Michael Barker's Blog
July 3, 2012
An unwanted talent
Anyone who’s aware of my almost supernatural gift for selecting appalling hotels to stay at may wish to put their head in their hands round about now.
So I turned up to this place tonight – stepping over a rather dangerous looking electric saw lying idle at the reception – before being given my room key. In I went, and to be fair, everything one requires for a few hours slumber was there: two beds, sheets, a night table. Just a pity it was all still bagged and boxed, piled up to the ceiling and covered in dust. If I’d fancied spending the night next to flat-packed furniture, I would have had a lie down near the tills at Ikea, I informed the rather forlorn gentleman at reception.
But worry not, he gave me a new room, and stone me if I hadn’t been upgraded from a coffin to a place where I could almost stretch out both arms without touching the two walls. This was the kind of grandeur I could get used to. And the good news just kept on coming – I had my very own window out onto the corridor in front of the bed, my enthusiasm for which was only marginally dampened by the fact there was absolutely nothing in the way of a blind to stop passers by from having a good gawp inside.
No problem, I thought to myself, I’ll take refuge in the bathroom. The receptionist had taken great pride in telling me about the noise-activated lighting system. Not for this hotel a simple light switch! I might marvel at such technology in situations where – I wish I was making this up, but I’m not – I didn’t have to clap every seven seconds to stop the room plunging into complete darkness. Brings an extra edge to singing in the shower, let me tell you.
But enough about all this. I need to get back to constructing a curtain for my window out of flannel-sized towels.
Someone, somewhere is saying “I told you so”.
The Improbable Tale of How I Saved the Universe
So I turned up to this place tonight – stepping over a rather dangerous looking electric saw lying idle at the reception – before being given my room key. In I went, and to be fair, everything one requires for a few hours slumber was there: two beds, sheets, a night table. Just a pity it was all still bagged and boxed, piled up to the ceiling and covered in dust. If I’d fancied spending the night next to flat-packed furniture, I would have had a lie down near the tills at Ikea, I informed the rather forlorn gentleman at reception.
But worry not, he gave me a new room, and stone me if I hadn’t been upgraded from a coffin to a place where I could almost stretch out both arms without touching the two walls. This was the kind of grandeur I could get used to. And the good news just kept on coming – I had my very own window out onto the corridor in front of the bed, my enthusiasm for which was only marginally dampened by the fact there was absolutely nothing in the way of a blind to stop passers by from having a good gawp inside.
No problem, I thought to myself, I’ll take refuge in the bathroom. The receptionist had taken great pride in telling me about the noise-activated lighting system. Not for this hotel a simple light switch! I might marvel at such technology in situations where – I wish I was making this up, but I’m not – I didn’t have to clap every seven seconds to stop the room plunging into complete darkness. Brings an extra edge to singing in the shower, let me tell you.
But enough about all this. I need to get back to constructing a curtain for my window out of flannel-sized towels.
Someone, somewhere is saying “I told you so”.
The Improbable Tale of How I Saved the Universe
June 22, 2012
Tax claims: Like building stairs out of sand, only more frustrating
I couldn't help overhearing the accounts department in our office discussing the frustrations of trying to claim tax credits this week. It reminded me of the writing frenzy I plunged into when I first tried to go through this process some years ago.
So for everyone that's ever wanted to throw their telephones through the wall when going through this process, here's a helpful guide to claiming tax credits:
To calculate your working tax and child tax credit entitlement (this replaces the old working family child tax credits, the baby family fully employed semi-retired credit, and the teenage mutant hero ninja turtle credit), you need to tell us how much you were earning for ten months of the tax year between April 1997 and March 1998. Enter this figure into box d.11. If you cannot remember how much you earned six years ago, beat your hands against your head in frustration.
You need to divide the figure in box d.11 by your average monthly co-efficient for the test period as described in Notes GA 456.2, “How to complete your tax credits.” These notes are neither readily available nor downloadable from our website.
To obtain your co-efficient, take the date of your second pay rise from your first job since leaving school, and look along the row of the week in which this date is entered in the test period table. If you do not know this figure, or it is not in the table, let out a scream of irritation and pace around the room trying to keep your cool.
If you were self-employed but not employed, or if you worked but did not try very hard, you may enter an average figure for the year, providing that the sums are not taken from concurrent weeks or those in which there was a public holiday.
Multiply the figure that you have now calculated by the number of rooms in your house, unless you are in privately rented accommodation, in which case it is acceptable to simply include bedrooms. Add this number to your IQ, and subtract the last three digits from the signature strip on the back of your credit card. Enter this final number in the blue box on page 8.4.
Remember to sign and date the application, and return the form in the envelope provided. You do not need a stamp, though adding one will greatly increase its chances of actually reaching us.
What happens next?
You will receive a letter from us to tell you that we have received your application, but that some of the information is missing or is incorrect. You will then be required to send us certain documents from the past that you no longer have. You will now be seriously considering tearing up the forms and preferring to struggle by on your current income. By the time you obtain new copies of the requested documents, you will need to submit a new application as the first one will have been declared void and your account inactive.
When you do finally get a decision from us, you will need to write to us again to tell us that we have calculated your credit entitlement wrongly, as you now earn an entirely different amount than you did in 1997. Any delay in telling us of these changes could result in you having to repay what we have already awarded you.
Tax credits are paid through your employer, rather than straight to you, so by the time they are set up you will almost certainly have changed jobs or had a pay rise. We will then need to recalculate your entitlement based on your new income.
Appeals
If you do not agree with our decision, or you do not understand it, please call us on 0800-GIMME A BREAK. Calls are free from landlines, through your mobile operator may charge you an extortionate amount, regardless of whether you actually used it or not. If you are not able to communicate fully in English, or the operator who answers is not, you may put a representative on the telephone to talk to us.
However, thanks to the data protection act, we can only talk to the named individual (or someone masquerading as them). Should your representative not do a convincing enough impression of you, we will require you to name your representative in writing. It will take a week for the relevant form to reach you in the post, and then a further two weeks for us to process the authorisation. By the time your representative is authorised to speak to us, you will have forgotten why you phoned in the first place.
Millions of people are now enjoying the benefits of tax credits. Don’t miss out – return your form today!
Michael Barker
So for everyone that's ever wanted to throw their telephones through the wall when going through this process, here's a helpful guide to claiming tax credits:
To calculate your working tax and child tax credit entitlement (this replaces the old working family child tax credits, the baby family fully employed semi-retired credit, and the teenage mutant hero ninja turtle credit), you need to tell us how much you were earning for ten months of the tax year between April 1997 and March 1998. Enter this figure into box d.11. If you cannot remember how much you earned six years ago, beat your hands against your head in frustration.
You need to divide the figure in box d.11 by your average monthly co-efficient for the test period as described in Notes GA 456.2, “How to complete your tax credits.” These notes are neither readily available nor downloadable from our website.
To obtain your co-efficient, take the date of your second pay rise from your first job since leaving school, and look along the row of the week in which this date is entered in the test period table. If you do not know this figure, or it is not in the table, let out a scream of irritation and pace around the room trying to keep your cool.
If you were self-employed but not employed, or if you worked but did not try very hard, you may enter an average figure for the year, providing that the sums are not taken from concurrent weeks or those in which there was a public holiday.
Multiply the figure that you have now calculated by the number of rooms in your house, unless you are in privately rented accommodation, in which case it is acceptable to simply include bedrooms. Add this number to your IQ, and subtract the last three digits from the signature strip on the back of your credit card. Enter this final number in the blue box on page 8.4.
Remember to sign and date the application, and return the form in the envelope provided. You do not need a stamp, though adding one will greatly increase its chances of actually reaching us.
What happens next?
You will receive a letter from us to tell you that we have received your application, but that some of the information is missing or is incorrect. You will then be required to send us certain documents from the past that you no longer have. You will now be seriously considering tearing up the forms and preferring to struggle by on your current income. By the time you obtain new copies of the requested documents, you will need to submit a new application as the first one will have been declared void and your account inactive.
When you do finally get a decision from us, you will need to write to us again to tell us that we have calculated your credit entitlement wrongly, as you now earn an entirely different amount than you did in 1997. Any delay in telling us of these changes could result in you having to repay what we have already awarded you.
Tax credits are paid through your employer, rather than straight to you, so by the time they are set up you will almost certainly have changed jobs or had a pay rise. We will then need to recalculate your entitlement based on your new income.
Appeals
If you do not agree with our decision, or you do not understand it, please call us on 0800-GIMME A BREAK. Calls are free from landlines, through your mobile operator may charge you an extortionate amount, regardless of whether you actually used it or not. If you are not able to communicate fully in English, or the operator who answers is not, you may put a representative on the telephone to talk to us.
However, thanks to the data protection act, we can only talk to the named individual (or someone masquerading as them). Should your representative not do a convincing enough impression of you, we will require you to name your representative in writing. It will take a week for the relevant form to reach you in the post, and then a further two weeks for us to process the authorisation. By the time your representative is authorised to speak to us, you will have forgotten why you phoned in the first place.
Millions of people are now enjoying the benefits of tax credits. Don’t miss out – return your form today!
Michael Barker
