Mark Steel's Blog, page 5
December 28, 2012
Sleep Well Detroit Firefighters 12-28-12It see...
Sleep Well Detroit Firefighters 12-28-12
It seems as though my ol' buddy Art has been in the limelight a great deal as of late. Holiday soirees, grand openings and every kind of charity event that will allow Art and his mistress through the door invariably post a pic or two of my old boss and the little trollop somewhere. Brace yourself before you take a peek at the pic at the one below.
I'm guessing this one was
taken at a St. Patricks Day
get together. Art does not have
a single drop of Irish blood, and
I can only guess where she is
from...Transylvania perhaps?
The latest charitable deed performed by Art received considerable press on the news channels and newspapers. It seems as though the Detroit Fire Department is out of money. They do not buy their employees paper towel, soap, toilet paper, etc. There is no money available at all for new mattresses, and things were getting a little uncomfortable at nap time. According to every report that I saw, the total amount of mattresses Art donated was 150. During this holiday season, I am trying hard to give people the benefit of the doubt. For instance, my first inclination was to wonder if the mattresses that Art donated were new...I certainly hope they were. I hope they were not "returns." I'm sure they were not, because it would be awful if they were. I also am aware what the frequent reader of these updates is probably thinking...if Art changes mattresses in all of his households every time he changes mistresses, the man must have dozens upon dozens of lightly used mattresses in an old warehouse somewhere. Shame on you, loyal reader, for even thinking such thoughts! In the spirit of the holiday, I remain hopeful every one of the 150 mattresses was never used for anything else.
It seems as though my ol' buddy Art has been in the limelight a great deal as of late. Holiday soirees, grand openings and every kind of charity event that will allow Art and his mistress through the door invariably post a pic or two of my old boss and the little trollop somewhere. Brace yourself before you take a peek at the pic at the one below.
I'm guessing this one was taken at a St. Patricks Day
get together. Art does not have
a single drop of Irish blood, and
I can only guess where she is
from...Transylvania perhaps?
The latest charitable deed performed by Art received considerable press on the news channels and newspapers. It seems as though the Detroit Fire Department is out of money. They do not buy their employees paper towel, soap, toilet paper, etc. There is no money available at all for new mattresses, and things were getting a little uncomfortable at nap time. According to every report that I saw, the total amount of mattresses Art donated was 150. During this holiday season, I am trying hard to give people the benefit of the doubt. For instance, my first inclination was to wonder if the mattresses that Art donated were new...I certainly hope they were. I hope they were not "returns." I'm sure they were not, because it would be awful if they were. I also am aware what the frequent reader of these updates is probably thinking...if Art changes mattresses in all of his households every time he changes mistresses, the man must have dozens upon dozens of lightly used mattresses in an old warehouse somewhere. Shame on you, loyal reader, for even thinking such thoughts! In the spirit of the holiday, I remain hopeful every one of the 150 mattresses was never used for anything else.
November 16, 2012
Art Van and his current squeeze 11-16-12My ol' buddy Art ...
Art Van and his current squeeze 11-16-12
My ol' buddy Art has been photographed A LOT lately. He looks just fine for his age, and I thought the current girlfriend would start to grow on me, but she has not. In fact, I fear that it is quite the opposite. I am startled every time I see her...it is rather like seeing Cameron Diaz without make-up (trust me, you do not want to....)
That's Art on the right, and his latest
chickee on the left. I think something is
nesting in her hair (I can just make out it's tail,) but would not
want to be the one who disturbs it, lest it bite me.
She is on the far right in this pic,
and I do not think she was ready
for the flash. Her expression is like that of
a catotonic deer caught in the headlights.
Here she is yet again, apparently
trying to force a laugh. This pic obviously
begs the question "Is she moving her
left hand away from the man's pants, or
is she about to grab something of his
and squeeze?" Either way, I suppose much
fun was had by all.
My ol' buddy Art has been photographed A LOT lately. He looks just fine for his age, and I thought the current girlfriend would start to grow on me, but she has not. In fact, I fear that it is quite the opposite. I am startled every time I see her...it is rather like seeing Cameron Diaz without make-up (trust me, you do not want to....)
That's Art on the right, and his latest chickee on the left. I think something is
nesting in her hair (I can just make out it's tail,) but would not
want to be the one who disturbs it, lest it bite me.
She is on the far right in this pic, and I do not think she was ready
for the flash. Her expression is like that of
a catotonic deer caught in the headlights.
Here she is yet again, apparently trying to force a laugh. This pic obviously
begs the question "Is she moving her
left hand away from the man's pants, or
is she about to grab something of his
and squeeze?" Either way, I suppose much
fun was had by all.
October 5, 2012
Does Art eat his own cooking? 10-5-12Where does a ...
Does Art eat his own cooking? 10-5-12
Where does a billionaire furniture magnate shop for furniture? I cannot picture Art Van sitting cross-legged on the floor with his latest concubine as they assemble furniture from Ikea. Perhaps he shops the sales at J C Penny, but I doubt it. Why don't we take an inside peek at one of his residences and see for ourselves what the furniture looks like? Click here. This interior looks like Art never even heard of his own stores...nothing glued or stapled that I can see. Nothing that screams out Made in Mexico either. Of course the question begs to be asked: Would this home sell more quickly with his latest concubine stretched out in a nightie on the master bed? Yeccch. Never mind. I just answered my own query with a visual of that.
Where does a billionaire furniture magnate shop for furniture? I cannot picture Art Van sitting cross-legged on the floor with his latest concubine as they assemble furniture from Ikea. Perhaps he shops the sales at J C Penny, but I doubt it. Why don't we take an inside peek at one of his residences and see for ourselves what the furniture looks like? Click here. This interior looks like Art never even heard of his own stores...nothing glued or stapled that I can see. Nothing that screams out Made in Mexico either. Of course the question begs to be asked: Would this home sell more quickly with his latest concubine stretched out in a nightie on the master bed? Yeccch. Never mind. I just answered my own query with a visual of that.
September 2, 2012
Art and his Concubine 9-2-12My old buddy Art Van ha...
Art and his Concubine 9-2-12
My old buddy Art Van has been making the rounds with his latest squeeze. He is looking much trimmer than I remember him. One possible theory for his weight loss is that she found out she is finally in his will and is gradually poisoning him. I will allow the reader a moment to study her in this photo below and then advance a creepy theory that I have been harboring.
This pic was taken at the Saks Blast. Proceeds benefit the Karmonos Cancer Center, a favorite charity of Art's. I was not there. His latest chippy is on the right. Let us now preview a more relaxed looking pose below.
I do not remember reading anything about my ol' buddy's divorce, do you? Alright, I promised you a creepy theory and here it is: The astute reader will recall that I wrote about his eldest daughter Bertha in my novels. I was startled when I realized that the woman in the above pics strongly resembles a much younger version of Bertha! Eeeewww! In all fairness however, neither of the men in the pics look anything like Art's three sons. Would the reader enjoy a very recent pic of Art's former mistress, Summer?
Her real name is Lorin, and while she is still quite striking, I wish that I could work out with her again for a year or so...I had her far more toned that she is right now. This is a pic of her that was taken at the Fash Bash.
My old buddy Art Van has been making the rounds with his latest squeeze. He is looking much trimmer than I remember him. One possible theory for his weight loss is that she found out she is finally in his will and is gradually poisoning him. I will allow the reader a moment to study her in this photo below and then advance a creepy theory that I have been harboring.
This pic was taken at the Saks Blast. Proceeds benefit the Karmonos Cancer Center, a favorite charity of Art's. I was not there. His latest chippy is on the right. Let us now preview a more relaxed looking pose below. 
I do not remember reading anything about my ol' buddy's divorce, do you? Alright, I promised you a creepy theory and here it is: The astute reader will recall that I wrote about his eldest daughter Bertha in my novels. I was startled when I realized that the woman in the above pics strongly resembles a much younger version of Bertha! Eeeewww! In all fairness however, neither of the men in the pics look anything like Art's three sons. Would the reader enjoy a very recent pic of Art's former mistress, Summer? 
Her real name is Lorin, and while she is still quite striking, I wish that I could work out with her again for a year or so...I had her far more toned that she is right now. This is a pic of her that was taken at the Fash Bash.
August 27, 2012
Deceptive Advertising 8-27-12I realize that I should fini...
Deceptive Advertising 8-27-12
I realize that I should finish my report on the Sarasota Yacht Club, but warning my clients about this scam has become an immediate priority. Most of the business people in Sarasota are very honest and treat their customers fairly. They have to. Sarasota is a small "big" town and word--good or bad--travels fast. Thus I am sad to be the first to report on a business deception that is going on just two blocks from where my workout studio is located. The offender is a well known business called Splish Splash and they are part of a much larger franchise. I have gathered photographic proof of a grossly misleading come-on displayed on their pylon
sign---directly in front of their building. I doubt that the parent company knows of this. If they did, they certainly would not condone it.
As I drove serenely along Tamiami Trail in route to signing up at the new Costco, I spotted an intriguing promise on the marquee. It hinted there were women in the store with swimsuits that were practically FALLING OFF! I have been to Miami South Beach on several occasions and was APPALLED to see women on the beach wearing only the bottom half of their swimsuit. It was thus hard for me to envision any less than that! But the sign clearly stated that swimsuits in that store were up to 70% off! I turned immediately and went inside. Imagine my disappointment when I discovered that what they claimed was not true. Granted, they were having some kind of a sale, but had they lettered the sign honestly, I would NOT have been enticed so easily. Please people, do not be fooled like I was. I shall post the phone number soon. If each reader calls the manager and complains soon, our collective voices will be heard and this deception will end!On the other hand, when my old buddy Art Van has a 70% off sale, you know you are getting a great deal, right? Right?
August 12, 2012
Just Another Day at the Yacht Club 8-12-12We were invited...
Just Another Day at the Yacht Club 8-12-12
We were invited for lunch last Wednesday to the Sarasota Yacht Club. Naturally, we accepted. We have all passed the Yacht Club on our way to St. Armand's Circle. It is the one at the west end of the Ringling Bridge---to the left. How many of you can say, however, that you have been to lunch or dinner at this venerable locale? You can? You too? And you saw her with my dog? Okay, stop sending emails. I did not realize that so many of you have been there. Nevertheless, it was my first time. After meeting our host and his lovely wife inside the front door, we toddled off to the dining room. I was somewhat concerned that my denim shorts and best t-shirt would not be suitable attire for such an exquisitely decorated venue, but observed several people at the pool beyond the tall windows wearing much less. I try to avoid white bread or flour at all costs, but the bread basket had tiny little croissant-shaped blueberry muffins that tasted twice as good as they looked and smelled. I indulged without guilt. I ordered grouper fingers as an appetizer, and french onion soup only because the waiter promised it was very cheesy and salty. In keeping with the grouper theme, I ordered the blackened grouper sandwich as well. In the past, I admit to pulling the old "Look out there at the topless woman!" trick in order to distract others at the table. But this afternoon, summoning as much decorum and willpower as possible, I concentrated on my own plates and not once did I borrow from those of my hosts. Everything was excellent. After lunch, we were offered a tour of the entire facility, which we eagerly accepted. To be continued
August 2, 2012
Fickle, fickle, fickle 8-2-12The following is a rec...
Fickle, fickle, fickle 8-2-12
The following is a recent press release:
Art Van Furniture, which plans a major push into Ohio and the Chicago area, has chosen Doner as its chief advertising and marketing agency. The Southfield-based Doner replaces Sussman Sikes & Associates, which also is based in Southfield.
Art Van Furniture is Michigan's largest furniture retailer, with 34 furniture stores and six bedding stores.
Now let's take a look at what the ol' coot had to say about the fired agency when he first hired them in 2009:
"As we celebrate the 50th Anniversary of our company, we are looking to the future and the exciting opportunities for innovation and growth we see in front of us'" said Art Van Elslander, chairman and founder of Art Van. "We were impressed by the passion and creativity demonstrated by Sussman Sikes, and the strong retail marketing skill they bring to both traditional and online campaigns. We look forward to their solid contribution to our marketing efforts."
Guess it didn't work out too well. Soon I will write about the pattern that is evolving here...company presidents hired and fired, ad agencies coming and going, salesmen and women, mistresses, yacht captains...glad I'm not the man's dog. Oh wait, he hates dogs.
The following is a recent press release:
Art Van Furniture, which plans a major push into Ohio and the Chicago area, has chosen Doner as its chief advertising and marketing agency. The Southfield-based Doner replaces Sussman Sikes & Associates, which also is based in Southfield.
Art Van Furniture is Michigan's largest furniture retailer, with 34 furniture stores and six bedding stores.
Now let's take a look at what the ol' coot had to say about the fired agency when he first hired them in 2009:
"As we celebrate the 50th Anniversary of our company, we are looking to the future and the exciting opportunities for innovation and growth we see in front of us'" said Art Van Elslander, chairman and founder of Art Van. "We were impressed by the passion and creativity demonstrated by Sussman Sikes, and the strong retail marketing skill they bring to both traditional and online campaigns. We look forward to their solid contribution to our marketing efforts."
Guess it didn't work out too well. Soon I will write about the pattern that is evolving here...company presidents hired and fired, ad agencies coming and going, salesmen and women, mistresses, yacht captains...glad I'm not the man's dog. Oh wait, he hates dogs.
July 22, 2012
Integrity 7-22-12At Classic Personal Trainer, it is no se...
Integrity 7-22-12
At Classic Personal Trainer, it is no secret that we do not work out continuously for the entire hour. There is some down time between sets. During that downtime, I hear some of the most interesting things imaginable from my clients. Some of it is just venting of course, but some of it affects the way I see the world outside of the studio. One such incident happened last week. I was working out with the retired CEO of a very, very large defense and aerospace contractor. I will not name names at the present, but let us call the company Rockfeed and the clients name "Crete." One fine morning, the CFO that reported to Crete was bursting at the seams. He had just purchased a home the previous day. At the closing, the CFO had devised a plan to save himself many thousands of dollars. Knowing that the seller of his new home intended to go from the closing directly to another in which he was to purchase his dream home, the CFO sprung his surprise. He loudly announced he would not pay the agreed upon price! He wanted to pay less...much less. The condition of the home had not changed. The appraisal came back fine. The CFO had merely decided that the seller was in a vulnerable spot and ripe to be taken advantage of. The CFO had intentionally finagled a very low deposit that could be left on the table if need be. The seller, desperate now and watching the minutes until the second closing tick away, caved.
The gleeful CFO could not wait to share his triumph the next morning with Crete. He recounted the major points of his coup. He waited until Crete could absorb all of the cleverness of his manuever. But all Crete could do was think about the bottle of mouthwash in his excutive washroom. The vile taste that the deal left in his mouth was rising. It was too late for Crete to help the hapless victim of the previous day's home closing, but there was something he could do that morning.
Crete fired the CFO on the spot. No million dollar salary. No severance package, and to Crete's way of thinking, no financial scandals down the road initiated by a morally-impaired CFO. I found myself wishing that we had more executives like Crete before the banking and real estate world crashed down around us in a cloud of greed and we wound up bailing them all out with taxpayer money. Mr. Art Van, I hope someone has copied this and read it to you. People email me things. Bad things. It's not too late to learn about the word "integrity."
At Classic Personal Trainer, it is no secret that we do not work out continuously for the entire hour. There is some down time between sets. During that downtime, I hear some of the most interesting things imaginable from my clients. Some of it is just venting of course, but some of it affects the way I see the world outside of the studio. One such incident happened last week. I was working out with the retired CEO of a very, very large defense and aerospace contractor. I will not name names at the present, but let us call the company Rockfeed and the clients name "Crete." One fine morning, the CFO that reported to Crete was bursting at the seams. He had just purchased a home the previous day. At the closing, the CFO had devised a plan to save himself many thousands of dollars. Knowing that the seller of his new home intended to go from the closing directly to another in which he was to purchase his dream home, the CFO sprung his surprise. He loudly announced he would not pay the agreed upon price! He wanted to pay less...much less. The condition of the home had not changed. The appraisal came back fine. The CFO had merely decided that the seller was in a vulnerable spot and ripe to be taken advantage of. The CFO had intentionally finagled a very low deposit that could be left on the table if need be. The seller, desperate now and watching the minutes until the second closing tick away, caved.
The gleeful CFO could not wait to share his triumph the next morning with Crete. He recounted the major points of his coup. He waited until Crete could absorb all of the cleverness of his manuever. But all Crete could do was think about the bottle of mouthwash in his excutive washroom. The vile taste that the deal left in his mouth was rising. It was too late for Crete to help the hapless victim of the previous day's home closing, but there was something he could do that morning.
Crete fired the CFO on the spot. No million dollar salary. No severance package, and to Crete's way of thinking, no financial scandals down the road initiated by a morally-impaired CFO. I found myself wishing that we had more executives like Crete before the banking and real estate world crashed down around us in a cloud of greed and we wound up bailing them all out with taxpayer money. Mr. Art Van, I hope someone has copied this and read it to you. People email me things. Bad things. It's not too late to learn about the word "integrity."
March 15, 2012
Art's Former Flame 3-15-12
A very astute reader sent me a picture of Lorin, Art Van's former mistress. In the books, her name was Summer. Okay, I will admit it. Lorin is aging far better than I thought she would. The extra fullness in her face makes her even more attractive. She had her eyes done in '04 and they still look marvelous. Some people do not appear to age, and this woman is fighting Father Time quite successfully. I now admit to being completely mystified as to why Art chose his current squeeze over Lorin, my former client and acquaintance. In addition, Sarah cannot be as intelligent nor as inquisitive as Lorin---impossible. Was it the fighting between the two? Art promised to take care of her for life. Did he renege? I can't imagine him ever backing out of a solemn promise...... See pic of Lorin (Summer) below.
Still a beautiful Woman
Still a beautiful Woman
March 11, 2012
Air Show Exclusive 3-11-12
What if I told you that I have a picture none of the major newpapers had? What if I dared to post it, right here and now? Would you be impressed? Of course you would. Do you remember the Selfridge Air Show last summer? The one where the Wing Walker was supposed to hop from the skid of a helicopter to the wing of a biplane? It's starting to come back to you, is it not? Do you remember a newspaper headline about the guy falling? That's right. He let go of the helicopter skid too soon, and it was a little windy, and the plane was quite high above the ground. Ouch. What was he thinking on the way down? "Land like a cat, land like a cat!?" Anyway, perhaps he did land like a cat, but that doesn't really work, and he died. And it turns out that my friends 11 year old son was taking pictures of the WHOLE THING! My friend sent one to me last week. See below. Remember, loyal readers, you saw it here! I dared to publish what others would not!
OUCH! You know that's going
to hurt when he lands!
OUCH! You know that's goingto hurt when he lands!
