S.G. Holster's Blog, page 2
January 23, 2014
I know I've said this before...
Bloggers are an amazing support for indie authors!!! Paranormal Book Club has been kind enough to host a giveaway to celebrate the release of Terrible Lies.
-xo
http://paranormal-bookclub.com/?p=10158
Terrible Lies
-xo
http://paranormal-bookclub.com/?p=10158
Terrible Lies
December 9, 2013
Terrible Lies teaser...
As a new author I started out with lots of little dreams as to how Thirty Seconds To Die would be received. With its release, I hoped to sell a few books. I figured I could talk my family and friends into buying a copy - so I was confident it wouldn’t go unread.
As it turned out, TSTD reached more readers than I ever imagined it would.
I’m happy to finally share a little teaser of Terrible Lies (book 2 in the series). If you haven’t read Thirty Seconds To Die yet, I urge you to do so before reading this teaser.
As always, thank you so much for your support and for loving my characters. Please enjoy the first chapter of TERRIBLE LIES…
PREFACE
PEERING THROUGH THE windshield of the car, I was confused by the waving and expressionless strangers that lined the narrow stone street. I was dreaming.
Bright flowers overflowed from window boxes. It was quiet except for the faint ringing of church bells. I looked to my left where my mom sat next to me and then to my right where my dad smiled through me. I looked down at my hands resting on a cloud of white tulle. A sense of panic raced through my veins as I reached across my mom and opened the car door.
Everything moved in slow motion. I gathered the skirt of the dress in my arm and stepped out of the car and onto the ancient stone street. I started to run while the strangers stayed in place, waving and looking through me. The stone ground felt cool on my bare feet and as hard as I tried, I couldn’t run fast enough. I was frantically searching for Ren.
I let the bundle of white fluff fall as I turned a corner and found myself in the familiar dark, cold stone room where I was surrounded by faceless figures wrapped in black cloaks. My heart pounded as I absorbed my surroundings.
Just in front of me, with his back to me, stood Ren. The same scene played out as it had before in my dreams.
“Will you die for him?” A voice bellowed from the shadows. My eyes darted around the room and back to Ren where a man stood in front of him, waiting for my answer.
“Yes! Yes, please don’t hurt him, I love him.” I pleaded.
I turned to run, to escape and found myself standing in the snow-covered space where the angelic girl waited, surrounded by irresistible brilliance. I wanted to go to her and hold her, save her. This time she didn’t ask for my help. Her look remained vacant.
My eyes scanned the seamless surface and I noticed, off in the distance Brett. He stood frozen like a statue.
I took a step forward to go to him and as I did, she finally spoke.
“He’s not who you think he is.” Her sweet voice was poignant.
“I know.” I answered.
I woke with a start and wasn’t immediately aware of my surroundings. As I moved my eyes around the room, I realized that I was home, in my room - back in Ferndale. I lay back, staring at the ceiling, believing that everything that had happened was just a dream. Ren was just a dream and now, everything was back to normal.
I sat up, drew in a deep breath and ran my fingers through my hair. Then, looking down at my hand, I noticed the ring that Ren had placed on my finger that perfect day on the beach in La Croix. The same ring I’d given back to him.
ONE
THERE ARE SOME things in life you can be certain of. You just have to pay attention. It may come in different forms for everyone. For me, if I closed my eyes and cleared my thoughts, I could see it. Certainty may not always mean happiness, but if you follow your heart and believe in the magic of what could be – happiness will follow.
I had to believe there was a reason for my heartbreaking path. My emotional level had passed despair and continued on to whatever existed below that. I could only hope that the certainty would lead me to a happy ending. It had been five hours since I left Ren standing in the airport in Greenland.
While I was still on the small jet, I’d given into exhaustion and slept through most of the flight, and I dreamed. Even in sleep the trauma of what had happened in Greenland wouldn’t let me rest. There was the amazing sight of the aurora, the light shooting up from the sphere, Brett sinking into a watery grave, and Ren.
His eyes held me captive with his heart-shattering stare. I’d been through so much in the last few days; I wondered how my mangled heart still found the strength to keep beating. It felt as though all happiness had been lost in Greenland.
Neko sat across from me, tension radiating from him. I’d caused this. It wasn’t fair of me to ask to go home to Alaska with him. Or even what he’d done for me in Greenland. If he wasn’t there with me, the scene would have played out just as I’d imagined it. I would have died there in the ice. I would have died fulfilling my destiny. I should have died along with Brett.
I couldn’t stop the scene at the airport from continuously repeating.
Please stop.
I stole a beanie off an Indian statue at the airport when we landed in Alaska. I was cold. I thought it would make me warm. Of course, I wasn’t thinking clearly. I was completely lost, so I borrowed Neko’s cell and called my mom. When her voicemail picked up, it was probably for the best. I didn’t know if I could pretend to be okay. Hearing her voice on the voicemail was enough to calm me. If going home wouldn’t have caused me more heartache, I would have booked my ticket. My parents believed that I was blissfully happy. There wasn’t any story I could come up with that wouldn’t have them suspicious that things were not okay in fairytale land.
I didn’t have a clue what my next move would be. Would I just wait for the Sentori to come and collect me? We had a deal after all. I wanted Ren. I wanted to take it all back. Even if Ren and I could be together, I couldn’t trust that there wasn’t more about him that he was hiding. Love had blinded me, but even then, after all of it, with my eyes wide open, I still loved him.
We barely spoke on the drive from the airport to Neko’s house. I was filled with guilt and fear. As Neko’s small house came into view, the truck gently rolled to a stop.
“I‘ve asked a friend of mine to put you up. I think you’ll be more comfortable with her,” Neko said keeping his eyes straight ahead.
I thought I’d get a room in the small town, but on the drive from the airport, Neko had told me there weren’t any hotels. Truthfully, I hadn’t thought about where I’d stay. The imposition I was putting on Neko was sinking in. I knew eventually that the Sentori would come for me and, as sick as the reality was, I’d go with them. But I didn’t want to be alone when that time came. The thought of being all alone terrified me, and so I’d live with the guilt.
It was late and staying with Neko’s friend was my only option. If I wasn’t so tired, physically and mentally, I would have made a plan of where I’d go from there. Nervous flutters kicked around in my stomach, prompting me to wrap my arms around my waist. I opened the car door and grabbed my duffle bag out of the back.
“Her house is just down the path. You’ll like her.” He said over his shoulder. It was freezing out. I hoped the walk was as short as he made it sound. Around the edge of the lake, a small house loomed. A thin stream of smoke floated up from the chimney. Neko knocked on the door.
“Adine, it’s us.”
Adine was petite with dark hair pulled into a ponytail and a red bandana tied around her head. She had a round face and bright, happy eyes. I liked her instantly.
“Hi guys! Come in.” She moved to the side to let us through. “You’re Lexi,” she said, holding out her hand. I’d thought I looked like hell. The expression on her face made me sure of it.
I felt ill. I should have gone somewhere to be alone. Thankfully, Adine was just about the nicest person I’d ever met. Her home was warm and inviting. It was tidy and without clutter. The living room, where a stone fireplace warmed the room, was to my right. On the left was a dining area that shared space with the kitchen. The TV in the corner of the living room was set on a news channel. I started feeling more at ease and comfortable in my surroundings.
“Thanks for having me.”
“It’s no problem. You can stay as long as you like. It gets pretty boring here all by myself.” I smiled at how friendly she was. Neko frowned and shot her a stern look. He shook his head. I couldn’t blame him for being irritated. It was obvious he didn’t want Adine to encourage me to stay longer. He took my bag from me and disappeared through a doorway.
“What’s wrong with him?”
I didn’t answer her. Neko returned, maintaining his scowl as he opened the front door. Turning to me he said, “Let me know if you need anything.”
“Okay,” I answered before he closed the door. “Hey Neko – thanks.” My words sounded so lame.
“He’s so damn moody,” Adine said, shooting an irritated look at the door.
“It’s my fault. He’s angry with me.”
“Oh? Well, don’t let him get to you. He’s always so serious. Make yourself comfortable, I’m going to change - just got home from work,” she said, tugging on the strap to her brown overalls. She disappeared through a door at the end of a short hall.
I was anxious as I sat down on a couch situated in front of the fire place. By the look on her face, it was obvious that she was curious as to why I was there with Neko.
When Adine came back into the room, her hair fell loosely over her shoulders and her baggy t-shirt and sweat pants hung on her small frame.
“Are you hungry, Lexi?”
“Not really.”
“I’m going to make a salad. You’re welcome to join me,” she said, looking over her shoulder as I followed her into the small kitchen. I leaned against the counter as she chopped the lettuce.
“So what brings you to our little part of the world?”
“Um, I just needed to get away for a while.” I felt like I was struggling for poise. I must have sounded pathetic. I knew I looked pathetic. I really just wanted to curl up in a ball and shut the world out. I wanted to forget about what had happened in Greenland, but the haunting memory of Brett disappearing under the icy water was making it impossible. I’d never seen anyone die before, and every time I thought about it, Brett’s piercing blue eyes made me shiver. What hurt the most was having to give up Ren. My heart would never fully recover. At that moment, I was grateful for Adine’s easygoing attitude.
“Get away?” Her dark eyes glanced to mine. “Can you grab that bowl?” she asked motioning with her chin.
“Well, I just…it’s hard to explain. But Neko’s angry with me because he doesn’t believe I’m doing the right thing by being here. I really just need a few days to think.” I said, folding my arms across my chest.
“Well, what does he know, right?” She smiled at me and I forced a smile back. “Like I said, stay as long as you like.”
It was obvious that I didn’t want to talk about it and Adine was kind enough to let it go.
“All done,” She said. I could see her tough façade soften as she appeared more relaxed.
The house creaked as snow flurries hit the side of the cabin. Adine turned a movie on and tossed a blanket at me as she curled up at the other end of the couch. I felt exhausted and fought to keep my eyes open.
“How do you know Neko?” she asked.
“He is my fiancé’s best friend.” I clutched the blanket in my lap tightly. With a loud swallow, I forced myself to stay composed.
“Ren? You’re Ren’s girlfriend? Oh, I mean fiancé.” She smiled. “You’re the mystery girl that Neko’s grandfather’s been talking about.”
“What do you mean?”
“Oh, it’s just part of some myth that Eli is always going on about. I don’t buy into any of it. But you must have made quite an impression on him.” She shook her head.
“Yes, I’ve met Eli. I know all about the myth.” I made a slight laugh to insinuate that I thought it was an absurd story.
“So Ren’s not here with you?” She went for bluntness.
Her question couldn’t have hurt more. “No.”
“I love Ren. He’s the nicest guy I’ve ever met. I love when he comes to visit Neko,” she continued on.
I lamely nodded in agreement, trying my best not to let her words shatter me more. Ren was the kindest, most loving, passionate person I’d ever met, and whatever secrets he had were never meant to hurt me. I knew that for certain. An awkward silence filled the room.
“How long have you lived alone?” I asked, trying to change the subject.
“My parents died in an accident three years ago.” Her eyes caught the flame of the candle as she stared at it. “In fact Ren was with them when they died. The plane went down in a remote area. He escaped with very few injuries. Life’s funny that way, I guess. It was pretty traumatic for him. We found him on the edge of the forest twelve hours after the crash. He was pretty distraught. I’d lost my family that day. I can’t imagine what it was like for Ren. He loved my parents, too. My dad taught him how to fly.”
Ren hadn’t told me anything about being in a plane crash, but I guess there were a lot of things Ren hadn’t told me. My heart sank, and I looked away from her.
She’d lost her family and here I was running away from the one person I would give my life for. I guess in the end I had given my life for him, because I’d given myself to the Sentori in exchange for his safety.
I’d lost the ability to think after hearing that so I kept my responses short, “I’m sorry. It must be really hard.”
“Well, I have my friends and work. I had to take over the business when they died.”
“The business?”
“My parents owned an airline. We deliver supplies to remote villages. Neko flies for us, that is, when Ren doesn’t have him off on some adventure. I swear those two are always running off for weeks at a time. Well, except the past few months. I guess I have you to thank for that.”
Over the next few days, I settled into a routine. I woke, stared out the window most of the day and made polite conversation as best I could with Adine.
All the time spent alone had brought me some clarity, but not certainty. I was still waiting on that. I was positive that my life would never feel complete without Ren. I’d allowed myself to grieve over not being with him and the loss of what our future would have been. I held the fragile memory of our utopia, our beach in La Croix, in an intimate space in the back of my mind. I’d committed to memory every detail of the last time we’d made love, and what it felt like to be in his arms.
All that clarity didn’t chase away my nightmares, though. I’d wake up gasping for air after watching Brett fade into his watery grave. The nightmares I could hide, but the flashbacks of that day were painfully on display. What set them off I couldn’t say, but they’d flood in, momentarily paralyzing me before evaporating slowly through an ache in my mind.
It was Wednesday, I think. I’d completely lost track of the days, but what I knew for sure was that it had been five days since my heart stopped beating. Or at least that’s what it felt like. The empty feeling had me believing irrevocable damage had been done to my soul. Five days ago, I’d left Ren after saying horrifying things to him, things that were hideous, but necessary. I had to break his heart. In fact, it was entirely possible that I wanted to make him feel a bit of the pain I’d felt. I had to take him to a place where he’d hate me and not come looking for me so I could keep my end of the arrangement I’d made with the Sentori.
The Sentori were a secret society of killers in my opinion, but they believed they were protecting the sanctity of the human race by ridding the earth of reincarnated souls. I didn’t fully understand how or what they were. Brett had told me the Sentori had some superhuman qualities. Some of them were called readers and received names of people who’d been reborn. I didn’t try to understand it. I didn’t consider them completely human, just as they considered Ren and me abominations.
To ease the ache in my heart, I kept telling myself that if Ren and I hadn’t had the bond of having been reincarnated; we never would have fallen in love. Yeah, I kept telling myself that, but it wasn’t working. I would have fallen in love with him regardless. And I’d been left with nothing. I’d gone from feeling cherished and protected to the absolute emptiness of being alone. I had to forget the strength of his arms surrounding me, his kisses, his smile that was only for me and the finality of not hearing him whisper the words I love you in my ear.
I woke one morning with the same hopeless, empty feeling I’d come to consider normal, but I’d had enough. Why hadn’t the Sentori come for me? I was done being trapped in a state of purgatory, waiting for the Sentori to sentence me to whatever hell they had planned for me. Shrugging on a jacket, I grabbed the keys to Adine’s beat-up truck that was parked outside. After a few cranks, the rust bucket sputtered to life. I headed out and was surprised to find that the heater actually worked amazingly well. God knows what I was hoping for as I drove out to the ass end of nowhere and parked on a peak in the road. If the Sentori wanted me, I was going to sit and wait for them in the middle of the freezing landscape of autumn in Alaska.
I sat in that truck for hours as I watched the sun move across the sky. Feeling slightly delusional, I imagined Ren sitting beside me in the cab. We were running away, far away, where no one would find us. Then the empty silence started to play tricks with my mind. Heavenly thoughts I’d blocked out since my heart had been crushed slithered like the venom of a snake through my memory. The slippery serpent whispered its enchantments, filling every crevice. I needed to get back to civilization.
A vision of Ren’s smiling face, the warmth of his touch, the slight curl of his lip before he kissed me. Every happy memory came rushing back through the blackness illuminating it in brilliant color. I missed him…so much. I missed the way he smelled, his unruly hair, his warm eyes. I missed the way one side of his mouth curled up more than the other when he smiled. I missed the way his hands felt on me.
I started to sob.
Huge, uncontrollable, growling sobs filled the cab of the truck. I held my face in my hands and curled into a ball on the bench seat then drifted into sleep. I was jolted awake when a gust of wind shook the truck. Dusk was quickly consuming the last bit of sunlight and the temperature had dropped considerably. I was shivering and felt a little disoriented. As my eyes adjusted, the emotion I was going through before I fell to sleep reasserted itself. I missed Ren. Terribly. Whatever lies he’d told me or truths he hadn’t told me didn’t seem to matter as much anymore. I just wanted him there next to me.
My heart stuttered as another sob crept its way out. I wanted so badly to wrap my arms around him and tell him that I never wanted to let him go. But how could I? I was sure I’d done a pretty good job of breaking every connection we’d had with the horrible things I’d said. How could he forgive me?
And I’d be breaking the arrangement I made with the Sentori. Could I actually let myself believe that the deal I’d made with Brett died with him? Could I even allow myself to hope that they weren’t coming for me at all?
I turned the ignition – just a clicking sound. I tried a couple more times, same thing. Taking a deep breath, I gave it one more try and it rumbled to life. I smiled, feeling really thankful that I wasn’t going to freeze to death in the middle of nowhere. The heater quickly warmed the cab as I drove down the remote dirt road.
An hour later I stepped out of the warm truck with a new sense of strength - a glimmer of hope. As I took a couple steps toward the house, the front door flew open and Adine stomped out holding the phone to her ear.
“Never mind, she’s here.” Adine snapped the phone shut. “Where have you been? We were worried about you. The guys have been out looking for you all day.” She scowled at me and I didn’t quite understand her anger or concern. We’d only known each other a few days. And, we who? I was sure Neko wasn’t concerned with my whereabouts.
I narrowed my eyes and I cocked my head slightly. “I went for a drive. I just needed to get some air. You said it was okay to use the truck.”
“It is. You can. I was just surprised to find you gone. You’ve been so…so sad. I was worried.” She admitted.
“Oh…I’m sorry Adine. I’ll leave a note next time.” I forced a smile which she clearly knew full well was fake. I hadn’t smiled since I’d been there.
Adine turned away from me to go into the house. “I’m turning in early. I had a crappy day,” she mumbled.
“Can I come with you tomorrow?” I asked following her up the steps to the house.
“To work? It’s not that exciting.”
“It’ll take my mind off things.”
“Okay, then. I could use an extra set of hands.”
One nightmare and a panic attack later my wake-up call came too early. Adine woke me by loudly knocking on the door. I was really regretting the decision to go to work with her. I pulled the pillow over my head and reconsidered going with her. But I needed something to distract me.
“Time to go. I have coffee ready.” Adine cheerily added as she cruelly flipped the light switch on.
I rubbed my hands over my face, trying to wipe the sleep away. I pulled on jeans and a sweatshirt before grabbing my bag for the bathroom. The florescent light over the mirror flickered until it grew bright. Every time I looked in the mirror, I wanted to cry. Scrunching my nose to fight off tears, I rummaged through my bag for lotion. My fingers became tangled around a chain, and when I pulled my hand out, the pendant that had belonged to Brett dangled from my fingers. I slipped the chain over my head where it laid next to the sphere. I’d have to find a place where the sphere would be safe. I’d need to part with it before the Sentori found me. I didn’t want to take the chance of them getting hold of it. Like Ren had told me, we needed to preserve the details so the next protector of the passage would have the best chance of fulfilling their destiny. I didn’t know why I felt the need to put Brett’s necklace on. It didn’t seem right to wear it, but I slipped them both under my shirt anyway and avoided my reflection. Adine was sitting at the small kitchen table with two to-go cups of coffee.
“Ready? First delivery takes off at seven.”
“Thanks,” I said as she handed me a cup of coffee. It was almost too hot to hold, but I was glad for it as soon as we stepped out into the morning air. The heater in the cab of the car wasn’t warm enough and I tried my best not to shiver.
The drive to the small airport only took fifteen minutes. Once we were there, Adine drove to a hangar at the far end of the runway. A sign hung on the side of the building read Ojichaag Aviation in bright blue letters. The wind blew in big gusts and was so cold it felt like needles hitting my skin. The office was small but very neatly organized. There was a metal desk in the corner and photos hanging on the wall behind it.
“I hope Neko gets here soon or he won’t get out in time,” Adine said, peering out the window. “Do you want to help me load the plane?”
“Sure. Okay, anything that will keep me warm,” I answered, rubbing my hands together.
I followed her through a door that lead to the hangar where two sunny yellow airplanes sat. There was a wood pallet of boxes next to the plane that was closest to us.
“We’ll load those first before the delivery gets here.”
Adine opened the doors to the plane and grabbed a box from the top of the pile.
“You can hand them to me and I’ll put them in,” she said with a smile.
We worked through all of the boxes.
When Neko did arrive, the sun was up and the airport was coming to life.
“Good morning,” he mumbled, forcing a smile.
“Good morning.” I forced a smile back.
“Hey! Good morning. I was worried the wind would to pick up. Gilbert hasn’t come by yet so we’re just waiting on him,” Adine said as she entered the office. She looked to Neko and then to me.
Her smile produced dimples on either side of her mouth, and her eyes lit up. It was so obvious that Neko was the reason for the excitement in her eyes. She loved him. I watched her as the two of them went over paperwork. It was sweet how she was around him, like the way she touched him, but was careful not to linger. She was different from the independent, no-nonsense girl she was towards me. Sometimes she would catch herself and change her expression.
A parcel truck rumbled to a stop inside the hanger and a lanky man hopped out. I assumed he was Gilbert.
“Hey, Adine,” he said as he dashed to the back of the truck. “Not too much today.”
Neko kept his distance from me. I respected his space and didn’t try to pretend everything was okay or try to talk to him. I could only guess what Neko thought of me, but I liked him. I respected him for what he’d done for me and for the friend he was to Ren. He avoided any eye contact with me and went about doing his inspection of the plane.
When the plane was loaded, Neko climbed into the pilot’s seat. The engines roared to life and the plane rolled out of the hangar. Adine and I followed the small airplane out of the building. We watched as the plane turned and picked up speed down the runway. Adine was expressionless, and as she kept her eyes on the plane, I watched her curiously. The sparkle in her eyes dimmed and her dimples faded away. She remained focused on Neko until the last bit of yellow disappeared into the sky. I could see anguish take over, and her demeanor remained subdued for the rest of the day. As I watched Adine, I could see how distressed she was about having Neko out there, flying through the cold landscape where her parents had died. She was worried about him. I wondered why she put herself through that every day.
By the end of the week, I had watched the scene play out every day. Adine would close her eyes and swallow as if absorbing the pain of separation from what may have been the last person she cared about, the only thing she had left. The tough exterior she emanated was nothing more than a façade. The daily routine of her closing her eyes, probably saying a silent prayer, and swallowing her breath was an obvious indication of how terrified she was to see him fly away into the unforgiving sky. Having Neko fly for her was her way of staying close to him, even if it meant constant worry throughout the day. If it was so obvious to me that she loved him, why didn’t Neko see it? Why didn’t he love her back?
As the days went by, Neko wasn’t as cold towards me, but what I guessed was frustration lingered. On Friday, Ray, Neko’s father, invited Adine and me to dinner. I only wanted to be alone rather than try to pretend I was okay, but then I was getting pretty good at pretending to be okay. Eli would be there as well and that made me slightly more comfortable about the dinner. I wanted to speak with him. In fact, I was really looking for him to tell me I would be okay.
It was the first time I’d seen Adine attempt to put on any make up, and that only consisted of lip-gloss and mascara. She wore her hair down and a light blue sweater. I thought she looked pretty. We made the short walk along the lake to Neko’s house. The cabin was warm and smelled wonderful, like spices and herbs.
“Hi guys. Lexi it’s so good to see you again.” Ray hugged me, and the smile he gave me was a quick flash of understanding that Neko had told him everything. My stomach wound itself into a knot. I could feel the ticks of a flashback creeping its way up my spine, and I was suddenly transported to icy walls crumbling around me, and the beam of light shooting up to the brilliant colors of the aurora. I could feel the cold air on my face and my body shivered with panic. I’m sure it only lasted a few seconds, but when it was over, my hands were tightly gripped onto whatever I could grab, and the attention of everyone in the entire room was fixed on me.
“Okay, Lexi?” Ray asked calmly rubbing a hand across my shoulders as I unclenched my fingers from the back of a chair. I nodded. Adine had noticed my instances of complete shut down, but she never pried into what caused them.
After dinner, I wandered into the small living room where Eli sat in a leather recliner in front of the fire. I’m not sure why I felt such a strong connection with him. Maybe it was because he’d known who I was before I did. He’d shown me the sphere and the power it held. He looked frail with the glow of the fire casting dark shadows on his face. My heart tightened as I sat on the floor in front of him. Eli reached out for my hand.
“Alexandra, I’m happy you came tonight.”
I could only offer a limp smile that didn’t reach my eyes. I doubted I’d ever really smile again.
“Me, too.” My eyes instantly blurred with tears. I’d lost the battle with my emotions. “They’re coming for me, Eli. The Sentori are going to take me away, and I can’t fight them. I made a promise. What are they? Do you know? I mean, they’re evil and when they find me, I’ll have to go with them.” Eloquence had never been my strong point especially when emotion was driving the bus.
Eli patted my hand and leaned forward, “My girl. I believe what our legends tell us.” He leaned back in the chair, “There is a story of Atka, the guardian soul who watched over the spirit world. One day, Atka couldn’t find his lover, his partner, Yuralria and he searched for her until he came across Tekkeitsertok who stood guard over the passage of souls. Tekkeitsertok was jealous of Atka.
“Atka asked Tekkeitsertok if he’d seen Yuralria. Tekkeitsertok wanted Yuralria for himself and told Atka she had gone to the earth through the passage. Desperate to get her back, Atka went after her, but once on earth he discovered he’d been tricked. Tekkeitsertok had closed the passage so Atka could never return.
“Trapped on earth, Atka turned dark. Not completely human, Atka bred his own kind to ensure souls would never pass from the spirit world to earth again. A vendetta for the pain Tekkeitsertok inflicted on Atka by losing Yuralria, his true love. The evil Atka bred had to come with a price. It is told that the heart of a Sentori is cold and unable to feel love. It’s said that Yuralria faithfully waited at the passage, but Atka never returned. ”
“I believe that story, but Brett was a Sentori and he told me that he loved me.” I said wiping a tear from my cheek. I thought back to how Brett had declared his true feelings for me on the beach in Ferndale. The tortured look on his face after he’d kissed me solidified his sincerity.
“Maybe love is stronger than their evil,” Eli said.
I nodded in agreement.
“Alexandra, Neko has told me everything that happened. It must have taken an incredible amount of strength to close the passage. You are so brave.”
“It was my destiny. It was what I was born into this life to do. I’m not brave, Eli.”
He frowned at the coldness in my tone and slowly shook his head.
“Your soul lived on because of the love you died with and because, as the protector, you were not able to fulfill your destiny. Now that the passage is safe, Ren needs you. You know that. We both know that. You have seen it, but you have to allow yourself to feel it.”
I wanted to get up and leave. I hung my head to hide the tears that spilled from my eyes.
“His future is uncertain. There is a great goodness in him, but I see conflict in him, too. He needs you now more than he ever will. It was never his intent to betray you. It was the order in which your past needed to be revealed to you. When he came to me once he’d found you - the visions that were revealed to me were like nothing I’d ever seen. The protector had finally been found. I told Ren that he needed to be very careful with your memory. Do not mistake his love for you. It is steadfast and strong. Nothing can break the bond. Your journey did not end with the closing of the passage. Ren will need you when the forces pulling at him collide.”
Shame washed over me. I was devastated that day at the estate, but going on without Ren would kill me. My heart would never fully recover.
“You’re right. It’s been there for months, but I wasn’t seeing it because I was so focused on the passage. I’ve felt it, the pull and the dreams. How could I have missed it? I’d convinced myself that it was dangerous for him to be with me, but that’s not true. Is it?”
“No, Alexandra. It’s not. He will need you more than anyone or anything.”
I was stupid to think there was ever any deal. Of course I wasn’t thinking clearly when I told Brett that I’d give myself over to the Sentori in trade for them to leave Ren to live a safe, happy life. The Sentori wanted us dead, period. Had I been paying closer attention to the vivid images in my dream, I should have realized it.
“The dreams are so disturbing, Eli,” I continued, “It’s clear in the dream that the Sentori want Ren. Why?” I stopped there. Not telling Eli the part of the dream where I was faced with having to choose my life for Ren’s might have been a mistake, but I couldn’t bring myself to say the words.
Eli smiled and stroked my hair. “Our world is mysterious. Stay true to your heart and what is in your dreams. That is the only way you will know what is true.”
I believed Eli, but I didn’t have a clue what to do next. I’d made a mess of everything, believing that breaking Ren’s heart would keep him from following me. I couldn’t think clearly. Eli had said that I should follow my heart and that was my only hope of fixing any of this. I wanted to fix it, desperately. As Neko, Adine and Ray played cards, Eli and I sat by the fireplace in silence.
“I have to go,” I whispered. Eli watched as I stood. I took his withered hand in mine. “Thank you.” I managed a smile. Eli responded with a nod.
Making my way toward the door, I thanked Ray for the nice dinner. Neko and Adine looked at each other.
“I’m gonna finish the game,” Adine said as she splayed the cards in her hand.
“Okay.”
I quietly closed the door behind me. The icy air immediately bit at my face. I’d have to walk quickly back to Adine’s house, if not run. I’d started out on the dark trail when I heard Neko call my name.
“Wait up, Lex. I’ll walk you back,” he said, jogging to my side. I felt a surge of guilt and irritation. I didn’t want anything from him; he’d already saved my life back in Greenland. I knew he didn’t really want to be out there with me. He didn’t like the way I’d run out on Ren in England, and I was sure he knew what had happened at the airport in Greenland. So, I was fully aware that I wasn’t Neko’s favorite person. Ray and Adine probably made him come out. I turned and kept walking.
“You don’t need to, Neko. I can walk myself.”
He grabbed onto my arm, surprising me. I tensed at his tight grasp. A strange standoff ensued as we stared at each other.
“I know you can take care of yourself. We all know. But I gave my word to my friend that I’d watch over you,” he spat out. We glared at each other. I took a deep breath and yanked my arm away as I turned to continue down the narrow trail.
“You should go back to Adine,” I said over my shoulder. Then frustration flared up and I couldn’t help myself. I stopped and turned back to him. “She needs you. She’s all alone and probably still mourning the death of her parents, and you’re the one person that she has left.”
I knew it was none of my business, but I was tired of talking about myself. I thought Neko was an idiot for not seeing how much Adine needed him. Neko turned away from me, not wanting to hear what I had to say. His jaw clenched in frustration.
“Adine is in love with you,” I burst out. “I can’t believe you don’t know that. You’re so blind to what’s right in front of you. If you can’t see that she needs you, then you don’t deserve her.” My speech was harsh and completely out of line.
Turning back to me, his dark eyes narrowed at me. “Well, I can say the same about you, can’t I? You shouldn’t be here. Ren’s whole world has been built around you and you’ve turned your back on him. How can you be such a selfish, cold bitch?”
I wasn’t expecting him to attack me like that. I impulsively slapped him so hard that my hand stung. No one had ever spoken to me like that. I felt like I’d been stabbed in the stomach. Turning and running away from him down the dirt path, I fought off the tears that filled my eyes. As much as I hated Neko for turning it back on me, he was right. He didn’t know my side of the story about why I’d left Ren in Greenland. I hadn’t told anyone before that night. But this had to end. The ache in my chest took my breath away and by the time I reached the cabin, I felt like I was going to collapse.
“Lex, wait,” Neko called to me. I hadn’t realized he was following me. I wiped tears away with my hand and turned to face him. “I’m sorry, Lex. I shouldn’t have said that.”
The side of his face had my red hand mark on it. “I’m sorry I slapped you. I know you don’t like me, Neko. I mean, I know you probably have a pretty low opinion of me.” I had to break our eye contact.
I was surprised when Neko reached out and held my chin in place to look at him. “That’s not true, Lexi. What you did in Greenland - that was incredible. You were so strong and brave. I think you’re pretty amazing. What went on at Lions Head, no one blames you for your reaction. They were all so worried about you. I’m so happy that I went to Samuel when I did. That was just luck. I’m so thankful I was there.” The warmth of his hand on my shoulder made me realize how cold the rest of my body was.
“Can we talk a little more inside?” I asked.
“I’d like that.”
Neko went to work getting the fireplace lit. I closed myself in the bathroom to wash my face, but I avoided the mirror. Once I felt calmer, I put the kettle on for tea. Neko and I sat in front of the fire, balancing the warm cups in our hands.
“I wouldn’t have made it without you. You know that, don’t you?” I asked Neko. “Who knows what Brett would have done, you know?”
“I believe Brett would have done exactly what he did. He was protecting you. I know it wasn’t obvious to you, but it was to me. Whatever he was supposed to get out of the passage, you were his only concern,” Neko confessed.
In that purified moment we both saw the flaw as if the universe was trying to prove that there was no end to the perverseness of the heart. Human or not, Brett had told me he loved me. A contradiction to the story Eli had told me. Senseless currents of doubt rushed through my mind contradicting the lucidity. That was just it. What was Brett supposed to get from the passage?
Me.
He was there to make sure I made it out alive. If it was for his own selfish reason or for the Sentori, I’d never know, but I chose to believe the latter.
“You’re right.” I shook my head in disbelief, “He was supposed to deliver me back to the Sentori.”
I could see the tension in his jaw. “Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked.
“I didn’t think I was going to make it out alive.” I avoided his eyes and stared at the fire.
After a long silence he said. “I’m gonna head back. Can I get you anything?”
I shook my head. “No. No thanks, Neko. I just really want to go to sleep.”
As exhausted as I was, I knew sleep wouldn’t come easily. Everything that Eli had told me was going to have my mind reeling as soon as I hit the pillow.
Neko walked his cup into the kitchen and then went for the door.
“Are we good, Lex?” he asked, trying to smile.
“Yeah. We’re good.” I wrapped my arms around his slender body and he returned the hug. Neither of us lingered in our embrace. Not out of revolt or adoration, but the understanding of the dichotomy. Our brief hug landed us somewhere in the middle. I believe Neko knew before I did that I’d made up my mind to go home.
“Neko. What will he do?” I asked before he closed the door.
He stared at me for a moment in the doorway. “He’ll choose you, Lex. He’ll always choose you.”
I flopped into my bed clothes and pulled the covers up to my chin to keep the warmth in. My mind was clear, but my emotions were still flooded with self-pity. What I did know, what I was sure of – was that I was hopelessly in love with Ren.
My fear was that I was in love with the idea that Ren was his brother, John. But the longer I laid there and ran it through my mind; I knew that it wasn’t true. I loved him. Ren.Terrible LiesS.G. Holster
As it turned out, TSTD reached more readers than I ever imagined it would.
I’m happy to finally share a little teaser of Terrible Lies (book 2 in the series). If you haven’t read Thirty Seconds To Die yet, I urge you to do so before reading this teaser.
As always, thank you so much for your support and for loving my characters. Please enjoy the first chapter of TERRIBLE LIES…
PREFACE
PEERING THROUGH THE windshield of the car, I was confused by the waving and expressionless strangers that lined the narrow stone street. I was dreaming.
Bright flowers overflowed from window boxes. It was quiet except for the faint ringing of church bells. I looked to my left where my mom sat next to me and then to my right where my dad smiled through me. I looked down at my hands resting on a cloud of white tulle. A sense of panic raced through my veins as I reached across my mom and opened the car door.
Everything moved in slow motion. I gathered the skirt of the dress in my arm and stepped out of the car and onto the ancient stone street. I started to run while the strangers stayed in place, waving and looking through me. The stone ground felt cool on my bare feet and as hard as I tried, I couldn’t run fast enough. I was frantically searching for Ren.
I let the bundle of white fluff fall as I turned a corner and found myself in the familiar dark, cold stone room where I was surrounded by faceless figures wrapped in black cloaks. My heart pounded as I absorbed my surroundings.
Just in front of me, with his back to me, stood Ren. The same scene played out as it had before in my dreams.
“Will you die for him?” A voice bellowed from the shadows. My eyes darted around the room and back to Ren where a man stood in front of him, waiting for my answer.
“Yes! Yes, please don’t hurt him, I love him.” I pleaded.
I turned to run, to escape and found myself standing in the snow-covered space where the angelic girl waited, surrounded by irresistible brilliance. I wanted to go to her and hold her, save her. This time she didn’t ask for my help. Her look remained vacant.
My eyes scanned the seamless surface and I noticed, off in the distance Brett. He stood frozen like a statue.
I took a step forward to go to him and as I did, she finally spoke.
“He’s not who you think he is.” Her sweet voice was poignant.
“I know.” I answered.
I woke with a start and wasn’t immediately aware of my surroundings. As I moved my eyes around the room, I realized that I was home, in my room - back in Ferndale. I lay back, staring at the ceiling, believing that everything that had happened was just a dream. Ren was just a dream and now, everything was back to normal.
I sat up, drew in a deep breath and ran my fingers through my hair. Then, looking down at my hand, I noticed the ring that Ren had placed on my finger that perfect day on the beach in La Croix. The same ring I’d given back to him.
ONE
THERE ARE SOME things in life you can be certain of. You just have to pay attention. It may come in different forms for everyone. For me, if I closed my eyes and cleared my thoughts, I could see it. Certainty may not always mean happiness, but if you follow your heart and believe in the magic of what could be – happiness will follow.
I had to believe there was a reason for my heartbreaking path. My emotional level had passed despair and continued on to whatever existed below that. I could only hope that the certainty would lead me to a happy ending. It had been five hours since I left Ren standing in the airport in Greenland.
While I was still on the small jet, I’d given into exhaustion and slept through most of the flight, and I dreamed. Even in sleep the trauma of what had happened in Greenland wouldn’t let me rest. There was the amazing sight of the aurora, the light shooting up from the sphere, Brett sinking into a watery grave, and Ren.
His eyes held me captive with his heart-shattering stare. I’d been through so much in the last few days; I wondered how my mangled heart still found the strength to keep beating. It felt as though all happiness had been lost in Greenland.
Neko sat across from me, tension radiating from him. I’d caused this. It wasn’t fair of me to ask to go home to Alaska with him. Or even what he’d done for me in Greenland. If he wasn’t there with me, the scene would have played out just as I’d imagined it. I would have died there in the ice. I would have died fulfilling my destiny. I should have died along with Brett.
I couldn’t stop the scene at the airport from continuously repeating.
Please stop.
I stole a beanie off an Indian statue at the airport when we landed in Alaska. I was cold. I thought it would make me warm. Of course, I wasn’t thinking clearly. I was completely lost, so I borrowed Neko’s cell and called my mom. When her voicemail picked up, it was probably for the best. I didn’t know if I could pretend to be okay. Hearing her voice on the voicemail was enough to calm me. If going home wouldn’t have caused me more heartache, I would have booked my ticket. My parents believed that I was blissfully happy. There wasn’t any story I could come up with that wouldn’t have them suspicious that things were not okay in fairytale land.
I didn’t have a clue what my next move would be. Would I just wait for the Sentori to come and collect me? We had a deal after all. I wanted Ren. I wanted to take it all back. Even if Ren and I could be together, I couldn’t trust that there wasn’t more about him that he was hiding. Love had blinded me, but even then, after all of it, with my eyes wide open, I still loved him.
We barely spoke on the drive from the airport to Neko’s house. I was filled with guilt and fear. As Neko’s small house came into view, the truck gently rolled to a stop.
“I‘ve asked a friend of mine to put you up. I think you’ll be more comfortable with her,” Neko said keeping his eyes straight ahead.
I thought I’d get a room in the small town, but on the drive from the airport, Neko had told me there weren’t any hotels. Truthfully, I hadn’t thought about where I’d stay. The imposition I was putting on Neko was sinking in. I knew eventually that the Sentori would come for me and, as sick as the reality was, I’d go with them. But I didn’t want to be alone when that time came. The thought of being all alone terrified me, and so I’d live with the guilt.
It was late and staying with Neko’s friend was my only option. If I wasn’t so tired, physically and mentally, I would have made a plan of where I’d go from there. Nervous flutters kicked around in my stomach, prompting me to wrap my arms around my waist. I opened the car door and grabbed my duffle bag out of the back.
“Her house is just down the path. You’ll like her.” He said over his shoulder. It was freezing out. I hoped the walk was as short as he made it sound. Around the edge of the lake, a small house loomed. A thin stream of smoke floated up from the chimney. Neko knocked on the door.
“Adine, it’s us.”
Adine was petite with dark hair pulled into a ponytail and a red bandana tied around her head. She had a round face and bright, happy eyes. I liked her instantly.
“Hi guys! Come in.” She moved to the side to let us through. “You’re Lexi,” she said, holding out her hand. I’d thought I looked like hell. The expression on her face made me sure of it.
I felt ill. I should have gone somewhere to be alone. Thankfully, Adine was just about the nicest person I’d ever met. Her home was warm and inviting. It was tidy and without clutter. The living room, where a stone fireplace warmed the room, was to my right. On the left was a dining area that shared space with the kitchen. The TV in the corner of the living room was set on a news channel. I started feeling more at ease and comfortable in my surroundings.
“Thanks for having me.”
“It’s no problem. You can stay as long as you like. It gets pretty boring here all by myself.” I smiled at how friendly she was. Neko frowned and shot her a stern look. He shook his head. I couldn’t blame him for being irritated. It was obvious he didn’t want Adine to encourage me to stay longer. He took my bag from me and disappeared through a doorway.
“What’s wrong with him?”
I didn’t answer her. Neko returned, maintaining his scowl as he opened the front door. Turning to me he said, “Let me know if you need anything.”
“Okay,” I answered before he closed the door. “Hey Neko – thanks.” My words sounded so lame.
“He’s so damn moody,” Adine said, shooting an irritated look at the door.
“It’s my fault. He’s angry with me.”
“Oh? Well, don’t let him get to you. He’s always so serious. Make yourself comfortable, I’m going to change - just got home from work,” she said, tugging on the strap to her brown overalls. She disappeared through a door at the end of a short hall.
I was anxious as I sat down on a couch situated in front of the fire place. By the look on her face, it was obvious that she was curious as to why I was there with Neko.
When Adine came back into the room, her hair fell loosely over her shoulders and her baggy t-shirt and sweat pants hung on her small frame.
“Are you hungry, Lexi?”
“Not really.”
“I’m going to make a salad. You’re welcome to join me,” she said, looking over her shoulder as I followed her into the small kitchen. I leaned against the counter as she chopped the lettuce.
“So what brings you to our little part of the world?”
“Um, I just needed to get away for a while.” I felt like I was struggling for poise. I must have sounded pathetic. I knew I looked pathetic. I really just wanted to curl up in a ball and shut the world out. I wanted to forget about what had happened in Greenland, but the haunting memory of Brett disappearing under the icy water was making it impossible. I’d never seen anyone die before, and every time I thought about it, Brett’s piercing blue eyes made me shiver. What hurt the most was having to give up Ren. My heart would never fully recover. At that moment, I was grateful for Adine’s easygoing attitude.
“Get away?” Her dark eyes glanced to mine. “Can you grab that bowl?” she asked motioning with her chin.
“Well, I just…it’s hard to explain. But Neko’s angry with me because he doesn’t believe I’m doing the right thing by being here. I really just need a few days to think.” I said, folding my arms across my chest.
“Well, what does he know, right?” She smiled at me and I forced a smile back. “Like I said, stay as long as you like.”
It was obvious that I didn’t want to talk about it and Adine was kind enough to let it go.
“All done,” She said. I could see her tough façade soften as she appeared more relaxed.
The house creaked as snow flurries hit the side of the cabin. Adine turned a movie on and tossed a blanket at me as she curled up at the other end of the couch. I felt exhausted and fought to keep my eyes open.
“How do you know Neko?” she asked.
“He is my fiancé’s best friend.” I clutched the blanket in my lap tightly. With a loud swallow, I forced myself to stay composed.
“Ren? You’re Ren’s girlfriend? Oh, I mean fiancé.” She smiled. “You’re the mystery girl that Neko’s grandfather’s been talking about.”
“What do you mean?”
“Oh, it’s just part of some myth that Eli is always going on about. I don’t buy into any of it. But you must have made quite an impression on him.” She shook her head.
“Yes, I’ve met Eli. I know all about the myth.” I made a slight laugh to insinuate that I thought it was an absurd story.
“So Ren’s not here with you?” She went for bluntness.
Her question couldn’t have hurt more. “No.”
“I love Ren. He’s the nicest guy I’ve ever met. I love when he comes to visit Neko,” she continued on.
I lamely nodded in agreement, trying my best not to let her words shatter me more. Ren was the kindest, most loving, passionate person I’d ever met, and whatever secrets he had were never meant to hurt me. I knew that for certain. An awkward silence filled the room.
“How long have you lived alone?” I asked, trying to change the subject.
“My parents died in an accident three years ago.” Her eyes caught the flame of the candle as she stared at it. “In fact Ren was with them when they died. The plane went down in a remote area. He escaped with very few injuries. Life’s funny that way, I guess. It was pretty traumatic for him. We found him on the edge of the forest twelve hours after the crash. He was pretty distraught. I’d lost my family that day. I can’t imagine what it was like for Ren. He loved my parents, too. My dad taught him how to fly.”
Ren hadn’t told me anything about being in a plane crash, but I guess there were a lot of things Ren hadn’t told me. My heart sank, and I looked away from her.
She’d lost her family and here I was running away from the one person I would give my life for. I guess in the end I had given my life for him, because I’d given myself to the Sentori in exchange for his safety.
I’d lost the ability to think after hearing that so I kept my responses short, “I’m sorry. It must be really hard.”
“Well, I have my friends and work. I had to take over the business when they died.”
“The business?”
“My parents owned an airline. We deliver supplies to remote villages. Neko flies for us, that is, when Ren doesn’t have him off on some adventure. I swear those two are always running off for weeks at a time. Well, except the past few months. I guess I have you to thank for that.”
Over the next few days, I settled into a routine. I woke, stared out the window most of the day and made polite conversation as best I could with Adine.
All the time spent alone had brought me some clarity, but not certainty. I was still waiting on that. I was positive that my life would never feel complete without Ren. I’d allowed myself to grieve over not being with him and the loss of what our future would have been. I held the fragile memory of our utopia, our beach in La Croix, in an intimate space in the back of my mind. I’d committed to memory every detail of the last time we’d made love, and what it felt like to be in his arms.
All that clarity didn’t chase away my nightmares, though. I’d wake up gasping for air after watching Brett fade into his watery grave. The nightmares I could hide, but the flashbacks of that day were painfully on display. What set them off I couldn’t say, but they’d flood in, momentarily paralyzing me before evaporating slowly through an ache in my mind.
It was Wednesday, I think. I’d completely lost track of the days, but what I knew for sure was that it had been five days since my heart stopped beating. Or at least that’s what it felt like. The empty feeling had me believing irrevocable damage had been done to my soul. Five days ago, I’d left Ren after saying horrifying things to him, things that were hideous, but necessary. I had to break his heart. In fact, it was entirely possible that I wanted to make him feel a bit of the pain I’d felt. I had to take him to a place where he’d hate me and not come looking for me so I could keep my end of the arrangement I’d made with the Sentori.
The Sentori were a secret society of killers in my opinion, but they believed they were protecting the sanctity of the human race by ridding the earth of reincarnated souls. I didn’t fully understand how or what they were. Brett had told me the Sentori had some superhuman qualities. Some of them were called readers and received names of people who’d been reborn. I didn’t try to understand it. I didn’t consider them completely human, just as they considered Ren and me abominations.
To ease the ache in my heart, I kept telling myself that if Ren and I hadn’t had the bond of having been reincarnated; we never would have fallen in love. Yeah, I kept telling myself that, but it wasn’t working. I would have fallen in love with him regardless. And I’d been left with nothing. I’d gone from feeling cherished and protected to the absolute emptiness of being alone. I had to forget the strength of his arms surrounding me, his kisses, his smile that was only for me and the finality of not hearing him whisper the words I love you in my ear.
I woke one morning with the same hopeless, empty feeling I’d come to consider normal, but I’d had enough. Why hadn’t the Sentori come for me? I was done being trapped in a state of purgatory, waiting for the Sentori to sentence me to whatever hell they had planned for me. Shrugging on a jacket, I grabbed the keys to Adine’s beat-up truck that was parked outside. After a few cranks, the rust bucket sputtered to life. I headed out and was surprised to find that the heater actually worked amazingly well. God knows what I was hoping for as I drove out to the ass end of nowhere and parked on a peak in the road. If the Sentori wanted me, I was going to sit and wait for them in the middle of the freezing landscape of autumn in Alaska.
I sat in that truck for hours as I watched the sun move across the sky. Feeling slightly delusional, I imagined Ren sitting beside me in the cab. We were running away, far away, where no one would find us. Then the empty silence started to play tricks with my mind. Heavenly thoughts I’d blocked out since my heart had been crushed slithered like the venom of a snake through my memory. The slippery serpent whispered its enchantments, filling every crevice. I needed to get back to civilization.
A vision of Ren’s smiling face, the warmth of his touch, the slight curl of his lip before he kissed me. Every happy memory came rushing back through the blackness illuminating it in brilliant color. I missed him…so much. I missed the way he smelled, his unruly hair, his warm eyes. I missed the way one side of his mouth curled up more than the other when he smiled. I missed the way his hands felt on me.
I started to sob.
Huge, uncontrollable, growling sobs filled the cab of the truck. I held my face in my hands and curled into a ball on the bench seat then drifted into sleep. I was jolted awake when a gust of wind shook the truck. Dusk was quickly consuming the last bit of sunlight and the temperature had dropped considerably. I was shivering and felt a little disoriented. As my eyes adjusted, the emotion I was going through before I fell to sleep reasserted itself. I missed Ren. Terribly. Whatever lies he’d told me or truths he hadn’t told me didn’t seem to matter as much anymore. I just wanted him there next to me.
My heart stuttered as another sob crept its way out. I wanted so badly to wrap my arms around him and tell him that I never wanted to let him go. But how could I? I was sure I’d done a pretty good job of breaking every connection we’d had with the horrible things I’d said. How could he forgive me?
And I’d be breaking the arrangement I made with the Sentori. Could I actually let myself believe that the deal I’d made with Brett died with him? Could I even allow myself to hope that they weren’t coming for me at all?
I turned the ignition – just a clicking sound. I tried a couple more times, same thing. Taking a deep breath, I gave it one more try and it rumbled to life. I smiled, feeling really thankful that I wasn’t going to freeze to death in the middle of nowhere. The heater quickly warmed the cab as I drove down the remote dirt road.
An hour later I stepped out of the warm truck with a new sense of strength - a glimmer of hope. As I took a couple steps toward the house, the front door flew open and Adine stomped out holding the phone to her ear.
“Never mind, she’s here.” Adine snapped the phone shut. “Where have you been? We were worried about you. The guys have been out looking for you all day.” She scowled at me and I didn’t quite understand her anger or concern. We’d only known each other a few days. And, we who? I was sure Neko wasn’t concerned with my whereabouts.
I narrowed my eyes and I cocked my head slightly. “I went for a drive. I just needed to get some air. You said it was okay to use the truck.”
“It is. You can. I was just surprised to find you gone. You’ve been so…so sad. I was worried.” She admitted.
“Oh…I’m sorry Adine. I’ll leave a note next time.” I forced a smile which she clearly knew full well was fake. I hadn’t smiled since I’d been there.
Adine turned away from me to go into the house. “I’m turning in early. I had a crappy day,” she mumbled.
“Can I come with you tomorrow?” I asked following her up the steps to the house.
“To work? It’s not that exciting.”
“It’ll take my mind off things.”
“Okay, then. I could use an extra set of hands.”
One nightmare and a panic attack later my wake-up call came too early. Adine woke me by loudly knocking on the door. I was really regretting the decision to go to work with her. I pulled the pillow over my head and reconsidered going with her. But I needed something to distract me.
“Time to go. I have coffee ready.” Adine cheerily added as she cruelly flipped the light switch on.
I rubbed my hands over my face, trying to wipe the sleep away. I pulled on jeans and a sweatshirt before grabbing my bag for the bathroom. The florescent light over the mirror flickered until it grew bright. Every time I looked in the mirror, I wanted to cry. Scrunching my nose to fight off tears, I rummaged through my bag for lotion. My fingers became tangled around a chain, and when I pulled my hand out, the pendant that had belonged to Brett dangled from my fingers. I slipped the chain over my head where it laid next to the sphere. I’d have to find a place where the sphere would be safe. I’d need to part with it before the Sentori found me. I didn’t want to take the chance of them getting hold of it. Like Ren had told me, we needed to preserve the details so the next protector of the passage would have the best chance of fulfilling their destiny. I didn’t know why I felt the need to put Brett’s necklace on. It didn’t seem right to wear it, but I slipped them both under my shirt anyway and avoided my reflection. Adine was sitting at the small kitchen table with two to-go cups of coffee.
“Ready? First delivery takes off at seven.”
“Thanks,” I said as she handed me a cup of coffee. It was almost too hot to hold, but I was glad for it as soon as we stepped out into the morning air. The heater in the cab of the car wasn’t warm enough and I tried my best not to shiver.
The drive to the small airport only took fifteen minutes. Once we were there, Adine drove to a hangar at the far end of the runway. A sign hung on the side of the building read Ojichaag Aviation in bright blue letters. The wind blew in big gusts and was so cold it felt like needles hitting my skin. The office was small but very neatly organized. There was a metal desk in the corner and photos hanging on the wall behind it.
“I hope Neko gets here soon or he won’t get out in time,” Adine said, peering out the window. “Do you want to help me load the plane?”
“Sure. Okay, anything that will keep me warm,” I answered, rubbing my hands together.
I followed her through a door that lead to the hangar where two sunny yellow airplanes sat. There was a wood pallet of boxes next to the plane that was closest to us.
“We’ll load those first before the delivery gets here.”
Adine opened the doors to the plane and grabbed a box from the top of the pile.
“You can hand them to me and I’ll put them in,” she said with a smile.
We worked through all of the boxes.
When Neko did arrive, the sun was up and the airport was coming to life.
“Good morning,” he mumbled, forcing a smile.
“Good morning.” I forced a smile back.
“Hey! Good morning. I was worried the wind would to pick up. Gilbert hasn’t come by yet so we’re just waiting on him,” Adine said as she entered the office. She looked to Neko and then to me.
Her smile produced dimples on either side of her mouth, and her eyes lit up. It was so obvious that Neko was the reason for the excitement in her eyes. She loved him. I watched her as the two of them went over paperwork. It was sweet how she was around him, like the way she touched him, but was careful not to linger. She was different from the independent, no-nonsense girl she was towards me. Sometimes she would catch herself and change her expression.
A parcel truck rumbled to a stop inside the hanger and a lanky man hopped out. I assumed he was Gilbert.
“Hey, Adine,” he said as he dashed to the back of the truck. “Not too much today.”
Neko kept his distance from me. I respected his space and didn’t try to pretend everything was okay or try to talk to him. I could only guess what Neko thought of me, but I liked him. I respected him for what he’d done for me and for the friend he was to Ren. He avoided any eye contact with me and went about doing his inspection of the plane.
When the plane was loaded, Neko climbed into the pilot’s seat. The engines roared to life and the plane rolled out of the hangar. Adine and I followed the small airplane out of the building. We watched as the plane turned and picked up speed down the runway. Adine was expressionless, and as she kept her eyes on the plane, I watched her curiously. The sparkle in her eyes dimmed and her dimples faded away. She remained focused on Neko until the last bit of yellow disappeared into the sky. I could see anguish take over, and her demeanor remained subdued for the rest of the day. As I watched Adine, I could see how distressed she was about having Neko out there, flying through the cold landscape where her parents had died. She was worried about him. I wondered why she put herself through that every day.
By the end of the week, I had watched the scene play out every day. Adine would close her eyes and swallow as if absorbing the pain of separation from what may have been the last person she cared about, the only thing she had left. The tough exterior she emanated was nothing more than a façade. The daily routine of her closing her eyes, probably saying a silent prayer, and swallowing her breath was an obvious indication of how terrified she was to see him fly away into the unforgiving sky. Having Neko fly for her was her way of staying close to him, even if it meant constant worry throughout the day. If it was so obvious to me that she loved him, why didn’t Neko see it? Why didn’t he love her back?
As the days went by, Neko wasn’t as cold towards me, but what I guessed was frustration lingered. On Friday, Ray, Neko’s father, invited Adine and me to dinner. I only wanted to be alone rather than try to pretend I was okay, but then I was getting pretty good at pretending to be okay. Eli would be there as well and that made me slightly more comfortable about the dinner. I wanted to speak with him. In fact, I was really looking for him to tell me I would be okay.
It was the first time I’d seen Adine attempt to put on any make up, and that only consisted of lip-gloss and mascara. She wore her hair down and a light blue sweater. I thought she looked pretty. We made the short walk along the lake to Neko’s house. The cabin was warm and smelled wonderful, like spices and herbs.
“Hi guys. Lexi it’s so good to see you again.” Ray hugged me, and the smile he gave me was a quick flash of understanding that Neko had told him everything. My stomach wound itself into a knot. I could feel the ticks of a flashback creeping its way up my spine, and I was suddenly transported to icy walls crumbling around me, and the beam of light shooting up to the brilliant colors of the aurora. I could feel the cold air on my face and my body shivered with panic. I’m sure it only lasted a few seconds, but when it was over, my hands were tightly gripped onto whatever I could grab, and the attention of everyone in the entire room was fixed on me.
“Okay, Lexi?” Ray asked calmly rubbing a hand across my shoulders as I unclenched my fingers from the back of a chair. I nodded. Adine had noticed my instances of complete shut down, but she never pried into what caused them.
After dinner, I wandered into the small living room where Eli sat in a leather recliner in front of the fire. I’m not sure why I felt such a strong connection with him. Maybe it was because he’d known who I was before I did. He’d shown me the sphere and the power it held. He looked frail with the glow of the fire casting dark shadows on his face. My heart tightened as I sat on the floor in front of him. Eli reached out for my hand.
“Alexandra, I’m happy you came tonight.”
I could only offer a limp smile that didn’t reach my eyes. I doubted I’d ever really smile again.
“Me, too.” My eyes instantly blurred with tears. I’d lost the battle with my emotions. “They’re coming for me, Eli. The Sentori are going to take me away, and I can’t fight them. I made a promise. What are they? Do you know? I mean, they’re evil and when they find me, I’ll have to go with them.” Eloquence had never been my strong point especially when emotion was driving the bus.
Eli patted my hand and leaned forward, “My girl. I believe what our legends tell us.” He leaned back in the chair, “There is a story of Atka, the guardian soul who watched over the spirit world. One day, Atka couldn’t find his lover, his partner, Yuralria and he searched for her until he came across Tekkeitsertok who stood guard over the passage of souls. Tekkeitsertok was jealous of Atka.
“Atka asked Tekkeitsertok if he’d seen Yuralria. Tekkeitsertok wanted Yuralria for himself and told Atka she had gone to the earth through the passage. Desperate to get her back, Atka went after her, but once on earth he discovered he’d been tricked. Tekkeitsertok had closed the passage so Atka could never return.
“Trapped on earth, Atka turned dark. Not completely human, Atka bred his own kind to ensure souls would never pass from the spirit world to earth again. A vendetta for the pain Tekkeitsertok inflicted on Atka by losing Yuralria, his true love. The evil Atka bred had to come with a price. It is told that the heart of a Sentori is cold and unable to feel love. It’s said that Yuralria faithfully waited at the passage, but Atka never returned. ”
“I believe that story, but Brett was a Sentori and he told me that he loved me.” I said wiping a tear from my cheek. I thought back to how Brett had declared his true feelings for me on the beach in Ferndale. The tortured look on his face after he’d kissed me solidified his sincerity.
“Maybe love is stronger than their evil,” Eli said.
I nodded in agreement.
“Alexandra, Neko has told me everything that happened. It must have taken an incredible amount of strength to close the passage. You are so brave.”
“It was my destiny. It was what I was born into this life to do. I’m not brave, Eli.”
He frowned at the coldness in my tone and slowly shook his head.
“Your soul lived on because of the love you died with and because, as the protector, you were not able to fulfill your destiny. Now that the passage is safe, Ren needs you. You know that. We both know that. You have seen it, but you have to allow yourself to feel it.”
I wanted to get up and leave. I hung my head to hide the tears that spilled from my eyes.
“His future is uncertain. There is a great goodness in him, but I see conflict in him, too. He needs you now more than he ever will. It was never his intent to betray you. It was the order in which your past needed to be revealed to you. When he came to me once he’d found you - the visions that were revealed to me were like nothing I’d ever seen. The protector had finally been found. I told Ren that he needed to be very careful with your memory. Do not mistake his love for you. It is steadfast and strong. Nothing can break the bond. Your journey did not end with the closing of the passage. Ren will need you when the forces pulling at him collide.”
Shame washed over me. I was devastated that day at the estate, but going on without Ren would kill me. My heart would never fully recover.
“You’re right. It’s been there for months, but I wasn’t seeing it because I was so focused on the passage. I’ve felt it, the pull and the dreams. How could I have missed it? I’d convinced myself that it was dangerous for him to be with me, but that’s not true. Is it?”
“No, Alexandra. It’s not. He will need you more than anyone or anything.”
I was stupid to think there was ever any deal. Of course I wasn’t thinking clearly when I told Brett that I’d give myself over to the Sentori in trade for them to leave Ren to live a safe, happy life. The Sentori wanted us dead, period. Had I been paying closer attention to the vivid images in my dream, I should have realized it.
“The dreams are so disturbing, Eli,” I continued, “It’s clear in the dream that the Sentori want Ren. Why?” I stopped there. Not telling Eli the part of the dream where I was faced with having to choose my life for Ren’s might have been a mistake, but I couldn’t bring myself to say the words.
Eli smiled and stroked my hair. “Our world is mysterious. Stay true to your heart and what is in your dreams. That is the only way you will know what is true.”
I believed Eli, but I didn’t have a clue what to do next. I’d made a mess of everything, believing that breaking Ren’s heart would keep him from following me. I couldn’t think clearly. Eli had said that I should follow my heart and that was my only hope of fixing any of this. I wanted to fix it, desperately. As Neko, Adine and Ray played cards, Eli and I sat by the fireplace in silence.
“I have to go,” I whispered. Eli watched as I stood. I took his withered hand in mine. “Thank you.” I managed a smile. Eli responded with a nod.
Making my way toward the door, I thanked Ray for the nice dinner. Neko and Adine looked at each other.
“I’m gonna finish the game,” Adine said as she splayed the cards in her hand.
“Okay.”
I quietly closed the door behind me. The icy air immediately bit at my face. I’d have to walk quickly back to Adine’s house, if not run. I’d started out on the dark trail when I heard Neko call my name.
“Wait up, Lex. I’ll walk you back,” he said, jogging to my side. I felt a surge of guilt and irritation. I didn’t want anything from him; he’d already saved my life back in Greenland. I knew he didn’t really want to be out there with me. He didn’t like the way I’d run out on Ren in England, and I was sure he knew what had happened at the airport in Greenland. So, I was fully aware that I wasn’t Neko’s favorite person. Ray and Adine probably made him come out. I turned and kept walking.
“You don’t need to, Neko. I can walk myself.”
He grabbed onto my arm, surprising me. I tensed at his tight grasp. A strange standoff ensued as we stared at each other.
“I know you can take care of yourself. We all know. But I gave my word to my friend that I’d watch over you,” he spat out. We glared at each other. I took a deep breath and yanked my arm away as I turned to continue down the narrow trail.
“You should go back to Adine,” I said over my shoulder. Then frustration flared up and I couldn’t help myself. I stopped and turned back to him. “She needs you. She’s all alone and probably still mourning the death of her parents, and you’re the one person that she has left.”
I knew it was none of my business, but I was tired of talking about myself. I thought Neko was an idiot for not seeing how much Adine needed him. Neko turned away from me, not wanting to hear what I had to say. His jaw clenched in frustration.
“Adine is in love with you,” I burst out. “I can’t believe you don’t know that. You’re so blind to what’s right in front of you. If you can’t see that she needs you, then you don’t deserve her.” My speech was harsh and completely out of line.
Turning back to me, his dark eyes narrowed at me. “Well, I can say the same about you, can’t I? You shouldn’t be here. Ren’s whole world has been built around you and you’ve turned your back on him. How can you be such a selfish, cold bitch?”
I wasn’t expecting him to attack me like that. I impulsively slapped him so hard that my hand stung. No one had ever spoken to me like that. I felt like I’d been stabbed in the stomach. Turning and running away from him down the dirt path, I fought off the tears that filled my eyes. As much as I hated Neko for turning it back on me, he was right. He didn’t know my side of the story about why I’d left Ren in Greenland. I hadn’t told anyone before that night. But this had to end. The ache in my chest took my breath away and by the time I reached the cabin, I felt like I was going to collapse.
“Lex, wait,” Neko called to me. I hadn’t realized he was following me. I wiped tears away with my hand and turned to face him. “I’m sorry, Lex. I shouldn’t have said that.”
The side of his face had my red hand mark on it. “I’m sorry I slapped you. I know you don’t like me, Neko. I mean, I know you probably have a pretty low opinion of me.” I had to break our eye contact.
I was surprised when Neko reached out and held my chin in place to look at him. “That’s not true, Lexi. What you did in Greenland - that was incredible. You were so strong and brave. I think you’re pretty amazing. What went on at Lions Head, no one blames you for your reaction. They were all so worried about you. I’m so happy that I went to Samuel when I did. That was just luck. I’m so thankful I was there.” The warmth of his hand on my shoulder made me realize how cold the rest of my body was.
“Can we talk a little more inside?” I asked.
“I’d like that.”
Neko went to work getting the fireplace lit. I closed myself in the bathroom to wash my face, but I avoided the mirror. Once I felt calmer, I put the kettle on for tea. Neko and I sat in front of the fire, balancing the warm cups in our hands.
“I wouldn’t have made it without you. You know that, don’t you?” I asked Neko. “Who knows what Brett would have done, you know?”
“I believe Brett would have done exactly what he did. He was protecting you. I know it wasn’t obvious to you, but it was to me. Whatever he was supposed to get out of the passage, you were his only concern,” Neko confessed.
In that purified moment we both saw the flaw as if the universe was trying to prove that there was no end to the perverseness of the heart. Human or not, Brett had told me he loved me. A contradiction to the story Eli had told me. Senseless currents of doubt rushed through my mind contradicting the lucidity. That was just it. What was Brett supposed to get from the passage?
Me.
He was there to make sure I made it out alive. If it was for his own selfish reason or for the Sentori, I’d never know, but I chose to believe the latter.
“You’re right.” I shook my head in disbelief, “He was supposed to deliver me back to the Sentori.”
I could see the tension in his jaw. “Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked.
“I didn’t think I was going to make it out alive.” I avoided his eyes and stared at the fire.
After a long silence he said. “I’m gonna head back. Can I get you anything?”
I shook my head. “No. No thanks, Neko. I just really want to go to sleep.”
As exhausted as I was, I knew sleep wouldn’t come easily. Everything that Eli had told me was going to have my mind reeling as soon as I hit the pillow.
Neko walked his cup into the kitchen and then went for the door.
“Are we good, Lex?” he asked, trying to smile.
“Yeah. We’re good.” I wrapped my arms around his slender body and he returned the hug. Neither of us lingered in our embrace. Not out of revolt or adoration, but the understanding of the dichotomy. Our brief hug landed us somewhere in the middle. I believe Neko knew before I did that I’d made up my mind to go home.
“Neko. What will he do?” I asked before he closed the door.
He stared at me for a moment in the doorway. “He’ll choose you, Lex. He’ll always choose you.”
I flopped into my bed clothes and pulled the covers up to my chin to keep the warmth in. My mind was clear, but my emotions were still flooded with self-pity. What I did know, what I was sure of – was that I was hopelessly in love with Ren.
My fear was that I was in love with the idea that Ren was his brother, John. But the longer I laid there and ran it through my mind; I knew that it wasn’t true. I loved him. Ren.Terrible LiesS.G. Holster
October 7, 2013
I promise I'm not ignoring y'all
I'm writing.
I'm always so grateful for my incredibly wonderful, inspiring, supportive and funny readers. You guys are awesome! Thanks for all of the <3
xoxo-
I'm always so grateful for my incredibly wonderful, inspiring, supportive and funny readers. You guys are awesome! Thanks for all of the <3
xoxo-
September 5, 2013
Terrible Lies...
I'm doing a happy dance right now because I just got a look at the cover for Terrible Lies!!!!!
I can't wait to share it with everyone later this month.
xo-
S.G. Holster
I can't wait to share it with everyone later this month.
xo-
S.G. Holster
July 1, 2013
Giveaway winner...
Congratulations to Allie McIlmoyl!! You've won a signed paperback of Thirty Seconds To Die. :)
June 12, 2013
In celebration of my author page reaching 4,000...
Celebrating TSTD’s 4,000 likes I’m running a Photo Contest!!!! The winner will receive a signed paperback copy of Thirty Seconds To Die and a bookmark. Because Ren was the winner in the “who is your favorite character from TSTD” poll, post your inspiration picture of Ren here on my page. I’ll choose a winner on Friday, June 14. The winner will be contacted by DM on Facebook, and will have 48hrs to respond with a mailing address! .** For my international readers, please be aware that Thirty Seconds To Die is only available in English. Have fun!
June 7, 2013
May 31, 2013
Feeling Loved...
I’ve recently been receiving wonderful messages from readers who’ve enjoyed TSTD and have fallen in love with the characters – or one in particular. I’m touched beyond words at the love and support. Writing isn’t always the easiest thing in the world, but hearing such amazing stories from the readers makes all the late nights, junk food binges and tears worth it. Y’all are the best!!<3 xoxo
April 26, 2013
Music and Writing
My play list for Terrible Lies is almost as long as TSTD's. So, I was thinking of including a play list page in the back of the book. I know this is not a new concept.
What do you think of this? As a reader would you be interested in knowing what songs inspired a chapter or scene?
xo-
What do you think of this? As a reader would you be interested in knowing what songs inspired a chapter or scene?
xo-
April 19, 2013
“Life moves pretty fast. You don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”
Wise words from the legendary John Hughes.
I’ve been thinking about him this week. My girls watched Sixteen Candles the other night for the first time. Needless to say, they loved it.
Watching the movie with my children brought on nostalgia of growing up in the ’80’s and ‘90’s. Life does move pretty fast. His movies made us laugh, cry and contemplate the kind of people we wanted to be. In the words from The Breakfast Club “But what we found out is that each one of us is: a brain – and an athlete – and a basket case – a princess – and a criminal. I like to imagine I’m a little bit of all of those – except the criminal of course. This is a perfect example of how his writing inspired us. It was enduring while anchored with human emotion and empathy. Coming of age and all of the pot holes and elations that make up who I am today, I identified with his characters.
My youngest daughter kept asking through the movie “where are the sixteen candles?” I kept telling her to watch - you have to pay attention or you’ll miss it. As I write this, the metaphor falls in line with the title of this post.
I read that when he stepped away from making movies, Mr. Hughes took his own advice. He stopped to look around.
With the horrific events in Boston this week, I hope we all stop for a moment, look around, hug those closest to us and don’t forget to tell them that you love them.
xo-
I’ve been thinking about him this week. My girls watched Sixteen Candles the other night for the first time. Needless to say, they loved it.
Watching the movie with my children brought on nostalgia of growing up in the ’80’s and ‘90’s. Life does move pretty fast. His movies made us laugh, cry and contemplate the kind of people we wanted to be. In the words from The Breakfast Club “But what we found out is that each one of us is: a brain – and an athlete – and a basket case – a princess – and a criminal. I like to imagine I’m a little bit of all of those – except the criminal of course. This is a perfect example of how his writing inspired us. It was enduring while anchored with human emotion and empathy. Coming of age and all of the pot holes and elations that make up who I am today, I identified with his characters.
My youngest daughter kept asking through the movie “where are the sixteen candles?” I kept telling her to watch - you have to pay attention or you’ll miss it. As I write this, the metaphor falls in line with the title of this post.
I read that when he stepped away from making movies, Mr. Hughes took his own advice. He stopped to look around.
With the horrific events in Boston this week, I hope we all stop for a moment, look around, hug those closest to us and don’t forget to tell them that you love them.
xo-
