Chelsea Gaither's Blog, page 17

Harlequin--chapter 16

Yes. I cheated and put this off. Because it's every bit as horrible as you think it's going to be.

It's a sex scene between Anita and Richard. Or rather, half of it is sex. The other half is just stupid.

It opens with Anita licking water off Richard's penis, and I have to say this is the biggest bathtub I've ever heard of.

I licked and drank the water until his body lengthened and hardened.

So Richard's entire body turns into a seven foot cucumber? Gotcha. (LAUREL. SAY. PENIS.)

He put two fingers inside me, and he actually closed his eyes, concentrating, searching, until he found that spot, no bigger than a fifty-cent piece, that spot just inside and to the front of the opening.

Oh for FUCK'S SAKE. One: It's a vagina. Not an opening. And it's the G-Spot, not "That spot". You are a FIFTY YEAR OLD SEXUALLY ACTIVE WOMAN. USE YOUR FUCKING WORDS. (Hey, that's a double entendre...) Two: If the G-spot is as big as a fifty-cent piece inside the vagina it shouldn't be hard to find.

“You’re wet,” he said, in a voice that was a little strangled with need.

SHE WAS IN THE BATHTUB NUMBNUTS. OF COURSE SHE'S WET.

And then they have a scramble for a condom because it's not like they were totally planning sex for the last half hour or anything. However, Laurell gets an e-cookie for remembering that promoting safe sex is important. Now if she could just find her way to "Safe, Sane and Consentual" we'd be in great shape.

Condoms lived in the bathrooms and bedrooms of any place I was alone with the men.

The whole "Inanimate object lived" thing works when you're being cutesy. Now is not the time. Here it just sounds like the condom is mouth-breathing in the corner every time Jean Claude or Asher take a dump.

Richard begs Anita to feed on him.

I am going to pretend VERY HARD that Richard has managed to turn a major trigger issue into a turn-on, because the alternative is too fucking creepy for me to go. Seriously, this whole "Rape victim has sex with their abuser" is creeping me the fuck out. It's consensual this time, but it's still REALLY creepy.

The end of him found the end of me, so that each stroke hit as far into my body as it could, and still he came in and in, so hard, so fast, he was almost a blur in the mirrors.

So basically Richard is jackhammering her cervix so fast she can't track his movements. Oh, and she repeats that "blur in the mirrors" part once more when Richard starts going faster.

I fed on Richard’s energy, fed on the part of him that was wolf, and human. I fed on all of him, took in every last delicious inch of his power, as I took in every last delicious inch of his body. When he let himself go like this, he gave so much energy.

Please GOD tell me they remembered to protect the St. Louis pack. PLEASE tell me that Richard, at least, had the presence of mind to shield that connection off. Otherwise Anita just raped 800+ people in the city of St. Louis.

And of course, after the sex Anita is badly damaged from Richard's ramming speed. Oh, she's experianced this with Micah, so it's alright, but unlike all of the Micah/Anita sex scenes this one happens on screen instead of off. Because we want to see EXACTLY how much Richard has hurt Anita through consensual sex.

“It isn’t hurt the way you say it, Richard. I’m not hurt, I hurt; it’s not the same thing.”

The FUCK?

So Richard goes all "I hurt you and enjoyed it" and Anita is all "Yeah, but I didn't mind so it's okay" and this repeats while we get exceptional descriptions of Anita's severe post-sex cramps.

“I didn’t know if you could take this, Anita. I didn’t know if I would break you. The thought that I might fuck you until I pushed my way into parts of your body that should never be touched, excited me.

So Richard was trying to literally impale Anita on his dick. Gotcha.

Anita, of course, has a steller reply.

“I’m not sure it’s sick at all. You didn’t do it. You just thought about it.

He didn't just think about it, Anita. HE ACTUALLY TRIED TO DO IT. He didn't rip you apart with his teeth but he did just admit to trying to hurt you. And for the record, there are certain fantasies that aren't safe. Rape fantasies with yourself as the rapist, for example. It's a gray area, but you become the parts of yourself that you feed. There's a REASON certain kinds of porn are banned, and why the rape e-books got yanked from Amazon and Kobo last year. Saying "You only think about it so that's okay" is UTTER FECKING NONSENSE.

Richard realizes that Anita's cramping is getting more severe, so he gets up to get a doctor. Anita protests that she's fine, she just needs a little more recovery time.

I don't think you're supposed to have heavy bleeding and cramps after good sex.

Richard then realizes that Anita is really experianced because of Micah and he throws a little hissy fit that Anita's feild has been plowed by everyone except him, and he doesn't get any firsts.

And then they start talking about Rania, and how Anita could summon Rania to make her cramps better.

Rania is probably my series kryponite. I dislike what Richard's evolved into (a pretty effective plot bullet) but I HATE Rania. She worked as a villian. She is HORRIBLE as a protagonist tool and--

Raina’s ability to heal was something I had retained. It had been one of the reasons that Richard had made her munin, instead of leaving her body to rot.

I do NOT remember it being like that. I remember that Rania became Munin because that's what happened. I do NOT remember Richard deciding to keep a SEXUAL SADIST MURDERER on as magic. And given that Rania was also his rapist and he hated her 100% of the time, I can't imagine him electing to do that EVER.

...you know, I think Richard probably needs to take a good, long look at his choice in women because I'm detecting a pattern here.

Richard explains that Rania was his first, so she broke him in on causing rough, awful pain and that's why he likes to fuck Anita until she bleeds.

The chapter kind of winds down with Richard and Anita talking about what Rania did to him and then him wandering off to take a shower.  End of chapter.

Harlequin--chapter 15

This chapter makes me suspect that LKH is not human.

It's insane, it's probably one of the things that makes me a terrible human being, but I don't understand how some can (SO. VERY. OBVIOUSLY) read the criticisms of their work and go "HEY THIS IS THE WAY WE CAN FIX IT ALL." LET. ALONE. Think that ANY of what I am about to review is realistic, real human behavior.

This chapter is silly.

It's the Sharknado of sex, is what I'm saying.

Anita and Richard head off to the bathroom to fuck. Because we need about one shower/bathtub scene per novel. (Laurel watches bad porn, mkay?)

A boy draws their bathwater. The boy is 19. He's a former bodyguard who wittnessed the London sex scene.

For those of you who don't remember the London sex scene, it was bacially Richard's Rape 2.0. London was an ardeur addict who came to Jean Claude's territory because he figured if JC promised nobody would feed their ardeur on him, he'd be safe. Anita fed the ardeur on him, because FUCK boundaries, other people's recovery, and being a decent human being.

But Cisco had been in the room when I’d had sex with London, one of our British vamps, for the first time. Cisco had had trouble not seeing me as a piece of ass since that moment. He was young, young in ways that weren’t just about how old he was.

The book also makes a big deal about how Anita doesn't say this to Richard because it might upset him. Gee, I wonder why Richard might find that upsetting. Maybe because Anita raped another person UNDER EXACTLY THE SAME FUCKING CIRCUMSTANCES with EXACTLY THE SAME AMOUNT OF REGUARD FOR THE PERSONHOOD OF HER VICTIM.

The London incident officially makes Anita a serial rapist. It gives her an MO and everything.

Richard hugged me, and again I got a flash of that amazing strength. “I want to check the water, but I’m really enjoying carrying you.”

This is just the start of the fluffy bunnies. It doesn't digress into "wet and tight" (yet) but...

He shuddered, head back, his voice panting, “God, Anita, God, I love the way you react to me. I do love it!”

Yeah. This is RICHARD saying this. Just to add icing to our cake of WTF. This. Goes on. For PAGES. They like having sex. They like having sex. ANITA AND RICHARD REALLY LIKE HAVING SEX. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THIS YET BECAUSE THE BOOK WILL REPEAT IT A FEW MORE TIMES IN CASE YOU DON'T GET IT.

 And then Anita calls a time out because she knows that fucking in this exact position will leave her walking funny the next morning. Because she did it with Micah and Micah is big, and Richard is roughly the same size. Only she doesn't say that out lout because she doesn't want to upset Richard. But I'm sure that Richard is mature enough to handle the compari--

“Say it, Anita.” His voice sounded tired. “I tried it with someone else.” “Why did it hurt?” “Don’t make me say this, Richard, please.” “Say it,” and his voice was harsher now. I sighed. “Fine, because he was too big for it not to hurt.” “Who?” “Don’t do this, Richard.” “Who?” This time it was a demand.Yes. They have a fight over which one of Anita's lovers is bigger/as big as Richard. And it goes on for more pages than the fluffy bunny love scenes. Because the point here is to make sure EVERYONE KNOWS Micah is bigger than Richard.

It's important.

Would it be shitty of me to mention that the reigning anit-fan theory is that Richard=ex husband and Micah=current hubby? Yes it would? Well, fuck it. Richard=ex hubby, Micah=current one. I'm a shitty person but you gotta admit that's the ONLY thing that's made sense for about four chapters now.

“Jesus, no, Richard, you should know better than most that a really big cock is not enough to win my heart.” “Then why him? Why are you living with him and not me?” I sighed. We weren’t going to have sex. We were going to have therapy. Sweet Mary, Mother of God, I did not want to do this. “Don’t do this, not now, not today.”No, Anita, because sane therapy would end with you and Richard breaking up because your relationship is OVER, and it's BEEN OVER for about ten-twelve books already. One, you cheated on him, and two YOU RAPED HIM.

“You’re right, it was stupid, but I’m stupid around you, Anita. You make me say things, do things, that I know are bad for the relationship.”
“I don’t make you do anything. You choose to say and do things that spoil stuff. Your choice, not mine.”

Never let it be said I don't give credit where it's due. That's exactly the right attitude to pull when your lover yanks "YOU MADE ME DO IT" out of its cold little bag. NOBODY makes anybody do anything. You are responsible for your own behavior. FULL STOP. It doesn't matter how abusive your situation is, or how shitty your history is. Being awful to another human being is NEVER EVER OKAY.

Eventually the conversation devolves into "WHY AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO BE YOUR OWN TRUE FUCK" and Anita is all "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND YOUR OWN DESIRES" Which is Anita-speak for "YOU DON'T WANT TO FUCK ME" but I want to call attention to this:

“You didn’t want to be my partner. You want your own life, not to be just an adjunct to mine.”


“I needed a 1950s wife to make my life run smooth. I needed someone to be my wife, and he’s really good at it.”

He blinked at me, and the energy level in the room seeped away. He stared at me. “I don’t want to be a werewolf.” “That’s your deepest wish, Richard, and the ardeur can’t give you that.

This is why Richard isn't perfect Anitabait. Because he wants his own life apart from her. Because he isn't content with the role of an uberperfect, selfless 1950's housewife (IT'S RIGHT THERE IN THE MOTHERFUCKING TEXT) Because he doesn't want to have an easily commutable disease that makes him lose his self control and violate most of his morals and boundaries and he wants to do everything in his power to manage that disease, rather than surrendering to it. Richard is Anita's imperfect, discarded lover because he wants to be a human being and not a cardboard cutout fucktoy.

Anybody who says their desired lover is a 1950s housewife deserves to spend the rest of their life alone.

He stared at me and sat back in the water, almost like he was faint. “Oh, my, God.” He whispered it. “We thought at first you were just too conflicted for the ardeur to pick and choose, but I was the one who figured it out.” “You’re right,” he said. A look of soft horror covered his face. He looked at me, and such pain filled his eyes. “I did this to myself.” I shrugged. “I was so afraid I’d become a monster that I took the inoculations against lycanthropy. That’s how I caught it.”

The. Fuck.

IIRC, Richard got his werewolfyness from an improperly screened baggie of donated blood. Not from inoculations. And even if I remember wrong, HOW IS IT RICHARD'S FAULT. Replace "Lycanthropy" with "Aids" and tell me how getting a shitty vacciene is your fault. LYCANTHROPY RUINS LIVES. Richard just wants to be a teacher and a husband, and he can't because he goes wolfy (and because he's tied to JC and Anita, but that's a rant for another time) IT IS NOT UNREASONABLE TO TAKE THE INOCULATIONS AGAINST A DISEASE TO PREVENT CONTRACTING SAID DISEASE.

ALSO: LKH had sure as fucking fuck better not be jumping on the "vacceines are bad" bandwagon because that is my favorite pet peeve. GET INNOCULATED. YOU ARE SAVING LIVES OTHER THAN YOUR OWN.

(also: Saying that it's better not to get vaccinated because it causes autism is the same fucking thing as saying that it's better to DIE HORRIBLY than develop autism. If you don't see how that is shitty behavior on your part, please turn in your human card, we don't want you anymore.)

Richard and Anita both go "WHY CAN'T YOU CONFORM TO MY LIFESTYLE" rather than going "Okay, compromise" like other healthy, albeit kinky, humans do, because ANGST is more important.

“I’ve got to feed, Richard, now. Nathaniel is starting to feel bad, and I won’t risk killing Damian.”

How to have guilt-free sex in your novel in one easy step: Ensure somebody unrealted will die if you don't fuck.

And then, I swear to fucking God, Anita goes on a tangent on how bigger isn't better in certain situations.

Anita.

She of the "Well, Micah, your OTHER girlfriend just couldn't appreciate all your manly manhood manliness" is going off on how Richard, who is implied to be smaller than Micah, is too big.

I also know that if Richard and I couldn’t come to some kind of understanding, one day we’d be finished as a couple. He’d always be Jean-Claude’s wolf to call. He’d always be bound to us in a triumvirate of power, but we’d be broken up. It would be like being trapped in a relationship with someone you’d divorced but could never completely get rid of. A little slice of hell, that.

 Hey, kind of like Richard's life RIGHT NOW, right?

Anita goes on and on and ON about how Richard won't accept reality, how he can't leave, how he's such an ungreatful bastard (GEE, MAYBE ITS BECAUSE YOU'VE BLACKMAILED HIM INTO STAYING IN AN UNACCEPTABLE RELATIONSHIP) and how she wishes he could change.

And the chapter ends with her giving him a blowjob. End of chapter.

Harlequin--chapter 14

It's official, boys and girls. Laurel K. Hamilton is allergic to plot.

I do not say this lightly. Having survived the plotless sea of writhing bodies that was Danse Macabre I was still willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she was just, you know, working through things. Maybe she vitally needed a porn book to make her life complete. There had to be some kind of reasoning behind chapter after chapter of frustratingly bad sex.

Nope. It's just plot allergy.

Also: By the end of this review Anita will be having almost-sex with Richard. Sorry to spoil it for you but there you go.

Anyhoo, the first biggest problem is that when Anita gives Soledad her inner tiger...it...um...doesn't take. Somehow. Which means that even though the last chapter said she had a tiger, and she spent the entire chapter trying to keep her tiger from killing her, she doesn't actually have a tiger.

There are two things that LKH does consistently with her writing. We're not talking about the sex now, let's just ignore that. Laurel likes to choose the dumbest, most moronic plot twist imaginable. Case in point: Anita gets an inner tiger. For no reason other than to give Anita a tiger. It does absolutely nothing to the current plot, it violates the world rules even more than they've already been violated, and it gives Anita yet another fucking superpower when for fuck's sake, nothing short of a bank vault can stop the woman at this point. I can go on for hours about why the fucking tiger is a bad decision for the plot. WE DO. NOT NEED. TO GIVE. ANITA. ANOTHER THING. ANITA ALREADY HAS ALL THE THINGS. Including all the penis, but we're not talking about that right now.

So that's the first thing LKH does. If there is something that's gonna break the plot, pump up her characters, violate world rules and basically do absolutely fuck all other than sounding cool? She's gonna do that.

The second thing she does consistantly is take it back.

Anita does not have a tiger anymore. I'd be happy ONLY if Anita didn't get the fucking tiger in the first place. Same goes with the numerous lovers she picks and then doesn't pick (Motherfucking Haven) the numerous mistakes she does and does not make. See, the problem is by the time LKH realizes that this was a dumber-than-dogshit decision in terms of actual storytelling, the reader has already resigned themselves to the shitty plot choice being a thing. We're like "Fine. Get it the fuck over with and let's move on with the (snerk) story already." We're already staring to play out what this plot is going to look like. And all of a sudden there's a re-con that takes the shitty plot away. On the one hand, we don't have to endure the shitty plot. On the other...WHAT THE BLAZING FUCKING BLUE MOTHERFUCK LAUREL YOU DO NOT GET TO RETCON SHIT JUST BECAUSE YOU DON'T LIKE WHERE IT TAKES YOUR SHITTY PLOT. You made a bad choice. Fine. LIVE WITH IT. Plot it out, work with it, but don't just go "Hahaha it wasn't actually a thing" because that just makes the reader feel like they got conned. You basically give the reader blue balls/walls every time you pull this shit and we don't like it.

The baby plot last book. Oh dear Christ the motehrfucking baby plot. That was the dumbest move she could have made in terms of story (Specifically the sex romp story she wanted to tell) and everyone INCLUDING THE CHARACTERS knew it. But the absolute worst thing she could have possibly done with that plot is what she actually did. Because that was the ENTIRE PLOT for the ENTIRE BOOK and it might as well have not existed at all.

Same here. Two whole chapters dedicated to something that is Not A Thing. I can forgive the bad sex. Fuck, I'm a horrible person, I can almost forget the numerous rape scenes. But it's this shit right here that makes me really look at the series and try to understand why I'm so frustrated. LKH makes a lot of bad choices, a shitload of irresponsible choices, and about once a book drops a concept that, if followed, will get people KILLED, but that's not (entirely) what makes her a bad writer. What makes her a bad writer is that she treats her audience like we've got the attention span of a baby playing peek-a-boo, and that if she just closes her eyes tight enough we won't notice that she just RETCONNED TWO CHAPTERS INTO ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING.

YOU. WASTED. MY. TIME. LAUREL. THAT'S NOT COOL.

So they handwave the tiger thing away as "It's just the MOAD, no biggie" and then start talking about why Anita doesn't react to all of Chimera's forms. That's a good question. Why DOESN'T Anita have/shift into/react to all of Chimera's forms. Anybody? Micah? Nathanial? Jean Claude? Bueller?

No answer? Alright.

Anita starts having flashbacks about having sex with Asher. I Do finally remember that he put her in the hospital at the end of Danse Macabre, and that that was the (snerk) climax for the book. I think I blocked it out. Too many traumatic memories.

And then Anita realizes that she hasn't fed the ardeur yet and HEY THERE'S DAMIAN'S COFFIN TO GUILT US INTO SEX. Yeah, so not only is Anita not allowed to have sex because, you know, she wants to have sex, but she isn't even allowed to do it to feed her own needs. Nope. She has to fuck randomly because it'll kill DAMIAN if she doesn't.

Everyb
ody says "NOT IT" real fast and that just leaves...FUCK...Richard.

I just want to lay this out for you lovely people. Just in case any of you have missed the layers of awful attached to this idea.

Anita got the ardeur in Narcissus in Chains. She and Richard had something like a reconciliation, given that she hadn't seen or spoken to him for six months. They have happy, consensual sex in her bedroom. Then, AFTER the consensual stuff, the ardeur wakes up and Anita needs to feed. Richard tells her his hard limit is that he does not act as food. Nobody feeds on him. Not JC, not her, not NOBODY. He is his own person with his boundaries...and Anita is all "Fuck that shit" and she feeds on him anyway, using sexual sensations that Richard not only did not want, that he specifically and verbally told her she was not to do. She raped him.

And now they're doing it again. Exactly the same circumstances. This time Richard is all go for it, and I'll give him credit for his resiliancy, but forgive me for being really, REALLY squicked about a RAPE VICTIM re-enacting their rape WITH THEIR RAPIST when not even a motherfucking year has passed.

They head for the bathroom. Of course they're gonna fuck in the tub. We haven't had a book since NIC that hasn't had Anita fucking in a bathtub or shower.

They paw at each other, and pant, and Richard subtly negs Anita for still being stuck in the "SHIT THIS SHIT HURTS" stage of shapeshifter development. (He's a shit too) and the chapter closes with...this.

I draped an arm around his neck and breathed in the scent of him. It loosened something tight and frightened in the center of my being. It felt a little like the rabbit was cuddling with the wolf, but if a lion can lie down with a lamb, why not?

One: The rapist is scared of her victim. Excuse me while I vomit.

Two: Twilight was published in 2005, coincidentally the same year this book is set in. Harlequin was published in 2007. You may draw your own conclusions. Given that LKH has NEVER used the lion/lamb imagry in the AB series that I know of...yeah.

Three: Lay off the Christian Symbolism, Laurel. You really don't know where to point it.

(ALSO FYI re: Twilight: The lion/lamb imagry is very, VERY huge in Mormonism. I can't find any easy references in the LDS imagry, but the lion/lamb thing is a part of the RLDS AKA Community of Christ seal. I know it's completely off topic but I thought you might find that kinda interesting.)

Harlequin--chapter 12 and 13

Anita has another dream about the Mother of all Darkness. Richard goes with her this time.

I do not think this is a good plan, given the MOAD is kind of Godzilla level power and both Anita and Richard have a tendancy to mouth off and dig the pit deeper. It works out well, but only because Richard apparently got replaced by a pod person.

(...out of curiosity, how would that work? Pod person replacing someone psychically tied to someone else? My vote is the psychic ties would just vanish but what if they didn't? How would that work?)

Anyhoo...Nate and Micah are out because the MOAD controls cats and Richard is in because Anita, JC and Richard all share dream space. Okay.

The MOAD is pissed because the Harlequin came to St. Louis SPECIFICALLY TO FUCK WITH ANITA. They know that Jean Claude hasn't closed the marks yet, and they're gonna snatch Anita away from him because they want to.

WHY THE FUCK HAS JEAN CLAUDE NOT SEALED THE DEAL YET? His power base is fucking hinged on Anita and Richard on this point. He loses them, he loses everything. Anita has expressed a strong interest in getting that fourth mark so she can stop having to deal with this bullshit, Richard will do whatever the other two want because he's kind of mind-fucked ATM. There is literally no reason not to seal the marks. It's been at least ten fucking books. This is a plot device that is older than sin. It is WAY out of character for everyone involved to leave it unresolved.

Anyway, the MOAD tells Anita that she won't let the Harlequin take her. Meanwhile Richard summons his wolf and Anita summons hers to keep the MOAD from taking Anita over, and we get a copypasta of Anita's inner wolf description from the last book. The MOAD tells Anita that she came to take Anita tonight, and has decided not to. Jean Claude can keep her for now, but nobody else can, and here's a random parting gift. The chapter ends with Anita and Richard lip-locked in the dream.

Okay. Next chapter.

Lemme guess. Anita's wolf is going to rise to the surface and she's going to have to fuck every single animal she's got in her inner menagerie to stay human. How close am I?

Well, first Anita's cross set the bed on fire. Apparently Anita's faith isn't strong enough to keep the MOAD out of her head, but it is strong enough to commit arson. And this time Anita's just going to be weak, and not fight her inner zoo. Good. No repeats.

Claudia comes in the room because apparently Anita was screaming. Claudia deserves a fucking raise.

And then the newest member of Anita's inner zoo does rear its ugly head and rise to the surface. It's a tiger. The MOAD gave Anita the tiger strain of therianthropy from where-the-fuck-ever in a dream. Because that's totally do-able and not world-breaking at all. The MOAD had better never contract AIDS, because there's no such thing as dream condoms.

Anita summons up her inner zoo anyway, because having the entire crew active at once will keep her body from choosing just one of them. I guess it's a little like infecting yourself with cowpox to keep yourself from getting smallpox, except, you know, it's not like that at all.

Micah figures out that Anita's got an inner tiger now and tells them to call the nearest were-tiger anybody knows about. She's several miles away and Anita is betting that Known Tiger can get to the Circus before the inner zoo rips her apart. This is actually cool and dramatic, and if I were writing this I'd throw in a Random Serial Murder call from Zerbowski so Anita has to work a crime scene while trying to keep her inner zoo happy.

That...is not what happens. Because, you know, LKH is allergic to drama. And plot. And good writing.

INSTEAD we get this shit. Apparently Jean Claude figured out that the MOAD could spread therianthropy through dreams, even though that never fucking happened before EVER and that she'd probably give Anita tiger-strain, because Anita already has leopard and lion and there aren't any other really badass cats to give her. So he went out and recruited another weretiger, stuck her in Rafael's wererat group and told everybody they had to pretend that she was a rat, even though I'm pretty sure a bunch of FUCKING PREY ANIMALS would figure out really damn fast that they've got a tiger in their den.

...and her name is Soledad. Because anything attached to the were-rats has to be hispanic.

Anita also tells them to get a local Lion, so they send for a dude named Travis. Anita snuggles Richard and Nathanial in the meantime. Then the tiger randomly fades away and the lion starts trying to make Anita shapeshift. There is a lot of thrashing and screaming and then Travis shows up, Anita bites him, and he explodes into goo and werelion. And of course Travis is to weak to handle it, not like manly Haven, and he collapses.

One down, three to go.

The wolf goes next and...really, Laurel? REALLY? Richard, who is the ulfric for the werewolves, who KNOWS how to handle an unwanted, out-of-control shifter situation, shoves Anita's wolf back down instead of taking it into him. Which sounds like a much, MUCH better situation because it doesn't involve shoving your issues off on somebody else the way she just did with Travis, and it's also a good example of Richard mantaining his personal boundaries while still helping out the woman who raped him. And Anita complains because it hurt and she didn't get any pleasure out of her de-wolfening.

Anita Blake is a horrible person.

Two left. Leopard shows up, Anita gives it to Micah, who half shifts, and of course we get more power-ranking fuckery.

Once I’d thought you had to be powerful to do the half-human form. But I’d been spending too much time around really powerful wereanimals. Now, I thought that only the weak couldn’t do it.

Anita, stop being an elitist. It looks real ugly on you.

And of course Micah and Richard snark at each other. And it's stupid, penny-ante shit they BOTH should be mature enough to get over, given the circumstances.

“Did you do that to make a point?” Richard’s voice, angry. Micah looked up at him and spoke in that gravelly purr that he had in this shape. “What point would that be?” “That I caused her more pain making her swallow her beast than you did by taking it.” “I took her beast because I’m not powerful enough to make her swallow it, and because being forced to swallow it can hurt, a lot.” “So I cause her more pain, and you come off the hero.”

Boys, you're both pretty. Otherwise Anita wouldn't fuck you. Knock it off.

They keep it up for a few pages, and Micah shows off how much better he is at shape-shifting than Richard by turning back into a human. Then Soledad shows up.

Soledad came to stand over us. She wasn’t as tall as some of the guards, well under six feet, but from flat on the floor, she looked tall enough. She was slender but curvy, with hair cut boy short and dyed a shade of yellow that didn’t occur in nature. With the hair you’d expect more makeup, but she usually did lipstick and just enough liner to accent her brown eyes. She stared down at me with that look she usually had, like she thought something was funny and would laugh any minute. I’d realized a few days ago that it was her version of a blank face.

First up: She's blond. We're probably going to have yet another better-than-thou-blondie contest.

Second: WHEN THE FUCK DID YOU MEET THIS CHARACTER? She hasn't been here AT ALL, you didn't know that she was a tiger, you can discern what somebody is and is not just from smelling, you're intimately familiar with rats so I'd assume you'd notice when one of your guardians doesn't have the same warm fuzzy smell as the others. HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT HER FACIAL TICS ARE LIKE?

The tiger shows up. Soledad takes a second to say something pretentious to Anita:

She leaned over to take my hand, saying, “In this world I would rather live two days like a tiger than a hundred years like a sheep.”

I cannot convey how out-of-the-fucking-blue this is. The conversation is basically "Do your job, lady, and help her" and then we get RANDOM PHILOSOPHICAL STATEMENT before she rushes to save Anita's humanity.

The tiger races forward, and we finally get to the end of the chapter. 

Well, we haven't hit Anita's heteroflexible stage, so the next chapter ought to be rather short.

BOOK UPDATE+ Pretty arts!

The Perilous Choice is almost ready. Edits are nearly done (Either tonight or tomorrow) and I'll be doing the formatting and artwork over the next several days.


Drop date will be the fifteenth. Mark your calendars.

Here's a WIP of the coverart. I'm really proud of this.

Ships and water will figure predominantly in this one.

The thing that I enjoy the most about the Gray Prince books is that it's literally world building. Leythorne is building a civilization out of necessity. He's utterly fucking clueless when it comes to that, though, so that's where things get interesting. I'm shooting for a steampunk with magic kind of thing with his world, and what made this really, really cool (for me, anyway) is how much of the technology we use every day is based on something in the textile industry, which means, hey, this is something I kinda know and can build on.

Anyhoo, the best part about this book is that the groundwork for what's to come is now officially DONE. And I can move on from here.

Also: Isn't that a pretty boat?

To sum: Fifteenth, book drop, if you're interested you can go nab the other two books and get all caught up in the meantime. Enjoy, my lovelies, enjoy.

The Harlequin--chapter 11

Oh god. I read ahead. OH GOD. WHY LAUREL. WHY.

So Anita goes back to the bedroom. It's Jean Claude's bed but he's not in it because Anita doesn't like sleeping with dead men. Nate is in the bed. The sheets are red and...sigh...silk.

I'm sorry, guys. I'm sure that silk sheets are wonderful, but I'm a fiber snob. You DO things in a bed, and silk is very, very, VERY easy to ruin. Every time I see "silk sheets" I think of the leigons of little baby moths that died so that Jean Claude could come on luxury.

We also find out that Jean Claude had the sheets changed because Anita looks best on red. Okay, the text says "The three of us" but we all know Nate and Micah don't matter a fart in a windstorm.

Micah shows up. We get several paragraphs about his kitty cat eyes. And how those eyes look. And how they got that way. And what various doctors have said about his eyes.

...I took my hand back and undid the robe’s sash. He lay back and watched me with that look a man can get— the look that is part sex, part possession, part just male. It’s not a look that has much to do with love, not the kind that includes hearts and flowers anyway, but it has everything to do with being together, being real. Edward was right. Micah was my lover. Not my boyfriend.

Translation: Micah objectifies Anita, which she's okay with, and she objectifies right back, while simultaneously withholding emotional intimacy because, you know, love's just icky.

 Anita thinks about when she and JC rolled Auggie. Hey, did ya'll know this is, like, ONE WEEK after Danse Macabre? It reads like it's months later but it's not. Anyhoo, Anita thinks about how she now knows her love for Nate and Micah is just vampire fuckery screwing with her mind, and she's okay with that:

When Micah had come to me, I’d needed a helpmate, someone to help me run the shapeshifter coalition that we’d just established.

And then he raped you within hours of meeting you. That's not how I'd define "helpmate". Sociopathic fuck, perhaps...

Nathaniel stirred in his sleep again. His face flexed, frowned. He made another small sound. It was his bad dream sound. He’d had more nightmares of late. His therapist said it was because he felt safe enough with us to explore his deeper pain.

Wait. WAIT. NATHANIAL HAS A THERAPIST?!?

Who the BLAZING BLUE FUCK would look at Nathanial's lifestyle and go "Yeah, this kid is fine where he's at?" Nathanial has a background of extremely horrible abuse, and of course, rape with extra rape, a side of rape and a supersized glass of rape to wash it all down. He should not be in this job with this boss or in this relationship with this girlfriend. Nate does not have the boundaries to keep himself safe at Guilty Pleasures. MAYBE he'd do well at a club that actively worked to keep its dancers safe, but Jean Claude blurs lines so frequently you'd think he was Robin Thicke. The ONLY thing keeping the dancers safe from Jean Claude's sexual proclivities is it'll get back to Anita and she'll dump him, and she's kind of his entire power base right now. Jean Claude rapes his entire customer base every single night. And Nathanial has no boundaries or survival instincts whatsoever. That is not a good thing. It is NOT good to look at a real abuser and think "sexy". Nate cannot separate play-acting from being abused. He plays without safewords for fuck's sake. I mean yeah, you can be turned on by your triggers but there's a difference between being turned on and consistantly placing yourself in dangerous situations because you literally cannot tell how dangerous it is! Nathanial being in this club, in this relationship with these people is like an alcoholic working bar when they've only got a month sobriety. Not only is it NOT a good idea, NO THERAPIST IN THE WORLD WOULD EVER CONSIDER IT SAFE.

 AND THEN RICHARD SHOWS UP.

I swear to fucking god I vomit a little every time he shows up. It's like when Anita says "When Micah came to me" when she actually means "When he raped me in the shower". Only it's from the POV of the rapist.

Richard looks at the bed full of Anita and her lovers and is...fine with that shit. Completely calm and cool and composed. And his hair has grown out just enough for LKH to give him a Christ-like golden halo, so we're going with "good" compliant Richard instead of Richard-who-wants-out-of-this-shit AKA the Realistic Portrayal of a Human Being.

He was as he had always been: six feet one inch of handsome masculinity. Perfect cheekbones and a nearly permanent tan showed that somewhere back in all that Dutch blood was something darker and less European. I’d always bet on American Indian, but they actually didn’t know. He was almost heartrendingly handsome. So why hadn’t my new vampire powers made us the perfect couple, too? Because for my abilities to work you had to know what you wanted, what you really wanted. Richard didn’t know that. He was too conflicted, too full of self-loathing, to know what his heart’s desire was.

Or, you know, you RAPED HIM and he's got the self-will and determination to dodge your powers because HELLO ANITA HE IS YOUR MOTHERFUCKING RAPE VICTIM, NOT YOUR EX-LOVER. Also: I love how not lusting after Anita means you don't know your heart's desire. Not wanting to sleep with an abusive rapist who happens to have a vagina instead of a penis seems like a perfectly reasonable desire to me.

Also-also: Europeans DO come in dark. I mean, I'm whiter than bedsheets, but we don't all come in perfect pearly princess.

Richard asks where everybody is, because he wants to sleep in a puppy pile tonight. (GAG ME). Jean Claude is with Asher, Jason is sleeping with his new girlfriend Perdita the Mermaid, a gift from Cape Cod AKA the Family of Potential Threatening Incest, and that means Richard has to sleep in a bed with Antia, Micah and Nathanial.

...and he's completely fine with that. NO. REALLY. HE'S COMPLETELY FINE WITH THAT.

 We must have looked surprised, though, because he said, “I’m a shapeshifter; we like big puppy piles for sleeping.”
 “Most of you guys do,” I said, “but you’ve never willingly slept with me and any of the other guys.” 
“This is who you are, Anita. This is who we both are.”

Alright, I kind of like that Richard isn't breaking things, but what the fucking shit, Laurel, one of Richard's main character traits is that he's monogamous, he doesn't like sharing, and he wants to be out of this bullshit relationship. I'll buy that he's come to terms with Anita's life choices (most of which suck) but WHY THE FUCKING SHIT is he getting in bed with them?

He asks everyone's permission to stay. Nathanial shows just how wonderful his therapist is:

“I’m not dominant to anyone in this room; I don’t get a vote.”

No. No no no no non o no NO NO. Dominance does not equal consent. DOMINANCE DOES NOT EQUAL CONSENT. It is ENTIRELY REASONABLE to ask permission to do something. And, for that matter, it's passive-aggressive as fuck to not give a yes/no answer to the question "Can I have intimate contact with you". Nathanial is not an inexperienced kid, and for him not to give a clear answer either means his boundaries are THAT fucked up, or he doesn't want Richard in bed with them and he doesn't want to get shit from Anita for telling Richard no.

Nate finally says it was Richard's bed first, and Richard says "Thanks for remembering that". I thought it was Jean Claude's bed? Richard did not do Jean Claude. Except under emotional duress from Anita and/or bad guys in the neighborhood.

They watch Richard unpack and then undress. It takes a paragraph to unpack, several paragraphs to undress. He gets into bed with Anita and Company and...oh god...they start making out.

On the one hand, we've waited until chapter eleven to have a sex scene. On the other hand, it's Richard, which means we're watching a rape victim make out with his abuser and HER abusers.


And then Richard and Nathanial start talking about Richard dating other women, which brings up Nathanial's request--that either Anita dominate him or he finds someone else who will, they just won't have sex. That leads to THIS:

 (Richard said) “I know. Raina talked about you a lot.” Raina had been the old lupa of the wolf pack. She’d taken Richard’s virginity and trained Nathaniel to be a good little pain slut.

good little pain slut.

  good little pain slut.

Nathanial is a slut because he likes pain. My issues with Nate's desire to be dominated has do with how he accepts all the pain, rather than restricting his activities to sex with people who are psychologically safe and who know how to use safewords. So thank you. Thank you, Anita, for finally being honest in your opinion of Nathanial's lifestyle. It's very gratifying. Also:


 The chapter of utterly horrible horribleness ends with everybody falling asleep.

I hate this book, I hate everyone involved in this book, I hate LKH for writing it and I hate Penguin for publishing it. In short:

Harlequin--chapter 10 and 11

So the Harlequin's big listening power turned out to be...bugs. SHORT RANGE bugs. Which means they're within driving distance of the Circus.Jeez, you'd think that scary badass vampire assassin-clowns could afford a decent receiver and router.

Anita's next move is to call Edward.

Edward is probably the only character to make it through this series without getting totally lobotomized. He's not unscathed by any means, but he still has flashes of his old self now and then. Anyhoo, Edward is the only person Anita respects. Because he is a very, very, VERY bad human being. Not shitty. BAD. The only person I can compare Edward to is Richard Kuklinski. Good Anita had moral restrictions on what she'd do. Current Anita spends too much time trying to prove that she's a badass to actually, you know, be a badass. Edward DOES. NOT. GIVE. A. FUCK. He's acquired a family the way most of us acquire a housecat--it just kind of happened--and I have yet to figure out if he actually cares about them, if he thinks he actually cares about them, or if he just needs a cover and they're it. That said, you do NOT fuck with Edward's family. Even if he doesn't actually care about them, he'll read it as disrespect and you'll be dead. Probably instantaneously. There are a lot of dangerous people Anita will hang with. Edward is the only dude that she is consistantly scared shitless of. His character kind of fades, in my opinion, not because he gets lobotomized, but because Anita forgets to be scared of him. Which, if a good writer were behind this, would be how Anita dies.

In other words: Edward's been one of my favorite characters from the start. Will he get ruined? Yeah, but not completely. It's kind of hard to ruin a character whose defining trait is "Kill it hard."

And because Edward always upstages Anita, when she calls him, she gets one of "his" kids. Peter. She promptly fucks up by using Edward's name instead of calling him "Ted" which is the name "his" family knows him by. Anita monologues about how she's been calling Donna's house instead of Edward's because Edward sleeps over there most nights, which makes me wonder when you know your kill-buddy is under cover WHY DO YOU USE HIS REAL NAME ON THE PHONE. Yes, Anita admits it's a mistake, but it's a pretty fucking basic one.

Peter then reveals that he knows Edward's secret identity (meaning, he knows Ted ain't Ted) he knows that Edward goes out and kills things, and he's just waiting for his chance to go kill things with Edward, but sadly Ed won't take him hunting humans until he's old enough to graduate, smoke and vote.

...that is one fucked up kid.

Also, Anita keeps zoning out during the phone conversation so she can infodump shit she already knows to the reader. There is no reason to have your main character zone out while infodumping. We readers kind of assume that the character is capable of remembering shit and having a conversation at the same time. It's like walking and chewing gum. If you need help, you've got issues.

Peter figures out that Anita is pants-shitting scared of something other than his murdering stepfather and starts asking Anita what's wrong instead of getting Edward. It goes on for pages. LKH must have needed major padding. Finally Anita threatens to hang up if he doesn't go get Edward and the kid does it. End of chapter.

Next chapter: Anita realizes that getting Edward killed will devastate his family and she decides not to tell Ed what's going on. Ed picks up the phone.

The next to pages are basically:

Ed: "What's going on?"
Anita: "It's too dangerous"
Ed: Tell me
Anita: No.
Ed: Tell me
Anita: No.
Ed: Tell me
Anita: No.

Repeat ad nauseum.

 They take a break to discuss how Peter's started listening in on phone conversations and what's up with that?

Anita finally explains what's going on and then she zones out again. Edward tells her that's not like her, he'll be there fast as he can but she might want to camp out in a bank vault till he gets there, seeing as how she can't focus on a phone conversation. Suddenly, she realizes what's wrong: SHE HAS A FAMILY TO PROTECT TOO AND IT SCARES HER.

WOW. It took you HOW LONG to figure out that protecting loved ones is a thing, Anita?

He laughed then. “Which of your lovers is cannon fodder, Anita? Who are you really the most worried about?”

I took a deep breath, let it out slow, and said, “Nathaniel.”

NATE IS A MOTHERFUCKING WERELEOPARD. HE CAN EAT YOU. STOP DOWNGRADING HIM TO CANNON FODDER JUST BECAUSE HE LIKES BOTTOM SEX.

To her credit, Anita then remembers that Nate can shoot a gun, that he's already killed at least one person defending her. She realizes she never helped Nate deal with the aftermath of killing people, and she might want to do that. Edward tells her now is not the time.

And then Edward tells her that Donna wants kids with him, and he's not sure that's a good idea. And Anita, who spent ALL of the last book going either "I DON'T WANNA BE PREGGERS" or "I'M NOT PREGNANT YAY" gets all choked up and teary-eyed because BABIES BABIES BABIES.

Then Anita goes wool-gathering about how Edward, in his Ted persona, is also a Marshal.

But too many of the vampire hunters had failed the firearms test; for the newer ones, too many hadn’t made it through the more detailed training.

I still cannot get over the whole "WE MADE THESE PEOPLE FEDERAL MARSHALS BECAUSE THEY CAN SHOOT FUCKING GUNS" thing. That's probably the single worst idea in this book. NOBODY would let that fly. NOBODY is that stupid.

Edward then starts asking which rumors about Anita's life are true, so he knows what he's dealing with. They recap everything that's already been recapped in the book and Edward points out that Anita and company are basically loose supernatural nuclear warheads, of course the Harlequin wants to fuck with them. He'll be in St. Louis tomorrow. End of chapter.

Harlequin--chapter 8

Anita and Jean Claude inform everyone that they got a white mask. Everyone freaks out accordingly.

If the mask is the official calling card, why did Anita get it? Leaving LKH's overwhelming ego aside, Anita is a subordinate in the vampire universe. Jean Claude might have manipulated her into accepting the role, but Anita is just a vampire servant. She's chosen a role that leaves her taking commands, not giving them. The fact that only an idiot would command her to do anything (mostly because it'd get lost in the ensuing dick-measuring contest) doesn't matter a hill of beans. If the Harlequin need to notify somebody that they're here, why in the name of fuck would they do that song and dance at the theater? Why not sneak into Jean Claude's dressing room at Guilty Pleasures and drop it on his desk?

Yes. The obvious answer is "Because LKH has to make Anita the center of EVERYTHING". But this plot--so far!--doesn't center on Anita. It's Malcolm and his people who are in the shit, and Anita's only role is in getting bullshit warrents on innocent vamps. This is actually a good plot. It fits my biggest rule for writing overpowered characters--they don't start shit, they just end it. This isn't caused by Anita fucking OR by her fucking up--and done right, it could be a really good character arc for everyone involved. Malcolm has to decide how he stands with the vampire council, ditto Jean Claude, Anita has to decide between following human laws to the letter or risking her career to save innocent lives, and the Harlequin could come through and thin the Harem a little bit.

NONE of that will happen, of course, but I want to point out that this is what it could have been.

They then explain that the Harlequin is the basis for the Wild Hunt.

Excuse me while I go vomit for a while. (Another reason I haven't done more Merry, other than Merry being incredibly boring--I do not like LKH's take on fairies. I like the nastiness just fine, but it's the constant sexualization. For me, that kind of takes the teeth out. If you can solve a problem by flashing your va-jay-jay it doesn't seem all that dangerous to me. There's an element of fuck-not-given that LKH's Fae just do not have. I think it goes back to the MC has to be the center of attention...thing)

Also: How can the Harlequin be the Wild Hunt? There's implications that Harlequin the clown came from Harlequin the assassin club, which would mean they kind of own the word, but the Hunt is OLD. MUCH older than the french. Given the amount of significance attached to the word Harlequin in this series (Don't later books reveal that just saying the word attracts their attention?) the whole Harlequin-is-the-Hunt thing is a little bit like putting sour cream in an oreo. They weren't made to go together and you can kind of tell.

Anita infodumps about the Hunt, and while I hope to GOD the Hunt never comes up in this series again EVER (Christ even Sholto the Tenticled One was better than the image of Pretty Pretty Vampires with their pet cats filling the role) the info dump isn't actually that bad. At least it's in Anita's own fucking voice this time around.

Why did the wild hunt just stop riding, if it was real?”

This sentence, for me, proves how fucking wasted this setting is. It's like magic didn't exist until twenty years before this series started, when the series lore says it was always there. Anita has blown off the idea of the Hunt being real because it should still be riding if it were real. THAT idea is bone chilling pants shitting scary. A MODERN DAY WILD HUNT. THAT YOU CANNOT STOP. THAT IS NOT A SECRET, EVERYBODY KNOWS ABOUT IT AND THEY JUST HAVE TO DEAL.

I would read the FUCK out of that book.

(This is actually one of the things I fucking loved about Sunshine, other than it being my fucking life at the time. The nightmares aren't just real in that series: THEY ARE A PART OF EVERY DAY LIFE. Shapeshifters have anti-shifting drugs. Every house has to have wards and charms as a matter of course. YOU CAN SCRY THROUGH THE INTERNET.)

And it's not this book. WHY is it not this book? Why are we reading page after page after page after page of monotonous, uninteresting NON CONSENSUAL sex when we could be reading about how people get ready for the Wild Hunt the way we do fucking hurricanes.

...because it's not centered on Anita.

“I am saying that the legend existed and we took advantage of it. The Harlequin adopted the persona of the wild hunt. For it was something that people already feared.”

You just contradicted yourself within two pages. Fuck you.

(Also: GIVE. THE WILD HUNT. BACK, VAMPIRES. IT ISN'T YOURS.)

“There is only one Harlequin at a time, but there are other Harlequin as a group name. Whatever names they had once, they have adopted the names and masks of the commedia dell’arte.”

It took three read-throughs to understand what the FUCK they were talking about. So apparently the Harlequin decided that dressing up like the state clowns of Venice was the absolute best way ever to strike terror into the hearts of vampires everywhere. They borrow the legend of the Wild Hunt and then dress up as motherfucking clowns.

LEAST. SCARY. ASSASSIN CLUB. EVER.

Dear fucking God that means there is a vampire assassin named Punchinello. As in Punch and Judy. AND THEY EXPECT PEOPLE TO TAKE THEM SERIOUSLY.

 THEN they establish that even though they gave Anita a white mask, the Harlequen are fucking with them exactly the way they fucked with the last guy they killed.

The assassin clowns don't even follow their own rules. Gotcha.

“They turned our own powers against us, Anita. We were a kiss made up almost entirely of Belle Morte’s line. They turned our gifts against us so that the blade bit deep, and we bled for them.”

Translation: They fucked themselves insane, and possibly to death. And about a page later Bryon says the same thing, and that they had no choice in who they fucked.

............I lived through Danse Macabre. I do not like where this is going. Given that LKH hasn't consiously tried to write a rape scene (Most of her sex scenes ARE rape scenes, but she won't admit that) I DO NOT want to read her idea of what rape actually is.

Though if it's actually indiscernable from the London scene, I will be rolling.

Bryon and Requiem snark at each other, and then everyone realizes that UH OH the Harlequin is fucking with their anger, too. Jean Claude decides the best way to resolve this is to call a meeting with the Harlequin and try to get things resolved.

Nobody else thinks this is a good idea.

Anita thinks they should call the cops on the Harlequin and fight them within the letter and spirit of the law. Everybody thinks this is an even worse idea but I for one am applauding. Hello, old Anita, it's so nice to see you again. I am sorry this moment of sanity will soon be drowned.

Then another box with another mask is brought down from one of the clubs. It's another white mask and somehow Jean Claude figures it means the Harlequin know he wants to meet with them and they're setting up a meeting. It also means the Harlequin are listening in. OF COURSE THEY ARE, if they're close enough to fuck with your anger they're close enough to evesdrop.

I'm not finding them very scary. Maybe it's the clown part.

Anita assumes they're using bugs and tells them to sweep the room.

This brings up a (boring) debate about how Vampires Don't Use Tech.

Then, and ONLY then, does Anita look inside the mask. The date and location for the meeting are written inside, and OF COURSE they're having the meeting at the Circus. Recycling locations notwithstanding, if I were the Harlequin I probably wouldn't want to have the meeting on my prey's home turf. That's the kind of move you make when you're trying to pacify somebody and the Harlequin are here to shake things up. Making Jean Claude come out in the open to meet with them would be a good dominance move and it would freak him and everyone attached to him the fuck out. Especially if it were in a place impossible to secure, like an open field (bullets, rocket propelled grenades, sprinklers full of Holy Water).

Anita closes the chapter hoping that they find bugs, because being spied on psychically gives her the willies.

The plot still exists, but I'd rather like something to fucking happen now.

Harlequin chapter 7

A lot of things bug me about the stripper scenes in the book. It's not the stripper part. It's...well, it's shit like this:

Byron used the towel to dry some of the sweat off his body. He winced, and turned to show bloody scratches high on one buttock. “Got me from behind, just at the end of m’ act.” “Hit-and-run, or did she give you extra money for it?” Nathaniel asked. “Hit-and-run.” I must have looked puzzled, because Nathaniel explained. “A hit-and-run is when a customer gets an extra grope, or scratch, or something intimate, and we don’t know who did it, and they don’t pay for it.”

Also known as ASSAULT. This is a chance for LKH to address a pretty big issue: Sex workers get abused and assaulted A LOT. They don't ask for it, any more than anybody else asks for it, and it's not right for a customer to take liberties the worker didn't agree to. It's wrong for a customer to do that to a dancer, it's wrong for a customer to do that to their waitress, it's wrong for a random stranger to do that to me. LKH could be discussing the hazards of being an exotic dancer.

But instead, it's all about how desirable her men are.

“Oh,” I said, because I didn’t know what else to say. I didn’t like watching my boyfriends being groped by strangers. It was another reason I stayed away.

It's not that the groping is wrong, even in the context of a strip club (ESPECIALLY in the context of a strip club) and that Anita has to watch her loved ones be casually assaulted by strange assholes just so they can survive. Nope. It's that it's HER MEN being groped that makes it wrong. See, when "my lover" sounds a lot like "my dog" or "my boots", that's when it becomes a big issue. Anita isn't disturbed that her lovers have their rights and bodies violated as a matter of course and that NOBODY in the club seems to be taking steps to protect them. She's disturbed that her property is being damaged by strangers. I know this because after Anita thinks about the groping we move on to her pawing Requiem.

He quotes Milton at her. Because religious poetry about the war in heaven and good and evil is exactly what you want to be quoting at a strip joint. For FUCK'S SAKE Laurel, there's an entire book in the Bible that is literally nothing but erotic poetry. I'd be much more aroused by the verses where the Shulamite describes Solomon's penis.

And of course, it's just Requiem's way to complain that Anita is giving Nate and Bryon more attention than she's giving him, because Nate is a lover and he's just food. AKA a lover that Anita doesn't care much about. It bugs Anita that she doesn't care, and that she's lost out on a potential friend by sleeping with Requiem, even though sleeping with Jason didn't blow that friendship. Requiem is a whiny infant, and in a minute he's gonna passive-agressively quote Donne. That's the issue.


Byron and Requiem start circling each other verbally, which isn't very effective because Requiem keeps quoting the poets most popular with English teachers. And then Bryon starts doing it too, because OF COURSE we're going to have a literary dick measuring contest in the back of a vampire's knockoff Chippendale's. 

And then, without any warning whatsoever, Bryon starts yanking Nathanial around by his hair. It's like post-work chatter, What Light Through Yonder Window Breaks, RANDOM ABUSE. Anita pulls a gun on Bryon (FINALLY AN APPROPRETE RESPONSE TO BAD BEHAVIOR) and Bryon says it's fine because Nate likes it.

YOU DID NOT ASK NATE IF HE WANTED TO HAVE HIS HAIR PULLED, ASSHOLE.

Nathaniel’s lips were half parted, his eyes fluttering closed, his face slack with pleasure. His body was tense with anticipation. He was enjoying the pain, enjoying being manhandled. Shit.

No. There is a major difference between consensual playacting between two adults who cleared everything with each other beforehand and got into the mindset for whatever game they want to play tonight, and being randomly attacked without any warning at all. It's the difference between actual sex and rape, bondage games and assault. Nate should not be having an orgasm over having his hair pulled until his neck is at a potentially life threatening angle, ESPECIALLY not with his long history of abuse. This should flip his fight-or-flight trigger, not his fuck-me trigger.

Byron stood there and watched him. “Duckie, this much reaction, you have been neglecting your boy.”

SUBMISSIVES AREN'T POTTED FUCKING PLANTS. THEY DON'T WILT IF YOU DON'T BALL GAG THEM ONCE A WEEK. Jesus.

Byron then introduces Anita to the concept of a switch--somebody who gets off on being both a dom and a sub. This is treated as revelatiory information, because it's not like Anita spends a TON of time around sex workers, is intimate with at least one major submissive, and is in and out of bondage clubs all the damn time.

...Wait.

“Feed the ardeur on me and Nathaniel, while I abuse him. If this is a preview, the energy will be amazing.”

BONDAGE IS NOT ABUSE. YOU SHOULD NOT BE USING THOSE WORDS INTERCHANGABLY.

Requiem gets pissy and expresses himself with more poetry. You know, because the brooding creative types do that. Did I mention he's dressed in a black velvet cape? AND NOTHING ELSE?

Bryon asks Requiem if he's considered just killing himself because Anita doesn't want him the way he wants her to.

These people are such pieces of shit.

Jean Claude comes in. He's wearing a Tuxedo...made of leather. With silk suspenders and no shirt.

Excuse me, I think I snorted something up my nose on that one.

Anita gets all hot and bothered, and then gets upset because she describes JC's cheekbones as being like a swallow's wing and that's not like her. It's another sign that someone's messing with her (Though my vote is LKH forgot which series she was writing for a minute) but we don't address that at all. Instead, Jean Claude and Lisandro argue over who Anita should pick as her next Animal to Call because the next one needs to be stronger.

Anita figures out that touching Jean Claude makes the whatever go away, so they have a breif makeout session. Jean Claude asks Requiem if he knows what this is, and Requiem says yes. They send Lisandro out and the chapter ends.

I don't have high hopes for the plot, but we're seven chapters in and nobody's had sex yet. Things are looking up.

Harlequin--chapter six

So my late Christmas present this year is a floor loom. I spent the latter half of today (post book) trying to figure out how to string the motherfucker. I have since learned that string means "Warp", which ought to involve Scotty but sadly does not. Also, "Warping" a loom is not a sad fate of nature, but rather this highly archaic art that involves strange contortions of the space-time continuum (FYI, I am AMAZED that no red squiggly lines appeared under continuum. HOW THE FUCK IS THAT CORRECT SPELLING) and also VERY slender double pointed knitting needles. I did not know that the human brain could think in that direction. Not that I am complaining. Fabric now exists that did not exist before, and I now have new pattern books to drool over, but I will probably regret my warping adventure tomorrow morning, as I am sure those muscles have not been used in quite the same way. (Also: CHECK YOUTUBE BEFORE ATTEMPTING NEW CRAFTS. If nothing else, it'll save several hundred yards of potential warp.)


The weird part, blog-readers, is that the Book to Come involved LOTS of research re: weaving and fabric production, and this was all done prior to the writing of said Book. I wrote said Book with an insufficant understanding of what Weaving entails. Now I have a greater understanding, and am impressed with my google-fu. FYI, my dears, the Textile Industry (with it's mostly female work-force) is responsible for most of modern technology. (Charles Babbage's Analytical Engine is based on a Jacquard Loom. If people weren't trying to weave birds via a punch-card system, you  might not be enjoying my lovely blog.) I would love to say that I bought said loom just for research purposes, but the loom came after the bog. Also, to avoid tooting my own horn, warping the motherfucker is HARD, and only Youtube helped me understand what, exactly, I should be doing in said attempt. (For potential weavers among my blog-readers: FRONT TO BACK. It is MUCH easier than warping back-to-front, which I still do not understand. Also, if any soul understands how to make a warp chain, PLEASE TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK I AM SUPPOSED TO DO. Crochet-chaining worked, but I still had lots of threads that weren't exactly done right.)\

I promise to post pictures of the (VERY FUCKING SMALL) strip of cloth I shall soon produce.

Seriously? And just looking at the "primitive" weaving patterns that came with The Loom? This is now my favorite thing in the universe. I'm probably going to attempt to weave a dress. Or at least a coat. Made of homespun. Because I can spin my own fucking yarn. I love this thing.

So how's Anita doing?

She's trying to open a link to Jean Claude, but he's still onstage at Guilty Pleasures.

Once, in our relationship, he’d meant that. He’d been my little submissive wereleopard. I’d worked long and hard to make him more, to force him to be more demanding. Try to do a good deed and it bites you on the ass.

Get fucked, Anita. Seriously. You're a worthless waste of skin.

 Last week Clay had been helping guard my body. No pun intended. There’d been a metaphysical accident, and it had looked for a while like I’d be turning into a wereanimal for real, so I’d had different lycanthropes with me so that whatever I changed into, I was covered. But I had gotten some control over it all, and it looked like I still wasn’t going to turn furry.

I do not remember Clay being mentioned. I remember a Graham (Coats) but I do not remember Clay, and I was watching pretty hard. Also: Anita being furry would be preferential to what we've currently got. It'd be a resolution, if nothing else. LKH apparently has the same Closure Allergy as JJ Abrams and Chris Carter. At this point we've got a better chance of a makeout scene between Fox Mulder and Captain Kirk as we do of getting resultion of any major Anitaverse plot point.

Anita assures Clay that she's fine. Clay checks with Nathanial to make sure that Anita really is fine. Way to go, confirming the female POV, LKH.

The noise was soft, murmurous, like the sea.

That's a real word? Okay, then.

They go into the club. Anita forgets that Holy Items are not allowed.

I spilled the cross inside my sweater. “Sorry, forgot.”

I now have this vision of somebody dumping a silver chain down Anita's front like it's a glass of fucking orange juice.

Also, given that the cross is the only thing keeping Mommie Dearest from invading Anita's every thought, and Anita's the club owner's girlfriend, wouldn't Jean Claude have sent a staff-wide memo re: Anita's religious artifacts? Given that the last place I worked made it VERY FUCKING CLEAR who got privileges and who did not, if Anita wants a cross, Anita fucking gets a cross.

Nathanial comes to her rescue. So nice, watching the female lead for this series get saved by a man.

The (female) coat check person keeps pushing until some (male) guards come over and confirm that Anita is Jean Claude's human servant, and she gets to keep her cross. I am so glad that gender roles are this well defined.

 Lisandro helped us ease through the room away from the door, but not quite to the tables, closer to the drink area. I would have said bar area, but they weren’t allowed to serve liquor. Yet another of the interesting zoning laws about strip clubs on this side of the river.

Gimme a sec. I need to research this.

Wikipedia opens with this sentence:

The alcohol laws of Missouri are among the least restrictive and most lax and permissive in the United States

Given that I am from Texas and am pretty familiar with our Blue Laws, I find myself questioning Anita's logic here. In fact, given what Wikipedia just said--

Blanket liquor laws without regard to alcohol percentage;Legalized public intoxication, which localities cannot override;No statewide prohibition on drinking in public, though nearly every municipality prohibits this on its own;No statewide vehicle open container law, allowing passengers in motor vehicles (but not drivers) to consume alcohol openly, though 31 localities do have local vehicle open container laws;[2]No limitations on the types of locations that can sell liquor off-premises, allowing even drug stores and gas stations to sell hard liquor;No blue laws besides slightly fewer hours for off-premises sales on Sundays and separate on-premises Sunday licenses;3:00 AM bar closing hours in St. Louis, Kansas City, and their surrounding areas;Legalized interstate shipments of less than five gallons of any lawfully-manufactured alcohol except wine;Forbidding a local option, prohibiting counties and cities from banning the retail sale of liquor;Permitting open containers on the street in the Power & Light District in Downtown Kansas City;Allowing residents over 21 to manufacture up to 200 gallons of any alcohol for personal use each year without any state limitation, license, or taxation;[3]Allowing parents and guardians to give alcohol to their children, though not to the level of neglect or abuse[4] I find myself contemplating a move to Missouri. Seriously, several of those laws made me feel very, very happy.

I find NO information re: Strip clubs and booze in Missouri. Given that Missouri doesn't have a open container in car law, and that's HUGE in Texas, I find it HIGHLY unlikely that a strip club would have prohibitons re: selling booze. Maybe after midnight, but I don't think it's quite that late.

In short: This is LKH's state. I think she ought to work in a bar for a few months.

I felt him use a small slap of power to capture her just enough to keep her hand out of his pants. It skirted the edge of legal, but the vamps had found that a tiny bit of control could keep them from getting hurt on stage. I’d seen bloody nail marks, and even a few bite marks, on Nathaniel and Jason. It was a lot more dangerous to strip for women than for men, apparently. All the dancers agreed that men behaved themselves better.

There it is in the text, folks. I don't think I need to say a fucking thing.

Anita reminds us that sex with Asher put her in the hospital, which I do not remember. Then we go into full cloak and dagger mode, as Anita now has to have bodyguards again. She does not like this very much. Neither do the bodyguards, who want to know what the fuck is going on. Anita tells them it is need to know, so suck it up.

Classy.

The Bodyguard of the day tells Anita he knows that her ardeur nearly killed Nate and Damian. Wow, ain't it great that the ENTIRE WORLD knows you'd rather KILL YOUR LOVERS than eat a fucking hamburger. Way to go, Anita.

The Guard keeps asking Antia about stuff we already know, like her multiple lycanthropy stuff and how she has to feed X number of hours. Nice info-dump, but I'd assume the bodyguards would be fully breifed and professional enough not to ask the client about shit they already know.

Lisandro frowned, then said, “I think Joseph was wrong when he forced you to send the werelion Haven back to Chicago. Joseph keeps trying to feed you his weak-assed pride of lions, and they aren’t any better than Nathaniel. No offense, even Joseph’s brother, Justin, isn’t that much stronger.”

What the fuck does LKH have against "Lesser" individuals trying to protect their people? This has been a consistant theme since Narcissus in Chains and it's getting fucking old. Also: Nate is a masochistic manipulative son of a bitch. Being a mas does not equal being a weakling. DO NOT underestimate him. He's playing Anita like a pro right now. He's not quite in charge, but he's third or fourth in line, and Anita is nowhere near fifth here.

Lisandro nodded. “I’ve got a record, too, juvie, but some bad stuff on it. My wife straightened me out. I think you could do the same for him.”
 “What, a good woman is all a bad boy needs to straighten his life out?”
 “If the woman has something that the man wants bad enough, yeah.” 
“What does that mean?” I asked. 

“It means I saw the way he looked at you. I smelled what effect the two of you had on each other. The only reason you didn’t have sex was that your head overruled the rest of you.”

I've lived through the above senario as a non-combatant. It's bullshit. LKH should know better than to perpetuate the whole bolded part there. For the record, kids, YOU are the only person YOU can control. Your sex partners are recreational. They have exactly NOTHING to do with your behavior, and if you think otherwise, you are a very sad sack of shit. Alternatively, kids, if you think you can change your partner? Please stop thinking that. The only person you can change is you. You cannot change your friend, your lover, or your worst enemy. Anybody who tells you otherwise is trying to keep you from leaving.

“I’ve seen Haven’s record. He doesn’t have anything on his sheet that I ain’t got on mine.”

Haven was a MOB ENFORCER. If this is true, Lisandro needs to go die.

“Lisandro is right on one thing, Anita. Joseph is scared. Everyone he’s thrown at you in the last few weeks has been wimpy— not just weak in power, but innocent. Your life doesn’t have room for innocents.”

SERIOUSLY. What does LKH have against sexual inexperience? Because that's how she defines "Innocent". It's like a virgin shit on her lawn or something.

He let me see in his face what he usually hid, that I was the innocent. That no matter how many people I killed in the line of duty, I’d never really know what he knew. “Do you think I was wrong to make Haven go back to Chicago?” “No, he scared me, but you need a werelion, and they need to know the score.”

I have no idea what LKH is pushing for, which probably means she's pushing for Haven as Anita's sex partner, even though she set it up as a mistake.

Also: Being a victim does not equal having the judgement, discernment and maturity to equal what LKH is going for. Nate has become the victimizer. He's just passive agressive about it.

“Two of the lions he sent you were virgins,” Nathaniel said. “You’re a succubus, Anita. You don’t give virgins over to something like that.”
 “You have to have had bad sex to appreciate really good sex,” Lisandro said.

I want whatever LKH is smoking, because those two paragraphs DO NOT follow each other.

The debate about how strong Joseph is as a were-lion continues, and I have no idea where the fuck this came from, because lions have NOTHING to do with the Harlequin at this point.

PLEASE tell me this will not involve a return of Haven AKA Cookie Monster. PLEASE.

 Chapter six ends with Anita thinking about how Joseph asking for Anita's protection basically gave her permission to play with his pride. End of chapter.

...I am not encouraged by the amount of nothing that happened in this chapter. This is going to suck, isn't it?