Barbara Venkataraman's Blog: A Trip on the Mobius Strip, page 27

Thanks, Donna, at "The Girl Who Reads" :-)

Check out my guest blog post at www.Girl-Who-Reads.com, "Your Online Source for Book Reviews and Author News". Thanks for the hospitality, Donna, love your blog!

MRS. GRAMMAR PERSON IS MELANCHOLY

Fear not, Gentle Writer, Mrs. Grammar Person will not fill your head with verbs today for she is filled with melancholy. Having heard dreadful news of a dear friend's illness, Mrs. G.P. feels despondent. Not even a pot of tea and a visit from her favorite cat, Mr. Malaprop, has served to lift her from the doldrums. And so she turns to you, her admirers and, dare we say, friends, in her hour of need because chatting with you always makes her smile.

Why, yes, Mrs. G.P. would be glad to explain the origin of her cat's name--and she thanks you for the distraction. A malapropism is a funny thing, indeed, and is defined as a misused word or a verbal slip. An example is, "he put out the flames with a fire distinguisher". Mrs. G.P. recalls an amusing malapropism from a young child who, after seeing a commercial about lactose intolerance, declared that he, too, was "black toast intolerant". Another interesting word ending in -ism is solipsism, which means egotistical self-absorption. Mrs. Grammar Person shudders to think that this term would ever be used to describe her.

To lighten the mood and banish dark thoughts, our favorite grammarian would like to tell you about spoonerisms, words in which some of the parts are switched, either through error or wordplay, with humorous results. Named after the Reverend William Archibald Spooner, who was famous for these gaffes, an example of a spoonerism can be found in this question he once posed, "Is it kisstomary to cuss the bride?" Unlike other men of the cloth who focused on proselytism (converting others to your religion or way of thinking), this good reverend could not be taken seriously.

On the subject of being taken seriously, a true grammarian would do well to avoid anachronisms in his writing. From the Greek root word, khrono, an anachronism is something or someone that is out of chronological order. Thus, were you to write about Colonial times, you would not include a reference to television--unless, of course, your story involved time travel.

Another serious topic is plagiarism. When Mrs. G.P. was a girl, her mother warned her to never lie for she would always be caught. The same can be said about plagiarism. But do not despair, your beloved grammarian is sympathetic and understands that with so many ideas whirling about your brain, it is difficult to distinguish which are original and which are borrowed. Enter the internet, a 'place' where any phrase may be tested for originality. By using this safeguard, you may rest assured that your witticisms, symbolism, epigrammatism, and lyricism will always be your own creation and that you will never be accused of charlatanism. To express that in simpler terms, don't be a Luddite.

With a sense of absurdism, Mrs. G.P. reports that there are 887 words that end with -ism, including the word ism. But, unlike Don Quixote, your beloved grammarian will not fall prey to quixotism (being caught up in the romance of noble deeds and the pursuit of unreachable goals), and attempt to discuss all 887. That would be a terrible example of didacticism on her part! Instead, Mrs. Grammar Person will dispense with her defeatism and pessimism, at least for today, and focus on the spiritualism and humanism of her followers and friends, and thank them for their altruism in lifting her spirits. Until the next time, your favorite grammarian sends you gratitude and affection.

MRS. GRAMMAR PERSON HELPS OUT

Fear not, Gentle Writer, Mrs. Grammar Person has heard your pleas and is happy to be of assistance--just as soon as she finishes her cup of tea. Ah, much better! Of course, Mrs. G.P. would not be able to hear your plaintive cry nor assist you in any way were it not for the existence of verbs, yes, those versatile words that allow us to take action. Without them, we couldn't budge at all.

Helping out is something Mrs. G.P. adores, which is why she holds a special place in her heart for the helping verbs. Helping verbs can stand on their own, certainly, but they are also kind enough to help out the other verbs. Below is a list of the helping verbs and, should you choose to memorize these verbs as Mrs. G.P. has done, you will never forget them. Even if you cannot for the life of you remember something extremely important, you will always remember the helping verbs. You may wish to take heed of this friendly advice from your favorite grammarian. Now that you have been warned, here is a complete list of the helping verbs:

am, is, are, was, were, be, being, been, have, has, had, do, does, did, can, could, shall, should, will, would, may, might, must.

Whew! Mrs. Grammar Person loves to recite this list as fast as she can; it is one of her daily grammar exercises. An example of a helping verb can be found in the short sentence: "I am going." How silly of Mrs. G.P. not to notice another example of a helping verb in the previous phrase "can be found"! She can't wait to tell that story at the annual Grammar convention.

Now that you have mastered the helping verbs (and Mrs. G.P. has refilled her teapot), it is time to discuss the trickier verbs, the ones that defy logic, the ones that follow their own rules. Yes, as unpleasant as it may be, we must examine the irregular verbs. To ease you into this topic, our beloved grammarian starts with the easy ones. These verbs are irregular in that they stay the same, no matter what happens. In an ever-changing world, you can always count on these verbs to hold their course. Thus, if Mrs. G.P. were to let you down (which she hopes will never happen), then let remains the same whether she let you down today, she let you down yesterday, or she has let you down in the past (past participle). These verbs are your constant friends and include the words: bet, bid, cost, hit, hurt, let, cut, broadcast, put, and shut. Another verb in this category is the word read, which keeps the same spelling, but changes pronunciation from present to past tense.

The next group of verbs is only a little tricky in that they change form from present to past, but remain the same for past participle. An example is: "Mrs. G.P. holds your friendship dear; she held it dear yesterday, as she has held it dear always.

The verbs that follow this rule are:

beat/beat/beaten; bring/brought/brought; build/built/built; burn/burned/burned; buy/bought/bought; catch/caught/caught; dream/dreamed/dreamed; feel/felt/felt; fight/fought/fought; find/found/found; get/got/got; hang/hung/hung; hear/heard/heard; hold/held/held; keep/kept/kept; lay/laid/laid; lead/led/led; learn/learned/learned; leave/left/left; lend/lent/lent; lose/lost/lost; make/made/made; mean/meant/meant; pay/paid/paid; say/said/said; sell/sold/sold; send/sent/sent; sit/sat/sat; show/showed/showed; sleep/slept/slept; spend/spent/spent; stand/stood/stood; teach/taught/taught; think/thought/thought; tell/told/told; understand/understood/understood; wear/worn/worn; and win/won/won.

Finally, Mrs. G.P. hopes that you have remained true in your devotion to grammar and are prepared to tackle the most irregular of irregular verbs. As she cannot explain their oddness away, Mrs. Grammar Person will simply list them for your future reference:

Awake/awoke/awoken (This verb causes a lot of confusion, indeed!)

Be/was/been ("To be or not to be" was the question that had been on Hamlet's mind)

Become/became/become (That's a strange one)

Begin/began/begun (I begin to see why you began the war you should never have begun)

Bite/bit/bitten (I bite the boy who bit me first and now we have bitten each other)

Blow/blew/blown (The wind blows as much as it blew yesterday, but not as much as it has blown in the past)

Break/broke/broken (I break a different toe than I broke yesterday, but the same one I have broken before)

And here are the rest of them for your edification and enlightenment:

chose/chose/chosen, come/came/come,

do/did/done, draw/drew/drawn, drive/drove/drive, drink/drank/drunk

eat/ate/eaten

fall/fell/fallen, fly/flew/flown, forget/forgot/forgotten, forgive/forgave/forgiven, freeze/froze/frozen

give/gave/given, go/went/gone, grow/grew/grown

hide/hid/hidden

know/knew/known

lie/lay/lain

ride/rode/ridden, ring/rang/rung, rise/rose/risen, run/ran/run

see/saw/seen, sing/sang/sung, speak/spoke/spoken, swim/swam/swum

take/took/taken, tear/tore/torn, throw/threw/thrown

wake/woke/woken (just like awake/awoke/awoken), write/wrote/written.

As much as she lives for the rules of grammar, Mrs. G.P. must admit that she is a tad weary after her foray into the land of irregular verbs. She wishes to take a nap and, being a creature of habit, will lie down in the same place she lay yesterday and has lain whenever she feels the need for respite--the Queen Anne sofa in her drawing room. After all of your hard work, Gentle Writer, you should rest as well. Mrs. G.P. bids you a fond farewell until the next time you meet.

MRS. GRAMMAR PERSON WISHES YOU GOOD CHEER

Fear not, Gentle Writer, Mrs. Grammar Person would not abandon you to your own devices simply because the holidays are upon us. To the contrary, it is at this time of year that Mrs. G.P. frets the most about her devoted fans. During this, the gift-giving season, you must remember that, try as you might, you will never find the most unique gift for that special someone. Unique means one-of-a-kind; therefore, one gift cannot be more or less unique than any other. But, whichever gift you choose, Mrs. G.P. is sure that you will delight the recipient!

In addition to gifts, the holidays provide us with bountiful treats. Everybody loves these treats and nobody can pass them up. Mrs. G. P. finds it curious that the word everybody is followed by a singular verb despite that it refers to many people. Nevertheless, she diligently follows all of the rules of grammar, even the silly ones. Likewise, it is correct to say: all of them enjoyed their cookies, but each boy enjoyed his cookie. Our favorite grammarian is proud of her ability to home in on these grammatical mishaps, but she cannot hone in on them, since that makes no sense at all.

To clarify, Mrs. Grammar Person would not imply that you make such egregious errors and prays that you have not inferred as much from her writings. She is confident that you would never confuse the meanings of imply and infer. Mrs. G.P. knows that you follow her musings out of a mutual love for perfect grammar and that you lend her your attention willingly. Of course, you couldn't loan her your attention because loan is a noun and lend is a verb. But you already knew that. Like Mrs. Grammar Person, you are an expert grammarian who advises others of the logic (and sometimes illogic) of proper English. Whether they choose to take your advice is up to them. Isn't it a marvel how one letter can change the meaning of a word? An airplane hangar transforms into a simple clothes hanger, an apple peel becomes the peal of a bell, and the act of being stationary in one place becomes stationery for letter-writing. Mrs. G.P. cannot discuss the difference between naval and navel because it always gives her a fit of the giggles to compare the Navy to a belly button.

Once the holidays are over, we strengthen our resolve to eat properly and exercise after the over-indulgence we have all succumbed to. Mrs. G.P reminds us that we should also endeavor to strengthen our writing and eliminate the passive tense whenever possible. Thus, instead of saying, "The cookies were eaten by the boys" you should say, "The boys ate the cookies." Whose cookies are we discussing? The boys' cookies, of course. The apostrophe indicates the possessive (the cookies belong to the boys) and the apostrophe follows the 's' because the cookies belong to all of the them. Were Mrs. G.P. to speak of a single boy and his cookies, she would write, "the boy's cookies".

This leads Mrs. Grammar Person to answer a final question that she has been asked recently, to wit, "what gift would she like to receive?" Feeling humbled, our beloved grammarian hesitates, deep in thought. Finally, she responds that she would like a "grammar-repair kit", a toolbox filled with apostrophes, hyphens and an endless supply of white-out so that she may fix the mistakes she encounters daily. But the gift she wants most of all, she adds with a smile, is the gift of your continued friendship throughout next year and beyond. A happy holiday to all of you, my dear grammarians!

MRS. GRAMMAR PERSON AND THE GENTLEMAN CALLER

Fear not, Gentle Writer, Mrs. Grammar Person would not abandon you in your hour of need--not when you face potential pitfalls at every turn: an avalanche of apostrophes, a mountain of misplaced modifiers, and a desert of dangling participles. The horror! In truth, Mrs. G. P. gets it, but fervently hopes that "get" is a word you choose to forget. Excellent writing, (the only kind that merits discussion) has no place for such a silly word, a word tossed about hither and yon, a word which is the first and last resort of a lazy lay-about. When Mrs. G.P. reads that it's time to "get going", or for people to "get to know each other", she feels quite faint. Once she has recovered (with the help of a strong pot of tea and some lovely biscuits), she firmly replaces the offending word with a proper verb.

While our favorite grammarian is deciding which topic to embark upon next (there are so many, after all), she hears a knock at the door. Delighted by the thought of an unexpected guest, Mrs. G.P. perks up and answers the door. An older gentleman looking very dapper in a morning coat and top hat greets Mrs. G.P. with a shy smile.

"Please pardon the intrusion, dear lady, but having read your blog posts, I feel that you are a kindred spirit and wish to make your acquaintance."

Although accustomed to the admiration of her devotees, Mrs. G.P. is nonetheless humbled and flattered by the attention.

"Do, tell," she replies, giving him an arch look before inviting him into her office. "Clearly, only an Englishman, such as yourself, could appreciate the beauty of our shared language."

With a flourish, the gentleman tips his hat to Mrs. Grammar Person before removing it. "I hope you don't think it impolite that I've come to take a peek at you, but your writing has piqued my interest. In fact, I am at the peak of my curiosity."

Mrs. G.P. claps her hands with amusement. "Bravo! Well done! How clever of you. That someone so discreet can comprehend such discrete possibilities; it's wonderful."

Beaming at her, the guest nods in agreement. "And how fascinating that both words derive from the same Latin word, discretus, which means separated. Don't you agree?"

Of course Mrs. Grammar Person agrees--how could she not, when she carefully analyzes the origin of each word she encounters? For example, continuously means continuing uninterrupted while continually means continuing over a long period of time with interruption. So interesting!

"May I beg your indulgence?" asks the esteemed gentleman, lightly kissing the hand of the startled Mrs. G.P. "Although I fear I might've gone too far already…"

Our favorite grammarian quickly recovers her composure and makes a confession to her befuddled guest. "One prays to hear high praise, yet it preys upon one's mind to desire it too much."

The gentleman chuckles. "At the risk of exaggerating to the point of hyperbole, I must say, Mrs. Grammar Person, you are the jewel in the crown. I feel I have overstayed my welcome and will take my leave now. I hope to visit you again soon. I would consider it the highest honor." He tips his hat and turns to go.

Mrs. G.P. sees him to the door. "But I never asked you your name, sir, how terribly rude of me."

The gentleman replies, cheerfully, "My name is Mr. Syntax, and it was a pleasure to make your acquaintance."

With a knowing smile, Mrs. GP nods. "I sense that we will become fast friends, indeed!"

Mrs. Grammar Person Returns

Fear not, Gentle Writer, Mrs. Grammar Person, heeding your cry for help, has returned, delighted to be of service once again. Like you, Mrs. G.P revels in the knowledge that, while fashions may come and go (both the tasteful and the tacky), exceptional grammar never goes out of style. It is her fervent hope that her words of wisdom serve to complement your knowledge so that you receive nothing but compliments on your writing.

Mrs. G.P. marvels at the difference a single letter can make! She knows that the effect of her words deeply affect you. Especially once you come to realize that effect is a noun and affect is a verb.

She brings you these tidbits so that you may take them with you, safely ensconced in your heart, along with your affection for your favorite grammarian. Coyly, Mrs. Grammar Person reminds you that you bring things toward you, but take things away from you.

Mrs. G. P. wants you to know that you can always count on her. And speaking of counting, here is a handy rule: when using "fewer" or "less" in a sentence, if you can count it, use the word "fewer", if you cannot, use the word "less". Another excellent rule to live by is this one: Less is more. Nobody likes to hear anything twice, so it's best to avoid being repetitious, redundant, reiterative, and duplicative in your writing, dear ones. As Shakespeare taught us, brevity is the soul of wit!

When Mrs. Grammar Person hears of the mistakes her writers frequently make, she feels an attack of the vapors coming on and must immediately lie down. She lays her head on the pillow and waits for her devotees to understand the difference between lie and lay. Lay must always have an object. Thus, you lay the book on the counter, but lie down. One way to remember this is to tell yourself that people lie, but Mrs. G. P. disagrees, believing that most people are honest and good.

Mrs. Grammar Person has enjoyed chatting with you today and hopes that you follow her advice, not out of admiration for her, but because of its own intrinsic worth. Mrs. G. P. will sleep well tonight knowing that you understand "it's" is a contraction of it and is, while "its"is the possessive form and requires no apostrophe. Ever.

Mrs. Grammar Person fondly bids you adieu, Gentle Writers, comforted by the thought that your paths will cross again.

Mrs. Grammar Person

Fear not, Gentle Writer, for help has arrived. Rest assured that your grimaces and groans, your grinding of teeth have not gone unnoticed. And because Mrs. Grammar Person abhors the grinding of perfectly good teeth, she has agreed to impart her timely wisdom to those afflicted with self-doubt.

In a stage whisper, Mrs. Grammar Person explains that although she is your true friend, spell-check is not. Spell-check is fickle and delights in trickery. He will make you believe that it's morning when, in fact, you're in mourning, or that you should waver when you are seeking a waiver. He doesn't care if your simple please turns into multiple pleas, and he will most likely desert you if you ask for dessert.

Mrs. G.P. wishes to remind you for whom the bell tolls (if you must ask, it tolls for thee). When in doubt as to whether to use who or whom, simply substitute the word him. If him will do nicely, then the word you want is whom. Mrs. G.P. shudders to think that you would even consider writing "For he the bell tolls." She keeps her smelling salts handy, just in case.

Being an agreeable person, herself, Mrs. G.P. insists that all her nouns and verbs also agree; therefore, a swarm of bees searches for honey, but the two straggler bees search on their own. How sweet the sound of proper grammar!

While Mrs. G.P. has nothing but admiration for writers who seek perfection, she cautions that nobody is perfect (except for her, of course). To that end, she cautions you about using the pronoun "I" when the word you seek is "me". To write that "the teacher allows Joe and I to go to the playground" is tantamount to writing, "the teacher allows "I" to go to the playground." Whenever she sees this transgression, Mrs. G.P. slams the offending book shut, never to be opened again.

Now, it is time to bid farewell to Mrs. Grammar Person, but, before she takes her leave, she asks you to remember that: it is always darkest before the dawn, when the going gets tough, the tough get going, you should keep your chin up and, if you don't stop using clichés, Mrs. Grammar Person will march back here and rap your knuckles with a ruler!

Once she is satisfied that you have learned your lesson, Mrs. G.P. gently pats you on the head and heads off to the library, casually tossing out her final words of wisdom, words that shake your very foundation: "Remember, my dears, you can end a sentence with a preposition and you can split an infinitive!"

My Imaginary Friends

As far as life experiences go, mine are not that exciting. I've never climbed Mount Everest or learned to scuba dive; I've never hiked the Appalachian Trail or stared down a tiger. I've never had my heart broken or made an enemy (that I know of); I've never been in a fistfight or a screaming match; I can't even hold a grudge (I've tried, but I'm so easily distracted...)

Um, where was I? Oh, yeah, leading an ordinary, unexciting life. So, what makes me think that I have something to write about? How can I possibly write a novel about someone else's adventures when I've had so few of my own? This is where an imagination would come in handy--and I wish I knew where to buy one. The truth is that we writers spend a lot of time working alone, trying to fend off our inner critics; is it any wonder we’re plagued with self-doubt? But, we all share the same fear: Can I pull this off? Can I speak in the voice of a ten year old child, or a nuclear scientist, or an alien from another dimension, and not be laughed out of town?

Being a writer takes a leap of faith and the support of your inner circle. It takes a thick skin to withstand the barbs of the impossible-to-please crowd. And, more than anything, it takes a love of the craft, the joy you find in your characters who are very real to you. When Charles Dickens was writing "The Old Curiosity Shop," a friend stopped by to find him sobbing at his desk with an inkpot smashed against the wall. The friend hurried over to ask what was wrong. Brokenhearted, Dickens replied, "Little Nell died!" I admit it, I cried for Little Nell, too.

It is the flawed and broken characters in literature, like Anna Karenina, or Madame Bovary, or the obsessive Captain Ahab, and the doomed Othello, who help us define our world-view. Their struggles become our struggles and we love them because of their flaws, not despite them.

Which brings me to my characters. Writing the Jamie Quinn mystery series has been challenging, but fun, because I truly love my characters: the reluctant attorney, Jamie Quinn, who keeps finding herself in the middle of murder investigations; her best friend, Grace, who is both smart and funny; her eco-hero boyfriend; Kip, and the drunk but well-meaning P.I., Duke Broussard. Although my characters insist on talking to me at the most inconvenient times (usually in the middle of the night), and not always coherently, I have no trouble forgiving them. And on those days when I am struggling with self-doubt, I just think about Jane Austen and Emily Dickinson, two women who rarely traveled, had no adventures, no mortal enemies, and only a small circle of friends, yet they found plenty to write about. Then I smile and get back to work.

(reprinted from my guest post on www.thereadingfrenzy.BlogSpot.com)

Guest post on "The Editing Pen"!

Check out my guest post on this great blog, "The Editing Pen"! Thanks, Annie!

http://www.editingpen.net/audiobooks-...

Me, Myself & Jamie Quinn

It’s not that I’m jealous, how could I be? That would be petty and immature of me, I’m sure you'd agree, especially when you consider how close she and I have become. We think so much alike now that we’re practically the same person! I must confess, though, it does irk me that Jamie has so many admirers and well-wishers. Everyone’s always clamoring to know: What is Jamie going to do next? How is Jamie feeling? Where has Jamie been? I know that I’m boring by comparison (Lord knows, I’m not the one having adventures!), but still, I’m standing right here, and I’m doing fine, if anyone is interested. I know they’re not, and I’m okay with that. The truth is I also want to know what Jamie’s been up to. She can be so secretive, especially when she knows that I’m desperate to know what she’s planning. And, when she finally decides to talk to me, it will surely be at the most inconvenient time, like while I’m grocery shopping, or at three o’clock in the morning. She doesn’t realize that I hang on her every word, that I rush to write it all down, sometimes texting it back to myself as I wait in line to pick up a burrito for dinner.

Well, I have secrets, too. For example, Jamie has no idea that I have a little crush on her boyfriend, Kip–even though he’s twenty years younger than I am–and I’d like to keep that between us, if you don’t mind.

I think what bothers me the most is how quickly everyone flocked to her. After all, Jamie’s only been around for a couple of years and I’ve lived here all my life. And even though we’re both family law attorneys and mediators, I’m quite certain that I’m the better lawyer. But no one cares about that. They just want to know if Jamie will ever get to see her dad, or if Kip will come back from Australia, or if Jamie and Grace’s friendship can survive the crisis coming up in Book 4, “Engaged in Danger”. All I can say is–you’ll have to ask Jamie Quinn, yourself, because she hasn’t told me a thing. I have a funny feeling I’ll be seeing her soon, though, probably around three in the morning. Maybe I should put a pot of coffee on, just in case. Don’t worry; I know exactly how she takes it–with lots of milk and three sugars, same as me. Like I said, we’re practically the same person.


This blog post originally appeared on the wonderful blog, www.latteda.com. Stop by there for a great cup of coffee or tea!