Bryce Moore's Blog, page 188

My Stake Conference Talk and Other Sundries

Warning. Today’s post is a long one. I bit my tongue last week, and this post more than makes up for it. I’m going to write a bit about how my stake conference talk came about, then include the full talk, and then finish off with some additional comments.

As is always the case on posts covering sensitive issues, you’re welcome to respond, but I ask that people treat each other with respect. I already had to wrangle one Facebook conversation thread on this subject. I don’t relish the thought of doing it again already. (Especially when (with a post this length) many people will likely come to read the post long enough to find something to complain about, and then ignore the rest and move right onto the comments. Don’t be that person.)

I came pretty close to not giving this talk, to be honest. After the church’s policy change on Friday, I was quite upset. It wasn’t just because of the policy change, but also the response to that change that many Mormons were posting. While I don’t generally give talks off the cuff, I’m certainly capable of it, and I’ve gone “off script” before. On Friday, I couldn’t really guarantee that I wasn’t going to say something that would upset people if given the right platform. It’s one of the reasons I didn’t really post at all on Friday. (Interestingly enough, a ton of people still came to the blog to see what I’d posted.)

A public talk to over 600 people? That’s a fairly big platform. (For those of you who don’t know, Stake Conference is a Mormon meeting that happens twice a year, drawing together members from multiple congregations in an area.) So I was hesitant. I even contacted the leaders running the meeting to say they might not want me to be the one speaking. They reassured me that they were confident I’d do a good job and that it would work out for the best.

After thinking and praying about it, I decided to go through with it, but I wanted to tweak my topic. (No problem there. I hadn’t been given a topic to begin with. I could talk about anything.) The main reason I decided to go through with the talk is that I wanted to give the talk I’d want to hear if I were in the audience two days after that church policy announcement. Interestingly, that idea fit nicely with the content I’d already written for the talk, and bringing it all together didn’t take too much effort.

Enough preamble. Here’s the talk:

The Plan of Happiness

God has given us the Gospel for one basic purpose: to make us happy. We refer to it as the Plan of Happiness. “Men are that they might have joy.” And while the church has brought me a lot of happiness in my life, I’m certainly not happy all the time, sometimes because of things that happen in church. I don’t think I’m alone in this. Church members can say upsetting or insulting things. We can be judgmental and opinionated despite our best efforts not to. Responsibilities, activities, and callings can be burdensome or feel overwhelming. We can feel unworthy or unwanted. Church polices and decisions on a local, state, or national level can take us by surprise or disappoint us. For a Plan of Happiness, it’s not always happy.

So maybe the Gospel isn’t here to make us immediately happy. Maybe it’s a promise of happiness to come. After all, when we talk about what happens after we’re baptized, we refer to it as “enduring to the end.”

Let’s think about that word choice for a moment. “Endure to the end.”

We don’t endure things we enjoy. If you ask a friend how a movie was, and they say they endured it, you don’t picture them smiling and laughing throughout the whole experience. Enduring implies pain or discomfort. Trial and tribulation. We endure sorrow, struggles, and overly long testimony meetings. But we don’t endure happiness. At times, I wonder if when we say “endure to the end,” we take a look at all the fun other people seem to be having, sigh, and resign ourselves to following all these rules until we die and can stop at last.

And that leads me to a second issue with the phrase. It implies there’s a finish line. That there will come a time when we no longer need to endure. But the rules and laws of the Gospel aren’t here to throw us for a loop. They’re not designed to be difficult to follow and a pain to always have to remember. They’re here to help us return to live with God. To become more like Him and live our lives the way He would have us live them. In other words, if the laws we follow in this church seem burdensome, I’ve got bad news for you.

They’re eternal. They’re not going anywhere.

And the basic truth is that our feelings, thoughts, and experiences carry over into the life after this one. In Mormon 9:14, we read that “And then cometh the judgment of the Holy One upon them; and then cometh the time that he that is filthy shall be filthy still; and he that is righteous shall be righteous still; he that is happy shall be happy still; and he that is unhappy shall be unhappy still.”

The Gospel isn’t designed as a sort of carrot on a stick. Something to be endured so that we can be happy after we die. It’s here to make us happy right now. Today. Tomorrow.

But clearly life isn’t a bunch of sunshine and puppies every day. There are plenty of things to worry about, struggles to overcome, and temptations to deal with. So if we’re not chuck full of happiness every day of the week (or each time we come home from church), does it mean we’re living the gospel wrong?

It can be tempting to believe that sometimes.

There’s a phenomenon in psychology called the impostor syndrome. It’s the inability for people to process their own accomplishments and competence. We can continually feel like we’re a sham. Like we’re one wrong question away from everyone discovering just what a bunch of phonies we are.

I see the impostor syndrome around me quite often. We might see so many other people having a great time in the church while we’re struggling just to keep our heads above water. We might feel guilty and ashamed that we aren’t able to live the Gospel’s precepts to the same level we see so many other people living them.

Whenever I’m tempted to think that, I remember my third semester in an American Sign Language class. I showed up the first day, and everyone in the class seemed to have a good handle on the language. Hands were flying, and people were laughing and following along with the teacher with ease. Everyone but me, that was. I had only half a clue what was being said. I struggled to keep up with the lecture, and I ended up feeling confused and bewildered by the end of the second week. I was tempted to just drop the class. Sign Language clearly wasn’t for me.

But then I had a study group with some of the other class members, and I gathered enough courage to mention I was feeling lost in class. I was amazed to see how many other people chimed in to agree with me. Never underestimate the desire of people to seem like they get it, even when they don’t.

This past General Conference, President Uchtdorf said, “Sometimes we feel discouraged because we are not “more” of something—more spiritual, respected, intelligent, healthy, rich, friendly, or capable. Naturally, there is nothing wrong with wanting to improve. God created us to grow and progress. But remember, our weaknesses can help us to be humble and turn us to Christ, who will “make weak things become strong.”

It is okay to feel upset. It is okay to be less than perfect. To have doubts. To question. The Gospel is great, but it’s deep. There are so many different aspects to focus on that we can easily become depressed just trying to think about tackling it. God never asked us to be perfect today. He clearly states he expects us to grow line upon line, precept upon precept. But I’ve found it’s one thing to know that principle, but it’s much harder to actually remember it and believe it.

After all, we go and make even the simple things complicated. We have entire talks focused on keeping the Sabbath Day holy, but the basic fact is that one family might follow that commandment one way, and another might follow it another way, and they might both be right. Just because we grow line upon line doesn’t mean that all the lines come in the same order for everyone.

In his talk “What Lack I Yet?”, Elder Larry R. Lawrence outlines a way to grow in the Gospel step by step. “The Holy Ghost doesn’t tell us to improve everything at once. If He did, we would become discouraged and give up. The Spirit works with us at our own speed, one step at a time, or as the Lord has taught, “line upon line, precept upon precept, … and blessed are those who hearken unto my precepts, … for unto him that receiveth I will give more.” For example, if the Holy Ghost has been prompting you to say “thank you” more often, and you respond to that prompting, then He may feel it’s time for you to move on to something more challenging—like learning to say, “I’m sorry; that was my fault.””

What we need to remember is that this tailor-made path to grow in the Gospel doesn’t apply to everyone. It’s just for us. So when we see other people doing things or making decisions that contrast with our own path, we need to remember not to judge them. They could just as easily look at our life and offer their own critique.

In my spare time, I write books. I’ve been to quite a few writing conferences and done numerous peer reviews on other people’s work. When I’m reading someone else’s story, it’s relatively easy for me to see what’s wrong with it. The pacing is too slow, or the characters aren’t developed enough. The plot breaks down in the middle or the blocking is confusing. I can blaze through someone else’s book with a red pen, confident that I know how to make it better.

But when I look at my own novels, it’s a much harder task. I have a difficult time telling what’s working and what’s broken. There have been numerous times that I’ve thought a book was great, only to get feedback from my readers that it’s not working at all.

Why is this? I think it’s easy to cherry pick, focusing on our strengths and ignoring our weaknesses. When I read someone else’s material, I’m drawn to analyze how well they match up with the things I’m already good at. If you took the world’s fastest man and critiqued his chess game, chances are he wouldn’t be at quite the same level.

So we focus hard on improving something in our lives, and then we have the urge to prove just how good we are by looking around at others and confirming we’re doing better at that one thing than they are. Obviously this is a mistake, but there are a few other ways I think we can live the Gospel in a way that will both make us happier and make things easier on those around us.

First of all, let us be compassionate. There will come times in everyone’s lives when they struggle. It might be because of trials in their personal lives. It might be because they don’t understand a church policy or decision. They might be depressed or feel inadequate. When this happens, they need friends who will listen and understand their point of view. They do not need to be told that if they had a real understanding of doctrine, they wouldn’t have these doubts, or that if their testimony were stronger, they would be fine. When a person is on the edge of a cliff, help them. Meet their needs, regardless of your personal beliefs or opinions. Don’t sit back, fold your arms, and start talking about how people really ought to stay away from cliffs in the first place.

Second, let’s try to avoid questioning other people’s faith and commitment. President Uchtdorf spoke about how wonderful the Gospel can be, and how well it works for so many people. But he also noted that “there are some who have a less-than-fulfilling experience—who feel that their membership in the Church sometimes isn’t quite what they had hoped for.”

He suggested that one reason for this is that we have a tendency to overcomplicate things. We take the essentials of the Gospel and add on a slew of good ideas, programs, and expectations. On their own, they might seem like good ideas, but when they’re all lumped together, they can quickly overwhelm us. “If you ever think that the gospel isn’t working so well for you, I invite you to step back, look at your life from a higher plane, and simplify your approach to discipleship. Focus on the basic doctrines, principles, and applications of the gospel. I promise that God will guide and bless you on your path to a fulfilling life, and the gospel will definitely work better for you.”

Members who are following that advice might make decisions you personally wouldn’t make. They might not attend an activity, or their approach to a calling might be different than yours would be. Don’t criticize them for those choices. Have faith in the ability of other people to follow the promptings of the Spirit in their lives.

To those of you who might currently be struggling or will struggle in the future, a thought that has helped me was mentioned in an interview I read this morning with Elder Christofferson’s brother. Remember John 6. Christ had been teaching, and many of his disciples said, “This is an hard saying; who can hear it?” and they turned and stopped following him. When Christ asked the twelve if they would leave as well, Peter said, “Lord, to whom shall we go? Thou hast the words of eternal life.”

I have a personal testimony that this church is true. I believe it’s led by a prophet of God. I don’t believe our church leaders are infallible. In fact, they’ve repeatedly stated that they aren’t. But I believe they are doing the same thing each of us strives to do: make good decisions and follow the promptings of the Spirit to accomplish God’s will on this earth. Mistakes will be made. We are all human.

But as I have followed this Gospel, I have found comfort, peace, and security. It’s not always easy, and it’s not a blissful experience from beginning to end, but as I have applied its teachings in my life, marriage, and family, I have found guidance, direction and yes, happiness.

A Few More Things

The talk seemed to be very well received. It helped me personally work through some of these issues, and I’m glad I had the opportunity to give it.

I’m still not 100% at ease with this new policy. I’ve seen the interview with Elder Christofferson, and I appreciate the intent of the policy now, but I’m not convinced the policy is working to accomplish that intent. Additionally, while intentions are all fine and good, we can’t always use them as an excuse for our actions. Someone might not have intended to miss a stop sign, but if they hit a pedestrian, those intentions don’t make much of a difference. Manslaughter vs. murder all comes down to intentions, but neither are great options, you know?

Because of this, I’m beginning to bristle at all the articles popping up everywhere that keep saying this is all about love and concern for the gay couples and their children. If we’re really loving and concerned about them, maybe listening to how they’re receiving this policy would be a good idea? I’m fairly confident church leaders are, but many of the rank and file members seem content to just repeat “I support the brethren” over and over, as if that might make this all better.

Policies can be rewritten. Policies are not doctrine. You make a policy to accomplish a purpose. If that purpose isn’t being accomplished, you change the policy.

Please don’t be too quick to dismiss members’ concerns in this area. I have a number of close friends who have either left the church or are thinking of leaving the church around this issue. They’re not doing it because they lack a testimony. In many cases, they’re upset because the teachings of the church have taught them to be upset. To feel compassion and love for everyone, and to be particularly concerned about children. These are good people trying to make good decisions.

Then again, so are the ones who are defending the church.

Some questioned why I had to be so public about my concerns. Why not just sit back and give this time? Why potentially paint the church in a negative light? A couple of answers to that. Much of this debate (that I’ve seen) has happened on Facebook in a public forum. Church policy changes made the headlines in national news sources. That was going to happen regardless of what I posted, and people are going to draw their own conclusions about that. But all that other debate going on? All the callous remarks or dismissive tones? It’s not just Mormons reading it, people. If you want “to put the church in a good light,” maybe think about not being cold or brusque about things online.

And finally, I don’t think the church needs any help defending itself. It’s either true or it isn’t. Truth doesn’t need people to frame it properly. It’s there, waiting to be scrutinized and investigated. I’m never afraid to be public with my thoughts when it comes to this church, because I have yet to have something happen that additional light hasn’t helped illuminate.

Anyway. I’ve broken the 3,000 word mark, so that means I’ve talked this into the ground by now. Not much more to add, I suppose. Though I’m sure much more will occur to me as soon as I hit publish. Such is life. If you’re still reading, thanks for sticking with me this far, and please treat each other respectfully in the comments. Thanks!

Not Today

I’m operating on five hours of sleep today, and I’m exhausted. I have many many thoughts careening through my head, but having dealt with Facebook wrangling all night and in every spare moment I’ve had this morning, I have no desire to continue the effort. So you’re all going to have to get by today without my input. Maybe I’ll be up to it later, but right now, if I were to say what I thought, I would end up insulting a good number of well-intentioned but seriously misguided folks, and I don’t want to do that. (Considering how much I can irritate people on a full night’s rest, trying to be tactful right now is very much a bad idea.)

So I’m saying nothing. Instead, you can all have 10 hours of Nyan Cat. You’ll probably be better off. Life would be simpler and happier if we could all be smiling, rainbow pooping cats that fly around in a giant pop tart. Right?

A Zing Ain’t a Thing

The fam and I watched Hotel Transylvania the other night. A bit late for Halloween, but hey, why not? Overall, I really enjoyed the movie. It was funny and imaginative and had most of a good message (let people grow and go their own way). I can get behind that.

However.

One thing that rubbed me the wrong way about the movie was that a good portion of the plot revolved around the idea that each person has one (and only one) soul mate. The movie described it as a “zing.” You meet each other, and you instantly know. And if you let that one zing get away, then you’re basically hosed, because that was your one chance right there.

That concept? I’m not cool with that at all.

I don’t want my kids going through life looking for the one person they “zing” with, and waiting for that person to come along before they commit to anything. Don’t get me wrong. Denisa and I hit it off immediately, after we went on our first date. But the first time I saw her? I thought she was cute, but there was no magic jolt that went through me to let me know she was different. (Sorry, Denisa. Just keeping it real here.) Once I was with her one on one for a while, THEN I could tell a really big difference between the way I got along with her and the way I’d gotten along with everyone else up to that point, but the concept of “Meet and zing” just seems so unrealistic.

“But Bryce,” you say. “It’s just a kids show. Don’t be so uptight about it.”

But I really think little things like this can add up to serious problems for people down the road. After all, the idea of a soul mate is hardly new, and kids can get some funny ideas in their heads very easily. But let’s assume for a moment that “zing” is a real phenomenon. That there is one person out there, and you’ll know it when you meet them. Here are a few problems I see with that.

How do you know when you’ve met them? If you’ve never zinged before, when do you know what a real zing is? Because I’d been attracted to a fair number of girls before Denisa. I’d had big crushes in high school and college. I’d had other girl friends I thought I was crazy about. Denisa blew all of those out of the water. But what if I’d settled for a false zing? It felt different, so I went for that, never knowing there were better fits for me out there?
What happens if you zing after you’re already married? You’ve already promised to live the rest of your life or spend eternity with someone else, but now you’ve zinged. Does that trump those promises? Why would it?
How in the world can a momentary zing be expected to translate into a successful marriage? You don’t know the person. You don’t know anything about them other than what they look like. “Hubba hubba” isn’t exactly the platform to build the rest of your life on.

I could go on, but I’m not going to. I clearly have issues with this. So what is my personal approach? What’s my alternative to zinging?

Going out and getting some dating experience. Get to know plenty of people in plenty of situations. Spend a bunch of time with them. You’ll learn as much about you as you will about them. What makes you mad? What irritates you? What do you like? What makes you happy? The better you know yourself, the easier it will be for you to recognize when you’ve really hit it off with someone special.

Denisa reminded me yesterday that it was the 15th anniversary of our first date. The only reason I asked her on the date was because I was trying to do just that: date many girls. You can’t know what you’re missing if you don’t know what’s out there. She’d sat near me in German Phonetics class for two months, and while she’d seemed nice, I didn’t know her well enough to know much about her at all.

Thank goodness I’m a goal oriented person.

Anyway. There’s my rant for the day. Hope you’re having a zingiful afternoon!

The Wire 1:13

And here we are. The end of the first season, and I get to talk about the finale and just the finale, all in its own blog post. Ready?

I remember the first time watching the show how disappointed I was with this ending. I didn’t really believe this was it. That the Barksdale crew was getting off so easily. There had to be more to it than this, and so I immediately started the second season. Imagine my surprise, then, when the second season seemed to have nothing whatsoever to do with the first season. There were new characters. New conflicts.

What in the world?

What I didn’t realize then (even after the whole first season) was that the Wire wasn’t your typical television show. It wasn’t interested in tidy arcs that went where they were supposed to. It wanted to tell a different story. One focused on depicting a larger problem in everyday life. And one significant part of that problem was that the way our country is dealing with crime is broken. We’re focused on immediate results, and we let the big picture just sort of slink back into the shadows. (In a way, it reminds me of how we handle airline security. Create a bunch of relatively useless hoops so that we can reassure everyone that Something Is Being Done, even if it doesn’t necessarily do any real good toward actually fixing the problem.)

There’s not a lot in this episode to feel satisfied about. Bubbs is back off the wagon. Avon gets a relatively light sentence. D’Angelo gives into the guilt trip his mom puts on him (and gets the worst sentence of the bunch in return), the Barksdale drug crew is going fine. Daniels doesn’t get the promotion he wanted. McNulty gets to go off to the boat he loathes.

Really, the only thing keeping this from turning into a farce is the fact that there are a few bright spots. Lester’s back on homicide at last, for example. Bunk is still bunking. Prez might actually be redeemed. Just enough there to counterbalance a little of the bad, but still more than enough bad to go around.

This is another 10/10 for me for the episode. It’s the sort of television that sticks with you. That makes you think about it later on and get frustrated with how it all ended up. But the great thing about it is that it all somehow felt right. Like this is the only real way the season could have ended. Everything was leading to this point, and it was inevitable. Pulling off a plot like that is hard work, and the show does it beautifully.

But anyway. Don’t let my thoughts taint your experience. Before we start season two, think about what you’re looking to get out of it. Think about where you expected it to go.

And then be ready to go somewhere entirely different.

See you next week!

Let the Braces Begin

I keep meaning to post about this, but other thoughts keep getting in the way. TRC has moved onto that loveliest of life’s rituals: orthodontia. (I swear. Just when you think you’ve got the parenting thing down, new experiences keep cropping up.) Since he was the first of our children to tackle this obstacle, we had to do a fair bit of research and driving around to figure out who we wanted to wreck destruction and havoc on his mouth. And by “we,” I mean Denisa. She’s put in a ton of driving time, and there’ll be much more driving in the future.

I’ll admit I’m only loosely familiar with the processes that are going on in my son’s mouth. (There’s a sentence you hopefully don’t have to say too often.) I know there are pistons involved. And cranks. And devices that look like they were used as tools of torture in the middle ages. Also, rubber bands. Because everything’s more fun with rubber bands.

All I really know is that he doesn’t have to have head gear, which is super. Right? Right.

But all of this seemed fairly straightforward in theory. He goes to appointments. They stick stuff in his mouth. They make changes .We’re done in a half year or whatever. However, in practice, it’s been much different. He’s walking around with a whole bunch of metal in his mouth, some of which has to be tweaked at home. You’ve never quite felt frustration until you’re trying to figure out just how this Pyrax thing gets cranked with that little paperclip shaped tool, and having to do it in a way that doesn’t jab holes in the roof of your son’s mouth.

Fun times.

Then on Sunday, we realized the pistons were carving holes in his cheek. Holes. In his cheeks. Think about that for a bit. Sound like fun? So I got online and researched the problem and the solution, ending up jury-rigging some cotton rolls to get the pistons some distance away from his cheeks. It did the trick, though he looks more like a chipmunk now.

Hey–it’s Halloween, right?

Anyway. It’s been an adventure in my household for the past bit, but rumor has it that the cranking is done as of Thursday, so that’s one less thing we’ll be doing.

I had to have a retainer when I was a kid, and I had braces on my bottom teeth, but that’ s about it. Denisa, of course, had perfectly straight teeth (and perfect vision). I’m convinced she’s an upgraded model of the typical human being. So as parents, we’re going into a lot of this blind. Which is kind of par for the course for a first kid, but that’s a topic for another day . . .

A Halloween without Sugar?

Back when I first started on this random “give up sugar” kick, one of the things I worried about (way back in February and March of this year) was how I would handle Halloween (and the other holidays, for that matter.) Actually, the fact that my brain went straight to “BUT WHAT ABOUT HALLOWEEN???” was one of the reasons I decided I really needed to kick the sugar habit. When you start coming up with outlandish reasons for why you can’t do something sensible, you know you have a problem.

But anyway, Halloween came at last, just as I knew it would. On Saturday, we went out trick or treating with the kids, and I smelled it.

The smell of candy.

We don’t keep a lot of candy in the house, generally speaking. The kids don’t eat a ton of it, which I suppose means I’ve become one of “those parents,” but I don’t think my kids really miss out that much on not having a truckload of candy on hand all the time. So when we were walking around on Saturday, it was very easy for me to smell the candy. You’d think Snickers and Milky Ways wouldn’t have an odor, but they do. I’m not even sure it’s the smell of the candy. I think it’s the smell of the wrappers, personally.

But smell it I did. And for a bit, it was hard for me to face the fact that I wasn’t going to be taking a huge Dad Tax this year.

Not that I went entirely sugar-free on Halloween. We made sugar cookies and frosting and donuts and had the candy and there was a cake in there somewhere, and I most definitely gave myself a pass for the evening. (Maybe even a bit of a pass on Sunday, too.) I ate a few donuts. I had a slice of cake. I had some cookies.

And I felt pretty sick to my stomach after all was said and done. Interestingly enough, I didn’t eat any of the candy (that I can recall.)

When some people hear I mostly don’t eat sugar, they still look to catch me in the act. Eating illicit candy. I think it’s because they take my personal goal as a personal attack. A declaration that any candy or sugar is bad, and that I must be a hypocrite if I still eat any. I remind them all that I give myself a bit of wiggle room, and I’m much happier for that wiggle.

In the end, I had some sweets on Halloween. I probably will still have a bit here or there, and I’m okay with that. But I had a ton less than I would have had before my goal, and that’s what really matters to me. Here I am, eight months after making the resolution, and I’m still sticking to it very well. I put the goal on pause now and then for special occasions, but I’m at the point now that I’m fairly self-regulating. Eating too many sweets doesn’t make me feel good, so I don’t do it. (I know. What a concept!)

Of course, we still have one very large hurdle to get over.

Christmas is coming, my friends. And with it comes all my favorite foods. Fudge. Egg nog. Cookies. We’ll see what happens then . . .

Are You Easily Satisfied?

The family carved pumpkins the other night. TRC and DC were on their own for the most part. Denisa helped them get the guts out, and then they picked patterns to carve.

(I had suggested they just wing it and do faces, since I often end up getting stressed by silly things like pumpkin carving (It’ll be done faster if we just do faces, and then I can go back to my OUR LADY revision . . .)). They reminded me that the kid version of me would have been aghast at such a suggestion, and they stuck to patterns.)

So DC was working on a cat face, TRC was doing the grim reaper, and MC . . . MC was happily sticking monster parts into a small pumpkin. (Think of it like Mr. Potato Head, but with pumpkins.) She had more fun taking them out of the pumpkin than putting them into it, since the pumpkin had tough skin, and she had a hard time getting the parts to pierce it.

As I was watching all of this unfold (and helping both the older kids with their pumpkins, because if there’s any innate urge I have stronger than the one to get out of doing work, it’s the one to make sure work is being done well when I’m around. Seriously. What’s up with that? I need help.) Where was I in that sentence? Oh right. As I was watching all of this unfold, I was just impressed with the contrast of the kids. The older ones were really striving hard to do difficult things. The youngest was just having a blast doing the simplest of things.

I’m not saying we should all be happy just doing the easy things all the time, but I do think there are occasions when it’s the definite better option. Too often, I think I tend to default to a “if it’s harder to do, then it’s more worthwhile” mentality. To use a really basic example, I’ll spend a bunch of time putting movies into a Netflix queue, and then I’ll decide I don’t want to watch any of those, because it would be more interesting to find a new one.

Or maybe I’ll be working on a video project. Something that doesn’t really need to be perfect or anything. Just good enough. But instead I’ll dive in and make that video as good as I can possibly make it. There are advantages to both approaches, really. I like that I’m driven to do my best, and many times it’s brought me a lot of success.

But there needs to be an off button on that somewhere, or at least a pause button. I need to do a better job of looking at a situation and deciding just how much effort I really need to put into it. If I can have a fun time just sticking potato head parts into a pumpkin, why not run with that instead of coming up with something much more elaborate?

Anyway. Yet another introspective, thoughtful post. Don’t worry. I’ll try to review something really inane in the not too distant future. Happy Halloween!

Getting Perspective: Being Cool, Sixth Graders, and Bizarre Gambling Movies

TRC is is Middle School now. I remember going through those years, and how . . . difficult they can be. So much uncertainty. So many people changing who they are (or wishing they could change). The thing is, I hear him talk about the “popular” kids and how they behave, and my mind sort of goes two directions at once. On one hand, I remember being in sixth grade, and I remember the same popular types, and how difficult it was to have to put up with them. I can definitely relate.

But at the same time, my adult brain kicks in and says THESE ARE SIXTH GRADERS. Who in the world actually cares about how “cool” they are? Why can’t we all just agree that none of them are cool, and that they should really spend their time being nice to each other and watching cartoons?

Then I watched a Korean movie that helped put this all in perspective. The plot is simple: a nerdy Go player is thrown into the world of illegal Go gambling by his brother and then framed for that same brother’s murder. He goes to prison for a long time. Long enough to use his Go playing skills to impress everyone and convince them to teach him martial arts. When he’s released from prison, he takes his martial arts and Go playing skills with him to get vengeance for his brother’s murder. (The movie’s The Divine Move, and it’s much, much gorier and violent than any Go movie you think you might have watched in the past.)

I had the same problem with the movie that I have when I hear about “cool” sixth graders. Go is not cool. Go will never be cool. Could never be cool. There is not a universe I could think of where that would be any different. It’s a board game. Why in the world would people bet tons of money on it and turn it into life or death.

But then it hit me. Think of all the “cool” poker movies we have in Hollywood. The bravado. The smooth music. The tension over those cards. Poker is cool. But why is it cool? It’s cool because we’re inside the system. We’ve downed the Koolaid and embraced the idea.

Outside the system, poker is just as uncool and strange as Go seems to me now. It’s as uncool as sixth graders.

The biggest question, then, is how to break out of that system voluntarily. I don’t know of a secret way to do it, other than to first become aware of the fact that the system exists. Once you can see that it’s all arbitrary, you can start to separate yourself from the need to continually buy into it. My experience is that once you’re out of that mindset, it becomes so much easier to be happy. To do what you want to do and act how you want to act, instead of how other people want you to think and act.

Of course, this goes beyond sixth grade and obscure board games. The more you know about something, the easier it becomes to fall into this trap. The things we spend time with, we begin to focus on more and more. They become more important to us. My wife looks at my Magic the Gathering gaming with a stoic patience: not really understanding why I enjoy it, but willing to put up with it because she loves me for some strange reason. I can talk with TRC about cool moves and sweet cards, and the two of us understand each other. Denisa couldn’t care less. She’s outside of the system.

My challenge to you today is to think over the things you spend time with, and see if you’re making any blunders because you’re trying to be cool in an area that really doesn’t matter. After all, we all left sixth grade behind us a long time ago.

The Wire 1:11 and 1:12

Getting right down to the end of the season. After looking at the calendar, I decided I have enough time in the academic year to just handle the end of the season by itself next week, so there’ll just be one episode I’m discussing next Wednesday. Still two today, however. Onward!

Episode 1:11

I love that this show lets characters break out from the mold we initially place them. Look at Wee-Bey, who turns out to be a cold blooded killer, but also a guy who loves his pet fish. A lot.

Or (an even better example) look at Rawls. The guy is clearly supposed to be someone we dislike. He always seems to be throwing wrenches in the way of our protagonists. Surely he’s just some paper-pushing jerk.

Nope. In this episode, he shows that he actually can get things done. He sees what needs doing, and he helps it to happen, whether it’s clearing people away from the crime scene or even (gasp!) going to comfort McNulty in the strangest inspiring pep talk you could imagine.

We also see McNulty in a much starker light. This was the episode where he really began to let me down some. Where I saw that protagonists in this show could be just as flawed as the villains. Yes, McNulty comes to the realization that Kima got hurt because of this investigation, which he started as more of a personal soap box than anything else. But what does he do with that realization? He freezes up. He does nothing. He drinks. That’s the McNulty way of life, it seems. It doesn’t make him a bad person, but it’s certainly something he could work on to improve himself.

And poor Bubbs, who clearly has no chance of staying clean. (I read online that the makers of the show were very conscious of this development. Apparently junkies who are trying to get clean often come up with plans that depend on unlikely scenarios to actually be able to  pan out. When the plans get messed up, they shirk responsibility and just give up. Bubbs had this plan that depended on Kima giving him the money to get a place of his own, and then he’d be able to . . . somehow use that to move on to better things. But what were the odds of that actually working? This isn’t supposed to be television, after all. There are no easy outs.)

It’s also interesting to me that in this episode, the detail finally gets the attention it’s deserved from the higher ups. And does this help? No way. It makes things worse. The higher ups are firm believers in doing something when something must be done. Too bad “something” doesn’t actually mean “something useful.” But Lester gets a chance to shine again. He’s a bright light in comparison with all the duds. He knows there’s something he can do to help, and he dives right in and gets it done.

It’s a very strong episode from start to finish. Filled with unexpected turns that still feel right and natural when they come. (The best kind of plotting.) 9/10 for me. I could talk about so many other things, but I don’t have the time.

Episode 1:12

Wallace. Where’s Wallace? This is one of the best episodes of the entire show. It’s where we realize just how willing the series is to go into the hard places. Wallace doesn’t just die. He’s killed in cold blood by his two best friends. Friends who clearly don’t want to kill him, but convince each other that it’s what has to be done. And Wallace goes to that death crying and wetting his pants. It’s brutally sad, but it’s an outcome that’s been on the horizon for a long time.

Still a bummer to have it actually happen.

But the fact that it can be so powerful is a testament to so much time and character development the show put in earlier on. Letting us see Wallace, Poot, and Bodie interact. Have them be actual characters instead of just henchmen.

And that’s not all the episode had to offer. It shows us Levy (the lawyer, who we learned a few episodes ago is a big player in lawyer circles) isn’t just a scuzzy legal beagle. He’s a co-conspirator with Stringer and Avon. Think about the deaths that result directly from him suggesting to his two clients that they need to “clean house.” He knows what he’s doing, and he does it anyway. If there’s anyone in the show who’s pure evil, I think Levy might be right at the top of the list. (Then again, we’ve only briefly gotten to know Clay Davis . . .)

But how about something positive? How about Daniels sticking up to Burrell and Davis? He’s come a long way from the earlier episodes, when he was all too eager to toe the line. Here he realizes how the game is being played, and he’s unafraid to put his reputation on the line. (Interesting to see that he clearly has a dark past to hide, however. He’s no saint.)

And D’Angelo giving up on his blood ties? Very powerful stuff. That “Where’s Wallace” scene is one that really sticks with you.

I remember the first time watching the show, I was disappointed by the way things were wrapping up. They get the camera into Avon’s room just in time for Avon to pack it up? And all they can charge anyone with is some low level stuff? Where’s the explosions? Where are the big sentences. (More on that next week.)

In essence, I wanted my pile of dope on the table, and I was sad I wasn’t getting it. Talk about a hallmark of a great show, where it can use audience expectation in a way that makes you realize some things about yourself at the same time as you’re watching the show.

Anyway. Out of time for the day. This is an easy 10/10 episode. Such good stuff. Hope you’ve been enjoying it too. One episode left in the season!

Adventures in Manchester

I go to these conferences all over the country, and I typically like to get out of the hotel for at least a little bit. Go and see the city a tad. Get a feel for the place. That’s how I’ve seen things like the Mark Twain home and Wrigley Field. Manchester, NH isn’t exactly Chicago, but I wanted to get out of the hotel for an evening, anyway.

But what to do?

I wanted to eat someplace fun, so I found a Hungarian restaurant that had good reviews. It was supposed to close at 5, and it wasn’t far from the hotel at all, so I headed over at 4:30 yesterday. Got there at 4:40 to discover they’d already shut for the day. (When I asked why, the older gentleman behind the counter said, “People don’t come here after 4:30.” I debated arguing that point with him, but decided it wasn’t worth the effort. I went back this morning to pick up some goodies for Denisa.)

Since I’d struck out on that effort, I decided to try something a bit more geeky. I had the evening, and I was actually feeling like a walk, so I went to explore a comics/game store about a half hour away. The weather was lovely. The walk? A little sketchier than I had anticipated. While the area around the hotel was just fine, I picked a route without contemplating the idea that there might be areas of Manchester where a guy in a suit jacket might stand out.

I’m not saying I was walking through any active crime scenes. But I’m not saying I wasn’t. Thankfully, my height and beard managed to dissuade any would-be muggers, and I emerged unscathed at my destination. Of course, then I was distracted by shiny games and a slew of MTG cards. I blinked, and I swear I lost an hour and a half somewhere.

When I came to and was making my purchase, I realized it was dark outside. “What’s the safest way to walk back to the Radisson?” I asked, expecting the guys there to laugh at my question and reassure me that nothing ever bad happens in Manchester.

Instead, I got: “Oh! That’s a really good question. I’m glad you asked.”

Apparently the exact worst way to walk back was the way I’d come. I got a better route and made it home in one piece. So maybe my spidey senses weren’t too off about my safety as I was headed to the store. Go figure.

In any case, a fun time was had by all, and it was great to be able to get a bit of exercise again. Yay for feeling better!