Seth Kaufman's Blog

The Domestic Betting Line for Your Super Bowl Experience

The New Yorker just put my piece, Super Bowl XLVIII Bets, up online. In the world of exotic bets that now exist thanks to online gambling, I’m pretty sure none of the categories in my piece have been handicapped in Vegas. At least I’m sure no one is offering a bet on the chance that Apple debuts a really cool commercial with a song you’ve actually heard before. I give that a 200 to 1 odds. You can read more here.

My Selfie Attack

The word “selfie,” that act of taking a “selfie,” the obsessive posting of “selfies”–it’s kind of disturbing.

And so I decided to make a faux art project called Song of My Selfies: Portrait of the Artist as the Most Self-Absorbed MF on the Planet.

I think it is…well, let’s just say I’ve very pleased with it.

Thank You, Dave Madden

As you have probably heard by now, the actor who played Reuben Kincaid on The Partridge Family has died. His name was Dave Madden, and I know almost nothing about him–he was Canadian, he lived to be 82–except what I remember of what I saw on TV.

And what I remember isn’t much. I’ve seen news reports describing his character as child-hating. But I think of Kincaid as a decent beleaguered, manager of a squeaky-clean pop band who had to deal with the annoying Danny Bonaduce character.

That long-suffering decency and the absurd idea of  a music manager-as-super-hero/spy lead me to the idea of Reuben Kincaid III, the son of the Partridge Family impresario. My character frequently recalls his TV dad,  which allows him to share lessons learned, show biz gossip, and riffs on a Hollywood childhood.  You can read it all here in The Kincaid Chronicles, which began as promotional emails form my band, but gradually morphed in something more twisted.

The King of Pain: Free for Kindle Users

So, I’m unemployed for the first time in 20 years.

I’m really happy because of the freedom that comes with not having to go to a job and really depressed because of the anxiety that comes with not having any money coming in.

Also, I’ve been bummed that my book, which I’m very proud of and which I think is both funny and relevant, hasn’t gotten the attention or readership it deserves.

So  last week I decided to give the book away for five days to kindle users.

After one day of being free, The King of Pain is now ranked #98 out of all the Free Books for Kindle.

I guess this makes me a best non-selling author. I’ll take it.

The book will remain free for the next four days. I hope to give away many thousands of copies. I don’t know what will happen to it after that. Maybe it will sell via word of mouth. Maybe some book groups will read it. Who knows?  I’m sure I’ll get some interesting positive and negative reviews. But at least the book is out there and getting looked at. As a writer, I’m grateful for that.  Here’s the link to download it.

http://www.amazon.com/The-King-Pain-novel-stories-ebook/dp/B008BST41E

 

New Post on newyorker.com

Yes, I’m working on two novels at the moment, but I took some time out to write a funny piece based on the New York Subway’s endless schedule changes and departing mayor Bloomberg’s questionable policies.

You can read it here.

And have a great holiday.

Over Thanksgiving I flew to London and back for a wedding...

Over Thanksgiving I flew to London and back for a wedding.  I decided to use my travel time watching three movies that are rooted in the current  zombie/apocalypse/dystopia craze This Is The End, World War Z, and Elysium.  As the author of In My Teenage Dystopian Movie, I was pleased with how much I got right: The sudden, unaccountable rise of terror. The one man and girl side-kick against the world, the pathetic lives of Zombies and their sick voices, the last survivors on earth, etc. Which, I guess, proves that you can write Hollywood satire based on watching movie trailers, never mind the movie itself.

My notes:

This is the End: has some great moments of humor, yet  it feels like a comedy that wants to blow the whole genre up, but can’t do it, because it loves it too much and, hell, it’s hard to out-silly a silly genre. Still extra points for filming a bible-based apocalypse.  Also, I enjoy comedians as ham actors, and watching these guys try to  “run for their lives” and be terrified by CGI stand-ins was fun in a bad way.

World War Z: If action movies are about spectacular spectacle, than this scores points. And Brad Pitt is great at giving us what we want: a ridiculously handsome, quick, super smart, passionate hero. But the question for me is, what is the fascination with zombies? They don’t’ exist. Do we want to them to? Is there something great about being undead? I know it’s fun to scare your self silly, but I simply get no kicks from zombies. But then I never got slasher movies, either.

In Elysium, the evildoers are very much a live. They are us, living breathing humans, content to thrive while others suffer in the blistering world of the mid 2100”s. Jason Bourne, I mean Matt Damon keeps getting better and better at being a muscle-bound, lethal everyman. Elysium felt more comic bookish in terms of plot, world view, and drama. But I loved, loved, loved director Neill Blomkamp’s first big movie, District 9, and he brings his core strengths—stunning use of technology and the amazing Sharlto Copley—to proceedings here. Of all these three movies, nobody comes close to dominating the screen as Copley, who may have an advantage with his Afrikaner accent that projects a frightening manic intensity rarely heard on the screen or anywhere

I still think In My Teenage Dystopian Movie is just as fun. But then I’m bias.

 

Writing to the Tenth Power

My friend Tom Rayfiel has a terrific new book out called In Pinelight. It’s one of the most impressive novels to come across my desk this year. It’s also one of the most innovative, engaging and well structured books, too. The story? 270 pages of an elderly man speaking to a stranger who has come to visit. What unfolds is the story of man’s life in a small town in upstate New York.

That summary, of course, might suggest it’s not a thrilling story, but it is. As you listen to the elderly man share snippets of his family, his friendships and his struggles, unspoken truths begin to emerge and the novel’s last 100 pages just barrel on, revealing details that bring relationships and alternate meanings into focus with a real sense of momentum and energy. I had to finish it.

In Pinelight is not, at the start, an easy read. It’s a stream of conscious novel and Rayfiel does away entirely with any punctuation that isn’t a period. This forces you to focus, as you follow the run-on sentences, the changes in subjects, the careening monologues. But the result is a totally immersive and hypnotic.

So, if you are in the market for a perfectly executed, Faulkner-like character study, a virtuoso performance rendering a voice (Rayfiel is an expert at this; in his acclaimed novel Colony Girl, he channels a teen-age girl’s voice with astounding accuracy), a re-creation of a vanishing world, and a tale that breaks your heart, then this is a book for you.

The Case of the Left Handed Book Blurb?

Just saw a blurb by Philip Roth regarding Robert Stone’s upcoming DEATH OF THE BLACK-HAIRED GIRL. The first thought that popped into my mind was: who the hell is Francois Maruiac? The second thought was: is this a left-handed blurb? Here read it for yourself:

“In his fiction, Robert Stone is immersed no less profoundly in envisioning the drama of human evil in action than was the great French Catholic novelist and Nobel Laureate, Francois Mauriac.

Not only with his brilliant new novel, Death of the Black-Haired Girl but from the early novels such as Dog Soldiers and A Flag at Sunrise down to later books like Damascus Gate and Bay of Souls, he has demonstrated again and again that he is no less a master than Mauriac of the tragic novel–of depicting the fatal inner workings of revenge, hatred, betrayal, and zealotry–and that, like Mauriac, he is the pitiless guardian of a cast of sufferers on whose tribulations he manages to bestow a kind of shattered mercy.”–Philip Roth

Now, this is unquestionably a rave. But who is it really a rave for? For Stone, a well-regarded novelist, or for Maruiac, a forgotten (by me, anyway) laureate? Yes, Roth calls the new book “brilliant,” but I read this and went straight to look up Maruiac on the web. I didn’t give Death of the Black-Haired Girl a second thought until after I’d investigated Maruiac.

Look how the second paragraph would read if you stripped out the mention of the older writer:

Not only with his brilliant new novel, Death of the Black-Haired Girl but from the early novels such as Dog Soldiers and A Flag at Sunrise down to later books like Damascus Gate and Bay of Souls, he has demonstrated again and again that he a master of the tragic novel–of depicting the fatal inner workings of revenge, hatred, betrayal, and zealotry–and that he is the pitiless guardian of a cast of sufferers on whose tribulations he manages to bestow a kind of shattered mercy.

Now that would be a total rave, with all the attention on Stone.

I’m sure Roth likes the new book and Stone. But I think his main objective may have been to revive interest in a personal favorite. On the other hand, he could, and probably is, just saying what he feels about both writers. Roth, in any case, may have stopped writing, but to me he remains as fascinating as ever.

CAN YOU HANDLE A SEX SCANDAL?

Take our quiz to see if you’ve got what it takes to be a master of disaster.

1. Are you famous, almost famous, rich, or actually very talented?

a. Yes (5 pts)

b. No (2 pts)

2. Are any of your family and friends famous, almost famous, rich or actually very talented?

a. Yes (5 pts)

b. No (2 pts)

3. Do you consider Kardashian an adjective?

a. Yes (2 pts)

b. No (5 pts)

c. Don’t understand the question (10 pts)

4. Can your name or profession be linked a popular song, TV show or movie title in a way that has sexual overtones? Think hard. Everything has sexual overtones, including the statement “Think hard.”

a. Yes (10 pts)

b. No (5 pts)

5. Which of the following terms best describes your attitudes toward hook ups:

a. YOLO (10 pts)

b OTDL (10 pts)

c. Swag! (10 pts)

d. I have a DSL connection. (0 pts)

6. How good are you at lying?

a. Not very (2 pt)

b. Deny, deny, deny (5 pts)

c. It depends on what the meaning of the word “lying’ is (8 pts)

d. Hey! You’ll never guess what happened to me today! (10 pts)

7. Which statement best describes your relationship with your cellphone?

a. It’s complicated (5 pts)

b. Hold on a sec, let me just finish this text(10 pts)

c. I can’t figure out how to check messages (2pts)

d. I could hack the Pentagon but I’m so paranoid about NSA surveillance, I’ve gone off the grid (0 pts)

8. Are you a clergy member, athlete, politician or cop?

a. Yes (8 pts)

b. No (2 pts)

c. No comment (10 pts)

9. When someone mentions sexting, you:

a. Confuse the term with sextet. (2 pts)

b. Reach for your phone. (5 pts)

c. Just don’t understand. (2 pts)

d. Remember those pix from three years ago. (10 pts)

10. Which nom de nookie (that’s French for “scandal handle”) would you choose for yourself?

a. Naughty‘n’NextDoor (4 pts)

b. TheLonelyUnicorn (1 pt)

c. YoI’mTheWad (5 pts)

d. BarelyLegal (10 pts)

11. Do you know how to send a private message on Twitter?

a. Yes. (5 pts)

b. No (5 pts)

12. When it comes to justifying your actions, you:

a. Can justify anything (5 pts)

b. Accept full responsibility (2 pts)

c. Accept full responsibility but none of the blame (8 pts)

d. Are really sorry and thank everyone for understanding this personal matter (10pts)

YOUR SCORE

Under 30: ScanDEAD. Your mojo is MIA. When it comes to subterfuge, deviance, polymorphous perversity and scuzzy behavior, you are flat lining.

30-50: ScanDULL. Your game needs serious work. Start small: More Bravo, less PBS. More porn, less PTA.

51-to-75: ScanDAMN! Ooh-la-la! (That’s French for “ooh-la-la.”) You’ve got the goods, but do you have guile?

Over 75: ScanDALICIOUS! You are a danger to yourself and everyone you are sleeping with, or want to sleep with. Make sure you have a publicist, an agent, a lawyer and some loyal friends. Oh, and a really good headshot.

Next month: Find out your Humiliated Spouse Quotient!

HUMOR PIECE ON NEWYORKER.COM

I have a Shouts and Murmurs piece on The New Yorker website. It’s a series of letters from the editor of Dreams Quarterly. You can check it out here.