Lori L. Clark's Blog, page 72

Cover Reveal: Surviving Ice

We are absolutely thrilled to bring you the Cover Reveal for K.A. Tucker’s SURVIVING ICE!! SURVIVING ICE is a New Adult Romantic Suspense novel, and the fourth novel in K.A. Tucker’s Burying Water Series, published by Atria books, an Imprint of Simon & Schuster. SURVIVING ICE is set to be released October 13, 2015!


SURVIVING ICE (US)Amazon | Barnes & Noble | Books-a-Million | IndieBound | Apple | Blio | Google | KoboSURVIVING ICE (UK)Amazon | Waterstones | Foyles | Apple | Barnes & Noble | KoboSURVIVING ICE (AUS)Apple | Amazon About SURVIVING ICE:

Ivy Lee, a talented tattoo artist who spent the early part of her twenties on the move, is looking for a place to call home. She thinks she might have finally found it working in her uncle’s tattoo shop in San Francisco. But all that changes when a robbery turns deadly, compelling her to pack up her things yet again.

When they need the best, they call him. That’s why Sebastian Riker is back in California, cleaning up the mess made after a tattoo shop owner with a penchant for blackmail got himself shot. But it’s impossible to get the answers he needs from a dead body, leaving him to look elsewhere. Namely, to the twenty-something-year-old niece who believes this was a random attack. Who needs to keep believing that until Sebastian finds what he’s searching for.

Ivy has one foot out of San Francisco when a chance encounter with a stranger stalls her departure. She’s always been drawn to intense men, so it’s no wonder that she now finds a reason to stay after all, quickly intoxicated by his dark smile, his intimidating strength, and his quiet control.

That is, until Ivy discovers that their encounter was no accident—and that their attraction could be her undoing.


And don’t forget BURYING WATER, BECOMING RAIN and CHASING RIVER, the first three books in this thrilling series…


BURYING WATER (US)Amazon | Barnes & Noble | Books-a-Million | IndieBound | Apple | Blio | Google | Kobo BURYING WATER (UK)Amazon | Google | Kobo | Blinkbox | Apple | Waterstones | Foyles | WHSmithBURYING WATER (AUS) Apple | Amazon | Kobo | Booktopia | Bookworld

About BURYING WATER:

The top-selling, beloved indie author of Ten Tiny Breaths returns with a new romance about a young woman who loses her memory—and the man who knows that the only way to protect her is to stay away.

Left for dead in the fields of rural Oregon, a young woman defies all odds and survives—but she awakens with no idea who she is, or what happened to her. Refusing to answer to “Jane Doe” for another day, the woman renames herself “Water” for the tiny, hidden marking on her body—the only clue to her past. Taken in by old Ginny Fitzgerald, a crotchety but kind lady living on a nearby horse farm, Water slowly begins building a new life. But as she attempts to piece together the fleeting slivers of her memory, more questions emerge: Who is the next-door neighbor, quietly toiling under the hood of his Barracuda? Why won’t Ginny let him step foot on her property? And why does Water feel she recognizes him?

Twenty-four-year-old Jesse Welles doesn’t know how long it will be before Water gets her memory back. For her sake, Jesse hopes the answer is never. He knows that she’ll stay so much safer—and happier—that way. And that’s why, as hard as it is, he needs to keep his distance. Because getting too close could flood her with realities better left buried.

The trouble is, water always seems to find its way to the surface.






BECOMING RAIN (US)Amazon | Barnes & Noble | Books-a-Million | IndieBound | Apple | Blio | Books-a-Million | GoogleBECOMING RAIN (UK)Amazon | Barnes & Noble | Apple | Google | Waterstones | FoylesBECOMING RAIN (AUS) Amazon | Apple | Booktopia | Boomerang Books About BECOMING RAIN:

Luke Boone doesn't know exactly what his uncle Rust is involved in but he wants in on it—the cars, the money, the women. And it looks like he's finally getting his wish. When Rust hands him the managerial keys to the garage, they come with a second set—one that opens up the door to tons of cash and opportunity. Though it's not exactly legal, Luke's never been one to worry about that sort of thing. Especially when it puts him behind the wheel of a Porsche 911 and onto the radar of gorgeous socialite named Rain.

Clara Bertelli is at the top of her game—at only twenty-six years old, she's one of the most successful undercover officers in the Washington, DC, major crime unit, and she's just been handed a case that could catapult her career and expose one of the West coast's most notorious car theft rings. But, in order to do it, she'll need to go deep undercover as Rain Martines. Her target? The twenty-four-year-old nephew of a key player who appears ready to follow in his uncle's footsteps.

As Clara drifts deeper into the luxurious lifestyle of Rain, and further into the arms of her very attractive and charming target, the lines between right and wrong start to blur, making her wonder if she'll be able to leave it all behind. Or if she'll even want to.




CHASING RIVER (US Preorder)Amazon | Barnes & Noble | Books-a-Million | IndieBound | Apple | Blio | Google | Kobo CHASING RIVER (UK Preorder)Amazon | Apple | Barnes & Noble | Kobo | Waterstones | FoylesCHASING RIVER (AUS Preorder)Amazon | Apple | BooktopiaAbout CHASING RIVER:

Armed with two years' worth of savings and the need to experience life outside the bubble of her Oregon small town, twenty-five-year old Amber Welles is prepared for anything. Except dying in Dublin. Had it not been for the bravery of a stranger, she might have. But he takes off before she has the chance to offer her gratitude.

Twenty-four-year-old River Delaney is rattled. No one was supposed to get hurt. But then that American tourist showed up. He couldn't let her die, but he also couldn’t risk being identified at the scene—so, he ran. Back to his everyday life of running his family’s pub. Only, everyday life is getting more and more complicated, thanks to his brother, Aengus, and his criminal associations. When the American girl tracks River down, he quickly realizes how much he likes her, how wrong she is for him. And how dangerous it is to have her around. Chasing her off would be the smart move.

Maybe it's because he saved her life, or maybe it's because he's completely different from everything she's left behind, but Amber finds herself chasing after River Delaney. Amber isn’t the kind of girl to chase after anyone.

And River isn't the kind of guy she'd want to catch.





About K.A. Tucker:

Born in small-town Ontario, K.A. Tucker published her first book at the age of six with the help of her elementary school librarian and a box of crayons. She currently resides in a quaint town outside of Toronto with her husband, two beautiful girls, and an exhausting brood of four-legged creatures.


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RDL & Giveaway: Heartfelt Lies

Title: Heartfelt Lies (Undone #2)Author: Kristy LoveGenre: Contemporary RomanceRelease Date: May 8, 2015 SynopsisLoving Cassie was effortless.
She was a thirst I couldn’t quench.

She was everything I needed, but nothing I deserved.
I failed her more times than I could count.

I lied relentlessly.
And she always forgave me.

Until she couldn’t.

Maybe I deserved to be left behind.

* * *

Jax swept me off my feet with his disheveled hair and his easy smile.
I loved him fiercely.
He made me believe in the fairytale.

Then the walls crumbled around me.
The lies never ended.
I left him behind. I had no choice.
I mourned the loss of him.

But I moved on.
I created a new life,
Now, I was marrying someone else.

Where do we go now that he’s back?


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ExcerptAnger still simmered in her eyes and her body was stiff. I pulled cash out of my wallet and laid it on the table. It was enough to cover the check and a decent sized tip. Cassie slid out of the booth and I followed her out the door. When we were in the parking lot, standing beside her car, she turned to me. I buried my hands in my pockets.

“Before you leave, I just wanted to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry for what I did to you and I’m sorry for what I did to Ben. I was a complete fuckup and I hope someday you can forgive me.”

“You fucked up, Jax.”

“I did. I know I did and I regret it. Every day.”

She nodded, her eyes still full of anger. “I should hate you.” I nodded and glanced away. “I should hate you and want nothing to do with you. I should never want to forgive you or ever want to talk to you again.”

“I know. And I’m sorry. I’m so damned sorry.” I tried my best to hold it together. I never thought I’d get this chance to say I was sorry to her face. Hell, I never thought I’d be face-to-face with her to begin with. “I wish there was more I could say, but that’s it. I’m sorry. I wish there was something I could do to make it up to you.”

“I want to hate you.” Her voice wavered and she sounded like she was either fighting back anger or tears. Her eyes were full of turmoil, as though she was battling with herself. “I want to hate you, Jax. So damned much, but I can’t. I can’t find it in me to hate you. I hate what you did. I hate what you became, but it’s so damned great to see you like this.” She blew out a breath, as though preparing herself. “I can’t hate you, Jax, because I still love you.” She paused and stared into my eyes. My heart thundered as I waited for what came next. “I hate that I love you.”

That hurt. A lot. “I’m sorry, Cassie.”

“Stop calling me Cassie!” she screamed. She turned and opened her car door and I was so fucking confused. What the fuck was happening? One second she seemed remorseful, then angry, then like she wanted something more from me.

“What do you want me to do? What can I do?”

She whirled and faced me. “I don’t know. I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know how I fucking feel.”

“I understand that.”

“You can’t understand anything, Jax!” A tear fell down her cheek and I had to fight to keep my distance. “I loved you, Jax. And then I lost you. I know I walked away from you, but I lost you long before I left. I wanted to be with you, despite all of the shit you put me through. Even though you kept tearing me apart. I loved you so damn much, I was blind.” Tears fell freely down her cheeks. “Every time you come into my life, it ends up in pieces. Before, then at my wedding, and again now.” She wiped at her cheeks angrily. “Fuck, I’m sick of crying over you! I’m sick of my heart hurting and I’m sick of missing you.” A sob broke free. “I’m sick of loving you, Jax, because it hurts too damned much.”
About The Author From the time she was old enough to form words into sentences, Kristy Love has been writing stories. She attended La Roche College and graduated with a Bachelor's Degree in Professional Writing. When she's not writing, Kristy can be found with her nose stuck in a book or spending time with her family and friends.She lives with her husband and two girls in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.
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Cover Reveal: The Offer

We are very excited to announce a brand new stand-alone from NYT Bestselling author Karina Halle!








She thinks he's an arrogant playboy.He thinks she's an uptight prude.But he's about to make her an offer she can't refuse.
Nicola Price used to have it all – a great career, the perfect boyfriend, an excessive shoe collection and an apartment in one of San Francisco’s best neighborhoods. But when she gets knocked up and her asshat boyfriend leaves her high and dry, Nicola’s perfectly crafted world comes tumbling down. And stays that way.
Now, Nicola is the proud single mom to a five-year old daughter and living a giant lie. She can barely afford their ghetto apartment and all the men she dates run when they hear she comes with a child. She’s struggling and scared – and nowhere near where she thought she’d be at age thirty-one.
Her saving grace comes in the form of a tall, handsome and wealthy Scotsman Bram McGregor, the older brother of her friend Linden. Bram understands a thing or two about pride, so when tragic circumstances place Nicola at rock bottom, he offers them a place to live in the apartment complex he owns. It’s pretty much the perfect deal, so as long as she doesn’t mind living beside Bram, a man that, despite his generosity, seems to antagonize her at every turn.
But nothing in life is free and as Nicola gets her feet back on the ground, she discovers that the enigmatic playboy may end up costing her more than she thought.
She might just lose her heart.
                                               Those McGregor brothers are nothing but trouble...

ADD TO GOODREADS



With her USA Today Bestselling The Artists Trilogy published by Grand Central Publishing, numerous foreign publication deals, and self-publishing success with her Experiment in Terror series, Vancouver-born Karina Halle is a true example of the term "Hybrid Author." Though her books showcase her love of all things dark, sexy and edgy, she's a closet romantic at heart and strives to give her characters a HEA...whenever possible.Karina holds a screenwriting degree from Vancouver Film School and a Bachelor of Journalism from TRU. Her travel writing, music reviews/interviews and photography have appeared in publications such as Consequence of Sound, Mxdwn and GoNomad Travel Guides. She currently lives on an island on the coast of British Columbia where she’s preparing for the zombie apocalypse with her husband and rescue pup.
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Cover Reveal: Love Resisted

Book: Love Resisted
Series: Entwined Hearts #2
Author: Maria Macdonald
Genre: Contemporary
Release Date: 26th June
Cover Design: Francessca’s Romance Reviews
Hosted by: Francessca’s Romance Reviews

Synopsis:



Sophie Rawlings has been the party girl for years. Drowning herself in everything but the one man she truly loves. She’s pushed her feelings deep down, knowing he doesn’t return them. The only other man to ever make her feel has suddenly become part of her self-appointed family and she’s not sure where that leaves her. Having been attacked recently, she’s sworn off guys for good.

So what will she do when she suddenly becomes the centre of attention?

What’s worse, is that not all attention is good. Sometimes the wrong attention can be life-altering…sometimes the wrong attention can extinguish the life you lead in the blink of an eye.

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About The Author


Maria is a full time working Mum, she has two beautiful daughters, both of whom love books as much as she.

She has loved to write since she was a little girl.

She started her blog - Surrender to Books - in April 2014, and is now one half of the team that run it. Blogging has inspired her to write and publish.

Maria, her husband and children now reside in Wiltshire, England.

Love Reflection is her debut novel and the first in the Entwined Hearts Series.


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Love Reflected
Entwined Hearts #1




Purchase Links

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Blitz & Giveaway: Fury

We have been dying to bring you this Release Week Blitz for Fisher Amelie's FURY! FURY is a New Adult Contemporary Romance and the third book in Fisher Amelie’s The Seven Deadly Series!! Grab your copy today and if you haven't had a chance to read the entire series yet, get on it IMMEDIATELY!


Amazon ** Barnes and Noble **iBooks ** KoboFURY Excerpt:









FURY Synopsis:

Revenge is an euphoric thing. Trust me on this. Nothing compares to the release you get when you ruin someone’s life. When they’ve stolen important things. Things that didn’t belong to them. Things I revel in making them pay for.

What? Have I offended you? I’m not here to appeal to your delicate senses. I have no intention of placating your wishes or living within your personal belief system nor do I care if you hate me. And you will hate me. Because I’m a brutal, savage, cold-blooded murderer and I’m here for my revenge.

I’m Ethan Moonsong...And this is the story about how I went from the world’s most sacrificing man to the most feared and why I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Check out the FURY Trailer!Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cx22kmwqGXo
Add FURY to your Goodreads! SEVEN DEADLY Series on Goodreads
And don’t miss the first two books in the Seven Deadly series!
VAIN Amazon ** Barnes and Noble GREEDAmazon ** Barnes and Noble

About Fisher Amelie:

Fisher Amelie resides in the South with her kick ace husband slash soul mate. She earned her first ‘mama’ patch in 2009. She also lives with her Weim, Jonah, and her Beta, Whale. All these living creatures keep the belly of her life full, sometimes to the point of gluttony, but she doesn’t mind all that much because life isn’t worth living if it isn’t entertaining, right?

Fisher is the author of The Seven Deadly Series, The Sleepless Series, and The Leaving Series, and was a semi-finalist in Amazon’s Breakthrough Novel Award.




Find Fisher on Amazon! ** Find Fisher on Barnes & Noble! ** Find Fisher on Facebook! ** Find Fisher on Twitter! ** Add FURY to your Goodreads! ** Find Fisher on YouTube! ** Find Fisher on her website!


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Amazon's Top Rated Women's New Adult & College Fiction May 3, 2015

Amazon's Top Rated Women's New Adult & College Fiction May 3, 2015

1. Always Us (The Jade Series #8) by Allie Everhart
5.0 out of 5 stars

2. Blackest Red: A Billionaire SEAL Story, Part 3 (In the Shadows) by P.T. Michelle
4.8 out of 5 stars

3. Kyle's Return (Gloves Off Book 5) by L.P. Dover, Crimson Tide Editorial
4.8 out of 5 stars

4. Fuel the Fire (Calloway Sisters) by Krista Ritchie, Becca Ritchie
4.9 out of 5 stars

5. Shopping for a Billionaire's Fiancee (Shopping for a Billionaire series Book 6) by Julia Kent
4.8 out of 5 stars

6. Fireflies and Magnolias (Dare River Book 3) by Ava Miles
4.8 out of 5 stars

7. Ugly Love: A Novel by Colleen Hoover
4.7 out of 5 stars

8. Camden's Redemption (A Gloves Off Novel Book 4) by L.P. Dover, Crimson Tide Editorial
4.9 out of 5 stars

9. Crashing into Love (Love in Bloom: The Bradens) by Melissa Foster
4.8 out of 5 stars

10. The Chocolate Garden (Dare River Book 2) by Ava Miles
4.7 out of 5 stars

Cover Reveal: Red Nights

I’m Felicity Stone, a twenty-five-year-old with my whole life ahead of me. Well, until recently.



I didn’t do it. Why would they think I did? Why would I want my twin brother dead? Why is everyone looking at me like I’m a criminal?



Well, everyone except him… Hayes Peyton, the charmingly beautiful stranger I met in the park at midnight—a totally legitimate place to meet the man of my dreams. Plus, he knows I’m innocent.



Believing him is easy. So very easy. Maybe too easy?



But when you hear things like: ‘All good is laced with some bad, and everything you think is the truth—is nothing more than a blatant lie,’ it makes you question reality.



In Shari J. Ryan’s latest Romantic Suspense, Red Nights, you wonder how dark your world can get before all you see is red.











Shari J. Ryan is an Amazon Top 100 Bestselling author, a Barnes & Noble Top 10 Bestselling author, and an iBookstore #1 Bestselling author. She hails from Central Massachusetts where she lives with her husband and two lively little boys. Shari has always had an active imagination and enjoys losing herself in the fictional worlds she creates. When Shari isn’t writing, she can usually be found cleaning toys up off the floor.



To learn more, visit her at, www.sharijryan.com.



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RDL: Hell to Pay

Hell To PayCrimes Files Book #1by Jenny ThomsonPublisher: Limitless PublishingRelease Date: April 28th 2015Genre:  Mystery\Thriller
✢ SYNOPSIS ✢Nancy Kerr refuses to be a victim—even when she walks in on her parents’ killers and is raped and left for dead… 

Fourteen months later, Nancy wakes up in a psychiatric hospital with no knowledge of how she got there. 
Slowly, her memory starts to return. 
Released from the institution, she has just one thing on her mind—two men brought hell to her family home. 
Now they’re in for some hell of their own…


Hell To Pay is Book One is a Series

✢ ✢ ✢ Oneclick ✢ ✢ ✢Amazon US / Amazon UK / Amazon CA / Amazon AU

Join the Facebook Event for the celebration of Hell to Pay ReleaseJoin Here

Jenny ThomsonJenny Thomson is an award-winning crime writer who has been scribbling away all her life. She also writes as Jennifer Thomson.

Inspired by her love of zombies and The Walking Dead, she wrote The Restless Dead. 
She kills people for a living in the Crime File series of books for Limitless Publishing. Book 1, 2 and 3, will be out soon.To find out more details, check out her publisher's site at http://www.limitlesspublishing.net/au...
Her novella, How Kirsty Gets Her Kicks, about a one legged Glasgow barmaid who goes on the run with a gun and a safe load of gangster's cash after killing one of his henchmen, will be published by the critically acclaimed Snubnose Press


Social Media SitesFacebook / Book Facebook Page / Blog / Website / AmazonAuthor Twitter or Book Twitter

✢ ✢ ✢ EXCERPT ✢ ✢ ✢
Chapter 1
I’m cold, colder than I’ve ever been in my entire life and I don’t know why. Slowly, I 
open my eyes, tentatively at first because even opening them a fraction feels like 
someone's shoving red-hot pins into them. The light is so bright.
What’s with the light anyway?
Has Michael wandered in, blootered on some poncy new beer and left the light on, 
after collapsing in a heap onto the bed?  I’ll brain him if he has. I’m no good to 
anyone when I don’t get my eight hours.
Pulling myself up in bed, I reach out my arm to nudge him awake so I can give him a 
right mouthful. My hand finds empty space.
Where is he?
My eyes sting as I prise them open – it’s as though there's been an accident with false 
lashes and I've glued my eyelashes together - and that’s when I realise I’m not in our 
flat. The reason I’m freezing is because I’m wearing a tracing paper thin hospital 
gown: the kind that shows off your backside when you’re being whisked off to x-ray.
A tidal wave of panic hits me and I jerk into full consciousness.
What’s happened to me?
I try to remember, but my brain’s all bunged up as if the top of my head's been 
removed and the cavity filled with cotton wool.
My arms are bandaged up. Have I been in an accident?  If I have, I don’t remember. 
Maybe I hit my head. 
I take in my surroundings. If I’m in hospital, it’s no ordinary one. For one thing, my 
room’s more like a cell. There’s a bed and a table bolted to the floor, but no personal 
stuff: photos, or cards, or stuffed animals from people wishing me well. Does anyone 
even know I’m here? 
I grope for a call button to get a nurse, but there isn’t one. What the hell? This place is 
a prison. 
Staggering out of bed, I fight the wave of nausea and dizziness that make me want to 
yell at the world to stop moving because I want to get off the carousel. The tile floor 
is stone cold and there are no slippers by the bed. My feet are ice blocks. Why don’t I 
have any socks or tights on?  
Before I reach the door, there's a jingle of keys, then a key scrapes in the lock. 
Holding my breath, I brace myself for what’s coming. 
A woman I don’t recognize with brown hair tied back in a ponytail appears. She’s 
dressed in a nurse’s uniform and there’s a small smile playing on the edge of her lips.
"Good, you’re awake, Nancy."
She sounds pleased, as if we’re bosom buddies, when I’ve never seen her before in 
my life.
"Where am I?"
My voice comes out as a rasp as though my throat’s been sandpapered down.
The nurse puts a hand on my shoulder. "Let’s get you back into bed, Nancy."
I do as she says. I’m worried if I don’t lie back, I’ll faint.
"You’re in Parkview Hospital," she says, as she fixes the pillows so I can sit upright.
I know all the hospitals in Glasgow, but I haven’t heard of that one. I ask her what 
kind of hospital it is and she tells me it’s a psychiatric facility. The reason I haven’t 
heard of it, is because they don’t publicize it. Perhaps because it’s full of nutters they 
want to keep away from society. The prospect terrifies me because that would mean 
they must think I’m cuckoo. Why else would I be here?  
I suck in my breath. When I ask her if this is a nut house, she presses her lips tightly 
together as she tells me no one refers to psychiatric hospitals in that way any more. 
Suitably chastised, I mumble an apology not because I think one’s needed, but 
because she’s the one with the keys.
"Why am I here?"
I’m dreading the answer, but I need to know. I don’t feel any different. Surely if I’d 
lost my mind, I'd know.
"You had a breakdown."
The way she says it, she could be talking about the weather.
She asks me if I want anything and I tell her a pair of proper pajamas, a dressing 
gown and slippers would be nice because I’m an ice block. If she gets in touch with 
Mum, she’ll bring me in some stuff. 
Her smile’s still there, but breaks down around the corners of her mouth. There’s 
something she’s not telling me, because she’s worried how I’ll react. There’s fear in 
her eyes. I notice she’s wearing a lucky heather brooch, the same one I got for Mum. 
I’m staring at it as she tells me she’s going to fetch a doctor, when a memory stirs 
inside me and no matter how hard I try to push it away, someone’s taken their finger 
out the dyke and the water’s rushing in. 
Blood, blood everywhere. Dad’s slumped in his favorite armchair, head bent forward 
as if in prayer (he never prayed a day in his life); a single bullet hole in his head. I 
know it’s him, even although his face has been beaten to a pulp: his blood staining the 
fireside rug my mum was so fond of. Even in death, my dad has a presence. He fills a 
room with the sheer weight of his personality. Discarded nearby is the baseball bat 
they used on him. It’s covered in blood and something sticky and dark brown, 
resembling raw mincemeat.
***TO BE CONTINUED***

RDL: Binge

Flynn & Aria Roberts have had plenty of ups and downs
during their seven year marriage. Everyone warned them not to wed so young -
that they'd be missing out on the key years when people grow from young adults
to mature individuals.
The only thing holding them together now is their love for each other, and even that is becoming questionable.To save the marriage, and the family they've already
started, Flynn and Aria come up with an unconventional solution to help them
find what's missing in their relationship.
The only problem is doing so involves rediscovering
themselves completely, even if it requires them to be unfaithful.Can a marriage survivewhen vows are broken, or will chance encounters prove
they've been missing out all-along?
Fulfill yourdeepest DesiresGive in toTemptation













I hated the idea of spending the next hour with a therapist, bearing all of my concerns as if she could somehow relate enough to help me. What I loathed more was knowing that it was the first sunny day in two weeks, and the woman was relentless about closing the blinds during her sessions.  It was as if she wanted her patients to be depressed so that they’d keep coming.

I’d gotten into a habit of nitpicking lately. I suppose it came from being so miserable. They say it loves company, misery that is, not that I was asking for friends to hang out with and compare notes on our failed experiences.

I peered down at my jeans and Chucks, feeling as if I should have cared more about my appearance, especially since this woman clearly went all out. It didn’t matter what the temperature was,  Dr. Ellis was always in a skirt-suit. With her auburn hair full of curls, she sat with crossed legs and my file strewn over her lap. While the friendly doctor flicked her pen, pretending to listen to me, I stared effortlessly at the rapid speed it repelled. I wondered if it made little dots on the paper each time. Then I imagined it falling apart from being handled so roughly. I imagined the tiny spring shooting into her hair and becoming tangled the instant it made contact. Anything was better than admitting where I was and why I was there.

“How would you say your relationship with your husband has been in the past week?”

I rubbed my hands on the thighs of my jeans while proceeding to come up with a lie to make it seem as if we were making progress. “Fine, I guess. We haven’t killed each other.” I found my answer to be amusing, while she kept the same resting-bitch face.

“Since last week, how many times have you had intercourse?” She would ask me this. It was the reason I hated coming to these meetings. Every week she asked the same questions. I guess she assumed that one time I’d provide her with a different answer. This wasn’t going to be the epic appointment where I made progress, not after the week I’d had. Besides, who would want to know that I had frequent sex in bed alone, while imagining being tied up by a stranger, or blindfolded and seduced by someone who only set out to please me. Flynn was always there in my dreams, watching and envying what I wouldn’t let him have. It was like I was punishing him in my mind, while getting off to my little bullet vibrator in the bed we should be sharing together.

Flynn and I were supposed to be working on things. Instead, we were still in the same place as when we started this – headed for divorce.

“That would be a big fat zero.”

“I see,” she said while jotting down something. “Have either of you put forth an effort?”

I leaned forward, putting my elbows on my knees while rubbing my hands together. I suppose I should have held my posture like a proper lady, but my give-a-damn had been busted for years. “It’s kind of hard to try something when being in the same room together makes me want to strangle him, hypothetically of course. It’s also impossible when your husband sleeps on the couch, and trust me, you’d be the first to know if I was getting it from someone else, because I wouldn’t need to keep up this charade.”

“Charade? I would hardly call these sessions that. I’m here to get to the bottom of your problems and help you overcome them. You came to me for help. I know at times it seems worthless, but in order to change you’ll have to put forth an effort, which I’m not seeing from either of you. I’d hate for you to waste your time if this isn’t what you want, Aria.”

I hated the way this woman looked at me. She wasn’t fooling me with her professionalism. I knew she found Flynn attractive. She probably went home at night and turned on her vibrator to get off on pretending to fuck my husband, and apparently she wasn’t the only one. The older we got, the better looking he became. I wondered if she was waiting for me to admit we were through so she could make her move.

I grinded my teeth together to keep from spatting out something I’d regret later. Had we not promised each other that we’d try, I didn’t know where I’d be. With a daughter, it wasn’t feasible to go out and prey on single men for attention. Sure, I missed being touched. I longed to feel desired again, but I didn’t see it happening, so I kept my deepest thoughts buried where not even this doctor would be able to pry them out of me. If she only knew what I fantasized about when I was all alone she’d think I was a crazy voyeur nymphomaniac who didn’t deserve to be in a loving commitment to just one person. In my defense it wasn’t like I’d always dreamed of being with multiple partners, but when I had little experience aside from my husband, my curiosity got the best of me. Maybe if I didn’t feel like my body was scarred from stretch marks, I would be open to exploring different things with Flynn. I just felt ugly – ALL. THE. TIME. It was as if he was becoming more attractive while I was constantly aging. Why would he ever want to try to be turned on by me after seeing my vagina doubled in size during labor? I think he referred to it as the Cumberland Gap. And yes, that is exactly how he described it. “I want to feel beautiful about myself. I want to be appreciated. I want to know without a doubt that Flynn is making love to me and not imagining someone else. I want HIM to be the person who can fulfill my needs, leaving me feeling completely and utterly satisfied.” The last part wasn’t supposed to come out, but now I was becoming overemotional, letting my fears and frustrations dictate what flew out of my mouth.

“I think you’re not giving Flynn enough credit. It’s obvious your husband desires you. He’s said as much during our sessions. Perhaps your self-esteem struggles are keeping you from seeing that.”

Of course she’d blame me. If she only knew what it was like to see Flynn looking at other women, or to talk until I was blue in the face with no response from him. If she could prepare all of his meals only to have him refuse to come to the table to eat because he was watching something on television. If she could be on the end of the phone call when he was out with his friends instead of being at home with his daughter. Flynn was terrible with priorities. He came first in his mind, and we were just leftovers, hoping to have a millisecond of his precious time. They say marriage is a two-way commitment. What is it called when only one person gives one-hundred percent of their time and energy? That was my marriage. I gave, and he took. That was the gist of it. Flynn could construe his stories to this doctor as many times as he wanted, but the truth would never change.

The moment he left her office he went back to being a douche, a part time father, and a shitty excuse for a husband. “I agree that my body issues prevent me from feeling sexy enough to want to be intimate, but that’s not our only problem. Just because I’m not willing to seduce my husband, doesn’t mean I’m ready to throw in the towel.”

“Intimacy is an important factor in any marriage. I’m afraid if you’re unwilling to be physical with each other there’s nothing more I can do for you. It may sound absurd to someone in your situation, but you have to be willing to at least try to be with your husband. Part of being a marriage counselor is to help you get through this. I’ve met with both of you together, and now separately. While your husband shows empathy for your marriage, I get the sense that you no longer feel the same.”

If she only knew that he was full of shit when he met with her. Of course he’d lead her to believe he was this great guy who was suffering because his wife wouldn’t screw him. It only made me want to choke him more.

I played with my hands. This was our eighth session. Once a month we met with her separately. I was supposed to be making an effort, but it’s impossible when you don’t feel good enough about yourself. “It’s not that I don’t love Flynn. I do – that’s the only thing I’m sure of right now. We just can’t find a common ground. It’s hopeless. He doesn’t make me feel wanted, even when he’s trying to get laid. Why should I give in when I know it’s all an act. I want to feel needed. I want to see his eyes light up when I walk in the room. It’s the little things that are missing in our relationship. It’s like he’s gotten comfortable and forgotten that I also have desires. We’re not in this together anymore. I feel alone even when he’s near.”

She started aggressively writing something down on a separate pad of paper then ripped it, and reached across the wooden coffee table to hand it to me.

I looked down at it. “What’s this?” I half expected it to be the number of a furniture company where Flynn could purchase a new comfortable couch for his lazy ass to sleep better on. It was obvious she enjoyed his private sessions more than mine. All I did was complain about Flynn. It wasn’t getting me anywhere. My sessions were a joke. Flynn’s last two private appointments he’d come out acting all happy, as if he’d gotten head or possibly more. Ever since then, I’d been reluctant to even continue my sessions. At this point I couldn’t figure out what were misconceptions in my head, or actual reality. I was so messed up and didn’t know where to turn. Behind closed doors my husband was someone who never tried, yet when he spoke to other people everything was honky-dory. It made me resent him all the more.

Dr. Ellis’ reply wasn’t what I’d expected. It actually made me question if she’d been listening to me at all. “That is the address of a bed and breakfast near the beach. It’s run by a young couple. This time of year is pretty slow. If any part of you wants to save your marriage, I suggest you spend some one-on-one time together, out of your normal routine. You don’t have to go there, but go somewhere. Spend time communicating. The two of you need to get know one another again. You need to remember why you fell in love, and how to figure out how get it back. I can’t make the decision for you, or tell you what you should be feeling. I can only suggest a solution I think you’d both benefit from.”

“I’ve known him for years. In fact, I know him better than anyone,” I corrected her. I didn’t need a life lesson on Flynn. I also didn’t need to take a trip with him to get to know him better. What I needed was to go away alone and get my head on straight. What I wanted was to be desired by someone who didn’t ignore me on a daily basis.

She shook her head with a smirk across her face. It made me feel as if she were questioning my statement. The jealous side of me wanted to slap it right off. Then I had to rationalize about how I could be assuming things that weren’t even happening.

“That’s not what I’m referring to. Couples change. You can grow together, or in your case, because you were so young, apart. The only way to fix things is to start over, as if it were your first date.”

“What if I don’t want to date my husband?” I began to count how many times, while during a heated argument, I’d told Flynn if I had to do it all over again I’d never look in his direction.

“Just give my advice some thought. We’ll meet again next week, if you’re still interested in making this work. I have hopes that some quality time together could start repairing what’s been lost. You both need to relearn how to communicate with one another again. I know it seems tedious, but I can promise it’s not. You can never know too much about the person you’re married to. An open line of communication could do wonders for your self esteem issues as well.”

So what if I had problems with feeling beautiful. Didn’t every woman stand in the check-out line at the grocery and wish she could look like the model on the magazines? I was envious they could keep their figures after having children.



It wasn’t until I reached my car that I took in what Dr. Ellis suggested, and then I wondered if I was even willing to give it a go. If I had a choice, would I do it all over again? This question was something I thought I’d known the answer to, yet the idea of giving up on Flynn was painful. As much as I couldn’t stand how he was, a part of me assumed that without him I’d have nothing. Then there was the lingering fact that I still loved the man, even with all his flaws.

My drive home brought everything back into perspective. I started imagining our failures. Yes, we’d made a beautiful little girl, but was it worth it to stay together for her? I knew some couples did, though I couldn’t fathom it myself. I was at a point where I hated Flynn. My love for him still existed, but I despised the person he’d become; the one that popped open a beer after work every night leaving his dirty boots on and track mud all over the floor I’d just vacuumed. The same man who didn’t care about his actions or how they affected other people.  The person who stopped caring about me and everything else that mattered, because he was too consumed in himself to notice.

Everyone told us we were fools. They said no two people should marry as young as we were; that it was doomed to fail, because we were kids ourselves. In so many ways I wished we would have listened. Had I known then what an up road battle into a clusterfuck of a life it would turn out to be, perhaps we could have saved a lot of people grief, and probably money.

It’s amazing how as little girls we dream of finding our Prince Charming and to live happily ever after.

It doesn’t take a genius to see the disappointment in my parent’s eyes when I call them upset, or even in some cases show up at their door with bags full of my things, swearing I’m done playing Flynn’s head games.

I suppose they’re used to the fighting since we’ve been doing it from day one. At seventeen I thought I was lucky. He wasn’t only handsome, but smart, and brave as well. Flynn Roberts was the good boy with the bad reputation. He was able to have any girl he wanted back then, and probably still could to this day. For all I know he could have been screwing around on me this whole time. Maybe that’s why we’ve never been able to really communicate. Maybe he hides behind a wall of secrets.

It’s easy to sit back and point fingers at someone else, rather than admit I’m the one at fault. I can’t help it. When that alarm goes off in the morning I cringe, not because he’s going to try and touch me, God forbid that happen, but rather that I know I’m going to have a repeat of the day before it.

He’ll expect me to help him out the door. If he’s sick I’ll have to call into his job, and nurse him back to health, because let’s face it, he’s a freaking child when he doesn’t feel good. Give him a runny nose and he can’t get out of bed. How pathetic is that? Is it all men, or just the one I’m married to?

I’ve asked my therapist- she claims that I’m nitpicking. To be honest I don’t even know if I care anymore. I look forward to the moment he leaves, and try to avoid him when he steps back in the door.

You’re probably wondering why we married, or how we got this way. I asked the same question each time he turns to walk away from me. I question what I saw in him back then. Apparently love is blind. I married a man who’s only ever put himself first. If he doesn’t get his way I’m a bitch, or a terrible wife. For seven years I’ve listened to this, and for those seven years, I’ve let it happen.

I can’t even count the amount of times I’ve cried myself to sleep at night, praying, pleading for God to help me. I asked why I couldn’t be a better person. Why couldn’t he love me more?

I honestly let him brainwash me into thinking I was the whole problem in our marriage. I felt as if I wasn’t what he wanted in a woman, and eventually a mother.

We had our first child when I turned nineteen. At the time he’d gone off to college, leaving me behind to live with his parents. He’d come home on weekends to his knocked up wife, which I honestly believed he’d hid from most all of his classmates.

At first his parents were in charge of our relationship. Since he’d gotten a scholarship, they weren’t going to allow him to give it up for me or a new baby. Yes, I’m dead serious. This really happened. My mom and dad wanted me to have an abortion, but I refused. They begged me to reconsider being with Flynn. They told me it would never work.

I ran away, well just to his parent’s home. When they found out about the pregnancy they questioned our relationship, and then pretty much forced us to marry. God forbid they have an illegitimate grandchild.

From the get-go, their animosity toward me was pretty well-known. Nothing I did was good enough for Flynn’s mother. She’d pick at the littlest of things, making sure to put me down until I felt incapable. She caused so many fights between us, especially when Flynn wasn’t home. I couldn’t even begin to count how many nights I called him at school, bawling my eyes and begging for some sort of resolution.

During my pregnancy I focused on our future, promising my unborn child a good life. It was evident how important it was to provide our child with a stable home. In order to do that, I needed to respect how a college education could give us that opportunity.

I’d like to say I tried my best to be patient and understanding, but as the months passed I saw Flynn less and less. He started staying on campus, attending parties, and doing other activities that didn’t involve me.

Not only was I jealous, but over-emotional as well. Combine the two of those together and I was a mess.

I’d call his phone until he either picked up or turned it off. He’d call me every name in the book, and I’d return the same language right back. Then, when I felt as if nothing could repair the damage, he’d show up. The makeup sex was always the best, and for a while I was content.

One night, on a Friday he wasn’t due to come home, I awoke from a terrible nightmare. It upset me so much that I knew I wouldn’t calm down unless I spoke to him to be sure he was okay.

When a female voice answered the phone, I felt like my whole future had ended. Being sick wasn’t even the half of it. In the background I could hear him talking, calling her baby, and asking who she was talking to. At the time I didn’t know he’d been drinking, though I also didn’t give him a chance to explain.

In a pair of pajamas, with a huge belly, I took his mother’s keys to her vehicle and drove to the college, determined to look him in the eyes and let him know we were over.

To this day I still don’t know what happened in that dorm room. After someone let me inside, I climbed the stairs and knocked on the door until he opened it. Sitting in a chair off to the side was a blonde female. She was in a bra and a pair of jeans. At first she looked at me like I was in the wrong place, but when Flynn acknowledged me she quickly exited the room.

That was the night that could have changed our future. Maybe I was wrong to give him an ultimatum. Perhaps I didn’t have a right to control his life, but I did it anyway. I made Flynn choose me over going to the university, because I knew I’d never trust him if he stayed. At the time I didn’t see it as being selfish. Now, seven years later, I feel as if it was the biggest mistake of my life. I almost wish he would have found the love of his life at that school, because it was quite clear it wasn’t me.

While sitting in front of our small ranch style home, I peered down at the address of the bed and breakfast the therapist had given me. Did I want to even bring it up to Flynn? Could the two of us be alone for a whole weekend without wanting to strangle one another? Did I want to know what it felt like to have him touch me without cringing? Was there any kind of sexual chemistry even left between us? Could Flynn ever learn how to please a woman first instead of being so damn selfish?

I hated even considering how bad it could turn out, but I was tired of living like this. I knew there was so much neither of us had ever experienced. We were naïve and curious, so much that we couldn’t find a happy medium. Was it so wrong to want to experience hot, unadulterated sex with someone who could appreciate me the way I was? I hated the idea of being with someone else. I didn’t want my family to break up, but this wasn’t healthy.

Before exiting my vehicle, I crumpled the small note and shoved it in my pocket. My marriage was over, and the sooner I came to grips with it the faster I could plan the divorce.

AMAZON:

BARNES & NOBLE


Jennifer Foor is
an award winning Contemporary Romance Author. She's best known for the Mitchell
Family Series, which includes ten books.She is married
with two children and spends most of her time behind a keyboard, writing
stories that come from her heart. 
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