Susan Shultz's Blog, page 6

Honeysuckle

I left your honeysuckle

As I drove by

I tried to grow it

But it was a lie

I put it in water

But with no ground

A jar of nothing

No earth to be found

The roots find their heart

Can’t give you your start

It has to explore

Where it can endure-

I felt my honeysuckle

Like grandma’s touch

I mourn my honeysuckle

a sad, fragrant crutch

I cut it, to fake –

But it wouldn’t take

I live with the scent

My childhood lament

It’s only the dirt

And my nursed hurt

I left your honeysuckle

As i moved on.

I wanted to hold you –

But my grandma is gone.

I try- but i can’t water words

We drown as souls- so flooded without worth

Recipe

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Start with a good stock

Boost your bones

Foster fiber

Instill integrity

Make a roux

Enhance your essence

Distill your dedication

Whisk your worth

Simmer your soul

Only

Invite ingredients

To foster your flavor

Carry your character

Tease your taste

Don’t

Salt away your sweetness

Sugar down your strength

Pepper over your personality

Over muddle your makeup

Cook on low heat

For a lifetime

Taste

Test

Because once the cooking’s done

You’re at a table for one

Don’t let it cool

Congealed and casted off

Don’t over heat

Because burning’s just bitter

But stock

Is the start

Without it

You have no depth

No heart

More or less

I took a pill

Because they swore

I’d care less than

I did before

 

If I still feel

Is it I’m wrong

Or is there nowhere

I belong

 

Before or after

I ingest

Does my heart make me

More

Or less

I don’t want

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I don’t want to wake up

I don’t want to get out of bed

I don’t want to feel resigned

I don’t want to shower

I don’t want to dress

I don’t want my mess

I don’t want to answer the phone

I don’t want to go to your party

I don’t want to have dinner

I don’t want to talk about my feelings

I don’t want to talk at all

I don’t want to feel the weight of my limbs

I don’t want to suck up hurt and anger

I don’t want to do what you want

I don’t want to think about your betrayals

Just like you don’t want to think of my pain

I don’t want to feel ugly

I don’t want to hate my reflection

I don’t want to count down the hours of each day

until it’s wasted away

like watching champagne swirl down a sewer

I don’t want to lie Awake

I don’t want squander what’s fleeting

I don’t want to feel defeated

I don’t want to hurt my children

I don’t want to disappoint them

I don’t want to feel guilt

I don’t want to feel ashamed

I don’t want to be awake

I don’t want to sleep

I don’t want to not want

Someday

I want

To not think about death

To sit on a beach

To read a book

To sleep peacefully

To not mourn what’s lost

To laugh with my daughters

To find beauty

To write that beauty

To go easy on myself

To feel I have worth

To offer it back

I don’t want to die

I don’t want to live

I want to want

So much more

Than what I don’t want

Just another day at work

I stand at the edge

Of this emptiness

This enormous,

Whistling void,

Dizzy with its Delirious depth.

Your tears

In my eyes

Your ache

In my heart.

I can’t take your burden

Can I explain Your pain?

As I leave you —

Your many rooms

Magnified loss

The lack of laughter —

Can silence echo?

Does grief seek out grief?

The ghost I can’t unsee

May give us relief

His eyes, they still haunt me

My fear must not daunt me.

I’m shackled to sorrow —

To a suffering shadow —

Inspire me to be brave —

Help me.

HELP me.

There’s lives

We can save.

Mad

Why don’t you answer me?

Speak up, can’t hear.

Why don’t you listen?

Try harder, dear.

I need your attention

Despite kids, no question

My words are like vomit.

Brace for it, can’t stop it.

What is for dinner?

So sick of that dish.

Then I’ll ask why

You Can’t use what’s in fridge.

Why did you buy this?

The wrong one – won’t fit!

Wait, did I buy it?

Your instructions were shit.

You’re always late.

Bad planning, your fate.

You’re not tired, but lazy

Need pills, must be crazy.

Your dishwasher loading

Will not go unspoken

When laundry is done

You can watch your tv show

But bravo is stupid,

As I non-stop say so.

Crying is weak.

Understanding – won’t seek

I’ll be nicer tomorrow

My vices, you’ll swallow

Did I ask how your day was?

Roll my eyes, guessing bad.

But I’ll make sure to question

Why you always seem mad?

One more word

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It’s not remotely close to a surprise

I am again confronted with your lies

You fooled me once again inside a song

I’m comforted to know I wasn’t wrong

You can’t deal with a world that’s absent light

While I cradle the darkness that you fight

I lash myself with lessons soaked in years

While i toast with an empty glass of tears

Keep running to the next clean shining game

Avoid compassion, truthfulness and shame

You hate the fall,it’s nature’s reckoning

But maybe there’s a countdown when you sing

you should wonder why you flee

Each time a leaf might leave your tree

What matters is what’s rooted, rare

What matters is the messy care

I’ve held you through the seasons you despise

But this winter is your sad cold reprise

I have tasted this cold salt

I know so much is my fault

For you I wish you joy and hope it is heard

For me,

on you,

I won’t waste one more word

Effigy

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An effigy

What’s left of me

Stones

Bones

Can you see

What can’t be free?

What used to be?

Intensity

Integrity

Vitality

How can it be —

This fallacy?

My weaponry —

Desensitize

Use a disguise.

Will weakness be

my legacy?

Or is there still

A chance for me?

But

Risk-restricted

Self-convicted

Hope, evicted

Loss, predicted

I fear to see

And fail to be.

Evoke in me

Integrity

Resiliency

Don’t bury me

Save effigies

This

will

not

be

My eulogy.

A painless euthanasia

A love I kept

Died yesterday

As silently as sleep

A painless euthanasia

There was no need

To weep

No one came in mourning

As I held it

Still and cold

So all alone, I buried it

My churchyard,

Vast and old.

Birthday

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This birthday brings no joy.

I kneel before this stone.

Sorrow fills my heart.

I must celebrate alone.

Could I make your wish,

I’d close my eyes so tight.

No candles would I extinguish,

If yours could only light.

No presents wrapped in silken bows —

One gift have I to give

To you, dear friend, a promise —

In me, you’ll always live.