April Aasheim's Blog, page 10

FREE Ebook Today (A humorous look at love and life after the carnival - Inspired by a True Story)

Excerpt from The Universe is a Very Big Place (Free to download 8/2-8/3)
1984   Lanie stepped outside of the motel room, a steaming mug of coffee cupped between her hands. She took a sip, letting the drink sit in her mouth for a moment before swallowing. It was decaf but it was still pretty damned good.Lanie inhaled deeply, breathing in the crisp, fall air. Autumn was the very best time of year to be a fortune teller. Even atheists and agnostics came around to have their cards read or their palms glanced over, come Halloween. Good thing, too. Her wig was fraying and she’d need a new one. Maybe something long and sleek this time. Something Cher."Morning, gorgeous," said Ernie, closing the door behind him. He was wearing jeans with holes in the knees and his knockoff Members Only jacket purchased at the Asian district in St. Paul. "Let’s get some pancakes before the girls wake up. I got something to show you."Lanie followed leisurely behind her husband as he hustled to the Motel diner: The Blue Moose Café."Where we going to anyway?" she said as Ernie opened the door for her. The restaurant inside looked very much like any other restaurant Lanie had seen during her years on the road. Red booths and speckled tables, waitresses in outdated hairstyles, and a jukebox near the entrance that serenaded its guests with Johnny Cash. A few of the roadies whose names Lanie couldn’t remember nodded at them as they made their way towards the rear of the place."Flagstaff, Arizona, baby." Ernie said as he scooted into the booth. "Home of the Chipotle tribe. The greatest Indian warriors in all the country. More scalping per square foot there than anywhere else in America."Lanie narrowed her eyes and leaned across the booth. "Let’s make a deal, Ernie. You save the shit for the customers and so will I." Ernie grinned and snapped his fingers at a nearby waitress."So what do you want to show me?" Lanie asked after ordering her hotcakes with extra syrup and bacon. Ernie raised his eyebrows but kept his mouth shut and Lanie was tempted to kick him under the booth. He never gave up his dramatics, even when they were alone. Finally, he reached into his coat pocket and produced a bloated, white tube sock that clattered and clanged when he threw it on the table."Ta da! Once again the World’s Most Virile Man has come through for the woman he loves. Check this out." Ernest picked up the end of the tube sock and dumped the contents. Ten cent pieces scattered across the booth, some rolling into Lanie’s lap."You’re pilfering from the dime toss, Ernest?" Lanie couldn’t believe it. Ernie could be called a lot of things, but she had never thought of him as a crook. A crock but not a crook."What? It’s not like I’m stealing from the church bowl. These people don’t care what happens to their dimes once they toss them into the plates. The only thing they care about is whether or not they win the giant teddy bear. Why do you have to be so negative?" Ernie scooped up the dimes with his right hand and pushed them into his lap. The waitress returned with their breakfasts and gave Lanie a look that said she knew she was going to be paid in change and it wasn’t making her happy. Lanie returned the look with a helpless shrug."But what about Don? He okay with this?" Don was the owner of the show and had already threatened to give Ernie a booth at the far end of the midway––the worst possible place to have a booth––if he didn’t cut out his crap. This was Ernest’s fourth booth in the last six months."Pfft. I keep the books. It all balances out." Ernie took a bite and considered. "They expect us to take a cut. We’re carnies, Lanie. That’s what we do."Lanie straightened up and looked at her husband. She was a gypsy. A witch. A prophetess. She was not a carnie. She finished her breakfast in silence and threw a five dollar bill on the table. "That will pay for mine," she said, rising with the dignity of a queen.She left her husband staring, and a few of the roadies gossiping.Lanie walked across the parking lot, weaving in and out of the parked trucks bearing the slogan "The Bob Cat Carnival Show." She waved hello to Maria, the Mexican woman in charge of one of the cotton candy stands who was pregnant with her seventh kid and couldn't find the daddies of the first six. Lanie took out her key and opened the door to room 133, the nicest room in the Blue Moose Motel.Spring and Chloe were propped up on their elbows, watching The Smurfs on their shared double bed. Lanie huffed, wishing they would take advantage of the free HBO. She worked hard to give them nice things and they never appreciated it. "Time to go," Lanie said, turning off the television. "Take a spitz bath and put on your clothes. We can drive through the McDonald's and pick up Egg McMuffins on the way out of town."Chloe jumped up and ran to her brown grocery store bag, digging for her favorite jeans. Spring quietly sat there, glaring accusingly at her mother. "But we just got here last night," she said. "I’m not going. I’m tired."Lanie resisted the urge to roar. She wasn't going to get into this with the girl again. Instead, she grabbed Spring by the elbow and pulled her up onto the floor. "You’d think you’d be excited to see all these new places. Most little girls don’t get to sleep in a different room every night. You two are the luckiest little girls in the entire Universe. Right, Chloe?" Chloe nodded and lay on the bed, wriggling into her jeans. She had been making the rounds through the concession stands lately and Lanie hoped she would not need new pants any time soon. "Now hurry up. We have to hit Flagstaff before the snow.""I hate the snow,” Spring mumbled. "When I grow up I’m living in a house where I sleep in the same bed every night and there is never, ever any snow."
"Be boring then,” Lanie said. “And see if I care."

99 Cents Through 7-22-14

Some secrets are darker than witchcraft.
The Witches of Dark Root. Just 99 cents today.
Read it for free with Kindle Unlimited.

Excerpt: The Witches of Dark Root

Excerpt from The Witches of Dark Root.

Sister House, Dark Root, OregonDecember, 1995

Maggie stood before her mother, knees shaking.Miss Sasha had her firm face on, the expression she wore when there was no debating the matter. Maggie looked to her sisters for help. Ruth Anne and Merry were already pleading her case, while Eve twirled the ends of her hair nervously. Maggie glowered at Eve. It was her fault she was in this mess in the first place.“Now, don’t you think I’d know if there was something haunting my own house?” Miss Sasha put her hands on her ample hips and the layers of excess flesh caused a mild wave that rippled from buttocks to breasts. “Are you saying I’m not that talented? Is that what you are saying?”“Leave da girl alone, Sasha,” Aunt Dora chimed in. “She’s jus’ a kid wit an active imagination. As I recall ya had an imagination like dat when ya was little.”Miss Sasha turned towards her younger sister and narrowed her eyes. “Now, now, Dora. I’m not in the mood.”“But there is something in there,” Maggie insisted, pointing to the nursery door. “Ask Eve.” Maggie nudged her younger sister but Eve just lowered her eyes and said nothing. She was probably more frightened of their mother than of anything that might live in her bedroom.“I'm getting this out of you once and for all,” Miss Sasha said, grabbing Maggie by the elbow. Maggie planted her heels into the carpet, trying to make herself immovable, but her mother outweighed her twice over. “You will stay in there until you’re not afraid anymore. When you can tell me, honestly, that there is nothing inside the room I will let you out.”“No, Mother!” Maggie’s eyes grew wide as Miss Sasha threw open the door.Ruth Anne and Merry begged their mother to stop while Eve cowered behind Aunt Dora.“It’s just a room...you’ll see. And you’ll thank me for it later.” Miss Sasha continued to drag Maggie into the nursery, past the crib, the toddler bed, and the old rocking chair. With one hand still on Maggie’s arm, she partially unscrewed the light bulb overhead, so that, except for the light coming in from the hall, the room was dark.Maggie could make out the shapes of the toys around her––dolls, teddy bears, and blocks. A clown doll on the top shelf seemed to smile at her, causing goose bumps to rise on her legs. Maggie dug her nails into her mother’s arm and begged her to reconsider.Miss Sasha shook her head. “It’s for your own good.”With that, she marched out of the room and locked the door from the outside.“What are you doing?” Maggie could hear Ruth Anne in the hall. “You’re crazy.”“Please, Mama, let her out,” Merry pleaded. “I’ll talk to Maggie. She won’t make up any more stories.”“I’m done discussing this. That child’s imagination needs to be reigned in.”Maggie stood in the dark room, listening as her family’s footsteps disappeared down the hall. She gasped as the temperature dropped, the cold air closing in around her.“Maggie,” Eve’s voice said from the other side of the door.Maggie rushed towards the door and lay down, peeking under the large gap. She was nose to nose with her sister. “Evie...please tell Mother I’m not lying. Please tell her about the voices you hear in the nursery. Or about how you wake up bruised sometimes.”“Mom says they are just nightmares,” Eve said. “If I tell her again, I will get in trouble.”Maggie was exasperated.She was here because she had been trying to convince her mother that Eve needed to be moved into the attic with the rest of them. There was something ‘bad’ in the nursery and it was getting worse since Maggie had moved out of the room. But under their mother’s inquisition, Eve wasn’t brave enough to back her up. And now Eve was free, while she was trapped.Without warning, the room began to vibrate. Maggie could feel her cheeks rumble against the bedroom floor. She widened her eyes as she pushed her hands down to make it stop. Instead, the trembling increased, sending small waves across the room.“Do you feel that?” Maggie whispered.“Uh-huh.”“Eve, unlock the door. Please. Please.” The entire room was shaking now, knocking toys onto the floor. Maggie could hear the crash of dolls and blocks around her and she covered her head with one hand to protect her face. “Unlock the door!”Eve stood and Maggie could hear the jiggle of the doorknob. “Hurry, Eve, hurry.”A book bounced off the wall above her, dropping down just inches from Maggie’s face. The jiggling on the handle continued, then suddenly stopped.“Did you unlock it?”Eve began to cry. “I can’t. I’m afraid...”Maggie’s heart stopped as her sister’s soft footsteps raced through the hallway, and down the staircase. The light in the hall suddenly went out, and except for a dim light coming in from the small, high window, Maggie was in the dark.

Excerpt: The Witches of Dark Root (just 99 cents)

Excerpt from The Witches of Dark Root. Just 99 cents through July 20.

Sister House, Dark Root, OregonDecember, 1995

Maggie stood before her mother, knees shaking.Miss Sasha had her firm face on, the expression she wore when there was no debating the matter. Maggie looked to her sisters for help. Ruth Anne and Merry were already pleading her case, while Eve twirled the ends of her hair nervously. Maggie glowered at Eve. It was her fault she was in this mess in the first place.“Now, don’t you think I’d know if there was something haunting my own house?” Miss Sasha put her hands on her ample hips and the layers of excess flesh caused a mild wave that rippled from buttocks to breasts. “Are you saying I’m not that talented? Is that what you are saying?”“Leave da girl alone, Sasha,” Aunt Dora chimed in. “She’s jus’ a kid wit an active imagination. As I recall ya had an imagination like dat when ya was little.”Miss Sasha turned towards her younger sister and narrowed her eyes. “Now, now, Dora. I’m not in the mood.”“But there is something in there,” Maggie insisted, pointing to the nursery door. “Ask Eve.” Maggie nudged her younger sister but Eve just lowered her eyes and said nothing. She was probably more frightened of their mother than of anything that might live in her bedroom.“I'm getting this out of you once and for all,” Miss Sasha said, grabbing Maggie by the elbow. Maggie planted her heels into the carpet, trying to make herself immovable, but her mother outweighed her twice over. “You will stay in there until you’re not afraid anymore. When you can tell me, honestly, that there is nothing inside the room I will let you out.”“No, Mother!” Maggie’s eyes grew wide as Miss Sasha threw open the door.Ruth Anne and Merry begged their mother to stop while Eve cowered behind Aunt Dora.“It’s just a room...you’ll see. And you’ll thank me for it later.” Miss Sasha continued to drag Maggie into the nursery, past the crib, the toddler bed, and the old rocking chair. With one hand still on Maggie’s arm, she partially unscrewed the light bulb overhead, so that, except for the light coming in from the hall, the room was dark.Maggie could make out the shapes of the toys around her––dolls, teddy bears, and blocks. A clown doll on the top shelf seemed to smile at her, causing goose bumps to rise on her legs. Maggie dug her nails into her mother’s arm and begged her to reconsider.Miss Sasha shook her head. “It’s for your own good.”With that, she marched out of the room and locked the door from the outside.“What are you doing?” Maggie could hear Ruth Anne in the hall. “You’re crazy.”“Please, Mama, let her out,” Merry pleaded. “I’ll talk to Maggie. She won’t make up any more stories.”“I’m done discussing this. That child’s imagination needs to be reigned in.”Maggie stood in the dark room, listening as her family’s footsteps disappeared down the hall. She gasped as the temperature dropped, the cold air closing in around her.“Maggie,” Eve’s voice said from the other side of the door.Maggie rushed towards the door and lay down, peeking under the large gap. She was nose to nose with her sister. “Evie...please tell Mother I’m not lying. Please tell her about the voices you hear in the nursery. Or about how you wake up bruised sometimes.”“Mom says they are just nightmares,” Eve said. “If I tell her again, I will get in trouble.”Maggie was exasperated.She was here because she had been trying to convince her mother that Eve needed to be moved into the attic with the rest of them. There was something ‘bad’ in the nursery and it was getting worse since Maggie had moved out of the room. But under their mother’s inquisition, Eve wasn’t brave enough to back her up. And now Eve was free, while she was trapped.Without warning, the room began to vibrate. Maggie could feel her cheeks rumble against the bedroom floor. She widened her eyes as she pushed her hands down to make it stop. Instead, the trembling increased, sending small waves across the room.“Do you feel that?” Maggie whispered.“Uh-huh.”“Eve, unlock the door. Please. Please.” The entire room was shaking now, knocking toys onto the floor. Maggie could hear the crash of dolls and blocks around her and she covered her head with one hand to protect her face. “Unlock the door!”Eve stood and Maggie could hear the jiggle of the doorknob. “Hurry, Eve, hurry.”A book bounced off the wall above her, dropping down just inches from Maggie’s face. The jiggling on the handle continued, then suddenly stopped.“Did you unlock it?”Eve began to cry. “I can’t. I’m afraid...”Maggie’s heart stopped as her sister’s soft footsteps raced through the hallway, and down the staircase. The light in the hall suddenly went out, and except for a dim light coming in from the small, high window, Maggie was in the dark.

Vegas Baby

I just got back from Vegas. It was a five day trip and my husband's idea to go in Mid July. I felt like a toaster strudel all weekend.
We did have fun though. Had an AMAZING time at a Irish Pub in the walkway between the Luxor and Mandalay Bay. We stopped in for a drink and had six. Luckily, the only concerns we had getting home were in trying to master the escalator. We also had fun in The House of Blues in MB. Great 90s band rocked the house all night.

It is with a heavy heart that I announce I lost 167 dollars in ones that I had made during our summer garage sale. It all went bye bye in the slot machines. At one point I was ahead 11 dollars and I felt on top of the world. But Vegas will rip your heart out. It will give you just enough to think about buying that wristband at an all-you-can-eat buffet before sending you back to the 3.5 star hotel room you are staying at with nothing but the cute shoes you are making your husband carry for you in between casinos.
By far the most interesting experience of the trip was ending up in an 'adults only' pool. We paid 50 bucks for my husband to get in and I was free. The pool opened at 11 and by 1 nearly half the women there had their tops off. I havnt seen that many red boobs out in public since the nursing sit-in at Target 5 years ago. Eventually, even my husband got bored and went back to reading his book. I never took my top off. I thought surely there must be equity in being different. Nope. It doesn't appear so. One of the least attractive women I have ever seen poured vodka down the crick of her behind and invited men to suck it out (granted she had a nice butt. There was huge speculation that she might be a man because women just don't have butts like that). There were celebrities in the pool that obliged, celebrities that play wholesome fathers on TV. This was enough to ruin TV for me forever and before I got rid of Comcast entirely I told my husband we had to go.
The best thing about the trip was finally being off my diet. I really don't know why I restricted my calories and did cardio every day for the last six weeks just to have strangers silently gauge my worth. But truth be told I'd do it again.
All things said it was a tame trip, which is a good thing for those I came into contact with.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas may be the motto, but that's only if you don't have a camera or run into a writer looking for a good story.

All I Need to Know I Learned from an Online Video Game

Gearing up mentally for EQNext and I realized how much of what I know as a human being is what I've learned from playing MMORPGs. Here are some of my favorite lessons:

1. It doesn't matter what your personality is like so long as you sort of resemble a naked, female elf.
2. Everyone needs to feel special.
3. Even the most exciting adventures can get boring if you do them all the time.
4. Making money creatively is fun!
5. Publically making someone feel like an idiot is the best revenge you can get.
6. Boobs are more powerful than the sword.
7. Everyone can find a way to become a hero.
8. Even if you are scaly and green and have horns sticking out of your head, if you are female someone will give you free stuff.
9. A castle is lonely if you live there alone.
10. If you keep at something, you will eventually accomplish your task.

The 24 Experience

I've been watching a lot of Netflix this summer and I finally went back and watched a few seasons of 24.

Here's a brief synopsis of the first three seasons, as told by Jack Bauer.




Season One: My name is Jack Bauer. I work for the Central Terrorist Unit (or something like that) and there is going to be an assassination attempt on one of the dudes running for Presidency. Some of the people at my job are kinda skeevy and may be in on it. I'm not sure who to trust. Oh, yeah, my wife and daughter have been targeted too for some reason too and have been kidnapped. I keep rescuing them like every hour and they keep getting back into trouble. Women. Go figure. Anyway, to make a long story short, this is the longest f'ing day of my life.




Season Two: Hey guys, its me again. Jack. Jack Bauer. It's been a while but I've been pretty bummed about my wife and stuff, so I left the CTU. She wasn't terribly bright but I still kinda miss her. Anyways, trouble seems to follow me and now, Ive got a nuclear bomb to deal with and some father- daughter issues to resolve. When I said that last day was the longest day of my life I misspoke. This is REALLY the longest day of my life. Its like 32 hours packed into one day. Seriously. A long day. Jack, signing off.




Season Three: Sooo...Jack here. And yeah, talk about your longest days. Those other two days I told you about was long, but when you are really talking about long days nothing tops a day filled with biological terrorism, heroine addiction, and more daddy-daughter issues. To top it off, I had to kill my ex-lover. She was kind of a bitch, you know? So really, when you are talking about long days, I think today was the absolute longest. It was like a long weekend rolled into one day. Never again!




Season Four +: More very long days

Give Me Fancy Feast or Give Me Back to the Shelter

As we speak my cat is lying atop his empty bowl, glaring at me from the other side of the room.

I know that he is glaring because his normal 'saucer eyes' have turned to slits.

Someone, *cough* has forgotten to refill his Fancy Feast container, and he is NOT happy.

I've always been a dog person, until last year when I got Boots. He was just a kitten then and so cute that when the neighbor girl came to my house and told me the story about how he had been abandoned in a closet of an apartment building and needed a home, I couldn't resist.

Cats were easy, I convinced my husband. And he went along with it until the night Boots slept in our room and mistook his toe for a shiny mouse. There were a flurry of curse words spouted off in the middle of the night and Boots was never allowed in our room after 11 PM again.

Aside from that and the scratching (oh, does the scratching ever end?) Boots has been a pretty chill addition to the family. He follows me around and watches what I'm doing, he steals my make up brushes, and he cuddles up to Shawn during Mad Men (On more than one occasion I've got my husband giving the cat kitty kisses when he didn't think I was looking). He's been a part of my family for a year now.

So why do I go to so much trouble to accommodate him?

It turns out Boots, the feline that was abandoned in the closet just one short year ago, is a snob.

I've gone through every type of cat food there is, and when he finds one he likes, that's the ONLY kind he will eat. If that type of food is not served at the same time, in the same way, I get a well-timed meow and a look that would melt metal.

All fine and good except SOMEONE, I think my mother, gave the cat Fancy Feast a few months ago. Now he's too good for Sheba and don't get me started on Whiskers. And Gravy Sensations? Not so sensational.

What's worse is that he seems to have a preference every day about which type of Fancy Feast he desires. Somedays its tuna, others its chicken, but it's always with the label Primavera or Faire.

"The cat eats better than I do," my husband complains as I toss him a plate of half-frozen tator tots. I inform my husband that he's welcome to join Boots in his cuisine. It would make it easier on cooking and shopping.

Anyways, so yesterday I find myself LITERALLY reading off the labels of cat food to the f'ing cat, waiting for a responsive meow.

"Grilled Chicken with Delectable Vegetables?"

No response.

"Choice Cut Salmon with Garden Greens?"

Still no response.

When I pull out the can marked Tuna Florentine he begins purring so loudly I think he's having a seizure.

I'm not sure if he understands, but I can't risk it. I open it and pour it into his bowl, hoping for that this day at least, I've made the right choice.

He weighs 14 pounds. I really shouldn't worry.

But it's the guilt. That F'ing guilt of those cat eyes across the room, reminding me that he was a closet kitty a year ago.

And now he's a foody.

"Don't judge me," I say, as he seems to sneer at the Big Mac I'm having for dinner. "If you had simpler tastes I could afford better food myself."

He blinks at me and sits beside his bowl, waiting for his next meal.

The Sleep Number Experience

My husband and I used our vacation money this year to buy a sleep number bed. Dual chamber. It's pretty great, actually, and a king size. We'd been huddled up in a queen-sized torture chamber for nearly five years now and it was time to make a change.

If you've never been inside a sleep number store its pretty fun. They put you on one of their beds and you play with the buttons, making yourself go up and down, kinda like a hospital bed but its more internal. You can actually feel your organs being sucked in. I'm thinking it might be a good way to lose some weight.

Anyway, the sleep number dude showed us a visual presentation on how out of whack our backs were! He even had green, yellow, and red energy circles to demonstrate (there's
a little theatre over your head as you are testing it out). Once you hit 'your ideal sleep number' all the red lines go away and its green sailing from there on out.

So we got it and I have to say I love it. We each have our own sleep number side. The middle area is a battle ground.

I'm not sure why but my body has recently rebelled against sleep. At least lying down. I wake up in more pain and more tired than when I went to sleep. Now with my handy dandy vacation-costy bed, the pain is at a minimum. So worth it!

There's a remote that controls your number. 100 is as firm as it gets. Then you can soften it all the way down to zero.

Made me wonder. Wouldn't it be awesome if they had a similar invention for wives to use on their husbands? On some nights, we'd crank him up to 100. On the nights we just want to watch Heart of Dixie and eat ice cream, deflate that sucker till he's an innie.

Oh, well, I can dream. For now I can at least operate my bed.

Launch Party Fun!

Come to my launch party tonight! 20 FREE books given away, including my new release The Magick of Dark Root.

https://www.facebook.com/events/784660798233297/?ref_dashboard_filter=upcoming