Man Martin's Blog, page 193

Slouching To Authorgeddon: Pt IV

According to a study by Lulu, a provider of print on demand books, each year shows a rise in the number of people who have published a book, accompanied by a decline in the number of people who have read one.  Extrapolating these figures suggests that in 2052, we will reach "Authorgeddon," when "the number of new number of new books published in America will first surpass the number of Americans who read even a single book each year."
So if it seems like everyone has written a novel these days, maybe they have.

In Search of the "Satan Particle"

Finding Higgs Boson, the so-called "God Particle" is okay, if you're into that sort of thing, but when you get right down to it, what physicists ought to be searching for is the "Satan Particle."  I know, I know, all about the fundamental building blocks of the universe, and unlocking the secret of creation, and all that, blah, blah, blah.  But how much time do most of us spend dealing with fundamental building blocks of the universe?  I don't need to understand the forces that hold things together nearly so much as the ones that tear them apart.
The reality of a Satan Particle, an infinitesimal little bit of nothing that infallibly screws things up, can be proven by the following thought experiment.
Imagine two identical twins, born on the same day to the same parents (actually, I covered all that when I said they were twins, didn't I?)  One stays on earth, and one boards a spaceship that travels around the galaxy at speeds approaching the velocity of light.  The one aboard the spaceship will discover that all of his clocks seem to be running slower, and when he replaces the batteries on one, it will just flash "1:00" and he won't be able to figure out how to reset it.  Meanwhile, the one who has stayed back on earth will find his toilet is doing something funny, and no matter how he jiggles the handle, it keeps running.  His wife will tell him maybe they should call the plumber, and remember what happened the time he tried to fix the water heater.  If the one on earth observes the one in his spaceship from a telescope, he will notice his twin has certainly gotten flabby around the midsection, and yet when the twin sees himself in the mirror, he'll look just fine.  Neither one of them will find the cellphone charger even though they saw it just the other day.  When the one on the spaceship can't set his digital camera on "delay" his twenty-three year-old daughter will take it and do it for him, and he will just stare at it stupidly.  Then, let's say, that on a certain date, each of the brothers has a vital appointment.  The brother in the spaceship, although he is travelling at the speed of light, will arrive precisely thirteen minutes late.  The other brother will have a mustard stain on his necktie he can't remember getting.
I ask the scientists in Switzerland or wherever the hell it is scientists hang out to get to work unraveling these mysteries and see if they can't find the Satan Particle.
Meanwhile, does anybody know how to get mustard out of a silk tie?

Slouching Towards Authorgeddon Part III

According to a study by Lulu, a provider of print on demand books, each year shows a rise in the number of people who have published a book, accompanied by a decline in the number of people who have read one.  Extrapolating these figures suggests that in 2052, we will reach "Authorgeddon," when "the number of new number of new books published in America will first surpass the number of Americans who read even a single book each year."
So if it seems like everyone has written a novel these days, maybe they have.
Hitler learns that the Shades of Gray Series has been picked up by Knopf.

Metaphor Crisis Stalks Financial Reporters

Roubini, Opening the Floodgates
of Metaphor

Figurative language experts fear that economic reporters will soon run out of metaphors, due in large part to excessive use by writers such as "Dr. Doom" Nouriel Roubini.
In a recent article Roubini wrote an economic "perfect storm" is "unfolding" across the globe, because of four "elements," including a "cooling economy," and that central banks have "run out of policy bullets" and  policymakers are "running out of rabbits to pull out of the hat."In a few short paragraphs, he compared economics to weather patterns, cloth, chemistry, thermometers, target practice, and magic acts, depleting his own metaphorical supply until he was reduced to a far-fetched analogy to physics: "Levitational force of policy easing can only temporarily lift asset prices as gravitational forces of weaker fundamentals dominate over time."

Unfortunately reckless overuse of metaphor among financial writers is not restricted to Mr. Roubini.  Bill Smead, CEO of Smead Capital Management, agreeing with Mr. Roubini on CNBC went metaphorically from plumbing, to broken ceramics, to the digestive-tract in a single sentence, "There is virtually zero chance that pump-priming by central banks will succeed... policymakers should instead let the economic bust work itself through the system."

Slouching Towards Authorgeddon Pt II

According to a study by Lulu, a provider of print on demand books, each year shows a rise in the number of people who have published a book, accompanied by a decline in the number of people who have read one.  Extrapolating these figures suggests that in 2052, we will reach "Authorgeddon," when "the number of new number of new books published in America will first surpass the number of Americans who read even a single book each year."
So if it seems like everyone has written a novel these days, maybe they have.

My Dog's Day: Graph

Slouching Towards Authorgeddon

According to a study by Lulu, a provider of print on demand books, each year shows a rise in the number of people who have published a book, accompanied by a decline in the number of people who have read one.  Extrapolating these figures suggests that in 2052, we will reach "Authorgeddon," when "the number of new number of new books published in America will first surpass the number of Americans who read even a single book each year."
A street interview with a Ms Katalova offers proof that these days everyone has written a novel.

Celeb Couples Riven By Strange Beliefs

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes called it quits, because Katie couldn't hack one more lecture on body Thetans.  Other famous couples can sympathize with the way bizarre personal beliefs can challenge a relationship



Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones

"Mike believes there are twelve Supreme Court Justices.  I've tried explaining to him there are only nine.  Otherwise what would you do in case of a tie?  It only makes sense.  I tried asking him how he thinks a five-four decision is possible with twelve justices, but he won't listen.  I mean, how can you reason with someone who can't even get arithmetic?"









Russell Crowe and Danielle Spencer

"I swear, every time Danielle uses the bathroom, she talks about how in Australia, the water swirls the other way around.  It makes me CRAZY!  I'm from Australia, damn it.  The water goes the same way around.  I've seen it!  But.  She.  Just.  Won't.  Listen.  I start to see why Mel [Gibson] cracked."






Donald Trump and Melania Knauss-Trump

"Donald thinks the expression is 'just desserts,' as in, 'The would-be bank robber got his just desserts.'  That doesn't even make sense!  The expression is 'just deserts,' as in getting what you deserve.  What the hell, does Donald think you get ice cream in prison?  Ivana and Marla tried telling me this would drive me crazy, but I thought it wasn't that big a deal.  But after a while, it really starts to wear on you.  When he says, 'just desserts,' I can tell he's pronouncing it with two s's just to provoke me.  I mean, how hard can this be.  I'm from freaking Slovenia and I know that."

Andy Griffith: A Belated Eulogy

Any Southern humorist worth his salt will have to pay sincere acknowledgement to Andy Griffith.  He sprung on the scene with a series of recordings, "What It Is, Is..." in which he proceeded to give a down-home deconstruction of Football or Hamlet or whatever.  He proved he could play two sides of the Southern Coin: he could be country dumb as in No Time for Sergeants, or country shrewd as in A Face in the Crowd and Murder in Coweeta County.  To anyone who hasn't seen it, I thoroughly recommend A Face in the Crowd, which I would hold up alongside All the King's Men as a great satire as well as a chilling study of the faux naif that thrives on being underestimated.  But it was on The Andy Griffith Show he came into his own.  Griffith observed Danny Thomas at work on the set, yelling at underlings, blowing his top, and said if that was what was required to be a TV star, he'd just as soon pass.  He was assured he would set the tone on his own show, and if he wanted it laid back, it would be.  And it was.  Pauline Kael attributed Ron Howard's success as a director to The Andy Griffith Show, that it taught him "how to get the sweetness out of a character."  The Andy Griffith Show featured a character who was no fool, but who was also kind and gentle.
Below, I've attached a YouTube of Griffith's deadpan re-telling of Hamlet, and below that, a previous post I'd written about The Andy Griffith Show.







I grew up on Gilligan's Island, Andy Griffith, and The Dick Van Dyke Show.  Of the three, my least favorite at the time was Andy Griffith.  I much more identified with Dick Van Dyke who was simultaneously suave and goofy.  And Laura Petri in capris!  Rrrow!  Ditto for Gilligan's Island, I liked the fantasy of innocent, good-hearted, but disaster-prone Gilligan always messing up the latest fool-proof plan the Professor hatched to get them off the island.  (Moral: As soon as someone comes up with a fool-proof plan, nature comes up with a bigger and better fool.)  And Mary Anne in short-shorts!  Rrrow!  By contrast, Andy Griffith seemed slow and draggy, and his girlfriend - Ellen Crump, for pity's sake - why would anybody date someone named Crump?  And she was a school-teacher!  She was like a friend of your mother's.  I'd much rather watch Bewitched.  Samantha Stevens in capris!  Rrow!  Or I Dream of Genie.  Barbara Eden in a genie costume!  Double-Rrow!
But of all the shows I watched as a kid, the only one I can still tolerate is Andy Griffith, and over the years, I've come to love it more and more.  There was always a secret sadness to the Andy Griffith show - the soundtrack was often strangely plaintive for a situation comedy.  And Andy Griffith had one basic story - with some variations - but there was one story it told over and over again.  As I've watched reruns over the years, I've come to realize what a wise and hopeful story it is.
It starts with a sourpus.  Not someone's who's bad, but someone who believes he's bad.  There's goodness inside him, but it's like he's constipated in the goodness department.  Then Andy and his friends find a way to let him release his inner goodness without hurting his pride - sparing people's pride is another major motif in the show - and then the former sourpus realizes he's a good person after all, and it hurts him to even think of doing something selfish and unkind.  At the end of the show, everyone's a little better off, the former sour pus most of all.  Lord help me, it's hokey and obvious, but maybe the truth was hokey and obvious all along.  Maybe the secret of life's just a matter of sparing the other fellow's pride and trusting in his goodness.  And trusting in your own goodness.  I just love that show and I watch it whenever I can.

Declaration of Independence: The Work-Shopped Version