Kate Bornstein's Blog, page 5

Please Help Me Update My Gender Workbook

Dear Hearts,

I'm thrilled to write that I've been asked by Routledge Publishing to update my fifteen year old book, My Gender Workbook. We struck a deal, I've got the green light, and I've begun writing My New Gender Workbook. I'm so excited!

WHY AN UPDATE?

I've been in touch via Twitter, my blog, and YouTube with a lot of people who regularly read and use My Gender Workbook both in class and daily in their lives. It turns out that people really like the principles of the book—but that many of the cultural references and contexts—even the way some quiz questions are phrased—are out of date, and this sometimes gets in the way of grasping the important stuff. So, an update would involve a page by page combing out of outdated references. For example…

There's much more awareness of intersections of oppression and marginalization.
There's a much more sophisticated understanding of & experience with the Internet.
The geopolitical world has grown vastly more polarized since the book came out.
In a few places in the world, reat strides have been made in sex-and-gender freedoms.
At the same time, many ghastly practices of policing sex and gender have been uncovered.
Sex-and-gender activism has become globalized, and shuffled into the deck of social activism.
Young Female-to-Male has replaced Middle-Aged Male-to-Female as the face of transgender in the world.
Sex and Gender activism & awareness has become increasingly polarized along lines of class, race, and age.

WHERE DO YOU COME IN?

As in the original book, I'll be looking for a great many voices other than my own. In the original, there were hundreds of voices other than mine, appearing in lists, text boxes and call-outs.  In the new version, I'm aiming to include even more voices. My idea is to maintain a running commentary of multiple voices all through the book. 

SUBMISSION GUIDELINES

All submissions for the workbook should be in the form of tweets, or at most double tweets—that is to say, all submission should be no longer than 140 to 280 characters, including the mandatory hashtag: #MNGW (My New Gender Workbook). Why so short? The very best voices in the original workbook were short, articulate, and right to the point. 

SO—WHAT DO YOU WRITE ABOUT?

Any gender-related topic you damned please.

However, over the course of the next 4-6 weeks, I'll be asking specific questions on this blog and on Twitter. There's going to be a new question every couple of days. But you don't have to wait for the questions. If you've got anything to say in 140-280 characters, I WANT TO READ IT, and I promise I will.

HOW DO YOU SEND IN YOUR SUBMISSION?

The best way is to use Twitter. Remember, two tweets maximum. All submission tweets must include the hashtag #MNGW or they very likely will slip through the cracks and we most certainly do not want that!

You can also post your answer on this blog. If you do, make sure you give us a way to reach you if we need to. 

Or, you can email your submission to: mynewgenderworkbook at gmail dot com. 

Please note that we will use no one's words without their express permission. 

Finally, there's no promise that your name will appear next to your words, or that your words will be used. Everyone whose words are used will be credited with the name of your choosing in the acknowledgements.

There's only one more rule for submissions: don't be mean. 

ENOUGH ALREADY—HERE'S THE FIRST QUESTION

What's your gender?

 ____

I cannot WAIT to see your kickass smart answers to this simple li'l question.

Please do retweet and repost and link to this blog to as many places as you can—even the surprising places.

Thank you in advance for all your help and support.

Big love,

Auntie Kate

 

 

 

How Do You Spot a Bully?

I put the question out on twitter: how do you spot a bully? what is it that bullies do that makes them instantly recognizable as bullies. I'll be using these answers in a new book I'm working on, but I think the way articulate feedback I got is important enough to share right now, along with the twitter names of the folks who wrote them. Some folks, including yours truly, came up with several ways to spot them.

So... watch for these signs:

@katebornstein: They hurt/pick on/target ppl who aren't in a position to fight back. Like #BofA charging $5 a month to use yr debit card.

@katebornstein: They ask you either/or questions, eg my way or the highway.

@katebornstein: They shout you down, don't let you speak your ideas or opinions.

@mary_menville: They believe that the only way to meet their needs is at the expense of yours

@msmanitobain:  stare at you; mutter derogatory names at you as they pass by

@musingvirtual: the more subtle ones gaslight, reference "Are You Being Gaslighted"

@UrbanRoguery: They make 'you' statements bc its easier to attack than reflect and hear. They fight to 'win' not solve.

@fgg23: they think laughter is a weapon in itself, and sometimes it works

@fgg23: They are always SO SURE that they will get away with everything.

@fgg23: They use ignorance to their benefit. "I don't understand you" = "You're wrong"

@blurabbit147: they laugh at the suffering of others, not from a place of relating, from a place of cruelty.

@sbearbergman make themselves feel big by making you feel small

@AHaefner: ad homenim attacks (eg: They attack your words instead of responding to your point)

@SaraEileen: They belittle your emotions / opinions / sense-of-self by insisting you can't understand them, or yourself.

@Siniful They spread misinformation, for either their own gain or to put down others. They thrive by ignorance.

@LauraVogel They put forth their views in a way that make you feel dumb for disagreeing. "I'm right, you're stupid."

@supermattachine They insist they know you better than you know yourself.

@AliceSinAerie: they use you to make themselves look/feel more important

@AliceSinAerie: they intentionally embarrass you in front of others

@heavenscalyx They hurt you (physically, emotionally) then claim it was a "joke". Or maybe that's #howtospotanabuser

@BigDaddyKeltik: they'll test you, see how you respond, if you show weakness, you become a target. They'll test with little attacks, comments, questions, and it'll build from there. Whatever your weakness is, thats what they exploit

@danielsiders: references NY Times article "Why Cyberbullying Rhetoric Misses the Mark"

@MSvairini: They act like they have nothing at all in common with you.  Not even humanity.

@NJrugger45 almost nothing stops them. Not ignoring it, not talking back, not crying. Usually takes someone to intervene

So, wow, right? These seem pretty spot on to me. If you have any to add, please do so in the comments section below.

Wishing you safe bully-spotting.

xoxo

Auntie Kate

 

 

 

Trans Pride — Talking Points, Toronto 2011

I was invited to Toronto this year to speak at Trans Pride. I don't often get invited to speak at Pride events, so not too many people have heard or read what I think about LGBTetc Pride, and more specifically Trans Pride.

A lot of what I said at Toronto Trans Pride is part of a book I'm working on for Seven Stories Press, called No Votes For Bullies: Democracy For The Rest of Us. If all goes according to plan, the book should be out in September, 2012—a couple of months after my memoir, A Queer and Pleasant Danger, comes out from Beacon Press in June, 2012.

So, here are the talking points I used for my talk on Trans Pride, delivered to some hundreds of lovely gender anarchists and sex positive, sex inclusive outlaws at the post-march Gender Revolution stage in Toronto on July 1st, 2011.

Click to download Talking Points PDF file

Okey dokey, then. I'm still writing the first draft of my memoir, It goes to the printer at the end of August and I have miles to go before I sleep.

Happy Summer!

kiss kiss

Kate 

 

A Tribute to Mx Justin ViVian Bond

 Last night—Monday, April 25th, 2011, I was honored to present Mx Justin ViVian Bond with an award of recognition and appreciation from Performance Space 122 in New York City. 

PS 122 is celebrating it's 30th anniversary, and last night they were honoring three performing artists: Carmelita Tropicana, Danny Hoch, and Justin ViVian Bond.

I've known Mx (Justin ViVian's salutation of choice) Bond… well, it's coming up on twenty years. V (Justin ViVian's pronoun of choice) is simply one of the dearest people I know. But I had to be brief. The evening's coordinator, Lucy Sexton, was quite clear that I had only two minutes to speak, and no more. I stretched it to three, maybe four. Afterwards, she laughed and told me that she'd only said two minutes so I wouldn't go on for ten or fifteen! I could have done that easily. But here's more or less the text of what I had to say before presenting Mx Bond with v's award.

 

Justin ViVian, I love you. Always have, always will.

kiss kiss

Auntie Kate

To T, or Not to T. That's The Frakking Question.

[image error] Last night, I wrote a blog in which I apologized for using the word tranny. I said I'd try my best not to use it in public any more. Well, I did try my best and it made me feel miserable. I cried myself to sleep, and I woke up crying. I woke up feeling weaker than I've felt in a long time. 

I like the word tranny. It makes me feel strong and happy when I do use the word tranny. I like other people who use the word tranny affectionately with one another. I don't want to stop using the word. Of course I don't want to be mean to people who are hurt by the word, but the fact is I have never used the word tranny with the intention of being mean to people. 

I've been on an extremely rigorous tour schedule for the past few months, and I'm exhausted. I made the decision to post last night more out of fear and overwhelm than out of strength of conviction. So, I've reconsidered what I said and why I said it, and I've taken down that post. 

Kiss Kiss,

your everlovin' tranny auntie kate

Hello, Cruel App! Yes! On yer iPhone or iPad!

Hello, Cruel World is currently back on the shelves in its 4th printing, widely available in bookstores... AND NOW it's also a shiny new app for the iPhone and iPad. I am so excited, I can't see straight.

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Thanks to the awesome persistence of the loverly coders at Apollic Software, led by Daniel Siders. And thanks to my dear publisher, Seven Stories Press.

Here are just a few of the features you get for your US$ 2.99:

All 101 alternatives to suicide for teens, freaks, and other outlaws, laid out in nifty scroll-through cards with fun illustrations.
Super smooth, intuitive interface.
Easy choice of alternatives as rated by effectiveness, ease, and degree of safety/danger.
Awesome selection of alternatives by cloud.
Easily tag alternatives as your favorites.
Live link to the hashtag stayalive on Twitter.
The ability to email a Get Out of Hell Free card to anyone you like!
A list of actions you can take if you need help NOW to stay alive.

Check out some dee-lish screen shots:

I am thrilled beyond words, so I'll stop using words and just point you to the link so you can go see it for yourself:

HELLO, CRUEL WORLD APP for iPhone & iPad

(future versions of the app will be available on other platforms)

Love you to pieces, so please stay alive.

Auntie Kate

There's No Fun in Fundamentalism

[image error] Too many people kill themselves for no other reason than their religion says they're better off dead than queer. I'm so sorry if someone is telling you that. It's just not true.

You probably already know this already, but I don't hear it said nearly often enough: It's not "the Christians" who go after gays, lesbians, transgender folk or bisexuals. It's not the Christians who walk calmly into church and assassinate abortion-providing doctors. It's not the Christians who wanna re-build the Berlin Wall across the southern border of Texas.

It's not the Jews. It's not the Muslims. It's not any of the wondrous sects and denominations that evolved from these world-class religions, becoming world-class religions in their own right. Those are not the folks who are keeping us in our sex and gender closets. 

Sure, as sex-and-gender freaks, we might make some Christians, Jews and Muslims uncomfortable. They may not wanna hang out with us. But it's not them who threaten, harass, rape or kill us. It's the people who follow the fundamentalist canon of any religion, sect, or cult.

Fundamentalist canon is easy to spot, because it's all written with the linguistic trick of either/or. That's how it gets its strength. Fundamentalist canon says this is good, that is evil; this is right, that is wrong; this gets you into Heaven, and for that you'll go straight to Hell. Fundamentalist canon is unquestionable, unswerving, and unashamed of the violence committed in it's name. Fundamentalist canon says My way or the highway. We are damned if we don't go along with them.

If you're some sort of sex-and-gender outlaw and you're living in that kind of a world, get out of there as fast as you can! Find yourself another denomination of Christianity, Judaism, or Islam, or any number of other faiths that have more wiggle room than an either/or morality. Google around… you'll easily find yourself a congregation of people who know that God loves you just the way you are. 

About.com has a whole page of alternative denominations who welcome LGBTQetc outlaws. That's good news, but that doesn't mean they're necessarily going to welcome you as a sex worker, pornographer, adult entertainer, sadomasochist or polyamorist. Some modern denominations of Christianity, Judaism, and Islam may indeed welcome you as a more radical sex and gender outlaw—but you might have to become the person who opens them up to the idea. For the latter sort of sex and gender outlaw, you might find more solace and support in Goddess-based religions.

Religion is fine and dandy. Religion saves lives. What the LGBTQetc movements need is more religion. What no one needs more of is bully fundamentalism.

Now go, stay alive. Play nice with God.

kiss kiss

Auntie Kate

 

What Does Mean Mean?

People have been asking what I mean by mean, meaning what does mean mean.

I'm sorry. I couldn't resist writing that sentence. OK, it's out of my system. So, really... what does mean mean? What does it mean to say Don't Be Mean? 

I've been telling people for nearly four years that the only rule in life they need to follow is don't be mean. It's not even a rule. "Don't be mean" is a value, meaning it's something you can apply to every choice you'll ever make for the rest of your life. If one rule can cover that much ground, I think that the rule deserves to be called a value. 

So, we've got a value of don't be mean. 

So what, because what does mean mean? 

And what did I mean when I wrote the damned thing in the book?

And why didn't I simply write, be kind. I almost did.

But people have ruined that word by calling for a kinder, gentler nation and then effecting a nation that's very close to the opposite. Another example: someone could consider truthfully that they're being kind to you when they stop you from being a homosexual… because then you won't go to hell. It's become too easy for people to convince themselves that they're not being mean when they simply call themselves kind. Nope, the word kind can be stretched way out of shape. So, be kind couldn't be the rule.

But… don't be mean? Aw man, I thought I'd nailed it. I thought everyone knows what mean is, right? Mean old man, mean girls, and hey… you're a mean one, Mr. Grinch. But those are all pop culture constructs, not real meanings. And that brings us to the dictionary. You'd think the dictionary would provide some definitive clarity. Nonsense. Go ahead, look up mean in the dictionary. Mean can mean so many mean things, it'll make you mean dizzy.

Failing to come up with a simple, satisfactory answer to the question, what does mean mean, I did what I always do when I don't know something... I asked my twibe on Twitter.

RT @katebornstein: Twibe: re "Don't b mean," peeps hv bn asking what mean means. Thoughts? Must it include intent to harm/steal/enslave? Hashtag #mean pse.

Here, click to read through this sampling of responses from my twibe. See what you come up with.

Pondering many points of view on the word mean helped me realize that mean is undeniably subjective. Nonetheless, we know what it feels like when someone is mean to us. Mean is a word we all learned as kids. It's a word that holds a great deal of emotional power and history.

So, I don't think it matters what mean really means in order to embrace the value, don't be mean. I'm thinking now that it's enough that we care enough to ask the question, what does mean mean. I don't know for sure, but I'm willing to bet that mean is something we spend our entire life learning what it is... if for no other reason than to stop ourselves from being mean.So, until it runs out of juice, I'm going to stick with using the word mean. And I'll say it once again:

Please... do whatever it takes to make your life more worth living. Anything. Anything, my darling. Only one rule to follow—only one value you need to embrace—to make that blanket permission work: Don't be mean. 

Yep that works just fine for me. And it'll work for you. I promise. There's no need to fry your brains, trying to figure out mean. It's enough if we all just try not to be mean. Eventually we'll all get a better handle on it. And I think that's about as much as anyone can ask for. 

Now... go, play nice with your friends.

Kiss Kiss

Auntie Kate

 

Don't Be Mean? Really?

Do whatever it takes to make your life more worth living. Anything at all. It can be illegal, immoral, unethical, self-destructive… anything at all if it makes your life more worth living. There's only one rule to follow to make that kind of blanket permission work: Don't be mean. 

I've been telling people that for 4-5 years now, first in my book Hello, Cruel World: 101 Alternatives to Suicide for Teens, Freaks, and Other Outlaws—and more recently in my post for Dan Savage's YouTube project, It Gets Better. 

Since posting it up on YouTube, I've received a great deal more feedback. It's the nature of the medium. Most people don't write back to books. But they do write back to blogs, vlogs and tweets. Many of the responses to my It Gets Better vlog have been along the lines of thank you very much, and to that I've been saying you're very welcome. But there have been many questions about this notion of Don't be mean, and that's what I'd like to address here.

What can you do when you are mean?

As much sense as it makes to embrace the value of don't be mean, the bottom line is we're going to be mean to people. 

We're human. We have tempers. We have buttons that other people push. We have off days when we're cranky and prickly. Sometimes, we have to deal with people we don't like, or people who've been mean to us… and sometimes we act or respond meanly ourselves.

All of us—even though we know better—we're mean. And when that happens, the very best we can do is take these 3 steps: 

.

1) We forgive ourselves, cuz we're just plain human. 

2) We apologize and/or make amends if we possibly can. 

3) We try to do better the next time.

By doing those three steps—over and over, every time we're mean—we learn how to not be mean. And we'll go for a longer stretch time before the next time we are mean. And we will be mean again, whether it's intentional or not. The deal is we try not to be mean. Good intentions count for a lot. 

That old saying "the road to hell is paved with good intentions" is bull poop. The more good intentions we embrace, the closer we get to heaven. Never mind the inevitability of being mean later on down the road—once we've intended to not be mean, we get better at it. Embracing the intention to not be mean is in and of itself an act of self-betterment. 

Can you be mean to yourself?

Folks have asked if being mean to yourself counts as "being mean." 

Nope. You can be as mean to yourself as you need or want to be. Most of us are, anyway. I'm meaner to myself than anyone has ever been mean to me. 

Sometimes being mean to myself is the only thing that allows me to go on living for another couple of hours, or day or weeks. I beat up on myself. I cut. I starve myself. I self-medicate with little thought to the consequences. Those are all ways of being mean to myself, and I do them more then I'd like to. But, by trying to not be mean to other folks, I've slowly been learning how not to be mean to myself. 

.

What if just being who you are is hurtful to someone else?

I've heard this one far too frequently: "If I come out as (fill in the blank), it will really hurt my (parents, friends, siblings, team, etc.).

Sometimes the very action or identity that can make our lives more worth living can seem hurtful to someone else. THAT'S NOT YOU BEING MEAN.

It is NEVER mean to follow the kind joy that lives in your heart. NEVER. If someone can't handle the fact that you're quirky by their standards, it's on them. 

And lastly, this question has come up more and more:

What if God just plain loves you… so you're not going to Hell?

Then you are a very lovely and lucky person indeed, and your God is super!

You can keep your Get Out of Hell Free card around for laughs.

Hope this helps.

Love & respect,

Kate

It Gets Better

It's been a terrible couple of weeks. Stories of LGBTQetc youth killing themselves have been hitting the web, it seems, every couple of days. It's been so intense that many, many people have begun talking about queer youth suicide. People have been railing about it, howling about it. Well bless everyone who's been doing that. And bless Dan Savage for starting up the It Gets Better Project on YouTube. This is my contribution to that project. 

NOTE: THE FIRST 10 SECONDS OF THE VIDEO ARE GREY-ED OUT. I DON'T KNOW WHY!

BUT... IT GETS BETTER. OK. NOW YOU CAN WATCH IT.

In my video, I promise folks that they can come to this blog and get yourself a Get Out of Hell Free card. Well, click here to get your card. You can print it out and carry it around with you. Heck, you can even make copies and hand 'em out to your friends. 

Here's how it works: you do whatever it takes to make your life more worth living. Anything. Anything at all. It can be immoral, unethical, or illegal (can't help you if you get caught on the illegal stuff). It can even be self-destructive. I often do self-destructive things because it seems to me—when I'm really down in the depths—that only the self-destructive stuff is gonna make life more worth living. 

So... you do anything it takes—anything at all—to make your life more worth living. There's only one rule that makes that sort of blanket permission work: Don't be mean. That's the only rule you ever need to follow to make sure that your life is gonna get better.

If you're not mean, you can do anything it takes to make your life more worth living. And if you get sent to Hell for doing something that wasn't mean to someone? Hang on to the card. Give it to Satan. I'll do your time for you. Yep. I told Satan I'd do that, and Satan agreed that'd be a fun thing to do for all of us. 

It takes true courage to follow your outlaw identities and desires in the world. Doing that nearly always ends you up with less worldly power. But I promise: you can always do something to make your life better every single day of your freaky geeky life. 

Go do that, right now. Please.

kiss kiss

Your Auntie Kate