Charlie Bray's Blog - Posts Tagged "aristocracy"
6 ways to save Downton Abbey
What I don’t get is that when Lord Grantham explained to his wife that he’d blown her entire fortune on some obscure Canadian stock, and Downton Abbey was doomed, she put her arms around him lovingly and told him not to worry.
Now either this emphasizes the wide gulf between the ethos of the classes or I, Charlie Bray, have married a wrong ‘un. If I raided her Post Office Savings and placed them on a dead cert at Sandown, I wouldn’t be guaranteed a warm reception if it lost. I’d more likely be searching the yellow pages for testicle implants.
The reasons for this difference in attitude could be the fact that we’re from Barnsley where ‘there’s nowt wrong wi’ right folk’, or that a bookie is not as acceptable as stock broker, or that Lady Cora is an idiot, or that my wife lied when she took me for richer or poorer. Either way, Lord Grantham and his castle are in the doo-doo.
And if you and your stately home are in the doo-doo, all you can do is embark upon a journey of damage limitation and either flog it or save it.
And here I can help. Having written ‘Open House’, the start of a family saga based at the fictitious Cove Castle, which suffered similar difficulties, I racked my brains for many months for ways to save it and its family and staff from extinction. So I now know what works and what ends in disaster. Here we go Lord Grantham, get your notebook out.
Do:
1. Erect an enormous marquee in the grounds and let it out for sundry events such as dog shows. I’ve already got visions of a tall, lithe blond haired bloke mincing at speed whilst parading his Afghan Hound.
2. Host Ghost Tours. A place as old as Downton is sure to have the odd ghost knocking about. If it doesn’t, hire some from Chillingham Castle in Northumberland, they’ve got scores of them there.
3. Hold an open day, sit Lord Grantham in a deck chair on the Great Lawn, and let him conduct a surgery where random peasants doff their caps and seek his advice. He could tell them how to be on ‘a promise’ by nicking their wife’s life savings.
4. Allow a period drama to be filmed at the castle. Choose a day when Downton Abbey is actually being filmed and you’d have the glorious vision of a film crew filming a film crew filming life at a pretend Downton Abbey in a pretend Downton Abbey – or something.
5. Hold a shoot in the nearby woods and, whilst earning money for the Abbey, arrange for a couple of surplus staff or family to be taken out, thereby cutting down on expenditure. A good way of killing two birds with one stone. See what I did there?
6. Tap your future son in law up for a few million, and re-assure him he can always get it back by swindling his missus later in Downton’s history.
Don’t:
1. Grow marijuana in the vegetable plot section of your gardens. It will spoil the balance lovingly created by old Capability himself, and doubtless lead to a police raid and spoil your open day.
2. Allow activist squatters to occupy the best three staterooms in the house. It will cut the number of rooms available for house tours dramatically.
3. Allow guests in the house to engage in smuggling. It’ll upset the ghosts.
4. Pay all your bills by giving away family heirlooms. It leaves horrible gaps on the walls.
5. Aggravate the general public. They will try to assassinate you.
6. Throw gargoyles from the roof. It will damage the family Roller.
And how do I know why the Dos work and the Don’ts don’t work.
Because it’s all in the book.
What book?
My Book! ‘Open House’! Click on the link on my profile and buy it. It’s less than a dollar and less than a pound.
Shameless promotion I know, but I really want you to read it.
Go on, have a laugh.
Now either this emphasizes the wide gulf between the ethos of the classes or I, Charlie Bray, have married a wrong ‘un. If I raided her Post Office Savings and placed them on a dead cert at Sandown, I wouldn’t be guaranteed a warm reception if it lost. I’d more likely be searching the yellow pages for testicle implants.
The reasons for this difference in attitude could be the fact that we’re from Barnsley where ‘there’s nowt wrong wi’ right folk’, or that a bookie is not as acceptable as stock broker, or that Lady Cora is an idiot, or that my wife lied when she took me for richer or poorer. Either way, Lord Grantham and his castle are in the doo-doo.
And if you and your stately home are in the doo-doo, all you can do is embark upon a journey of damage limitation and either flog it or save it.
And here I can help. Having written ‘Open House’, the start of a family saga based at the fictitious Cove Castle, which suffered similar difficulties, I racked my brains for many months for ways to save it and its family and staff from extinction. So I now know what works and what ends in disaster. Here we go Lord Grantham, get your notebook out.
Do:
1. Erect an enormous marquee in the grounds and let it out for sundry events such as dog shows. I’ve already got visions of a tall, lithe blond haired bloke mincing at speed whilst parading his Afghan Hound.
2. Host Ghost Tours. A place as old as Downton is sure to have the odd ghost knocking about. If it doesn’t, hire some from Chillingham Castle in Northumberland, they’ve got scores of them there.
3. Hold an open day, sit Lord Grantham in a deck chair on the Great Lawn, and let him conduct a surgery where random peasants doff their caps and seek his advice. He could tell them how to be on ‘a promise’ by nicking their wife’s life savings.
4. Allow a period drama to be filmed at the castle. Choose a day when Downton Abbey is actually being filmed and you’d have the glorious vision of a film crew filming a film crew filming life at a pretend Downton Abbey in a pretend Downton Abbey – or something.
5. Hold a shoot in the nearby woods and, whilst earning money for the Abbey, arrange for a couple of surplus staff or family to be taken out, thereby cutting down on expenditure. A good way of killing two birds with one stone. See what I did there?
6. Tap your future son in law up for a few million, and re-assure him he can always get it back by swindling his missus later in Downton’s history.
Don’t:
1. Grow marijuana in the vegetable plot section of your gardens. It will spoil the balance lovingly created by old Capability himself, and doubtless lead to a police raid and spoil your open day.
2. Allow activist squatters to occupy the best three staterooms in the house. It will cut the number of rooms available for house tours dramatically.
3. Allow guests in the house to engage in smuggling. It’ll upset the ghosts.
4. Pay all your bills by giving away family heirlooms. It leaves horrible gaps on the walls.
5. Aggravate the general public. They will try to assassinate you.
6. Throw gargoyles from the roof. It will damage the family Roller.
And how do I know why the Dos work and the Don’ts don’t work.
Because it’s all in the book.
What book?
My Book! ‘Open House’! Click on the link on my profile and buy it. It’s less than a dollar and less than a pound.
Shameless promotion I know, but I really want you to read it.
Go on, have a laugh.
