Marnie McBean's Blog, page 7

What are you Listening to? Communication II

Posted in Mentor Messages

In closing, I’d just like to say thanks – you’ve been an awesome audience.

One of the benefits – theoretically – of aging is that as we gain experience and wisdom; presumably we become more competent. However, I believe that sometimes experience can also weigh against us. As we progress into a comfort zone of routine with the feeling that we know what we are doing, we run the risk of becoming less curious about all that we aren’t doing. At some point, because of our experiences, we inadvertently become closed off to the challenge of new or changing ideas. We begin to listen less: Been there, done that. But have we?

I wrote last month that I wanted to flesh out communication and this entry is from the listening side; specifically, what we are listening to. If we have ambition to improve on our status quo (and one could argue even if we just want to maintain our status quo) it’s not enough just to listen – we must ensure that what we are listening to is from more than just our own perspective.

The trick to learning/improving is to make sure that we are putting ourselves in conversations where, at times, we either don’t understand or don’t agree with what we are listening to. Why? Because if we don’t, then we find ourselves constantly preaching to our own choir, letting them preach back, and learning absolutely nothing new.

“My biggest challenge is myself. At 23 years old, it’s not really easy to know yourself that well.”

Ah – the wisdom of youth. Wait what? Milos Raonic, the rising tennis star, made this comment at a Canadian Club event recently. In the last 3.5 years he’s made the jump from an impressive world rank of 37th (which might not sound like much until you realize that it was the highest ranking ever for a Canadian in men’s singles tennis) to 8th, and absolutely no one thinks he’s topped out yet. This player has a lot of game left in him and if this statement accurately reflects his personal awareness – it will come as no surprise when he becomes the 1st ranked player and holds that rank for some time.

Here is what I get from Milos’ quote. As much as he already knows and feels about himself and tennis, he is aware that to improve he must listen to what others know and see too. Having been coached to be world leading for almost 20 years myself, I can guarantee that Milos won’t always like what he’s being told to do or change but to get as good as he has, and to get even better, he knows that he has to crave this type of critical and creative feedback and be ready to try to apply it.

Socrates said, “The only true wisdom is to know that you know nothing”. Perhaps the explanation of the Dunning-Kruger Effect (DKE) puts this into better focus for the purpose of drawing in outside wisdom. The DKE says that the poorest performers are the least aware of their own incompetence. So, the less competent you are, the less aware you will be of your own incompetence. (Ignorance really is bliss!) The DKE also shows that really talented people tend to underestimate their own talent, mistakenly assuming that because a task is easy for them it must be an easy task for everyone else. Here’s the catch; as soon as you start thinking that you are at the talented and competent end of the scale, you risk being identified by others as unaware of your actual incompetence!

This is exactly why experience can be a burden. As soon as we think we know it all we begin to become those who know less. I’m not suggesting that we begin to forget information or lose skills. This is more about improving the quality of your knowledge and keeping up with current and emerging practices, not about the quantity. Don’t take what you know for granted, ask inquisitive questions and listen to many answers.

 

Last month I had the privilege of being part of John Tory, the new mayor of Toronto’s, transition council. From across the city, he gathered a dozen or so men and women who in one way or another each champion a voice, user group, or community in the GTA. The goal of our meetings wasn’t to come up with final answers – that will be done in council – but for John, in advance of officially taking office, to hear a variety of perspectives, possibly (hopefully?) different from what he had previously considered. As John listened and took notes, we debated and suggested unique concerns and solutions to issues that are Toronto’s most pressing concerns.

This 60-year-old Mayor, like the 23-year-old tennis player, knows that he has to be open to new ideas as well as critical and creative feedback. He has to be ready to try to apply this to what he already knows if he wants to make things better. Both of them maximize the trajectory of their success by avoiding the trap of assuming that their experience and what they know (and they have experienced and know a lot) is enough. If Milos can continue to employ this open listening strategy as he ages and matures then that will be how and why he becomes an unbeatable champion for years to come.

Having seen how John Tory doesn’t take his own knowledge and experience for granted, that he still actively seeks out a broad range of voices gives me a lot of hope for the City of Toronto. Finally, we have a champion at the helm who is going to build a strong vibrant “One Toronto”, but first, he knows he needs to listen to all of Toronto.

 

Marriage, Medals and Mentorship – Toronto Star Article

Posted in Marnie in the News

By: Lauren Pelley Staff Reporter, Published on Fri Nov 07 2014

photo : Catherine Farquharson

Marnie McBean can still vividly recount her first gold medal Olympic win.

It was 1992, at the Barcelona Olympics, and McBean had just been through seven minutes of gruelling rowing — her heart racing at 204 beats per minute, with enough lactic acid buildup to make a normal person crumple up and cry for the rest of the day. She remembers standing on the podium alongside her rowing partner Kathleen Heddle, listening to the Canadian anthem with a gold medal for the pair event around her neck.

“It was at that moment, I was like holy crap, this is the Olympics,” says McBean. “And I just won it — we just won it.”

It’s a story the Olympic champion has told countless times — and it’s a story many Canadians remember well. But at a coffee shop near her Yonge St. and Eglinton Ave. home on Thursday, McBean told a different one: the story of how, a decade after that gold medal, she realized she was gay and started a new chapter in her life.

“It wasn’t ever part of my sports story, not because I was denying it, but I never investigated it,” McBean says.

She’ll be sharing her story in a keynote talk on Saturday at Game Changers, a one-day symposium co-hosted by the Toronto 2015 Pan Am and Parapan Am Games Organizing Committee, CIBC and the City of Toronto.

The event will be fostering discussion on the importance of diversity and inclusion in sport, featuring elite athletes like former Toronto Raptor Jamaal Magloire, Olympic and Pan Am hurdler Perdita Felicien and Paralympian wheelchair racer Josh Cassidy.

McBean says investigating her sexuality wasn’t part of her experience as a young athlete, and it wasn’t until the early 2000s that she realized she was gay.

“I don’t have a story about being in the locker room and gay and trying to hide my sexuality,” she says. “I had the advantage of being a 34-year-old woman who had this strength in my own character, so when I realized who I was . . . I just starting telling people.”

McBean met her wife, lawyer Deanah Shelly, at a party back in 2010. They’ve been married since April of 2014, after a surprise wedding McBean planned because the pair couldn’t nail down a date. “I knew she wanted tulips, I knew she wanted white linens,” McBean says. Shelly was the only one out of the loop, with McBean telling her they’d be attending a party for Canadian figure skaters Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir — a ploy to get Shelly into a party dress.

“There are countless funny details, but the best part was watching Deanah take in the room as we entered,” McBean wrote on her website two days after the wedding.

Years earlier, during her time as an elite athlete, McBean says she was hyper-focused on her sport of choice. She recalls zeroing in on every detail while rowing: her balance, the pressure she was applying, what the water felt like and every little sound around her, all while blocking out the constant pain and screaming voice in her head encouraging her to quit.

The focus paid off. A day after her first time on the Olympic podium, McBean won a second gold in rowing for the eight event. Four years later, she won gold in the double sculls and bronze in the quadruple — making her the first Canadian to win three Olympic gold medals. She also won medals at the Pan Am Games and World Rowing Championships. Her string of wins came to a halt when she ruptured two discs in her back, forcing her to withdraw from the singles event at the Sydney Olympics in 2000.

McBean, now a speaker and author, brings her personal experience into her mentorship work on the Canadian Olympic Committee. She encourages athletes to speak openly about their level of competence and ambition within their sport. She also urges people to be comfortable talking about their outside passions too — including their sexuality.

She says female athletes have often been described based on their femininity or sexuality, but the focus is shifting toward their athletic ability.

“I remember feeling very empowered when the 1992 team was dominating and they described us as dynamic and aggressive and competitive. And to me, those were lights on moments for women in sport,” McBean says.

Things are changing, she adds, with more athletes able to be who they are, share their passions and express themselves in different ways.

“There actually is no normal out there,” she says.

Getting the Spinach Out – The Value of Hard Conversations

Posted in Mentor Messages

Recently, I found myself recalling one particular evening a few years ago.  I can’t remember if my friends and I were celebrating something or if it was just another night out, but we had gone downtown for a fun evening. We probably went for dinner between 8 and 10:30 and then went out for drinks and dancing. At about 3:30am we found ourselves at Fran’s Diner having – oh I don’t know – probably something like gravy laden open-faced turkey sandwiches or grilled cheese sandwiches. (That sounds about right for 3:30 in the morning!).

Here’s the part I remember clearly. The waitress was one of those classic diner waitresses who likely had been working there since well before I was born. As she was about to take my order she took a moment, looked me in the eyes, and frankly said, “Sweetheart, I don’t know what your friends have been saying to you all night, but you’ve got some spinach in your teeth.”

My friends keeled over laughing. Turns out they had been looking at the spinach in my teeth all night. At first it was just spinach, not a big deal. Then as time passed they each kept expecting the others to pipe in and reveal what was becoming an awkward issue. Then, as time passed, they didn’t know how to bring it up – as if it was getting more embarrassing for them to acknowledge that they hadn’t said anything.

As for me – OMG! We had met so many people! We were having a great night so I’m sure all evening I was smiling a big toothy spinachy-smile. I was mortified, not to mention super annoyed with my friends. Where was the trust? Where was the respect?

That night reinforced the value of starting hard conversations. If we find ourselves only telling each other what we WANT to hear then we run the risk of never telling each other what we NEED to hear. Just because a conversation will be awkward or difficult doesn’t mean we should avoid it.

This example is trivial but the lesson applies to many of our bigger more important conversations. At work and at home, great relationships and partnerships take work; we cannot take them for granted. Information is power but you’ll never know unless you ask or are (respectfully) told.

Change is inevitable in every environment and that change has to be coordinated among those involved. This means that while someone might have been doing something right yesterday, they may need to be told that they have to adapt and keep up today.

Some conversations do require some bravery, not to have them – but to start them. Most people are not comfortable being told that they require some redirection or that what they are doing isn’t quite right. As well, people who need to communicate this information are often not keen on delivering what can be sensitive or upsetting news. When receiving difficult (awkward, critical or disappointing) information it’s important to remember that it was almost never intended to hurt you. The intention was to keep us all informed and moving towards our goals.

I’m fascinated by communication – how easy it should be, but how hard it often is. Throughout my book The Power of More and particularly in my discussion of Teamwork and Leadership I write quite a bit on communication. Recently in my presentations, communication features as one of the four pillars to the concept that if you want to finish happy you need to start happy. I really do believe that starting hard conversations – by asking, listening and/or contributing – is the key to clearing through all the chaos and clutter of our busy and ambitions lives and closing the gap between where we are today and where we want to be in the future.

“A team will begin to unravel if too many things that should be said go unsaid. A leader has to be prepared to start hard conversations and address any elephants in the room, and team members have to be open to receiving some critical feedback. ” The Power of More, How Small Steps Can Help You Achieve Big Goals

In the coming weeks, I’m going to be flushing out more of my thoughts on communication; how we listen to and deliver critical feedback. Until then, if you see someone “flying low” – be sure to tell them.

3 Weeks to a Routine

Posted in Mentor Messages

Two weeks ago I told you that I had been struggling to get back into a routine of writing and that it had been hard to get going. It was a popular message; apparently many of us get stuck and struggle to get unstuck.
To get unstuck I committed to a plan to write messages regularly, in which I would share mentor type thoughts and ideas with my self in the past or myself in the future. This plan gave me the “What am I writing about?” and the “To whom?” that I felt I was missing. So…here is the 2nd message in my new series and it turns out it’s from my past self to my current self with some tips, reminders and encouragement for establishing a new routine and making it a habit.

Waking up early – and I mean really early – is a normal part of a rower’s day. But don’t make the mistake of thinking that rowers are good at getting up early or are naturally inclined to like it. The truth is that they know how to get used to, or more accurately how to get familiar with, what an early routine –(an uncomfortably early routine!) – feels like. As it becomes a habit, it’s easy for a rower to see all the advantages and opportunities of the early mornings and barely notice that seeing blurry 5’s or even 4’s as a first digit of time is not entirely normal.

Here’s what getting up really early taught me about establishing new routines:

Waking up early one day, or even every day for one week is not a routine it’s a novelty. Doing something for 1 week is a burst of action that is very much about what the body can physically do, put up with or suffer through. The effort to get something done for one week is about setting up the logistics of the task required and just doing it. Mentally it’s not overly challenging since the catalyst that inspired your action and commitment is still very fresh in your mind. There might be a sense of accomplishment after week one but you’ll need to stay focused because you’re not in a routine yet.

Waking up early on the 2nd Monday, starting the 2nd week takes more effort. It was physically challenging to get through the 1st week and now it’s mentally hard too. In the absence of an established habit you will need to remind yourself why this routine is important to you. Did I really choose this routine? The inspiring reason that made “getting up and at ‘em” seem like a good idea is, increasingly, in the distant past.

~Is establishing this routine (still) important to me?

~What are my options?

~Can I get away with doing something else?

As you push through the 2nd week this debate in your head is added to the existing one in your body. The physical fatigue (and lingering ache?) of the new action from week one layers onto the not yet habitual mental requirements of the task. It takes a lot of effort to manage the physical logistics that you need to set yourself up for success (ie. Consistently remembering to set the alarm, getting to bed earlier and ultimately responding to each morning alarm).

This double whammy is why the 2nd week is the hardest when trying to establish a new routine. Everyday will take extra effort to stay committed to your goal. Expect your resolve to come and go. If you want to establish a new routine, this is where you really need to sink your teeth in.

Good news is that in my experience, this week –the 2nd week –starts off bumpy and hard but as you stay the course it starts to really smooth out. The trick to getting through the grind of the 2nd week is to expect the grind of the 2nd week. Be ready for the challenge and lean in to it as it leans into you! As cliché as it sounds, take it day by day and don’t over think it. Getting up early is becoming a routine; you’re on the right track.

It’s in the 3rd week when the magic happens. That 3rd week is the keystone to your new routine. Physically your body has established effective habits; mentally your mind is anticipating the task at hand. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself getting out of bed with the first alarm and not the 5th snooze and kind of enjoying it! Now you’re focusing more on the rewards of your routine instead of establishing the routine itself.

You’ll still have to stay dedicated and committed, but each morning won’t feel like a grind anymore. You’re in a groove! – You’re in the routine that you wanted and that’s pretty awesome.

And so here I am today. Writing this message is the product of my “week 2” and, yes, it was hard to get started. At first I was thinking really broadly and couldn’t figure out where/how to start. Removing (or not creating) distractions, physically sitting down to write and deciding on content were all challenges. When I stopped trying so hard, let go of expectations and focused on the logistics of what I needed to do to write – the steps to keeping to my intended plan seemed so much easier.
Bring on week (message) 3. I’m in training to keep this routine!

Out of routine – Getting unstuck

Posted in Mentor Messages

Summer holidays were amazing, but I let them take me out of my routine. I then found myself struggling to get back.

For the longest time I was in a routine of writing. At a minimum I would post something on the first of every month. I had fun keeping the self-imposed deadline since it meant I had to find a topic that had me feeling curious and inspired every 30 days (which comes around way faster than you’d figure!). I had an intended audience and I knew what voice I wanted to write in so my curiosity had some guidance. Those posts were almost always ‘mentor messages’ that I wrote considering athletes who were preparing for the upcoming Olympics. The last Olympics finished in February, the next aren’t for another 2 years, and that’s not my official roll anymore anyway.

My last post was in June and then I chose to take July and August off as a summer break. Now it’s mid-way through September and I’m so far out of my routine that I feel stuck.

I have been struggling a bit because if I’m not writing to an Olympic team who am I writing too? I get stuff in my head all the time but how do I want to frame it and make it purposeful? I don’t want to just ramble; I want to make a point. I miss writing but where, and why, does my new routine start?

I needed help to get me started again, but asking for the help was a bit… tough. Tough for no other reason than my ego was aware that most of the stuff that I’ve written about in the last 5 years was exactly the kind of advice that I needed to get me going. I’m supposed to be the expert here. I write often about being brave and bold enough to do something: to start, to just get at your goal-achieving path by starting with a simple small step. There I was, bogged down by the “doctor heal thy self” conundrum. It was so easy to be terrible at taking my own (good!) advice.

To get the help I needed, I knew what I had to do.

I had to talk to people and more importantly I needed to be honest. When people ask, “How are you doing?” or “You busy?” it’s a choice how I answer. I’m busy enough with some things but with respect to my writing, while I wanted to get at it – the truth was I wasn’t. My choices are to reply that everything is fine, or – with those who are close to me – I could choose to expose the fact that I have some gaps that I’d like to / need to work on.

When I feel like this, more often than not the ball’s caption should read “My own expectations”

For sure I spoke with Deanah, she expressed her unwaivering confidence in me that I’ll figure something out and we spoke of my options. We looked at it from the perspective of what I want to do and what I don’t want to do. I also spoke with our friend Dr.Kimberley Amirault-Ryan. She has been a peer of mine in Olympic Prep and we always have the best conversations about our ambitions and the ‘stuff’ that we do. Through a wide-ranging conversation with her I came upon a possible “who” that I can write to. It was kind of a simple idea – why not write to myself? What would I say to me 10 years ago, or 10 years from now? I’ll let the moment or the topic decide which but…. Sounds interesting to me!

It’s a small start, but I feel like I might actually be unstuck. I won’t know until I find myself back in a routine of writing but it’s a start I needed.

So – Dear self (future or past) – never forget when you struggle, as much as you want to retract from everyone until you figure out how to ‘fix’ yourself, that’s exactly the wrong direction. Be brave, suck it up and expose your weaknesses and let the good people that you’ve surrounded yourself with help you. The hardest part of those conversations is starting them, and you never know which random chat will be the one that gets you going.

Because You Can – Doesn’t Always Mean That You Should

Posted in Mentor Messages

Time to Move On

The Best Time To Be Last – As the Mentor – I often corralled the team… mostly into the Opening & Closing ceremony

For the past 9 years I have been, under one title or another, a specialist in Olympic Athlete Preparation for the Canadian Olympic Committee. It’s been a great working relationship but I have a sense that it’s time to move on. It’s been fun – but I’m choosing to be done.

I’ve really enjoyed being a mentor – I have had the privilege of connecting with and helping to prepare Canadian Olympic athletes for the Turin2006, Beijing2008, Vancouver2010, London2012 and the Sochi2014 Olympic Games. The scale of the task has been incredible. Connecting with so many different athletes, learning about all their different sports, and their sport cultures has been so interesting. As is the case with all the best things that we devote our time to – I feel as if I have taken in so much more than I was able to give and I am so grateful.

Each conversation, every visit to a team meeting, training camp or competition convinced me of the common experience that driven people share in their constant pursuit of excellence. We all choose to ride a rollercoaster of emotions as we follow our ambitions, revel in the joy of being part of a group/team with a common, extraordinary goal and seek the (c)rush that envelopes us each time we push into an environment that we know will offer us a fresh heap of all-encompassing performance stress – ah! that stress truly is the spice of life!

It’s important to recognize when the ambition that you’re willing to give no longer matches the task. To succeed at the Olympics, one has to have a hunger for their task. With respect to retirement and moving on I’ve said for many years– “just because you can, doesn’t mean you should” – it’s way too hard to fake the required dedication and passion to succeed. Fourteen years ago, I knew it was time to retire from rowing when I could no longer keep myself so singularly focused. As I experienced ‘life’ away from the boathouse the spectrum of my career broadened as I got involved in different projects and adventures; my blinders were off, and I didn’t want to put them on again. It was the right choice to retire even if the talent was still there because the hunger was not.

I feel as if my perspective is opening up again. I’ve no doubts that I could continue to have meaningful conversations and exchanges with our current and future Olympians but to bring continued value to my role, I would need to have more than conversations…to bring value I would have to be driven to have great conversations. That drive/hunger/focus is the difference between trying to be good at something and trying to be great at it. I know that I would need to choose to be in an immersed position where I am routinely connected and able to speak genuinely with those I’m working with. I will always enjoy exchanging thoughts and ideas with any athlete (any person) who seeks me out – but for the scale of supporting a whole Olympic team – I’m no longer in that immersed position and I’m not driven to choose it.

I find myself currently figuring out my third retirement (as an athlete, I retired twice – the first time didn’t stick!). I have a plan for what I’m doing now and where I’m going to go. I continue to get wonderful corporate clients who allow me to speak to my ideas of performance, ambition and our goal-achieving paths. My book, The Power of More: How Small Steps Help us to Achieve Big Goals is something I am very proud of and sells well, and… there will always be more! I have a big pot of ambition and I continue to look for projects and adventures on which I can spread it.

To so many incredible athletes – I so enjoy every one of our exchanges. Thank you for reaching out with your thoughts and questions, for listening and for your wonderfully driven energy and perspective. As I  said in an email just yesterday – Please keep asking questions and I’ll keep trying to give you answers. I enjoy this.

Speaking about Start Happy Finish Happy…

Posted in What I'm thinking (Thoughts and opinions)

In March, I was part of the Speaker’s Spotlight Showcase, the event tag line is, “Live, Learn, Leave Inspired”. I love this kind of thing! A number of really talented speakers speak on a wide range of topics; each is given 20 minutes – (which for a speaker can kind of be a bit stressful! 20 minutes? Do I hit the fun stuff, or the substance? better yet – how can I cover both!) – and there is so much to learn from everyone. It’s awesome!

It was just after the Sochi Olympics so it’s no surprise that that was where my mind was. I had recently written a blog – Start Happy Finish Happy, and  I went from there.

I’m pretty sure that this talk was the start of a new presentation topic for me – it really is fun and ties in a lot of ideas that I’ve been working on for a long time. Here’s a quick clip..

(if the file doesn’t open… click here) 

Just Married!

Posted in Marnie's Adventures

 thx to Catherine for this early pictur to share here!

This is definitely the type of post that should have lots of pictures but I’m going to wait for the good ones!

Sunday April 6th –  was an incredible day. Deanah Shelly and I got married.

It started with a crazy idea way back in December: “Why not have a surprise wedding?!”

I’ve a life philosophy that one should surround herself with talented people and then seek and take their advice as much as possible, so when my good friend Catherine Farqaharson, a fabulous photographer who has been to countless gorgeous weddings, said that she LOVED the idea – the crazy idea of a surprise wedding became a real plan.

This wasn’t to be the “normal” surprise wedding where the guests arrive to what they think will be just a dinner party or just a bbq only to realize that they are at a wedding, but rather the kind where one of the brides(!!) arrives to what she thinks will be just a brunch. I’ll tell you, planning a wedding really isn’t so tough – it’s keeping it as a complete surprise from one of the brides – that’s what adds quite a twist!

Deanah and I have been engaged for over a year and a half – and while we’ve talked about locations, seasons, guest lists, style, form and function… we could never get even close to picking a date. From the day you tell people that you are engaged the next question is always, “When’s the date?”. It was starting to become a sensitive subject for us because everyone asks when? and we continued to have no answer.  West coast? East coast? a destination? Summer? Winter?  With respect to our guests there could be health and accessibility issues – so how do we pick when and where? In trying to please everyone we could not decide on anything.

So I jumped in. I didn’t tell Deanah – but I jumped waaay in. I decided that I would take everything we had talked about and pick a date.  First on the list of things to do  I skyped Deanah’s parents (on Jan 7th)  and once they (very quickly) got over the shock – they loved the plan! phew.

They nudged me a bit and actually changed the date that was first had in mind. This ended up being a blessing as that first date was going to be Feb. 2nd and would only give me 3 weeks to pull the whole thing off. Moving the date was probably the sanest part of the whole plan – since I had to go to Sochi for almost two weeks in February and we had friends and family who were going to be flying in from Vancouver, Grande Prairie and as far as Shanghai! By Jan 28th (my birthday!) we confirmed that the big day would be April 6th and I got right to work.

I’ll jump right to the end now… because I’m sure I’ll write more when I get some the photos from Catherine - Deanah thought she was going to a celebration party for Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir, kind of a wrap-party to their tv show. I thought this plan up because a) I love working with them, and they are so wonderful to me that Deanah loves them too, b)not only do they always look gorgeous but figure skaters have some great dresses, and I needed Deanah to want to get a new great dress, and c) they have had a TV crew following them for a TV show so it was easy to tell Deanah there’d be media and cameras there so we’d have to put a little effort into our hair and makeup. [Tessa and Scott really were included. It was a fun conversation to bring to them, just days before they competed at the Sochi Olympics - it's a pure joy happy story that had nothing to do with the Olympics - and stories like that can be a great distraction! Tessa would even help me out later, sending us an email with an invite and all the details for "their" party.  Thanks Tessa! (funny - I had a few guests ask before the event if it would be okay if they asked T&S for photos and or autographs. Sure... but I was pretty sure they would actually be in Japan!) ]

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A “normal” sunday morning walk

For Deanah the morning was a normal Sunday; a slow wake up, a bit of breakfast and then we walked the dog. As we walked the dog I knew our bridesmaids were already setting up the venue, Archeo in the Distillery District. As we showered and changed I knew all of our guests had already arrived, and as we got in to the car that I’d arranged for a car to pick us up, (she thought that it was sent by the producers of the Tessa and Scott TV show!) I knew that we’d be married within 1.5 hours, and wouldn’t be back home for at least 30 hours. Deanah thought we’d be home in a few hours so she was suggesting some tasks we could do later that day, and we even discussed getting married in Whistler between Christmas and New Years. 

There are countless funny details, but the best part was watching Deanah take in the room as we entered. Expecting to see Tessa and Scott, she couldn’t figure out how her friend Tanya “Smitty” Smith, a corrections officer, knew the two figure skaters. Then she kept looking and realized that she knew everyone in the room. All of the eyes looking at her/us were full of  love and support. “What have you done?!” she breathed to me as she slightly shook.

Deanah – Will you marry me….now?!

The rest of the morning was a wonderful blur for both of us. Champagne was served as we said hello to everyone. Soon we were all gathered; the guests were assembled by Deanah’s uncle Frank, a United minister, in a simple semi circle around us. Our friend Chantal Chamberland, sang one of our favourite songs “At Last” by Etta James. Truthfully we were in such a blur that we didn’t hear it at all so we were so grateful when Chantal sang it again later! Our niece, Danielle had a reading for us, as did our 3 brothers. Our nephew Derek took our engagement rings for a moment and passed along our new wedding bands to our twin 5yr old nieces who brought them up to Frank- everyone had a role. It would have been unfair and impossible for me to have written vows and then to ask Deanah to wing it so I’d asked another one of our friends to sing a representation of our vows. Jim Cuddy sang his song “Pull me Through” and there were few dry eyes left in the room. It was all so lovely, and loving. We said “I will”, we signed the license (How I got that done is a whole story too!) and it was done!

Just about 70 people sat at two long tables to a simple, family style brunch. Eggs and bacon, champagne and…more champagne. Thank you to our covert bridesmaids – Steph, Stacie and Leanne, they had my back from day one, and even when Deanah didn’t know it – they had hers too. There were a few elements of the event that they “owned” – the wedding cupcakes were fantastic and the white tulip floral arrangements were not only gorgeous but exactly what Deanah wanted. An amazing jazz trio, Grooveyard, led by Michael Occhipinti and Lester Mclean played beautifully throughout the morning. There were speeches, toasts and roasts – mostly about the little lies that had been told and the fun stress of keeping all the secrets. 

Conversation over afternoon cocktails in our room at the Ritz Carlton, at family dinner in the wine cellar at Barberian’s and then throughout our day in the Ritz Carlton’s Spa was an endless reveal of “What I didn’t tell you…”.  It’s good that I kept a journal of all those little things, but Deanah’s still trying to take it all in. I’ve heard the question “How did you pull this off?” quite a bit in the last two days – and I think that’s going to last for a long while!  Some amazing gifts in our room Sunday afternoon – Thank you to Patrick McMurray / Starfish Restaurant for delivering a pile of shucked oysters, and to our friend Erin Simmons / Veuve Clicquot for the champagne.

Who knew that techniques taken directly from some of our Olympic Preparation ideas would be such huge elements to ensure smooth surprise wedding planning!

 I made both of our mothers “family captains”. I would tell them as much as I knew, and they would be responsible for managing family and family friends. This took a lot of chaos and individual planning off my plate – and out of my inbox! If the secret would be revealed I wasn’t going to let it be an email or txt notification!
When Olympic athletes march into the Opening Ceremonies – I always suggest that they leave their camera or phone in their pocket. I recommend that they soak in the moment with all of their senses – not through a 5cmx8cm screen. The perk to this is that the photo of the team entering the Olympic Stadium is of the team’s faces, not their smart phones and cameras. I employed this tactic for our entrance to Archeo. I asked (they will probably say ‘told’!) everyone to leave their camera down so that we could see their faces, to trust that Catherine and her assistant Kate, would capture the moment. It worked beautifully. -I did find it funny when about an hour later someone asked if they could take pics now! ha -
Have a plan – but don’t expect anything to go according to plan. This is more than great Olympic Prep advice, it’s amazing wedding planning advice. I assumed that while everything was for sure to be a surprise to Deanah – that I should expect something to surprise me.

I’m sure that when I get our photos I’ll share some more later – stay tuned for an update!

Truth Dare and Consequences – Olympic Style

Posted in What I'm thinking (Thoughts and opinions)

Truth – “Fake it until you make it” doesn’t work at the Olympics. Lack of preparation and training will be exposed. Experience can go a long way to fill in the gaps – but there is a reason that the best way to feel at the Olympics is ready. Confidence, swagger and opportunities reside in those who are ready. That is the truth.

Dare – I dare you to believe that you can be the best in the World. Done that already? I dare you to do it again. That challenge is a pressure that weighs on every Olympian’s chest. The best part is – they choose it to be that way. We learned a long time ago that there is no courage without fear.

The moment where we test ourselves against our goals can be described as a Can I? Will I? moment – it is a moment of controlled fear. In the flash of that moment we present ourselves with question – we are fully aware of all that makes us “normal” and we try to remember all that makes us ready to do something special – and we ask – Can I do this? And more importantly Will I do this? This is where an Olympian is dared to step up – or step out.

Consequences – This is why the Olympics are different: one moment every 4 years, sometimes one opportunity in a lifetime. The pursuit of Olympic success is more passion than pay; a young lifetime of committed time, health and injury management and constant dedication to the smallest detail. All of which is gambled against a cadre of others who are just as committed. At the start line – every athlete goes ‘all-in’.

This gamble and the reality of this all or nothing consequence is why we catch our breath when an athlete we’ve never heard of before, from a country we’re not from and in a sport we don’t follow falls that we catch our breath. This is why our heart races as our Canadian Team athletes chase fractions of points, seconds and scoring opportunities. We know that all the emotion at the finish line has more to do with all the speed bumps; the trials and tribulations of getting there as much as the result.

I went to 3 Olympics as an athlete. It seems increasingly impossible that I had five opportunities to test myself and surreal that I (we) won three times (twice in ’92, again in ’96), took bronze (’96) in the fourth and had to withdraw with and injury (2000) as my end.

God I love watching the Olympics now. I am so inspired watching these athletes – my peers now – rise up to the Truth, Dare and Consequences of their Olympic Can I? Will I? moments.

What could possible be interesting to watch when they are done? Bring on the PanAm’s, Bring on Rio.

Start happy, finish happy.

Posted in Marnie's Adventures

Watching Alex repeat as Olympic Champ & solidify spot in Cdn sport history

It was impossible for me to keep up with all that I did for the 7 days that I was in Sochi… I’m home now and trying to digest all that happened and all that continues to go on.

My highlights from being in Sochi didn’t occur being at the competitions. It was incredible watching Alex Bilodeau win his 2nd Gold medal and Mikael Kingsbury show himself as the heir apparent in men’s moguls by winning the silver but being a spectator almost never makes my heart sing. Being at the Women’s snowboardcross, watching Maelle Ricker (dnf) and Dominque Maltais (silver) race 8 years after I saw them race at the Turin 2006 Olympics was special as I felt like I was bringing my mentor experience full circle, but being in the stands watching is never the same as having a conversation with someone.

I had lovely and meaningful conversations with athletes who were about to, or had just finished competing in, figure skating, speed skating, luge, moguls, bobsled, curling and hockey. Here is the gist of three that stick out;

Maxime, the eldest of the Dufour-Lapointe sisters

Maxime Dufour-Lapointe – She brought a few tears to my eyes when she told me how my email messages had been important to her. I was blown away as she told me about her conviction to qualify for these Olympics. “I wasn’t ready to do this before Vancouver, (where her younger sister Chloe was 5th) but my journey has brought me here. I made a decision that I was going to do it. I even told my sisters “This year I am going to put me (her preparation and performance) first.”  Her sisters, Justine (gold) and Chloe (silver) were surprised that she felt she needed to articulate this – of course she should! – but it was a definite change to Maxime’s mindset which she stuck to all year. It certainly worked for her. Not only did she qualify for the Olympics, but advanced past the qualifications and placed 12th. She is tapped into her ambition for sport now and remains driven and committed for more!

Tessa Virtue and I met for a coffee two days before she and Scott would begin competing. We talked about a lot of things; some gossip that had nothing to do with sport and some that did. It’s common knowledge now that their training environment and situation with respect to their coach was incredibly stressful and I knew that these two were so looking forward to being done with all of that. They are ready to move on from competitive skating. We talked about “graduating” from the preparation part of their career ‘now’. Not waiting until they are finished their competitive performance to cut the cord and move away from all their stressors. Tessa told me that their goal was to come off the ice happy.  I asked that she add to that goal – to go ON to the ice happy. I couldn’t see how they could come OFF the ice happy if they hadn’t gone ON to the ice happy. The Olympics don’t change who you are; they might bring ‘you’ out and magnify it, but what you were before the Olympics, you will be after. It was a concept that connected with her.

hanging w Heather in OV cafeteria

I had an afternoon with Heather Moyse where we simply hung out and explored the Olympic village. She was so calm that I almost forgot that she too was on a quest to repeat as Olympic Champion. Earlier in the year, I had exchanges with Kaillie, Tessa and Scott and to some extent Alex where we discussed that the path to winning a 2nd gold isn’t always as much fun. Expectations of an Olympic Champion, by themselves and those of every around them are different. Wins en route to your first Olympic Gold are joyful celebrations. Wins en route to the second gold are often covered with quite a bit of relief. Heather’s mind set was the perfect one to manage stress and expectations. She was so committed to the little details of what she wanted to do – that she didn’t need to worry about the big ones. Her laser focus was not just a great push start record, but a great initiation of movement, the fastest ‘hit’ on the sled. Control the controllables. Focus on the little things and the big things take care of themselves.

 

On Sunday, Kaillie Humphries made us a coffee in the athletes lounge. While we both agreed it wasn’t the best coffee…but it was a wicked chat. Kaillie was super comfortable and confident with her preparation and her ability to steer the best course. Before I left, I sat with the two of them and simply told them how incredible their energy was, focused for sure – but calm, confident and trusting in each other. They were obviously ready. As part of our conversation, I shared with them my advice to Tessa – that if she wanted to come off the ice happy she should make sure that she goes on the ice happy.

Shortly after Kaillie and Heather won their repeat gold I got a txt from Kaillie. “Start happy, leave happy!… that made a huge difference” Apparently going on to the ice happy had resonated well with them.

Being at the Olympics and being a spectator is great, but being part of someone’s preparation for them, even if it’s just one little bit of it… is amazing.