Rick Patterson's Blog, page 3
April 4, 2019
Failure is our friend. Shame is the enemy.
Failure is a crushing word to many (most) people. We avoid it like the plague. Yet we also say we believe that life’s greatest achievements come through failure. In fact, many of the greatest successes in the world will remind us of this very fact – from Benjamin Franklin to Michael Jordan.
If we believe failure is actually good for us, why do we
resist opportunities to fail? Why do we attempt to convince ourselves that we
really didn’t fail when we did?
The denomination I am part of contributed over $100,000
toward my efforts to launch a new church for them. That was the goal. New
church. It would either be there or it wouldn’t. I accepted the challenge. After
10 years of trying, the anticipated congregation no longer exists. I failed.
I did what most people do when they fail. I turned to blame
first with a smattering of depression and a health dose of anger. In the end, I
would have to face the reality of the situation. I had failed. Blame, anger, depression
– none of them would guide me into what failure is supposed to do for us – help
us grow.
As I began to be able to accept my failure and attempt to
learn from it, I would be challenged by people to do the opposite. To not see
it as a failure at all – to look at the good that was done. While I appreciate
their willingness to help me see the brighter side, it does point out our
instincts to deny failure even exists. It does and it is not the enemy. It is
our friend. If we learn from it.
The enemy is that voice in our head that insists we now
define ourselves as a failure since we failed. The enemy is that voice that
insists we find someone to blame for the failure. The enemy is that voice in
our head that insists we not try again for fear that we will confirm for the
world that we are, indeed, a failure. That voice is the enemy. That voice has a
name. That voice is shame.
Shame’s goal is to isolate us for our own protection. Once we have failed, all of our defense mechanisms will provide plenty of opportunities to isolate ourselves. The only way out is to look shame in face. Name it and do the opposite of what it is asking you to do.
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March 31, 2019
The intersection of shame and Christianity – the cross
I’ve spent years in Christian training and ministry. As such, I’m often asked about the relationship between Christianity and shame. Ultimately, this relationship boils down to the cross. What did it mean? Why did it happen? What does it say to us? How did Jesus handle it? I’ve explained all this in this message.
The challenge is to understand that shame’s method of operation is separate people from each other. It does this by manipulating self-contempt. There are pages of evidence to suggest these events were being dealt with throughout the bible. The most intense I’ve found has been in the interaction between Jesus and Pilate just before the execution.
It’s my suggestion that the reason Jesus ended up where he did was a result of shame fueled envy. That envy is a result of comparisons people were making between Jesus and themselves, which is where self-contempt plays a role. There was a need for humanity to diminish him as a person – a sort of transference our self-hatred onto him.
The difference between Jesus and my own life experiences is that Jesus never seems to exercise normal shame responses like defensiveness or blame. Instead, he offers the world vulnerability, compassion, and empathy – the very things leading shame researches suggest are needed to combat shame in the world.
You’ll note in my message above that my own decision to follow Jesus was because I saw in him a life I wanted to live – a life free of being manipulated by shame. You’ll also note that I made that decision while I was still an atheist.
Shame and the battle with its effects knows no religious bounds and the struggles with shame began all the way back in Genesis – as I’ve outlined in my book.
The cross is the intersection between shame and Christianity
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January 27, 2019
January 19, 2019
Defeating Narcissism is Possible
https://youtu.be/ogo2EXReYsQ
Shame unmasked can lead to recovery from narcissism – though it can be a long, hard battle.
We talk a lot about Narcissism today – especially in our heated political climate. It’s fairly well understood how much narcissists irritate us and how difficult they can be to be around. Many of us have faced what is increasingly being termed “narcissistic abuse” as well.
What few of us understand is the damage narcissism can do to us individually beyond the damage it does to our loved ones and society. While entire books have been written on helping people recover from narcissistic abuse, very little has been written about helping the narcissist themselves recover. In fact, there is significant thinking that suggests recovery from narcissism is very rare and that some narcissists may even rather appreciate their condition.
Ultimately, dealing with narcissism will require unmasking the way shame manipulates our lives – which is no small task. And, while some researchers suggest that narcissists actually like their condition, this only serves to demonstrate the power of shame in our lives and in the life of the narcissist. A shame induced person will find it nearly impossible to admit having such a condition.
I speak these words as a “recovering narcissist” myself. The video shares some of my story.
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Defeating Narcissism is not Possible Until Shame is Unmasked
Narcissism is an increasingly common means for describing people today. It’s fairly well understood how much narcissists irritate us and many of us are familiar with how difficult they are to be around, but what few of us understand is the damage narcissism can do to us individually and to our society. While entire books have been written on helping people recover from narcissistic abuse, very little has been written about helping the narcissist themselves recover. In fact, there’s significant schools of thought that suggest recovery from narcissism is very rare. Ultimately, dealing with narcissism with require unmasking the way shame manipulates our lives – which is no small task.
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December 31, 2018
Shame Unmasked in the Beginning
If you ever wondered where shame came from, it’s an uncertain topic. All we know is that it’s in everyone. The bible offers an interesting glimpse at the first time a person comes face to face with shame. From there on out in the bible shame becomes fairly elusive – from there on out in the bible we have to deal with the effects of shame such as pride, envy, hatred, and greed to name a few. However, as we know, shame prefers to stay hidden. Shame is ok without getting any recognition because then it can continue to grow and fester unchecked. Our goal is to recognize what’s really driving all our decisions and actions and, when shame is involved, we can unmask it and strip its power.
As we look forward to a new year, we will again be focussed on finding shame wherever it lurks so that we can live our own lives and not the lives it is attempting to dictate to use by manipulating our fear of being exposed.
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October 20, 2018
Narcissism and the hope for recovery.
There was an article in Psychology today[1] with the headline “Empathy, the Ability that Makes us Truly Human”. As a shame researcher myself, I generally agree.
It’s also widely understood that a key attribute of narcissism is the inability to have empathy. As a shame researcher and recovering narcissist, I agree with that as well.
The transitive property of mathematics would then suggest that the narcissist, the Rev. Dr. Rick Patterson, is sub-human. Sounds a little cold when you put it like that, but many who have had a relationship with a narcissist might now agree!!
What I can tell you is that narcissism, which is fueled by shame, has stolen my ability to live the life I want to live and my mission is to regain my life from this condition.
Many people are jealous of the narcissist because they are generally very driven people – very materially successful due to the very powerful inner shame drive. They are also good at manipulating the shame of others to follow and respect them. They are the top corporate executives. They are celebrities. They are politicians. They are our pastors and leaders. And, sadly, many of us lash out at them because of their “success” – which we envy. Yet they are not living a true life. It’s a mirage.
I believe there is the possibility of hope for narcissists to regain what it means to be truly human – I’m counting on it! It’s a hope associated with a daily arduous battle with its source: shame. This hope, I believe is an idea worth spreading.
Personally, I don’t have to look any further than the lump on my hand to know what’s inside my heart – it’s called a boxer’s fracture – breaking the pinky bone in the back of the hand when you punch something. I hit a wall – then a door – then an oak bookcase. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F9OyV...)
As I took the pulpit to preach my sermon the following week (yes narcissism rages in the ministry), I knew I would have to explain the cast to the congregation – that I went into a fit a rage when my teenage daughter rolled her eyes at me.
When a teenage girl rolls her eyes she’s saying you’re stupid. You’re an idiot. That ought to be something a grown man has control over. I should be able to ignore it.
Instead, it brings up explosive anger in me because deep in my soul I’m afraid she might be right. I felt exposed. I’d been found out and so I lashed out. That’s what shame does. That’s what narcissism does.
I know shame is an increasingly popular topic – as is narcissism, but it’s rarely acknowledged that Narcissism is rooted in shame. This is why narcissism is so hard to deal with – to deal with narcissism you have to deal with shame and shame is a word of weakness – which is a village the narcissist will not want to visit.
I’ve seen the destruction narcissism can bring into a life:
Narcissism prevents empathy.
What I didn’t realize was the reason my daughter rolled her eyes at me was because I was making her feel the same way – ashamed – that she was just a stupid little girl. The reason I couldn’t realize that is because I lacked empathy. So instead of caring for my daughter, I was at war with her.
Narcissism prevents acknowledging failure: the teaching power life.
My middle daughter defended her dad. She scolder her sister: look what you made Rick do!! My youngest daughter said, “he’s responsible for his own choices”. Failure with humility provides the most powerful learning tool life can offer.
Narcissism prevents the power of apology – which is the only vehicle through which human relationships can survive.
I was able to apologize to my daughter. Nothing is more helpful to a relationship.
Narcissism prevents the narcissist from actually have a “cause” or living to a higher purpose in life: they are their own “cause” – their own purpose.
The narcissist has lived a purposeless life where they are the center – except that such a life is a lie because it simply isn’t a truthful existence.
Narcissism produces a sense of entitlement or a deserving of MORE. This leads to a constant bemoaning of the “unfairness” of life and, more destructively to depression, defensiveness, and the degradation of others
In short, narcissism will destroy a life of meaning, purpose and human connection. Narcissism will rob you of your humanity and your ability to truly live.
Four Rs to recovery:
Research: communicate with other human beings in person or through literature to understand the connection between narcissism and shame and the ill effects of narcissism on a life of meaning and purpose.
Resist: temptation to succumb to the allure of narcissism by practicing generosity, empathy, kindness, all things your narcissism shame will insist you NOT do. Try seeing where you might be wrong about something. Point out your weaknesses to another. Only through resistance will the muscles of humanity be strengthened.
Restore: attempt to apologize to someone for something – for anything. You are a human being and somewhere along the line you’ve made a mistake. Apologize in person or otherwise. The person may even be your own self and the way you have wasted time stewing, brooding, and depressed at your unfair treatment in life.
Repeat: as I mentioned, this is an arduous, daily batter to regain your humanity. There will be no end in my lifetime to communicating with other human beings on this topic. There will never be a day when I won’t need to resist the temptation to think I am the only one who matters in life. There will certainly never be a day when there isn’t something for which I need to apologize.
[1] https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/bl...
The Sub-Humanity of the Narcissist and the Hope for Recovery
I am Rev. Dr. Rick Patterson and I’m a narcissist. More accurately, I’m a recovering narcissist.
There was an article in Psychology today with the headline “Empathy, the Ability that Makes us Truly Human”. As a shame researcher myself, I generally agree.
It’s also widely understood that a key attribute of narcissism is the inability to have empathy. As a shame researcher and recovering narcissist, I agree with that as well.
The transitive property of mathematics would then suggest that the narcissist, the Rev. Dr. Rick Patterson, is sub-human. Sounds a little cold when you put it like that, but many who have had a relationship with a narcissist might now agree!!
What I can tell you is that narcissism, which is fueled by shame, has stolen my ability to live the life I want to live and my mission is to regain my life from this condition.
Many people are jealous of the narcissist because they are generally very driven people – very materially successful due to the very powerful inner shame drive. They are also good at manipulating the shame of others to follow and respect them. They are the top corporate executives. They are celebrities. They are politicians. They are our pastors and leaders. And, sadly, many of us lash out at them because of their “success” – which we envy. Yet they are not living a true life. It’s a mirage.
I believe there is the possibility of hope for narcissists to regain what it means to be truly human – I’m counting on it! It’s a hope associated with a daily arduous battle with its source: shame. This hope, I believe is an idea worth spreading.
Personally, I don’t have to look any further than the lump on my hand to know what’s inside my heart – it’s called a boxer’s fracture – breaking the pinky bone in the back of the hand when you punch something. I hit a wall – then a door – then an oak bookcase. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F9OyVlQt-xU)
As I took the pulpit to preach my sermon the following week (yes narcissism rages in the ministry), I knew I would have to explain the cast to the congregation – that I went into a fit a rage when my teenage daughter rolled her eyes at me.
When a teenage girl rolls her eyes she’s saying you’re stupid. You’re an idiot. That ought to be something a grown man has control over. I should be able to ignore it.
Instead, it brings up explosive anger in me because deep in my soul I’m afraid she might be right. I felt exposed. I’d been found out and so I lashed out. That’s what shame does. That’s what narcissism does.
I know shame is an increasingly popular topic – as is narcissism, but it’s rarely acknowledged that Narcissism is rooted in shame. This is why narcissism is so hard to deal with – to deal with narcissism you have to deal with shame and shame is a word of weakness – which is a village the narcissist will not want to visit.
I’ve seen the destruction narcissism can bring into a life:
Narcissism prevents empathy.
What I didn’t realize was the reason my daughter rolled her eyes at me was because I was making her feel the same way – ashamed – that she was just a stupid little girl. The reason I couldn’t realize that is because I lacked empathy. So instead of caring for my daughter, I was at war with her.
Narcissism prevents acknowledging failure: the teaching power life.
My middle daughter defended her dad. She scolder her sister: look what you made Rick do!! My youngest daughter said, “he’s responsible for his own choices”. Failure with humility provides the most powerful learning tool life can offer.
Narcissism prevents the power of apology – which is the only vehicle through which human relationships can survive.
I was able to apologize to my daughter. Nothing is more helpful to a relationship.
Narcissism prevents the narcissist from actually have a “cause” or living to a higher purpose in life: they are their own “cause” – their own purpose.
The narcissist has lived a purposeless life where they are the center – except that such a life is a lie because it simply isn’t a truthful existence.
Narcissism produces a sense of entitlement or a deserving of MORE. This leads to a constant bemoaning of the “unfairness” of life and, more destructively to depression, defensiveness, and the degradation of others
In short, narcissism will destroy a life of meaning, purpose and human connection. Narcissism will rob you of your humanity and your ability to truly live.
Four Rs to recovery:
Research: communicate with other human beings in person or through literature to understand the connection between narcissism and shame and the ill effects of narcissism on a life of meaning and purpose.
Resist: temptation to succumb to the allure of narcissism by practicing generosity, empathy, kindness, all things your narcissism shame will insist you NOT do. Try seeing where you might be wrong about something. Point out your weaknesses to another. Only through resistance will the muscles of humanity be strengthened.
Restore: attempt to apologize to someone for something – for anything. You are a human being and somewhere along the line you’ve made a mistake. Apologize in person or otherwise. The person may even be your own self and the way you have wasted time stewing, brooding, and depressed at your unfair treatment in life.
Repeat: as I mentioned, this is an arduous, daily batter to regain your humanity. There will be no end in my lifetime to communicating with other human beings on this topic. There will never be a day when I won’t need to resist the temptation to think I am the only one who matters in life. There will certainly never be a day when there isn’t something for which I need to apologize.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/bl...
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November 16, 2017
The Danger of Pastoral Narcissism
Half the harm that is done in this world is due to people who want to feel important. They don’t mean to do harm– but the harm does not interest them. Or they do not see it, or they justify it because they are absorbed in the endless struggle to think well of themselves. T. S. Eliot, The Cocktail Party, (1974), p. 111
I saw this quote in an article written by a very successful pastor on his own struggle with Narcissism in ministry. The apostle Paul warned about it in this way:
1 Co 13:1 If I speak in the tongues of mortals and of angels, but do not have love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. NRSV
Without “love”, not only are my words meaningless, they are worse than meaningless. They bring damage and pain no matter how good they sound coming off my tongue. It took me a very long time after I was done preaching to learn this. The problem? Narcissists are generally unaware of their own condition (even though those around the narcissist are very aware). Therefore, the narcissist may be somewhat powerless to do anything about it. What makes this worse is that narcissists seem almost incapable of love.
Narcissism requires a clanging gong
I was (am), arguably, an outstanding preacher. It’s hard for a recovering narcissist to say something well of themselves so writing those words feels somehow wrong to me. However, I question the degree to which I had love. If I were honest, it was more frequent that I had a desire and drive to prove myself in my public speaking, motivational, and entrepreneurial leadership capabilities. I wanted to show I was capable of creating a large and growing congregation from the ground up. This was driven by the fact that, years earlier, I had been asked to leave the congregation I had been part of my whole life. That kind of failure will drive even the kindest narcissist to attempt a remedy!
At one point during the life of the little congregation we were trying to start, I received this email:
Rick- you can have a hundred degrees and preach the best sermon anyone has ever heard but until you can actively engage/share/participate in the lives of your congregation -as messy, complicated, beautiful and painful as they can be and they with you -I worry about the future of this ministry. Week after week we sit and we listen and we learn from you and you give us instruction on how we should best live our lives according to God’s law but it ends there-
Narcissistic people (pastors) hate having their flaws pointed out
When you’re a pastor, you have to learn to take emails with a grain of salt. But, in this particular case, perhaps there was also a grain of truth. In fact, there’s frequently a grain of truth in everything someone finds painful if they simply have the will to see it. Narcissism, however, requires the often violent rejection of any person or idea that points out a deficiency in us. The challenge, for a narcissist, is to hear the grain of truth that may extend beyond the pain they feel for coming up short and being “busted” for it.
Here’s a reality pastor: you are not Jesus.
Years after the closure of this little congregation, I was similarly challenged by a guy who was a congregant and friend. I had pushed people quite hard to see and accept their giftedness so they could live into the call God had for their lives. In fact, I had declared (and still believe to an extent) that it was my personal calling in life.
Frequently (due to their own shame), the congregants could not see their giftedness and thus refused to live into their potential in the congregation. In fact, I was once told by this same person now confronting me that I had the hardest easy job in the world. It was easy because I just had to keep saying the same thing over and over again (1 Peter 2:9). It was hard because no one believed me.
The truth will set you free, but not before it makes you miserable (James Garfield)
The challenge from this guy in particular came years after the closure of the ministry. I had asked him to lunch seeking some insight as to what went wrong. I recall myself being genuinely and completely willing to listen, which was not always the case with me; typically I had an agenda and I didn’t want to be made aware of my flaws. He may have sensed this because what he brought up was tough to consider. He probably knew they would be hard words to hear for a narcissist.
He asked me if I needed people to live into their giftedness for their own benefit or for mine. He asked if I needed people to be serving in the congregation for their own benefit and the benefit of our fellow congregants or so that I could be seen as a success. He asked about the extent to which my need for success drove my actions.
I’ve found that in most all circumstances motives are almost always mixed. But he was making me aware of at least one of my motives: my need for success. I am sure that was not 100% of my motivation, but it was more substantial than I had previously considered. I had been discovered in all my flaws and frailties. At that point I could fight, run, or accept.
What drives this narcissistic motivation?
On further reflection, this motivation (my need to be seen as a success) was more significant than I had previously considered. Sadly, at the time, I was unaware of the damage I was doing to the congregation and congregants in my own need.
The question, of course, is what drives this behavior? What drives us in this endless struggle to think well of oneself to the point of doing damage to others?
Narcissism typically gets the blame along with its evil twin, pride. But it’s well known in psychological circles that shame is the underbelly of narcissism. I’ve also suggested shame is also the source of destructive pride.
Confessions of a recovering narcissist
Today I consider myself a recovering narcissist. I am very aware of my need to be seen as a success and the way it can motivate me. I am very aware of the degree to which I can operate without love and the damage it can bring to my fellow travelers. Ironically, for me to get there, it had to pass through the valley of abject failure. It’s a place I wish on no one. That said, I also recognize it is frequently our only hope for salvation.
Today my mission is to help others become aware of the extent to which shame is motivating and manipulating their lives to take actions they will later regret. I also hope to one day rejoin a congregation where I can use my gifts. This time with love. I am, after all, a recovering narcissist!
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November 11, 2017
Pride vs Shame
Pride vs shame is a complicated question that, frankly is quite simple. I am frequently challenged to explain the difference between pride and shame; usually from people with some or extensive experience in Christianity.
After eons of interpreting “the fall” and “original sin” as being primarily a result of pride (perhaps you’ve heard it said that pride comes before the fall), the church and a Christian culture is well versed in seeing pride as the greatest enemy of humanity. Pride has come so far as to have been labeled one of the “seven deadly sins”! There’s little surprise that the church spends so much time trying to help us deal with it given that context. Shame, then, becomes your ally in fighting pride and other social “ills”.
So, with a cultural background (largely Christian) of understanding shame as helpful to achieving “good” behavior and pride as harmful to our mortal souls, you can see why it’s quite a challenge to suggest shame is actually the root of all evil!
If it’s not pride, what is it?
From here on out, I will try to draw a parallel between lightning and pride. Pride, like lightning, can do a lot of damage. I don’t need the bible to tell me that as I’ve seen enough of it in my own life. While lightning (pride) certainly does the damage, it has a hidden source that generates this destructive force. Hidden in the atmosphere is a buildup of static electricity that no one can see which soon enough must erupt in violent damaging force.
Shame is the hidden “static” in our psychology – our emotional “atmosphere” – that generates pride and other destructive forces. My goal is to unmask this hidden driver so we can diffuse it before our pride, anger, ego, or whatever form our lightning is taking today before it can cause any more destruction.
Shame: the root of all evil
I am not trying to say pride doesn’t exist or that it’s not potentially a destructive force in our lives (my son, Troy taught me that). I’m trying to say that shame is the source of pride. I am trying to say that internal shame causes people to have to have the external expression of pride to cover up an actual internalized self-hatred. I am trying to say that shame (which has never been considered a sin in any religion that I know of), is the source of a wide array of poor behaviors and not a motivator of good behaviors. Shame is the root cause of what hurts our relationships with ourselves and each other. I’m trying to say that shame is really the root of all evil.
So what should we do?
Unmasking shame is the first and most vital step to take control of whatever destructive forces may be manipulating our lives. If we can get at this root driver, this emotional static electricity, we can begin to see how it’s been affecting us. Unmasking shame, is not an easy process and involves a great deal of listening to your own life story. While looking at your own story, look for where you’ve made decisions (large or small) that you regret to see what may have motivated those choices. If you see motivating forces such as pride, defensiveness, fear, depression or anger behind your regrettable decisions, you can bet it’s shame that’s truly the root driver.
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