Man Martin's Blog, page 110

Denials

Some people deny the problem even exists, which is itself a problem, but some people deny that anyone denies the problem.  We can't deny that.  If you deny that you deny a problem on the basis there is no problem to deny, then you're just part of the problem.  The problem of denial is not the same as the denial of the problem, but the problem is that denial of the problem can be as big a problem as the problem of denial in the first place, or possibly the other way around.  This is a something no one can deny, and yet they do.  Are you beginning to see the size of the problem we face?
Mark Twain famously said, "Denial ain't just a river in Egypt."  But this is something we must deny.  First off, Denial is not a river in Egypt.  Perhaps he had it confused with the Nile, which is a river, or else the Sebennytic, which is another river in Egypt, although not as famous.  But on top of that, Mark Twain never said that, although the quotation is famous precisely because he did say it, because Twain knew too much about Egyptian rivers to make a careless error like that with their names.  He's more likely to have said, "Romance ain't just a city in Arkansas," because whereas Romance really is a city in Arkansas, there is no such river as Denial, as far as I can tell.
So we can deny that Mark Twain said, "Romance ain't just a city in Arkansas," but we can't deny that it actually is, but we can deny that Mark Twain ever said, "Denial ain't just a river in Egypt," as well as that there really is a river in Egypt named Denial or ever was one.
And yet people still deny it.

Ted Cruz on a Roll

Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) came out swinging after President Barack Obama wholeheartedly endorsed "net neutrality" — which posits that internet companies should not be allowed to speed or slow down their services for certain users.  '"Net Neutrality' is Obamacare for the Internet; the Internet should not operate at the speed of government," Cruz wrote on Twitter. - Business Insider

After an offhand remark in which President Obama said he "likes sprinkles," Senator Cruz went on the warpath, sending out an email blast to party loyalists that "sprinkles are Obamacare for donuts."  "Barrack wants to cover our nation's pastries with sprinkles the way he wants to cover our economy with taxes and regulation.  I don't know how Muslims eat them, but the Bible says Jesus ate his donuts sugar glazed.  Or sometimes chocolate."

Senator Cruz attacked President Obama for endorsing warm puppies.  "When you get right down to it," Cruz wrote across the sky in his personal biplane, "Puppies are just Obamacare for cats.  The only good puppy is a cold dead one.  Same thing for intrusive nanny-state governments."

After Obama said Americans should not be denied insurance because of previous medical conditions and should be entitled to a minimum of medical care, Ted Cruz appeared on Fox News to declare, "This is just Obamacare for medicine."  After being reminded this actually was Obamacare, Cruz said, "See?  You just made my point for me."

Me and Naps

In this illustration, the artist perfectly captures
the ineffable joy of a good nap.
Notice the toes.  Even the toes are happy.There was a time I didn't like naps.  Can you believe it?  Naps!  I didn't like them.

There are certain people out there to whom the mere subject of this blog will be a turn-off.  They will see the title and think, "This better be a scathing attack against naps and all they stand for, cause if it ain't, I'm taking my eyeballs elsewhere!"  I wish those people would have an open mind for a change, and just keep reading, but I don't fool myself.  By now they're already enjoying one of the multitudinous anti-nap blogs out there.  I'm sure you're familiar with some of them yourself: "Naps are for Suckers" or "Nap, Snap!" are just a couple that come to mind.

How little those people know of what they're missing.  I feel for them, for once I was among their number.  I thought a nap meant I had to lie down and stop doing things.  Now I realize it means I get to lie down and stop doing things.

This blog, then, is for you, who already appreciate naps in all their glory.  Aren't naps glorious?  Isn't it a treat to lie down in the middle of the day and just go to sleep?  It's better than fresh-squeezed lemonade.  Better than honey-crisp apples.

I just love me some naps.

Anna and Ivan Jump the Broom

Anna and Ivan.  Mazeltov.
Today I'm going to marry my niece.

Allow me to rephrase that in a less alarming way.

Today I will perform the ceremony at my niece's wedding.  This is the second wedding ceremony I have performed - the first was for my daughter Catherine and son-in-law Drew.  They did not want to go the priest-and-sacrament route, so someone suggested I do the wedding.  I got on the internet, and poof.  I'm an ordained minister from the Holy Nondenominational Church of God dot com.

Anna and Ivan are the sort of people that you love individually but even more as a couple.  Anna has a truly amazing laugh.  This is not hyperbole.  She has an amazing laugh.  You'd have to hear it to understand.  As for Ivan, he won my heart when he quoted an epigram of Marcus Aurelius one evening.  I'm glad to know the nerd gene will be passed down to a new generation.  They are wonderful and sweet.  This is a special day.

Ivan is Jewish and they wanted traditional elements in the ceremony.  They will be standing under a chuppa, which is a canopy representing the first home they will share as husband and wife.  (I have to practice saying husband and wife.  Anna does not want me saying man and wife.)  Then they will sign a ketuba, which is a marriage contract.  Normally, the ketuba is signed beforehand, but we wanted it part of the ceremony.  At the end of the ceremony, Ivan will smash a wine glass underfoot, which Anna says is the last time he'll get to put his foot down.

I admit it seems kind of unreal and silly to me that I would get this great honor of performing the ceremony, even though my pastoral credentials have been verified by nothing less than the Almighty Internet itself, but of course, the truth is, like everyone but Ivan and Anna themselves, I'm really just another witness to the wedding.  The vows are solemnized by something even greater than the World Wide Web.

Love.

Understanding What People Really Mean

With practice, you can learn to interpret
subtle nonverbal "cues" such as this one.Studies show that ninety percent of our communication is nonverbal; these means that words, the actual things we say, are far less important than other social "cues" which indicate our true intention.  For example, if someone asks you, "Do you have a watch?" you would be totally missing the point if you merely say, "Yes," and keep walking.  The proper response to such a question is, "Hell no, I don't have a watch.  I have a smart phone like a regular person.  What century are you living in?"  Or if a teacher says, "This test is so easy, even Albert will be able to pass it," she's subtly communicating that this will be a true-false test and the first question will be "true."

Understanding these subtle forms of nonverbal communication can greatly enrich your social life.

For example, if a waitress says, "Can I start you off with some deep-fried pickle chips?"  What she's really saying is, "I'm desperately attracted to you, but I'm too shy to show it.  I'm trying to give myself excuses to come back to your table as often as possible.  Please spend the meal hitting on me, and then give me a crappy tip so I'll know it's me you're interested in and not just my guacamole."
Suppose you run into an acquaintance who says, "Hey, how's it going?"  This person is subtly communicating, "It's been so horribly long since I've seen you, and I'm dying to know every all about your personal experiences to enrich my own drab colorless life.  My only joy is living vicariously through you.  Please tell me all about your recent gall bladder surgery.  Don't leave out a single detail."
Let's say you're in the doctor's office, and he says, "I'm concerned about your weight and your blood pressure.  You need to go easy on the fried pickle chips once in a while, and it wouldn't hurt to get some exercise for a change."  What he really means is, "God, you magnificent animal.  I don't know what your secret is, but I'd sure like to.  My sense of professionalism keeps me from just fawning over your perfect physique, but whatever you're doing, just keep it up."

Break-In

As I write this, a Brookhaven police officer is in a patrol car outside.  A crime-scene investigator is on her way to dust a dropped GPS for fingerprints, and various other police are looking for an unidentified perp.  (As an official crime victim I get to use the word perp.  I don't think I can say "10-4" or "Roger that," unless I've been deputized.)

Artist's Recreation of the Morning's
Dramatic High-Speed ChaseThis morning at 3:00 AM, Zoe woke us up barking.  There was a stranger in the living room, only at first I didn't think it was a stranger.  I thought it was my sister Chris who for some reason had arrived a day earlier than expected.  Quickly, I realized it was not my sister, and indeed was probably a perp.  I shouted "hey" and Zoe and I chased him out the door and down the street.  We chased him close to a quarter mile before he turned into someone's driveway at which point it was like, "The hell with it," and I came back.

Nancy read me the riot act for trying to run down an unknown perp who, after all, might've had a gun or a pointed stick or something, but at the time, you don't think clearly.  So we called 911, and the cops arrived.  In particular, I'd like to single out Officer Maria Gresham for tremendous professionalism, helpfulness, and courtesy.  I hope none of my readers ever have to report a break-in, but if you do, you would hope to get an officer just like her.  She was there almost before we hung up the phone and quickly got what scanty information I could provide.  She didn't make us feel like chumps for leaving a door unlocked or a car door unlocked, and although - as I said - I wasn't able to provide much information - I didn't see a face or even get a clear idea of what he was wearing - she was very skillful at eliciting what information she could.

You're probably on tenterhooks wondering what this criminal mastermind got away with - well, not much.  He took two GPSs from my car, but ended up dropping both of them.  One by my doorway and one in someone's backyard as he ran down the driveway.  My greatest fear, as I walked back to the house after chasing my perp, was that he'd gotten my laptop.  It's not a valuable instrument, and it's so covered with crud, a disease-conscious perp would be afraid to touch it, but it has the first 24 drafts of my current novel, and I was heartsick at the thought of having to start from scratch.  Luckily, as you can tell from the fact I'm writing this, he didn't get it, but he was just about to, because it was on the ottoman right where he was standing.

He did get some credit cards and my license, because like a chump, I'd left my wallet in my car, but other than that, he got nothing.

I didn't get a look at his face, but once when I was chasing him, he looked back to see if I was still there.  I was.  What I keep thinking about and what makes me grin, is what a weird morning the perp had.  He breaks into a house and the dog barks and the homeowner catches him - that's just part of the risk of doing business for him - but what he didn't expect was some lunatic would chase him barefoot wearing nothing but a t-shirt and boxer briefs for a quarter mile down the road at 3:00 in the morning.

He'll think twice before he comes back to our house.

Midterm Elections

Just look at that goofy smile on her face.
She's probably thinking about Ebola.
I'm sure I'm not alone in hating midterm elections, but unless you live in Georgia, you can't imagine how awful we have it here.

For example, we have two governors.  That's right, I don't know how it happened, but we have two governors.  One of them seems like a pretty good guy.  Whenever you see him on TV, he's got an open shirt collar, and he's usually talking to plain ordinary folks, you can tell are hard-working and honest, just like him.  He brought a lot of jobs to Georgia and saved the Hope Scholarship, thank goodness, because when you get right down to it, kids are Georgia's future.

The other governor looks a little like him, but he's a terrible person.  He spent his whole term keeping jobs out of Georgia and trying to destroy the Hope Scholarship.  That's right.  Hard to believe anybody would be that cold-hearted, but it's true.  I can't even think why someone would do something like that, unless he secretly hates Georgia.  Maybe after the election we'll find out he was actually from Alabama the whole time.  You never see him with any actual children, but sometimes they show children in the background.  You can tell by looking at them, they are not getting good educations.  They just look stupid.  Stupid and unhappy.  I suppose his plan is that when they grow up, they'll be so stupid they'll actually vote for people like him.

The two-governor confusion would be bad enough, but - get this - we have two women running for congress, and they both have the same name.  Incredible, huh?  I mean, like, what are the odds?  One of them seems pretty sensible and competent, but the other one - oh, my gosh - she's a crazy woman.  For one thing, she supports Obama.  Okay, you're thinking, so what?  But it's not the Obama you're thinking of: it's a whole nother one.  He looks a little like Obama, but whenever someone says his name, there's these discordant piano chords - plonk! plonk! - kind of like the CSI theme only different, ominous and alarming.  So anyway, this candidate supports Obamacare.  (Plonk-plonk!)  In fact, she can't get enough of it.  Obamacare is like ice cream to her.  I sort of got the idea Obamacare had to do with healthcare, but judging by the piano-music this is a whole different kind of Obamacare.  It must have to do with drowning kittens at the very least.  

But there's more.  Terrorism.  Everyone's against terrorism, right?  Well, she isn't.  The TV says terrorism, and the piano goes plonk-plonk because even piano players don't like terrorism, but she just goes right on smiling that goofy smile.  And then maybe she'll say something good about Obama because clearly he likes terrorism too,  The only thing those two like better than terrorism is Obamacare.  Unless it's Ebola.  

I know you're thinking, "you've got to be kidding," but I'm not.  These two are actually in favor of Ebola.  As far as they're concerned, the more Ebola the better.  The TV saves Ebola for last, and uses its loudest and most ominous piano-plonking, but she just goes right on smiling that goofy smile of hers.

It just makes my blood boil to think about it.

Anyway, I definitely won't be voting for her, you can be sure of that.  I'll be voting for the other one who 's got the same name but at least seems like a decent human being.  I just hope in the voting booth I can tell which is which.

We Need to Read These Suckers More Carefully

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Things Highly Effective People Never Tell Themselves

One thing about highly effective people is they
don't have transparent skulls like this guy.The secret to being highly effective?  Well, it's a lot of things, but a big factor is "self-talk."  Highly effective people coach themselves with positive self-talk, instead of the defeatest stuff you probably say to yourself.

"I'll never be able to pay for (that new car, that trip to Hawaii, that elective surgery)"  Highly effective people never tell themselves things like that because they've got zillions of dollars and can have anything they want.

"God, I hate Mondays."  This is something you'll never hear an effective person say.  This is because unlike you, who has a loser, dead-end job, they're probably doing something fascinating and making multi-million-dollar deals on the golf course and stuff.

"I'll put off doing the (yard work, house work, cleaning the litter box) until tomorrow."  Highly effective people never postpone unpleasant chores.  They come right out and tell their servants to do them.  After all, that's what they're paid for.

"I'm not happy with the way I look."  Highly effective people don't waste time running themselves down.  They take themselves straight to the cosmetic surgeon and come out looking any way they want.  Sometimes they even make themselves look like you.  But that's just for a joke, and then they go under the knife and come out like supermodels again.

"I wonder what sorts of things highly effective people say to themselves?"  Genuine highly effective people never wonder about what highly effective people say because they're saying it already.  Don't believe me?  Are you reading this blog?  Are you highly effective?  Boom.

Halloween

"So this is Halloween,
And happy trick or treat,
Let's hope it's a good one,
I especially like candy corn."
- John Lennon

This early lyric, which Lennon later rewrote to be about Xmas (sic) celebrates this very special day when children get to be what they secretly are all year long.  Where does this tradition come from?  

Well, in 1220 Ghengis Khan invaded what was then Armenia.  The Armenians had never seen anything like the Mongol hordes before, and they were all like, "Wow, great costumes!  You must've gone to a lot of work.  And those ponies, where did you get those little ponies?  They're adorable.  Here, have some candy."

And Khan and his hordes returned whence they came and ate all the candy, and the next day they came back, and the Armenians said, "You again?"  And Khan was like, "You got any more candy?  Look how cute our ponies are."  And the Armenians were, "We're all out of candy.  Go away."

Well, that tore it.  Khan invaded for real and next thing you know, it was the dark ages.

And if that's not the true story behind Halloween, then I must've made it up.