Max Davine's Blog - Posts Tagged "heartbreak"
One For The Heart
I’m not talking to the muscle which pushes blood around my body here. He does a fine job. I’m talking to the figurative heart. That fuzzy, dewy eyed adorer of this and that. That compulsive gift-giver who sits beside the reigns held by my brain, and sues to seize them every now and then. That one which flutters and sings and flushes with promises and issues wave after wave of joyous emotion, like coming home for the first time, whenever he knows he’s in the presence of a certain type of woman. You know, she walks in the room and your insides change color? Your emotions lift and all of a sudden nobody else exists but you two? She’s like a beacon shining in the fog, which somehow feels sweeter for having her light shone into it? That heart. The one which aches and wails and cries and cracks and scars forever when said woman says “eww, no!” Or, as the case of one third of the time (okay, there’s only been three) “Yes! Oh, I’m so glad, I’m so happy….oh wait….wait, that’s wrong…I mean to say….eww, no!” Yes, we’re going to have a talk.
Come out, I want to meet you. Stand in front of me, and show yourself.
Why did I expect something withered, blackened and smashed? Why did I expect pieces of something, rather than a whole? I’m not looking at what I felt like when you were still inside me. I’m seeing something whole! Something shining! Something entirely unknown to anyone but me and yet…already willing to leap across to the next, whenever she joins a group of friends on a night out, is standing by a fireplace on a film set or struts out into a gauntlet of camera flashes, and strikes a slightly awkward but fluid pose. That’s quite frightening, how ready you seem. How healthy, and full of joy. Why are you aching? Have you learned nothing from those scars? Where are they? I felt them, they must be there somewhere…
Anyway, my point is, you have to be more careful! Every time, you leap out. You open yourself, and of course you get stepped on, and destroyed. It hurts me, don’t you see? No, you don’t, do you? You’re just ready and waiting. I can see their faces in your soft red light. Faces the first time I saw them. You’ve kept them. What on earth for? All they did was hurt us! Two of them unintentionally…one of them carelessly…but that’s all they really did. Get them out of there! Get rid of them! For fuck sake, learn! Don’t be so ready to let another one in. Don’t be generous with yourself. You’re only going to cause me hurt.
What do you mean you did learn? I can see from your melancholy enthusiasm that you’ve learned nothing. You’re just going to leap right into that fire again. You’re going to drag me with you. I know it’s exciting, but the crash at the end!
You learned that you’re willing? I can see that! You need to calm down. Lock yourself up! Be harder to win over! No? You got easier to win over, didn’t you? Why?
Because it is not strength to withdraw, to recluse, or to become jaded. It is strength to stand ready and willing to suffer it all again. This may hurt. This may even be embarrassing, sad or frustrating, and you may feel as though you’ve wasted your time…but look again. You wasted months there. Over a year there! Months and months there…and you even had your doubts most of the time, but you went in anyway.
That’s not an indication of your shortcomings. That’s testament to your strength. To stay naïve when you’ve found nothing but pain is stronger than to become cynical and bitter. That’s why you’re better than I am.
I guess I can be better too.
Come out, I want to meet you. Stand in front of me, and show yourself.
Why did I expect something withered, blackened and smashed? Why did I expect pieces of something, rather than a whole? I’m not looking at what I felt like when you were still inside me. I’m seeing something whole! Something shining! Something entirely unknown to anyone but me and yet…already willing to leap across to the next, whenever she joins a group of friends on a night out, is standing by a fireplace on a film set or struts out into a gauntlet of camera flashes, and strikes a slightly awkward but fluid pose. That’s quite frightening, how ready you seem. How healthy, and full of joy. Why are you aching? Have you learned nothing from those scars? Where are they? I felt them, they must be there somewhere…
Anyway, my point is, you have to be more careful! Every time, you leap out. You open yourself, and of course you get stepped on, and destroyed. It hurts me, don’t you see? No, you don’t, do you? You’re just ready and waiting. I can see their faces in your soft red light. Faces the first time I saw them. You’ve kept them. What on earth for? All they did was hurt us! Two of them unintentionally…one of them carelessly…but that’s all they really did. Get them out of there! Get rid of them! For fuck sake, learn! Don’t be so ready to let another one in. Don’t be generous with yourself. You’re only going to cause me hurt.
What do you mean you did learn? I can see from your melancholy enthusiasm that you’ve learned nothing. You’re just going to leap right into that fire again. You’re going to drag me with you. I know it’s exciting, but the crash at the end!
You learned that you’re willing? I can see that! You need to calm down. Lock yourself up! Be harder to win over! No? You got easier to win over, didn’t you? Why?
Because it is not strength to withdraw, to recluse, or to become jaded. It is strength to stand ready and willing to suffer it all again. This may hurt. This may even be embarrassing, sad or frustrating, and you may feel as though you’ve wasted your time…but look again. You wasted months there. Over a year there! Months and months there…and you even had your doubts most of the time, but you went in anyway.
That’s not an indication of your shortcomings. That’s testament to your strength. To stay naïve when you’ve found nothing but pain is stronger than to become cynical and bitter. That’s why you’re better than I am.
I guess I can be better too.
