Jonice Webb's Blog, page 18

On the Outside

 

 I feel like I’m on the outside, looking in

Whoever I’m with, I don’t feel I fit in

I look fine, but I don’t feel fine

 

The first item on the Emotional Neglect Questionnaire (ENQ) is:

- Do you sometimes feel like you don’t belong when you are with family or friends?

I put that question first in the ENQ on purpose. Because it is one of the most centrally defining qualities of a person who grew up with Childhood Emotional Neglect.

At first glance, it doesn’t make sense. Why would a person carry around a pervasive feeling of being out-of-place? Of not fitting in? Of being on the outside, looking in? Especially when among people who love you? It’s a difficult to identify, difficult to name feeling; yet it can hold tremendous power over a person. It can make it hard to go to a social gathering, and difficult to stay very long. Perhaps you get irritable when you’re around other people and you’re not sure why. Perhaps you’re good at putting on a show to look like you’re having fun, but only you know that actually, you are not. Perhaps you are actually looking around at other people laughing and talking and appearing comfortable, and wondering what you are missing.

In over twenty years as a psychologist, I have heard many lovely people describe this feeling. They each use different words, but they all have one common factor which links them: they all grew up in a household with Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN).

CEN happens when parents fail to respond enough to a child’s emotional needs. When you are a child whose feelings are largely ignored, you receive an indirect, but very powerful message from your parents. That message is, “Your feelings don’t matter.” I have seen time and time again, that when children receive this message, they automatically adapt. They push their feelings down and away, so that they will not bother anyone. This may help the child survive, or even thrive, in a household that is not friendly to emotion. But in adulthood, it becomes a problem.

As adults, we need our emotions. Emotion is the glue that connects us to other people and the spice that keeps things interesting. When your emotions are pushed away, it’s hard to feel the emotional connection that binds people together at a party. It’s even harder to experience the spontaneous, happy synergy that occurs when people are truly fully present with each other. So instead, you are like a baker without yeast. You are operating without a key ingredient that everyone else has. And you feel it.

If you find yourself identifying with this, please remember that while the “On the Outside” feeling is a real feeling, it is not a real thing. The people you are with do not see you that way. They don’t see you on the outside. They don’t feel that you don’t belong. They want to connect with you and enjoy your company.

The best thing about CEN is that it can be overcome. Here are my Four Tips to overcoming, specifically, your “On the Outside” feeling:

Become more aware of your “On the Outside” feeling. Notice when you feel it. Take notice of the power it has over you. Keep it in the back of your mind at all times. Remind yourself that it’s just a feeling.
Once you’re more aware of the feeling, its source and its power, start to fight it. Force yourself to go to social gatherings, and constantly fight the feeling while you’re there.
Tell someone (your spouse, a sibling, a good friend) about this feeling. Explain the source and your struggle. Ask that person for their support at family functions, parties and other gatherings.
Address your CEN. It’s important to attack your CEN from all angles. One of the best ways to do this is to start working on accepting and feeling your own emotions more. The better you get at this, the weaker your “On the Outside” feeling will become.

Becoming more comfortable with your emotions is the hardest part of this process. If you find yourself mystified or daunted by this step, please read more about CEN throughout this website, or take a look at my book, Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect. In it, you will find information about parents and parenting, the unique struggles of people who grew up with CEN, and multiple strategies for healing from it in adulthood. 

Once you realize what’s wrong, you are on your way to recovery. You’re on the path to a more connected, more comfortable, and more fully satisfying life.

Empty

 

 

The Definition of Empty: “Not Filled”

Everyone knows what the word “empty” means. It’s a simple word, easily understood.  But what does “empty” mean in terms of human feelings and emotions? Here, it is not so simply defined.

A few months ago I was interviewed about my book, “Running on Empty,” on a radio show. I was waiting on the line to go on-air when the Producer said to me behind the scenes, “We have a great audience today; looks like about 23,000 people are listening.” Since I’m not often in situations where I’m speaking to 23,000 people, that made me pretty nervous. Immediately, the host came on, introduced me, and asked a question I was not expecting. He said, “Where did you come up with this title? Can you explain it to our audience?” If I hadn’t been nervous, I could have articulated it more clearly. As it was, I somewhat stammered through a fairly vague but somewhat adequate answer.

Since that day, I have given this question some thought, and have been called upon to explain it a number of times. Let me start by describing–

My definition of emptiness as a human emotion: the feeling that’s caused by the absence of feeling; a general sense that something is missing inside of oneself; a feeling of disconnection from oneself and others; numbness; sometimes experienced physically as an empty space in the belly, chest, throat or other part of the body.

Emptiness is not a clinical term amongst mental health professionals. It’s not a common term among the general public. It’s not something that people generally talk about. Yet in my 25 years of practicing psychology, I have encountered many people who have tried to express it to me in some way. Few of them have had the words to describe it. Mostly I had to intuit what was going on for them and give them the words. Each time, it brought the person great relief. It is incredibly healing and connecting to put a label on a plaguing, undefined feeling that has dogged one for years. A label offers understanding and hope, and a path somewhere.

I have a theory about why emptiness has gone so unnoticed, unknown and ill-defined. It’s because emptiness is not actually a feeling; it’s an absence of feeling. We human beings are not wired to notice, define or discuss the absence of things. We have a hard enough time talking about feelings. But the absence of feelings seems almost too vague, unimaginable, invisible; too difficult to grab hold of.

This is why so many people live with this feeling on and off throughout a lifetime. Many people don’t even know they have it, much less what it is. They just know that they feel “off”; like something just isn’t right with them. They feel different from other people in some inexplicable way. One person said to me, “I feel like a bit player in the movie of my own life.” Another said, “I feel like I’m on the outside, looking in at other people who are truly living.”

I also have a theory about–

What causes emptiness:

Children who grow up in a household where feelings are not acknowledged, validated or responded to enough, receive a powerful message. They learn that their emotions are not valid, do not matter, or are unacceptable to others. They learn that they must ignore, neutralize, devalue or push away their emotions. For some children, this message permeates every aspect of their emotional lives; for others, it may only affect certain parts. Either way, the child disconnects from his own feelings. He pushes them down and away (because after all, they are useless, negative or unacceptable to others). It’s adaptive for the child to do this, as it will help her to be more comfortable in her family environment. But she is unknowingly sacrificing the most deeply personal, biological part of who she is: her emotions. Years later, as an adult, she will feel the absence of this vital part of herself. She will feel the empty space which her feelings are meant to fill. She will feel disconnected, unfulfilled, empty.

I have noticed, over years of working with people who have emptiness, that they are usually thoroughly stand-up folks. They are folks who care for others better than they care for themselves; who put a smile on their faces and soldier on, never giving away that something’s just not right for them. They literally run on empty.

I‘ve given a name to this process of developing emptiness. I call it Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN). I’m trying to educate people about CEN. I’m trying to reach the scores of people who are living their lives under its influence, with little awareness or ability to describe it. I’m trying to offer them the words to talk about it, and the opportunity to heal.

To learn more about emptiness and Childhood Emotional Neglect, read more throughout this website, www.EmotionalNeglect.com, or pick up a copy of my book, Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect. It’s available on this website under THE BOOK tab, via Amazon (Kindle or paperback), or through your local bookstore.

 

The Fathers’ Bind: Five Tips for Fathers

 

How do I Give My Children What I Never Got Myself?

Few people would disagree with the statement that fatherhood is good for men. I have watched many men become warmer and more open during the process of becoming fathers.

When I married my husband, he was what I always called a “precision driver.” This description was pretty generous on my part, since other people used less kind words. Everyone who had ridden in a car with him had experienced his precise and rapid bobbing and weaving through Boston traffic, switching lanes between cars with (seemingly) inches to spare. I witnessed a number of people make the sign of the cross in the backseat while riding with him (some were even non-religious types), in a desperate bid for survival. I had grown accustomed to his ways and hardly noticed it anymore.

Then we had a baby.

We carried our new little baby girl out of the hospital doors, tucked into her carrier car-seat for her first car ride home. My husband and I spent a considerable amount of time buckling in the car-seat, struggling with the straps, tightening them to make sure it was right. My husband got behind the wheel, but paused. I looked over to see a panicked expression on his face as the full weight of responsibility for our daughter’s safety settled upon his shoulders. “Do you think she’s buckled in right? What if we have an accident?” he said. Despite my reassurances that our tiny daughter would be fine, he pulled out of the parking lot at a snail’s pace, looking both ways multiple times before entering the street. That day, the normally 15-minute car ride took 30.

Over the intervening 17 years, I’ve thought back on that moment many times. I think it was at then that I realized I had married a good father. However, protection and safety are not all that’s expected from today’s fathers.

During the last three decades or so, psychologists have started to pay more attention to the importance of fathers in children’s development. Study after study has shown that father love is every bit as crucial as mother love. Fathers are better than mothers at keeping a babies’ attention. We now know that children who receive more love from their fathers are less likely to end up with behavioral or addiction problems.

Today’s fathers have childrearing responsibilities that fall into four categories. They are:

Financial support
Physical care
Discipline
Emotional support

That last item, “emotional support” is relatively new. Historical fathers were not expected to provide that, and were in fact thought to be almost irrelevant in the emotional arena. Not so today, when fathers are expected to be just as involved in the emotional life of the children as are mothers.

I think that for many men, this is the most difficult part of parenthood. Not because men are less capable of emotional attunement, attachment or support, but because men in our society are generally not raised with the encouragement to express or share emotion. The notion that “Big Boys Don’t Cry” is gradually dissolving, but many, if not most, fathers of today were raised with that message. Those Big Boy messages, “Toughen up,” “Don’t be a pansy,” “Be the strong one,” “Never show emotion,” when received enough by a boy in childhood, constitute Childhood Emotional Neglect.

In my blog posts and my book, I have talked about many different ways that Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) plays out in adulthood. I think that men deserve their own, special category in the area of CEN, since what’s considered healthy parenting of a boy has long been different than that of a girl. Throughout the last sixty years, parents have had less emotional tolerance with their sons than with their daughters.

Boys experience emotions just as intensely as girls; yet their emotions are not as accepted in our society. When men get depressed, sad or anxious, they are more likely to hide it than women. Since boys and men have so much lower tolerance for feelings (other than anger, which is far more accepted from them) they have far fewer opportunities in childhood to learn how to express their emotions, how to tolerate their emotions, and how to manage them.

So today’s fathers find themselves in somewhat of a bind: expected to understand their children and relate to them emotionally, but somewhat baffled and confused by this task since they never learned how to do this in their own childhood. The good news is that it’s not too late to learn!

Here are Five Father’s Day Tips to help Fathers and the people who love them manage this bind:

Your child has a basic need for you to see the real him. Strengths, weaknesses, preferences, personality traits, habits, and emotions. Watch your child closely, and make sure he knows that you know him on a personal and meaningful level.
Strive to form an empathic connection to your child. This means feeling what she feels when she feels it. When you feel your child’s feelings, she will know it. She will feel closer to you, and she will grow up stronger and healthier. NOTE: The empathic connection is not a replacement for limits or discipline, and often should be combined with them.
Emotional Intelligence (EIQ), the ability to identify, express, and manage emotion, has been shown by research to be more important to a person’s success in life than IQ. It’s your job to teach your child these skills.
If you struggle with these skills yourself, it may be a sign that you grew up with CEN, and didn’t have an opportunity to learn them. For the sake of your children, set a goal to start increasing your own EIQ. Learn more about Childhood Emotional Neglect, and how to overcome it by reading more on this website or in Running on Empty .
If you have children with a man who you think may have CEN, have empathy for him. Suggest he learn about it so that he can make the choice to overcome it.

***HAPPY FATHER’S DAY!!!

Do Not Read This Unless You are a Mother

The Doorknob Dilemma

It was fourteen years ago, but I remember it like it was yesterday.

It was 11:00 p.m., and my 3-year-old daughter was yelling from her room, “I don’t wanna go to sleep!” I stood with my hand on the doorknob, trying to sort out in my head the right thing to do. I had already been in her room several times since putting her to bed at 8:00. I had smoothed her forehead, given her a drink, checked under her bed, sung her a song, and read her a story. I was exhausted, and all I wanted to do was to go to sleep myself. My thoughts teetered between, “If I go in there, I might be inadvertently encouraging her to yell for me to avoid going to sleep at night; on the other hand, if I don’t go in, she might feel alone and scared, and what if it scars her forever?” Then these exact words came to me: “Either way, I’m screwed.” I stood with my hand on the doorknob, grappling with the hard truth that both of the options felt wrong, and that no matter which I chose, I would feel guilty about it.

Since that night, I have accomplished many years of parenting. But over those years I have found myself back in that same moment many times over.  Each such situation is different, but the common factor is that underlying feeling that there is no right answer; that either choice I make will be bad for my child, and result in that uncomfortable feeling of guilt: “I should have done something else,” or “I should have done nothing.” I call it the Doorknob Dilemma.

Since I wrote Running on Empty, I’ve been interviewed about the book on dozens of radio shows. Even though I did not write it to be a parenting book, parenting became one of the major topics that I was asked about in the interviews. In fact, a number of show hosts requested interviews specifically about the parenting aspects of the book (specifically, how to be an emotionally attuned parent). In many of these interviews, especially the ones with women interviewers, the topic of mother’s guilt came up over and over. I think it’s because parenting can be so complex and baffling that parents often feel hungry for help and knowledge. Beyond that, we moms have to deal with the Doorknob Dilemma.

I’ve written a number of articles about parenting, but this is not one of them. This is about you as a mom, your special challenges, and how you can take care of yourself. Here is my list of tips to help you manage the guilt caused by the Doorknob Dilemma. I hope you’ll read them as often as needed throughout the year. They are my Mother’s Day gift to you.

Guilt is an emotion that is wired into us humans for a specific purpose: to prevent us from taking harmful action against others. It has no useful purpose beyond that.
Guilt is a heavy emotion. It’s like a black cloud that hangs in the background, sucking our energy and confidence, and leaving us depleted.
The people who feel the most guilt often are the people who deserve it the least, rendering it one of the least helpful emotions.
Parenting is one of the most complex jobs on the planet. Every child is different, every parent is different, and every family’s environment is different. Parenting is affected by genes, stressors, teachers, extended family, finances, friends, community…I could go on and on. You get the point. It’s complicated.
If you find yourself in a Doorknob Dilemma, remind yourself that in many parenting decisions, there is no right or wrong answer. It’s a matter of making the decision that seems the best for your own understanding of your own child in that moment.
Many of your decisions will be wrong, and that’s OK. It comes with the job.
Guilt can weigh you down, making you a less energetic and confident person and parent.
If you find yourself feeling guilty about a parenting choice or action that you took, follow these steps:

Ask yourself if you truly made the wrong decision, in hindsight.
If the answer is no, then LET IT GO.
If the answer is maybe or yes, then ask yourself if there’s anything you can do to correct it.
If you can talk with your child, apologize, or otherwise correct it, then do so.
If there’s nothing that you can do, accept that.
Ask yourself if there is a lesson to be learned from this mistake that can be useful in the future.
If so, make a note of it to help you remember.
Accept that you’ve done everything you can, and PUT IT BEHIND YOU.

As a mother, you have to take care of yourself first, so that you can give to others; not the other way around. Don’t let guilt weigh you down and sap your energy. Attack your guilt instead of letting it attack you. And if you would like to learn more about emotionally attuned parenting, see my book, Running on Empty by clicking on THE BOOK tab of this website.

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!!!

How to Identify Childhood Emotional Neglect in Your Clients

For Mental Health Professionals

As clinicians, we all know how to see and diagnose depression, anxiety, phobias, substance dependence as well as a myriad of other disorders in our patients. We watch for a certain cluster of symptoms, compare the number and severity with the description of that disorder in the DSM or the ICD-9, and presto. Sometimes it’s pretty simple and clear; other times, it’s complicated.

But it’s never as difficult as with Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN). Here’s why:

It’s not memorable: The adult symptoms of CEN are not caused by childhood events. In contrast, they are in fact caused by childhood non-events. They’re a direct result of a parent’s failure to respond enough to a child’s emotional needs. Since this is not something that happens to a child, but is instead something that fails to happen for a child, the child’s eyes don’t see it and her brain doesn’t record it. The adult patient in your office has no memory of it. This makes it really difficult to see.
It’s not visible: CEN is often buried beneath depression, anxiety, phobias, substance abuse, or some other, more obvious or florid condition. It can also be buried beneath childhood trauma, which is far more obvious and memorable. Your client will likely be asking for relief from these more widely-known, visible symptoms.
There aren’t words for it: Many of the symptoms of CEN are quite difficult to put into words. People seldom spontaneously report and describe feelings of emptiness, the Fatal Flaw, counter-dependence or Alexithymia the way they might report panic attacks, difficulty sleeping or alcohol abuse.
It’s not well-known: Much of the public has been educated about the most common mental health maladies. Many people are able to recognize when they are depressed or anxious. Until now, CEN has received little to no attention. People don’t know it exists, or how to see it in themselves. It is my mission to try to change this, with your help.

Fortunately, there are ways to deal with all of these barriers. Here are the first five things (from the For the Therapist chapter of Running on Empty) to watch for to help you identify CEN in a client:


One of the first hints that I am sitting with a CEN client is a sense that the clinical picture doesn’t add up. For example, the client’s adult struggles seem inexplicable in the context of his description of his childhood. Since CEN is not typically remembered, many CEN patients describe their childhood as “fine,” leaving me wondering how these lifelong symptoms developed.
Watch for a client to feel guilty, or even angry at himself, for simply having feelings. CEN clients received a powerful message in childhood: Don’t Have Feelings. The adult will therefore blame himself and feel ashamed of his emotions.
Watch for a patient to be highly protective of her parents. Many CEN people’s parents were actually quite loving, and provided well for their children. The adult looks back upon childhood and sees the love and the material comfort, but can’t see what the parents didn’t provide: emotional validation and support. CEN clients can be fiercely defensive of their parents.
Many CEN patients doubt the substance of their childhood memories. “I feel like I’m probably exaggerating, it wasn’t really that bad.” “Isn’t this boring for you to listen to?” “I don’t know why I’m telling you this, it’s probably not that important.” These are all common statements from CEN people who are relating events from childhood.
Watch for Alexithymia, or Low Emotional Intelligence. People who grow up in homes that are blind to emotion don’t learn how to tolerate, identify, respond to or manage emotion. This is one of the most observable telltale signs in the therapy relationship.

Of course, identifying CEN is only the start. It can also be difficult to help your client see that he has CEN. This is why I wrote Running on Empty. My hope is to help people everywhere and their therapists identify what’s going on under the surface, put it into words, and join together to correct it. In the book, I cover the ten primary struggles of the emotionally neglected child in adulthood, the twelve types of parents who are likely to emotionally neglect their child, and a full section on how to heal, including a chapter For the Therapist.

 

 

 

Six Tips for Parenting Teenagers

 

There is very little about raising a child that prepares us to raise a teen.

We tend to hit our parenting stride when our children are around age 9, 10, 11. Then, the child enters adolescence and all of the rules suddenly change. It’s like plate tectonics. The earth shakes, and your child wakes up a different person. And this requires you to be a different kind of parent.

As a psychologist who specializes in treating teens, I have helped scores of adolescents and their parents navigate the rough waters of adolescence over the last twenty years. I am now the parent of two teenagers myself, and I think this puts me in a unique situation. Shouldn’t I be really good at this, since it’s my professional specialty? The answer is:   Hmm. It’s just not the same when it’s your own child.

As a psychologist, I call children’s natural, gradual detachment from their parents throughout adolescence “individuation.” As a parent, I call it simply “loss.” I’ve never felt more alone in my house than I do now. My children, ages 17 and 14, far less often choose, unprompted, to speak to me. When I ask my 17-year-old how her day was, the answer is typically an eye-roll. My son, whose sunny disposition and warm heart has always been my consolation during his older sister’s natural distancing, is now only “himself” about 20% of the time. The other 80%, he’s a sullen, preoccupied, hungry, headphone-covered young fellow.

These two went from, as young children, seeking a kiss and hug from me before leaving for school in the morning, to tolerating it, to outright refusing it. When I walk in the door after a long day’s work, only one person offers a greeting:  my husband. It’s hard. It’s lonely. It’s thankless.

It might sound like I’m complaining, and I guess I am. But I would also like to acknowledge the great things about having teenagers. For example, I now have considerably more free time. My daughter drives herself and her brother places. Neither seems to need me as much. I get to spend more quality time with my husband, doing fun activities that we both enjoy. Exciting things are happening, as my daughter has started to think about and explore the process of choosing a college. It is exciting to watch little babies grow into almost-adulthood, and the amazing people that they are becoming.

Now I would like to share some of the lessons that I have learned along the way. Each of these Tips for Parenting Teenagers represents things that are distinctly different from parenting young children. I learned them the hard way, through my own personal experience; then I ran them through the sieve of professional research and experience. So you can rest assured that all of these tips are doubly tried and true, personally and professionally.

Choose your battles carefully. Younger children are more dependent upon you, so you have more intrinsic power. Your bond is more consistent, and you can afford to address things as they come up. On the other hand, your teenager is trying to assert independence, and needs to feel a sense of his own power and authority. That makes it very important to preserve your bond, and to fight only the battles that really matter.
Don’t over-respond to your teen’s moods:  Teens are moody in a way that younger children are not. And their moods can be very powerful in the household. It’s important to give them the space to be in a bad mood without getting angry in return or trying to “fix” it for them. Often, their moods have nothing to do with their parents. They are more related to hormones, or to simply being an adolescent.
Let your teen choose your moments to communicate with her: With an adolescent, timing is everything. Your teen will tell you what moments to choose. Don’t try to talk to your teen when she’s tired or stressed or moody or seems to be shut down. Instead, when she seems open, put down everything you are doing and talk to her then.
Make sure rules and expectations are clear and well-communicated. I recommend writing them down and posting them on the refrigerator. Teenagers are masters of manipulation. They are great at blurring, fudging, forgetting. Writing things makes them more concrete and inviolable.
Give your teen room to grow while keeping the emotional connection intact. This is the most difficult tip of all. Your teen doesn’t want to need you, and doesn’t want to want you. It’s your job to tolerate the rejection, and simply be there for him, no matter what. Never reject your teen.
Walk the line. Your adolescent is either approaching or at the line that separates child from adult. He’s confused by this. His roles are changing and his brain is changing. Your job now is to walk that line with him. As his parent, this line becomes the one between freedom and rules; between dependence and independence; between family and friends; between home and the rest of the world. To be on that line with your teen means tolerating the confusion and discomfort that he feels himself. So set limits and enforce them, while taking your teen’s personal characteristics and needs into account. Let him make mistakes, but not too many. Encourage his peer friendships, but check up on him when you have concerns or doubts about them. In other words, back off. But not too much.

A Different Kind of March Madness

Trapped Indoors: The Mad Month of March 

 

This is the month that makes us all go a little mad.  You know what I mean.  This morning is a perfect example. I woke up to sunny skies offering a brightness that hints of Spring to come. Now, two hours later, it’s cloudy. The winds have picked up, and I really don’t want to go outside.  Weary of winter, brown, dingy remnants of the most recent snowstorm, not a lot going on in general. That’s March.

I have found that March is particularly challenging for one particular group of people. To determine whether you are a member of this group, please answer these questions about yourself in general before reading on:

Do you generally like to stay busy all the time?
Do you typically prefer not to be home alone?
Do you feel restless when you’re not doing something?
Is it hard for you to sit down and watch TV or read a book?
Do you feel that you need to be productive at all times?
Do you require constant entertainment: the TV on, music playing, or someone to talk with?

You may be wondering what all these questions have in common, so let me explain. There is a subset of the population who feel pressure to stay busy all the time. Be productive, move around, don’t sit still. I have come to realize that there is a surprising explanation for this particular mindset. It’s not society, technology, inner resourcefulness or drive. It’s actually Childhood Emotional Neglect.

Here’s how it works. When you grow up in a household that’s blind to emotion, you don’t learn the skills necessary to accept, identify tune in to, or express your own emotions. Emotions which aren’t dealt with and managed go underground, pooling together inside of you like a pot of soup. This “soup” simmers away outside of your awareness. Out of sight, out of mind. As long as you stay busy, driven, focused on things, distracted, you don’t have to feel those feelings. But it’s those alone moments when there is nothing to distract you that the feelings start to bubble up. I have seen this lead to great discomfort in many people; a feeling of restlessness and discontent that is difficult to sit with.

This is what makes March a particularly difficult month for the emotionally neglected.  When we’re trapped inside, suspended between winter and spring, we are forced to sit with ourselves. It is a challenge which we can either run from or face. I say, let’s take it on.

My book Running on Empty has 3 chapters dedicated solely to helping emotionally neglected people learn to tolerate, accept, name, manage, and express emotion. Here I’m going to share with you an exercise that I often assign to my emotionally neglected patients. It’s designed specially to help you learn to tolerate your pot of soup, a skill that will help make your life more peaceful, calm and emotionally connected. 

Identifying & Naming Exercise

Do this exercise once per day. You can start with three minutes, or one minute, or ten minutes, depending on how difficult it is for you. You decide what’s most workable for you to start with: 

Step 1: Close your eyes. Picture a blank screen that takes over your mind, banishing all thoughts. Focus all of your attention on the screen, turning your attention inward. 

Step 2: Ask yourself the question: 

“What am I feeling right now?” 

Step 3: Focus on your internal experience. Be aware of any thoughts that might pop into your head, and erase them quickly. Keep your focus on: 

“What am I feeling right now?” 

Step 4: Try to identify feeling words to express it. You may need more than one word. 

Step 5: If you’re having difficulty identifying any feelings, you can google “Feeling Word List,” or use the Feeling Word List in the Resources section of Running on Empty to help you identify what you are feeling. 

If you find this exercise impossible, don’t be upset! Many E.N. people have great difficulty with this exercise. Simply try this instead:

Set a timer for 1, 2, 3, 5 or 10 minutes, whatever you think will work best for you.
Repeat Step 1:  Close your eyes. Picture a blank screen that takes over your mind, banishing all thoughts. Focus all of your attention on the screen, turning your attention inward. 

Here, you are using Step 1 as an exercise to learn how to sit with yourself and your feelings and tolerate them.  Do this as many times per day as you can. The more you do it, the better you will get at it. At some point, you will be ready to go back and try Steps 2 through 5 again, and it will be easier this time.

Bottom Line: Emotions are a useful, vital, biological part of who we are. They cannot be erased, and they will not be denied. We can make them our friends or our enemies, but we cannot run from them. If you’ve been running from your feelings, turn around and face them. Learn to sit with them, express them, manage them, and use them to make decisions. Allow them to enrich and enliven your life, and you will feel more connected, more fulfilled, stronger and overall happier in the end.

Put an end to your March Madness.

 

Make Every Day Valentine’s Day

Give Your Valentine the Best Gift Ever: Emotional Attunement  

Candy and flowers are lovely Valentine gifts for your special someone, but what happens after the chocolates are gone and the petals fall off the roses? Every day can’t be Valentine’s Day for couples … or can it? 

In my experience as a couple’s therapist, I have noticed that the biggest predictor of marital happiness is something that I call “Emotional Attunement.” Long-term happiness can be difficult for many couples to achieve … especially when this factor, Emotional Attunement, is missing from the relationship. Lack of Emotional Attunement can lead to frustration and feelings of loneliness. In fact, it can feel more lonely to be disconnected within a marriage than simply being single. 

What is Emotional Attunement? It is: 

an awareness and valuing of the other person’s emotions.
the feeling that you know your partner extremely well on an emotional level
an ability to understand your partner’s reactions and sensitive spots
a mutual commitment to communicating difficult things with kindness and care. 

Why do some couples have Emotional Attunement, and others don’t? 

Most people learn how to be emotionally attuned during their childhood. When a parent treats a child with understanding, looks beneath the child’s behavior to respond to what he is feeling, and takes the time and effort to truly know her child, she is teaching that child Emotional Attunement skills that he will automatically apply in his relationships as an adult. If a parent unwittingly fails his child enough in any of these areas, he is letting his child grow up with a lack of these necessary skills (Childhood Emotional Neglect). 

Even couples who possess these skills can easily slip into taking each other for granted and taking the easy road. 

Here are some examples of poor Emotional Attunement: 

A husband fails to notice that his wife is overwhelmed, exhausted and feeling hopeless about it getting better after starting a new job
A wife misinterprets her husband’s hurt feelings as anger, and responds with more anger
A woman knows her boyfriend is sensitive about his hair loss, but points it out to friends for a laugh
A man needs to tell his wife that she overdrank and embarrassed him at his company party, so he blurts out the following sentence, “You were an obnoxious lush last night.” 

Here are some examples of good Emotional Attunement: 

A husband notices that his wife is overwhelmed and hopeless after taking a new job. He lets her knows that he sees it, and asks how he can help
A wife sees that her husband’s sharp tone is covering his hurt, and instead of responding angrily herself, asks him some questions about what she suspects has hurt him
Knowing her boyfriend is sensitive about his hair loss, the girlfriend says nothing negative about it to him, ever.
To tell his wife that she overdrank the night before, embarrassing him at his company party, he waits until the right moment. Then he says, “Can I talk to you about something important? I feel a little embarrassed about last night. Do you remember…? Can you be more careful with your drinking in the future, especially at my company party?” 

If you or your partner grew up without enough Emotional Attunement from your parents; if you feel your relationship is lacking, GOOD NEWS!  There is a way to get back on track today … and to stay there all year long. 

If you or your partner struggle greatly with these skills, I recommend that you start addressing your Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) right away. You can learn the skills now that you missed out on while you were growing up. To learn more about CEN, take a look at the ABOUT EMOTIONAL NEGLECT and THE BOOK pages of this website. 

In the meantime, write this Valentine Pledge in your Valentine card: 

“In the coming year, I pledge to work harder to understand you; to notice what you are feeling and to feel it myself; and to tell you what I am feeling and why so that you can understand me better too.”  

The Valentine Pledge is the best gift you can give your significant other. It carries more weight than gold or diamonds, will outlast chocolates or flowers, and will add an ongoing richness to your lives that no romantic dinner can offer. 

If you follow this Pledge, you can make every day Valentine’s Day. No candy or flowers required.

 

Dr. Jonice Webb – Bio

Dr. Jonice Webb is the author of Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect (Morgan James Publishing, October, 2012). Dr. Webb has been interviewed on dozens of radio shows across the United States and Canada about Childhood Emotional Neglect and has appeared on The Literati Scene in Boston. She has a PhD in clinical psychology, and has been licensed to practice since 1991. She currently has a private psychotherapy practice in Lexington, MA, where she specializes in the treatment of couples and families. Dr. Webb resides in the Boston area with her husband and two children.

 

Twitter: @jwebbphd

www.facebook.com/JWebbPhd

The Emotional Neglect Questionnaire

 

I’ve been receiving requests to post the Emotional Neglect Questionnaire on my website, so here it is! Keep in mind that this is not a scientifically established test. I made it up based upon my own experience working with scores of Emotionally Neglected people and have found it to be very useful. If you have questions or comments about this test, I invite you to post them in the comments at the end of this blog, and I will be happy to respond.

I hope you find the Emotional Neglect Questionnaire helpful!

Circle the questions to which your answer is YES.

Emotional Neglect Questionnaire

Do You:

Sometimes feel like you don’t belong when with your family or friends
Pride yourself on not relying upon others
Have difficulty asking for help
Have friends or family who complain that you are aloof or distant
Feel you have not met your potential in life
Often just want to be left alone
Secretly feel that you may be a fraud
Tend to feel uncomfortable in social situations
 Often feel disappointed with, or angry at, yourself
 Judge yourself more harshly than you judge others
 Compare yourself to others and often find yourself sadly lacking
 Find it easier to love animals than people
 Often feel irritable or unhappy for no apparent reason
 Have trouble knowing what you’re feeling
 Have trouble identifying your strengths and weaknesses
Sometimes feel like you’re on the outside looking in
 Believe you’re one of those people who could easily live as a hermit
 Have trouble calming yourself
 Feel there’s something holding you back from being present in the moment
 At times feel empty inside
 Secretly feel there’s something wrong with you
 Struggle with self-discipline 

Look back over your circled (YES) answers. These answers give you a window into the areas in which you may have experienced Emotional Neglect as a child. If you’ve circled 6 or more, this indicates that your Childhood Emotional Neglect was extensive.

 

Four Things You Must Do if You Feel Let Down After the Holidays

Every November, it starts to happen.

In the stores, on the sidewalks downtown, on the television, and even among our own family, we experience a push toward holiday spirit. It’s a gradual build toward Thanks; then Merriment; and finally on December 31, Reveling. It’s all fun (well, mostly fun for most people).

But all good things must come to an end. Many people have told me that starting as early as January 2, they start to feel a sense of grey doldrums. It may be that your Thanksgiving, Christmas, or Hanukkah family gathering didn’t go well. It may be that the Holidays never really met their full potential this year. Or it may be that your holidays were all terrific, and you are now faced with back to regular life: work, school, winter, and nothing special going on.

Most post-holiday doldrums will go away on their own, with time. But there are some things you can do to drive them off faster. I highly recommend fighting back so that your Winter of 2013 gets off to a good, solid start. There’s nothing like taking action to make you feel in control of your life and your happiness. Here are Four Tips to put you in charge of your post-holiday doldrums:

Make A Plan: to do something fun. Put it on the calendar, and then you’ll have it to look forward to.
Connect: with a friend or positive person in your life. Meet someone for coffee, or go to a movie. Spending time with people you like and enjoy causes the release of Oxytocin in your brain, which combats sadness.
Fight: against the sense of malaise.  Make yourself get up, get out and do healthy things, like exercise, window shop, look at art in a museum or cook good food for example.
Set a goal: for 2013. Choose something that will make you smile when you look back on it on 1/1/14. Check out my blog called “ New Year’s Resolution Revolution ” for ideas about how to maximize your success.

Don’t let that gray feeling take you over. It’s the best way to get a good start to the year.

Happy 2013!