Destiny Allison's Blog, page 7

Happy Everything!

As written in the traditional Gaelic blessing:
Deep peace
Of the quiet earth to you
Deep peace
Of the shining stars to you
Deep peace
Of the gentle night to you
Moon and stars
Pour their healing light on you
Deep peace to you.

Much love and thanks for hanging with me on this tumultuous, beautiful journey.

Romance Diet Giveaway!

Now that The Romance Diet has been released, I’m offering free books through Good Reads. If you would like a chance to win, click the link. Good luck!

Goodreads Book Giveaway


The Romance Diet
by Destiny Allison

Giveaway ends January 18, 2016.

See the giveaway details

at Goodreads.

Enter Giveaway

https://www.goodreads.com/giveaway/widget/166840

The Taunt of a Messy House

We didn’t do anything last weekend. Now, midway through the week, dog hair still covers the rugs. Laundry is piled on the kitchen counter. A wine stain lingers, red and recriminating, on a glass coffee table.

We wonder sometimes about the taunt of a messy house. Like a nagging relative, it reminds us of all our imperfections. Other people manage to keep theirs up, so what’s wrong with us?

As the holidays descend, the pressure to be perfect mounts. Dirty dishes and unmade beds make us doubt ourselves. Are the cookies baked for the party? Did the packages get out on time?

The other night, a friend dropped by unannounced. I was mortified. While my husband greeted the him at the door, I scurried to clear the table and take the garbage out. Then I opened a bottle of wine.

Laughter and conversation followed. No one noticed the mess. Instead, the house warmed with conversation and togetherness.

We’re a far cry from perfect. We fight sometimes. The house and cookies, packages and cards are just part of life.

It’s all messy.

Looking back on that night,I’m reminded that perfect is an ideal and not the reflection of a loving life.

Tonight, we wish you calm. If it’s crazy busy, the dishes can wait. Those who love you won’t mind.

Feminists are Part of the Problem

I’m done. I refuse to be a mealy-mouthed liberal who posts polite, meaningful blogs about issues that are tearing us apart. I refuse to step off the grass at a protest because some uniformed person tells me I must. I will no longer mildly retweet and repost things that sicken my stomach and freeze my heart.

The morning after the San Bernardino shooting, I sat at the breakfast table. Numb. Pissed. Sad beyond belief and terrified not of Muslims but of the effect the shooting might have on the vast, innocent majority of them.

The news is repulsive. The election is a joke. The planet is dying.

Feminists are bickering with each other over trans and cis, inclusion, safe spaces, and trigger warnings. Meanwhile, some poor young woman has to drive three hundred miles to have a dead fetus removed from her uterus because some asshole somewhere ramped up the uneducated hordes and told them Jesus would save them if they voted for him in the next election.

I am no longer a feminist. Yes, I said that. I’ll say it again, loudly and in many ways, not because I reject the pursuit of equality for women or think that any of its issues are in any way irrelevant or wrong, but because feminists are part of the problem.

This country is experiencing an identity crisis that affects every man, woman, and child in it. In a blink of history’s eye, we legislated, regulated, and rocked the foundation of human civilization. Thank god. Thank feminists. Thank judges and politicians who saw the tide turning. But for all our effort, we’ve somehow missed the crucial point.

We forgot to teach people the skills necessary to handle the change. We didn’t demonstrate a different path or support them through radical, unprecedented legislation. We changed the rules, but not the game.

A few facts for those already forming their response:

Birth control became legal for all women in this country years after most of us were born and already inoculated with conventional cultural norms.


Marital rape was legal until 1995 in some states.


Until 1998, when the Supreme Court ruled that companies could be sued for it, sexual harassment was common in this country.


The term Rape Culture wasn’t coined until 2012.

I could go on. And on. And on. The fact is, most of us were adults when the legislation passed or the court ruled. Statistics, studies, and efforts by people way smarter than me to research, document, and legislate inequality are failing because we fail to address what happens at home.

Men aren’t equal. Women aren’t equal. Blacks and Hispanics, Jews and Muslims, hell, even fundamentalist Christians aren’t equal. You want to know why? Because the definition of equal — the state of being equal, especially in status, rights, and opportunities – doesn’t teach us how to be equal.

Since we don’t know how, since we’ve never actually done this before, we keep giving lip service to pet issues and repeating behaviors that are millennia old.

Son scrapes a knee, we say, “Shake it off, honey. Don’t cry.”

Daughter learns early that pretty is more important than smart.

Husband spends an hour cleaning the bathroom while wife cleans the rest of the house.

Wife leaves husband alone with the kids for a few hours, but can’t trust him to do anything right.

Husband is allowed to show anger or reason and not much else.

Wife’s emotions are trivialized.

I’m not talking big picture here – all the things the media will cover. I’m talking how we greet each other in the morning, how we kiss each other goodnight, and all the other little, everyday things that make up most of our lives. We police ourselves, the behaviors are so ingrained. And we police everyone who threatens the way we do things.

Creatures of habit. Out of control and spinning wildly on this wounded sphere, we are in a constant state of suppressed rage, hurt, and fear. So much so that we are numb or choking all the time.

Feminist. Meninst. Terrorist. Is it any wonder the violence is escalating?

So I’m done. I reject the terms chosen by those before me. While I applaud their efforts and thank them from the bottom of my heart for what they’ve done, it’s time to write a new play. Every time we tell a man to stop mansplaining without teaching him the skills he needs, we’re contributing to the problem. Every time we shame a man for a sexist comment, we’re teaching him our pain.

I am now an empathist instead of merely a feminist.

I’m going to open my heart. I’m going to stop telling you who to be. I’m going to try to understand in my bones what you’re going through, hold out a hand and say I know you’re hurting, too. In the process, maybe we’ll both learn a new way.

But I’m also going to hold you accountable for your actions. I’m going to call you out when I think what you’re doing or saying hurts the world and I won’t apologize. Not in my home. Not in the world. Not on Facebook or Twitter or the blogs. If we’re going to stop the violence, legislation is only one step. The other is that which we take on our own. It’s scary. I know. But it must be done.

Rock the damn boat. Not online. Not at a protest. Rock it at home. With love. With empathy. With a modicum of patience. Rock it in small ways. Feel the ripple of uncertainty. Feel the thrill of understanding. Feel whole and help those you love feel whole, too. Help each other. Hold hands. Tell your daughter she’s smart. Listen to your wife. Tell your son and your husband it’s okay to cry. Be a force for the one thing you can control and make empathetic changes in that tiny, beautiful microcosm you call your life.

 

The next stop on the blog tour is at Beth’s Bemusings. Be...

The next stop on the blog tour is at Beth’s Bemusings. Beth is great and writes candidly on many subjects. She asked me to do a post on loving the body you’ve got. 

Here’s the beginning:

When we spoke, you said you were interested in my thoughts on the psychology behind weight gain (and loss), loving your body, and how to lose weight with your hubby and love doing it. I think they’re all tied together. Our bodies mirror the way we feel about ourselves and the stress in our lives. When we’re happy, engaged, and taking care of ourselves, we don’t tend to gain (or worry about) weight. When we’re stressed and unhappy, we tend to blame ourselves for what ails us. That, in turn, contributes to weight gain.

Weight can be armor against the onslaught of the world and, as we all know, food comforts. Unfortunately, relying on the comfort and protection over-eating affords reinforces the doubt we have about ourselves. When we try to do something about it and our husbands (who are sometimes also overweight) tell us we’re beautiful or complain about changes in the menu, it becomes really difficult to make the changes we seek.

To read more, click here. Then, let me know your thoughts and thanks so much for following along.

Interview on The Compulsive Reader

I’m honored to be on The Compulsive Reader today. I’ve only recently started considering myself an activist. I talk about that, about my books, and about our lives being our greatest works of art.

Check out the interview and let me know what you think.

Destiny Allison — Author

Originally posted on I Am My Own Island:

I was asked to be on of a handful of blogs to interact with the author of The Romance Diet: Body Image and the Wars We Wage On Ourselves. The book is an intimately personal, raw, almost poetic look into the author’s journey into a new self acceptance. In trying to recover from the loss of her former identity as a artist, her life slipped into chaos.

I feel it is such an honor. We were asked if we wanted the author to write a blog post for us and I chose how and why we feel invisible in our lives and with others. THis is something I feel often myself so it is dear to my heart. Here is her words on the subject.

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Invisibility is a superpower. It affords us the opportunity to avoid difficult situations, sneak past guards, and enter forbidden rooms. Many of us have mastered…

View original 906 more words

Next Stop on the Tour — The Handmaid’s Tale and Culture War

Honored to be on Madeline Sharples’ blog today. This post is one more true to my heart and current journey. Hope you take a look and let me know what you think. Also, if you like it, please share. Thanks,

Thanks for having me on your blog today, Madeline. I enjoyed your post about The Handmaid’s Tale. It is one of my all time favorite books and first introduced me to the plight of women past and present. The heroine’s reduction from a strong, independent woman to a pair of ovaries is as relevant a topic now as it was then.

The only people who don’t believe there’s a war on women are those waging it. We see it everywhere – from the loss of access to women’s health providers to campus sexual assault. Three women a day are murdered in the United States by men they once loved. Statistics are staggering.

The Handmaid’s Tale does an excellent job of illuminating the tactics used against us in this war. We are powerless to defend ourselves when we feel afraid, ashamed, and without value.

These tactics work in tandem to make us invisible. Read More…

Secrets to Dressing Beautifully Over Fifty

I’m honored to be featured on Zest Now today. This is a popular site for women over fifty. My article is not what you normally see from me, but it was fun to write. Check it out and let me know what you think.

When I’m not writing, I’m managing the boutique I own. My customers are older, fifty plus, and they all have one thing in common. There is something about their body they hate. This one’s hips are too big. That one has a shelf. Bat wing arms make them want to hide themselves. Some are so skinny that clothes hang like drapes. Some… Read More

Self Doubt is a Double Edged Sword

I am so grateful to Audry at All Things Audry for hosting me on her blog today and I LOVE what she said about this post.

“If you’re a woman living on this planet, you need to read this post!

And, men, you can certainly benefit from the truths told here by today’s guest writer, Destiny Allison, author of the soon to be released book The Romance Diet: Body Image and the Wars We Wage on Ourselves.”

I hope you’ll check it out and check out the rest of her site. Let us both know your thoughts.

http://allthingsaudry.blogspot.com/2015/11/self-doubt-is-double-edged-sword-guest.html