Ian Probert's Blog, page 4

Chump Lady is definitely The Biz

She’s blunt. She’s brutal. She’s uncompromising and she takes no prisoners. But I actually LOVE Chumplady (who can be found at https://www.chumplady.com). I genuinely want her to have this old fellow’s babies. They would be beautiful. Spiteful as fuck but beautiful.

I couldn’t resist blogging the following answer that Chumplady gave earlier this month to a fellow chump traveller.

If anyone out there is in the position that I found myself in two years ago then this is the Alka Seltzer for your raging hangover.

Chumplady’s bloody funny, to boot. (BTW: If appropriate substitute ‘he’ for ‘she’.)

Dear It’s Still Just So Unfair,

At some point you’ve got to decide between justice and meh.

I’m telling you, as a survivor of this shit — choose meh.

Meh is my shorthand for acceptance. Take back your power and decide that this person no longer has the power to hurt you. Be grateful he isn’t actively in your orbit hurting you or those you care about. (People who bred with fuckwits have a MUCH harder row to hoe.)

People who have the power to hurt you are people you are invested in. People whose good opinion of you matters. You are no longer invested in him, and know he’s a fraud, so why internalize a bozo’s judgement?

If you get hung up on the injustice — and it is a real injustice — it’s absolutely traumatizing to be chumped — you will be tethered to a situation you don’t control. A powerlessness that feels a lot like being partnered with a fuckwit, really.

You don’t control justice, unless you mean revenge, which I discourage. And I’m not waving that off lightly. As I’ve written here before, I am peace, love and granola, but I had vivid fantasies of gutting my cheater with a fish knife. Stem to stern.

But why would I throw my life away for a fuckwit? Why should you? Their punishment is being them. People don’t have character transplants. Their crappy character and shit life skills follow them forever. Leave it to the laws of natural consequences — the arc can be LONG, but it’s there.

Focus on what you DO control — you. Meh is something you can strive for and achieve. Karma for fuckwits, not so much.

I don’t know if you ever truly feel indifferent about being chumped (says the woman who’s been writing a blog about infidelity for 8 years…) but you can accept that it happened, and you can rise above it. That’s a battle worth waging — gaining the new life. Meh just creeps up on you over time, as the new life eclipses the old life.

Read here awhile and thank your lucky stars that you don’t have deeper sunk costs. A $600 shrink bill is galling. Try 20 years and two kids. Try being a 50-year-old SAHM trying to re-enter the workplace. Or a man who had to paternity test his children. It’s not the Pain Olympics, but some perspective helps.

Alan Minter

This is a little piece I wrote last week for Boxing News. I was very honoured to do so. Alan Minter was the first boxer I ever met. I was a 17-year-old wine waiter and he was drinking the wine. Our paths crossed a few times over the years. I liked him a lot. He was a very, very nice man.

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Bloody hell… I wrote a poem!

Have no memory whatsoever of writing this. I did it five years ago apparently. Obviously wasn’t in the greatest of moods that day. I think it’s only the second poem I’ve ever written in my life. So I thought I’d re-blog it.

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This is the world we live in

This is the world we live in:
Where people live and people die,
Where people fuck and people cry,
Where people walk and drive and fly,
And don’t know where or when or why,
This is the world we live in.

This is the world we’re lost in:
Where God is love and God is hate,
Depending on which town or state,
Or street where you originate,
For that is where they seal your fate,
And point you down the road you take,
This is the world we’re lost in.

This is the place we hope in:
Where bombs explode and all the while,
You go to work and try to smile,
And wonder why they want you dead,
Perhaps it’s something that you said?
More likely those who use your name,
To do their deeds and play their game,
Whichever case, it ends the same,
It’s you who is the one to blame,
This is place we hope in.

This is the place we love in:
Where people starve to death in pain,
And children die before they’re named,
For want of but a fist of rice,
That rains down on the bride,
So nice…
…to see that they are having fun,
Lives just beginning, others’ done,
This is the place we love in.

This is the land we dream in:
Where those who have are given more,
And those without are shown the door,
Where rich stay rich, and poor stay poor,
And live their lives below the law,
And kill and rob and maim and whore,
To raise themselves above the floor,
And crane their necks towards the sky,
But never know the reason why,
This is the world we dream in.

This is the land of freedom:
Where actions cost but talk is cheap,
About a megabyte a week,
Is all you need to squawk and Tweet,
And with that you can wipe your feet,
Of all the prayers you should be praying,
The info you should be relaying,
The demons that you should be slaying,
(Only saying…)
This is the land of freedom.

This is the world we live in:
A land of plenty for the few,
The rest of us must just make do,
And try our best to make it through,
This is the world we live in.

RIP Alan Minter

So sad to hear of the death of one or my heroes Alan Minter. I first met him in 1979 when I was a 17-year-old wine waiter. The last time I saw him was in 2018, when I wrote this article for Boing News.

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Latest watercolour

Haven’t been able (or bothered) to paint for a while but did this the other day. It started out as just a drawing. Adding colour was an afterthought.

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Tyson Fury article for Boxing News

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Can any nice people out there please help my daughter Sofia?

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My sixteen-year-old-daughter, Sofia, is hoping to raise money so that she can travel to Uganda in the summer to help deprived people living there.

Working with the charity The Great Generation her ambition is to supply underprivileged Ugandans with books, female hygiene products, building materials and essential educational resources.

Sofia has never done anything like this before in her life and I am extremely proud of her for wanting to make a difference in this way.

Below is a link to her Wonderful crowdfunding campaign. I would be so grateful if you could make a small financial contribution or, alternatively, share, retweet or reblog this appeal.

Many thanks,

Ian

https://www.wonderful.org/fundraiser/thegreatgenerationugandaexpedition2020-8987bc4e

Why do cheaters get married?

For the second time I’m referencing the totally brilliant https://www.chumplady.com. If, like me, you discover that your long-term life partner was in reality a cheating, lying, manipulative adulterer her website is an absolute godsend.

Likewise, her brilliant book Leave a Cheater, Gain a life is a must read if you are in need of strength during those all too frequent occasions when you find yourself at a low ebb.

Tracy Schorn is my kind of writer: eloquent, pithy and bullshit eradicating.

Here’s a link. Buy it now:

Here’s Chump Lady’s typically forthright response to a letter received from a fellow ‘Chump’.

Dear Chump Lady,

Why do serial cheaters get married? I really don’t understand this. I’ve been married four years and recently found out that my husband has been cheating on me with the same “ex-girlfriend” off and on since we met. I suspect now there were others too. And no, I had NO idea. (And yes, I feel like the biggest idiot ever.)

What I can’t puzzle out is, in this brave new world of Google and Craigslist — couldn’t he have found another swinger? Someone okay with open marriage? Isn’t there yet a dating site devoted to the polyamorous? He clearly knows he can’t be monogomous. Hell, why not marry the girlfriend? She’s clearly okay with being a side dish fuck. 

Why did he MARRY ME? What does marriage mean to someone like him? What was the point?!

Signed,

This Sucks

Dear Sucks,

Because you are of USE to him.

That’s pretty much it. I puzzled on that a long time too. My ex-husband was cheating from day 1 as well.

Serial cheaters like your husband and my ex like cake. They like deceit. It makes them feel powerful. As you said, it’s a big world with Google — they could find a fellow swinger to forge an “understanding” with. They could stay single. But no, they CHOOSE to marry someone, feign monogamy, and fuck around. So it’s the power imbalance that they’re after. Only THEY can fuck around — not you. You get to be in the dark. They like it like that.

Meanwhile, you jump through hoops to please them and never quite get more than a C+ for your efforts — work harder! But they need you to be the Respectable Face of Marriage. You are of use. You make them look good. Maybe you’ve got money, good looks, connections. Whatever. You’ve got something they need. People like this need to appear normal so they can dupe other people. They get a high from deceit. And to deceive people you need concealment. Hey, Bob’s married. Bob must be normal. His wife is sooo nice. Ergo Bob must be nice. (Codependents who marry guys like Bob tend to be very nice. Bobs pick nice. Nice makes a good mark.)

Cake eating, serial cheaters think they deserve all the ego kibbles they want. Because they believe they are better than you. More deserving. More kibbles for them! None for you!

Please dump this guy if you haven’t already and find a fellow nice person. It’s the best way, in my opinion, of detoxing yourself from the Bobs of this world. Find a Paul. A nice man, for whom monogamy and devotion is not a 12-step program. Who reciprocates. Who is authentic. Pauls are not as sparkly as Bobs. But that’s a good thing.

I’m sorry this happened to you. Four years of your life is a lot to lose to an idiot. You know, Tennessee Williams always took four years off his age for the four years he worked in a shoe factory before he became a famous playwright. Consider Bob your shoe factory and subtract.

Excerpt from Tracy Schorn’s excellent book

“I love you but I’m not in love with you.

A classic. Translated, it means—“I did unloving things, but telling you ‘I love you’ makes me feel better about them.” I love you but I’m not in love with you is simply impression management.

It has nothing to do with you, chumps. This is about maintaining the cheater’s self-image. And it softens the blow. Hey, you wouldn’t impose consequences on someone who loves you, would you? Cheaters think they’re letting you down gently.

Cheater love is a compartmentalized kind of love—“I love you, but I put that aside while I was fucking someone else.” The two things aren’t at all connected. Why should “love” get in the way of a good time?

Chumps naively assume that people who love us act like they love us. Cheaters subvert that assumption and turn it back on chumps. “But I’m not in love with you” is a subtle blameshift. “I don’t feel giddy and effervescent. I need sparkles. Alas, if you had only twinkled more brightly, perhaps it would not have come to this.” It’s so disappointing the way you’ve let them down. What can you do to make it up to them? “I love you but I’m not in love with you” is your cue to perform the pick-me dance. You may be dumped anyway for the affair partner, but some parting kibbles would be nice.

The subtle mindfuck of “I love you but I’m not in love with you” is that it’s not definitive. It’s pure cake speak. Cheaters aren’t saying, “Hey, I love someone else. It’s over. I’m sorry.” No, there is an opening—they love you. Just not in that way.

To a cheater “I’m not in love with you” is justification for casting about and loving someone else. So which came first? The falling out of love or the permission they gave themselves to cast about?

Your response: Chumps, don’t try to parse with cheaters which parts of you they love or what their butterflies are saying to them today—state what you need.

“I need to be in a relationship where I am fully loved and respected. You don’t love me the way I deserve to be loved. Buh-bye.” Don’t ask yourself what you did to be so unlovable. Don’t dance the pick-me dance. Just let go. I’m sure the butterflies will be migrating again soon.”

Excerpt From: Tracy Schorn. “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life”.

Link to Tracy’s excellent web site: https://www.chumplady.com

Excerpt from Tracy Schorn's excellent book

“I love you but I’m not in love with you.

A classic. Translated, it means—“I did unloving things, but telling you ‘I love you’ makes me feel better about them.” I love you but I’m not in love with you is simply impression management.

It has nothing to do with you, chumps. This is about maintaining the cheater’s self-image. And it softens the blow. Hey, you wouldn’t impose consequences on someone who loves you, would you? Cheaters think they’re letting you down gently.

Cheater love is a compartmentalized kind of love—“I love you, but I put that aside while I was fucking someone else.” The two things aren’t at all connected. Why should “love” get in the way of a good time?

Chumps naively assume that people who love us act like they love us. Cheaters subvert that assumption and turn it back on chumps. “But I’m not in love with you” is a subtle blameshift. “I don’t feel giddy and effervescent. I need sparkles. Alas, if you had only twinkled more brightly, perhaps it would not have come to this.” It’s so disappointing the way you’ve let them down. What can you do to make it up to them? “I love you but I’m not in love with you” is your cue to perform the pick-me dance. You may be dumped anyway for the affair partner, but some parting kibbles would be nice.

The subtle mindfuck of “I love you but I’m not in love with you” is that it’s not definitive. It’s pure cake speak. Cheaters aren’t saying, “Hey, I love someone else. It’s over. I’m sorry.” No, there is an opening—they love you. Just not in that way.

To a cheater “I’m not in love with you” is justification for casting about and loving someone else. So which came first? The falling out of love or the permission they gave themselves to cast about?

Your response: Chumps, don’t try to parse with cheaters which parts of you they love or what their butterflies are saying to them today—state what you need.

“I need to be in a relationship where I am fully loved and respected. You don’t love me the way I deserve to be loved. Buh-bye.” Don’t ask yourself what you did to be so unlovable. Don’t dance the pick-me dance. Just let go. I’m sure the butterflies will be migrating again soon.”

Excerpt From: Tracy Schorn. “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life”.

Link to Tracy’s excellent web site: https://www.chumplady.com