Mona Hodgson's Blog, page 6

What Everyone Should Know About Panic Disorder

Let me introduce you to my friend, JJ.

During my first experience seeing JJ Heller and her hubby Dave on the stage at a women’s retreat in September, the Smothers Brothers came to mind. (I know…you’re probably too young to remember the Smothers Brothers Show.) The recollection had nothing to do with the couple’s stellar song writing and melodious voices. Everything to do with Dave’s droll wit. So fun! And their time onstage so soul-feeding.

If you ever have the opportunity to see JJ and Dave perform live, run don’t walk to the venue. In the meantime, you can follow JJ on YouTube or Facebook. Below JJ’s post, you’ll find links to JJ’s music.

by JJ Heller

Perhaps like me, you struggle with fear. You’re not alone, you’re not going crazy and God is not disappointed with you.

Something that was and is really important on my own journey of healing is hearing other people’s stories, so here is a bit of mine.

I first started dealing with panic attacks, also known as panic disorder, in 2003 when, all within a span of one month, my husband, Dave, and I graduated from college, got married, moved to another state and decided to pursue music as a career. My body didn’t know how to handle the stress.

Because of my strange health symptoms, I was convinced I was dying of something.

The physical reactions seemed to come out of nowhere and would scare the living daylights out of me. I would be sitting on the couch and all of a sudden I would notice my fingers starting to tingle and go numb, my heart would start pounding, I’d have trouble breathing, and I’d feel dizzy like I might pass out. It was terrifying.

On several occasions I went to the doctor to figure out what was wrong, and each time I was told I was incredibly healthy. I had a heart monitor hooked up for 24 hours, but even that reported I was healthy.

Instead of feeling relieved, I grew frustrated that they couldn’t find the cause of my symptoms, and I was still convinced it was only a matter of days until I would be knocking on death’s door. It wasn’t until I started doing my own research that I discovered I wasn’t dying.

I was having panic attacks.

I hadn’t considered that possibility because I thought panic attacks (also called panic episodes) were all psychological, but my symptoms weren’t just in my head. I was feeling strange symptoms in my body. After I realized I was suffering from panic disorder, I was relieved I wasn’t dying.

Then I was faced with the challenge of figuring out how to make the awful panic attacks stop happening.

Then came the challenge of figuring out how to make the panic attacks stop.
Click To Tweet

It’s been a really long, tough road. I’ve done a ton of work with a great counselor who has encouraged me to let others know about my experience. She said that anxiety is often coupled with a lack of assertiveness, which makes sense to me. I am definitely not assertive by nature, so boldness is something I’ve been working on.

The more I share about my experience with anxiety, the less I feel trapped by it.

When I speak up and use my voice, it helps me get out of the mindset that I’m powerless and I can’t handle the hardships of life.

If you’re suffering from symptoms associated with panic, please know that you’re not the only one experiencing these feelings, and you’re not a bad Christian.

I hope my practical tips are helpful.

 

Practical Tip #1

Find at least one safe person in your life to be your sounding board about your struggle. Let them know when you’re having a hard time. Sometimes even the act of speaking your fears out loud takes most of the power out of those fears.

In talking to my counselor, I realized that I was under the impression I was doing something wrong. I would think to myself, “If I could just pray more,” or “If I was stronger then I could get better.”

I discovered that even though God doesn’t like to see me suffer, He is still using my anxiety and panic attacks to remind me that He is in control and that I can’t do this on my own.

It is by God’s grace that I can face each day, and know in my heart that He is good, and He’s going to take care of me.

When I obsess about the future and all of the possible worst case scenarios, I’m expressing my desire for control.

I want God to do what I think is best instead of trusting His plan for my life. I’m learning that the more I’m willing to let go of that control, the more peace I feel.

 

Practical Tip #2

When you start having scary or anxious thoughts, it’s helpful to focus on them for a minute, and then counter them with a statement of truth. That way they’re not always swimming around under the surface, causing you to feel unsettled.

When you have anxious thoughts, counter them with a statement of truth.
Click To Tweet

For example, if your scary thought is, “What if I just keep getting worse and start to go crazy, etc.,” take a second to think (or say out loud), “God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power and love and a sound mind. I’m not crazy. The fear will pass.”

“For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.” 2 Timothy 1:17, NIV

Or if you’re like me and you swear that your latest cough is an indication that you’re dying of lung cancer, take a moment to tell yourself, “I am a healthy person. It’s very unlikely that I’m going to die from this cough. I can wait a few days to see if this gets worse, and if it does I can get medicine.”

The important thing is to remind yourself of what you know is true.

You can figure out scripture and truths that resonate with you. I know that thinking this way has really helped me. If you want to take this exercise one step further, it’s even more helpful to write it all down.

 

Practical Tip #3

Write down every scary thought, then underneath it write the truth. It is a bit time-consuming, but it’s really effective. When I did this, I eventually came to the place where I was so tired of writing down my scary, worried thoughts that I would stop them mid-thought so I wouldn’t have to pull out my notepad!

Several years ago, someone gave me a 15-week [CD and workbook program called “Attacking Anxiety and Depression” by Lucinda Bassett. It was really helpful for me, but the program costs several hundred dollars.

If the CD and workbook program is out of your price range, Lucinda wrote a book that summarizes a lot of the concepts in the program. The book is called From Panic to Power and it has tons of practical tools to help you overcome panic. The title is a little self-help-y, but there’s a lot of good content in the book.

It’s interesting to note that Lucinda’s 15-week program was originally an infomercial. If I had known this at the start, I don’t think I would’ve pursued it, but I’m very glad I did! The Lord used the program to bring a tremendous amount of healing to me.

 

Practical Tip #4

Remind yourself what’s happening. Another thing that really helped me when I was starting to panic was to tell myself, “I know what this is. This is just a panic attack. It doesn’t hurt, and it always goes away.” Lucinda Bassett explained that the panic attacks will only go away when you’re not afraid of them anymore (which is really frustrating sometimes!).

I eventually came to a point when I would have a panic attack, instead of being afraid of it, I was annoyed that I had to wait for it to pass.

From that point, the panic attacks began happening less and less until they eventually stopped. God is so good!

 

Anxiety and panic are still a part of my life, but I have the tools to face them now. I’m in a better place now than I have been in years.

When I feel myself slipping into fear, I tell the people whom I love and trust, and then I ask for prayer.

The key is to not let yourself get isolated in your fear. Isolation only makes you feel more trapped and panicked. It’s hard to admit what’s going on with you to your friends and family, but it’s really important!

Remember to find at least one safe person in your life who you can be completely vulnerable with regarding panic (preferably more). I’m so thankful to say that I haven’t had a full-blown panic attack for years.

When I was in the darkest time of my panic disorder, I was having multiple panic attacks every day. I actually have very few memories of those years because I was so focused on myself and what my body was feeling. I’m choosing to give myself grace for that, but at the same time I’m sad about all of the beauty, laughter and adventures I missed out on.

A life of fear is not the kind of life God wants for me and it’s not what He wants for you.

A life of fear is not the kind of life God wants for us.
Click To Tweet

God wants you to live a full life. That means it will be full of comfort and risk; adventure and monotony; joy and fear. Through it all, we need to remember that each day is a gift we did nothing to earn.

May you feel His prfect peace,

jj

Note: This post was adapted from “You’re Not Going Crazy,” you can read JJ’s original post here.

 

JJ wrote the songs on her album Painted Red while she was in the middle of her most difficult part of her struggle with anxiety.

She wrote her album Sound of a Living Heart as a way to explore what it means to thrive in her life rather than just living to survive another day.

Don’t miss watching the video for At My Table, written by JJ and her hubby Dave. Sooooo good!

At My Table

 

The post What Everyone Should Know About Panic Disorder appeared first on Mona Hodgson.

What Everyone Should Know About Panic Attacks

Let me introduce you to my friend, JJ.

During my first experience seeing JJ Heller and her hubby Dave on the stage at a women’s retreat in September, the Smothers Brothers came to mind. (I know…you’re probably too young to remember the Smothers Brothers Show.) The recollection had nothing to do with the couple’s stellar song writing and melodious voices. Everything to do with Dave’s droll wit. So fun! And their time onstage so soul-feeding.

If you ever have the opportunity to see JJ and Dave perform live, run don’t walk to the venue. In the meantime, you can follow JJ on YouTube or Facebook. Below JJ’s post, you’ll find links to JJ’s music.

by JJ Heller

Perhaps like me, you struggle with fear. You’re not alone, you’re not going crazy and God is not disappointed with you.

Something that was and is really important on my own journey of healing is hearing other people’s stories, so here is a bit of mine.

I first started dealing with panic attacks in 2003 when, all within a span of one month, my husband, Dave, and I graduated from college, got married, moved to another state and decided to pursue music as a career. My body didn’t know how to handle the stress.

Because of my strange health symptoms, I was convinced I was dying of something.

The physical reactions seemed to come out of nowhere and would scare the living daylights out of me. I would be sitting on the couch and all of a sudden I would notice my fingers starting to tingle and go numb, my heart would start pounding, I’d have trouble breathing, and I’d feel dizzy like I might pass out. It was terrifying.

On several occasions I went to the doctor to figure out what was wrong, and each time I was told I was incredibly healthy. I had a heart monitor hooked up for 24 hours, but even that reported I was healthy.

Instead of feeling relieved, I grew frustrated that they couldn’t find the cause of my symptoms, and I was still convinced it was only a matter of days until I would be knocking on death’s door. It wasn’t until I started doing my own research that I discovered I wasn’t dying.

I was having panic attacks.

I hadn’t considered that possibility because I thought panic attacks (also called panic episodes) were all psychological, but my symptoms weren’t just in my head. I was feeling strange symptoms in my body. After I realized I was suffering from panic disorder, I was relieved I wasn’t dying.

Then I was faced with the challenge of figuring out how to make the awful panic attacks stop happening.

Then came the challenge of figuring out how to make the panic attacks stop.
Click To Tweet

It’s been a really long, tough road. I’ve done a ton of work with a great counselor who has encouraged me to let others know about my experience. She said that anxiety is often coupled with a lack of assertiveness, which makes sense to me. I am definitely not assertive by nature, so boldness is something I’ve been working on.

The more I share about my experience with anxiety, the less I feel trapped by it.

When I speak up and use my voice, it helps me get out of the mindset that I’m powerless and I can’t handle the hardships of life.

If you’re suffering from symptoms associated with panic, please know that you’re not the only one experiencing these feelings, and you’re not a bad Christian.

I hope my practical tips are helpful.

 

Practical Tip #1

Find at least one safe person in your life to be your sounding board about your struggle. Let them know when you’re having a hard time. Sometimes even the act of speaking your fears out loud takes most of the power out of those fears.

In talking to my counselor, I realized that I was under the impression I was doing something wrong. I would think to myself, “If I could just pray more,” or “If I was stronger then I could get better.”

I discovered that even though God doesn’t like to see me suffer, He is still using my anxiety and panic attacks to remind me that He is in control and that I can’t do this on my own.

It is by God’s grace that I can face each day, and know in my heart that He is good, and He’s going to take care of me.

When I obsess about the future and all of the possible worst case scenarios, I’m expressing my desire for control.

I want God to do what I think is best instead of trusting His plan for my life. I’m learning that the more I’m willing to let go of that control, the more peace I feel.

 

Practical Tip #2

When you start having scary or anxious thoughts, it’s helpful to focus on them for a minute, and then counter them with a statement of truth. That way they’re not always swimming around under the surface, causing you to feel unsettled.

When you have anxious thoughts, counter them with a statement of truth.
Click To Tweet

For example, if your scary thought is, “What if I just keep getting worse and start to go crazy, etc.,” take a second to think (or say out loud), “God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power and love and a sound mind. I’m not crazy. The fear will pass.”

“For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.” 2 Timothy 1:17, NIV

Or if you’re like me and you swear that your latest cough is an indication that you’re dying of lung cancer, take a moment to tell yourself, “I am a healthy person. It’s very unlikely that I’m going to die from this cough. I can wait a few days to see if this gets worse, and if it does I can get medicine.”

The important thing is to remind yourself of what you know is true.

You can figure out scripture and truths that resonate with you. I know that thinking this way has really helped me. If you want to take this exercise one step further, it’s even more helpful to write it all down.

 

Practical Tip #3

Write down every scary thought, then underneath it write the truth. It is a bit time-consuming, but it’s really effective. When I did this, I eventually came to the place where I was so tired of writing down my scary, worried thoughts that I would stop them mid-thought so I wouldn’t have to pull out my notepad!

Several years ago, someone gave me a 15-week [CD and workbook program called “Attacking Anxiety and Depression” by Lucinda Bassett. It was really helpful for me, but the program costs several hundred dollars.

If the CD and workbook program is out of your price range, Lucinda wrote a book that summarizes a lot of the concepts in the program. The book is called From Panic to Power and it has tons of practical tools to help you overcome panic. The title is a little self-help-y, but there’s a lot of good content in the book.

It’s interesting to note that Lucinda’s 15-week program was originally an infomercial. If I had known this at the start, I don’t think I would’ve pursued it, but I’m very glad I did! The Lord used the program to bring a tremendous amount of healing to me.

 

Practical Tip #4

Remind yourself what’s happening. Another thing that really helped me when I was starting to panic was to tell myself, “I know what this is. This is just a panic attack. It doesn’t hurt, and it always goes away.” Lucinda Bassett explained that the panic attacks will only go away when you’re not afraid of them anymore (which is really frustrating sometimes!).

I eventually came to a point when I would have a panic attack, instead of being afraid of it, I was annoyed that I had to wait for it to pass.

From that point, the panic attacks began happening less and less until they eventually stopped. God is so good!

 

Anxiety and panic are still a part of my life, but I have the tools to face them now. I’m in a better place now than I have been in years.

When I feel myself slipping into fear, I tell the people whom I love and trust, and then I ask for prayer.

The key is to not let yourself get isolated in your fear. Isolation only makes you feel more trapped and panicked. It’s hard to admit what’s going on with you to your friends and family, but it’s really important!

Remember to find at least one safe person in your life who you can be completely vulnerable with regarding panic (preferably more). I’m so thankful to say that I haven’t had a full-blown panic attack for years.

When I was in the darkest time of my panic disorder, I was having multiple panic attacks every day. I actually have very few memories of those years because I was so focused on myself and what my body was feeling. I’m choosing to give myself grace for that, but at the same time I’m sad about all of the beauty, laughter and adventures I missed out on.

A life of fear is not the kind of life God wants for me and it’s not what He wants for you.

A life of fear is not the kind of life God wants for us.
Click To Tweet

God wants you to live a full life. That means it will be full of comfort and risk; adventure and monotony; joy and fear. Through it all, we need to remember that each day is a gift we did nothing to earn.

May you feel His prfect peace,

jj

Note: This post was adapted from “You’re Not Going Crazy,” you can read JJ’s original post here.

 

JJ wrote the songs on her album Painted Red while she was in the middle of her most difficult part of her struggle with anxiety.

She wrote her album Sound of a Living Heart as a way to explore what it means to thrive in her life rather than just living to survive another day.

Don’t miss watching the video for At My Table, written by JJ and her hubby Dave. Sooooo good!

At My Table

 

The post What Everyone Should Know About Panic Attacks appeared first on Mona Hodgson.

A Cheat Sheet for Defeating Distractions

During a stroll between morning meetings, I ducked into my favorite building on the grounds of the Mount Hermon Conference Center. The A-framed chapel ranks high on my list of favorite places to visit.

With each foot-lift on the redwood steps, the tightness in my shoulders eased.

A time-worn wooden pew welcomed me. As I settled against a corner at the end of the pew, my breathing slowed and my spirit quieted.

The chapel provided a perfect place for pondering and praising. The perfect place for shifting my heart away from niggling details and temporal concerns, to return my attention to the Divine and the eternal.

Seated in solitude, I gazed from the sheaves of golden wheat pictured in the stained glass to the evergreen-draped redwoods towering outside the window. Massive reminders of my Father’s faithfulness.

When my attention settled on the cross, praise to my Savior–my Salvation, my sustenance, and my strength–poured from my lips.

Then. I. Looked. Down.

Not at the water beneath my feet like Peter did, but at my lap, where a side seam on my skirt ran over my knees.

Sigh.

I’d like to say I seamlessly raised my gaze to the cross. That ignoring the trivial distraction, I snapped my thoughts back to the One I love. That I, without hesitation, resumed my adoration of Him.

I’m afraid not.

Instead, I chased skirt-seam rabbits down a trail of sidetracking questions. How long had my skirt been twisted? All morning? In the nine o’clock meeting? Why hadn’t anyone told me?

Unable to answer my own niggling questions, I finally stood and twisted the seam back into place.

How is it that I can be so easily distracted by the external in such a heavenward-inspiring setting as the historic chapel?

I set out, no matter what inconsequential distractions come my way, to keep my focus centered on God. On praising Him. Listening for His still small voice. Following His lead. But I struggle with the decoy of distractions.

Perhaps you, too, grapple with disruptions.

Listen to what Paul wrote in Romans 7:15. “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.”

The Apostle Paul admits his kindred-spirit tendencies. He wrestled with inward and outward distractions, too.

We’re not alone, sisters.

At times, trivial concerns and external appearances take our eyes off of the One we love.

If allowed, daily details will set up camp in our thoughts, steal our attention, and rob us of peace and joy.

If allowed, daily details will steal our attention, and rob us of peace and joy.
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It might be something someone said, did or didn’t do that distracts us. A malfunctioning dishwasher. A howling dog. A daunting decision begging to be made. A rocky relationship. A loss. We could add to the list all day long, right?

If you’re like me (and Paul), you will look away from your good intentions and be distracted by the trivial.

Sometimes, more than others, our thoughts and affections easily derail from dwelling in God’s presence.

Sometimes our thoughts and affections are easily derailed from dwelling in God’s presence.
Click To Tweet

But we can become distracted without being defeated. Here are five tips that help me remain focused or restore my focus.

• Remember: distractions happen. Watch for those shifts in your focus.

• Recognize the emotional derailment when distraction happens.

• Tend to a distraction that requires your immediate attention.

• Be intentional about not letting the distraction(s) rule your heart.

• Turn your eyes upon Jesus. Again, and again, if necessary.

Settled back on the pew, I lifted my gaze to the cross, now draped in light and shadows.

Shifting my attention, I said, “That just happened didn’t it, Lord? Please forgive me. I’m back. Thank you for being here–knowing and patient, waiting and ready to pick up where I left off.”

 

What kinds of distractions do you struggle with most?

What works best for you when you sense a distraction getting the best of you?

 

Click here to read Sarah Forgrave’s guest post, 5 Easy Ways to Stay Focused While You Pray.

 

The post A Cheat Sheet for Defeating Distractions appeared first on Mona Hodgson.

3 Things Perfectionists Won’t Tell You

Confessions of a (Recovering) Perfectionist came to mind as my initial title for this post. I know something about the dodgy distraction of pursuing perfection.

I’m acquainted with the compulsion to get everything right. To be right. All of the time.

Not long ago I was paralyzed by one version or another of the perfectionist’s creed: “If you can’t do something right, don’t bother to doing it,” or “If you’re going to do something, do it right.”

Yes, well, a perfectionist’s auto response to that kind of pressure includes a hefty dose of procrastination fueled by self-doubt and fear of failure.

There’s more. More often than not, the perfectionist sports a critical spirit, calling herself and others to answer unrealistic and exhausting expectations. Sigh.

Can you relate? We’re not alone.

Never mind that all-around perfect isn’t an option for earth-bound humans, the deceptive path to picture perfect is a crowded dead-end.

The deceptive path to picture perfect is a crowded dead-end.
Click To Tweet

Wondering if you might be wrestling perfectionist tendencies? Answering the following questions might help:

• Are you an obsessive rule follower and enforcer?

• Do the people around you consistently fall short of your expectations?

• Does the prospect of making a mistake rob you of sleep?

• Are you only proud of your work if someone praises you for it?

• Do you have trouble bouncing back from a personal failure?

• Does the thought of being considered average trouble you?

• Does your sense of worth pivot with your performance?

• Do you judge yourself on how others respond to what you do or say?

• When you’ve finished a project or accomplished a goal (or someone else has), are you able to celebrate the achievement before pointing out the imperfections?

Do you have trouble bouncing back from a personal failure?
Click To Tweet

Friend, if you answered “yes” to a third or more of the questions, you’ve likely pitched your tent in the perfectionists’ camp.

But I have good news! We don’t have to remain there.

In response to a dispute recorded in John 8, Jesus said, “You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

The following truths helped set me on the path to freedom.

1. Perfectionism creates an aversion to authenticity.

The perfectionist craves acceptance, which can drive the need to perform perfectly as a means to please others.

The perfectionist craves acceptance, which can drive the need to perform perfectly as a means to…
Click To Tweet

Perfectionists strive to do the right things and say the right words, as if following a script.

Burying one’s true self beneath a façade of having it together protects us from vulnerability. But our true self is what creates an authentic connection with others.

When we’re not being our authentic selves, any acceptance from others is based on a perception arrived at by way of pretense.

 

2. Perfectionists inadvertently choose rules over relationships.

Perfectionists usually feel most comfortable in surface relationships, where one’s true way of thinking or behaving remains in the shadows. But there’s another way in which a perfectionist’s relationships suffer.

Ever been the subject of a perfectionist’s policing or (s)mothering?

If so, you know what it feels like to be under constant scrutiny. Always corrected or directed. Uncomfortable.

Why do perfectionists wrestle so with disillusionment and discontentment? Nothing’s good enough, because they don’t believe they are good enough.

Perfectionists function at odds with grace. Grace acknowledges the absence of perfection and supports our need for unmerited favor. Perfectionism makes it nigh to impossible to grasp grace, let alone extend favor to others.

Perfectionists find themselves at odds with grace.
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All of that makes perfectionism a lonely pursuit.

 

3. Perfectionists tend to see God as a critic rather than as a forgiving Father.

Perfectionistic traits and tendencies spill into every aspect of life, including our spiritual lives.

Perfectionists prefer a formula over humbly following. If I do this, that will happen. Seldom a true story. Disappointment and disillusionment follows. The performance / reward way of thinking reeks havoc on a relationship with God.

A perfectionist can’t just show up. We prefer to carry a plan for every occasion.

Toting a safe agenda makes it difficult to follow a God that isn’t predicable.

But Scripture has more good news for us! In Philippians, the Apostle Paul wrote that he was confident that He [God] who began a good work in us will carry it on to completion.

Truth is . . .

God created you and me.

God is the One who began the good work in us.

God will continue His work. To completion.

Yes, please.

 

I’d love to hear from you in the comments. Any experience with an over-the-top pursuit of perfection?

 

Click here to download 30 Bible Verses That Reach Deeper Than You Think.

Click here to read How Messes Can Help You Master Perspective.

Click here to read When Plans Go Sideways.

Click here to read 7 Liberating Facts for Testing Your To-Do List.

 

Are you an obsessive rule follower and enforcer?

The post 3 Things Perfectionists Won’t Tell You appeared first on Mona Hodgson.

When Grief Gives Way to Gifts

Let me introduce you to my friend, Becky. I’ve not yet met Rebecca Rene Jones in person. But after reading her memoir, Broken for Good: How Grief Awoke My Greatest Hopes, I feel like I’ve sipped coffee with her on the backporch at the lake house and even cast a line with her at the lake’s edge.

As the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays fast approach, the reality of an empty chair at the supper table can run us down. Because Becky’s writing is so yummy and her insights are soul satisfying, I asked her to share some refreshing thoughts on grief with us. Follow Becky on Twitter and Facebook.

by Rebecca Rene Jones

People ask how I knew that I wanted to write the book, after Dad died.

“It’s so personal, so raw. How did you know?”

Over the years, I’ve often wondered the same. Why write, and in doing so, re-live? What was there to re-visit? To unearth?

Mine was a garden-variety grief; kids bury parents. Maybe not at 18, but it’s not unnatural. And Dad died of cancer–not exactly a headline there, either.

So why a book? Why tell the story? What was there to say?

The bald truth is this: what I found on the other side of grief surprised me.

I found, of all impossible things: gifts.

And gratitude.

Three Gifts of Grief

Make no mistake: it didn’t happen overnight, and it certainly wasn’t comfortable.

God never intended for us to die, to endure the severing trauma of losing each other, and I think, in some very actual way, these fragile human hearts physically break a little.

I am praying this doesn’t sound blithe, or callous, because in my soul it is anything but. It’s just that, having lived through this–with Dad having gotten sick and died, and me having my heart kicked in, split open, and re-built from the inside–I can breathe again.

Suffering bears fruit, and even grief, in the end, brings gifts.

Suffering bears fruit, and even grief, in the end, brings gifts.
Click To Tweet

1) Grief keeps us uncomfortable.

I mean that in a good way; discomfort can be a grace disguised. Grief is like walking around a beautiful wood with a wet sock or a bad knee.

Grief is like walking around a beautiful wood with a wet sock or a bad knee.
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My mother-in-law and I went on a three-mile hike last Thanksgiving, and she has a bum knee, and forgot her brace. And as much as I knew she liked being outdoors–it was an absurdly beautiful late fall day, honeyed light filtering though the tops of the trees, thermometer brushing 60–she was ready to be done, too.

Grief does that: It keeps you eager for the walk to be over.

Not in a grouchy way, but in an honest way. It’s an ache that points due north, nudging us toward the truer country. It’s the same idea C.S. Lewis loved to write about so much, that German concept of sehnsucht, a rumbling hunger that reminds us that this world fits us wrong. Whatever we really need, we can’t find it here.

That longing is a gift, because it works like a tuning fork. It reminds you to be generous and spendy in love, now. It has a funny way of making you put others first and pursue things that don’t make any sense on paper.

2) Grief connects us to others.

2 Corinthians 1: 3-4 says:

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.”

That means: Any genuine comfort is literally some distillation of God’s original comfort, and grief scoops us out, hollows us like Halloween pumpkins, so we can be empty, working vessels; so we can literally become incubators for comfort. Bread and balm for someone else.

People ask me if it is difficult, sharing so candid a story. They actually say: “Sharing your story.” And I’m not being cheeky right now, because I know what they mean, but honestly: Whoever said it’s my story? That I alone own it? Don’t we all belong to each other?

Aren’t we admonished to love sacrificially–like Jesus, to be poured out, our lives like a drink? Maybe that starts by being a little less prudish with our struggles and sharing them, when the Spirit leads, and resisting that itchy urge to over-manage reactions and outcomes?

Brokenness paves way for community; don’t discount it.

Brokenness paves way for community; don't discount it.
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3) Grief asks all the right questions.

Some might think it’s depressing to write about loss, but I feel exactly the opposite. I think grief is a missed opportunity.

I think grief is one of only a few things that bring life to a screeching halt, slams on the brakes, and suddenly everything else seems vapid, utterly empty and pointless. I remember buying a black funeral dress, and walking the mall, flicking through racks of black frocks and looking at passers-by, thinking, Really? This is the best thing you can do with your life right now, go shopping? Go buy stuff? Soy candles?

That sounds wonderfully condescending, and of course, it was (please don’t ask where I spent yesterday afternoon). But that’s how grief works; you’re suddenly jolted wide-awake and it’s like everyone else is sleepwalking. Scales fall from your eyes, there’s such rude clarity. You can’t help but start asking all the right questions. Pressing ones, like Where is God? and Is He still good? and If He is all-present and all-powerful and all-good, well, then why this?

The hard part, I’ve learned, is that the big rumbling questions rarely lead to clean, diagrammed answers. But they often lead us somewhere better: they can lead us to see, at the very least, that God does care. That our sufferings also grieve him.

These questions–if we’re willing to honestly follow wherever they lead–so often bring us right to the feet of Jesus, the “man of sorrows,” the God who bent down and wept, who almost oozed incidental healings.

Really: people constantly interrupted Jesus, even clawed for his robe, and He couldn’t turn away; He could not not pay attention to their pain. He’d meet their eyes, and something in Him must have actually throbbed and ached.

Follow the questions, follow that ache, and you’ll see it all bubble up and boil over to the point that He silently shoulders a cross.

You’ll see Him love you so hard that He actually bleeds out.

You’ll watch God give you something far better than an answer: He’ll give you Himself.

 

To read more from Becky, order a copy of her book, Broken for Good: How Grief Awoke My Greatest Hopes.

View the book trailer for Broken for Good!

NOTE: Friends, are you receiving my monthly e-Newsletters (restarted November 1st)? If not, click here to sign up. Don’t miss the December 1 newsletter–Becky is giving away a signed copy of Broken for Good: How Grief Awake My Greatest Hopes.

 

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3 Staggering Gifts of Gratitude

You balance loose envelopes and a package in the crook of one elbow so you can pull the post office door open for a stranger. Only to watch her blithely cross the threshold with nary a glance at you, let alone a “Thank you.”

Ever gone out of your way—or not—to do something nice for a stranger or a friend or a family member without receiving even a glint of gratitude?

Why the tendency to overlook kindness?

Sad to say, I am sometimes that person. Unaware. In my head. Self-absorbed. Consequently, I’ve missed countless opportunities to express thanks for another’s thoughtful gesture or service. And I’ve squandered far too many smile opps.

Being thankful and ready to express appreciation isn’t just a common courtesy or a product of good manners, but also a spiritual practice.

Gratitude is a heart condition commissioned by God.

Gratitude is a heart condition commissioned by God.
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Colossians 3:16 says, “Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly…, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts.”

A grateful spirit grows from a root of thankfulness to God for who He is and what He’s done for us, and in us. Thrives in a heart turned toward God with praise and thanksgiving.

A grateful spirit grows from a root of thankfulness to God for who He is and what He’s done.
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As is true with other spiritual practices such as confession, humility, reading God’s Word, praying, meditating on Scripture, stillness before God, fasting, etc., God is faithful to bestow benefits. To gives good gifts. (James 1:17)

I’ve rounded up three of many staggering gifts that stem from an attitude of gratitude:

1. Gratitude Strengthens Relationships

You have two people in your line of vision at the farmer’s market or in the church foyer.

You know the one person to be in nature positive and uplifting.

The other you know is time after time negative and emotionally draining.

Which person do you gravitate toward?

My natural instinct is to avoid a chronic complainer whenever possible; to deepen relationships with people who cultivate gratitude not grumbling.

Gratitude creates a positive connection.

Look around you, I’ll be surprised if you don’t discover that grateful people have more authentic, deeper friendships than chronic complainers do.

2. Gratitude Promotes Contentment

Gratitude makes us thankful for what we have. Being grateful for what we have takes the focus off of what we don’t have, which leads to contentment.

Contentment is another spiritual practice found in Scripture. In Hebrews 13:5, the Apostle Paul writes, “Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”

We can be content with what we have because we can believe what God says. We have Him, and He will never leave us. He won’t forsake us.

Relationship with Almighty God provides us with the ultimate reason to give thanks. And placing our trust in Him changes our perspective.

3. Gratitude Guards Your Heart

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”

Nothing vague about Solomon’s admonition and declaration in Proverbs 4:23. Our hearts need guarded. What’s in our hearts determines how we live.

What are we guarding our hearts against?

Fear. (2 Timothy 1:7, Psalm 112:7)

Bitterness. (Hebrews 12:15)

Grumbling. (Philippians2:14)

Greed. (Proverbs 28:25)

Gossip. (Proverbs 11:13)

To name a few.

A spiritual posture of thanksgiving requires humility. Humility acknowledges my need for God and others. And when I set my mind and heart on giving thanks and offering praise, I’ve placed a guard.

Choosing and practicing gratitude gives your spirit wings to fly above the fray.

Choosing and practicing gratitude gives your spirit wings to fly above the fray.
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Prayer: I praise you, Lord God, for the works of Your hands and Your heart. Help me to remember your greatness and your goodness, and to live in an attitude of gratitude toward You and other. Thank You! In Jesus’ name, amen.

What other benefits or gifts of gratitude can you name?

 

Want to read more?

How Humbling Yourself in Your Time of Need changes everything

How Messes Can Help You Master Perspective

7 Liberating Facts for Testing Your To-Do List

 

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How to Listen Like the Best Friend Ever

Nothing like a lesson in listening during lunch on a Thursday with me, myself, and I.

I ordered my Chili’s menu favorite—Caribbean Salad with Grilled Chicken. Next, I pulled a file folder from my tote, ready to edit a book chapter while waiting for the greens adorned with pineapple, mandarin oranges, dried cranberries, green onions, cilantro, chicken, and more.

Before I got my head into marking up the manuscript, my 30-something waitress greeted her customer and friend seated in the booth in front of mine. A couple minutes later, she slid onto the bench across from her older friend and began recounting a personal saga that involved her troubled teenage son.

I perused the pile of papers in my folder while employing a few techniques I learned as a writer studying people for character research.

Here’s what I observed:

The listening friend’s chin drooped.

Her eyes narrowed in empathy.

A sad sigh lifted her shoulders and dropped them.

Her hand reached across the table to lock fingers with her friend.

Her mouth seldom moved as she listened. What?!

That’s what compassion and sisterhood look like. That’s what we want in a best friend, right?

Someone centered on listening and empathy, and slow to speak.

I knew someone who couldn’t hear a friend’s story without feeling like it was her job to “fix” the problem with arbitrary explanations and pat answers. Like a bossy, know-it-all big sister.

Okay, that might have been me. Wink. Wink.

When my salad popped up on the cook’s shelf, the waitress stood and squeezed her friend’s hand. “I feel better,” she said, her voice stronger. “Thanks for listening.”

The mostly quiet but supportive friend offered the younger woman a smile, a nod, and a thumbs-up, leaving me with food for thought.

The best kind of friend knows it’s not her place to have all the answers. She understands that empty words can be deceitful, harmful. (Ephesians 5:6) 

The best kind of friend knows it's not her place to have all the answers.
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The best kind of friend “hears” better because she isn’t trying to formulate “spiritual” answers to “fix” the feelings or solve the struggle.
The best kind of friend understands that we all need a safe space in which to voice heartache and sort out facts and feelings. We all long for a friend who will throw out tired and trite cliches, and listen. Hear us. Am I right?

The best kind of friend understands we all need a safe space for voicing heartache.
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The best kind of friend doesn’t offer a hyper-emotional reaction, dragging the storyteller deeper into the heartache. Instead, she sends her friend away feeling seen, heard, and hopeful.

The best kind of friend is well-acquainted with restraint. Listening well always wins over saying something– anything–simply to fill uncomfortable silence or attempt to answer questions only God can answer.

The best kind of friend is well-acquainted with restraint.
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I’m not saying a best friend won’t and shouldn’t speak truth or offer wise counsel. But let’s do first things first.

Listen well.

Pray for wisdom.

Lean into the Holy Spirit to give us life-giving words. (Luke 12:12)

Our challenge is to listen while breathing a prayer for an apt reply–a timely word to refresh the hurting.

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5 Easy Ways to Stay Focused While You Pray

Let me introduce you to my friend, Sarah.

Motivated by her own serious and chronic health struggles, Sarah Forgrave became a wellness coach who loves encouraging others in their health and faith journeys. Then she wrote a book, Prayers for Hope and Healing: Seeking God’s Strength as You Face Health Challenges. When Sarah isn’t writing or teaching, she loves to shop at Trader Joe’s or spend time with her husband and two children in their Midwest home. You can connect with Sarah on Facebook and Pinterest.

by Sarah Forgrave

If you’re anything like me, sometimes when you attempt to pray the next thing you know your mind is wandering to the grocery list, the kids’ schedule for the day, or what you’re going to make for breakfast.

Distraction happens. Especially when our intention is to pray.
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I’m not saying I have this thing mastered by any means, but I recently realized my prayer life has been much more focused lately.

Taking a closer look, I discovered some patterns that have helped me stay connected during prayer. So I thought I’d share them today, along with a couple other suggestions that friends have found helpful.

5 patterns to help you stay focused during prayer.
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Write down a brief agenda before you start to pray.

I know, I know. That sounds so boring and un-spiritual-like. But if you at least have a few things written on paper, you can check in if your mind wanders.

2.  Use journaling as a blueprint for prayer.

This is something I love to do! In my morning quiet time, I journal my victories from yesterday, a takeaway from my devotion or Bible reading, and goals for today. (Learn more and download a free printable template at this link.)

During my prayer time, I start by looking at my victories from the previous day and praise God for His attributes that I saw at work. I thank Him for answers to prayer. I ask for wisdom and guidance related to the challenge I’ve been given in God’s Word. Then I move on to my goals for the day and pray through them, getting specific wherever possible.

Pray for yourself and your family by walking through your days in prayer.

I’ve started praying for my husband and kids this way and love it. For example, I might pray specifically for my kids’ days at school, starting with their morning work and asking God to help them concentrate. Then I might move on to lunch and recess, praying that they’ll find good friends to play with and set a good example for others in their classes. I do a similar prayer exercise for my husband and then myself.

One thing that’s fun about this is I like to share at breakfast how I prayed for each person specifically. I tell my kids, “This is what I prayed for you today. I want a report after school about how it went.” This gives them something to keep in mind throughout their day and is a sneaky way to give them goals to work towards.

Pray through the alphabet.

I don’t do this in my morning devotions as much as at bedtime, especially if I’m having a hard time going to sleep. But it can be a great tool any time of the day. I’ve heard this idea from a couple of different sources–one who recommended praising God for his attributes from A to Z. For example, “God, I praise you because you are awesome.” Then B might be the beauty in His creation, and so on.

You can also pray through the alphabet by lifting up people’s names who start with each letter. Pray for whomever comes to mind first with an A name, then a B name, etc. It’s an easy, simple way to get your prayers going if you feel stuck or don’t know where to start.

Light a candle and place it nearby while you pray.

This can be a powerful reminder of God’s presence as you talk to Him. A friend of mine once told me this is the key that helps her stay focused during prayer time. It serves as a visual that God is right there with her.

Something for everyone in this list, from the free-spirited visual learner to the linear thinker. Hopefully, you’ve picked up some ideas to take your prayer life to the next level and stay focused while doing it!

Sarah Forgrave offers prayer tips for the free-spirited visual learner and the linear thinker.
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To read more from Sarah, pick up a copy of her new book, Prayers for Hope and Healing: Seeking God’s Strength as You Face Health Challenges.

From the back cover of Prayers for Hope and Healing:

Serious or chronic medical issues bring a litany of painful and confusing feelings that only someone else who’s been in a similar situation could possibly understand. Sarah Forgrave has walked the difficult road you find yourself on. And she empathizes with the uncertain future you face.

No matter the road ahead, you don’t have to face it alone. Even in the depths of your worst emotional and physical pain, God is right there beside you, offering His comfort, love, and peace.

 

If you’d like to read more about prayer, click here to download How Seven Influential Bible Women Coped With Conflict from the Home Page.

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How Messes Can Help You Master Perspective

For at least a dozen years, I daydreamed of gliding past awe-inspiring scenery in a posh passenger train.

A ride on Amtrak seemed a fitting party favor for celebrating forty-three years of marriage. Bound for Seattle on the final leg of our anniversary trip, my hubby and I boarded a non-stop rail ride in Vancouver, British Columbia.

I pressed my nose to the glass, centered on the surroundings as the behemoth shuddered from its perch in the station and rumbled through the train yard. Anticipation fluttered my insides as we rocked and swayed through the industrial area of Vancouver, where thick trees shrouded the suburban backdrop.

True to my daydreams, we glided past fairy tale villages. Baskets full of blooming pink and purple petunias adorned the homes and business on one side of the track. On the other, sailboats dotted the sea. Peninsulas draped in pine trees framed the water.

All too soon, the rails carried us beyond the baskets and the azure ripples along the peaceful shore.

Boards laid helter-skelter on the slope of the concrete piling at an underpass. Then the track rolled behind a warehouse. I winced at the sight of weeds, partial pallets, and tangles of plastic wrap. I didn’t want to see heaps of garbage. Give me back the flowerpots and the peaceful piers, the underpinning of my daydreams and romantic notions.

Still an hour short of our destination, the train stopped.

There—amidst the rubble.

Over the train’s intercom, the conductor explained our delay—police activity at the depot up ahead.

Twenty-five minutes later, we pulled into the station in Everett where a woman boarded, hissing like a teakettle letting off steam. “Unbelievable! That teenager was up there for an hour.” She huffed. “They should’ve just let him jump.”

My breath caught. I couldn’t have heard the woman correctly.

A hurting, desperate boy had been standing on the guardrail of an overpass, threatening to jump. And she placed more value on her convenience than on his young life?

Indignation fed my self-righteousness but not for long. My stomach roiled in recognition of a woman not far removed from the one hissing and huffing two rows up.

“And all are justified freely by His grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.“

Romans 3:24 NIV

All are justified freely by His grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. Romans 3:24
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How many people had I denied a touch of grace because I didn’t want to look at another mess?

How often have I scurried to my scheduled stop, placing my comfort above the anguish of a passerby, friend, or family member?

That teenager on the overpass needed a grace-soaked believer to step into his mess and offer hope.

We all do.

When obedience to God means a detour or delay, what then?
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I shudder at the thought of where we’d be if from the glory of heaven Jesus looked down on His creation two thousand plus years ago, shielded His eyes from the mess, and chose to focus instead on the angelic praise music flowing from harps and lyres.

Not Jesus.

Our great God doesn’t run from a mess.

Our Great God doesn't run from a mess. I'm thankful. You?
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From birth in a stable with King Herod set on annihilating Him to trudging up a hill laboring under the cross He carried on His back, Jesus jumped heart-first into our separation from God, the consequence of our sin. With a fierce love for us, Jesus closed the gap with His sacrifice and sealed the chasm shut.

Jesus was all about doing the will of His Father, even when obedience meant delays, detours, even devastation.

Lord, help me set aside my agenda, follow Your lead through the beauty and into the messes of life with Your message of hope.

 

Click here to read When Your Plans Go Sideways: 3 Secrets to Finding Your Feet Again.

 

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7 Liberating Facts for Testing Your To-Do List

Celebrated images of strength and hotness, Wonder Woman and Superwoman, both products of DC Comics, are boot clad, cape waving testaments to woman power.

From their perfectly-proportioned physique to their super hero prowess, Wonder Woman and Superwoman influence the female race, generation after generation. As does the notion that we can do everything and anything with aplomb and precision. Women of all ages—women like me—attempt to fill the boots of the imaginary Everything Woman, our cape looking more like a tunic.

Depending upon the generation or era, Everything Woman may wear a braid, a bob, or a pixie cut, but the aim is the same: Be everything to everyone.

FYI, Everything Woman most likely wears a tunic in place of a cape, and possibly a braid, a bob, or…
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My short hair doesn’t flow or flip. I don’t have an Amazon-warrior-woman bone in my body. Still, I sank my feet into the boots and donned my makeshift cape to conquer an ever-growing, out of control to-do list.

Off I went to be everything to everyone.

Not only did I scribble a long list of unrealistic expectations, but I invited everyone in my world to add to it.

To infinity. And beyond.

Are you tracking with me?

Fraught with finger-pointing expectations, the see-if-you-can-do-all-this list propelled the wanna-be superhero from the board room to the baby crib, the PTA meeting to Pinterest to acquire and create the perfect centerpiece for the super-sized family holiday celebration she’s hosting. The endless to-do’s pushed her to sprint from mowing the lawn to volunteering at the food bank. Oh, and don’t forget to pick up a carton of almond milk on your way home from choir practice.

Newsflash: Everything Woman perished. Strangled by a killer to-do list.

An unrealistic, unrelenting, never ending to-do list is a killer list. A killer to-do list saps you of your strength. You forget to breathe.

A killer to-do list saps you of your strength. You forget to breathe.
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We weren’t designed to carry the weight of the world between the lines on a list.

A reasonable list may be your friend, for memory’s sake. But when productivity is interpreted as power and promoted as the Holy Grail, viewing check marks as the measure of our worth becomes the standard.

What if pursuing a measurable yield isn’t the best path to nurturing an effectual life?

Let’s lose the big E for Everything, and take swift steps away from any and every unreasonable list of to-do’s.

Here are seven truths to help us do just that:

Grace is yours to claim. Breathe out the feelings of inadequacy. Breathe in the assurance that God is all sufficient. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

2. Rest restores. Psalm 46:10 tells us how to rest. “Be still, and know that I am God.”

3. Your value isn’t measured by the number of tasks you attempt or the checkmarks you accumulate. God made you fearfully and wonderfully. His thoughts toward you are precious (Psalm 139:14, 17).

4. You can give precedence to your priorities, according to God’s call on your life.

5. You are only one person. Anchor your expectations and those of others in that reality.

6. Saying “yes” to one request or opportunity usually necessitates saying “no” to another. Addition and subtraction are kin.

Saying “yes” to one request usually necessitates saying “no” to another.
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7. Fulfillment follows purposeful productivity. Be intentional. Use your hand-picked priorities to choose what goes on your list. (And what comes off.)

Reaching our potential, stepping into God’s purpose for us, isn’t about going-through-the motions-productivity, but about being present and purposeful.

I’d love to hear from you. What is your to-do list story? How do you manage your list, or does it manage you?

 

If you liked this post, you might also enjoy one of the three downloads available on my home page: 9 Secrets to Help You Crush Stress.

 

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