Vicki V. Lucas's Blog, page 8

Holly and Jolly

Christmas is my favorite time of year, but recently each year it seems harder to get into the mood. My favorite memories of this time involve ice skating, parties, hanging out with friends you hadn’t seen for a long time, sledding, and hiking through the frozen woods for that perfect tree.

But lately this time of year just seems like more work. Since this is the first week of December, I thought I’d do something different for you. I want to make you laugh. There are far too many reasons to cry, but Christmas is about celebrating!

I truly hope these jokes make you burst out in laughter as we head into the Christmas season. Enjoy!

***

It was just a few days before Christmas. Two men who were next-door neighbors decided to go sailing while their wives went Christmas shopping. While the men were out in their sailboat, a storm arose. The sea became very angry and the men had great difficulty keeping the boat under control. As they maneuvered their way toward land, they hit a sandbar and the boat grounded. Both men jumped overboard and began to push and shove with all their strength, trying to get the boat into deeper water. With his feet almost knee-deep in mud, and the waves bouncing him against the side of the boat, and his hair blowing wildly in the wind, one of the men said with a knowing grin, “It sure beats Christmas shopping, doesn’t it?”

***

There was an art contest held in a local school one Christmas season a few years ago in East Texas. One of the prize winners was a picture drawn by a nine year old boy showing three men, offering gifts to the baby Jesus in his manger. What made the picture unique is how the three gift presenters arrived – there was fire truck on the side of the picture. The principle asked the boy about his decision to draw the truck and the boy, in his heavy East-Texas accent, was quick to reply: “Well, the Bible says the wise men came from a-far.”

***

What does Santa call reindeer that don’t work?

Dinner.

***

It was Christmas Eve in at the meat counter and a woman was anxiously picking over the last few remaining turkeys in the hope of finding a large one. In desperation she called over a shop assistant and said, ‘Excuse me. Do these turkeys get any bigger?’

‘No, madam, ‘he replied, ‘they’re all dead.’

***

On Christmas Eve, Nathan thought it would be nice to buy his wife a little gift for the next day. Always short of money, he thought long and hard about what that present might be. Unable to decide, Nathan entered Dillard’s and in the cosmetics section he asked the girl, ‘How about some perfume?’  She showed him a bottle costing $150.00

‘Too expensive,’ muttered Nathan.

The young lady returned with a smaller bottle for $75.00.

‘Oh dear,’ Nathan groused, ‘still far too much.’

Growing rather annoyed at Nathan’s meanness, the sales girl brought out a tiny $30.00 bottle and offered it to him. Nathan became really agitated, ‘What I mean’, he whined, ‘is I’d like to see something really cheap.’

So the sales girl handed him a mirror.

***

I am a bus driver for high school kids. The kids gave me cards and presents last year. Now I’m thinking, “Man, I must be a good driver and the kids even like me.”

I opened the cards when I got home. On the inside of one card it said: “Thanks for not killing us yet. We really appreciate it.”

***

Ways to Confuse Santa Claus

Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
While he’s in your house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
Leave him a note, explaining that you’ve gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
While he’s in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

 ***

Christmas Gifts for Men

Buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17, and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. “Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?” “OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?” Again, no one knows why.
If you are really broke, buy him anything for his car, a 99 cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
Never buy men bathrobes. Once I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn’t have invented Jockey shorts.
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money, buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or deodorant. I’m told men do not stink – they are earthy.
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. “Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink.” No one knows why.
Never buy a man anything that says “some assembly required” on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears Clearance Centers are also excellent men’s stores.) It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t know what it is. (“From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn’t this a starter for a ’68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.”)
Men enjoy danger. That’s why they never cook – but they will barbecue. (No one knows why) Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. “Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?”
Tickets to a Cowboys game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to “A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts.” Everyone knows why.
Men love chain saws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chain saw. If you don’t know why – please refer to Rule #7 and what happens when he gets a label maker.
It’s hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder.
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8″ manila rope. No one knows why.

***

As George had a habit of giving his wife strange Christmas gifts, she was not surprised when he came one night carrying a tiny, branchless tree. Attached to a lone limb was a shotgun shell.

“All right, George,” said his wife, truly stumped this time. “What is it?”

“Why, honey.” George smiled, “it’s a cartridge in a bare tree.”

***

It was the Sunday after Christmas at St Peter and Saint Paul’s Church in Borden, Kent, England.  Father John was looking at the nativity scene prior to packing away the figures when he noticed the baby Jesus was missing from the scene.

Immediately, Father John turned towards the vicarage in order to call the police. But as he was about to do so, he saw little Harry with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus.

Father John walked up to Harry and said, ‘Well, Harry, where did you get the little infant?’

Harry replied honestly, ‘I took him from the church, Father John.’

‘And why did you take him?’

Harry said, ‘Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to little Lord Jesus. I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give him a ride around the block in it.’

 ***

Let me end with a question. What’s the best holiday tip? Give me your best answer, but this is a joke too, so don’t get all mushy on me…

Guest Post

One of favorite things about blogging is guest posting. Today Elaine Baldwin is hosting me on her blog. Help me support her and leave a comment! I’m positive you’ll like the story!!!

A Balancing Act

I spent most of my high school years balancing on my Arabian, Contessa (pictured left). She was the typical Arabian with enough energy for fifty horses, and she wasn’t afraid of using it. I often thought that riding her was like standing on a lid over a volcano beginning to erupt.

I quickly found out that if I gripped tightly with my legs, it would only make her more excited. (Just so you know, excited in Contessa’s world meant lots of prancing, bucking, and rearing.) The trick to stay on her was not gripping tighter; the trick to stay on was to balance.

And balance has been on my mind a lot lately. How does one live a balanced life with so many things that need done?

How is it possible to juggle a writing career with a baby? How can I fit in time with my husband? And what about volunteering at my church? And time for myself? When do I get to read, to rest, to breathe, to sleep? Is there really a time for devotions where I can sit in quiet?

But forget all that, I just need a time to grocery shop and wash the towels. The “Thank You” cards I’ve needed to write for months are getting dusty, but there’s no time to brush them off, much less fill them out. The pictures of my family that I’ve been meaning to hang are so outdated that I can barely recognize my nieces and nephews in them.

Can I really do it all? Can I write the books and blogs that are burning in my heart while being a parent? Can I maintain a presence on social media and market my books effectively? Can I finish the next book? How can I even think of being creative when I’m so dog-gone exhausted all the time?

By the time I take care of all that is calling out for attention now, wash and put away the laundry, make sure we have some kind of food, pick up the house some so that it doesn’t drive me out of my mind, walk the dog, go to church, spend time with friends, there is little energy left to do anything else. Mention Christmas to me, and I might have a breakdown right in front of you!

And just why does everyone else around me seem to have it all together?

I need to write down my priorities. It’s far more important to me if my daughter is full and happy than if the dishes are washed. I know this in my head, but if I write it down, then I can constantly reaffirm that I am continually doing the most important thing in my life.

Then I need to write down goals for the day and the week. And these goals need to be small and attainable. The daily goals may be as simple as getting two batches of laundry done or writing a blog. The weekly goals can be a bit bigger like finishing the “Thank You” cards or writing five chapters. Whatever it is, both have to be something that I can accomplish so that I have a feeling like I’m making some sort of progress.

I only fell off Contessa twice in the fourteen years I was honored to have her in my life. In 2005, she unexpectedly died. She never lost her energy and love of life until the last thirty-one hours of her life.

Learning to balance on Contessa led to pain when I fell. There were many times where I almost bit the dust and certainly lost all my dignity. My toes were stepped on, and she even tore off one of my one toe nails. I can remember cold days and nights where I had to brave the arctic wind to get to the barn to feed her. I sweated buckets cleaning stalls and working to pay for her keep.

But she was one of my greatest adventures, greatest loves, and biggest joys in my life. The memories of racing across the plains and through the mountains, of her soft nicker to say hello when I visited her, of the humor she brought, far outweigh the memories of the hard times.

I have this picture of me riding her bareback by my computer as a reminder that I’ll say the same about this time of my life. There are bumps and bruises as I learn to balance. I make mistakes and fall. But I get back up. Some things may not go my way. And yet as I learn to balance all these aspects of life, the memories of my daughter’s first smile, the love shared with my husband as we watch her grow, and the excitement of watching my book sell will stay in my heart. The hard times will fade away, and the joy will remain.

How do you balance your life?

A Beautiful Spirit of Gratitude

It was just another average day in the spring of 1999. The temperature was -30 degrees with at least two feet of snow of the ground. Over the sound of the freezing cold wind in my ears, I heard the sharp crunch of ice under my hiking boots as I trudged the five minute walk to my college classrooms.

Yes, I said spring. By my reckoning, April was a time for the snow to melt, the grass to start changing to green, and the sun to have a bit of warmth. However, Manitoba that year had a different plan as winter continued to stretch longer and longer.

I still don’t know what possessed me to go to college in Manitoba although I made memories that will last me a lifetime. There was the time I froze my feet watching a hockey game. I’ll never forget crawling over the snowdrifts to get to my dorm because they were too large to walk through. One night we had to brave a blizzard of epic proportion to get home. The conditions were so bad that we had to run down the road to show the driver where to go. When we switched places, the driver’s door was blown so hard that it didn’t stop opening and hit the hood of the car. Two of my friends got lost in this blizzard while guiding us. We weren’t sure if they’d survive, but thankfully they did. There were the two days when the wind chill dropped the temperature to -70. Don’t ask if that’s Celsius or Fahrenheit. At a certain low point, it doesn’t matter anymore. It’s called Insanely Cold. Then of course, there was the flooding that followed when all the snow melted, and we all gave up studying for our final exams to sandbag around the campus. Yes, such memories never fade.

You might think I’m exaggerating, but I’m not. The temperatures stayed around a balmy -30 degrees. So, you can imagine after five or so months of this, it got old. And, that morning, as I was trudging along, wrapped up under twenty layers of clothes, I was sick of it. I was probably upset about a guy, exhausted because I had stayed up too late, hungry, tired of homework, and facing an Ancient Greek pop quiz. I don’t really remember. I just remember I was in a foul mood and fed up with the frigid weather.

I was halfway to the cafeteria and warmth when I heard a noise I hadn’t heard for months. Somewhere in the trees beside me, a bird began to sing. It was a plain old sparrow or chickadee, nothing marvelously unique. I stopped in shock. It was still winter! And birds are a lot smarter than people. They go south when it starts getting cold. I don’t know if this one came back early or had been hiding out in a barn all those months. But for some reason, it decided to sit on a branch that was basically an icicle and sing in -30 degree weather.

The only thing I could think was I can get inside where it’s warm. The bird can’t. And yet he continued to sing. I stood and listened to it for several minutes. Maybe it was his death song, maybe he was on the verge of freezing to death, maybe he was lonely and wondering where the other birds were. But I prefer to think that he was singing for joy. He was happy, and he was doing what God had placed him on this earth to do.

This week we are celebrating Thanksgiving. We all know that we have so much to be thankful for – a roof over our head, clothes to wear, clean water to drink, yummy food to eat. Even if this year has been hard, we have survived. We made it to another Thanksgiving. I’m not denying that there haven’t been bumps in the road and maybe some major potholes, but God has been beside us. That statement only should give us cause to be grateful.

Matthew 6:25-27 tells us to “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?”

On that frosty cold morning, a bird taught me what a life of thanksgiving looks like. It can sing in the face of a storm. It can enjoy what it has without sadness of the past or fretting about tomorrow. A life of praise to God is filled with a song of praise even if life is miserable or almost unbearable. We can sing because of the hope that God’s promises brings. Promises like…

“I will never leave you or forsake you.”
“Plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11
 “I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:29
 “He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless….  But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength….  They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary.  They will walk and not faint.” Isaiah 40:29-31
 “And this same God who takes care of you will supply all your needs from His glorious riches,” Philippians 4:19
 “Overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love.”  Romans 8:37-39
 “I am leaving you with a gift – peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.” John 14:27.

So don’t be troubled or afraid. Even when the cold winds of disaster howl. Even when the around becomes frozen and cold. When the sky is the blackest and you are alone. Don’t be troubled. God loves you and will provide for you. And that is reason to sing in the face of all adversity.

I often think of that little bird. I like to imagine him meeting the love of his life. They have a nest full of little eggs. When fall comes and the nights start getting chilly, they with their family travel down south where it is always warm and live happily for the rest of their little lives.

One little bird. One small song. And one powerful message.

But I’ll never forget him with his beautiful spirit of gratitude.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks to You

December will mark the one year anniversary of my book Toxic being in print. I am thrilled when I think back to all this year has brought, and I’m excited to see what the next year will bring with the publication of Rancid, the sequel.

I am overwhelmed by the support I have received from many of you. I cannot express my gratitude to those who have purchased the book and have become part of my life.

So, as a way to express my gratitude, I’m giving the Kindle version away on November 23 and 24th. You can find it on Amazon right here. Please feel free to share this information with anyone who might be interested!

And, just to tantalize you a little, today I thought I’d share with you the first two chapters. Enjoy!

***********************************************************************************************

Chapter One
The Night Race

They say evil lurks in the mountains. They say that if the rivers and cliffs don’t kill you, the monsters will. They say there is only one difference between the brave and the stupid.

The brave die a little bit slower…

 

Kai knew what they said of the mountains. And he knew about the monsters because they were right behind him.

As he raced deeper into the lonely peaks, the tales of the old women sitting in the marketplace haunted him. You should have listened, they mocked. Now you’ll die. He’d laughed at them, but they had been telling the truth: the monsters were real, and they terrified him more than anything he’d known in his sixteen years.

He raced through the darkness up the mountains and paused, clutching his side, gasping for air. He didn’t hear any thudding footsteps. Maybe he’d lost them. He waited. The trees surrounding him hid the night sky. Only the sound of rain and his breathing filled the air.

A branch broke behind him. He held his breath. It’s just a deer. But deep inside, he knew it wasn’t. Leaves crunched as loud as thunder. Something’s right behind me.

The moon darted behind clouds, and he bolted. The shadows lengthened, engulfing him. When the clouds parted, the light of the moon revealed cliffs that led up to towering snowy peaks. The hairs on the back of his neck rose as a distant cry echoed through the peaks. That wasn’t a wolf. All the wolves had been killed in the Great Wars. Something more evil roamed the Razors. He turned in a slow circle, following the ragged line of the mountains along the horizon, and then strode to the edge of the cliff.

Northbridge filled the valley below him with hundreds of lights from the houses and inns twinkling like stars. River Shammah, the great river which flowed through Eltiria, curled like a ribbon through the valley. Gazing north, he saw throngs of people hustling over the Great Bridge to the Temple of All to celebrate the Festival of the New Moon. Fools. The priests can’t help you. They hadn’t helped Shona. But no matter how many people died at the Temple, people kept coming to Zoria for help. Maybe it was Her beauty, maybe it was Her power. Maybe they didn’t have any other hope.

Thunder rolled and rain spattered on the bushes. A twig snapped in the trees to his right. He crouched in the shadows. Running only attracted predators. And normally he’d rather eat dinner then be dinner. Hiding was better than running.

Lightning flashed. The light fell onto two large figures so close to Kai that he felt like they’d swallow him into darkness. He leaped back with a cry of fear. They stood as still as rocks, their faces lost in their hoods. Lightning flashed and sparked off a giant axe in the hands of the creature on the right.

“Come with us, little one.” The voice slid out of the shadows. “The Master desires you.”

Kai wasn’t sure what that meant, but it sounded like a bunch of horse manure. He should know. He shoveled the stuff all day.

“We won’t kill you,” the second one hissed. “But we have ways to make you come, Kai.”

“How d… do you know m … my name?” Kai stumbled over his words.

“Kai Teschner, the son of Tadd Teschner, the great jockey crippled in a racing accident.” The first thing replied in a dull tone. “You spend your days shoveling out stalls where your Father was once revered.”

Kai drew in a sharp breath. He glanced down at the city. One pure beam of light across the valley caught his eye. Alone, on the hillside, the light burned brighter than the others. Adoyni’s shrine. But that shrine was deserted. How can it be lit up like that? Kai glared at the light. He had prayed and believed, and Adoyni hadn’t bothered to help. Some love.

The second monster kept talking in a raspy voice. “If you don’t come with us, your little sister won’t die of her disease like she’s about to. No, we’ll kill her ourselves.”

Kai took a step toward them. “I’m not going with you, and I’m not going to let you touch my family!”

The second monster lowered his hood as a burst of lightning illuminated it. The face, towering over Kai, had pale white skin flaking off in chunks. It looked like moldy cheese, the kind that was white with all the holes in it. But this cheese had been forgotten about for years. Out of two holes, amber eyes glared down at him.

Thunder rolled as the sky lit up again. In front of the creature was Shona. She looked even smaller next to the large creature. Her hazel eyes were wide with fright, her chestnut hair dark in the rain. The axe blade was poised at her throat. Everything went dark.

“Please, Kai,” his sister pleaded. Her voice cut him deeper than any axe. “Please, help me. You said you would take care of me. Only you can rescue me.”

“Shona! But…you… died.” Kai felt the anger drain away as shock took over.

“Kai, do what they say.” Shona’s voice floated out of the darkness. “Please, rescue me.”

“I can’t, Shona.” Kai’s voice broke.  “Rhiana’s sick. Mom needs help getting money. I can’t just leave them.”

The lightning flashed again, lingering in the sky. Shona stood with her hand outstretched to Kai. The axe dug deeper into her neck, leaving a red streak on her pale skin. Blood slid down her neck as the axe dropped away. Before Kai could move, her eyes went blank, and she fell to the ground.

Kai yelled. He fell to his knees and crawled to Shona’s body as the blood mixed with dirt. Twice he had seen her die. Twice he had failed to save her. Her lifeless hand still reached for him in the mud. He grasped it and held her tight as he fought back the sobs. He had lost one sister twice. He wasn’t going to lose another. He’d save Rhiana if he had to fight through these two monsters.

He got to his feet, covered in mud and Shona’s blood, and faced the monsters, shaking with rage and grief. He wanted to rip their throats out. But not today. He had to save Rhiana first. Reluctantly, he turned away from Shona and ran deep into the Razors – the very mountains that offered no help, only the promise of horrors.

  Chapter Two

And the Winner Is…

 Kai rushed up the steep mountains. The rain blinded him as it fell in solid sheets, so violent that it dulled his senses. Pain stabbed his side. He gasped as he forced himself to run faster. Boulders replaced the trees as he climbed higher. He slipped and stumbled on the wet rocks, scraping his hands.

Stones tumbled behind him, and he urged his tired legs to keep moving. He had to escape this nightmare. He staggered as the rain hammered down on him. The lightning flashed, making it impossible to see in the complete darkness that followed. Kai took a step forward, and his foot found nothing but air.

Oh, yeah. That’s just great.

He waved his arms wildly in various directions, but he tumbled down the cliff. There was a moment of silence as he hurtled down. He crashed on an overhang of rock and groaned as his body spun and slipped off the edge.

Tree branches smacked his face and rocks gouged his back. Yelling, he madly grabbed at anything to stop his descent. A branch slipped through his hand. Grasping desperately, he grabbed it and held on while his body came to an abrupt stop.

“Ah, ha!” he cried in triumph, his arms feeling like they were jerked out of their sockets. He tried to pull himself up, but his hands slid downwards.

“No, no.” His hands cramped with the weight of his body, and his arms screamed with pain. He wiggled to find a foothold, but his squirming caused him to slip another inch.

“Please, no.” He wasn’t sure who he was talking to, but he didn’t care. His grip loosened. In a mad panic, he forced his fingers to tighten around the branch, but it was no good. He plummeted downward as he yelled.

He slammed into the ground and rolled to his back. His whole body ached, but he’d never been so happy to be alive. He’d gotten away from them. He was safe. Was Shona really alive, or was I just seeing things? He sobered. Was she alive all this time only to die now? He shook his head. He had watched when the priests tried to heal her. He had watched as life left her, as her hand had lost its grip on his.

He sat up slowly, wincing as the blood raced to his head. The clouds parted, and moonlight shone on the cliff. Kai gazed up the rock face. He’d fallen over forty feet. Trees were scattered throughout the sheer rock wall, growing out of stone. No one will believe me when I tell them about this! What a fall! There’s no way those things could get down that!

He stood, feeling the aches over his body. The moon broke out from behind the clouds. Standing right in front of him was one of the monsters. Seeker! The name from the fables leaped into his mind as he saw a scaly arm reaching for him. The servants of the Evil One.

The moon went behind a cloud, and the night was as dark as the insides of a panther. He jumped away from the monster only to land beside the second Seeker. Kai’s eyes were drawn into amber eyes peering down at him.

“We always acquire that which we seek,” it grunted.

Kai’s feet pinned to the ground. “Leave me alone.” He could see a scaly, three-fingered hand reaching for him moving in slow motion.

Only three inches away.

Run! He tensed, ready to bolt.

The hand moved closer. Two inches.

“Don’t even think of it,” the first Seeker warned. “No one has ever escaped.”

Kai remembered Shona with the angry red streak across her throat. He was trapped. He couldn’t fight them. He couldn’t outrun them.

I’ve lost. The words circled in his mind. I’ve lost. I’ve lost.

But he didn’t want to lose.

His mind screamed orders to run, but he was trapped like a rabbit. He stared at the scaly hand coming nearer.

Then it tightly gripped his shoulder.

 

Go Bananas!

I heard of a study done with a group of chimpanzees. Five of them were not fed for some time, so they were rather hungry. Then they were put in a room with a rope that led up to the ceiling. At the top of the rope were some bananas.

The first chimpanzee noticed the bananas and climbed up the rope. As he got close, the researchers dumped a large bucket of ice cold water on him. The chimpanzee was shocked and dropped to the ground. (Ever wonder what kind of mean person thinks up these studies?)

Another chimpanzee gave it a try. He got the same results. After trying for some time, they all got doused and all gave up. The researchers weren’t done, though. They pulled out one chimpanzee and put a new one.

This new fellow was just as hungry, and he caught sight of the bananas. Gleefully, he jumped on the rope and began to climb. What happened next surprised even the researchers.

The other chimpanzees grabbed the new one – the one that hadn’t gotten wet yet – and pulled him back to the ground. No matter how hard he tried and protested, they would not let him climb the rope.

The researchers continued to take out a chimpanzee that had gotten soaked and replaced him with a new chimpanzee. In the end, they ended up with five chimpanzees that had never gotten wet and that had no idea what would happen if they climbed the rope, but those chimpanzees would not let anyone go up the rope for the bananas. They had no idea what would happen, if they could make it or not, but they were not willing to let anyone try.

As a self-published author, I find this story amazing. I’m outside the crowd. Editors and agents hold me in suspicion because they think that I chose this route only my work isn’t good enough to be published. (It’s not, by the way, there are a lot of very good reasons to self-publish.) Other authors tend to be guarded around me because I haven’t followed the same path they took. Some organizations don’t let me join or don’t let me promote my book with them.

And almost everything I read or hear about self-publishing from most of the traditional publishing world includes a large side note about how most self-publishing authors have done a poor job. They typically say that the market is flooded with people who write garage, put a dumb cover on the book, and then publish it.

Okay, so they don’t use those words, but you get my drift. And I do understand that a lot of people are self-publishing poorly. However…

I am sick of this attitude. I am sick of people telling me that I am doing a bad job simply because I self-published. If you want to read my book and then critique it, go for it. But don’t just look at how I chose to get it into print and criticize that.

I’ve also never been so happy and so dedicated to my work before. I loved teaching, but I didn’t put the same level of effort into it as I do my writing because my writing is a part of me. It comes from my heart and my imagination, and I care deeply how it’s presented and shown to the world.

I have raged against this attitude of criticism. I have posted my responses on blogs about the horrors of self-publishing. I often run around the blogs and other social media places shouting “Not true! Look at what I did!” But nothing changes. I feel like I’m stopping one flake of snow in a giant avalanche. But then I thought about Apple.

I can remember when Apple was regarded as something only a serious nerd would want. I even asked the only person I knew who had an Apple computer, “Why in the world would you want that?”

And now? Everyone wants one. iPhone, iPad, iPod, iMacs, MacBooks, you name it. People want it like it’s candy – really expensive candy! Everyone wants it, and they are willing to pay a big chunk of change to get it.

So what did Apple do to change people’s attitudes? I’ll tell you what they didn’t do. They didn’t run around after the haters looking for affirmation. Nope. Instead, through careful marketing and creating amazing products, they turned the world upside-down.

That’s what I’m going to do. I’m ignoring those who don’t like books because they are self-published. I’m ignoring those who say that I can’t. I’m just going to do what God has called me to do. I’m going to write and write.

And I’m going to have a blast proving them wrong.

You may be reading this and think that’s great for me, but this doesn’t apply to you. However, you have a God-given dream within you. It may be that you want go to back to school and get a degree. Perhaps you just want to be a stay at home parent. Maybe you have an amazing idea for starting your own business. Possibly you want to own your home. I have no idea what your dream is, but it’s inside of you and it’s busting to get out.

If you start talking about your dream, or if you take any action, you are going to have two types of people in your life. There are the people who believe in you. They encourage you, get excited for you, help you, and listen to you. Treasure these people. The second kind will tell you everything that is wrong with your plan, why you can’t, and how impossible your dream is.

Ignore the wet blankets! I believe that people stomp on others’ dreams because they have tried and failed. Out of their hurt, they try to bring others down with their waves of discouragement, pessimism, and lack of vision. These are the chimpanzees pulling others down, even though they don’t know why. They’ve been taught by others not to climb the rope, and so they try to stop all those who reach for the bananas. If you are truly seeking God’s will in your life, and you feel that He is directing to take steps towards this goal, then He will give you the ability and strength to see it come true.

I refuse to let the other chimpanzees pull me down with their criticism. They don’t know what will happen when I try for those bananas. I may get doused with ice-cold water, but I will find a way to stay on the rope and fight through until I reach my bananas.

And when I do get those bananas, I may not be able to resist sticking out my tongue to those who doubted.

Want to join me?

Change Your World

I am not a political person. It might be because I have citizenship with Canada and always feel pulled between the two countries, or it could be because I’ve seen too many presidents who don’t live up to what I had hoped they would.

Don’t worry. This is not a pitch for one of the candidates. I believe my political opinions are private and rarely tell anyone who I vote for. However, elections always make me think about two things.

First, God is my King. I love fantasy ever since I read The Chronicles of Narnia at age six. Throughout the years, I have come to love the idea of a king. A good king – the kind that does only what is best for his people, the one that is the first into battle and the last to leave, the one that dies to save his kingdom. Yes, we have a president who guides this country, but God is my King. He holds my future in His hands, and He sets rulers up and takes them down. I can trust that God is in control of my life, my family, my church, and my nation. We keep looking to a candidate to save us and the country, but we already have a Savior. His name is Jesus.

Second, the government doesn’t need to change our lives; we need to change our lives. Don’t get me wrong. The government needs to change many things such as the national debt. However, I strongly believe that for society to change, the individual must first change.

We need to step up. Our country was founded by people who went out, made change, and improved their lives. Need money? Get a job instead of waiting for the government to give you more handouts. No jobs where you live? North Dakota has jobs. Alaska does, too. Granted, North Dakota isn’t the prime place to live, (Sorry, everyone who lives there) but it’s a job. It’s time to work, get out of debt, and then use our money to boost the economy. That’s a fancy way of saying: then you can spend your cash on whatever you want!

We also need to evaluate what we are doing as a church body. I firmly believe that it’s not the government’s job to take care of the poor; it’s the church’s job. I heard someone once say that Christians should always bring good wherever they go, whether it’s to believers or non-believers. How often have you given something to a homeless person? Maybe you think they should get a job first. Jesus never told anyone, “Go get a job and then I’ll heal you.” No, he meant their needs first. Have you or the church done anything to help the homeless, the poor, the children hungry at school? These times are hard on people, but we can pull together and show the world what the kingdom of God is all about.

Change is our responsibility.

So, get out and vote because it’s a great honor and responsibility to be able to select your government.  But don’t expect Washington to bring great change to you. Instead, start bringing the change you want to see to your life and those around you.

Have you voted? Here’s a better question: Have you changed your life or anyone’s life around you?

Keep It Simple

 

Last night during a discussion of the busy schedule of the next day, my husband said something profound. He said, “Keep it simple.” (He was especially wise because he didn’t add the “stupid” part of the saying.)

That has resonated with me all day. Wouldn’t it make life easier if we kept everything simple? So, let’s do just that. You’re busy, tired and have a thousand things that needed done yesterday. Me, too. But I wanted to share a little about what God finds beautiful since we’ve looked at the world’s ideology on the subject. There are two verses that stick out in my mind.

“Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self,  the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.” I Peter 3:3-4

In the first verse, Peter says that beauty comes from the inside not the outside. Humans in every time period have been obsessed with beauty and personal appearance. One site I found claimed that Americans spent about 7 billion in 2007 on cosmetics.

The danger lies in spending all our time straightening the outside and never considering the mess inside. Some women feel prepared to face the day when their hair and makeup are done, but they run out the door without praying or even looking at the Bible. They forget that the makeup will disappear and the hair will be tangled, but a godly heart will remain.

It’s easy to spend hours in front of a mirror, but we have lost years staring at ourselves in the mirror. I often wonder where our great women of the faith of today are. Past generations had women like Franny Crosby and Susanna Wesley. Where are ours? Are they standing in front of the mirror, wondering about that one unsightly spot or their eyebrow hair?

In the second verse, Peter tells us what is God’s beauty is. I’ve always had problems with the words gentle and quiet in this verse. At first, I’m shy. Once I get comfortable, I’m very outgoing. (So don’t ever get me terribly comfortable!) I love to banter around ideas, debate, and joke. Quite frequently, I have my foot in my mouth. This verse has always made me feel like to be a Godly Christian woman, you have to be quiet, compliant, and easy to dominate. That’s not me.

But notice that the two adjectives are attached to the noun spirit. This verse is not about your personality. Your personality can be outgoing, strong, passionate, bold, and loud with the right attitude.

The Bible is filled with bold and brave women. I made a list of some of my favorites for you.

Deborah – She was a prophetess of God, a judge, counselor, and a warrior!


Jael – She’s one of my top favorites. The commander of the enemy army flees into her tent. What does she do? She welcomes him as sweetly as she can, gives him milk, and waits until he falls asleep from exhaustion. Then does she run and get the nearest man to take care of him? Nope. She gets a tent peg and a mallet. Tiptoeing up to him, she drives it through his temples with such force that the peg enters the ground! I can’t even kill a spider. Gentle and meek? I think not!


 Abigail – When her husband angered David, she gathered a bunch of food (for the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, even back then) and rode out to meet him. Keep in mind that David was mad and had 400 hardened soldiers with him. She changed David’s mind with her gifts and smile.


 Ruth – She chose her husband and went out and got him!


 The Samaritan woman begins a debate with Jesus. After she believes, she returns home and tells everyone about him.


 Dorcas and at least nine other women were leaders in the early church. Paul calls them co-workers.

Keep in mind that I skipped many women like Sarah, Rebecca, Jochebed, Miriam, Achsah, Esther, Mary of Narazeth, and Mary Magdalene.

We can be warriors, judges, debaters, moms, peacemakers, and leaders with a quiet and gentle spirit. This woman does what God has placed in front of her to do. She trusts God and doesn’t worry, is motivated by her love and relationship with Christ, and she will have peace.

But a woman without this spirit will worry incessantly about everything, be driven by fear or a desire to win others’ approvals, be consumed with herself, be quick to speak, quick to become angry, and she will live in fear.

I like what Sharon Hodde Miller says in her blog about this verse: “So if you’re like me, go ahead and be outgoing! Be passionate and outspoken and be a leader! But do it for the right reasons… Do it because God gave you that personality and He should be glorified through it. A quiet and gentle spirit does not equal a bland personality–it’s simply an anchor that enhances your God-given uniqueness, so embrace it.”

It sums up this way.

To be beautiful:

Be yourself.

 Love God and know who you are through Him.

 Just keeping it simple.

How Low Can You Go?

Are you sick?

When I taught at the university, this was the question that followed every cough, sneeze, and sniffle. Even if the person said no, they were regarded with suspicion for a while. If you did get a cold or worse, you were treated like a leper in Bible times.

There’s a disease sweeping the nation. It’s not whooping cough or the bird flu. We are much quieter about it. You don’t see it in the news, and there aren’t many visible symptoms. What is it?

Low self-esteem.

Doesn’t sound scary, does it? I remember when the media was talking all about the bird flu. There was so much fear over it at the universities. There was even talk about having a plan of how to teach your class from home if an epidemic should start.

Low self-esteem doesn’t frighten us like that. But it should. Seven in ten girls believe they are not good enough or do not measure up in their looks, performance in school, or relationships. 75% of girls with low self-esteem reported engaging in eating disorders, cutting, smoking, sex, or drinking when feeling badly about themselves.

Don’t think it’s just the girls either. Teenage boys can be prone to obsessive exercising, binge eating, anorexia nervosa, bulimia, and steroid abuse. It is estimated that about 45% of Western men are unhappy with their bodies – 25 years ago, only 15% were unhappy with their bodies.

Remember that last week I wrote the blog Plus Size and Proud? It was in response to Ralph Lauren hiring a “plus sized” model. Robyn Lawley has admitted to being size 12 – and over 6 feet tall! If you missed that blog, you can read it here.

But I ended that blog with a statistic that still has me dumbfounded.

The body type portrayed in advertising as the ideal is possessed naturally by only 5% of American females.

I find it staggering that 95% of us are striving, yearning, and, yes even, dying to achieve this beauty. When we can’t physically reach this ideal, then if we have money, we use plastic surgery to nip and tuck away what we don’t like. And, for those things that surgery can’t fix, there’s Photoshop.

We will never reach the world’s idea of beauty.

And yet…

 …the average size of the idealized woman (as portrayed by models) has stabilized at 13-19% below healthy weight.

 …89% of women in a study of 3,452 women wanted to lose weight.

 …constant dieting and the relentless pursuit of thinness has become normal behavior among women in Western society.

 …the thin ideal is unachievable for most women and most likely will lead to feelings of self-devaluation, depression, helplessness, and low self-esteem.

Chasing after the world’s beauty only leads to failure. When we don’t achieve what we long for, low self-esteem debilitates us. This is a disease that is crippling girls, women and even men across our nation.

What are the symptoms of this disease? Professionals tell us that when a person has low self-esteem, they view themselves as inadequate, unworthy, unlovable, and/or incompetent. It creates self hate, perfectionism, feelings of worthlessness, oversensitivity to criticism, fear, anxiety, and anger. They withdraw socially, lack self confidence, are depressed, cannot accept compliments, are overly concerned of what others think, reluctant to take on challenges, expect little out of life, can’t give opinions or ask for what they want, are pessimistic, and are vulnerable to eating disorders and substance abuse.

Does this sound like anything God wants for our lives?

In case you didn’t know, let me answer that question. No! God does NOT want us to live like this. We long to be beautiful, so we chase the impossible dream of beauty from the world, and we end up trapped in the negative feelings as listed above. I’ve done it, too, especially when I try to compare myself to that 5% everyone thinks is so beautiful. Everyone struggles with low self esteem at some time. Just like any sickness, the trick is to get over it before it gets out of control and you need serious help.

Thankfully, there is a cure to this cancer of low self esteem! The cure lies in knowing exactly what the Bible says.

Step One of the Cure: Knowing what God says in the Bible about us.

·  For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. Psalm 139:13-14

 ·  But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.” 1 Samuel 16:7

 · So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. Genesis 1:27

 · “Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.” Luke 12:7

Step Two of the Cure: Knowing who we are in Christ.

 I’m God’s child (John 1:12),


a friend of Jesus Christ (John 15:15),


chosen of God (Colossians 3:12, I Thessalonians 1:4),


an heir with the Father and a joint heir with Christ (Romans 8:17),


have been redeemed and forgiven of all my sins (Colossians 1:13-14),


and have been made new by Christ. (2 Corinthians 5:17).

So what is the prescription for this disease?

When that pesky disease of low self-esteem, beat it back down with these lists. Tell it to scram because you are a child of the King, chosen by God of all Himself! Look in that mirror squarely and say “I know I don’t live up to the worldly definition of beauty, and that’s okay because Jesus is my friend and I’m an heir of the Father! I am loved by the Lord Most High, and I have been redeemed! My worth springs from these promises alone and not on any physical beauty that will fade over the years. God loves me, and I am His child. That’s enough for me!”

Take two of these and call God right now.

I started writing this blog with the full intention of talking about how we can be beautiful in God’s eyes, but this took over. I hope there was something in here that spoke to you. I’ll try to write about God’s beauty next time, unless something else springs up. In the meantime, I hope you stay healthy.

Do you believe our culture is to blame for low self-esteem? Do you find that this is a subject that we rarely talk about? Does it help to remember God’s promises?

Plus Sized and Proud

I don’t normally watch the news because I end up loudly telling the anchormen and women how I would fix the world’s problems. (So far no one has beaten down my door seeking my great advice. But I have faith they will come.) I don’t know why, but I had the channel on news the other day, and a small bit of it caught my attention. If you follow me on Facebook, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. If you don’t follow me, well, you’re behind the times. Go here and “Like” me. Then you’ll be in the loop!

Okay, back to my recent indignation.  The news started quite nicely. It was talking about how Ralph Lauren just hired its first ever plus size model. I sat down and watched as the reporter continued. I was quite excited because I’m sick of the pressure our culture puts on girls and women to be skinnier than a stick.

However, excitement turned sour about halfway through the report. (Click here if you want to read the article online.) When asked of her weight, the “plus size” model Robyn Lawley declined to answer. Instead, she responded with her size. At 6 feet and 2 inches, she is a size 12.

That’s when I started to tell the television just what I thought. I’ll edit it for you.

First of all, I want to know when size 12 – which is average – became a plus size. You might be wondering what my size is and if that has something to do with my ire. I am way over size 12, but I also just had my daughter. While I was pregnant, I was the heaviest I’ve ever been in my life. I’ve lost a lot of weight since she was born, but I still have a long ways to go.

Despite being heavier than ever, my self-esteem has never been higher. Perhaps my husband is just very wise or perhaps he’s just honest, but he compliments me almost every day on my looks. Besides, when I see my daughter, I don’t care what I weigh. I’m just overjoyed to have her in my life.

However, I do wish to get into shape. Someone recently asked me how much I wanted to lose. I don’t know, and I don’t care. I want to get into shape and be healthy. What that means on the scale is something to be seen. I refuse to play the numbers game and think “I’ll be happy when I reach size 12.” You play the size game, and you’ll never be happy. You’ll get to size 12 and want to reach 10. 10 becomes an 8. And so it continues.

I didn’t get irritated by this report because of my size. I am mad about it for all the women and girls out there whose self esteem just crashed because they are size 12 and are now labeled as plus sized. How many girls and women are going to be too embarrassed to be seen buying size 12? How many of them will become anorexic, bulimic, or perhaps begin to binge eat? How many of those girls and women just need to be told that they are beautiful exactly how they are?

Before you think I’ve lost my mind, take a look at these statistics. If you want to read more, go to the website of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders. I gathered these statistics from them, but there is a lot more information there.

Up to 24 million people of all ages and genders suffer from an eating disorder (anorexia, bulimia and binge eating disorder) in the U.S. 86% began by age 20; 43% began between ages of 16 and 20.
Among adolescents, anorexia is the third most common chronic illness. In fact, 42% of 1st-3rd grade girls want to be thinner. 81% of 10 year olds are afraid of being fat.
95% of those who have eating disorders are between the ages of 12 and 25. The peak onset of eating disorders occurs during puberty and the late teen/early adult years, but symptoms can occur as young as kindergarten.
The mortality rate associated with anorexia nervosa is 12 times higher than the death rate associated with all causes of death for females 15-24 years old. Also, 20% of people suffering from anorexia will prematurely die from complications related to their eating disorder, including suicide and heart problems. Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental disorder.
Over one-half of teenage girls and nearly one-third of teenage boys use unhealthy weight control behaviors such as skipping meals, fasting, smoking cigarettes, vomiting, and taking laxatives.
69% of girls in 5th-12th grade reported that magazine pictures influenced their idea of a perfect body shape.
Nearly 10 million females and 1 million males in the U.S. are battling eating disorders such as anorexia and bulimia, while millions more suffer from binge eating disorder.
More than one in three normal dieters progresses to pathological dieting.
The body type portrayed in advertising as the ideal is possessed naturally by only 5% of American females.

It’s this last statistic that brings me to my second thought.

I want to know why, in a culture that encourages us to think outside the bun (or box), is there only one definition of beautiful. The United States is famous for its individualistic spirit. It’s this spirit that led people to become pioneers, to take chances in business, to stand out from the crowd and create anything from technology to the arts.

But when it comes to beauty, our society refuses to believe that there can be any other definition than the current standard. According to the fashion world and Hollywood, beauty is skinny, tall, and lots of curves. Beauty is no longer in the eye of the beholder, for the beholder is told (at least when it comes to women and men) exactly what is beautiful.

Read that statistic again: The body type portrayed in advertising as the ideal is possessed naturally by only 5% of American females.

Doesn’t this just boggle your mind? 95% of us are trying – literally dying – to be like the other 5%.

Even models have a hard time hitting this irrational ideal of beauty. Sara Ziff, a model and an advocate for better working conditions for her coworkers, said this in an interview, “One friend of mine was told by her agency to only eat one rice cake a day to keep her weight down and if that didn’t work, half a rice cake.”

As a fiction writer, I have a great imagination. But surely it can’t be that hard to imagine a society where all body types are considered as beautiful.

Just who was the genius that decided what beauty is today? Why are we all trying to conform to unrealistic concept?

How I long to wrap all these girls and women who are chasing this impossible ideal of beauty into a big hug and tell them about God’s love. He doesn’t care what size you are, He doesn’t present an unattainable challenge for you and then shun you when you can’t achieve it. Whether you are 100 pounds overweight or starving yourself to death, He just wants you to know how incredibly much He loves you. And if you’re still wrapped up in wanting beauty, He even outlined His idea of beauty in the Bible. The great thing is that anyone can attain it. Without dieting.

One final thought: One of my recent pet peeves is when a woman is presented with the tasty, sugary treat. What’s the first thing we always say? “Oh, I shouldn’t. But I’ll just take one. I know I’ll regret it later.”

This is nuts! God gave us sweets! If I want it, I’m going to enjoy it. That may mean I have to exercise later, but I refuse to live in guilt because of one little chocolate chip cookie. I’m going to enjoy the treats God has given us in this world.

I have much more to say about this matter but will put it into the next blog post. Until then, you can find me shopping in the plus sized side of the store. You should come on over. There are some really cute clothes over here!

I always end with questions, but this time I really want to know your opinion on this topic. Am I going overboard, or do you think our culture has gotten out of control? Have you seen people who have been affected by pressure to be skinny? Is it worse for women than for men?