Pamela Roller's Blog, page 4

How Do You Develop Deep, Lasting Love? — Pam Roller

How do you know when it’s real love?

You know those feelings you get when you fall in love: The zinging sensations, the floating on air, the exhilaration, the sparkling newness of it all. Not to mention the physical attraction that hits you like a Mack truck.

The media knows all about these feelings. The media hands the pursuit of love at us in the form of novels, articles, movies, songs, gimmicks, advertisements, junk mail…we are inundated with constant reminders of the love we’ll experience if only we find the right person, lose weight, experience that first kiss, buy that diamond, go on that vacation, spend the money. The media knows all about falling in love, and they jab endlessly at our tender emotions and egos.

Fast forward to AFTER—Always Forever Turns into End of Romance.

So you find your perfect love, but AFTER that, the initial spark wears off, and you discover that the person you thought you were so deeply in love with and made you gloriously happy and fulfilled you sexually is just another person with needs and wants that you might not be able to fill. You’re just not happy anymore. The spark is gone. It’s time to get out of this relationship, you decide, and find someone else who will make you gloriously happy. AFTER might take months or years to occur.

But there’s more to love than finding someone who makes you feel like gold. AFTER the shine is dulled, the question becomes, how do you retain deep, lasting love?

Much of it is realizing that the initial crazy rapture we feel is not really deep love at all, but a surface attraction and excitement of something new and different. Or it could be the challenge of the conquest. Or maybe we run after love, intent on filling a void within us, however temporarily.

Whatever the reason, we realize that deep and intimate love for others has to start with love and respect for ourselves. Only when we can love ourselves, unconditionally and steadily, can we develop real love for someone else—a depth of adoration that transcends surface appreciation, a delight in giving to that person without expecting anything back.

A love like this develops over time and takes work, but to have it is the greatest joy on earth. If you attain it, don’t let go. True love is hard to find.

I want to hear from you. How did you fall in love, and at what point did it become deep, lasting love?

What do You Love about Halloween? — Pam Roller

Halloween’s excitement for me has changed over the years, but never dissipated. When I was a child, the delicious anticipation of Halloween night was not only the costume, but also the knowledge that I’d be receiving several pounds of candy into my paper grocery bag. One chilly, leaf-strewn night in our Centreville, Virginia neighborhood, my brother Don Winger and I sprinted—and I mean sprinted—from house to house during the two hours we were granted by our parents, and collected our sweet loot. For the next three days I sat at the edge of my bed and consumed so much candy I got sick.

As a young adult, Halloween parties rocked. One year I was a mermaid, wearing a t-shirt with airbrushed breasts, and a turquoise fish tail. The party at my house was in full swing when the doorbell rang. A boy of around ten stood on my porch, dressed as a cowboy…a gaping cowboy with wide eyes, his gaze riveted on my chest. He did not stay long enough to collect his candy. I’m wondering if he ever got over what he (thought he) saw.

Fast forward ten years. When my son was three, I cut up a gallon milk jug and painted it to look like a Virginia Tech football helmet, then outfitted him with pads in his shirt and pants. As an older kid, all his costumes involved some sort of weapon: swords, maces, hatchets, laser guns. He’d be in love with the costume, but our jaunts out to the more candy-rich neighborhoods every year lasted barely 45 minutes. He was done with Halloween by the time he turned twelve.

These days, Halloween is not such a big deal, but it’s fun to re-watch all the horror movies and yell at the female characters who don’t have enough sense to defend themselves. I read scary stories and more scary stories. Son and husband carve pumpkins and I roast the seeds.

The scents, the flavors, the memories, the rituals–these are what I love about Halloween.

I’d love to hear from you. What do you love about Halloween? And what is your favorite scary story?

Recommended Read: Haunted Virginia: Legends, Myths, and True Tales

Are Men Sex Objects? — Pam Roller

Are men considered sex objects?

The sexual objectification of men is where the role reversal of women and men over the years has led to more men being seen as sex objects, which has led to some men having a negative body image of themselves.

How do men feel when they’re seen as a sex object, or gawked at by women? Do they feel disrespected or used? Are they pressured to look sexy all the time?

And what about men who are expected to have a society-defined masculine physique, but they’re just not built that way?

Should men be in control all the time? Should they be powerful both physically and emotionally? How do men feel about the whole alpha male thing?

Questions, questions.

I want to hear from you. Do you think men are portrayed as sex objects? Why or why not?

Edgar Allan Poe’s Lost Loves — Pam Roller

“I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity.”

― Edgar Allan Poe

October 7 marks the anniversary of the death of Edgar Allan Poe. Edgar often wrote about lost love, and he certainly had the life experience to do so.

His father left the family and his mother died when Edgar was just a toddler. Edgar spent his childhood and teenage years with foster parents, wealthy tobacco merchant John Allan and his wife Frances Allan, in Richmond, Virginia. They never adopted him. He attended the University of Virginia at the age of 17 with good grades but very little money provided by Allan, and by the end of his first term dropped out and returned to Richmond to be with his fiancée, Elmira Royster. Alas, Elmira had dumped him and was engaged to someone else. Off Edgar went to join the United States Army.

He was twenty when Frances Allan, dying of tuberculosis, asked to see him. By the time he returned to Richmond, she had been buried.

John Allan sent Edgar to West Point, but then remarried without telling Edgar. Offended and angry, Edgar got himself expelled and, alone and broke, moved to the home of his late father. A relative, Maria Clemm, took him in. Edgar fell in love with Maria’s daughter, Virginia.

After John Allan died, Edgar discovered he’d been left out of the will. Edgar had started publishing his stories, though, and eventually landed an editorial position at a magazine in Richmond. He gained a reputation as a critical reviewer, throwing a one-two punch: he wrote scathing remarks about some of the books he reviewed, and he insulted the authors of those books.

When Edgar was twenty-seven, he moved Maria and Virginia Clemm, who was thirteen years old, to Richmond, and married Virginia.

Barely able to make a living with his writing career, Edgar championed higher wages for writers as well as an international copyright law.

One afternoon in 1842 while playing the piano, Virginia broke a blood vessel, indicating the first signs of tuberculosis. Five years later, during which Edgar drank increasingly and grew more depressed, she died. Overcome by grief, Edgar continued to work but suffered from poor health and financial struggle.

Deep in earth my love is lying

And I must weep alone.

From 1847 to 1849, Edgar loved other women. He was engaged to the poetess Sarah Helen Whitman for about a month. Upon discovering that Elmira Royster Shelton was now a widow, he began to court her once again. Alas, a marriage was not to be.

Alone

From childhoods hour I have not been

As others were – I have not seen

As others saw – I could not bring

My passions from a common spring

From the same source I could not have taken

My sorrow; I could not awaken

My heart to joy at the same tone

And all I lov’d, I lov’d alone…

No one is really sure what happened during Edgar’s last days. He took the train to Philadelphia, but there is speculation that he got on the wrong train and went to Baltimore instead. He disappeared for five days and then was found half-conscious and taken to Washington College Hospital. He died on October 7, 1849, at forty years old. His last words were, “Lord, help my poor soul.” Neither his mother-in-law nor his fiancée knew what had happened to him until they read about his death in the newspaper.

Add your comments about Poe. I’d love to hear from you!

Love in the Workplace — Pam Roller

It happens. You get a job in a company and love what you do. You spend eight or more hours a day with coworkers who share your skills, education, job interests, and work ethic. Attraction blooms. Maybe you look into the person’s eyes, and you just know. Or it may take awhile. At some point you find your fingers touching your co-worker’s while reaching for the same menu or sticky note or financial report. You just happen to “bump into each other” more and more in the hall or the break room.  Love settles over the two of you like a light, happy cloak, then tightens its hold until you’re wrapped up together tighter than a straightjacket.

Workplace love. It’s wonderful. It’s exhilarating. Is it wrong? Depends.

Workplace romances are tricky. CareerBuilder.com says you should check your company policy on dating. And be careful about dating your boss or your subordinate. Nearly one in five people have admitted to dating their boss, but supervisor/subordinate relationships are often frowned upon as these may lead to sexual harassment cases. Social recruiter and strategist Meghan M. Biro states in Glassdoor’s blog that boss/employee relationships can lead to job jeopardy and co-worker jealousy as well as fodder for the rumor mill.

Hey baby, meet me in the copy room after work

So you’re dating your co-worker. You’re not alone. Glassdoor’s survey revealed that 51% of workers gave a thumbs up on co-worker romance. One in ten people have had sex in the workplace and one in five have thought about doing it. However, 54% agreed that ending a romance led to workplace awkwardness. 38% of people have dated a co-worker over the course of their career, and 31% of these romances led to marriage. While 63% were open about their workplace relationships, 37% kept theirs secret (careerbuilder.com). If you do form a love relationship with a co-worker, keep personal relationship issues outside work and work issues outside the relationship. Glassdoor’s career and workplace expert Rusty Rueff adds that you should keep it confidential until you’re sure you have a lasting relationship.

Watch Vault’s Job Talk: Office Romance video for street interviews about co-worker relationships.

Health Guidance advises workers to stay away from anyone who is married. Having an adulterous relationship with someone at work can be detrimental for your career, not to mention your character. Also, keep your hands off each other at work to avoid your own

embarrassment as well as discomfort and “get a room” comments among your fellow co-workers. Keep your company emails to each other business as usual since your company may monitor these. Finally, be sure to continue your social relationships with your co-workers instead of limiting your break times to only your love interest.

Have you ever dated a co-worker? Boss? Subordinate? Share your story.

Are You a Social Butterfly or a Non-social Flutterby?

Are you an introvert?

Do you cringe when you receive an invitation for a friend or acquaintance’s jewelry show, Pampered Chef show, wedding shower, small group setting, etc.? I do. The first thing I think about is having to socialize with a crowd of people.

I am not a social butterfly. I am a social flutterby. We are the introverts, the folks who would rather be with just a few people, or alone. Introverts are happy just being by themselves. We tend to flutter past social events.
Introverts...

How do you develop deep, lasting love?

How do you know when it's real love?
You know those feelings you get when you fall in love: The zinging sensations, the floating on air, the exhilaration, the sparkling newness of it all. Not to mention the physical attraction that hits you like a Mack truck.

The media knows all about these feelings. The media hands the pursuit of love at us in the form of novels, articles, movies, songs, gimmicks, advertisements, junk mail...we are inundated with constant reminders of the love we'll experienc...