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Shame and Suicide Prevention

Suicide: the Hidden Time Bomb

I just went to a funeral for a young man who had just graduated college and was preparing to begin his adult life. He committed suicide. Like with many suicides, his family and friends were left uttering the words “we had no idea”. What isn’t a surprise is when the subject is shame, there are no limits to the destructive decisions we may choose.

The frequency of this type of occurrence brings up the obvious point: suicide is brewing in a great number of us. It might even be safe to say that it’s something most of us have considered at some point. While my book on “destructive decisions” is based on all manner of regrettable choices, committing suicide is a most destructive decision.

Some have argued that those who have killed themselves are cowards, afraid to face the harsh realities of life that each of us has to endure. Others empathize with their suffering as they face similar pains and desires. Some may even be jealous. But most bystanders are just confused by the sudden and unexpected nature of what they are enduring.

I am no scholar in the arena of suicidal ideation. This makes me wonder if there’s potentially more harm than value in me speaking to it. Speaking to medical conditions that often undergird suicide or acute trauma that may push some to taking their own lives is beyond my expertise. I must release any pretense of authority in that realm to the experts and brain scientists. So rule number one is to get professional help.

Get Professional Help

Most important for me is to always suggest professional help. Professional help can give guidance to everything else I’m about to speak to below. Reaching out for help from professionals skilled with dealing with these situations can be extremely effective. In fact, simply admitting and talking about suicide is reported to be a key step in preventing your own. It’s the silent sufferer that is in the most danger.

Getting help can be a layered conundrum. Not only are there often psychological obstacles to overcome to getting help, there may also be material reasons.  Professional help may be out of reach due to money, insurance, and / or the just plain general availability. It can then also take months or years for professional help to “kick in”.

Getting help of any kind can be a horribly difficult choice. It requires the admission of our need for help. This admission will cause us to do battle with shame. Remember shame is asking us to resist being exposed and that includes exposing the truth of our selves to someone else. Oddly, getting help may actually be a more difficult choice than ending your life. Further, that admission, you will eventually realize, may get you “admitted”.

While I fully agree that if getting admitted is key to preventing a suicide, I’m all for it. This is even true for involuntary admissions. That said, people aren’t stupid. The prospect of losing your freedom may well result in not seeking professional help.

Getting help can hurt our journey if we end up seeking help from unhelpful people even if they are “professionals”.

It can expose us to the well-meaning clichés of others who hope to “fix us”It can generate feelings of failure in our loved ones to which we don’t want to expose them. Depression and suicide are things that our loved ones take personally even if it has nothing to do with them.Mental Illness Isn’t Contagious but it Feels Like it Is

I’ve often said that depression and mental illness feel contagious. Other people require us to be happy in order to maintain their own happiness and sense of self. If you are miserable and want to kill yourself, what will that say to your spouse, kids, parents or siblings?

It will tell them that you don’t mind leaving them. It will tell them that they are not enough. They may even feel to blame. Inflicting that pain on our loved ones often keeps us in solitude. We know what shame will tell them about themselves if they find out. All this despite the evidence that this suffering is incredibly common and part of the basic nature of life. It is, dare I say, biblical?

If getting help isn’t something you’re able to do or hasn’t worked for whatever reasons, don’t quit trying. However, there are some “self-help” steps I have found to be of value.

Getting “Self”-Help: Preventing Your Suicide

I may not be a medical expert, but I am an expert in psychological suffering. Further, I am an expert in the temptations that suffering can produce. My expertise is in the struggle.  I have experience with what Paul the apostle describes as a real uncertainty regarding his preference to stay here or to depart.  I know how important it is to know how to prevent your own suicide.

Volumes have been written on how to address the suicidal ideations of other people and their cries for help. There has been much encouragement regarding how to help prevent the suicide of other people. Much less is written about how to prevent our own except to suggest the aforementioned “get help”. This is odd since the only suicide you can actually prevent is your own and how unlikely suicidal people are to get help.

Step 1: Know that You are Not Alone

I suggested in the opening words of my book on shame that I would be successful if it simply communicated to people that they are not alone. It’s not 3 easy steps to this or that or a program of 5 things to avoid to be able to live a shame free life. Those are things publicity agents know sell books, but are often just other illusions. Understanding we are not alone in this complicated mess of suffering is actually the greatest truth toward transformation. It’s a little thing called empathy and it kills shame which is driving our desire to harm ourselves.

If you are floored by the suffering involved in life, you are not alone. You are joined by an array of people from great Buddhist thinkers to Mike Tyson to Mother Teresa and Paul the Apostle.

One of the great truths of Buddhism is that “life is suffering”. Author M. Scott Peck of the perennial classic “Road Less Traveled” agrees. His opening words are “life is difficult”. If you are Christian you can be assured through your own bible that all creation has been subjected to frustration and return to Paul the Apostle who wondered aloud if he preferred to live or die.

So know this: you’re not alone. Shame is determined to make you believe you are alone and to force you into aloneness. All predators know that the quickest kill is of the one who has left the herd in fear, illness, or age. In aloneness you are certainly easy prey. This is one reason getting help is often so effective.

Step 2: Avoid Illusions of Grandeur

If step 1 in preventing your own suicide is knowing you’re not alone, then step 2 is avoiding the illusion that life is supposed to be something other than suffering. This is pivotal to getting onto “the Road Less Traveled” or, as Jesus called it, “the way”. The more we live in the illusion that life is supposed to be something other than what is before us, the more our chances are that we will become disillusioned and commit suicide especially when something insurmountable happens.

Step 2a: Suspend the Clichés

As we attempt to avoid the illusion, we must ditch (or at least suspend) the clichés that plague our conscious existence. We must suspend the suggestion of friends and loved ones who are encouraging us to “look for the silver lining” or to “see the bright side”. My experience is that clichés such as these will fester in our souls like an unattended sliver. These clichés will simply make us wonder why we can’t see the bright side or, if we can see the bright side, why we don’t give a shit. We will wonder why we are simply unable to “get it” like everyone else can.

Step 2b: Face the Truth

Instead, I suggest, we face the brutal truth along with Mike Tyson, M. Scott Peck, and Buddhism that life is hard. Life is suffering. According to the bible (Romans 8:18ff), the world has been subjected to frustration and you and I are part of that world. The bible says all the world is groaning as in the pains of childbirth. ALL the world. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!

Step 3: redefine what “to live” means

A sure why to increase the temptation to take your own life is to believe you don’t matter. That makes the suffering almost sadistic. However, if we become active participants in “mattering” then we will find it increasingly more difficult to leave those who are counting on us. Finding a way to matter may be as simple as volunteering someplace or investing in a cause or a project.

This advice I take from Paul the Apostle (Phil 1:23 ff) who finally comes to the conclusion that, while he prefers to stop living, he realizes it is better for the world that he continues to exist.  Therefore, Paul is prepared to endure the suffering – head on – because the end game is worth it. This leads to step 4.

Step 4 – see suffering for what it is

Professional athletes go through tremendous physical sacrifice and suffering in order to excel at their trade. Most of us are unwilling to make the sacrifice so it’s rare that many will reach those levels of success. Growth only comes through pain and sacrifice and growth is the goal.

The difference is our goal is to defeat shame and to exist in a full frontal experience of what it means to be human. While not a Christian at the time, M. Scott Peck says the end game here is our transformation into the image of God. Becoming fully human and refusing to live in an illusion is an admirable goal. Contributing to the world in a way such that we are salt and light as the bible says is an admirable goal.

We are in the process of the eternal “becoming” of something we may not even be able to fully comprehend. Understanding this very basic premise that our present suffering is insignificant compared to the prize that awaits us for enduring with courage – not only enduring but helping people or a cause along the way – truly may make our present discomfort seem small.

Step 5 – see time for what it is: short

While the suffering may seem unbearable, our need to bear the suffering is really only a blink. I say this as I face my own 53rd birthday. Time is short. My 53 years has taught we that we can make this very short span in front of us. We can make by intentionally mattering. We can make it be seeing our suffering for what it is: our transformation into God’s image. Our goal and our gift await: our transformation into what it means to live into the truth with no illusions, defeating shame and living a truly human life.

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Shame vs Guilt – Key Distinctions for Healthy Living

Shame vs Guilt is one of the most frequent topics I address. This is partly because much of my work is done in Christian circles and “guilt” is the operative word among Western Christians. Further, as a result of our Christian heritage and DNA in the US, it’s a key facet to our cultural identity regardless of your religious background.

The Christian Background

I start with Christianity not to win converts or just because it’s where I spend most of my time. It’s also because this is where most Western culture gets its understanding of “guilt”. The first aspect of guilt relative to shame is guilt is simple.

Guilt isYou did something you should not haveYou didn’t do something you should have.

Guilt is simple – you did it or you didn’t. This leads to feelings of guilt but it also leads to what I can an adjectival reality – you are guilty regardless of how you “feel”. So guilt isn’t JUST a feeling. Christianity quite simply goes one step further and fixes the problem.

If you are guilty – Christ suffered and died to pay the price for your guiltYou get to go to heaven when you’re dead if you agree with all of the above.

Easy. You just have to know couple bullets. So, bottom line, Christianity (and so our US culture) almost has a historic preference of guilt relative to shame partly due to this simplicity.

WHY Do we Do What We Do is Key to understand Shame vs Guilt

Guilt never has to deal with more complicated questions like why you did whatever it was you did to begin with or what you did after you got caught doing it!! Shame, and my work as an exposer of shame is to get to the “why” or hidden motivator behind our actions, inactions, and reactions.

Taking my example from Christianity again, guilt helps you know why you are in trouble now and how to get out of it. It also reports to help you know where you’re going when you’re dead (if you follow the logic). However, it doesn’t answer complex questions like:

How did Jesus live?Why did Jesus live?What will you do between now and the time you are dead? What are the implications of what he said and did while alive?

Those questions are shame questions and are much more perplexing and complicated for the church to deal with.

Guilt is a Feeling and a Description while Shame is a Motivator

As I already alluded, Guilt arises from having done something bad – or sometimes not having done something good. With guilt, you can often point to the specific instance of the origin of the guilt. I know exactly when I broke my hand in a fit of rage when my daughter rolled her eyes at me. That’s guilt. What I don’t know is why I did what I did.  That’s shame – the “why” – the motivator for the bad we do or the good we don’t.

This brings up another couple of defining points I’ve already mentioned but are worth restating:

Guilt can be a feeling – as in one can certainly feel guilty.Guilt can also simply be an adjective. A person can be guilty regardless if they feel if they actually did the deed in question.Shame is never a feeling. You can feel embarrassed or feel sick about something but shame is not a feeling. Shame is not an emotion. It is a driver that causes us to react to certain stimuli.



Shame vs Guilt: Guilt Can Lead to Good but Shame Never Will

Guilt can bring about a positive response out of a negative situation. I may decide after I pound your fist through a wall, that I will apologize to my daughter to absolve my guilt (the feelings or the adjectival sense). I may attempt to make amends by going to an anger management class or sending myself to timeout. Guilt can be a motivator for good.

Shame’s main goal is to protect you from having your weaknesses and shortcomings exposed. Shame is there to protect you – that’s its job. That doesn’t seem so bad on the surface, which is why we give it control of our lives from a fairly early age. Why wouldn’t you partner with something that seems to be looking out for you?

When someone finds out who we “really are” – that we are weak, stupid, ugly, mean, or generally imperfect – there will be pain involved. Since no one enjoys pain, our psyche has made up a defense mechanism to prevent us from experiencing that exposure or pain. When someone finds out who we really are, our worst fear may be realized. We may be abandoned.

As a result, shame will do everything in its power to keep you protected. It all sounds great. The problem is those shame insists you do to protect yourself are never things that help you become a fully function human being. This is why I insist shame is the hidden driver behind our “destructive” decisions. They are things like rage, defensiveness, blame, narcissists, racism, perfectionism and most any other “ism” you care to throw in there.

Personal Example: Pastor Breaks Hand in Fit of Rage



Lying and Hiding

When I took the pulpit the Sunday morning guilty of breaking my hand in a fit of rage, shame made some suggestions. I was clearly guilty – the cast gave that away. But the congregation wouldn’t know why. Shame suggested I lie when people ask me what happened. Of course this would be an act for which I would later be “guilty” again meaning shame would have to help protect me from being exposed as a lier also.  Shame may have also asked me to avoid the situation altogether and call in sick. This is a softer lie that I may more easily rationalize and feel less guilty about.

Blame

Worse, and more common, shame helps us find someone to blame.

The most famous and first recorded scene of blame in the bible is after Adam is discovered by God. Adam is hiding (shame) because he’s afraid. Ironically, when he confesses why he’s afraid he doesn’t say it’s because he knows he’s in big trouble (guilt). He says he’s afraid because he’s naked. He’s vulnerable and exposed to be seen by God for who he really is. When he finds himself here he starts with hiding (as mentioned above). But when that doesn’t work he turns to blame. He blames both his wife and the one who gave him his wife!

I could have blamed my daughter for her behavior, my boss for stressing me out, my parents for the way they raised me, or the congregation for not praying for me hard enough. In any event, blame diverts the attention of those who had been looking at my shortcomings by calling into question the shortcomings of others.

Defensiveness and Anger

Another resource shame offers is defensiveness. This is a favored response for many. When I’m asked why happened to my hand I can say, rather aggressively, none of your damn business!! Or I could react with pride like I’m really tough for breaking through a door with my fist. The options for shame are limitless as long as it protects me from feeling exposed.

Therefore, guilt acknowledges that you’ve typically hurt someone else while shame aims to protect you from letting the truth out about your inner ugliness even if that means hurting someone else or hurting yourself in a way that’s less publically obvious.

Going Back Christianity – Jesus is Confronted with Shame But Was Guilty of Nothing

While the death of Jesus may have absolved our guilt, it’s in his life that we find how to struggle against this inner demon and live a life not motivated by shame. We also see where shame originates – in self-hatred. Jesus shows us the way, so to speak, by being “the way”. The main point of Jesus may not have been him showing us the way we are going when we are dead (a guilt issue) but the way we are to live while we are alive (a shame issue).

The most dramatic example of this came near the end of his life: 

Matthew 27 12 When He was accused by the chief priests and the elders, He gave no answer. 13Then Pilate asked Him, ‘Don’t You hear the testimony they are bringing against You?’14But Jesus made no reply, not even to a single charge – the governor was amazed

His Response is Silence and Vulnerability

His silence is odd. Rather than taking the opportunity to defend himself or even to teach people about himself, Jesus said nothing.  Ironically in saying nothing, Jesus was doing a better job describing himself and “the way” than any self-defense could accomplish. After all, blame, defensiveness and anger are hallmarks of a life fully manipulated by shame not the way out of it.

Instead, he offers himself, defenseless and vulnerable to the authorities.

His Response is Compassion and Empathy

When Jesus finally speaks it’s at the cross and people are casting lots for his clothes. As words finally come from his mouth they are not defensiveness and blame or any of the weapons I would reach for. When he speaks it’s with empathy and compassion – the two things that kill shame. Forgive them father, they don’t know what they are doing.

Why Jesus Matters

As I mentioned above, I don’t throw Jesus into this to get converts but to use as an example. When I was an atheist, this is what drove me to Jesus. It took me decades to begin to “believe” in Jesus, but because of what I saw, I decided to follow him regardless of what I believed. I saw a man who was not manipulated by shame and I knew that was a life well lived.

Shame vs Guilt: In Summary

Guilt speaks to something you did while shame speaks to something you ARE.

Shame speaks to your understanding of your own soul – which is why shame is working so hard to prevent that ugly from being seen by the world. So the difference between shame and guilt always begins with what the voice of each is saying to you:

Guilt SaysShame SaysYou DID something bad…You ARE badYou SAID something stupid…You ARE stupidYou MADE a mistake…You ARE a mistakeYou ACTED like a jerk…You ARE a jerkYou LIED…You ARE a liarThe Voice of Guilt vs Shame

Are the two related? Absolutely! If you do certain acts (such as lie), you can begin to see yourself as a “bad” person – a “liar”. You can begin to see yourself as dishonest in your core (shame).  The problem is, this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy such that you will lie all the more because it becomes part of your identity and self-understanding.  In my book I call this the shame spiral.

Remember, the voice of guilt can actually be helpful if it assists in a restoration or growth process.  Guilt can set in motion a process of making amends or self-improvement.  Guilt can even begin a process of asking shame questions – asking the “why” questions. One can attempt to understand why one berates people in order to prevent it from happening in the future. Conversely, shame will never hand you a helpful tool to aid in your defense or your isolation. It will only hand you relationship toxins.

We need to begin to listen specifically to the language you are hearing about ourselves.  If that language is specific to an action or event, it may be guilt challenging us to address whatever the particular action or event was – which can be a good thing! 

However, if you begin to hear language that is more specific to who you are as a person, that’s shame talking.  Dealing with shame is a much more challenging situation. However, it is all the more critical to address shame as it is likely manipulating many of your actions in self destructive ways. This is especially true since it operates as a hidden driver behind your destructive decisions.

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Keep going. Empathy, Compassion and Kindness Matter

“I’m tired boss…. Remember that from the Green Mile?” And his look said the rest. Now what? Toward the end of my time in ministry, I can remember standing in the back of the church building as worship was starting. This guy, who I’ve always deeply respected, looked me in the eye and quoted these words from the Green Mile. I wanted to encourage him to keep going – that empathy and compassion matter – but I didn’t have it in me. He was right. Grizzly Adams was my childhood hero for this exact reason.

I remember the sincerity in his soul as he spoke these words to me. He spoke almost not really to me but just out loud and I just happened to be standing there to absorb them. They remind me of the words that, perhaps, Jesus himself might have uttered in prayer to his “father in heaven”.

Shame requires we hurt each other in order to protect ourselves. It also requires we feel pain from others that was, perhaps, never directed at us. It requires we take things personally and then lash out, get even, shell up, or run and hide. Shame’s goal is to get us to quit and to isolate because we just can’t stand the pain any more.

There’s a question for which I don’t yet have the answer: how, in the midst of this reality, do we choose to be kind anyway? How do we choose to offer grace and empathy and forgiveness and compassion when every evidence suggests it simply isn’t doing any good? After all, even Jesus healed 10 lepers – only one of which ever came back to say thanks.

As an atheist, this is what drew me to Jesus even when I didn’t believe he actually existed. I suppose I still struggle with that whole “believing” thing :). I saw in Jesus what I think it’s supposed to look like to be truly human. There was an ability to absorb this pain and get back up and keep giving a shit. Somewhere I saw a person who believed that not only does being kind, compassionate, and empathetic matter, but that it might be the only thing that matters. I think Jesus called this “the way“.

This is my continued and only resolution as I stare into 2021. I want to embrace a life not dictated to me by my psychology but by my desire to do what matters despite the outcome. In short, regardless of my ability to “believe” in Jesus, I resolve to embrace my will to live like him.

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The COVID-19 Legacy? Hate and Division

A Physical Ailment Mutates to an Emotional Ailment

In 2020 this nation and the world came under attack from a virus – a type of coronavirus to be precise. This virus has caused the death of millions globally and will probably go down as one of the deadliest in history. However, the real legacy of COVID-19 is much more sinister. The COVID-19 legacy of hate and division will be with us long after COVID-19 is gone.

We have found a way to provide just the right conditions for this physical blob of protein called COVID-19 to mutate into something much more sinister and much more resistant to treatment. The conditions have been just right for this physical ailment to mutate into an emotional one. This new virus or legacy for COVID also has a name: hate. Hate is a condition for which there is no vaccine but, like COVID, infection rates are heavily choice dependent.

A Crisis that Divides Instead of Unifies

In almost all cases, a crisis tends to bring a people together. Whether it’s a crisis in a family, a city, or a country. Who hasn’t seen it where neighbor upon neighbor come together after a tornado rips through town or cancer strikes a family? This COVID-19 crisis has been different though; it has torn us limb from limb pitting communities and family members against each other.

We are a nation founded on individual rights and freedoms for sure. We are also a nation that reports itself to believe in the rule of law and a land professing to bear a great moral compass. All three of these aspects now find they cannot live in the same house and the divorce has begun. It’s up to each of us to now decide which parent we want to live with.

There has even been discussion that this has been the worst national division since the civil war. Our disdain and even hatred for one another is nearly all we can see in front of us as we try to decide which side we are on in this mess. To mask or not to mask is now the question – the only question.

Physical vs Emotional Scars

The day will come when we may forget why we hate each other – leaving arguments of who is an “essential” worker and who is disposable and leaving terms like “mask up” to the history books. But emotional scars from human division will continue to reap rewards far after anyone remembers how those scars were originally produced.

This is just the nature of how emotional damage continues for generations. There is little debate regarding the damage of emotional wounds compared with physical wounds. Physical scars heal, but emotional damage continues to work in and through us hindering our ability to function in a healthy fashion. This virus, hate, is contagious as well. These wounds and this contagion will be passed on to our children and then their children.

Will Shame have the Last Word?

Shame’s goal is division. Hatred is the handiest of tools to get to that goal. In 2020 shame won – we have been divided.

It will be interesting to see if this destructive force wins out in 2021. There is suggestion that the change of presidency will bring healing to this land. That’s a lie that shame will also manipulate to divide us as we attempt to demonize one man and sanctify another. Regardless of who is President, the choice to hate and divide has been and continues to be ours alone. This will be the conclusion of the story – determining if we can all step back from the collective ledge we are in and save this marriage for the sake of the kids. It’s time to unmask this hidden driver and its effects before the Covid-19 legacy of hate and division is cemented.

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Shame vs Embarrassment

Shame and embarrassment get confused quite often though there’s been a lot written about the similarities and differences. This is to shame’s benefit. The insidious and toxic ability of shame is never more present than in its ability to disguise itself as other things. In fact, we frequently see the “effects” of shame but rarely see shame itself.  We see things like

PrideFearNarcissismPerfectionismRacism/Sexism – or any other “ism” that degrades a class of peopleAnger

All these things are the symptoms of a hidden disease. These things are the tremors that result from a brain tumor. We spend a great deal of time trying to address the symptoms and never get around to dealing with the tumor.

Shame has also found a way to hide behind the term embarrassment. This makes light of how insidious and destructive shame can be by comparing it to how childish and lighthearted feeling embarrassed can be. If we just think shame equals feeling embarrassed we are likely to never do anything about it. In fact, if we equate shame with an emotion or feeling at all as some have done, we have remarkably minimized shame.

While embarrassment is not shame, it’s an indicator that shame will soon arrive. Embarrassment is one of the feelings that will trigger shame to come to our rescue to get us out of some mess we have created for our selves.

Embarrassment is a feeling that’s typically associated with getting “caught”. We can be caught in a physical reality such as having stolen money from the church collection plate for example. More frequently, we experience a perceived deficiency in our self-assessment. This is why we hide our face when we are embarrassed or feel “caught”. We intuitively know we don’t want people associating us with what just happened.

In my book, I recall an embarrassing moment in a radio interview. As the interview started, the host asked me if I had a psychology degree. This degree would give me authority to speak on the subject of the psyche such as shame. Since I have no such degree that legitimizes me, I felt embarrassed. I felt caught trying to make myself more than I was and I had those “feelings” come over me.

Shame, on the other hand, is inner motivator that tells us what to do in that situation. It can suggest we lie, run, lash out, or in some way defend ourselves from the “attack” on our credibility. Shame is actually doing this to help protect us from feeling the pain of “embarrassment”. Once we sense we’ve been “discovered”, shame will be there to protect us. This is also where shame will suggest we turn on our own selves for being so stupid to even subject yourself to this interview. Shame will suggest you never speak on such things ever again.

So you can see, embarrassment is a feeling while shame is a motivator to action. Most often, the decisions we make while shame is in charge are decisions we will later regret. They are decisions that will hurt us. They will hurt our growth and maturity but they will also hurt others in ways to numerous to tell.

Our goal is to recognize that when we feel embarrassed, shame will soon arrive to give us some suggestions on what to do next. It’s typically in our best interest to avoid those suggestions and head shame off at the pass. If we are aware that shame is going to show up, we should prepare what we are going to say in advance of that so that shame begins to realize we aren’t afraid of feeling embarrassed.

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Apology accepted (you idiot).

Apologizing is key to defeating shame.

The apology is a powerful tool in the arsenal in the war against shame. In fact, apologizing defeats shame. If you’ve followed my work, you know I call the apology the nuclear option in the war against shame. However, accepting the apology is equally important. Apologizing is difficult because it means acknowledging your humanity. This is a skill that seems in short supply today.

Apologizing is, without question, taking shame to the mat for a submission. So whenever I see someone offer a genuine apology, I’m always impressed. I’m also relieved because I know the blow that was just dealt to shame. Likewise I know the victory shame achieves when an apology is withheld.

I came across an interesting scenario recently: an apology in politics. The idea is almost unheard of in our present culture. It turns out, Representative Doug Collins said something he regretted. He made a mistake. The challenge now would be to admit and own his humanity. Would he have the courage? He did!

This was now a prime scenario for shame to be defeated. A gracious acceptance of the apology from the individuals harmed by Representative Collins’ statement would be the end of it!

Accepting the apology matters just as much.

If someone apologizes to you, there’s a window there for healing like rarely exists anywhere else. Accepting the apology and returning empathy – realizing that you too are human and make mistakes – is the death knell for shame.

Alternatively, you can accept an apology while reminding the person that what they said or did was idiotic. What’s happening there is shame is insisting we dominate another person when they are most vulnerable (and most brave).

Perhaps their bravery scares us so we insist on continuing to remind them of the stupidity of their actions. Perhaps we ourselves are afraid our own stupidity and vulnerability will be demonstrated.

Fueled by shame.

When you are fueled by shame, you are unable to accept an apology gracefully. You are unable to allow the person that to which they are due – gratitude for demonstrating such courage in a time when there is no such courage. When you are fueled my shame you have to take the apologizer’s acknowledgement of their mistake and admission of their humanity and rub it in their face like feces of a puppy you’re trying to train to crap outside.

Shame wins when we insist on reminding the person who wronged us of the decision they made because of our own need to look big in the eyes of the world.

Speaker Pelosi offered the following acceptance:

“As I enter into the conversation, I want to thank the distinguished gentleman from Georgia for his apology for his ridiculous remarks about me and House Democrats,” Pelosi said as she took to the floor to discuss impeachment.”

Why couldn’t she just have said, “thank you for your humility and generosity – may it be a lesson to us all”?? Apologizing defeats shame. Accepting the apology matters just as much.

Acknowledge Courage When Spotted

Thank you, Representative Collins. Thank you for showing us what it looks like to do battle with shame and how it manipulated a decision in your life you later regretted. I’m sorry that where you sought to demonstrate some much needed psychological leadership, it was not celebrated in a world that seems more driven by shame than ever. It was brave of you to offer it and I respect you more for it. What you did was one giant step toward unmasking shame in your life and the lives of others.

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Feelings hurt? Shame to the rescue!

Shame seems like it’s your ally – when your feelings are hurt, it will come to your rescue

Shame’s primary goal is to “protect” you from getting your feelings hurt. As soon as your feelings are hurt, shame will come to the rescue to offer you some suggestions on how to protect yourself.

I’m very familiar with hurting people’s feelings. I raised 4 kids. I pastored a church. I am a human. I’m fond of saying, wherever two or more are gathered in his name someone’s feelings are going to get hurt.

What we may not know about getting our feelings hurt is that it normally happens because we feel exposed for some reason – or we feel found out. When we feel exposed, we typically experience some negative emotion – like pain. Emotional pain means our “feelings” are “hurt”.

What’s the difference between hurt feelings and getting ticked off?

Well, frequently there’s no difference at all. This can often be a gender issue. Men frequently can’t admit their feelings were hurt so men typically grab a shame based diversionary tactic called rage. But men never pause to wonder why exactly they are ticked off. It’s likely because their feelings were hurt. They felt exposed and / or maybe something about them was “discovered” that they preferred remain hidden.

People frequently describe feeling embarrassed or humiliated. But, in this context, these are different than feeling shame. Shame is a defense mechanism to the feeling of embarrassment or humiliation you “feel” when something about you is exposed. Perhaps it’s been discovered that you made a mistake, that you gained weight, that you lost a competition, that you were wrong about something. Who knows. You will feel embarrassed and humiliated. That’s when shame shows up.

What’s the value of feeling those things?

Well, when feel those things we become aware of our humanity. Shame prefers our humanity goes unnoticed.

To shame, our humanity is synonymous with everything we don’t like about ourselves. Our limitations and our neediness. But this is what it means to be human. Shame, which is not an emotion but a contagion of sorts, wants to actually show you your humanity in a negative sense so that you can hide it from yourself and others. After all, it’s there to “help” you!!

Narcissism: The Need to Make Things Great

The main goal of a narcissist is to be known as being great. That’s it. You don’t actually even have to be great as long as you are known for being great all will be well. The need is a force that’s almost uncontrollable.

Birth of the need for greatness

It’s born from a self-contempt originating normally in childhood when a child is not given the affirmation they need to mature into a healthy adult. They then continue to strive in vain for the loving gaze of their mother or the reassuring words of their father. That need simply can’t be filled in the extreme examples once you reach adulthood.

It’s why narcissists are always showing off. It’s why they need to win. It’s why they need an ever-flowing string of affirmation – in hopes of filling that unfillable hole.  The opposite is also true – it’s why they can’t handle criticism because it threatens something very deep inside them. It affirms their own self-hatred.

Oddly, narcissism is often conflated with egotism – thinking too highly of one self. It’s an illusion the narcissist needs to create and maintain in order to throw you and his or her own self off track from what’s really driving them: self-hatred.

This is not rocket science. You can find this in any psych 101 text book.

Making something great

As such, the narcissist needs to be part of something great – especially if they can be instrumental in making something great.

I had to face that exact accusation after the demise of the congregation I led. It was suggested that I needed to be part of something great because I needed to be great. It’s an interesting argument that wasn’t entirely devoid of truth.

Certainly there are people who have a drive to make an institution or organization great: a church, company or even a nation. Perhaps that person legitimately wants to see greatness for that entity outside any personal neediness themselves. It can be hard to say.

The difference is the end game

For the narcissist, however, the greatness of the entity is not the end game. The end game is that they were the person who made that entity great.

Perhaps that need for the parental gaze of approval will finally land upon them. Said person really doesn’t want the approving gaze to be on the entity they helped make great at all – the church, business, or country. They need the gaze for themselves.

Again – not rocket science – you can look it up.

Alternatives?

The opposite of such a person is the person who seemed always aware that the approving gaze of his father was always there.

That person will not have a need for that approval because they know so deeply they already have it.  They are suddenly able to redefine what it means to be great.

To such a person, greatness as an individual, institution, company, congregation, or country can then be entirely turned upside down almost. In this case the greatest becomes the least and the servant becomes the greatest of all.

Such a person would have no need be known to have triumphed over anything because they have no need to win anything. When such a person feels treated unfairly or unjustly they simply offer back to their accuser compassion and empathy instead of defensiveness and rage. They have no need to get even. In fact, such a person would never feel a need to strike back at their accusers at all – almost turning the other cheek so to speak.

The battle

It is my intent, as a human, having seen both examples displayed before me, to choose the path less traveled.

It will be a challenge because I still need that approval. I still need to win. I still need to be known as the one who built something great. I still find something nourishing in being known as being the smartest, fastest, strongest, etc….

So I find myself standing between two examples. I am standing between two men both of whom seem to reside at one time in me. There is a battle between two definitions of greatness.

One path seems easier to follow because it makes me feel good inside. It feels good to win. It feels good to defend myself, defeat others and fight back for some reason I can’t entirely explain. The other is more challenging because it doesn’t seem to put any weight on how I feel inside at all. It intends for something truly different: that I become good.

As a reminder, I have an image that was seared into my mind exactly a year ago today. It’s what was left of a gable truss after an arsonist burnt my barns to the ground – my barns that had been collecting what moth and rust destroy and what thieves break in and steal. You can see the flames in the background.

The image, seared in my soul, reminds me that the watchful (and corrective) eye of “my father” is upon me – that there is no need for my narcissism. It reminds that it matters how I live my life. It reminds me that becoming great again matters – but not until that greatness has been properly defined outside the scope of human narcissistic neediness.

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Overcoming Shame Means Dealing with Criticism

Narcissists hate criticism. Let’s be blunt about that. It’s almost unbearable. But overcoming shame (and narcissism as a result) means dealing with criticism.

When a person with shame based narcissistic tendencies such as me does something creative, they frequently hope for and search out positive reviews of their work. It can be shame inducing to admit that’s the case but that’s what we do.

We want people to like what we do because it’s a reflection of ourselves. It doesn’t always work that way as a recent review I received will attest. When a negative review – especially an extensively detailed negative review – comes along, the narcissist will feel pain (as we all might to some extent).

Pain Then Shame

When the pain arrives, shame will offer a few suggestions on how you should deal with the criticism.

Defend yourself (usually in an angry, condescending way). The goal here is to show that the critic is an idiot thereby deflecting people from seeing YOU as the idiot you’re afraid you just might be.Run, hide, and swear to never put yourself out there again.Blame – which means finding some excuses for the shortcomings the critic has found in your work.Pretend not to care. This is totally third grade, but it’s the defense mechanism of choice for many.

These represent my instinctive reactions to criticism. However, what I “preach” is instead of listening to shame, do the opposite of what it’s telling you to do and, instead, offer back courage, compassion, and more vulnerability – as keys to defeating the hold shame has on your life

Alternative Strategies

So, instead of listening to shame’s suggestions in this moment of critique, what would increased courage, vulnerability and compassion look like in this moment?

Learn and Grow

First, it’s important to remember that I’m a big fan of the idea that these moments offer us substantial learning opportunities. Perhaps there are things I can learn from a negative critique – and I believe there are almost always things you can learn about yourself from the challenge of others.

We can minimally learn how shame is motivating and manipulating our lives specifically based on how we feel like responding to criticism for example – even if we learn nothing from the critique itself. Shame is trying to prevent all learning and growing from happening.

Learning, however, does require being vulnerable to critique – exposing yourself to it as it were. In this way you can hear what can be said to you through the criticism. That can be a tough place to go. But, where there is no learning, there is no growth.

Compassion and Courage

It’s also been suggested that compassion is key to defeating shame. Compassion toward yourself for potential errors you made in your work for starters. It takes self compassion to reject the voice of self-contempt that may arise with each criticism. It’s important to consider that you may not be “wrong” just because someone says you are. They may just have a different view.

Further, you do you have to prove them wrong because they offered a critique either!! Even if things are said in hurtful or angry ways, it’s likely the critic is also hurting or angry as well and doesn’t know what to do with their own anger and hurt. Our goal then, is simply to be kind.

Vulnerability is Key

In the end, vulnerability, which is the key to confronting the hold shame has on your life, comes with risks. Vulnerability means someone is going to point out things about you (real or perceived) and judge you based on those things. Vulnerability means some people may attempt to diminish you and what you’re attempting to do.

They maybe right – hear me on this – they may be right in their critique. Or they may not. What matters is observing how shame is rising up in you when you hear it and choosing how you will respond.

In this way, vulnerability mostly offers opportunity. Opportunity for shame to arrive and suggest you take actions that you will later regret. It’s in this moment we are given a chance to make a decision other than what shame suggests and retake our lives from this destructive force.

Celebrating our Humanity Defeats Narcissism and Shame

I have made many mistakes in life. I am certainly a failed teacher and, in fact, no longer consider myself a teacher at all, but a student. I have made mistakes in marriage, in parenting, in pastoring, in farming, and any and all other of life’s roads I have traveled. Most regrettably and in summary I have likely failed to follow Christ in a way that’s entirely helpful. I have been misguided, misaligned, misinformed, and misunderstood. All these things are because I am human. A fact I must now embrace in order to kill the Narcissistic voice in my soul. Defeating narcissism is possible.

Companion for the Journey

In my book, I offer no easy answers. Some may say the book is quite short on answers altogether! Instead, all I offer you is my companionship on your journey through this quest to understand yourself and the role shame may be playing in your life. It’s my hope that my companionship on the journey will make it a little less bleak, a little lighter, and a little less lonely.

Perhaps I’m wrong and misguided in that hope. But it’s my hope nonetheless.

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Racism arrives on the farm to remind me of its hidden driver.

I was recently reminded that shame drives racism when we ignorantly project our own self-contempt onto others.

A fella came to look at a bull this weekend. He asked me about the barn fire and whether or not they caught the guy that burnt it down. I told him they did catch him. His next question floored me. “Was he black”? He looked at me as if to suggest I would understand what he was getting at (perhaps because I am a 50 year old white male myself). My stomach turned. I was in shock. This guy thought I was on his side.

Even though I have black children, I had been lulled into
forgetting that some people still view “them” as something to despise. How
could I have forgotten that? How could I have forgotten what my children
experience every day?

The only thought registering in my head was a hope that my
daughter (who is black) didn’t walk up to see what was going on. Perhaps that
would have been better if she had? Other than that, my only response was to
say, “No, he wasn’t”. Does that make me an accomplice?

When my daughter eventually did come find me, I confessed the situation to her. My own shame overtook me when she asked, “What did you say to him”? I felt like I should have said something. Maybe I should have asked him to leave? Maybe I should have told him about my own kids? What am I supposed to do with this man? I felt like I failed her.

I recalled my
conversation with my eldest daughter when she was in grade school – how she had
labeled herself the “ugly one” and thought – here it is. This is why my
daughter and so many African American women struggle the way they do. Perhaps
this is why so many African American men are afraid in the streets?

This is why parts of our country still need to be reminded
that #blacklivesmatter even though, as a white male, I have questioned the
validity of such a organization. These racial hatred concepts seem so abstract
till they end up (literally) in your back yard . . . and you say nothing.

I don’t want to hate him. We become what we hate and there
is simply enough hate in this world already it seems to me. Beyond that, I
actually don’t hate him. I’m not sure why. What does that say about me? Did he
not just attack my kids? I felt very differently toward this man than I did
toward the man who specifically threw a
horrible racial slur at my daughter at a basketball game.

When they were casting lots for Jesus’ clothes after nailing
him to the cross, Jesus offered empathy and compassion when he said “forgive
them father, they don’t know what they are doing”.

I believe the man’s comments were in ignorance. A sad,
lonely ignorance leaving him unaware of the degree to which he just dehumanized
an entire race. Similar to how I wanted to dehumanize the man who I saw attack
my daughter directly. Similar to the ignorant life I was living up till that
very moment having forgotten the hate in parts of this country for African Americans.
He is likely ignorant of the way his own shame and self-hatred are being
transferred onto an entire people group – one to which my children belong. Shame, after all, knows no bounds.

If this man knew my kids, would he think differently? Would
it matter if he knew what they meant to me and what they had done for me? Is it even
mine to defend or to forgive? My heart breaks for my “black” kids who have done
so much for me and for themselves.

Shame is the hidden driver behind racism and most other hatred toward individuals or people groups when we ignorantly project our own self-contempt onto others.

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