Edward Lorn's Blog, page 3

Dean Koontz and the Shitty Update

Last post of February and, man, will I be glad to flush away this month. Quick update on the bathroom situation I spoke about in last week’s blog: some of the shit got under the linoleum in the bathroom and hallway, so I had the flooring replaced. The guys who came did a fantastic job. Their boss was a douche, though. The guy showed about fifteen minutes before his crew and told me, “I had to hire Mexicans, so you might wanna hide your jewelry.” In case you don’t know, I live in the south, so this is par for the course. Dude had a set of balls on him, though, because he’d met my wife and he still said that shit. (In case you don’t know, my wife’s black.) I shook my head and walked away, leaving him to his measurements. I know some of you will ask why I didn’t fire him on the spot, and the answer is simple: had I told him to leave, his crew wouldn’t have been paid for the day.

Anyfuck, here’s the before and after.

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They had to remove the toilet to lay the new linoleum. The smell when they lifted the toilet…motherfuck, that was nasty as hell.

Completely off topic, someone just emailed me (literally just checked my mail while I was writing this and found her message) and sent photos of her high school yearbook. Seems she had Dean Koontz as a teacher. Here’s the photo she sent:

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That’s wild. He looks so young and talented, absolutely nothing like himself!

I’ll stop.

Thanks for the pic, Babette.

Other than the flooring situation, I’ve had a fantastic week. Thank you to everyone who sent words of support and tales of solidarity. Made a rough situation a little more sufferable. I’m just glad my bathroom no longer smells like an outhouse. My poor daughter (Autumn) kept going to my mother’s house to use the bathroom because every time she used ours she got sick to the point of vomiting. I’m happy to report back that she can now use her own bathroom without her meals returning.

I DNF’d three books this week. Couldn’t get into a single one of them. One of those was written by an acquaintance of mine, so I won’t be mentioning it here. It wasn’t bad, it’s just not my thing. Doubt I’ll even return to it, but I’d try something else from them in a heartbeat. The other two were MR. SPLITFOOT, by Samantha Hunt, and ZOMBIE, by Joyce Carol Oates. I will retry MR. SPLITFOOT when I’m in the mood for dense writing, but I’ll be donating the Oates book. I’ve tried reading it six times and I’ve finally learned my lesson. The  book is written in an experimental style, where some sentences start with ampersands (these things &) and to be honest it fucking annoys me. Do y’all have any pet peeves like that? Any formatting or usage you can’t stand? I know some people hate italics. I have no idea why, and it doesn’t really matter, because I have plenty of things that irk me that might otherwise seem like a nothing-burger to someone else.

I finally picked BROKEN MONSTERS, by Lauren Beukes, off the shelf. I loved THE SHINING GIRLS but I’d forgotten just how good her writing is. Anyway, I’m enjoying the mess out of it right now. I’m still reading THE HUNGER to Chelle, and we’re liking it, but it has to go back to the library before the end of the month and there’s no way we’ll be done by then. I’ll likely go ahead and buy it so we can finish. It’s not something I foresee myself rereading but it’s a solid four stars right now.

Does that mean I haven’t finished a single book this week? Yes, yes it does. It sucks, but sometimes life gets in the way. Having your bathtub fill to overflowing with shit definitely deserves all of your attention. Meaning, it’s not something one can overlook for long, ya mean? Instead of reading, I’ve been speedrunning Resident Evil 2. I’m currently stuck on the Playthrough A’s final Birkin battle. It sucks, but I have faith I’ll beat him within the week.

How y’all been? Lemme know in the comments below.

E.

Ain’t This Some Shit?

Holy shit what a couple of days it’s been. If for no other reason I’m writing this blog to organize my thoughts. Second goal is to have a written documentation of the events that unfolded on Valentine’s Day, 2019. Thirdly, I want something I can point to when someone asks, “Where have you been the last few days?” I’ve been through the shit, both literally and figuratively. Lastly, I wanna make myself feel better, because this shit has me in a black mood. So let’s talk it out.

Thursday, V-Day, I used the bathroom, as one is wont to do upon first waking, and as one also does, I flushed the toilet. There came from the pipes a burbling, then a bubbling, and finally a great rumbling, like the bellyache of a buried god. Needless to say, I got the fuck out of the bathroom, hollering for my wife, as any strong, independent man will do. Chelle hollered her usual, “What, fool?” (Gregor, if you’re reading this, you’ll know she didn’t call me “fool”.) About the time she said “Fool” there was a sound like someone was trying to talk under water. That sound would persist for almost an hour.

At the end of this hour, the bathtub had filled with shit. Literal shit. Feces. The human variety. Threaded through this mass of anal leavings was veins of undissolved toilet tissue, like the caramel swirl in Moose Tracks. I thought toilet tissue decomposed in a septic tank. Seems it takes longer than I imagined, because what I imagined was instantaneous. Yeah, not so much.

The bathtub effluvium escape didn’t stop there. The speaking-under-water sound had stopped, but the shit just kept right on coming. It overflowed the edge of the tub, splashed down on the step (we have a garden tub, peeps; that’s how much shit there was), and proceeded to cover the bathroom floor. This was the master bathroom, so the carpet in the bedroom I share with Chelle was ruined. A good three feet had to be cut away. It now resides in our trash can, which is stationed at the curb because it smells just heavenly; I mean holy shit.

This all happened over the course of an hour and a half, total. That’s when the near-constant onslaught of sewage stopped pumping from the tub drain, at any rate. What started as a simple bubbling turned into about $1,500 worth of damages. The carpet in my room will need to be replaced because there’s no way we’re gonna find a remnant that even remotely matches the seventies-era bullshit that once was, and the emergency shit truck cost another $600. Why so much you ask? Well, it was Valentine’s Day, which I’m only assuming is a federal holiday in the world of shit removal, because everyone I called said it would be Monday, at the earliest, before they could get here.

Fuck that noise. I continued to call, extended my search to the next town over, then finally two towns over, in glorious Deatsville, where a gentleman named Bruce, a septuagenarian who’s been pumping poo his entire life, was on call for emergency dookie dispatch. Bruce came to our rescue for double the going rate, which was $300*2. Good guy, even if he was ridiculously expensive. He pumped our pooper and told us a gleeful tale of how ours was the third worst case he’s ever seen. Honestly, to the two that beat us, I’m sending you my sincerest condolences. If yours was truly worse than ours, you have my sympathies to the umpteenth degree. Bruce then postulated that there had been a gas build up in our tank that popped when I flushed the john after my post-awakening constitution. The resultant pocket of air caused a reverse suction, much like how you get gasoline out of a car’s gas tank with a length of water hose. And blamo, tub fulla shit. He said he was surprised it didn’t keep going until the tank was empty, but was happy, for our sake, that it didn’t. Me fucking too, Brucey, ya goddamn optimist, you.

Alas we were left with a bedroom, bathroom, and bathtub filled with shit, our own waste come back to visit us like bi-polar in-laws hopped up on crank and tequila. We took a quick jaunt to the nearest Dollar General to buy supplies, returned packing heavy, like a Schwarzenegger movie, plugged in the Shop-Vac, and got to work.

I filled a six-gallon Shop-Vac a dozen times. And that was just the bathtub. Where’d I put all this shit? Right back where it came from. No telling what my water bill is gonna be like, seeing as how I must’ve flushed a hundred times between Thursday evening and Saturday morning. Chelle and I worked in shifts (Shit Shifts, if it pleases ya) until it was done. In between cleaning crap, I played Resident Evil 2, which I’m currently learning how to speedrun, and Chelle spent her off hours playing Borderlands 2 with Chris. Autumn was spared any refuse removal because she’s only thirteen and Chelle and I aren’t goddamn monsters. All in all it took us thirty-two hours of sucking and flushing and scrubbing to clean everything to the point that our house didn’t smell like a Louisiana rest area in August. (If you’ve driven through LA in the summer you know exactly what I’m talking about.)

How glad was Chelle that I got the use of my leg back this month and was able to help her? I don’t think such happiness can be measured by mortal man.

So yeah, I didn’t get any reading done this weekend. Too exhausted. Could I have been reading instead of playing RE2? Sure. Did I want to do anything but kill zombies and other G-virus monstrosities in the quickest possible way? Fuck no. But you wanna know the most impressive thing about this entire situation?

The amount of people on Twitter who, in response to my tweet of “Today is a bath tub fulla shit kinda day. Fuck you, Septic Tank.” had this to say:

“That’s shitty.”

Fuck all y’all.

Seriously, though, if it wasn’t for you, this would’ve been an unmanageable disaster: physically, mentally, and monetarily. The only reason I had the $1,500 to take care of this mess is because all of you show me so much support by buying my books, watching the YouTube content, and pledging on Patreon. I’m lucky enough to support a family of five (my mother included, now) solely on the income from my creative endeavors. That amazes me. You guys really saved our asses. I’m a lucky guy to have such a wonderfully supportive community, even if you do have the shittiest sense of humor.

deuces and smooches

E.

 

WALK THIS WAY!

This week marks the first week I’m back walking. Yes, you read that right. I’M WALKING! Ever since Friday, my son and I have been walking down to the end of the driveway and back, about 50 yards round trip. I haven’t had to use my walker, either. These walks are completely unaided, which is the first time I’ve been able to do so since my fall several months back.

And my doctor said I’d never walk again. Guess I showed him, eh?

Man, I’m happy. I’m looking forward to bumping up the distance slowly but surely until I’m back to walking two or three miles a day. I miss my walks. Chris, my son, has been my little cheerleader, so I plan to continue taking him with me instead of listening to audiobooks like I used to do. It’ll give us more time to bond, which is always a good thing. He’ll be seven this April, and it’s about time we started going more in depth about how to treat women, and all that good stuff.

I finished THE WINTER PEOPLE, by Jennifer McMahon, but that’s all I finished this week. I’m almost done with my secret project. It’s going exceedingly well. I’m actually not enjoying the book (the secret project) but what I was able to connect to the Dark Tower and the King-verse overall definitely made this read a success. I hope to get to THE GROWNUP, by Gillian Flynn, this week, but we’ll see. Chelle and I are reading THE HUNGER, by Alma Katsu, or I should say, I’m reading the book to her, about twenty pages a night, like we did with INFINITE JEST (David Foster Wallace) last year. I love reading to her. It’s one of my favorite pastimes, and it helps give us more time together without the kids in our hair.

Today on Twitter and Patreon I announced the All Things Lead to the End omnibus to some confusion, so I wanted to repeat it here. I will no longer be publishing independently, meaning if I can’t find a publisher for my new books, they won’t be released anywhere aside from Patreon in serialized format. Orders and pre-orders that have already been placed will continue to ship as per usual.

The big news is that NO HOME FOR BOYS will not be getting a standalone ebook or paperback relead unless you’re a Patreon supporter, or you buy the paperback directly from me. The only digital release the book will get is inside the All Things Lead to the End omnibus, due out sometime in June (Patreon supporters get it in March). The omnibus will not be getting a print release due to it’s size (556,000 words, 962 pages). The omnibus includes the complete Bay’s End storyline, consisting of every novel, novella, and short story set in the fictional small town of Bay’s End that is canon to the All Things Lead to the End sequence of events. The list of works included is as follows:

BAY’S END

FOG WARNING

THE SOUND OF BROKEN RIBS

THE BEDDING OF BOYS

EVERYTHING IS HORRIBLE NOW

“Cinder Block”

“There Were Other Versions of Us”

NO HOME FOR BOYS

CRUELTY

An Excerpt of CRUELTY & JOY

And that’s everything. Patreon got the cover reveal of All Things Lead to the End today, and you guys will get it next week. If you have any questions, feel free to ask. Even if you don’t have questions, lemme know what you’re currently reading, or start a completely different discussion.

See y’all next Monday!

E.

 

My favorite videos this week:

Please Let This End Soon

We’re into the second month of the year and I’m mentally exhausted. The release of EVERYTHING IS HORRIBLE NOW has been one disaster after another: what with design issues, shipping problems, missed orders, and multiple other fuckeries, both with the limited edition and the independent version.

If these many problems happened in such rapid succession to anyone else, I wouldn’t believe it. I’m honestly considering writing a nonfiction novella (maybe even a novel by the time this experience is in my rear-view) called EVERYTHING IS (REALLY) HORRIBLE NOW, but as previously stated, I don’t expect anyone would believe the chain of events. Suffice it to say, me and everyone involved with this project will be glad to have this book behind us.

And I still have the release of NO HOME FOR BOYS to look forward to in June…so yay…

Had this kinda thing happened to me last year, or any other year previous to 2018, I would’ve lost my shit and dug myself a hole to hide in. I’d be vague-posting and shit-stirring on social media in an attempt to take my mind off the bigger issues, which in turn would’ve caused more issues, and the cycle would have perpetuated. This time, though, I’m pretty chill. Tired, but chill, if you can dig it. I face every issue as it surfaces and because of that I’ve been able to maintain an even keel. This needs to end, though. And soon.

On top of all that, the fasting either isn’t working or I’d gained so much since my last visit that, if I did lose weight, it isn’t showing on the scales yet, because I’ve gained four pounds. I didn’t start this fasting business until January of this year, and hadn’t seen my doctor since October,so it’s very possible I simply gained a buttload of weight over the holidays. And no, I’m not working out, so it’s not a matter of new muscle weighing more than old fat. But, hey, even if the fasting isn’t working, at least my grocery bill is smaller.

I know I sound defeated but I’m truly not. I’m even smiling as I type this because I’m still in a good headspace. Especially since I’ve been dealing with and fixing the issues to the best of my ability, which happens to be sufficient. Who woulda thought? Also, I finally have a baseline set, so if I continue to gain weight, I’ll be able to tell when my next doctor’s appointment comes around in May. So all is not lost. At least not in my mind.

One more thing: after the last blog post my Patreon supporters damn near doubled in size, so thanks for that, you sexy so-and-sos. Really looking forward to sharing CRUELTY AND JOY with y’all.

I finished WALLFLOWER (Chad Lutzke) and THINNER (Stephen King writing as Richard Bachman) last week and loved both. WALLFLOWER hit some triggers of mine, but I managed to get through it with only a mild cause of crawling skin. This fourth readthrough of THINNER was my best experience with the book yet, and the first time I’ve ever walked away from it with a positive opinion. Hated it the last three times. Still trying to understand what changed in my life to make me appreciate it nowadays.

Finally, the rollercoaster that is Stephen King fandom reared its ugly head when his new novel, THE INSTITUTE, was announced last Thursday. I was stoked until I saw the cover reveal and read the excerpt on Friday. Looks like we’re getting YA King, and the last thing the world needs is YA King. But we’ll see. I wasn’t expecting to love THE OUTSIDER as much as I did, and now it’s in my top five. I’m apt to say that  I’ll likely love it based solely on the fact that it is not ELEVATION.

How are y’all doing? What’re you reading. Let me know below.

E.

 

More Cruelty???

We’re four weeks into 2019 and I’ve decided to allow the hair on my head to grow unimpeded until the end of the year. Facial hair, too. Last time I did this, I gave up after three months, when I was asked by a dude outside of our local grocery store if I needed a few bucks so that I could grab a hot meal. He’d thought I was homeless, which wouldn’t’ve been funny had I been, but was decidedly HILL-AREAS to me due to the fact that I was not. I was, however, depressed and perpetually angry, as some of my followers might recall, (think back to how I acted after the 2016 elections and I’m sure my personal appearance will not shock a single one of you), and my hygiene suffered. Luckily, I didn’t reek. I was still showering (Chelle, say thankee) enough to keep the men in white coats away, but I’d stopped grooming myself and wound up looking like…

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Look at that slovenly sumbitch! He looks like someone just molested his favorite puppy while dragging it down the interstate by a length of rusted barbwire. Poor bastard deserved to be mistaken for a vagrant. That was 2017, by the way. On Twitter I mistakenly said it was a year ago. It was actually two years ago, when I had everything going for me aside from a positive mental attitude.

So why would I want to look like that again? you might be asking yourself. The answer is, I don’t want to look like that again. I do, however, want to see what I look like with a full beard, and the only way to do that is to grow it out over a year and trim it back. Also, this time around, I plan to take care of all this new hair, which I did not do last time. Beard oil, conditioner, vitamins… those types of things are going to be paramount to success. Will I look like a hot mess dipped in flaming garbage for the next year of my life? Yes, yes, I will. Will the end product be worth it? Probably not. But goddamn it, I’m going to try. Either way, Chelle will be happy, because she likes my pubic beard, says she likes the way it feels, and I couldn’t careless what anyone but her thinks about my appearance so ONWARD!

Video uploads will be lacking this week as central Alabama prepares for SNOWMAGEDDON 2019! Honestly, it might not be that bad, but we lose power whenever someone belches in our general direction, so I don’t have high hopes for internet stability throughout the week. It was a pleasant 55 degrees here all day today, and partly cloudy, but for some reason the internet wouldn’t stop dropping out every hour, meaning I couldn’t get anything uploaded today. Alas, there’s always tomorrow…

Speaking of tomorrow, I have my first doctors appointment since starting my intermittent fasting at the beginning of the year. I’m looking forward to whether or not this new lifestyle is working, considering I do not own a scale and have not been weighing myself. Shit, I could’ve gained weight, but I doubt it. I feel amazing, and none of my clothes fit anymore, so here’s to hoping!

I’m thirty pages from the end of THINNER and despite one part that shattered my sense of escapism, I’ve dug every minute of the book. This is my fourth time through the fifth (and final before King was outed) Bachman book, the last time being in 2015, and I have no idea what has changed in my life to make me appreciate the book more now more than ever. I’m almost done with WITCHES OF EASTWICK, too. Oddly enough both books were published in 1984. I didn’t plan that, promise. When they were written is an entirely different story, I’m sure, but I find it amusing that I just happened to read two books that were both published within months of each other. Serendipity? Fate? Probably neither, but it is cool and odd, even if it means nothing.

What’re y’all currently reading? Only thing I didn’t mention was that I’m about halfway through the audiobook of CHERRY, by Nico Walker, I think is ol’ dude’s name. I’m looking forward to February and Women in Horror Fiction month. Are you participating? I will be, kinda. I won’t be reading only horror, but I will be reading only women authors. I’m excitedto finally start A SECRET HISTORY, by Donna Tartt, and CROOKED GOD MACHINE, by Autumn Christian, whom I’ve long been a fan of. Her blog, anyway. I have yet to read any of her fiction, but her newsletters are some of the best around.

By the way, CRUELTY AND JOY, the prequel/paraquel/sequel to my 2015 serial novel CRUELTY starts over on Patreon in March. If you haven’t signed up, you can do so HERE. For $5 a month, you’ll get a paperback bind-up of the episodes released thus far, as well as a limited-edition hardcover of the final book when the series wraps in late 2020, if you’re subscribed during the life of the serial, that is. You can’t sign up for one month and cancel the next and still get a free hardcover. Sorry, folks. The novel is twice as long as CRUELTY, which was 150k words. That’s right, this motherfucker is 300,000+ words, and I think it’s worth every page. I had the most fun of my career writing this one. If you liked the first book, I guarantee you’ll love this one.

Here’s the cover art. The lettering might change, but the artwork is finished. Patreon supporters will be getting free posters of this image in a few months, as well.

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See y’all next Monday!

E.

My favorite videos of the week:

 

Who Would Want to Read about Me?

This morning the grass is shimmering like a field of diamonds, and I’m obviously in a literary mood. The moon is full. Twitter says “blood moon” is trending. I have no idea why that’s special, but I’m sure someone will let me know. I don’t plan to hang around the Twitverse long enough to find out and I’m not intrigued enough to Google it, so onward.

I watched two movies last night: YOU WERE NEVER REALLY HERE (excellent) and HELLRAISER JUDGMENT (acceptable at best, but the bar is super low after the abomination that was part nine). I can’t recall the last time I just shutdown and watched more than one movie. (I did live-tweet HELLRAISER JUDGMENT, and had a lot of fun doing so, but I consider that a cheat day and not a relapse.) I had a blast with both movies, even if the former was leagues better than the latter.

Sometimes I think authors use “former” and “latter” simply to confuse people. Then you have the people who don’t use it properly, and that’s why no one knows which is which. Me? I remember by telling myself that the first thing is former, and I remember that by telling myself that both “first” and “former” start with “F”. The more you (think you) know.

Anyway, I highly recommend YOU WERE NEVER REALLY HERE, especially if you enjoy my Larry Laughlin series.

I did something this week I haven’t done since high school. I let a couple of strangers read the beginning of an unfinished project. Not an unedited project, but an unfinished one. If you know me personally, you will know this is rarer than a green blood moon. (You know I had to Google it.) I didn’t let these folks read unfinished material for any vain purpose, and by that I mean that I totally did. Vanity was the predominate motivator, anyway. Secondly, I wanted to know if people would enjoy reading about, well…me.

It’s super early in the process, but I’m writing my first piece of novel-length nonfiction tentatively called AUGUST BABY: a Memoir. (Godfuck, “A Memoir” sounds pretentious as fuck…) But pretension is one of the reasons I sent the opening chapters to a group of readers who have a) never read my work and b) won’t read my work because I’m a disgusting horror author. I kid. One of them has read my work. She hated it, which is why I asked her to read this.

All three of them loved the opening three chapters. Of course, they were under the impression that this was fiction, but that too was important to the process. I think I’ve lived a pretty interesting life, interesting enough to spend the next few months writing about myself (bloody narcissist that I am), but I wanted to know if my life would interest readers who prefer fiction. A memoir is the ultimate in putting yourself out there, if you’re honest anyway, and I plan to be. It’s going to be awkward, but I doubt it’ll be boring. And that’s most important to me. That people are entertained.

I’m still enjoying my limited time on social media (one-hour a day, for those of you new to the blog) and don’t plan to returning to my old ways. We’re three weeks into this experiment (studies say it takes 21 days to build a new routine) and sales haven’t dropped, neither have my follower counts, in fact, both have gotten better, so maybe the idea that social media is important to an author’s success is a bunch of bullshit?

Or perhaps people like it when there’s less of me? Can’t say I’d blame them, but I’m working on that. The memoir (FUCKING PRETENSIOUS WORD GODDAMN) is helping with allowing me to like myself again.

Or maybe for the first time.

Anyballs, how’re you doing? I’m stupidly happy, especially after such a positive response to the first three chapters of my new (DON’T CALL IT A MEMOIR YOU WHORE) project. I continue to fast twice a week with the aid of Keto coffee, or Bulletproof coffee, if you prefer (see the last blog for the recipe). I see my doctor on the January 29, so I’ll have a weight and progress report for you next Monday. I’m currently reading THE RUNNING MAN and THE WITCHES OF EASTWICK (buddy read with my friend Erica) and am enjoying the latter more than the former.

Fuck, I did it again.

E.

My favorite videos of the week:

2008-Obama Levels of Change

Holy shit, what a month it’s been so far. Two weeks in and I’ve completely changed my internet habits, started eating right and fasting, and…wait for it…WE MIGHT BE MOVING?!?!?!?!???!!???

Now that last bit is subject to change (pun not intended) because I don’t have a final say-so from one of the parties involved, but we might be buying a three-bedroom, two-and-a-half-bath, home with a den and living room and fire place and acres of land! Not sure yet, but chances are very good because it’s either they sell to us or let the bank foreclose and who wants that shit in their rearview?

I’m continuing with my one-hour-a-day social media regimen and loving it. I’m also managing to follow my new eating routine, where I eat whatever I want as long as I stay under 3,000 calories five days a week, and fast the other two days, as long as they’re not back to back. I’ve also recently started drinking keto coffee on the days I fast AND CAN CURRENTLY SEE THE FUTURE! Kidding, but it’s amazing how much energy that stuff gives you. Keto coffee, or Bulletproof coffee as some call it, is six ounces of coffee blended with two tablespoons of unsalted butter (I use Kerrigold grass-fed) and one tablespoon of either coconut or MCT oil. The effects are righteous. I can have up to 600 calories while fasting, but this week I’m going to try drinking nothing but the keto coffee, and only water and black coffee after that. If you follow me on Twitter, I’m trying that tomorrow, so stay tuned for updates…

In reading and reviewing news…

I finished THE NIGHT PARADE and BAD CALL this week, and reviewed both. I’ll link those below. I also finished ROADWORK, but that video won’t be up until Wednesday. I think…Anywho, I’m currently listening to CHERRY, and reading THE CHANGELING, which I am liking a lot, and will be starting THE RUNNING MAN tonight. What’re you reading?

In writing and publishing news…

All Things Lead to the End, my Bay’s End series, is finally coming to a close. EVERYTHING IS HORRIBLE NOW comes out February 5, and NO HOME FOR BOYS drops in June (March for Patreon pledges), but both books are done. It’s going to be weird waiting until June to release the final book because I will have stopped working on it in January, but I don’t want to push them out too close together.

The Larry Laughlin series returns in March, too. PENNIES FOR THE DAMNED (my preferred version) drops then. Looking forward to what people think of it. I can’t think that too many people read the original version. I think the book sold a total of 16 copies, if my former publisher is to be believed, so I’m not too worried about upsetting anyone with the new content, which is actually old content that was cut from the book, but I’ll move on because I don’t want to confuse anyone. The third book in that series, FLESH FOR THE ASKING, comes out next March. Only two people in the world have read it, so I’m going to need more input before publishing it. I’m shooting for a new Laughlin book every year, but we’ll see. There’s only five books in total, and they’re already written, so I might not be able to wait…

I think that’s enough updating for today. But I wanna end this post by asking y’all how you’re doing? Any better than last week? Any worse? Let me know down below.

E.

I Wanna Get Positive, Positive!

So we’re officially a week into 2019 and I’m feeling pretty damn good. I finished BEARSKINS, by James A. McLaughlin (fantastic by the way, I’ll link to the review at the end of this blog, if you’re interested), and am ¾ through with THE NIGHT PARADE, by Ronald Malfi, which is pretty darn good, despite some clichés and repetitive writing, but I’ll discuss all that in my review.

I’ve started planning out my TBRs for the month, too. I’m a mood reader, though, so we’ll see how long that lasts.

But how the hell are you doing? I feel like we don’t talk enough. I get plenty of views on this blog, but people rarely ever comment. I’m a big fan of discussion, even if it is just you telling me how you’re doing. It’s an easy way to check in with people that I don’t get to talk to because life gets in the way, so holler at ya boi.

(I’ll stop.)

I’m loving my new social media existence. No more than an hour on my various platforms has boosted my productivity in the real world. I’m exercising again (30 minutes of Just Dance 2019 on the Switch with my kids every night, albeit it sitting down, because my leg is still useless), eating right five days a week, and fasting the other two. Everything is just going really, really well. Of course I’m not disconnected from the internet entirely, but having 23 hours away from my socials is liberating. I’m much happier.

I ended last year on this blog on a negative note, so we’re starting this year with the positive. Hopefully it trends. I’m shooting for a new blog post every seven days, but we’ll see how that goes.

But, for real, let me know how you’re doing in the comments below. And don’t be afraid to talk to each other!

E.

 

Things, they are a’changin’

Things are changing. If this personality is going to survive its internet existence, I’m going to have to create some rules. Without further ado:

1. I will no longer be responding to everyone who messages me or comments on my various postings. I can’t keep up with comments anymore, and even when I can half of them are hateful or pointless, or don’t require any response, so I’ll read them and move on. This does not go for friends. If we have a previously existing relationship, nothing will change. At least I fucking hope not. I’m sure some of you will overreact to this, as it never fails to happen, so I look forward to your individual meltdowns in the coming days.

2. I’m limiting myself to one hour of social media a day. No more for right now. This is another reason I won’t be responding to everyone. I’ll have a limited time each day with which to interact and I want to focus on those who mean the most to me.

3. No more community drama. The wrong people always take offense if I vague post, even though I only do it to keep friends’ names out of everyones’ mouths, and naming people results in too much bullshit. Most recently, I mentioned someone and ten motherfuckers in under an hour emailed me wanting to know if I was talking about them. Funnily enough, the person I was talking about blocked me without any warning whatsoever, so joke’s on us, huh? On a serious note, y’all need to calm the fuck down. If you don’t trust me, why are we even friends?

4. No more uncorrected proofs or review copies before publication. Preorders and Patreon pledges will get books early and that’s it. I’ve sent out a hundred physical copies this year for review and have gotten thrirteen reviews in return. I can no longer justify the cost, especially not with Amazon removing reviews and reviewers based solely on shit like us following each other. My sincerest apologies. Which brings me to…

5. I’m retiring from independent publishing. After NO HOME FOR BOYS releases in June, there will be no further Edward Lorn books under the Lornographic Materials banner. If I can’t find a publisher, I’ll publish under my other names and call it quits with Lorn permanently. I’m tired of the grind. I just want to write. This decision comes after loads of drama with KDP, Createspace, acquiring editors I can trust, and simple laziness, which basically boils down to me not wanting to format my own work anymore, and I refuse to pay someone for something I’m simply too lazy to do.

6. Even if I can’t find a publisher, I will continue to post work to Patreon. This includes CRUELTY AND JOY, the Larry Laughlin series, and every other project I’ve mentioned in the past year.

Thank you for all your support over the years, and I will try to stay in touch with as many of you as possible. If any of the above is unacceptable behavior to you, it’s been swell, and I wish you the best in everything you do.

Take care of each other,

E.

Deactivating Social Media

Hello peeps,

Because some people took “I’m going on break” as a challenge to email me wanting details as to who I was talking about in the last blog post, I’ve deleted the post and deactivated my social media accounts. Honestly, I’m kind of annoyed at the moment that so few people respected my wishes to be left alone that I’m considering not returning to these platforms whatsoever. But we’ll see. It’s a popular belief that public personas do not deserve privacy, but I’m not that guy. This is not some cry for help, publicity stunt, or any other dumbass theory anyone has come up with. I want to take some time off. Period. Everyone has had direct access to me for over eight years and I think I deserve some time away. If you can’t respect that, that’s your problem, not mine.

The only places I’ll be posting is Patreon and YouTube but I will not be responding to comments. Please try and go on about your business and allow me some time to myself.

Thank you for understanding.

E.