Bathsheba Dailey's Blog, page 2

Bully verses bullied

My daughter has an issue that i just really do not understand. She allows herself to be bullied by who she says are her friends, this has now went on for three years and there is no ending in sight. She says she cannot make friends with preps because they go around school acting worse than the tough girl bullies. They know they have money and they use that to belittle the other children. She told me that i would be shocked to know some of the girls who do this and then act like they are innocent when around adults. I told her that is nothing new but to ignore them and move on. I told her that i may seen like an old lady to her now but "not so very long ago" < this made her laugh< that I also was in school and that i know there is a group just right for her if she would just try to meet other girls. She is very persistent on staying in her little group and I just wish I knew why. She is in therapy and she has a lady who comes to the house once a week to take her out and also try to help her through this time. I feel like i am at the end of my rope and i have tried everything in the book to get her to realize she is so much more than what they have her believing. The one time even told her she was ugly because of her freckles and that she needed to bleach them off. She was in the bathroom getting a bath and i smelled bleach really strong and went out searching for it, it was her at the bathroom sink trying to bleach off her freckles. She could have gotten that in her eyes or anything and went blind but she didn't care because it was what her so called friends told her to do. Through all of this she has not been the perfect kid, she got so out of hand and tried to fit in to where I thought for a minute she would have to go to a long term group home but after a lot of therapy and a two weeks stint at a hospital she came out so much better. The problem was having to send her right back to the place that landed her there the begin with. It seems like the more she works to do better the more they work to bring her down, where does the line get drawn? What needs to happen for schools to put a real effort in stopping the bullying? Is it going to take one of our kids to be on the news to stop what is going on in school? Have you seen it, kids killing kids or themselves just to escape the torment they have to endure at school because the adults are not protecting them the way that they should be. I have luckily found someone in the school who keeps an eye out more now but it took a lot of tears and calling the board of education to get there. It is sad when your stomach is in knots all day wondering if your child is okay or if she will finally take all that she can and come out punching. I do not want her to do that because then it will not matter how badly these girls have treated her for three years, it will only matter what she done in a flash of a second and the truth is that is not right but until someone does something this will continue on being the case in our schools. On the other hand I truly believe bullies are not just bulling for the heck of it. They have some deeper issue that has turned them this way. Whether it is a home issue or one that is just in their mind. They are maybe bullied at home or see a parent that bullies 'WHICH HAPPENS ALL THE TIME". They may feel insecure about themselves in some sort of a way and bulling releases their confused emotions. I know that one of the girls who is bulling my daughter has had a lot of problems in school and she has more than once tried to tell the adults in her life about them. She feels like she is always being bullied by her stepfather and no matter how many times she tells her mother it does not matter. I also know she is now taking diet pills like they are candy and I keep wondering to myself how does her family not see this. Her and my daughter use to be very close, they both were picked on and they took up for each other but now my daughter is left to take the tormenting alone. How can I be mad at this young lady when I know that she is really a beautiful young lady deep down? I cannot help but to be mad at the way she treats my daughter and the hell my child goes through every single day she walks through the school doors but at the same time I wish she would get the help she is trying to show that she needs. It is a confusing issue and one that I do not know how to handle anymore. Right now though my daughter is my only worry. I hope one day she can learn how to walk away from these girls instead of putting up with the bulling. My daughter is a beautiful young girl, I hope one day she sees herself the way that I see her.   

My Autobiography

Many of you already know that I have been working on my autobiography for years but I have just really started it close to six months ago. This is a book that I really want to write but yet I fear it at the same time. How open should I be? Is there a such thing as to open? Can I write this book and think that I won't have nightmares when I finally do find sleep? Because lord knows nightmares are easily found every time I open the file to write in it. I was really working hard in it last week until two nights in a row I had such nightmares that I woke my girls up in the middle of the night. The weird thing was the dreams had nothing to do with my past at all, it was like a ghost was pulling me out of the bed by my feet. It was trying to drag me out of the bed toward the side of my bed, almost like if it could just get me off of the bed it could drag me into a black hole where I could never find myself out of. I wish I knew the meaning of that dream, am I not suppose to be writing this book or not. Is something meant to only stay in my mind and if so how will I ever heal from it. Writing has always been my release from all my pent up emotions. I feel safe from the world and even myself when I write. I will probably never know the meaning to that dream but I do know it is not going to scare me from writing about a past worth forgetting, only in my words can I forget what is always in the shadows of my mind. Do you have a journey that you wish to tell but fear to remember? I do!  You can follow my autobiography by clicking the button below Five year old death

Questionable things

Life seems to be so questionable no matter what way you look at it. You want to please so many people at once, never thinking of yourself. When you do look at yourself you have to wonder do you even deserve what everyone else has. You look and have to question what the hell drives someone to live in unhappiness when even they admit it, not only to themselves but to you. You look back at every deed and detail of the life you are living and have to shake your head. You cry for someone who is to much of a coward or to scared to take what they want and say screw everyone else. I almost just do not care anymore, if people want to live in such unhappiness or are to scared of change why should I keep my life at a standstill any longer. I look at that clock and see it ticking by so quickly that even I am scared speechless "almost". I want to scream to the top of my lungs and say what the hell is a wrong with you, why do you stand still and allow yourself to suffer for those who could care less about your deepest emotion or well being. Dragging yourself day by day to please everyone else but yourself! WHY? Because you have to do what you have to do no matter the consequence to you? I am so pissed of that I have finally realized that if someone is to scared to find their own true self and happiness how in the hell could they ever make me happy. If a person denies them self from living a full life instead of the everyday torment that they live, hiding away who they are and what they enjoy out of life just how in the hell can they make me happy. I am free willed and have decided that no one can ever dictate my life again! I do not take orders from someone who does not even understand me! I do not live as the person that they want to see but yet do not even know! I am damn well never going to allow anyone and I mean anyone to turn me into their dummy just so they can sleep at night. We all have one life to live and what we throw away today can and will never be found again! If you do not love a being for their heart, body, mind and soul and you cannot accept who they are deep down inside then you do not love them at all. I think I have finally found what I have been looking for, have you? Or do you sit with a dropper of poison running within your veins wishing you had just one once of courage to do what you have always wanted and not what you believe has to be done? Life is a funny thing, you either live it to the fullest or not at all!  

Hidden within the un-hidden

There are these words that cross my mind so much but when I try to write them down they are gone just as fast as they come to me. It sometimes bothers me because my best thoughts are the ones never written. I laugh and tell my girls I need a recorder implanted in my brain. I try with everything I have to remember what it was I had just thought of but no matter what when I write what the thought was about it never really sounds right so I just go on my way. I sit alone and ask myself why is it I dream these dreams, needs and wants but can never describe them as powerfully as I feel them. Like a single star that shines brighter than the moon ever has or the way I feel so complete when I sit by a stream or hear the ocean waves hit the shorelines. I feel so alone, but yet I feel more when I am in my own little world writing of my deepest emotions. It is so strange, wanting that person to snuggle up to but yet not wanting anyone at all. Why am I like that? Is it because I know deep down inside that there is only one person who can make my legs shake and heart race like I have just ran a marathon? Or is it because I am scared that just maybe I will fall like that again but this time ten times as hard. It is merely the fear of having what I want I suppose. A kiss in the morning to say good morning or that text that says I love you just because. The sad thing is I have that right now, well I could have that right now. I have someone who sends the most romantic songs to me in the morning and instead of replying with a awe thank you etc etc or I love you too I act like I did not get it. No I am not a cruel person or unfeeling at all, more so I feel to much. It is all and all the fear of what can happen instead of what could be. So I write about love, loss and all of the other feelings I am feeling and within my words I find myself un-hidden within the hidden! Within my own mind the un-hidden reflections of my heart shall always stand still, until I find the courage to give myself one more last chance to give my all to someone else. Life is about taking chances and being who you are deep down inside "I so dramatically tell everyone else" maybe now is the time to do as I preach, or forever hold my peace. xxx

My foster parents

I get so upset when I see so much negativity surrounding foster care. I know there is foster care families out there that do not need to be doing foster care but when will we here about the ones who should be doing it. The people who take kids into their homes and are such a positive on the children. Not all families do foster care for the money, the truth is most do not do it for the money at all. They do it for other reasons, their children are grown and they miss being a parent, they have such a great love for children that they cannot see their lives without them in their lives, they want children but cannot have any of their own or for a lot of foster parents they want to help those who cannot help themselves. Why do we not hear of these stories? Why are so many people persistent on getting the children back with their families? Has it ever crossed their minds that there is a reason for children to be placed in foster care? Sure there are cases and maybe a lot of cases where the state crosses the line and the worker just wants that extra bonus for destroying a families life, but there are just as many workers out there that want to protect abused children. People are so negative in life that they wouldn't see a positive if it was right in front of them. It is sad to see so many stories about bad foster parents and no stories of the great ones. My story of my experiences in foster care will go into more detail in my upcoming novel "Five Year Old Death", for now I will just go into it a little bit. I was just getting ready to turn fifth-teen when I was yet placed in another home. I had already been in shelters and a group home and even a foster home where the father was a drunk, this would be foster care gone wrong example. When I was fourteen I was being placed into yet another home and I remember so clearly the very first words I said to the new foster mother "I am not going anywhere with that bitch". I was reassured that it was only going to be for the weekend so I went with her. By the time the weekend was over I did not want to leave so they allowed me to stay with what would be my last foster family. I finally had a home and people surrounding me who I loved and that loved me back, I had not had that since I lived with my Aunt Angie. We done all the things that real families done. They took us on vacation with them just as they did their own daughter even knowing for any night we did not sleep in our beds they did not get a dime for. They could have easily left us foster kids in another home while they were gone but they refused to and we all know more money is spent on vacation than if you are at home. We went to the beach every single year and once we were gone for more than the couple weeks we were expected to be gone. We became so close that the agency started worrying if I would be able to make it on my own away from my new found family so they set me up in my own home and I would have had many opportunities if I had stayed past 18 but it was my own decision to sign out of foster care. This did not stop my relationship with the foster family that I had lived with. We were still close, my foster mom and dad paid for my wedding just as any parent would, my foster mom was in the room when I had all of my babies and they were still there 15 years later when I divorced. They encouraged me to stick with business school when I was ready to give up many of times. They have and will always be my parents, it would be nice to hear more stories of successful homes instead of always acting like foster parents are these evil people. My foster father passed away last September, I did not feel like my FOSTER father died that day. I felt like my FATHER died that day, the one who took me to karate and helped me with my homework, the one who walked me down the isle on my wedding day. The man who taught me how to fish, so well that I could have probably out fished him any day! Just once I would love to hear stories about the good and not always about the bad! Do you have a foster care story that was a positive? If so leave you story in the comments and I will make sure to approve it

May 04th, 2013

I want the fairytale romance that will never come into my life for it has already been here, but once again it left me driving down the road on four wheels taking any dreams I may have had with him. I want to sit in a rocking chair and not say one word to my mate but yet hear a thousand stories through his heartbeat. I search for that person that you never have to see but yet you can read him with just the silence of his nothing.

May 04th, 2013

You know there is one memory that has always and will probably always haunt my dreams and past memories and it has nothing to do with rape, molestation, beatings or mental abuse. It is the face my aunt had when she seen me excited when I seen my mother for the first time in a very long time. It was a feeling that even as an adult I cannot understand myself. I felt this happiness within her presence, just being close to her and she seemed just as happy to see me. I was merely a child and I needed that love from my mother, why do we feel that we need that connection when we know heartbreak is only a beat away? I needed it and always had needed it. She gave birth to me and I still remembered the days when she was braiding my hair and tucking me away to bed with a bedtime story. It was not the allowance of men to use me for their own needs and pleasures that lingered on my mind, it was the mother that she use to be. I am thirty six years old and I am still searching for her, for the childhood kiss that will always be remembered, the go go go as I am sliding into home base at a softball game. How can a person in their right mind forget the pain and suffering that was given to them? How can we forget all of the tormented nights that we suffered through at the hands of the one person who was always to keep you safe? We're human is how, we cannot stop the connection that we have had since birth, we want to go back into time and change so much but yet none of it is changeable so we let ourselves only remember what we wish to remember. I will always love and hate my mother until my dying day. I will always wish for her best interest and safety even though she stopped caring about mine at a very young age. I will always have that hope that she will show her face and give me those answers that I know she will never admit to herself or me. It is like a pregnant woman craving her pickles and ice cream and no words or rolled eyes will ever change what is in the deepest part of your heart that is always to hide in the shadows of denial. To my aunt whom I hurt so much on that fateful day that would lead a 12 year old on her own and then in the states name, you will and have always been one of the people in my life who showed me what life is really about, family, love, hope and fulfillment. A child knows not what they NEED, they only know what they WANT and I so badly wanted the mother that a five year old remembered. I love you and I am sorry that you ever had to feel the pain that you felt when I picked what I wanted and not what I needed. You have always been in my heart and always will as a positive, not a negative

May 03rd, 2013

I have three beautiful girls, Kristen is 14, Amanda is 12 and Kathrine is 8 years old. We like to say we have girl power and have a girls home only since my divorce from their father. We have had many struggles since my divorce but in the process we have grown closer than we ever were. I have just graduated from business school and am ready to use my degree to help better provide for my children. I use to fret because their father is not at all about paying his child support but now I am just determined to do it on my own. I know one day even if now my girls will always know it was their mother who stood by them and done all that she could to make them have all that they needed and most of what the just want in life. I have four poetry books out that can be found on "My Books" tab. I am now working on a autobiography of my past starting at the age of five years old. It will take you through the torments of a five year old who was molested by her babysitters boyfriend and then the falling apart of hers and her families life. I use to hide my feelings and take what was given, I had so many thoughts but I masked them away within my heart never to be told even after I finally ended up in the states name. I would however write them down and tuck them away from prying eyes, this in when poetry became something I highly enjoyed and even needed to survive through the thoughts of a battered mind. I am also the creator of "Sinfully Alive" black poetess. Under my alter ego I found that I could release my anger and regrets fully within people deciding to go on a witch hunt or my peers looking at me any different. You can find poetry and her Facebook link by going to the "Sinfully Alive" tab. I am in the process of putting her poetry book together and once my autobiography is done I will be completing her already started novel. I will be posting updates on all of my books under "About the author" tab. This will also be where I show off my girls and how we spend our NORMAL everyday lives. I will also use this tab for my deepest thoughts and emotions that haunt me from day to day, what I feel, wish for and even my questioning thoughts. This is my hide away from poetry and books, this page is meant just for the everyday life we all have even on our busiest day's. Thank you for joining me in what I hope is a new life and beginning. A new beginning is better than an old ending!