Mary DeTurris Poust's Blog, page 11

A trade-off worth making

When I left my office job four months ago to return to my home-based writing and retreat business, I was mainly focused on doing the work I love most on a full-time basis and expanding my ability to help people walk the spiritual path. And to be certain, I wake up every day giving thanks that I am able to do what I do, feeling a sense of joy and contentment in my heart.

But there’s been a side benefit that has proven to be even more joy-inspiring than the work aspect of home office life: time with my teenage daughter. I knew when I quit my job to change career paths that I’d have a little more time with Chiara, who has only one more year at home before she heads off to college, but I underestimated the impact of those afternoon hours together that I’d been missing for the past six years.

When I decided to go back to work in an office full time in 2015, I figured I’d gotten my three children through the most important parts. Chiara, our youngest, was in fifth grade and had an amazing neighbor to care for her in the afternoons. Eventually, Olivia was old enough to watch her after school. The tough part was done, right? We imagine our pre-teens and teens are fairly self-sufficient and that they prefer time alone to time with parents. But what I’m finding is that I’m not the only one basking in our mother-daughter time; Chiara and I spend many afternoons side by side, whether we are running errands or quietly doing work on our computers, separate-but-together.

As I wait in the car line outside the high school each day, I am grateful for the opportunity to be there to pick her up and hear about the happenings of her day. It’s an added bonus when a friend needs a ride home, giving me the chance to get to know some children who were faceless names up until now. Every day when I arrive at school, I text: “I’m here in my usual spot.” One day the text came back: “See you soon. Bestie 4 L,” which translates in grown-up talk as “best friend for life.” Be still my heart.

At home, as I work in my upstairs office, Chiara often plops herself down on the meditation cushion behind my desk chair — usually with our black cat, Fred, in tow — and hangs out there, both of us doing our thing and stopping to chat now and then. She has no idea how happy it makes me, but I feel joy bubbling up inside, and I say a silent, “thank you,” for the gift of this time together that I really never saw coming.

It has made me aware of the many other things I’d been missing when I was moving at the warp speed of a stressful job that occupied my mind 24/7, which is no exaggeration despite the overused cliché. So many daily joys were buried under never-ending work emails and texts. So many fleeting opportunities had passed me by while I was convincing myself that a job should be more important than the everyday miracles occurring all around me, often unseen because my eyes were glued to a computer or phone.

Don’t get me wrong. My decision to work for myself was a huge sacrifice for my family and one that I know many people cannot make because of the financial implications, so I am blessed. And although my choice certainly comes with daily challenges as I try to rebuild a business, the trade-off — less money and “prestige” for more joy and contentment — is one I would make again in a heartbeat.

What treasure is hidden in plain sight in your life? Stop for a moment today and bask in the simple things that fill your heart with joy. Step away from the computer, put down the phone, lift your gaze, and take it all in.

This column originally appeared in the June 2, 2022, issue of The Evangelist.

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Is happiness a choice? Let’s talk about mental health

My latest Life Lines column, From Darkness into Light, has brought in a flurry of emails and comments from readers. It seems this topic really struck a chord. People have been thanking me for being willing to talk about depression, mental health, and especially about medication as it relates to the two. I’m grateful the column was helpful and I’m so glad people are reaching out, but I find it sad and frustrating that the topic of mental health still has such a stigma attached to it. Mental health is health. You don’t just snap out of depression any more than you snap out of diabetes. In the newest episode of the Life Lines podcast, I dive deeper into this topic and talk about the tools that have helped me move from a place of regular darkness to a place of mostly light. This one is a little longer, coming in at 20 minutes, so get some coffee or tea and settle in. Thanks for joining me!

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Moving from darkness into light

I recently did a search of my past Life Lines columns to find something I wrote here six years ago: “Sometimes happiness isn’t a choice.” I remembered how deep and dark that feeling had been when I penned those lines, and I wanted to see what I was thinking. My search was prompted by a book I had just finished on Audible, The Untethered Soul: The Journey beyond Yourself, by Michael A. Singer. In that book, the author says again and again that happiness is, in fact, a choice. Our choice. Every day.

Although there were times throughout the book when I talked back to the narrator, disagreeing with this or that, I was surprised to see how much of it resonated with me and how much had changed since 2016 when I referred to myself (and others like me) as “darkness-dwellers” who drain the life out of everything, like the soul-sucking “dementors” from the Harry Potter series. That was some serious darkness. It’s not hard for me to tap into where I was, but to be honest, that definition of myself feels somewhat foreign — and more than a little sad and frightening.

When I found the column, I found something else: a long comment left by Jack, a complete stranger who had the guts to disagree with me and remind me that “the stuff about ‘darkness-dwellers’ and being soul/energy sucking vampires has nothing do with God or the Divine, but with ‘something else’ that is not so nice.”

“It is a choice of happiness, of going down the spiritual path where the roadside is littered with baggage, garbage, and tears…and to keep moving forward to God’s Love and Light,” he wrote. I smiled as I read those words six years later and marveled at where I am now and how far away that unhappy place seems.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m still not all sunshine and roses every day, but there is a difference. The darkness which arrives on my doorstep — as it does for each one of us in different measures — does not cling to me anymore, at least not for long. The light is always there, edging its way in and reminding me that, while I may not be happy all the time, I can know joy in my heart no matter what.

Happiness and joy are two different things. We say we want to be happy, but what we really want is a pervading joy that stays with us, even when times are downright disastrous. Will we be happy in those painful moments? Probably not, no matter how far down the spiritual path we have gone. But can we know the abiding joy that lives within us because we are called, chosen, saved, and beloved by God? Yes.

What changed for me over the past few years that could transform a darkness dweller into a joy seeker? A lot. No one thing made all the difference, but I can look at the choices I made that allowed me to loosen my own vice grip on my heart so that it could open enough to let God do what God wanted to do for and with me.

My path has included talk therapy, medication (which changed and possibly saved my life), meditation and yoga, regular retreats, a daily gratitude practice (which also changed and possibly saved my life as much as anti-depressants), and a growing wisdom that has come with the last third of life and has made me realize how precious every day is. We do not have time to waste. We know not the day nor the hour.

If you are in darkness, if you feel like you cannot “choose” happiness, reach out to those who can guide you out of that place. You deserve joy. You deserve light. You are called, chosen, saved, and beloved. Own it. Live it.

This column originally appeared in the May 5, 2022, editions of Catholic New York and The Evangelist.

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Multitasking is not a virtue: new podcast episode

We live in a world where we are expected to do two things at once, or ten things at once. Multitasking is seen as a virtue, something that means we are working harder. But the truth is that doing more than one thing at a time takes its toll. When you do six things at once, none of them are done with attention or intention. That kind of fractured behavior leads to unrest and dissatisfaction deep in our souls, not to mention stress and physical/mental health issues in our daily lives. In Episode 7 of the Life Lines podcast, I tackle this challenging issue and offer some ways to flip this habit from something fractured to something more productive and peace-inducing. Give it a listen at the link below. And don’t forget to subscribe to my podcast so you don’t miss any future episodes. It’s available on Apple, Spotify, Google and other platforms.

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Alleluia, he is risen! Thank goodness Mary Magdalene was there to witness, report it

Happy Easter! Here’s my little Easter video, focusing on my favorite resurrection Gospel story. If not for the courage and faith of Mary Magdalene — the first to witness the resurrection and the first to preach the Good News — would we even be rejoicing today?

 

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Parenting a Grieving Child – Revised and Updated

My very first book, “Parenting a Grieving Child: Helping Children Find Faith, Hope, and Healing after the Loss of a Loved One” (Loyola Press), which was originally published i

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Holy Thursday: Judas vs. Peter

Mercy. Over and over. That’s the message. Judas did not think he could receive mercy in the wake of his betrayal; Peter knew he was flawed but could be forgiven. What will we choose?

 

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Transformation by storm

We are nearing the end of our 40-day pilgrimage through Lent, but the truth is that we are on a pilgrimage that never ends. Our entire spiritual life is pilgrimage, and while our destination (eternal life with God) is crucial, it is on the road itself that we are forged into new beings, transformed in the fire of challenge and darkness, more so than by joy and light. It’s a hard reality to accept, but that is the heart of pilgrimage. The life-changing transformation doesn’t usually take place under blue skies but in the storms.

Think of those people who walk the Camino, mile upon mile, blister upon blister, rain and muck, along with gorgeous scenery and sunshine. Here, it’s easier to recognize that the destination is not the sole reason for the arduous journey. If that were the case, pilgrims would book a flight to Santiago de Compostela and go straight to the cathedral, rather than risk injury and exhaustion on the long and harrowing pilgrim path. But every pilgrim on the Camino knows that it is in the struggle of the journey that pilgrims find out who they are, that they grow closer to God, and learn to love complete strangers who share the road and meals along the way.

Most of us will never get to the Camino, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t on a pilgrimage of our own right where we are. I remember when I took my first trip to Rome a dozen years ago. I kept dreaming of the pilgrimage that would begin when my feet finally touched Italian soil. That morning, as I waited for the shuttle to take me to JFK airport while a hurricane was bearing down on New York, I learned the lesson of pilgrimage before I ever boarded my flight.

I talked to several strangers waiting for the same shuttle in Albany. They were headed to Lourdes on pilgrimage, one of them a priest I didn’t recognize at first but someone who already knew me through my writing. We talked. They comforted me as I worried about the impending hurricane, giving me a book of prayers with one specific page marked—Prayer in a Time of Storm. We talked and prayed on the three-hour ride, exchanging prayer intentions so that I could take their prayers to Rome and they could take mine to Lourdes. As they saw me off, ensuring that I had my suitcase and everything else I needed, it dawned on me that my pilgrimage had already begun. It started as soon as I opened myself up to God’s presence right where I was, when I allowed the Spirit to connect me to fellow pilgrims on the journey.

What if we look at this next stage of our liturgical and spiritual year as another leg on our collective and individual pilgrimage? As we head toward the celebration of resurrection, perhaps we can use the Easter season—those 50 days between Easter and Pentecost—as another opportunity to expand and explore, connect and commune with God, with each other, with every high and low point that comes our way. Knowing as we do that our transformation is happening with every step, every conversation, every prayer, every moment when we think we can’t take another step but somehow move forward anyway in faith and hope.

Life is not an easy proposition. At one point or another, we all suffer, we all doubt, we all wonder why things are the way they are. But we are not walking this path alone. We are surrounded by the Spirit of God’s love and by fellow pilgrims aching for company and comfort, sometimes right in front of us. We are all members of a beautiful tribe of pilgrims longing for a clear path. Together we can find our way home.

This column originally appeared in the April 7, 2022, issue of Catholic New York.

Photo by Johannes Plenio on Unsplash

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Be Quiet! Why silence is so important

Episode 6 of my podcast, Life Lines with Mary DeTurris Poust, has posted. You can listen on any of your favorite apps (Spotify, Apple Music, Google, Amazon Music, etc.) or you can click the link below and listen right here. I’m talking about silence and why it’s so important to our sanity and serenity. This seemingly simple practice can be a real challenge. Find out why that’s the case and what you can do about it. Join me!

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A little spiritual respite in the form of guided meditation

We all need a little time apart, a little time in silent meditation, but that can be challenging. Our mind wanders; our thoughts race. Let me guide you to a quiet, peaceful oasis in this 10-minute meditation. Just find a comfortable seat, push play, and then close your eyes and disappear. You’ll be glad you did.

Cover image was taken by yours truly at the Abbey of the Genesee in Piffard, NY, as the sun was setting.

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