Rae Gee's Blog, page 5

Battling the Monster

Every day, I go to war with my mind, an organ that is in a constant battle to kill me. Every day, I get up and grin at the monster that looms before me. Black and stinking, with bloody fangs and pebble eyes, it grins at me, hoping that today will be its day to win.
The monster has never won. Every morning, I stand firm and grin at it, sending it scampering back to the place from which it has come.
You can't see the monster. But I can. This is the dark side of my brain. The place that tells me I can't do something. One of the haunting, horrible parts of having Bipolar. And whenever something good starts to happen, the monster makes an appearance, snarling and laughing, ready to snatch away whatever I've been building.
As you know, I've been working on several projects recently. Some of them are nearing completion faster than others. And this is when the monster decides to visit.
If you were reading last year, you may remember the Great Pumpkin Delivery of November 2015. It was an event that made me look myself in the eye and finally push beyond the fears that have been building for many years. That event was several hours of pure Hell. Of crying, of not eating, of being on my hands and knees as I fought with every ounce of my being to put the monster to sleep once and for all.
And it's here again. As pieces of the next project fall into place, the slumbering monster rises and stands before me.
You don't deserve this.
You can't do this.
You can't have this. It's not for you.
Crawling behind the blackened beast is the pain. Pain so harsh and so violent that, in the past, it's caused vomiting. It's like your soul is being dragged from your body. Desperately you try and cling to that precious fibre of your being but eventually the searing pain becomes too much to bear. You give up. You sit and cry before closing your eyes and hoping never to open them again.
And all the while, in the back of your head, that rasping voice hisses, Do it. It won't hurt for long and, when it's over, the pain will be gone forever.
Life becomes a battle of wits as I try and piece together this next book while artfully dodging around a creature that would like to see me dead. But, as happens every time, I can feel myself going in to my shut down mode. The mode where I don't talk, don't eat, and don't do anything other than go to work. I push people away and refuse to acknowledge anyone in my sphere. Because, as the monster has told me, I don't deserve any of this, not even people who care about me.
This is probably the hardest post I've ever written. It's also one of the most freeing. Rarely am I honest when it comes to how I truly feel. I much prefer to plaster on a smile and pretend that everything is okay. Because I'm healthy, right, and what more is there to life than that? But... There's always a but...
I don't want to lie to anyone who reads this. Life is hard today. Today hurts and aches with a pain that tears straight through the body. It feels as though I'm slowly being cut open. My eyes are dry and my face aches from the crying. Where there was once light at the end of the tunnel, there is now none. Darkness has settled and, in the distance, I can hear the monster cackling. Its claws are whispering over my skin and its putrid breath is trickling my cheek. I've given this battle my all and now I'm on my knees. The time is nearly upon us.
Yet tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow the sun will rise, and it will set. Life will happen all over again and it's another chance to battle the black monster. To stand up it, and smile, and say, “Not today. Not tomorrow. Not ever. You don't control me any more.”.
But I'm scared that one day I won't be strong enough to battle the monster that lives in my head.

I'm sorry.

~~~
Rae is an award winning author with several books to her name. When she's not battling the beast inside her head, she enjoys seeing how far life will take her. She's currently running a Kickstarter to help fund her first non-fiction book:
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/raegee/living-las-vegas

Pushing Through the Pain

My immune system is broken. I make no bones about it, nor how it came to be that way. This is what nearly 15 years of illegal, and prescription, drug use does to you. It might not happen to everyone but, for me, it's left me having to take life at a slow, steady pace. With love and care, my body will hopefully repair itself. For the time being, I'm eating a healthy diet and loading up on vitamins and minerals. And I'm lucky to be alive, something that I'm eternally grateful for.
With it comes a whole slew of side effects. The exhaustion is crippling and some days it starts before I've even slipped out of bed. My energy levels go up and down more often than a roller coaster. And my social life is non-existent because I'm either too tired, am recovering from some virus, or am trying to avoid another. It's not you, it really is me!
But all of this has given me the time to follow my heart. It's given me the chance to search deep inside of myself and rediscover those hopes and dreams that I'd previously thrown to the wind. It's allowed me to sit back and start working on these things at a slower pace. Things may seem like they're not happening but, deep down, you know that there's a shift happening and that there is something bigger just over the horizon.
Your dreams don't happen overnight. They take a lot of work. So what happens when the inevitable tiredness raises its ugly head? How do you push through the pain and weariness to keep on going?
Often this is when people stumble and stop. The exhaustion and the effort drive them to do it, forcing them to stop and make do with the life they have. Their mind tells them that everything they're working for doesn't exist and that there is no use in carrying on. Why bother when there will be nothing to show for it at the end?
But, rather than going wrong, what if it all goes so right? What if everything you've ever wanted is just going to take one more little push?


When the doubt and the exhaustion arrive, stop for a few days. Take a step back and enjoy the life that you have right now. Look at where you are and all that you've accomplished. Those amazing photographs that everyone comments on? Yep, you took those. That story that everyone is raving about? Yep, you wrote that. That piece of art that's hanging in the little coffee shop in town? Yep, you created that. The song that a stranger is currently passing around social media? Yep, you wrote that.
When I'm too tired to move, I stop and step away from my computer. I go and lie on the sofa. Or read a book. Or listen to some music. When the doubt appears, I think back on the wonderful reviews and comments I've had about my writing. It's the push I need to pick myself up the next day and do a little more.
Just because the big things haven't arrived yet doesn't mean that they won't. They will but you have to keep pushing on through to reach them. Enjoy what you have right now and, once you feel ready, go back to what you were doing.

You can do this, one step at a time...
~~~

Trust Your Journey

Does your heart ache with the need to do something? Maybe you want to write, paint, travel, care for the sick, or move house. You want to follow what your heart is telling you but maybe the daily grind gets in the way. Maybe you're scared or stuck in a rut or don't know where to start.
Take a deep breath and start from the beginning. Make a list of what you'd really love to do with your life. Want to live on an island? Put it on there. Want to buy your own house? Put it on there. Write down everything that you want to do, look it over and decide which ones you can feasibly achieve in the here and now.
Perhaps one of your dreams is to write a novel. Do you have an idea for a story? If so, make a little time in your life to start working on it, even if it's only five or ten minutes every other day. Go to bed a little earlier and lie in bed with a notebook. Set the TV to record that show you want to watch. Put the cleaning off for another off. Turn your phone off. Every little thing you do to free up time to do what you want to do is a step in the right direction. You may not see the results straight away but you're getting there, one step at a time.
Doing something new is about commitment and being true to yourself. For a long time, I wrote nothing but fiction and I loved every moment of it. Over the past year, that desire has waned and been replaced with the need to write non-fiction. I still dabble in working on my novels but the drive to finish anything has dwindled. The last thing I completed was the novel/screenplay combo “Dance in the Rain” back in 2014.
To prepare for a new phase in my life, I knew that I needed to change some of my skills. So I started brushing up on my research skills. I also started running interviews on this website. Whenever I was offered a guest blog or the chance to speak somewhere, I took it. I asked myself, “Can I sit and listen and give someone my entire focus for the length of an interview?”. For me, that can be extremely difficult so it's something I've been practising with family, friends, and work colleagues. Now I'm hopefully putting the final pieces of the puzzle together in order to start this brand new chapter.


Changing your life doesn't happen overnight but it can be done. You have to be true to yourself. If that yearning for something new is living in you, take time to think about what you want to do and how you can get there. It might not happen today. It might not happen next month. But you can do it. You can do whatever you put your mind to.
May your week be wonderful!
Rae :)https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/raegee/living-las-vegas

Kickstarter - Going It Alone

What makes a person decide to try crowdfunding? And what makes them decide to do it by themselves? It's a huge task, especially to get it right. There's a lot to consider: How to tell your story, the wording you'll use, how to present your video, costings, rewards, promotions, and press releases to name just a few.
When it's just you, crowdfunding can take over your life and it becomes a second job. And it's not just all the physical work that you have to put in. With it comes the emotional toll and it can become crippling when there's no one else to talk to about it.
Building a crowdfunding page was, for me, much like writing a novel. You have an idea and then, over months or years, you flesh that idea out. The “where”, “why”, and “what”. Slowly you begin to build a big picture that includes many intertwining paths. You carefully link these paths until they become a motorway that (hopefully) races along to your final destination.
I found that putting it together was relatively easy. It was hitting that “Launch” button that proved difficult. Crippled by self doubt and riddled with a tendency to self sabotage, I spent many weeks debating whether to launch the Kickstarter or not. Could I do it? Was it the right thing to do? I have no team to defer to and no one in my close circle has ever tried crowdfunding before. There was no one for me to turn to in order to vent my stress and worries. I was on my own, a pioneer staking my claim on a brave new world.
What's baffling is that despite my limiting beliefs, I know that I can bring this project to life. It's just getting over the crippling self doubt that can be the problem. Fighting a battle with yourself while trying to get a project funded is one of the hardest things I've ever encountered and it's nearly driven me to give up.
But I can't because I've come this far and, deep in my heart, I know that is the right thing to be doing. Fighting through the fears and the stress is just part of the process.
Don't let your fears become you. Don't let them take over your life. No matter what you're doing, take a deep breath and continue to fight through them. Your fears don't make you. Don't let them overwhelm you. Because you are more than that little voice in the back of your head. You are more than the self doubt. Just keep fighting through it until you come out the other side. You'll want to give up and you'll want to cry. If that happens, give up for a while and let the tears fall. But, once that's done, pick yourself up and and keep on going. Because life is meant to be beautiful.

To those who have taken the leap of faith with me and backed “Living Las Vegas”, thank you. Your love and support means the world to me. If you'd like to get involved, please do. We'd all love to have you along for the journey. I promise you that it's going to be a great ride.

https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/raegee/living-las-vegas

Living Las Vegas

The idea for Living Las Vegas was one of those early morning ideas. The ideas that come to you long before dawn is breaking. It was 3am and I was in a taxi, on my way back to McCarran airport. Chatting to the driver, I discovered that she'd moved to Vegas several years beforehand. Not because she was trying to win big or to become famous but in order to provide a better life for her young family. Her story was like so many others I'd heard during the week, people who'd left their homes and moved across the country, or even around the world, to try and provide for those they loved. While I was waiting to board my plane back to the UK, I drafted the idea for Living Las Vegas, a book that would find these people an put their inspiring stories in to one place.
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/raegee/living-las-vegas

Empower Each Other

We live in a world where people are encouraged to tear one another down. They're told that, in order to get ahead in life, they have to tread on other peoples dreams and berate one another. If it's not a dream they're taking apart, it's another person's body. Or their personality. Or their style of dress. We live in a world that is polluted by hostility to those around us. We're conditioned to be constantly on guard and to have an explanation for every second of our lives. We're watched and judged, not by the government, but by one another.
What if we could flip that around and, instead of beating each other up, we could empower one another? Wouldn't it be nice to live in a world where, instead of climbing over each other to reach the top, we could climb it hand in hand?
It's time to empower one another. It's time to take back control of ourselves and who we are, to live our lives in a beautiful and productive way. It's time for us to look at one another as friends rather than enemies. It's time for us to love ourselves and those around us.
We can make a difference in one anothers lives. We can choose to step away from the crowds and be different. We can choose to be loving and compassionate. We can help one another along this journey called life.
But how?
Find something good to say about someone's work. They've probably had it picked apart by torn different people and your compliment could change how they feel about what they're doing. Encourage one another and lift people up. You could change a person's life.Climb the ladders together and love those who've supported you along the way. Say thank you and give out hugs. The way you treat a person is your trademark.Stay strong together. There's people out there whose life mission is to make everyone else feel bad. When they come along, rally together and encourage one another to keep going. The road may feel long but the people you're with can turn the journey in to a festival.Get excited about each other's lives. Does someone have a big project going? Is there a new band that needs a little love? Share them on social media and celebrate both the big, and small, achievements together.Make like-minded friends along the way. Your tribe always has room for one more. Welcome them with open arms.

Life is supposed to be fun and we're supposed to love one another. Make sure yours is a party that has an open invitation and is a party that none of you will ever forget.


~~~
Rae currently has four novels and several anthologies on the market. She also works with various organisations to help promote reading and creative writing. You can buy her books here.

Dealing With The Doubters

It doesn't matter what you decide to do with your life, there will always be people who doubt what you're doing. You've probably already come across people like that. They'll tell you that what you're doing isn't worthy, is unnecessary, or that no one will even look at it.
This is something that happens a lot in the arts world. Whether you're a photographer, writer, graphic designer, musician, actor, film-maker, artist, there will be someone, somewhere who has uttered those immortal words, “What you're doing is complete crap. Why don't you get a proper job?”. Art, to many people, isn't a “proper job”. Yet those who find the time to put you down are sometimes the ones that will see highly paid sports, film, or music stars as being immortal. Everyone else who is working in that industry is, to many people, not worthy of the same kind of adoration.


So how do you deal with it?

Ignore It
That can be a hard one, especially if the words are coming from a friend or family member. Words have power and the negative ones are the ones that live with us the longest. They're the hardest to forget and the most painful ones to remember. Don't give in to what they're saying. Often the person will want you to react and start an argument. Just smile and walk away.

Don't React
The best thing you can do is not to react. People are allowed an opinion but then so are you. You're doing what you're doing for a reason. You may not know that reason yet but there's a feeling inside of you that you have to keep going, that there's some end goal that you'll eventually reach. You don't know what that end goal is (a lot of us don't even if we have an idea of where we'd like to end up). Tell them that they're allowed their opinion and, again, smile and walk away.

Don't Go Looking For It
You might already know which places or people are going to tell you that your life's work is useless and the best thing you can do is not go there. Whether this is a bar, club, website or online group, the best thing might be for you to step out of it. If you feel the need to go back, give it a few weeks or months before you do. If you have work out in the world, don't go looking for reviews. I made that mistake when I was first publishing books and I now only go to Amazon or Goodreads to buy or rate books. I don't go looking for the reviews or ratings that others have left on my own.

Surround Yourself With Good People
Have you found some really awesome people who are supportive of what you do? Awesome! Hang on to them. They're precious people and, while they may not like everything you do, you know that you can trust them to be truthful. Rather than just dismissing what you're doing, they'll be able to point what needs fixing and pick you up when the going gets tough. Look after them like you would your own family because these people are hard to come by but will stay with you forever.


What you are doing has a deep meaning to you. Follow what your heart is telling you and keep putting your beautiful work out there.  

Remember Who You Are

Do you remember what it was like to be a kid? Do you remember what it was like to play and dream and talk of the future? Do you remember what you wanted to be when you were eight years old?
As we go through life we lose track of those memories. We forget that child who dreamed of being a vet, or an astronaut, or a storyteller. We forget about the wonder of looking at a clear night sky or taking a walk through the woods. We become worn and beaten down and stop looking at the world through innocent eyes. We forget that, at eight years old, we believed we could do, or be, anything.


Society tells us that, once you reach a certain age, there is no time for imagination or play. Adults must no longer allow their minds to wander to the impossible words of “What if?”.
But what would happen if you allowed your mind to wander? Where would it go? What would you see? Who would you meet? The mind is an amazing place, filled with all manner of incredible stories. It's the place where dreams live, where ideas are born, and where the first tentative steps of travel are taken. There's truth in the saying “You can do anything you put your mind to”. It will take hard work and perseverance but it can be done.

Release yourself and let your imagination soar. Allow it to go to the places that it stopped exploring when you reached adulthood. Go back and remember who you were. Remember that innocence and freedom and embrace. Let your fears go. And when you dare to dream have the courage to follow through with them because none of us knows what tomorrow will bring.

One Year On...

This past weekend marks a year since I took the last dose of Seroquel. Over the course of twelve months, I was weaned down from 200 milligrams a day to nothing. On March 28th 2015, I took the final dose.
As I've written before, it wasn't an easy journey. There were the usual withdrawals that you'd associate with any kind of drug. Then there was the case of adjusting back to real life, something which I'm still going through.
This whole process has not been without its problems but it has been fun and interesting. Along the way, I've had to choose what I want to do. Do I give in to the darkness that my mental health can bring? Or do I look to the sun and live in the light? Taking this final step has also taught me that, in life, it takes strength to do anything.
It takes strength to quit an argument.
It takes strength to follow your heart.
It takes strength to be the person you want to be.
It takes strength to make changes.
It takes strength to grow and heal.
It takes strength to live.
Life would be boring if it was easy. We're given challenges to teach us how to face ourselves and our future. What we experience can make us. It's up to you to decide what to do with whatever comes along. Some experiences will make you want to give up. Others will leave you speechless with pride and happiness.
Life is about moving forwards. Even if your movements are slow, you're still going somewhere. The final destination is yours to choose.
This isn't the end. In fact, it's the beginning of a whole new journey. The journey may not be quick but it is about moving forward, even if it's just one step at a time.

Welcome to a whole new chapter. May your life be filled with beauty and love.
http://www.facebook.com/tobymac

The Loneliest Road

There are some periods in our life when we find ourselves alone. We may still be surrounded by family and friends but these people not understand the journey you're taking. The path you're walking may be one relating to your career, relationships, or another aspect of your life. You may not want others to know what you're working through or they may not want to know. It's a hard choice between living a life that seems normal and following what's going on in your heart.
Taking a life journey by yourself can be one of the most daunting things. You're alone with no one to talk it and the only company is yourself. It's not a straight road, either, and one that is often fraught with sharp turns and shadowy embankments. You don't know what you're going to find around the next corner and your drive to find out won't allow you to stop.


But it's the loneliness that can become crippling. Everyone needs someone to talk to, to explain what they're doing and to find reassurance for their actions. The longest, loneliest road often doesn't have these people and the person taking this journey can find themselves isolated and depressed. They want to talk. They want to share what they've seen and what they've found. Yet, all too often, the understanding souls they can talk to just aren't there.
The creative arts are like this and I've known many people who've stood on this road and asked themselves what they're doing. They've debated turning back and giving up because they can't abide the darkness that consumes them. They hate being alone and want someone to share the joy of the journey with.
I'm going through this at the moment. While I watch my friends and family prepare for huge, life changing events I find myself sitting here with piles of paperwork as I try and get my latest project off the ground. There's no promise that it will work but I can't sit back and think “what if?”. I'm driven to do it and only I can put in the work that will make it come to life. The risk and the not knowing is part of this journey that so many people take. Yet, along the way, I can't help but feel the pangs of loneliness as I watch people I know gather, laugh and celebrate.
Yet I've also seen so many people who've reached the end of the road and found amazing things at the end. Much like the proverbial pot at the end of the rainbow, they've hit the jackpot in more ways than they can imagine.

The journey may be long and it may be hard. It may seem to be fraught with danger and darkness. But good things can only come from it. Never give up and know that you're never alone.