Heather Nestleroad's Blog, page 5
July 10, 2016
July, Journeys, and Finding a Way Back
It has been six months since we flew caution to the wind and moved away from everything we ever knew. I still have moments that I wake up and think it was a dream and only when I look for my favorite tree outside my bathroom window does it occur to me that it is not a dream. We didn't just move to a new house in the same area we moved to my idea of paradise and what mostly makes it paradise is that we all came together. Being away from everything can be a good thing at times. This is now home, our new normal.
Perks to being away include the fact that I don't feel like I need to escape to get through the month of July. I don't walk into rooms and see my mother and have to replay those last days over and over. I don't have to tell myself there was nothing I could have done and that it wasn't my fault. I don't have to convince myself that if only I could run away I wouldn't have to feel the loss constantly. I am away and I still feel the loss but only now that it is July, and especially now that I have had a phone call from my dad to remind me.
My step brother has passed away. My dad called to let me know. The shocking part is that I actually got a call. We have literally gone years without a word from him. We moved four states away and he didn't call to see if we arrived safely. He called three months later. If there is bad news to be shared or a family function to attend it is my aunt who sends a text or a phone call to inform us. It is a very sad time. I'm mostly sad because while our parents are married I nor my children were included in my dad's new family. Just as my dad's family always referred to me as my mother's daughter and rarely as father's daughter I was never considered a sister or a daughter to his wife and step children, no matter what I did or tried. I'm a reasonably intelligent person, I can take a hint. So my step brother has passed away and I am sad for the brother/sister relationship I didn't get to have and I'm sad for his family but I am essentially a stranger looking in from the outside. This being confirmed by the fact that I wasn't even mentioned as a sister in the obituary.
My dad then went on to ask me if I remembered what day my mother died. It has been three days since this phone call and I still can't figure how he could think I would forget. I'm an only child and my mother wasn't married at the time of her death at fifty two years of age. I was her care taker. I was 31 with three children ages 7, 6, and 1 to take care of while I took care of my dying mother and I turned 32 the day after she died. I can't forget that. He continued with 'what year was it?' to which I responded it will be 12 years this year it was 2004. He said, 'it doesn't seem like its been that long ago.' I said, 'well I get to remember it every year so...' He said, 'well I guess we all have things we have to carry with us.' Indeed. He continued to endear himself to my heart further but I won't share the rest of it. I just absorbed it all and mostly I just wondered why I'm not worthy of his love.
You know how God sometimes protects you from yourself? I couldn't respond how I might have, had I not been so stunned to just answer the questions. My dad may lack compassion and completely lack sensitivity but that doesn't mean that I have to lose those things when speaking with him. It does not give me the right to be rude and it doesn't even necessarily allow me to tell him how I feel about how I am treated by him or the rest of his family. His wife once essentially told me I was a mistake and my dad wouldn't have married my mom had she not been pregnant. It's not true but it sums up how she feels about me and she never wanted my children to call her grandma. I have tried talking to him and it gets me nowhere. What it does do is remind me of who I don't want to be, how I don't want to treat people, and sometimes why I really needed to move away from everything I ever knew.
I believe I needed to move so I could be allowed to grow. God takes us from our comfort zones so we can be stretched and grow into who we are meant to be. I had become so comfortable I was afraid to do things I had once done. I was so comfortable I didn't necessarily need to leave the house. I had become so comfortable it is possible I was beginning to convince myself that I could go on the rest of my life not living life to the fullest and continuing to run from God and what is quite possibly what he had planned for me all along. I stopped writing. I convinced myself I had finished that segment in life and that God couldn't possibly want me to do it anymore because no one read what I had to say anyway. I wasn't any good at it and I should spend more time reading instead of writing. And maybe I'm not good at it but I'm starting to think it isn't up to me to decide that. I started forgetting who I was.
God knows who I am. I tend to forget or I tend to think He is wrong and I am right. I am nobody. I can't be used for anything. What could I possibly contribute to the literary world or any part of the world in general? But what if its not about me? What if my healing and growing comes when just one person reads what I have to say finds God seeking them out?
I read quite a bit and I love to sing. Reading is an escape. Singing is fun. I'm a terrible singer. I know this, it isn't my gift. I still love it. Yesterday I helped with my first demo day and tore down a wall. Something I may have talked myself out of before. I was awesome. I'm trying to find myself. Maybe you are too. When I write it is like I'm taking others with me on this journey. Maybe you can relate to my adventures with my family, maybe you can relate to my journey with God, maybe you just need to feel like you aren't alone in this haphazard road we are all on together called Life. Whatever brings you here, I hope you find yourself too. I hope God reaches your heart through something He has me write. So it appears I'm finding my way back. When God gives me the words I'll meet you here. Until next time...
Perks to being away include the fact that I don't feel like I need to escape to get through the month of July. I don't walk into rooms and see my mother and have to replay those last days over and over. I don't have to tell myself there was nothing I could have done and that it wasn't my fault. I don't have to convince myself that if only I could run away I wouldn't have to feel the loss constantly. I am away and I still feel the loss but only now that it is July, and especially now that I have had a phone call from my dad to remind me.
My step brother has passed away. My dad called to let me know. The shocking part is that I actually got a call. We have literally gone years without a word from him. We moved four states away and he didn't call to see if we arrived safely. He called three months later. If there is bad news to be shared or a family function to attend it is my aunt who sends a text or a phone call to inform us. It is a very sad time. I'm mostly sad because while our parents are married I nor my children were included in my dad's new family. Just as my dad's family always referred to me as my mother's daughter and rarely as father's daughter I was never considered a sister or a daughter to his wife and step children, no matter what I did or tried. I'm a reasonably intelligent person, I can take a hint. So my step brother has passed away and I am sad for the brother/sister relationship I didn't get to have and I'm sad for his family but I am essentially a stranger looking in from the outside. This being confirmed by the fact that I wasn't even mentioned as a sister in the obituary.
My dad then went on to ask me if I remembered what day my mother died. It has been three days since this phone call and I still can't figure how he could think I would forget. I'm an only child and my mother wasn't married at the time of her death at fifty two years of age. I was her care taker. I was 31 with three children ages 7, 6, and 1 to take care of while I took care of my dying mother and I turned 32 the day after she died. I can't forget that. He continued with 'what year was it?' to which I responded it will be 12 years this year it was 2004. He said, 'it doesn't seem like its been that long ago.' I said, 'well I get to remember it every year so...' He said, 'well I guess we all have things we have to carry with us.' Indeed. He continued to endear himself to my heart further but I won't share the rest of it. I just absorbed it all and mostly I just wondered why I'm not worthy of his love.
You know how God sometimes protects you from yourself? I couldn't respond how I might have, had I not been so stunned to just answer the questions. My dad may lack compassion and completely lack sensitivity but that doesn't mean that I have to lose those things when speaking with him. It does not give me the right to be rude and it doesn't even necessarily allow me to tell him how I feel about how I am treated by him or the rest of his family. His wife once essentially told me I was a mistake and my dad wouldn't have married my mom had she not been pregnant. It's not true but it sums up how she feels about me and she never wanted my children to call her grandma. I have tried talking to him and it gets me nowhere. What it does do is remind me of who I don't want to be, how I don't want to treat people, and sometimes why I really needed to move away from everything I ever knew.
I believe I needed to move so I could be allowed to grow. God takes us from our comfort zones so we can be stretched and grow into who we are meant to be. I had become so comfortable I was afraid to do things I had once done. I was so comfortable I didn't necessarily need to leave the house. I had become so comfortable it is possible I was beginning to convince myself that I could go on the rest of my life not living life to the fullest and continuing to run from God and what is quite possibly what he had planned for me all along. I stopped writing. I convinced myself I had finished that segment in life and that God couldn't possibly want me to do it anymore because no one read what I had to say anyway. I wasn't any good at it and I should spend more time reading instead of writing. And maybe I'm not good at it but I'm starting to think it isn't up to me to decide that. I started forgetting who I was.
God knows who I am. I tend to forget or I tend to think He is wrong and I am right. I am nobody. I can't be used for anything. What could I possibly contribute to the literary world or any part of the world in general? But what if its not about me? What if my healing and growing comes when just one person reads what I have to say finds God seeking them out?
I read quite a bit and I love to sing. Reading is an escape. Singing is fun. I'm a terrible singer. I know this, it isn't my gift. I still love it. Yesterday I helped with my first demo day and tore down a wall. Something I may have talked myself out of before. I was awesome. I'm trying to find myself. Maybe you are too. When I write it is like I'm taking others with me on this journey. Maybe you can relate to my adventures with my family, maybe you can relate to my journey with God, maybe you just need to feel like you aren't alone in this haphazard road we are all on together called Life. Whatever brings you here, I hope you find yourself too. I hope God reaches your heart through something He has me write. So it appears I'm finding my way back. When God gives me the words I'll meet you here. Until next time...
March 31, 2016
Moving, Doctors, and Finding Joy in the Unknown
Three months ago we followed the dream. We packed up and moved four states away from everything we ever knew. While it was and still is exciting there was one detail that I didn't fully think through. Doctors. To say that I dislike going to the doctor would be an understatement. I get it, they are doing their jobs. Mostly I just wish I wasn't in need of ever seeing one. I am not a fan of taking medicine, or needles, or tests that could possibly inflict pain of any kind. My pain tolerance isn't unnecessarily low my tolerance for dealing with things like this is quite low.
In my delusion with this move, I had this crazy idea that I was going to get out of ever going to the doctor again when I moved. A small part of my brain (read all of it,..all of my brain) thought that by moving south I would lose twenty pounds when I crossed the border and become so healthy from the sunshine that I would no longer require a medical professional as long as I remembered to wear sun screen. I also was under the delusion that if I needed anything I could just call the doctor I've seen for over twenty years and he could just send the script to my husband and be done with it...because in "Heather world" this is how things should work. I get what I need and I never have to enter the cold sterile world of a medical structure. This however, is not how the real world works. My doctor sent me in a three month supply at the request of my husband so that I don't drop dead and told him I had three months to find a new doctor. Apparently there is a law or it is frowned upon to prescribe to a patient you cannot actually see to diagnose. Whatever...
I spent weeks researching doctors on the internet. One of my best friends is named Google. She doesn't send me Christmas or Birthday cards but she is handy for information. I googled family practitioners near me and then sorted through them all looking at their Vitals and Health Grades online and all sorts of patient reviews. I even went so far as making an appointment with one doctor and then changing my mind and picking a different one. (The first one didn't sit well and I felt unease about it.) I made the appointment and then had weeks to stew about it.
Wednesday I went to this new doctor and it became quickly a "Toto...I don't think we're in Kansas anymore" type of situation. (The building is two levels for one.) For those of you that are not aware I moved here from a one stoplight town surrounded by corn fields in the Midwest. We are now in a warmer climate where I haven't seen a single stalk of corn but many a cow and if you can think it, its probably here. I brought a book because I was sure that I would probably have a wait. I had to stand in a line to check in and there were two desks across from each other where you could check in. You have to have your id and insurance card ready before you get up there. There were many people waiting.
Here are my thoughts and observations before being seen by anyone:
1. Are all of these people waiting to be seen? This is going to take forever2. Shouldn't there be a television in the waiting room playing Little House on the Prairie? This place seems kind of new-ish, couldn't they afford a flat screen to entertain the masses that are waiting? 3. I think there is a rule that I can just leave if the wait time is over 30 minutes. That's a thing right?
When I get called up I did ask the gal if the doctor was nice. She checked to see who I was seeing and then sang his praises. Note to self: OK he seems to be liked by the staff. If she checked to see who it was that means there must be someone that is not up to par. It seems I chose well.
I didn't have to wait too long before getting called back. I'd say about 2-3 pages into a book. There doesn't seem to be any real decor and everything is very sterile looking. I had to stand on the dreaded scales and then in my head I heard my nurse back home tell me, "We are going to the room with the butterflies on the door." There are no butterflies on any doors and there aren't any family pictures in the exam rooms. Mostly it seems cold. But then I got to talk to this new nurse and she seems really nice. I then get to meet the doctor a short time later. He arrives and apologizes for my wait which really wasn't that long. He looks very doctorly. (Yes it's a word even if spell check disagrees.) What I got from the appointment was that he seems very knowledgeable and when describing my recent history he doesn't seem to agree with my treatment. He spent some time shaking his head and put his head in his hands at one point. What I also found out is that I have spent too much time going to the Wawa and should meet a vegetable or a piece of fruit sometime.
I explained to him that I had thought I would lose weight when I moved here but then we met the Wawa and losing weight has taken a back seat to everything else. He seems to have a good head on his shoulders so I think this might work.
So here's the take away. Oh don't look surprised you knew a lesson was coming. Moving is stressful. Parenting is stressful. Adulting (this too is a word) is well... stressful. Sometimes it can all be overwhelming...especially when you have water coming out the bottom of the dishwasher and no clue who to call and really all you want to do is curl in a ball and cry. I struggle keeping it all together. I'm not as brave or near as confident as I'd like to believe I could be but here's the thing... From the very beginning of this journey even when we thought the journey was not going to happen, God has been right there to put people in our path to help us with all of this. Even with all the stuff that can send you in a tizzy and make you question everything, God is there. I know very few people here. I don't have even a handful of people to call for coffee or a movie for a girls night. I don't have my beloved Bunco group and I sure don't have the surroundings I've known my entire life including my medical team. What I do have though are possibilities and promises. I have dreams and sunshine after the storms. Honestly this week has stressed me and stretched me.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." My life verse plays in my mind followed swiftly by this one found in John 16:33 "I have told you these things so that you can have peace in me, In this world you will have trouble but take heart! I have overcome the world." I'm holding onto these promises as I learn my way here. I can do this. I can live this new life because every step of the way God has made a way for us. He put things in place, he brought friends before us to show us the way, when we arrived and were living in the mess of boxes he helped us to find all the paperwork we needed for everything. He placed us in a church where I really like the pastor and his wife and think to myself, "He might be the man who performs the ceremony for my children's weddings." In this church we found a guitar teacher for my daughter and she learned more in one lesson than ten back home. In this neighborhood we have met people who are kind and maybe not lets go hang out friends but people we can ask questions or call on to remove a snake.
I'm holding on for dear life. I am stressed to the point of breaking out in hives but I'm also filled with joy. I may not be brave but I can rest assured because I am beloved.
In my delusion with this move, I had this crazy idea that I was going to get out of ever going to the doctor again when I moved. A small part of my brain (read all of it,..all of my brain) thought that by moving south I would lose twenty pounds when I crossed the border and become so healthy from the sunshine that I would no longer require a medical professional as long as I remembered to wear sun screen. I also was under the delusion that if I needed anything I could just call the doctor I've seen for over twenty years and he could just send the script to my husband and be done with it...because in "Heather world" this is how things should work. I get what I need and I never have to enter the cold sterile world of a medical structure. This however, is not how the real world works. My doctor sent me in a three month supply at the request of my husband so that I don't drop dead and told him I had three months to find a new doctor. Apparently there is a law or it is frowned upon to prescribe to a patient you cannot actually see to diagnose. Whatever...
I spent weeks researching doctors on the internet. One of my best friends is named Google. She doesn't send me Christmas or Birthday cards but she is handy for information. I googled family practitioners near me and then sorted through them all looking at their Vitals and Health Grades online and all sorts of patient reviews. I even went so far as making an appointment with one doctor and then changing my mind and picking a different one. (The first one didn't sit well and I felt unease about it.) I made the appointment and then had weeks to stew about it.
Wednesday I went to this new doctor and it became quickly a "Toto...I don't think we're in Kansas anymore" type of situation. (The building is two levels for one.) For those of you that are not aware I moved here from a one stoplight town surrounded by corn fields in the Midwest. We are now in a warmer climate where I haven't seen a single stalk of corn but many a cow and if you can think it, its probably here. I brought a book because I was sure that I would probably have a wait. I had to stand in a line to check in and there were two desks across from each other where you could check in. You have to have your id and insurance card ready before you get up there. There were many people waiting.
Here are my thoughts and observations before being seen by anyone:
1. Are all of these people waiting to be seen? This is going to take forever2. Shouldn't there be a television in the waiting room playing Little House on the Prairie? This place seems kind of new-ish, couldn't they afford a flat screen to entertain the masses that are waiting? 3. I think there is a rule that I can just leave if the wait time is over 30 minutes. That's a thing right?
When I get called up I did ask the gal if the doctor was nice. She checked to see who I was seeing and then sang his praises. Note to self: OK he seems to be liked by the staff. If she checked to see who it was that means there must be someone that is not up to par. It seems I chose well.
I didn't have to wait too long before getting called back. I'd say about 2-3 pages into a book. There doesn't seem to be any real decor and everything is very sterile looking. I had to stand on the dreaded scales and then in my head I heard my nurse back home tell me, "We are going to the room with the butterflies on the door." There are no butterflies on any doors and there aren't any family pictures in the exam rooms. Mostly it seems cold. But then I got to talk to this new nurse and she seems really nice. I then get to meet the doctor a short time later. He arrives and apologizes for my wait which really wasn't that long. He looks very doctorly. (Yes it's a word even if spell check disagrees.) What I got from the appointment was that he seems very knowledgeable and when describing my recent history he doesn't seem to agree with my treatment. He spent some time shaking his head and put his head in his hands at one point. What I also found out is that I have spent too much time going to the Wawa and should meet a vegetable or a piece of fruit sometime.
I explained to him that I had thought I would lose weight when I moved here but then we met the Wawa and losing weight has taken a back seat to everything else. He seems to have a good head on his shoulders so I think this might work.
So here's the take away. Oh don't look surprised you knew a lesson was coming. Moving is stressful. Parenting is stressful. Adulting (this too is a word) is well... stressful. Sometimes it can all be overwhelming...especially when you have water coming out the bottom of the dishwasher and no clue who to call and really all you want to do is curl in a ball and cry. I struggle keeping it all together. I'm not as brave or near as confident as I'd like to believe I could be but here's the thing... From the very beginning of this journey even when we thought the journey was not going to happen, God has been right there to put people in our path to help us with all of this. Even with all the stuff that can send you in a tizzy and make you question everything, God is there. I know very few people here. I don't have even a handful of people to call for coffee or a movie for a girls night. I don't have my beloved Bunco group and I sure don't have the surroundings I've known my entire life including my medical team. What I do have though are possibilities and promises. I have dreams and sunshine after the storms. Honestly this week has stressed me and stretched me.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." My life verse plays in my mind followed swiftly by this one found in John 16:33 "I have told you these things so that you can have peace in me, In this world you will have trouble but take heart! I have overcome the world." I'm holding onto these promises as I learn my way here. I can do this. I can live this new life because every step of the way God has made a way for us. He put things in place, he brought friends before us to show us the way, when we arrived and were living in the mess of boxes he helped us to find all the paperwork we needed for everything. He placed us in a church where I really like the pastor and his wife and think to myself, "He might be the man who performs the ceremony for my children's weddings." In this church we found a guitar teacher for my daughter and she learned more in one lesson than ten back home. In this neighborhood we have met people who are kind and maybe not lets go hang out friends but people we can ask questions or call on to remove a snake.
I'm holding on for dear life. I am stressed to the point of breaking out in hives but I'm also filled with joy. I may not be brave but I can rest assured because I am beloved.
March 9, 2016
Is This Midlife Crisis?
In this quadrant of life I find myself in I find myself seeing things in firsts and lasts. In just a matter of ten short days my oldest child will turn twenty years old. Gone will be her teens the very last vestiges of her childhood gone with the turning of the clock. I see flashes of her childhood flashing before my eyes. Her first day of kindergarten when she said she was a big girl now and she had to ride the bus to school. Her learning how to read, how to write, how to multiply, how to drive. So many firsts with so many more yet to come. Last days of elementary, last day of junior high, and last day of high school she was sure would never come and I wasn't sure we would survive with so many roller coasters that we seemed to be riding.
As a teenager I couldn't wait to fly the nest and get on with life and as a mother I'm terrified of her flying away and getting on with her life. No longer will I be the mother of three teenagers. I will be the mother of two teenagers and an adult. How do I mother her now? I haven't even gotten this mother of teenagers thing figured out yet? These people are growing up far to quickly for my taste. Where do we go from here? My entire identity is changing.
I was married at twenty two and had my first child at twenty three. I stayed home to raise my children, a gift that I acknowledge, and an enormous blessing as I am aware not everyone is able to do so. I haven't been in school for over twenty years. I didn't use the two associate degrees I earned in college and I don't know what I'm supposed to do with myself in this quadrant. How do I introduce myself to people when my children are grown? "Hello I'm Heather and I'm a stay at home mom, I just don't have any children at home?" Or " Hello I'm Heather and I'm a housewife who hates to cook, can't bake like her mother, and cleans when she can write her name in the dust?" (That part may be an exaggeration) How will I spend my days? I don't watch soap operas and I'm not entirely sure what bon bon's are.
My middle child is eighteen years old and she can't wait to get a move on with figuring out her next steps. My baby is thirteen. THIRTEEN!!! The baby boy that I brought home from the hospital what feels like four years ago is now thirteen and is taller than everyone in our house. He's smart and funny and handsome and you know that some girl is going to snatch him up and I will no longer be his favorite.
Is this a midlife crisis? Is this THAT? Am I suddenly going to get urges to drive sports cars and have surgery to pick my "girls" up to where they once were? How does this thing work? What is even crazier is I've been toying with the idea of going back to school. I'm going to be "mid-forties" and I'm thinking of going back to school? That's crazy. By the time I graduated I'd have maybe five years to work before I was getting pushed out the door for being too old. Who wants to hire a fifty-something year old with no experience right out of school who may very well retire at sixty-something if she even lives that long. Don't get me wrong I aspire to see the ripe old age of ninety five. But let's be real here. I had my baby at thirty. And what would I study? Can you transfer twenty year old college credits? Even if you don't remember the classes because your entire existence has been about kids, kids activities, and carpools?
Twenty years old....and it went too fast. I want to go back to the American Girl store and start over. I want to get all rapped up in that cult of dolls and all their accessories. I want to buy the barbies and the matchbox cars and the Lincoln logs and forget this business of colleges and graduations and first apartments and marriages. I don't even know how to make chicken and noodles for two people. Will we just eat out or eat frozen entrees for one? What if he doesn't like me anymore when it's just the two of us? We've had children for almost the entirety of our marriage. I'm not near as cute as I once was. He looks the same if not better, I look like I'm old enough to be an older cousin.
But then again...maybe it won't be so bad. Maybe they will marry really great people someday and our family will get bigger. Maybe someday we can all be in a room without someone being mad at someone else. Maybe we can come together at holidays around a table of the finest meal Bob Evans has to offer at Easter and enjoy watching our future grandchildren hunt for eggs. Maybe my husband and I will travel and see the world.
Maybe...God has got this too. Maybe I should take a beat and remember who I am and not everything has to be figured out this minute. I am the child of a righteous King and whatever comes next...whether I have a really cool way of introducing myself or not, well, I suppose maybe the best identity I can think of is exactly who I am. I'm the daughter of a King who was blessed to stay home with three great kids and whatever comes next doesn't change that. I'll still be the mother of three great kids we'll just have a different dynamic. Also I would do well to remember that they were never really mine to begin with, they are His. He has a plan for each of them and if He has a plan for them, I can rely on Him to have a plan for me as well.
Now I really have to go because...well I have homework. One class awaits. Let the experiment begin.
As a teenager I couldn't wait to fly the nest and get on with life and as a mother I'm terrified of her flying away and getting on with her life. No longer will I be the mother of three teenagers. I will be the mother of two teenagers and an adult. How do I mother her now? I haven't even gotten this mother of teenagers thing figured out yet? These people are growing up far to quickly for my taste. Where do we go from here? My entire identity is changing.
I was married at twenty two and had my first child at twenty three. I stayed home to raise my children, a gift that I acknowledge, and an enormous blessing as I am aware not everyone is able to do so. I haven't been in school for over twenty years. I didn't use the two associate degrees I earned in college and I don't know what I'm supposed to do with myself in this quadrant. How do I introduce myself to people when my children are grown? "Hello I'm Heather and I'm a stay at home mom, I just don't have any children at home?" Or " Hello I'm Heather and I'm a housewife who hates to cook, can't bake like her mother, and cleans when she can write her name in the dust?" (That part may be an exaggeration) How will I spend my days? I don't watch soap operas and I'm not entirely sure what bon bon's are.
My middle child is eighteen years old and she can't wait to get a move on with figuring out her next steps. My baby is thirteen. THIRTEEN!!! The baby boy that I brought home from the hospital what feels like four years ago is now thirteen and is taller than everyone in our house. He's smart and funny and handsome and you know that some girl is going to snatch him up and I will no longer be his favorite.
Is this a midlife crisis? Is this THAT? Am I suddenly going to get urges to drive sports cars and have surgery to pick my "girls" up to where they once were? How does this thing work? What is even crazier is I've been toying with the idea of going back to school. I'm going to be "mid-forties" and I'm thinking of going back to school? That's crazy. By the time I graduated I'd have maybe five years to work before I was getting pushed out the door for being too old. Who wants to hire a fifty-something year old with no experience right out of school who may very well retire at sixty-something if she even lives that long. Don't get me wrong I aspire to see the ripe old age of ninety five. But let's be real here. I had my baby at thirty. And what would I study? Can you transfer twenty year old college credits? Even if you don't remember the classes because your entire existence has been about kids, kids activities, and carpools?
Twenty years old....and it went too fast. I want to go back to the American Girl store and start over. I want to get all rapped up in that cult of dolls and all their accessories. I want to buy the barbies and the matchbox cars and the Lincoln logs and forget this business of colleges and graduations and first apartments and marriages. I don't even know how to make chicken and noodles for two people. Will we just eat out or eat frozen entrees for one? What if he doesn't like me anymore when it's just the two of us? We've had children for almost the entirety of our marriage. I'm not near as cute as I once was. He looks the same if not better, I look like I'm old enough to be an older cousin.
But then again...maybe it won't be so bad. Maybe they will marry really great people someday and our family will get bigger. Maybe someday we can all be in a room without someone being mad at someone else. Maybe we can come together at holidays around a table of the finest meal Bob Evans has to offer at Easter and enjoy watching our future grandchildren hunt for eggs. Maybe my husband and I will travel and see the world.
Maybe...God has got this too. Maybe I should take a beat and remember who I am and not everything has to be figured out this minute. I am the child of a righteous King and whatever comes next...whether I have a really cool way of introducing myself or not, well, I suppose maybe the best identity I can think of is exactly who I am. I'm the daughter of a King who was blessed to stay home with three great kids and whatever comes next doesn't change that. I'll still be the mother of three great kids we'll just have a different dynamic. Also I would do well to remember that they were never really mine to begin with, they are His. He has a plan for each of them and if He has a plan for them, I can rely on Him to have a plan for me as well.
Now I really have to go because...well I have homework. One class awaits. Let the experiment begin.
February 25, 2016
Happy 64th Birthday Mom!
February 25, 2016
Dear Mom,
You would have turned 64 today. I wonder what you would have looked like? Would you still color your hair? (Probably) Would you wear it short or longer? To my mind's eye you are frozen in time, forever 52, forever beautiful, forever youngish. Would you have moved south with us or would you still be angry that we left? So many questions left unanswered until we meet again.
Your grandchildren are getting so grown up. Your oldest is going to be twenty. Can you believe that? M is finished with high school and preparing for college. and P, our baby who you never saw with hair, is taller than everyone in the house. You would be so proud of them. They would have driven your nut as they are just and sarcastic and snarky as their mother but you would have loved them deeply.
It was a moment, a blink of an eye, we were all together. We were having lasagna for Christmas Eve, we were eating the best cookies and candies ever made, we were shopping for nothing in particular, we were arguing because we were both right ALL. THE. TIME., we were talking on the phone while I made dinner, you were coming over for dinner, the kids were spending the night. It was a moment a lifetime ago and you were gone. I woke up and you weren't there and you weren't coming back. I want to call you. I want to tell you about our day. I want to hear about your friends. I want to argue with you because that's how I knew you cared.
We would be planning your birthday dinner for tonight. I imagine you being tan and being here and taking you to our favorite place for shrimp here. I can see you in your yellow swimsuit you wore the year we went to Surf side beach in South Carolina. I can see you sitting at the table drinking your coffee and chewing on your pinky finger like you used to do when you were tired. I can hear you asking me what I want to do next. Your voice is ingrained in my heart as well as your smile.
I'm sad but it isn't crippling anymore. I can see past my last year with you. I can remember all the fun times and smile because I was blessed enough to have you as my mother. You were young and not ready to be a mother but you were perfect in your presence. You were there for everything. You didn't miss a beat and you had a look that could stop me cold in my tracks. Oh how I wish I had inherited that. I wish so many things.
Wishing is not futile however, because I have the certainty that I will see you again. Until that day I'm sure your party in heaven is going to be amazing. Have a great day and know that I love you always.
Love,
Heather
Dear Mom,
You would have turned 64 today. I wonder what you would have looked like? Would you still color your hair? (Probably) Would you wear it short or longer? To my mind's eye you are frozen in time, forever 52, forever beautiful, forever youngish. Would you have moved south with us or would you still be angry that we left? So many questions left unanswered until we meet again.
Your grandchildren are getting so grown up. Your oldest is going to be twenty. Can you believe that? M is finished with high school and preparing for college. and P, our baby who you never saw with hair, is taller than everyone in the house. You would be so proud of them. They would have driven your nut as they are just and sarcastic and snarky as their mother but you would have loved them deeply.
It was a moment, a blink of an eye, we were all together. We were having lasagna for Christmas Eve, we were eating the best cookies and candies ever made, we were shopping for nothing in particular, we were arguing because we were both right ALL. THE. TIME., we were talking on the phone while I made dinner, you were coming over for dinner, the kids were spending the night. It was a moment a lifetime ago and you were gone. I woke up and you weren't there and you weren't coming back. I want to call you. I want to tell you about our day. I want to hear about your friends. I want to argue with you because that's how I knew you cared.
We would be planning your birthday dinner for tonight. I imagine you being tan and being here and taking you to our favorite place for shrimp here. I can see you in your yellow swimsuit you wore the year we went to Surf side beach in South Carolina. I can see you sitting at the table drinking your coffee and chewing on your pinky finger like you used to do when you were tired. I can hear you asking me what I want to do next. Your voice is ingrained in my heart as well as your smile.
I'm sad but it isn't crippling anymore. I can see past my last year with you. I can remember all the fun times and smile because I was blessed enough to have you as my mother. You were young and not ready to be a mother but you were perfect in your presence. You were there for everything. You didn't miss a beat and you had a look that could stop me cold in my tracks. Oh how I wish I had inherited that. I wish so many things.
Wishing is not futile however, because I have the certainty that I will see you again. Until that day I'm sure your party in heaven is going to be amazing. Have a great day and know that I love you always.
Love,
Heather
November 28, 2015
Changes come round real soon...
Can you think of nothing? Just sit and shut the mind off. I can't do it. I'm incapable of not thinking. Oh how I wish I could. Tonight we went to my uncle's house for a Thanksgiving dinner. We haven't had Thanksgiving with my mother's side of the family for at least a decade. I took apple salad without the pecans that my grandma put in when she made it. She would sit and chop them by hand with a knife. So many memories.
The hands of time...the entire family dynamic has changed. It looks nothing like it did when I was growing up. It's OK, there is just a slightly different group of people who don't know a lot about each other who gather to and love each other and eat until they are half sick. We ARE an American family even if we are far off from where we once were. Every Sunday of my childhood my entire family would gather at my grandma's for lunch. Now grandma is gone, mom is gone, both aunts are gone, and I have two uncles I know nothing about. This year it was my uncle who was married to my aunt for over twenty years before she died, his new wife, her daughter, his three kids and their families from his previous marriage before my aunt, one of my cousins from my aunt and her kids, my other cousin's daughter who flew in from Florida, and us.
On Thanksgiving we had lunch with my husband's family, then went to see my dad's side of the family. I suppose you could say that we have made the rounds to see the family this year.
We are moving. And by moving I don't mean to just another house in the same general vicinity as where we live now. No, we are moving four states away. While I am excited about our new adventure, I am also completely overwhelmed by logistics and to do lists. I haven't moved in 15 years. I know exactly 7 people in this new state. I know this is going to sound crazy but I'm afraid I will go take a walk once we move and get lost and not know how to get back to the house. Then what? What if I don't remember the address? I can't remember the make of the car I drive half the time and I've had that car for well over a year. This is a move we have dreamed about for ten or so years and didn't know when or how it would ever happen and I'm worried I will get lost if I take a walk. It's ridiculous. I get that.
There is also the part where I am going to miss my job. I love my job so much. It's the best gig if you can get it. Third graders are hilarious. Plus, the people I work with, for the most part, well...they get me. They accept my silliness.
Then there is the friends thing. I mean as I said I know seven people in this new state. I have several friends here. I'm kind of an acquired taste. I mean do they speak sarcasm there? Will they get my movie quotes? Will they accept my singing in church, not in the front but at my seat, even though I am really bad at it? Family is required to love you but strangers not so much.
What of the children? My son is going to go to another school. He is very likable. If he takes up a new sport like lacrosse are there people who will explain to me how that game works? If he makes so many friends he is rarely home, will he remember how to get back to the house? Will my girls ever leave the house?
An example of how I can't just think about nothing:
I am moving, my grandma on my dad's side is in the hospital she is not doing well, I have blood work Monday I have to remember to go take care of, I have a procedure on the eleventh, I need more boxes, I have more Christmas shopping to do but I don't know when to do it, how do you move medical records to a new doctor if you don't have a new doctor yet?, will another school hire me, how can I make this move easiest on my family?, How can we get there in the car without my oldest getting car sick?, How is my aunt doing taking care of everything for my grandma?, Why is she left to take care of everything all the time? It's ridiculous that her siblings don't do more to help her out, they are all retired, she works full time. I wonder if the schools down there hire you full time or part time? I wish mom were here. Speaking of mom, some kids at school call me mama, or ma, or mamacita, how will they do when I leave? Who will love them and take care of them? Will they remember me once I leave? Who will hug the nurse on Thursdays when she comes to school? Who will close the milk cooler at lunch? Who will randomly give the secretary cheesy smiles? Speaking of cheese where to do you go to buy groceries? If I wrote another book, what would I call it?
That was just a small sampling of the things that run through my mind at any given moment.
I don't know how all this works out. All I know is that I'm full of questions but confident there are answers and God holds them all. So if you wouldn't mind so much, I would appreciate your prayers for all of the changes for our family, but mostly for my grandma and my aunt who does the brunt of the work to make sure she is taken care of.
The hands of time...the entire family dynamic has changed. It looks nothing like it did when I was growing up. It's OK, there is just a slightly different group of people who don't know a lot about each other who gather to and love each other and eat until they are half sick. We ARE an American family even if we are far off from where we once were. Every Sunday of my childhood my entire family would gather at my grandma's for lunch. Now grandma is gone, mom is gone, both aunts are gone, and I have two uncles I know nothing about. This year it was my uncle who was married to my aunt for over twenty years before she died, his new wife, her daughter, his three kids and their families from his previous marriage before my aunt, one of my cousins from my aunt and her kids, my other cousin's daughter who flew in from Florida, and us.
On Thanksgiving we had lunch with my husband's family, then went to see my dad's side of the family. I suppose you could say that we have made the rounds to see the family this year.
We are moving. And by moving I don't mean to just another house in the same general vicinity as where we live now. No, we are moving four states away. While I am excited about our new adventure, I am also completely overwhelmed by logistics and to do lists. I haven't moved in 15 years. I know exactly 7 people in this new state. I know this is going to sound crazy but I'm afraid I will go take a walk once we move and get lost and not know how to get back to the house. Then what? What if I don't remember the address? I can't remember the make of the car I drive half the time and I've had that car for well over a year. This is a move we have dreamed about for ten or so years and didn't know when or how it would ever happen and I'm worried I will get lost if I take a walk. It's ridiculous. I get that.
There is also the part where I am going to miss my job. I love my job so much. It's the best gig if you can get it. Third graders are hilarious. Plus, the people I work with, for the most part, well...they get me. They accept my silliness.
Then there is the friends thing. I mean as I said I know seven people in this new state. I have several friends here. I'm kind of an acquired taste. I mean do they speak sarcasm there? Will they get my movie quotes? Will they accept my singing in church, not in the front but at my seat, even though I am really bad at it? Family is required to love you but strangers not so much.
What of the children? My son is going to go to another school. He is very likable. If he takes up a new sport like lacrosse are there people who will explain to me how that game works? If he makes so many friends he is rarely home, will he remember how to get back to the house? Will my girls ever leave the house?
An example of how I can't just think about nothing:
I am moving, my grandma on my dad's side is in the hospital she is not doing well, I have blood work Monday I have to remember to go take care of, I have a procedure on the eleventh, I need more boxes, I have more Christmas shopping to do but I don't know when to do it, how do you move medical records to a new doctor if you don't have a new doctor yet?, will another school hire me, how can I make this move easiest on my family?, How can we get there in the car without my oldest getting car sick?, How is my aunt doing taking care of everything for my grandma?, Why is she left to take care of everything all the time? It's ridiculous that her siblings don't do more to help her out, they are all retired, she works full time. I wonder if the schools down there hire you full time or part time? I wish mom were here. Speaking of mom, some kids at school call me mama, or ma, or mamacita, how will they do when I leave? Who will love them and take care of them? Will they remember me once I leave? Who will hug the nurse on Thursdays when she comes to school? Who will close the milk cooler at lunch? Who will randomly give the secretary cheesy smiles? Speaking of cheese where to do you go to buy groceries? If I wrote another book, what would I call it?
That was just a small sampling of the things that run through my mind at any given moment.
I don't know how all this works out. All I know is that I'm full of questions but confident there are answers and God holds them all. So if you wouldn't mind so much, I would appreciate your prayers for all of the changes for our family, but mostly for my grandma and my aunt who does the brunt of the work to make sure she is taken care of.
October 24, 2015
Don't Die Wonderin', Man
In the car this week my husband and I were talking about changes. Things that have changed and things that for the most part have stayed the same. My husband graduated from college and went to work in his field of study. He has worked in more than one location in the last twenty years but the most recent location has been a fifteen years stint. The man has staying power.
I graduated from college twice with different associate degree then went into the business of planning my wedding. I got married and got pregnant almost immediately after the reception. OK it was a month later but still. It was an "OH so that's where babies come from moment." Protection EVERY time. Got it! I have an associate degree in medical assisting and an associate degree in marketing. To be completely fair while I haven't received a paycheck I have technically been working in my fields of study the entire time. I can kiss boo boos and have garage sales with the best of them.
In the course of the conversation though he said that I was....what was it...a walking news reel? I have done many different jobs. Let's see...I have worked retail, medical assisting at an urgent care facility, I made jewelry and wanted to start my own line, visual at a department store, did in home parties and sold lingerie, bank teller, real estate, worked at two preschools, wrote two books, and currently work at an elementary school which is my longest stint yet with it being four years in a row. I have also worked with five teachers two of them being long term subs and a slew of other subs. In all honesty I never thought too much about it. OH! I almost forgot my stint working at a bridal shop.
I think today I had a breakthrough. My husband was saying that he couldn't change things as easily as I have. I think a great part of that is because I have him. He is very stable and amazingly supportive. He was saying something interesting though. I told him that the reason behind all of that is because I never really figured out what I wanted to be when I grew up. I come up with something or get an idea and I throw my chips in the middle of the table and go for it.
Breakthrough time: I might be a genius. Maybe it's not that I am a flake, maybe it's that ... I have to to do it, I have to quote The Way Way Back here because maybe its a "Don't die wonderin' man" way I'm living my life. I don't want to die wondering what if. Let's be real here. I am not a New York Times best selling author. I make literally about $40 a year in books. I don't have my own line of jewelry and I never sold a single house as a realtor. To be fair though in the greater scheme of things I was only a realtor for about 15 minutes.
Mostly I have been a stay at home mom. I think that is what I am, with a few side projects. A little job here, a little job there to make a little extra money for the family. I work hard when I work and I rest very well when I'm not working at home. I have one kid in college and another one that is getting ready to go in addition to one who is now in junior high. I have a household to run, band concerts and orchestra concerts and pep band games to attend. I have sporting events to attend. I have permission slips to sign, I have birthday parties to plan, I have dinner to prepare, and groceries to buy. I have a house for sale. I have a few things going on and I have always had a few things going on around here. So I suppose I never really thought about any of my jobs and career changes. Now that I think about it though, I guess I still don't. When I feel like making jewelry I make something. When I feel like writing, I write. Maybe I won't get famous or rich but I won't "die wonderin' man."
I graduated from college twice with different associate degree then went into the business of planning my wedding. I got married and got pregnant almost immediately after the reception. OK it was a month later but still. It was an "OH so that's where babies come from moment." Protection EVERY time. Got it! I have an associate degree in medical assisting and an associate degree in marketing. To be completely fair while I haven't received a paycheck I have technically been working in my fields of study the entire time. I can kiss boo boos and have garage sales with the best of them.
In the course of the conversation though he said that I was....what was it...a walking news reel? I have done many different jobs. Let's see...I have worked retail, medical assisting at an urgent care facility, I made jewelry and wanted to start my own line, visual at a department store, did in home parties and sold lingerie, bank teller, real estate, worked at two preschools, wrote two books, and currently work at an elementary school which is my longest stint yet with it being four years in a row. I have also worked with five teachers two of them being long term subs and a slew of other subs. In all honesty I never thought too much about it. OH! I almost forgot my stint working at a bridal shop.
I think today I had a breakthrough. My husband was saying that he couldn't change things as easily as I have. I think a great part of that is because I have him. He is very stable and amazingly supportive. He was saying something interesting though. I told him that the reason behind all of that is because I never really figured out what I wanted to be when I grew up. I come up with something or get an idea and I throw my chips in the middle of the table and go for it.
Breakthrough time: I might be a genius. Maybe it's not that I am a flake, maybe it's that ... I have to to do it, I have to quote The Way Way Back here because maybe its a "Don't die wonderin' man" way I'm living my life. I don't want to die wondering what if. Let's be real here. I am not a New York Times best selling author. I make literally about $40 a year in books. I don't have my own line of jewelry and I never sold a single house as a realtor. To be fair though in the greater scheme of things I was only a realtor for about 15 minutes.
Mostly I have been a stay at home mom. I think that is what I am, with a few side projects. A little job here, a little job there to make a little extra money for the family. I work hard when I work and I rest very well when I'm not working at home. I have one kid in college and another one that is getting ready to go in addition to one who is now in junior high. I have a household to run, band concerts and orchestra concerts and pep band games to attend. I have sporting events to attend. I have permission slips to sign, I have birthday parties to plan, I have dinner to prepare, and groceries to buy. I have a house for sale. I have a few things going on and I have always had a few things going on around here. So I suppose I never really thought about any of my jobs and career changes. Now that I think about it though, I guess I still don't. When I feel like making jewelry I make something. When I feel like writing, I write. Maybe I won't get famous or rich but I won't "die wonderin' man."
October 21, 2015
It Was Yesterday
This morning I woke up before the rest of the family. The house is silent aside from the dryer that I started because the laundry must go on. There was a beautiful sunrise outside the window. We've been so busy this week already that it is nice to enjoy the quiet. We live in a small neighborhood south of a small town that has exactly one stoplight. There are no wild parties here and rarely do you hear a train on the tracks down the road. We know 95% of our neighbors and it is the kind of neighborhood where you can borrow an egg or even a can of soup and everyone is happy to help. People walk their dogs, kids ride their bikes, and the tree in our front yard puts on quite the colorful display in the fall. The tree is named Larry. What? You don't name your trees? We also have a small tree named Oscar. The kids, when they were very small, named them when they were planted.
This has been our home for fifteen years. We have updated the flooring, we have added on, we have had parties here, we have said goodbye to family pets here. As I sit here and look at the life spent here and the for sale sign in the yard I can't help but wonder why it hasn't sold. We brought our third child home to this house. The girls once took crayons and made big giant circles on the walls in the family room, so the entire house has been painted a few times as well. So many memories...
The time got away from me. It was only a moment ago. I'm sure I just blinked. In the span of a blink I went from graduating college to taking not only my first child but my second child on college visits. In the time it took me to turn around they weren't little anymore they were graduating high school and planning their futures. In the space of a moment I went from nursing my son and playing head, shoulders, knees and toes to him being taller than me and almost a teenager. All I did was blink and they weren't babies anymore.
The time is goes so fast and yet so slow. Funny how that works. It seems to take forever to get somewhere and seconds to get back. They couldn't wait to grow up and now they can't go back. There are so many things I should have done with them. In a few short years they will be thrust out into the working world and the only things they know how to make are frozen pizza, mac n cheese, and only one of them can make a baked potato. Will they starve? Is high cholesterol in their future from processed food because they freaked out over raw meat every time I tried to get them to participate in making dinner? Can they survive on those things and lunch meat sandwiches? Does this make me a failure? They were 5 years old and 4 years old and I blinked and they were 19 years old and 18 years old. They were watching Blues Clues now they are watching YouTube.
It was yesterday and a lifetime ago. I'm not sure what happens next week much less next year. All I can do is enjoy the journey. Pay attention to the now while still dreaming of the future. See them as the teenagers they are and not wish it away lest they be 30 tomorrow and I miss it. I can't wait to see God's plan for all of us.
This has been our home for fifteen years. We have updated the flooring, we have added on, we have had parties here, we have said goodbye to family pets here. As I sit here and look at the life spent here and the for sale sign in the yard I can't help but wonder why it hasn't sold. We brought our third child home to this house. The girls once took crayons and made big giant circles on the walls in the family room, so the entire house has been painted a few times as well. So many memories...
The time got away from me. It was only a moment ago. I'm sure I just blinked. In the span of a blink I went from graduating college to taking not only my first child but my second child on college visits. In the time it took me to turn around they weren't little anymore they were graduating high school and planning their futures. In the space of a moment I went from nursing my son and playing head, shoulders, knees and toes to him being taller than me and almost a teenager. All I did was blink and they weren't babies anymore.
The time is goes so fast and yet so slow. Funny how that works. It seems to take forever to get somewhere and seconds to get back. They couldn't wait to grow up and now they can't go back. There are so many things I should have done with them. In a few short years they will be thrust out into the working world and the only things they know how to make are frozen pizza, mac n cheese, and only one of them can make a baked potato. Will they starve? Is high cholesterol in their future from processed food because they freaked out over raw meat every time I tried to get them to participate in making dinner? Can they survive on those things and lunch meat sandwiches? Does this make me a failure? They were 5 years old and 4 years old and I blinked and they were 19 years old and 18 years old. They were watching Blues Clues now they are watching YouTube.
It was yesterday and a lifetime ago. I'm not sure what happens next week much less next year. All I can do is enjoy the journey. Pay attention to the now while still dreaming of the future. See them as the teenagers they are and not wish it away lest they be 30 tomorrow and I miss it. I can't wait to see God's plan for all of us.
September 13, 2015
Love. Is. A. Verb.
Love is a verb. I can't seem to get that phrase out of my head. I haven't been well. Hopefully I will be feeling better soon. Until then, I have to go see yet another doctor and have yet more tests. It's fine and I'm not too concerned, I'm mostly bored and frustrated that I cannot do the things that are part of my every day life. I have no energy. It's annoying.
I have had a lot of time to think. I called my dad to ask him medical history questions. It was an information gathering phone call. The thing with my dad is...he is really busy. He has a wife (not my mother), two step sons, one step daughter, and three step grandchildren. Two of whom he babysits for every week day. He doesn't call. He doesn't visit. He doesn't acknowledge birthdays or Christmas with us anymore. It started as an experiment really. I used to call. Then I realized I always call. Never does my phone ring and it's him. It just doesn't happen. So I thought to myself, I wonder if I don't call, how long it will take before he calls me. The answer is 18 months. Eighteen months until my husband invited him to breakfast. A breakfast in which he said he didn't want to see me if I were going to give him a guilt trip. I called and wished him a happy birthday and a happy father's day in June. I didn't talk to him until I saw him in August when I helped to move my grandmother into an assisted living facility. He was an hour late and he left without saying goodbye. He had a soccer game to get to. I'm not mad. I'm disappointed. So when I called to get medical history information he wanted to know what was wrong. I told him and he seemed concerned in between telling me that he didn't understand and that he would call me and he would try to come see me. It's funny really how empty words can be.
Love is a verb. It requires action. I don't mean big grand gestures. Love is in the everyday. Love is in the three word text. Love is in a phone call. Love is in lunch. Love is a hug. Love is in movie choices. Love is in small gestures. Love can be found anywhere but it requires action. Otherwise it is just a word. A word no more interesting or relevant to anything than the word pepperoni.
I'm prepared to take it a step forward. Let's connect the dots. 1 John 4:8 says, "Whoever does not love does not know God; because God is love." And if we believe that God is love then we have faith in God. And if we have faith in God then action is required. James 2: 14-26 says "What does it profit, my brethren, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can faith save him? If a brother or sister is naked and destitute of daily food, and one of you says to them, "Depart in peace, be warmed and filled," but you do not give them the things which are needed for the body, what does it profit? Thus also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead." Do you see it? Have you connected the dots?
Love is a verb. It's more than a feeling of adoration although it is certainly that as well. It's more than an attraction. It's more than what is seen on a movie screen. It requires action, not empty promises like, "Hey we should get coffee sometime." or "Hey I'll call you." and then you never do. I get it. Life is busy. I am busy when I'm not told I have to rest by medical professionals. Which actually may be part of my problem and why I'm being forced to slow down. It makes sense. I get being busy but without relationships what do we have? Facebook? Facebook is a joke. Don't get me wrong I'm as hooked on that blue icon as anyone but what if we weren't. What if that weren't our only means of communication? You don't like to call? Text. You don't have texting? Stop by. Whatever it is we must have human connection or what are we doing here? What purpose do we serve?
I'm the phone call person. I make the call. If I want to do anything I'm the one who calls. Sometimes people take me up on my offer of a movie or a coffee or lunch, sometimes they don't. But one person cannot be the only person who makes the calls. Eventually someone else has to make a call because the person always making the calls is going to get tired. They are going to get tired and they might just have an awakening. What if I don't make the call? What if I'm they just aren't interested? What if they just don't care? What if I'm just not loved? And who wants that? Whether it is true or not true the devil seeks to destroy. He hates relationships. He wants nothing more than get in there when you are down and make you think things that just aren't true. Frankly if I'm not loved by someone I just don't want to know. I prefer to just love my family and friends blindly. You don't like it? Fine ok, but you cannot change who I am. If you don't want to be a part of my life I can take a hint. Don't talk to me for about 18 months, I will catch on. It won't change my behavior though. Oh I'll leave you alone. But I will most certainly pray for a change. I will pray and I will love until my last breath because love is a verb, and while some things are not in my power to change, I'm the daughter of a king. I serve an awesome God and he is a great dad and a great friend.
Love is a verb. Pepperoni is pepperoni. God doesn't stop being God just because you don't believe or you don't act. Pepperoni doesn't stop being pepperoni just because you don't eat it. The difference is Love requires action. That's it. That's what I've come up with. Months of not writing. Months of waiting for the words to come. This is what I've got. Love one another. Act. Call. Text. Show up. For the love of all that is holy do not let the younger generation think that they are ok just sitting in front of a screen because they can talk to people there. It's just not right. Make the kids go outside to play. Do not let your daughter go on a a date with a boy who asks over a screen. Human interaction. It's a good thing. Pass it on.
I have had a lot of time to think. I called my dad to ask him medical history questions. It was an information gathering phone call. The thing with my dad is...he is really busy. He has a wife (not my mother), two step sons, one step daughter, and three step grandchildren. Two of whom he babysits for every week day. He doesn't call. He doesn't visit. He doesn't acknowledge birthdays or Christmas with us anymore. It started as an experiment really. I used to call. Then I realized I always call. Never does my phone ring and it's him. It just doesn't happen. So I thought to myself, I wonder if I don't call, how long it will take before he calls me. The answer is 18 months. Eighteen months until my husband invited him to breakfast. A breakfast in which he said he didn't want to see me if I were going to give him a guilt trip. I called and wished him a happy birthday and a happy father's day in June. I didn't talk to him until I saw him in August when I helped to move my grandmother into an assisted living facility. He was an hour late and he left without saying goodbye. He had a soccer game to get to. I'm not mad. I'm disappointed. So when I called to get medical history information he wanted to know what was wrong. I told him and he seemed concerned in between telling me that he didn't understand and that he would call me and he would try to come see me. It's funny really how empty words can be.
Love is a verb. It requires action. I don't mean big grand gestures. Love is in the everyday. Love is in the three word text. Love is in a phone call. Love is in lunch. Love is a hug. Love is in movie choices. Love is in small gestures. Love can be found anywhere but it requires action. Otherwise it is just a word. A word no more interesting or relevant to anything than the word pepperoni.
I'm prepared to take it a step forward. Let's connect the dots. 1 John 4:8 says, "Whoever does not love does not know God; because God is love." And if we believe that God is love then we have faith in God. And if we have faith in God then action is required. James 2: 14-26 says "What does it profit, my brethren, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can faith save him? If a brother or sister is naked and destitute of daily food, and one of you says to them, "Depart in peace, be warmed and filled," but you do not give them the things which are needed for the body, what does it profit? Thus also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead." Do you see it? Have you connected the dots?
Love is a verb. It's more than a feeling of adoration although it is certainly that as well. It's more than an attraction. It's more than what is seen on a movie screen. It requires action, not empty promises like, "Hey we should get coffee sometime." or "Hey I'll call you." and then you never do. I get it. Life is busy. I am busy when I'm not told I have to rest by medical professionals. Which actually may be part of my problem and why I'm being forced to slow down. It makes sense. I get being busy but without relationships what do we have? Facebook? Facebook is a joke. Don't get me wrong I'm as hooked on that blue icon as anyone but what if we weren't. What if that weren't our only means of communication? You don't like to call? Text. You don't have texting? Stop by. Whatever it is we must have human connection or what are we doing here? What purpose do we serve?
I'm the phone call person. I make the call. If I want to do anything I'm the one who calls. Sometimes people take me up on my offer of a movie or a coffee or lunch, sometimes they don't. But one person cannot be the only person who makes the calls. Eventually someone else has to make a call because the person always making the calls is going to get tired. They are going to get tired and they might just have an awakening. What if I don't make the call? What if I'm they just aren't interested? What if they just don't care? What if I'm just not loved? And who wants that? Whether it is true or not true the devil seeks to destroy. He hates relationships. He wants nothing more than get in there when you are down and make you think things that just aren't true. Frankly if I'm not loved by someone I just don't want to know. I prefer to just love my family and friends blindly. You don't like it? Fine ok, but you cannot change who I am. If you don't want to be a part of my life I can take a hint. Don't talk to me for about 18 months, I will catch on. It won't change my behavior though. Oh I'll leave you alone. But I will most certainly pray for a change. I will pray and I will love until my last breath because love is a verb, and while some things are not in my power to change, I'm the daughter of a king. I serve an awesome God and he is a great dad and a great friend.
Love is a verb. Pepperoni is pepperoni. God doesn't stop being God just because you don't believe or you don't act. Pepperoni doesn't stop being pepperoni just because you don't eat it. The difference is Love requires action. That's it. That's what I've come up with. Months of not writing. Months of waiting for the words to come. This is what I've got. Love one another. Act. Call. Text. Show up. For the love of all that is holy do not let the younger generation think that they are ok just sitting in front of a screen because they can talk to people there. It's just not right. Make the kids go outside to play. Do not let your daughter go on a a date with a boy who asks over a screen. Human interaction. It's a good thing. Pass it on.
May 10, 2015
A Mother's' Day Letter to My Mom
Dear Mom,
In the Bible it says that to God a day is like a thousand years and a thousand years is like a day. It seems hard to fathom that except on days like today. Today, Mother's Day, I think I can almost catch a glimpse of what that must be like. Can it really be my tenth Mother's Day without you? How is it possible that the earth still rotates around the sun? The passage of time seems to have come and gone in an instant. I can still see you in my mind as clearly today as I could then. If I close my eyes I can see your smile, I can feel your embrace, I can see you sitting at the table with your coffee in front of you chewing on your pinky finger, I can see you driving me in your car and hear you asking me, "What do you want to do now Kong?" It was only a moment ago and yet...
I realize this morning how close we are to July. How in two short months my birthday will be here and my heart will sink. All I will be able to think of is how helpless I felt not being able to help you. How in that instance and so many others, I was reminded that I have no control. I have to relinquish all of it to God and allow him to not only help you but to help me too. How can it be that it will be eleven years since you went home to be with our Lord? Ten years of Mother's Day's come and gone. Eleven years of raising kids come and gone.
So yes, it feels today as though all those years were just a day ago. A moment has passed and you aren't here and my kids are almost grown and you weren't here to witness it. I haven't been able to call you while making dinner. I haven't been able to see you laugh at my struggle with teenage girls. I haven't been able to watch your relationship with them grow as they have grown. All of these things make me sad for what could have been had Cancer not entered our lives.
I feel sad for what might have been, what maybe should have been but then I realize that a moment ago is almost eleven years ago and while you were with God, God was also with me. I may not have my mother here but I am a mother. I'm not alone anymore now than I was when you left. How could I be? This morning my children brought me breakfast in bed, they gave me a card and sang me a song. My husband gave me a short back rub and told me he loved me before going to work. When I go downstairs there will be the "Hallway of Mother's Day" that the children create every year with signs of love and pictures they drew even after all of these years.
It is funny the passage of time. The tears may come later but the healing that God provides is fresh every morning. The writing helps. The thought that even though you aren't here with me that maybe you get the messages I send out into the great unknown void. No you aren't here in flesh but I see you when I look at my middle child. Sometimes I look at her and I see you as you were in pictures as a younger girl. I hear you in the things that my oldest says. I think of you when I see my son and think of how great of a young man he turned out to be and how terrified we both were that I was having a boy. There was nothing to be scared of, of course, he is so much like his dad and you thought he was the best guy ever. I used to joke that you would have traded me for him any day of the week. You would have thought the same of our son.
Your memory surrounds me and they are the good memories. The memories of good times had. The memory of a mother who was always there no matter how tired she was. The memory of a mother who worked hard and instilled a good work ethic that I hope I have passed on to my own children. These are the thoughts of a healing heart. The heart protected by a loving God who knows my hurt. For that I am thankful. I love you mom. I miss you every day. Enjoy your Mother's Day in Heaven. I may not be able to shower you with gifts but I have a feeling that spending your day in paradise with the King of all creation is better than what I could provide. Plus I prayed that He would give you a hug from me. My bases are covered.
Thank you for being my mom, for loving me and my family.
Love,
Heather
In the Bible it says that to God a day is like a thousand years and a thousand years is like a day. It seems hard to fathom that except on days like today. Today, Mother's Day, I think I can almost catch a glimpse of what that must be like. Can it really be my tenth Mother's Day without you? How is it possible that the earth still rotates around the sun? The passage of time seems to have come and gone in an instant. I can still see you in my mind as clearly today as I could then. If I close my eyes I can see your smile, I can feel your embrace, I can see you sitting at the table with your coffee in front of you chewing on your pinky finger, I can see you driving me in your car and hear you asking me, "What do you want to do now Kong?" It was only a moment ago and yet...
I realize this morning how close we are to July. How in two short months my birthday will be here and my heart will sink. All I will be able to think of is how helpless I felt not being able to help you. How in that instance and so many others, I was reminded that I have no control. I have to relinquish all of it to God and allow him to not only help you but to help me too. How can it be that it will be eleven years since you went home to be with our Lord? Ten years of Mother's Day's come and gone. Eleven years of raising kids come and gone.
So yes, it feels today as though all those years were just a day ago. A moment has passed and you aren't here and my kids are almost grown and you weren't here to witness it. I haven't been able to call you while making dinner. I haven't been able to see you laugh at my struggle with teenage girls. I haven't been able to watch your relationship with them grow as they have grown. All of these things make me sad for what could have been had Cancer not entered our lives.
I feel sad for what might have been, what maybe should have been but then I realize that a moment ago is almost eleven years ago and while you were with God, God was also with me. I may not have my mother here but I am a mother. I'm not alone anymore now than I was when you left. How could I be? This morning my children brought me breakfast in bed, they gave me a card and sang me a song. My husband gave me a short back rub and told me he loved me before going to work. When I go downstairs there will be the "Hallway of Mother's Day" that the children create every year with signs of love and pictures they drew even after all of these years.
It is funny the passage of time. The tears may come later but the healing that God provides is fresh every morning. The writing helps. The thought that even though you aren't here with me that maybe you get the messages I send out into the great unknown void. No you aren't here in flesh but I see you when I look at my middle child. Sometimes I look at her and I see you as you were in pictures as a younger girl. I hear you in the things that my oldest says. I think of you when I see my son and think of how great of a young man he turned out to be and how terrified we both were that I was having a boy. There was nothing to be scared of, of course, he is so much like his dad and you thought he was the best guy ever. I used to joke that you would have traded me for him any day of the week. You would have thought the same of our son.
Your memory surrounds me and they are the good memories. The memories of good times had. The memory of a mother who was always there no matter how tired she was. The memory of a mother who worked hard and instilled a good work ethic that I hope I have passed on to my own children. These are the thoughts of a healing heart. The heart protected by a loving God who knows my hurt. For that I am thankful. I love you mom. I miss you every day. Enjoy your Mother's Day in Heaven. I may not be able to shower you with gifts but I have a feeling that spending your day in paradise with the King of all creation is better than what I could provide. Plus I prayed that He would give you a hug from me. My bases are covered.
Thank you for being my mom, for loving me and my family.
Love,
Heather
May 6, 2015
Life is a Roller Coaster/ Twenty years later
It was a beautiful day this day twenty years ago. I had spent the night at my grandparents' house. I had so much to do to get ready and I was full of anticipation. I had to get my hair and my make up done. I had to get dressed and I had to be at the church before anyone else for pictures.
My dress was the dress of fairy tales. Cinderella herself would have been envious of this dress. Off the shoulders with long sleeves, cinched in waist and a full skirt, this dress was exquisite. It was the first one I tried on. I tried on others of course, but I had to have this one. It was perfection in satin and lace.
At the church I was closed up in a room for so long I thought I might wet myself. I had to go and I couldn't leave the room. Potty chairs are useful and when your mother in law is the one to help make that happen, you know you've picked the right family. My shoes were pinching my toes, I was getting overheated, and hungry and all I wanted to do was to see him, to find the one whose eyes could calm me.
I ended up wearing Keds down the aisle that day. The heels only made it for the pictures. When I saw him at the end of the aisle, I knew that nothing else mattered. As long as I didn't pass out from the heat in the most beautiful dress ever made, the adventure, the hills, the valleys, the mountains, and the pits, all of it would be OK. He was there. He wasn't late, He didn't call and cancel. he was like no other man in existence, in my world anyway. He was a shower upper...he still is. He shows up. He shows up for me, he shows up for our kids, he just shows up. I didn't grow up like that. I grew up with cancellations and excuses.
It's not always been perfect, because nothing ever is, but it has always been worth it. In good times and bad, sickness and health, losses too many to count, many bouts of depression, included the one no one thought I'd come back from. There is no one else I would want by my side. Twenty years of doing life with me cannot be easy. All I can say is that it sure hasn't been boring.
I love this man more than the sum of all the stars in the sky. He gave me a family when I wasn't even sure I wanted one. He showed me that sometimes people show up...sometimes whether you like it or not, whether you are worthy or not, whether you believe it or not, people will show up and love you.
Life is a roller coaster and I picked the best partner for the ride. I can't wait to see what the next twenty looks like.
My dress was the dress of fairy tales. Cinderella herself would have been envious of this dress. Off the shoulders with long sleeves, cinched in waist and a full skirt, this dress was exquisite. It was the first one I tried on. I tried on others of course, but I had to have this one. It was perfection in satin and lace.
At the church I was closed up in a room for so long I thought I might wet myself. I had to go and I couldn't leave the room. Potty chairs are useful and when your mother in law is the one to help make that happen, you know you've picked the right family. My shoes were pinching my toes, I was getting overheated, and hungry and all I wanted to do was to see him, to find the one whose eyes could calm me.
I ended up wearing Keds down the aisle that day. The heels only made it for the pictures. When I saw him at the end of the aisle, I knew that nothing else mattered. As long as I didn't pass out from the heat in the most beautiful dress ever made, the adventure, the hills, the valleys, the mountains, and the pits, all of it would be OK. He was there. He wasn't late, He didn't call and cancel. he was like no other man in existence, in my world anyway. He was a shower upper...he still is. He shows up. He shows up for me, he shows up for our kids, he just shows up. I didn't grow up like that. I grew up with cancellations and excuses.
It's not always been perfect, because nothing ever is, but it has always been worth it. In good times and bad, sickness and health, losses too many to count, many bouts of depression, included the one no one thought I'd come back from. There is no one else I would want by my side. Twenty years of doing life with me cannot be easy. All I can say is that it sure hasn't been boring.
I love this man more than the sum of all the stars in the sky. He gave me a family when I wasn't even sure I wanted one. He showed me that sometimes people show up...sometimes whether you like it or not, whether you are worthy or not, whether you believe it or not, people will show up and love you.
Life is a roller coaster and I picked the best partner for the ride. I can't wait to see what the next twenty looks like.
