Mary DeTurris Poust's Blog, page 17

Multitasking, Mindfulness, and Meditation

Well, so much for me posting this one from the archives “tomorrow,” as promised on Feb. 18. Obviously, things continue at a breakneck pace, and I will admit that I am multitasking — the bane of the mindful existence — to the point that my head is spinning most of the time, to the point where I’m forgetting things because there are way too many “things” piling up higher and higher. Precisely because of my penchant for doing too many things at once and my love of the mindfulness practice, this is quite possibly my favorite chapter in Cravings.

Mindfulness. Ahhhh…just saying the word makes my shoulders relax and my breathing expand. I love it because I know it works, BUT, that doesn’t mean I always make the time and space for it. I am the queen of multitasking, something I used to think was a good thing. Not so. Multitasking distracts us and makes us feel like we’re doing so much but, really, we are usually half doing a couple of things. I can’t listen to my daughter and scroll through Facebook. I might think I can do that, but she’s going to notice I’m not really there, even if I don’t. I can’t eat dinner and answer emails. Well, I can, but chances are I’ll finish the meal without ever really tasting it.

Multitasking is one of the biggest enemies of inner peace. It robs us of our balance and tricks us into thinking it’s the way to get more done or be more productive and prove we’re working hard enough to whomever it is we think we need to prove something — bosses, coworkers, friends, partner, parents, children, maybe even complete strangers. If we let our worth hang on other people’s opinions, we’re going to make ourselves crazy trying to be everything to everyone. So the challenge is to stop worrying about other people’s opinions and start paying attention to the still, small voice trying to be heard in the silence of your heart. To do that, you have to be mindful and prayerful and quiet. That’s the starting point. And the end point. And every point in between. Mindfulness always, or as often as possible. Just keep coming back to where you are right now without worrying about what’s coming next. It’s not easy to do, especially when many of us have jobs and home lives that keep us in full-time stress mode. Just keep starting over. Eventually it will become comfortable, maybe even “normal.”

If you can’t figure out how to make this mindfulness thing work in daily life, start small. With a cup of tea or a piece of chocolate or a quiet lunch eaten alone without distractions. We’re seven weeks in, so I know you know the drill, but in case you want a reminder, I’ll re-post the mealtime meditation bookmarks. Click HERE for the set of two bookmarks. And, if you missed this the first time around, here’s one of my previous blog posts on the topic: Mindfulness: It’s not just for Buddhists.

Keep in mind that mindfulness isn’t limited to mealtime, to be sure. Try it out when you’re driving to work, when you’re waiting in the car line outside school, when you’re on hold with customer service. Breathe, be present in that moment, and just do that one thing you need to do, not the 12 things everyone else wants you do to. Breathe. Exhale…

Here’s some musical inspiration to go with our theme of the week: “Exhale” by Plumb.

Oh God We breathe in your grace

We breathe in your grace

And exhale

Oh God we do not exist for us

But to share Your grace and love

And exhale

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To my beloved-but-abandoned tribe…I’m back

I am so very sorry for leaving you all hanging for, what is it now? Two weeks? I know we need to cover chapters 6 AND 7 of the Cravings journey, and we’ll get to that post haste, but first I just need to let you know that, while I wasn’t here on the blog with you, I was with you in spirit, wishing every day I could find five minutes to stop by and say something. It’s been a bit of a crazy month so far. In my other life (my full-time job as Director of Communications for the Diocese of Albany), I was busy launching a new website. I’m pretty proud of it, so, if you have any interest, you can see that by clicking here. For a while there, it was taking every waking moment (and most of the sleeping moments as well), but I’m back and ready to talk Cravings. The next chapter is one that hits home for me because it focuses on balance, something I clearly need more of in my own life. 

What does a balanced life look like to you? When I hear the word “balance,” I feel the word “peace.” In my mind’s eye, the two are inextricably linked. And on some deep interior level, I know that if I can just find a way to bring some balance into my life, peace is sure to follow. But balance is hard to come by in our all-or-nothing world, and so we have to strive to be counter cultural, to look for ways to even out the highs and lows we typically traverse, to learn to be present wherever we are, even when where we are isn’t so hot, and to find beauty there.

As we delve into chapter 6, it’s time to take a closer look at ways to bring more balance to our lives. What makes you feel UNbalanced? Is it an overbooked schedule? A kitchen counter piled with clutter? The laundry overflowing the hamper? A work project looming in front of you? Where can you begin to make a dent and tip the scales back in your favor? I think that starts with recognizing that our lives will always seesaw back and forth in major and minor ways. The balance will be found somewhere in the middle of it. Balance doesn’t mean evening out every problem and glitch, but creating an interior space that allows us to stay centered even when things are tilting to one side. Prayer — as always — is key.

For the past few months, I’ve been committed to a fairly regular meditation schedule, missing only the occasional morning here and here. I can feel the difference. Even though these past few weeks in particular were crazy busy, I moved through them on a pretty even keel.  The rough edges of my psyche seem a little smoother. The things that typically grate and gnaw lost some of their sting. Balance. All of the outward situations are the same — same job, same stresses, same family commitments, same everything. Only one thing has changed: my willingness to sit down in silence for 15 minutes at the start of every day and listen for the Spirit. That one thing is making all the difference. Can I stick with it? Sure. Will I stick with it? It’s anybody’s guess. We don’t always do what’s good for us. But I crave balance, and I can see how the silence creates balance which creates peace, or at least peace of mind. During Lent, I’m trying to add in some silence before bed as well, although that’s been more of a challenge for me. I will begin again this week.

Where are you finding balance these days? What’s working for you? What’s not working at all? Share in the comment section and let us know how you’re doing.

This week, when you’re looking for a practical way to help make the Cravings changes more concrete, find just one thing you can do to foster balance. It could be silent prayer, or it could be a good old-fashioned closet cleaning session. Trust me, clearing out the garbage in your closet or drawers or desk will go a long way toward clearing out the garbage you hold inside. Open things up, clear a space — literally and figuratively — and watch how things begin to balance out.

I will TRY to be back tomorrow with a Chapter 7 post in order to get us back on track. Thanks for hanging in there with me. Thanks for being my tribe!

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Seeking the divine? Just look up.

I am not in the regular rotation when it comes to walking our rescue dog, Jake, especially at night. Dennis and Olivia handle most of the dog-walking duties in our household. But one recent Saturday night, with Dennis out of town with Chiara for a gymnastics competition and Olivia already one walk in for the day, I leashed up our pup and headed out into the cold, black night. Before I even stepped off the porch, I wanted to be done and back inside with a hot cup of tea warming my hands. I tugged at Jake’s leash and impatiently tried to move him along as he lingered too long, sniffing at twigs and snow mounds, street posts and trash cans. Then, as we rounded the corner, I finally lifted my gaze from the snow-covered asphalt and found myself face to face with Orion the Hunter overhead in the winter sky.

I practically gasped at the enormity and clarity of the constellation’s outline, and I smiled at the familiar star pattern that has been my favorite ever since my third-grade teacher at Evans Park Elementary School showed me how to locate it—the three stars tight in a row marking Orion’s belt, making it easy to spot even on an overcast night, at least during these winter months.

What amazed me most of all that night was that I had almost missed all of that beauty, all of that splendor, not because I didn’t know what to look for, but because I simply hadn’t even bothered to lift my head and look up. So intent was I on just getting through the chore, I almost missed the magic. How often do we do that, rush headlong through something and miss the real moment, the spark of the divine right there in the everyday? And, even after we get a taste of that magic, how quickly we forget and go right back to dreading the chore, avoiding the task, averting our eyes.

A couple of months ago, I had a similar experience when our dishwasher died. Time and again, when we would hear the telltale ding of an error message, we’d re-run the cycle—sometimes four or five times in a row—in an effort to get the dishes clean without getting our hands wet. Finally, we surrendered, accepting the fact that for the foreseeable future we had no dishwasher. Dennis headed to the store to buy a drain rack so we could start doing dishes the old-fashioned way. One of our three children marveled at this strange contraption, wondering how it “worked.” Another saw me with my hands in sudsy water and asked if she might try since it looked so “fun.” I flashed back to my own young childhood, when our home had no dishwasher at all, and I was the nightly dryer of dishes, standing beside my mother begrudgingly with towel in hand.

As I soaked the dishes, up to my elbows in warmth and bubbles, looking out the kitchen window at squirrels and birds moving about the backyard, I felt…what was it? Peace. Maybe even joy. Definitely satisfaction. This long-lost simple pleasure, this chore, was, in reality, a welcome break from the chaos of life, giving me reason to pause, to stand in one place with nowhere to go and to meditatively move my hands in circles as I scrubbed the plates and pots.

Although I try almost daily to intentionally take notice of the everyday graces evident all around me as I go about my day, most of the time I’m too consumed with whatever is on my To Do list to bother to look up and take notice of the moments forming beautiful constellations against the backdrop of my life.

What chore do you trudge through impatiently each day, looking past the moment to when it will just be done? What would happen if you stopped for a minute and looked up?

This column first appeared in the Feb. 1, 2017, issue of Catholic New York.

Photo by Adrian Pelletier on Unsplash

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Feast or famine: Finding the middle way

By the time we end our Cravings journey in a few weeks, we will be well into Lent. Hard to believe. And yet, the liturgical calendar seems so perfectly timed for this tribe. We can take what we’ve been talking about here and kick it up a notch, if we so choose, in the weeks ahead. As we delve into Chapter 5: Feast or Famine, we can use the lessons here as a precursor to the Lenten journey that will begin on Ash Wednesday, February 14. 

Cravings is about finding middle ground. It’s not an all-or-nothing proposition, where you have to forego favorite foods forever, or starve yourself until a headache sets in. That’s not a long-term prescription for health or happiness. But there is wisdom in the practice of fasting, and the Church gives us a beautiful template for learning how to live a balanced life. Throughout the Church year, there are seasons to fast and to feast, and there is “Ordinary Time,” when we are likely to be walking that middle way.

Whenever Lent rolls around, I suddenly find willpower I don’t have any other time of year. Why is that? Because when I combine a sacrifice — eating in between meals or sweets — with prayer and a deeper, more significant intention, I am able to hold myself to things I’d otherwise shrug off at the first sign of chocolate cake in the office kitchen or a bowl of gelato after dinner. Fasting without prayer is just a diet. Fasting or abstaining with prayer, however, elevates it to something completely different.

From Chapter 5:

The emptiness fasting creates will make us more aware of the injustices in the world and of our own comforts and supposed “needs.” Think of how often we say, “I’m starving.” Or, “I need” a cup of coffee, piece of chocolate, glass of wine, handful of nuts. Fasting helps us begin to distinguish between wants and needs, even when practiced in the most minimal ways.

Can you experiment with fasting or abstaining in some way this week — either giving up something for the entire week or for one day, depending on your age, health and ability? You don’t even have to fast from food. You could fast from Facebook or shopping or TV. Intentionally give something up and offer up the sacrifice for someone else.

A reflection from the end of Chapter 5:

So much of life

is out of balance today.

Too much, too little,

too caught up in the whirlwind.

The world insists we need

more, more, more, more,

pushing us to grab all we can.

But wait. Slow down. Stop.

There is another way.

Only by emptying ourselves out

before God will we find

fullness within ourselves.

HERE’s the link to a story I did on fasting for OSV Newsweekly a while back, in case you’re interested in more on this topic as we prepare for Lent.

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Sane eating and healthy living

Sorry for the delay in getting our latest Cravings Tribe post up on the blow. This week we’re tackling chapter 4, Freedom by the Forkful, and taking a closer look at willpower, sane eating, and the ways our need for love and peace in our lives can keep us tied to high-fat comfort foods that make us feel good for the moment but drag us down over the long haul. I can see that at play in my own life. Back when I wrote this chapter of Cravings years ago, I was working out of my house and able to make time and space for my daily meditative morning ritual of “mindful oatmeal.” In addition, I’d often take time out of my day to chop up some veggies and make a green drink or start a pot of soup or  do some other prep so I could have a healthy, home-cooked meal ready by dinner time. Although life was still hectic, our diet seemed to have a good measure of sanity. When I began working outside the house almost three years ago, however, all of that changed. Aside from cutting out my mindful oatmeal routine, I have become much more reliant on pre-made foods, easy meals, and take out, none of which leave me feeling very healthy and happy after the eating is over. The reality is that eating healthy can take a lot of time and energy. It’s easier to eat fattening comfort foods. And so our challenge now is deciding if we’re worth the time it takes to do the shopping and chopping, prepping and planning required to create balanced meals in a peaceful atmosphere. No more eating on the go, munching in the car, standing at the counter with one hand in a bag of chips as you scroll through emails. (Guilty here!)

To be honest, the winter months don’t work in our favor on this front. I know here in upstate New York the cold, gray days make me less likely to stop at the store on the way home to pick up fresh produce and other ingredients I need to whip up something healthy. On cold winter nights, I’m much more likely to serve up a big bowl of pasta or order in a pizza. So we have to find ways to make it easier to do what’s good for us. Can you use your lunch hour to run out and grab some healthy ingredients for dinner rather than eating at your desk? Can you make a couple of meals ahead of time on the weekend, so you have something ready to go on a busy weeknight? Can you look at your schedule and plan a menu that will be realistic when all those events marked on your calendar roll around? I know I’m a great one for planning a healthy menu filled with lots of fresh veggies and unusual grains, but, come midweek, I can be found digging around in our basement freezer and pantry, hoping to find a bag of frozen string beans and a box of rice pilaf instead. Best laid plans…

This week, take some time to look at your calendar and your fridge and put together some meals that are fresh and healthy but not so hard to make that you’ll give up before you get started. Look for nights when you’ll have time to eat in peace and at a nice slow pace. Make the cooking itself part of your mindful practice. And never underestimate the power of simple foods — a side of fresh steamed broccoli with a squeeze of lemon, a plate of roasted carrots and cauliflower, a bowl of brown rice or a plate of salad piled high with healthy toppings. What’s your favorite healthy food?

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We’re celebrating 10 years at NSS!

It was 10 years ago today that I decided to launch this blog on the Feast of St. Francis de Sales, patron saint of communicators. Where has the time gone? Back in those early days, I was blogging every day, sometimes more than once a day. That was before social media had become the norm, and so what today would be a Facebook post was a full-blown blog post back then. Originally, I started the blog as a way to get out there ahead of my 2008 book, The Complete Idiot’s Guide to the Catholic Catechism (Yes, that’s just about 10 years old as well!). But, very quickly this blog became a place to explore my spiritual life, share recipes and travel stories, commiserate over my struggles, post photos and anecdotes from my life as a mom. The blog truly lived up to its name back then. It was NOT strictly spiritual. One day I might post a survey that showed which Disney princess I was or what punctuation mark best suited me. The next day I’d be posting about Thomas Merton. You never knew what you’d get, and that’s what I loved about this space. What I still love about this space. And there were fan favorites as well: Foodie Friday, Manic Monday, Wisdom Wednesday.

Now, all these years later, a lot has changed. While I still maintain a chunk of my freelance writing business, I spend my days working for the Diocese of Albany, and so blogging has dropped off significantly. Not to mention the fact that my kids have reached the age where they now have veto power of my sharing of their stories. Those are no longer my stories to share; they get to write their own stories now. Recipes and travel are on the back burner while I go about the business of my current daily life. And while I’m not here as often as I used to be (or would like to be), this blog will always be one of my favorite places to hang out. I thank those who have continued to visit day after day, year after year, and I welcome those who only recently have joined us. I will do my best to be present here at least somewhat regularly. A special thank you to those who comment or send me emails when a particular post speaks to them. I appreciate the support, encouragement, and sharing.

When I started this blog, I did so with a prayer, and so I will share that prayer again here today on this special anniversary:

Do not look forward in fear to the changes of life;

rather, look to them with full hope that as they arise,

God, whose very own you are,

will lead you safely through all things;

and when you cannot stand it,

God will carry you in His arms.

Do not fear what may happen tomorrow;

the same everlasting Father who cares for you today

will take care of you then and every day.

He will either shield you from suffering,

or will give you unfailing strength to bear it.

Be at peace,

and put aside all anxious thoughts and imagination.

                                                                        — St. Francis de Sales

Photo credit:

unsplash-logoNicolas Tissot

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A house divided

My reflection today in the January issue of Give Us This Day:

If you’ve ever had a serious fight with your spouse or parent or child, you know the pain of a house divided. The silence or rage—depending on how you process anger—seeps into everything until even sitting at the kitchen table together sipping coffee becomes too much to bear. If you don’t heal the wound, it festers until permanent destruction and division sets in.

In today’s Gospel, Jesus cuts to the chase on that topic with what feels like the spiritual equivalent of cold water thrown in our face. We have to reconcile and unite, believe and follow the Spirit, or risk a house so divided it cannot stand. How appropriate that this message comes up on a day dedicated to prayer for the protection of unborn children, the plight of whom has divided houses—both State and private—for more than four decades.

St. Teresa of Calcutta once famously said that “the greatest destroyer of love and peace is abortion,” because if the most vulnerable among us are not safe, none of us are safe. If a mother does not feel secure enough to bring her baby into the world and in desperation chooses the unthinkable, none of us are secure, and the unthinkable becomes the acceptable.

For every child lost, there is a future ended before it could begin. Our future. If we do not protect each other, how can our house continue to stand?

To subscribe to Give Us This Day or request a free sample copy, click HERE. 

Photo credit:

unsplash-logoJoey Thompson

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Mirror, mirror: discovering your true self

Week three. Time is flying! How are things on your end? Here’s the weekly update:

It was a SUPER stressful week, especially the weekend. To be completely honest with you, I’m in a terrible place right now, mentally and spiritually. Things have not gone as planned. Famous last words. So why does that still catch me by surprise and throw me off course? That’s the million-dollar question for me. And I’ll tell you right now, when things don’t go well and when things get stressful, I turn up the heat on myself. I pull out my worst “tape,” push my internal “play” button and let it rip. It’s not pretty or healthy, and it certainly doesn’t take me where I want or need to go, but it’s comfortable and familiar, the road most travelled, and so I take it. Even when I know I’ll regret it later, even when I know it’s likely to lead me to other unhealthy decisions — like eating the wrong food or staying up too late or skipping prayer time. This is why I’m head cheerleader for the tribe, because I have endless experience with this struggle. I’ll tell you this, however: Although I often feel history repeating itself in my life, the time I’ve spent working on my habits, journaling, and becoming more mindful have made me more aware. Even when I’m not following the Cravings “rules,” I’m well aware of where things have gone off track and how I might pull it back. The trick is getting from awareness to action.

This week, as we delve into chapter 3, we’re going to be focusing a lot on those tapes we tend to play, the words we say in our head, or maybe even out loud as we stand before the mirror. I always say that if I loved my neighbor as myself, it would be very bad news for my neighbor! I say things to myself, about myself that I would never say to or about anyone I cared about, or even about a total stranger. Why do we do that? Why is that comfortable? And how can we begin to backtrack to the place where those thoughts were created so we can dig them up, toss them out once and for all, and replace them with something that will lift us up rather than tear us down?

In chapter 3, I talk about the two sides of this, the fact that sometimes I am ever-so-grateful for my physical health, my material comfort, and the many blessings I have had over the course of a very privileged lifetime, one not without traumatic and devastating losses and crises, to be sure, but overwhelmingly blessed. And then there is the shadow side, the times when I look at myself, not just physically but on every level, and see nothing, absolute failure, zero, worthlessness. Unfortunately, I spend an inordinate amount of time on the shadow side, where my faults and flaws are magnified as in a fun house mirror and any potential reminders of anything good are drowned out by the drumbeat of self-loathing. It’s not pleasant, that’s for sure, but since I was a little girl, it’s been home for me, the place with which I am most familiar, the persona that feels most comfortable: failure, reject, misfit, lost soul. And that’s where I am today.  I say all of this in hopes that anyone else out there in this tribe (or lurking anonymously around the fringes) who has ever felt like this will feel less alone. We all have shadow sides; some of us just mask them better or are more adept at shifting the perspective from half-empty to half-full. What is your perspective today? Are you being unnecessarily hard on yourself for one reason or another? Are you working through the exercises and feeling positive progress? I hope it’s the latter, but don’t be dismayed if it’s not.

From chapter 3:

“It comes down to reprogramming ourselves, in a sense. We have to find a way to erase the negative tape that’s on continuous loop in our heads and replace it with something more positive, more realistic, more truthful. If we don’t change the mantra of self-loathing, our feelings of inadequacy will continue to lead us deeper into bad diet plans, dangerous eating disorders, and a warped perspective that colors not just our eating habits but every aspect of our lives.”

So how do we do that? If I wrote the book on it and still struggle with it, can we ever really change the tape? Yes. But it takes daily work. If you started jogging and worked up to a 5K run and then stopped your training, do you think you’d be able to do that same 5K three years later with no renewed training? Not likely, or, if you did, you’d probably be hobbling along by the end. This is about incremental but daily, constant awareness and transformation. I’ll give you a critical starting point: gratitude. Counting our blessings daily — even the little things that seem silly but make us happy — makes a difference in our perspective on life. When we don’t actively give thanks for the good in our lives, we tend to train our eyes on the bad.

More from chapter 3:

“Our focus on the seeming lack in our lives seeps into our relationships at home and at work, our commitment to our community and our larger world, and our devotion to our prayer lives and journeys toward God. It’s hard to move forward if we are glued to an image or a number. We imagine we’ll take the next step once we reach a certain weight or size, but we keep getting stuck, or at the other end, moving the goal posts. The result is a constant unhappiness and unrest that prevents us from becoming who we are called to be: disciples willing to trust, risk, grow, and love.”

So, gratitude…Have you ever used a gratitude journal? If not, give it a try. Each day write down three things you were grateful for that day. It can be something monumental, like getting a new job, but it can also be something simple and sweet, like having your cat sit on your lap as you relax before a roaring fire or the smell of coffee brewing on a quiet weekend morning. If you’d like to read more about gratitude, click HERE for a feature story I wrote on this topic for OSV Newsweekly a while back.

Also, if you’re not on social media, click HERE for a post I shared during the week about allowing yourself to thoroughly enjoy one of your “forbidden foods,” eating with attention and intention.

And HERE is one of my previous Life Lines columns on discovering our true self, in case that’s something you’d like to explore further.

The song I’d like to give you for this week has no video to go along with it yet, but I’ll post it just the same: Wild Hearts Can’t Be Broken by P!NK, one of my all-time favorite artists.

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Cravings Reboot: getting beyond the dieting delusion

We are one week into our journey! How are you doing? Is it easier or more difficult than expected? Are you feeling any shifts — emotionally, physically, spiritually? I know it’s early in the game, but sometimes the push-off can be dramatic, making us aware of our habits and triggers. And awareness is a big part of this transformation process. Take a look back at your journal from this past week, if you’ve been keeping one, and see what your days looked like. I’ll give you a few insights into mine:

Things were not as peaceful or as mindful as I would have hoped. Home life was crazy; work was crazier. And sometimes I am my own worst enemy, making things more difficult than they need to be by getting in my own way. I plan to go for a walk but I haven’t taken the time to get out my winter boots and hat, so before I can go anywhere I have to dig through boxes in the basement and through baskets in the hall closet. By the time I was ready to leave I was frustrated and about ready to quit. I get up early to do some yoga, but struggle to get the Apple TV going because I never commit the dreaded remote-control routine to memory. I pack breakfast and lunch to take to the office but race through work at such a frantic pace that I forget to stop for breakfast at all.

This past week I definitely feel like I had a few take-aways:

Spend more time prepping things so taking a walk, doing yoga, sitting down to meditation, packing lunch does not become an ordeal.
Get to bed earlier so I’m not tempted to hit the snooze button when I should be getting up to pray or exercise or sit in silence.
Continue with my new routine of listening to some select books on CD as I drive to and from work. It’s definitely making a difference and giving me an extra dose of daily peace along with a good kick in the spiritual pants.
Accept that my life is simply going to be chaotic much of the time. With three busy kids, a very busy job, freelance writing, lots of chores around the house, the reality is that my daily life is often going to be noisy and not-so-mindful, and that’s okay. The goal is not to make my life silent so I can be mindful but to make myself mindful so I can maneuver my way through the daily minefield. It’s all in my perspective. The journal writing, spiritual reading, and silent time is helping me remember that.

Now we begin week two, Chapter 2 of Cravings: Dieting Delusion: Food Is Not the Enemy. As we move through this chapter, stop to think about the diets you’ve tried over the course of your lifetime. I’m sitting here shaking my head as I write this just thinking about some of the crazy plans I’ve tried over the years. In the end, none of them really worked. Why? Because those were just temporary patches, surface changes not meant to last, and everything hinged on the almighty scale. Sometimes it still does. Which is why I’m here, and maybe why you’re here.

From Chapter 2:

Even today, the control myth can take hold of me. I can feel totally confident and positive about myself and my life if my clothes fit a little bit loose and the scale shows me the right number. A few pounds in the wrong direction an my mood, my day, my life can take on the aura of unhappiness and dissatisfaction, not only with my looks but with just about everything. And that’s the crux of what we’re dealing with here. Whether we have to lose a hundred pounds or ten pounds, our self-worth should not — cannot — hang on a number or a diet plan. It has to be rooted in something deeper, something true, if we can ever hope to put a stop to these endless efforts to mold ourselves into someone else’s image of beauty or health or perfection. The first step toward that freedom is the acknowledgment, in the words of Alcoholics Anonymous, that only “a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”

This week, as you keep your journal and take note of your moods and foods, start paying more attention to your beliefs about yourself. What is the tape that plays on endless loop in your head? Does your self-worth teeter from one extreme to another based on superficial changes or events? What are your triggers? Can you push pause when you feel things starting to head in the wrong direction?  Try to pull yourself back from the brink. Breathe, say a quick prayer, grab your journal, go for a walk, do something to shift the playing field and try a different approach. After all, the old ways haven’t been working, right?

If you have a minute, check in and let me know how you’re doing here in the comment section. If you have questions, feel free to ask them. If you don’t have Cravings and you need more information, tell me that as well. And if you just have a story to share, please do so.

And, now, here’s your musical inspiration for the week. I wanna see you be BRAVE!

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Resolve to Evolve in 2018

We were debating the merits of the latest Taylor Swift album with our teenage daughter one Saturday morning recently, when the conversation morphed into a larger discussion on the way people in general and artists in particular evolve over time. How many singers or painters or authors have been criticized when they’ve taken a new path, one unfamiliar to their most loyal fans? They are often seen as traitors for nothing more than testing out new waters or pushing the boundaries of business as usual. We don’t like change. And yet who among us stays the same year after year? Even if we try our best to hold tight and maintain the status quo, life has a way of demanding growth or evolution. And that’s a good thing.

For me, this column is a perfect example of how things have had to change with time. When I first started writing about the intersection of faith and family life back in 2001, I had a preschooler and a 1-year-old. Back then, my columns focused on the joys and challenges of early parenting. But slowly, over the years, the column evolved as my life changed and my family grew and aged, addressing issues related to the tween and teenage years, scouting and dance classes, friendship and high school. Then, like a shape-shifter, it began to change again, only this time the focus moved away from family and toward broader spirituality, as my writing began to reflect my own path through the darkness and light of my faith journey. It reached a point where the column didn’t really fit into any one neat category anymore. Neither did my life, and that’s probably the case for many of us. We have to change, to let go and float along with the current rather than cling to the side for dear life. And that’s a scary thing.

This is the season for making personal resolutions, but this year I’d like to suggest that instead of choosing the typical dramatic (and often unsuccessful) method of self-improvement, we opt for evolution in all its slow-and-steady glory. What are you lugging around that no longer serves you? Maybe it’s time to shed it bit by bit. What do you need to strengthen to get where you need to be? Maybe it’s time to do the work required day by day. Where is God in that mix? Maybe it’s time to sit in silence each day and find out.

At Mass this past Sunday, the second reading from St. Paul’s first Letter to the Thessalonians was one I’ve heard a thousand times. On that particular morning, maybe because this column was swirling around in my head, one line jumped out at me as if it were brand new: “Test everything; retain what is good.” (5:21) As soon as I heard it, I wanted to shout, “Yes!” We are expected to test things, in our daily life and in our faith life, and testing means making mistakes and recalculating our route, allowing the Spirit to serve as our interior GPS and redirect us to the better path, which won’t necessarily be easy or unobstructed. Maybe some of our family and friends and fans won’t like the direction we take. We have to test nonetheless and move forward bit by bit, even if it’s one step forward and two steps back. And that’s a challenging thing.

St. Augustine, in his Confessions, wrote: “People travel to wonder at the height of mountains, at huge waves of the sea, at the long courses of rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motion of the stars…and they pass by themselves without wondering.”

Maybe this year is the time to start wondering about yourself, not in a self-indulgent way, but in a curious way. What is inside you that is undiscovered, waiting to evolve and emerge? Evolution. Our word for 2018. And that’s an exciting thing.

This column originally appeared in the January 4, 2018, issue of Catholic New York.

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