Rachel Maude's Blog

Miss Maude on Snagging Your Crush

 

Let's CELEBRATE the FIRST MONDAY OF THE MONTH with….

                MISS MAUDE'S ILLUSTRATED GUIDE TO  FLIRT-TANG

    ♥ Eight cute and simple rules to follow upon punishment of death. ♥

1. Next time your crush greets you in the hall with a casual, "Hey," try replying, ". . . IS FOR HORSETH!" and gallop around in circles. To amp up your sex appeal, snort emphatically while tossing your hair.

2. Bring a banana to school. At lunch, seductively peel the banana, smiling at your crush the whole time. Now that you've got him going, slowly smash the banana into your left eye.

3. When it comes to attention-getting style, drop that "sexy bombshell" look for understated glamour. And remember: no girl's wardrobe is complete without a classic little black diaper.

4. If you're too shy to talk to your crush, why not pass him a note? I recommend, "You're my sole reason for living." It's a great icebreaker.

5. BE CONFIDENT. Confidence is the number one thing guys notice! Besides boobs.

6. BE BOOBS.

7. Find subtle ways to draw attention to your assets. If you want him to notice your lips, slather them in lip gloss! If you want him to notice your butt, slather it in lip gloss!

And finally…

8. WEAR RED. It'll remind him of your period.

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Tellin' it like it is, bébés! One Monday at a time…

xo

Miss Maude

 

 

Dear Miss Maude # 7

Dear Miss Maude,

There is this guy who keeps flirting with me. Normally I would be OK with this, seeing as I kinda like him, but this particular boy is dating my best friend. We used to like each other before he dated her, and I don't know if he is purposely flirting or just acting out of old habits. I do know that I don't want to be the reason they break up. Is there anything I can do to make him stop flirting?

Sincerely,

Confused Girl

P.S. I already pointed it out, and the flirting has continued.

Dear Confused Girl, OMG:

FLIRST OF ALL:

I'm pretty sure "purposely flirting" and "acting out of old habits" are the same thing. Not that I'm saying flirting-by-accident doesn't happen. For instance, I knew this guy once who really laid on the charm. I mean like constant unwavering eye contact, super cute smiles, and an almost physical incapacity to keep his hands off me. I know!!! I was 100 percent sure he was ABSOLUTELY ON-PURPOSE FLIRTING WITH ME.

Baby Justin: Not Flirty. Just Gassy.

Turns out he was a COMPLETE INFANT.

My point is, unless this guy of yours happens to be a deeply un-self-aware "Baby Justin-type," then yes: he's very intentionally flirting with you.

Now, in my experience (and I've been around the block, bébés!) THERE ARE TWO FLAVORS OF FLIRT-TANG: ego-oriented flirt-tang, and goal-oriented flirt-tang.

Let me 'splain:

Ego-oriented flirting is relatively harmless. Flirting is a skill, after all: the more you do it, the better you get. It's important to keep yourself in fighting shape, so when you do meet the guy or girl of your dreams, you're ready to CONQUER and DESTROY them.

Whoops! Hahaha. I mean captivate and delight.

It's a balance, of course. You don't want to flirt ALL THE TIME with just ANYONE because then, in the words of Karl Marx, "your flirt-tang loses value." In other words, when the time comes to flirt with the guy or girl of your dreams, he or she won't feel, you know, special. And making your object-of-desire feel special is a key part of CONQUERING and DES… splagh!!! Sorry, sorry…

A key part of captivating and delighting them.

FLIRT-TANG FLAVOR #2: goal-oriented flirting. Now, don't get me wrong. The ego's still involved here. The fundamental difference is this: you're no longer flirting just for kicks. You're no longer flirting so you can wink at yourself in the mirror and say, "Ya still got it, you sexy son-of-a-scrumpet!" No. You're flirting to forge a romantic bond (that's the "goal" part). Now, forging a romantic bond is totally cool if you're single.

Totally GROSS if you're not.

So! Back to Confused Girl's question:

Sweet, devoted, and loyal Confused Girl seems to think her BFB (Best Friend's Boyfriend) has crossed the line from ego-oriented to goal-orientated flirting. In other words, he's out to forge a romantic bond. So. What will she do to stop this derailed locomotive of lust? This roaring rocket of passion? This Segway named Desire?

Production still from the Historic Off-Off-Off Broadway Production of A SEGWAY NAMED DESIRE starring Zac Efron and the luminous Miss Maude. Miss Maude descended into mental illness shortly after this photo was taken.

Step #1! You can't just take BFB aside, "point out" he's flirting, and expect him to stop, okay? (He knows he's flirting. No need to inform him). If you truly want him to stop flirting you have to explicitly say: "Stop flirting with me." And you can't say it like a sweety-poo push-over, either. No. You have to say it like tough-as-nails, do-not-mess-with-me, wack-as-crack cowboy.

STOP ... FLIRTING ... WITH … ME

Step #2! Remove yourself from situations and environments in which flirting may occur. In other words, do not hang out with him one-on-one: no choosing him as your lab partner, no forming a study group of two, no swinging by the GAP BODY where he works as Head Associate Panty Man just to say hi, no getting into rickety row-boats with him so you can drift-together-as-one across picturesque lakes and feed the fuh-reakin' ducks, and, of course, no returning flirtatious texts, phone calls, emails, notes, or bat-signals of any kind.

And you know what? Even after all that he still might find ways to flirt with you. Which is why—when it comes down to it—what he does is not your problem. You're only responsible for your own behavior. And as you didn't write to ask, "What can I do to stop myself from flirting?" (BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT FLIRTING BACK, ARE YOU???), then cut yourself some slack. Sounds to me like you're a pretty solid friend.

Tellin' it like it is, bébés! One Monday at a time,

Xo

Miss Maude

Dear Miss Maude #6

Dear Miss Maude,

I go to a secondary school where there are cool people, pretty people, and random people—i.e. me and my friends. I am more than happy to be a loon and laugh like a loon at lunch with them. But it appears the cool and pretty people have problems with our randomness. They laugh, murmur, and imitate us when we're right next to them.

Is there any way we can freely convey our looniness to the world in a way that won't make us laughingstocks among those non-appreciative people? Or is there a way to actually make people appreciate it?

From,

A Puzzled Loon.

*******************************************************************

Dear Puzzled Loon, OMG:

Okay, so let me get this straight. You're perfectly happy being a loon. At the same time, you want the popular crowd to accept you. Well, um, here's the thing:

You can't have both.

It's kind of like that saying about art. "If your parents like it, you know it's lousy." Now, substitute "art" with "lunacy," "parents" with "popular people," and what do you get?

If popular people like you, you're a LOUSY LOON.

Or, more to the point: not a loon at all. Seriously. Loons are outsiders. Loons are weirdos. Loons deviate from the norm. If the high school overlords aren't laughing, well …

You're just not doing your job.

You want to hear the looniest thing of all? Once you leave high school, pretty much every cool person you meet will insist they weren't cool in high school. It's seriously like a badge of pride.

And, in certain circles, a hard-core competitive sport.

So, I couldn't play any sports cause of my asthma? Yeah. I kinda spent all of 10th grade holed up in my room raising prehensile lizards...

Oh yeah? Well, I had a lazy eye a wore an eye patch to school. Yeah. And one time this guy poured rum all over my backpack and set it on fire...

Oh, yeah? Well, I was born pigeon-toed. And by pigeon-toed, I mean my toes are literally pigeons. It's basically why I had to move to New York...

Whatever, you jokers! I was never even born, okay? I'm just a composite of wine corks, toothpicks, and reclaimed denim

Agh! Agh! Do you even SEE these weirdos?

We mortal loons don't stand a chance!

Xo Miss Maude

Miss Maude Monday: #5

Dear Miss Maude,

First things first I have to say that your skinny belt over the scarf thing is spectacular!!!

And now for the big stuff. It's a boy question, so get ready. Actually, a man question………….

There's this guy that I've known since before I was born, and I have liked him ever since I was able to like people! But sadly he moved out of state for several years, but now he is back!! But here's the thing, a) he is 18 – a legal adult and b) he is engaged. What do I do?

*************************************************************************

Dear What Do I Do, OMG:

First of all, how crazy-jealous am I you knew this guy before you were born?? I seriously did not know ONE GUY before I was born. I know!!! My parents were all, don't worry, it's normal, you're not ready to date, blah-blah. But, deep down I knew – oh, I knew – other little zygotes were getting their flirt on and having a FABULOUS TIME while I was just forced to FLOAT there, staring at my finger-nubs like a TOTAL LOSER.

Moving on.

First of all, anytime you like a guy and find yourself tossing the word 'but' around like wedding rice, you know you're in murky territory. In your case, we have THREE büts: the out-of-state büt, the he's eighteen büt, and the he's engaged büt.

KUH-LASSIC.

Okay. Since he's already moved back, let's focus on the last two, shall we?

Büt #1)   He's eighteen. Okay, I'm not sure how old you are, but I'm deducing from the number of periods in your ellipses (counting now) you're, ah! Thirteen. Okay. Any eighteen year-old dude who goes for a thirteen year-old girl is mucho, MUCHO disgusto. Believe me! Now, I'm not saying you can't crush on much older guys. When I was thirteen, I had a serious crush on Brad Pitt — basically the Zac Efron of his day. I even went so far as to name our future children (Plum, Olive, and Harry – get it??!?). Now, it's one thing to worship him from a distance, but imagine if he went so far as to return those feelings? We'd have this to contend with:

13 year-old Miss Maude + 29 year-old Brad Pitt = Love in the Age of Diarrhea

Okay??? NO ONE WANTS TO LOOK AT THAT.

Büt #2)  He's engaged. Girl! Do not even think about this guy, okay? I know, I know. "He's so perfect for you it hurts." WHATEVS. There are plenty, PUH-LENTY of other fish in the pond. And one day you will meet one, fall crazy-in-love, get married and have mutant half-fish-half-human babies together. And when they grow up, you know what'll happen? They'll long for love, too! And you know who will love them? No one. Because they're disgusting freaks of nature.

Just telling it like it is, bébés! One Monday at a time.

xo

Miss Maude

 

Book Thirst Thursday: Poseur Number Five?!?

My dearest Poseurini, Poseuropeans, and Poseurinary Tract Infections:

During this past year, many of you have written to ask:

Will there be another Poseur book?

I've received emails from all walks of life. From Annas, Kiaras, Sharons and Amelias. From Chanels, Lindas, Graces, and Chrissandras. From Mackenzies, Olivias, Haileys, and Saras.

The list goes ON and ON.

Of course, I realize none of these girls actually exist. I'm not dumb. The true author of these emails is SO OBVIOUSLY Zachary David Alexander Efron, who – for reasons perhaps mysterious even to himself – has chosen to disguise himself as a complex series of teenage girls. Well, FINE.

"Lara."

If that's how you want to play it, "Kelli."

Happy to answer your oh-so-pressing question…

"Deborah."

THERE WILL NOT BE A FIFTH POSEUR BOOK.

I know. I KNOW. I'm as shocked as you are. I can't even write the words without hacking tiny mouse skulls into my lap.

For the last eleven months, I have scanned the expansive desert skies for the straggly-feathered, chronically gassy, and compulsively punning stork responsible for delivering the next Poseur novel:

Stork #1: Farted during the taking of this photo

But he hasn't shown up, my lovelies. HE JUST HASN'T SHOWN.

So, I ask you – what else can I do? I mean, yeah. I guess I could buckle down and write another Poseur Novel…

But that's not really my process.

If it makes you feel better, I am in talks with another stork.

In-Yo-Face Uber-Stork: Job Creator

And, as you can see, this stork is NOTHING like the other stork. This stork is SLEEK and ROBUST. He's a straight shooter. He's read "The Secret." He eats bricks for breakfast and never complains about his digestion.

And he promises to deliver the best book ever. A book just as explosive, just as raw and unflinching, as Poseur ever was.

Let the countdown begin.

xoxo Rachel

 

 

 

Miss Maude Monday: #4

Dear Miss Maude:

There's this guy and he's TOTALLY HAWT (sorry — a clique book reference… lol) I'm talking Brad Pitt hawt ladies….(or, for Miss Maude, Zac Efron hawt)

Anyways, he's a real jerk sometimes and jumps from girl to girl but hes really nice if u talk to him…..HELP!!!!!

LOVE,

Totally Confused

Dear Confused, OMG:

This is the best problem of all time, and you want to know why? BECAUSE IT'S NOT A PROBLEM. When I see a hot guy, I'm all, hot damn. I'm all, hell yeah. I'm all, hallelujah.

I a...

Miss Maude Monday: #3

Dear Miss Maude,

Um, I actually really like this guy and he says that he likes me too, but the problem is he only wants to be 'friends with benefits'. My friends are worried about me, too–I can tell–but I honestly really don't know what I should do about this. I like him but if he doesn't want to be seen with me in public I dont know if I want this?

–Benefit in Distress

Dear Benefit, OMG:

Okay, so I have a serious problem with the term "friends with benefits."  Because it sounds so good, right? You

Manic Miss Maude Monday Madness!!!!

Okay… I have a whole bunch of questions to answer for Miss Maude Monday and wants to get to them all, so this week? I'm making EVERY day a Monday. Yeah, I know. Kinda sounds like the worst thing ever, right? Well, it's not. Waking up to discover your cat's excrement spattered on the bathroom wall: Possibly the worst thing ever. Cleaning up cat crap with Lysol and a roll of Charmin's: Possibly the worst thing ever. Dutifully crapping on the wall — all over again – to show your seriously unskilled

Poseur is OURSED!

You know how the kid in THE SHINING keeps saying 'red rum, red rum' and at first you're all w.t.f. until he writes it on the wall and it's reflected in the mirror and it reads mur der and you're like, omigod, AHHHHH!!!? Well, it's exactly the same with Poseur. All you have to do is flip the 'd' upside down, mix the letters around, and…

pOSEUR

CURSEd

I know! Are you totally freaked out?!

Okay, fine. You have to change the O into a C to make it work but, whatev. The world would be a much better place

Wild Card Wedsnesday

Okay, so in a little bit, I'm going to post a video — but first: some totally tedious explanation! The video in question stars my redheaded right-hand ma'am, Jamie Mae Lawrence (also some dudes I don't know but wish I did because they're fun-to-the-nay). Jamie and I met when we were twelve, at the Oakwood Upper School's seventh grade orientation pool party (f.y.i. I modeled Winston Prep, the too-too private school in POSEUR, on Oakwood). The party was hosted by this girl I didn't know, Laurie Ru