Graham Aitchison's Blog, page 6
October 3, 2012
Finding a balance
When I was 21 and in my second semester at Faith Bible College, a good friend of mine shared with me that he was praying for me and he got the word "axis", which can relate to the word "balance". I didn't quite know what he meant by this word at the time, but it stayed with me ever since and only recently has it come to light what that word actually means for me personally.
When I was graduating from Faith Bible College, one of the visiting prophets was watching me playing drums. I was flailing around and beating seven shades out of them, as that's just the way that I play. Those who know me in person will agree with this :) He later came up to me and said that watching me playing was almost like watching a person with another person inside of him who was trying to get out. Once again, those words stuck with me and I never forgot them.
Since the revelation I had in August last year that has started to free me of the terrible mental sickness that has kept me tightly wound for 27 and a half years, both of these words have begun to make sense. Because of the oppression and fear that kept me trapped inside myself I was often known as "a man of extremes". Most of the time I was extremely passive to the point of willingly letting anyone trample me into the ground just because it was safer to do that than fight back and have something worse happen to me. Other times, depending on circumstances I would swing right to the other extreme and become incredibly aggressive to the point where I'd feel no shame in verbally tearing someone to shreds despite who was around me at the time. I often saw genuine fear in the eyes of the people who faced this sort of behavior from me.
It was like I was a pendulum and I was permanently stuck fast onto one side of the equation, as far to that side as I could possibly go - although occasionally I would swing as far as I could to the other extreme. In short - there was no balance in my life. Once I realized the root of my sickness and began to get well and find my place in the world for the first time - that pendulum is starting to swing again, back and forth between passive and aggressive, although when it swings back into passive I am not nearly as passive as what I used to be and when it swings to the aggressive side, I'm more capable of being in control of my emotions while still expressing anger and getting my point across without seeing red and exploding to the same degree that I used to.
As I continue to heal and become stronger emotionally, my emotional state of mind is swinging back and forth far less than it used to and I am moving towards the center point of assertiveness which is when I will be truly in a place of balance for the first time ever. I can see assertiveness as being able to be gentle yet firm at the same time and being able to get angry about the right things yet keep a clear head and not be fazed by the reactions of others to my expression of anger. I'm getting closer to this all of the time, and it's a good place that I am coming into.
It's certainly been an interesting journey even getting to this point. As I am getting more comfortable in my own skin and become more of who I was always meant to be, I am finding that my personality is quite different than I initially anticipated. I always saw myself as a super nice, supportive, quiet type of person but I am realizing that I am really designed to be a strong, no-nonsense leader with a softer side that can be used when necessary as well as the discernment to tell when to use which side of my personality. I used to terribly fear strong leaders and now I realize that the reason I feared them was because they were touching on parts of my personality that had been trapped and buried within my own heart and weren't free enough to come out yet.
Another thing that's interesting is seeing people's reactions to the "new me". Some people appreciate the strength that is coming through but others who are obviously used to having someone like me in their pocket to be walked all over whenever they see fit, seem to get quite annoyed at the fact that I no longer fit in their pocket and that they can't control me anymore. Often their response has been to cut me out of their lives. A few years ago this would have devastated me and left me begging and pleading for them to return because I was so caught up in relationship addiction. These days, it's just not the case. If someone doesn't appreciate the new me and wants me out of their life as a result - I just let them go. Sometimes I've even taken active steps to remove people I felt were holding me back for various reasons.
Coming into the place of balance through learning about who you are can be quite an intimidating journey as you find yourself having to face things in yourself and in others that you don't like and you often find yourself making tough calls, which are always difficult to make the first time round - but its a necessary part of growing into your own skin and becoming who you are created to be. You can't live on one side of the spectrum forever, occasionally swinging right to the other extreme when necessary. The healthiest thing you can do is ask God to help guide you to the changes you need to make in your own heart so that you can find your own personal place of balance and become the person you were always meant to be.
When I was graduating from Faith Bible College, one of the visiting prophets was watching me playing drums. I was flailing around and beating seven shades out of them, as that's just the way that I play. Those who know me in person will agree with this :) He later came up to me and said that watching me playing was almost like watching a person with another person inside of him who was trying to get out. Once again, those words stuck with me and I never forgot them.
Since the revelation I had in August last year that has started to free me of the terrible mental sickness that has kept me tightly wound for 27 and a half years, both of these words have begun to make sense. Because of the oppression and fear that kept me trapped inside myself I was often known as "a man of extremes". Most of the time I was extremely passive to the point of willingly letting anyone trample me into the ground just because it was safer to do that than fight back and have something worse happen to me. Other times, depending on circumstances I would swing right to the other extreme and become incredibly aggressive to the point where I'd feel no shame in verbally tearing someone to shreds despite who was around me at the time. I often saw genuine fear in the eyes of the people who faced this sort of behavior from me.
It was like I was a pendulum and I was permanently stuck fast onto one side of the equation, as far to that side as I could possibly go - although occasionally I would swing as far as I could to the other extreme. In short - there was no balance in my life. Once I realized the root of my sickness and began to get well and find my place in the world for the first time - that pendulum is starting to swing again, back and forth between passive and aggressive, although when it swings back into passive I am not nearly as passive as what I used to be and when it swings to the aggressive side, I'm more capable of being in control of my emotions while still expressing anger and getting my point across without seeing red and exploding to the same degree that I used to.
As I continue to heal and become stronger emotionally, my emotional state of mind is swinging back and forth far less than it used to and I am moving towards the center point of assertiveness which is when I will be truly in a place of balance for the first time ever. I can see assertiveness as being able to be gentle yet firm at the same time and being able to get angry about the right things yet keep a clear head and not be fazed by the reactions of others to my expression of anger. I'm getting closer to this all of the time, and it's a good place that I am coming into.
It's certainly been an interesting journey even getting to this point. As I am getting more comfortable in my own skin and become more of who I was always meant to be, I am finding that my personality is quite different than I initially anticipated. I always saw myself as a super nice, supportive, quiet type of person but I am realizing that I am really designed to be a strong, no-nonsense leader with a softer side that can be used when necessary as well as the discernment to tell when to use which side of my personality. I used to terribly fear strong leaders and now I realize that the reason I feared them was because they were touching on parts of my personality that had been trapped and buried within my own heart and weren't free enough to come out yet.
Another thing that's interesting is seeing people's reactions to the "new me". Some people appreciate the strength that is coming through but others who are obviously used to having someone like me in their pocket to be walked all over whenever they see fit, seem to get quite annoyed at the fact that I no longer fit in their pocket and that they can't control me anymore. Often their response has been to cut me out of their lives. A few years ago this would have devastated me and left me begging and pleading for them to return because I was so caught up in relationship addiction. These days, it's just not the case. If someone doesn't appreciate the new me and wants me out of their life as a result - I just let them go. Sometimes I've even taken active steps to remove people I felt were holding me back for various reasons.
Coming into the place of balance through learning about who you are can be quite an intimidating journey as you find yourself having to face things in yourself and in others that you don't like and you often find yourself making tough calls, which are always difficult to make the first time round - but its a necessary part of growing into your own skin and becoming who you are created to be. You can't live on one side of the spectrum forever, occasionally swinging right to the other extreme when necessary. The healthiest thing you can do is ask God to help guide you to the changes you need to make in your own heart so that you can find your own personal place of balance and become the person you were always meant to be.
September 9, 2012
Please help support this reviewer!
Hello to my readers out there -
I'd like to invite you all to check out this amazing review for No Way Out But Through from Rebecca Aarup.
This is the review she has kindly written for my book in full.
Mental illness, spiritual warfare, addiction, bullying, rage, hopelessness, physical sickness, abuse, emotional torture–Graham Aitchison divulges the deepest secrets of his life’s journey with startling transparency in No Way Out But Through.Anyone who has experienced the pain of the above mentioned issues will find themselves nodding in agreement as they read Graham’s story. The text is refreshingly real—as if you are sitting in a living room listening to the author tell you his story first-hand. It’s rare that a book is written from the view of “sharing” rather than “preaching”. Along with the “realness” of the authors journey is a manuscript packed with spiritual truth.I found this to be a fascinating read once I got into the meat of the story. So much of Graham’s life reflects my own struggles with mental illness. Often the journey through mental/emotional sickness leads one into isolation, misunderstanding, and intense loneliness, but knowing others have suffered as you have brings great comfort. Even for the reader who has not experienced such things, there is much to learn from No Way Out But Through. Graham’s book provides a resource for the confused family members and frustrated friends of those who do deal with these issues. All around it’s a book many people could benefit from.What I found most interesting was Graham’s discussion of Christianity and mental illness. No doubt this is a subject of much debate in the Church today leaving the mentally distressed guilt-ridden and most everyone else critical of such “mental” experiences.“Throughout everything I was learning to break through, there was one essential factor to the whole process that I became more and more aware of over time – the great love and endless patience that God has for people, especially those who struggle with any form of mental illness.”Graham acknowledges the spiritual warfare at play within his mind as well as how God brought him through overwhelming, debilitating darkness. Much of his journey to healing started with honesty within himself and before God. Many of the points he makes throughout the book remind me of what I learned in the 12-step programs I’ve been through. I especially appreciated his conversation regarding change within the heart rather than change in one’s circumstances.“Change for the better starts from within, and will then eventually be followed by external change – not the other way around. We will never solve our own problems through trying to blame others for what are actually our own responsibilities, nor will we solve our problems through continued disregard of our own emotions and hearts, and through listening to an increasingly shallow and self-serving society.”“Modern society in many ways tells people to look for peace and happiness in external circumstances, hence the abundance of consumerism. Christ’s way of thinking, which He passes on to those who follow him, encourages the individual to seek out true, lasting peace and understanding through looking honestly into the mirror and journeying with God through the parts of themselves they would rather avoid.”Admittedly not everyone will relate to Graham’s story, but plenty of people will relate or know someone who can. If you’ve ever wondered what goes on in the mind of someone suffering with mental illness such as depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, severe anxiety, anger, or bullying, then you will learn much from Graham’s story. No Way Out But Through reads like a journal–raw and real.“God’s way of thinking is a total contradiction to the world’s way of thinking. The world’s way of thinking encourages dishonesty, shallowness, irresponsibility and pride. God’s way of thinking encourages honesty, depth, personal responsibility and humility.”Thankfully, this is exactly what Graham has done—spoken with depth, honesty, responsibility and humility.For a limited time you can purchase Graham Aithchison’s book, No Way Out But Through from Amazon.com for only $2.99. Click HERE to buy the book now.(I purchased this book with my own money and did not receive it in exchange for a good review. The opinions expressed here were my own.)
Here is the link to her blogsite where the review is posted, along with her Twitter and Facebook pages - please help support her by "liking" her page and following her!
http://rebeccaaarup.com/2012/09/09/no-way-out-but-through-by-graham-aitchison/
https://twitter.com/Undivided_Heart
https://www.facebook.com/DailyInspirationsPsalm119
I'd like to invite you all to check out this amazing review for No Way Out But Through from Rebecca Aarup.
This is the review she has kindly written for my book in full.
Mental illness, spiritual warfare, addiction, bullying, rage, hopelessness, physical sickness, abuse, emotional torture–Graham Aitchison divulges the deepest secrets of his life’s journey with startling transparency in No Way Out But Through.Anyone who has experienced the pain of the above mentioned issues will find themselves nodding in agreement as they read Graham’s story. The text is refreshingly real—as if you are sitting in a living room listening to the author tell you his story first-hand. It’s rare that a book is written from the view of “sharing” rather than “preaching”. Along with the “realness” of the authors journey is a manuscript packed with spiritual truth.I found this to be a fascinating read once I got into the meat of the story. So much of Graham’s life reflects my own struggles with mental illness. Often the journey through mental/emotional sickness leads one into isolation, misunderstanding, and intense loneliness, but knowing others have suffered as you have brings great comfort. Even for the reader who has not experienced such things, there is much to learn from No Way Out But Through. Graham’s book provides a resource for the confused family members and frustrated friends of those who do deal with these issues. All around it’s a book many people could benefit from.What I found most interesting was Graham’s discussion of Christianity and mental illness. No doubt this is a subject of much debate in the Church today leaving the mentally distressed guilt-ridden and most everyone else critical of such “mental” experiences.“Throughout everything I was learning to break through, there was one essential factor to the whole process that I became more and more aware of over time – the great love and endless patience that God has for people, especially those who struggle with any form of mental illness.”Graham acknowledges the spiritual warfare at play within his mind as well as how God brought him through overwhelming, debilitating darkness. Much of his journey to healing started with honesty within himself and before God. Many of the points he makes throughout the book remind me of what I learned in the 12-step programs I’ve been through. I especially appreciated his conversation regarding change within the heart rather than change in one’s circumstances.“Change for the better starts from within, and will then eventually be followed by external change – not the other way around. We will never solve our own problems through trying to blame others for what are actually our own responsibilities, nor will we solve our problems through continued disregard of our own emotions and hearts, and through listening to an increasingly shallow and self-serving society.”“Modern society in many ways tells people to look for peace and happiness in external circumstances, hence the abundance of consumerism. Christ’s way of thinking, which He passes on to those who follow him, encourages the individual to seek out true, lasting peace and understanding through looking honestly into the mirror and journeying with God through the parts of themselves they would rather avoid.”Admittedly not everyone will relate to Graham’s story, but plenty of people will relate or know someone who can. If you’ve ever wondered what goes on in the mind of someone suffering with mental illness such as depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, severe anxiety, anger, or bullying, then you will learn much from Graham’s story. No Way Out But Through reads like a journal–raw and real.“God’s way of thinking is a total contradiction to the world’s way of thinking. The world’s way of thinking encourages dishonesty, shallowness, irresponsibility and pride. God’s way of thinking encourages honesty, depth, personal responsibility and humility.”Thankfully, this is exactly what Graham has done—spoken with depth, honesty, responsibility and humility.For a limited time you can purchase Graham Aithchison’s book, No Way Out But Through from Amazon.com for only $2.99. Click HERE to buy the book now.(I purchased this book with my own money and did not receive it in exchange for a good review. The opinions expressed here were my own.)
Here is the link to her blogsite where the review is posted, along with her Twitter and Facebook pages - please help support her by "liking" her page and following her!
http://rebeccaaarup.com/2012/09/09/no-way-out-but-through-by-graham-aitchison/
https://twitter.com/Undivided_Heart
https://www.facebook.com/DailyInspirationsPsalm119
August 18, 2012
Be the change you want to see
To my regular readers out there, you will be familiar with the fact that my topics of interest usually revolve around the psychology of dealing with the heart of the matter and analyzing why people do things instead of just reacting to it. Though this method of thinking has served me extremely well (and continues to do so) this week my eyes have been opened to the other side of the coin - which is about taking action.
I have been trying to get over a very painful situation that happened to me recently and no matter how hard I tried, how deeply I searched my own heart and how much I confessed and analyzed my own emotions and behavior I just simply couldn't get free of it. God had told me previously that I needed to get over myself so my immediate assumption was that I had to deal with my own heart and once I had finished dealing with my own heart, the trial would be over. However, it seemed that as time went on, the trial just kept on getting worse and no matter how much darkness I pushed through within myself, it wasn't going away - in fact the torment was getting heavier and harder to deal with.
Last week I just thought to myself out of the blue - perhaps the time for analysis of the heart is over and I'm just meant to step out and do something about this and speak directly and honestly to the people involved. The second I decided to do this - this huge weight just lifted off me and I began to feel God's peace again for the first time in a long time. I stopped sitting and suffering under the trial and stood up and took charge and said to myself and one of the people involved that I'm not going to put up with this anymore and that I was severing all ties with them and that I had to do this to be able to move on. Once I did this - the bonds that were holding me back broke and I moved forward feeling refreshed. I even found myself singing in church this Sunday which hasn't happened for a long time.
This whole experience has taught me something. When God was telling me to get over myself I thought He meant that I was just to sit around and be passive and suffer and that once my heart was perfectly clean then the trial would be gone because even though the circumstantial suffering was still present, because my heart was clean and perfect it wouldn't matter anymore, and that's what I was striving towards. But I realized that this wasn't the case and that the more I aimed for that, the more frustrated and unhappy I became. I was just going in circles. Until I finally realized that God meant something else altogether when He was telling me to get over myself. He was really saying - "Get over your passiveness, stand up and be a man, make people face the consequences of their actions, take charge for once in your life. It's not wrong and it's not ungodly manipulation. I'm training you to be a leader, and leaders have to learn that if they don't do something, nothing is going to change and that's what I've been trying to teach you all along."
As Christians, we are God's "hands and feet" in the world. The Holy Spirit can do a lot through us - but there are times when we need to step out and take charge of things and stand up for what we believe is right and what we believe we need to do - regardless of what others think. The fear I have experienced that has held me back is that people are going to deny me the ability to speak out and that people are going to come against me and turn on me when I attempt to get over them and do what I feel I need to do regardless of who turns against me. My belief has been that I plain and simply would not be able to survive and endure this. However this is my wrong belief system and is what has been holding me back from becoming the man and the leader that God wants me to be.
Of course, we still need to rely on the guidance of the Holy Spirit to lead us in the right direction and to give us the right words to say and the right actions to take. Just lashing out in red-blooded rage (as I have been known to do in the past at times) can be very destructive and though the message in the rage I have been trying to portray has been correct, the message has been lost due to the explosiveness of how it was delivered which more often than not has come from other emotions from other unresolved issues feeding into the way I try to communicate the message I need to get across to people. I am convinced that the events of the past week have happened at the right time. If it was any sooner I may not have been able to see clearly enough to portray my message accurately due to having unresolved emotions in my own heart still holding me back. If it was any later, I would have gone insane. So there is a right time for everything and the concept of searching your own heart still applies.
I guess what I am trying to express more than anything is the need for balance. As Josh Harris once so eloquently put it - it's like we are driving a car on the road with a big ditch on each side. We drive into one ditch and then drive back out - only to drive into the ditch on the other side of the road! I am aware that I have been out of balance in terms of looking too deep into things and trying to find the answers inside myself to pain and suffering when there have been times when I simply needed to just step out and do something about it - but because I didn't believe I was capable of doing that or that it was the right thing to do, I'd just bury myself back in my own heart and try to find the answers to get me out of what I was feeling when the answers were there all along - to go out and change things circumstantially. I'd just overlooked them because I didn't think they were right and thus condemned myself to endless frustration until I finally woke up and smelt the coffee and realized what I had to do.
In conclusion, friends, don't hesitate to deal with your own heart when you feel you need to, but don't become so utterly engrossed in this when you actually need to "be the change you want to see" by stepping out and actively doing something about it.
Take care.
I have been trying to get over a very painful situation that happened to me recently and no matter how hard I tried, how deeply I searched my own heart and how much I confessed and analyzed my own emotions and behavior I just simply couldn't get free of it. God had told me previously that I needed to get over myself so my immediate assumption was that I had to deal with my own heart and once I had finished dealing with my own heart, the trial would be over. However, it seemed that as time went on, the trial just kept on getting worse and no matter how much darkness I pushed through within myself, it wasn't going away - in fact the torment was getting heavier and harder to deal with.
Last week I just thought to myself out of the blue - perhaps the time for analysis of the heart is over and I'm just meant to step out and do something about this and speak directly and honestly to the people involved. The second I decided to do this - this huge weight just lifted off me and I began to feel God's peace again for the first time in a long time. I stopped sitting and suffering under the trial and stood up and took charge and said to myself and one of the people involved that I'm not going to put up with this anymore and that I was severing all ties with them and that I had to do this to be able to move on. Once I did this - the bonds that were holding me back broke and I moved forward feeling refreshed. I even found myself singing in church this Sunday which hasn't happened for a long time.
This whole experience has taught me something. When God was telling me to get over myself I thought He meant that I was just to sit around and be passive and suffer and that once my heart was perfectly clean then the trial would be gone because even though the circumstantial suffering was still present, because my heart was clean and perfect it wouldn't matter anymore, and that's what I was striving towards. But I realized that this wasn't the case and that the more I aimed for that, the more frustrated and unhappy I became. I was just going in circles. Until I finally realized that God meant something else altogether when He was telling me to get over myself. He was really saying - "Get over your passiveness, stand up and be a man, make people face the consequences of their actions, take charge for once in your life. It's not wrong and it's not ungodly manipulation. I'm training you to be a leader, and leaders have to learn that if they don't do something, nothing is going to change and that's what I've been trying to teach you all along."
As Christians, we are God's "hands and feet" in the world. The Holy Spirit can do a lot through us - but there are times when we need to step out and take charge of things and stand up for what we believe is right and what we believe we need to do - regardless of what others think. The fear I have experienced that has held me back is that people are going to deny me the ability to speak out and that people are going to come against me and turn on me when I attempt to get over them and do what I feel I need to do regardless of who turns against me. My belief has been that I plain and simply would not be able to survive and endure this. However this is my wrong belief system and is what has been holding me back from becoming the man and the leader that God wants me to be.
Of course, we still need to rely on the guidance of the Holy Spirit to lead us in the right direction and to give us the right words to say and the right actions to take. Just lashing out in red-blooded rage (as I have been known to do in the past at times) can be very destructive and though the message in the rage I have been trying to portray has been correct, the message has been lost due to the explosiveness of how it was delivered which more often than not has come from other emotions from other unresolved issues feeding into the way I try to communicate the message I need to get across to people. I am convinced that the events of the past week have happened at the right time. If it was any sooner I may not have been able to see clearly enough to portray my message accurately due to having unresolved emotions in my own heart still holding me back. If it was any later, I would have gone insane. So there is a right time for everything and the concept of searching your own heart still applies.
I guess what I am trying to express more than anything is the need for balance. As Josh Harris once so eloquently put it - it's like we are driving a car on the road with a big ditch on each side. We drive into one ditch and then drive back out - only to drive into the ditch on the other side of the road! I am aware that I have been out of balance in terms of looking too deep into things and trying to find the answers inside myself to pain and suffering when there have been times when I simply needed to just step out and do something about it - but because I didn't believe I was capable of doing that or that it was the right thing to do, I'd just bury myself back in my own heart and try to find the answers to get me out of what I was feeling when the answers were there all along - to go out and change things circumstantially. I'd just overlooked them because I didn't think they were right and thus condemned myself to endless frustration until I finally woke up and smelt the coffee and realized what I had to do.
In conclusion, friends, don't hesitate to deal with your own heart when you feel you need to, but don't become so utterly engrossed in this when you actually need to "be the change you want to see" by stepping out and actively doing something about it.
Take care.
June 26, 2012
Hello to all of my avid readers out there -Just to let yo...
Hello to all of my avid readers out there -
Just to let you know that the Kindle version of my book No Way Out But Through is now available via Amazon.com. You can pick it up at the following link -
No Way Out But Through
If you decide to buy it, please do leave me a review - I'd love to hear your thoughts.
:)
Just to let you know that the Kindle version of my book No Way Out But Through is now available via Amazon.com. You can pick it up at the following link -
No Way Out But Through
If you decide to buy it, please do leave me a review - I'd love to hear your thoughts.
:)
June 6, 2012
I've obeyed God so why have things got worse?
This has been something I have struggled with a lot throughout my Christian walk and it's something that I believe causes a lot of frustration in the lives of believers. It seems so unfair at times and can result in a lot of judgment headed in your direction from both believers and non-believers alike.
I've just finished walking through 40 of the hardest weeks in my life. I ended up having to resign from my job back in August last year as well as losing my health to some degree and ended up missing out on something that I once firmly believed was God's good plan for my life. Throughout this 40 weeks I've been living off a sickness benefit as well as savings from my job and trying to focus what little energy I've had into pushing through and overcoming some very dark places in myself, as well as being overwhelmed with frustration at times due to the way that things had gone down for me.
It can be easy to assume that I ended up in this position because of some great sin that I had committed and that I was somehow being repaid by God for it. However, this was not the case at all. Due to God putting someone on my heart, I developed an immense hope and expectation of what God had planned for me. Everything that I saw at face value seemed to line up with what I believed God had in store for me in this area and God seemed to be speaking very strongly indicating that this person He had put on my heart was going to be a big part of my future. As time went on, I began to see signs that perhaps what I was hoping for was not the right thing for me at all, yet God continued to encourage me to hold on to this person and not let them go. So I trusted Him and held on. Things then started to fall apart for me in terms of health and my performance at my job was subsequently affected. However, I continued to hold on and believe that things were going to get better by holding onto the hope that I had for my future with this person even as it continued to unravel before my eyes.
Eventually, it became apparent that what I believed was not going to happen. I'd got into a position of hope by trusting God and listening to God about this person despite my reservations. Seeing this hope unravel, combined with failing physical health and pressures at work pushed me over the edge and I went through the worst case of burnout I've ever faced. Shortly afterwards I became very bitter and angry about what had happened to me and for a long time, I blamed God for it as He had purposely set me up to believe that I was going to be blessed and had told me not to give up on someone I should have given up on a long time ago. I obeyed God and my life got catastrophically worse. I was angry and bitter, and righteously so as far as I was concerned because I'd done nothing but obey God and then had to see my entire life collapse in flames around me, simply for being obedient.
To say that this was a bitter blow was an understatement. I lost pretty much everything in the space of just a few weeks. I needed an answer as to why God had deliberately set this up to happen. God had allowed me to fail catastrophically and I needed to know why. The following scripture spoke right to the heart of my circumstances - "Then Jesus was lead by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the Devil." Matthew 4:1. Jesus did not end up in a deep period of suffering and desolation due to His own sin and selfishness, as He was without sin. He was there because the Spirit lead Him there.
He did not go there to be destroyed, though it would have been excruciatingly painful and hard for Him to have to face. He went there to fight and to emerge stronger than ever before. I believe that the wilderness is an integral part of our Christian faith and many (if not all) of the strongest and wisest people in the Bible were forced to walk through deep periods of wilderness in different forms. Noah was afloat for 40 days on the Ark with all of those animals. I hate to even think of the cabin fever that must have set in. Not to mention the smell. Elijah lived in the desert and was fed by ravens but he lived in poverty compared to the wicked rulership at the time that had driven him there. He was doing the right thing by God and was forced to live with next to nothing while those who openly practiced wickedness lived in absolute royalty. Job endured severe loss and suffering because God deliberately allowed Satan to test him. All of these people are regarded as heroes among scripture and they are there due to their desire to do right and obey God even when things had become seemingly unbearable.
Though this time of testing was very hard and sometimes had me wishing that none of this had ever happened to me, I am now standing at the end of it and I am really beginning to see the rewards. There is a deeper strength and clarity that has been sown into my life than was ever there before. I am far more confident in myself than I've ever been and I've experienced a period of rest throughout this time of desolation that I must say that I desperately needed. I also believe that I am far more ready than ever before to receive a blessing that I would have never been able to appreciate and probably never would have even been able to receive if I hadn't faced this time. God brought me to it - and as much as I initially resented Him for it - He has also brought me through it and I am now reaping the rewards.
If you have obeyed God and done what you believe wholeheartedly is the right thing and seen nothing but bitterness and destruction come your way, you are not alone. God leads His people into the wilderness and it's those who face the truth about themselves in the desolate times and truly make it through as wiser and stronger people that end up being trusted and highly esteemed by Him. Hang in there - and don't focus on what has brought you there - focus on what God is trying to teach you in this time and once you start learning it, you will see the worth in what has happened. I'd like to believe if the Bible was written today, there would be a book in there about me and what I've endured and come out the other side of. Wouldn't you like to be able to say the same, and to be regarded as one of the heroes of the faith in the modern day era?
Hang in there. You're stronger than you think. If God has brought you into the wilderness - don't resent Him for it. Just allow Him to do His work in your life and the rewards will come when you are ready.
I've just finished walking through 40 of the hardest weeks in my life. I ended up having to resign from my job back in August last year as well as losing my health to some degree and ended up missing out on something that I once firmly believed was God's good plan for my life. Throughout this 40 weeks I've been living off a sickness benefit as well as savings from my job and trying to focus what little energy I've had into pushing through and overcoming some very dark places in myself, as well as being overwhelmed with frustration at times due to the way that things had gone down for me.
It can be easy to assume that I ended up in this position because of some great sin that I had committed and that I was somehow being repaid by God for it. However, this was not the case at all. Due to God putting someone on my heart, I developed an immense hope and expectation of what God had planned for me. Everything that I saw at face value seemed to line up with what I believed God had in store for me in this area and God seemed to be speaking very strongly indicating that this person He had put on my heart was going to be a big part of my future. As time went on, I began to see signs that perhaps what I was hoping for was not the right thing for me at all, yet God continued to encourage me to hold on to this person and not let them go. So I trusted Him and held on. Things then started to fall apart for me in terms of health and my performance at my job was subsequently affected. However, I continued to hold on and believe that things were going to get better by holding onto the hope that I had for my future with this person even as it continued to unravel before my eyes.
Eventually, it became apparent that what I believed was not going to happen. I'd got into a position of hope by trusting God and listening to God about this person despite my reservations. Seeing this hope unravel, combined with failing physical health and pressures at work pushed me over the edge and I went through the worst case of burnout I've ever faced. Shortly afterwards I became very bitter and angry about what had happened to me and for a long time, I blamed God for it as He had purposely set me up to believe that I was going to be blessed and had told me not to give up on someone I should have given up on a long time ago. I obeyed God and my life got catastrophically worse. I was angry and bitter, and righteously so as far as I was concerned because I'd done nothing but obey God and then had to see my entire life collapse in flames around me, simply for being obedient.
To say that this was a bitter blow was an understatement. I lost pretty much everything in the space of just a few weeks. I needed an answer as to why God had deliberately set this up to happen. God had allowed me to fail catastrophically and I needed to know why. The following scripture spoke right to the heart of my circumstances - "Then Jesus was lead by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the Devil." Matthew 4:1. Jesus did not end up in a deep period of suffering and desolation due to His own sin and selfishness, as He was without sin. He was there because the Spirit lead Him there.
He did not go there to be destroyed, though it would have been excruciatingly painful and hard for Him to have to face. He went there to fight and to emerge stronger than ever before. I believe that the wilderness is an integral part of our Christian faith and many (if not all) of the strongest and wisest people in the Bible were forced to walk through deep periods of wilderness in different forms. Noah was afloat for 40 days on the Ark with all of those animals. I hate to even think of the cabin fever that must have set in. Not to mention the smell. Elijah lived in the desert and was fed by ravens but he lived in poverty compared to the wicked rulership at the time that had driven him there. He was doing the right thing by God and was forced to live with next to nothing while those who openly practiced wickedness lived in absolute royalty. Job endured severe loss and suffering because God deliberately allowed Satan to test him. All of these people are regarded as heroes among scripture and they are there due to their desire to do right and obey God even when things had become seemingly unbearable.
Though this time of testing was very hard and sometimes had me wishing that none of this had ever happened to me, I am now standing at the end of it and I am really beginning to see the rewards. There is a deeper strength and clarity that has been sown into my life than was ever there before. I am far more confident in myself than I've ever been and I've experienced a period of rest throughout this time of desolation that I must say that I desperately needed. I also believe that I am far more ready than ever before to receive a blessing that I would have never been able to appreciate and probably never would have even been able to receive if I hadn't faced this time. God brought me to it - and as much as I initially resented Him for it - He has also brought me through it and I am now reaping the rewards.
If you have obeyed God and done what you believe wholeheartedly is the right thing and seen nothing but bitterness and destruction come your way, you are not alone. God leads His people into the wilderness and it's those who face the truth about themselves in the desolate times and truly make it through as wiser and stronger people that end up being trusted and highly esteemed by Him. Hang in there - and don't focus on what has brought you there - focus on what God is trying to teach you in this time and once you start learning it, you will see the worth in what has happened. I'd like to believe if the Bible was written today, there would be a book in there about me and what I've endured and come out the other side of. Wouldn't you like to be able to say the same, and to be regarded as one of the heroes of the faith in the modern day era?
Hang in there. You're stronger than you think. If God has brought you into the wilderness - don't resent Him for it. Just allow Him to do His work in your life and the rewards will come when you are ready.
May 29, 2012
After 40 days and nights in the desert, He was hungry.
I am writing this blog after having just completed my own 40 week period in the spiritual wilderness. It's been just over 40 weeks since my entire life collapsed around me and I found myself at absolute complete and utter rock bottom. You know you've sunk as low as you can go when you feel as if you have to look up to see the ground. I received some powerful revelations during August last year when all of this happened, and I've continued to persevere with working through what was shown to me at that time in order to start developing a strength and character I've simply never had before. It's taken just over 40 weeks to do this.
Towards the end of this journey, I began to think of the scripture Matthew 4:2 - "After fasting 40 days and 40 nights, He was hungry." We continually hear a lot about trials as to how you need to persevere right through to the end of them and make sure you face what God wants you to face in that time, which of course is very true. However, there is another side to this story which you don't hear as often which is what I want to delve into here. Jesus was hungry when he came out of the desert. He'd been fasting 40 days and 40 nights. They could easily have left the fact that He was hungry out of the equation as most would simply assume anyone would be hungry after that long (Who wouldn't be?!) yet I believe there is a spiritual significance as to why it has been added into scripture.
When you've experienced trials as significantly as what I have over the years (and some of them have been brutal, to say the least) you almost begin to develop a siege mentality where you kind of want yourself to feel perfect and you expect that God's not going to let you out of the place of testing until you are absolutely perfect in every way, with every single need fulfilled, not even slightly tired or fatigued, completely at peace with everything in your life. I've developed this mentality a lot over the years due to everything that I've had to face (burnout, stomach ulcers, horrible working environments, and the list goes on) and this particular scripture is the one that has challenged my thinking recently.
When Jesus came out of the desert, He was hungry. He was the Son of God, spotless and without sin, able to endure anything set before Him, yet He was hungry. The bible doesn't say "After 40 days and 40 nights of fasting in the desert, Jesus emerged, but because He was such a spiritual powerhouse He didn't have any need for food or nourishment as He'd found it all in the desert, so He could start eating again whenever He wanted to but there was no desperate need for it." The bible says - He was hungry. I'll be willing to bet that the very first thing He did was go and find some food.
I'm learning that it's ok to be "hungry" so to speak after enduring trials. Hungry for things to get better, hungry for the favor of God at last, hungry to see the rainbow finally starting to emerge after the relentless storm. I am in a place of deep hunger at the moment after enduring a relentless season of trials and suffering, brought on through no fault of my own. To be honest I am not sure if I am completely ready to be "fed" yet, but I am very close. Though I am in a place of much deeper clarity and strength than ever before, I also cannot deny my weariness at having to endure so much over the years and my longing for the promised land which arrives once the wilderness season has been completed.
Being hungry isn't a bad thing and just because you are hungry for blessing after a season of wilderness does not mean that you haven't suffered and learned enough in the desert season. It simply means that you are human and it's quite natural. I believe God understands that. The world would die if there was just winter at all times. Yes the winter does serve its purpose - but for a season. It's not uncommon for people to begin to get sick of the cold and snow (depending on where you are) near the end of winter and yearn for the days of spring to approach. And that's where I am now. Although I can appreciate the winter, I am also looking forward to the spring very much. Which is completely natural.
So if you are reading this and are feeling how much you've changed during the winter season, but are looking forward to the spring, you're not alone. It's ok to be hungry after fasting from blessing in the desert for so long. God sees that and He understands, and He will bless you and fill your hunger once the time is right.
Take care.
Towards the end of this journey, I began to think of the scripture Matthew 4:2 - "After fasting 40 days and 40 nights, He was hungry." We continually hear a lot about trials as to how you need to persevere right through to the end of them and make sure you face what God wants you to face in that time, which of course is very true. However, there is another side to this story which you don't hear as often which is what I want to delve into here. Jesus was hungry when he came out of the desert. He'd been fasting 40 days and 40 nights. They could easily have left the fact that He was hungry out of the equation as most would simply assume anyone would be hungry after that long (Who wouldn't be?!) yet I believe there is a spiritual significance as to why it has been added into scripture.
When you've experienced trials as significantly as what I have over the years (and some of them have been brutal, to say the least) you almost begin to develop a siege mentality where you kind of want yourself to feel perfect and you expect that God's not going to let you out of the place of testing until you are absolutely perfect in every way, with every single need fulfilled, not even slightly tired or fatigued, completely at peace with everything in your life. I've developed this mentality a lot over the years due to everything that I've had to face (burnout, stomach ulcers, horrible working environments, and the list goes on) and this particular scripture is the one that has challenged my thinking recently.
When Jesus came out of the desert, He was hungry. He was the Son of God, spotless and without sin, able to endure anything set before Him, yet He was hungry. The bible doesn't say "After 40 days and 40 nights of fasting in the desert, Jesus emerged, but because He was such a spiritual powerhouse He didn't have any need for food or nourishment as He'd found it all in the desert, so He could start eating again whenever He wanted to but there was no desperate need for it." The bible says - He was hungry. I'll be willing to bet that the very first thing He did was go and find some food.
I'm learning that it's ok to be "hungry" so to speak after enduring trials. Hungry for things to get better, hungry for the favor of God at last, hungry to see the rainbow finally starting to emerge after the relentless storm. I am in a place of deep hunger at the moment after enduring a relentless season of trials and suffering, brought on through no fault of my own. To be honest I am not sure if I am completely ready to be "fed" yet, but I am very close. Though I am in a place of much deeper clarity and strength than ever before, I also cannot deny my weariness at having to endure so much over the years and my longing for the promised land which arrives once the wilderness season has been completed.
Being hungry isn't a bad thing and just because you are hungry for blessing after a season of wilderness does not mean that you haven't suffered and learned enough in the desert season. It simply means that you are human and it's quite natural. I believe God understands that. The world would die if there was just winter at all times. Yes the winter does serve its purpose - but for a season. It's not uncommon for people to begin to get sick of the cold and snow (depending on where you are) near the end of winter and yearn for the days of spring to approach. And that's where I am now. Although I can appreciate the winter, I am also looking forward to the spring very much. Which is completely natural.
So if you are reading this and are feeling how much you've changed during the winter season, but are looking forward to the spring, you're not alone. It's ok to be hungry after fasting from blessing in the desert for so long. God sees that and He understands, and He will bless you and fill your hunger once the time is right.
Take care.
May 20, 2012
Don't suffer in silence
This is one of the biggest things I have had to learn to face and overcome since being a Christian. It's been unbearably hard at times - to the point where I really just wanted to give up, but I knew that the only real way out was to keep going.
So much suffering in our lives is kept secret and under wraps from other people because we are afraid of what they might think or do to us if they ever found out. This mentality creates shallow, superficial relationships where people never truly get to know each other and are too afraid to share themselves with one another and therefore miss out on some of the best things relationships have to offer. As believers, God calls us into a deep place of wholeness and completion in order to be properly used for His Kingdom and simply because He loves us too much to leave us unhealed. This is where the whole concept of being open about our suffering while we are in the depth of the valley comes into play.
For years, I put up a false front and suffered terribly in silence because I didn't know how to explain to others what I was going through and I was afraid of trusting them with something I couldn't control. I planned to live my entire life like this, hiding and hiding until finally I was able to hide it so much it would be buried too deep to hurt anymore. Once I became a Christian, this was one of the first things God sought to change in me. He would put me in places of terrible suffering - for example jobs that I really hated or places I really struggled to live in and feel safe. The concept was always the same - the suffering I was experiencing could not be escaped from in any sense. There was no way out as there was no other way to pay the bills or nowhere else that I could live.
It was in many respects like being driven and driven until I was finally backed into a corner with nowhere else to go. The driving force into the corner was my own internal anguish driving me to run further and further into myself to escape from it, and the corner I was backed into was the unchangeable circumstances I was facing - such as my job or living environment. It was like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. Something had to give - and it wasn't going to be the circumstances. God had set them in stone. So, it had to be me and my driven mentality that had to be broken.
I had to learn to seek God in a place of prayer to help give me insight into the deep tension that I was feeling as when you are driven that deeply into passive behavior as I was, you simply can't charge forwards and confess what is driving you because if you miss the point that is holding you back, you will feel like a rubber band is pulling against your soul, trying to restrain you from moving forwards as it's too dangerous. When I was faced with times like these, I realized I could not keep my suffering a secret any longer and that if I was to be free of the deep tension I was feeling, the answer was not to escape from my circumstances as I so desperately wanted to do, but to learn to identify and release the tension through honest prayer and confession which meant learning to trust and share my struggles with others.
The bible says in 1 John 1:9 - "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness". It says that we must confess - not sit there and stew in silence and pretend that everything is ok while desperately planning our own escape from the circumstances which are causing us to feel this way as that will just end up taking us back to square one yet again. I believe this passage of scripture also applies to the deep hurt we feel in our lives that God wants to heal us of - if we confess our hurts, He will purify us.
It's a very hard place to be in and it can get very messy at times, especially when we are trying to get a handle on what we are feeling but just can't quite identify it. That's when we need the wisdom and insight of the Holy Spirit to help us define what we are feeling so that we can be free of it. Some of this wisdom and insight can only be given by God, and God alone. That's certainly true in my case which will be revealed in my soon to be released book, titled No Way Out But Through.
If you are suffering and stewing in silence today, your time to suffer in silence has come to an end. Find someone you can trust and talk to them. If they don't understand, find someone else. Learn to ask God to help you define what is happening in your own heart so that you can be released from it. It's the way that we grow and become stronger people, rather than continually going round in circles changing our circumstances when the answer all along, is within us.
Take care, and do check out my Facebook page which I've set up to support my book -
https://www.facebook.com/GrahamIanAitchison
Hang in there. Don't give up. You don't have to suffer in silence any longer.
So much suffering in our lives is kept secret and under wraps from other people because we are afraid of what they might think or do to us if they ever found out. This mentality creates shallow, superficial relationships where people never truly get to know each other and are too afraid to share themselves with one another and therefore miss out on some of the best things relationships have to offer. As believers, God calls us into a deep place of wholeness and completion in order to be properly used for His Kingdom and simply because He loves us too much to leave us unhealed. This is where the whole concept of being open about our suffering while we are in the depth of the valley comes into play.
For years, I put up a false front and suffered terribly in silence because I didn't know how to explain to others what I was going through and I was afraid of trusting them with something I couldn't control. I planned to live my entire life like this, hiding and hiding until finally I was able to hide it so much it would be buried too deep to hurt anymore. Once I became a Christian, this was one of the first things God sought to change in me. He would put me in places of terrible suffering - for example jobs that I really hated or places I really struggled to live in and feel safe. The concept was always the same - the suffering I was experiencing could not be escaped from in any sense. There was no way out as there was no other way to pay the bills or nowhere else that I could live.
It was in many respects like being driven and driven until I was finally backed into a corner with nowhere else to go. The driving force into the corner was my own internal anguish driving me to run further and further into myself to escape from it, and the corner I was backed into was the unchangeable circumstances I was facing - such as my job or living environment. It was like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. Something had to give - and it wasn't going to be the circumstances. God had set them in stone. So, it had to be me and my driven mentality that had to be broken.
I had to learn to seek God in a place of prayer to help give me insight into the deep tension that I was feeling as when you are driven that deeply into passive behavior as I was, you simply can't charge forwards and confess what is driving you because if you miss the point that is holding you back, you will feel like a rubber band is pulling against your soul, trying to restrain you from moving forwards as it's too dangerous. When I was faced with times like these, I realized I could not keep my suffering a secret any longer and that if I was to be free of the deep tension I was feeling, the answer was not to escape from my circumstances as I so desperately wanted to do, but to learn to identify and release the tension through honest prayer and confession which meant learning to trust and share my struggles with others.
The bible says in 1 John 1:9 - "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness". It says that we must confess - not sit there and stew in silence and pretend that everything is ok while desperately planning our own escape from the circumstances which are causing us to feel this way as that will just end up taking us back to square one yet again. I believe this passage of scripture also applies to the deep hurt we feel in our lives that God wants to heal us of - if we confess our hurts, He will purify us.
It's a very hard place to be in and it can get very messy at times, especially when we are trying to get a handle on what we are feeling but just can't quite identify it. That's when we need the wisdom and insight of the Holy Spirit to help us define what we are feeling so that we can be free of it. Some of this wisdom and insight can only be given by God, and God alone. That's certainly true in my case which will be revealed in my soon to be released book, titled No Way Out But Through.
If you are suffering and stewing in silence today, your time to suffer in silence has come to an end. Find someone you can trust and talk to them. If they don't understand, find someone else. Learn to ask God to help you define what is happening in your own heart so that you can be released from it. It's the way that we grow and become stronger people, rather than continually going round in circles changing our circumstances when the answer all along, is within us.
Take care, and do check out my Facebook page which I've set up to support my book -
https://www.facebook.com/GrahamIanAitchison
Hang in there. Don't give up. You don't have to suffer in silence any longer.
April 28, 2012
Finish the race
Different times and seasons come into our lives and they all have unique purposes. I have been going through a season of rest and healing over the past 9 months or so. Due to several prophetic words I have had recently I believe that the end of this time of healing is coming and I will soon be ready to launch into a whole new season where I will be blessed like I've never been before.
Needless to say it is difficult not to get excited when you hear about this kind of thing. However, as much as I want that blessing to come into my life, I am aware of the danger that it could pose by coming into my life too soon. James 1 vs 4 says that "Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything." It seems to me as human beings that when we face difficulty in our lives, our default response is to try and get out of them as quickly as possible. However, when we do this, all we are really doing is cheating ourselves of getting the most out of our blessings once they do actually arrive.
Don't get me wrong - there are times when we need to flee from things that are going wrong in our lives but if you are a Christian such as myself, most of the difficulties I have faced (especially the one I am facing at the moment due to being out of work) have been ordained directly by God Himself. It has been deeply frustrating and I have often tried to get myself out of this season by looking for a job but every time the door has slammed shut back in my face. Once I had the realization of what would happen to me if I walked out of this time too early - even if I walked into an awesome job, what I am still working through within myself would have corrupted the environment and I'd have ended up hating it.
I have learned that if I am to truly get over the mountains I have had placed before me throughout my life, I need to learn to fully embrace and learn to become content in the season that I am in right now - even if it's not ideal. The apostle Paul spoke on this brilliantly in Philippians 4:12 - "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." The key to this contentment he speaks of is found within himself and not in his circumstances. Paul learned to walk through the darkness in his own life with God and embracing God's purposes in the trials he faced so that he would be able to find peace and contentment regardless of what was happening around him.
I am still learning this process as my natural thinking immediately says to go and run out there and get myself out of this situation. But I have made a lot of progress and I will continue to make progress in this area. I realize that I cannot rush this season and that if I am to be able to build a house, I must let the foundations be completely set in place beforehand or I will lose the blessings that I have.
I have found that when I would take something for myself that I wasn't ready for in the past - such as a relationship or a job or something like that - I wouldn't be able to enjoy it as much because the groundwork of peace and healing in my life had not yet been fully set in place by that point which made it a short period of time before things turned sour. So to really appreciate the future and prepare for it properly - I needed to learn to fully embrace the present, regardless of how hard it was.
So if, like me, your circumstances are not that great at the moment - don't try and rush out of them. Finish the race and persevere and let the groundwork be built into your life. You'll thank yourself in the future that you took the time to do this now. Take care.
Needless to say it is difficult not to get excited when you hear about this kind of thing. However, as much as I want that blessing to come into my life, I am aware of the danger that it could pose by coming into my life too soon. James 1 vs 4 says that "Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything." It seems to me as human beings that when we face difficulty in our lives, our default response is to try and get out of them as quickly as possible. However, when we do this, all we are really doing is cheating ourselves of getting the most out of our blessings once they do actually arrive.
Don't get me wrong - there are times when we need to flee from things that are going wrong in our lives but if you are a Christian such as myself, most of the difficulties I have faced (especially the one I am facing at the moment due to being out of work) have been ordained directly by God Himself. It has been deeply frustrating and I have often tried to get myself out of this season by looking for a job but every time the door has slammed shut back in my face. Once I had the realization of what would happen to me if I walked out of this time too early - even if I walked into an awesome job, what I am still working through within myself would have corrupted the environment and I'd have ended up hating it.
I have learned that if I am to truly get over the mountains I have had placed before me throughout my life, I need to learn to fully embrace and learn to become content in the season that I am in right now - even if it's not ideal. The apostle Paul spoke on this brilliantly in Philippians 4:12 - "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." The key to this contentment he speaks of is found within himself and not in his circumstances. Paul learned to walk through the darkness in his own life with God and embracing God's purposes in the trials he faced so that he would be able to find peace and contentment regardless of what was happening around him.
I am still learning this process as my natural thinking immediately says to go and run out there and get myself out of this situation. But I have made a lot of progress and I will continue to make progress in this area. I realize that I cannot rush this season and that if I am to be able to build a house, I must let the foundations be completely set in place beforehand or I will lose the blessings that I have.
I have found that when I would take something for myself that I wasn't ready for in the past - such as a relationship or a job or something like that - I wouldn't be able to enjoy it as much because the groundwork of peace and healing in my life had not yet been fully set in place by that point which made it a short period of time before things turned sour. So to really appreciate the future and prepare for it properly - I needed to learn to fully embrace the present, regardless of how hard it was.
So if, like me, your circumstances are not that great at the moment - don't try and rush out of them. Finish the race and persevere and let the groundwork be built into your life. You'll thank yourself in the future that you took the time to do this now. Take care.
April 11, 2012
Change - don't resist it
I thought this was an appropriate subject to blog about seeing as I have some rather large changes heading my way. I am about to move into a totally new and different living environment and I am on the brink of becoming a professional, self published author which means I will be responsible for sales and marketing as well as distribution and purchase orders for my book.
I know that this change is God ordained and I know that it is the right thing for me right now. My book was something I felt inspired by God to write so I know it was the right thing to do and I believe I've got it to the best possible standard I could. Where it's going to lead, I have no idea. But that's ok.
As I've often said throughout the years, everything changes and as soon as you get used to the change, everything changes again. Life moved pretty slowly before I became a Christian because I couldn't cope with it being moved any faster. After I became a Christian, change became quite regular, often rather drastic and sometimes rather sudden and violent. But it was all good for me and helped me to learn to come out of my shell and become a stronger, more well-balanced person.
I was frightened of change at first but I realized my fear of change was regarding what the change would surface in me and what I would have to face inside myself if things changed. If I had chosen to resist the change and stay where I was, I would probably still be living with my parents, too scared to do anything else, instead of living in Taupo by faith to a large degree and publishing my own book.
It is always scary to let go of what we know because it means facing the unknown and therefore facing our own hearts as the unknown has an uncanny way of bringing our insecurities to the surface. However, this is not the time to run from them but to face them. Some of the best times of growing as a person have come through some of the most severe changes I have faced over the years, such as being forced to resign from work as I was recently.
Although life may be safer when it's perfectly planned out and well organized and maintained, sticking with what we know and refusing to embrace change can be unhelpful regarding personal growth in our lives. Sometimes God wants us to let go of something we've held dear for a long time not because He wants to just take it from us, but He wants to prepare us for something much better than what we had. It was very hard for me to let go of my job in Auckland as I'd just got into a rhythm with it and I was earning really good money. At first glance, moving to Taupo didn't look like a great idea but now that I've been here for 3 years I am amazed at the depth of the change inside myself as a result.
Don't fear the changes that God is trying to bring into your life. He knows better than you do and even if the changes He is bringing look scary and might not initially appear to be ideal, that's when you've got to trust Him and hang in there and you will see good fruit eventually.
Cheers.
I know that this change is God ordained and I know that it is the right thing for me right now. My book was something I felt inspired by God to write so I know it was the right thing to do and I believe I've got it to the best possible standard I could. Where it's going to lead, I have no idea. But that's ok.
As I've often said throughout the years, everything changes and as soon as you get used to the change, everything changes again. Life moved pretty slowly before I became a Christian because I couldn't cope with it being moved any faster. After I became a Christian, change became quite regular, often rather drastic and sometimes rather sudden and violent. But it was all good for me and helped me to learn to come out of my shell and become a stronger, more well-balanced person.
I was frightened of change at first but I realized my fear of change was regarding what the change would surface in me and what I would have to face inside myself if things changed. If I had chosen to resist the change and stay where I was, I would probably still be living with my parents, too scared to do anything else, instead of living in Taupo by faith to a large degree and publishing my own book.
It is always scary to let go of what we know because it means facing the unknown and therefore facing our own hearts as the unknown has an uncanny way of bringing our insecurities to the surface. However, this is not the time to run from them but to face them. Some of the best times of growing as a person have come through some of the most severe changes I have faced over the years, such as being forced to resign from work as I was recently.
Although life may be safer when it's perfectly planned out and well organized and maintained, sticking with what we know and refusing to embrace change can be unhelpful regarding personal growth in our lives. Sometimes God wants us to let go of something we've held dear for a long time not because He wants to just take it from us, but He wants to prepare us for something much better than what we had. It was very hard for me to let go of my job in Auckland as I'd just got into a rhythm with it and I was earning really good money. At first glance, moving to Taupo didn't look like a great idea but now that I've been here for 3 years I am amazed at the depth of the change inside myself as a result.
Don't fear the changes that God is trying to bring into your life. He knows better than you do and even if the changes He is bringing look scary and might not initially appear to be ideal, that's when you've got to trust Him and hang in there and you will see good fruit eventually.
Cheers.
March 28, 2012
Christianity - not a crutch for the weak
I've seen this statement brandished around quite regularly about how Christianity is supposedly a crutch for the weak minded who need to believe in something to help them get through. Christians are often branded as being spineless, gutless wimps.
When I was very young, this was the sort of idea of faith that I followed. Jesus was a weak, timid little man who told us to love our enemies and turn the other cheek when they abuse us so that we can allow injustice to come upon ourselves so that we may "suffer as he has suffered." Unsurprisingly, this belief was very destructive to my mental health and lead to many years of rebellion, frustration and confusion.
When I first became a Christian I tried to be as nice as possible to everyone and show what a good person I was and what a good person I had become while still holding years of unresolved turmoil in my life. I would be the nicest person in the world - until something bad happened and I would either shut down and retreat into a quivering mass of fear or explode into a violent rage, all the while believing that God expected me to be good and just keep the deep darkness within me hidden and managed.
I expected my Christian life to be easy and a continued distraction from my inner darkness. This was not to be. Life didn't get easier - it got harder and harder. But through the hardship I learned how to begin to face the darkness and how to work through it. It was hard and excruciatingly painful at times but I simply had to do it or I would never get better. I learned not to be afraid of working through the pain and that it was necessary.
I realized throughout all this that being a Christian was far from easy. Having to fight against and break through things that others just skip over is not an easy task by any means. Weak minded people may be able to use religion as a crutch, but without guts, determination and a reliance on the grace of God they would never survive in true Christianity. Learning to embrace pain as a friend, learning to love and show grace even when you feel it is not deserved and learning to honestly face the mirror is not a process for the weak minded and the weak willed.
Jesus was not a weak minded, passive guy who looked like a female with a beard as I once thought. Jesus was a carpenter. I've worked on a building site before and I know what carpenters are like. They are no pushovers. They are tough, hard working characters. I would say Jesus was probably built like a truck. So much is made of the kind and gentle side of Jesus which is indeed true, but not as much is made of the other side of Him, which is the tough, bawdy side. What about when Jesus gave the religious leaders of His time a right royal bollocking in front of everyone? Or when He went into the temple and threw the tables over? Doesn't sound to me like something a weak, fearful person would do. He did not die because He was too weak to fight back. He willingly laid down His life out of unconditional love so that those who hated Him might have a chance at eternal life. Is that something a weak, spineless person could do? Somehow I don't think so.
God wants to see His face in our character. Yes, this does involve being meek (not weak - there is a difference) and loving. But it also involves being clear headed, decisive, strong and unafraid to fight for our convictions. Those attributes cannot be performed by those who are weak. I came to Christ as someone terrified of my own shadow who would masquerade as a "nice person" to get people to like me. Now, after years of healing, I am more confrontational, bolder and stronger than I have ever been. Does this mean I am a bad person? No, it means that God has been working on me to make me a strong warrior like He wants me to be.
God is not weak as people seem to think He is. Nor are His true followers weak - the ones who decided to follow Him through thick and thin.
Be strong and take care.
When I was very young, this was the sort of idea of faith that I followed. Jesus was a weak, timid little man who told us to love our enemies and turn the other cheek when they abuse us so that we can allow injustice to come upon ourselves so that we may "suffer as he has suffered." Unsurprisingly, this belief was very destructive to my mental health and lead to many years of rebellion, frustration and confusion.
When I first became a Christian I tried to be as nice as possible to everyone and show what a good person I was and what a good person I had become while still holding years of unresolved turmoil in my life. I would be the nicest person in the world - until something bad happened and I would either shut down and retreat into a quivering mass of fear or explode into a violent rage, all the while believing that God expected me to be good and just keep the deep darkness within me hidden and managed.
I expected my Christian life to be easy and a continued distraction from my inner darkness. This was not to be. Life didn't get easier - it got harder and harder. But through the hardship I learned how to begin to face the darkness and how to work through it. It was hard and excruciatingly painful at times but I simply had to do it or I would never get better. I learned not to be afraid of working through the pain and that it was necessary.
I realized throughout all this that being a Christian was far from easy. Having to fight against and break through things that others just skip over is not an easy task by any means. Weak minded people may be able to use religion as a crutch, but without guts, determination and a reliance on the grace of God they would never survive in true Christianity. Learning to embrace pain as a friend, learning to love and show grace even when you feel it is not deserved and learning to honestly face the mirror is not a process for the weak minded and the weak willed.
Jesus was not a weak minded, passive guy who looked like a female with a beard as I once thought. Jesus was a carpenter. I've worked on a building site before and I know what carpenters are like. They are no pushovers. They are tough, hard working characters. I would say Jesus was probably built like a truck. So much is made of the kind and gentle side of Jesus which is indeed true, but not as much is made of the other side of Him, which is the tough, bawdy side. What about when Jesus gave the religious leaders of His time a right royal bollocking in front of everyone? Or when He went into the temple and threw the tables over? Doesn't sound to me like something a weak, fearful person would do. He did not die because He was too weak to fight back. He willingly laid down His life out of unconditional love so that those who hated Him might have a chance at eternal life. Is that something a weak, spineless person could do? Somehow I don't think so.
God wants to see His face in our character. Yes, this does involve being meek (not weak - there is a difference) and loving. But it also involves being clear headed, decisive, strong and unafraid to fight for our convictions. Those attributes cannot be performed by those who are weak. I came to Christ as someone terrified of my own shadow who would masquerade as a "nice person" to get people to like me. Now, after years of healing, I am more confrontational, bolder and stronger than I have ever been. Does this mean I am a bad person? No, it means that God has been working on me to make me a strong warrior like He wants me to be.
God is not weak as people seem to think He is. Nor are His true followers weak - the ones who decided to follow Him through thick and thin.
Be strong and take care.
