Angela B. Macala-Guajardo's Blog, page 8

The Perks and Kinks of Starting Life Over

It’s become a monumental task to stay positive as of late. Just when I’d built a good habit of not fretting over my amazon.com ranking from hour-to-hour, and instead focusing on just getting another book written, I get an email from my ePublisher, asking if I wanted to lower the price of my book since it’s not doing too hot. Now, what made this such a sucker punch was that I’d finally done was give up control of things out of my hands, and let the higher powers do their thing. Finally let go. And what changes? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

A whirlwind of emotions tore through my psyche after that, and it took me a few days to reassert my grip on reality and put everything in perspective. However, I think I’m gonna steer clear of the higher power crap from here on out. I’d rather focus on what I can do, what I can control, instead of wasting breath asking help from invisible forces. Still, I’d gladly accept help from such forces, but I don’t think they do anything beyond putting people in my path I need to spend time with. The rest is up to me.

So what can I do to salvage my life? I’m flying over to Arizona with my two cats, one suitcase, and one stuffed backpack on June 9th to start life over. I’ll be putting a full-time effort into becoming a full-time author, something I’ve dreamed of doing for years. It’s exciting and scary. Scary since I’m moving across the country and I don’t even know if this hard work will pay off. There’s no going-away party; just a lot of hope for things to get better with this life shakeup. I’m certain Raz (real name Simon) is the next person I need in my life. I have a lot to learn from him. We’ve discussed what we both believe I need to learn from him (and he from me), and hopefully these things will open me up to move forward as a writer and author. I’m hoping these emotional battles that have not yet been won are why my one-month faith experiment was a horrible flop.

One thing that needs to be done is remove the word “failure” from my vocabulary. The blunt truth about my book flop is that it’s the first thing I ever got published, and I’ve been at it full-tilt for only four months. It took my ePublisher four books and a ton of effort to start living the writer’s dream. Genius me thought things would go smoother with his help and hard-earned wisdom, but that’s not how life works. So, I have two more books lined up to get published this year. Maybe a third by Christmas, since I already have a good chunk drafted. Then next year will be a fresh year for new books eagerly waiting their turn to be put on paper.

I have to remind myself every day to keep trying. In all honesty. I don’t want to give up. Some days I wish the world would give me an excuse to give up, but I know in my heart of hearts that giving up is wrong. What makes it hard is the uncertainty. I’ve gone through life with one thing after another not panning out. What’s my life’s journey adding up to? Where is it taking me? Am I even on the right track? The thing is, I don’t know how I could be on the wrong track. There isn’t anything else I’d pour my entire heart and soul into. So yeah: feeling very lost, confused, frustrated, scared, yet determined to make something of my life. I don’t want to float through life as a nobody. I want to be somebody, accomplish some good, and even help others once I’ve helped myself. I know I’m so far from alone in how I feel right now.

I’m still young. I turn 28 on June 20th. That’s it. I have my whole life ahead of me. Yesterday I visited the high school I used to coach Track & Field at, since the Enfield-Fermi rival meet was taking place. I talked to as many as my former athletes as I could, saying both hello and goodbye. A handful of them have distinct paths/majors they’re pursuing, which made me proud. The rest were in a grey area where they were either switching majors or thinking of doing such a thing. I encouraged them to go ahead with the change and to not be afraid of staying in school a little longer. Explore their options. Don’t settle for anything less than what you’d love to do. I also let them know it was okay to have no clue what they wanted to do for the rest of their lives. I thought I had it figured out halfway through grad school, yet turned out to be quite wrong. And just like I’ve reminded myself, I pointed out that they’re young and have plenty of time to figure things out.

Moving to Arizona from New England is definitely going to a culture shock. Flat terrain, beautiful mountains in the background, scorpions, spiders, rattle snakes, mini palm trees, cacti, no basements, sand storms, water usage control, and no Red Sox, unless we take a drive to L.A., which we intend to do one day. We’re heading to Kansas for July 4th to meet up with more friends, two we know from WoW, and have one big barbecue and set off hundreds of dollars of fireworks. I will be standing at a healthy distance from the explosions. There will be fishing trips, and me probably dashing around the neighborhood with a camcorder if I see a dust devil like the one he inadvertently captured in the photo below. He was only trying to show me the view of the mountains from our back yard.

Let life’s journey continue, hopefully in a positive direction.

To Ocean’s End: An Excerpt Read Aloud

Okay, here is my first ever attempt at reading something aloud for the public to enjoy. This is from my soon-to-be published fantasy novel To Ocean’s End. It’s the story of a seafaring captain who can never find a moment to eat a cheeseburger in peace. Please note: the last two minutes are just outtakes of me flubbing up my words and making all sorts of faces. Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/edit?action_reinstate=1

Any and all constructive critique is welcome. I do know I still need to work on reading slower. Also, if anyone wants to read a chapter aloud, lemme know. I hope to get as many people involved as possible.

Starting Life Over: Putting in a Full-Time Effort to Become a Full-Time Author

Last night my soon-to-be roommate informed me that he finally found a house in Safford, Arizona. After that  phone call, I felt the freest I have in a long time. I’m finally free to step out of the rut that is my life and start fresh.

These past six years have been rough, the last two in particular. It’s been a struggle to figure out where my niche in society is. It’s very stressful to be yourself when you don’t know where you belong, and when you try one thing after another, just to have them not work out, it gets pretty darn hard to stay positive. And on top of that, when you figure you might as well follow your dreams, since nothing practical is working, people panic and try to discourage you from what they assume is a pipe dream, it’s hard to convince yourself to give your dreams/pipe dream an earnest shot.

When I was little, I thought I was going to be a nurse and I’d have everyone call me Nurse Beth. Come sixth grade I wanted to be a storm chaser and pursue storms all over Tornado Alley. I still plan to do that one sumer, just for the thrill of it and some good memories, even if I don’t see a tornado with my naked eyes.

Come either middle or high school, I wanted to be an artist. I drew every day, doodled in all my notebooks, dabbled in watercolor paint, which is frickin’ hard, and even took art classes in undergrad. But there were so many people who were so much better.

So maybe it was soccer. I played the sport for fourteen years, was a very good goalie, but got smothered by sports politics and ran out of drive to continue much after high school. I could’ve easily gotten a walk-on position as goalie for CCSU but I’d lost my passion for it during the two years I went to a community college.

Long story short: I was originally going to major in English in undergrad but instead I completed a degree in Theatre with a Creative Writing minor instead, since I’d discovered my love for writing shortly after high school. In the beginning it was all fun and improv games, but when I learned to tell the difference between good and bad acting, and that I didn’t fall under the “good” category, the feeling of being lost cropped up. I developed a healthy respect for those brave enough to become really talented actors; good acting is hard. I finished the degree I started and went into hiding for a year.

My focus came back to writing in that time. I started working a Barnes & Noble, but they stuck me in the café. I don’t. Drink. Coffee. *flat glare* And working in a book store turned out to be just another customer service job, even when they put me on the book floor. Still, while there, I met someone who encouraged me to look into the only grad school I ever applied for: WCSU. I entered the MFA program all googly-eyed and thinking I’d be the next best things on bookshelves.

Um, no. Instead I learned to write much better as I met more wonderful, talented people. After the first year, I realized I needed to have a day job while trying to get published on the side. I wasn’t going to land myself a literary agent just because I went to grad school for writing. So my second year I gave up my high school Track & Field coaching position and got into teaching at the college level. The job wasn’t bad. It felt good to help students become better writers and critical thinkers, and encourage them to ask questions, but budget cuts shot down any chance of me ever securing so much as an adjunct position. Every place I went wanted at least five years of experience (preferably 9+). Well damn. There went that option.

Thus began two very dark years where I felt like I was doing nothing more than wasting resources to keep my sorry ass alive. But I pushed through it. After eight months, I got back in the habit of writing every day. I completely rewrote a book I’d done years ago, then started on the third in the trilogy. I got my Master’s thesis published, fired my first ePublisher after he left me high and dry, and even neglected to pay what little royalties due to me, hired a new one, and relaunched my book. I’ll give you an update on how it’s doing come June 1st. Right now I don’t know, nor do I want to know. I’m in the middle of writing a book which, as of today, has maybe five chapters left before I complete the draft (see To Ocean’s End in the Publications & Current Projects tab). That’ll be the next book I make available to the rest of the world. And after that, probably the second book in my trilogy. We’ll see.

I struggle to take pride in where I’ve come from and where I’m going. People look at me like I’m an idiot for the degrees I’ve earned. I don’t regret my time spent in the Theatre department. I met so many wonderful people who’ve had a positive and lasting impact on my life. And I most certainly don’t regret my graduate degree or the people I met there. What’s practical for me isn’t the same as what’s practical for others. I’m an artist, a writer. I have to follow my heart. I quite honestly would rather be dead if I had to give up writing to take on some mindless, meaningless 9-5 job.

So, yes, enter my next decision: moving to Arizona to start life over. A friend of four years now offered back in January. I didn’t take it seriously until March, when I became jobless for the second time in two years. I’m sure many people will think I’m nuts for doing this, running off to live with a friend and put an full-time effort into becoming a full-time author while managing personal expenses with unemployment. Let me explain the sacrifice for this decision I willingly give.

I don’t drink or smoke. I don’t wear makeup or buy new clothes. I’ve bought new clothes once in the past three years, and only because I got a bonus paycheck for Christmas (thanks, Dad and Wee Mum!). I don’t eat out or go to the movies. I play free online games, like League of Legends, or replay older games I’ve kept around, like Skyrim. I tried downgrading my iPhone to a regular one, but since I’d still have to pay for the stupid data plan, there’s no point. I thought about returning the Prius I bought last June, but it’d count as a repo and gouge a hole in my pristine credit rating. I eat cereal for breakfast, a turkey burger for lunch, and something cheap like pasta for dinner, month after month. I haven’t bought new music in months, and buy books much slower than before (I have to read to stay contemporary and to keep my sanity). I gave up karate and dusted off my roller blades, since it’s free to glide around the neighborhood. I don’t date since I refuse to come off as a gold digger, and I drive my car only when I have to go grocery shopping and such. I just write and pay my bills as they come. The only thing I don’t pay for is the roof over my head. So I keep the house spotless.

Out of everything I don’t spend money on, books, music, and eating out are what I miss the most. I’ve never been a drinker or smoker, and I simply make do with everything else I have. I have no complaints. I could go back to waiting tables and rake in 20-25 bucks an hour but to what point and purpose? To be a human carpet to a bunch of thankless people? I think not. I want more out of my life. I want to be somebody who makes a positive difference in the world.

I’m going to become a successful full-time author because that’s the one thing I want. That is my niche in society. You don’t have to agree with my choice or how I go about reaching this goal. I’m simply not letting anyone discourage or dissuade me from pursuing my life’s passion. The same should go for the rest of you if you haven’t already.

So That’s What Finding Faith Really Means…

The following back-and-forth emails between my ePublisher and I have been a pivotal moment in my life’s journey, and in a positive direction. I share this in hopes that it’ll be uplifting and maybe even give people what they need to keep moving forward. Sorry it’s long. It’s worth the read, especially if you’re feeling lost in life.

Me: 

I need help with adjusting my attitude. I keep driving myself into the ground every day, mentally and emotionally. I’m in a state of hopelessness where I already feel like I’m just never going to be one of the lucky ones. My attitude’s so bad to the point where I fear I’m going to manifest my expectations. People just stay to stay positive and hopeful. I can’t seem to drive myself in any direction but down What did you do to not let yourself get like this?

Him:

It is ridiculously hard to remain positive. I mean, it could even take years before you reach your goal, but know that as long as you don’t give up, you will reach it.

Me:

Very true. Did you ever get signs that you were on the right track?

Him:

Well…I’m very reluctant to talk about this aspect of my journey because I don’t want to seem like a fanatic, but…I do find some strength in my relationship with God. I’m a very critically-minded person yet I believe in God. lol. It sounds ridiculous, but it’s true. Anyways, what happened was that I was working so hard it was ridiculous but I wasn’t seeing much progress. In the month of October, I was reaching my limits and I got frustrated with myself and even God because I was like, I’ve tried to be an upstanding person and I’ve worked to my limits and I saw no change. I was angry. Especially since failing would go against everything I believe in. I’ve always believed that if I worked hard enough, I would succeed. If I failed, I feel like I would just go through life like a ghost…just haunting….

Anyways, towards the end of October, I prayed to God saying I was going to put it in his hands. I had to test if he had my back. So I said, “you know what? I’m going to trust you.” I said that I wasn’t going to write a single thing for the whole month of November, and if I didn’t get at least 1500 in sales, the bare minimum to make a living off my writing, I was going to abandon my writing and go job hunting. I said I wanted to be a full-time author no matter what.

The month of November hit, and I didn’t check sales. I didn’t write a word. I played Halo, had fun, went to the movies and tried my best not to think about it. By the end of November, I got 1800, 300 more than I asked for. I was in awe, but I knew it couldn’t be a fluke either, and it hasn’t been. Since November, it’s increased a lot, with only a drop in February and March. For April, we’re on track to have our best month yet with the release of the third Sage book.

From my perspective, it was God…and I’ll say that my relationship and view towards him has been incredibly different than earlier in my life. I’m not going to go high in the clouds and say it couldn’t have been just coincidence or luck. But for me, the way it happened…I’m going with hard work, and a little help from the big guy. I know how you feel towards God and especially religion. I can tell you right now that I myself hate religion, especially the organized kind. But…I don’t know. Food for thought, I guess…regardless, I’m here for you.

Me:

I broke down and cried after reading all that. What got me was 1) so many people in the past year alone urged me to trust in a higher power, and 2) I already feel like that ghost. I feel invisible to the rest of the world.

You don’t come off as fanatical; just honest and down to earth, if that makes any sense.

I know for certain there’s something out there nudging us around and giving a hand now and then. I want help from said power. I don’t know how to ask for it. How do you simply relinquish control, let go of a need to control things? I’m living proof that we mere mortals can’t get anywhere alone. I’m rapidly reaching my breaking point of no return. But the thing is I, too, want to be a full-time author no matter what. I’ve been in this nightmare of a limbo for two years now. I’m so tired of being stuck. I want my faith back in my mantra “hard work pays off.” I was so much happier when I believed in it. How do you trust in a higher power when you feel like you’ve been forgotten and cast aside for so long? (yeah, victim card loud and clear)

I know this is exactly what I need to get unstuck and move forward. I’m not sure how to explain it. My lack is faith is what’s making me feel lost, lonely, hopeless, and stagnant. The thing is, if I try to copy what you did, I fear it won’t work. Say the end of June comes and after surrendering control and embracing faith, I fear the results won’t change anyway. What have I done to deserve anything good to happen to me? I honest to goodness don’t know how to do as you did last November. But the thing is, I want to. I need to. I don’t expect magic results.

Thank you for being here for me. I obviously need it right now

Him:


I think it would be hard to figure out what to do next because I think it is different for everyone. I guess the only thing I can do is give you advice based on what I’ve figured out. The first thing would probably be to forget everything you and everyone else thinks they know about religion and how God works. I’m not going to pretend like I know and I would think that if he really is God, no one’s going to figure it all out. There’s so many religions out there, but honestly, I’m finding that having that personal relationship is a lot simpler than people say it is.

I think the main thing is to just start praying, talking, meditating, whatever you want to call it towards God. No relationship is one-sided so if you want one, you have to voice yourself, your fears, your concerns and your needs. Have a genuine conversation. Acknowledge that you want to believe in this but you need guidance. I can’t say you’ll get full blown lightning strikes or anything like that, but definitely “nudges” as you put it. I tend to think of God as my boss in some ways, like I’ll ask about what I should write next, or I’ll ask for ideas or guidance on something. Sometimes “aha” moments occur. Sometimes they don’t. But I think as long as I’m putting forth the effort, that’s what counts. It’s a journey, not a destination, so don’t worry about not being worthy, or being afraid or anything like that. Just start it off, and it gets easier as you go, especially throughout the day.

And if you’re serious, definitely pray that prayer, asking to make you into a full-time author no matter what. I won’t lie. I had to learn some things, and I don’t know where your journey will take you, but as long as you keep going on it, you’ll reach where you want to be. It’s a long, dark, and often lonely desert with little reprieve, but looking back, I wouldn’t have traded it for anything. Just remember that we limit ourselves when it comes to reaching our goals. Don’t be afraid, and say what you need to say. Back then I realized, I definitely had nothing to lose…

And I’ll try to answer any questions or thoughts I can if you want any help. It’s very hard doing it alone.

Me:

I think my next step is relearning how to believe all over again and just take that proverbial leap of faith.

I am confused by the whole personal relationship and conversation thing. I’m picturing myself sitting up in bed and talking to an invisible entity. I get the whole aha moments and expressing myself honestly, and being patient and learning some things. This past year alone has been quite the crash course. I’ve had to learn to become survivor, instead of victim, and let go of so much bitterness. Heck, even becoming jobless was necessary. Now I just need to get away from the anxious energy coming at me that desperately wants me to hunt for jobs I never want.

In the meantime, I’ll start with what I think you mean by “conversation” and see what happens.

I have a lot to sort out in my head but I already feel a little better Thank you again!

Him:


I guess what I mean about relationship is that it’s not like asking a genie for wishes. It’s kind of like just talking, like you would a friend. People tend to think of God as just some distant force that cannot be reached, but I don’t really believe that personally. Anyways, what I try to think about is that God’s not just going to be in my life or help me if i don’t even ask, so I ask. If I’m distraught about something, I voice my concerns to him. I would try to look it as: if you were trying to contact some higher being, how would you go about doing it? Just waiting for this being to reveal himself wont work. I think that without actively seeking help from a higher power, we’re just left alone. Part of the whole free will thing I think.

End of convo.

It’s things like this that make me believe that this is what “spreading the Word” really means. I still have to ease my fears away every day, but it’s quicker, and I feel lighter and happier overall. What a relief!

If You Haven’t Given Up, Then You Haven’t Failed

Morale is undeniably low as of late but I’m still putting in everything I’ve got every day. Too bad I don’t have wrists of steel, hehe. Once I finish To Ocean’s End I’m gonna take a month off from writing and let them heal. Right now I can crack my wrists, which is something I’ve never been able to do before. Obviously means I’m still pushing them too hard but I refuse to slow down any more than I already have.

Had a bit of a pep talk with one of my friends this week. Book sales seem to have dried up and now I’m left wondering if those five days of free book promotion on amazon actually added up to anything. I really don’t know what to make of it. Sure, I get exposure, and sure I recently received and absolutely fantastic five-star review from yet another person I don’t know (thank you, kind person!) but… like my college degrees, I haven’t much to show for my efforts. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t regret my time spent in college. I highly recommend the MFA program at WestConn for writing. You meet all sorts of amazing people in and out of the literary biz, and learn how to be a significantly better writer and storyteller, but anyway. I don’t regret any leg of my life’s journey thus far. I just wish I could look people in the eye and say I’m proud of myself.

I can honestly say I’m proud of the effort I’ve put in, along with my determination. I’ve encountered a suffocating number of nay-sayers, doubters, and people who simply don’t care. I even met an editor from Tor–yes Tor–and got steamrolled by him in person. Yep, in person. After reading a whopping ten pages of my writing, he told me that I have no natural writing talent and that I should stick to it as a hobby. Yes, he told me that. Yes, I still remember his name. No, I will not defame him anywhere, nor will I rub it in his face when Shield of the Gods finally takes off. I will simply let him come across a glistening copy on his own time let it be proof that he isn’t always right. An opinion is just an opinion. In the end, your own opinion is the only one that matters, since said opinion will dictate where you focus your efforts. In my opinion, my writing passion is worth pursuing.

I keep coming to the conclusion that I’m a failure because I haven’t produced any remarkable results. Maybe that’s true in a sense, but only a temporary truth. I just have to keep trying and keep writing. I’m going through with the idea of moving to Arizona. Gonna pack all my stuff, store all the inessentials somewhere intelligent, then take my cats and essentials to what will the farthest west I’ve ever traveled, beating Texas by a healthy margin, and see if the shakeup gets me moving forward. It’s already been made clear on both ends that if Arizona isn’t for me, I’m always welcome back home. Everything will turn out alright no matter what. Once I return to my endocrinologist on May 17th and get the lowdown on how my thyroid meds are doing, I’ll pick a move-in date. Right now I’m in a rut. I need new scenery and new company, instead of waking up every day to a visual of a daily reminder that I haven’t gotten very far in life yet. This year’s my ten-year high school reunion. Can’t say I’d have gone if I stayed in New England. I was too shy and socially awkward back then. I’d really rather not visit that part of memory lane ever again.

As you can see, this entry is full of amusing snippets from a website I googled. I’m doing my best to keep my own life’s journey as a writer in perspective. As of late I’ve been yearning for a sign or something that things’ll turn out okay. No matter how hard i try at this whole writing thing, there’s no guarantee of success. That makes it immensely difficult for me to stay positive and hopeful. My ePublisher admitted it was ridiculously difficult for him to stay positive before he hit success. For some reason I had this preconceived notion that the truly successful people had this unshakeable positive attitude towards themselves and their lives, an unflinching faith in oneself. Maybe some do, but the reality for most is that it’s a daily trial to build oneself up and keep going, keep trying. You only fail if you stop trying. I can’t argue those words.

I’ll never give up. I don’t know how to give up on my writing. My stories and characters have this… life to them that call me to write. Not sure how to explain it well. I just wholeheartedly believe writing is my calling. I’m here to create fantastical worlds that give people an enjoyable break from reality. Life is hard. There’s nothing like heroes to inspire you muster courage and keep going no matter the odds.

 

Humility in the Face of Determination

Humility in the Face of Determination.

Humility in the Face of Determination

(Image courtesy of The Book Connection)

We’re drawing to a close on the third month of Shield of the Gods being available on bookshelves. After four different cover arts, two titles, two different ePublishers (long story), and several marketing tactics, it seems I have a dud on my hands. It’s the first book I’ve ever had published, the first book I ever wrote, the first thing I ever truly put my heart and soul into, the first step I ever took on my journey as a writer and storyteller. The world thanked me for almost 3,000 free copies, then merely shrugged when I put it up for regular sale at $3.99 apiece. Yeah, I’m crushed. Yeah, I get teary now and then. But do I want a pity party? Hell no. There are lessons I’m learning from this experience.

Lesson One: Expectations

There’s a caveat out there that says expectations only set you up for disappointment, so the accompanying advice says to do something with all your heart, yet without any expectations. I don’t know how to not have expectations when it comes to my writing. Now I’m paying the emotional and psychological price: absolute despair and a sense of worthlessness and failure. Even so, I haven’t given up. I’m still working on my standalone novel, and once that one’s done and on bookshelves, I’ll get to work on another book in a planned trilogy and see what happens with that one as well. Only time and effort will tell. On the upside, my ePublisher still hast lots of ideas and experiments to try on Shield of the Gods. There’s hope for it yet. Exposure via independent publishers is our biggest challenge. 3,000 people on a planet of 7 billion and climbing is a laughably small number to jump-start my writing career. Yeah, I still feel crushed, but this mood too shall pass.

Lesson Two: Fortitude

Failing is a part of succeeding. As far as how much is necessary beforehand can never be measured or gauged. It is simply part of any journey worth the reward. Fortitude is the only thing that’ll get you through the darkest hours. What’s frustrating for me is that every time I think I’ve hit rock bottom, the world laughs and helps me find a new low. I’ve been sinking for a couple of years now while building back up between dips. Every bounce off the new bottom is full of invaluable lessons. I learn more about myself, the world and how it works, what’s important, what I really need to do in order to succeed, etc. All these painful lessons are helping me build a sturdy foundation for my future.

I’m also learning about how the world thinks. Trying to make it as a writer/author requires stepping outside a typical person’s comfort zone, along with breaking away from the conventional approach to finding one’s niche in economic society. It’s not about the slogging through miserable 9-5 jobs while making writing a hobby on the side. It’s about priority and making time for what you really want. There are many sacrifices–unless you’re financially sound already–and so little understanding from people who don’t share a passion for pursuing one’s dream. I, and I bet you, have heard countless people come up with excuse after excuse as to why they have to slog through the same discomfort zone day in and day out. They don’t have the time or money or whatever to pursue what they really wanna do. Even I’m guilty of that.

People keep telling over and over to just go find a job. I tried. I fucking tried. Seven years of college and two degrees in hopes of being a college professor while pursing my writing on the side. How many times was I told about people with a degree on average making more money than people without one? What happens? Budget cuts, budget cuts, budget cuts. LIFO. Poor pay–insulting pay for some of the hardest positions in dire need of filling well. I applied to jobs I qualify well for, applied to jobs I considered a long shot, compiled various résumés to reflect what HR was looking for, honed my cover letter writing skills, sought help from workers that help you with every aspect of job hunting. I even considered going to a career institute in the medical field, but me and needles and vomit, and crazy working hours just don’t mix. I care about people and don’t want anyone to hurt as much as I do from time to time, but medicine just isn’t my field.

Oh, and even if I did go the medical route, I’d have had a lovely time trying to find anyone wanting a recent grad.

So, with all that trying, it’s come down to me being able to freely choose how I spend every day. I’ve chosen writing. Screw you and your starving artist stigma. Screw you and your assumption I’m chasing a pipe dream. I’m trying. I’m giving it my all and trying. I’ll never know if I’ll amount to anything as a writer if I don’t try. This recent realization of failure means I’m getting somewhere. I’m doing things. Go ahead and try to argue against honest effort.

Lesson Three: Perspective

This ties in with fortitude but in the end, fortitude would be one endless struggle without perspective. Instead of banging my head against a wall between bouts of writing, I’m trying to understand why I’m failing, or, more like not failing. True failure is only when you stop trying. Shield of the Gods feels like a failure but it’s really not. I can’t get to where I’m hoping to go without the effort and time invested in it. I wouldn’t be where I am today if I hadn’t written it. So it’s not making me much money. So what? What does this truly mean? Give up on writing? Hell no. I’m a failure as a writer and author? Balderdash. The book sucks? What a load of tripe (okay, enough with the thesaurus).

What this all means is that life is about the journey, not the destination. I’m slowly embracing this. Fear, hope, and determination often suck me into a whirlwind but I make an effort to ground myself every day and renew faith in myself. If you are a fellow writer in need of a buddy to look to for strength, don’t hesitate to hit me up. Don’t walk this journey alone. Let’s get each other to our destination.

Desperate Writers Beware the “How To” Scams

(Image courtesy of The Book Connection)

I created a Twitter account and began eating up all the tweets from authors and establishments like Writer’s Digest. Whole bunch of neat stuff I’m suddenly seeing. However, there’s a whole bunch of not-so-neat stuff disguised as neat.

“How To” books sound great and all but they make as much sense to buy as spending money a book that tells you how to make money. What part of dishing out the very thing you are trying to acquire says good idea? Sure, information is money, a trade, like going to a lawyer for their expert legal advice, so there are places where you genuinely have to spend money before you make money. The word “investment” exists for many a reason. But anywhere you’re trying to cut corners for a quick fix? Cue that red flag.

My dear fellow writers (and authors), please never waste a penny on books, etc. that tell you how to get rich and famous by writing a book.

Here is my idea/opinion of what a bad investment looks like: Create Your Writer Platform. This book says, “Spend money on me and I’ll tell you how to make money off your own writing! Don’t mind the fact that all this information is available for free all over the net! I’m conveniently making it available in one place, therefor saving you time (but not money)!” Maybe someone who’s read this book and hit success can posit a sound argument against mine. Until I get a rebuttal, hard work, dedication, determination, and lots of research are my advised routes. Success isn’t earned by taking shortcuts. Red flags you’re looking for: quick, easy, act of desperation.

Here is my idea/opinion of what a good investment looks like: Writer’s Digest Self-Published Writing Competition. Ever notice how some of your favorite authors have book awards mentioned in them? Lightbulb! There are tons of awards out there, waiting for you. Still, writer beware once again: scammers exist in this field. I wouldn’t suggest applying to one without a recommendation from a third party.

The real currency in the literary industry is time. There are tons of writers/authors out there who want their book noticed. Thing is, if you are noticed, everybody wins. Readers have a new (your) great book in hand, publishers or at least establishments like amazon.com get a cut of the pie, and you move one step closer to achieving your writerly dream. As far as getting the right people to notice, I’m still learning. The whole point of this post is to share this nugget of information for free.

Making it as a writer isn’t about the money. I don’t know about you, but I’ll write until my brain craps out. There is no such thing as retiring from being a writer, and that’s one of the beauties of it. If you were all about the money, you’d give up in a hurry pick an easier way to pay the bills. Writing is a passion, a way to feel alive and human, a form of expression. Express. Be genuine. Be passionate. And don’t ever take crap when people tell you writing is a waste of time.

And writer/author beware: if you start a Twitter account and make it obvious you’re a member of the aforementioned, others will follow you and spam you links to their books. Rather tasteless in my opinion, but the wealth of information you can “Tweetumble” upon outweighs the lack of manners. Happy tweeting!

Tucked in the “To Read” Pile

2,103 books downloaded for three over the course of three days. Then came putting it back up for regular sale. My spirits rose as my ranking clawed its way to 16k, then rapidly fell as my rank has done nothing but sink ever since that glorious moment. Once I break the 10k marker, I’ll have made it into the top 100 in fantasy. That tantalizing and uplifting closeness seems to have turned into a dream-crushing disappointment.

When the going was good for the first four days, I managed to reduce my need to check amazon to 1-2 times a day. As my rank sank, desperation drove me to check almost hourly. Is it better? Is it worse? Do I have reason to feel happier again? Am I going to regret looking again? What if it is better and I can believe things will turn out okay? Maybe it’s better now and I can stop worrying. Please give me a sign that I’m not failing again. Please let my rank give me hope! I know it’s only been a few days and I have to give people time to read and spread the word about it, but I want that unrealistic instant fix to my pitiful life. I just want people to like me.

As soon as I realize I was trying to will a magic instant fix to all of my problems, I stopped stressing out so much. It’s so easy to have unrealistic expectations of yourself and everything you do, and it’s even easier to be blind to these delusions, which return like dandelions and crab grass every day. I have to keep weeding them out so they don’t blanket and smother healthier thoughts and realistic ideas. It’s the tougher side of being human.

The current game plan: just keep writing. I’m doing that alright. So much so that I push my wrists to the brink of spasming every day. I’m desperate to get another book out there. I have to. Once I do that, there’ll be less pressure on Shield of the Gods to perform. I’m in succeed-or-die-trying mode.

I sneak onto my goodreads.com profile to see what more people think of my book. Almost 40 people have added it. A few people have read and rated it (3.86 star average; not too shabby at all), and the rest have tucked it in their “to-read” pile. To read… Oh boy. And I’m guilty leaving many books in that state for months on end, and I few I’ve changed my mind to “eh, forget it.” So, after giving away nearly 3,000 free copies over all five promo days, only time will tell if it adds up to anything. It’s too soon to draw conclusions. Sure, I keep assuming my lackluster results these past few days automatically mean I’m a failure once again, so now I’m slowly convincing myself to stop compulsively checking amazon. It’s hard because I just want my book to be a source of joy and happiness, and not just for me.

Since the beginning of March, I’ve been toying with the idea of moving in with a friend in Arizona. My friend offered.

Having been a New Englander all my life, that’s quite the geographical change. Still, there’s nothing here for me. All the jobs are elsewhere and I think I’m overdue for a life shakeup. I’m in a rut. I need fresh scenery and fresh company. If it doesn’t work, I don’t have to stay there. I’m always welcome back home. Gonna continue thinking this move out. I wouldn’t move any sooner than the last week of June or the second week of July if I do. There’s financial and medical stuff to plan out, along with seeing how my book sales fluctuate; however, I think I’d move no matter how my writing fares.

I’m at about 75k words and 245 pages into To Ocean’s End (see my Publications & Current Projects tab for full details). I’ve got four more chapters before the climactic twist that propels me and my characters into the final third of the story. I’m really proud of how it’s coming out. Beta readers have unanimously agreed–without communicating amongst each other–that this book is better than Shield of the Gods, which is great for so many reasons. I’m learning and growing as a writer and storyteller, and that just gives me high hopes once I make this sucker available on amazon. I have a good feeling about this one.

Uncertainty: The (or at Least My) Ultimate Stressor

This post is one of my deeper digs into my psyche since I haven’t done that much as of late. Wasn’t intentional. Just been going with current events in my life.

First off, let me inform you that my three-day free eBook promo turned out far more successful than I could’ve hoped for. I was hoping for somewhere around 1,000 free downloads, but I more than doubled that with a final tally of 2,103. There was a lot of jaw-dropping and whispers of thanks to whatever’s out there, and to the people who downloaded my book. Hopefully this promo will build steam in regular sales. I’m hoping for the best while I continue drafting the current book I’m working on. One thing I constantly remind myself to do: hope and strive for great things yet have no expectations.

My ebook is back up for regular sale on amazon (see my About page) with the paperback version available universally. My ePublisher and I will watch and see how April unfolds before we make more decisions come May. Do we keep the eBook an amazon.com exclusive or not? If so, should we do another round of free promos? What other ways do we need to pursue to generate exposure? And so forth… Lots of questions, but right now all we can do is sit, wait, and work. And wonder.

Ah, uncertainty. No mortal escapes your merciless grasp. Ironically, the more we squirm, the hard you hold, yet the more we relax and accept, the swifter you move on and out of our lives. So why, when I know this, do I still worry so much?

Habit certainly. Feeling a dire need to know. Craving certainty. Wanting to be sure everything will turn out okay.

It’s a habit I’m trying to break. I distract myself with writing, gaming, roller blading, and some TV (not an avid Tv-watcher, but I’ve watched more since I’ve become jobless), however, sometimes the worrying is determined to run its course. All things shall pass. So do my stress spikes. I don’t think it’s humanly possible to avoid them; just keep ‘em short.  Just say “Oh, well. This too shall pass.” And it does.

Not always knowing forces us to take gambles and make decisions. If we knew every possible outcome of every choice we made, how dull would that be? So we know nothing, follow our gut, and our lives unfold. What certainty do we need? Anything? Nothing? Just one or two things? Come to think of it, this might be a philosophical question. I don’t mind philosophy to an extent. Once I reach a certain point, I have to stop thinking and wondering and just start doing. Philosophy has this habit of question-debate, question-debate, and not a whole lot action.

The whole assurance deal with everything turning out okay… I go back and forth on whether or not this is true. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn’t. I think of the Sandy Hook shooting, just an hour from my house. Crap like that is supposed to happen in faraway places, not towns I’ve driven through a zillion times. How can you tell the kids who died that day that everything is going to be alright? Maybe that saying doesn’t apply to the individual but humanity as a whole. I wholeheartedly believe everything will turn out okay for humanity, despite all the pessimism. As for individuals? Well, stressing over whether or not I’ll be lucky enough to have everything turn out alright hasn’t helped one bit. Doubt it will for you either. So hope for the best and believe your positive actions will pay off for the greater good. We are all one of a whole.

So… bearing all that in mind, how do I create stability? I’m trying to turn my life’s passion of writing into a paying career. Person after person gives me a skeptical look when I tell them this. Heck, even on Thursday, one of my neighbors informed me that my goal is a hard thing to accomplish, and she said it in a tone that conveyed she believes I’m wasting my time. At least when I told her that I have to try, her perspective on things did a 180. Apparently it’s so easy for people to forget that we all must try no matter the odds. No one can argue against honest effort.

Here’s a piece of classical music I sometimes play when stressing out: