Scott L. Moore's Blog, page 18

Teenage Wasteland

A high school student near my little corner of the world was busted last week as being the ringleader of a multi-million dollar drug ring (story here). He was selling high-grade marijuana at $300-400 an ounce to the tune of $20,000 a month for several years. It is quite the scandal in the upper-middle to upper-class suburb of Mason, Ohio.

I can’t help wondering what his parents must feel like. I wonder how they found out about it. Did they see it on the news? Did someone call his mom to tell her that her son was arrested? According to the article, there is no evidence that Mom knew anything about her son’s entrepreneurial pharmaceutical business. Ok. What did Dad know?

Dad? Wait for it. The article says the boy was being raised by a single mom. Dad wasn’t in the picture. Big surprise.

In his book, Father Power, Todd Wilson (aka, the Familyman) says, “Father power is the power of the relationship between a father and his children for good or bad. Sociologists can try to minimize the perceived impact of father power, but it doesn’t change the truth.” He calls father power “the greatest power on the planet.” Would it have mattered in this drug-dealing teen’s life if his dad had been around? I guess we’ll never know.

How have you seen the impact of a dad’s presence or absence in a child’s life?

Not On My Watch

“I feel the need – the need for speed!”

If you are anywhere near my age, there’s a good chance you recognize that quote from the Tom Cruise blockbuster 80’s movie Top Gun. Perhaps like you, I have seen that movie more times than is probably healthy, but it had been a while until tonight. I have a teenage daughter who gives me credit for being a better man than I am. So, she is interested in just about anything I am. She has seen the DVD in our collection and asked about it. As she grows up, my wife and I have struggled with wanting to share fun movies and books that we have enjoyed and wanting to protect her from the junk and some of the lousy values promoted in those stories.

I had forgotten just how much vulgar language and crude innuendo Top Gun contains, not to mention the unrealistic and flat out unholy view of male/female relationships. I became increasingly uncomfortable allowing my daughter to continue watching. We skipped over the more risqué parts, but it was still an unpleasant experience.

And so, I’m reminded that I’m charged with protecting my children. Not just protecting them from physical harm, but perhaps more importantly, I’m charged with protecting their hearts and minds. I don’t want them to be totally ignorant of everything in the world, but I also know that there is always a deeper level of depravity we have not experienced yet. Let me say that again.

There is always a deeper level of depravity that we have not yet experienced.

There’s always something more shocking out there that you haven’t seen, heard, or heard about. I’m always pleasantly surprised when I meet someone who is innocent enough to not understand a crude innuendo or profane word. And, honestly, I’m perfectly fine with my kids not knowing all the filth their peers know. The thing is, once you start exposing your kids to the ways of the world, where do you stop? And, in today’s rush to grow up, what’s the harm in letting our children be innocent a little longer?

I made a mistake tonight. It’s not one I’d like to make again. Ironically, it reminds me of a quote from another of Tom Cruise’s blockbuster movies which I will not be showing to my daughter anytime soon (if ever), A Few Good Men. Sam asks Joanne why she likes the Marines who are on trial for murder and she replies, “Because they stand on a wall and say, ‘Nothing’s gonna’ hurt you tonight – not on my watch.’”

I’d like to paint that on my mirror and on my kids’ bedroom ceilings, so it reminds me every day and them every night – Nothing’s going to hurt you – not on my watch.

Picking A Fight

Attribution: © John Lamonica

“I’m going to pick a fight.” – William Wallace, Braveheart

I learned early and well that friends can hurt you worse than anyone else. I remember at least four separate occasions that involved me getting bullied and, in the process, watching my friends betray me to side with the bully or to simply abandon me. On three of the four occasions, I had a brother or a friend who, at least, didn’t abandon me. On the fourth, I felt the humiliation of having someone feel sorry for me.

Recently, my 9-year-old son tried to defend a friend who was being bullied at a Cub Scout day camp. The bully then turned on my son and shoved him down. Thankfully, it didn’t go any further than that, but it got me to thinking.

Some things are worth fighting for.

I was sharing these tales with my best friend, Steve, the other day. Having both dabbled in martial arts over the years, I told Steve I was seriously considering enrolling my kids and me in Gracie (Brazilian) Jiu-Jitsu classes. This is not a new idea for me, just a new level of passion for the idea (The reason for that particular style is that it is the most effective and most humane for self-defense).

As I said, I learned, through those childhood experiences, to view people that were not close friends with suspicion. I have struggled to overcome that tendency as an adult (though it still serves me well in some situations). I have wondered, though, how I might look at others had I not had those experiences as a child. While talking to Steve, it occurred to me that it is not an overstatement to say that the entire trajectory of my childhood, and perhaps my life, would be different. Without going into too much self-psychoanalysis, let me just say that I wouldn’t mind having a chance to go back in time and confront a couple of those bullies, knowing what I know now.

I’m genuinely curious what you think about this. Have your kids (or you) dealt with anything similar? If so, how have you and they handled it? I don’t want to seem like I’m encouraging violence. On the contrary, my reason for wanting to train my children in self-defense is so that they can protect themselves and, if necessary, others who are bullied – if at all possible without injuring anyone. You may disagree, but in my experience the best way to stop a bully is to stand up to him.

“Resist the devil and he will flee from you.” – James 4:7

If there is a group of people picking on you, the best thing is to stand up to and defeat the ringleader. Take out the main bully, and the others won’t want to mess with you. I’m not suggesting violence as a means of solving problems. There are, however, certain bullies who will not stop until they are defeated. This is evident even on grand scales. After all, what were Hitler, Stalin, and Saddam Hussein, if not overgrown bullies? Bullies thrive on power. Weakness feeds their power. Do you remember a young boy named David who took on a bully named Goliath? We have turned this into a cute Sunday School story, but it is anything but. David was prepared for Goliath with the Jiu-Jitsu of his day – he had killed lions and bears to protect his sheep. And, when he went up against Goliath, he felt not an ounce of fear for three reasons:

He was trained.
He was right.
God was with him.

This is what I’m talking about. Sometimes talking doesn’t get the job done. There are things worth fighting for, and sometimes you may just need to pick a fight.

Thou Shalt Pester God?

An unexpected guest arrived at my house one night last week. And, you’re not going to believe this, but I didn’t have anything to offer him to eat. Our electricity had gone out, so the food in the fridge was bad. We’re both broke, so ordering take-out was out. My next-door neighbor is a good friend and had cooked out earlier. He generally goes to bed fairly early, but a light was on, so I called over to see if he had any extra food my friend and I could have. Well, apparently he was on the wrong side of the bed, because he basically told me he was asleep and hung up on me. Thinking he may not have heard me right, I decided to go knock on his door. I had to knock and ring the doorbell several times, but I finally got his attention. More precisely, I got his wife’s attention. According to my neighbor, his wife had told him to give me whatever I asked so I’d stop bothering them and they could go to sleep. So, my friend and I had a nice late-night snack of ribs, chips, and pop, and my neighbor would prefer not to see me again for a while.

The above is basically the story Jesus tells in Luke 11:5-8. He tells a similar story in Luke 18:1-9 about a persistent widow who keeps pestering an unjust judge. The judge eventually relents and does his job.

These two stories are often told to encourage people to “pray and not give up” as Luke states in verse 1 of chapter 18 of his gospel. The problem is that so many pastors, teachers, preachers, and “wise” counselors assume that these stories (or parables) are parables of comparison. They are not. They are parables of contrast. What do I mean?

Jesus told many parables which he prefaced with, “What is the kingdom of God like? What shall I compare it to?” (Luke 13:18) or something similar. Those are parables of comparison. In the two stories referenced above, Jesus does not say anything of the kind. Yet, many people assume that God is like the unjust judge or the neighbor. He will only do what you ask if you persist in pestering Him enough. This is a grave mistake which will severely distort your understanding of God. If you read on in Luke, you will find this:

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.

Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”     – Luke 11:9-13

The parallel passage in Matthew 7:11 says:

“If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!”

Seriously, dads, don’t you want to give your kids what they want? I know, they shouldn’t get everything they want. They need to learn contentment and patience and all that. But, if your son skins his knee and asks you for help, do you put him off? Ignore him? (If you say yes, you’re a heartless jerk). No! You get him a Band-aid. You hug him and wipe away his tears. Why would we think God is worse?

“And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? I tell you, he will see that they get justice, and quickly.” – Luke 18:7-8 (emphasis added).

Now, I’m not saying that God grants our every wish as soon as we ask (or at all), but he’s not unjust or annoyed with our requests. He loves us and wants the best for us. I don’t pretend to understand every difficult or tragic situation, but please don’t assume that God is like the jerks in the parables. He is the ultimate loving Daddy.

Which kind of judge/neighbor/dad are you?

“Nothing”

“There’s nothing I hate more than nothing.

Nothing keeps me up at night.

I toss and turn over nothing.

Nothing could cause a great big fight.”

-        Nothing by Edie Brickell & New Bohemians

How many times have you asked someone, “What’s going on?” and they say, “Nuthin’”, when you know full well that there is something going on? You have these friends. Life is kicking them in the teeth, but when you ask them what’s up, they say, “Nuthin’,” like everything’s cool. Why do people do that? Is it because, at a deeper level, nothing really is going on?

So many of us live like that – like there’s nothing going on. No larger story that we are a part of. No epic struggle between good and evil, God and the devil… They strive to be like Han Solo declaring, “There’s no mystical energy field that controls my destiny.”

“You killed the author of life, but God raised him from the dead. We are witnesses of this.” – Acts 3:15

Now, I understand, when someone asks how you’re doing, you don’t always have the time or the energy to go into all the challenges you’re facing. And, let’s face it, most people don’t want to hear about them. Also, you have a choice in how you feel about things. So, saying you’re doing great every time someone asks can have a strangely positive effect on how you feel. You may find others are happier to be around you, too.

But, I’m not talking about that. I’m not even really talking about how you respond to the question, “What’s going on?” I’m talking about how you and I live our lives. Do we truly believe that there is a larger story than just what we experience every day? Or, are we the center of the universe? Is life just meaningless? “Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die”? I admit, I’m just as guilty as the next guy. I go through a lot of days without much of a thought of destiny or eternity. I need constant reminders, like these:

“Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.” – Deuteronomy 11:18-19

“Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful.” – Joshua 1:8

So, what’s going on?

Happy Birthday, USA!

“Neither the wisest constitution nor the wisest laws will secure the liberty and happiness of a people whose manners are universally corrupt… He therefore is the truest friend to the liberty of his country who tries most to promote its virtue, and who, so far as his power and influence extend, will not suffer a man to be chosen into any office of power and trust who is not a wise and virtuous man… The sum of all is, if we would most truly enjoy this gift of Heaven, let us become a Virtuous people.” – Samuel Adams

5 Keys to Conquering Fear

Post-op pic: Let me know (and forgive me) if this is too graphic.

Last week I had to confront a fear of mine. Not a life-long fear, just something I’ve never done before. I had to have a minor surgery. I’ve had oral surgery before which, frankly, was far worse. But this time I had to have a small cyst removed from my head (behind my right ear). I don’t know about you, but I’m not keen on having someone take a sharp knife and start slicing at my head. I’m generally not inclined to sit still and let them. Still, I’ve wanted to have this cyst removed for several years, but it wasn’t hurting me. It was just annoying to have this lump behind my ear, especially whenever I went for a haircut.

Have you noticed that the longer you put something off, the stronger and more psychotic the fears of that thing become? Like I said, this was a minor surgery, but by the time the date of my surgery drew near, I was starting to wonder things like:

What if the doctor sneezes while he’s injecting the local anesthetic and accidentally shoves the needle into my brain? Worse, what if he does that with the scalpel?
What if they just forget the anesthetic?
What if I cry, pass out, or wet my pants? I’m 41 for crying out loud! I can’t do that! I’ll be laughed out of the doctor’s office!

About the time I started wondering if I’d wet my pants, I realized I was getting a little irrational and the calm voice of reason in my head said, “Get a grip, Scott. You’ve had worse cuts on accident before. You’ll be fine.” So, I started thinking of how I’ve confronted fears in the past. And, here’s what I came up with:

Name your fear. It does no good if you can’t identify your fear. I saw Jaws at 5 years old and to this day, I have to go through this process of confronting my fear of sharks every time I get in the ocean.
Think rationally. 92% of what we worry about never happens (so I’ve heard). That sounds great unless you start thinking that gives you a 1 in 10 chance of being eaten by Bruce the shark. So, you may have to find more specific rational reasons to let go of your fear. I don’t know the exact numbers, but I figure I have a much greater chance of being killed or maimed in a car crash than of being eaten by a shark and I drive every day. If that doesn’t work, think manly. Thinking manly isn’t always the brightest way, but it can work. Basically, it means muster your courage. For example, if I want to think manly, I remind myself that being attacked by a shark would be a cool story if I survived and, if not… Well, there are worse ways to go.
Pray. In all seriousness, I have a big God. HUGE. He created the shark. He can keep it from snacking on me (and my family). He can keep the doctor from sneezing and accidentally turning me into Vincent Van Gogh. And, it never hurts to ask.
Find inspiration anywhere you can. In the waiting room at the doctor’s office, I saw a little boy, probably 5 or 6 years old, waiting to get the cast off of his arm. I’ve never broken my arm. I broke my collar bone when I was little (and maybe my toe while playing Gertie ball – basically 2-man barefoot soccer in a dorm hallway with a lopsided playground ball), but I’ve never been in a cast. Watching him I thought, That little boy is braver than I am. So, I figured I could muster up the courage to get through a little cyst removal.
Confront your fear. The easiest way to conquer a fear is to face it head on. Fear feeds on itself. Confrontation kills it. I’ve seen this, time and again, watching kids at summer camp on the climbing wall. The wall looks like King Kong – until they start climbing. Suddenly, it doesn’t look as big. It looks a whole lot more manageable from the top of the 40-foot beast. Of course, then you have to turn around and repel down from the top, which can be frightening, in itself. Thankfully, you don’t really have any other way to get down, so you face another fear and conquer it (it helps not to have any way out of facing your fear) immediately (remember, don’t give your fear time to gain strength).

It may be this last one that is the most important key to conquering fear. Fear really becomes a fierce, giant, three-headed monster if you let it. If you determine to face it head on, your determination keeps it at a manageable size.

“It was, he thought, the difference between being dragged into the arena to face a battle to the death and walking into the arena with your head held high. Some people, perhaps, would say that there was little to choose between the two ways, but Dumbledore knew – and so do I, thought Harry, with a rush of fierce pride; and so did my parents – that there was all the difference in the world.” – J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

So, what giant-sized fear do you need to face head on? What’s stopping you from confronting and conquering your fear?

The ‘C’ Word

Call me old-fashioned, but I still think marriages are supposed to last a lifetime. I think most people would agree that marriages ideally should last a lifetime, but that it just doesn’t always work out. Fair enough. What do we do about that?

My mom used to tell us kids that when she married my dad she told him it was for life. “I’m not getting divorced. If you want to get rid of me, you’ll have to kill me.” It was a tongue-in-cheek way of throwing down the ‘C’ word – Commitment.

The problem with commitment is that it isn’t enough just to say you’re committed to someone or something. It helps to have a strategy. And leaving yourself ‘outs’ is not a great strategy. You’d be surprised how many people say things like, “Oh, we’re committed, but everyone has their breaking point and some people just can’t make it work.” Look, here’s the thing. If, during the good times, when nothing is going wrong, the best you can muster is, “Yeah we’re committed, but you never know,…” I guarantee you aren’t going to make it. How do I know?

When did Noah build the ark? (Answer: Before the rain.)

The ark is commitment. If you don’t build an unshakable commitment from the beginning, when the rains come, you’re sunk. I’m sure some of Noah’s neighbors thought, “He’s crazy. Even if it does rain, we have a boat. We don’t need an ark the size of three city blocks. We can ride the storm out in our dinghy.”

The dinghies didn’t make it. How about you? Are you building an ark or a dinghy?

Go Ahead. Make My Day.

“I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.” 3 John 1:4

The other night, I dropped my kids off at a local church where some friends of mine go for their Vacation Bible School. It was the third night of VBS and, when I checked them in with one of the volunteers, the volunteer said, “Your children are so kind and polite! We just love having them here!” Now, I admit, there was a small part of me that almost looked around to make sure she was talking to me, but honestly, I know my kids and they are wonderful! I occasionally forget just how wonderful and, I’ll tell you, there is nothing in the world that lifts my spirits like someone else bragging on my kids. It’s a little different when another man starts telling me how great my wife is – I start to get a little suspicious, if you know what I mean. And, this happens quite a bit because, well frankly, my wife is just awesome. Instead of getting suspicious though, I just take it as a compliment on my exceptional wisdom and taste in choosing my bride.

So, go ahead! Tell me how great my kids are! Tell some friends how great their kids are! And, don’t forget to lavish a little love and admiration on your own kids and your spouse. It will make their day.

R U 2 Real?

“We’re real. We’re authentic. We’re cool – wait, I mean, we’re not cool. We’re just… real.”

Am I the only one who is tired of hearing how real everyone is? Maybe it’s because I’ve hit middle age and I’ve been marketed to all my life. Now that we’re in the post-modern-post-information-post-toasties generation, marketing no longer works and companies, churches, etc., have no choice but to be real – to actually provide the great service their advertising always said they did.

If I could eliminate two marketing strategies from now on, it would be green and real. Face it – if you haven’t jumped on the green bandwagon by now, you’re not going to. Personally, this one jumped the shark for me when the airline I worked for tried going green. Seriously? I thought, you burn jet fuel for a living! If you go green, you’re going to have to ground all your planes.

The “real” thing is starting to wear thin, too. We get it. You’re real. You’re really real. We’ll see.

Isn’t the “real” thing self-evident? Either you’re there when I need you or you’re not. If my insurance company I’ve paid faithfully for years without filing a claim suddenly finds a reason not to cover me when I have an accident or terminal illness or whatever, they’re not real. And no amount of marketing will convince my real friends, Facebook friends, Twitter followers, and blog readers that they are. And God help them if I’m connected to a Seth Godin or Michael Hyatt or someone else with a massive social media platform. Businesses simply cannot continue to provide bad service and expect to stay in business.

If my church claims to be real and authentic, you can be darned sure I’ll find out if they are. Sooner or later, I’ll need a friend for something. If you’re not there then, you lose. I had an experience, years ago, when my car broke down and I had to get to work. Being a pretty active member of my church, I thought I’d call the church and see if there was anyone there on a weekday who could spare a half hour to give me a ride. The receptionist who answered told me everyone was at lunch – there was no one available. I later found out that one of the pastors, a friend of mine, was sitting in his office down the hall and gladly would have helped me had the receptionist bothered to come ask or even transfer the call to him. Thankfully, that wasn’t my only interaction with the staff there, but it sure was a missed opportunity to be real.

So, my point with this little rant is this: If you’re going to tell everyone how real and authentic you are, please be prepared to back it up. Otherwise, it’s time to fire your marketing department.