Michelle L. Rusk's Blog, page 18

Keep Looking Up– and Ahead

This is how this morning felt– like there was an endless staircase, only going up, ahead of me. I didn’t really want to run or swim or tackle the long list that awaits me. It’s January and, while I continue to step forward in my life, it’s a lot of work to keep my feet going forward rather than stopping when it feels like this month could be more endless than usual (why can’t it be 28 days like February?).

The losses keep coming– so many deaths, not many from COVID in my life, but from other causes or people who are, well, old and it’s their time to move on. I have the sense that many people aren’t supposed to travel with us in our different world.

We have all changed. The world has changed. I heard a quote yesterday that said, “We have to figure out how to stitch our past to our future.” We have to weave them together without many loved ones, without familiar routines that we miss, and the pieces of our lives we thought would always be there for us. While this virus feels endless, it will end, but everything will not be the same.

We have to find how to make it with this “new” world and “new” life. We need to find our happiness in new things while we’re still grieving all that we have lost. Obviously, seeing how people are struggling to cope, this isn’t an easy task. However, our focus should be on making do with the new rather than continuing to look back at what was and what won’t be again.

We all have choices. We can stay where we are, stuck and unhappy. Or we can grin and bear the discomfort and find a new path ahead of us. What we can’t always see is how great a new path can be. But we must take those first steps to find out.

Staying the Course

Today is the feast day of St. Elizabeth Seton and this reflection I found from Franciscan Media resonated with me:

"She had no extraordinary gifts.She was not a mystic or stigmatic. She did not prophesy or speak in tongues. She had two great devotions: abandonment to the will of God and an ardent love for the Blessed Sacrament. She wrote to a friend, Julia Scott, that she would prefer to exchange the world for a 'cave or a desert.' 'But God has given me a great deal to do, and I have always and hope always to prefer his will to every wish of my own.'"

After several irritations yesterday, I found myself looking for a way to forge myself forward while feeling a bit deflated. When I saw this reflection earlier this morning, I was quickly jolted back to where I need to be, the reminder that I have much to do, that God has much for me to do, and that I can’t let life get me down.

As we begin a new year, a good reminder for all of us. Don’t despair no matter what’s happening around you. Life is too short to get caught up in what keeps us down. After all, some of our greatest joy comes from accomplishing things that we don’t believe we’re capable of doing.

Our Lady of Guadalupe

While I didn’t get to to mention it yesterday on social media, my birthday is really about the Feast Day for Our Lady of Guadalupe.

I had some birthdays along the way that were awful for a variety of reasons. I wasn’t aware of the significance of Guadalupe until I came to New Mexico and slowly found her becoming part of my life. When I’m at church– even in another town or state where there might be a Guadalupe statue (because I travel mostly between New Mexico and California where she is part of the culture), I will light a candle and say a prayer to her.

I always ask her to guide and lead me, to help me with my writing, and to make sure I do the things I’m supposed to do. I believe life has larger, more significant things for me to do and I don’t want to miss them.

The inspiration is coming fast and furious and I’m holding on during the holidays, hoping I can harness it when everything quiets down in January. I’m starting to realize that it’s like Guadalupe is constantly whispering in my ears ideas and bringing me inspiration.

Yesterday, however, the day that we share, was about honoring the last year, the prayers, the inspirations, the accomplishments. While I continue to be inspired, it is important to take that day, that step back, and acknowledge all that’s happened. With her in my life, my birthday has become a more meaningful and spiritual day.

I did that with mass in the morning and a small dinner party with some of the more spiritual people in my life, especially Veronica who is from Mexico and knows more about Guadalupe than I ever will.

Thank you, Guadalupe. I look forward to what we’ll do in the year ahead with you continuing to lead me.

A Season of Giving to Others

I am very careful about what say and how I say it. I know how easily things can be misconstrued because each of us views the world differently.

I have been a little overwhelmed the last few weeks and I have about two weeks ahead of me before it eases up. That said, I want to clarify that a lot of good things are happening and I’m grateful I have events to take Chelle Summer items to sell at and that there are quite a few people glad to see me, have conversations with me, and come to my house for a party.

Still, it’s the season of Advent and this is the time of year when I feel closest to God. I was at the Norbertine Monastery Friday to meet with Fr. Gene for my spiritual direction and telling him that I’ve been struggling a bit with not taking enough time to enjoy the season. I always hear that we should step back during the holidays because it’s about Jesus, not commercialism.

The reality for me is that I have a small window that will shut in January for a few months and it will paralyze my income for a time. I’ve been making so much stuff over the pandemic and I want to share it with the world.

Fr. Gene reminded me that Advent is a season of giving to others and he asked, “Isn’t much of what you do for others?”

“Yes,” I said, thinking about everything I’ve made and the parties I host. “It’s my time to give back to everyone for the year. It’s like the culmination of a year of prayers.”

“You are an instrument of giving to others,” he added.

This brought me so much relief because I had felt that but somewhere inside me I had also doubted it. But what most people don’t know is that I talk to God, to Our Lady of Guadalupe, asking for guidance with my sewing, with my writing. They are part of everything I make that I share with others. I just needed someone to say it to me outside my head (a place that sometimes gets me in trouble!).

I am happy to give to others. I like knowing I’m sharing color, happiness, and inspiration. And I’m looking forward to seeing what next year brings. After a break. Maybe.

My Changing Orbit

This week I’ll begin to send our holiday cards, a rite of the season I enjoy and always have. My list has morphed and changed over the years as people have come in gone in my life, something I don’t like but I understand.

Growing up, I lived in a very transient corporate town where families tended to stay about five years and then the dads were transferred and the families moved on. Sometimes you kept in touch with people, sometimes you didn’t. And sometimes Facebook brought them back into your life (one of the positive things that social media has done).

But as someone who wrote about my sister’s suicide and traveled the world speaking about it, grief, and suicide prevention, I also have had quite a few people come and go from life. They needed to hear my words but sometimes they are ready to move on and unfriend me because they don’t need the reminder or my words or whatever it is I provided them. I have learned to accept that, that I am not always supposed to be part of the long journey of someone’s life.

This year, however, I am very aware of the many losses by death that are shrinking my Christmas card list. These people were usually older (none died from Covid) and if I didn’t have contact with their children, I often didn’t know about their deaths except through the obituaries (if they had one). Just a few days ago I found out someone I knew had died in August when her invitation to my Chelle Summer Holiday Preview was returned for lack of forwarding address. I somehow missed her obituary in August and, while she was 85 and we had a great conversation the spring, I am still sad that she has died.

I remind myself that she is happy– she is with her parents and her husband again. I know that when her husband died, she was sad but she told me she reminded herself that Corky was with God and that made her happy. I know that Sally is with God and she is happy.

Because the list is shrinking and I feel like a chunk of my life, particularly here in Albuquerque is gone (mostly relationships that hover around the time of my first marriage), I’m also grateful for the new friends I have made over the last year or so. The list is shrinking in one place but growing in another.

I also am reminded that there are stories for me to tell– that there was so much I learned and that these people taught me. My hope is that I can take that forward with me as my orbit morphs and changes and I try to go with it.

Letting go...to move forward

My candy thermometer broke last night as I was making a batch of prickly pear hard candy. Well, the truth is I don’t know when it broke. I was working on several things at once in my kitchen and the candy was near the end of my list. I got it started and watched the temperature climb– slowly as it does– and didn’t notice the glass top was missing until I was at 300 degrees and getting ready to pour the candy into the pan to cool.

While this might seem like a silly thing to blog about, the thermometer belonged to my mom and it was the only one I’ve used to make the prickly pear hard candy.

I don’t know why she had one– what she had made so she bought one– and I don’t think I ever used it until I started making prickly pear candy several years ago. I felt a little irritated, knowing I’d have to create another batch because I don’t know if the candy had glass or not, but mostly because that was a connection to Mom.

Yet something else occurred to me– perhaps this letting go was about more than using her candy thermometer. Instead, Mom is saying, “It got you started making the candy, but get a new one. You’re going to be making more candy and you need a new one.”

Many times we get upset that the objects that tie us to our loved ones get ruined, broken, or whatever. Yet those things happen so we can go forward, so we can let go, but mostly so we can let something greater come to us.

Positive Self Talk

When I started running when I was twelve, I had no idea there was a mental side to training. Quite honestly, I thought you pretty much just went out and ran as hard as you could, pushing yourself as much as you could, that it was all about your physical body and nothing else.

But I was lucky to be quickly introduced then and through my teen years to things like self talk and how much running is about telling yourself you can do it, you can push yourself to run faster, longer. And how you learn to let go of whatever else is distracting you, bothering you so that you can keep your focus on the race. It was about learning to let go of everything that had happened at school that day (and/or at home) and “staying the course” as it was often called.

I’ll be honest and say it took me a long time to master these skills and I still haven’t in many ways. However, I do know that I use them daily to push myself to accomplish whatever tasks are ahead of me and to keep me moving forward when sometimes it feels like it would be easier to sleep in, lounge on the couch, to give up.

Last week here in Albuquerque we had wind. Then we had more wind. and yet more wind. One would have thought it was spring with all the wind we had. I woke up at 4:00 am as I usually do and the last thing I wanted to do was go run in that wind. And then swim in the wind (the gym where I swim has an outdoor heated pool).

That’s when the self talk started. First I had to get myself out the door into the cold and wind with Lilly. Then when I returned home, it was Ash’s turn for his run. And, finally, my run without the dogs.

I patted myself on the back but I still had to get myself to the pool.

I always say that I run because I can do it out the front door– if I went to the gym to run I’m not sure I would ever have developed the routine that I have. It’s hard to get in the cold car and drive to the gym. But I kept reminding myself that I could do it, that I had swum in worse conditions. And that when I was done, how happy I’d be that I’d accomplished the full workout in less than ideal conditions.

The wind made the water feel a little cool; I used that as incentive to swim faster. I tried to think of other things to make the time pass and somehow I made it to my 1,150 yards and climbed out of the pool, knowing I could stay inside the rest of the day if I wanted to.

It wasn’t easy, but each time I do this kind of workout, it makes it easier the next time I’m faced with a challenge. I don’t know that any of us ever master positive self talk but I know it’s helped me accomplish a lot more in my life than if I hadn’t had those lessons. I was lucky to have them early.

Self Talk

When I started running when I was twelve, I had no idea there was a mental side to training. Quite honestly, I thought you pretty much just went out and ran as hard as you could, pushing yourself as much as you could, that it was all about your physical body and nothing else.

But I was lucky to be quickly introduced then and through my teen years to things like self talk and how much running is about telling yourself you can do it, you can push yourself to run faster, longer. And how you learn to let go of whatever else is distracting you, bothering you so that you can keep your focus on the race. It was about learning to let go of everything that had happened at school that day (and/or at home) and “staying the course” as it was often called.

I’ll be honest and say it took me a long time to master these skills and I still haven’t in many ways. However, I do know that I use them daily to push myself to accomplish whatever tasks are ahead of me and to keep me moving forward when sometimes it feels like it would be easier to sleep in, lounge on the couch, to give up.

Last week here in Albuquerque we had wind. Then we had more wind. and yet more wind. One would have thought it was spring with all the wind we had. I woke up at 4:00 am as I usually do and the last thing I wanted to do was go run in that wind. And then swim in the wind (the gym where I swim has an outdoor heated pool).

That’s when the self talk started. First I had to get myself out the door into the cold and wind with Lilly. Then when I returned home, it was Ash’s turn for his run. And, finally, my run without the dogs.

I patted myself on the back but I still had to get myself to the pool.

I always say that I run because I can do it out the front door– if I went to the gym to run I’m not sure I would ever have developed the routine that I have. It’s hard to get in the cold car and drive to the gym. But I kept reminding myself that I could do it, that I had swum in worse conditions. And that when I was done, how happy I’d be that I’d accomplished the full workout in less than ideal conditions.

The wind made the water feel a little cool; I used that as incentive to swim faster. I tried to think of other things to make the time pass and somehow I made it to my 1,150 yards and climbed out of the pool, knowing I could stay inside the rest of the day if I wanted to.

It wasn’t easy, but each time I do this kind of workout, it makes it easier the next time I’m faced with a challenge. I don’t know that any of us ever master self talk but I know it’s helped me accomplish a lot more in my life than if I hadn’t had those lessons. I was lucky to have them early.

A Little Bit of Effort Goes a Long Way

More Home

I have my doctorate in family studies and most people don’t know that it’s actually an outgrowth of what was home economics. We tend to think of home economics as a sewing or foods class we took in junior high/high school.

What we don’t think about is the history of home economics– the reasons it began, where world events took it, and where it landed today. That was in the book in the photo- The Secret History of Home Economics.

There are a lot of things I could say about the book– it was very well researched– but for me, it’s really about the continued reminder of the importance of home. And as technology advanced to make doing household chores less cumbersome (to some extent– I still don’t like emptying the dishwasher and folding laundry) and more women joined the workforce, it ultimately morphed into family studies, looking at how we can make families stronger.

For me though, I find the history interesting because I believe home is important. As I reflect back on my own experience with my mom, I see how hard she worked to create as much of a happy home for us (despite all efforts by my dad to squash it with his own unhappiness that kept him drinking). And as I’ve gone to so many estate sales, now realizing I’ve been going to them for almost twenty-five years, I also see that my mom was just like the other moms out there.

They kept the recipe booklets that came from the gas company or they mailed away to Jello for. There was often a stack of towels or sheets in the linen closet to be saved for special occasions that in their eyes never came along and thus were never used. There were bright patterns on the dish towels and the pot holders/hot pads in the kitchen for when they tired of making meals for their family, usually an ungrateful group who didn’t understand what a chore constant dinner creation could be.

While the book delves much deeper than this and while my doctorate isn’t related to cooking and housekeeping in any way, I can only think that because my mom worked so hard on our home, and because my friend Bonnie, who grew up in an “oil patch” family and then married an “oil patch” man, taught me that you need to sow your seeds no matter where you are planted, I’m aware of the importance of making our dwelling as much a happy and comfortable place as we can.

Home is where I work, making my home better is what inspires me, and the history of home– while not always pleasant when one reflects on the racism and sexism– is necessary to acknowledge as we continue to take it forward. It’s still about strengthening family units, however those might be defined (two humans and two dogs at my house). It’s ultimately about how we make our lives better, lessons not always taught in this present world we live in.