print the “Message From the Elder Gods” AdvertorialProgram Listings for IndirecTVSubmission Guidelines for The Coconut Wheel: A Literary Exploration of Candy Crush SagaWelcome to Flavortown!Yankees Broadcaster Michael Kay Would Kindly Like You to Stop Overusing His Home Run Call

Wreathed

When Wendy Jarrett’s mother dragged her to a mysterious funeral, Wendy wasn’t expecting to meet the man of her dreams. But Wendy felt an immediate attraction to Adam Lewis, the nephew of the dead man. But when a fight over an inherited beach house threatens to separate Wendy and Adam, she has to take action to answer the unresolved questions about Adam’s crazy uncle in order to find true love.

WREATHED is a humorous contemporary romance about love, death, and a perfect beach house. It is available as an e-book at at the Kindle store on Amazon. At this time, you can get the print version on Amazon or at Barnes and Noble. And you can mark it as to-be-read on Goodreads.

If you’re a reviewer, and would like a free electronic copy of WREATHED, you can contact me directly at curtisedmonds(at)gmail(dot)com.

The first chapter is posted on this website for your perusal.

WREATHED has received the B.R.A.G. Medallion.

What They’re Saying

This is a fantastic book for the reader who is looking for something different, with a little mystery, a little romance and a lot of uniqueness. I have not read anything else by the author, but will keep an eye out for his works. If they are half as good as this one, I am sure I will enjoy them. I guess, by now, you have realized I loved this book and recommend it to everyone looking for a good, different read. If I could give it more than five stars, I would—and I have never said that about any book before. – Goodreads

I have to say that if you like Janet Evanovich, you’re going to like Curtis Edmonds. You need this book in your life. – Interrobanged

The dynamic between the girls and their Mom was so enjoyable. They truly made me laugh so hard and a few times I just stopped breathing. I really want to scream about the reveals but I can’t, trust me its a must read! Glass of Chardonnay is optional but recommended. – Amazon

Wreathed is a cute but unpredictable love story of Wendy and Adam, who meet at a funeral of all places! The characters are relatable ones we quickly come to know and love. Hidden in the mayhem and madness along the way, are tender love lessons worth treasuring. An unusual romantic comedy – enjoyable to the surprising end. – Goodreads

This was one of those reads that once you start reading you will find in hard to put down this quick read until the end being so full of romance and humor. I found the story line unique that the main characters meet while attending a funeral sparks seem to come about for Wendy and Adam. Then the story will take off from there with many twist and turns and in the end you have a fantastic read. Be ready because there will be some mystery and romance along in this unique read. – Amazon

Hello world!

Welcome to WordPress. This is your first post. Edit or delete it, then start writing!

Transcript of Evidence Provided At Justifiable Homicide Hearing

INTERIOR. SURVEILLANCE CAMERA FOOTAGE. HALLWAY, MID-PRICED FAMILY RESORT HOTEL.

Oh, hey there. Having a fun time? Man, we sure are. I guess we’re vacation neighbors, how about that?

Name’s Doorslammer. Bob Doorslammer. We’re staying in the two rooms next to you, and the three across the hall. We’re a big family, the Doorslammers. I’m across the hall, and my boys are in the four other rooms, with their kids.

You probably maybe heard someone slamming the doors last night. Yeah? That was us, sure enough. It’s an interesting teleological argument, you know. Do we slam doors because we’re Doorslammers, or did we get the Doorslammer name because we like to slam doors? Either way, we sure do love to slam doors. I mean, it’s okay if you like to close your door quietly, the way you do. We sure do appreciate your consideration. But in this family? Hell, no. We slam doors in this family. Here, let me show you.

DOORSLAMMER SLAMS his door closed.

Yeah! That was a good one. Anyway, we sure do love to slam doors in our family. I do it, of course, and Billy Ray does, and Bob, Junior, and Mickey and Ricky, and of course all their kids follow in their grandpa’s footsteps. Just slamming doors all night. Doesn’t matter what time of day, neither. Poke your head out at eleven o’clock at night, you’re bound to find one of us slamming a door.

The way you do it, see, is you don’t do it constantly. Because that would just be annoying, right? What you have to do is space it out. Slam a door, that’s fine, but then wait six or seven minutes before you do it again. You know, so it’s not constant or anything. But the grandkids, you see, they don’t understand that, they just slam the door whenever. That’s why we have to spend so much time yelling at them.

Are you okay? Because your face is turning kinda red.

Anyway, whenever we go anywhere, that’s like Christmas and New Year’s for the grandkids, because there’s so many doors to slam. They just love doing it, bless their little hearts. Well, it keeps them from knocking down all the other kids in the hallways, although they like doing that, too.

Your little girls seem nice and quiet, though. Must be nice. Although I thought I heard one of ’em crying, though. Wonder why that was.

Anyway, it’s nice seeing the grandkids again. They sure do have a lot of energy, though. I usually quit slamming doors around midnight, but they can keep it up until two or three in the morning. That’s some real initiative, if you ask me. I just love hearing that sound, you know. SLAM! That’s what I’m talking about. Even if I’m trying to sleep, you know, it’s kinda reassuring to hear that sound. Well, you know what I mean.

What I always try and do in a hotel is to slam the door while I’m inside my room. See? That way, if I’m staying next to some jerk who doesn’t appreciate the sound a well-hung door makes when you slam the hell out of it, I can always deny doing it. “Wasn’t me,” I say. “I didn’t hear nothing.” And they can’t prove it was me, you know. You’d be surprised at just how many people get disturbed when you start slamming doors in the middle of the night. I guess they don’t appreciate the finer things in life like you and me.

You’re checking out tomorrow? So are we. Gotta get back to work, you know. I have a great job, I tell you what. You know how the government makes them big call centers keep up those “do not call” lists? Well, turns out, if you know the right people, you can buy those lists. Don’t cost much, either.

So what me and my boys do, we buy up those lists of people who don’t want to be called, and we call ’em. The law says you can’t call anyone on those lists if you wanna sell ’em something, so we don’t sell ’em anything. We just call and hang up.

Why? Well, we’re trying to figure out when people are at home, and who picks up their phone and who doesn’t. Some people are just conditioned to pick up a ringing phone. That’s our customer base. We just call at all hours of the day and night. If you pick up your phone, well, we can sell your number to people who do opinion surveys, and charities, and solar power contractors. Talk about making some money!

Why are you picking up that fire extinguisher? You wouldn’t hit a man with something like that, would you? Hey! Put that thing down!

Brief Recaps of “Low Bandwidth”, an Imaginary Reality Television Show About Media Addicti

Week One

The twelve contestants arrive in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, where they will spend the next thirteen weeks in isolation in a remote farmhouse in the heart of Amish country. Each contestant is asked to place any electronic devices in a below-ground root cellar for safekeeping. The producers collect eighteen smartphones, fourteen tablet computers, seven e-book readers, and a Zune music player. Contestants are subsequently searched before entering the house. Producers seize seven Apple watches, four Amazon Dash buttons, and a sixth-generation iPod Nano that Kevin had tried to hide inside a hollowed-out electric razor. All the contestants gather for a traditional Amish family dinner. Santos and Rebecca get into an argument as to whether Omar from The Wire was on Boardwalk Empire or not. The argument escalates as both parties discover that they have no way to settle the dispute without access to the Internet Movie Database, and Rebecca dumps a bowl of egg noodles on Santos’s head.

Week Two

The twelve contestants are divided into two teams–Team Wi-Fi and Team Broadband–and both are given an initial challenge. Both teams are given a long-handled axe and a cord of wood and are asked to make firewood. Cameron of Team Wi-Fi had previously binge-watched seven straight seasons of Axe Men, and was able to instruct his fellow team members in the proper way of splitting hardwood. Although Team Broadband was able to overcome internal dissention and split three logs, Team Wi-Fi was the clear winner. Team Wi-Fi won the award, which allowed them to watch a YouTube recording of Ryan Seacrest reading a T. Coraghessan Boyle short story. Janice of Team Broadband was unanimously voted out of the farmhouse after fighting with a fellow team member over whether the last Adele album was overrated.

Week Three

Although Rebecca has adopted the “evil and calculating” persona, standard for all TV reality shows, she effectively leads Team Broadband to a decisive win in the butter-churning contest. As a reward, Team Broadband gets to go out for a celebratory dinner at the Lancaster T.G.I. Fridays – but team members are crushed to find out that all the televisions above the bar have been turned off. Back at the farmhouse, Team Wi-Fi struggles with using a wood-burning oven to make bread, but Marvin is able to save the day with baking skills honed from watching two seasons of Cake Boss. Sky and Delilah of Team Broadband are up for elimination at the end, with Delilah leaving the farmhouse after the producers offer to replace her iPhone 4C with a new Samsung Galaxy.

Week Four

Andre the sound guy inadvertently lets it slip to the contestants that there’s a new red-band trailer out for the new Will Ferrell movie. Santos is distraught once he learns that Andre isn’t able to bring any electronic devices with him to the farmhouse. Team Wi-Fi wins the cornhole challenge thanks to a last-second toss from LaTricia, and gets to spend fifteen minutes looking at Wil Wheaton’s Twitter feed. Both teams have to work together to hitch up the oxen and plow the west pasture for spring planting. Carol of Team Wi-Fi is voted out of the farmhouse after she admits that she’s never listened to the Making a Murderer podcast.

Week Five

Rebecca switches allegiances from Team Broadband to Team Wi-Fi after she is accused at cheating in the quilting challenge. LaTricia and Hannah of Team Wi-Fi are less than happy about the switch, and Hannah has to be restrained from throwing a shoo-fly pie at Rebecca. The remaining contestants all pitch in to dig a new irrigation ditch, and are rewarded by having James Earl Jones visit the farm to read them selected headers from their e-mail accounts. Cameron learns that his Aunt Christy is finally marrying her longtime boyfriend, and is crushed when he can’t access their wedding registry. Alex of Team Wi-Fi is voted out after he starts a rumor that One Direction is getting back together.

Week Six

Team Broadband is rocked by a divisive argument between Kevin and Sky over which of the cartoon characters on the old Beavis and Butthead show was Butthead. The hard words between them wreck the team’s performance at the threshing challenge, and Team Wi-Fi is rewarded with a trip to watch the filming of a live television program. Unfortunately, the program in question is Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives. While Cameron and Marvin are excited about meeting Guy Fieri, Hannah harbors some lingering resentment related to some bad service she had at Fieri’s New York restaurant. Hannah is asked to leave the restaurant after she berates Fieri regarding her opinion of his “Donkey Sauce,” and is subsequently voted off the show as well.

Week Seven

LaTricia moves to Team Broadband after an acrimonious spat with Rebecca over who should get credit for Team Wi-Fi’s victory in the sheep-shearing challenge. Team Wi-Fi is presented with one hour of free Netflix access, but the only screen they can use is on a vintage Dell Inspiron laptop running Windows 95, and the buffering makes it impossible for the team to enjoy Orange Is the New Black. Kevin and Sky work together to repair the tractor, and begin a subtle flirtation. Santos is voted out of the farmhouse after making a sexist comment about the lady in the Progressive insurance commercials.

Week Eight

All hell breaks loose on Team Wi-Fi after Rebecca convinces Cameron and Marvin that the other has the password for the neighboring farm’s wi-fi hotspot. But before the two can come to blows, they are reminded of their shared love of Beyonce’s Formation video. The two teammates work together in the corn-husking challenge, but are defeated by the efforts of Kevin and Sky. For its reward, Team Broadband gets to have lunch at the Cracker Barrel Country Store in Lancaster, followed by country-western karaoke night at the Texas Roadhouse. Rebecca and LaTricia are both put up for elimination, but in a surprising twist, LaTricia reveals that Sky had found a discarded Android phone in the restroom of the Texas Roadhouse, and that it was not handed in. Sky was asked to leave the show, leaving a distraught Kevin behind.

Week Nine

Kevin vows vengeance on LaTricia, to the point of sabotaging her in the whoopie pie challenge. A victorious Team Wi-Fi celebrates its win, only to find out that their reward is to sell the whoopie pies they made out of a food truck in York. As Cameron and Marvin relax after a hard day’s work. Rebecca and LaTricia form an unstable alliance to protect themselves. But after Kevin and LaTricia are both put up for elimination, Rebecca changes her vote, sending LaTricia home with a Game of Thrones DVD box set and a Amazon Fire mini-tablet.

Week Ten

With only four players left, the teams are merged and put to work clearing tables at an Amish smorgasbord restaurant. The contestants are surprised to find that, after ten weeks of isolation from electronic media, they are more cheerful and hardworking than before, and actually find pleasure in cleaning up after diners, even when they leave half-eaten pieces of pie on their tables. Cameron and Kevin bond over complaining about having to hose down the parking lot, but their short-lived alliance is shattered when Cameron turns the hose on Kevin. Kevin gets the last laugh when Cameron is sent home following a serious injury resulting from an accidental tumble into the wood-burning stove.

Week Eleven

Kevin and Marvin decide to put aside their differences regarding their respective positions on who should have won the sixth season of Survivor and agree to vote Rebecca off the show no matter what. Rebecca attempts to seduce both Kevin and Marvin but is rebuffed. Hurt by the rejection, Rebecca accepts the producers’ offer to return to civilization, and her angry walk-off speech at the end garners five hundred thousand views on YouTube. Rebecca is immediately offered the lead role in Bachelorette: Alaska, which she accepts.

Week Twelve

Kevin and Marvin are told for the first time that either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton will be the next President. They elect to split the contest winnings and stay in Amish country permanently.

Simply the Best

Who's the best baseball player you've ever seen play in person?

— Cespedes Family BBQ (@CespedesBBQ) February 8, 2019

So I am kind of obsessive about things like this, so I figured that I would, you know, as one does, do a whole 25-man roster.

Catchers

Ivan Rodriguez
Johnny Bench

Infielders

David Ortiz
Julio Franco
Cal Ripken
George Brett
Adrian Beltre
Pete Rose
Alex Rodriguez

Outfielders

Ken Griffey, Jr.
Rickey Henderson
Ichiro Suzuki
Mike Trout

Starting Rotation

Nolan Ryan
Roger Clemens
Tom Glavine
David Cone
Yu Darvish

Relief Pitchers

Mariano Rivera
Goose Gossage
John Wetteland
Billy Wagner
Eric Gagne
Kenny Rogers
Sparky Lyle

Lineup

LF Rickey Henderson
2B Julio Franco
RF Ichiro Suzuki
DH Alex Rodriguez
CF Ken Griffey, Jr.
1B David Ortiz
3B George Brett
SS Cal Ripken, Jr.
C Ivan Rodriguez

So this is kind of a sentimental list, as it probably ought to be. Lots more Rangers on here than you’d probably like–and lots of Mariners, because that tended (for whatever reason) to be the team I saw more at Arlington when I lived there than anyone else. The lineup leads fairly left-handed, but the bench has a lot of right-handed hitters, so you can substitute as you like. I have Rose in as a super-utility guy, and Kenny Rogers in as a long-relief spot-starter.

I probably shouldn’t have Sparky Lyle in there, but I honestly couldn’t think of anyone better, and he was the long-time manager of our local independent league team, so he stays. I probably should have someone else in there other than Darvish, but I wanted another Ranger and he was just so awesome to see in person.

What Does Your Flying Car Say About You?

2048 Chevrolet Dymaxion HC

You know how to hack the software in your food replicator to copy the code from the chocolate chip cookie recipe to make chocolate chip waffles.

2045 Ford F-190

You have exceeded maximum altitude tolerance while your truck was loaded with a half-ton of plascrete, just to see if you could.

2049 Tesla Aviator

You have a bumper sticker that says “My Other Car Is A Re-Entry Vehicle.”

2051 BMW 990i

You know how to do an Immelmann turn, but you’ve only done it once, on the aerobahn.

2050 Mini Airman

You have maxed out the space in your on-board musical library, but the song that you’ve played most is the MP9 of “Flight of the Bumblebee.”

2050 Volkswagen Twin-Jetta

You have had to change apartments due to a romantic falling-out with a robot.

2049 Honda Mach V

You have used the hover feature to help dislodge a stuck Frisbee from the roof of your house.

2047 AMC Skyduster

You have made an emergency landing in an alfalfa field, more than once.

2050 GMC Canyonero XL

You have spent at least one Saturday orbiting the field at your daughter’s soccer game while relaying observations down to the coach of her team.

2051 Dodge Grand Aerovan

You have told your wife that you were taking your van in for aileron service while you were actually visiting a chromosomal reuptake clinic to rewrite the parameters on your male pattern baldness gene.

2053 Mazda FC-19 Rotary

You have tried to drag-race a Cessna, and lost.

2049 Audi F7

You have tweaked your on-board voice navigation system so it sounds like a German WWI fighter ace.

2051 DeLorean Gullwing Classic

You have vowed to punch the next smart-ass who asks you where the flux capacitor is.