Ian Probert's Blog, page 2

Do not try to win back a cheating partner

This is a very old piece from the excellent Chumplady site. I’m posting this link because it’s the site’s 10-year anniversary and this essential source of information needs to be celebrated.

In a nutshell: if you’re in the unhappy position of finding that your partner has been cheating on you this is an essential read. I cannot recommend it highly enough.

The Humiliating Dance of ‘Pick Me’!

For Kate to read

Put this up just for Kate to read. So don’t bother reading it if you’re not Kate.

Prologue

For anyone out there interested (and I’m not entirely sure that even I’m that interested) I visited my therapist for the second time this week. (Although I don’t know why I’m calling her ‘my’ therapist; she certainly doesn’t belong to me.)

Once again I didn’t learn very much from her (does one go to therapists to learn stuff?) except for one very small, minor thing: I’m really not very good at going to therapists.

Being someone who is pathologically punctual (she said we’d address this issue at some point in the future if we had time) I was early. She was late. And all of this set my mind off, not necessarily into a panic, but it got me to thinking as I sat there in a shabby NHS waiting room next to real sick people. Why was she late? Was it my fault or was it hers? Last time I saw her she had told me to wait in a specific location at 10:00 am sharp and she would be there to meet me. Had she not shown up because I hadn’t announced my arrival at reception? Yes that was probably it.

I waited until 10:05 and with still no sign of her I decided to be proactive. I would go and look for her.

I’d only been there once before but somehow my radar managed to find her office in the subterranean rabbit warren of identical rooms. But as I went to tentatively knock on her door it suddenly sprang open, leaving us standing face to face. If I hadn’t been paying attention and able to stop myself it’s highly likely that I could have ended up punching her on the nose three times. I don’t know what Freud says about hitting therapists. He probably wouldn’t encourage it.

There was a shocked silence. It was as if by coming to look for my tardy therapist (she’s not mine, by the way) I had broken some kind of fundamental brain-malaise house rule. She looked at me for several long moments, like a granny eyeballing a mugger, and then she sort of said something like: ‘Oh…’. I couldn’t be sure. She’s got a very strong Chinese accent.

I broke the awkward silence by apologising for being early and for her being late. I told that there was nothing suspicious about my coming to look for her. Really there wasn’t. I was quite normal actually and I was going to try and prove it. Then she asked me to go away and sit back in the waiting room which I said I would but didn’t because – let’s face it – who likes waiting in waiting rooms? Instead I loitered on the stairs outside her office. If I was still smoking I would have lit up a fag. 

All of this meant that a few minutes later when she came to collect me from the waiting room I wasn’t there, I was standing on the stairs. And once again there was an awkward silence as she blundered into me, almost falling over in the process, and gave me another shocked look and another ‘oh’. 

It wasn’t going well.

We went into her office and I politely asked if I could take a seat. She gave me a shrug, which I quickly translated as meaning ‘why are you asking me if you can sit down you moron? What a ridiculous question…’ Or perhaps she thought I was actually going to take a seat, pick it up and exit the building with it under my arm. I apologised for being polite and her silence seemed to indicate that there was obviously something uniquely absurd about somebody being polite. I told her I was always polite on account of being well brought up. And as the words left my lips I couldn’t help but wonder that if I was so well brought up why, at the age of 53, was I seeing a therapist about my nasty and abusive recently deceased father? Then I apologised for apologising.

There was a silence. Then another silence. And then, finally, the silence was broken by a further period of silence.

We stared into each others eyes. It was very intimate. One of those occasions when you know that if you break the stare the other person has won.

She won. I looked down at my feet and then gathered my senses for another bout of protracted staring. I’d get the bitch this time. Then she finally spoke: ‘What would you like to talk about?’ she asked.

What would I like to talk about? ‘Nothing,’ I replied. 

Of course I don’t want to talk about anything, I explained. Why would I? I’ve only met you once before and you’re expecting me to launch into ‘when-I-was-a-kid-my-dad-was-horrid-to-me’ mode. When I talked intimately, I explained, it was usually with someone whom I knew intimately. Or there was alcohol involved. Perhaps, I suggested, we could both retire to the nearest boozer and after three or four pints of Guinness I’d talk about anything she wanted. Liberally. Honestly. Candidly. And in comfort. 

She demurred. Then it was back to the silence. And the staring match.

I talked about Chinese people. It seemed somehow appropriate. Of how I’ve actually known very few of them in my life. And of how their seemingly innate impassivity always made me feel clumsy and unsophisticated around them. She didn’t offer any reaction to my observations but simply continued staring deep into my eyes. Didn’t the woman ever blink?

I talked about my illness. About being an undiagnosed hyperthyroid disease sufferer for several decades and how it fucked up my life in so many ways. I spoke about this at length, as I’m prone to do. I even managed to bore myself. And finally she showed a reaction. She frowned and in so many words told me to stop ‘telling stories’ about myself and instead try to articulate my real feelings. She said that my illness was undoubtably a direct result of my childhood.

Now it was my turn to frown: such a comment seemed to me like a monumentally simplistic cliché. But I didn’t get time to tell her this because instead I was launching into a description of Phatic Communion – a form of communication in which words were used not to transmit information but to fill empty spaces. She said she’d never heard of it but that I was doing it now. Of course I was, I agreed. Of course I was.

I told her a few jokes, which she didn’t find funny. I told her the same jokes, slower this time, having decided that I was talking too fast for her the first time. They still weren’t funny. Fortunately, I was not paying for any of this. David Cameron was.

And then for some reason I accidentally on purpose started talking about boxing. About how I used to be involved in the sport. About how I once wrote about it for newspapers and edited magazines about it. About how a friend was injured during a fight and this led me withdraw from the sport and write a book about why I was never going to write about boxing again. I do this a lot. I seem to slip boxing into the conversation more than is healthy or coincidental.

‘It seems to excite you,’ she announced. ‘Why don’t you write about it again?’

‘Don’t be silly,’ I replied. ‘I haven’t done that for…For… For over 25 years…’

And then the silence returned with a vengeance

When she wasn’t staring at me she was staring at the clock on the wall, whose fingers stubbornly refused to move and then abruptly decided to hurtle around the clock face at supersonic speed. And all of a sudden, just as I was getting around to telling her about how my father never allowed me to have friends as a child, it was over before it had begun. An object lesson in how to waste an hour of your life in the most unenjoyable, awkward way imaginable.

I got to my feet and held out my hand. Once again she looked appalled. In therapist world shaking hands was obviously another monumental faux pas. I apologised for attempting to shake her hand, telling her it was because I was well brought up.

Then I apologised for apologising. Better luck next time, I thought, as I headed for the pub and the pint of cold, frothy Guinness that awaited my arrival

Three hours later another therapist was listening patiently to my life story, gently pouring me placative pints and offering me the occasional sachet of Nobby’s Nuts.

This is how you can send spam emails denouncing the war to Russians

This is the address you need to go to in order to send spam emails denouncing the war to 100s of Russians.

Just follow the instructions on the site.

https://mail2ru.org

5 things you need when leaving a cheater

5 Things You Need When Leaving a Cheater

Sue Gray Report

INVESTIGATION INTO ALLEGED GATHERINGS ON GOVERNMENT PREMISES DURING COVID RESTRICTIONS – UPDATE

31 January 2022 This page intentionally blank

2 INVESTIGATION INTO ALLEGED GATHERINGS ON GOVERNMENT PREMISES DURING COVID RESTRICTIONS – UPDATE

On 8 December 2021 the Prime Minister asked the Cabinet Secretary to carry out an investigation into allegations reported in the media relating to gatherings in No10 Downing Street and the Department for Education during November and December 2020.On 17 December 2021 the Cabinet Secretary recused himself from the investigation as a result of allegations concerning an online quiz held by his private office in the Cabinet Office on 17 December 2020 in 70 Whitehall. It was at this point that I was asked to lead this work.The terms of reference for the investigation were published on 9 December 2021 (Annex A). The primary purpose of the investigation was to establish a general understanding of the nature of the gatherings including: attendance, the setting and the purpose, with reference to adherence to the guidance in place at the time.Where there were credible allegations relating to other gatherings these could also be investigated.In line with those terms of reference the following events were in scope:

• 15 May 2020; a photograph showing a number of groups in the garden of No 10 Downing Street;

• 20 May 2020: a gathering in the garden of No 10 Downing Street for No 10 staff;

• 18 June 2020: a gathering in the Cabinet Office, 70 Whitehall on the departure of a No 10 private secretary;

• 19 June 2020: a gathering in the Cabinet room in No 10 Downing Street on the Prime Minister’s birthday;

• 13 November 2020:

o o

a gathering in the No 10 Downing Street flat; a gathering in No 10 Downing Street on the departure of a special adviser;

• 27 November 2020: a gathering in No 10 Downing Street on the departure of a special adviser;

• 10 December 2020: a gathering in the Department for Education ahead of the Christmas break;

• 15 December 2020: a gathering in No 10 Downing Street for an online Christmas quiz;

3 • 17 December 2020:

o a gathering in Cabinet Office, 70 Whitehall to hold an online Christmas quiz for the Cabinet Secretary’s private office; o a gathering in Cabinet Office, 70 Whitehall on the departure of a senior Cabinet Office official; o a gathering in No 10 Downing Street on the departure of a No 10 official; • 18 December 2020: a gathering in No 10 Downing Street ahead of the Christmas break;

• 14 January 2021; a gathering in No 10 Downing Street on the departure of two No 10 private secretaries;

• 16 April 2021;

o o

A gathering in No 10 Downing Street on the departure of a senior No 10 official; A gathering in No 10 Downing Street on the departure of another No 10 official.

Methodology

There has been widespread public interest in, and concern about, a number of gatherings taking place in No 10 Downing Street and Whitehall during periods of national Covid restrictions, where their necessity for work purposes has been open to question. My task has been to establish, as far as possible, the facts surrounding these gatherings.In carrying out my investigation I have been supported by a small team of senior civil servants in the Cabinet Office, who have no connection with the events under examination and who are bound by the requirements of the Civil Service Code. We carried out interviews of over 70 individuals, some more than once, and examined relevant documentary and digital information, such as emails; Whatsapp messages; text messages; photographs and building entry and exit logs. This has also included searches of official records. As such, extensive substantive factual information is now available and has been compiled by me and my team to fulfil my obligation to establish the facts. The investigative work is now essentially complete.The Treasury Solicitor and Daniel Stilitz QC have provided independent advice as to the process.It is not for me to make a judgment on whether the criminal law has been broken; that is properly a matter for law enforcement. In line with my terms of reference I have been in regular contact with the Metropolitan Police as my work has progressed in order for them to take decisions on the gatherings under examination, including whether to launch their own investigation.

4 10. The Metropolitan Police has now confirmed that as a result of information provided by the Cabinet Office investigation team, as well as assessments made by Metropolitan Police officers, they are investigating the events on the dates set out above with the exception of the gatherings on:

• 15 May 2020

• 27 November 2020

• 10 December 2020

• 15 December 2020

The police have confirmed that on the basis of the information available the gatherings on these four dates are not considered to have reached the threshold for criminal investigation.No conclusions should be drawn, or inferences made from this other than it is now for the police to consider the relevant material in relation to those incidents. The police have also said this does not in itself mean that they will decide to take further action or that there has necessarily been a breach of the regulations.At the request of the police I have provided the material compiled in the course of my investigation relevant to the gatherings that they are now investigating. I have also been asked to retain all the other information collected in the course of this work, which I have confirmed that I will do. I will therefore ensure the secure storage and safekeeping of all the information gathered until such time as it may be required further. I will not be circulating the information internally within government, it has been provided in confidence to the Cabinet Office investigation team and it is important that this confidence is maintained to protect the integrity of the process.As a result of the Metropolitan Police’s investigations, and so as not to prejudice the police investigative process, they have told me that it would only be appropriate to make minimal reference to the gatherings on the dates they are investigating. Unfortunately, this necessarily means that I am extremely limited in what I can say about those events and it is not possible at present to provide a meaningful report setting out and analysing the extensive factual information I have been able to gather.In respect of the gatherings that the Metropolitan Police has assessed as not reaching the threshold for criminal investigation; they have not requested any limitations be placed on the description of those events, however, I have decided not to publish factual accounts in relation to those four dates. I do not feel that I am able to do so without detriment to the overall balance of the findings.More generally, I did consider whether it would be better to pause, as provided for in the terms of reference, and wait until the conclusion of the police investigation before publishing anything. However, given the widespread public interest in, and concern about, these matters, and to avoid further delay, I am providing an update on the investigation and I am setting out some general findings now. I have not made comment on whether individual gatherings were in line with the relevant

5 guidance and regulations in place at the time. I did not judge it appropriate to do so given the police investigation that is now underway.

Context

The outbreak and spread of SARs Covid-19 represented a global public health crisis without parallel in living memory. In the United Kingdom it had a seismic impact on every aspect of life in the country. In response, to help control the spread of the virus and to keep the most vulnerable safe, the UK Government put in place far reaching restrictions on citizens that had direct and material impact on their lives, livelihood and liberties.From 26 March 2020 the law in England required everyone to remain in their homes unless certain, very limited exemptions applied. Restrictions were temporarily eased over the summer period in 2020 until most remaining national restrictions were removed on 4 July 2020. Restrictions were then reintroduced in gradations in the autumn culminating in the UK Government announcing from 5 November 2020 restrictions on movements and gatherings in England, essentially requiring people to stay at home. Restrictions on gatherings of two or more people applied in London through December 2020 and the first months of 2021. Indoor mixing of two or more households was not permitted again until 17 May 2021. A chronology of the main changes is at Annex B.In line with those rules the vast majority of staff in Government Departments worked from home. The Civil Service, along with the rest of the public sector, went to great lengths to reconfigure the provision and delivery of public services and support for businesses almost overnight. Many private sector businesses and other organisations, large and small, all over the UK, were also working hard to deal with the pandemic both in terms of managing their businesses, their livelihoods and those of their employees, as well as providing vital support to the national effort to respond to the virus.A small number of Government officials and special advisers, because of the nature of their jobs directly supporting the Prime Minister and other Ministers, continued to attend their offices for the purposes of work, as permitted by an exemption under the regulations.In particular, No 10 Downing Street and the Cabinet Office were at the centre of the Government’s response to the pandemic. Tight knit groups of officials and advisers worked long hours under difficult conditions in buildings that could not be easily adapted as Covid secure workplaces. No 10 Downing Street and the Cabinet Office in 70 Whitehall are closely interconnected, with staff moving regularly between the two buildings as part of their daily work. The Prime Minister’s flat and the Downing Street garden are in close proximity to the offices and serve a dual office and private purpose.Those challenges, however, also applied to key and frontline workers across the country who were working under equally, if not more, demanding conditions, often at risk to their own health. It is important to remember the stringency of the public

6 health regulations in force in England over the relevant periods and that criminal sanctions were applied to many found to be in breach of them. The hardship under which citizens across the country worked, lived and sadly even died while observing the Government’s regulations and guidance rigorously are known only too well.

Every citizen has been impacted by the pandemic. Everyone has made personal sacrifices, some the most profound, having been unable to see loved ones in their last moments or care for vulnerable family and friends.

It is with that context in mind that I make the following general limited findings.

General findings

i. Against the backdrop of the pandemic, when the Government was asking citizens to accept far-reaching restrictions on their lives, some of the behaviour surrounding these gatherings is difficult to justify.

ii. At least some of the gatherings in question represent a serious failure to observe not just the high standards expected of those working at the heart of Government but also of the standards expected of the entire British population at the time.

iii. At times it seems there was too little thought given to what was happening across the country in considering the appropriateness of some of these gatherings, the risks they presented to public health and how they might appear to the public. There were failures of leadership and judgment by different parts of No 10 and the Cabinet Office at different times. Some of the events should not have been allowed to take place. Other events should not have been allowed to develop as they did.

iv. The excessive consumption of alcohol is not appropriate in a professional workplace at any time. Steps must be taken to ensure that every Government Department has a clear and robust policy in place covering the consumption of alcohol in the workplace.

v. The use of the garden at No 10 Downing Street should be primarily for the Prime Minister and the private residents of No 10 and No 11 Downing Street. During the pandemic it was often used as an extension of the workplace as a more covid secure means of holding group meetings in a ventilated space. This was a sensible measure that staff appreciated, but the garden was also used for gatherings without clear authorisation or oversight. This was not appropriate. Any official access to the space, including for meetings, should be by invitation only and in a controlled environment.

vi. Some staff wanted to raise concerns about behaviours they witnessed at work but at times felt unable to do so. No member of staff should feel unable to report or challenge poor conduct where they witness it. There should be easier ways

7 for staff to raise such concerns informally, outside of the line management chain.

vii. The number of staff working in No 10 Downing Street has steadily increased in recent years. In terms of size, scale and range of responsibility it is now more akin to a small Government Department than purely a dedicated Prime Minister’s office. The structures that support the smooth operation of Downing Street, however, have not evolved sufficiently to meet the demands of this expansion. The leadership structures are fragmented and complicated and this has sometimes led to the blurring of lines of accountability. Too much responsibility and expectation is placed on the senior official whose principal function is the direct support of the Prime Minister. This should be addressed as a matter of priority.

Conclusion

The gatherings within the scope of this investigation are spread over a 20-month period – a period that has been unique in recent times in terms of the complexity and breadth of the demands on public servants and indeed the general public. The whole of the country rose to the challenge. Ministers, special advisers and the Civil Service, of which I am proud to be a part, were a key and dedicated part of that national effort. However, as I have noted, a number of these gatherings should not have been allowed to take place or to develop in the way that they did. There is significant learning to be drawn from these events which must be addressed immediately across Government. This does not need to wait for the police investigations to be concluded.

8 ANNEX A: Terms of Reference: Investigations into staff gatherings in No10

Downing Street and the Department for Education

The Prime Minister has asked the Cabinet Secretary to carry out investigations into:

● allegations made of a gathering in No10 Downing Street on 27 November 2020;

● a gathering at the Department for Education on 10 December 2020; and

● allegations made of a gathering in No10 Downing Street on 18 December 2020.

Where there are credible allegations relating to other gatherings, these may be investigated.

The primary purpose will be to establish swiftly a general understanding of the nature of the gatherings, including attendance, the setting and the purpose, with reference to adherence to the guidance in place at the time.

If required, the investigations will establish whether individual disciplinary action is warranted.

The work will be undertaken by officials in the Cabinet Office at the direction of the Cabinet Secretary, with support from the Government Legal Department.

The team will have access to all relevant records, and be able to speak to members of staff.

As with all internal investigations, if during the course of the work any evidence emerges of behaviour that is potentially a criminal offence, the matter will be referred to the police and the Cabinet Office’s work may be paused. Matters relating to adherence to the law are properly for the police to investigate and the Cabinet Office will liaise with them as appropriate.

Any matters relating to the conduct of Ministers should follow the process set out in the Ministerial Code in the normal way.

All Ministers, Special Advisers, and civil servants will be expected to co-operate with the investigations.

Any staff with information relevant to the investigations should provide it to the Cabinet Office investigation team.

Pastoral care and support will be provided to all staff involved.

The findings of the investigations will be made public. Following the long-standing practice of successive administrations, any specific HR action against individuals will remain confidential.

9 Annex B: Timeline of Regulations

26 March 2020: restrictions on leaving one’s home without a reasonable excuse, first announced on 23 March, come into legal effect in England. Very limited exceptions permit travel to work where it is not reasonably possible to work from home. Participating in a gathering of more than two persons is prohibited except where the gathering “is essential for work purposes”.

13 May 2020: leaving or being outside one’s home without a reasonable excuse continues to be prohibited Some restrictions are relaxed to allow meetings outdoors for exercise or recreation with one person from another household. Guidance encourages those who cannot work from home to go back to work. At work, social distancing advice applies with workplaces required “to avoid crowding and minimise opportunities for the virus to spread by maintaining a distance of at least 2 metres (3 steps) between individuals wherever possible”

1 June 2020: England moves to “step 2” of the government’s roadmap in which restrictions on leaving one’s home are removed. Gatherings of two or more persons indoors and more than six outdoors are prohibited. An exception permits gatherings that are “reasonably necessary …. for work purposes”

15 June 2020: Non-essential retail businesses are permitted to reopen and individual prayer in places of worship is allowed again

4 July 2020: most remaining national restrictions are removed as pubs and restaurants reopen. Gatherings of more than 30 persons are prohibited

5 July 2020: despite the removal of most national restrictions, local restrictions are retained and reintroduced during July and August in certain areas, including Leicester, Bolton, Greater Manchester and the North East

14 September 2020: a restriction on gatherings of more than six persons indoors and outdoors (the “rule of six”) is introduced, subject to exceptions which include where “the gathering is reasonably necessary…. for work purposes”

14 October 2020: a tiered system of progressive restrictions is introduced. London is moved to Tier 2 (“High”), from 17 October, in which two or more persons are prohibited from meeting indoors

5 November 2020: a second national lockdown is introduced which requires people to stay at home and which prohibits gatherings with people from other households except for permitted exceptions, including where the “gathering is reasonably necessary …. for work purposes”

2 December 2020: England is divided again into three tiers, with London in Tier 2 in which gatherings of two or more persons continue to be prohibited unless an exception, such as where the gathering is reasonably necessary for work purposes, applies. Government guidance for the Christmas period on visiting pubs and restaurants advises: “although there are exemptions for work purposes, you must not

10 have a work Christmas lunch or party, where that is a primarily social activity and is not otherwise permitted by the rules in your tier.”

16 December 2020: London is moved to Tier 3. Indoor gatherings of two or more persons from different households continue to be prohibited. Social distancing remains the rule at work, with offices advised “to maintain social distancing guidelines (2m, or 1m with risk mitigation where 2m is not viable), wherever possible, including while arriving at and departing from work, while in work and when travelling between sites”.

20 December 2020: London is moved to a newly-created Tier 4 with much of South East England, to help control the Alpha variant. The “stay at home restrictions” prohibit leaving one’s home except for permitted purposes

6 January 2021: All areas of England are moved into Tier 4’s stay at home restrictions. This is the third national lockdown. The stay at home restrictions prohibit leaving one’s home except for permitted exceptions which include where it is “reasonably necessary …. for the purposes of work” and where it is not reasonably possible to work from home

29 March 2021: All areas of England move to Step 1 and the “stay at home restrictions” are lifted. Gatherings of two or more persons indoors or more than six persons outdoors are prohibited, subject to exceptions which include where a gathering is “reasonably necessary… for work purposes”

12 April 2021: All of England moves to Step 2. Non essential retail businesses and many outdoor venues reopen but the restrictions on social mixing indoors and outdoors do not change

17 May 2021: All of England moves to Step 3, permitting six persons or two households to mix indoors and up to 30 people to mix outdoors

Middle-Class tosh from The Guardian

Utter tosh such as this piece in this week’s Guardian makes my blood boil.

No matter how ‘bad’ a relationship is there is never any excuse for sneaking off and secretly rubbing your genitals against another person’s genitals. Particularly when statistics tell us that in almost all cases the partner of the person happily getting their genitals rubbed is blissfully unaware that the relationship is ‘bad’.

There is simply no excuse for resolving whatever issues you may have in your relationship by producing a different sort of issue with an affair partner. There are alternatives: conversation, therapy, divorce are but a few off the top of my head.

Middle-class clap trap from The Guardian. They produce stuff like this all too regularly.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2022/jan/14/all-efforts-should-go-towards-repairing-the-trust-how-to-survive-an-affair

What is an apology?

Interesting debate here on what actually constitutes a real, genuine apology. Like the song says, it’s More than Words.

He Apologized. Now What?

Things people say…

As the recipient of exactly this comment, today’s Chump lady post took me back to the dark days of three years ago. Well worth a read:

Being Compared with an Affair Partner

What They Don’t Know Will Hurt Them: The Hidden Dangers of Sexual Secrets

by Dr. Omar Minwalla | Sep 23, 2018 | Articles

What They Don’t Know Will Hurt Them:  The Hidden Dangers of Sexual Secrets

When it comes to understanding the harm caused by cheating, infidelity, and deceptive sexuality or relationships, people often tend to focus exclusively on the specific sexual or romantic behaviors that occur in these situations.

…But what about the negative consequences that result from the creation and maintenance of a secret, sexual world…one that is kept tucked away and hidden from the relationship?…

…What happens when one person in the relationship engages in pervasive patterns of deceptive tactics and psychological manipulation over the course of months, or even years?…

In fact, the creation and maintenance of a deceptive, compartmentalized sexual-relational reality is often just as harmful, if not more so, than the actual sexual behaviors themselves.

But one of the most common rationalizations used by partners with a secret sexual life for keeping their behaviors to themselves is something along the lines of: “What they don’t know won’t hurt them.”  

Here are 6 reasons why this justification is not true: 

Sexual Secrets Inflict Emotional and Psychological Damage

In order to protect and maintain a secret sexual life, perpetrators often employ various deceptive and defensive tactics, including ongoing patterns of:

lying outright or lying by omissiontelling partial truthsintentional manipulation of the partner’s realitydeflecting and divertingfinding fault with the relationship or the partneranger, intimidation, or threatscover-up behaviors

These types of behaviors represent a dangerous form of emotional and psychological abuse that can lead to both short- and long-term emotional and psychological harm. Partners in these types of situations are likely to detect (consciously or subconsciously) threats in their environment, which leads to feelings of confusion and chaos. Furthermore, because these individuals often aren’t sure of where these feelings are originating from, they learn (over time) to distrust and ignore their healthy survival gut instincts and eventually may become generally hyper-vigilant and distrusting.

Sexual Secrets Erode the Integrity of the Relationship 

Healthy relationships are built on a foundation of integrity and truth that provide their members with feelings of psychological safety and stability. Sexual secrets and ongoing deceptive behaviors inevitably corrupt relationships by destroying these vital concepts of integrity and truth. The litany of lies required to maintain a secret sexual life toxically combine to create a relational system that is built on falsities and untruths. This leaves no room for integrity, no space for trust, and no chance for the growth of a solid, healthy relationship.

Sexual Secrets Divert Attention Away From the Relationship

Creating and maintaining a secret sexual or relational life while in an intimate partnership takes away time, energy, attention, intimacy, emotions, and relational (and even financial) investment from the relationship. As a result, the partner who is unaware of what’s going on is left without the attention and nurturing that they deserve. On top of this, they are likely to feel confused and anxious as to why their partner is withdrawn and unavailable. These feelings are not exclusive to the partners themselves. Having a secret sexual life can also rob children of the parental attention, time, nurturance, and devotion that play such a key role in their health and development.

Sexual Secret Holders Often Blame Their Unknowing Partners 

People who engage in secret sexual lives often need some sort of justification or rationalization in order to continue developing and maintaining their hidden worlds. It’s just much “easier” to engage in deceitful and hurtful behaviors if you perceive the “fault” as stemming from the person that you’re hurting or a diminished relationship. Unfortunately, these justifications/rationalizations often come at the expense of the unknowing partner. In such cases, the partner is blamed by the abuser for problems in the relationship that were actually more likely caused by the secret-keeping and the covert behaviors (in other words, by the perpetrator themselves). Because the abuser is unable to contain and contend with these types of negative attributions and emotions, they project them onto their partner and, as a result, feel justified in continuing their secretive and hurtful behaviors. Sadly, in the process, they also effectively erode their partner’s sense of self-esteem, connection, and intimacy.

Sexual Secrets are a Covert Form of Dominance and Control

People who hold sexual secrets and maintain a deceptive sexual reality and life while pretending to be in a honest relationship or family system are engaging in a form of abusive covert dominance and control. They essentially dehumanize their partners by withholding important information from them that would be essential for their basic navigation around survival and health. They effectively strip away their partner’s ability to truly understand key aspects of their intimate relationship, along with their power to advocate for themselves and to make healthy and self-protective decisions. Abusers who hold sexual secrets prevent their partners from taking action based on truth and reality, and ultimately keep them paralyzed in a destructive pattern of uninformed immobility.

Sexual Secrets Raise Risks 

Deceptive, compartmentalized sexual-relational realities are often associated with serious and potentially life threatening risks, both for the abusers and the unknowing partners as well as their loved ones and family members. Potentially hurtful and destructive risks taken on solely by abusers, without knowledge of, or consent from, their partners, may lead to immediate danger and/or long-term damage. Risks may include engaging in unprotected sex that goes uncommunicated. Or the creation of situations that could lead to other individuals’ vengeful violence. Or retributive behaviors such as stalking or acting out on social media. Secret sexual lives ultimately create the risk of eventual separation or divorce. Each of these risks is associated with heightened potential for negative and traumatic experiences that will impact all persons involved in the relationship, including the couple’s children and other family members.

The Bottom Line

There are many people who feel entitled or justified in creating and maintaining a deceptive, compartmentalized sexual or relational reality while in an intimate partnership or family system. Probably the most common myth that perpetuates their justification for keeping sexual secrets is the idea that “What they don’t know won’t hurt them.”

In reality, the patterns of deception, covering up, and psychological manipulation associated with secret sexual behaviors constitute a serious form of emotional, psychological, and relational abuse that is often not recognized or considered in our society. It is time that it becomes just as common to recognize and understand clearly that “What they don’t know will hurt them.”

The secret sexual basement

An excellent paper by Dr. Omar Minwalla, February 2021.

Unfortunately, I can relate to every word of this.

https://secureservercdn.net/72.167.241.180/226.c7e.myftpupload.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/07/The-Secret-Sexual-Basement_7_6_21.pdf?time=1625615316