Chris Chalmers's Blog
February 10, 2013
POEM WOT I WROTE
Here's a little something from the archives. You can judge for yourself whether it should have stayed there...
A couple of years ago I went on a Faber writing weekend, held above a bookshop in one of the Chipping villages. I didn't see David Cameron or Rebekah Wade, though we did share a restaurant with Alex James one night, who was holding forth about farming... Anyway on the Sunday afternoon the tutor, who was Salley Vickers, author of Miss Garnet's Angel, sent us into the village square to write about something we saw.
I saw the butcher's shop, which was closed reasonably enough. This was the result:
CARCASSES IN THE WINDOW
Trev Cumbernauld, when you were young
Did you talk careers with mum?
Astronaut or engine driver,
Referee or deep sea diver?
“Not for me,” perhaps you crowed,
“Mine, Mum, is a different road!
Chops and brisket, ribs and haunch
From snout to tail, from plate to paunch;
Meat is where my future lies
And serving folk, eschewing cries
Of tastelessness at my display
From passing vegans; for what do they
Know about the finest fillets
For roasting, grilling and filling skillets?
My shop will be a fleshly beacon.
So sod the veggies, Mum, for they can
Go and take a running jump
If they object to oozing stump
Of ruby flesh turned flaky grey;
A feast on any sunny day!”
But had Mum hoped, Trev, you’d aspire
To nobler cause, a calling higher?
And would she, if she’s still around,
Change her viewpoint as she found,
Pausing at your shop, no less
Your Three Gold Stars for cleanliness?
Your posters for the local shows,
Card for spinster miss who sews?
Your stickers from the Daily Mail
Urging ‘JUST SAY NON’ to filthy snail
Eaters from across the channel,
Chompers of frog’s legs, dodgers of flannel?
Yes! Mum would smile, Trev, she would see
You skewered your market perfectly.
Retail raja, self-made man,
Lord Liver, King Kidney, the Hitler of Ham!
Lefties! Veggies! Vegans! Frogs!
Twittering do-gooders, writers of blogs;
However they sneer, Trev, however they look
Tell them to sling their butcher’s hook.
[AUTHOR'S FOOTNOTE: I don't eat meat. Can you tell?]
A couple of years ago I went on a Faber writing weekend, held above a bookshop in one of the Chipping villages. I didn't see David Cameron or Rebekah Wade, though we did share a restaurant with Alex James one night, who was holding forth about farming... Anyway on the Sunday afternoon the tutor, who was Salley Vickers, author of Miss Garnet's Angel, sent us into the village square to write about something we saw.
I saw the butcher's shop, which was closed reasonably enough. This was the result:
CARCASSES IN THE WINDOW
Trev Cumbernauld, when you were young
Did you talk careers with mum?
Astronaut or engine driver,
Referee or deep sea diver?
“Not for me,” perhaps you crowed,
“Mine, Mum, is a different road!
Chops and brisket, ribs and haunch
From snout to tail, from plate to paunch;
Meat is where my future lies
And serving folk, eschewing cries
Of tastelessness at my display
From passing vegans; for what do they
Know about the finest fillets
For roasting, grilling and filling skillets?
My shop will be a fleshly beacon.
So sod the veggies, Mum, for they can
Go and take a running jump
If they object to oozing stump
Of ruby flesh turned flaky grey;
A feast on any sunny day!”
But had Mum hoped, Trev, you’d aspire
To nobler cause, a calling higher?
And would she, if she’s still around,
Change her viewpoint as she found,
Pausing at your shop, no less
Your Three Gold Stars for cleanliness?
Your posters for the local shows,
Card for spinster miss who sews?
Your stickers from the Daily Mail
Urging ‘JUST SAY NON’ to filthy snail
Eaters from across the channel,
Chompers of frog’s legs, dodgers of flannel?
Yes! Mum would smile, Trev, she would see
You skewered your market perfectly.
Retail raja, self-made man,
Lord Liver, King Kidney, the Hitler of Ham!
Lefties! Veggies! Vegans! Frogs!
Twittering do-gooders, writers of blogs;
However they sneer, Trev, however they look
Tell them to sling their butcher’s hook.
[AUTHOR'S FOOTNOTE: I don't eat meat. Can you tell?]
February 9, 2013
WRITESTRONG?
7th February 2013
It was a pleasure to read at the very impressive Library of Camden Working Men's College last night. As an avowed South Londoner I'd never heard of it before, though it's quite a local landmark. Happily the audience gave Five To One - a tale of love, tragedy and the pre-and re-percussions of a helicopter crash on the other side of the river - a generous reception. Thanks to everyone who came along.
It's the first time I've read from it on the Watford-side of town, and the first since last month's dreadful accident in Vauxhall when a helicopter hit a crane, killing the pilot and one person on the ground. My blood ran a little cold that day; not least because one of the inspirations for that novel was an incident a few years ago when a crane collapsed in Battersea with similar, horrifyingly random results. It was a bit like fact and fiction coming together, all in the space of two square miles.
On to cheerier things. Outside my window this morning the sun is shining and one of our two semi-resident foxes is asleep under the fir tree. In other words, it's a perfect day for writing. And while my agent, Valeria, hunts down a home for the follow-up to Five To One which is called Light From Other Windows (by the way, I don't think I have second sight but just in case, you might want to avoid the Canary Islands this summer), I'm at the planning stage with my next novel.
This is always the scariest part for me, because every decision you take is accompanied by a looming feeling that if you set off down the wrong route, you just might spend the next year and a half of your life down there... But I have alighted on an idea I quite like. It popped into my head following recent revelations about the despicable Lance Armstrong and the even more odious Jimmy Savile. That said, it has nothing to do with cycling, drugs or under-age sex (...at least, not yet).
I have a title and I have a few characters, and now I'm going to see where they go. Wish me luck and I'll tell you all about it - probably in late 2014!
Oh, PS.... Big shout out for www.nationallibrariesday.org.uk this Saturday 9th February. Our libraries are a unique resource and under pressure like never before. As I looked around the majestic, be-sculpured interior of the College Library last night, it did strike me that, whilst I don't believe they'll ever disappear, they are in danger of becoming academic museum-pieces instead of a living environment available to all.
If you haven't visited your library lately, pop in this Saturday and see how they've moved with the times. Let's show our support and keep them where they belong.
For more about me and my books - please visit www.chrischalmers.net
It was a pleasure to read at the very impressive Library of Camden Working Men's College last night. As an avowed South Londoner I'd never heard of it before, though it's quite a local landmark. Happily the audience gave Five To One - a tale of love, tragedy and the pre-and re-percussions of a helicopter crash on the other side of the river - a generous reception. Thanks to everyone who came along.
It's the first time I've read from it on the Watford-side of town, and the first since last month's dreadful accident in Vauxhall when a helicopter hit a crane, killing the pilot and one person on the ground. My blood ran a little cold that day; not least because one of the inspirations for that novel was an incident a few years ago when a crane collapsed in Battersea with similar, horrifyingly random results. It was a bit like fact and fiction coming together, all in the space of two square miles.
On to cheerier things. Outside my window this morning the sun is shining and one of our two semi-resident foxes is asleep under the fir tree. In other words, it's a perfect day for writing. And while my agent, Valeria, hunts down a home for the follow-up to Five To One which is called Light From Other Windows (by the way, I don't think I have second sight but just in case, you might want to avoid the Canary Islands this summer), I'm at the planning stage with my next novel.
This is always the scariest part for me, because every decision you take is accompanied by a looming feeling that if you set off down the wrong route, you just might spend the next year and a half of your life down there... But I have alighted on an idea I quite like. It popped into my head following recent revelations about the despicable Lance Armstrong and the even more odious Jimmy Savile. That said, it has nothing to do with cycling, drugs or under-age sex (...at least, not yet).
I have a title and I have a few characters, and now I'm going to see where they go. Wish me luck and I'll tell you all about it - probably in late 2014!
Oh, PS.... Big shout out for www.nationallibrariesday.org.uk this Saturday 9th February. Our libraries are a unique resource and under pressure like never before. As I looked around the majestic, be-sculpured interior of the College Library last night, it did strike me that, whilst I don't believe they'll ever disappear, they are in danger of becoming academic museum-pieces instead of a living environment available to all.
If you haven't visited your library lately, pop in this Saturday and see how they've moved with the times. Let's show our support and keep them where they belong.
For more about me and my books - please visit www.chrischalmers.net
