Brenda Corey Dunne's Blog, page 5

Thoughts on a New Year... And an Announcement!

Another Christmas (or holiday, if it's your preference) season has come and gone.
Ski season is here!
Enjoying the view from Mount Washington.It was a bit of a wacky one in the Dunne household, what with my day job, hubby's work, kids performances, parties and the like, but it was so good to at least have a few hours to sit on my tushie and think. A few quiet moments in the insanity to reflect on the ups and downs of 2015, and make some plans (or at least attempt to make plans...more on that later) for 2016.
So. 2015. Was it a good year for you? It was for me. Looking back over my year, the word that comes to mind is BUSY.  I finished a manuscript. I got my power sailing license. I started a choir (and we sang for 23,000 people in November!) I worked, I wrote, I sailed, I sang, I skied, I sold a few books and I spent a whole lot of time moving forward. It was a great year, all in all. But, wow. I hardly stopped.
After a year like that, you can see why sitting on my tushie for a few hours was a good thing. I was ready for a break. Ready to sit and reflect and make plans (and eat...there was lots of eating...).
As I look ahead at 2016, it's difficult to make any real plan for one reason--it's a posting year for us. That's right, once again the Dunne clan will be packing up shop and moving forward, to some yet-unknown destination. In all likelihood we have another cross-continental move ahead of us. It makes me cringe a teeny tiny bit inside, thinking of another summer of boxes and fast-food meals, but it's also exciting. We have a pretty good idea where we will end up...but I can't share it with you until we have that marvellous piece of paper in hand that tells us for sure. Let's just say it will be a big change for us, but one that will be amazing in many ways. :)
But a new home is not the only thing that will be happening for me this year. I have a surprise for you all! Something pretty darn exciting. Something I've been considering, thinking on, mulling over and pulling my hair out about. But finally I've come up with a plan, and today you get to hear it!
So...
In late May, 2016, I will be publishing a NEW BOOK! 
Time to charge up the presses!Yes! After much thought, and lots of soul-searching, I've decided to warm up the Fortunate Frog Fiction printing presses, and self-publish (yes, SELF publish) my third novel. It's a new story (sorry, TREASURE fans...still working on my sequel, but more on that another time), which I've hinted at before, a modern-day YA fantasy set on the beautiful shores of Prince Edward Island. I can't wait to share more about it in the next few weeks! 
It's called SKIN. 
So there you go. 2016 is going to be a GREAT YEAR. It's so good to be back at the self-pub table, getting ready to move forward. January and February will involve some work with graphic designers and editors, some final edits and I hope to have a cover reveal by the end of February. 
I'll leave you with this photo...a scene for warmer days, and wondrous possibilities...one you might just see in SKIN... The beautiful dunes of Prince Edward Island.
Stay tuned!
Brenda

A Day Off

It’s Monday. My schedule is flexible—changing every week—but for this week, Monday means a day off.
“Lucky you,” you say. “I never get a day off!”
Well, believe me, you have my sympathy and utmost respect. I applaud any parent who can manage to keep their house from self-destructing whilst working full time. I don’t know how you do it. Seriously, I don’t.
As for me, I work part-time so that I can manage the day-to-day life of a military family with teens (hubby is away…frequently), but really, my days off are supposed to be writing days. 
With two published books and numerous manuscripts in various stages of completion, I still cringe inside when I call myself a writer, but in reality being a writer is a job. A career. Some extremely fortunate people get to write full time. I am not one of those fortunate people (YET) so for now, my days off are technically working days, just with a different career path. Days off are days supposed to be spent in my favourite writing spot, hammering away at the keyboard while building worlds and creating magic. Days off are creative days, quiet days, productive days while the kids are at school, hubby is at work and my mind has a few blissful hours to focus on the screen in front of me.
Ha ha ha ha.  HA! HA!
Lets just take a look at how today started out...
Yell at kids to get their butts in the car. Frantically make coffee because I NEED CAFFEINE. Dishwasher full of clean dishes, countertop full of dirty dishes. Scrounge to find a cup. Pour coffee. Discover there is no milk to put in coffee. Yell at kids to get in car.  Skip breakfast—no milk for cereal. Too late for toast.
Take milk-less coffee with me. Drop kids at schools. Go to grocery store to get milk. Spend an hour in grocery store because I need a meal plan to get me through a crazy week. Buy a gazillion dollars worth of food. Light goes on in car—need gas. Stop to get gas. Drive home. Start putting groceries away, fridge is too full of last weeks leftovers. Empty fridge of science experiments to make room. Garbage is full. Empty garbage and put in new bag. Pantry is full of empty boxes, dismantle boxes and put in recycling, but recycling is overflowing so empty that. Put away rest of groceries.
Realize my coffee is cold. Make new coffee and leave sitting on counter. Try to find a recipe for chicken-creamy-something-put-it-all-in-a-crock-pot-and-leave-it so I can at least get an hour or two of writing done before kids need to be picked up. Give up on recipe books and find something on pinterest in ten seconds. Chop and dump and put nutritious food in crock-pot.  No space, so empty dishwasher and refill it first. Finish crock-pot meal prep. Realize coffee is cold. Nuke it in the microwave.
Remember that kid needs gym clothes washed. Reset laundry that I washed yesterday because it’s been sitting there overnight and has a bit of a smell (I have a thing with smelly laundry...). Trip over cat. Feed cat. Realize dog is outside in the rain. Let dog in and dry his muddy, disgusting paws.

Remember coffee is still in the microwave, cold. Nuke it again.
Sit down for two seconds to take a breath and realize I don’t have coffee. Go to get coffee. Look at the clock and realize it’s now noon and I haven’t had breakfast. Grab a banana. Sit down. Hear the washer finish it’s cycle, go switch it over, but the dryer is full so empty that and fold clothes. Put gym clothes in washer.
Remember coffee is still in microwave. Nuke it again.
Sound familiar? I’m sure you’ve all had similar days. Big, empty days off that suddenly evaporate and it’s fifteen minutes before you have to go again. How does it happen? Some days that coffee is never warm enough to drink it, and I’m lucky if I write a hundred coherent words—today being one of them.
The good news is, I’ve finally managed to sit down with my laptop and I’ve got two hours left to write. The dog is dry. The crock-pot is cooking. The laundry is doing it’s thing, the counter is clean, the groceries are put away, the recycling is out, the fridge is full and I’ve turned on some peaceful music to write by.
And guess what?  My coffee is beside me.
Cold.

Brenda

The Art of Just Sitting

Attwood Bay, BC

Life is busy.

Life with three teens, two careers, and a husband in the RCAF sometimes borders on the insane. I love my life, though, and all of the amazing opportunities it presents. I love that I get to meet so many interesting people. I love that at my day job I can comfort the elderly in their final stages of life. I love the unique experiences that come from being the mom of three active kidlets and the wife of a serving member of the Canadian Armed Forces. And I love that we've seen so much of the world because of the fact that my hubby serves.

But sometimes--like now, for instance--I need to just sit.

Okay, maybe I'm not just sitting. I'm writing. But, For me, writing's like reading. It's an escape. I'm one of those extroverted introverts, and my batteries require a few minutes of calm and peaceful now and then to recharge themselves. A coffee, a comfy chair, some quiet music, a book or a laptop, and--my special treat--a warmed hot pack on my back. Oh, yeah. Bliss with a capital B. Heaven.

I need that time to rest my brain. Free time is so rare these days that when it happens it's almost a shock.  Wow! Is that really an hour in my schedule where I don't have to drive, work, organize or clean? I don't have groceries to buy, or checks to write, or meetings to attend, or laundry to do or kids to pick up or phone calls to make or forms to fill out or prescriptions to pick up or appointments to make...

Today, I have a day off. Imagine! What a strange concept.

Daddy-daughter momentThe problem is, in today's society our brains and bodies get so programmed to go a thousand miles a minute that it's hard to do nothing. It's hard to put the smart phone down (are they really that smart?), forget about the to-do list (oh yeah, we need bread...Must. Write. That. Down.) and be comfortable with simply existing. We may understand that the world will not cease because we are stepping away from it, but it's darned difficult to let ourselves pull back. We have to force ourselves to just sit.

So here's a scenario. Five days on a thirty-five foot sailboat. In a place so isolated it's called
Desolation Sound.

If you follow my Facebook page, you'll have seen some of the pictures. It took months of planning, hours and hours of preparation, and a big, circled no-you-may-not-book-anything-here slot on the calendar, but the Dunne Family were able to sail away to a place where there was no cell phone service. No wireless internet, and sometimes the mountains were so tall around us that they blocked our GPS.

Three teens, three books...When you are that far from civilization on a tiny boat with four other people, just sitting is not just a necessity, it's an art.

We read a lot of books. In the five days, my eldest daughter read six. We played cards. We scanned the water for sea creatures (we saw porpoises, seals, thousands of jellyfish and even a pod of orcas), and the shore for bears (sadly, didn't see any). We snacked and fished and slept and sailed and at times we just sat.

It was awesome.

And when we came back, even though our bodies were tired and our laundry bins were full, our brains were rested...and our familial batteries were recharged for the insanity of the fall.

It's been two weeks since we returned from our holiday, and there's been barely a moment to think since, so days like today--with empty day planners and kids at school--are a treat to be savoured. Precious time to reflect on a summer well-spent, and maybe to read a little, write a little and just sit. I don't think you can ever perfect the art of just sitting...but I perhaps today I'll give it a shot.

And now to re-heat that hot pack...


Brenda

Strange humans...what are your rushing for? 

One year of Dependent: Seven Lessons Learned

WIN a signed copy by
commenting below!It's DEPENDENT's anniversary! Exactly one year ago today, I was holding my breath as DEPENDENT went out into the big, big world to find it's fate.

Wow, have I learned a lot.

I've learned about the publishing process, I've learned about book launches, I've learned about reader reviews and royalties and radio interviews. I've learned about publicity and pitching. I've learned about myself as an author, as a military spouse, and as a female in the military community.

Has it been an easy year? No.

Has it been a good year? Definitely.

I get a lot of questions that start with 'how', when talking to new authors. How do I finish? How do I find an agent? How do I get my work published? I'll admit, it's not an easy world to work in. So for those wonderful people who have come to me with their questions, who've asked for advice, and who've given me good, honest criticism, I thought today I'd share with you a few of my lessons learned. I don't think I'll ever consider myself an expert. But I've got more experience than some...so here goes.

Lesson #1:  The publishing world is unpredictable. 
Cross country moves don't
generally mix well with
book launches...
I wish I could find a crystal ball to tell me how a book idea is going to fare. What topic is going to work and what is not. How many people are going to show up at a book signing. Who is going to want my book. What a contract is going to look like.

But there is no crystal ball. I can't tell anyone what will work, because what is cool today may not be cool when you finish your final draft. The odds of writing a book that turns into a phenomenon are pretty slim.

Write what you love to write.

Lesson #2: A book launch is for you, your friends, and your family.


Launching
TREASURE IN THE FLAME
 in 2012Unless you've got the support of a huge publicity team and gazillions of dollars, plan your book launch so that your friends can come. DEPENDENT was launched in a big city, in a huge store...just after my family and I moved across the continent in an epic military move. We had to pick a launch date long before the military plans solidified, and it just worked out that it was after the move took place. As it was my second launch (TREASURE IN THE FLAME launched in 2012), I thought I'd roll with things and see how it turned out.

Although DEPENDENT's launch was a success, it could have been so much more. I really, truly missed the support of my close friends and family. I hope to plan my next launch (when it happens) either later on in our next military post (when we've made some friends), or closer to my home base.

It's so much easier to publicize something when you have the advantage of local word-of-mouth. And your success is the success of those you love. Plan your launch so they can be there.

Lesson #3: Publicity is so important.

If people don't know about the book, they won't buy it. I've been very, very fortunate to have a great team, but I couldn't have had the success I've had without my #1 PR GUY...my hubby. He's had my back since day one, which was INCREDIBLY important with this book. If you've read DEPENDENT you know why.

Lesson #4: Always be prepared to do a radio interview.

One of the disadvantages to having a switched-on #1 PR GUY is the random radio interview...the one that happens while your driving, unprepared, home from the grocery store. Thank heavens for wide shoulders on Ontario back roads--lots of room to pull off and try to collect your thoughts. And thank heavens they can't see what you're wearing on radio.

Yeah. That happened.

Lesson #5: Not everyone will love you.

This one I was prepared for. I knew that DEPENDENT would not be the book for everyone. And I was right. But writing a book that people feel strongly about--either positively or negatively--is a good thing.

Lesson #6: Don't engage the trolls.

Engaging with haters never ends well. Thankfully I knew this before I started. Sure, I love a good debate, but I'll let the people who read my work stick up for me. Trolls generally are looking to stir the pot, whatever the cost. And the more you engage with them, the more vindictive they get. Don't even justify them with a response. At all. I talked about it a little bit in 15 Seconds, this past May.

Lesson #7: Don't ever, EVER give up.

The writing world is FULL of disappointment. Rejection is part of the package. Agents, editors, readers...there are lots of 'NO's' in this career. And there are many, many moments over the past few years where I've considered dropping it all.

But I won't.

I have three really cool manuscripts finished and ready to go. I've got a couple more on the way. And I'm most certainly not done with this adventure.


Thanks for sharing the journey with me.

Brenda

Want to read more? Walk down memory lane?

Check out Posting Phase Eight to remember the insanity around DEPENDENT's launch.

Or try Launch Week Recap to hear about my first launch!

****WIN A SIGNED COPY!****

Comment below and I'll enter your name into a draw for a signed copy of DEPENDENT, A NOVEL! Draw will take place Wednesday August 5th!

Take Each Day

I've been trying REALLY hard to work on a manuscript that's been languishing on my laptop.

Really. Hard.

I want to finish this manuscript so I can get it off to you wonderful readers. But for some reason it's just not flowing out of me. Not that I've got the dreaded writer's block--I'm still picking away at it, but I'm not writing the 2000+ words a day that I'd hoped for.

Just needs a hot coffee and a good bookI pull it up faithfully in the morning, write a paragraph, feel all keen and motivated and READY TO ROCK... and then I open up a social media site. Big mistake. Or a kid gets up and asks for a drive to something. Or I need to go to work. Or the flowers need to be watered (by hand and sparingly...we're on water restrictions), or the laundry needs to be done or I need to make coffee or buy groceries or look at this lovely garden idea on Pinterest or let the dog out or read this book or watch this Netflix show (Why, oh why did I let my daughter convince me to watch my first ever episode of Glee???), or go for a walk or pick up that kid I dropped off or check out a house for our potential new posting...

Yeah.

You get the idea.

The manuscript is still languishing.

But, I refuse to let myself fall into the pit of despair for being such a failure with this manuscript. Why?

Because it's summer. Sweet, sweet, summer. Because my kids have jobs or are putting out their very first resumes to get a job, and I want to support that initiative. My flowers are beautiful. I've created this lovely little floral patio and it makes me HAPPY. So does coffee. I've watched far more Glee than I care to admit, but I've spent hours snuggling with my teenaged girls and singing show tunes while doing so. I've read many books, and in my chosen second career we can call that research. And yes, I even managed to not completely destroy my son's million dollar car while zooming around some fictional town on Grand Theft Auto (well, I might of scratched it a bit, but he assures me that he has insurance. And I didn't kill anyone, so that's good...right?) He laughed, and I laughed, and it was a great moment.

Sometimes we get so caught up in the PUSH, that we forget to take each day as it's given to us. And with working two careers, raising three teens and helping to run a military household, that's often hard to do.

The good thing is that my manuscript is not going anywhere. I've got a couple with my lovely agents already, one of which is just going out on submission. Another story is brewing in my head. And where do I get my ideas for new stories?

By living, of course.

I'll write a few hundred words later...but now? I think there's some Glee calling my name.




Brenda.

Life on the Salish Sea

For those of you who may have missed it, about two years ago I wrote a young adult fiction manuscript about a silkie, a mythical creature who supposedly sheds her skin and drags her victims below the waves to the unknown. My story has a few twists on the classic mythology with Sam the mysterious teenage boy down the beach, but it still revolves around seals and the ocean. The manuscript, entitled SKIN, is with my wonderful agents at Literary Counsel, and I am working (slowly...) on a sequel.

You also may or may not know that last year we moved from central Canada to the Pacific Coast to Vancouver Island, right on the body of water known as the Salish Sea. On the very first day we arrived, we saw a harbour seal outside of our hotel. The next day we saw two. And now pretty much every time we go by the water, at least one little dark-eyed head pops up to say hello. They are so thoughtful and inquisitive, but still shy enough to give you just a look or two before they move on. They look kind of like golden retrievers, but with big, sharp claws. I love them, and I'm constantly reminded of SKIN when I see them.
A porpoise on our starboard beam 
Yesterday my family and I were sailing. Before we went out we saw a fat seal, who popped up on the wharf and hung out for a bit. We called him Dave. We took the boat, went out for a few hours, and were followed by porpoises and a few other seals. It was a wonderful day of fresh air and family time.

When we came back Dave appeared to have a very affectionate friend, whom we called Davette. We giggled a bit at how close they were. Dave (or Davette?) truly appeared to be climbing on top of the other's back. Yeah. My thoughts went there too.

The kids popped up to the car, and I ran back to the boat to do something just before we left. I heard a splash and looked around, and there was this little face checking me out, not two feet away.




I thought it was Davette, but on a second look, Davette was REALLY small. Then Davette flipped over and I saw something unexpected...an umbilical cord still attached! Davette was a Baby Davie! Just out! Brand new! Then momma popped up and Davie wanted to play and snuggle. This was all literally right at my feet.
Davie and mom
I even got some (very poor quality) video:

Of course there was no one around to share this amazing sight with...but my handy dandy iPhone had to suffice. 
Perhaps it's time to get back to that sequel? Hmmm...Could Sam have a little brother? 
So much to write about...so little time.
Brenda

Military Monday: You Know You Are a Military Spouse WHEN... (for June)

After this morning's Facebook post (which, by the way was entirely serious) I thought I'd sit down and write out a Dunne list of military spouse-isms for the end of June. Feel free to add yours in the comments!


You know you are a military spouse when...
1. You see a moving truck pull into your subdivision and you have a minor panic attack.

Are we posted? Did I forget to put it on the calendar? But I just finished unpacking! Is someone I know moving? NO! They can't leave! I like them!

You get the picture.

2. You start packing for your next move and realize you have ten boxes you still haven't unpacked from the last move.

OH! That's where that pair of shoes went! I've been looking for them for three years! And...oops. I don't think that ham sandwich was intended to be packed in the foyer closet box...eeeewww.

3. You're filling out the criminal record check forms so you can coach your 4 y.o. son's soccer team, and you have to look up postal codes for three places to put in the 'List addresses for the past 5 years' section.

Not lying. I had to do that two weeks ago for a different summer activity.

4. You decide to file your kid's report cards properly (for a change) and realize last year's report card is still in a box. Somewhere.

Remember those ten boxes? My advice is to start looking in the bottom one.

5. You give up trying to find last year's (insert summer item here) and just buy a new one. 

It probably was broken/wouldn't fit, anyway.

6. You start looking at real estate websites in random locations, because you know you're likely posted next year. 

I am addicted to the multi-listing service (MLS). Just the whisper of potential postings sends me in a frenzy of home shopping. This year is no exception. And no, we aren't moving...yet.

7. You could wallpaper your house with rainbows of those little moving company stickers. 

Yep. Been there.

8. You know what FIGMO* stands for.

I--not lying--explained this acronym to one of my civilian co-workers this past week. She'd never heard of it. I enlightened her and she totally agreed she was FIGMO. :)

9. You are FIGMO.

Even if you didn't work during this post. You get that June feeling. You know, the THANK GOD SCHOOL IS FINISHED FOR A FEW MONTHS, feeling. Or maybe you're glad to be leaving your job too...and going along with your spouse. There's something so freeing about moving to a totally new place with a new job and new potential friends.


10. June is a happy-sad-stressful month.

See number 1. Who is leaving? Who is moving in? Where are you going? Where is your spouse heading on exercise? How are you going to deal with kids leaving their friends?

Looking ahead to moving and having friends move is emotionally draining. Actually June is draining.

Take heart. August is only a few months away.


Brenda


*FIGMO= F*@# It, Got My Orders.

Dear Teacher Who Just Gave My Kid A Chance

Dear Teacher, Coach, Instructor, Leader, Responsible Adult,

You don't know me--not yet, anyway--but you just met my daughter. You know, the one with the freckles? The new kid that just moved in from God-knows-where, and came into your wonderful, well established class/team/group/lesson,  the class you've been teaching since these kids were teeny-weeny and didn't want to leave their moms. You've spent forever getting these no-longer-little humans to work together as a group. You've watched them find their passions. You rejoiced when they became friends. You've encouraged them as they fought and found their way. And last year, you jumped for joy when they triumphed and came FIRST PLACE at that big, big BIG competition. Their success was the result of years and years of your hard work.

But today, my kid came into the room, and you didn't have a clue what to do with her.

She walked in...a stranger, an unknown, an alien. The other kids stared. Who in the heck was this girl? Waltzing in, to disturb their perfectly-balanced microcosm of society?

You knew nothing about my kid's abilities, and you were worried that this unknown would turn your award-winning team into a disaster. You wondered if I was being truthful about my kid's background and training. You've had kids like her before...and they didn't last.

You, dear teacher, could have chosen one of two roads.

You could have taken the easy road--treated my teen like a stranger, doubted her abilities, erred on the side of safety. Your gut was probably telling you this. Parents tend to exaggerate, don't they? Unknowns rarely prove worthy of recognition. And God-knows-where likely had horrible teachers-- fakes masquerading as professionals. You could have completely discounted my kid, and you would have been justified in your own mind.

You knew nothing about my amazing daughter...and you could have made a difficult situation much, much worse.

But you did not take this road.

You wonderful, wonderful person. You dear, sweet, patient human being.

You didn't walk down that path at all. There were so many ways you could have hurt my girl, so many simple, minuscule things you could have done to make her already difficult life a nightmare...but you didn't.

Instead, you watched. Not too closely--not so intensely that she felt singled out. You watched just enough to see and understand what she was made of.

You understood that she would be behind in some things, but you also realized that she would be far ahead in others. You were patient when she didn't follow your way of teaching. And when she caught on, you praised her, but didn't dwell. You gave her time to assimilate new methods, and you challenged her on the things she knew. You placed her with others, and encouraged the tiny spark of friendship.

You asked questions...and you believed the answers.

The next class you challenged her a bit more. You put her closer to the spotlight, but you didn't push.

You watched and waited.

You believed in her. You wanted her to succeed. You knew that her many experiences had given her a wide, full background to pull from. You celebrated her differences.

And before you knew it...she became part of the team. Sure, it was a tentative link, a delicate and tender and thin tendril that tied her to this tight-knit group with a BIG history, but you supported that thread. You helped her to weave herself in, and then you let her go.

Dear teacher who just gave my kid a chance, you couldn't have known that she's done this not once, not twice, but six times in her short life. You couldn't have known that being the new kid every other year is beyond hard. It's scary and demeaning and physically and emotionally painful. Your watching and waiting and supporting were vital in not just your class, but in her very existence.

It may have seemed second nature to you, but believe me, it's not like that for some teachers. There are those that are quick to discount, quick to shut out, quick to discriminate. Those that would stomp all over her confidence to make a point.

You did none of these things. Nope. Not you. You gave my kid a chance. And in giving my kid a chance you proved to her that she is worth the effort. You showed her that God-knows-where is a good place to be from. And you strengthened the foundation she'll build on in the next place.

Dear teacher who just gave my kid a chance, you are a true hero.

Thank you, from the bottom of this proud mom's heart.

Throwback Thursday: Chin High and Pushing Through.

The following is cut and pasted from my older blog (This Mom is Overdunne), originally posted five years ago in July of 2010. At the time my hubby was deployed, and I was feeling...well...hard done by. A lot has happened since then,(two moves, many more challenges and successes...) and we've weathered the storms to get to where we are now. 

I have many friends who are in the various stages of deployment, and I wish them all the best as they hold their chins high and push through the difficult days. 

I hope they know that they are loved. 

I hope they know that it will pass. 

And I hope they know how very, very important they are.


Originally posted HERE on July 18, 2010:

Quarrels, Quinte Cups, Conversation Killers (and Queries)

It's been a month and a half that I've been parenting on my own, thanks to the Canadian Armed Forces. The kids and I have gotten into a routine. We've pulled one of the chairs away from the table, so it doesn't seem so empty without dad (pictured, left) there. I work my shortened work week, I taxi the kids to their activities, and I try (unsuccessfully) to keep the house from looking like a complete pig stye. I feed them at least one vegetable a day. We eat out more than once a week. Pretty normal, actually.

According to my handy-dandy Family Deployment Handbook (FDH), I'm right on schedule. I'm in the 'Recovery and Stabilization Phase'. Meaning...I'm not sick? And I'm not so unstable? That the old boat ain't so tipsy? True, the almost-in-labour anxiety has calmed down, and I spend less time sitting in the middle of the bathroom floor sobbing. But I still hate it. Just because I'm not running down our country road screaming obscenities and pulling my hair out doesn't mean I don't think about it. 

The FDH states that by week 6 I should be experiencing "Feelings of increased confidence, independence, competence, freedom, pride, isolation, anxiety and depression". How can you be confident and still be depressed? How can you feel competent and independent, yet have anxiety? Living in deployment-land is full of nasty contradictions. I'm moodier than a PMSing teen deprived of sleep and coffee. One thing's for sure...if Momma's grumpy, everyone's grumpy. I try to be patient. But patience has never been my forte. So the kids are less patient with each other...and then the fights start. I have adopted the 'Mom's having a time out' technique. Rather than blow up at them for blowing up at each other, I lock myself in my bedroom and count to 1000 (10 just doesn't cut it). It works...more or less. The kids go 'Huh?' and stop quarrelling. And I get a precious moment or two by myself.

It bugs me that the little FDH book is so accurate, though. I hate to be pegged.  But it's right. Independent? My husband (and parents, and siblings...)will tell you that he didn't have to go away for me to be independent. And now that he's gone, independence has hit full force. Whatever you do, DON'T suggest I can't do something. I'm like a kid with a dare. Two weekends ago the girls were at their first away horse show (One of the Quinte Cup Series)of the season. Two ponies, two girls, my son, saddles, bridles, helmets, show outfits, water, a sun shelter, chairs, food, diabetic supplies (for my youngest) and coffee, all had to be packed into boxes, trucks and trailers for a day long show in the heat. We got up at 4 a.m. to leave. And it went...okay. We got there, the girls showed, and we came home. I did it, with help from others, of course, but I did it. So there, ha ha. Independent me. 

And as to coversation killers... I read a post on Facebook this week that just about hit the nose on the head. I can't find it now (of course) and can't find the author, so forgive me if you wrote it. (And let me know if you did so I can give you credit) but it was along the lines of "14 things to NOT say to a spouse of a deployed soldier". I have great friends, and they generally know how it is with me. But I'd like to paraphrase a few of the points:

1. "I know how you feel." You don't. Heck, I don't even know how I feel most of the time. If your husband has NOT gone away for 6 months and flown in and out of Afghanistan at least once during that time, you don't know how I feel. If you haven't sat beside your diabetic daughter at 3 in the morning praying her sugars come down, you don't know how I feel. Just like I don't know how you're getting through whatever challenge you have in your life right now. My FDH tells me I feel isolated. Darn right. I'm alone in my experiences. I don't generally want to talk about it with anyone, because it kills the conversation dead. 

2. "It could be worse, he could be in..." Gee, thanks. Make me feel even worse than I already feel. Sure, he could be somewhere worse. I'm sure there are a million things that could make my current situation even more stressful. Do I want to think about them right now? NO.

3. "Well at least the kids are older (not babies)" Have you ever had a pre-pubescent daughter? Not fun. Tears at least twice a day. And my kids are old enough to understand where their dad is. They get it. It's on the news every day. Someone killed, someone bombed, funding cuts...I try to turn off the news, and thankfully hubby is not in Afghanistan all of the time, but they hear it. And they think about it. Babies don't. 

I could go on and on, but the negative vibes are making me grumpy, so I'd like to add a change of tone. I want to give you a few things I'd LIKE to hear. Music to the deployed spouse's ear, a balm for my tired soul. 

1. "Here's a gift certificate to the spa. I'll stay at your house and watch your kids." I don't have time to look after myself these days, what with summer (ie kids are home), work and taxiing. I'd love to have a moment alone. And if my kids are home, I have less to worry about than if you took them to...Wonderland or anywhere else far away and less safe. I can't relax if I think there's some danger. And with a diabetic daughter, keeping my diabetes-educated kids together, and keeping them at home means easy access to whatever food, medicine, or equipment she needs. If you offer something like this to a military spouse, though...make sure you follow through. There is nothing worse than looking at a gift certificate on the fridge for six months straight. And I can guarantee they won't ask you about it.

2. "Let me pick up the milk, pizza...(insert food item here)" I could really use help with lunch/supper now and then. I love to cook, but hate to decide WHAT to cook. We live 10 minutes away from even a corner store, so dinner = preplanning. The less I have to do, the better.

3. "You look great." "You're doing great." "You're a super mom." "You're husband is so lucky to have you." "Insert compliment here." What I'm doing is hard. My main cheerleader is gone. My kids complain. A little bit of heartfelt flattery goes a long way. 

And here's one for just me...

4. "I loved your query...please send me your full manuscript!" Sorry, had to say it. My biggest project for the week ahead is to FINALLY send off a couple of queries to agents in hope that one of them will support my book. A wholelotta anxiety over that one, I can tell you! I've spent over a year editing and coddling it since my last misguided attempts(yup, I did EVERYTHING wrong with those first queries). It's time to let go again, and see what happens. Query number one went out today. Wish me luck.

Brenda

Five Reasons Women SHOULD Consider a Career in the Military

There's been a lot of discussion in the Canadian media this past week about sexual misconduct in the military environment. Our Chief of Defence Staff, Gen Tom Lawson commissioned a review of our armed forces in 2014, and the findings were reported in a document released this week here.

It's a pretty harsh report, denoting the military environment as 'hostile' and 'sexualized'.

Funny, I never felt that way in my years of uniformed service. The possibility existed, yes, and there were moments where I felt uncomfortable. But never hostile, and no more so than I'd feel in many other male-dominated environments. Or that I'd felt working at my previous job at Tim Horton's Coffee Shop. Let's just say I had my butt pinched more than once as a waitress. And NEVER as a uniform wearing military woman.

Ask any woman who's walked into a previously men-only board room, or a football pitch, and they'd likely say they felt the same way. And as women continue to work their way up into a 'mans world' this will continue to happen.

Society needs to change, and the military is just one aspect of it.

But.

In spite of all of the issues, the armed forces are a GREAT place for women to work. Especially now. Why?

1. Equal pay for equal rank. Nowhere else are you so clearly eligible for the exact same pay for the same work, no matter what gender. If you are a three year corporal or a two year captain, you make the same pay for the same job. Pay is tightly controlled by a series of rules.

2. You get paid to keep fit. That's right. It's expected that you will exercise. It's part of your job. What other careers allow you time off of work to go to that kettle-bell class?

3. Maternity benefits. In Canada our military women get paid time off of up to a year for maternity benefits. Bonding time with baby is so important. And our armed forces allow women that time.

4. You get to learn to shoot. Or fix trucks. Or drive big machines. Or fly fast airplanes, or run hospitals or save lives. There are so many options. And you can finish your university education with no debt, a job waiting and a decent starting salary. One of my favourite things about completing my degree with the ROTP program was the fact that my books and equipment were also covered. No huge textbook bills to worry about. And I still use my degree that the military paid for. Win-win.

5. Opportunities for advancement. Yes, there are women generals, and colonels, and warrant officers. These opportunities are improving (especially now) and career progression is more and more regulated.


And the best part? This new report will only make things even better, as leadership continues to push for gender equality. For no-tolerance on sexual harassment in the workplace, and for safe, victim-centred reporting processes. Where else in the workforce can you find that?

Not at the coffee shop.


Brenda