Ruby Wax's Blog, page 8

#AskRuby 27 March 2014

Here are the answers to today's #askruby in full

1. @DEVILSLOUNGEBAR: @Rubywax are you coming back to Australia? Be great to see you again #AskRuby

Yes I want to go back so much to do Sane New World I won’t even need a plane I will canoe there using my hands as paddles.

2. @AdamWitcombe81: @Rubywax Do you find that you have a certain behaviour that lets you know you're going downhill or is it completely controlled now #askruby

I know I’m going downhill when I start counting how many people I think like me and I can only come up with 3. I then decide those 3 probably like me because either they’re stupid or they feel sorry for me. This is the beginning of my descent. It is not controlled.

3. @gary_enefer: @Rubywax how do you deal with rudeness or being blanked?I have depression and people get annoyed or ignore me if I can't do things their way.

You may be imagining it because when you are depressed it feels like the whole world is blanking you. When you’re well again and they blank you and you know it tell them to ‘fuck themselves’. They’ll probably like you more.

4. @SamiMtt: @Rubywax ab fab movie. Anytime soon?

When Jennifer Saunders awakes from her coma. Many of us have not heard from her and this probably means she’s thinking about it. She is a genius and must not be disturbed.

5. @Merlotburmese: @Rubywax #askruby You don't make much 
reference to meditation in your book, how much is it part of your
routine?

Mindfulness is based on meditation but adapted for the Western world. I use it to deal with stress, depression, an anti-dote to bombardment of bad news and all the digital viagra and as an exercise to be able to focus my attention on what I want it to focus on and not on what I don’t. 

6. @FiveFrogsBlog: @Rubywax hi Ruby. I'd love to know what fears you have. What scares you? #AskRuby 

A journalist once asked me that and I said, “Death” and she said “Any particular reason?” You can’t top that one either death or the answer.

Mindfulness Is an Internal Weathervane

Let's drop the myth that you can empty your mind - that only happens when you're dead. But rather than run from or repress the critical voices (and we all have them, not just one in four but all of us), you learn to watch your thoughts, rather than getting trapped by their demands. The greatest liberation of my life was learning that thoughts aren't facts; they come and go, some are heavy, some light but always changing and you don't have to cling onto any particular one if you choose not to. It's like having a radio on in another room, you can listen or not. Those of us with depression or even those who suffer from anxiety or stress, in order to avoid those accompanying critical thoughts, make ourselves incredibly busy (sometimes doing things that don't need to be done) but no matter how many triathlons you run, those thoughts will come back and bite you when you finally hang up your gym shoes, which you eventually will; we'll all have to hang up our gym shoes someday.

When I had my third child in 1993 the kindest act anyone ever did for me was give what I had a name; clinical depression. Finally I knew I wasn't crazy, I had a disease, which hopefully could be treated. Of course, I embraced medication even though I believe it's archaic but it's all we've got. Medication isn't foolproof, if it was, everyone on an anti-depressant would never have it again despite cramming themselves with multiple pills (I take so many I crunch when I walk). In the end you don't even need a trigger to fall back into depression. You can analyse as much as you want, when this beast jumps on your back, you're helpless. After the last bout, six years ago when I had a hard time leaving a chair for three months, fearful of everything, even the shower, I thought 'I'm going to take this seriously and research what's out there to help me get early warnings, to hear the pitter patter before the tsunami crashes over and breaks me, the way animals have their ears to the ground before an earthquake'. I wanted that. I decided I would learn what really goes on in the brain and return to school.

So I manically investigated the latest research on the brain and found out that mindfulness and cognitive therapy had the best results for preventing relapse. I chose mindfulness. I wish the choices were between mindfulness and knitting, it would have been easier to explain to friends but mindfulness won out. I was reticent about doing something that sounded like I'd have to put a bindhi on my head while sitting on a mountain, listening to sitar. But I said 'put the sarcasm aside Ruby; study this'.

I hunted down Mark Williams, the founder of Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy who taught me an eight-week course. I thought this was sensational and I wanted to learn more on how it was affecting my brain. He said unfortunately I'd have to go to Oxford and get a masters; I have the drive of a rottweiler so entered those hallowed halls in 2010 and graduated last September. The other students were already professionals, serious grown up people who looked at me like they were having an encounter with a third kind but God dammit I was there. I learnt how the brain works, and how mindfulness can help us corral the multitude of voices that are the internal soundtrack to our busy lives.

What those of us with depression usually do when the voices are particularly critical is we give ourselves a hard time. We get angry at ourselves for having the voices so it's like sending in a second arrow. Pain is painful but suffering is optional. I know it seems counter-intuitive but only if you look directly into the eye of the storm, you'll know it's time to batten down the hatches, try and de-busy-fy.

Cancel the dinner parties, no one's going to care and you hate those people anyway. About a year ago I heard the early warnings: I'd wake up terrified so I'd start my day with an insane 'to do' list; 'buy lamp, get toothpaste, learn Spanish' with more urgency than Obama finding out if North Korea is hiding missiles. Because I could spot I was in trouble, I immediately cancelled everything, checked into a retreat that costs £29 a night, turned off the lights, didn't read or watch TV and after about four days the cortisol and adrenaline lowered because I didn't feed the animal. The depression passed; I dodged the bullets.

Mindfulness isn't for everyone, we all are as different as fingerprints and have to find our own way of breaking bad habits that can seriously damage our health. For me having a means of tuning into my mind, checking the weather conditions and spotting if a storm is coming has saved my life.

#AskRuby 20 March 2014

Here are this week's #AskRuby questions and answers in full:

1. Nikki Recherché: I have suffered anxiety for the last Four years now (I'm 28). After the first year I became master of that fear, and I'm sure I could do it again, however the fear that it will return again always lingers. is it worth being mindful of the fear or should I throw caution to the wind?

A: What is being master of your fear? Fear about fear is still fear. 
If you repress it it will leap up one day and kick your ass. In my 
opinion we are never masters of our emotions but you can study 
things like mindfulness or cognitive-based therapy and learn to live 
with it.

2. Horacia Stucki: Why don't you have your own show, or have I 
missed something? I miss seeing you on TV.

A: I don’t have my own show because I don’t have my own show 
you haven’t missed anything. Nothing lasts forever, I could cry or 
just move on and go to Oxford, which I did and am now touring a 
show in the UK based on my book, “Sane New World” 

3. Christine Furst: Dear Ruby, are you going to record an audio version of your book "Sane New World" as well? Here is why I ask this. I had a serious depression and I was not able to read for 33 month. Your book is actually the first book that I read after I was suddenly able to read again. During the time of "partial and temporary analfabetims" my main source of information was via "vocal and visual media" like video and podcasts. Maybe you already have an audio version. Maybe not. 

A: Funny you should ask. I’ve did the audio of my book in December I hope it comes to you soon. When I was depressed I couldn’t tell one letter from the next so I know it’s a bitch.

4. Bernadette Grannon: How can you better deal with what life 
throws at you when it feels relentless and you are single and 
dealing with everything alone ?

A: Use your friends as much as you can and if you don’t have some, make some they will help you deal with life; a boyfriend can’t always do that he makes it more difficult.

5. Jilly Fee: Dear Ruby how does a woman deal with menopause ?

A: I personally believe in most Western medicine otherwise I’d 
probably have died from influenza or small pox. So in this same 
spirit, if the replacements are out there and they stop my bones 
from drying up, I will take them and be thankful.

How Do We Find Quiet in a Busy Digital World?

I remember doing my last tour, Out of Her Mind, a comedy partially about mental illness. Don't worry, I toured it for two years in mental institutions and made sure I got the inmates' 'seal of approval'; these were my people, my tribe, they knew I never spoke down to them and if you can make a schizophrenic laugh, you're a hit.

I usually got to stay overnight and hang out in the smoking room where you hear the greatest conversations on earth - no bullshit in there. In the second half of the show there would be a discussion and they asked fantastic questions like, "How do you get rid of a poltergeist in your radiator?"

After two years, the show went to 'normal theatres' whatever that means, all over the world and we would also have discussions. Most people wanted to know how to break the stigma. I'd usually suggest that we should learn from the gay movement. In my lifetime they went from pariahs to goddesses.

Perhaps we should do mental illness pride parades; borrow their old boas and high heels, (they must be in storage somewhere) and march to Parliament demanding the laws be changed as far as discrimination. Unless people 'come out,' nothing is going to change.

I remember an audience member, a very butch guy from Newcastle, stood up in the balcony and confessed that he'd been on anti-depressants for ten years and never told his wife. She was sitting next to him.

Then another guy in the audience said, "What's with you Americans always going on about your depression? I'm from Norway, why don't you do what we do?" I said, "What's that?" He said, "We jump off cliffs."

Now in my new show, Sane New World which is for everyone, not just the mentally ill but all of us, I'm getting a lot of questions on how to deal with the digital viagra we're all addicted to (I'm even answering spam these days) - especially, how do we help our kids manage this? How do we deal with all this in-coming bombardment of everything from fashion tips to terrorists? I say all this is here already, we created it, now how do we deal with ourselves as individuals? How do we find our own repose amongst it all, that's the question we need to answer first - and then we can pass it on to our kids.

#AskRuby 20 February 2014

Here are the #AskRuby questions and answers in full 

1. @MiTz44: @Rubywax I have always wondered Is it possible to totally be free from mental illness?

With anything you can suddenly be totally free and who knows why? I would say it depends what you have and how bad you have it or is that too obvious to say? I am free of depression now but I don’t want to get too cocky it may jump me tomorrow.

To me the most I hope for, for people who have it is they find the right medication there is no shame in taking them. 

2. @MiTz44: @Rubywax If yes - what form of therap(ies) would you suggest? #AskRuby

I would run to your local bookshop or order on Amazon my book, “Sane New World” I give great suggestions otherwise I wouldn’t have written it.

3. @SuzieWelsh: @Rubywax #askruby Im very interested in helping others using Mindfullness. How do I go about it? Im practising it at moment and love it X

You need to get a certificate in teaching mindfulness. I’m sure you can google where to get accredited I chose Oxford mostly cause I liked the outfit. 

4. @joyfactoryuk: @Rubywax Hey Ruby, your book was so helpful to me in my last episode. Can you tell me which 8-week mindfulness course you recommend? Ta! 

I would go to Chris Cullen who works at Oxford University just get in touch with the office for mindfulness. He is the guy I think is Mark William’s disciple though he’d kill me for saying it.

5. @mirandasmurmurs: What's been the highlight of your time in Cape Town / the opening of your new show @Rubywax ? 

Doing my show “Sane New World” and having 2 people in the audience ask me if I was doing the show with my fly down on purpose. I screamed “Why didn’t you tell me during the show?”

6. @kmoggie: @Rubywax What did your family do that made the biggest difference ? #askruby

Not my parents but my kids still loving me even though they knew mommy was broken.

#AskRuby 19 December 2013

Here are the answers in full to last week's #AskRuby

1. How do/did your friends (who don't suffer) support you during 
your depression?
via @_0rladox

I didn’t tell them. I was too ashamed to mention it, I thought they’d think, “What a wanker she has so much and now complains she can’t lift herself from the bed.” I would agree with them but I was mentally incapacitated.

2. What are your thoughts on behavioral addictions not being included in DSM IV? 
via @Scrimmers
Just to enlighten the confused, all psychiatric diagnoses are categorized by the DSM IV meaning Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorder and this is the most recent edition. Not that long ago the DSM said being gay was a pathology; imagine them all on anti-gay meds; there goes Broadway musicals out the window. 

We all have a little bit of everything and everyone one of us is as different as a fingerprint so how can you categorize us when our minds go wrong? We aren’t like cans of Campbell Soup where you can say, “She’s chicken noodle and he’s a minestrone.” (I hope you see where I’m going with this). 

3. Is humour the best medicine?

It’s a good one but not as good as xanax. 

4. As crisis counsellors, we manage vicarious trauma -how can we get employers to offer support without viewing it as weak? 
via @0dds0cks

Give them the shock of their life or send them into a war zone and ask them for support again, this time they’ll listen.

5. Any chance of you doing a show in NYC? 
@JustaFreckles

I would fly there without a plane but who can compete with “Book of Mormons?” 

6. Any plans to reunite with the "Girls on Top" ladies?
via @molodyko 

Are you out of your mind? If you saw that show now you would never speak to me again, it does not age well. It was like having a slumber party with crazy people on TV. Now they’d make you rehearse and actually learn lines, back then we just showed up and made each other laugh.

Women In Film and Television Awards

This was my opening speech today Dec 6th as I hosted the Women In Film And Television Awards.  I got a good response and I think I make my point:

"It’s such an honour to be asked to host the Sky Women in Film and Television awards 2013.  It’s great to see all of you young and old not so many old but that’s the world we live in.  On that front I’m under no illusion about the rules of this trade. When I was doing my  show about 10 years ago , I discovered a slight line here when I smiled, so I immediately cut the cords and set myself adrift from the shores of television.

I knew that someday the day would arrive when I’d be replaced by someone younger and more beautiful, in my case it was Alan Yentob.  He carries the baton now of doing interview documentaries and I wish him well.  Which reminds me of a joke.  Recently I had a tattoo of David Dimbleby on my right inner thigh and a scorpion on the inside of my left inner thigh and I asked my friend if she thought they were accurate depictions. I asked who did she think the face was on my left  inner thigh she said she had no idea. I asked who she thought was on my right inner thigh.  She said she had no idea but she said the one in the middle is defiantly Alan Yentob.  Anyway enough of him, really enough of him. I did interviews and shows for 25, which is a miracle for a brunette.  I got to do documentaries interviewing extrodinary, riveting and original people and then I interviewed celebrities . Suddenly low and behold reality TV became popular and I thought ok why not try it once. On the escalator of life I finally hit the basement when I made a career double suicide pact with Richard E. Grant by doing a show I hope you missed called Celebrity Shark Bait.  Here’s a clue; the sharks weren’t the celebrities.  We did it for the money and a chance to see to Cape Town.. Besides us on this show, there was also a girl (forgot name) from some soap (forgot name) who wore very low cut tops to show off her white, milky breasts.  They filmed her most days and Richard and I were told they didn’t need us, so we told estate agents we were looking for a house to buy and snooped into people’s homes. Meanwhile, Milky Breasts was now being filmed (I’m not making this up) in a freezer where they hang dead pigs from hooks all around her while she stood freezing in her bikini.  They told her the point of this was to prepare her for the cold water. P.S We were going to wear dry suits for the dive so there was no point for the pig scene. She asked us if we thought she was being exploited.

The day came for the shark dive; large person of lesbian persuasion gave us instructions on the do’s and don’ts of shark diving. She had ‘Shark Lady’ printed on her red jacket, She tossed large chunks of tuna into the sea to get blood in the water. She said “its perfectly alright I’ve done it for 25 years it’s perfectly safe.” then we noticed she only had two fingers.  It turns out Milky Breasts wouldn’t get in the water – she was too scared – her breasts would have dragged her to the bottom. So they threw in Richard and I.  We’re at the bottom of the cage and suddenly something about 20 feet long glided at us, looked at us with dead eyes and swam away disappointed looking for A-list celebrities. It was at this point I set a sail from show business. I always know when to leave a party before the party leaves me.

If you don’t move on, it becomes a  pathetic sight when you see a presenter, fingernails  in the commissioner’s ankle begging” I’ll do anything, do a documentary on my gall bladder operation please. I’ll do anything you you want me to eat my mother in law? Toss her on the barbeque. “ or even worse I’ll work with Janet Street Porter?  That’s a joke I love Janet.

So that’s why I decided at that point I needed to sweep together some of my brain cells before they completely left the building, so I thought I’d go back to school and study neuroscience. I crashed a course filled with 21 year olds.  I felt like a freak so I told them I had a skin disease that one where you age really fast? 

Then they let me go out with them until they figured out, I really was old.  In the end they liked me cause I was the one with a car.

 Also around this time I suddenly became poster girl for mental illness. I wouldn’t have told anyone I was outed by Comic Relief. They give some of their funds to mental health charities and asked if they could take my photo cause they knew that something wasn’t right. I said 'Ok' and thought it was going to be a tiny photo of me somewhere. But no they put a gigantic poster of me all over London of me with ‘This Woman has Mental Illness please help her.’

So I wrote a show to make it seem like that was my publicity poster

I wrote it and for 2 years I toured mental institutions. I think they loved me they weren’t always facing front. The bi-polars gave me reviews saying, “I laughed I cried.” If you can make a schizophrenic laugh you’re half way to Broadway.

After UCL I really wanted to understand how our brains work because everything we are in is this 3 pound piece of meat the size of a big mac. I always believe in shopping for the best so I went to Oxford for the last 2 years to find out how we run this thing called us. I just graduated in September which wouldn’t have happened if I still was on TV so I have to thank those who made it impossible for me to keep going, they know who they are.  I just wrote a book called Sane New World about the brain and how to use it which is in your party bag right now.  It’s next to 50 shades of grey. She deals with the lower half of people and I deal with the upper half.

And irony of ironies about 2 months ago I received an email which is luring me back to the glamorous shores of televisions. The email offered me the chance to become the face of vaginal dryness.

I’m going to read the email out.
Dear Penny (she is my P.A)

Hope you’re well. I just wanted make contact with you regarding an upcoming project which may be of interest to Ruby Wax.  

One of my clients is Dr Wolff – the German cosmetics and medical company, we’re campaigning for a moisturising cream aimed at (pre) menopausal women suffering from vaginal dryness.

We’re hosting a round-table event  to discuss issues around this topic including the effects of vaginal dryness on sex and relationships. I wanted to see if Ruby would be interested in speaking at/attending the event at all? We’d also love to have her on board to provide a quote for the press release, and a possible radio day.

Do let me know if this sounds of interest at all, and we can discuss it in more detail.

Best wishes,
Can Alan Yentob do that?  I don’t think so.  He can’t take this one away from me. 

Ok on to the really famous people."

Westport, Ireland

I went to Westport, Ireland, to sell my books and do their small literary festival.  I arrived at Knock airport. I have been to Knock before to see the shrine of Our Lady who appeared as a vision August 25th 1946 to a common person who hopefully wasn’t drunk. Anyway this person had a vision of not only Our Lady but some sheep hovering 3 feet above the ground and so a humble shrine was built holding about 2,000 people and gift shops with holy water and Jesus in different outfits.  

This time I went beyond Knock to the tiny town of Westport where everyone acts like you’re a long lost relative and they are thrilled to welcome you giving you a “Top of the morning” greeting even when it’s not morning. They talk about having a crack which I didn’t get until I left. (I thought they were on the stuff).  And just when I was thinking the town is so provincial and I was getting snotty, they take me to a pub: and there is the reason why we should all live in Ireland. 

 In the corner of the dark smoky, wooden-floored pub are several fiddlers, three flautists, a singer and someone banging a drum. They’re playing that Irish music that makes your heart bleed, it all sounds the same but it’s fantastic.  One guy from The Chieftans (a brilliant Irish band) was playing along with them and I was told this happens most every night.  Everyone in there was dancing; old, young, totally plastered but everyone totally happy.  I was thinking how much we’re missing in London.  Here the whole community get together and have these evenings like they’re one big family. I was told when someone dies in the town everyone piles into the house of the bereaved and they take care of the cooking and cleaning and there’s music and crying and drinking. How much would I love to live there in my next life.  I probably would fake that someone in my house died just to have people come over and cook and clean for me.  Then I’d get caught and then they’d probably throw me out of town. Better I’m in London.   

Kind Words

I want to thank Miranda who wrote this blog below after Bill Oddie’s comments. It’s another form of discrimination to undermine someone’s credibility because of his or her career. I did shows on T.V. so I’m not allowed to fight for something I feel strongly about i.e stigma and more research of the brain? There’s a point when you feel you need to move on and I always knew when to leave a party before it left me.  Some people hang on for dear life to their one identity; this is usually out of fear.  I come from a long line of immigrants; we’re used to bailing out fast, in a second, with a piano on our back to scuttle to a new ghetto that we can call home. So with a career in entertainment I jumped ship and went back to university to study the brain. Call me crazy but it’s a little more interesting than doing “Celebrity Big Brother”. (Not that I did that but you know what I mean). If we weren’t meant to change our goals in life, I’d still be practicing potty training and Bill Oddie would still be bird-watching which I hope to God he’s not.  My career has not been enhanced but my life has far more important.

"I am afraid I wholeheartedly disagree with Bill Oddie over this. There is no question that people like Ruby Wax and Stephen Fry are trying to make mental illness fashionable - the energy, drive and selfless dedication that Ruby has for this cause has changed the lives of THOUSANDS. She and Stephen did not choose mental illness. Ruby has done an extraordinarily courageous thing by studying neuroscience and talking extensively about her own experiences in order to help others - I have no doubt that she never once has intended to make money out of it. In fact, I don't know any other person who has given up quite so much in order to trail blaze for an "unfashionable" cause in the way that Ruby has.

There are many people who are so grateful for people like Ruby Wax and Stephen Fry for talking about their mental illness and for working so hard at educating those who don't understand it. In fact, Ruby has worked like a Trojan - always thinking of others and never about herself. She is determined to get people help and not take the glory. If you know what depression is like, there is no way you would try and make it fashionable - you wouldn't wish it on anybody. Bill Oddie's comments have made me extremely angry because there is no question that Ruby has hindered people's understanding of such conditions - she has educated and helped MANY."

A Reply to Bill Oddie

Bill Oddie this weekend writes in the Telegraph that celebrities shouldn’t talk about their depression and that we use it as a career move. In the second half of my last show “Out of Her Mind” I invited the audience speak out and once a week I invited the public in free of charge and brought volunteers from Sane,  Lewis Wolpert, Peter Fonagy head of the Anna Freud Centre, Mark Williams founder of mindfulness and many others. I simply organized the event to give people a chance to find individual help and get their questions answered.  I also toured mental institutions for 2 years not thinking the show was going to go to theatres in the U.K., Australia, Cape Town, Europe and the U.S.  I created Black Dog Tribe for people and care-givers to meet online because there is so much shame around this disease. I just graduated from Oxford University having studied neuroscience and mindfulness to learn more about how our minds work and why everyone in an urban environment is heading toward burn out. 

My book “Sane New World” is not about depression but rather how the brain works in everyone, and why many people (not 1 in 4 but 4 in 4) can’t deal with the 21st Century.  Obviously Bill did not read the book and yet claims it’s about depression.  I don’t work in T.V and haven’t for many years.  I am now touring my show to bring awareness to small audiences.  I wonder what he’s doing besides criticizing someone who is trying to help. Unfortunately, we live in a society that listens to celebrities I don’t feel great about that but it is the reason Comic Relief makes millions each year.  I think we should thank Stephen Fry for being the first to speak out, it’s a very brave thing to do and he didn’t have to to improve his career. 

This response has been quoted on the telegraph website