Man Martin's Blog, page 138

Common Errors

Is the correct spelling "donut" or "doughnut?"  Neither, it's "doughnaught."

Is the correct spelling "thruway" or "throughway?"  It's "thoughweigh."

Is it correct to write "Mr. Jones' lawnmower" or "Mr. Jones's lawnmower?"  It's actually my lawnmower.

Is "rodeo" pronounced "RO dee oh" or "ro DAY oh?"  It's pronounced "TRAC tor PULL."

If the rule is, "I before E except after C or sounding like A as in neighbor and weigh," aren't "Keith," "weird," and "their" spelled incorrectly?  You forgot the part about "all the rest have thirty-one except February which has twenty-eight except in leap year."

Is the second day of the week pronounced "TOOS day" or "TYOOS day?"  The second day of the week is pronounced "Monday."

Do you say "Ham and eggs is my favorite breakfast" or "Ham and eggs are my favorite breakfast?"  I say a waffle is my favorite breakfast.

My Disappointment

You try to act like it doesn't hurt.
But it does.  It hurts.I know it's 2014 already, and I know I should have gotten over it by now, but I just can't.

I wanted to be president.

Oh, I knew I wasn't going to win really, I didn't expect to win, I just wanted to put in a decent showing.  I figured I'd least come in second.  You know how many votes I got?  None.

Every time I think about it, I die a little bit inside.

If I'd voted for myself as a write-in, I'd have gotten at least one vote, but that just seemed... I don't know... pushy.  But I thought surely some of my friends would have voted for me.  No, I didn't ask them to - there's some things you expect people to know without being told.  You expect them to understand.  You expect your friends to understand.  Thanks a lot, friends.

The thing is, I tried so hard.  Like, you know how Mitt Romney made that comment about 47% percent of the population.  Well, I never made a comment like that.  You'd think at least a few of that 47% would have voted for me, but did they?  No.

And I'm not saying I wanted to win, just come in second.  I didn't even come in third.  I didn't even place.  I don't mind being beaten by Barack Obama.  It's okay.  But I was beaten by Mitt Romney.

You try to act like it doesn't hurt, but it does.  It hurts.

Progress

The destiny of Mankind is Progress.  Onward and upward, that's us, hey-hooray!  Our future is so bright, we have to wear shades.  Or maybe that's just the ozone depletion.  In any case, progress is what Mankind is all about.  We are in the progress business.  PEE AR OH GEE AR EE ESS ESS.

If you look into history you'll find it's pretty much the story of people who weren't like us at all, working and striving, a little improvement here, a little improvement there, until they got to be like we are today.  Now that we're the way we are, we can look back on all those other generations and realize how backward and stupid they were.  That's progress.

And it's not just history, either.  It's prehistory.  Like, you take dinosaurs.  Clearly they were a mistake.  Can you imagine us getting anywhere with a bunch of dinosaurs in the way? So naturally they died out.  Now their skeletons are in museums and we look at them and say, "Dinosaurs, cool."  Dinosaurs never looked at each other's skeletons and thought they were cool.  Just one more example of progress.

The great thing about progress is you don't have to know where you're heading to end up there.  Like Columbus.  He didn't know he was coming to America, he thought it was India.  True fact.  But once he was here, he made the most of it.  Now think about this, Columbus was Italian, his ship was Spanish, and this whole place was full of Indians.  Crazy right?  But now it's full of Americans.  You know what that is?  That's right.  Progress.

And a lot of those people back then, if they were around today, wouldn't be all that thrilled, but that's just because they can't keep up with progress.  Like those super-religious Puritans.  They'd look around and say, "This is not what we had in mind."  Or the founding fathers, with all that unreasonable search and seizure jazz, they'd have said, "This is not what we had in mind."  Or the Indians, they'd sure have said, "This is not what we had in mind."  Or even Columbus, he'd have said, "This-a not-a what-a I hadda in mind-a."  Because he was Italian, get it?  But that's how it is with progress, keep up or get left behind.

Which is what's so great about Mankind.  And by the way, that includes Womankind, too.  (See, progress everywhere you look.)  Wherever we end up, and whenever we end up there, and however we ended up there, we look around and decide we like it this way and call it progress.

And if there's a nuclear war, the survivors will have learned their lesson, you betcha, with their grotesque mutations and running sores.  And that'll be progress too, because they'll say, "Thank God we aren't as dumb as the knuckleheads who got us into this."  And if there are no human survivors, then cockroaches will probably develop intelligence and take our place and that'll be progress.  Like with the dinosaurs.  And with cockroaches there never will be nuclear weapons because they don't have opposable thumbs.

And in another few billion years, if we don't kill ourselves first, the sun will turn into a red giant and swallow up the inner planets.  Then all the stars will burn out one by one and the whole universe will be a dark, cold, ember.

Progress.

My Secret Techniques with Women

In this artist's depiction of Nancy
picking up my dirty underwear,
you can actually see her getting hot.People ask me all the time, "What are your secret techniques with women?"  The way they normally ask it is, "What do you know about women, anyways?"  Mostly the person who asks me this is Nancy.  Mostly the way she puts it is, "Do you know anything about women?" or else she'll say, "Do you know anything at all?" or else just, "Are you crazy?"

Yes, crazy.  Crazy like a fox.  A super-sexy stud fox.

Some people, when they want to "do it," or as I call it, the "hibbidy-bibbidy," beg and plead pathetically.  This is a big mistake.  Begging and pleading is the last step of the seduction, and you have to do every procedure of the following three-step process before you get to it.

1. The first step I call "laying the groundwork."  To do this, you have to understand the psychology of women.  See, women secretly believe the hibbidy-bibbidy is dirty, and they never get over this belief.  So if you want to lay groundwork, or as I call it, "defrost the bagel," you've got to plant the seed in her unconscious mind.  I do this by making sure to leave my dirty underwear on the floor.  Pretty slick, huh?  This way when she picks it up, she immediately associates me and dirty underwear.  Need I mention what underwear covers up?  The naughty bits.  There, I said it.  See, it's all about the unconscious mind - not just hers, but mine.  Nancy will say, "What were you thinking?  Were you thinking at all?"  The unconscious is a very powerful thing.

2. The next step is body language.  Ninety percent of communication is non-verbal.  This means, when Nancy is saying something I don't really need to listen, but if she throws a piece of crockery at me, I need to sit up and pay attention.  I also use body language to communicate back.  I call this "making the move."  Actually a more accurate term is "not making a move."  We could also call it "comatose."  Women are looking for a man who can make them feel comfortable.  The best way to do this is to be comfortable with yourself.  I do this by stretching out on the sofa in my boxers when I watch TV.  I also usually spill peanut butter cookies on the floor.  This goes back to the first step, "defrosting the bagel," which I call, "spreading the marmalade."

3. Pretty soon you're ready to get down to begging and pleading, but not so fast, Chuckles.  You got to take care of the bod.  I call this "The Love Machine."  Nancy calls it "Mr Giggles" or sometimes, "For God's sake, put on some pants.  You're scaring the dog."  Again, women's psychology comes into play.  I call this, "Getting into her head."  Nancy calls it, "Driving me crazy."  Women want a man who's comfortable in his own skin.  That means you need a lot of skin to be comfortable in.  They don't call them "love handles" for nothing.

So in a nutshell, that's my secret technique.  Now all that's left is begging and pleading.

A Reading From the Social Media Bible

And it came to pass in those days that many were on Facebook and Instagram and Twitter and there was much rejoicing in the land, but the people were stiff-necked and fell away from what was seemly for they neglected to post videos of kittens in humiliating but comic predicaments that were pleasing to the sight, neither did they post those cartoons that look as if they were drawn in the eighteen-eighties and yet have wry and sardonic captions such as a person of the contemporary era would have said and not at all what you'd expect from someone in the eighteen-eighties.  Moreover, people would send requests to their three hundred closest Friends to play Wiggle-Worm Mania or Donut Scramble or whatever, which is pretty rude, because if I wanted to play any of those games, I probably already would be.

These things alone were grievous enough, but, lo! some among them continued to "Like" Duck Dynasty which might have been cool at one time, but now was definitely not okay if not an outright abomination and so a scourge was laid upon the internet so that the ads, which formerly only appeared in the margins of the Facebook page, now came right in the middle of it, so it looked for all the world like someone's status update and not what it was, which was an ad for hemorrhoid ointments or whatever, and many were the unwary who were duped thereby and inadvertently "Liked" one of these ads, and so the pestilence was spread, and the guilty ones were "un-Friended" and left forlorn.

Here endeth the lesson.

Getting Nothing Done

How is it I get nothing done?  I don't mean I only get a little done, I mean nothing.  EN OH TEE AITCH EYE...  Oh, never mind, you get the idea.  I don't just get some nothing done, I get a lot of it done.  And I get it done all the time.  In fact, I'm doing it right now.

Sometimes I think my standards are too high.  Why don't I take a break from doing nothing all the time and actually accomplish something?  Why do I keep pushing myself?  What am I trying to prove?  Other people aren't afraid to get things done, do I think I'm better than them?  Well, yes, actually, but do I have to prove it?

Like I'll be lying on the couch watching the fourteenth consecutive episode of Justified, and I'll think, why am I knocking myself out like this?  Why do I keep going?  Wouldn't it be just as easy to get up and maybe straighten up Athe house a little?  No, it wouldn't be just as easy.  That's why I don't do it.

The world is divided into two types of people: those who set goals, strive, and have meaningful accomplishments, and those that sit around and think of new ways to categorize the world into two types of people while they push the remote and watch yet another episode of Justified.
I gotta be me.

The Grant Application of Dr. Moreau

I. Executive Summary
Dr. Timofey "Tippy" Moreau seeks a grant to continue his research in physiology and behavioral modification to develop animals capable of cooperation, communication, and civilization, "beast folk."  The objective is by the end of the program, animals will be able to stand erect, express themselves in grammatically correct English, and use a salad fork.  Funding of $25,000,000,000 is needed to purchase a private island, equipment, cages, a surgical theater, "training" equipment, and sufficient livestock for research.

II. Statement of Need
The loss of habitat to industrialization, urbanization, and agriculture continues to put pressure on a number of species, the Asiatic Cheetah to take one example.  With a population as low as 40 individuals, the Asiatic Cheetah is vulnerable to desertification and automobile accidents.  Unable to communicate with more than low-pitched growls, purrs, and hisses, the Cheetah will be unable to adapt to the demands with human society without immediate outside intervention.

III. Program Description
Using techniques developed over a lifetime of vivisection research, a surgical team led by Dr. Moreau himself with alter the physiology of selected specimens - reconstructing knee joints, ligatures, and muscles to allow quadrupeds animals to stand erect - orthodonture and palatal modifications to facilitate communication in spoken language - and transplantation of opposable thumbs to permit use of tools and manipulation of small objects such as salad forks.  Physical rehabilitation will be accompanied by a stringent program of behavior modification to enforce normative standards such as cooperation, sociability, and not eating raw meat like a damn animal.

IV. Moreau Physio-Behavior Modification
Coupled with radical reconstructive surgery, immersive courses in acceptable civilized behavior with a firm, consistent reward/punishment structure, this patented program can bring endangered species back from the brink of extinction by equipping them to survive among so-called civilized humans.  "Beast Folk" who revert to unacceptable ways - eating raw meat, drinking water except from a cup or bottle, stuffing food in your mouth like an animal - What were you raised in a barn?  Use your fork, goddamn it! - will be subjected to therapeutic aversion therapy such as electroshock, beatings with wet leather straps, waterboarding, isolation, deprivation of food, and taunting.  These should be regarded of minor nuisances and essential to the ultimate well-being of the subject.  For example, have you ever seen an animal?  Have you ever actually looked at them?  They're disgusting, really.  They don't even eat with their fingers!  Eating with their fingers would be an improvement!  And they don't wear clothes!  I honestly don't see how they get away with it.  Seriously, take a look around next time you're outside.  When's the last time you saw a chipmunk in a decent button-down shirt or even a comfortable pull-over sweater?  Never.  Oh, sure, I guess those Disney chipmunks wear sweaters, but they don't have any pants!  Donald Duck either, or Porky Pig.  They wear shirts but no pants!  What are they thinking?  Do they think at all?  I swear, they deserve to go extinct, all of them.  And they poop everywhere.  Haven't they heard of a toilet?  For chrissakes, it makes me sick thinking about it.

The Professor and Mr White: Separated at Birth?

Shorter?

The other night Nancy gave me a funny look and said, "I hate to tell you this, but I think you're getting shorter."  She had me stand with my back to the door frame so she could mark my height and then got out the measuring tape.  Sure enough, I now measure, generously, five foot seven and and a half.  Formerly I was five foot ten.

I've never been especially proud of my height; I was never one of those six-footers tree-topping over everyone else, but the knowledge I'd mislaid a full two and a half inches distressed me, nevertheless.  It is useless trying to look on the bright side of this, that I'm harder to spot by an NSA Drone, or that I have a smaller carbon footprint; this is troubling news, and no doubt about it.

What gets me is that this struck from such an unexpected quarter.  Of all the things time is taking away from me - my eyesight, my hair, my so-called good looks - why that?  Is the world out to actually diminish me on top of everything else?  What will it go for next, my opacity?

Time will tell.  Time will tell.

How to Be Funny

The Fundamentals of Comedy were Developed by
the Ancient GreeksPeople ask me all the time how I got such a reputation for being funny.  What they really say is, "You think you're funny don't you?" or "What makes you think you're funny?" or "Someone must have told you you were funny."

Well, lucky for you, I'm about to share some of my sure-fire secrets that go into being a laugh-riot.

SURPRISE: As Socrates said, "Surprise is the spring of all that is comic."  This was just before Plato put a tack in his chair.  So the next time someone says something like, "How do I get to Broadway?" hit him with a big raw flounder.  It'll surprise him, and you'll both get a big laugh.

REPETITION: Repeating something makes it funny.  Repeating something makes it funny.  Repeating something makes it funny.  Repeating something makes it funny.  Pretty amusing, right?  Now imagine how hilarious it would be if I said it 673 times.

JUXTAPOSITION: This is when something you don't expect is where you do expect it, or it's something you do expect where you don't or something.  Take for example, the old Milton Berle TV show.  Milton Berle would come out dressed as a woman, only he'd be smoking a cigar.  This was funny because no one expected Milton Berle to have his own TV show.

REVERSAL: Kind of like juxtaposition only not.  Like you're expecting one thing, and just the opposite happens.  Like you ask someone how to get to Broadway and he hits you with a big wet dead fish.  Hi-larious.

WORD PLAY: A lot of words have more than one meaning - for us jokesters, this a a comedy gold mine.  For example the phrase, "My mamma has salami," sounds exactly like an Arabic phrase meaning, "Please hit me with a fish."  Now all you got to do is carry a dead flounder around hoping someone will talk about their mother's cold cuts.