Rachelle D. Alspaugh's Blog, page 34
May 28, 2017
Be careful what you pray for
I've struggled to know how to share this post or even if I should. But it's part of our continued walk of faith in this adoption journey, so I feel like God wants me to involve you, my readers and my prayer warriors, as well. Bear with me. This might end up being a long post.
As I said in an earlier entry, this year has been quite the emotional rollercoaster for me. It's been a crazy, scattered year at school, plus I've dealt with Juan's approaching graduation and post-secondary plans, and add to that the the mixed emotion of finding Laura and having her back in our lives.
We'd always planned on me taking a trip back to Colombia with Juan after his graduation, but then we thought about going to Argentina to see Julian, yet in the back of our hearts and minds, we hoped to go to Spain to see Laura again.
Then the youth pastor pulls Juan aside and says, "Hey, I'm taking a small group of kids to Guatemala this summer, and I want you to join us."
Before we knew it, both of us were signed up to go to Guatemala, still unsure of whether we would also go to Colombia, Argentina, or Spain, and definitely unsure of how we could pay for two of us to go to Guatemala and still find the funds to head to South America or Europe.
We just took that huge step of faith and said YES, we'll go.
Shortly after we agreed to Guatemala, we started skyping with Laura, and she and her mom said we could come to stay with them anytime we wanted to visit. Our dream had finally come true with a wide open door to finally reunite with his sister in Spain. We looked at dates, funds, and ticket prices, and we realized the most economical and time-efficient way to do it would be to combine both trips into one, leaving from Guatemala and heading straight to Spain. So we worked with the church to get us one way tickets to Guatemala, which dropped our expenses down by a thousand dollars between the two of us. I surprisingly found enough in our savings to purchase two tickets to Spain with still enough to cover our deposits for Guatemala.
"Okay, God. Here goes." A few days later, we sat down outside with Juan David to show him a picture of his graduation present: a ticket to Spain to see his sister again. The look on his face was priceless. He'd gotten worried that it just wasn't going to happen.
The very same day I purchased those tickets, our Guatemala balances both dropped in half. Meaning enough money showed up on our accounts via donation to cover one of us entirely. I also saw a very random message on Facebook from a highschool/college friend (yes, from 20 years ago) asking if she had any friends whose kids were going on a mission trip this summer. I told her my boys both were going on separate mission trips, and she not only sent financial support for both of them, but for me, as well! Yes, God made it clear that both Guatemala and Spain were part of His plan for our summer.
I sent a message a few days later to Julian and told him Juan David and I had official plans to see Laura. I told him my dream would be to see him join us and that I was going to start praying for God to make that happen. In fact, I'd already begun praying specifically for that and had already rallied a group of prayer warriors to pray, as well. At first, he laughed off my dream, but a few weeks later, he told me he'd been thinking a lot about it and really wanted to go. He hadn't taken a single day of vacation since moving to Argentina two years earlier, and he sure would love to spend a vacation surrounded by family.
"I'm still praying, Julian."
In a very short amount of time, both of our Guatemala balances had been covered completely. Unbelievable! I'd set aside enough money to cover what we needed to have paid by the end of April, and I wondered if perhaps that money was God's way of helping us get a ticket for Julian. A ticket from Buenos Aire to Madrid was double the price of our tickets, so I seriously struggled with spending that kind of money. But Mike convinced me of two things: 1. It was God's money, not our money. 2. It just won't be the same experience to reunite with Laura and not have Julian there, too. I would always regret not doing everything I could to get him there. So, I kept praying about it and wrestling with God over it.
A few days later, Julian sent me a message saying, "There's just no way. I have to consider my expenses here, and I can't save that kind of money in just two months in order to buy a ticket."
"Julian, I'm not saying I can, but if I could find the money for a ticket for you and possibly for your food, too, what dates can you get off work?"
After communicating back and forth all week, he found out he had enough vacation time to join us in Spain for the entire ten days. I started searching online for tickets and kept relaying all the different options I found. "Okay, this one will get you there a few hours before us. That one will get you there an hour after us. Then there's a cheaper one, but it will take you almost two days to get there and will leave you stranded in Dubai for 13 hours."
"Whatever one you think is best."
I sent a quick message to Laura and her mom to let them know I was working hard with Julian to arrange to get him there, too, if possible. Her mom was excited to hear that (she's never met Julian), but she told me he'd need to arrive the same day as us because they had to make plans to travel to Madrid to get us (they don't live in Madrid). That at least narrowed the options, which actually helped ease my anxiety over choosing the wrong flight.
So here's the scenario that played out. I'd been praying specifically for God to make a way for Julian to get to Spain if that was His will. A few other people asked specifically about him, saying they were praying the same thing. Then I started to see the details come together: The money we now didn't have to pay for our Guatemala trip would cover the cost of a ticket for Julian. Julian wanted to go and had the vacation days available. Laura's mom was excited and didn't have any objections to a third guest. Julian told me that Colombians can travel to Spain on a passport only without a need for a visa. Mike completely supported and encouraged me to buy the ticket, saying it was God's money, not ours.
"Okay, God. It looks like you are answering our prayers and that you've provided a way for Julian to join us."
It was Thursday, April 13th. Good Friday followed the next day, also Julian's 24th birthday. If we'd already decided to buy him the ticket, why not for his birthday? I sat at my computer for several hours while conversing with Julian on my phone, trying to choose the right flight. So many options. Several flights went through South America, some through Dubai, some through Canada, and some through Miami. Some got in a day too early, which would force him to find a hotel, while others got in the following day after our flight, creating a huge inconvenience to Laura and her mom. Juan and I were flying with American Airlines, so it made the most sense to buy a ticket with the same airline, passing through the same airport in Miami as us (though a few hours earlier, getting him to Madrid first).
"But I don't have a visa for the United States." Julian seemed a bit concerned.
"You don't need one. They won't let you leave the airport. It's just a connecting flight." I spoke so confidently, not knowing just how ignorant such a statement could be.
"Oh, Okay then. That one sounds good."
After staring at the computer screen for several hours, my head pounded so hard that it felt like a migraine coming on.
"Julian, I've got a horrible headache. I'm going to go to bed. I will make a decision tomorrow in the morning."
I woke up the next morning feeling much better. I had off for the day for Good Friday. I woke up thinking about the ticket, but I knew I needed to pray about it again. Fear quickly crept in.
"God, that's a whole lot of money. Are you sure this is how he's supposed to get there? You know I still don't know how we're going to pay for the remaining part of Juan's tuition next year. Is it wise to be spending that kind of money?"
Then Mike's comment replayed in my head. "I'ts God's money, not ours." God also reminded me that I bought Juan's ticket, and Julian didn't have any family to do something likewise for him. He'd lived all alone without any family around for two solid years. This trip would not only let him spend time with me (his spiritual mom), his brother, and his long-lost sister, but it would open up a second family to him by giving his sister's mom the opportunity to know him and love him, too. Who knew what doors this might open up for him in the future? How could I hold onto that money and deprive him of that?
I read a blog post that morning that I'd written and had published that day on another blog, asking what God was asking the reader to die to/bury in the ground so God could resurrect something else in its place. (Remember, it was Good Friday.) I sensed God saying I needed to die to my control of that money so He could resurrect a beautiful story from it.
I still panicked, so I sent a text to an accountability partner and told her all the details had come together to buy Julian's ticket, but the actual purchase really freaked me out. I asked her for prayer, and she texted back saying, "Praying now!"
So I sat down at my computer, pulled up the various options of flights again, begged God for guidance again, and settled on the flight with American Airlines, connecting in Miami. Using the same airline for all three tickets made perfect sense, as did the idea of keeping us on a very similar flight path.
The refundable tickets were way out of my price range, so I bought a nonrefundable ticket with travel insurance that stated it covered trip cancellation due to unforseen circumstances. I figured anything could go wrong, so the insurance was a good idea. Apparently those unforseen circumstances are already laid out as to what is an acceptable reason to cancel a flight, but I didn't take the time to read any of it. Instead I sent Julian a picture of his itinerary and said, "Happy birthday. May this be one of the best years of your life. See you in 3 months."
A few hours later, he saw the message and said, "I am dying of happiness!!!!"
A day or so later, Julian sent me a message. "I was researching, and I found out that I do need a visa for that flight. It's called a transit visa." I knew he had a round trip ticket, so I figured that's all he'd need to show. So he pulled up the application for a transit visa, and the questions got tricky. Did he have any family living in the United States? Well, yes, and no. Biological family? Yes. Legal family? No. Did he know anyone in the US? How? Well, how does he say no to having family in the US and then say I am his biological brother's mom? Has anyone ever applied for immigration on your behalf? Well, yes, when we tried to bring him here with his brother's adoption. This application was not going well. We knew he had a lot of counts against him as an orphan. The US is very adamant that you can demonstrate strong ties and a well-established life that you are going to return to. Evidently, by the looks of this application, even for a simple transit visa.
"Wait. Hold off for a bit. Let me make some more phonecalls to see what our other options are."
I called the airline and asked about the transit visa, and the lady asked several people before telling me that it was not required. Whew. I told Julian it looked like he might not need it after all. "I will call again in a few days to talk to someone else to see if they tell me the same thing." Unfortunately, every phone attendant I talked to after that told me the opposite. "Yes, maam. He needs that transit visa. No, maam. Without it, he can not transit through the United States."
Okay, well, I still had the travel insurance for unforseen circumstances. This definitely came out of nowhere, shocking us all. So, I called to explain the situation.
"Well, that's not a reason we can cover."
"But you advertise covering trip cancellation for unforseen circumstances. This is a very unforseen circumstance."
"If you read the page on our website, maam, it tells you all of the situations we can cover." Ugh. No, I hadn't read the fine print when I purchased the insurance. No, I didn't do my research. Just like I hadn't done my homework to find out about transit visas, either. I'd never heard of such a thing just for a connecting flight, so I don't know that I would have even known to do any researching. I sat there at my computer and just sobbed for a good half hour at least. I contacted Julian and said I couldn't stop crying and I didn't know what to do.
"Just let me apply for the visa. We have to try."
With the application being completely in English, and our work schedules being completely opposite, it took us both another week of communicating back and forth to get it all filled out correctly and submitted. Thankfully, once submitted, he got an appointment for his interview very quickly. At least we didn't have to drag this out.
The night before his appointment, we were both up super late discussing everything he needed to say, we reviewed all the documents he needed to take (letter from his employer, apartment contract, round trip ticket and itinerary, etc., etc.) We were both a nervous wreck, hoping for the best, knowing lots of people were praying, yet knowing the huge possibility that he could be denied, anyway. Lots of people get denied visas to the US, all the time. We hoped that a transit visa wouldn't be so complicated or difficult.
The morning of May 11, he left early to go get fingerprinted, and I left for work, praying. Our friends and family also prayed for him very specifically. Right before my lunch break, I got a message from him.
"It didn't go well, They didn't approve me. From what I can understand, I just don't have strong enough ties to Argentina."
I still had kids with me, so I held back the tears the best I could. My friend surprised me by buying me lunch for my birthday, but while I sat alone after dismissing my first class, waiting for my lunch break, I just cried. Today was supposed to be a good day. Now I didn't know what to do. How in the world could I have made such a stupid mistake and gotten us into this mess? I had so many flights to choose from. Yet I picked the one airline that had a connecting flight in the US. I felt like such an idiot. The rest of the day, I just felt so defeated. I made it through my afternoon class (trying to be joyful since it was my birthday), and then I sobbed the whole way home.
"Now what do I do, God? All that money, and it's just gone. And Julian's heart is broken." Mike reminded me again that it was God's money to begin with.
After a few days, Julian scanned the denial letter to me so that I could use it as a supporting document to try to submit to the travel insurance, claiming an unforseen circumstance. Before making the claim and canceling the flight, I called the airline several times to see if I had any other options at all. I could cancel the reservation and still have a credit for him to travel over the next year, but without the visa, a credit with American Airlines was useless. I tried to see if there were any connections outside the US, but no, American Airlines connecting flights are all within the US. I tried to change the ticket over to Mike's name, but they very firmly told me that is against all airline policy. You cannot change the name on a ticket or transfer it to someone else. I tried to see if I could submit the claim to the insurance without actually cancelling the flight, but no, I couldn't do that, either. The claim was useless if I didn't cancel the flight.
Not only did we lose the money for the ticket, Julian had to pay fees for his visa interview, and now Laura's mom had already bought his train ticket from Madrid. That made for a lot of loss and several broken hearts. A lot of tears, especially on my end and on Julian's end. He gave up hope that he will be able to see his sister this year.
The whole situation just made me sick, which is why I haven't shared here or even tried to write about it. I felt so defeated and embarrassed for making such an ignorant decision, and I realized later that it just left me paralyzed with fear. I kept praying to God for wisdom and guidance, and it felt like every step I took just knocked me down.
So, here we are. Flight canceled. Money gone. Claim submitted, hoping they will approve it as a truly unforseen circumstance. I should hear something on the claim this week.
I've hashed it out with God quite a bit over the last two weeks. I've prayed a lot over the last 18 days. I've cried, and cried, and cried.
Yet I've also been reminded of the time I spent in prayer right before purchasing that ticket. I sensed God saying I needed to be willing to die to my control of that extra money so that He could resurrect something in its place. I also prayed that if God wanted Julian to join us in Spain, I wanted Him to show up big and not let me get any credit for it. Maybe this whole situation is the answer to my prayer. Be careful what you pray for because God delights to answer our bold prayers.
God is a big God. He sees something that I can't see. He stopped our plan dead in its tracks. As much as I want to blame myself for jumping the gun and not waiting on God, I believe He actually led me right to that ticket. Scripture says that if we commit our way to the Lord, He will direct our path. It also says to acknowledge Him in all our ways, and He will direct our path. I did that. I asked for prayer from so many people for months in advance of getting that ticket. I then still refused to buy the ticket without praying about it again that very morning, committing the situation to Him.
Either Satan truly doesn't want Julian to be there, or God just really wants to show up big. I know many of you have been praying, so this is as updated information as I have on what has taken place as a result of your prayers. Please keep praying because Satan is working very hard to steal my joy. Planning this trip has absolutely terrified me, and this last step truly paralyzed me with fear.
In an effort to keep moving forward and cling to faith, I got out my own book, Unexpected Tears, and read it. What a great reminder of how God sees what we don't see. I realized that this current roadblock is right in line with all the other roadblocks we faced in our whole adoption journey. God showed Himself over and over as the God of the impossible. The fact that we even know and love Julian as a part of our family is proof of that. Just read the book if you don't know that whole story.
Thanks for sticking with me through this long post. And thank you for your prayers. Please keep them coming. I still believe with all my heart that all three of those siblings are meant to be reunited together. I believe that God put that dream in my heart for a reason, and I believe He's still working out a greater plan that I can even envision.
We leave for Guatemala in 41 days. We leave for Spain in 48 days. We will see Laura and meet her mom 49 days from today, almost nine years to the day since I met that precious little girl.
As I said in an earlier entry, this year has been quite the emotional rollercoaster for me. It's been a crazy, scattered year at school, plus I've dealt with Juan's approaching graduation and post-secondary plans, and add to that the the mixed emotion of finding Laura and having her back in our lives.
We'd always planned on me taking a trip back to Colombia with Juan after his graduation, but then we thought about going to Argentina to see Julian, yet in the back of our hearts and minds, we hoped to go to Spain to see Laura again.
Then the youth pastor pulls Juan aside and says, "Hey, I'm taking a small group of kids to Guatemala this summer, and I want you to join us."
Before we knew it, both of us were signed up to go to Guatemala, still unsure of whether we would also go to Colombia, Argentina, or Spain, and definitely unsure of how we could pay for two of us to go to Guatemala and still find the funds to head to South America or Europe.
We just took that huge step of faith and said YES, we'll go.
Shortly after we agreed to Guatemala, we started skyping with Laura, and she and her mom said we could come to stay with them anytime we wanted to visit. Our dream had finally come true with a wide open door to finally reunite with his sister in Spain. We looked at dates, funds, and ticket prices, and we realized the most economical and time-efficient way to do it would be to combine both trips into one, leaving from Guatemala and heading straight to Spain. So we worked with the church to get us one way tickets to Guatemala, which dropped our expenses down by a thousand dollars between the two of us. I surprisingly found enough in our savings to purchase two tickets to Spain with still enough to cover our deposits for Guatemala.
"Okay, God. Here goes." A few days later, we sat down outside with Juan David to show him a picture of his graduation present: a ticket to Spain to see his sister again. The look on his face was priceless. He'd gotten worried that it just wasn't going to happen.
The very same day I purchased those tickets, our Guatemala balances both dropped in half. Meaning enough money showed up on our accounts via donation to cover one of us entirely. I also saw a very random message on Facebook from a highschool/college friend (yes, from 20 years ago) asking if she had any friends whose kids were going on a mission trip this summer. I told her my boys both were going on separate mission trips, and she not only sent financial support for both of them, but for me, as well! Yes, God made it clear that both Guatemala and Spain were part of His plan for our summer.
I sent a message a few days later to Julian and told him Juan David and I had official plans to see Laura. I told him my dream would be to see him join us and that I was going to start praying for God to make that happen. In fact, I'd already begun praying specifically for that and had already rallied a group of prayer warriors to pray, as well. At first, he laughed off my dream, but a few weeks later, he told me he'd been thinking a lot about it and really wanted to go. He hadn't taken a single day of vacation since moving to Argentina two years earlier, and he sure would love to spend a vacation surrounded by family.
"I'm still praying, Julian."
In a very short amount of time, both of our Guatemala balances had been covered completely. Unbelievable! I'd set aside enough money to cover what we needed to have paid by the end of April, and I wondered if perhaps that money was God's way of helping us get a ticket for Julian. A ticket from Buenos Aire to Madrid was double the price of our tickets, so I seriously struggled with spending that kind of money. But Mike convinced me of two things: 1. It was God's money, not our money. 2. It just won't be the same experience to reunite with Laura and not have Julian there, too. I would always regret not doing everything I could to get him there. So, I kept praying about it and wrestling with God over it.
A few days later, Julian sent me a message saying, "There's just no way. I have to consider my expenses here, and I can't save that kind of money in just two months in order to buy a ticket."
"Julian, I'm not saying I can, but if I could find the money for a ticket for you and possibly for your food, too, what dates can you get off work?"
After communicating back and forth all week, he found out he had enough vacation time to join us in Spain for the entire ten days. I started searching online for tickets and kept relaying all the different options I found. "Okay, this one will get you there a few hours before us. That one will get you there an hour after us. Then there's a cheaper one, but it will take you almost two days to get there and will leave you stranded in Dubai for 13 hours."
"Whatever one you think is best."
I sent a quick message to Laura and her mom to let them know I was working hard with Julian to arrange to get him there, too, if possible. Her mom was excited to hear that (she's never met Julian), but she told me he'd need to arrive the same day as us because they had to make plans to travel to Madrid to get us (they don't live in Madrid). That at least narrowed the options, which actually helped ease my anxiety over choosing the wrong flight.
So here's the scenario that played out. I'd been praying specifically for God to make a way for Julian to get to Spain if that was His will. A few other people asked specifically about him, saying they were praying the same thing. Then I started to see the details come together: The money we now didn't have to pay for our Guatemala trip would cover the cost of a ticket for Julian. Julian wanted to go and had the vacation days available. Laura's mom was excited and didn't have any objections to a third guest. Julian told me that Colombians can travel to Spain on a passport only without a need for a visa. Mike completely supported and encouraged me to buy the ticket, saying it was God's money, not ours.
"Okay, God. It looks like you are answering our prayers and that you've provided a way for Julian to join us."
It was Thursday, April 13th. Good Friday followed the next day, also Julian's 24th birthday. If we'd already decided to buy him the ticket, why not for his birthday? I sat at my computer for several hours while conversing with Julian on my phone, trying to choose the right flight. So many options. Several flights went through South America, some through Dubai, some through Canada, and some through Miami. Some got in a day too early, which would force him to find a hotel, while others got in the following day after our flight, creating a huge inconvenience to Laura and her mom. Juan and I were flying with American Airlines, so it made the most sense to buy a ticket with the same airline, passing through the same airport in Miami as us (though a few hours earlier, getting him to Madrid first).
"But I don't have a visa for the United States." Julian seemed a bit concerned.
"You don't need one. They won't let you leave the airport. It's just a connecting flight." I spoke so confidently, not knowing just how ignorant such a statement could be.
"Oh, Okay then. That one sounds good."
After staring at the computer screen for several hours, my head pounded so hard that it felt like a migraine coming on.
"Julian, I've got a horrible headache. I'm going to go to bed. I will make a decision tomorrow in the morning."
I woke up the next morning feeling much better. I had off for the day for Good Friday. I woke up thinking about the ticket, but I knew I needed to pray about it again. Fear quickly crept in.
"God, that's a whole lot of money. Are you sure this is how he's supposed to get there? You know I still don't know how we're going to pay for the remaining part of Juan's tuition next year. Is it wise to be spending that kind of money?"
Then Mike's comment replayed in my head. "I'ts God's money, not ours." God also reminded me that I bought Juan's ticket, and Julian didn't have any family to do something likewise for him. He'd lived all alone without any family around for two solid years. This trip would not only let him spend time with me (his spiritual mom), his brother, and his long-lost sister, but it would open up a second family to him by giving his sister's mom the opportunity to know him and love him, too. Who knew what doors this might open up for him in the future? How could I hold onto that money and deprive him of that?
I read a blog post that morning that I'd written and had published that day on another blog, asking what God was asking the reader to die to/bury in the ground so God could resurrect something else in its place. (Remember, it was Good Friday.) I sensed God saying I needed to die to my control of that money so He could resurrect a beautiful story from it.
I still panicked, so I sent a text to an accountability partner and told her all the details had come together to buy Julian's ticket, but the actual purchase really freaked me out. I asked her for prayer, and she texted back saying, "Praying now!"
So I sat down at my computer, pulled up the various options of flights again, begged God for guidance again, and settled on the flight with American Airlines, connecting in Miami. Using the same airline for all three tickets made perfect sense, as did the idea of keeping us on a very similar flight path.
The refundable tickets were way out of my price range, so I bought a nonrefundable ticket with travel insurance that stated it covered trip cancellation due to unforseen circumstances. I figured anything could go wrong, so the insurance was a good idea. Apparently those unforseen circumstances are already laid out as to what is an acceptable reason to cancel a flight, but I didn't take the time to read any of it. Instead I sent Julian a picture of his itinerary and said, "Happy birthday. May this be one of the best years of your life. See you in 3 months."
A few hours later, he saw the message and said, "I am dying of happiness!!!!"
A day or so later, Julian sent me a message. "I was researching, and I found out that I do need a visa for that flight. It's called a transit visa." I knew he had a round trip ticket, so I figured that's all he'd need to show. So he pulled up the application for a transit visa, and the questions got tricky. Did he have any family living in the United States? Well, yes, and no. Biological family? Yes. Legal family? No. Did he know anyone in the US? How? Well, how does he say no to having family in the US and then say I am his biological brother's mom? Has anyone ever applied for immigration on your behalf? Well, yes, when we tried to bring him here with his brother's adoption. This application was not going well. We knew he had a lot of counts against him as an orphan. The US is very adamant that you can demonstrate strong ties and a well-established life that you are going to return to. Evidently, by the looks of this application, even for a simple transit visa.
"Wait. Hold off for a bit. Let me make some more phonecalls to see what our other options are."
I called the airline and asked about the transit visa, and the lady asked several people before telling me that it was not required. Whew. I told Julian it looked like he might not need it after all. "I will call again in a few days to talk to someone else to see if they tell me the same thing." Unfortunately, every phone attendant I talked to after that told me the opposite. "Yes, maam. He needs that transit visa. No, maam. Without it, he can not transit through the United States."
Okay, well, I still had the travel insurance for unforseen circumstances. This definitely came out of nowhere, shocking us all. So, I called to explain the situation.
"Well, that's not a reason we can cover."
"But you advertise covering trip cancellation for unforseen circumstances. This is a very unforseen circumstance."
"If you read the page on our website, maam, it tells you all of the situations we can cover." Ugh. No, I hadn't read the fine print when I purchased the insurance. No, I didn't do my research. Just like I hadn't done my homework to find out about transit visas, either. I'd never heard of such a thing just for a connecting flight, so I don't know that I would have even known to do any researching. I sat there at my computer and just sobbed for a good half hour at least. I contacted Julian and said I couldn't stop crying and I didn't know what to do.
"Just let me apply for the visa. We have to try."
With the application being completely in English, and our work schedules being completely opposite, it took us both another week of communicating back and forth to get it all filled out correctly and submitted. Thankfully, once submitted, he got an appointment for his interview very quickly. At least we didn't have to drag this out.
The night before his appointment, we were both up super late discussing everything he needed to say, we reviewed all the documents he needed to take (letter from his employer, apartment contract, round trip ticket and itinerary, etc., etc.) We were both a nervous wreck, hoping for the best, knowing lots of people were praying, yet knowing the huge possibility that he could be denied, anyway. Lots of people get denied visas to the US, all the time. We hoped that a transit visa wouldn't be so complicated or difficult.
The morning of May 11, he left early to go get fingerprinted, and I left for work, praying. Our friends and family also prayed for him very specifically. Right before my lunch break, I got a message from him.
"It didn't go well, They didn't approve me. From what I can understand, I just don't have strong enough ties to Argentina."
I still had kids with me, so I held back the tears the best I could. My friend surprised me by buying me lunch for my birthday, but while I sat alone after dismissing my first class, waiting for my lunch break, I just cried. Today was supposed to be a good day. Now I didn't know what to do. How in the world could I have made such a stupid mistake and gotten us into this mess? I had so many flights to choose from. Yet I picked the one airline that had a connecting flight in the US. I felt like such an idiot. The rest of the day, I just felt so defeated. I made it through my afternoon class (trying to be joyful since it was my birthday), and then I sobbed the whole way home.
"Now what do I do, God? All that money, and it's just gone. And Julian's heart is broken." Mike reminded me again that it was God's money to begin with.
After a few days, Julian scanned the denial letter to me so that I could use it as a supporting document to try to submit to the travel insurance, claiming an unforseen circumstance. Before making the claim and canceling the flight, I called the airline several times to see if I had any other options at all. I could cancel the reservation and still have a credit for him to travel over the next year, but without the visa, a credit with American Airlines was useless. I tried to see if there were any connections outside the US, but no, American Airlines connecting flights are all within the US. I tried to change the ticket over to Mike's name, but they very firmly told me that is against all airline policy. You cannot change the name on a ticket or transfer it to someone else. I tried to see if I could submit the claim to the insurance without actually cancelling the flight, but no, I couldn't do that, either. The claim was useless if I didn't cancel the flight.
Not only did we lose the money for the ticket, Julian had to pay fees for his visa interview, and now Laura's mom had already bought his train ticket from Madrid. That made for a lot of loss and several broken hearts. A lot of tears, especially on my end and on Julian's end. He gave up hope that he will be able to see his sister this year.
The whole situation just made me sick, which is why I haven't shared here or even tried to write about it. I felt so defeated and embarrassed for making such an ignorant decision, and I realized later that it just left me paralyzed with fear. I kept praying to God for wisdom and guidance, and it felt like every step I took just knocked me down.
So, here we are. Flight canceled. Money gone. Claim submitted, hoping they will approve it as a truly unforseen circumstance. I should hear something on the claim this week.
I've hashed it out with God quite a bit over the last two weeks. I've prayed a lot over the last 18 days. I've cried, and cried, and cried.
Yet I've also been reminded of the time I spent in prayer right before purchasing that ticket. I sensed God saying I needed to be willing to die to my control of that extra money so that He could resurrect something in its place. I also prayed that if God wanted Julian to join us in Spain, I wanted Him to show up big and not let me get any credit for it. Maybe this whole situation is the answer to my prayer. Be careful what you pray for because God delights to answer our bold prayers.
God is a big God. He sees something that I can't see. He stopped our plan dead in its tracks. As much as I want to blame myself for jumping the gun and not waiting on God, I believe He actually led me right to that ticket. Scripture says that if we commit our way to the Lord, He will direct our path. It also says to acknowledge Him in all our ways, and He will direct our path. I did that. I asked for prayer from so many people for months in advance of getting that ticket. I then still refused to buy the ticket without praying about it again that very morning, committing the situation to Him.
Either Satan truly doesn't want Julian to be there, or God just really wants to show up big. I know many of you have been praying, so this is as updated information as I have on what has taken place as a result of your prayers. Please keep praying because Satan is working very hard to steal my joy. Planning this trip has absolutely terrified me, and this last step truly paralyzed me with fear.
In an effort to keep moving forward and cling to faith, I got out my own book, Unexpected Tears, and read it. What a great reminder of how God sees what we don't see. I realized that this current roadblock is right in line with all the other roadblocks we faced in our whole adoption journey. God showed Himself over and over as the God of the impossible. The fact that we even know and love Julian as a part of our family is proof of that. Just read the book if you don't know that whole story.
Thanks for sticking with me through this long post. And thank you for your prayers. Please keep them coming. I still believe with all my heart that all three of those siblings are meant to be reunited together. I believe that God put that dream in my heart for a reason, and I believe He's still working out a greater plan that I can even envision.
We leave for Guatemala in 41 days. We leave for Spain in 48 days. We will see Laura and meet her mom 49 days from today, almost nine years to the day since I met that precious little girl.
Senior Prom 2017
Juan loves to dance (and we are as far from a dancing family as you can get), so he has looked forward to Senior Prom all year long. When he had a job, he had big (and very particular) plans for his attire, his hair, and his mode of transportation for the big event. He quit his job in February due to several issues, and we told him to save the money he had in the bank for prom and also to buy the Varsity letter jacket he wanted. Well, after he bought the jacket and paid to fill up his tank with gas a few times, his money dwindled until he had next to nothing left in his account. It's funny how that made his priorities for prom change quite a bit. He had to make do with what he already had rather than buying a single thing. But you know what? He still had fun, and I think he learned a good lesson about money and priorities through it.
Let's just say I'm thankful there is no girl in the picture for him right now. He's got way too many emotional gaps in his life still to have the right maturity to deal with a girlfriend, and I've watched him regress in his emotional maturity the closer graduation gets (which is to be expected from a child with a background like his). Nineteen years or not, there's still a little boy trapped inside that never got to live out a normal childhood, and it's always a surprise when those childish moments surface. At times they can be incredibly frustrating and annoying, but I have to remind myself that it means he feels comfortable and attached enough to let that little boy out in my presence.
A few hours before prom, I asked if he wanted to go to a photo shoot with me. He readily agreed (to my surprise), so while David and Mike were at a soccer tournament, Juan and I went to several places and had a fun time together taking a ton of pics. It was actually a very bonding experience that I am thankful to have shared with him.
Let's just say I'm thankful there is no girl in the picture for him right now. He's got way too many emotional gaps in his life still to have the right maturity to deal with a girlfriend, and I've watched him regress in his emotional maturity the closer graduation gets (which is to be expected from a child with a background like his). Nineteen years or not, there's still a little boy trapped inside that never got to live out a normal childhood, and it's always a surprise when those childish moments surface. At times they can be incredibly frustrating and annoying, but I have to remind myself that it means he feels comfortable and attached enough to let that little boy out in my presence.
A few hours before prom, I asked if he wanted to go to a photo shoot with me. He readily agreed (to my surprise), so while David and Mike were at a soccer tournament, Juan and I went to several places and had a fun time together taking a ton of pics. It was actually a very bonding experience that I am thankful to have shared with him.
May 27, 2017
Guess who's 40????
So, I'm a bit late in posting this, but I had a birthday just a few days after my last post. Not just any birthday. This one marked that dreaded 4-0!
We had a lot going on, though, along with some hard news to swallow on that particular day (which I will save for another blog entry), so I never found a quiet enough moment to sit down and share my pics, my thoughts, or anything. This month has included a whirlwind of events and a rollercoaster of emotion that isn't about to stop anytime soon.
I started out the day reminiscing over the fact that it was also our ten year annivesary in our home. We officially closed on our first home on my 30th birthday on May 11, 2007. Now here we are ten years later, living a life we never could have fathomed just ten short years ago. We've come a very long way as a family. We've grown--in size, in number, and in spiritual maturity. We've traveled to Mexico, to Colombia three times, to California, to Pennsylvania, to New York, to Indiana, Illinois, and Missouri. Our boys have been to Oklahoma, Colorado, and California with church teams, and David has gone on mission trips with the church every single year since the fourth grade--as close as Arlington and Austin, and as far as Colorado and Los Angeles, California. We've made a lot of gains financially, and we've been through significant loss that only increased our faith in God's provision and constant presence in the midst of hardship. I dove into ministry teaching Bible studies at my church and writing two books, along with writing monthly stories/articles/blog entries for other ministries. I moved from teaching fourth grade to teaching second grade for six years and have now worked with the youngest students in the school for the last four years. I've been stretched far beyond what I ever thought I could endure, but when I look back on my thirties, I can only think of one word to describe them. Blessed.
So, knowing that I soon get to travel both to Guatemala and Spain, I told Mike that was more than enough for my birthday and that I didn't want a gift. I just wanted him to save that money so I could get my hair professionally done again (straightened) closer to my travels so I didn't have to deal with the headache of my very difficult to manage hair. He honored my request, and yesterday I took advantage of a day off from school to visit his friend's wife's salon. She's a sweet, sweet lady from El Salvador with an incredible talent for what she does. She just traveled to Spain recently to get trained in some of the newest products on the market. I had a wonderful time with her yesterday, and Mike achieved his goal in making me feel beautiful as a new 40 year old. :)
He told me to start my day off right by stopping at the Starbucks just a few doors down from the salon.
After five solid hours, here I am at the salon, ready to show off the miracle she performed with my hair. :) The rest of the pics are later after I got home. I am so thankful to know that my hair will be this straight, soft, and easy to manage for the next several (up to six) months.
On the day of my actual birthday, David let me know days in advance that he was treating me to breakfast, so we got up super early, grabbed a bite to eat at McDonalds, and then stopped at Starbucks before I took him to school.
Juan is not working and is flat broke, so I asked him if I could have his artwork that he's worked on all year in his AP art class so I could add it to my collection of artwork from his brother. I will have to take pics of some of those pieces later. He did post this sweet message on Instagram on Mother's Day, though. :) He struggles to express emotion and sentiment, so I am quite thankful for this post.
One of my little girls from my morning class at school overheard that it was my birthday, so she brought me a necklace and earrings. Then when my afternoon class came, my aide told them it was my birthday, and they all sang to me when I came outside to pick them up. One of the parents then came back after school and brought me a cake. Little by little, more gifts trickled in with the kids throughout the rest of the week.
Mike wasn't too thrilled when I walked in with a cake in my hands that night because he'd already gotten me a cake with strawberries on it (in following with my strawberry tradition every year), so we indulged in both cakes after dinner. :)
I am looking forward to see what this next decade will bring to our lives. For now, my signts are on Juan David's high school graduation this coming Friday afternoon and his celebration party here at the house two days later.
We had a lot going on, though, along with some hard news to swallow on that particular day (which I will save for another blog entry), so I never found a quiet enough moment to sit down and share my pics, my thoughts, or anything. This month has included a whirlwind of events and a rollercoaster of emotion that isn't about to stop anytime soon.
I started out the day reminiscing over the fact that it was also our ten year annivesary in our home. We officially closed on our first home on my 30th birthday on May 11, 2007. Now here we are ten years later, living a life we never could have fathomed just ten short years ago. We've come a very long way as a family. We've grown--in size, in number, and in spiritual maturity. We've traveled to Mexico, to Colombia three times, to California, to Pennsylvania, to New York, to Indiana, Illinois, and Missouri. Our boys have been to Oklahoma, Colorado, and California with church teams, and David has gone on mission trips with the church every single year since the fourth grade--as close as Arlington and Austin, and as far as Colorado and Los Angeles, California. We've made a lot of gains financially, and we've been through significant loss that only increased our faith in God's provision and constant presence in the midst of hardship. I dove into ministry teaching Bible studies at my church and writing two books, along with writing monthly stories/articles/blog entries for other ministries. I moved from teaching fourth grade to teaching second grade for six years and have now worked with the youngest students in the school for the last four years. I've been stretched far beyond what I ever thought I could endure, but when I look back on my thirties, I can only think of one word to describe them. Blessed.
So, knowing that I soon get to travel both to Guatemala and Spain, I told Mike that was more than enough for my birthday and that I didn't want a gift. I just wanted him to save that money so I could get my hair professionally done again (straightened) closer to my travels so I didn't have to deal with the headache of my very difficult to manage hair. He honored my request, and yesterday I took advantage of a day off from school to visit his friend's wife's salon. She's a sweet, sweet lady from El Salvador with an incredible talent for what she does. She just traveled to Spain recently to get trained in some of the newest products on the market. I had a wonderful time with her yesterday, and Mike achieved his goal in making me feel beautiful as a new 40 year old. :)
He told me to start my day off right by stopping at the Starbucks just a few doors down from the salon.
After five solid hours, here I am at the salon, ready to show off the miracle she performed with my hair. :) The rest of the pics are later after I got home. I am so thankful to know that my hair will be this straight, soft, and easy to manage for the next several (up to six) months.
On the day of my actual birthday, David let me know days in advance that he was treating me to breakfast, so we got up super early, grabbed a bite to eat at McDonalds, and then stopped at Starbucks before I took him to school.
Juan is not working and is flat broke, so I asked him if I could have his artwork that he's worked on all year in his AP art class so I could add it to my collection of artwork from his brother. I will have to take pics of some of those pieces later. He did post this sweet message on Instagram on Mother's Day, though. :) He struggles to express emotion and sentiment, so I am quite thankful for this post.
One of my little girls from my morning class at school overheard that it was my birthday, so she brought me a necklace and earrings. Then when my afternoon class came, my aide told them it was my birthday, and they all sang to me when I came outside to pick them up. One of the parents then came back after school and brought me a cake. Little by little, more gifts trickled in with the kids throughout the rest of the week.
Mike wasn't too thrilled when I walked in with a cake in my hands that night because he'd already gotten me a cake with strawberries on it (in following with my strawberry tradition every year), so we indulged in both cakes after dinner. :)
I am looking forward to see what this next decade will bring to our lives. For now, my signts are on Juan David's high school graduation this coming Friday afternoon and his celebration party here at the house two days later.
May 8, 2017
Naaman Forest Soccer Banquet
Thursday night we celebrated another great year for the Naaman Forest Soccer team. This year's banquet was rather bittersweet, knowing it officially brought Juan's last three years of high school soccer to a close.
About a week or so before the banquet, we got an e-mail asking for baby pictures of any seniors, or at least a few soccer pictures of them in their younger years. This is always one of those requests that make an adoptive parent nervous, and I told Juan I was sad that I didn't have any baby pictures or even younger soccer pics of him. But Juan quickly reminded me that I did indeed have a picture, and he insisted that I send the picture of him and his sister together holding a soccer ball. A picture taken of them when they came to the United States with KidSave. The picture I used to advertise our adoption plans. The picture I held close while I waited to bring them home. The picture that brought such incredible pain and heartache when the adoption failed. The picture I've held onto with longing to know more about that little girl, with hope to see her again and reuinite her with her brother some day. Seeing that picture so huge up on the screen could not have touched my heart any deeper.
Juan received the Defensive MVP award the last two years in a row when he played for the JV team, but this year he didn't get anywhere near the playing time as a varsity player, so we didn't expect for him to go home with any specific awards. His coach surprised us, though, by calling Juan up last to give him the Coach's Award, meanwhile speaking so incredibly highly of Juan's character and dedication not only to soccer and to his team, but to his Coach. He talked about Juan's determination and hard work to chase after what he wants, stating that one day he will be "the boss". After the banquet, Juan said to him, "Maybe I'll be back at Naaman someday." His coach said he'd be more than happy to see Juan come back and take his job. :)
Never underestimate the value of a coach in a boy's (or young man's) life. This man has had a very deep impact on my son, and I will always have great respect for him. We are grateful, thankful, and blessed that Juan had him in his life.
Now we look forward to things ahead. Graduation will be here before we know it. This weekend we worked on getting all the graduation announcements ready to send out next week, along with invitations to his graduation celebration here at the house. We also invited a few special people to attend the ceremony with us.
About a week or so before the banquet, we got an e-mail asking for baby pictures of any seniors, or at least a few soccer pictures of them in their younger years. This is always one of those requests that make an adoptive parent nervous, and I told Juan I was sad that I didn't have any baby pictures or even younger soccer pics of him. But Juan quickly reminded me that I did indeed have a picture, and he insisted that I send the picture of him and his sister together holding a soccer ball. A picture taken of them when they came to the United States with KidSave. The picture I used to advertise our adoption plans. The picture I held close while I waited to bring them home. The picture that brought such incredible pain and heartache when the adoption failed. The picture I've held onto with longing to know more about that little girl, with hope to see her again and reuinite her with her brother some day. Seeing that picture so huge up on the screen could not have touched my heart any deeper.
Juan received the Defensive MVP award the last two years in a row when he played for the JV team, but this year he didn't get anywhere near the playing time as a varsity player, so we didn't expect for him to go home with any specific awards. His coach surprised us, though, by calling Juan up last to give him the Coach's Award, meanwhile speaking so incredibly highly of Juan's character and dedication not only to soccer and to his team, but to his Coach. He talked about Juan's determination and hard work to chase after what he wants, stating that one day he will be "the boss". After the banquet, Juan said to him, "Maybe I'll be back at Naaman someday." His coach said he'd be more than happy to see Juan come back and take his job. :)
Never underestimate the value of a coach in a boy's (or young man's) life. This man has had a very deep impact on my son, and I will always have great respect for him. We are grateful, thankful, and blessed that Juan had him in his life.
Now we look forward to things ahead. Graduation will be here before we know it. This weekend we worked on getting all the graduation announcements ready to send out next week, along with invitations to his graduation celebration here at the house. We also invited a few special people to attend the ceremony with us.
May 7, 2017
It's official
#WeareDBU.
Ok, so it was already official when he registered for housing and also registered for orientation next month. But then we got an e-mail about "Signing Day", saying they'd send Juan a free t-shirt so he could wear it, take selfies, and post them on social media to tell everyone about his choice to attend DBU. They also invited us to come to a special come and go celebration on campus on May 1st where he could get professional pictures of him "signing" his commitment to attend DBU.
Thankfully, we're only about an hour away and we didn't have anything going on that day after school, so both boys and I decided to enjoy the rest of the afternoon together hanging out at DBU.
We're thankful for the financial aid he's receiving and the Christian Leadership Scholarship that all helped bring the overwhelming pricetag of a private school look more doable. We're still taking a leap of faith that possibly another scholarship or two will come through or that God already has a plan to help us come up with the remaining cost. We know it's where He is leading Juan, so we are following in faith.
Ok, so it was already official when he registered for housing and also registered for orientation next month. But then we got an e-mail about "Signing Day", saying they'd send Juan a free t-shirt so he could wear it, take selfies, and post them on social media to tell everyone about his choice to attend DBU. They also invited us to come to a special come and go celebration on campus on May 1st where he could get professional pictures of him "signing" his commitment to attend DBU.
Thankfully, we're only about an hour away and we didn't have anything going on that day after school, so both boys and I decided to enjoy the rest of the afternoon together hanging out at DBU.
We're thankful for the financial aid he's receiving and the Christian Leadership Scholarship that all helped bring the overwhelming pricetag of a private school look more doable. We're still taking a leap of faith that possibly another scholarship or two will come through or that God already has a plan to help us come up with the remaining cost. We know it's where He is leading Juan, so we are following in faith.
April 23, 2017
Pumped about Guatemala!
Today we had our second team meeting for our Guatemala mission trip. All I can say is that I am really pumped now. It's been a few years since I've gone on a mission trip with the church (like a little over 7 years, to be exact). And this particular one is right up my alley, teaching VBS, visiting local families, and training adults in the church IN SPANISH.
I am also excited to be serving alongside such an amazing group of high school students, all on fire for God. Today we all went around the circle briefly telling our stories of how we came to faith and how God is working in us now. I was so moved by hearing these teenagers give their testimonies to their own peers and to see how completely sold out they are for Jesus. They know they are in the world but not of it. I even got to hear my own son give his testimony on the spot, hearing about his most challenging moments in life and seeing just what life events spoke the most to him about Christ. I found it interesting to hear him talk about how losing his sister almost made him lose his faith in God's love, while getting adopted into a family of his own finally solidified how much God did indeed love him. I also loved knowing that the day after we leave Guatemala, he will see that sweet sister again.
There are two other parents serving on this trip (another mom with her daughter, and a dad with his daughter), plus our youth leader, who has been an incredible influence on Juan during his time here. I have utmost respect for him and his passion to guide our high school students to live for Christ.
Like I said before, this trip wasn't anywhere on our radar, but I sure am excited to be a part of this team. I'm also grateful for the relationships my son will be building with this amazing group of high school students and for the chance to serve alongside of him.
I am also excited to be serving alongside such an amazing group of high school students, all on fire for God. Today we all went around the circle briefly telling our stories of how we came to faith and how God is working in us now. I was so moved by hearing these teenagers give their testimonies to their own peers and to see how completely sold out they are for Jesus. They know they are in the world but not of it. I even got to hear my own son give his testimony on the spot, hearing about his most challenging moments in life and seeing just what life events spoke the most to him about Christ. I found it interesting to hear him talk about how losing his sister almost made him lose his faith in God's love, while getting adopted into a family of his own finally solidified how much God did indeed love him. I also loved knowing that the day after we leave Guatemala, he will see that sweet sister again.
There are two other parents serving on this trip (another mom with her daughter, and a dad with his daughter), plus our youth leader, who has been an incredible influence on Juan during his time here. I have utmost respect for him and his passion to guide our high school students to live for Christ.
Like I said before, this trip wasn't anywhere on our radar, but I sure am excited to be a part of this team. I'm also grateful for the relationships my son will be building with this amazing group of high school students and for the chance to serve alongside of him.
April 16, 2017
Celebrating two special people
Almost nine months after the adoption failed, Julian sent me a picture of him and Laura together. I cherished that picture more than he ever knew, and it went up on the wall in "the empty room", along with other current pictures of the three of them that surrounded a wall hanging that said FAITH. My heart remained broken that summer as I still wondered why God let us meet those kids if we would never get to bring them home. And somehow I kept hearing a simple word--FAITH.
Have FAITH, Child. I'm still writing your story.
Nearly four years later, during Juan's first year home, we used that very picture to make a special cake to celebrate his siblings' birthdays. We chose April 16th to celebrate, since Julian's birthday was the 14th and Laura's was the 18th. We kept in touch with Julian, but we had no information on Laura. We have always made it a point to celebrate her birthday, though, every single year.
Today as we celebrate their birthdays once again, we are so happy to get to celebrate with Laura back in our lives this time, to actually wish her a happy birthday and tell her we love her. And we look forward with great anticipation to arriving in Spain three months from today to finally see her again. And as if thats not enough, as of two days ago, God officially made a way for Julian to be there, too, arriving just a few hours before us. I can hardly wait to see him again and to finally see all three siblings together.
FAITH.
This is one story I can't put down.
A story of death (a failed adoption), burial (grieving a lost dream, surrendering the loss to God), and resurrection (in so many ways)! How fitting to celebrate this resurrection story today on Easter, Resurrection Sunday.
Thank you, God, for your faithfulness.
Have FAITH, Child. I'm still writing your story.
Nearly four years later, during Juan's first year home, we used that very picture to make a special cake to celebrate his siblings' birthdays. We chose April 16th to celebrate, since Julian's birthday was the 14th and Laura's was the 18th. We kept in touch with Julian, but we had no information on Laura. We have always made it a point to celebrate her birthday, though, every single year.
Today as we celebrate their birthdays once again, we are so happy to get to celebrate with Laura back in our lives this time, to actually wish her a happy birthday and tell her we love her. And we look forward with great anticipation to arriving in Spain three months from today to finally see her again. And as if thats not enough, as of two days ago, God officially made a way for Julian to be there, too, arriving just a few hours before us. I can hardly wait to see him again and to finally see all three siblings together.
FAITH.
This is one story I can't put down.
A story of death (a failed adoption), burial (grieving a lost dream, surrendering the loss to God), and resurrection (in so many ways)! How fitting to celebrate this resurrection story today on Easter, Resurrection Sunday.
Thank you, God, for your faithfulness.
April 10, 2017
18 years!
Today my husband and I celebrate eighteen years of marriage. We were thankful for the opportunity to work in a little getaway trip around all the soccer activities this weekend.
First we went to Studio Movie Grill for dinner and movie where we watched the new Beauty and the Beast movie. I was amazed at just how closely it followed the original cartoon that I used to have completely memorized at one point in my life. I'd forgotten how much I loved that movie until my best friend from high school said the new one coming out made her think of me. :)
We then spent the night in a nice hotel here in the DFW area, enjoyed a nice breakfast together, and then went to the new movie, The Case for Christ, with two friends from our Life Group. Some other friends from Life Group took the boys under their wing and fed and entertained the boys for us, so we felt so blessed.
Ten years ago on this date, I spent our eighth anniversary curled up in bed, grieving the loss of my second pregnancy. A few days later, I took a day off from school to just think and process my emotions. I went to my favorite coffee shop, sat down with a notepad and a pen, and left with this poem.
Who will carry a sibling for my son?
How deeply I've longed fora sibling for my son.My dream has always beena foreign adoption.
I see a Latin childlinking hands with a white,both speaking in Spanishand English all night.
It seemed impossibleuntil this recent year.A possibilitynow so very clear.
Anxiously awaitinga chance to save for her.My dream so tangible--how excited we were!
Yet one day all that changedwhen I found out that I was holding within mea dream we had let die.
Our hearts so quickly changed,envisioning our child--what we'd least expectedmade my thinking run wild!
I felt total peace,it all seemed so right.Things fell right into place.Our baby now in sight!
I never imaginedhow short-lived it could be.I never expectedI would lose this baby.
I couldn't believe it,would God play with my heart?Why would He tease us,and tear our dreams apart?
Now I'm left wond'ring if,while back here at square one,I'm the one to carry a sibling for my son.
I can't even describe the peace that poem brought me, knowing that God held my baby in heaven for me because another child was already waiting here on earth for me, for a mom and for a family to call their own. Only God knew the miscarriage was just the beginning of that journey of loss. Now instead of a nine-year old running around my house, my nineteen-year-old adopted child looks to me for guidance and stability, for nurturing, protection, provision, and love. He won't always admit he needs or wants those things, but he will always tell you that more than anything, he wanted a family.
First we went to Studio Movie Grill for dinner and movie where we watched the new Beauty and the Beast movie. I was amazed at just how closely it followed the original cartoon that I used to have completely memorized at one point in my life. I'd forgotten how much I loved that movie until my best friend from high school said the new one coming out made her think of me. :)
We then spent the night in a nice hotel here in the DFW area, enjoyed a nice breakfast together, and then went to the new movie, The Case for Christ, with two friends from our Life Group. Some other friends from Life Group took the boys under their wing and fed and entertained the boys for us, so we felt so blessed.
Ten years ago on this date, I spent our eighth anniversary curled up in bed, grieving the loss of my second pregnancy. A few days later, I took a day off from school to just think and process my emotions. I went to my favorite coffee shop, sat down with a notepad and a pen, and left with this poem.
Who will carry a sibling for my son?
How deeply I've longed fora sibling for my son.My dream has always beena foreign adoption.
I see a Latin childlinking hands with a white,both speaking in Spanishand English all night.
It seemed impossibleuntil this recent year.A possibilitynow so very clear.
Anxiously awaitinga chance to save for her.My dream so tangible--how excited we were!
Yet one day all that changedwhen I found out that I was holding within mea dream we had let die.
Our hearts so quickly changed,envisioning our child--what we'd least expectedmade my thinking run wild!
I felt total peace,it all seemed so right.Things fell right into place.Our baby now in sight!
I never imaginedhow short-lived it could be.I never expectedI would lose this baby.
I couldn't believe it,would God play with my heart?Why would He tease us,and tear our dreams apart?
Now I'm left wond'ring if,while back here at square one,I'm the one to carry a sibling for my son.
I can't even describe the peace that poem brought me, knowing that God held my baby in heaven for me because another child was already waiting here on earth for me, for a mom and for a family to call their own. Only God knew the miscarriage was just the beginning of that journey of loss. Now instead of a nine-year old running around my house, my nineteen-year-old adopted child looks to me for guidance and stability, for nurturing, protection, provision, and love. He won't always admit he needs or wants those things, but he will always tell you that more than anything, he wanted a family.
April 9, 2017
The Case for Christ
On the night of August 28th 2010, I wrote this on my previous blog:
Saturday, August 28, 2010
So I've been chewing on that one for the last week, which actually coincided with a message I've been thinking a lot about over the last month or so since Bill Hybels came to speak at our church. The title of his message that night, which is also the title of one of his books, was "The Power of a Whisper". Basically, he put it simply. When God whispers your name, you have to respond. You have no other choice. He told his story of how he was all set up in the business world, carrying on his father's dream for him. Yet he undeniable heard God whisper in his heart that he needed to start a church. He didn't have a background or the education needed, it would sound absolutely insane to his family and would undoubtedly break his father's heart, but he knew without a doubt that this was what God told him to do. It wasn't an easy experience, he did break his father's heart, he did lose the support of many of those around him, and he questioned the call many times, but eventually he started a church that met in a movie theater. Today, he's over a church with thousands of members. That was an extremely short version of it just because I don't remember enough of the exact details. But his whole point was, when you hear God whisper your name, you just have to obey.
Now enter Lee Strobel, an atheist. In his teenage years, he was convinced that God just did not exist--that people just made God up in order to have something to feel good about. His wife was agnostic, and they had a neighbor downstairs who was a Christian. His wife and the neighbor downstairs hit it off, became friends, attended church together, and his wife accepted Christ. She met with a group of ladies from the church and basically told them that there was no hope that her husband would ever believe in Christ, yet she was very gently told that NOBODY is beyond hope. She began praying for her husband. He at first wanted nothing to do with her faith, but the change in her made him curious, so he visited the church with her one day. It was a church that met in a movie theater, and Bill Hybels was the pastor! After visiting the church, he decided to launch an investigation (he was trained in law, so this was a very educated investigation) in an attempt to disprove Christianity. After two years of research and investigating, he came to the conclusion that it would take more faith to stay an atheist than to just believe what the evidence showed--Christ is real, and He is who He says He is. Now we have his very well known book, The Case for Christ, with all of the evidence He found, along with many other of his books. His books are changing many, many lives and helping others see the evidence of Christ.
So, the connection I made tonight was, What if Bill Hybels ignored that whisper and stayed in the business world? What if he didn't see that God-ordained passion brewing within him as his responsibility? We now know that Lee Strobel's wife would have missed out, meaning he would have missed out, and then the world and all the readers of his books today would have missed out. It's a chain reaction. What happens if we become the missing link because we didn't respond to the whisper, or we kept our passions and dreams buried out of fear or just inconvenience? We have no idea who is missing out.
So, what is God whispering to me? Two things, I believe. #1--Go to Colombia. I don't know how the details will work out, I don't know how long we will stay or if we will go back again later, I don't even know what our purpose will be. We both just know that He said Go. Our plan at the moment is June (for reasons that God has made clear). There are other "dots" that seem to obviously be part of this picture, but for some reason He has not connected them yet, so I am really learning patience in His timing, AGAIN. However, if I've learned anything, it's not to try setting plans in stone. The second thing I feel He's saying to me is I need to be writing and I need to share it. I shared a poem with my summer Bible study ladies' early in the study, and they all encouraged me to please share more, so I wrote and shared a few others with them over the summer. One of them has a daughter who I've been praying for, and tonight she told me that her daughter was so touched by my poems that she has been sharing them with her friends. I can't even begin to tell you how that touched my heart. She (the mother) said, "Rachelle, your poetry really ministers to others, you need to get it out there." That just once again reiterated the whole point--it's not just us missing out. Whatever God is telling us to do will without a doubt touch someone else's life. When we hide it or fear reaching for it or just never get around to it, we're cheating more than just ourselves.......
There's something to chew on for awhile.Today, Mike and I went to go see the movie Case for Christ. A few details changed in the movie (making it BASED on a true story rather than an actual true story), but the main events are still the same. If you haven't seen it, go! You won't regret it.Once again, it left me with the same thoughts. What is it God is asking me to do? Am I doing it? Who might be missing out if I don't, besides me?
Saturday, August 28, 2010
So I've been chewing on that one for the last week, which actually coincided with a message I've been thinking a lot about over the last month or so since Bill Hybels came to speak at our church. The title of his message that night, which is also the title of one of his books, was "The Power of a Whisper". Basically, he put it simply. When God whispers your name, you have to respond. You have no other choice. He told his story of how he was all set up in the business world, carrying on his father's dream for him. Yet he undeniable heard God whisper in his heart that he needed to start a church. He didn't have a background or the education needed, it would sound absolutely insane to his family and would undoubtedly break his father's heart, but he knew without a doubt that this was what God told him to do. It wasn't an easy experience, he did break his father's heart, he did lose the support of many of those around him, and he questioned the call many times, but eventually he started a church that met in a movie theater. Today, he's over a church with thousands of members. That was an extremely short version of it just because I don't remember enough of the exact details. But his whole point was, when you hear God whisper your name, you just have to obey.
Now enter Lee Strobel, an atheist. In his teenage years, he was convinced that God just did not exist--that people just made God up in order to have something to feel good about. His wife was agnostic, and they had a neighbor downstairs who was a Christian. His wife and the neighbor downstairs hit it off, became friends, attended church together, and his wife accepted Christ. She met with a group of ladies from the church and basically told them that there was no hope that her husband would ever believe in Christ, yet she was very gently told that NOBODY is beyond hope. She began praying for her husband. He at first wanted nothing to do with her faith, but the change in her made him curious, so he visited the church with her one day. It was a church that met in a movie theater, and Bill Hybels was the pastor! After visiting the church, he decided to launch an investigation (he was trained in law, so this was a very educated investigation) in an attempt to disprove Christianity. After two years of research and investigating, he came to the conclusion that it would take more faith to stay an atheist than to just believe what the evidence showed--Christ is real, and He is who He says He is. Now we have his very well known book, The Case for Christ, with all of the evidence He found, along with many other of his books. His books are changing many, many lives and helping others see the evidence of Christ.
So, the connection I made tonight was, What if Bill Hybels ignored that whisper and stayed in the business world? What if he didn't see that God-ordained passion brewing within him as his responsibility? We now know that Lee Strobel's wife would have missed out, meaning he would have missed out, and then the world and all the readers of his books today would have missed out. It's a chain reaction. What happens if we become the missing link because we didn't respond to the whisper, or we kept our passions and dreams buried out of fear or just inconvenience? We have no idea who is missing out.
So, what is God whispering to me? Two things, I believe. #1--Go to Colombia. I don't know how the details will work out, I don't know how long we will stay or if we will go back again later, I don't even know what our purpose will be. We both just know that He said Go. Our plan at the moment is June (for reasons that God has made clear). There are other "dots" that seem to obviously be part of this picture, but for some reason He has not connected them yet, so I am really learning patience in His timing, AGAIN. However, if I've learned anything, it's not to try setting plans in stone. The second thing I feel He's saying to me is I need to be writing and I need to share it. I shared a poem with my summer Bible study ladies' early in the study, and they all encouraged me to please share more, so I wrote and shared a few others with them over the summer. One of them has a daughter who I've been praying for, and tonight she told me that her daughter was so touched by my poems that she has been sharing them with her friends. I can't even begin to tell you how that touched my heart. She (the mother) said, "Rachelle, your poetry really ministers to others, you need to get it out there." That just once again reiterated the whole point--it's not just us missing out. Whatever God is telling us to do will without a doubt touch someone else's life. When we hide it or fear reaching for it or just never get around to it, we're cheating more than just ourselves.......
There's something to chew on for awhile.Today, Mike and I went to go see the movie Case for Christ. A few details changed in the movie (making it BASED on a true story rather than an actual true story), but the main events are still the same. If you haven't seen it, go! You won't regret it.Once again, it left me with the same thoughts. What is it God is asking me to do? Am I doing it? Who might be missing out if I don't, besides me?
April 2, 2017
To remember and reflect, to look forward
If you haven't read this blog for long, you may not know that I am very big on dates. Like remembering what happened on this day in the past, or how much time has passed since a certain event, or how much time is left until the next big celebration or adventure. Taking note of a date is so good to remember and cherish those special moments. It's essential for reflection, to remember where we came from and what we've been through. It's also a key reminder of how quickly time passes, begging us to savor each moment we're given.
As someone reminded me this past week, we're not promised tomorrow. Don't take today for granted.
Today I am remembering my beautiful white cat, Snowflake.
We lost him to a sudden sickness this day last year, one that took him from us very quickly. Watching him take his last breath was a moment I will never forget. When he died, I held his brother, Snowball, in my arms, (also suffering from the same sickness and fighting for his own life) and I just sobbed. Snowball hung on and fought for two more weeks before he, too, left us. I loved my cats dearly, and I grieved for them for quite a bit of the year.
I am smitten by my new kitten, now a year old, but I still miss my white fur-babies very much.
Today I'm also thinking ahead, knowing that only two short months remain until my son's graduation. Two. Short. Months. I still can hardly believe it. This is one school year I do NOT want the next two months to fly by. God gave me four years to mold him, to love him, to encourage him, to guide him, and to parent him. They've seemed like forever at times, while other moments it still feels like he just got here. It's definitely an entirely different world parenting him as opposed to parenting David. His high school graduation doesn't mean all that molding, loving, encouraging, guiding, and parenting will stop. It will just change.
The other day we were talking about college and the future, and he said, "Well, after I graduate (college) and get my own place, then it will go back to being the way it always was. Just me. But at least now I know I have a family I can always go to when I need help."That's right, son. You'll never be alone again. No matter what, you'll always have a family behind you now.
He gets it. Four years doesn't seem like much, but these four years changed everything for that boy.
As challenging as it's been to raise a child from the age of 15 and on, when I take the time to reflect on how far he's come (how far we've all come), I know I don't want to take a single day for granted. While we keep moving forward, sometimes it's so helpful to keep looking back. Reflection is good for the soul.
As someone reminded me this past week, we're not promised tomorrow. Don't take today for granted.
Today I am remembering my beautiful white cat, Snowflake.
We lost him to a sudden sickness this day last year, one that took him from us very quickly. Watching him take his last breath was a moment I will never forget. When he died, I held his brother, Snowball, in my arms, (also suffering from the same sickness and fighting for his own life) and I just sobbed. Snowball hung on and fought for two more weeks before he, too, left us. I loved my cats dearly, and I grieved for them for quite a bit of the year.
I am smitten by my new kitten, now a year old, but I still miss my white fur-babies very much.
Today I'm also thinking ahead, knowing that only two short months remain until my son's graduation. Two. Short. Months. I still can hardly believe it. This is one school year I do NOT want the next two months to fly by. God gave me four years to mold him, to love him, to encourage him, to guide him, and to parent him. They've seemed like forever at times, while other moments it still feels like he just got here. It's definitely an entirely different world parenting him as opposed to parenting David. His high school graduation doesn't mean all that molding, loving, encouraging, guiding, and parenting will stop. It will just change.
The other day we were talking about college and the future, and he said, "Well, after I graduate (college) and get my own place, then it will go back to being the way it always was. Just me. But at least now I know I have a family I can always go to when I need help."That's right, son. You'll never be alone again. No matter what, you'll always have a family behind you now.
He gets it. Four years doesn't seem like much, but these four years changed everything for that boy.
As challenging as it's been to raise a child from the age of 15 and on, when I take the time to reflect on how far he's come (how far we've all come), I know I don't want to take a single day for granted. While we keep moving forward, sometimes it's so helpful to keep looking back. Reflection is good for the soul.
