Caroline Flohr's Blog: Caroline Flohr, author's personal blog, page 2

THANKSGIVING. Where does it begin? Indeed, where does it end?

Nightly I complain that my sleep is broken. Our youngest children are afraid to sleep alone. My husband fidgets in bed. My faithful old yellow Lab has stomach issues. Morning seems to come too soon. I give thanks for the new day.

Each morning I shower and notice the stretch marks that cross my stomach. Nine years ago my teenage twin daughter died. A life short but complete. The pain has been horrendous. I give thanks for the sixteen years we shared.

It’s 8:10 Monday morning. My two youngest girls are bickering in the back seat as we drive to school. The argument makes no sense. I focus on the road and remain silent. I give thanks for the static. My children who live are healthy.

My grocery cart loaded, I wait at the checkout stand. The young woman in front of me counts her change as her two children look on. There isn’t extra to pay for their basics. I reach into my purse. I give thanks that I have enough for me and enough to share.

The next week at the grocery store, I watch an old Asian woman in front of me search her purse. The lady behind the counter waits. The lady behind me stares. School has ended. My children need a ride to their activities. The old woman turns to me, confused. Ten minutes have passed. I smile and reach into my wallet. She reminds me of an old widowed neighbor without family who befriended me when I first moved to our island. I’d been divorced, alone with three children. I haven’t seen that neighbor in months. I promise to visit her. I give thanks for the day’s pause.

I complain about our government and time and money wasted jabbing about policy. Nobody ever seems to agree on anything. It’s like an attic in an old house that needs a thorough cleaning. I give thanks that I live in America and that the freedom of speech is mine.

It’s almost midnight and our house is a mess. The kitchen is loaded with dishes. My treasured carpet has a red wine stain. The party is over. I give thanks for all my friendships.

My jeans aren’t as comfortable as they usually are. I check my belt to see if it’s cinched an extra notch. My white T-shirt clings to my mid-section outlining my love-handles. I give thanks for the plentiful good food that fills my belly.

As I race for the ferryboat in Seattle the old Native American standing at the corner of First Avenue holds up his sign as if he is a crossing guard. The sign reads, “SMILE.”  Our eyes connect. I smile back as I look for his bucket for handouts. Circumstances have led to our differences. In God’s eye we are all the same. I give thanks for my faith.

Alzheimer’s overtakes my grandfather’s last few years. I don’t understand why death has to be so cruel. I remember all the Sunday night Chinese take-out dinners, the wood fires, road trips to Harrison Hot Springs, jaunts to the trout farm, afternoon naps in the basement…I give thanks for my family.

Thanksgiving day, six years ago, my grandmother died, her mind intact as her organs slowly shut down. Her oldest grandchild held her hand as she passed from this world to the next. As the coroner removed her body from her apartment, I put the turkey in the oven. Later that afternoon we gathered as a family, giving thanks while celebrating life.

Thanksgiving. Where does it begin? Indeed, where does it end?

 

 

 

HOW DO YOU DEFINE WOMEN WITH POWER?

Last Thursday I attended a small gathering at Le Rev Bakery in Seattle. Atop Queen Anne hill, Le Rev is my favorite hangout. Besides the perfect cup of coffee, the bakery has authentic French pastries, a unique breakfast salad, and a turkey gobbler sandwich that tangs my mouth. Hosted by Shelly Roberts and Judy Yu of Strategy Clicks, the topic of the morning was “Women With Power.” I didn’t consider myself a “woman with power” so the invitation was unexpected. But I expected the women invited would be handpicked, and I knew the pastries would be scrumptious and plentiful. I knew enough to know that this was an opportunity not to be missed.

After introductions, Andrea, the owner of Le Rev, said, “I have three daughters. I want them to be strong and confidant as they get older. “ What Andrea wanted for her daughters I wanted for mine. I listened closely as Shelly’s energy ramped up.

Over the course of two hours we shared personal stories, descriptions of women who we admired, and considered our female heroes. We compiled lists of words, negative and positive. We worked in small groups and as a large group, sharing it all.

Shelly and Judy led the way, showing us that we must think differently to change the way we lead with power. They focused on the how to think, not the what to think.

At the end of the two hours I walked away with a new definition of power.  I now think of a woman with power as a woman with ENERGY and FOCUS and STRENGTH and CONFIDENCE. That’s true beauty to me. The conversation confirmed that there are “stages and ages,” and that at each stage of life, a woman with power means something different. Another key is being GENEROUS with time. I promise to focus on that trait. Role modeling for other women, especially those young women just beginning their careers, and those still younger who are finding their way through high school and college has to take precedence. I agreed with TENACITY, that being tenacious is how things get accomplished. That work and life must be FUN. Fun keeps the energy alive and life interesting. And that it’s okay to be a BOLD, BOSSY woman who takes charge when taking charge is done with COMPASSION and KINDNESS and HONESTY.

Women are the difference in today’s world. Opportunities are abundant. It’s all in the “how” we go about our business.

How do you define women with power? What words come to mind? Whether you are a stay-at-home mother or in the workforce, how can women lead best? Let our best attributes shine!

CONNECTION: THE POWER OF BONDING

I believe that what matters in the end are the connections I leave behind. When I connect with others and the world around me, my life fills with meaning and purpose.

Each time I connect with someone a bond is established. But connecting is a process for me. When I’m comfortable connecting comes easy. But when uncomfortable, like among a large group of people– and it doesn’t matter whether I know them or not–it’s more of a process and I am fully aware of that awkward feeling. So I take a deep breath and try to soften my limbs. When my mind and body are relaxed, and when I listen more than I talk, connecting is easier.

In his spiritual guide for teens, Fire in the Heart, Deepak Chopra details the “how-to” specifics:

• Look in the other person’s eyes with acceptance.

• Show that you understand their point of view.

• Don’t rush to make your point of view seem right.

• Show respect in every situation, even when you feel angry and argue. Both sides of an argument need to be able to walk away feeling respected.

• Be willing to compromise.

• Do your best to feel what the other person feels. Put yourself in their position.

• If you are in a bad mood, tell the other person that it is not their fault.

• Give the other person the gift of approval, smiles and laughter.

• Make some sort of physical contact if it is appropriate, showing with a light touch on the shoulders, a hug, or shaking hands that you feel close.

• Show in your body language that you feel relaxed around the other person. Relaxed body language means that your arms and legs aren’t crossed; your shoulders are lowered; you face them directly, not turning to one side; and your facial muscles are relaxed.

I believe that connecting with the world around us should be practiced daily. Soften our hearts. Be generous with our smiles and the touch of hands. Have fun. Let’s work at it together.

 

APPLYING TO COLLEGE TODAY …WHAT TO CONSIDER FIRST.

It’s November. College applications are due. High school seniors have whittled choices to a stack of hopefuls. The window to submit applications has shortened. The pressure is on. Stress is high. Everyone’s talking, especially the parents.

Some teenagers know exactly what they want to do and where they want to be. Some know that college isn’t for them. If you fall into one of these two categories, please note that this post is not for you. This is for all those who don’t know exactly what they want to do, or where they want to be.

Last year at this time, as my middle child prepared applications, a friend who’d never had children gave me the best advice about college that I’d ever heard.

Her background is important. She had a career at a Fortune 100 company, and part of that time she traveled the country interviewing college graduates for investment and banking jobs. As she explained, time available to interview was limited to about 15 schools per year. So she chose to visit universities in cities with forward-thinking companies.

She reasoned. “Go to any college, walk the campus, and look at the names on the buildings. Those local companies are funding the school. Those companies are also hiring the best and the brightest from that school.” I didn’t disagree. “Let’s consider a private or out-of-state school versus our large in-state institutions. Probably you have smaller classes, professors instead of teacher’s assistants, and maybe, deeper conservations. Maybe the campus is smaller, the social life more inviting. Maybe your college experience is more what you had in mind for your child. But the cost of that private or out-of-state institution is more than $50K/year, more than twice as much as your best state school. Then there’s a monthly allowance, travel expenses, books, fees…it adds up fast. When you graduate student loans could be more than $200K.” I found myself focusing on each word as if it were a script. Then, as her voice slowed, I listened with more focus. “Do you really want your child to start out burdened with all that debt? How old will they be when they can buy a car or qualify for a home mortgage? Life is only getting more expensive.What about graduating with that first job? I understand that college is an experience and an important part of growing up. Every child should have the opportunity to go to college. But I don’t understand why parents keep talking about these small prestigious schools or the out-of-state universities. Unless parents can carry the tuition load, they’re sending their kids down the wrong path.”

Conversation got specific as it turned to the University of Washington, just a ferryboat ride away. Buildings across the campus had names that I recognized. Tuition was half that of any private school. I remembered the large checks written to pay for the small private institution that my oldest child attended. She transferred to the UW in her junior year. I’ll never forget the relief felt when the UW tuition bill arrived in my inbox. And I felt even greater relief when she graduated in 2010, when jobs for graduates were most scarce, but she was one of the lucky few. She started work immediately at Microsoft. Guess what she majored in? Political science.

My friend’s reasoning made sense. “I don’t understand why parents push their kids to private schools or these out-of-state institutions unless their kids know what they want and where they want to be. Seems to me that parents are confusing their egos with reality when graduation arrives.” There wan’t anything more to say.

Yes, I want my middle child to learn how to think, not what to think. A small liberal arts college may serve that ideal better. Yes, college should provide a social experience. But most important, I want my child to graduate with a good job and minimal student loans. I know he will work hard during these years and make the most of his time at the UW. And I am confident that hard work will be rewarded with opportunity.

My youngest children are 9 and 10 years old. Competition will increase dramatically between now and when they start college. There is always community college to consider. After two years at one of our community colleges and maintaining a relative GPA, students are guaranteed admittance as a junior at the UW. Thank goodness thoughts of college can rest on the back burner for several more years.

How best can we help our children choose the right college today? Goodness knows, we all want our children to be successful.

 

TO LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE MUST YOU BE VULNERABLE?

To live my best life, I know that I must live with authenticity. To live with authenticity, I know I must be vulnerable. I must be willing to let go of who I think I should be. I must open up and be seen. And that scares me.

To be vulnerable, I must have the courage to be imperfect. I must have the compassion to be kind to myself. I must remember that what makes me vulnerable is what makes me beautiful. I must believe that I am enough.

So when I choose to show my vulnerability, do I need to know that you are worthy of that vulnerability? Do I need to question your sense of worthiness? Maybe the question I should be asking is, “Are you worthy of connecting with me?” Certainly connection is why I’m here. Connection is what gives purpose and meaning to my life. I have learned that what matters in the end are the connections I leave behind.

My grandmother would always say, “Get to know someone, Caroline dear, before trusting them with your heart.” In other words, pay attention to that which I choose to let into my life.

My mother would always tell me, “Never put anything in writing. It might be used against you.” In other words, pay attention to how you open yourself to the world. Goodness knows she holds my heart in her gentle hands like a snow globe.

But I write. That’s what I love to do. I write true and honest stories from a mother’s heart to share with the world. My first publication, Heaven’s Child, is an intimate memoir about family, tragedy, and a small community. It’s a story that makes you think, feel, and maybe cry. It’s that raw story written with too much honesty. But you know…it’s probably the most important story I will ever share. I bare my soul to the world in Heaven’s Child. Maybe I’m naïve. But I’d rather be vulnerable and live my best life, loving with my whole heart.

To live your best life, must you be vulnerable?

- See more at: http://www.carolineflohr.com/to-be-or...

TO BE OR NOT TO BE VULNERABLE?

To live my best life, I know that I must live with authenticity. To live with authenticity, I know I must be vulnerable. I must be willing to let go of who I think I should be. I must open up and be seen. And that scares me.

To be vulnerable, I must have the courage to be imperfect. I must have the compassion to be kind to myself. I must remember that what makes me vulnerable is what makes me beautiful. I must believe that I am enough.

So when I choose to show my vulnerability, do I need to know that you are worthy of that vulnerability?  Do I need to question your sense of worthiness? Maybe the question I should be asking is, “Are you worthy of connecting with me?” Certainly connection is why I’m here.  Connection is what gives purpose and meaning to my life. I have learned that what matters in the end are the connections I leave behind.

My grandmother would always say, “Get to know someone, Caroline dear, before trusting them with your heart.” In other words, pay attention to that which I choose to let into my life.

My mother would always tell me, “Never put anything in writing. It might be used against you.” In other words, pay attention to how you open yourself to the world. Goodness knows she holds my heart in her gentle hands like a snow globe.

But I write. That’s what I love to do. I write true and honest stories from a mother’s heart to share with the world. My first publication, Heaven’s Child, is an intimate memoir about family, tragedy, and a small community. It’s a story that makes you think, feel, and maybe cry. It’s that raw story written with too much honesty. But you know…it’s probably the most important story I will ever share. I bare my soul to the world in Heaven’s Child. Maybe I’m naïve. But I’d rather be vulnerable and live my best life, loving with my whole heart.

To live your best life, must you be vulnerable?

 

RUNNING IS GOOD FOR YOUR SOUL.

Do you love to run?

When I was young I remember my grandmother covering her face when we left the house. Her skin was like porcelain, beautifully white and soft, with barely a wrinkle, but always a smile. She didn’t use any fancy soaps or creams. Turns out that even a hint of wind brushing her skin caused pain. My mom explained that it had something to do with her nerve endings. She died when she was 92.

When I was 40 one of my five children died. My twin daughter was only 16. She didn’t like running or walking. I needed to dodge the pain. So I started running.

Now, nine years later, I run because that’s when I feel most alive. I run with the daughter who now lives within me. We talk as the birds sing and the leaves fall. I’m sure she can hear me gasp for breath as the trail steepens. I hear her voice as clearly as I hear the foghorns of ferries and tugs sift through the trees. When the rain and wind slap my face I see my grandmother standing beside the nearest tree. I smell her as vividly as I smell the cedars lining the path. As I touch the bark I imagine my hand resting against her cheek. I watch for roots as I plant my heels and roll forward. The morning dew in the high grass soaks my shoes as I cross the field. Sagging blackberry bramble scratch my shin. Nettles hit my thighs. Memories of those who have passed before me make me smile. Some confuse me. Thoughts turn to those friends who can hardly walk due to illness. Thoughts turn to those friends who will never walk again. I run for each of them. I dodge the cobwebs. It’s fall. The earth is pulling back.

When I run, my five senses turn to six. All are active and on high alert. My focus is crisp. I feel strong and free. I am alive when I run.

Why do you love to run?

- See more at: http://www.carolineflohr.com/why-i-lo...

WHY I LOVE TO RUN

When I was young I remember my grandmother covering her face when we left the house. Her skin was like porcelain, beautifully white and soft, with barely a wrinkle, but always a smile. She didn’t use any fancy soaps or creams. Turns out that even a hint of wind brushing her skin caused pain. My mom explained that it had something to do with her nerve endings. She died when she was 92.

When I was 40 one of my five children died. My twin daughter was only 16. She didn’t like running or walking. I needed to dodge the pain. So I started running.

Now, nine years later, I run because that’s when I feel most alive. I run with the daughter who now lives within me. We talk as the birds sing and the leaves fall. I’m sure she can hear me gasp for breath as the trail steepens. I hear her voice as clearly as I hear the foghorns of ferries and tugs sift through the trees. When the rain and wind slap my face I see my grandmother standing beside the nearest tree. I smell her as vividly as I smell the cedars lining the path. As I touch the bark I imagine my hand resting against her cheek. I watch for roots as I plant my heels and roll forward. The morning dew in the high grass soaks my shoes as I cross the field. Sagging blackberry bramble scratch my shin. Nettles hit my thighs. Memories of those who have passed before me make me smile. Some confuse me. Thoughts turn to those friends who can hardly walk due to illness. Thoughts turn to those friends who will never walk again. I run for each of them. I dodge the cobwebs. It’s fall. The earth is pulling back.

When I run, my five senses turn to six. All are active and on high alert. My focus is crisp. I feel strong and free. I am alive when I run.

Why do you love to run?

 

IS MONEY THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL?

My stomach always cramps when this question is switched to a statement. When someone throws that into conversation, I never agree but I never challenge it either. What’s wrong with money? Having money in the bank brings some security, buys some happiness, and seems to make life somewhat easier. I like having some extra money.

Money’s a funny thing. What I have noticed is that if you are lucky enough to be born with an inheritance, that wealth comes with a responsibility all its own…as well as its fair share of judgments from those outside your circle. On the other hand, that inheritance can also rip families apart. I have also noticed that if you are of the lucky few to earn your fortune, unfair judgments still pass your way and wanted or unwanted responsibilities are yours, too.  You can marry into money or maybe even be the lucky recipient of a winning lotto ticket. I think that people and money have an odd relationship, often cruel and misunderstood.

But last Sunday at Mass during the sermon, the visiting priest clarified that statement for me. He referenced the biblical verse 1 Timothy 6:10.

The love of money is the root of all evil.

And then I understood. It’s ‘the love of’ part I’d been missing all these years.

There is nothing wrong with money. It’s what you do with your money. When you use your money to serve, goodness reigns. Our world and its people are the beneficiaries of that goodness. It’s when money rules that problems arise. When money leads to power, relationships are manipulated and destroyed. What is true then hides and good intentions are never realized.

There are many needs in our world today, too many needs that go unrecognized.  Maybe by changing our relationship with money, recognizing the goodness that can come when money serves, maybe money will become the root of all goodness, instead of the root of all evil.

Two cents for your thoughts about money?

 

BILLY GRAHAM’S PRAYER FOR OUR NATION

After yesterday’s post about Pope Francis and his first interview shared with the world, this post sums things up a bit more conservatively, definitely a bit more bluntly. Seems that at 95 years old Billy Graham, Jr. – our homegrown American Christian evangelist, has a good view of what’s happening to our country.

Heavenly Father, we come before you today to ask your forgiveness and to seek your direction and guidance. We know Your Word says, ‘Woe to those who call evil good,’ but that is exactly what we have done. We have lost our spiritual equilibrium and reversed our values. We have exploited the poor and called it the lottery. We have rewarded laziness and called it welfare. We have killed our unborn and called it choice. We have shot abortionists and called it justifiable. We have neglected to discipline our children and called it building self esteem. We have abused power and called it politics. We have coveted our neighbor’s possessions and called it ambition. We have polluted the air with profanity and pornography and called it freedom of expression. We have ridiculed the time-honored values of our forefathers and called it enlightenment. Search us, Oh God, and know our hearts today; cleanse us from sin and set us free. Amen!’

 

With the Lord’s help, may this prayer sweep over our nation and wholeheartedly become our desire so that we once again can be called ‘One nation under God!’ Think about this: If you forward this prayer to everyone on your e-mail list, in less than 30 days it would be heard by the world.

Please share this prayer with your friends, family, and connections. Only goodness can come of it.