April E. Brucker's Blog, page 56

Comedian's of the Week: Ryan Hoffman and Nick Ruggia

Nick Ruggia and Ryan Hoffman are two of the funniest cats I know. Hardworking and talented, they are starting to make a name for themselves. Their short film, You're Not That Crazy, was recently accepted into the Friar's Club Film Festival and won The Audience Appreciation Award. I have had the pleasure of not only working with Nick Ruggia in the past through the now defunct Shovio, but also going to college with Ryan Hoffman and seeing these guys grow. They were kind enough to do an interview with me before they purchase a McMansion and forget my name.
Nick and Ryan at the Friar's Club Film Festival ready to make comedy magic

1. What inspired you to write and shoot You're Not That Crazy?Nick: Ryan and I both have the mental disorders that our characters in the movie have, and we actually do make fun of each other's illnesses and insinuate that the other one doesn't have it that badly. People we love saw us doing it in our writer's sessions and told us it was very funny. And some of our friends who are way more mentally ill than either of us are told us that they had seen people trying to prove that they were the sickest person in the room at psychiatric hospitals they had been in. But on another level, my deep desires for approval and acceptance probably inspired me to shoot You're Not That Crazy.
Ryan: Nick figured out fairly quickly that the only way to knock me out of a depression cycle was to roast me out of it. I think that's how it all started. When I began firing back at Nick for similar reasons, I used a style of mockery that a character from Commedia Dell'Arte (Pucinella) made famous, which is "the becoming". When a person roasts or insults others, he or she generally fires their barbs from a second person perspective, i.e. to use the old reliable, "You're so fat, when you sit on a rainbow skittles pop out." In the becoming, I take on your disorders and make fun of myself for it right in front of you. For example a line from the film when the character Annie makes fun of my character, Linnea Sage goes full boar and breaks down crying while delivering the line, "I'm so depressed. Ten years ago, my girlfriend wouldn't sign my yearbook and I'm still not over it." When we started writing it, my girlfriend was laughing in the background, and everyone generally agreed we were onto something. It seemed like a no doubter to make.2. When shooting You're Not That Crazy, what were some of your favorite moments in shooting?
Nick: Watching Greer Barnes work is an absolute joy. That man takes average dialogue and turns it into stellar dialogue with his performances. Every human being on the planet who makes movies should do whatever it takes to get him in their films.

Ryan: Watching Greer was definitely a treat. I was also really excited and impressed with the character development of Eugene Michael Santiago, who plays the schizophrenic in the film. He's only on screen for about twenty seconds, but there is easily five to ten minutes of him on the cutting room floor that was really special, but unfortunately didn't get a chance to make it into the film. He really puts a nice button on the whole thing. That struggle he has with Jonathan Wexler (the Orderly) at the end was really fun filming.
3. When shooting You're Not That Crazy, what were some of the challenges you came up against?
Nick: You're Not That Crazy is one of four sketches from a pilot we shot. Raising the money to make the pilot on Kickstarter was very stressful. Obviously, you raise all the money or you don't get any of the money. And we were very nervous that we would not get any money and would have to find another way to make this project happen.
Ryan: Editing. It took us three or four tries to get an editor who got what we were going for, and we were really fortunate to find Steve W. Thompson, who, in my and Nick's opinion was the best thing to ever happen to us. Also, I was pretty adamant in having Jason Sokoloff direct the pilot, and he's a working director. His schedule just mandated that we push filming back a few times, but it was totally worth it.

4. New York Comedy Vet Greer Barnes made an appearance, how did that happen?
Nick: He's friendly with Ryan, and apparently he had been watching our videos and wanted to work with us. Which is absolutely crazy. We both think he's as good as anyone working today. L to R: Ryan Hoffman (co-writer, co-producer, Eddie), Kaelin Birkenhead (Jessica), Jon Wexler (Orderly), Nick Ruggia (co-writer, co-producer, James), and Jason Sokoloff (director) pose Saturday April 6th at the Dolby Screening room for the World Premier of You're Not That Crazy for the Friar's Club Film Festival
Ryan: I have no idea how I became friends with Greer Barnes. I think my friend Upa introduced us, but we got along instantly. We were out at the bar one night and he suddenly turns to me and says, "When am I gonna be in one of your videos?" I said, "I had no idea you would even want to be in one of our videos. You're welcome any time." And that was that.5. How did your short get into The Friars Club Film Festival?
Nick: We applied to the festival, didn't think twice about it, and then found out we got in. Also Ryan has gotten into some pretty powerful black magic. And I paid a gypsy to curse the people that would have made the 500 best comedy shorts in America last year.
Ryan: I'm always a little nervous when Nick brings up my black magic, because dealing with the Devil is always a tricky business, and when people do it wrong they generally lose their soul and their house in the foreclosure crisis, and I don't like having that responsibility.
6. Aside from You're Not That Crazy you perform standup. Where can we see you?
Nick: I run a show with Phil Burke called Destroy All Humans on the third Friday of every month at The Creek and The Cave in Long Island City. Aside from that, friend us on Facebook. Like Temple Horses on Facebook and follow @TempleHorses on Twitter. We're frequently on awesome alt shows all over the city. 

Ryan: Book me. I'll be there.7. Where can we find out more about Temple Horses?
Nick: Twitter: @TempleHorses, @NickRuggia, @NewYorkCreator. Facebook: Like Temple Horses. YouTube: Subscribe to Youtube.com/TempleHorses. Or you can just go to our website, www.TempleHorses.com a lot.
8. What is next on the horizon for you?
Nick: We're shopping our sketch pilot right now. There has been some interest, and we hope that this award and some of the other things that have been happening for us help cook up more of that. And we're currently in the beginning stages of trying to make our first feature film.
Nick and Ryan accept the Audience Appreciation Award and yes, they gave a speech ;)

Ryan: Trying to stay off unemployment.
9. What is your astrological sign?
Nick: I'm a Cancer. Ryan's a dickhead.
Ryan: I'm an Aquarius. Nick's a leech.10. What do you eat for breakfast?
Ryan: Honey Nut Cheerios with yogurt. Nick: My medication.

Eight of Swords

Sometimes in life you feel stuck and you don't know why. That is what they say the Eight of Swords is. This card is appropos because lately I have felt stuck and uncertain. I felt after all this time I should be further along, know more, have more money, be more successful you know the whole kitten caboodle. Not to mention the direction of my career has changed quite a bit. Years ago it was looking like standup was the way I was going to go and I was actually pretty good at it. There were some events that happened that I won't go into and I got tired. But other things happened. I got on TV and then hosted online and then made music that got on internet radio and then wrote a book and then elected to use a shitload of bad grammar.

I always feel that this time of year. I felt it back in 2009 especially when I had been on Rachael Ray and we all know how that turned out. It was a TV appearance people give me street cred for but I was a mino swimming with the sharks on that one. Anyway I just remember relentlessly touring that summer and all the shitty hotel rooms I stayed in, one even had a blood covered blanket. That fall I just got tired of the grind and began to melt down. So I began producing my one woman shows. That lead to others and than videos.

I remember I was resting on my laurels quite a bit though. At the time, 2010, I was hosting a mic at a club that was working me to death. While I was being short ended I didnt care. It gave me a chance to do my own thing, get stage time, get other spots. Sure I could have done better. But everything changed when Chacho died. I always cite his death with just changing everything. When he passed I suddenly realized how incredibly stuck I was. I had been comfortable dwelling on the bottom, spending my time in basements with dreams going nowhere. Chacho's whole life he had dressed in clothing that cost as much as a Manhattan studio despite being homeless. He had gotten blackmarket plastic surgery to look beautiful. While his antics made me chuckle when he lived whether it was sex with the nearest stranger, his attempts to score a rich boyfriend, or letting me know the various places he had done the nasty. But when he passed Chacho made me realize something. He made me realize he did the things he did because he desperately wanted to be someone. Sure, Chacho was dead, but I was still here. Therefore I had a shot. Chacho would have wanted me to take that shot.

Right after Chacho died I remember talking with one of the managers at my former club. He told me sometimes I had to settle. I remembered Chacho who would never carry a Chinatown ripoff. Chacho would do whatever he had to do to get the Louis Vuitton even if he didnt eat for a few days. Then it occurred to me for as crazy as my buddy was, he never settled. Despite his faults, and trust me he had many, my buddy was very strong in one area that I had no strength at all in. Whether it was the rich boyfriend, the look, or the attitude he never went less than all the way. I realized that I was settling and I was going to die if I stayed where I was.

Chacho and I didnt part on good terms. Some of it was his fault, actually most of it, because he was a drug user. While Chacho made his choices there was a part of me that felt maybe if I was a better friend he would have finally gotten clean. That's not the way it works though. I loved him just not what he was doing. So I decided because I never got to tell him I loved him and not what he was doing to himself, I would dance as fast as I could twisting in the wind. Unlike my deceased friend it wouldn't be towards drugs or unhealthy men but rather towards a positive goal. I know if I were to see Chacho now we would be cool. But if I wanted to make an amends to my boy this was how to do it.

Shortly thereafter my puppet children and I got on TV and the the flood gates started to open to more and more TV time. I always say these things were Chacho's passing gifts to me. I don't know if they were for sure but hey, it's what I like to believe in my twisted head. In that year I did more than I had in the past several. I got on TV once, twice, three, four, like eight times and then two more times. I was on a highly trafficked web series. I made music. I also took some of the first steps to publish. The world was my oyster it seemed. Did I mention I dated a celebrity? Werq it girl as they would say in the balls.

Over time things got better. Last year I got a hit on the internet with "Stay." Then I published my book which Joe prodded me to write but that is a different blog altogether. It seemed like I was a wrecking ball with all this momentum. Britney Spears plugged my book on her site. Mensa said it was a must read. Brown decided to carry it in their bookstore. It is available on Amazon, Kindle, Nook, and BarnesandNoble.com. And in between I recorded an audiobook that will be available shortly and met Deborah Harry. I also believe my sound engineers are the best. And I shot a TV pilot.

But then I got into this rut where I got stuck. There has just been a lot going on lately as you know if you have been reading my blog.

I remember just feeling depressed for almost these past two weeks. Where to go next? What to do? Do I try to get an acting agent? Do I pursue the standup with the vigor I did as a younger person, battling out like a scorpion for spots? Do I try to sell my book to be a screenplay? Do I webcast? Do I record an album? I had no idea where I was going. Despite my TV time, my book, and my other accomplishments I felt lost as ever.

Sunday was especially hard. I went to the studio and had a hard time focusing cause I was just spinning so fast. Some of it was that I was antsy because I just wanted to get this done and the self-centered fear that my sound engineers are sick of me. Plus it was literally the hot dude parade in the studio Sunday. I found myself chuckling because Chacho would have been going crazy too. There is this hottie with a bunch of tattoos and piercings that always hangs out. Luckily he wasnt there otherwise I would have totally been bouncing off the wall. Archie and Anthony, who havent slept in days and are probably quite tired not just of my bizarre Mae West/Minnie Mouse/Cyndi Lauper sounding voice as well as tired in general and in no way would have been equipped to handle April in heat but I digress. Actually Chacho and I would have been fighting over the hot new intern.....

Sunday I found myself speaking of Chacho for the first time in quite a while. A friend of mine mentioned he carried two phones and told some story about how even though Chacho had stopped selling drugs when I knew him he still carried three phones. The story was cute and funny. And then I realized that again, we would be fighting over the same guy.

Then Monday night I found myself back at an old haunt of mine, Jimmy's No. 43. I got to see Jimmy Carbone again, who owns the bar and gave me a chance when I was just a nubling starting out. Jimmy was one of the few people who was kind to me when no one was. I caught up with Jimmy which was fun and made me feel good. Plus Jimmy bought a copy of my book and told me about the summer reading series he was hosting as well as his beer podcast. Love my Jimmy. Also took part in Pop Culture Fondue, a cool new show. It wasnt just fun but I loved the people, and it made me realize how much I really just love making people laugh and smile. While I get caught up in the shit called standup comedy politics and the stupidity involved in the business of show, I sometimes forget I live like a pauper in a house of squalor cause I love what I do.

Yesterday I chucked my pride and ego and did an open mic. While I deplore paying for stage time it was a friend's mic and plus it is always fun when I go, and you do get supportive and honest feedback. When I went I saw my buddy and had a great time onstage. Sure I didnt kill it like I had the night before but I just talked about my uber-dysfunctional family. I had fun and have some good new things there. Afterwards I spoke to my buddy who is folding his mic and passing it on to a promising new comedian who is not only very funny but very hardworking. During our convo, this friend who has always supported me told me he found himself doing more producing than performing, and decided that was not why he got into comedy. He had done it long enough, paid his dues, did his thing, and now it was time to get on TV. He deserves it. I found myself talking about what happened after Chacho died for the first time in forever.

On my walk to the subway I saw someone who looked familiar. His head was shaved and he was dapper. Behind his ears were three blue Russian stars. I would have known that tattoo anywhere, the blue stars outlined with a bizarre mix of fire engine red and Halloween orange. I found myself mouthing, "Chacho." But then I realized it couldnt be. Chacho is kinda cold and dead. And the guy turned around and I saw it was not my boy. However, it hit me. My friend was sending me a message from the after life. There was a reason he has been on my mind as much as he has been lately. My friend's spirit is around me and he is letting me know it. I have been stuck and depressed. Chacho is letting me know to keep dancing, keep daring, and not to settle. And for Godssakes to throw some shade. While we are there, I have a feeling he gave me a little attitude because I found myself wanting to strut down the street suddenly. Or maybe it was a hot day and guys were cat calling me.

Actually, that might not be true and I might be totally out of my mind. Wait, I am a ventriloquist, that has already been established. The intellectual in me says there is no evidence of an afterlife or soul. It is the thing humans lean on in times of need. It is the opium of the people. But the artist and dreamer inside of me would like to believe it though. Either way, it made me feel good and I don't feel so stuck anymore.

Love
April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
Paperback available on Amazon and 877-Buy-Book
E-Book available on Kindle and Nook
Audiobook available on itunes and Audible this Spring
www.youtube.com/aprilthestarr
Portion of proceeds go to RAINN

Adventures of Spooky Sase II

Yesterday my super and I met again. Yes the famous Sase. West Indian and ultimately a crazy cat, Sase has apparently been reading my blog. He's cool. But now he likes the handle Spooky Sase. And now in order to keep up with his work the first week Sase is stepping up his game. So yesterday, in order to keep himself front and center on my blog Sase and I had the following convo:

Sase: I am Spooky Sase.

Me:Yes. Do you like that?

Sase: Yes. Expect me to be spooky.

Me: Well if you want to keep making the blog you have to step up your game boy.

Sase: Okay.

Me: Lets start again. Lets walk down the block like you are minding your business and just be spooky.

Sase: Okay.

Sase and I back up a few feet and begin walking. Then Sase sees me

Sase: Who is that weird girl that weird freaking girl!

Me: Sase, that isn't spooky, that's psychotic. That is not what we are going for.

We both laugh

Me: Lets try this again. This time just be yourself. Do what you always do when you see me.

We back up a few feet and begin walking towards each other.

Sase: There you are my sweet. You are so beautiful. Right now I have a stomach ache. I need you to take care of me by giving me some of your spooky juice baby.

Me: Perfect! That's a wrap.

Love
April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
Paperback available on Amazon and 877-Buy-Book
E-Book available on Kindle and Nook
Audiobook available on itunes and Audible this Spring
www.youtube.com/aprilthestarr
Portion of proceeds go to RAINN

Dating Around the Zodiac

I think I have dated just about every sign. And here are their ups and downs. One of these days I will get it right.

Capricorn
Upside-Driven, funny, honest, and doesnt like to take life too seriously. Not to mention likes to have a good time and is a good and honest friend as well as companion. Will tell you the truth no matter how much it hurts and will pep talk you.
Downside- Controlling, egotistical, self-centered cheater. Girl in every port. Will be honest about everything else but won't be honest about that. And oh, very superficial. Must have worldly possessions and BAD WITH MONEY! Translated, big house with no furniture because they must have that address. Or jackass as it is more commonly known.

Aquarius
Upside- Funny, romantic, off beat, totally crazy. Not to mention creative and out of the box. Oh and when they are in love with you, you are the center of their world and they would take a bullet for you any day of the week. The relationship will heat up very quickly and you will feel like you are in a drug haze almost because of the depth of their love and passion.
Downside-When it ends they will go crazy if they believe they have been wronged. Get a different mailing address. Untreated mental health issues. Very controlling and somewhat abusive if the health issues go unchecked. And when it ends it is all your fault just so you know. And they will get all their damn friends afterwards and try to ruin your life. Handle with kit gloves and a full body suit. But just remember, they are also good where it counts so damn is it worth it ;)

Pisces
Upside- Sensitive, sweet, romantic, and creative, they will light up your day. Not to mention they are charming and great listeners. Very smart too.
Downside- Slimy liars. They always have an angle and a girlfriend or child they don't quite support that they are keeping concealed. Not to mention they are jealous and can be abusive. Prone to drug and alcohol issues. WATCH OUT

Aries
Upside- Where to start. They are incredibly funny, daring, and have a lot of pizazz. Ultraromantic in that swashbuckler kind of way, the attraction is instant and they will take a bullet for you. What's not to love? Oh and they have a lot of crazy friends, too.
Downside- While they may take a bullet for you, it is because it came flying at them through the drama they call their lives. Not to mention that while they might be your angels, angels don't fall in love. They have women everywhere. While they may spend a ton of money on you, they always come with bad credit.

Taurus
Upside- Loyal, smart, and hardworking, a Taurus dude is a marrying type of dude. Not to mention he will always be able to make a joke in any situation and put anything into perspective. He never gets hung up too long on the details, and makes you believe you can do anything.
Downside- Stubborn as hell. Oh and temper, temper, temper. Did I mention he will have NO HEART AND FEELINGS whatsoever. And how do you spell c-h-e-a-p?

Gemini
Upside- Great storytellers and funny. Oh and what's more they are also very bright. A Gemini will stimulate you to no end with their knowledge and love of culture. Not to mention they are a great date to a party because everyone will love them.
Downside- They are Mr. Perfect before you meet the dark side. Whether they are pathological liars, drug abusers, wife abusers, have a temper like the devil, or just cheat for the hell of it the dark side is there. Buyer beware.

Cancer
Upside- Caring and emotionally intuitive, they are somewhat psychic actually in a lot of ways. Also kindhearted, loyal, and compassionate. A cancer guy will listen and make you feel like you are taken care of. A date with them is not just a night out, but a night out that you both will feel safe. They are usually not very outgoing, but if you get them telling stories they are funny, yo. Sounds like heaven, right?
Downside-More like hell when you get down to it. Cancers are Mr. Possessive. Expect to be attached at the hip at all times. Oh and then it is always a guessing game because he will never truly tell you how he feels. Expect to be both girlfriend and mother to this overgrown manchild. And they also have a secret like children they dont support and why tell you about that?

Leo
Upside- Good hearted and fun loving, a Leo guy seems like a must have for a relationship. They are the type of guy who goes out with his friends, parties, and always brings you along. They are always cracking jokes and making sure no one is forgotten. Oh and they love to take group vacations. Life is always a party with a Leo guy. Sounds like a great time, right?
Downside- Wrong! Leo guys might not act like it, but they get mad when you talk to other guys even if you are just friends. Not to mention that while they work, they have a tendency to be very lazy. If you end up with a Leo dont expect to have the big house on the hill unless you work a six figure job.

Virgo
Upside- Hardworking to the point exhaustion, funny to where they leave you rolling on the floor, and sweet to where you begin to drip of hot house flowers, they can capture your heart like slaying a dragon. Fabulously smart and ambitious, that is a turn on for any woman in the world. And they are very thorough. Virgos cook, clean, and make you feel like a princess. It is easy to want happily ever after with this Prince Charming.
Downside- There are several ways to spell manipulator. Virgo men tend to use women whether it is to further their career, get a place to live, or even just to feed a sex addiction. Oh and while we are in the neighborhood they have no feelings and are very old world. Translated: woman, be by the phone when I call. And while you are there I will tell you what train to ride and what car to ride and where to get off the car. I'm in charge. However they will blind you by showering you with gifts, so when they run their con and leave it burns a hole in your heart.

Libra
Upside- Funny, charismatic, and not afraid to act a fool a Libra man will sweep you off your feet. Not to mention he is very romantic. There will be flowers, there will be jokes, and he will be Prince Charming. Yes, after the first date with this dashing knight in shining armor of amor you will be planning the wedding. A Libra man will wine you, dine you and everything in between and will make you feel awake and alive.
Downside- Everything! He likes you this week and the next week this Casanova Brown is on to someone new. And while he is making his rounds he doesnt quite want to let go of you and will send you flirty texts even though he is dating or married to someone else. Years later, even when passions die you will still be important to him much to the chagrin of his wife. And while we are on the topic, if you end up his wife he might only work so hard. So be prepared to make all the money, ladies.

Scorpio
Upside- Handsome, hardworking, smart, energetic, and well read these are the brooding, quiet mysterious strangers at the party. You are immediately drawn to this broken creature who obviously has a chip on his shoulder. A Scorpio man will treat you to the fanciest eateries, have the best intellectual conversations, and not to mention would never dream of making you pay. Did I mention that you will be pampered and he will be extremely loyal. A Scorpio man will kill for you if need be and kill anyone who has ever harmed you: past, present, or future.
Downside- Oh I can't even begin to start. A Scorpio man has a chip on his shoulder and holds a grudge for years at a time. He doesnt like anyone and is uber judgmental of your friends and family. While he will give you financial support, dont expect moral or emotional support EVER. And while we are on the subject he will remind everyone of his status because of the chip on his shoulder and will go out of his way to get revenge, even if he busts his face. And he will go out of his way to tell you about everyone who ever wronged him and you will hear about his terrible childhood any chance he gets to open his mouth. Familial gatherings will be akin to Oliver Twist. And while he is loyal, it's not always because he loves you. He's a spiteful bastard.

Sagittarius
Upside-Lordy, lordy, these cuties will sweep you off your feet the first chance they get. And hanging out with them is soooo much fun. Despite the fact that dates are more impromptu than planned, they treat you like a lady and will never press you into doing anything you dont want to do. Oh and they dont take anything personally. If you scream and yell a Sag guy will walk away and then call you back a few hours later to see how you are feeling. It will catch you off guard but you will like it. Sag guys are extremely perceptive and will be able to see through your crap, so dont front. For the most part they are kind, and will fight if they need to though. Dont push them.
Downside- They have a girl in every port. They like you and her and her and also her. Their bedroom door swings so frequently they probably have to sprint through it so it doesnt hit them in the ass. And while they are sweet they also arent the most attentive and are terrible about spending too much money on you. They also arent very ambitious and have to be prodded by the right woman to go in the right direction. They never do anything on their own. Also, they might hit on a hot girl in front of you. Not because they aren't into you, they have just simply forgotten you were their date. In the end, they also come about who they are honestly. If you are most likely to have a pure friendship with someone from your past it is a Sag guy. If you need a friend they will be there, and when it ends they won't make it awkward. They are the least likely to be stalkers and whatever secrets you tell them will forever be safe.

Love
April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
Paperback available on Amazon and 877-Buy-Book
E-Book available on Kindle and Nook
Audiobook available on itunes and Audible this Spring
www.youtube.com/aprilthestarr
Portion of proceeds go to RAINN

The Luxury of a Crush

This is when the whether gets warm and I get crazy. Okay, not quite. My Bo and I have been planning our misadventures and exploits. Of course my friend JR will be out and about so maybe we can get ourselves in trouble with a basketball team or two or three. In there I so hope to perhaps screw up my life and make some mistakes like I always do.

I was expressing my feelings today and wowsa.

Saw the idiot I was crushing upon and he has yet another new girlfriend. Now he has totally weirded out towards me and I dont understand what I did. I thought he liked me and he sent all the signals that he did. And then he started seeing this nasty thing. And then he dumped the nasty thing and now is onto someone new. I was hanging out with them all like three days ago and he got totally McWeird Weird on me.

I mean like way weird.

Anyway, we got to talking and he was like totally trying to get me off of him like I am some virus and he was a gay man in the AIDS crisis. It's like Pal, please do not flatter yourself. You are cute but not that cute. You are good at what you do but not that good at what you do. Not to mention you are so smart you didnt even know what Mensa is.

And then speaking of gay men, most of my friends are homos as you all know. And now that the recording for my audiobook is done my Sundays are free again to roll with my homos. So this dude proceeds to say some homophobic smack and just starts trashing my gays. I am like excuse me, denial much? And then he has the nerve to tell me I need a boyfriend. After he tells me I need a boyfriend and smack talks my gays he disappears to take a call from said girl who turns out one of my gays knows and is a total trash pit. Either way, his rejection is God's protection. I have outgrown this crush like old knickers. Looking back I was too good for him anyway!

The luxury of a crush though is that in your mind, your person is what you want them to be. He is like Mr. Potato Head. In my mind this guy was sweet because he appeared to be sweet. In my mind he liked me because I liked him. And not to mention he was sending signals that didnt dispute this. Maybe it was a long winter and I was lonely. I have been wrong before.

Once upon a time I was wrong and in high school my crush who seemed like he wanted me wanted someone else. We are still friends and he has actually seen me perform a few times. Nice guy, but it will never be anything more. The next time was first year of college and he was an upperclassmen who was throwing the love signal in my direction. I humiliated myself as a result and then forgot about him. But years later, after lots of stuff happening we crossed paths and talked. I thought we were fine and next thing I know the jerkoff is telling a terrible story about me online.

But the thing was, in my mind both were perfect. So the luxury of a crush is he can be Prince Charming. He is the greatest guy ever. But once he becomes himself-a real human guy-it is all over. Bottom line, dreaming is free as Blondie says. And of course he made me tea and was kind. It was all an act. And scene....

Here is the next act. There is a guy who just started at the studio I am recording at that is mad cute.  I think he picked up on the fact I was macking on him. Oh gosh.....better stop while we are ahead Miss April. Okay, he is the next crush. Ooops, already over that. Spring is making me CRAZY!

Maybe my ex crush is right. Lets me get a boyfriend or two or three...

Love
April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
Paperback available on Amazon and 877-Buy-Book
E-Book available on Kindle and Nook
Audiobook available on itunes and Audible this Spring
www.youtube.com/aprilthestarr
Portion of proceeds go to RAINN

Feeling Strangely Fine

Yesterday I found myself feeling grateful until I was struck by a magraine. I dont know where it came from. I got nauseous and just felt like death. Chills all over. Maybe it is the stress I have been feeling. Either way, I found myself in bed with my Excedrin watching Lifetime Movies. I also slept for like ten hours.

I think I needed the sleep.

Today I feel okay about everything that has been happening. I dont even know why. My audiobook is almost finised. My book is almost in a huge store, well it is online but not in paperback form. I need to get crackalackin on my musical. Oh and I need to get onstage again.

There is a huge part of me that feels some career angst. I always do at this time of year. Back in 2007 it was when I dumped my manager and pop goes the weasel I got on TV beating out those who actually got the call back on a national TV show.

In 2008 I got the callback for a reality show. While it never happened my dad got to talk to the president of CBS and things fell into place for a TV appearance or two

In 2009 I was in a real rut because I was broke, nothing was happening, and then I found myself touring quite a bit with the standup and getting good at it. Not to mention some people remembered seeing May Wilson on TV. And then I got to work with Foxworthy and produced my own one woman shows.

In 2010, I was in a rut with the standup and ended up shelving that. Instead I made a bunch of videos and drafted the first draft of my book. Basically, I took charge of my life. That fall, my puppet children and I got on TV. It was the first time limos took us everywhere ;)

In 2011, I of course, despite all the TV time my puppet children and I got them, was fired from my home club. So we made more videos, recorded music, and our music got AM and internet airplay. I also got a job as a talking head on an online network and hosted a weekly show. I also went through not one but two publishing houses with my book. And my puppet babies and I got recognized everywhere we went ;)

In 2012 I found myself completely estranged from the standup community. In between the TV stuff and other things, these closed minded people allegic to achievement didnt have room for me it seemed. So I put my efforts into my songs, getting a number one hit on the internet for five weeks. I was on a TV show that got a million hits on the internet. While it didnt get picked up it came close. And yes Virginia, I finally published my damn book. It was featured on the official website of Britney Spears and has popped up everywhere.

So what's next? I am at my yearly crossroads again. I am trying to decide where to concentrate my energies. Part of me wants to act again seriously. I went to school for it. I can do it. But I am not an empty headed idiot like most actors are. Maybe that is why I don't like them.

I thought about seriously going for the standup again. I am good at it. But being a woman works against me. Having a prop works against me. Then because of course I have TV credits it is asinine for me to really pay for stage time. Not to mention that when it comes to the clubs it is not about being funny and TV credits can work against you because everyone has them at a certain level and which TV creds where and blab blah waste my freaking time on a dying art form.

Then there is the writing. I am really good at that too. I wrote a damn book. I keep a blog. But writers are such hermits. While I desire being a hermit I also like being onstage and dont want to give that up. I also feel like if I sell my screenplay I wont be able to be in it. You get the picture. Plus while it is the gift that makes everything possible it is not my only gift.

Oh and then there is the music. I never expected to do as much with it as I did. My friend Marcus had me record a song and then off I went. I never expected to have a hit on the internet. That was an accident. Sure I sing. I do it everyday for my job. But there are people with true talent out there. I know I dont measure up to them. As in people like my cousin Bobby who was a trumpet prodigy as a kid and my cousin Christopher who plays first chair trombone in the Notre Dame marching band. Oh and my composer Matt Weber. (Got to get on my next song and practice ;P).  I maybe could focus on that but music overwhelms me.

I have no idea what is next. I just know my audiobook is almost finished, thank the freak Jesus. Archie and Anthony the other day-for fun-slowed my voice down and I sounded like a demon. I informed them I would appear to them in my form and speak like that. And then I would say, "Welcome to hell."

Archie contimplated getting a fat kid to "say that stuff" in my voice. That would be funny. Made me laugh.

Either way I have a lot ahead of me. While I dont know which path to take it will soon make itself apparent. My career in some ways is much different than I thought it would be. This is good, because if I had gotten what I thought I wanted I would have really short changed myself. So I just must ask God, Jesus, Frank the Pink Rabbit, Bob the Purple Gerbil, Phyllis the Spotted Peacock, and the Universe at Large to guide me.
Love

April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
Paperback available on Amazon and 877-Buy-Book
E-Book available on Kindle and Nook
Audiobook available on itunes and Audible this Spring
www.youtube.com/aprilthestarr
Portion of proceeds go to RAINN

Grateful

I have been in a rut the last few weeks. Granted, it has been sort of my own shit coupled with familial drama and cosigning my own shit. Not to mention Wednesday at work was real rough. Just some phone drama. Long story. Dont feel like talking about it. My boss is a great man though. Still just the usual BS.

Yesterday I reached a whole new low when I just wanted to walk into the freaking river and disappear. Not drown. That would involve death and a funeral is a pain in the ass to plan. I would just disappear into the sunset with a sign nailed to my door that read, "Dear Asshole, April has gone away never to return. If you want to find her, go fuck yourself."

As I just felt this hellacious depression akin to death set over me I found myself in a convo with my friend. This particular friend is a good soul who knew me when things were starting to get rough in my life. We fell out of touch cause that just happens sometimes and a lot happened in between. But the planets and stars aligned and our paths crossed once again. I mentioned something and then he ended up innocently pressing me for details and I ended up revealing a part of my life that he doesn't know about. Mind you he is a true friend and didnt judge me. But it just felt awkward.

That is where the shame set in. I still remember being POW skinny and a mess. With me tethered was a psychotic ex fiance who happened to be stalking me at the time. When we were together I was his punching bag. I remember the sunglasses and the coffee and how I just let that SOB run my life. I remember how he told me him or the puppets. I remember how I had to get a different mailing address. Oh and then my mom had his name on the refrigerator in case I disappeared. Then there was the promise he made that he would kill his mother to get her insurance policy. That way we could set up house. Yes, want to know more details? Want to know how he used to harass guys I was dating after we broke up and how my life became a nightmare? Didnt think so. And that is just the tip of the iceberg.

I have written and performed about that part of my life quite a bit. It still doesnt make it go away though. The walk down memory lane was weird. My buddy meant no harm. Again he didnt judge me. I was pointing the finger and calling myself names like I always do when this happens.

Then I realized I was out of that part of my life. It is the past. There is only two ways I could let it haunt me. Is if I have a nightmare, which happens from time to time when the ex is chasing me, or if I let history repeat itself. Some people do and others do not.

I remember turning twenty five and thinking my life was over. To me it was old. Actually I was surprised I lasted as long as I did. I had a meltdown on that birthday and then took charge of my own life. I started performing my own one woman shows and made some funky puppet videos with gay celebrities. I still remember Michael Musto greeting me in his pajamas. That summer I drafted my first novel. The following year saw me on TV with my puppet children, making more videos, broadcasting on the web world wide, and surprisingly recording music. Twenty seven saw a number one song online and the publication of my book. Not bad for an old woman.

So far twenty eight has been fruitful. My book is getting into stores. I am possibly doing a book talk at an Ivy League University. On top of that Mensa said my book was a must read. The audioversion of my book is nearly finished. While my voice will forever haunt Archie and Anthony, it is a project that has been worth doing.

My problems today are that a certain store has the online version instead of the online and the print version of my book. My problems are will my musical, one woman show, and screenplay be picked up? Will my crush who is employed like me back? Will my composer be able to tolerate the fact I am so dyslexic when it comes to reading music?

And then the crisis of faith at the career level? Where to go next? To act again seriously? To pursue the music thing? To write another book? To try to pursue the standup again? To webcast again?

Bottom line, these are luxury problems. I have come a long way from who I used to be and where I used to be. When in doubt I always have to remember these days I am present enough to be employed and that I am not a stinking shit mess of drama. My life is really good. It is my decision to influence how happy or miserable people and external forces make me. If I keep going in the right direction not only will I be where I want to go, but I have a fighting chance of going further.

Yes, I am grateful.


Love

April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
Paperback available on Amazon and 877-Buy-Book
E-Book available on Kindle and Nook
Audiobook available on itunes and Audible this Spring
www.youtube.com/aprilthestarr
Portion of proceeds go to RAINN

Expect Me to Be Spooky

Expect Me To Be Spooky
My super Sase and I have an interesting relationship. Lets just say it is interesting. He is very much a great friend but he is a crazy cat and regular blog reader. When push comes to shove he is there for me, but Sase is Sase.
Anyway, this was how our latest exchange went:Sase: I want to see you.
April: I can’t. I will be busy making the dough so I can be my rich and famous friend.
Sase: I will knock in twenty minutes.
April: And I won’t answer because I will be busy.
Sase: I will wait as long as I have to. I will sit outside of your door.
April: Sase, that will be extremely spooky.
Sase: Expect me to be spooky.
We both laughEnd scene.  
Love

April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
Paperback available on Amazon and 877-Buy-Book
E-Book available on Kindle and Nook
Audiobook available on itunes and Audible this Spring
www.youtube.com/aprilthestarr
Portion of proceeds go to RAINN

The Lab Test Subject

Growing up I had a cousin Polo who was a little maladjusted to say the least. Polo had been named after the shirts because his mother saw them when she was pregnant and said my Uncle Julius looked great in them. Of course my Aunt Jeanette was bossy and said she wanted to name her child Polo. It was either going to be that or Ralph Lauren, whichever got his ass kicked in school less. Either way, it was about dressing up the fact they were white trash intent on sending their kids to prep schools. They thought it made the child sound rich and elite. Meanwhile it set them all up for a dynasty of stupidity.  Aunt Jeanette had been the last of my great grandmother’s six children. While most of the older kids were good family people, Jeanette was the exception. My great grandmother had her accidentally and later in life, therefore she was tired of parenting. There was a ten year gap between Aunt Jeanette and my grandmother’s child before her. As a result my Aunt Jeanette sort of grew up with my mother because only a few years later my Nunni had her. Forced to be her playmate from time to time during visits to my great grandmother, my mom often grimaced and referred to her as “Spoiled, stupid, and loud.”Aunt Jeanette had been the whore of their small town and wore short skirts and white lipstick. While this would have never flown with my great grandmother’s other children, she was getting older and most of her children were married. Plus my great grandmother had developed Type II Diabetes and had lost her eye sight. If my Aunt Jeanette wanted to dress like a hooker that was her prerogative. Plus my great grandmother couldn’t see it so she wasn’t going to bother fighting. Not to mention my great grandfather was also very sick. They had their hands full basically. Anyway my aunt had been seeing a nice guy who really loved her but was cheating with my Uncle Julius, who was basically a moron who was always getting involved in some get rich quick scheme. While during the time I knew him, he looked like a cross eyed mongoloid, apparently Julius Newcastle was quite dashing and handsome back in the day. Maybe my Aunt Jeanette got my great grandmother’s blindness by-proxy. I don’t know. Well this was revealed when my aunt got into a horrible car accident, why she was driving in that snow storm. It was not to go back to nursing school but to see my Uncle Julius….Well the nice guy dumped her, she ended up marrying my Uncle Julius. They had Polo right away which is why we speculate the wedding was done under Catholic duress. Thank God my great grandmother had been blind otherwise she would have probably lost her ever blessed mind over my aunt’s low cut wedding gown. While the woman was a gentle soul from what I hear and hardly ever swore, this would have been the lone occasion for the once in a lifetime blue streak. My Aunt Jeanette and my Uncle Julius headed out to their honeymoon while my aunt adorned her Go Go boots for the post wedding pics, probably knocked up. Polo was born and right away the kid had behavior problems. My Aunt and Uncle had two more kids, one entitled and fat and the other who never spoke that moved out of the house as soon as he could and never speaks to any of them. In school, Polo was always getting in trouble. Rather than discipline her kid my aunt simply did nothing. When she was called upon by teachers because Polo would swear or say obnoxious things she would blame it on the television. Then my Uncle Julius, useless as ever would say,“Boys will be boys.” The kids all attended an elite prep school in Erie, PA. At the school, the Newcastles felt they were established members of the upper crust. Polo was a mediocre student but excelled at hockey and track. Max Factor (named after my aunt’s makeup, Max for short) was a mediocre student who excelled at football and hockey, but was often penalized for fighting and other obnoxious behavior. Perry Ellis (Perry for short, named after my Uncle Julius’s cologne), the youngest, was something of a genius. Placed on the gifted track right away, he had no aptitude in sports but was very bright. We often joked that if he called The Boys Town Hotline wanting to run away, ordinarily they would tell kids that it wasn’t an option. However when he said his name was Perry Ellis Newcastle they would tell him to bilk it. Life would be better on the streets, even if he became a hustler. The Newcastle’s didn’t believe in punishments at all, only talking out the problems. They wanted to teach their kids to be safe around alcohol, so at dinner the whole family drank beer, despite Perry only being twelve. Rather than sit down and teach their children about sex, Uncle Julius and Aunt Jeanette got each a book of dirty jokes and read them aloud at dinner. This can be put in a leaflet of what not to do when you raise your kid. So what happened next to Polo Newcastle was no surprise to anyone but them. Around the time Polo was sixteen the real problems began. Being at a crucial point and with no discipline whatsoever, Polo began rebelling and skipping class to drink in the graveyard with his friends. When asked about his slipping grades Polo became defiant. Once he called his mother a “bitch.” Instead of disciplining him my Uncle Julius said, “Well he is correct Jeanette. Sometimes you can be a bitch.” And he gave Polo forty dollars to go party. However the threat of summer school loomed as well as possible expulsion from the posh prep school after a troubling meeting with the headmaster. My Aunt and Uncle decided that they were going to stand up to Polo and do something they never did, parent. During a summer excursion Polo wanted to go to a gathering where beer would be present. Trying to make the growing conflict easy, my Uncle Julius pointed out there would be plenty of booze at home. Polo said he was sick of drinking with his family. Aunt Jeanette then put her foot down and said no. Polo, being rather undisciplined from lack of any real guidance began to throw a tantrum. The fighting became louder as swear words flew, and Polo decided he was going to the gathering whether they liked it or not. So all emotion and hormones and no brains, he opened the car door and jumped out. However, he forgot the car was moving and my Uncle Julius is a driver who goes over the speed limit because in his words, “Gas is expensive and you have to get the most bang for your buck every mile.”So Polo flew out of the car, slammed his head on the concrete, and cracked his skull. My Aunt Jeanette screamed in horror. Polo had made a statement alright and he made it clear he was never drinking with his family again. Uncle Julius stopped the car, loaded him in, and drove him to the hospital. Bleeding all over the back seat his words were barely audible. All these years of bad parenting were staring them in the face. For a moment they showed compassion. Max, typically loud and always eating, sat in silent concern for his brother. Perry, silent and lovely, took Polo’s hand. Maybe they would all learn something. No such luck. The doctor announced there would be brain damage. Not taking his own parental inventory, my Uncle Julius furiously stormed, “That selfish bastard, I always knew I would be wiping his ass.” The doctor was shocked. Most family members express this thing called concern. The doctor then, befuddled by this reaction, explained it wasn’t like that. It was more the senses would be compromised and that my cousin might have some anger issues. To which my Aunt replied, “Good. We don’t need a retard in the house.” The doctor was looking for love and concern but saw none. When Polo got out of the hospital his intelligence was not affected, not that he really had much. His ability to taste and smell was compromised however as the doctor promised it would be. But the most astounding was the anger problem he had developed. Later in my travels and through experience of my own, I know for a fact anger and frustration are the side effect of cranial injuries. Mine had come as a result of an accident when I was fifteen and was short lived. However my cousin’s trauma and damage was much more severe. So severe that he had to be hospitalized briefly in a state mental hospital after slapping his mother. At the time Polo had a girlfriend named Sandy. My Aunt Jeanette detested Sandy, but Polo loved her. Sandy was very pretty in that trashy kind of way, much like my Aunt Jeanette was as a young woman. During one of their many Jerry Springer-esque fights, Sandy informed my aunt she was a bad mother. My aunt proceeded by calling her names. Perhaps Sandy had a point. Anyway, during some teen drama Sandy decided she was through with Polo. In between his anger problems, the fact he needed a whole salt shaker to give his food any taste, and the fact he stopped bathing because in his words, “If I can’t smell myself stinking, why should it matter to the rest of the world?” it became a little much for her. Note, Polo lost his sense of smell in the accident but the rest of the world didn’t.  Oh and when Polo heard ringing in his head he swore the aliens were sending him signals. Not to mention after trying to punch a teacher Polo had been expelled from school. Sandy’s parents put their foot down. Polo was going nowhere and fast.However Polo was not having this. He got his family’s rifle from their shed, because that is what they have in Pennsylvania, and knocked on his girlfriend’s door to talk. Polo asked Sandy to get back together. When she didn’t he held a gun to her head, promising to kill her and them himself. Of course her parents walked in and Polo promised to kill her family as well. The neighbor, seeing my cousin in plain view with the gun from the window, called the cops. After a standoff with the police that lasted two hours my cousin surrendered. He of course went to jail. Because he was a juvenile in Pennsylvania, his parents had to pay an incarceration tax for his jail/reform school stay. My Uncle Julius and Aunt Jeanette, wanting to wash their hands of their troubled spawn and save money, emancipated him. During family functions, my Aunt Jeanette and Julius would show up to parties with Max and Perry. As usual they would tell crude jokes, and take all the pies. Max would announce periodically that he farted and would say something racist, despite offending my cousin Martin’s girlfriend at the time Monique who happened to be black. (That is a different story altogether that I will tell later). Perry would say nothing, only looking out the window perhaps hoping to jump. His grades were good in school so he had the most potential for a future. My Aunt Jeannette would brag about him, “He became an Eagle Scout and built an outhouse for his project.” And then my Uncle Julius would brag about his current get rich scheme and say, “And I make an obscene amount of money. Speaking of obscene, Max over here plays hockey and they call him Mr. Triple Team. Because every time he gets the ice he takes three people down!”And then Max bragged, “Yeah, I am Mr. Triple Team. Hockey is my sport. It is the only sport where the apes havent come out of the jungle to take over.”Awkward pause. “You okay?” I asked my cousin Martin’s girlfriend at the time Monique who was sitting on the far end of the table with me. Earlier Max had been on his usual run of racist jokes where the n word was used. Like anyone with a brain, Monique couldn’t take this idiot who had probably learned to walk upright the week before. While she wasn’t showing it, she was seconds away from stabbing him with her steak knife. Monique, who had caramel colored skin and attended Carnegie Mellon as a studio art and engineering double major, who’s mother was working for President Clinton at the time said, “Yes. He’s a moron and probably rides the short bus. I know his IQ is limited so I can’t take it personally.” “He ate the short bus.” I replied and we both laughed. Just then my brother Wendell leaned in and said, “Mr. Triple Team. Like he farts and three people fall on the ice?”Of course my sister Skipper said, “I hope he leaves enough ham for the rest of us. He’s eating enough for a third world country.”As we ate the subject turned to my cousin Polo. The rest of us sort of bit our tongues. If you have never had one, an incarcerated family member is like an elephant in the middle of the room. You know they exist but you just go around it. Actually at a certain point you acknowledge the elephant and maybe give it some peanuts. The incarcerated family member, just never existed. “I spoke to Polo and he is doing great. He is getting therapy and working on his anger.” My grandmother said. My Nunni, who despite her wild exploits from acting in local TV commercials to telling inappropriate stories had a soft side. While it was unspoken, it was common knowledge that while the rest of us had decided to erase this family member from the proverbial tree, Nunni had been sending him care packages. My cheap ass Aunt Jeanette and Uncle Julius wanted to save face and save funds, but my Nunni would give any stranger the last dime she had or the shirt off her back. Very Catholic, she was into the spiritual side of her faith and believed in remembering those who were deemed untouchable. While her eccentricities masked his side of her it was why she never had any money. My mom would always say to Nunni, “Mom, you have to stop giving morons money. They spend it and you have none.”The table went dead silent. Monique looked at Martin. “Polo?” She asked. Martin was as still as a statue. Nunni had delivered a blow like Rubin Carter. It was intentional, it was deliberate. It was awesome. “You should have been a better mother. None of my kids are in jail.” My Nunni said to my aunt, letting her know where she had failed exactly. “And if they were I would be there.” Minutes before my grandmother had been telling some wild story about some friend she had and some trip she was planning to take. While we dismissed her as whimsical and crazy, she was perhaps putting on a charade. “Knock it off Pat. It’s Thanksgiving. Save the fighting for the phone like the rest of the family always does.” My grandfather, or Pop Pop, was a sweet little old man. He always had a twinkle in his eye and barely spoke. When he did he was funny, insightful, or on the mark. My Pop Pop had also been speaking to Polo here and there and had become sort of a surrogate father. However he was not in the mood to tolerate any of this right now and just wanted peace. At the time he was getting treatment for prostrate cancer and was not a fan of conflict. “It’s not my fault. I tried. It’s the criminal gene.” My Aunt Jeanette explained. “We sent them to prep school. One kid is hockey captain team. The other kid is going to be an Eagle Scout.” Then my aunt chirped about her findings and the rest of us went back to eating. On the way home in the car my dad said, “Criminal gene my ass. More like a fucking asshole for a mother. I put people like this moron in jail every day working for the District Attorney. Behind every criminal in a bad parent.”“Bill, I was thinking the same thing. You know my aunt. You know she’s a crude human being. That kid never had a chance.” My mom begged. My dad was in one of his moods. Pissed off was an understatement. The Newcastles and their anti-logic could drain the life blood out of anyone. We drove in silence. “That whole family! I swear to God. Anne, next time they come around don’t bring me. Tell them that I died and wont be coming back.” My dad commanded as we drove down the dark road. Just then a guy cut my dad off. Already pissed from the encounter with the extended familial relations from hell my dad screamed, “You can’t cut me off you Yum Yum Asshole!” And proceeded to flick the man off. That’s when my dad said, “Kids, as you can see foolishness and stupidity run in your mom’s family and not mine. Avoid falling into the trap.”To which my mom replied, “Well your family has it’s own set of assholes.” And they proceeded to fight all the way home. When we got home and my dad turned on the television, and my mom got him some saki, he calmed. Aunt Jeanette, Uncle Julius, Max Factor and Perry Ellis could do this to anyone to depend on alcohol as a way to avoid being homicidal. We received updates on Polo for the next eighteen months. He was released from jail and reunited with his girlfriend Sandy. No one understood how or why they got back together. Sandy had cheated, and Polo tried to kill her and her entire family. That is usually a permanent deal breaker. At least with most people but not them which is a testament to their codependency but I digress. Anyway, during this time they horrified everyone further when they announced Sandy was pregnant. Polo had no job, and Sandy was in college. Employment options were limited because of Polo’s criminal record, and Sandy’s mother told her that it was Polo’s job to support the child. Note, we never said Sandy was normal and her behavior does not indicate that of a normal person. But Polo surprised everyone. According to my Aunt Jeanette and Uncle Julius, Polo was gainfully employed and making an “obscene amount of money.” Perhaps my grandparents were right to believe in him. The child was born, a girl, who’s name was Destiny. While they were hopeful, it is a name that curses your kid to get a starring role on Sixteen and Pregnant and then when that fame fades it’s the pole that becomes her final home. Everything was fine except for one thing. When Destiny was born she was missing her right foot. While I have never met the unfortunate child of sorts, my grandmother only gave me the story in bits and pieces. I take it the foot never formed. But these people are white trash. Maybe they ran out of food and like a pack of hungry dogs ate the only food source they could find and figured, “She never has to walk.” But a child with a missing limb requires further medical care and Polo stepped up his game and got a better job. Despite being a good provider and such, he couldn’t always make it work with Sandy. During one of his breakups he moved back in with his parents. Sandy and Polo shared Destiny, and started seeing other people. At this point Sandy met a man at AA, a recipe for disaster and not much of a step up from Polo. And Polo was dating some cashier at the local Sheets who’s husband had apparently been taken out of their trailer park by Jesus or aliens. Either way, one night they had been watching The 700 Club when he just up and disappeared. Despite their new loves Sandy and Polo wanted to work it out. It was all very complicated.One Thanksgiving, Aunt Jeanette, Uncle Julius, Polo, Max Factor, and Perry Ellis all showed up. Max Factor announced he was studying to become a teacher. We all found this terribly ironic since he had probably only learned to walk upright the week before and checked his knuckles to see if they were bleeding. My mom, trying to be helpful suggested he take some classes in teaching Special Education to expand his employment. She had student taught at the school for the blind and found it rewarding. Then again, my mother is a good person. Max is a selfish prick. He proved this by replying, “Hell no. Don’t want to work with those retards.” Perry Ellis said nothing, but Aunt Jeanette announced he was accepted to MIT. Apparently he had written a ground breaking essay, probably on the genetic mutations he called his family. She also announced he was going ROTC, probably as a stunt never to see his family again. Who could blame him?Just then Uncle Julius announced, “I have a great joy to share. Polo is home and he is making an obscene amount of money.”“What are you doing?” My father asked, suspicious of this claim. Also to see if he was legal because as he told my mother in the car, “If that moron gets arrested I am not representing him. He’s on his own.” Translated, my dad had to get any and all idiots related to us out of legal jams because he was a lawyer. Sometimes I suspected that is why they fought the law so often, because while the law always won they had a lawyer in their back pocket and knew their rights.Polo, who had gained at least fifty more pounds stood up and held his bottle of beer. His hair, once brown and curly, was now shaved, and there was a suspicious scar, probably from where he jumped out of the car and cracked his head open. “Well I am selling used cars.”“Good.” My dad said trying to hide his distain and confusion at this whole thing.“You must be a great car salesman.” My mom said trying to intercept my dad’s contempt. Plus the whole room had become awkward and she was just trying to play peacemaker. “Only the best.” My Aunt Flo said. While her weakness were men who were unemployed and mooched off of her and she usually turned a blind eye, at this point my Godmother was suspicious as well.“Oh, and that is only part time. My other job really pays good money. It’s where I get most of my dough and I only have to work one weekend a month.” Polo shared.“That is like no job I have ever heard of.” My cousin Meara said. She bounced in with her auburn curls and dance leo. She had recently come from the local ballet school where she took class and now taught. While she knew Polo had his troubles she didn’t want to humiliate him. Even so, she too had questions.“Well I work as a professional lab test subject. They pay me four hundred dollars an hour. They shaved my head and put the electrodes on my scalp. I got kind of sick afterwards because they kept shocking me and gave me a shot of something weird. And my limbs got kind of numb but now I am doing fine. Destiny wants a scooter and a dad has to do what a dad has to do, right Uncle Bill?” My cousin Polo said looking at my dad.There was a silence as if everyone was unsure of how to respond. My Aunt Flo who’s suitors were typically unemployed with legal troubles could not compute. Meara didn’t understand. My other aunts and uncles sat there trying to process this very alternative occupation. They were dentists, hygenists, teachers, and all other things. Finally my dad said, “Well Polo, that is very good. I am glad you are growing up. You are absolutely right. A dad has to do what a dad has to do.” Everyone breathed a sigh of relief. Sure my cousin was flying lopsided but they had connected on that universal level. The rest of my uncles nodded and the chatter resumed. Looking back, my cousin never had a prayer with the parents he had. My Uncle Julius and Aunt Jeanette only thought of themselves and their children were afterthoughts. While they dismissed my cousin as a genetic mistake rather than blame bad parenting, he got it right in areas that they never did. Parenthood isn’t about what prep school your kids go to, how many hockey games they win, or what college they go to. It is about showing up for your children, and doing what you have to do no matter how humiliating to support them. That is where my cousin Polo, despite his mistakes, got it right where his parents kept failing that question on the Universal Test called Life.When my grandmother died, my cousin Polo came to her funeral and spoke about how my Nunni was the only one who believed in him when the rest of his family turned their backs on him. In her letters, my Nunni always told him, “I know you will do the right thing.”Sure, it was eccentric. Sure, it was weird. Sure, it was something none of us were prepared for. But unlike his parents, my cousin Polo did the right thing by his kid. In the end it can be safe to say the brain damaged ex-con with the anger management problem rose above them all. While he probably can’t pee on his own and glows in the dark, perhaps he taught us what life is truly about. 
Love

April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
Paperback available on Amazon and 877-Buy-Book
E-Book available on Kindle and Nook
Audiobook available on itunes and Audible this Spring
www.youtube.com/aprilthestarr
Portion of proceeds go to RAINN

Someone Like You (Adele)

Yesterday during my surfing on facebook I found out one of two men I ever really loved has a new girlfriend. Part of me was happy he moved on and seemed to be getting sober. The other part of me was hurt as hell. Actually it was as if my heart had been ripped out of my chest and thrown on the floor.

When I ended it, letting him go, I knew in my head I was doing the right thing. This particular person had drug issues, alcohol issues, and refused to go to meetings and get sober. He also refused to take his much needed psych meds. Then there were the legal issues like the felony charge he still faced. Not to mention the back child support he owed was astronomical. Everyone told me I was doing the right thing. He was a "Loser." These people didnt know him like I do.

In my heart I always wondered if I did the right thing through. This person served as a confidante to me when I was dating someone famous and the famous dude's baby mama just harassed around the clock. Not to mention he was there as emotional support when the psychotic former fiance who suffers from borderline personality disorder tried to make a comeback when my life was going good. And the night my house was robbed, he never left my side. Oh and he was so proud of me for everything I was doing about my career, and would tell anyone who would listen. He made me laugh and he had a good spirit. Yes I made the right decision, but did I?

A drug habit is not like snoring or burping. It's much bigger than that. A felony charge plus a bench warrant is not like a love for bad movies, it is much bigger than that. Back child support and the term dead beat dad arent someone going through a bad phase. They are someone who will leave you high and dry in my experience. But there is a part of my heart that can't and never will stop loving him.

I saw a picture of the new girlfriend and she looked like a fat whore. I will not lie. If trash could be tattooed on her forehead it would be an apt adjective. There is a large part of me that hates her guts because she has the one who stole my heart. But on the other hand I don't know her. She's a single mom. She's in school. She's trying her best. Hating her is just the easy way out. But he's happy and so is she. Maybe they are a better match although I don't want them to be.

In my hubris I thought I was going to be the one who was different and maybe I was. He told me that once. I remember when he was on the run he called me and even told me so. Of course he was working as an escort and was with his assortment of hos. But I was the one he wanted to talk to. I remember the last time we chatted. He called me high as a kite, probably on meth, with some crazy story. Then he texted me and said he was six months sober. But six months is too early to talk love. You are lucky if you can walk and chew gum. Sure, I wanted to live happily ever after. But all the times I got what I wanted, well, they werent so good. I got what I wanted one too many times and now know the Serenity Prayer by heart.

I know I need to keep moving. I have two family members-both lovely women- who got mixed up with men like this. Both of them are paying dearly. One is on a bad path with alcohol, is on her last chance with her professional license, and is in debt to the IRS for the rest of her life because of the damage done by falling in love with the guy she did. The other has kids with hers and her life is miserable, and she is sticking around cause she has no where else to go. Maybe it is better I got out when I did before there were children or any other collateral damage.

On the other hand, I am sort of thankful for it. Yes, in the end he was running from the law. But for so long after my fiance I had been an abusive ice box to the men I dated. I didnt trust and hell, I was less than faithful. There was no love in my heart for any of them even if they treated me kindly. But this was the one that changed all that. For the first time I wasn't an ice box who would cheat on whatever guy I was with and accuse him of every terrible thing in the book. I didnt feel so damaged, and he didnt treat me like a broken toy. I didnt think I could ever fall in love again after the fiance but I was wrong. I didnt want to be wrong, but I was. Sure, I hide my feelings from the rest of the world under a blanket of bravado but could never hide them from this dude, even if he was what they refer to as a barely functional deadbeat.

These days I am hit or miss with men. Some of them hit, but then they miss. And I know in my heart it is because I am comparing every guy I meet to him. Yes, they have a job and dont have any children. But they dont make me laugh or treat me as kind. Yes they arent on the run from the law. But they dont tell their friends how proud they are of me. Yes they dont have a drug or alcohol problem or mental health issue. But when the chips are down, they can't handle me. This dude could handle me. He could handle me at my Lindsay Lohan moments therefore he deserved me when I was in my Beyonce moments. Rub it in that he doesnt have his shit together why don't you?

There is a part of me that relishes in the mean, anti-male, angry, feminist, poetry writing alter ego I create. All of my puppet children are mostly women who dig for gold or killed a husband or lover. It is easier. That whole existence is easier than dealing with my feelings. I will probably bury myself in some iced cream, Lifetime Movies, and work. I will tell myself how I dont need love but then I will lurk on his page like a stupid school girl. I will tell myself if I showed up on his door step he would leave the tramp he is with in a minute. Oops April, EGO- Easing God Out. I have a feeling that my lover boy has gotten to know that slogan too as well as all my favorite least favorites that keep me grounded on his ever blessed fucked up planet called Earth and the state we call reality.

I know better than to go running after him. These days I am planning a book talk at an Ivy League School where I am now a part of their collection. My audio book is almost finished. I am starting work on my musical. Not to mention I might be touring again and really need to write new jokes if I am. This is where my focus needs to be, not my perpetual broken heart over a guy many start swearing at when they hear the full story. Some of this is because my grandmother died and I grieve in a freaky way. The other is things are going so well I just want to destroy them because I am afraid of the good time ending. Some of it is because I am afraid I will never feel this way about anyone again. You can't pick who you love, end of story.

The part of me that cares for him is glad he is getting sober. I am glad he is going to meetings and getting his legal stuff straightened out, slowly but surely. I am also glad he is back on his meds in some fashion. But most importantly, I am glad he is happy. While the selfish part wishes it were with me, the part of me that cares for him is glad he is happy.

Love, you suck. You suck freezer burnt dick.


April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
Paperback available on Amazon and 877-Buy-Book
E-Book available on Kindle and Nook
Audiobook available on itunes and Audible this Spring
www.youtube.com/aprilthestarr
Portion of proceeds go to RAINN