David Mark Brown's Blog, page 7

Kobo Store Changes: What the #$&*!

Posted in eBook revolutionUncategorized

[image error]For the many of you who may not have noticed, Kobo books (an entity I have much praised in the past) has made some bizarre changes to their online book store that have me stumped (and hopeful that they are merely hallucinations). No one else online seems to be talking about the chances, so I thought I should. I sent the below letter to feedback@kobo.com and now post it here. I’ll let you know if I hear anything in response!
To Whom it May Concern,

I’m curious as to the recent changes from kobobooks.com to the store.kobobooks.com.

As a reader, the new site has lost considerable usefulness in helping me find and decide upon books to read.
As an author and self-publisher, I’m baffled by several changes that seem to be taking Kobo Books in full reverse. I’m hoping these changes are some sort of temporary stop-gap (or a sick joke). Several things have me stumped:


The disappearance of reviews. I realize Amazon purchased Goodreads. I’m hoping this has not forced Goodreads reviews to be removed. This was one advantage Kobo had over Amazon as many people consider GR reviews more reputable than Amazon ones.
The disappearance of star ratings. Even if the Goodreads reviews had to be dropped, why the star ratings?
The disappearance of most of the curated reading lists. The Indie Next list is still around (even though I’ve never been able to figure out what it means, or what the definition of indie is supposed to be for this list), but the rest of them are gone. Reason?
Lastly, the Free list is gone! And so recently after some positive changes to help more free books to be discoverable on Kobo. Seriously? Now the only way to find free books is to do a search and sort by price? Even if I can find one, there are no reviews, star ratings or even rankings (since free books are put at the bottom) for me to use in deciding whether to read the book or not.


I’m still struggling to establish myself firmly as one of the new generation ebook mid-list authors able to make a living entirely from writing novels. But I’m getting there.
From December through May my Kobo sales nearly tripled my Amazon sales every month. This was due to two things:
1.) My free Title Fistful of Reefer (one of ten books/shorts in a series) found its way onto the free list. Over those six months I received over 200 star ratings directly from kobo readers (in addition to ones I had from Goodreads already). Since Writing Life has never been able to track free sales, I have no idea how many copies of the novel were downloaded, but it is safe to assume many more than the number of star ratings.

2.) Another short in this same series, Reefer Ranger, climbed into the top 20 of the Men’s Adventure category list.

These two things instantly boosted the sales of the entire series. Eventually the Men’s Adventure category got purged and my books were tossed out of it. That caused a dip in sales, but readers were clearly still buying the other titles (in order to finish the series) and some were still finding me through my free novel.

Then the free list disappeared. Sales fell off a cliff. I had a handful during the last week or so in June and have had only five in July. My free book is almost impossible to find now. I tried throwing a new free title on the Kobo Book Hub. Of course I can’t tell if anyone downloaded any copies at all. But so far it hasn’t splashed over to the other titles at all.

Just when I was starting to think I could make a real presence on Kobo, the cause has become near hopeless. It’s worse than Barnes and Noble now! I can’t understand the reason for these changes. Currently, when a reader lands on one of my product pages (which I’ve no idea how they would even find me unless I direct them there) all they have to help them decide whether to purchase the book is my professional cover art and product description. Star ratings are gone. Reviews are gone. And as a small fry, I’m never going to be at the top of the rankings, especially if most of the smaller categories are removed from the Writing Life dashboard (which keeps happening).



Bottom line

These changes are forcing me to spend the majority of my efforts on the kindle store. Before these changes I had been a big promoter of Kobo to other indie authors, using my positive numbers as evidence that things might be changing for the better. But if Kobo Books is serious about courting folk like me (which supposedly Kobo is, and Writing Life was supposed to be proof), for the love of competing with Amazon! Please undo the damage as soon as possible and give the small indie author a reason to believe they can get noticed in your store.

But, if you are only interested in courting major, well-established authors and big named books, then by all means continue. I and my ilk will continue to play ball at the only game in town–Amazon.

I would love to hear any and all responses.

Sell Your Book in Ten Words or Less

Posted in Uncategorized

[image error]The era of the synopsis is over. If you think it is hard to boil your masterpiece down into 250 words, sit down. I’ve got some bad news. Unless you are one of the few remaining old guard still submitting works to traditional publishers, no one cares to see your 1-2 page synopsis.

The critical marketing weapon in the modern indie’s arsenal is the product description. And while some product descriptions ramble worse than my blog posts, it’s my firm opinion that 250 words is pushing the limit. While virtual shelf space on sites like Amazon’s Kindle Store is limitless, readers’ attention spans are much more finite than their options.

And let’s not forget the almighty SEO and much needed keywords that will make your metadata pop and crackle like your witty narrative. The same rules apply to your product description as to your product. Trim the fat and what you have left will pop off the page (for both humans and algorithm-driven killbots).

The All-Purpose Product Description

After going through the process over a dozen times, I’ve found a process that works for me and includes promotional copy I can cut and paste for my every marketing need. I call it my promo pack, and it includes the following:

Tagline: Ten words or less
Pitch/Blurb: Thirty words or less (I try to land around twenty-five.)
Product Description (short): fifty words or less
Product Description (long): around 150 words
Quotes: two or three quotes from beta readers

Once I have finalized this promo pack I know I will have great promotional material ready to cut and paste for any given need that may arise. And I won’t have to worry about selling myself short with rushed or second rate blurbs. But, in order to get the promo pack up to snuff by the time I need it, I’ve learned I have to start working on it around the time I finish the second draft of my story.

How to Boil it Down

In the early going, my promo pack (PP) is a tool to ensure I’ve adequately defined the premise of my story. If my protagonists singular goal/motivation isn’t clear enough or relatable enough, I’ll struggle with formulating a sharp PP. This tells me I need to go back and work more on the story. If the PP starts to quickly come into focus, I work on it for a few hours and then let it sit while I go back for a couple more rewrites.

This process will help me emphasize key plot points within the story as I edit. Plus, after all that editing, I’ll have an even better idea of what critical plot points will best sell the reader. Before I send the manuscript to beta readers, I rework the PP again. This time I hope to land on a few grenades (volatile bits of genius I know I will keep for the end product).

Based on early reader feedback, I spend one more afternoon polishing up the PP to ensure it hits the right chords. Now I can also include beta reader quotes to give it a final zing.

The Nitty Gritty: Taglines

Now let’s put it into practice. Since I’m currently working on finishing up a promo pack for my young adult, dystopian serial The Green Ones, I’ll use that in these examples.

Taglines are the hardest for me. Ten frickin words. For real. Often I don’t land on one I like until late in the process, but you’ve gotta start somewhere. For The Green Ones, I started with a slogan of the main protagonist. Stay Alive. Stay together. Stay Family. It sucked, but I let it be while I struggled with the rest.

As I fiddled with a couple different pitches, I landed on a short sentence. It wasn’t until nearly a month later that I realized the sentence would make a much better tagline than the one I was using.

By sixteen, everyone must choose.

It isn’t as good as In space, no one can hear you scream. (Alien) But it’s pretty damn good for a couple reasons: 1.) It indicates the book is young adult and dystopian. 2.) it begs the reader to start asking questions already. Why must everyone choose? What must everyone choose? To top it all off, this choice really is central to the story.

When testing my taglines for quality and punch I refer to the media of film. Movies have been relying on taglines much longer than books, and they do a pretty damn fine job (in general). If you can’t envision using your tagline on a movie poster or on a t-shirt, then it needs improvement.

The Nitty Gritty: Pitches

Now we’ve got 25-30 words to work with. The pitch/blurb is more for those moments when someone asks you, “What’s the book about?” This one is still hard. There isn’t really room for plot, but there is room for a bit of setting. I haven’t nailed this one down yet for The Green Ones, but here’s what I’m working with:

For the telekinetic youth of New Teotihuacan’s Worker City there are two choices: an enslaved life or a free death. By sixteen, everyone must choose.

Things I like: It’s exactly 25 words. It references telekinetic youth, the Aztec underpinnings, and the dystopian setting. It also mentions a life or death choice. I hope it pricks readers’ curiosity about the story world.

Things I don’t like: I’m not convinced it will prick readers’ curiosity. There are no power words. The only verbs are, “are” and “choose.”

So, what is the story about? It’s about telekinetic teenagers in a dystopian alternate universe who are faced with a tough decision to either live life as slaves or to accept an early death brought on by the deadly retrovirus that enables their telekinesis. In this sense, my current pitch gets the job done. But maybe I’ll come up with a better one before it’s all said and done.

The Nitty Gritty: Product Descriptions

Here is where you can begin to explore the main plot (resist the urge to include subplots, please!). This is where I will often begin the process, because it gives me the most space to experiment and make notes. Keep in mind two critical things at the single word level: metadata keywords and power words.

Metadata keywords: This includes stuff like: page-turner, thriller, beach-read, paranormal, heroine etc. What keywords will readers use to try to find your book? What niche audiences do you want to make sure you reach?

I haven’t started this process for The Green Ones yet, but I know I want to include words like: telekinesis, paranormal, dystopian, heroine, adventure, page-turner, and Hunger Games. One great way to ensure these keywords are included in your product description is to make sure they show up in your quotes. Don’t be afraid to approach/coach your beta readers. Sometimes I simply ask someone if they are comfortable with me adding some stuff into their quote. If they feel it represents their thoughts about the book, everyone’s happy.

Power words: These are exactly what they sound like. Words such as, destroy, punish, cherish, compelling, secret, unleashed, wanton, etc. The more of these is typically the better (as long as they aren’t simply tacked on). In a fifty word description I like to use at least 3-5 of them.

Here is what I have for The Green Ones so far:

On an earth rampant with telekinesis, Calli Bluehair lives within one isolated city-state among many. New Teotihuacan’s protective dome preserves not only its strict social classes, but also a terrible secret.

After her parents are disintegrated in a telekinetic storm unleashed accidentally by her own brother, Calli’s only hope of saving her and her brother’s lives is to join New Teo’s infamous teenage fighting force known as masazin. But to some, Masa Academy is an option worse than death.

Determined not to suffer a violent and purposeless death amongst the self-indulgent chadzitzin of New Teo’s underground, Calli finds herself the leader of a ragtag band. Each with separate motives and allegiances, the only thing the teens share in common is their soon-to-be-status as Masa Academy’s newest recruits into its most powerful dormitory–the green serpent.

Things I like: at 140 words it’s concise. It starts with the protagonist and the setting without letting go of the “terrible secret.” Assuming I open up my product page on Amazon with the tagline, this description should fall in line nicely. It is dystopian. It introduces the tension between the main character and her brother (who accidentally killed their parents). While the description comes largely from Calli’s perspective, it still includes the fact that Masa Academy may not be all it’s cracked up to be. It ends by creating an expectation that the book is not only about Calli, but about a “band” of teens who will eventually become known as “the green ones.” It includes power words such as: rampant, terrible, secret, disintegrated, storm, unleashed, infamous, force, violent and powerful.

Things I don’t like: The structure of the second sentence could be misleading. “The dome” is not preserving a “terrible secret.” (The regime running the dome is.) A couple of the sentences are too long. I haven’t worked in hardly any of my metadata keywords.

I might have to include a paragraph that starts something like, “Brown’s page-turning, dystopian adventure revolves around a heroine who picks up where The Hunger Game’s Katniss leaves off.” This type of thing can also be accomplished via quotes. Here are a couple for The Green Ones:

Fans of The Hunger Games have just found their newest obsession.

Stunningly atmospheric and emotional at the same time. It’s like reading in 3D.

Putting it All Together

Hopefully, by this point, all you will need is a quality story, good editing and a professional cover. But hey, that’s the easy part. With the help of your new promo pack, you’ll be able to catch the eye of book bloggers, potential readers, and possibly key individuals within the industry! The Industry!

Here’s to hoping.

If I left anything out, or you have suggestions for improving my promo pack for The Green Ones, let me know!

Get Free Autographed Ebook This Weekend

Posted in eBook revolution

[image error]To inaugurate my teaming up with a brand new (and rather spiffy) service called Autography, I’m offering a FREE autographed EBOOK of any one of my first six novels! But act fast, the deal stands only for this Friday and Saturday, June 28 and 29.

Just click here and follow the simple steps. When the time comes to download, you will be able to choose between file formats for Kindle, Nook, iPad/iPhone, Kobo, Droid, etc. So no worries about compatibility. (And the book will be DRM free for easy use anywhere.)

I’ll post more about Autography once I get a better hang of the service. So far, it makes me prance around like Homer Simpson in the Land of Chocolate.

This could be your last chance to stake a claim to a small piece of history before the initials DMB become synonymous with David Mark Brown (rather than Dave Matthew Band or perhaps Digital Multimedia Broadcasting).

Get your autographed ebook now!!!

Why I Liked Oblivion Better Than Star Trek

Posted in Sustainable Storytelling

[image error]The past couple of months have been good for sci-fi movie goers. I actually managed to get away for Iron Man III (sort of sci-fi), Star Trek into Darkness and Oblivion. Here is why I like Oblivion better than the other two.

It felt like a science fiction movie. It was a science fiction movie. I like science fiction movies.

I suppose I should elaborate. Oblivion put considerable time and energy into the atmosphere and the ethos and the cinema-graphic beauty of the film. I’m not placing it on a level with Blade Runner, but that’s the sort of thing I’m talking about.

I’m not familiar with the comics or graphic novels Oblivion is based off of, but now I’m curious to check them out. I did notice the same guy was able to do both the source material and the movie (quite an accomplishment). And I can’t help but wonder if that is part of the reason the movie seems to breathe in its own waters so perfectly.

I thought Iron Man III was enjoyable, but it felt like a merchandizing effort. During the final scene I kept thinking I should be stroking a Mattel product of some sort.

Into Darkness I found really enjoyable. I love Star Trek in general, and this film definitely felt like Star Trek. But that was its limitation as well. The movie was more of a Star Trek love fest than an actual science fiction film. The outcomes were limited and the universe (sort of) defined. I did enjoy the punch drunk pacing of the final third of the movie. (The sort of thing that never really lets the viewer regain their balance or composure.)

But Oblivion had endless horizons to fly into for me, and it did so. The tech was spot on. The settings/scenery were brilliant. (The floating pool above the clouds? How awesome was that?) No matter how messed up or dystopian, an important aspect of science fiction (for me) is the longing to experience worlds beyond my own.

Tom Cruise’s character accomplished that for me. I wanted to experience what he longed to experience. I dreamed of going where he went. The threats were real, but the payoff worth it. Oblivion was a feast for my imagination both visually and intellectually. It is the sort of science fiction movie that has become quite rare, and I’m grateful for every one that comes along.

Why My Eighth Book is Different

Posted in DMB FilesEvolution of an IndieSustainable Storytelling

[image error]Yup. Eight. It’s been three years since I started writing full-time. During the first year I worked exclusively on my first book, Fistful of Reefer. The next year I hammered out The Austin Job, Twitch and Die! and a compilation of Lost DMB File shorts.

Over the last twelve months, I’ve written De Novo Syndrome, Desert Gods, The Green Ones: Season One, and now I’m polishing up First Relic. And you know what? I’m starting to learn the ropes as a professional writer.

The reason I’m most confident of this fact? My eighth book has been nothing but pure product. The kind of product you dip your pinky finger into and dab on your tongue. You smear it across the front of your teeth, turn to your peers and say, “It’s pure. Break it down, boys.”

In Plain English

My eighth book has been my first non-emotional creation. Not that the process of writing it was completely dispassionate, but I was able to complete the first draft with a professional disassociation. I drew it forth and crafted it with a professional eye from a safe distance. Rather than writing by gut, I wrote according to informed and experienced inspiration.

[image error]While I suspect the vast majority of readers would never discern the behind-the-scenes differences via the final product, as the creator, I know I’ve entered a whole new world. I feel like I’ve left my pull-ups in the drawer and boldly embraced the world of briefs.

Sure, I might have a few accidents. My sparkling new Hulk Underoos may not remain unadulterated for long. In moments of giddy, childlike glee I’ll lose control and let my muse run away with me. I might even embrace a few short bouts of non-commercial nudity (and just run around the backyard buck-naked writing whatever the hell I feel like.) But ultimately, there’s no going back to diapers now.

Pure, Reader-Centric Products

My eighth book, First Relic, is indeed a new first. With it, I’ve proved to myself I can craft quality stories completely independent of my moods. I’m a professional writer, one step closer to creating pure reader-centric products unburdened by my own insecurities. And I like the feeling.

$0.99 Sale on De Novo Syndrome!

Posted in Uncategorized

[image error]Start reading the DMB Files for only $0.99.

For the next few days, May 1st-3rd, DE NOVO SYNDROME will be available for $0.99. This three day sale is in celebration of the release of Desert Gods, the second novel of the DMB Files. So why $0.99 instead of free? Well, for a handful of reasons, free promotional events are losing their effectiveness. They no longer drive books up the rankings in ebook stores like Amazon, etc. And in most cases, the readers who are uploading free books tend to read only free books. In other words, they would prefer to wait around until the next book in the series is offered for free, rather than going out to buy it. $0.99 is the new free!!!

So, on that note…

DE NOVO SYNDROME will be on sale for $0.99 May 1st-3rd!!!

Available at Amazon, Barnes and Noble and Kobo Books. If you insist on paying the full $2.99, just wait until May 4th! The sale is for ebooks only, but De Novo is available in paperback as well, from Amazon.

BookBub is one of the key sites that will be advertising this promotional. If you are constantly looking for books on sale for cheap or free within your favorite genres, I recommend signing up. They will send you a daily email with the books that fall within your perimeters. I have found the site to be a quality, professional service.

Finally, you can always spread the word about De Novo Syndrome to anyone else you think would be a fan. (just share this post!) Keep your fingers crossed that this promo will be the perfect boost for the expanding series. Above all, enjoy the show!

Desert Gods continues the Buckner saga

Posted in DMB Files

The much awaited continuation of the DMB Files has arrived! (Hey, me and at least 4 other people have been really awaiting it.) DESERT GODS (not to be confused with DESSERT GODS. That’s a whole different book entirely.) picks up where De Novo Syndrome leaves off and throws Buckner and Evie into a final showdown with Oleg and his minions of twitchers.

But, before they get to the desert they pick up my new favorite character, Dr. Petrosian. The crank of all cranks, this guy makes Buckner look downright cheery. Plus, he is keeping all kinds of secrets from when he used to be Buckner’s father’s partner and best friend.

Anywho, this book reveals all sorts of gems on Buckner’s past as well as some revelations about the nature of the twitch retrovirus. On top of that, I drop a bit of a bomb that will reinterpret the way Buckner sees his entire world. Ooolala. You sci-fi and twisty thriller fans won’t want to miss it. Expect the unexpected!

Now, as for calls to action from my legions of faithfuls (I love all four of you!):

1.) Go buy it! DESERT GODS is available from Amazon and Kobo Books and B&N.

2.) If you have read the book, please post a review on Amazon and Goodreads.

3.) If you haven’t read De Novo Syndrome yet, you will want to read it first. But, before you run out to buy De Novo…

DE NOVO SYNDROME will be on sale for $0.99 May 1st-3rd!!!

Available at Amazon, Barnes and Noble and Kobo Books. If you still need to pick up a copy of De Novo, I recommend taking advantage of the sale. If you insist on paying the full $2.99, just pick it up now, or wait until May 4th! The sale is for ebooks only, but De Novo is available in paperback as well, from Amazon.

Finally, you can always spread the word to anyone else you think would be a fan. Above all, enjoy the show!

[image error]

Pubit! Finally Replaced by Nook Press

Posted in Uncategorized

[image error]Barnes and Noble has finally replaced their modest (I’m being kind) self-publishing platform with an all new and better titled one. Thus Nook Press enters the world about one year too late.

Congratulations, B&N. You have finally produced a practical and functional pubbing platform. Don’t pop the cork. I still like Kobo’s Writing Life and Amazon’s KDP better. But at least you’re in the same ballpark…finally.

I attempted to update a price on one of my titles today using Nook Press, and it actually seemed to work. That’s an improvement from the last couple of times I tried and failed with Pubit! (And now the name of your platform doesn’t sound like a frog vocalization!)

The ability to download an epub is a bonus for sure. And the improved sales tracking brings Nook Press in line with Author Central (I’ve never liked that Author Central and KDP are separate) and Writing Life.

I have to admit I’m still disappointed with the royalties from Nook Press. After falling in love with Kobo’s decision to  extend the lower limit of their 70% royalty rate to the $1.99 price point, I had hoped that others (like B&N) would follow suit. It appears they won’t. When selling shorts or serial episodes, the $1.99 price is just right. The extra royalties are even better.

Meanwhile, Nook Press is still offering 65% for everything $2.99 and above. Excuse me while I refuse to kiss the sky.

The email I received from B&N stated that Nook Press will be an editor, and collaborative platform. I didn’t see any evidence while checking it out today. I didn’t look too long, and honestly I don’t much care. Unless I could convince my editors and BETA readers to use the platform, the feature wouldn’t do me any good. The email also stated they have implemented an instant chat for customer service. I didn’t try it out. But if it works, that would be impressive.

Bottom line.

Unless B&N can figure out how to sell more ebooks to more customers, I’m not interested. I can’t help thinking Nook Press is too little too late. Bummer.

The Hunger Games Go “Green”

Posted in Uncategorized

In a manner of speaking. Even more exciting, the DMB Files universe is expanding into young adult dystopian literature (similar to The Hunger Games) with my latest project, The Green Ones. For those of you who are new to the DMB Files, or have lost track (I’m shifty, I’ll admit), The Green Ones marks the third separate series of stories colluding within the same fictional universe (alongside the DMB Files and the Lost DMB Files).

While the Lost DMB Files sport a pulpy/punk flavor and range between 1912 and 1930, the DMB Files take on a sci-fi/fantasy thriller edge and push into the near future. Soon these two series will be joined by a dystopian crossover serial. The Green Ones will run concurrently with the DMB Files, but…with a twist. (Sorry, I’d hate to spoil the surprise for you. But if you’ve read De Novo Syndrome and Desert Gods, you know where this is going.) Here is a bit more as far as product description for The Green Ones:

An Earth rampant with telekinesis results in isolated city-states forced to live beneath protective domes. Among the Americas, New Teotihuacan has arisen as the most powerful thanks to its strict social classes and teenage fighting force known as masazin.

A resident of New Teo’s worker city, Calli Bluehair, loses her parents in a telekinetic storm caused by her little brother, Olin. Two years later, the siblings have five days to make final preparations for their last chance at a better life–Masa Academy and it’s famous graduates, the masazin.

Those who survive the academy are rewarded with immortality. But only loyal citizens, ages 14-15, are allowed to register. If Calli can’t conceal their sordid past, she and Olin will live out their last years as twitch infected chadzitzin condemned to the violent and self-indulgent underground of worker city. Unfortunately, the little they know of their past is only the tip of the iceberg.

So why am I telling you this now?

Well, if you are the type who likes to get in on the ground level, I’m currently looking for a few more quality BETA readers willing to exchange early access to the stories for constructive critism on how to tighten them up before final publication. If you are a fan of such fiction as The Hunger Games, Divergent or Ender’s Game, these serial stories should be right up your alley.

Those interested would receive the stories in whatever file format they wish (for free). In exchange I ask for your HONEST opinion on how to make them better. The stories should be pretty close to their final version (minus a thorough copy edit). I am not looking for editing! Again, these stories will be published as serials. That means each story will be told in 40 page to 80 page episodes, as well as being further grouped into Seasons of several episodes. The Green Ones represents season one and currently consists of one episode out of an approximate five.

Interested? Comment on this post, and I’ll be in touch!

Expectations, Resolutions and Cowboys Circa 2013

Posted in Sustainable Living

[image error]This year, make a change that matters. To illustrated the importance of doing so, here is a moral tale based on the National Football League franchise, the Dallas Cowboys. (Don’t worry, NFL fandom is not required to learn this lesson.)

Once upon a time, there was an evil NFL franchise owner and CEO, Jones Jerry. Jones Jerry was neither faery nor orc. He was pure-D avarice from his wazoo to his cork. Stab him with a knife or blend him with a spoon, as owner, operator and general manager, he’d fork you in the end.

He lined his wooly pockets by milking talent and sparking drama. He drove his players to the point of slapping their own mama while he danced and jigged high up in his skybox.

“A pox!” his subjects did cry. “It’s rigged! We supply you with money in exchange for more than Romos and Wittens and Bryants. We want a championship, or we’ll switch our allegiance to the football Giants!” (Now with more iridium!)

At first Jones Jerry did fret to the point of regret for purchasing his multi-million dollar bionical-hip (and stadium). “Don’t be a dope,” he smirked a wicked smirk. “Those hicks, I’ll lend them hope.” A mad hatter with geriatric bladder, he passed haughty gas from his executive potty. “I’ll fire the coach, that torpid roach.”

A year passes. “No playoffs!” The minions pump their fists, “it’s all been in vain!”

“Never fear my sucklings, I’ll draft a big name.”

Another season. “Ugly ducklings don’t always make swans! We need fame,” the ilk bellowed “in exchange for our magnificent brawn!”

“I’m just getting started,” Jones Jerry belted then he farted. “We need a new scheme, I think on defense first.”

Someone sneezed, the crowd reluctant to listen.

Jones Jerry rent his polyester in a display of emotion, “Brought to you by none other than Monte Kissen!”

“Oh, well that guy!” tears trailed down cheeks as nudists did streaks and the media did glisten, “He’s a genius at only 72 years young. I’ll buy! I’ll buy!”

“Heh, heh, heh,” Jones Jerry wrung his arthritic old hands with ben-glee, mumbling to himself “Excellent, because I’m still selling without a single victory.” He flung down his shirt, his pants, and sprung into the air, as nude as the day Beelzebub bore him in sulfur flatulence from his derrière. “No championship! No ring! No classy outfits for the cheerleaders! No Tom Landry I sing!”

Jones Jerry reared and jeered from his high-ass until a single somber sanitation engineer took notice from far beneath the skybox dais.

“I’ll take and I’ll take year after year, until sanity like vanity is neither thither nor there!”

The janitor slumped in a chair, his head in his hands. “It’s not fair. We’re doomed.” But then from the mist of his mind, the only way out of the gloom, the truth. The truth did loom. He wrested it within a single daring, glaring dare. Wrested it from nothing less than mid-air. “This, I bear, is the truth, the truth laid bare.”

The humble dirt servant rose as he spoke. “I will not sit, nor will I sulk. Engorged by truth, I’m no less than the Hulk! This team will not change as long as Jones Jerry is around. He’s gone clinical, even the least cynical can see. I am bound, as a true fan, there is only one thing for me.”

Then the lowly Cowboy butler brushed off his saddle. Not for a second did he prepare to straddle. He placed it on the ground with the tenderest of care, laid down and propped his head without pomp or flare.

“How’s this for a fan? I’ll just do a lazy-ass job, you crazy old sod.”

And that, my friends, is the 10-year plan.

And so, my New Year’s resolution for 2013 is to not expect much from institutions run by nutters, like Congress and the Cowboys. You see, I’m vowing to change the one thing that matters most. Me. The rest are symptoms. It is the only vow worth vowing. And year after year, I’ll just keep vowing it, until I get there.