Michael A. Arnzen's Blog: News from Gorelets.com, page 6

Can’t Fight This Feeding

I can’t fight this feeding any longer

And yet I’m still afraid to let it show

What started out as small waist, has grown larger

I only wish they made much bigger burritos

I belt myself but I can’t hold out forever

I said there is no reason for my fear

‘Cause I feel so secure when I’m eating

It gives my gut direction

It makes everything so clear

And even as I hunger

I’m keeping you in sight

You’re like a candy store window

On a cold, dark winter’s night

And I’ve ate more helpings than I ever thought I might!

And I can’t stop this feeding anymore

I’ve forgotten what I started eatin’ for

It’s time to get the chips out of the drawer

And eat a bag or four, forever

‘Cause I can’t stop this feeding anymore

I’ve forgotten what I started eatin’ for

Calories ain’t keeping score,

You’ll say when, and I’ll say pour, forever

’cause baby I can’t stop this feeding anymore

My life has been such a whirlwind since I saw food

I’ve been running out of Fritos and pork rinds

And it seems I’m always watching the weight watchers

Cause they’ll take me to the junk food

That alone I’d never find

And even as I hunger

I’m keeping you in sight

You’re like a candy store window

On a cold, dark winter’s night

And I’ve ate more helpings than I ever thought I might!

And I can’t stop this feeding anymore

I’ve forgotten what I started eatin’ for

It’s time to drive my cart into the store

and grab myself some smore’s forever

Cause I can’t fight this feeding anymore

I’ve forgotten what I started eatin’ for

I’m gonna eat this apple to the core

and my mouth can’t be ignored

cause baby, I can’t stop this feeding anymore

— A parody of REO Speedwagon’s classic song, “Cant’ Fight This Feeling,” with apologies to anyone who is suffering from weight issues, and my empathy to all who, like me, love to eat without a care in the world.

Goreletter 12.1 Mailed

The Goreletter Vol. 12, #1 was delivered to mailing list subscribers on 7/24/17 @ 1:30am est. If you didn’t get yours, check your spam folder — or re-enter your email address in the subscription page, or contact me. You also can always find a text-only version at The Repository archives!

This issue features extra material not available here on the weblog, including an excerpt from a flash series in progress, “body moving” Instigation prompts, a new gorelets poem, information about my latest book appearances, news about upcoming appearances and events and a discount code for subscribers only on the full discography of audio albums now streaming at Bandcamp (two new ones have been released since last issue).

Don’t subscribe? Check out the most recent back issues online, or jump straight to the form to subscribe today.

Exploring Dark Short Fiction Series #1: Steve Rasnic Tem

Dark Moon Books, newly acquired and resurrected by Eric J. Guignard, has just released the first in a series of primers and tributes to significant horror writers working in the short fiction genre, called Exploring Dark Short Fiction. I am the current academic consultant, contributing analytical commentaries on every story and a longer essay on the significance of the writer’s work. The first book is devoted to the great Steve Rasnic Tem, collecting six of his shorts (one new): “Hungry,” “The Last Moments Before Bed,” “In These Final Days of Sales,” “Rat Catcher,” “The Giveaway” and a creepy new original called “Whatever You Want.” The book also features articles by Guignard, a huge bibliography and just fantastic artwork by Michelle Prebich.

Steve Ranic Tem‘s stories are amazing, and the joy of this book is the combination of both his fiction and the extra insights you’ll pick up along the way. If you’re a fan of Tem, or have never read his work, you really need this book. Steve Rasnic Tem matters, and in this collection you’ll learn why. Visit the publisher, Dark Moon Books, to acquire. It’s available on amazon.com right now in paperback and ebook formats.

I’m on the docket for future academic commentaries on upcoming authors in the series! The next writer likely will be Kaaron Warren. Watch the Dark Moon website and collect them all!

The Year’s Best Hardcore Horror II

There are a lot of horror anthologies out there, and often it’s overwhelming to know which ones will deliver the goods. That’s one of the reasons why a “Year’s Best” antho is always a safe bet.

One to look for this year is the Year’s Best Hardcore Horror Vol. 2, recently published by Comet Press. It’s getting very good reviews, including a fantastic one from Publisher’s Weekly, and it’s doing well on the bestseller charts. A reprint of my series, “55 Ways I’d Prefer Not to Die,” leads off the book, and there are a number of extreme, splattery and plain nasty horror stories to whet your appetite for the dark side. It’s a big thick slab of twisted thoughts and gross-out terror. Other authors include Wrath James White, Stephanie Wytovich, Adam Cesare, Bryan Smith, Tim Wagonner, Alessandro Manzetti and many more.

Buy it now on amazon.com.

p.s. if you’re seeking more of my short fiction browse around the Anthologies page on gorelets.com or seek out my Stoker-winning “best of” collection, Proverbs for Monsters.

Snapshots of StokerCon 2017

Although there are about 30 Bram Stoker Award banquets in the history books, this season’s StokerCon 2017 was only the second time the Horror Writers Association has run a full-fledged convention, highlighting the genre with panel discussions, author readings, writing workshops, booksignings and varied presentations… culminating in the Award banquet, awarding the genre’s top practitioners with what I think remains the coolest trophy in the world: a creepy “house of usher” statuette.  And this year’s conference, held aboard the famous ship moored in the docks of Long Beach, CA — the Queen Mary — was majestic and creepy as all get out.  A lot of fun was had at this one by yours truly.  I taught my “Making Reader’s Squirm” workshop to a large audience in a massive hall; I (somehow) moderated an interesting panel on “Interactive Thrills in Horror Games,” and I signed books.  But most of all, I just hung out with all my old friends — including special side excursions with my former University of Oregon grad school buddies, David Sandner and Amy Novak — and spending extra time with former students and alumni mentees from Seton Hill University’s graduate program in Writing Popular Fiction, where I remain proud to teach.  And of course, I attended the Stoker Banquet, sitting with Jen Barnes and John Lawson of Raw Dog Screaming Press — applauding wildly as their authors Stephanie Wytovich and Maria Alexander took home trophies for their books.  And of course, I applauded everyone who was celebrated with the honor… all deserving and excellent writers, whom you should study — the complete winner’s list and announcement is on the HWA page here.

As usual at these things, I just took some silly snapshots with my phone here and there whenever I remembered that I had a phone that could do this.  I never remember that you can also actually focus it, so they’re all blurry (sorry). But maybe there are a few here that are different than the others being posted online elsewhere. With George RR Martin and other wonderful luminaries in attendance, under the LA sky, this con had a lot of celebrity about it… but mostly, I prowled around the less obvious or popular programming and tried to enjoy subversive areas of the con, like readings and deep chats at the bar.  I’ll post below in a gallery that has no real narrative or con report associated with it.  Thanks to all who shared laughter, time, and stories with me at this one and made it a very special weekend.  See you next year in Providence!

Look fun? You should come to the next one, to be held in Providence, RI, former stomping grounds of Cthulhu creator, H.P. Lovecraft, among many other dreadful delights. While you wait, join the Horror Writers Association. It’s worth it.

Squirm and Squirm Again: Arnzen Course at Horror University – StokerCon 2017

I’ll be returning to the HWA’s StokerCon event (this year held on the Queen Mary in Long Beach, CA) on April 27-30th, 2017… to teach “Making Readers Squirm”! Visit the StokerCon website or see my upcoming event listings for further details. Registration is required; you can get a discount for signing up for multiple courses by luminary writers (like Jack Ketchum, Tim Wagonner, Jonathan Maberry, and many others) throughout the weekend.

You can also apply for a “Scholarship from Hell” for a chance to get assistance to attend.

Last year’s event was the initial StokerCon and it was a riotous success. StokerCon features not only courses associated with “Horror University” but also panel discussions, readings and the Bram Stoker Award ceremony. The curious can see the snapshots I took from StokerCon in Vegas last year.

Or go straight to the StokerCon website to investigate. Hope to see you there!

REGISTER for this horror writing workshop and many others at StokerCon 2017 this May.

Five More Ways I’d Prefer Not to Die

Available in Paperback!

This past fall, one of my favorite releases was 555 Vol. 2: This Head, These Limbs, put out by Carrion Blue 555. Every story in this book is 55 words a piece; every author in the book (myself, John Edward Lawson, Stephanie Wytovich, Jonathan Moon and several others) contributed 55 of them each. That might sound like meaningless literary gamesmanship, but the results are staggeringly strong. It’s a pretty impressive volume, and deserves more attention.

My contribution is a short story series called “55 Ways I’d Prefer Not to Die,” which explores just that: worst case scenarios for “the end” in over-the-top and often impossibly crazy manners. I’m proud to report it has been selected for reprint in the upcoming Year’s Best Hardcore Horror anthology (Comet Press, 2017).

Writing 55 short-shorts at such a slim word limit (55 words) is NOT as easy as it might seem. The stories went through several drafts and changes, usually trying to shave them down to just the right size, using only the best words. And though even coming up with so many story ideas was difficult, I recently realized that there were a dozen or so pieces I wrote that didn’t make the final cut for one reason or another. I’ve decided to dig those up, and share my top five picks of these with you, as a holiday bonus!

I share this raw material as a kind of teaser, in hopes that if you overlooked this excellent book, you will buy a copy (it’s only available in paperback, by the way — however, if and only if you are an HWA member, I will send you my story free for Bram Stoker Award consideration in pdf format — just email me).

A caveat: These were not included in the original story for valid reasons, and I did not keep to the 55-word count limit in what follows. Most of the drafts were long ones that had to be compressed and I see no reason to compress these now, as they are mutant step-children of the original “55 Ways I’d Prefer Not to Die” series. Close readers will recognize that a few of these are “alternate endings” to pieces in the original series. They’re not the best of the batch, but enjoy, and happy new year!

*****

FIVE MORE WAYS I’D PREFER NOT TO DIE

Michael A. Arnzen

 

STUN GUN

Some stun guns have different settings, just like those phazers out of Star Trek. But there’s several more settings than “stun” or “kill.” There’s also “boil them blind in the brain fluid” and “tickle their internal organs.” But you don’t find these in stock very often; cops like their sex toys.

SHOPPING

The second I put down my grocery bag, I am jumped from behind, the burglar shoving a bag over my head and cinching shut the bottom around my neck like tying off a balloon. Plastic sucks in and blows away from my mouth as I struggle for breath. Wal Mart’s smiley face stares at me as I roll back and fall. The grim reaper greets me at death’s wide door.

BULLHORN

You mess with the bull, you get the horns. Where you get the horns depends on where you mess with the bull. Now I’m gored in the groin with a squeeze bulb serving as my bladder. That’s what I get for being a rodeo clown on vacation in Pamplona.

LINGCHI

Death by a thousand cuts, aka Lingchi, is a terrible way to be executed. First they gouge your eyes so you have to always wonder where the next slice is going to score. Then they dole out tiny cut after tiny cut bleeding you to death. It’s actually 3000 cuts, but you’ll be done counting by 1000.

NATURAL CAUSES

I would prefer not to die of natural causes. Heart attacks, blood disease, old age…how mundane. Then there’s also the literally “natural” causes: volcanic eruptions, lightning strikes, tornadoes, tsunamis, falling boulders, animal attacks, sun explosions, black holes sucking up every planet in the galaxy, yada, yada, yada. Nature. How predictable. How pedestrian. How — hey, watch where you’re driving!

*****

Okay, that was weird.

But still: Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

To read the full original series, pick up 555 Vol. 2: This Head, These Limbs from amazon or the publisher.

And if you like masses of microfiction, you will like 100 Jolts: Shockingly Short Stories — still in print, and available in ebook, paperback and even hardcover with bonus materials!

New Christmas Horror Short Stories

Collected Christmas: Horror Shorts — the new anthology from Kevin Kennedy and Brandy Yassa — has just been released, just in time to raise your holiday spirit (literally). Includes a new story I’m really proud of, “All Naughty, No Nice,” which takes a post-apocalyptic approach to the legend of Old Saint Nick. But that’s just one many great tales by a number or new writers and authors any genre fan might recognize. Get this collection of great yuletide terror from the UK cheap on amazon.com today!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Publisher’s Description

Christmas is often thought of as a time of joy and cheer, a time for giving to others, a time of celebration and love…. Well, this year some of the best voices in horror fiction decided to band together and tell you some tales about a different kind of Christmas, so grab yourself a mug of hot chocolate, close the curtains, lock the door and get comfy. This will be a Christmas like never before!

Contents:

12 Days (Psychopath Remix) by J.C. Michael (poem)

Thy Will be Done by J.C. Michael

Tommy’s Christmas by John R. Little

Naughty or Nice by Veronica Smith

Santa’s Midnight Feast by J.L. Lane

Hung With Care by Ty Schwamberger

Santa Came by Peter Oliver Wonder

In the Bag by Tim Curran

The Christmas Spirit by Lisa Morton

The Tome of Bill Cristmas Carol by Rick Gualtieri

Killing Christmas by Andrew Lennon

All Naughty, No Nice by Michael A. Arnzen

A Disappointed Shade of Blue by C.S. Andserson (poem)

Stuffed Pig by Steven Murray

The Night Before Christmas by Suzanne Fox

Better Watch Out by Willow Rose

Deck The Halls by Xtina Marie (poem)

Christmas Market by Amy Cross

Merry Fuckin’ Christmas by Kevin J. Kennedy

The Veil by Rose Garnett

The Last Christmas Dinner by Christina Bergling

The Present by Israel Finn

Christmas Carole by Lisa Vasquez

Slay Bells by Weston Kincade

Edited by Brandy Yassa

Cover design by Lisa Vasquez

Available on Amazon.com and Amazon UK

For more recent Arnzen stories, see the Anthologies page.

The Gobbling

THE GOBBLING

It was a normal Thanksgiving meal like any other, until I heard the gobbling from the kitchen, where my mother was checking on a pie. The sound refused to cease. One by one my family members stood up from the table and went to investigate while the rest of us ate with bemused expressions on our faces and gravy on a few of our chins.

I presumed that high pitched chortling was just some goofy turkey day sound effect, like the phony screams that plastic door knockers make on Halloween. But when only my brother and I remained, alone at the table, we decided something was awry.

Together, we shrugged and decided to go to the kitchen as a pair — since the gobbling noises had continued unabated and we were now as curious about dessert as we were the source of the sound and the strange absence of our family. But when when my brother pushed open the door and was pulled in by a human arm, mud gray and riddled with worms, I fled and raced up the stairs, toward my parent’s bedroom, where my dad kept his shotgun.

I had seen plenty of horror movies in my day, but nothing could have prepared me for that horrible sound that zombies make when their dead throats cry out for seconds.

– Posted to Facebook, Thanksgiving morning 2016

—

If you enjoy holiday horror, put an early pre-order in for Collected Christmas Horror Shorts, which includes my new story, “All Naughty, No Nice,” this weekend!

FREAKCIDENTS: Free on Election Day 2016!

The presidential campaigns this year have been something of a freaking circus and a nutty free-for-all.

So I’ve decided to make my book, Freakcidents, free on Election Day to all you nutty Americans. Just head on over to amazon.com to download the kindle version of this Bram Stoker Award-winning horror poetry collection anytime on November 8th, 2016. Aside from a new president, you’ll get thirty disturbing mutants for the price of air.

But promise you’ll do me just one favor in return: VOTE!

Offer is for one day only and ends at midnight (PST), when the price goes back up to $3.99. But don’t worry if you don’t make it in time. It’s not the end of the world.

“Welcome to the barbed brain of Michael Arnzen, where every axon is a steel trap, every dendrite a hid-den snare, every synapse a cul de sac, and every myelin sheath an elixir enabling us to find affirmation in ugliness and to smile whenever the dog eats God’s homework.” – James Morrow, author of The Last Witchfinder

“An intensely gripping sideshow… Arnzen chooses his words carefully to illuminate the horror of mutation. At the same time, he illustrates the nearly unbearable pain of human existence.” – Janie C., on goodreads

“Arnzen’s Freakcidents is a wickedly gleeful kaleidoscope of hideous horrors. And yet amidst all this colorful carnage, one will find a heart — beating with sympathy, even affection, for the bizarre characters that make up this amazing poetry collection.” – Mark McLaughlin, author of Once Upon a Slime

BRAM STOKER AWARD WINNER for Superior Achievement in a Poetry Collection, 2005.

MORE DETAILS ON GORELETS.COM:

http://gorelets.com/books/freakcidents/

BOOK TRAILER ON YOUTUBE:

https://youtu.be/q8agMyffMnc

GET YOUR COPY NOW ON AMAZON:

http://amzn.to/2fUmJ0J

NEW AUDIOBOOK EDITION:

http://www.audible.com/pd/Drama-Poetry/Freakcidents-Audiobook/B01JAX19VQ/

Happy Election Day! Let your freak flag fly. — Mike Arnzen