Melyssa Williams's Blog, page 2

I Sleep in a Salad Bar

Or at least, it feels like one.

We have a television in our bedroom.

We have kids.

They snack. 

You do the math.

Sometimes when I roll over, popcorn kernels - you know, the old maids - go flying across the room and pitter patter across the hardwood floor with alarming noise.

Sometimes, I swear, I have croutons in body places there should not be croutons.

Wrappers between my toes, and gummies between my...well, never mind.

And someone's five year old (I'm looking at you, Mike Williams) colored with a highlighter on my bedspread. With his mother sitting right there, coloring her Megamind page and not even noticing! Can you believe it. Some people's parenting skills. So, now I have orange highlighter all over my bedspread, which is covered nicely by a Lightening McQueen blanket (romantic, I know. I should probably get a photo and pin it on Pinterest so you too can have the sexy getaway we call our boudoir) and food in the sheets.

Ah well. I like to think of the cracker crumbs as an exfoliating scrub that some women would pay upteen dollars for. And the hot cocoa scented pillow cases? Moisturizing and better smelling than the Axe body spray I bought Gianni for Christmas, which I had to hide posthaste because my eyes were bleeding from the odor emitting from his neck, like Pepe le Pew.

Speaking of Christmas, my eldest has inherited my holiday depression: sadness that all this merry making is over which starts around 2 days BEFORE Christmas. We started in with our depression last Saturday, and drank our weight in eggnog as we cried into our cheese ball. We perked up slightly by the sight of our gifts - well, she did anyway. She got a Kindle and I haven't seen her in 3 days now. I hope she's eating. I can just picture her emerging from her bedroom with a Rip Van Winkle beard, a withered old crone. Yes, a crone with a beard! Use your imagination.

In other news, the girls are enjoying school, though of course, they're off right now. In all the sold out theater for Les Mis, Anna was the only kid. I don't know whether other parents feel it was not appropriate for children (I covered her eyes during the prostitute scene) or if kids these days are uncultured ignoramuses. Good think I spelled ignoramuses correctly the first time, or I would have had to delete that whole ironic sentence. Anyway, she was enthralled since she's known every lyric since she was eight. The sequel to Shadows Gray will be out momentarily so naturally, I feel like throwing up. It's like giving birth, except - 

nah, it's nothing like giving birth, never mind.

But I am nervous. I hope you'll read it. 

I'll leave you with a quote from the G-ster:

Said to his father: "I love you more than Christmas and tacos."

Cora pipes up: "What about me?"

G, thinking hard: "I love you more than ... geckos."

(He only has a slight love for geckos, so no one knows if this is a compliment or an insult). 

And looky, looky, what Santa bought me!! A camera!!



" Thank you, baby Jesus, for being born so that I can risk burning down an entire church once a year in your memory." - The prayer of Gianni. Kinda like the Prayer of Jabez, except not.





 I love technology...but not as much as you, you see...No, I really love technology more.






What? Chocolate reindeer butts before 7 am? Why, don't mind if I do, old chap!

seasons

Winter in Southern Oregon:

Winter in Michigan:
 



                                                                      Winter in Idaho:




                                                                Winter in Wyoming:

                                                               Actually, Easter in Wyoming.

Chick Flicks: the Classics Collection

Now ALL of these are family friendly.

Unless you're a man, in which case, they are detrimental to your Man Card qualifications.




All the Anne of Green Gables from PBS.  From the pigtails to Marilla to Diana to the Lady of Shalot to the raspberry cordial, this movie is perfect.




Oh, Gilbert Blythe...making hearts flutter since 1908...

P.S. Ignore the last one in the series, made years later. It's weird and not based on the real books. Although it probably has some fine moments, I was too confused about the odd plot to notice.





The Colin Firth (what? was there anyone else in this movie? I didn't think so) miniseries, which is about 45 hours long and worth every bit of it, is the quintessential classic. It made Colin Firth...well, Colin Firth. I mean, Mr. Darcy. They are forever linked, let's put it that way.

The purists aren't as fond of this more recent version with Keira Knightley, but I found it perfectly luscious.







Of all the Fred and Ginger classics, this was always my favorite. You have no idea how many images of panty liners I had to wade through to find this photo for you, by the way.




Oh, Jimmy! He made many a fabulous chick flick, but this is my favorite. Hilarious cast and great writing (some days I pretend I'm the writer mom, other days I'm the batty ballerina sister).




As far as my boy, Cary, goes...well, it's a toss up between His Girl Friday and Bringing Up Baby. Both hilarious.  I wuv him ever so much.  And the only reason I'm not including Arsenic and Old Lace is because it deserves a blog of its very own.




And finally, The Thin Man movies:



Myrna Loy and William Powell were awesome. Their witty banter is something I hope for when I'm writing, and also what I base my marriage on. After love and fidelity and Cheez-its, naturally.




So, there you go! A Christmas list the girls in your life will thank you for.

Favorite Chick Flicks

Anna is old enough these days that she can enjoy a good romantic comedy with me. Although not my favorite genre, a good romantic chick flick cannot be beat! They're few and far between - maybe one in forty that trickle through theaters - but here are my (and Anna's) favorites:





This movie has the best cast ever. Bonnie Hunt and James Belushi are hilarious, David and Minnie are just right, and the boys in O'Reilly's (Irish Italian restaurant) are so sweet and funny. The best scene (well, one of them) is this one:





                               "I got sick on Swiss water once..."  

Other best quotes from this gem are:

"Whatever you do, don't shave your legs." "What? Why?" "Because then you won't let it go too far!" "Megan, it's a first date!" "Well, I married a first date, missy, and you know how it is. You're out with a guy, you find him funny and attractive, and suddenly everything he says sounds brilliant. Hairy legs are your only link to reality." "I think you should needlepoint that on a pillow." "I just might! It kept me a virgin till...y'know...whenever."

"What do you do?" "I'm a vet." "Yeah...I didn't go to Nam..."

"I think you should put your shirt on, honey. You're going to ruin Gracie for all other men." 









This one I wouldn't let Anna watch yet, due to the swearing (though it is in a British accent, which is decidedly less vulgar, I think) and the suicide scene (which is heart wrenching, and I love Toni Collette).  But those are some of the reasons I love it so much; it's not shallow. Which brings me to my favorite quotes:

"We thought you had hidden depths." "No, no! You've always had that wrong! I really am this shallow."

"I mean, he is such a SPECIAL boy! And he has a SPECIAL soul! And I've wounded it!"  "Oh please shut up. You're wounding my soul."

"As for his mum, she appears to be clinically insane and wearing some kind of yeti costume..."








I had to include this one even though it's shelved in my brain as a holiday movie and not a chick flick, and never the twain shall meet (is that the right expression?) because it is romantic and it is hysterical.  Best quotes (that my hubby and I quote all year round):

"Mistletoe...MISTLETOE!"

"My childhood was like the Shawshank Redemption except I didn't have some old, warm, black man to share my story with." 

"Yeeeeeeeessssss." 









We'll just call these the Steve Carell collection, shall we? The only one I'd let Anna watch is Dan in Real Life. Why?

Why, because I am the murder of love, that's why!


And we'll call this next one, the John Cusack collection:



Not child appropriate. But it's hard for hired gunmen to control their cursing.




"You must chill...I have taken your keys..."



This Sandra Bullock gem (above)? Or this one (below)?

Both extremely funny and the source of many a quote at our house.





Okay, that's it for now. I may have to make a Part II later. Also, a best of holiday flicks - but that could need its own blog.

What'd I miss?

On why I'm quitting homeschooling

The past couple of years have been hard on our family; those of you who have known us longer than ten minutes know this. One constant for us has been our homeschooling, and for the most part, we've loved it.

We've loved:
the freedom
the flexibility
the choices
the one-size-doesn't-fit-all way of life

What we haven't loved:
the pressure
the cabin fever
the lack of opportunity to ever "miss" each other (haha!)
the academics

I don't feel like I necessarily need to shout to the rooftops the benefits of homeschooling; those stats are easy to find, and you can look up the tags labeled "homeschooling" here on my blog if you want my outlook. Nor do I need to give a lot of reasons for why we are done with it (for now), besides the fact that I'm tired and I need something to give (at the moment, I'm teaching 11 dance classes a week, and have writing deadlines). Suffice to say, we are all cheerful and happy and nervous and excited and anxious about our decision to put the girls in a Waldorf charter school. 

Batman Jr. won't start kindergarten until next year, at which time we'll decide what to do with him. The biggest decision that led me to homeschooling in the first place was the time spent at home with Mom: that foundation that gave them the courage and the guts and the growth to become who they were going to be. And who they are is pretty cool. They are independent young ladies, full of passion and with a special kind of education not everyone has (from country life to city life, from sheltered kids to taking in seven inner city big brothers). They are more than halfway to who they're going to be as adults. Homeschooling gave them that security, and I won't take that from Gianni if he needs it just as much. However, it's easier to save the world and take on the bad guys if you occasionally get out of your underoos and leave your own living room, so school might be a good idea for him... So, I dunno. We'll re-evaluate in September 2013. 

If you've never looked into Waldorf Education, start! It's very interesting! I looked into it years and years ago and still have the book I saved up my pennies for as a young wife and mommy. I have always tried to incorporate their philosophy into our homeschool. They're very nature focused, which will be nice for my goonies, who spend entirely too much time "plugged" in to various electronics. They are firm believers in "better late than early," when it comes to academics, which I completely agree with. Forcing children to read before they're ready is detrimental. In Scandinavia, they don't begin school until age 8, and guess what? Much higher test scores. 

All that being said, yes, I will still be writing and endorsing and applauding homeschooling! After all, I write about, endorse and applaud home births too, but I sure as heck ain't gonna have any anytime soon! My place with Home Educating Family Magazine is still solid, and I have an article in Homeschooling Today coming out this winter as well. There are plenty of stories and advice I can pull from from our 12 years of homeschooling. And really, education has always started at home, whether your kids are by your side 24/7 or not. 

The girls are mostly excited to own backpacks.

Yuuuup. As you can see, they haven't gotten out much...

Soon, I expect the guilt to start. The guilt that I've quit. That I'm not SuperMom, like all the other SuperMoms out there. That something was too hard for me. Ironically, the reason my own mother pulled me OUT of public school all those years ago (like, 15 - HA!) was due to my perfectionism tendencies. And now, lo and behold, I am putting my children IN public school to help curb my perfectionism tendencies! How ironic is that? 

It's like a black fly in my chardonnay. Yes, sir. 

Anyhow, that's our news for the winter. If they hate it and I hate it, I will soon be writing a post entitled On Why I'm Quitting Charter School.  So stay tuned, dear readers, and in the meantime, give me some lovin'.

The day I saved a ballerina's life

It happened so quickly.

Seven tiny ballerinas, lined up at the barre, ready to do their tondues. Pink, fluffy tutus, shiny buns, impossibly small leotards, on three year old bodies.

"Miss Melyssa?" I hear. Actually, she probably said "Miss Melyse?" Because my boss's name is Elyse and they tend to combine us. Like Brangelina.

"Yes, Gwen, do you need to go potty?" I stop, mid tondue.

"LOOK!" She points at her pink tights.

My eagle eyes see:








But what I REALLY see and I'm sure she does too, is:










Not fearing a bit for my safety, my adrenaline kicked in.


Me:


Armor is very slimming.



With the strength of ten men, plus two, I remove the hideous monster from her leg and smash it to smithereens with my ballet shoe. It is easily larger than my shoe, and the pink is covered in spider goo and blood and gore. *


"You killed my spider!" Her eyes are big as saucers and her voice quavers.

The rest of the ballerinas look at me as if I just put five rounds of bullets in Minnie Mouse or throttled the life out of Mrs Claus.

Evidently, they make ballerinas tougher these days.

I apologized for saving their lives and we went back to tondues.







*not really



P.S.  You have no idea what I went through googling images of spiders for you. Really. I deserve some major chocolate, decadent coffee drinks, blogging awards, or copious amounts of Merlot for what I do for you three readers.

Feet

Things we know about my feet:

1.  They are hobbit feet. Short, and chubby, and somewhat square.

2.  Also know as Flintstone feet.

3.  Also known as Maple Bar feet.

4.  They used to be able to do things like this:


But then they got old and extra Maple-y, and now they look like this:
not me. Einstein. But we share a love of fuzzy footwear.



Anyway, the girls were complaining all last week that the Mommobile smelled. Specifically, they whined, it smelled like rotten yogurt. 
Seeing as how they're the ones who eat in the Mommobile, not the Mom for which it was named, I gave them the task of cleaning it out. There's probably something nasty that you gremlins forgot you left back there somewhere, said I.
Let it be known, I could not smell the odoriferous culprit myself.
Turns out it was coming from the front seat, not the back, and they traced it to my dance bag - specifically, my ballet shoes. Which I don't think smell at all. I mean, they're no petunias, but come on. Rotten yogurt? I'm insulted. Frodo. I really am.

the post I can't seem to title appropriately so we'll just call it business socks

So, I realized, while not shampoo-ing my hair this morning, that it's been a while since I've faithfully blogged about anything. This is due to watching the ticker on my Amazon page like a hawk. It may not take long to write a book, by George, but breathlessly and desperately watching for sales, stars, reviews, and comments is a FREAKIN' TIME COMMITMENT, PEOPLE. Don't underestimate it. I just have to check, says I, 23498.4 times per day, as I struggle, weak limbed, over to the smoking, quivering, much abused, laptop. It'll only take a second, says I, as I stuff pie in my mouth and re-tie the robe I put on three days ago (after shampoo-ing, I gave up on society approved clothing. At least until my patent on disposable onesies for adults comes through).

So, anyway, things have been a little busy for me, what with all that...busyness.

I almost wrote business. Which makes me think of business socks, which would go really well with disposable onesies.

Anyhoo. Not a lot going on here. Made Thanksgiving. Ate Thanksgiving. Will continue to eat Thanksgiving until the last piece of congealed stuffing is gone and I can finally wash all those plates and bowls (holy smokes, my cupboards are empty).

All I can think to say is, I'm pretty sure I have a brain tumor or something. My ears always hurt when I get up, which can only mean one of several things: they get folded over and smooshed during the night (a likely possibility), I'm grinding my teeth again (a likely possibility), or I have a brain tumor (the most likely possibility). I don't know why the tumor would hurt my ears, but I figure it probably rolls around in there like a tumbleweed and occasionally gets caught in my ear canal. I keep forgetting to google my symptoms, like any self respecting play at home doctor would do; probably because I'm busy blogging for you. Oh yeah, and watching my Amazon stats. Be right back.

K. What was I talking about?

Right. Medical symptoms. So, anyway, if you don't hear from me, I'm either 1. tending to my patent duties, 2. tending to my pie, 3. tending to my brain tumor, 4. not washing my hair or putting on acceptable clothing. KnowwhatImean? You know you do.

So, until then, my dears, enjoy your stuffing and your tumor free ears.

Thankful for Readers!

Today, tomorrow, and Saturday, only...

Shadows Gray is free on Amazon!

Tell your friends, tell your family, tell your enemies, tell your turkey and cranberry sauce. Everyone needs something to read when they're too full to move and the football's over. And a bonus? The new uploaded version has the first chapter of the newest book in the Shadows series, Shadows Falling... Already have your version? No problem. Just delete it in your Amazon library, and get the new version for free.

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B007NC8DN4

Happy Thanksgiving...I'm so thankful for YOU.







From the synopsis of Shadows Falling:

Rose Gray is troubled, and has always been alone. When she reunites with her long lost sister, Sonnet, her mental fragility snaps to the point of murder. Sonnet has all but given up on her now. Circumstances - beyond unusual and strange - have made Rose the way she is; for not only can she travel through eras, she can decide where to go. For a perfectly sane girl, this could be a gift: for Rose, it could be danger for anyone she has ever had the misfortune of meeting. A childhood with gypsies, an apprenticeship with a dark man, and a love affair with a dangerous boy, are what's normal for Rose - as is time spent in Bedlam.

Lizzie is an orphaned nurse, resigned to a life of changing bedpans and fluffing pillows at the world's most notorious insane asylum. Finding an old diary proves a welcome distraction from a medical world who doesn't take nurses too seriously in 1931. But falling into the world of the diary's author, Rose Gray, Lizzie is swept into an ever deepening mystery; one that could leave her just another victim. Because, although the diary in Bedlam hospital may be old, Rose is not. And she never really left.

It's Not Easy Being Green

First published on Home Educating Family. Republished with permission by the team, and the author (that's me).




Women have something in them that fools them into thinking they are Super Woman. Well, for me it’s Wonder Woman (I even had the Underoos to prove it. And the aluminum foil bracelets. And the crown). So, when I get sick, I live in total denial for several days.“I’m fine,” I croak, crankily. I gargle garlic juice and take hot showers. I drink huge amounts of tea and put my hair up so it doesn’t stick to the back of my clammy neck. I google my symptoms and realize I’m dying of a flesh eating disease. Eventually, the sore throat begins to get worse. Where a scratchiness was a moment ago, a full on forest fire the likes of which California has never seen, is breaking out now. My voice begins to go, which small totally children take advantage of.“What’d you say, Mommy?” I hear as they run off to wreak havoc and take over the free world, “We didn’t hear you! Did you say DO put the baby on a leash and DO dress up the neighbor’s cat? OKAY!”My insides turn to sandbags. Is it my kidneys and liver and spleen shutting down, or am I just exhausted? Do I even need my spleen? What’s with the sudden bouts of narcolepsy? Then the coughing begins, and I sound like a bull frog with a smoking problem. I hack up my spleen and learn having it on the inside of me was optional after all. Like my tonsils, wisdom teeth, and appendix. Which all seem to be dripping out my nasal cavity. Still, I do not admit to being sick! By golly, I may be a little under the weather. But I can beat this. For crying out loud, I fly an invisible plane and karate chop Nazis for a living, I think I can beat a wee little head cold and still teach phonics! Pshaw!Speaking of air planes and Nazis, I start to see strange things. Am I hallucinating due to a fever, or are there really purple life size Gummy bears in my office? Do I embrace them or eat them? Why is it so hot in here?Still, I do not admit to any illness. On the sly, I may be sipping Nyquil like it’s a juice box, but that’s a total coincidence. I.Am.Not.Sick!As if to punish me for ignoring them, the Porcelain Throne Gods demand a sacrifice and a thorough worshipping at their alter. Knees knocking together, I answer their call. They are angry with me and I have to prove my loyalty to them by sticking around for oh, about three days. I haven’t combed my hair or put on make-up in a week. I keep my bangs slicked back with homemade, organic hair gel (boogers and spit). My nose looks like I was stung by a mass of killer hornets with pink Kool-Aid in their stingers. I’ve gone through so many rolls of toilet paper for blowing my sore snozz that I’ve had to ration the remainder in the kid’s bathroom: three squares for #1, five for #2. We can’t have company over because they might have to use the bathroom. Also, since I have The Plague (or is it The Black Lung?) they wouldn’t want to come in anyway. Now comes the point where I admit I might be sick. After a full week of hearing people in my life tell me to go to the doctor, I am finally at that space. That space where I can admit I need help. Help of the narcotic variety, that is. A little Codeine? Don’t mind if I do. A Tylenol cocktail? Why, yes, please. Bubble gum flavored antibiotics? Come to mama.Of course, deciding to see a doctor and actually seeing a doctor are too entirely different scenarios. In the scenario in my mind, I call, they answer, I go in, they are glad to see me, I get medicine, they say goodbye, I come home. What really happens:I call.They don’t answer.I have some lovely flute music to occupy myself while I am on hold for thirteen years.Christmas comes and goes. My baby graduates from college.Eventually, they come back on the line and what do you know? I’m still sick.They can squeeze me in in three days.Three days?I’ll be dead in three days, I say.Okay, come in now, they agree.I go in.They are busy. Small children sneeze on me, and one licks me.I read Redbooks from 1989. Crickets chirp. Tumbleweeds tumble by. I’ve heard every song Michael Bolton ever sang on the soft rock station. Twice.They call me back. I explain my symptoms. Well, not really. My voice is gone at this point, so I charade my symptoms.Flailing wildy, I make gestures and do a little improv interpretive dancing.You don’t feel well? The doctor asks, as I back flip over the table and mime Scarlet Fever. I land to a 9.5 from the Romanian judge.I nod, in relief.Would you like something for that? The doctor asks.I embrace him fondly and get snot on his coat. He writes me prescriptions. I mime a marriage proposal but he declines.The thought of driving to the pharmacy to pick them up makes me cry, but I am strong! I am Wonder Woman! I am invincible! Before I brave the horrors of the pharmacy, I need a nap. And some tea. Maybe a sandwich. Afterwards, I feel a little better. I skip the prescriptions, toss what’s left of the Nyquil, undress the neighbor’s cat, and comb my hair. I hear my husband sniffle gently.Horror crosses his face. “I’m so totally sick! No one’s ever been so sick! I’m calling in sick! Honey, I’m sick, would you make me some soup while I go immediately to the doctor? I’m sick!”Ah, my hero. My manly man. He of the bulging biceps and raging testosterone. My G.I. Joe. “Don’t get too close,” he gasps, as I rub his chest with Vapor Rub. “I wouldn’t want you to catch this…don’t want you getting sick…I can take it though…is my soup ready? My soup, cuz I’m sick? Man, I’m so sick,” snarf. Blurp. Snoffle. “I’m so glad you didn’t catch this, honey. Aren’t you glad you didn’t get sick?”“Don’t worry,” says I. “I never get sick.”