Graham Aitchison's Blog, page 3

Sowing and reaping

I've been thinking and meditating a lot on Galatians 6:7 recently - "Do not be deceived, God is not mocked. A man reaps what he sows." This is a scripture I've had in my mind a lot over the years, and I have desired to understand it more. Recently I feel as if I have come to some real revelation about the truth behind this scripture.

In my younger years I used to struggle with wrong belief systems that told me that people's actions had no consequences whatsoever. This made me very angry and created a strong desire for revenge as I felt that "if I don't do something about this then no-one will because there's no such thing as consequences for people's actions against me, unless I go out of the way to make consequences for them." This thinking was caused in part by a powerlessness I struggled with which communicated to me that I was not strong enough to be able to change anything that I was facing, therefore it couldn't be changed. There was no belief in God's overriding power and control above and beyond all things.

This belief system caused a lack of faith in the judgment, justice and character of God and created a lot of anger towards things which were seemingly out of anyone's control so could never be put right. Often if I tried to stand up for myself I would face consequences for doing that which communicated to me that "other people's actions towards me have no consequences because they are allowed to get away with anything, yet my actions towards others have consequences. This isn't fair!" This wrong belief system created a lot of anger and a belief that justice would not - and could not - be done.

However I have begun to realize that whatever we have in our hearts - be it good or bad - will bring forth fruit which will be shown in our lives. We sow seed out of what we carry within our own hearts. We sow seed in terms of the words we speak, the decisions we make, the actions we perform. And the sowing of that seed will bring in a harvest. Whether or not it's good or bad is dependent on what we sow because at the end of the day, God's Word is faithful and true and cannot return to Him void.

I have sown a lot of negative seed over the years - mainly in terms of negativity towards myself and my own abilities to change things or impact my own environment. There have been times in the past when I have sat back and allowed myself to be viciously bullied in work places and allowed so-called "friends" to lie to my face so that they could get something they wanted for themselves. I allowed these things to happen because I believed that I was powerless to change them. Some of these events still fill me with regret - mainly because I wish that I had stepped up and taken charge of things and fought for myself rather than sitting back passively because I believed I was too weak to do anything. I disrespected myself and I didn't deserve the disrespect I gave to myself. Granted, I am a different person now and far more capable of standing up for myself and what I believe is right - but these events have still hurt me and I wish I had the power to go back and change them.

The negative seed I had sown came from the spiritual inheritance I was born into, which I was operating out of without realizing. Granted - it wasn't my fault I had this inheritance, so it wasn't my fault that this seed was given to me, and because I was unaware of it at the time and therefore unable to deal with it accordingly I sowed that seed into my life through my own words and actions. The seeds of passiveness and fear I was sowing had me reaping a harvest of bullying and control from other people. The harvest greatly damaged my self esteem, confidence and emotional well being.

As hard as this has been - this has helped me to realize the true concept of biblical sowing and reaping. Though I had no control over what I was sowing I still reaped a harvest according to the seed that I had sown. This actually helped me gain a huge amount of faith in the justice and righteousness of God. You hear so many stories of people doing terrible things and then the excuses which come forth such as "they didn't know what they were doing" "It was beyond their control" and so on. Though these things may well be true - there is still a harvest that comes from that seed sown. There are a lot of people (like myself) who struggle with spiritual forces and curses operating in their lives as well as circumstances which have hurt them in the past and this has caused them to act in a negative manner towards others. For some people they take this even further and perform socially unacceptable actions - such as assaulting people violently. It's all very well for them to say that "they didn't know what they were doing" etc or that "they have come from a hard background" but at the end of the day the seeds they have sown will bring forth a harvest.

A prolific serial killer in the USA was given a life sentence for his actions. He became a Christian in prison and has sincerely sought to change his life. However, despite his salvation he must still reap a harvest from the seed sown. He will never be able to set foot outside of prison again for his actions and he will probably live with endless hate and anger towards him from the people whom he has hurt and frightened with his actions, not to mention people constantly questioning his salvation and thinking that he's just putting it all on to make people feel sorry for him. I for one believe he is sincere - but despite his sincerity he will never stop reaping the harvest for his actions. He has sown seed through his actions and regardless of what drove him to sow that seed - or how that seed arrived in his heart in the first place - he must reap a harvest for his actions and will reap that harvest until the day that he dies.

However, God can use the seed sown in our lives to guide us to better places. The spiritual inheritance given to me meant that I sowed constant seeds of hostility and a sense of "stay away from me" towards people. This reaped a harvest of many people not liking me and being unwilling to become close to me as they could sense I wanted them to stay away. Though in a way this was a bad harvest to reap - it was also for my own benefit and protection as it protected me from wrong relationships with people - especially females. Being engaged now to the right person for me I can honestly say that my hostility and "stay away from me" aura helped me dodge a few bullets in that department over the years - something that I am now deeply grateful for.

There are times when people do seem to get away with whatever they have done - but the important word here is the word "seem". It might appear that way but they don't really get away with anything. I have realized recently the powerful truth that sin simply cannot be forgiven - ever. People can be forgiven for their actions by God - but sin itself can never be forgiven. It will always be punished. It just depends on who. The person responsible for the sin will be punished for it - or their punishment can be transferred onto Jesus, with sincere repentance - a willingness to "turn away" from one's sins, not just saying a half-hearted "sorry" and expecting that to suffice. Every action by every person is known to God and if they do not find Jesus and sincerely repent of their sins they will face the eternal harvest of sowing seeds of a life without God. Even if people do repent and come to Jesus in wholehearted repentance and humility they still must face their actions and sometimes that means God calling them to do some hard things - such as go to people they have hurt and apologize. There is simply no easy ride.

How do we sow good seed and stop sowing bad seed? Give our hearts to God and allow Him to transform us from within. Come to the Throne with sincere repentance and ask for Him to change our hearts. I firmly believe that whatever we have in our hearts will be revealed through what (and who) we have in our lives. Throughout the long years I spent in the spiritual wilderness I have come to learn that the trials and tribulations that constantly came upon me happened because there was significant rotten seed in my heart that needed to be weeded out. The trials I faced were in accordance to the darkness I had within myself and once a trial I was facing had got rid of all the darkness it was triggering - the trial would end. I began to realize it was better to have the rotten seed uprooted through hard times than to have a nice, relaxed life without any hardships as this would give the rotten seed time and space to grow, which would in time, bring forth a bitter harvest. I have learned to welcome the process of uprooting the bad seed in my life as it gave me the chance to plant good seed which would mean a better harvest later on.

In conclusion - God is on the throne. It doesn't matter how much He may appear not to be at times - but He is truly on the throne. He cannot and will not be mocked. No human can outrun Him, no one can escape Him and His just judgment. What is sown will be reaped. There is grace, mercy, and forgiveness - but still consequences for one's actions. We all must carry our cross and reap the results of the seed that we sow - be that good or bad, or whether we realized we were sowing it or not.

Take care.

The power of belief

I've been dwelling a lot recently on the power of what we believe in and how it has the ability to define our entire lives from the inside out. I've put together a few points outlining what I believe in regards to how belief can shape our lives and how we need to go about changing those beliefs we need to change that are holding us back.

1. We are not always consciously aware of what we believe in.

One of the most powerful lessons I have learned over the past 12 years of being a Christian is the truth about the power of wrong thinking and how that defines us. When I came to Christ I was carrying overwhelming spiritual baggage which had been passed down to me via the generational lines. Receiving deliverance for these issues was only the beginning of the healing process. I realized that the spiritual baggage I was carrying had created layer after layer of wrong thinking and wrong belief systems operating so deeply within my mind and heart that they would affect my actions and personality on a daily basis without my realizing it. These belief systems - such as the belief that people were constantly trying to kill me - were so deeply rooted in my mind and heart that I didn't even know that they were there and would operate in a constant mode of heightened self awareness and self protection without even realizing it. God took me on a journey where He forced these wrong belief systems out of the buried depths of my heart into my conscious mind where I was forced to face it. This was a painful process but it was the only way to begin to free myself of the wrong thinking I was carrying within me as operating out of a constant place of fear due to this wrong thinking was wearing me out and draining my enthusiasm for daily life.

Though my beliefs were not in my conscious mind - but deeply buried in my subconscious - they still constantly influenced and affected my daily life. The hardest part was when something happened that upset me and forced the painful truths in my life to the surface. I would often react badly to the circumstance and could completely blow it out of proportion. It took many years of walking closely with the Holy Spirit for me to realize that the pain I felt in these circumstances was not connected to the circumstances itself but that the circumstances were simply being used to bring the deeply withheld wrong thinking to the surface so that I could begin to break free of it. During this process I had to rely heavily on the guidance of the Holy Spirit to help me to accurately define what I was actually feeling even if it wasn't what I thought it was. But as I continued to embrace this process of facing myself and understanding the depths of the wrong thinking created by the spiritual baggage I had been carrying around my entire life I began to get freer and more whole as a person because I wasn't medicating the problem by trying to control or change my circumstances - or people around me - but I was actually getting to the problem at its root and beginning to change it.

2. Our lives are shaped by what we believe.

Everything we do and everything we are in life is a direct consequence of what we believe in - be it consciously or subconsciously. One of the most powerful belief systems in my life has been the belief that I have been powerless, weak and unable to make a difference in my circumstances and unable to change anything. This wrong belief system has been a huge contributor towards depression in my life and it has also daily shaped my behaviour by causing me to try and shy away from conflict and not to fight for anything - even if it's something that needs to be fought for - because I've felt that I am too weak and powerless to make a decision and to be able to convince others that I deserve respect and that they need to acknowledge me and what I am saying. Over the last few years God has taken me through a hard process of training for leadership which has involved speaking God-given truths into people's lives whom I once considered close friends and are willingly acting in sin, then trying to justify it both to me and themselves. This process has involved God directly telling me to give words of knowledge to people and then telling them afterwards that if they refuse to acknowledge the spoken word of God then I could not maintain a friendship with them.

This has been an incredibly hard process and I have seen several once close friendships fall through due to the actions I have taken. Even with the spoken word of God behind me I still have felt a constant nagging sense of doubt and unbelief which has lead to me coming to God and asking Him "Have I done the right thing in this situation?" God's reply to me has been the following - "Yes Graham, you have done the right thing, you've done exactly as I asked you to do. Your problem now is that you don't believe that you have done the right thing because you don't believe in yourself and your own power enough. You also don't believe that you deserve respect and that your words have the power to change things. Continue to walk through the wrong belief systems in your life with Me and you will learn to be at peace with doing what I've asked you to do in this situation." I began to realize that my fear and doubt in what I had said and done was not because I was in the wrong but because I simply didn't believe I was in the right - even though I was.

3. You can do something you don't really believe in - but it won't last.

You can do something out of a place of unbelief - but only for a while. Eventually the truth will begin to come forth. About 5 years ago I was working for a company that sold cellphones and had just launched a new cellphone network. As an outbound sales consultant I was expected to be bringing in businesses and switching over all of their mobile phones to this new network as well as selling it to personal, individual customers. At the time I was a very shy and restricted person - not a good place to be as a salesman. I also knew that this network was still very buggy and besieged with constant problems and network crashes which left many people very unhappy (and quite understandably so). I did not believe I was to be in this job long term and I struggled to believe in my own ability to do the job - not to mention I had no belief whatsoever in this new network that seemed to create more problems than it did solutions. Needless to say - I struggled in the job.

I did my best to "fake it till I made it" as the old saying goes but the deeply withheld belief systems needed to succeed in this job simply weren't present in my life - not to mention the network gave me no confidence in wanting to sell it. It didn't matter how much I tried to succeed in this job because things just kept on getting worse. Eventually I just gave up and stopped trying because I realized that I was getting nowhere. Fortunately I was able to get another job working for a Christian camp which I really loved and took to like a duck to water. I excelled immensely in this job simply because I believed in where I was and what I was doing which helped me to believe in my own ability to do the job. As I later found out I got out just in time as a few weeks after I left the new cellphone network I had been hopelessly trying to sell crashed completely and wouldn't work for days on end which lead to the store being filled with angry people demanding a refund on their product - needless to say I am glad I got out before that happened!

4. If our beliefs as Christians oppose God's will then they will not last.

When I was younger I firmly believed I was going to be the next Kurt Cobain, or the next Kirk Hammett as a lead guitarist in a heavy metal band. I held onto this belief with a death grip and no one or nothing could tell me otherwise. Once I became a Christian God told me that He wanted to use me in ministry. I pushed this belief away and said that I knew that I was meant to be a rock star. However as time went on things began to change. I began to realize that I didn't really have the creativity or the talent to write and play music constantly as a profession and that my heart was going elsewhere. I certainly had (and still do have) abilities in that area but not to the extent I thought I did. As time wore on and I began to change on the inside I began to realize that being a stadium filling rock star was not my calling after all and that my gifting for music was to be used in a different way than what I had expected. I began to realize that if I had got what I wanted back then and been promoted to fame, riches and stardom I wouldn't have had the ability to last as my constant internal struggles would have destroyed me. In the end I was grateful to see that dream pass and I still get to play music to this day - but in a different way. Ironically, I think I have become a much better musician due to submitting my music gift to God's will as become more whole internally has freed me up to be more creative and to enjoy it more.

My belief throughout everything is that we need to be constantly asking God to show us what we believe about ourselves and for His help to change if our beliefs - whether conscious or subconscious - are holding us back from being who He has destined for us to become.

Take care.

Understanding worry

Having spent most of my life suffering from severe depression and anxiety, I am well accustomed to the concept of worry. Significant portions of my life have been spent worrying about things - mostly needlessly. Throughout my 12 years of walking as a Christian I have learned a great deal not only about worry but about the psychology and wrong thinking behind it. Some of this learning has only come to me very recently - as in over the last few days. I would like to share some of these revelations in the hope that they will speak to someone.

1. Worry can easily be seen as a form of preparation.
Don't get me wrong - there are some things that we quite rightly need to be concerned about regarding the future which we need to take active steps in order to prevent them happening. This is normal, and healthy. But when this becomes extreme, it isn't healthy at all. I have just recently discovered about myself that I see all worry about everything as a form of preparation and prevention of bad things happening to the point that I have been afraid to relax and let go. This has been rooted in wrong thinking that I have carried around in my heart and operated out of subconsciously, without actually realizing what I was doing. The wrong thinking I have been subconsciously believing has been the lie that being constantly worried about bad things happening means that I am constantly prepared for them, which in turn means that they won't happen or that I will be better equipped to face them once they do happen. The worst part of the lie I've been believing has been that if I relax and let go nothing but bad things will come upon me and that it will be my fault that they did happen because I relaxed and let go and thus wasn't working hard to prevent them. It's like when bad things have happened in the past I've blamed myself because I wasn't alert and prepared enough to be able to prevent them.

It's almost like I've felt that if I just totally relaxed and let go of everything and stopped trying to control things by worrying about them, that the world was going to end and that it was going to be my fault that it ended because I wasn't worrying about everything and therefore preventing it from happening. I now realize just how faithless this mode of thinking is and how it completely removes the power of God. It is God's job to be in control of the world and how it operates - not mine. Living in a constant state of turmoil and worry is not good for anyone. I always remember a word of prophecy I was given many years ago where God said to me "Graham - where you end, I begin." I realize that I have struggled hugely to let myself end because I don't trust God taking over and beginning to operate in my circumstances. I don't trust enough in His goodness and His faithfulness to be in charge of my world even regarding the things I have no power over. I still have learning to do.

2. Worry is a sign of a lack of faith.
Relaxation and trusting the world into God's hand - including His ability to communicate to us and let us know when He wants us to do something - is living by faith. Trying to be God and trying to be in charge of everything that it is actually His job to be in charge of is living by fear and placing unrealistic expectations upon ourselves that we are simply not capable of fulfilling, yet we feel as if we have to anyway. I can understand how some would find it hard to have faith in God's goodness and God's control of their world. I certainly have - seeing as God has lead me into some terrible trials, especially over the past 5 years where I have faced more hardship than I have in my entire life up to that point. There's still a part of me that is afraid to trust God because I feel that He's going to lead me into something bad again and that it's something that I need to go through. I remember reading a note in my old Teen Bible that said God is saying to us that He loves us, and just wants to help us because He wants what's best for us.

I struggle to trust in God's omnipotence and omnipresence. Due to the spiritual ties I have carried around with me I have lived in terrible fear of being under the power of another person or object because my immediate expectation has been that they would use that power for harm and that I wouldn't be able to stop them or rescue myself once I gave that power over to them. Identifying this wrong thinking and bringing it to the light has been helping to break its power over me and helped me to realize that I can trust God in these areas and that the safest place to be is right in the centre of the will of God - even if that can be a hard place to live sometimes. God is faithful and His heart is for us - not against us. Sometimes we just need to remind ourselves of that.

3. Learning to stop worrying is a process - not a quick fix.
One of the most powerful testimonies I ever heard was from someone who had lived in a very dark place before they came to Christ. I cannot remember their name, their story or even when or where I read the testimony but I always remember one specific part where he said that little by little he was slowly giving the steering wheel of his life over to Jesus. This communicated to me that control over his life which obviously helped sooth his anxiety was not something he could completely give over instantaneously, but rather something that needed to happen slowly and over a period of time. It's not as if Jesus was not faithful to completely take the wheel and take complete control over this man's life at once - because He was. But where this man was at meant that to give everything over at once would have been completely overwhelming for him emotionally as it would have thrown all of the darkness in his heart to the surface at once which probably would have destroyed him.

I certainly relate to this. It has been a process in my life too. Every time a bit of wrong thinking is revealed - and healed - Jesus "takes the wheel" a little bit more in my life. If every bit of wrong thinking in my heart was thrown into my face at once it certainly would have overwhelmed me and I would not have been able to cope. Jesus knows this and therefore has taken to revealing truth and healing to me slowly and over a period of time at a rate that I could handle it. I've likened it to a tree growing - sometimes it doesn't look like it's growing at all, especially when you see it every day. However if you don't see it for 6 months you will be amazed at how much bigger it's become over that time. There is no harm or shame in slow growth as God knows our individual hearts and circumstances and if we let Him, will grow us at a pace that's perfect for us.

I hope that this has spoken to someone. Learn to face the worry and wrong thinking that drives it in your life. Have faith in a God that is infinitely bigger than you are and wants the best for you, and don't be frustrated if you are on this path but it's taking longer than you would have liked.

Take care and be blessed.

The Importance of Giving Thanks

I would like to share with all of you a short testimony about just how important giving thanks is and how it can truly unlock the blessings of God in our lives.

One of the biggest struggles in my life has been finances. Every time I have had money it has always found some ingenious way to disappear. Most of the time when I have had a good, well paying job, something has happened where I have had to resign - usually a change in circumstances such as God calling me to move to another city or sometimes unfortunately for health reasons. I would then typically go through long periods with either no income at all or very little where whatever money I had stored up in my savings would be slowly eaten away at until it was nearly gone. I am good with handling money, I am not an excessive spender by nature (mainly due to my Scottish blood!). Someone told me towards the end of my time in Tauranga that they felt that the problem was due to spiritual curses over my life, but  I didn't believe them at the time.

A few weeks after being in Hamilton, I was at a meeting and the speaker prophesied that "there was someone in the audience who had been suffering under a curse of poverty, but God wants to set you free and bless you with finances". These words struck me right at the core of my being, I knew that the speaker was speaking about me. With tears in my eyes I approached him at the end of the meeting and he prayed for me against the curse of poverty over my life. He said that the time of poverty was now over and that blessings would begin to come forth. I realized that my friend in Tauranga was right and I now began to look forward to a time of financial blessing and breakthrough.

When I received this word, I had absolutely no income at all at the time. A few weeks later I was able to start getting a student allowance for my internship I am doing with the church. This paid some money but not much. I then felt that God was calling me to give a specific amount  tobless my church financially out of what I was receiving from my allowance. All the while I was applying for part time jobs to do while I was interning and none of them have worked out. I was having a conversation with the 2IC pastor at my church and he spoke a word into my life about the importance of giving thanks for what God has given you now, instead of complaining about what you may perceive as lack, because this was how the Israelites moved forward in the spiritual wilderness - by praising God and giving Him thanks for what He had provided them with instead of complaining about what they felt that they were entitled to.

I began to put this into practice. I was certainly not living in financial prosperity at the time but I decided to praise God and give Him thanks anyway for what I did have coming in. This began to develop faith in my life and it helped develop a more positive outlook and sense of feeling about my current financial circumstances. I kept getting turned down for jobs and though I found this frustrating I continued to praise God and give Him thanks. The frustration of not being able to find a job did begin to get to me - especially as my savings from the job I was doing in Tauranga got lower and lower due to necessary bills and expenses. But it wasn't the familiar frustration of old - it was what I would like to call "faith based frustration." I would say to God "Your Word was given to me that the time of poverty was now over yet I'm not seeing it. Why not?" It was a frustration that was taking God at His word and asking why what He had promised hadn't come to pass. Yet despite how I was feeling I continued to speak out thanksgiving for what I was receiving and I continued to give in faith, though my savings continued to dwindle and more bills were coming on the horizon.

Over the last few days everything changed - I was blessed unexpectedly with a large financial blessing that I did not see coming. This blessing is enough to cover my bills and put some money in the bank for savings and I will still have some left over afterwards. I was amazed and blown away by God's goodness and thrilled to see His Word come to pass in my life. God told me several months back that I had a few things to learn before I could be financially blessed and I believe that one of those things was about learning to give thanks for what I had at the time as this would unlock bigger things for the future. I believe that God has responded to my giving thanks and being obedient through giving with this financial blessing. Without giving and acting in faith I doubt I would have received this blessing.

Finally, friends - learn to be thankful for what you have. An attitude of gratitude is an attitude of faith and trust in God's goodness and provision. If God has spoken to you about big things for the future that you haven't seen happen yet - start to give thanks! Not only for what He has said He will do in the future, but for what He's doing for you right now.

I hope this has been an encouragement to someone. Take care and God bless.

The Power of Words

I've been thinking a lot recently about the power of words. It's so easy to think of words that come out of our mouths as nothing but bursts of hot air that don't have any lasting impact in any shape form or sense, so it's easy to use our words carelessly. It can be easy to forget just how powerful, life changing and even world changing words can be.

The entire universe came into being through words spoken from the mouth of God Himself. The book of Genesis explains how in the beginning the world was dark and formless, until God spoke and said, "Let there be light" and then there was light. God spoke - and the universe obeyed his command. His words created something powerful and tangible. God did not sit down and attempt to figure out light, or try to build light with His own two hands. He simply spoke the word and light appeared.

In the same way, our words have the power to both create and destroy things. Granted - if it's the middle of the night and we say "let there be light" the world isn't all of a sudden going to transform into daylight. Our words are not as powerful as the words of God. But they are still very powerful and very capable of changing things - sometimes for eternity. Proverbs 18:21 says "Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat it's fruits." The Bible clearly says that our words have the power to both build up and destroy. I remember when I first became a Christian. I received a prophetic word which was spoken over my life that said "I would touch a generation with my words". Those words impacted me powerfully and created a sense of hope in my soul that wasn't there before - not to mention a strong desire to follow God. 12 years later and those words are now coming true as I am a published author. My story of healing from mental illness is slowly spreading across the globe and I am receiving amazingly positive feedback from people who tell me it has changed their lives. The words spoken over my life came true - and also created a desire in me to follow God which would aid in seeing these words come true.

Our words can also have a deeply negative impact on things. A great deal of the mental suffering in my life has come from powerful negative words spoken over someone in my generational family lines out of jealousy that created a curse of poverty over my life. This person who spoke this curse of poverty may have only done it out of frustration without realizing what they were doing - who knows what their motives truly were - but it created something in the spiritual realm that has hung over my head my entire life and been a powerful cause of bitterness, frustration and even hatred in my life. Because of this curse of poverty I simply could not get ahead financially. It didn't matter what I did or how much money I had - it would always find some way to disappear and I would be left just barely scraping by, as per usual. This was not a matter of "needing to learn to save better" or anything like that. It was the fact that a curse was operating over my life in the spiritual realm due to the negative bitter words spoken generations back which would always create circumstances to strip me of whatever money I had. The only way its hold on my life was finally broken was through prayer. Negative words created a curse in the spiritual realm that simply would not go away on their own - only through the power of the name of Jesus being confessed was their power able to be broken over my life.

Speaking - especially speaking in the heat of the moment in a situation of conflict - has always been something I've struggled with enormously. I have no problem speaking in public in front of people but when it comes to confrontational situations I find it very difficult to get the words out. I used to think that this was because of a lack of self belief and a doubt in my own ability to change anything or any situation using my words. But as I've thought on the subject further I've realized that the truth is actually the opposite. There's been a subconscious belief operating in my life that is all too aware of the incredible power of words and the influence that they have in the spiritual realm which has translated into a fear of saying the wrong thing or saying something that I might regret later. Due to the curse of poverty over my life I was subconsciously aware of the incredible power my words could have which translated into a fear of speaking as I feared that I would bring poverty - or something far worse - into someone's life by speaking to them in what could be perceived as a negative manner even if I had every right to say it. This realization of these subconscious thinking processes has helped to free me up a bit more inside and helped me to realize that although my words have power, if I use them wisely then I have nothing to fear.

It is important to use wisdom and caution when speaking into people's lives and circumstances. A certain spoken word into somebody's life may be exactly what they need to hear and may create a sense of hope in their soul. A spoken word into a dark area in a person's heart may bring to the surface the root of that dark area and expose it to the light which opens a door for that person to go free. But a word spoken wrongly - even with the right motives - can have devastating consequences. This is why we must choose wisdom and seek out the counsel of the spirit of God if we feel we are meant to speak a word into somebody's life. It's wise to sit and pray before speaking a word into someone's life - but it's also unwise to not say anything when we know that God has told us to. I remember hearing a story of a pastor who met with a friend of his for lunch. They were simply chatting about daily life when the pastor was strongly impacted by a word from God - "Tell him that if he doesn't change his diet, he will be dead in 3 years time." The pastor (obviously a man well acquainted with words) was shocked by what he believed God was telling him to do - he even doubted he had heard from God in the first place - so he chose to say nothing. 3 years later, his friend was dead. A word given by God could have saved that man's life - yet since he chose not to give it, his friend perished.

We must learn to keep our emotions in check when it comes to speaking. Speaking rashly in a place of frustration, anger or fear can create lasting impacts in the spiritual realm around us and in the hearts and souls of those whom we are speaking to. It's always easy to say afterwards "Oh I was just upset when I said that, I didn't really mean it" but at the end of the day those words don't matter because regardless of whether they were meant or not - they created something and changed the atmosphere. Once I received an abusive message via Facebook. I was very angry reading the message and wanted to (quite rightly) give the person who sent it a piece of my mind as I knew in my heart and soul that their vicious attack against me was unfounded and way out of line. I wanted to strike back with the truth but the spirit of God said to me clearly "DON'T SAY ANYTHING IN RETURN." I was angry about this because I felt like I had every right to speak the truth and stand up for myself about the situation and this person's conduct - yet I did as I was told and remained silent. Later on I asked God "Why did you tell me not to say anything in return to that person when they were quite clearly in the wrong and I had every right to defend myself?" God Rhema'd to me the scripture Proverbs 26:4 - "Do not answer a fool according to his folly or you will be just like him." This person was speaking foolish words not based in fact and completely ignoring the deliberate sin and wrongdoing in their own life. God didn't want me to respond because He knew that this person could not see their own faults even if I told them so and that they were full of bitterness and anger. Responding to the foolish words of a fool would simply cause them to speak even more foolishly out of their bitterness which could create unwanted things in the spiritual realm that could try to come against me.

In conclusion, next time you are going to say something that you know could change things - possibly in an irreversible manner - remember the power of the words that you speak. They have the power to create and destroy equally. Ask yourself if you are really speaking from a clear head and out of a conviction of the Word of God for someone or if you're just angry in the heat of the moment and need to take some time to calm down before you create something with your words you may not be able to take back. But on the other hand - if you know that God is telling you to say something to someone - then say it. Even if it seems like it could be destructive or hard for them to hear. If you know that God is telling you to say something and you don't say it - far worse consequences could happen in that situation than any perceived consequence you may be afraid of as a result of speaking into their lives.

Take care.

The truth will set you free

Most of us will have heard this scripture - "Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." (John 8:32). It's easy to think of this truth in just a positive context - e.g. "I know the truth that God loves me and this truth frees me." That's all very well and good. But what about the truth when it comes to negative, painful things in our lives?
My life has been a lifelong battle with constant, almost overwhelming emotional pain. When I became a Christian the pain did not instantly vanish (although there are times when I really wish that it had). I began to find that negative, bitter situations in my life began to arise a lot more frequently than they did in my pre-Christian days. Being a Christian did not make life easier. In fact it made life worse. I didn't understand it. I spent the first year of my Christian walk trying to proclaim positivity and blessing over my life through constant confession of scripture. Funnily enough, it didn't work. I claimed scriptures about healing for my constantly pained emotional and spiritual state. That didn't work either.
Over time and through many hard experiences, my thinking began to change. The scripture came to mind - "Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me, Your rod and Your staff comfort me." The part that really stood out to me was the part about walking THROUGH the valley of the shadow of death. It didn't say walk around it, or skip over it and pretend it's not there. God used this scripture to help me realize that I was to walk through the constant, overwhelming pain in my life, but that I need not fear any evil in this process because God's rod and staff would comfort and guide me in this place of overwhelming internal darkness.
What I began to realize is that the valley of the shadow of death was also a place of truth in itself. Truth that contained the power to truly set me free - the freedom I had longed for since I was a child. These truths would not be easily discovered. Nor would it be a pleasant process in trying to find them. But discovering the painful truths hidden in the valley of the shadow of death in my own heart was a process I simply had to go through if I ever truly wanted to get well.
One of the ways in which my thinking began to change was learning that I had to learn to fall into the negative feelings that I faced when certain situations arose, rather than trying to simply push them away by trying to quote scripture over my life or embrace "the power of positive thinking." Some of those negative feelings drove me into behaviours that were not good or healthy. For example - I have struggled with cigarette smoking on and off throughout the years. Due to some distressing personal circumstances I started smoking again last year. I kept on trying to stop using my own willpower but it simply didn't work. I would simply start again. One day I foolishly didn't eat anything at all throughout the day - I just smoked constantly. I tried eating dinner in the evening and due to a day without food my stomach rejected my dinner and I vomited everything back up. I went to bed early and managed to get a couple of hours sleep before waking up at midnight. I couldn't get back to sleep - not only was I still feeling quite unwell due to not eating and vomiting the little I managed to get down in the evening, there was a constant sense of distress in my emotions and I just couldn't rest.
I began to realize that this was happening for a reason. God was stirring something in me that He wanted me to address. I couldn't quite put my finger on it using my own thinking so I prayed for guidance that God would make it clear to me what I needed to see in myself. Almost instantaneously I blurted out "I HATE MY BODY!!" The second I did that - the emotional distress vanished, along with the desire to smoke cigarettes. Not only did I fall asleep immediately but I haven't had a cigarette since.
God was calling me to walk into the valley of the shadow of death with this issue. I tried to avoid this walk by stopping smoking using my own strength - but it wasn't enough. God needed me to do nothing but smoke that day so I would get sick and into this terrible place of distress so that I would be able to walk through the valley of the shadow of death and uncover the truth that was keeping me bound in addiction in the first place. When I said that I hated my body I confessed to God the truth that had been lurking down in my thinking which I didn't even realize was there. It was a negative truth, yes - but as I confessed it and brought it to the light, the negative thinking lost its power over me and I have been walking in freedom from smoking ever since. 
So if you are finding that you are facing the same issues over and over again in your life and can't figure out why, listen to your heart. Is God tugging at your heart strings and asking you to walk with Him in the valley of the shadow of death through your own life because He wants to bring you to the root cause of these issues in your own heart? This might be why you're facing the same thing over and over again. God is allowing it to surface again and again because He wants to guide you through the pain in your heart so that you can find the truths in the valley of the shadow of death that will finally set you free.
My book speaks all about my journey of walking through this valley - hence the title No Way Out But Through. It's available from just about any bookstore (although you may have to ask them to order it in) or you can buy a copy online as it's available through most online retailers. If you need further advice, encouragement or prayer - please let me know.
Take care and God bless.

Letting go

One of the hardest things we must learn to face as human beings is dealing with our past by letting go of things we cannot change. All of us face things in our lives that we wish could have turned out differently, where we wish we'd done something else, said something else, anything to avoid having to face the fact that we are still greatly upset over something that may have happened a long time ago.

I have realized that my biggest character flaw is my inability to accept things in life that I cannot change and to relax. Relaxing means accepting things as they are around you, accepting that not everything needs your distinct control and input and that things can cope on their own without your influence. It means that you have to have faith in others and in your surroundings to do the right thing without you distinctly telling everyone exactly what to do and where and how to do it. I've found it almost impossible to accept anything at face value and simply believe in anything and trust that my belief is not going to be betrayed.

I've also realized that this character flaw is based on a desire to change both the past and the future. It's mainly based in a desire to change the future so that there's no chance that the future could ever feel as bad as what the past does. However, this is a self defeating strategy. If I go out of my way to try to change the future so it doesn't bring up old feelings about the past, all I am really doing is protecting the way that I am already feeling instead of facing it. It's an art of managing and compartmentalizing negative feelings rather than openly admitting them and coming to terms with them. Putting old feelings into a box so that you never have to face them means that you leave unhealed areas in your heart and soul that subconsciously drain your energy and leave you feeling fatigued.

What has helped me begin to change my thinking in this area is to think about Jesus and what He went through on the cross. He could easily have chosen to not face up to the fact that His own creation (the human race) had fallen and chosen to sit and wish that He could have somehow changed the past to stop it from happening. Instead, He chose to accept what had happened, as much as He didn't like it, and chose to love us enough anyway that His plan for the human race was to change overnight. The new plan for the human race involved His death on a cross and though it was the worst possible thing He could ever go through, He chose to change everything based on what we had done. God chose to respond to our actions rather than to just react to them, or refuse to even acknowledge them altogether.

There's a big difference here regarding things that happen which upset us - we can either react to them out of frustration that our own prideful desires to make things the way that we want them have failed, or we can respond to them in humility and realize that we are not God. We do not know the future, we don't control everything and we don't get to decide exactly how everything pans out. We don't know the beginning from the end. Only God knows that - even if He's not in control of people's actions directly, He still knows the beginning from the end and is able to work around it. To react is to show we are angry at life and ourselves because our own pride has not provided us the outcome we wanted. To respond is to show that we have a greater faith in a God who is in control of both the present and the future and that He loves us and has our best interests at heart. To respond to a person rather than react to what they've done is to show genuine love for them. If God had just chosen to react to the fall of man in the Garden of Eden, we'd all be dead. But He chose to respond and reach out to us anyway. Of course, there are times when reaching out to people is dangerous and there are times when ties with people need to be cut because of what's happened - but overall we should try to respond to people in love when possible rather than react in anger and frustration because our own bubble of illusion about our own self importance and ability to control things has been popped.

This has made me realize how important it is to learn that I myself cannot control the future and that there are things that are going to happen to me and things that I am going to do which are irreversible and will result in a changed life for me and others. It is important for me to begin to realize that my efforts to try and control the future so it will never end up feeling like the past are futile and are draining my energy. It is important for me to realize that a changed future from the path that I originally set out and planned for myself is not always a bad thing and that sometimes going in a new and unexpected direction can turn out to be the best possible thing for someone. Because of some of the spiritual baggage I have carried around with me over the years I have become deeply afraid that if I just sit back and let things happen and let someone else take control and relax and just let things be, that the outcome will be the most horrifying, soul destroying, irreversible thing imaginable and that I will somehow be to blame for not doing my best to prevent it and that I will live in regret for eternity because I didn't do something to prevent this awful thing.
 out
The truth is - we cannot change the past. We can only change the way that we feel about the past. We can change our future - but we must be willing enough to realize that for all of our planning and control there are things that we cannot simply plan for and have to learn to trust God in. I've found it much easier to trust in myself and my own planning to protect myself from a future that may feel like my past. Because of some of the things that have happened to me over the past few years I have become very afraid of trusting God with my future as I half expect Him to bring something terrible into my life because it's something else that I need to go through in order to help me realize the parts of me that still need divine healing, but I have to remind myself that the time of suffering in my life is very nearly at an end.

I also have to realize that if I am ever going to heal completely from all that has happened over the years I will need to learn to accept the past in full and accept that these things have happened and cannot be changed. Thinking that I can somehow change the past to suit what I want or that I will somehow bring about a different outcome if I stew on it enough is wrong and negative thinking and is just leaving me going around in circles. It's hard to come to terms with this but it simply has to be done. I lost a relationship with a close friend recently who proved that they weren't interested in the spoken word of God even though they constantly went out of their way to say that God's truth was more important to them than anything. I felt betrayed, mocked and deeply let down. This blow was very hard to take as this was a friendship I thought I would have for the rest of my life yet I was left with no choice but to walk away from it. I have no choice but to come to terms with what has happened and realize that I cannot change it. I cannot hold on to the past - the friendship we had before - because it no longer exists. I cannot change things and I certainly cannot control that person's response. All I can do is respond to their actions even if it hurts me and change the course of the friendship as a result.

Planning is something I have found immense safety in over the years. I love to be able to plan for things and work out just how everything is going to go. I don't find that I cope particularly well when something happens that's completely unexpected and throws a spanner into the works. Instead of focusing on responding to the change, dealing with the spanner in the works and altering the course of my plans if I need to, my default reaction has been to fly off the handle at the change that has dared happen without my specific consent. I have realized that this method of operating is useless. Life does not take prisoners. There are things that happen that come completely out of the blue that cannot be changed and can alter the course of our life's path because God and the world are far bigger than we are and our own little boxed in plans for our lives. The sooner we come to terms with this and learn to relax in a world we know we cannot fully control, the sooner we will reach a greater place of peace and contentment as human beings.

So, if you're a planner like me, you may have identified with something in this blog. I hope that you take something from this and feel encouraged in some way. You're not alone in your journey.

Take care.

The pursuit of truth

Truth has to be one of the most important things in the lives of human beings. We are all searching for truth about different things in life - who we really are, what our purpose is, who we should marry, what football team we should support, etc etc. Many of us devote our entire lives to the search for truth, not only for our own sakes but for the sake of others whom we can share the truth with once we find it.

Jesus was the single most devoted person in history to the truth. He spent His entire time on earth preaching the truth about many different aspects of life. The truth he preached won Him many friends. It also created many enemies - mainly because the truth that He preached offended them because it didn't line up with what they wanted. The Son of God was unfailing love. He was also unfailing truth and invited His followers to journey with Him throughout His life's mission of both preaching and fulfilling the truth through His sacrifice.

In John 6, Jesus was teaching about His crucifixion. Many of His followers became offended with His teaching and said - "This is a hard teaching, who can accept it?" (John 6:60). Jesus' response to them was simple - "Does this offend you?.....There are some of you who don't believe." (John 6:61-65). The following verse is very telling - "From that time many of His disciples turned away, and walked with Him no more." (John 6:66). Jesus was not a man of compromise when it came to the truth. He knew what was right - and He stuck by it. He challenged His disciples to put the truth even before themselves - and only those who truly loved the truth and believed in Him accepted what Jesus said to them and stayed with Him. The rest disappeared.

We all have a certain knowledge and understanding of the truth in our lives. Each of us has different truths that relate to us as individuals. The truth that Jesus was preaching about His own crucifixion challenged the belief systems many of the people of His time held dear. Yet they proved to Jesus that they were only interested in the truth just so long as it suited them and lined up with what they wanted. They couldn't handle their core beliefs being challenged by anyone - even the Son of God - and therefore chose to walk away. Jesus' pursuit of the truth took Him to a bloody death on a tree. The only disciple that embraced the truth of His journey enough to be able to walk with Him to the very end was John - who is often interpreted in scripture as "The Disciple that Jesus loved." (John 13:23).

Truth has become something that has become very, very important to me - especially over the last few years. Spending a life in constant, almost indefinable trauma has lead me on a relentless pursuit for truth as throughout my own journey inwards over the last 12 years - which has brought me most of my healing - I have come to know for a fact that "the truth will set you free." (John 8:32). The truth which has brought me the most healing has challenged me very deeply and forced me to let go of any ounce of pride I ever had in my life as I became more and more aware that stubborn pride blocks ones ability to face the truth in their own lives. I have developed enough inner strength now to be honestly able to say that I do love the truth and I am prepared to stand by it - even when it hurts me. Most of the time, the truth has only really hurt because it's challenged me on a deeply rooted lie I've been subconsciously believing - sometimes for a very long time.

I have had to learn that when a word I knew was true was spoken into my life and it hurt me deeply - it was because God was using the truth to weed out the deeply rooted lies I was believing in my own heart. I then had two choices - to either become offended and reject the truth because it upset me, or embrace the truth and accept that the very fact it upset me meant that I was being challenged on something I needed to be challenged on. Sometimes this was a very hard and lengthy process and it could be a long time before I was truly able to identify the lie I was already believing in my own soul that this truth was clashing with. But I had to realize that this process was all a part of spiritual growth  as becoming a stronger, more emotionally healthy human being meant to uproot the lies in my soul and replace them with God's truth. The uprooting process was painful - even more so when the lies had been deeply reinforced over time. But I had to realize that if I didn't embrace this process, I wouldn't have grown. God bluntly told me once - "Do you want to get better, or not?" It was up to me to make the choice to do the right thing and allow the lies to come to the surface so that I could identify and be healed of them.

What I've found is that many Christians do want to love and embrace the truth, but we are all at different stages in our walk. Some are not yet ready to face the truth about themselves that they need to face in order to move on. Some need to see their pursuit of their own plans completely fall apart before they are ready to submit to the truth of God's plan for their lives (I was one of these people). And then, there are some who are well aware of the fact that God has spoken the truth - yet are so hopelessly obsessed with their own pride that they willingly reject the will of God because He wants something different to what they do. I recently lost a long term friendship because of this, and though it's upset me greatly, it's better that I know now where this person was at before I invested any more into them.

It's hard and painful when you see the loss of people in your life because others do not understand your quest for truth and your development into the person God has called you to be. It's made me realize just how important it is to surround oneself with people who are truly prepared to embrace the truth in every sense and that they are humble enough to allow God to speak His truth into their hearts and change their lives. Simply professing to be a Christian is not enough. You cannot put yourself, finances, loyalty to relationships, and other things before the truth. If you truly claim to love the truth, you must put it first and put your money where your mouth is. You must be prepared to face the truth - most importantly, the truth about yourself. Look to the story of Jesus and the rich young ruler (Matthew 19:16-22). He simply couldn't accept that He had to give up his wealth. Jesus challenged him on the deepest belief he held in his own heart - which was that money was more important than anything. Even though the young man knew Jesus had spoken, He couldn't accept his truth and went away sad, refusing to follow Jesus and gain eternal life as he wished for because the price was too high - the price of having to let go of his own pride and dependence on material things.

At the end of the day, God's truth - especially His spoken Rhema word - is absolute and unchanging. Learn to embrace it and if it offends you, ask Him to help you understand why you are so offended. Don't be upset when He challenges you on deep issues in your heart. He is doing it because He loves you and wants to grow you more as a person. Embracing God's truth is the best thing we can ever do for our own souls - even if it does hurt at times. Count the cost, and realize that it's better to learn the truth God has given to us than walk around in a place of prideful offence because we refuse to face the lies we believe deep in our own souls.

Take care.

Three seasons

The last two years of my life have, in a lot of ways, become the most important years of my entire life - certainly in my adult life, anyway. Some of the things that happened were seemingly very random, yet God clearly spoke to me recently that everything has happened exactly as He ordained it and has happened at just the right time. God spoke to me of 3 seasons over the past 2 years - the season of Death, the season of Burial, and the season of Resurrection.

This is of course a parallel with the death, burial and resurrection of Jesus Christ. On the first day, He died a brutal death on the cross. On the second day, His body was buried and a stone rolled over the mouth of the tomb, where He was to be held for evermore (or so the people who buried Him thought). On the third day, Jesus cast off the shackles of death and rose again, from the darkest place imaginable to a place of brilliant light and wholeness, having accomplished the greatest mission anyone would ever accomplish in the history of the world - to open the door for the souls of human beings to be saved. This journey cost Him everything. But it gained Him everything as well and achieved something that could never have been achieved by anyone else.

The season of Death began when I went through burnout in August 2011. My health died, my job died, many relationships either died or were dealt fatal blows that would eventually bleed out later on. This was a hard period - a very lean period where I was too sick to work so most of my time was spent at home, trying to work through my emotions and gain some understanding of what had just happened to me. Meanwhile those who in a lot of ways played a part in my downfall seemed happy and prosperous. This was a very, very bleak time. I picked up some bad habits which I hadn't used for years, such as cigarette smoking, mainly due to the horrible stress I was going through at the time. During this time two living environments in Taupo folded up and I ended up moving back home with my parents in Tauranga in June 2012. The season of death lasted one year.

From August 2012, the season of Burial began. Things had already died - now the funeral arrangements were being made and the death was made final. This was the season where I began cutting my ties with those who had played a part in my downfall in Taupo and where many of the relationships God didn't want involved in my future for various reasons were steadily weeded out of my life. This was the season where I finally saw that I needed to start coming off antidepressant medication for the first time in 8 years. As before, this was a season of deep soul searching and self analysis. It was almost 100% inwardly focused. Despite how bleak this season was, and how much loss was involved, I began to see a real strength begin to develop in myself during this time. I saw a boldness and a courage begin to emerge that I had never seen before and I also saw something amazing happen through my book being picked up by a major publishing house in the USA which would see my story propelled onto the world stage.

From August 2013, the season of Resurrection began. It started with the beginning of a new relationship with my girlfriend. Other amazing things were to follow. I cast off the last of the wrong friendships that had been holding me back with a new found sense of courage that my girlfriend helped me to discover within myself. It has continued to blossom into something new as after being out of work for nearly a year and then having a job which was only part time, I now have a good, respectable full time job which I will start in the middle of next month. I feel stronger, healthier and more confident in myself than ever before. However, this is only the beginning of this new season. More things are going to follow. The seasons of death and burial each lasted a day in the life of Jesus - or a year, in the life of me. However, the season of resurrection lasted forever. I believe my life is going to be similar. I have gone through something which probably would have killed someone weaker than I was - yet I got through it and I am a stronger, healthier person than I've ever been as a result.

I see a vision of myself as a butterfly that has been locked in a chrysalis of development for a very long time. It's a very small place to be in - tiny, in fact, and there was no room for anyone except myself. There was nothing happening except self analysis, emotional processing, self development, emotional healing. That's all my life has been about over these past two years. During that time I've felt a sense of almost claustrophobia - yet I always knew it was too soon to be emerging from this place of development as you have to make sure that you don't leave the place of growth and development too early. In the same way a butterfly will die if it exits the chrysalis too early - I couldn't leave this place of development until I was fully ready as any left over baggage that wasn't fully processed would be carried with me into the promised land I was walking into, and corrupt my blessing. I had to learn to not only accept the place that I was in, but to embrace it and really make the most of it to make sure that I was as strong and well developed emotionally as I could possibly be so that I could prepare myself properly for the future.

I believe I am out of this place of development now, and I am now learning to think more about other people rather than just myself all the time. However, due to the time I have spent thinking about myself and processing my own issues, I am able to speak into the lives of others with a level of depth and clarity I never would have had otherwise. However, it's not as if I have just blossomed immediately. I remember seeing the monarch butterflies we had at our house when I was growing up. When they came out of the chrysalis, they didn't just fly away straight away. They had to spend time straightening up their wings, allowing them to dry out, and probably went for a few shaky test flights before they really had the confidence to begin soaring. I believe this is the place that I am in now.

Ultimately I am beginning to walk in the season of victory, and though it's unfamiliar as I've never walked in a season like this before, I feel as if I am ready for it. I had to go through the spiritual journey I've been on over the past two years to be able to get to where I am today because without those experiences I never would be able to walk in the season I am in now. I would have just polluted my blessings with the darkness in myself. Fortunately, thanks to those two years of death and burial, I've been able to overcome most of it so that I am now able to contain the blessings that have come into my life.

If you find yourself in a place of confusion and uncertainty in your life, or if you're going through some terrible pain similar to what I've been through, don't lose heart. God hasn't forgotten about you. He knows what He's doing in your life. He's preparing you for greater things and the sooner you learn to embrace the season of preparation, the sooner you will be ready for the good things He's got for you and wants you to walk into. He's keeping you in that place of development not to hurt you - but because it's where you need to be. God loves you and wants you to walk into new things as a whole, strong, emotionally and spiritually healthy human being because if you walk in to a new thing with old baggage, you will corrupt it. So stay strong. Embrace the pain of growth and remember that it's for a good purpose.

Take care.

God is in control - even when we can't see how

The subject of God being in control of our lives and circumstances - even when we don't understand what's going on - is a subject often preached about in Christian circles these days. Often, His control means an answer or an outcome that we often don't expect, but later turns out to be the right thing.

Recently, my heart was deeply impacted by someone I once considered to be a close friend who has taken a proud stance for something that God very clearly indicated for me to take a stand against. I'd spoken to this person on several occasions yet they chose to ignore me despite the fact that I was doing as I was clearly told by God. The final nail in the coffin for this situation came up when I was talking to this person and all of a sudden my heart burst into flames with an urgent message from God for this person - "Tell them what I've told you." I stopped the conversation and explained that God had put it on my heart to tell this person exactly what God had told me. I explained that the stance I had taken was because God had told me to and that God was actually opposed to what this person was standing for. And once again, I was ignored as they continued to verbally defend something God had clearly told me (and them) that He was opposed to. Though they openly admitted that they knew that I was doing as I was told by God - they still continued to support what I was standing against and therefore had chosen to act in deliberate defiance to the will of God.

I literally couldn't believe what I was hearing. I thought this person was a close friend and here they were, deliberately dishonoring the Rhema word of God because God's word didn't line up with what they wanted. It's one thing to do the wrong thing and dishonor the word of God because we don't know any better or think we are doing the right thing when we really aren't. However, to be clearly instructed by God's Rhema word that we are doing wrong or are supporting something that is wrong - yet continue to do it anyway - is another matter altogether. I've learned in my walk that the Rhema word is the most important word a Christian can possibly hear. To see someone I once considered a close friend deliberately dishonoring the word of God because it didn't line up with what they wanted indicated that their pride was more important than God's truth - which was heartbreaking.

After months of trying to figure all of this out and dealing with the heartbreak, God clearly spoke to me. He simply said - "I don't see why you are so surprised this has happened, Graham. I'm not taken by surprise through all of this. I orchestrated this whole thing right from the beginning because I wanted to show you that this person does not have a place in your life any longer. This all happened due to My will and My purposes. Your life and ministry from this point on needs to be built on a firm foundation and part of that foundation is having people around you that can be trusted and can be relied upon to honor My Word and put it above themselves and their own wants and desires. Those who don't fit this mould will be removed because it's for your greater good."

I realized that most of my worry and stress in this situation had been simply because I thought that God had actually wanted this person to be a part of my long-term future and that God was angry because things hadn't gone to His plan. However, this wasn't the case at all. God knew exactly what He was doing and knew that this person could be relied upon to do the wrong thing - which is why He put the test of character in place so that I would see that they would fail it. It hurt now - in fact, it hurt enormously and a big part of why it hurt so much was the disbelief in my own mind as to what had just taken place. But I realized that a bit of pain now when the truth is revealed is better than an enormous amount of pain years down the line when a foundation has been built and it collapses at one point due to the pride and dishonor of someone who has spent all of that time focusing on what they want instead of putting God's Word and His truth first. God knew exactly what He was doing right from the beginning.

I have found that these types of situations often seem to happen when people are called apart for ministry - such as myself. God seems to be very pedantic as to who He wants in their lives - and who He doesn't. Since going through burnout in 2011, God has done an enormous amount of pruning in my life. He has removed people out of my life that He doesn't want to be there, He's removed me out of situations that were no longer beneficial and He's removed a huge amount of the fear and desire to please people at any cost which has plagued me my entire life. This fear has been replaced by a boldness and a courage to take a stand and do the right thing regardless of what it costs - and who decides to walk out of my life as a result. All of this has happened because of the life and ministry that God has planned for me. He wants the right people around me and wants me to have the ability to do the right thing and stand by God's Word and His truth before anything else.

The main lesson I took from all of this is that God knows the beginning from the end and that when He puts certain circumstances in place within our lives which cause reactions from others that we don't expect (and sometimes even shock us to the core) we need not be surprised and think that God has been taken by surprise in all of this. He hasn't. He knows people's hearts better than we do and He knows who can be relied upon to do the right thing - and who can't. If you are struggling with unexpected changes in your circumstances at the moment and are perhaps facing something similar to what I've faced - remember that God knows the beginning from the end and that everything happens for a reason. The reason may not always be what you expect - but it's right nonetheless and although it may hurt temporarily, it will benefit you in the long run.

Take care.